My Journey as the Oven for Their Bun

A baby is born (two months ago)!

2013-05-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hi there loves. I am sorry that this particular update is just now being made. It has taken me quite a while to process stuff and therefore, I have been fairly quiet on details...and I am sorry if you feel like I left you out of my loop...but it is mine after all and I am just now feeling like sharing it.

On March 18, 2013 at 7:31AM at 8lbs. 14 oz, 21.5 inches I gave birth to my IP's daughter (Baby J).

At some point, she had inhaled meconium, which is the very first bowel movement a baby has. She wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated, and the lower portion of her lungs collapsed.

She was transferred to another hospital that had a NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).

Her lungs had healed and everything looked great, except she wasn't eating on her own. After two weeks on no improvement, they moved her to a different floor NICU where a new doctor observed her. This doctor suggested that the baby might have brain damage because she should have shown improvement by then, and she also had lower muscle tone than they would have liked to see.

They did an MRI and found that sweet Baby J does have brain damage.

They placed a G-tube (feeding tube) so she could go home with her parents. I send breast milk to her every Thursday and keep in touch with her Mama and Papa.

It has been determined that she can hear, see, and her muscle tone is getting better. Yesterday she drank 20.5 oz from a bottle, which is AMAZING! She is starting to smile and to mimic facial expressions...all of these things were things that we didn't know if she would be able to do..and she is doing them!!!!

No one, even now, knows how the brain damage will affect her life. The hope is that her brain will make new connections, as our amazing brains are capable of doing...and that is obviously happening!!! All in all, in my opinion, she is doing great and making HUGE progress and I can guarantee you that has so much to do with the LOVE & ENCOURAGEMENT coming from her amazing family!

I know she is going to rock this thing called life.

I will post a birth story soon. Thank you for your love!

Almost to the Most Beautiful Finish Line

2013-03-01T17:39:00.001-08:00

Things have been great! We are 37 weeks 3 days pregnant with a very loved little girl whose parents cannot wait to meet her!

At 34 weeks we had our follow up appointment with the neonatologist to check on her kidneys. One is perfect and the other is slightly enlarged. They are not truly concerned and think it's probably a normal variant for her. Because of this though, I have been getting Non Stress Tests weekly...which have all been great. They also said that she is a big baby, around 6 lbs. 10 oz., and at the time she was breech.

I am not concerned with her size because I know that my body is beyond capable of birthing her, but I did address the breech issue with inversion, pelvic raises, acupuncture and moxibustion every night. I am happy to announce that she turned and that is no longer a concern. :)

I am feeling pretty good..I have horrible carpal tunnel and edema (not related to preeclampsia), so my hands are numb and my legs are insanely fat from swelling! I have also started having more regular contractions and am guessing that she will make her grand entrance by next week (sometime this weekend)...so here is what I think will be the last picture of her in my tummy. :)

Thanks for following along! Lots of love and blessings!!!!

Happy New Year! 28 weeks, 6 days.

2013-01-01T10:31:00.001-08:00

Don't worry! I don't make resolutions anymore, so there will be no false promises of me being a better blogger....I think that we all have given up on that a long time ago!

Well, looking back to October (I am so sorry), it looks like I left you hanging with my amnio procedure. Well, no news is good news! The results came back absolutely normal and also confirmed that the little one is in fact a GIRL! :)

Beyond that, this has been a fairly uneventful pregnancy. Seriously, we are 28 weeks 6 days today and I feel great!

I was inspired to take a course to become a doula and met some very amazing and wonderful women in the process. It was almost embarrassing at times though. The love and positive energy of them all in the same room sometimes rendered me speechless and little on the emotional side. I don't know that I have ever been as weepy in a positive sense as I was during those classes. Granted, I am on the hormonal rollercoaster ride of pregnancy, but those who know me understand that I tend to tear up when I see happy lovey dovey sappy wonderful things in progress even when I am not pregnant. I can't wait to see them at our next monthly meeting!

