My Journey Back to Sanity

Separation Anxiety

2011-12-12T14:14:00.001-07:00

I've got it bad. Remember a couple of months ago when I posted about adjustments and how it was stressful because of the anxiety? Okay, well the worst of the adjustment period I believe is over and everything's getting to a normal pace. At least it was, until the bf got a job. I know many of you are probably thinking, What's the problem? At least he's trying to get one. Right? I fully understand that, and I agree because I need help taking care of the house. My thing is, I had no idea it would give me separation anxiety to this extent.

A couple of weeks ago, hubz had an interview at Dish Network and got the job. Wasn't too surprised, he's a good worker and has telemarketing experience anyhow. That was fine and dandy. We were just coming off of a period of fighting all the time or at least having one good blowout a week. I'm very happy to report that even that has calmed to a small flipout or two. lol Anywho, I remember telling him while he was still looking for a job that it would be good when he got one because we'd be able to have space. He responded that he didn't need any; he loved being around me. I was fine with that, to an extent. The pressure of adjusting to so much combined with thinking about both his feelings and my own was getting to me, so I can freely admit that it was really me who needed the space. I felt bad when he said that, because to a level I agreed with him, but I was beginning to tire of the arguing and what I felt to be my needs not being listened to or abided by. So I felt the space would be a good thing for us, besides that I didn't want him to feel cooped up and not make any friends--this is more than a visit and I didn't want him to be here 2 years later and still not have anyone around him. That sounds like a selfish thing for me to want, although if I'm being honest, I don't really want to share him all the time either. Yes, that is selfish as well. lol I don't know lol, I was going through a confusing time and the mix of being tired of arguing and angry about having to adjust everything in my space was making me feel confined. I digress. So I tell him the job could be a good thing other than for financial reasons, and not long after he gets an interview. It dawned on me as my mom and I were driving home that if hubz were to get this job, he wouldn't be around all the time anymore. Even in my confined slump, I got used to having him around when I wanted or needed him. I had gotten used to coming in the room and him being there, or hearing him talking or laughing from across the house. Even though I'm the one that suggested the break, for some reason I hadn't considered what that would entail. smh As it dawned on me, it made me feel a little anxious.

I had to put things in perspective so I could figure out why I was feeling this way. Yes, I was tired of feeling as though my space was being invaded and I had no say. Yes, I was tired of all the arguing over things that really hold no significant importance. Yes, I was tired of not being able to do what I wanted in my own room. However, I also was not expecting to be sad when I thought about being able to do what I wanted in my own room at the cost of him not being in it. But I was. Since he got here, we've been attached at the hip. The only time we're away from each other is when one of us goes to the store and the other stays home. The store is only 2 minutes away in the car, if this shows any evidence to how "far" we get away from each other. And even that is no longer than 2 hours. So that goes to show how much time we've had together in the past 2 months he's been here. This was my gaming buddy, my nap partner, my partner in crime, my verbal sparring opponent, my friend, lover, all of that......and now I am being told that the time we have together after waiting for 10 months for a hug will be cut in half at best. x_x

Maybe I'm being dramatic, after all it is just a job. He'll be home in four hours. lol But still, the thought of being away from him gives me anxiety. I didn't realize it fully until we got home and the room was empty and quiet. I got to play the games on the PS3 in silence. I can lay out on my bed all I want for as long as I want without getting in anyone's way. I can watch tv and be on the computer if I so choose. But for some reason, it just doesn't have the same amount of appeal as it did before he got here, or while I was adjusting to not having that option, or hell even last week. I should have been excited to have my room back, even if only for a few hours. Instead, I'm moping around with nerves in my gut, the feeling of disconnection with my body which is making me anxious, wondering how he's doing and if he's liking his new job and when he'll be home. I can't wait to hear how his day went and most of all I can't wait to have my cuddle buddy back. I miss him. :(

I'm just here to say, separation anxiety is very real and lemme tell you, VERY annoying. lol

Adjustments

2011-10-15T01:33:00.003-06:00

Change has never really been a friend of mine. Having anxiety only ensured that we'd never be on a bed buddies level of comfort, and even though I am starting to get better in some ways, we're still not exactly bosom yet. I don't know that we will be anytime soon. Change on a small level, if I'm eased into it, is tolerable at very best. Change on a large scale or in more than one area is hell at best and insanity a level under that. About two weeks ago, my boyfriend moved in with us. For the past 10 months we've been involved in a long-distance relationship, him from Pennsylvania and me from Texas, and its been rough at times, to say the least. It hasn't been completely roses since he's been here, but I haven't lost my mind yet so I'd say I'm learning to cope. There have been so many adjustments in such a short period of time. I'm used to my space, having my room to myself as often as I want, not having to ask for anything or share anything. Since his computer has to be shipped down here, for now we're both using my computer to do what we want to do online, and for an addict like myself that has NOT been an easy task at all. We have to share the tv, I'm not allowed anymore to have both the tv and computer because it leaves him with nothing to do, I have to share my bed (which is ok sometimes because its getting cold out lol) and that has been hard as hell, my room is always messy now (gosh men are sloppy creatures!) but what I believe bothers me most of all is that my brothers seem to open up more to the new creature in the house more than me. They stick to him like glue, I don't get more than two words unless they're tattling, begging or making fun of something. Maybe its because he's a man, so they see it as a kindred spirit of sorts, maybe its because he's the new toy in the house, I'm not sure. But its a little ego-crushing to see this new person come in (at your request, mind you) and steal your brothers (and sister, to a level) away from you without even really trying. I ask a question and get three word responses sometimes; he doesn't have to ask and gets a story. I've found out more about them since he's been here than I knew in the years leading up to it. Doesn't make me feel very needed at all; makes me wonder what my purpose is. I can't give advice or be a good example or any of that, because they don't need it and don't really seem to want it, either. I've seen lots of older sisters who were wonderful for their younger siblings. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I hate that I'm jealous, but I am. I was a good example in school, didn't get anything for it from them at that time but the normal sibling responses of "The house would be better without you in it," "I can't wait until you leave," mess like that was pretty normal for me to hear. I don't hear it now, but I don't hear what's going on with them or what they like. I've heard more in the two weeks my bf's been here. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me to where they can't tell me anything. Personal stuff that only another male could understand, okay. Stuff they'll probably get in trouble for, okay. Normal stuff like what they like and don't like, not so much. I remember writing a post some time ago about younger girls in my former church and how I thought I could be a good example for them, but they didn't seem to agree. It's pretty much the same thing here, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong to not be able to influence anyone in a good way or to where someone would need to hear what I have to say. Maybe that'll come in time and maybe it won't. I don't really know anymore. I do know, however, that it bothers me. Like I said, I know I shouldn't be envious but I am. I know that's wrong and I'm trying not to be, because its likely not anything personal, but I don't really know my purpose if nobody needs me. I don't know many things though, so I suppose I couldn't be of much help anyway. Meh. I have to fight being upset with them about it, but I know I'm failing. It's like I've been thrown aside...and that's not a good feeling, especially when you had to deal with complaining and whining in the months leading up to it that the new person was going to take you away. Then the new person gets here and THEY take the person away from you, throwing you to the side. Do they see it? Probably not. Will they care once they do? Probably not. Ahh, the power of irony.

Anyway, the point of this blog was to talk about adjustments. I know those of you who have had anxiety for a number of years have come to realize that even if you were okay with change beforehand, it is no longer a welcome presence in your life. It is always something that is avoided or eased into, if possible. When it all hits you like bricks and there's no exit or way to backpedal to a level that's more comfortable for you, it can cause you to backslide because it becomes overwhelming. That has definitely happened in this situation. So many changes, so much adjusting to be done and no time to just breathe for a minute and absorb it all. I think that's what I need, but then everytime I start to think and try to absorb, I end up with more things that I didn't anticipate with this change and end up not liking them. I don't dislike them because they're all terrible, I dislike them because they represent change, things I can't have back. Things I can't take back. If not for any other reason than to preserve my bubble, this thing I've become used to being confined in for years upon years, I would take it all back and go back to where I was. This is so unfamiliar for me, its all unchartered territory and I wish I could go back to when everything was thought out, everything was planned. Everything now seems so spontaneous and permanent, which means there's no exit. Which means I don't like it. lol I'm trying to adjust, I really really am. I'm doing much better than I thought I would, but its so much at once that sometimes I think I'm just going to fall on my face or sabotage things so much that they go back to where everything was familiar. I'm a fan of happiness as much as the next person, don't get me wrong, but its still an unfamiliar concept to my life. I have considered many a time about sabotaging this unfamiliar thing in favor of what's familiar to me, loneliness and solitude, because its all I recognize and know to be familiar. I can't gain or lose when I'm inside the bubble, because nothing gets in. I'm in full control, so nothing that I don't like can get in and I can easily eliminate it if it does. I can't do any of that anymore, because the bubble is gone, seemingly for good. I'm happy about it, but at the same time I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know this atmosphere, this environment. I know what's inside of my bubble and nothing else. I wasn't coaxed out of the bubble with a biscuit and a soda, I was kicked out with no blanket in the dark. That's what it feels like, and its scary. Not to mention it makes me hate myself that much more. I mean seriously. How afraid do you have to be to want to be unhappy and be without love and happiness just because it puts you back in familiar territory? Smh.

I also realized that some of my anxiety about situations and my anxiety about men does indeed trace back to my childhood and some of the things I had to go through as a child. I suppose that's a relief to know now, but I wish I'd known it sooner. There's so much for me to conquer, not in a day of course and thank God, but throughout the course of this relationship there has to be so much growth in order for me to get to where I'm supposed to be. It's overwhelming. I thought that I'd be full and complete by the time I met the person who was supposed to go with me to this next chapter, but it turns out that I'm not. I don't know how to feel about that, because it just seems like I'm trash now and have to go through so much more throughout this relationship to be right. That's alot to endure. I don't want to put him through all of that. Hell, I'm not sure I want to go through all of that. Of course I want to be right, but damn, why do I have to be this banged up?

Adjustment is a painful thing indeed.

Happy Places and Distraction Bags

2011-10-04T14:25:00.002-06:00

Happy places and distraction bags. These were two things that helped me significantly during the relapse a few years ago that I don't remember covering while I was going through it. I had already developed a happy place, but instead of leaving it as just a visual reminder in my mind, I tried my hardest to bring the visual to paper, so that I could always go to it. Sometimes I'm too distracted to focus really hard on getting to my "happy place" during an attack, and being able to have a visual on hand to help my mind get there helps alot. I'm really surprised I haven't covered this one yet; they were two big components to at least helping me cope before.

The concept of a "happy place" is not a new one by far, but it is an underestimated stress relieving tactic. Many people wonder, "What can a happy place do for me? I can't even go there." The point of having one isn't always to go there, although once recovery is fully on the horizon and this place really does exist, then shoot for the stars. But until then, this happy place is where you go to escape the world, escape your thoughts, and in some states of mind this can help restore hope in what I'm sure has become quite the dismal experience. Not saying your lives suck or anything, but it's a very gloomy atmosphere to be in, dealing with anxiety and fear all the time. A happy place is a reminder that not everything is bad, can give you that escape you need at that time, no matter how temporary, and can restore hope as well in the sense that it can motivate you to get there once you get better.

But it is much more than just picturing a beautiful sunset, or an ocean with crystal clear waters gently lapping at your feet; the visual is just the beginning and this is where the concentration may begin to falter if you're in attack mode. The item you are picturing is just the background, the smaller picture to the mental environment you are creating. As common as the term is these days, mainly said in joking or neurotic manners of speaking, it is still very surprising that there are genuinely people who don't know what a happy place is. I had to explain the general idea of the happy place to my mom, and even though many times it probably slips her mind when her stress and depression begin to get the better of her I know that having a happy place to go to from time to time isn't too shabby either.

For those of you who aren't aware or familiar with this idea yet, I'll give you a little walkthrough that you can practice with me now if you like. It's pretty simple, actually, I just want to make sure you all understand it so you can get the best experience you can out of it. Picture a location you've always wanted to go, preferably someplace that relaxes your mind and brings you peace. This place can be a beach, a spa, it doesn't matter. But don't just picture the location, put yourself there. Say the location you chose is a beach after all. Picture how the sand feels between your toes--is it cold, is it soft, does it have particles or other things in it, etc. Smell the air in this location--does it reek of saltwater, is the saltwater aroma more subtle, are there other scents present, etc. What can you hear, do you hear any animals off in the distance, any music, people, talking, etc.? What are you doing, are you walking, are you walking alone or with another person, are you sitting down and relaxing? The point of all the questions here is to help you make this experience as 3d, as realistic as possible. Use these questions as guiding points to get more in depth with this visual. Paint the picture as colored, as detailed, as vivid as you need to. The deeper the better because when you really need to get away to that place you have created, really picture yourself there.

Whenever you feel yourself reaching that limit or point of no return, feeling an excess of any negative feeling, rely on that place as the "happy place." However, do not use this place on the normal or it will lose its significance and won't be as welcoming when you return to it. Go to this place when and only when you absolutely need to, and when you have regained your calm or sense of peace, leave it. Do not use it as a crutch, or you will find yourself doing more daydreaming than going about your day.