I am now a doula who is in the process of being certified through DONA and I am so excited about it!!! Now I need to figure out how to go about getting clients. I am not very good at propositioning people and most of the time, I assume that I am a nuisance (blame the GAD). I know that I am and will be a fantastic doula, I just need to figure out how to put myself out there! Right now I am looking for clients to offer my services for free with a quick questionnaire on how I did, I just need to find some mama's who would like a doula present for their baby's birth! (let me know if you know anyone!) :)

I am also very excited to have my own wonderful amazing doula! She is the owner and Doula Workshop trainer at Mother Tree and besides my best gal, I wouldn't want anyone else there (besides mama and daddy of course).

I want to share the words I wrote for my fellow doula loves for our closing ceremony (before this note paper disappears into the chaos of life)...

She is still, the ocean, as I wait in anticipation of the turmoil of pain, pleasure, and joy that she will undoubtedly bring.

As she begins to move, I am filled with excitement, anxiety, and love. She tickles my toes as the water teases me with what is to come. I want to run from her, I want to hide from her. I can only wait.

Her waters rise as she becomes stronger. Her waves begin to take over my body. My brain fights to stay in control. I am not in control.

I release my body to her. She envelopes my body as she works towards our ultimate goal. We become one as I work with her because to try and stop her is in vain and will only cause tortuous pain.

My mind weaves in and out of the reality of the moment. I can breathe, no I can't.

"You can", she tells me, so we dance together as her waves rhythmically pull me in and out of myself.

There is a light. There is a beacon that reminds me that I am not far from home in the journey. I dance, I sing, I moan.

Her hug is crushing, like it is composed of the waves of one thousand years. I feel her pressure, full of love and guidance. The light says it's time.

I let go, yet I don't.

I am one with her. I am her. Together we push forth, over and over. We are now working for the light, together in the ancient cosmic dance of all who bore before us.

We inhale the fresh air that we have been given and we release the light.

Her waves release, she shudders and we separate. She is done. She has shed the light of love.

I thank her.

Another Late as Usual Update....

2012-10-16T16:39:00.001-07:00

Good Morning, Afternoon, or Evening you lovely being you! :)

Last Friday was the big AMNIO day!! Eek! It really had snuck up on me, so I didn't have any anxiety about it, which was wonderful!

I left work at 11:15pm and then picked up Momma Bear (IM). We had gluten-free pizza from Pizza Shmizza, which was outstanding, for lunch. Then we went to the appointment!

We started out by finishing the anatomy scan and confirmed once again that the baby is indeed a she! :) Her kidney's were on the boarder of being too big which could indicate down's or possible kidney disease...but one was just under the limit and one was barely over. I am certain that everything is wonderfully fine though. The test results will tell us if it's genetic and we have another ultrasound set for my 32nd week of pregnancy. HAPPY THOUGHTS ONLY sweet people! :0)

Isn't that the sweetest profile! :)

Next they completed the amnio...The only thing I can compare it to is an extremely bad cramp. I found it interesting that I could feel needle pass through the different layers. I am very in tune with my body so I think that may be why I was so aware of where the needle was passing. I found it intriguing.

I was very grateful when they pulled the catheter out. :)

Amniocentesis Procedure

After the procedure was done I tried to drive my car but I was still crampy/ pinchy...I know those are not words but the feeling is difficult to explain. Regardless, I did not feel like driving, so IM drove. She dropped me off at the Hotel Monaco here in Portland where I was to order room service, movies, and relax! So, I did! The prices were insane and it was like a whole different world. I felt so guilty for ordering anything but I did it anyway because I had to eat and boy was it good!

The room was huge (around 500ft) and I loved the decor!!! Here it is!

This is the "living room" area. The bathroom is beyond those doors to the left and was HUGE! I just didn't see the appeal of taking a picture of the bathroom.

This is the right side of the bedroom...yes that is another tv...two tv...good grief!

This is the left side of the bedroom and the ridiculously comfortable king size bed.

This is the view from the entrance...the bathroom is to the right..through the first doorway is the living room and then past that is the bedroom.

My good friend Wendy came later to spend the night with me...I didn't want to be alone all night! It was a whole lot of fun! It felt like a middle school sleepover...we talked ourselves to sleep!!! Of course before we did that, we had this amazing S'mores dessert....holy mackerel it was so good!!!

This.

So, that was the amnio experience...I was spoiled not scarred...I did feel so guilty for the cost that I offered my IM that I would pay half of the tab but she said I was being silly and that she was glad I got to relax! :) I really did feel like a princess!!!

As always, I love you!

It's a GIRL! and a No Go on the Amnio!

2012-10-02T15:28:00.001-07:00

So we found out that M & M are having a girl and I must say I told you so! :)

We also found out that I have an anterior placenta, which means the placenta is in the front. We could not find a good spot for the amnio to occur without the needle passing through the placenta, so we rescheduled for Friday Oct. 12th.

I'm going to go hang out with my kiddos now, but I figured I would send a quick update to all of you lovelies first before I got too distracted! :)

Loves!

The Un-Candy Coated Happenings....

2012-09-16T19:05:00.001-07:00

So, I updated you last week on what an awesome ultrasound we had, along with our wonderful first OB appointment...But I may have been a little vague on current events. This is due to my idea that having a positive outlook and thought process, every thing will always work out and be okay. However, I feel dishonest and that is not a feeling that I am fond of. So with that said, I am going to tell you how I have "really" been and ask that you look at the situation in a positive manner and send nothing but good prayers full of positive love and energy when you are through.

This may be TMI to those with a weak constitution, but it's not too horrible.

The Friday before this past I had a migraine that lasted until after I fell asleep on Saturday night. I don't know that this has any merit with what happened on Sunday night/Monday morning, but it happened. On Sunday I felt so much better and cleaned my kitchen (thoroughly). It was a great day until later that evening when I went to the bathroom and noticed blood (brown old blood) when I wiped. I immediately laid myself down and decided to take it easy. I drank a ton of water on top of that. Later on there was no blood, thank God.

On Monday morning I got dressed and went to work, where upon going to the restroom I noticed more brown blood in my chonies. At this point, I began to worry a little and called the advice nurse at my OB/GYN office. The nurse said that she would have the doctor call me back and that they would probably just give me instructions over the phone. So, I finished a fairly easy day at work and left for home.

After about 10 minutes of being home, I received the phone call from the advice nurse. They wanted me to come in for a fetal heart beat check. This was at 12:45 PM. She said the earliest they could see me was at 1:00 PM. Thankful that their office is only two exits off of 205 from my house, I said that I would be there.

The nurse that took me back to do the check was really sweet. At first what I heard was slow and labored and I began to worry. It wasn't the normal whew, whew, whew that I was used to hearing. I said something to the nurse and she said that it was the placenta. That was working, I sighed...But I still couldn't hear the baby.

The nurse kept moving the doppler around and stopping and then looking at her watch. I asked her if everything was okay and she said that the baby was just moving and she couldn't get the rate. I guided her to where I had seen the baby "hanging" out in the ultrasound and we were able to very briefly catch the baby's heartbeat, which was very strong. I guess she/he is a little mover, but thank God once again that we heard that little heartbeat.

The nurse sent me home with a "threatened miscarriage" information sheet with her own notes saying that I should be reassured that we heard the heartbeat. I was reassured until I received that damn information sheet with such a negative term in bold typing.

I decided that I needed to be positive and prayed a lot to God that the blood would stop and that pregnancy would continue to be viable and the baby would thrive.

There was no bleeding after that, but I did check my cervix and it was very short, soft and slightly open. I have been on modified bed rest since then...So it's work, then home where I am laying down for the most part. On Thursday I did another check of my cervix, even though I was apprehensive in doing so because I was afraid of what I would discover, but to my great pleasure and pure gratefulness, it was closed, hard, and longer than it had been earlier in the week.

Friday went without a hitch. Saturday I went to my 3 year old's gymnastics where I sat in a chair and watched the cuteness before me. After that I went to my 11 year old's first soccer game of the season where stood and watched an awesome match. Later that night, last night, I got a horrible, borderline migraine, headache. I chugged tons of water and laid down at 7:30 PM for an early bedtime.