Distraction bags were also a godsend to me when I was trying to recover by leaving the house. These bags are filled with things that help to distract you and calm you down, in essence bringing a part of your security blanket--your home--with you. My distraction bag had a few notebooks, a book that had different Scriptures in it for various issues or questions you may ask God, a couple of puzzle books, my anxiety workbook and journal, and a few magazines. I also had a couple of pictures, one with my mom and the other with my grandma. I still carry both of those around today, even though I don't need a distraction bag anymore. Your distraction bag doesn't have to contain the same things as mine; yours should be full of things that make you feel better and calm you down. The purpose of the bag is to help you adjust to the outside and be able to be out around people and still have a little bit of your own comfort level. I used to believe that I'd be completely uncomfortable being outside of my house with other people because I couldn't take anything with me to distract me or remind me of my security blanket, which was my house. I got the distraction bag and it ended up helping me significantly. And in under six months, I didn't need it anymore. Using the distraction bag helped lead into conversations when people asked what it was or what something was that I had inside of it, and before long, I wasn't relying on it quite as much as I became more comfortable with my surroundings. Luckily for me, at that time I only went a handful of places, none of which were unfamiliar to me after a time, mainly just uncomfortable because they weren't home. Bringing home with me eventually helped me to leave it at home. Don't rush yourself to get rid of your distraction bag, as a matter of fact, have fun with it. Decorate your bag, come up with new things and items to include in the bag, anything to help it be more exciting for you to take with you.

Happy places and distraction bags got me through a very tough period in my recovery; they helped me to become more comfortable with outside surroundings and people. I still rely on the happy place today; that's just a normal stress reliever. Distraction bags are more anxiety specific but please have fun with it for as long as you may need it in your life. I hope these tips work for you!

Goodness gracious!

2011-04-12T14:52:00.000-06:00

Where do I even begin. Hell, I have no idea. I've been panicking alot more lately, much to my chagrin and discouragement. lol Can you believe I've even brought some of them on myself? lol Actually, I'm trying to recover from a self-inflicted one now! lmao Long story short, I have really bad acid reflux but I like laying on my stomach. Well those of you with acid reflux (and if you have anxiety its pretty likely you either already had acid reflux/GERD or have it now because its a side effect) already know laying on one's stomach while the acid's acting up only makes it worse, and eating after awhile of not eating and smoking makes it hard, so it can make matters even worse. I'll assume that's one reason why the doctor said I should be eating every 3 to 4 hours, so that I wouldn't have situations with the reflux anymore. Ehh. I digress and I'm hardheaded. So in more than one way, this is my fault. lol Anyway, I had a couple bites of a sandwich and like most folks, when you don't eat after awhile of the acid bubbling in the gut, it makes you nauseous. Laying on my stomach brings up the acid, so I kept swallowing when I already had a dry throat. This in turn caused my throat to close up, which made my gag reflex sensitive, which in turn made me panic when I tried to swallow after so long of forcing myself to swallow. Ugh. So I called my mom, and she helped for awhile but she was out with my stepdad and his mom so her attention was a little distracted so I got off the phone. I called a 'friend' that was supposed to be part of my 'support system' but that went nowhere quickly, so I let it go.

Speaking of support systems, let me reiterate to you again the importance of having a stable one. Yes, its ok that they have their own lives and sometimes might be a little busy, but if they agree to help you through the situation and say for you to call them if you need them, make sure that they mean it before you begin to rely on their support through the rougher parts of your recovery. I can tell you, having many failed 'friends' and 'support systems' through the years, its still very discouraging when one falls through. Its still a moment of extreme loneliness when you're in that moment and need a distraction or a friend to give you some calm, some peace to get you through. So please, please make sure that the people you select to be there for you truly mean it and that you have some kind of backup just in case people are busy or don't come through when you need it. You shouldn't have to experience it by yourself especially if others have given their word that you wouldn't have to; just watch your own back and have backup because at the end of the day, the only one that has your back all day everyday is yourself. Most 'friends' quite frankly aren't about shit. I just don't want any of you to realize that when you're down and out because its very sobering and increases the fear.

As far as my anxiety goes, I've been gradually having more and more attacks lately, but fortunately they haven't been hours and hours long like some of my worse ones. The intense part lasts between half an hour and an hour, and its not even constant anxiety; its more calm moments then a few intense and stressful ones, then it goes back and forth. After awhile, I'm left with the fatigue and the dizziness and the feeling of being on the border of the attack, like it could come back at any moment with a significant enough trigger. I'm not entirely sure why they have been recurring so often, all I know is that its very very irritating. Not to mention tiring as hell. I've been flip-flopping with my sleep cycle alot lately, so I end up exhausted most of the time anyway, but add that onto the anxiety attacks which usually leave me feeling like a deflated balloon anyway and I'm damn near collapse when everything goes back to normal. The little aftershocks of an anxiety attack are no joke.

I'll be going back to school sometime early this summer finally, after almost a year off. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to go back even then, but I'm getting restless and IMVU just isn't cutting it anymore. Initially I took more time so that I could do things that made me happy, like the developing on IMVU and spending time with the people there, but it has become a place of stress for me in that time instead. Regardless, I don't regret the break. It helped me see I was wasting the government's money continuing to go there, I was wasting my time not being able to learn, and the time I spent not learning there could have been spent looking for another school to better fit my needs. I found one, so I hope to be starting there around when the kids get out of school. It's much cheaper than AI so I'm hoping it goes better too.

As for IMVU, RPG just doesn't blow my whistle anymore. I'm right on the cusp of so many big real life decisions, trying to pave the way for the rest of my life, at the moment IMVU just doesn't compare. In general it has become such a source of my stress that I find myself dreading when I have to get online; dreading when I have to think about these fake situations that people bring on for entertainment purposes. I have to wonder if I want to create more stress for my life than I have, on a full-time basis. I still enjoy developing from time to time, but I know I'll never be pro material; I could never be that good. That kinda kills the buzz for me. It's also a very oversaturated network, so I'm fighting with hundreds of thousands of other aspiring pro developers and my products don't really stand out because they're either custom products or someone's already done it, and theirs probably looks better than mine anyway. When I put that all in perspective I had to wonder if it was worth six months of my time. Unfortunately, the answer was no. lol So once I go back to school and these things start coming together in my life, its eventually going to cut down on my IMVU time significantly anyway, so I can't even say I'm complaining too much now. I'm ready for the change; my life's revolved around IMVU and RPG situations for too long because there was no excitement in my life. That change is coming quickly now and the anxiety will be gone, I won't have the time or place for IMVU anymore once that change comes about and my priorities are re-shifted. And I'm ok with that. I believe the man is too. Well hell, even if he isn't I already know my time on there is going to be significantly decreased; I'm not going to force IMVU into my life if it ends up at the bottom of my priority and to-do lists. God already told me once the change has happened and my priorities have been shifted correctly IMVU will take its rightful place somewhere towards the bottom. Again, my goals and purpose have already been fulfilled, I'm straight with it not being a priority anymore.

Let's see....other than that I guess its pretty much same ol same ol. Financially my family's in a real bind so I'm hoping God comes through for us in a big way soon. I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow in my walk with Him; I'm desperately craving the peace of mind and confidence that comes with the faith I'm trying to obtain again. I haven't heard Him too clearly lately, but not for lack of trying. I haven't been trying just to receive the material either; I genuinely crave His presence in my life. It gave me a feeling that nothing on this planet can ever replicate and I miss it terribly. I just want to get better, get stronger in Him, be happy and live my life. Others get to do it, I don't think its asking for the world to be shifted off its axis if I ask to have my wishes granted as well. I'm a little sleepy and still pretty dizzy from that attack so I'm gonna lay down, but I do promise to try and update yall a little more often. Hope life is treating you well; God bless you all and take care; I wish you all the best on your recovery so far!

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

2011-04-12T13:05:00.001-06:00

((I wrote this way back in January; just forgot to post it. lol))

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately. My life is either on the way to lots of fun or lots of pain, depends on what day you ask me. For the first time in over a year last week, I had an anxiety attack. It was a pretty bad one too. All the coping mechanisms and tricks? Right out the window. Per usual with the big ones, I was still feeling the effects a couple of days later, but after a couple of days I wasn't stressing about the next time I'd have one. That was surprising. I think I wore myself out worrying about it; at this point I could care less. Come or don't. lol But after so long of preparing myself for another anxiety attack, it bothered me that this one got away from me so fast I couldn't use any of the things I had learned. And with anxiety, you can't exactly say "Oh well, there's always next time." You would hope there will never be another one, not hoping for the next one so you can learn. It's not an experiment. So yeah, that was kind of disheartening. But I digress. I know what caused it and I realize that the fear got away from me before I had a chance to stop it. And I have felt what triggered the attack since then and haven't panicked. Actually, I'd been feeling it for awhile; it happens every now and then. But it was about 2 days before a certain friend came into town so my anxiety levels were higher, it had been a really bad day, and I was extremely stressed and not thinking/overthinking. In other words, the stage had been set.

It's been going this route for quite some time; my sleeping has been off the charts strange lately, I barely eat if I eat at all because my stomach is giving me trouble again, but that's my fault. I've been drinking more and more soda and hardly any water so not only is my stomach not able to filter everything out of my system but all the bubbles in the soda has been messing with me, on top of the acid and the tension I usually carry in my stomach. I have a knot of tension in my throat, so I have a problem swallowing from time to time and when I'm laying on my stomach, the acid reflux comes back too so I end up having to swallow repeatedly to relax. On top of that I've been immensely stressed, with financial matters and things at home, just everything at once. But the physical, mainly the trouble swallowing, was what really what set me off on Thursday. I had it the next day and earlier today if I remember right, but for some reason I didn't panic. I'm not complaining, I just thought it sucked that I had one at all. I really hope that I don't have another one, but because my focus is on getting my body right, I think it'll help keep it at bay.

Since November someone new has entered my life, and it has definitely been some work. I won't go into too much detail seeing as how the last time had me not just eating but devouring my words at a later date because I spoke too soon, but I will say that I am happy and really hoping this one goes the mile. I no longer blame myself for the last relationship not working out as I saw later that I did everything God asked me to do; dude was the one originally intended for me but he wasn't ready to change and do the work God asked him to do on himself. So God changed my path and it bumped into someone else's. I asked God for quite a few things after the last one didn't work, and He delivered exactly what I asked Him to. But I do remember not wanting it to be easy, and He delivered there too. lol This time however the cards are mainly in my hands, so it's important that I play them correctly. And since he's still around, I'll assume that I am. lol Here it is already almost February, and I remember telling him back in early December that it just seemed too far off for me to wait. I wasn't sure we'd make it that long and while the past couple of weeks has been pretty rocky, we made it through. He's not as quick as I am to assume something won't work; that's one thing I've learned from being with him. It's a long distance relationship so that takes alot of work that neither of us are used to since we both said we hate long distance relationships, but we both maintain that we're setting the foundation for something that has the potential to be great, and I believe that. So now I'm just trying to let go and let God...again. It's by no means easy because the last time I let my guard down I got my heart broken terribly, so letting down some walls and letting this one in wasn't something I originally chose to do, I just did it and realized I needed to so that this could work. It's funny, we both said we wouldn't get into a relationship since we are so far away (he's 2 hours ahead of me, so obviously we are not sister states lol) but excluding changing the status on FB and telling the world and their mamas, we're already in one. lol I don't think it was a conscious decision on either part, but I feel in my heart that he's mine. Anyway, doing this long distance and having to be away from him is the pits, but it'll pay off in the end if we do this right so I think getting through this rough patch is just a blessing in disguise. It gives time for God to work on us both and help us get all the normal beginner's relationship junk out of the way before we come together physically. I'm getting the feeling that I have said too much though, so I'll take the cue and move on.

Speaking of my Father lol, I have hit a roadbump spiritually, which is bothering me to no end. I have always attributed the reason why I recovered the last time to having Him in my life at a level I hadn't experienced before, but over the last few months His presence dropped steadily until I couldn't feel Him at all. Instead I felt dead inside. Last year was not good to me at all, and throughout the year the hope and happiness I felt coming into the year faded and turned into resentment, and anger, but both of those stemmed from hurt. At the beginning of last year, everything looked so promising, at least from my view. I'd gotten rid of the biggest weight I'd ever felt in my life and was finally starting to see I could be on my own, was even beginning to get used to it, I was entering a new level in God and I was thrilled about that, I had my family and a couple of good friends, I thought things were improving finally. Around the time I left my church in February, things weren't looking so rosy but I knew they'd probably get worse before they got better, so I put on a helmet and kept going. Around May or so the visions began to taper off, the realization that God wanted me to let dude go so He could bring me someone new was becoming apparent and I wasn't ready to let that go, things were starting to go down the drain financially, my family just.....hell, it felt like they'd lost their minds, school started to go down the tube, the "friends" I came in the year with started to show me some true colors and I began to grow angry at God. I knew my life was supposed to be going upward, so why did it feel like the exact opposite? What was He waiting on? It hurt me that I'd gone through so much in a short time and had nothing on the other end but a broken heart and a weary spirit. I didn't understand what was going on. When I didn't hear an answer for awhile, I got angry, because I'd been obedient and it felt like I was being left to handle it alone. I figured He instructed me to enter the situation, why wait til the grass is too thick to see through and then leave me? So I turned the other way and drowned in IMVU for awhile. At first it was okay; months went by and I can't really tell you much about what happened in real life because I made an effort to ignore that it was there, until something came along and made me realize what I was doing. And from that minute on, IMVU took its proper place, near the bottom of my priority list. Roleplay is still fun for me at times, but honestly, it has no place in my life on a long-term level. The drama is no longer exciting, the day to day is more of a drag, and I walk away from it stressed. I can't devote half my day to it anymore. In that time though, my heart healed and I can't complain about that at all. By the time this new one came along, my heart was okay. Regardless of that, I still wasn't feeling God anywhere and it bothered me immensely. I'm still attempting to find my way back where that's concerned but I'm positive I'll make some peace with it.