My headache was gone this morning, thankfully. I did a cervix check. It was shorter and softer than on Thursday but not as bad as it was at the beginning of last week. Back to doing nothing but work and bed rest for me. I will not take any chances with this pregnancy, but I am assured and faithful that it will all be okay and that I may be over analyzing the feel of my cervix because I am paranoid.

So, my friends, I ask that you help stay positive for me. Think nothing of good thoughts and how happy and beautiful it will be when this baby's Mommy and Daddy hold her/him for the first time. It is all going to be okay and I am happy that I can be honest with you, even if opening up took me a little bit of processing. You are all beautiful and I am grateful to share my story with you.

As always, I love you.

and the worst blogger of the century award goes to......

2012-09-10T12:56:00.003-07:00

Oh gee..what has or hasn't happened in the last few to many weeks?

I guess most importantly, I am still pregnant! 12 weeks 5 days to be exact! We actually had our last appointment at the fertility clinic and were released to our OB, who we saw the same day! Oh! And I am no longer shooting my bum with hormones as my body has taken over that job! Yay my body!

This is the little (I'm saying girl) one hanging out upside down at 10 weeks 5 days with a strong 175 bpm heart rate:

We are scheduled for an amniocentesis on October 5th and I promise to try and get pictures of the procedure!

This is a shirt that I ordered for the little one...It is supposed to be turquoise, but the picture looks awfully blue to me! It says, "Made with Love (and science)". Perfect, right?!?

Now that I have given you the hip hops and hoorays, I hope you can forgive me for the lagging on writing. It has been hard to find time because someone else seems to always be on the computer or I am busy with my kiddos...At this point I won't even promise to write more, I will just say that I will do my best to keep you updated. :)

I'm sorry...I'm a turd.

2012-08-04T18:37:00.001-07:00

I'm not really sure why I haven't updated my blog yet. It would be understandable if I had bad news, but I don't. We saw a beautiful bean with a wonderful heartbeat of 125 (I'm guessing it's a girl). ;) Every time that I thought, "hmm, I should update my blog", something stopped me....so here I am, in the now, with this wonderful news!

M & M's Mini's very first photo:

I also took video of the whole ultrasound, but I am waiting for permission from the doctor to share it.

If you notice the dark spot above the gestational sac (the black area where the baby is), that is called a subchorionic hematoma. These are very common with IVF and should go away without any issues, however, I have been told that for now, walking is the only exercise I am allowed to do.

For more information on subchorionic hematomas go here: http://www.justmommies.com/articles/subchorionic-hematoma.shtml

If you are wondering why I say I am guessing a girl, I will tell you. First, IM and I both feel "girl". Second, the heart rate is on the high end for this early. On average the heart beat of a 6.5 - 7 week old fetus is 90-110, and this baby is at 125! Now, I am not saying I completely believe in the theory of gender/ heart rate correlation, but it's fun to guess. :)

I, personally, am feeling great (a little fat and self judging), but great. I am blessed with easy pregnancies! I have a bulge starting already, but I am hoping to stay out of maternity clothes until at least 10 weeks or more. Fingers crossed!

Our next and last appointment at ORM is on August 27, which is subsequently the same day as our very first appointment with the OB. :) So we have the ORM appointment at 11:15am, then we'll get lunch and head to Kaiser for our appointment at 1:30pm. I think that will be an exciting day!

I will try to keep you updated between now and then, but I don't expect much excitement. I will post the video if I am given permission though!

As always, I love you!

6 days until we see the little bean!

2012-07-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for the 30th! I know that I already told you that was the day of the ultrasound..don't act like I didn't! ;) I kid, I kid!

Everything is going as a normal pregnancy for me would go, besides the shots in the rear and the inserts in my you know.....

I have enjoyed eating celery and coleslaw (both of which I usually can't stand). I have had a nasty sweet taste in my mouth that makes me feel nauseous, but I have found that a piece of gum remedies that. I'm bloated and of course on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Oh joyous day! I'm pregnant!

I have been keeping busy with camping, fishing, and a concert. Of course, there have been naps carefully placed...umm..what am I saying!? Carefully placed? I lay down for a minute and I'm out! They are quite wonderful though!