I took a hiatus from school in November when I started getting too stressed with it and wanted more time to do me. I originally intended to go back next month, but right now everything's not lining up how its supposed to with all that, so its up in the air. I miss school, but I'm not sure if I want to go back. It is the best school for my major and I love the lessons, but the instructors are more like mediators and the counselors aren't much better. They're negligent, some of them are rude for no reason, and they have a really hard time getting and keeping your records straight. So your funding could have been wrongly distributed for months and unless you are on it at all times and know what to do when you notice something is wrong, you end up having to pay for that mistake later when your balance is too far in the negative to attend class and they won't let you back until its been "resolved" (paid). In short, life seems to be upside down and judging by the attack I had last week, my body is obviously no longer ignoring that. Boo.

Intrusive Thoughts

2010-12-08T11:32:00.001-07:00

If you've had any deep experiences with anxiety and its many side effects, I'm sure by now you are familiar with intrusive thoughts. If you are not familiar with its name, let me explain it to you. Intrusive thoughts are those nagging thoughts that come out of nowhere and seem totally out of character for you to be thinking. Majority of the time, these thoughts are sexual in nature, but in a deviant or perversive kind of way, thoughts that would normally leave you disgusted if you'd heard them from someone else and disgusted with yourself if the thought ever came to mind. You can have other thoughts too, more commonly the ones where you feel as if you are going to lose control or you really are crazy and are just suppressing it, things like that. Are you on level with me now? Some are even sacrilegious (sp?) in nature, which can be especially traumatizing to those whose spirituality or religion are an important part of their lives. If you were familiar with the thoughts but weren't sure what was wrong and automatically believed that because you were capable of those thought processes that you were obviously capable of carrying them out as well, I am very very happy to tell you that you are wrong. Those, kiddos, are simply intrusive thoughts and not only are not true at all, but they are treatable and can be eliminated with some work.

I know when I first started this blog that I said I didn't know why I was still battling anxiety; it seemed pointless because I'd learned all I needed to know. I'd like to be the very first to admit that I was so very wrong about that. In the past two, almost three years that I have been writing this blog, I have learned more about my condition than in the past 8 that I've had the disorder to begin with. This has truly been an eye-opening time for me and I have been happy to share it with you all. Actually, this blog has opened alot of doors to the information I ended up learning, because I was so determined to find information that was free and worked, and I almost always ended up stumbling across something that I found profitable for myself as well. Sometimes I wouldn't have anything personal to contribute but I wanted to post, so I'd go looking for information or new sites that maybe I could pass along, and I always found not only a good topic for the blog but some information for myself that ended up helping me along the way. So I'd like to say that even if you've been battling this for as long as I have, its never ever too late to learn more about this condition. Now that anxiety has become a household name and disorder because so many people are affected by it, new things, new sites, resources and information pop up all the time. Please don't shut yourself off to it like I did by thinking you know all there is to know about anxiety. This disorder is finally starting to get some of the attention it has always deserved, even if its not getting taken as seriously as it should just yet. Ten years ago doctors were calling it a crazy person's disease, and now over 6 million Americans alone have been diagnosed with the disorder. That's not counting those who have not been formally diagnosed with it or one of the related disorders. That's progress, folks. Progress that we have waited a long time in the dark to make. With that said, always leave your mind and your ears open to finding out more about what we are going through, even if it doesn't apply to you personally. You may end up finding someone later in life who is right where you are now, just as scared as you were before. They'll need the informed opinion that we didn't have and you can give it to them. By then it is my hope that you'll be 100% healed and recovered and ready to be a help to another anxious body in need of some comfort and peace. Okay, sappy part of the blog done. lol

Back to topic...

Intrusive thoughts are a common side effect of anxiety, although it is less discussed than the others due to the nature of the thoughts. They cause shame, disgust, worry and more anxiety in the person because of what the thoughts are about, so it is not easy to open up and talk about them with your doctor or therapist; sometimes its hard just to admit the thoughts are there to oneself because they're so disgusting. No, having these thoughts does NOT mean that you will do them or that you even want to. It's tempting to give into that thought, but let's break that down. Child molesters, rapists, murderers, sodomists, even true insane people--they all have their own set of disturbing thoughts. The difference is, they aren't disgusted by them. There are some who say they commit the act to rid themselves of the thought, but the desire was already there in addition to said thoughts. Ours are very different. The thought in a general sense turns our stomachs. To put ourselves in the category that these thoughts would put us in has some of us ready for suicide to think that we'd be capable of such a thing or that these so-called hidden desires are finally coming to the surface. Not true at all. Its our reaction to them that should set us off immediately to the fact that those thoughts are not only unwelcomed, but untrue. However, the severity of the nature of said thoughts allows us to overlook it and focus just on what the thought is running through our head, not our reaction to it.

Notice how the thought or thoughts run through your head seemingly on repeat or like its on a LED monitor's scrollboard and the more you focus on it or give it attention the larger the thought grows and your anxiety grows with it at the concept that you are somehow this horrible person underneath everything else? That's how intrusive thoughts work. They repeat themselves and you begin to obsess over them, allowing the thought to grow larger and take root in your head. Then all the fears and worries come as a result, what if you really are like these thoughts you just had, what if you can't control yourself and you carry out these thoughts, will everyone see the person you really are because you have these thoughts, you start feeling like a fraud in front of others as a result, its a neverending chain of bad thoughts, fear and shame. Don't give into the shame and degradation that you'll feel; it only allows the thought to grow and take root in your mind. Here is what you do. Embrace it. I know you're like, what the hell? Why would I do that? That means I am accepting of these thoughts. No, you're not. You're not accepting that you are like these thoughts are suggesting, that you are going to do the things the thoughts are suggesting or even that you agree or particularly like these thoughts. It's obvious that because the thoughts are distressing you and causing you grief that you don't like or agree with them, so stop worrying. Remind yourself that if you were really inclined to such things, you wouldn't have any problem thinking about it. If you have a problem with it, that means its not something you want to do and it is therefore just an intrusive thought. I don't mean embrace the thought or the feeling that comes with it, I just mean embrace its presence. Acknowledge the thought, then start talking logic to yourself. Acknowledge that the thought is there, then leave it alone. Any further attention that you give it will allow it to grow, which will only cause you more distress at making the thought go away. Acknowledge the thought, speak logic to yourself, then find something productive to do and LET yourself become distracted by the activity. Fighting the thought being there will only allow it to remain because of the energy you're taking up to fight it being there in the first place. Let it stay, but don't give it any more attention than the initial "Okay, I know what you are" or you'll end up in the same spot again, anxious and overanalyzing your character, which is more distressing in itself. After awhile, you will be very pleasantly surprised to realize that the thought has gone away. I even tried beckoning the thought back after I was calm again just to see and realized the issue was so much more laughable when logic was the primary functioner in my mind as opposed to my anxious mind. Sometimes it'll go away after a few minutes, the more stubborn ones can take a little longer. Either way, it'll go away so don't be alarmed, and don't doubt yourself or your character. Don't let this beat you, guys. I can overcome intrusive thoughts and so can you.

Slipping backwards and hanging on by a thread.

2010-09-10T00:29:00.000-06:00

That's what it feels like I've been doing for awhile now. Just continually, gradually but continually nonetheless, slipping backwards and now hanging on by a thread. Bit by bit, the progress I thought I'd made mentally has either slipped or is slipping away.

For awhile I was very confident in God and the promises He'd made. But bit by bit, day by day, frustration mounted, discouragement increased and before I knew it faith had decreased before I was just mentally and spiritually numb...kinda dead inside from all of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think He's gonna just leave us out to dry in the cold, but as I watch my sanity slowly starting to get away from me I do begin to doubt. Not even gonna lie. I feel so trapped by all of this that I wonder if its possible to ever truly completely come back from it without a thought or a moment of nagging panic here and there. An irrational thought or fear every once and again. Is it possible to come back from where I've been, what I've had to go through, and not have those? Just finally be able to live my life free from mental issues? Some days I don't know anymore. Not because I feel God is not big enough to heal me from it, but because I don't know if its in His will to heal me from it. I'd like to think it is. I have so many dreams and hopes and goals.....and drowning in this is so scary, I don't know if I could live the rest of my life like this. I know I can't. It's too much.

I think its months of isolation, loneliness and stress catching up to me in a way; everything's been kind of spiraling lately. I've had this low-grade fever and stomachache for days now and that hasn't made resting any easier because now I'm back to suffocating when I do sleep. When I am awake my stomach is bothering me or the thoughts are back and bugging me, or I'm on the verge of panic or anger that is of epic proportions. I can't deal with all of it. Hopefully it'll be better once I can get some things with myself back on track. I'm hoping the nights don't become a problem again for me; one jag with all of it was enough.

I decided that if things at the Art Institute don't improve by November, I'm going to start transferring in December and start somewhere else in January. This gives me time to find a school I like and get all my records straight by the time the winter semester is over. The school is bugging me anyway. lol

I'm not sure what all is going on with me, I feel like everything's kinda swirling out of control. I just want it to get back on track. Two years ago I was going through this terrified because I didn't know what was going on with me and was scared of what could possibly happen. Now, I'm going through it terrified because I know exactly what is going on, remember everything I had to experience and am scared of what could happen now too. Catch-22 from hell. And here I was thinking that if I was put back in the situation it would be easier to handle. Boy was I wrong. Sigh.

I'm sooo soooo sorry

2010-08-21T20:03:00.000-06:00

I am eternally sorry I have not been on here in so long. For awhile, I was so caught up in whatever was going on that I didn't have much to say. Just to update you really quickly, this summer I've been doing some backsliding, which pisses me off to no end, but despite that I still see some changes that were not half bad. I've been learning more about assertiveness and how to be more upfront with what I need to say to people when I need to say. It's a good feeling, to stand up for yourself. It's something I've never been fantastic at, but when I relapsed two years ago it was like I lost the ability entirely, which was partly why it was so easy for dude to manipulate and bully me into not saying anything last year. I didn't know how to stand up to him, or stand up for myself anymore. Gaining it back hasn't been half bad. It's still not easy because as I said, I was never very good at standing up for myself, but one--I realize and am ok with the fact that some of the things I say are not going to make everyone happy; doesn't mean they may not need to be said; and two--I deserve the right to speak just like everyone else. Standing up for myself when someone's putting me down or being condescending or just difficult isn't wrong, after all its not wrong when they're doing it, right?

School is going terribly and alot of days I wake up wondering why I even decided to go back for this degree. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a challenge and I enjoy knowing that I earned what I have. However, challenge doesn't even begin to describe what I've had to go through at this school. The teachers hardly ever participate or encourage discussions amongst us students, they take forever to respond to personal emails, and forget about wasting the email if you need to ask them for help--they won't give it to you. I knew going into this math class that I was going to need some help and my instructor has provided little to none. I know he can see I am struggling in this class but has he handed me a life preserver? Nope. Has he even suggested how I can improve other than by going to the school's tutoring center, which is a failure in itself? Nope. I already knew by the end of the first week when I couldn't turn in anything and couldn't find alot of help that made sense that I was going to fail the class. I think my instructor knows it too but he's not doing a damn thing to help. I know the dynamics of college are different from high school and there isn't going to be an instructor over your shoulder reminding you to turn in your homework and offering to help you with stuff. You're an adult now, blah blah blah. That doesn't mean adults don't need help and it doesn't mean that the teacher's job ends with the initial instruction, something ELSE they don't do at this school. My finances are all jacked up and I haven't heard a peep from my finance instructor in over a month. I have no idea what's going on. It's week 5 in these current classes so I should be hearing from my academic counselor as well. Have I gotten a call? Nope. And the finance counselor never...and I do mean NEVER answers his phone and he's rotten at returning calls too. Ugh...I'm kinda ready to just be done with the school; problem is that I do like the curriculum and I do like what I'm learning...when I understand it. There aren't alot of online Hotel & Restaurant Mgmt. programs that are worth it, and I'm beginning to think that even though the lessons plans here are top notch, this school is not worth it either. So I'm kinda stuck on what to do. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot and not getting the help I think I should be getting with my lessons. So that's that.

A couple of months after my last entry, I heard from dude again. He came at our mutual friend yip yapping about how he had grown up and understands who I am now and wanted to talk to me. He knew I wasn't having it, so he had her guilt trip me into calling him. Well I get on the line and he's being the typical apologetic ex, "I respect and understand who you are now" "I saw the women over here and realized you were right for me" "I've never been happier than when I was with you," blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Usual mess. So I hear him out, but I didn't realize how much I'd been holding in, so I started to cry when I had to remember everything I went through with him because it was hurting so bad. I made the mistake the next day of letting my guard down and telling him I'd missed him in the 4 months, I didn't get the response I wanted back, needless to say. We texted each other a couple of times but I didn't hear from him again for a few days til he called and we spoke for maybe 5 minutes before he rushed me off the phone. I knew something was up, but I couldn't put my finger on it and in all technicalities, didn't have the right anymore to assume things anyhow. Long story short, I didn't hear from him for about 3 weeks, then when he called back he finally said he was 'busy.' I don't wanna know what he was busy doing and didn't really believe the story he gave. I spoke to him the next night, and he was still talking all that 'I love you' mess but I could tell that underneath it, he really hadn't changed. So I wasn't trying to hear it. Well guess what, he promises to call the next day and I haven't heard from him since. That was 3 months ago. My friend finally told me last month that he felt things were moving too fast and he wasn't ready yet. Ready for what, I have no idea. He was the one trying to rush me into visiting him, he was the one talking about I miss you, I love you, blah blah, not me. Not once did I even say how I was feeling or whatever, as a matter of fact I was barely talking at all. So if anyone was trying to rush things, it was definitely him. I saw some things I didn't want to see on his Facebook and I just started to realize the things I was going through by just having him in even a small part of my life, so I made the decision to cut things off for good. This fool thinks I'm just gonna sit around and wait for him? Please. He really doesn't know me. I've come to terms with alot of things where we were concerned and I think I needed that, so I can't say the whole thing was a bust from start to finish. I won't lie or romanticize it, most of it was hell and in retrospect I can see that for alot of the relationship, I was the unhappiest I'd ever been in a relationship. In general though it was a learning experience and I learned a hell of a lot about myself and what I will and won't do for the one I love. Love does not and should not ever equal loss of dignity, self-respect, pride, or sense of self. It should enhance those things. If it doesn't enhance at least one, it's not right because love shouldn't ever be demeaning and losing any or all of those four things is very demeaning. Anyway, I'm looking forward to when I meet the one who really is a man and not just wearing men's shoes trying to play ball with the major players. It's exciting to think that one day, all these lessons will be applied and all these tears will evaporate when I meet this person and if I do cry it will be from happiness, not pain. It's refreshing to think about. But what I know to be true is that God will give me someone who already knows what and who he is, what he wants, therefore having no reason to put that kind of pain on me. And I won't be putting that kind of pain on him, not to mention we can share an awesome bond by both of us having given ourselves over to Christ and building our ministries. I'm excited just thinking about it.

8-21-2010
First off, Happy Birthday to my stepdad. lol Secondly, not long after I wrote that, actually just a week or so ago, dude called. Again. I answered but was getting ready to take a nap, so he said he'd call later. I missed the call the next day and didn't bother calling back. I asked our friend why he was calling; he'd told her the same ol bull. "I miss her." Notice he only misses and calls me when its convenient. I don't have time for that mess anymore. I just don't. He called yesterday but I didn't hear the phone so I texted him later. He said he just wanted to talk. I was thinking "Really??? After 3 months you call me like nothing's wrong because you just wanted to talk??!" I was livid, but I asked him what is there to talk about. This fool goes all victim like I attacked him and says "Dang Amanda I can't just wanna talk" I was ready to be a jackass and say hell no lol but maturity won out (somewhat) and I just said 'I never said you couldn't' at which point he gave me some small talk, I barely answered and that was that. He called our friend and said I must have been really pissed at him since he could tell I didn't feel like talking to him. And he's right, I am still upset with him and realized that I didn't feel like talking to him, didn't even want to know how he was doing and didn't ask, but more so I was just thrown off. For months, I imagined what I'd say to him if I had the chance to get some things off my chest, and now that I have been confronted with the opportunity in a way I'm not ready to do it. I'm not sure why; its not like I'm afraid to not have him in my life anymore, that concern was gone months ago. I think I'm just not ready to open that box further and let him know what I need to tell him. I'm not entirely sure why I'm putting it off. But God either brought this opportunity back for me to confront it and eliminate it before He brings me something else, or it was the enemy just trying to throw me off track, which does seem likely since dude still has a bit of a pull on my emotions. And a few months ago, he definitely would have thrown me off track. Now though, I'm just trying to understand what is at play here so that I can have the correct response and not let my emotions dictate what I do. In my book, especially with dude, that's growth. But you know what, who cares about all that. I have awesome news.

I was able to walk with my brothers and sister up to my brother's school yesterday!! :-) Awesome, right?? I wanted all 5 of us to go but one of my brother's knees was bothering him so he didn't go. The other 3 and I went to the school to find out my youngest brother's teacher, and I was fine! As a matter of fact, my walking up there with them was my idea......shocker right? My mom's fibro was bothering her so she didn't feel like making the walk, and that was when I suggested that us kids walk up there instead so she could rest for a day without walking. The school's only down the street, but its been 4 years since I was able to walk to the school, especially without my mom or being on the phone with her or anything. I was nervous as hell and almost backed out at first, but my mom walked with me a couple of houses and gave me a pep talk, then we were off. We weren't walking fast or anything, just kinda moseying along I guess, and before I knew it we were at the school, so I called my mom and told her I made it, then when we got back a few minutes later I realized hey---I did it!! It felt so natural, like I'd never stopped walking with them, which is good because I think I would have chickened out if I'd realized immediately the magnitude of what I was doing before I'd gotten home. It felt great. It was tiring, but for once in a long time, it was a welcome feeling.

I've been wearing my Natural hair a bit more lately too; the original reason was because the van wasn't working so I didn't have a ride down to the hair store lol and even if I had one I wasn't going anywhere so the money would have been wasted. I started taking care of my hair a little more, and I'm a little comfortable with wearing it again. I've also cut back on my sodas; I've been drinking more Capri-Suns and remembering why that was my favorite drink when I was a kid. lol On Sundays, I don't drink any soda at all and eventually I'm going to cut back to drinking nothing but water on Sundays. I figured it was time to show my dedication to God since I can't fast like others in my prayer group and that seems to be the biggest thing I have in my arsenal. I still maintain that I won't give up my soda til I'm good and ready and I'm tired of people pressuring me into doing it, but you know what, I don't have to and God doesn't expect me to. I made this decision to be spiteful then realized I liked it. So I'll keep it up until I want to stop, and when I do stop, I won't be guilted or pressured back into doing it. God knows I'm dedicated whether I'm drinking soda 6 days a week or 7; I have nothing left to prove to man. That's how I see it.

Anyway, how are all of you doing in your journey with anxiety? I hope you are all making some improvements and learning some coping strategies of your own, or hopefully able to use something that I gave in one of my blogs. Remember if you have any helpful links or websites to share, post them in the comments section or email me! God bless and stay safe!

My new IMVU Coupon Code

2010-02-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

Help a girl on IMVU with no credits, will ya? Here's my coupon code. If you're an IMVU user, use the following coupon code when making your purchases and I'll be able to get 1000 credits from it. 1000 credits that I could really use. Really. Thanks. :)

7KP3VN6WFG

Merry freakin Christmas.

2009-12-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

I gotta say, since the last time I wrote things haven't gone so well. My mom's back in the hospital, she's been there since last Wednesday. Funny that it was only 5 days ago but yeah....she spent Christmas in a cold hospital bed by herself. It makes me sad to think about it; she must have been so lonely and depressed. We kept her on the phone and sent pictures and went to see her Christmas Day but of course that doesn't replace actually being there, in your own home, with your family experiencing the holiday for yourself. So far, the doctor's not saying she'll be home for New Years,' but we're hopeful and praying that she gets to come home before then.

My lifeline is broken! Major :-(. I don't know how, but somehow last Monday I ended up accidentally bumping my laptop off my bed and onto the floor and it fell right onto the hard disk. So all of last week, I was either barely online or not on at all cuz my other laptop is too ridiculous for long periods of usage. lol Finally yesterday, a reverend from my church lent me his backup laptop and another reverend is looking at mine to see if he can fix it and tell me what's going on with it. I hope it's nothing to where the whole computer is dunzo, cuz that would eternally suck. My vouchers from school don't even begin to cover laptop or expensive school materials, and the refunds left over from my loans and grants wouldn't cover the cost of a new laptop and accessories even if I saved three of the checks put together. So if that were to be the case, I'd basically be screwed. That's been weighing on my brain. I looked at some computers down at a local rent-to-own company, but the problem with that is for some reason, none of those laptops have a very large memory and I don't have enough money for an external hard drive. So boo to that.

Haven't talked to dude since the last time I told you I spoke to him, a few weeks ago. And finally, that's okay with me. I don't mind and I don't think about him all the time anymore. Actually, I barely think about him at all. There's too much of other things going on for me to waste my time still going over a relationship that was over long before it got a chance to start. It won't change anything and won't do anything but upset me and I already have a couple of wonderful sources to contact if I want anger. lol I've thought myself to death on the issue anyway. So he's not on my mind as often as he was and you know what? That's okay. I don't find myself wishing we were back together anymore, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I don't even mind that we're not friends. I'd be happy if I never heard anything else about or from him except that he was alive and well. That's really all I need to know. I don't wish to have him back in my life, at least not right now, and that's finally okay with me. I don't care if he thinks about me or misses me like I used to, not only because it's pointless and I'll probably never get the answer I want, but because even if he thought about me all the time and was miserable without me (neither of which I think is the case here), it wouldn't change what happened between us then and it wouldn't change how I feel now, either. So why bother going around Robin Hood's barn thinking about something I could never get a good answer to, if I got an answer at all. I also thought I'd be miserable being single again but I'm not. Don't get me wrong, it still stinks and it's not the most favorable situation in the world, but compared to being miserable and tense because I was in a relationship that wasn't working, I'll take being single with a touch of sad any day. I don't want anyone else, but I don't want him anymore either. I love him for loving me at one time, but that's as far as it goes. I like where my life is going in some ways, and I like the direction that those things were going. I'd like to focus on those before I worry about getting into another relationship or stressing because a previous one failed.

I got offered a job at my church! The official job title would be church receptionist; I'd only be working part-time and it goes right along with my hours since I'm sleeping at night again.....by the way...YAY!!! I've been sleeping at night since early last week and I absolutely love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Let's just hope it sticks. Anyway, my pastor offered me the job a couple of weeks ago but the problem is, if I take it I have to report it to Social Security and it could affect my monthly benefits. Not cool. So I spoke to a leader in the church and he said he'd try to find a way to still let me have the job on the terms we decided upon without it affecting my benefits. I was so excited about taking the job; the hours are great, I like being at the church, the kids will be in school during my work hours so it also gives my mom some time to herself, it helps me take that next step to independence, and I'm doing things that I like to do so it's not like I'd hate going. I think this is a great next step for me to take. The issue I have is that as I gain my independence back, I will lose my benefits. So I end up kinda scared to get better because it means I lose something in the process. The problem is that I want to get better. But with things like anxiety, you can be totally independent one day and relapse to a point of total dependence the very next day. It varies. I don't want to get better, lose my benefits then all of a sudden relapse and have to start the process all over. But God knows where my life needs to go and what needs to be done at this point in my life, so I'm going to give this to Him and let Him guide my steps. If it's meant for me to have this job, He knows the situation I need to have in order to best help my family and I trust that He will give it to me.

Despite my small issues and the problem going on with my mom's health, I honestly feel like my life could take a positive change for the better and I'm ready for it. I'm not too sure of what the future holds as nothing is set in stone, but that's okay with me, which is weird for someone who likes to know the future, have the plans to get there and doesn't jump into change. So good riddance to 2009, bring on 2010! Happy New Year to everyone; be safe, be blessed and take care!

Christmastime Blues

2009-12-24T18:37:00.001-07:00

This Christmas isn't gonna be so great, I hate to admit. My mom's back in the hospital, I'm writing to you from my bonk first computer since I was a klutz and messed up the hard drive in my newer laptop by dropping it earlier this week, there's no money to do anything, I can't go anywhere, and I'm trying my absolute hardest not to panic. We're hoping Mom will be home sometime this weekend but with blood clots, you can never really tell. It's just been one rotten thing after another. I'm so burnt out on the events that have taken place in my life over the past two months that it's insane. It's like I can't find my footing. Despite what folks from church tell me, I seem to be slipping into this vortex of a black hole that has become my life. No matter what people tell me to do, no matter what people say to me, no matter how they perceive situations that I find myself in, every time I think I get a handle on something, yet another thing seems to come along and knock me back down. It's almost maddening. It really brings a feeling of helplessness when you have to watch your life happening to you and not all of it is good or fun and you can't do anything about it. It sucks.

I haven't panicked throughout any of this, but I've had this.....full feeling, kinda like I'm full of unspent energy or anxiety and I need to let it out. I'd really rather not though, if you want the truth. lol I'm kinda feeling like I'm in this on my own. The kids aren't helping, I haven't heard anything from my "family," I dunno....I'm just feeling alone. I'm worried about my mom and sad that she has to spend her Christmas in a hospital bed with strangers, away from a warm home and good food and family. I think it's rotten. I think it's even more rotten that instead of receiving support and well-wishes from those who are supposed to be near and dear to us, I'm getting implications that she's in this situation because of something she did wrong. It's such crap and it's really unfair to her. I hate when people do this to my mom, especially when she's not even in a position to defend herself. It's a cowardly stance to take, if you ask me....but the truth of it is, I've had to defend my mom my whole life. For some reason, people feel that they can just rag on her to me and it's supposed to be okay. It isn't. My mom's not a bad person and her health problems are not something she brought on herself. I really wish people would stop trying to bring her down with their false assumptions, biased opinions and general bullshit. Seriously.

As for me, I'm just exhausted. I don't know how to pretend I want to spend this holiday without my mom, with these begging kids in my face not helping me do anything, and that nothing is wrong when I'm really sad she's not gonna be here, I'm irritated that they keep trying to get whatever they want because it's Christmas and are perfectly fine with letting me do everything and they don't even know what I'm going through, and I'm so lonely and depressed that I can't fix the situation that I could pop.