Sorry for the sporadic manner of this post, but I wanted to update you guys real quick...just in case you were curious! ;0)

As always, I love you. Thanks for being amazing!

Still a crazy POAS addict...

2012-07-17T14:49:00.001-07:00

And yes, I'm still pregnant!

Oh I forgot to mention...

2012-07-16T20:36:00.001-07:00

My second beta at 11dp5dt was 139.4! I am currently 15dp5dt! :)

And the wait goes on....

2012-07-16T11:02:00.001-07:00

I will be the first to admit that I am one of the least patient people in the world when it comes to waiting for something I want or want to happen and I can't wait until July 30th!

That is the date of the first ultrasound, which will confirm the pregnancy by seeing the baby's heartbeat and growth. I am so excited for this, but I am also apprehensive. I don't know if you have ever been pregnant or when your were if you ever had that moment of not really believing you are pregnant. Well, it's even harder when you are pumping your body full of hormones that cause symptoms that mimic the same symptoms of pregnancy. I really want to go and POAS just to make sure...even though the blood test already confirmed that I am, in fact, pregnant with rising hCG numbers....I guess I just need to relax!

I only have 14 days left! Wish me luck on staying sane and not giving in to the desire to use a HPT.

As always I love you all! Have a beautiful day!

And the beta number is......

2012-07-10T15:20:00.001-07:00

Whoooooooooo! Second beta is on Thursday morning at 7:30am! :)

I'm so excited! If you don't know what that number means, that's okay! It's the amount of hCG in my blood...which means...I'm pregnant! I know that I have said this already, but this is the official "the doctor says so" test! Whooot!

I'll update more later! :)

It's a digital world!

2012-07-09T16:28:00.003-07:00

Good afternoon guys and dolls! Tomorrow is my BETA! That is where they measure the amount of hCG in your blood! I am super excited and I will update you on what that lucky number is when I get the results!

As for today (8dp5dt) I can share with you another exciting home pregnancy test! This one was the one holding me back and making me nervous....the digital.

I thought I was done taking tests and was going to wait until the BETA, however my friend Tiffany demanded a digital and my IM seemed to be extremely nervous. So I didn't pee from 10:15am until I got home from work at 12:30ish pm today. I picked up a pack of two digital tests on my way home and took one as soon as I got home...it was negative. :(

I was kinda bummed/worried.

I wasn't sure if I was going to take the second test today or in the morning. I wanted my urine to be as concentrated as possible (lovely right?)

I realized, however, that I tend to drink more water in the AM than I do in the PM. It was easier to not have to pee....So I was able to wait...and wait...and wait....and then at 4:00pm, I took the last and final test [I swear I wouldn't buy more (I can hear my surro sisters laughing at me now)].

Here it is...the wonderful and beautiful word without the ugly "NOT" before it!!!!

AHHHH!!! I'm so very excited!!! :)

Love to you all!

A LONG LONG time coming!!!

2012-07-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to start with an apology about how long it has been since I have updated you regarding my surrogacy journey. We spent these many months in limbo, not knowing what the next step would be and writing about nothing seemed mute and depressing.

On to today, the now, the lately!

M & M decided to give an embryo donor a try since they no longer had any frozen embryo's and the odds of a successful transfer using an embryo donor were greater than if they did.

The donor's eggs were retrieved on Tuesday June 26th and 9 of them fertilized with M (IF)'s sperm!! What a great number!!

On Sunday July 1st this little beauty, who I have dubbed M & M Mini, was transferred into my uterus:

This is an artistic version I made for my IP's! :)

As the worst kind of POAS addict, I started peeing on HPT's at 3dp5dt...I thought I had a very faint line, however I wasn't convinced that what I was seeing was a positive or the control line...So I kept peeing....

The following 3 photos are at 4dp5dt....with a trained surro eye...you can see very faint lines....the third photo was taken in the evening, so 4.5dp5dt....You can see the line easier in that one.