So things have changed.....

2009-12-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hi all! I don't have alot to say today, so this won't be too long but I did want to come check in since I haven't written anything in a couple of weeks. Dude and I are not together anymore, and while I love him to death, I am extremely glad it's over. Without going into detail, the arguing and my unhappiness was becoming too much to handle and the stress he had and his lack of desire to learn was getting to be too much for him, so he would take his frustrations out on me. He never felt he was doing that, but what guy does? It really was like a rollercoaster, which further solidifies why I hate them so. One day we were okay and I had the impression that things could work out, and the next they'd be so bad I found myself hating the decision I made to talk to him in the first place. He was stressing me out, distracting me from my homework and generally just giving me a headache. I felt things start to slip because of him and without him in my life, I know I will be of better mind to get them back on track. He needs to handle himself and as much as I'd like to help him, not only will he not allow me to, but he needs to do this on his own. I need to worry about me. I know that might sound selfish, but worrying about him at this stage in my recovery ended up setting me back. I can't let that happen again, especially for someone who doesn't even appreciate the gesture. So that's over and I can't say I'm too broken up about it anymore. I know God has better plans in store for me. He may come back, he may not. Later on down the line, we may work things out and stay together, or I may never see him again. In any case, this was the best decision for me to make; I'm confident in that knowledge now, especially after the way he's acted the last couple of weeks. I didn't need any of the garbage he was tossing my way. So I threw it out. :-)

Physically, it's been a bit harder to get back on track. My sleeping pattern is transitioning, so I've been really tired and you already know, the more fatigued and less rested you are, the more you're prone to panic. Anxiety thrives on instability. So the next couple of days and the last few have been kinda rough. Alot of that is stress-related but I've been on edge from lack of sleep and an instable pattern, so all the better that a major source of stress is out of my life. I didn't know how to handle them both and I was starting to crack. So, one down and one to go. My stomach is giving me mad problems lately, I'm gonna have to schedule another doctor's appt. and another blood test to make sure that nothing's wrong.

Mentally, I've just been racing. My final day of class is tomorrow, so I finally get some time to do what I want and not have to worry about school. I have to admit, I've been back in school for four months now but it feels like I haven't been out of school at all. I had the summer off but it feels like I never took a break. It must be hard cramming 18 weeks of work into 9 weeks for an Associate's program, but stuffing it more to fit 5 1/2 weeks must be even harder, and learning it is even worse. I'm more than ready for a break, so I'm glad my last day of class is tomorrow. I'll get to recharge and come back next semester with my head on straight and ready to focus on what's important.

Oh yeah!! Remember how I've mentioned from time to time that I've been having some crazy thoughts and doubts about everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING), couldn't get them out of my head, most of which were so bad they were unmentionable, even to myself? I finally figured out what they were, I did some research the other morning and found out that it's completely normal for folks, they're simply intrusive thoughts. They're more common in people with OCD, which as some of you know, is a disorder that can develop as a result of leaving anxiety untreated and unchecked. The anxiety is what allowed the obsessive patterns and thoughts to begin, but the OCD part of it is what allows it to repeat like a marquee in your head. It's normal and like anxiety and many other mental disorders, can be treated with CBT. (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) That made me feel eons better, cuz I'll tell ya, some of those thoughts were so off the wall I started wondering how crazy I really was. Even though I don't have any recovery tips for that yet since I just figured it out myself, I feel better knowing that it has a name, those thoughts are completely caused by the disorder, which means not only are they not true, but they can be treated and eventually cured. But sometimes knowing what you have makes it a little easier to deal with, because it's like you have one piece of the puzzle and it's no longer this stranger that you can't identify. It has a name, which means someone had this before me, which means there's a chance that this isn't permanent, which means I may be able to live my life again. The knowledge that this isn't so uncommon to where it doesn't have a name is enough to calm me down sometimes, because yeah it's partly the thoughts that scare me, but it's also that I don't know why I have them or where they came from. If I know why I have them or where they came from, it's alot easier for me to calm down because I know that it can be fixed. Answers, even small ones, can do wonders sometimes. So now when I get those thoughts, I can fight them back by the knowledge that I don't really feel that way and it's just another intrusive thought. That's another reason I encourage all of you to go do your research on what you have instead of waiting for the therapist to tell you---granted, your own research in many cases should not be substituted for that of a qualified professional who diagnoses for a living, but if you figure out what's going on with you like myself and so many others, you may be able to start the healing process all on your own. And that's a great feeling too.

The year has passed by so fast, I've barely had time to reflect on it. I'm not sure I want to though---in some ways, this has been a really good year in the sense that I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery and been able to do alot of things I never thought I'd have the privilege to do again. I thought I'd always be in the panic box. But I have left it for the most part this year, and it's scary as hell but I'm trying not to look back. I've learned with this that because it's so easy to slip backwards, either you don't look back at all, or you look back as long as it's only a glance and you don't dwell or overstay your visit. Look back at your past but don't dwell there. So while it's nice to look back on the year and see the improvements I've made, at the same time it's hard to look back because it means I've struggled with this for yet another year. Another year that I couldn't do everything I wanted passed me right by. It can get depressing--yet another reason why you look back on the year but don't focus. God has brought me through alot this year and I'm positive that the improvements will continue. So here's to a better 2010. In case I don't get on again, Merry Xmas, Happy New Year and God Bless all of you and your families!

I've Got a Few Updates....

2009-12-03T05:28:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been on to write in a few days. It's been pretty busy around here lately, and I've had alot of work to do so I haven't had the time to come and spill my guts just yet. I don't have alot of time now as I've got a big deadline to meet by Monday and starting a challenging week of school--we're coming up with menus and recipes this week. It's exciting, but it's tough work when you have never done either one. There's alot of work this time around so I don't have much of it to waste procrastinating, which as you know, is usually what I'm doing when I get on here and write for hours. lol Everything seems to be coming at me at once, especially since this is my fourth week of class, birthdays are coming up, I still need to do my things on here for you guys and keep you all updated, and who can forget about the holiday season itself---its stressful! I'm also the co-owner of a group on a virtual reality site and we've got some big deadlines coming up; that's the big Monday deadline.

Problem is, most of my homework falls into that bracket as well, right along with panicking, church, sleep, procrastinating and the like. So I guess its time to prioritize and stick to what I really need to do when it's time to do it, huh? I mean, don't get me wrong--I like having something to do, I like putting my energies somewhere and feeling like I'm accomplishing something. My procrastinating and the fact that I'm easily and often distracted gets in the way, but when it's finally done and I can move on to something else, it feels good. When I have things to do and things on my plate, it's a good feeling. It beats the feeling I had last year, when I had nothing to do, nothing to say and nobody to say it to. I can deal with this, I just have to learn how to budget my time, properly prioritize and stop putting things off. If I can do those things, I'll be just peachy.

Anyway, personally I guess I'm not doing so great; I mean I'm eating a little again but my stomach is acting up so much I end up panicking afterward every time so I can't even enjoy being full anymore, I don't even remember what being 'full' is like anymore I eat so little. My sleeping has completely switched on me again, I can't tell you how frustrating that is and how it really throws off my day. I am panicking or in some state of panic most of the time, especially at night as you all already know, which is another reason why actually having something to do with my night isn't so bad. It beats watching bad tv and wondering how I'm gonna get through the night alone without losing my mind. Me and dude aren't doing so well, but that's life I guess. I'm making the term 'pushover' into an art form though, I'll say that. Draw your own conclusions, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I had to face an area of life that gives me problems the other afternoon, I had to go to a funeral of a close family friend. It was hard but it didn't hit me until I got to the cemetery, which is also the same one my grandma is at. The reality of it and future events that I wouldn't see him at just slapped me in the face. It didn't hit me as hard as my brother, who broke down when he got to the casket and it dawned on him too that he really wasn't coming back. I've known this man since I was 2 and things that all of us did together gave me some of my best and fondest childhood memories. I will always treasure that and his love for life, his desire to always have a good time and not take life too seriously. I don't like that we fell out of contact over the years after a falling out between the families and the next time we saw him, he'd already been diagnosed with cancer. He was a fighter and he hung in there for years after his diagnosis. I saw him for the last time about a day and a half before he passed on, and even then he kept his sense of humor about things and just wanted to see everyone one last time. It gave me closure because I knew he was ready to go and was just enjoying the time he had left, I saw that in his eyes. And because he was ready and made his peace with his fate, I did too. I also learned a lesson and came to a big decision about my own life, and even though it came in the face of a tragedy, I'll take them with me anyway because that's what he would have wanted, not me crying over something I can't control. I love you, Nemo. Thanks for all the memories. You'll always have a place in my heart. A bit of my childhood is gone with you and I miss you already. Thanks for loving us. R.I.P.

I still haven't made my peace with death or grief yet, but I think I will at some point. When it gets down to it, what other choice do you have? I'll admit, I briefly considered going back in my little bubble where I was alone because it meant I wasn't getting close to anyone, which meant I wouldn't have to deal with grief or death. Problem is, it's a part of life and I'd do better to accept it sooner rather than later. I'd love to pretend I don't know that, but that'd just be doing myself a disservice and I'm already trying to recover from enough of those and get over my problems with dishonesty. I can't deal with others lying to me, I can't turn around and do that to myself. I always thought that was the worst kind of lie to tell, a lie to yourself. When its someone else, they can always decide whether or not to take your word for it. But when you're lying to someone else, the truth is always screaming out in your head. You always know how you really feel about someone and the truth is always blasting in your mind while your mouth can be speaking the very opposite. But when that lie is to yourself, there's nobody to blame for the lie, there's nobody to come and correct the situation, it's all on you. And you already know what the situation really is so the lie is redundant and only done to make yourself feel better about something you probably already know you should or shouldn't be doing so you tell the lie to absolve yourself of guilt or any other bad feelings. But you know it's a lie when you're doing it most times because you already know the truth and just aren't ready or don't want to deal with it. Once you get started believing your own lies, it's hard to break the habit. That's why I think it's the worst kind of lie to tell.

Anyway, I wasn't going to lie and say that being in a bubble keeps you from hurt. It keeps you from everything and everyone and that hurts a hell of a lot more. I know that from experience and the thought of going back there instead of putting my big girl britches on and dealing with my emotions shouldn't have even crossed my mind. But I was looking for an escape and I knew it, that's why I didn't give the thought any real consideration. Besides that, I'm too far out to go back now. I don't know how to consciously decide to go back to that. Which is proof to me that it's not where I need to be. Life is full of emotions, and many of those can be hard or painful. I have to learn that and how to deal with it if I expect to learn to live my life free of anxiety. If I don't and I choose to run, I know it puts me at risk to be at the bottom again. I've worked my ass off this year. I'm not gonna risk it. Especially right now; even though things don't sound so great personally I feel like something internally is in transition, like things are changing or God is getting me ready for the next chapter. It feels like a good change though. And you know what? I'm ready for it this time. So I don't want to risk it by going back into a bubble where I'm not moving here or there, forward or backward. And neither should you. I know it's scary when you're in the trenches and that affects your desire to move forward, but think about what you're gonna feel like and what you're gonna do when you come out the other side. Despite the fact that most of the time I feel like this has ruined my life and you probably do too, I'm not letting go of what I want and I know that in some ways, this also helped me to grow and I'm going to come out of this so much smarter and more understanding with the ways of the world and how I fit into it. I hope the same and better for you.

Hmm....I said before I started writing that this was gonna be a short post; say what I gotta say about the site and go; I have alot of work to do. Guess I still needed to get some things off my chest. Thanks for listening. The real reason I came on tonight was just to tell you that I'm getting a clearer idea of the network I want to open for folks like us and to let you all know I found some links that would be helpful, either for those who are just learning about this and even for those like me who didn't know why in some situations anxiety may be worse. I'll be back later to post those. I'm really excited to tell you all about everything I want to do for this network, but I gotta get details and stuff together before I do that. I hope all is well in your lives and you're making the steps you have to make to put this chapter behind you; life is beautiful and if caged birds can sing, we can live. Corny I know, but its true. Let's live in beauty, strength and recovery, not fear, doubt and anxiety.

The Importance of Your Support System

2009-11-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

I cannot stress to you enough the importance of having a support system when you're trying to recover from anxiety. If you are new to this disorder and are still trying to find your way, one of the best pieces of advice I think I'm capable of giving at this stage in my own recovery is to find a support system and cling on to it for all its worth. Whether its a group of friends, a church group, your relatives, or a mix of people who may or may not all know each other, find people in your life that are accepting of your condition and reach out to them. Learn not to always lean on yourself and lean on others. During this time it is going to be something that you will treasure. I'll tell you the truth, when you begin the long road to recovery, you will slip. You will fall. But if you have the right support system, you will get back up. You will keep going. And ultimately, you can and will recover. But it is going to get worse before it gets better, I can promise that. When it is at its worst is when you can either learn the most or hurt the most. Please, PLEASE choose to learn. It's when I decided to learn and it's helped me in leaps and bounds on the road I've taken since then. It is almost impossible to recover without anyone by your side, even if they can't do anything but let you know that you're going to be ok and give you the reassurance that you need. Those of you with established support systems already know how much that means when the chips are down and you can't calm yourself. Support systems are and should be an encouragement and inspiration to you not to give up and to keep trying.

However, those of you with established support systems also know that not just anyone can come in and immediately become part of your support system. I don't mean that to sound like this is a VIP thing or that only certain people are good enough, because that's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that not everyone is right for it---some people are more negative than positive but disguise it as being 'realistic' and that's not what you need at this time. Yes, you need the reality of situations and you need to acknowledge the good and bad parts, but primarily you should be focusing on the good, which is your recovery and your ability to beat this disorder in its entirety. Not everyone can focus on the good, for whatever reasons they may have and that's ok. It's just not what you need, unless you can handle it without it breaking your stride. That's entirely up to you and how you choose to handle situations.

I'm not saying that the way I am explaining this will work for everyone; motivation and inspiration doesn't always come from seeing the positive. But in my experience and for what helps push me to keep going, I draw my strength from the positive. When I draw it from the negative, it pushes me until I'm no longer angry or I realize I have detached emotionally from the situation and then I run out of steam because the emotion that initially prompted me to move is no longer as strong as it was. The positive in some cases will always be there, and that means you always have something to draw from that can't and won't hurt you. Getting strength from the negative is basically getting strength from something that hurts. And you don't want to recover and look back on this time and realize you only got better because you were hurt, because in a way that's like saying you got better to spite someone else or to prove them wrong. The latter is okay in some ways, but don't let that be your primary driving force. I can assure you it doesn't taste as sweet when you realize this success is based off of or drawn from something negative. It doesn't leave you with anything positive to look back on so that you can help someone else in the same situation later. And you don't want to motivate someone else by telling them to look at the negatives and who's against them--what can that teach them?? Nothing. What did it teach you? Yes, you got better and that is amazing, kudos to you for it, but what did you learn about people and leaning on others and the importance of positivity in your life? Nothing.

Back to what I was saying earlier. Sometimes you may be up at night panicking and you need someone to call. We all know that after a certain time of the night, not everyone is going to be so understanding if you call them, flipping out. And that's ok. Not everyone is going to or supposed to be understanding. But those who you consider to be your support system need to be understanding. It's almost a requirement because with that understanding comes your comfort, and you need that too. If you're not comfortable with the people you have chosen to help you through this journey, how can you learn or expect to be comfortable with those outside of it? So make sure your support system consists of people you know you can call during those late night panic attacks. If you're like me and you worry about disturbing their sleep, this will also be a time to not only test their commitment to your recovery, but it will also allow you to learn how to lean on yourself as well. I know I said earlier that you need to learn to lean on others for help, but you also have to maintain the ability to depend on yourself. Remember this is a recovery and after you have fully beaten this, you'll be back to dealing with regular issues. You need to learn how to be your own person and not always rely on the help of others, but you also have to know when it's okay to reach out your hand for help. If your support system is what is should be, their hand will already be extended to pull you up to safety. :-)

So I came up with a list for my support system. These are the things that I am looking for in my support, things that I feel would assist me the most in beating this. Feel free to come up with your own--this will teach you what you are looking for, help you to see why you are looking for it, and how it will help you recover. I am not saying this particular list is for everyone so don't immediately think that just because I said this that you have to have the same kind of list; this is just what works for me personally. What helps me may not help you and that is going to be very important to keep in mind. Your recovery is also about relearning your options and how to use them. My list can help you along, but it's important that you also come up with something that works for you.

My support system first and foremost has to be accepting and able to withhold judgment. During anxiety attacks, I can't worry that if I go to someone for help that they're judging the way I look during an attack. And no, I don't mean appearance as in clothing or makeup or the like. But I know that I tend to act weird or shifty during an attack and if we're out in public, that brings quite a bit of unwanted attention, which makes me more self-conscious about these things than I already am, which increases my desire to fight them out and hide them from everyone else, which as we already know, makes things worse. If I am having an attack in private and I know that the person or people I am around at the time will not look at me any differently for how I look during the attack and how it differs from the norm, my comfort level around them increases dramatically and I can either have the full-on attack or I don't have the desire to fight it back as much, which surprisingly helps me get over it faster. Sometimes trying to hide it makes it worse, but when you attempt to let it come out and play, you can get it over with because you're not worrying about having the attack then trying to hide it on top of that.

Secondly, my support system needs to be encouraging. When I'm feeling down, and that is quite often, I know I can go to someone in my support system to help me to not be negative about my condition and show me that despite the hard time I have had, ultimately my story will benefit someone else and the lessons I have learned are going to be a blessing to someone down the road. When I feel like giving up, the support system jumps in and helps me stay afloat and away from the negativity that all too often threatens to overwhelm me. They remind me of the good things in my life and everything I have or will have to fight for. They help to keep my thoughts away from the bad, towards the good, and on the mindset that even though this disorder is going to be hard to conquer, it's not impossible and I have the strength to do it. I don't always believe that, but them telling me that encourages me to fight, which shows me that I do have that strength. They make me use it when I think I've used it all already.

I can't talk about having support systems without mentioning the obvious, the people in your support circle must be supportive!! They have to acknowledge that you will have your bad days with this and the ones who aren't in it for you will remind you of this later when they need something from you, while the ones who are will accept the days you may need them more than others and keep going, because they understand that not every day is going to be easy for you or them. They have to be able to let you know when you are trying to take on too much, which can happen in separate occasions--you've had a string of good days and due to the confidence you gained, you decide to take on something that is either alot of pressure or that you're probably not ready for yet, or you get fed up and decide that you're going to just do everything the way you used to without trying to ease yourself into it. Yes, sometimes the 'head first' approach works, but other times it does not and it could and often does backfire. This is a long, often slow, definitely frustrating process but in learning that, you learn patience and the importance of doing something gradually and re-establishing comfort zones to something normal and not something done from an irrational fear. It can be tempting to try to jump head first into your 'old' life when you have had a string of good days or even good weeks, but it is important not to overload yourself too soon or it can backfire and you will fall backwards, sometimes worse than it was the first time you relapsed. I learned this one the hard way. It's okay to go gradually; don't let the fast-paced demeanor of everyone else rush you into this faster than you should go. Your support system should be supportive of how you're going about reclaiming your life and of the good strides you have made, and not reminding you of the times you needed them more. Even when it is a tad frustrating for them and you (and at some point, it will be more for you than them), they should still be supportive of your plans after recovery and the things you are doing to get from where you are now to where you want to be. You can tell the difference between when someone is talking you out of doing something because they care about your welfare and when they are doing it to be negative but disguising it as looking out for you. Be alert of that, but if they are part of your support system, you should already be able to tell the difference.

My support system has to have some level of faith or confidence in me and my abilities. For me, this is one of the most important, if not the most important one, to have. If you don't have faith that I can get better and you're not confident that I will try hard enough or do what I need to do, how can you possibly encourage me from your heart? Exactly--you can't. And I don't need to be lied to, especially not at this time. I need you to be in this for me, with my best intentions at heart. You cannot genuinely encourage me to beat this if deep down, you don't believe that I can. I learned the hard way the other morning that someone close to me didn't have this and I didn't know it, which is what prompted me to write this blog. Many times when we are looking down the road to recovery, we don't have the faith and confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do this. The saying 'if you don't love yourself/have faith and confidence in yourself, you can't expect anyone else to either' is true in a way, but at the same time, realizing that others have it for you or see potential in you when you do not can motivate you to get better so that you can start using whatever it is that they seem to see in you. I didn't and still don't have alot of faith or confidence in myself or my abilities, but hearing that my mom or someone else in my support system does makes me feel 10x better and it gives me the courage to at least try a little. If they see this in me, how can I waste it by not trying to help myself? Along the way as I re-learn to do these things and I rack up more successes than failures, my faith and confidence starts to grow because I leaned on theirs to take that first step and now look at me. You see what I am saying? If those closest to me do not even believe that I can beat this, there is no way I can lean on them for support because of course they're not gonna tell me, "I don't think you can recover." They're going to tell me the 'right things' because they know its the right thing to do, but it won't be from their heart and that does not make it possible to believe them and it's not something I want to have while I'm trying to get better. It's like trying to build the foundation of a house with bricks but no cement. Nothing's binding the bricks together so it is always possible that the house will collapse. It makes no sense to keep building if the bottom is slipping, does it? Neither does trying to recover and leaning on words with no weight to them, which is exactly what you'll be doing if your support system has no faith or confidence in your ability to get better. Not only is that bad, but it also encourages you to backslide, especially if you don't have those two things yet. This person close to you doesn't have those two things? It encourages you to worry about yourself as a person and you end up backsliding because if this person doesn't believe in you and they're close to you, there must be no reason to try. That's not true and don't buy into that belief because I can guarantee, you will fall because of it. And unlike other falls where your support system can pick you up and you can keep going, if you fall into that belief you're not going to believe what anyone else says because it is so ingrained on your mind that someone you love does not agree with them, so you continue to wallow in that. The longer it takes for you to get up, the harder it will be to start going again. Don't allow yourself to backslide over that. Just make sure you surround yourself with people who feel good about you and the direction your life is supposed to take and then take that first step to getting better.

The last two points I can combine into one paragraph because I see this is getting a tad lengthy. Big shocker there, huh? My support system needs to help reacquaint me with the world and not blame me for the situations my condition may cause. It is important for the 'circle' to encourage your recovery, but they can also assist in getting you one step closer to it instead of letting you grow stagnant at the same level of recovery. Allow them to expose you gradually to normal situations instead of always shooting them down and assuming you can't do it. That's one thing that separates recovery from being stagnant---taking those small steps, which become big steps later. The support system should encourage you in the moments where you are stagnant, and then try to get you back out there, but slowly and only doing small things at one time, not big situations that you may fall in if its too early. Remember, I am speaking from a perspective where everything was lost and I had to gain everything back. It may not be this low of a level for you, or it may be lower than mine. Only you know that; just try to apply this to your own life. Secondly, I am aware that it was hard for my family to understand why for years I could not go to recitals and plays and award ceremonies and dinners out. It was hard for friends to comprehend why I couldn't go to bars with them, or to parties or weddings or just out to lunch for a quick bite. It was hard for boyfriends to realize why I couldn't go out on dates with them, or even go over to their house just so we weren't always at my house. I knew that and that always made it worse for me, especially when their frustration over that was taken out on me and I was blamed for why I couldn't go. My brothers and sister used to get angry at me for not being able to go, my mom would get frustrated that accommodations usually had to be made for me, friends who didn't understand thought I was bailing on them and stopped talking to me, boyfriends got mad and thought I was just being difficult. If people are in my support system, they have to understand that there are going to be times where I can't go or that sometimes accommodations are going to have to be made if they really want me there. And if they're really in it for me, they won't be frustrated and if they are they realize it's not my fault and don't take that anger out on me. In addition to all I am going through, I don't need blame that I can't control on my shoulders as well. And neither do you.

In case you can't tell by now, that last one is very important for me to have in my own support system and I think it should be equally important for yours. However, there is one important thing I need you to remember. Yes, your support system should be dedicated and willing to help you get through this. But, they have their own lives too and you have to let them live them. Say you're at home panicking and someone you would usually call is out at a party but told you that you can call them anytime. It's okay to call them; hey, they put the offer out there. Another way you can tell who is in this for you is in situations like this, and I'll explain that briefly so I can get back to my initial point.
((If they tell you to call them anytime you need anything, do just that. Sometimes the worry of inconveniencing them stops you from calling and you end up panicking alone, but if they offered, then do it. Toss that worry out the window and call. Whether it be the middle of the night, middle of the day, whenever. See how they handle it. If they handle it favorably and genuinely seem to be okay with the fact that you called and try to help you through it without rushing you along, you've found a winner. If they seem bothered, don't listen and turn the conversation on themselves or try to rush you off the phone, then its obvious they said the words but had no meaning behind them.))
Anyway, back to my original point. Yes, its okay to call them because they did offer. But don't hog the conversation--I know that when it gets really bad its hard to talk about anything but the anxiety and what it is doing to you, trust me I've been there--but you run the line of appearing selfish. Remember, they're in it for you and if they're really there, this can take its toll on them as well. Remember and acknowledge that they have lives too. Let them have them. It can be tempting to call someone every time you have an attack, but learning coping tips and remembering what I just said can help you learn how to handle these on your own. Use your support system, but don't take them for granted. This is not an invitation to be selfish and make their lives about you as well. When I started worrying that I was doing that, I found other ways to still be a friend to them, both to show my gratitude for their support and to reconnect myself with the outside world as I was still homebound at the time. I invited them over, I asked them about their problems and tried to help--I think I truly learned to listen when I was going through my worst parts of the anxiety. It's hard when they are there for you all the time to not spill everything about the anxiety every time you speak, but you don't have to give into it all the time. Keep a journal for the rest of that, because sometimes, that friend may need you instead. If you can't do a lot, like with me I couldn't leave with my friends, at one time I couldn't even have them at my house to visit, so you can't really socialize with them, just try your hardest to be there for them as much as you can. It's hard to leave the bubble that anxiety creates, but this is another thing to learn in recovery. But my point is, don't abuse your support system. Remember that they have lives and problems as well.

So just to review, the things I require or ask for in a support circle are:

*Encouragement

*Acceptance and lack of judgment

*Support

*Faith or confidence in me

*Helping me to reacquaint myself with the rest of the world

*Not blaming me for my condition

At the same time, there are things that I need to do for my support circle to show them my gratitude:

*Listening to their problems if they need it

*Resisting the urge to be selfish

*Letting them know how much their support means to me

*Being appreciative

*Supporting and encouraging what they want to do in their own lives

*Showing them that their support is not in vain--showing them my efforts to improve

*Not abusing their position in my life

*Not taking my frustrations out on them

*Saying thank you---trust me, it goes a long way!