4dp5dt

4.5dp5dt

5dp5dt was not a very exciting day....The lines didn't seem to get darker and I was worried that was a bad sign...I had also used up 5 digital tests that all said "NOT PREGNANT" which is quite depressing....Stupid digitals! So I didn't take any pictures and may have pouted a little. :)

Now on to this morning...after peeing on the last test I had at 4am, which was a negative digital, I decided that I would just wait until my BETA test on Tuesday. However, being the addict that I am, I got up out of bed, got dressed, held my pee, and went to the store to buy more tests. I know...I have issues....

I got home and took the test (First Response Early Results)....and within less than a minute, this is what I got...

6dp5dt

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 1.5 years on this journey with my IP's, two failed cycles, one incomplete cycle because of the embryo falling apart, I'm PREGNANT!!!

Of course the numbers of the BETA(s) will be the tell all...and then the first ultrasound, but the magic HPT stick says M & M Mini is here to stay!!! WHOOO HOOO!!

That's it for now! I will try to keep this darn thing updated!

Love you all!

Eh...

2012-01-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

So...yeah...it's been more than a while since I have updated my blog and I am sorry to those of you who care.

My last cycle was a bust. I went through all the motions all the way up to the point where I was laying on the table ready for the transfer...The embryologist came in just as the Dr. said we were ready (legs up and everything) and told us that the embryo had died. It was insanely sad.

This mixed with the fact that I was laid off in September, have an uncle (successfully) battling cancer, and missing my family during the holidays has kept me pretty quiet and hermit like. I've been quite lonely as Jesse works nights and seems to sleep all day. I know I have the girls, but adult conversation, for me, is needed. I have been lucky to have two great friends who visit me on occasion and I thank God for them because they keep me sane! ;) Lack of money has kept me pretty tied to the house as it is, so going "out" hasn't really been in the cards, so the company is nice and I love them for it!

On the surrogacy front, I should know more soon. My IP's are finding an embryo donor and plan on moving forward with me as their carrier. I will update when I know more.

Love and blessings!

Blank.

2011-08-31T14:33:00.000-07:00

No, of course the blog isn't blank...it might not say much, but it's not blank...That is all that came to my mind when thinking of a title. :)

So, I started the bcp's today but I still haven't gotten a calendar. I really want to express my frustrations with the new nurse working with us...but I won't...mainly because she is new....and it will just get me irritated and I need to be beyond that!

Since she hasn't gotten my calendar ready, that I was supposed to have last week or the week before even, I have taken it upon myself to make an attempt at calculating the injection start date, the transfer date, and the due date....I may not be spot on, but I know I am pretty close. I am guessing the injections will start around 8/13, the transfer will be around 10/18, and the due date should be around 7/3. :) Of course these are my guesses...I will let you know soon if I am right...on any account! :) LOVES!

OH! Please pray for my surro-sister Tiffany whose mother is in the hospital on a ventilator. Please pray that God guide the hands and minds of the doctors to heal her in the manner that He wills. Also please ask that God wrap his arms around Tiffany, her father, brother, family and friends and offer them peace and comfort in such a time. Amen.

Whoo Hoo! (Updated) (Updated again)

2011-08-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

I will be starting birth control pills on the 31st! (the witch showed up this morning..so I will probably be starting the birth control on Saturday!!!!) (Sticking with the original plan...starting on the 31st!) That's the initiation of the 3rd round! Prayers for a great and successful cycle are appreciated beyond comprehension!

I really do stink at this blogging thing, and I am so sorry....However, my life has been a series of hills to climb then roll down in a child like fashion...and since the hills are generally small, they keep coming....and I keep climbing and rolling! :)

I will update more later, but it's a little past 8:00 am and I have to get to work! Love and blessings in mass quantities!

On the Road Again!

2011-08-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

I received confirmation and a super sweet email last week from my IP's that we are going another round! The details are still null, but at least the gears have started to move in some fashion. :)

I am very excited to be able to give this another shot. Third times a charm, right? I will just need all of your prayers and positive loving energy along the way, if you don't mind! I love you lots! Blessings and love!

Crystal

Uppitydate....