Of course, as with everything else I have said in this post, this is just my personal perspective, which is why this is your homework. Come up with a list of things you feel you will need from your support circle in order to help you get better. At the same time, come up with another list of things you need to do for your circle. They may need you as much as you need them; don't take them or what they're doing for you for granted.

Surrounded by Death

2009-11-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems as though my entire life is starting to revolve around death in some form. I am hearing about it more and more in the news, someone who is like family to me died last Saturday, a member of our church lost his teenage son last night, my own pastor's son accidentally killed himself a couple of years ago and they're still dealing with that, it's all over tv shows and movies, my fear of that keeps it in my head quite often, one of my favorite shows deals with people who died and haven't crossed over, celebrities are dying all around us, it's everywhere. When I hear that someone has died, the first thing I do is panic a little. How'd they die? Are they at peace? How is their family? When is it ok to move on? I don't mean that last question to be insensitive, but I don't know how to grieve. I know how to take the pain with me and keep going, and not dwell on the actual event. I guess distracting myself and only letting it emerge briefly is how I grieve. I dunno. All I know is when I hear that someone has passed away, I want to know when I can move on with my life without anyone feeling that I'm being a jerk. I just don't know how to dwell on the pain without sinking in it, so I try not to do it. Is that wrong?

In a way it scares me, always has, but scares me even more now because it makes me worry about the future. Is there even a point in planning for the future if more people around me are going to die? Almost every time the phone rings or I get some kind of text, I expect bad news. When I hear that someone has died, one of the first things I do is try to find someone who's not connected to it, someone who isn't grieving. I guess in a way it keeps me out of that bubble and farther away from sinking into some kind of depression or anxiety that I can't get out of. I hope that's not insensitive, but grief scares me senseless. It's suffocating. It feels like a bottomless pit and it's a glaring sign that things have changed and someone is no longer with us. Then the anxiety kicks in and I find myself dreading everything for fear of dying or someone around me dying. One of my biggest fears is losing my mom or one of my close relatives and/or friends. I worry that I won't know how to function without them around and now that death seems to be everywhere, I feel like I have to accept the fact that I'm going to lose them at some point in the near future. Maybe it's a rational fear, maybe it isn't. I've been slipping with the anxiety lately and with all these things that keep happening, in addition to everything else that's going on--most of which isn't good--I'm becoming more and more afraid. I'll say this though, I'm tired of being surrounded by death. I'm tired of hearing that yet another family is hurting and nothing can help them. I wish nobody died, as immature of a wish as that is to make. I wish we could change that and the person didn't have to die or instead of everyone hurting and being angry for years, we could be happy and celebrate the life they lived and not have any pain on our hearts. But hearing about all of these deaths in a weird way helps me appreciate new life. I was afraid of being knocked up last month, but this has shown me life is short. I want to celebrate new life. I'm not really in a position to get knocked up (which, considering current circumstances, is probably a good thing in a REALLY awful-looking yet effective disguise) but if I found out I was, I wouldn't be angry anymore. It's time to have a good time and celebrate something good. No more pain. No more hurt. No more anxiety. No more grief, or black, or funerals, or viewings, or wakes or flowers or crying. Just happiness and life and good times and laughter and sunshine. I know, not realistic. But a girl can dream, right?

Confidantes and Confusion

2009-11-23T17:10:00.001-07:00

Are any of you a confidante for someone else? Do you serve as a mentor of sorts for a younger person, helping them through their struggles and encouraging them to go after their dreams? Are you a role model, someone who others can look up to and get motivation from to stay on the right path? I'd like to be something like that for younger people, I just don't know how. I mean, I remember being 15 and 16 but I didn't need a mentor--God blessed me with logic and I didn't abandon it often for a feeling that I already knew wouldn't last past my high school years. That kept me out of alot of trouble during those four years, because I definitely had a wild streak. Still do. But logic kept me out of trouble then, anxiety keeps me out of trouble now. So I guess God's always looked out for me, even when I certainly didn't deserve it. But because of that, I was able to emerge alot more responsible and able to keep my eyes on whatever prize I wanted. There are alot of my classmates that I run into at the store, and they're still about the partying and drinking and working at some kind of job that was bound to go nowhere and they know it. And hey, maybe that works for them, I dunno. But there's no career aspirations, no motivation, no goals. It's just about getting from Monday to Friday and partying the weekend and paycheck away. I guess I'm uptight, but I just don't see the fun in that. I don't mind partying the weekend away if that's what strikes my fancy, but I wouldn't call it the highlight of my week. I have other things to do. But I have goals and aspirations and dreams, and I'd like to think my head's screwed on straight.....most of the time. I think I have good things to say and I don't think I'd guide a teen in the wrong direction. I may not be as daring or risky as alot of kids are these days at that age and they probably find me stupid or boring, but I know that being stupid and boring at the right times gets you success and happiness in the end.

But like I said before, I guess teens can't find me relatable. I wouldn't mind being a confidante for someone who needs it or some kind of mentor for someone who needs a better example in their lives. Unfortunately, all the teens I know either already have one, don't need one, don't want one or for some reason just don't want me to help them. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, like maybe I'm giving off a bad vibe to them or something but my point is that it stinks. Like take alot of the younger girls at my church, for example. I do understand why they don't go to the older women for help; many of them will end up just preaching and not really guiding. I don't go to many of them for the same reason. Yes, I want to hear about how I can be a better Christian and how to get to be who God intended for me to be, but I also want someone to take me under their wing and just be there for me as a friend. Someone who is older and won't try to compete with me, won't talk behind my back, understands where I'm coming from and who can help me. So I understand why the other women in church aren't consulted as much, and I know they can't help it; they're set in their ways and that's the only way they know how to give advice. I'm not judging them, I'm just saying it is hard to get them on the same level with you so that you can hear something you can actually use instead of feeling like you have to defend yourself and your actions later. If I wanted all that, I'd talk to my dad. lol So trust, I get it.

There aren't many younger women in the church around my age, and I have the 'privilege' of falling into a rare category at the church: female, no children, not married, little life experience and for the most part, single as a jaybird. That alone puts me into another category, this one not so rare:: LOSER. lol But in any case, there aren't many women around my age at my church and many of them are in one or more of the categories I just said. Because I am not and I'm new to God and trying to get my life together in that manner (as are many of them) I thought I would be able to help them because I don't have any of those things holding me down and I'm by myself, as are many of them. But for some reason, I guess because I come across as a goody two shoes or boring, the younger girls feel they can't relate. It stinks. I just see the younger girls at church and I can see that they might need someone in their corner, because they're all going through some things. I would love to be the person they go to when they need help understanding something or the person who can get through to them and help them make things right, or just someone who can help guide them. It sounds like it would be a good feeling, to say that for once I helped or to hear that I was of help. I dunno if that's an ego or credit thing or actually being able to help. But who knows, maybe God feels I'm not ready to be that kind of influence just yet. And hey, maybe I'm not. I want to have something on my side, something good in my corner, so that I can at least show that being the way I am does have its benefits. I've come a long way in my struggle and I've still got a long way to go, and being their age isn't so foreign that I'm out of touch with younger kids these days. I remember being 16 and 17 and not having a care, but I also remember being 21 and 22 and seeing how quickly your life can change. Anxiety for the most part has ruined my life but at the same time it has saved me from alot of potentially bad decisions and bad situations. I'm not gonna run around telling these girls to develop anxiety or anything LOL, but I can stress the importance of using logic and sound mind in decisions and learning not to always live in the moment, because learning that also keeps you from bad decisions. Alot of people always end up making the decisions they regret later because they're attached to the feeling it brings, but they never think about what happens after that feeling goes away. Anxiety taught me to think about what happens after that feeling goes away and if I feel regret, or shame or embarrassment, I know what I want is an 'of the moment' thing and I rethink my decision to do it. Alot of girls, alot of people in general, would stand to benefit from thinking that way. I've just always wanted to be something good for someone else, I hope that God gives me the tools to be able to do that someday.

As for the confusion, me and dude are still having problems, but only from my point of view. From the way he sees things, we're just peachy. I don't know how to let him know I'm really not happy and I can see from the shift in my feelings this past week that time is definitely of the essence. We had a good conversation on the phone last night and I found out that I suppose according to him, getting married is on the cards. If this had been said a few weeks ago, I would have been so excited because I wanted nothing more than that. But now, I'm still excited but I'm also a little confused. Because I've been unhappy for so long and emotionally I've pulled away so much, getting married and being unhappy sounds about as fun as a root canal. I love him, but due to my feelings starting to change, I know I can and will leave if I have to. The feelings I have now don't have to be permanent, they can always change to how I felt before and that thought gives me peace, but it's unsettling to see that they may be changing because God is about to bring someone new into my life who can give me what I really want since it's becoming apparent that dude is too caught up in fighting his own troubles to help me through any of mine. Just because two people love each other and want to get married doesn't mean that it will happen. A friend of mine had two dreams, one where me and dude got married and another where I married someone else. Not long after the unhappiness kicked in, I had the same two dreams. Then recently, an old friend from childhood has been popping in and out of the picture, telling me how I'm special and he wants to talk to me. I feel like I mean something to him, like I really am special. I don't have any romantic feelings for him---we knew each other when we were in diapers, I've seen him and his brother naked lol...ew--never have, probably never will, but all the things he's telling me are things I need to be hearing from dude. But he chooses to act like if we broke up it wouldn't have any effect on him at all, that he wouldn't fight for us, that there's nothing particularly significant or different about me or our relationship. He doesn't seem in any hurry to hear what's on my mind or what's going on in my life. He doesn't act like he cares very much at all and I've had a rough couple of months. I've needed him and he just hasn't been there so emotionally, I can feel myself starting to slip away from the relationship. But then yesterday we're on the phone and he mentions us getting married. Thought he was kidding but he said he wasn't. It's a complete 180 from the actions I have been seeing and trying not to react off of. I hear things like that and I have to remind myself that I can be fooled by actions, but then again, you can be fooled by words as well. There are times where he'll be acting so non-chalant and then be serious and say something like that, and I have to take a step back. Not out of fear, but so that I can remember that I wasn't always this unhappy, and that these things and feelings that I have can change. My question now is, do I even want them to change? Or am I excited about the prospect of marrying him for the sake of being married and not for the person I am taking these vows with?

Late Night Problems

2009-11-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, I'm having problems at night again. Not problems in the way that I used to in which I was afraid of the nighttime because it made me panic, but just jittery and more on edge at night. Now that I only have one class to worry about (and thank God for it lol) and I'm actually staying on task, I find myself with more time on my hands during these hours. Since I'm back to staying up all night, it's hard to find things to do to keep me occupied and not worrying or panicking over something. It's been rough, especially since the time change. It's funny how when I didn't really have the time to do anything but schoolwork it was easy for me to get distracted and now that I actually have the time to spare, I can't think of or find anything to do. So of course, this creates problems. My support system is once again gone---my entire system from last year has shifted and my new one is always busy-for example, dude (who should be part of it) is probably either out or asleep (in any case, he's not around), my mom is sick and she's asleep anyway, my uncle went to sleep hours ago, the other is asleep and the others are at a bachelorette party--one that I myself should be at but had to duck out because my mom wasn't feeling well. I feel bad for being angry that again, something that I wanted to do couldn't be done. But it is what it is and I am angry. I know it's not my mom's fault and I'm not angry at her, I'm just mad at the situation in general because it stinks. The long of the short of it is, I'm by myself again.

Late night tv sucks. That makes it harder, because there's nothing to watch either. I have no idea how to get through the night without giving into the urge to panic, simply because there's nothing else to do. Then to add onto the stress, the kids have the entire next week out of school. No offense to them, but I could really use the time away from them. Since my sleeping is off, I'm asleep during their school hours and I wake up not long before or after they come home. I have the nights to myself but that's just it--they're to just me and there's not really anything to do so how can you enjoy it? So because of how my sleeping is at the moment, it's like I'm always with them and they are a huge source of my stress. I'd love to get away from them for just a little while. I don't say that to be mean, but its the truth. I'd love to just get away from....everything. Everyone. No problems, no budgets, no sickness, no fighting, no feeling neglected, no relationship drama, no negativity. Boy does that sound nice. Too bad I just described eternal life and not a life I can actually have yet. lol

As Promised.....