2011-07-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

I’m not even going to begin this with my usual life got busy so I didn’t blog excuse. I don’t have much to say in regards to the surrogacy process, as there have been no decisions made one way or another. We are still at a standstill….I think more like ½ a block away from the crossroads than at them.

In my life I’ve been dealing with a bought of depression. With this failed IVF, the loneliness that has come with working separate shifts than Jesse, and the loss of a friend my guard was down and I allowed myself to be enveloped in deep sadness. It’s been a long couple of months, but I am slowly but surely making my way through the murkiness and into the bright sunshine filled world that I am blessed to be a part of. I’ve made two very amazing friends who have helped with the loneliness….Jen, one of my new best friends is by far one of the most compassionate people I have ever known and I am so blessed that she was introduced to me by the grace of God. She has helped me more than anyone could ever know and I didn’t even ask for it, for that I am eternally grateful. The other, Katie, is super amazing and I have known her for years, but we never had the chance to hang out…except when I would drop Sydney off at school……Now she lives down the road….She’s an amazing friend too…super sweet, an insane artist (seriously her art is that good), she’s a professional DJ (however not currently doing that work) and a teacher…and she is so easy to talk to.

I also have been graced with the presence of my best friend Jasmine and my niece Sophia as they came into town for our friend Sheena's wedding (which was awesome!)....

So, I'm slowly coming out of my funk....slowly..... I just know everything works out....it always does. :)

My kids are doing great! Here are a couple of pics… and my new siggy that I made for my allaboutsurrogacy.com profile. J

Hope this finds you well!!

I took all of the pictures (even the background of the siggy) myself! :) Edited the ones of the girls...yay!

And We Have Contact!

2011-06-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

So, wouldn't it figure that after I posted my update in Limbo I would get an email from M!?! I figured I would share the email that I got from her and then the one I sent back...Just for a little more insight.

FROM: M

Hey Crystal.

I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to contact you.

It’s been a busy time with DS' (took out their sons name; DS means Dear Son) 3^rd birthday, family visits, out-of-town travel and general life craziness.

Also, we just haven’t known what to tell you. We still don’t know quite what to do next, so everything is still in the air. We hope to make some sort of decision soon, but as you can imagine, it’s just such a big and difficult thing to think about. With only one embryo left (and this one has been refrozen, unlike the others), our hopes aren’t high, and it’s a lot to go through to get all the way to transfer day only to be told that it didn’t survive the thaw, or doesn’t look viable. So we’re feeling a little stuck.

That said, we will make some kind of decision soon-ish, and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can with that.

In the meantime, I hope you know – completely – that you did everything you could have to make these two transfers successful. We know that we are just victims of the odds (about 50 %), and they just didn’t go our way. We hope that you aren’t blaming yourself in any way. We certainly don’t have anything but great feelings about you.

Be well, and we’ll hope to be in touch soon.

FROM: ME

Dear M,

It is SO good to hear from you guys! I'm glad that you are doing okay!

I agree with you 100% that you are in a very tough position right now, and although I can't fully understand from your level, I do know that any decision regarding the whole process shouldn't be rushed or even taken lightly. I am glad that you emailed me though, it takes away the feeling of unknowing, which is a relief. Not whether or not you will want to move forward, but that you are okay.

Happy 3rd birthday to DS! How exciting and what a fun fun age! I am turning 10 x's that age on Saturday and am looking forward to making the most of this upcoming decade of my life! :) It's going to be wonderful!

Have a beautiful day!

Crystal

Thank you all for reading my blog and sharing this journey with me! I appreciate you all!

OH!! And BIG News for me (more for my friends Allissa and Gilbert)...but I'm going to be a Godmother in December!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so uber excited! LOVES! Congrats guys!

Still in Limbo as I Count Down the Last 3 Days of my 20's!

2011-06-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been over a month since the last transfer, and I haven't heard anything from M & M. That is why I haven't given you an update until this point....I was waiting for some substantial news to tell you, which I unfortunately do not have.

All is well with me otherwise and I have many blessings in my life, thank you God. I'm a little lonely with Jesse's work schedule being opposite of mine, but my good friend Jen has been a great adage to my life and we have many visits each week. I think we found our friendship at a time when we both needed someone and I am lucky to know her and her family. My girls are doing great, Syd is about to graduate the 4th grade and Jocelyn is entering the terrible twos...and for a little one who thinks and says she's a princess, this can be maddening! ;) Our four legged kids are doing great too. Ollie, my dog, is AMAZING and as smart as can be....although at 3 months, he is HUGE. His paws are already bigger than Jesse's German Sheppard/ Siberian Husky Sasha's...and he eats 2 xs as much as her...3 times a day! But, he's potty trained, knows sit, and shake. We are still working on down and hush...he's a verbal little big guy! I got him when he was 5 weeks old and he was so small. Mom was a stray and she was a medium size mutt, so I expected him to be around the same size...but whatever his daddy was must have been huge!!! He looks part Mastiff...but whatever he is....I'm in love!

I will be turning 30 this Saturday and plan on singing some karaoke with many of my good friends because the camp ground ended up being closed up until this weekend due to snow. Thank you Oregon. ;) It's okay though, we have all summer to do some camping...and oh it will happen!

So, that's basically my update for you. I am in a state of unknowing regarding the surrogacy. If M & M decide to not move forward, I may try to find another couple to help...I already have it in my head that I am doing this....Why quit now?

In Limbo

2011-05-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

So it’s been almost two weeks since the failed IVF and I have only corresponded with my IP’s via text messaging two days after the news. I haven’t heard anything from them since that time. I did send an email two days ago letting them know that I realize what a difficult and trying time this must be and also that I support whatever route they decide to take next, but I’m lost. I have never been content in waiting and unknowing. It’s difficult for me to function without knowing what’s coming next. I, in no shape or form, want to rush them into making a decision, this is just how I feel and I need to get it out there because it’s causing me some stress and anxiety. I kind of need to know which way my gears should be turning, you know?

Anywho…Life is going okay…no major complaints..love my family...yada yada. I did, however, have to cancel my much anticipated 30^th Birthday camping trip on June 11th due to snow and my unwillingness to subject my two year old to 3 days in freezing cold weather….and am looking for alternatives (suggestions please!) I will be meeting with other members of the best gym ever - SKOGG Gym (https://www.facebook.com/#!/home.php?sk=group_44466204853) for an hour on my birthday, but other than that, as of now the day is open.

As always, have a beautiful day! Loves!

Pity Pity.

2011-05-19T15:03:00.001-07:00

My headspace is cloudy and lonely.

I dream of this offering that I have been unable to give, and not for a lack of trying, because I did.

I’m sad.

I’m lost.

I don’t know where this journey is headed…

but right now I am in a purgatory of solitude and unknowing.

It’s cloudy…

The moisture gathers on my face and streaks my make up.

Sorry...The Blogger Was Down...BETA results: BFN

2011-05-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

The embryo's didn't take. Yesterday was very hard for me because I felt so sad for M & M. I really thought that they were going to stick...Although, the negative beta didn't surprise me...after taking all of those negative HPT's, I had a feeling it would be negative as well.

M & M are taking it harder this time around too...and they have only one more shot with the last little totsicle. I don't know where we are going from here or if they will want me to try a third time. I will let you know.

I do have to say thank you so much to my friend's for your support. I took it really hard and bawled like a baby at my work desk but your words and love really helped me more than you will know. You are all amazing. I went over to my friend Jen's house and the kids played and Jason made dinner...it was nice to be there....so Thanks JEN! :) Then I went home and popped the cork on a bottle of red...

On another note, I will be turning the big 30 next month and I am finally going camping for my birthday! I have the spot reserved at Clear Lake, OR (lot 9...right by the water!) I'm so excited! At this rate though, there might be snow!!! Gotta take my long underwear! :) All are invited, you just have to get your own spot as ours is full!

I think I might go sing some Karaoke tomorrow night at the Farm House.....get my mind off things..have some fun. Yeah...I might just do that.

I hope all is well with you and that you have a beautiful day.....Thanks for reading this (random at times) blog of mine! Loves <3
Then,