2009-11-16T04:48:00.000-07:00

Hello again! As promised, I am back with those couple of links I was talking to you about earlier. I have not gotten the chance to check these links out for myself, but that is another reason why I am going to post them anyway, so that I can hear from you guys what these sites are all about. By the end of the year, I hope to have a list of links that actually work, so that we can start weeding out the links that are traps or do not work and get the word out to others who are seeking recovery from anxiety. Here's the first one.

http://www.bringchange2mind.org/-- This link I actually saw on tv; if you haven't seen it yet, it features the actress Glenn Close and her sister, who suffers from bipolar disorder. I heard about the two of them teaming up to bring more awareness to mental disorders awhile ago, but I didn't realize they were teaming up for this particular website. I just went to it a couple of minutes ago, and they even have a crisis number you can call. We all know finding one of those is rare for anxiety these days unless you're contemplating suicide (which I hope and pray none of you are doing!) They've got pages on Facebook and YouTube, so you can friend them and view their commercials so you can see what they're about.

http://www.anxietytalknow.com/-- From the looks of it, this appears to be another anxiety social community, where you're encouraged to tell your story and get some resources for your particular mental disorder, whether it be anxiety disorder, OCD, agoraphobia, or something similar. They've got forums, a store with video and audiotapes, and apparently a tv show that's free to members, which gives me the impression that this specific website isn't entirely free. Who knows though. I think you should still give it a go and let me know if there are any prices involved---remember, we're trying to keep things free around these parts. :)

http://www.socialphobia.org/current.html-- This site is pretty self-explanatory; it focuses on social phobias and related disorders and while I didn't give you the link to the homepage, I gave you the link to a page where there are more resources for you to check out about anxiety and the like. Let me know how many of those links pan out.

http://www.npadnews.com/anxiety-symptoms.asp-- This link would probably be better for those who are at the beginning steps of their process and are finding a way to tell family about the disorder. As I have said in past blogs about the first steps of anxiety recovery which are much like any other disorder or addiction, family and friends need to be alerted to what you're going through, what it causes and what is happening in your body. It is important for you to understand those three things not only for yourself, but so that you will be as informed as possible when you let your loved ones know as well. Since like I said in the past blog, anxiety is a household name but still has its fair share of skeptics--bringing knowledge like what's presented on this page will show them the real facts. This disorder does manifest itself physically as well as mentally and what I like about this page as well is that it talks about what the body is going through with some of these symptoms. Remember the post I did sometime either earlier this year or late last year where I told you to find a page that goes into detail about the symptoms and what it does to the body during an attack and pass those papers out to family when you tell them? This page would be perfect for that. Having the facts right there makes it harder to dispell them, and since it explains exactly what the body is going through for some of the symptoms will allow those that you tell to take a small walk in your shoes and gain a little understanding. And even for those who know about anxiety and have told friends and family, sometimes we still do not know all the symptoms in case suddenly a new one pops up during an attack and we're thrown for a loop, or we want to understand what's going on during one or what's going on during certain symptoms of the attack. Again, the page is perfect.

Well, as I said earlier I didn't have alot of links this time around but I'll be doing some nosing and snooping around for the next few days and see if I can find anything. Let me know how those links turned out, let me know of any links you found on your own, and we'll get started on that list. Have a great Monday everyone! And don't forget to breathe. At first I thought that technique would never work on me, but then I realized it wasn't because the technique was ineffective, it was because I wasn't allowing it to work. When you actually make yourself close your eyes and focus on taking that deep breath in and letting it back out, you do feel calmer and you can sometimes feel the slowing of your heart by the time you're done. Take a deep breath and count to five if you're extra anxious or stressed. It may not take the entire attack away, but it does a good job of taking an attack from a 7 to a 5, which gives you time to find something that will distract you long enough to take the attack away. Breathe, folks. It'll do ya a world of good. And keep you alive, which is also good. :D lol Happy Monday!

My Apologies.

2009-11-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! I've got some great links I'd like you all to check out and I'll post them later on tonight after I finish this post and some homework. I saw them today and it reminded me that I was beginning to neglect the true reason I even started this blog because I was wrapped up in my own issues. Yes, those issues brought me anxiety and its my anxiety-related issues so I need to work through them like any other ones I have so I still posted the entries, but it's been a couple of months since I took the focus off a personal perspective and showed you guys something about actual anxiety. It's been awhile since I've even talked about anything else besides dude (coincidentally, the thing that at one time made me happiest is currently the biggest cause of my anxiety. Go figure, huh? ::sigh:: I won't say anything else about that in this post, I promise.). And for that you've got my sincerest apologies. I did not realize until I saw some links this morning and got excited about posting them to you all that I hadn't done that in awhile, which made me feel bad. Here I am ranting and raving about wanting to be some advocate for anxiety, this 'anonymous voice of the nervous' lol and I'm slacking on my little part already. From the bottom of my heart guys, I'm sorry. I've got alot going on and I know that's no excuse and I don't want you to think I'm using it as one. I just got wrapped up in my own issues and how I was going to work through my anxiety to get through the problems since it was the anxiety causing them and that's all fine and dandy. Problem is, I forgot how to be an anxiety blogger as well as an anxiety sufferer. At some point, I crossed the line to being a woe-is-me, in the dark sufferer again because of this change in my life and I vowed I wouldn't go back there. It's hard to do though, cuz I'll be honest: It's a thin line. :) But that doesn't matter. I promised I wasn't going to be quiet about this disorder or what it can do to us and I'm not going to go back on that simply because there's something going on with me. We all need a voice and I'm sorry I haven't been doing my job with that lately. I'm going to try harder though from here on out though, I promise. I am going to do my best to stay on top of whatever comes out about anxiety or related mental health issues so I can keep you guys informed, keep including the links, keep making the blog better and not letting it grow stagnant (I realized I was doing that too--again, I'm sorry), and make sure to keep you guys informed of whatever changes I am making in my own life to beat this. That is my promise. Come hell or high water, I'm gonna keep it. Anxiety is becoming such a household name and I've never been more thankful. Despite that though, there are still tons who have heard of it and have no clue what it is and don't think to educate themselves. There are even more people who call it a 'cop out disorder,' meaning they don't think it has any grounds or merit to be considered a legit disorder for various reasons, some of which I'm sure you've heard by now. Point is, anxiety still needs a voice. We still need help, and resources, and support. I promised to do that and I haven't been owning up to it. I can't even begin to be angry that I have no help with my anxiety issues when I promised to be of some help to those who feel like I do but I haven't pulled through with my end of the bargain. I know it can't work like that and I need to start putting out more if I expect to be able to pull in more. So for my negligence of this blog and its original intentions, I really am sorry. I'll be back later tonight with those links; maybe I can find some more before then. :)

Changing Expectations

2009-11-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

I posted a status on Facebook earlier stating that I was changing my expectations. I originally only meant that for one relationship in my life, but then I realized it could apply for almost all of the relationships and friendships in my life at the moment. I first decided to change my expectations to be spiteful; I was on the verge of just shutting down completely and saying eff it all, it's time to stop running on emotion and cut it out of my life. It would save me a world of stress. But then I started thinking and I asked myself, Do I want to change this honestly or am I doing it to spite someone else? When I realized my answer was more for the latter than for the former, I saw that not only was it the wrong thing to do, I was giving them power over me and that wasn't right either. By allowing someone to disappoint me and then acting on emotion afterwards, I'm giving them power over my decisions. It's the same thing here--if I decide to change who God made me to be just to be spiteful or hurt someone else, I am letting that other person retain whatever control they had over my life and that's not fair either. When I was first told to change my expectations, I figured, "Why should I? Why should I change what I want out of someone simply because they don't want to do right??" Then I was laying down earlier, expecting something from someone and when I didn't get it I was pissed.....nah, hurt fits better. I was hurt because this person didn't live up to what I expected. And it's fine to be mad. But then I started thinking of ways to get back at this person and hurt their feelings like they've been hurting mine. Not a cool thing to do. It's not like me to purposely be hurtful. It's like me to dream about being mean instead of being nice all the time so that people will see how their behavior can hurt, but let's be real here. I have cried because my neighbor's dog was out in the snow and had to dig himself a little hole under a table she had in the yard. I couldn't stand that dog, and I cried like a baby. Being hurtful and mean just isn't me. Never has been. I thank God for that. Another thing is I already know that once I calm down, not only will I regret the actions I have set forth, but I won't be able to control the reactions that my initial actions produce. Not to mention the undeniable fact that I have hurt someone's feelings. I don't like doing that either. So instead of making God angry (and others in the process), I am finally going to try changing my expectations. I decided not to have any expectations anymore. Like I said, I was angry when I was first told to change my expectations because I felt it let the other person off the hook for not doing something right. But now I am seeing that this benefits me more than them. If I don't expect anything from them, I can't get mad if they don't give it to me. That's going to be so hard to do but I realized if I don't do it, I'm always going to be angry, or stressed, or sad about something I'm not getting, which wastes time and takes away from the time I have to appreciate what is going right in my life. Not fair to me. And if I can't be fair and right with myself, I can't possibly expect that from others. Which further proves my point that it's better just to not have any at all. Too bad this is going to be an extremely hard thing to do, at least for me. But you've got my word, I will try.

Working by Fear

2009-11-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

I already know I work by fear. Duh. What I did not realize, at least not entirely, is that dude works by fear too. It's sad, really....he says he's concerned about my safety and whatever else because of how I function by fear but does not realize he does the same thing in fear of being vulnerable or being hurt yet does not allow me to be concerned about it. And he's got such a wall up there that I can't seem to get past it. We'll be talking about something, and I'll be glad he's actually opening up since it's rare that he does that, it's rare when he even calls, and then it gets to a certain comfort level for him and he shuts down. He doesn't realize I don't get frustrated, even when we don't agree, I'm just grateful he's letting me in that much and I'm able to understand him more. But our relationship can't keep going like this. He's avoiding talking about certain things, if we're getting too deep into conversations, he'll just shut down and stop talking, which means I don't get what I want to say off my chest. And he's such an alpha male that I can't do anything but be quiet about it. I didn't realize you could walk by fear for two different reasons in two different capacities. Problem is, he's allowing his fear to take him from me when he's the one that pursued me in the first place.

I'm no longer worried about my fears because I know how I feel and my fears don't affect that. His fears shut down his emotions so they will affect how he feels and he will probably find a reason to duck out. I don't know how to deal with a lack of emotions very well and he doesn't work by anything but the lack of emotions. I think somewhere he knows he either has to bend and let me in or take his ball and go home. Because he's more used to doing things the way he's doing them now, he'll probably take the ball and go home. We are afraid of the same things, handled them totally differently but we're still moving away, not towards each other. Before he left, we were in a committed relationship, with each other, and we could freely admit that we loved each other. Since he's been gone, he's told me he loved me maybe twice but hasn't actually said it, and he described what we had as "talking" and that we "had chemistry." If you ask me, that's a huge understatement and I think he knows it is too, which is why he avoids giving us any kind of labels. But he's afraid of long-distance relationships so maybe he figures that if he makes this less of a serious relationship without actually breaking up with me (which deep down I don't think he wants to do, he's not a person to beat around the bush and stay in unfavorable situations for too long), it would be easier to cut ties and run.

I told my mom and my friends that he was moving away from me and it appears that I was right. But I'm not sure if it has to do with me personally or just him trying to protect himself. After our conversation I'm seeing it might be a bit of both, but not because he thinks I'm a bad person. Here's what I think it is: I deal with emotions and don't mind arguing, having tough conversations. He doesn't deal with emotions, doesn't like to argue and if he feels the conversation will end badly he stops talking before it goes too far. Because he won't be able to protect himself and he knows I will not let the issue die completely, it might be easier for him to eliminate the issue (me X_X)without changing how he functions or do what he's doing now, keep me at arm's length and at his disposal until either he gets tired of avoiding it or I get tired of him avoiding it and leave him alone. He always tells me he doesn't expect anything from anyone but if he's doing all this to protect himself, its obvious he still expects everyone to hurt him.

Which brings me to my point--I just talked about my fear of being hurt last month. We really aren't that different, he and I. I expect people to hurt me too, but I close myself off from all of it--I don't even let it get past a talking phase because that's where feelings come into play. I wasn't willing to risk, but that also meant I wasn't willing to find anyone different and get a reward for taking the risk, you know what I mean? He's closing himself off from emotions because he feels that not only do they get in the way and cause you to lie, but if he keeps himself uninvolved in that way, he gets to protect himself from getting hurt because his feelings aren't involved. So in a way, he isn't willing to risk either and I can guarantee, whether it be in this relationship or some other area of his life, it's gonna cost him unless he changes that mentality and learns to see that not everyone or everything is going to hurt him. I understand that perfectly after tonight. So do you see how we're not that different? What is different though is that God's allowing me to not feel all that I felt for him at first because I need to be patient with him and I know I couldn't have done that if I was still feeling everything so intensely. Instead of wanting to cut my losses and run, I want to understand more so that I can help, so that I can help him change his thinking about that, even if I'm not the one that gets to benefit from it. I'm seeing just how my fear can affect someone else. But the thing is, I can see this ending badly if he doesn't realize what's going on and learn that its harmful, both to himself and anyone he allows in his life.

.........

2009-10-28T03:10:00.000-06:00

I just hit rock bottom. I think it's temporary but still. I finished that blog I was writing, and everything that's been going on in my life just started swirling around in my head. The anxiety, my family, our entire situation, my hopes and dreams, my doubts and fears, the fact that I am either going to lose my boyfriend or my friend, not knowing what to do, just everything--I was so tired at first and then I was so mad that this was my life. There was no control, no normalcy, no stability. And what kind of life is that? It just doesn't seem worth it. I was tired of living. I was just done. I remember thinking to myself that after the last time I tried to kill myself that I promised never to do it again. I even remembered the scars on my wrist. I could have cared less. I just remember not feeling needed, or loved, or protected or anything. I felt naked, and vulnerable and alone. And I couldn't deal with the feeling. So I made up my mind, got up and walked out to the kitchen but I looked in my brothers' room and I started walking a little slower, then I got to my sister's room at the end of the hallway and went a little slower, I saw my other brother's bedroom and my chest started feeling heavy, then I don't know why but I looked up at my grandma's picture (she really is my heart) and I just started to bawl. I sat down in the middle of the living room and just started to cry. I couldn't do it. After everything those kids have been through, could I really do this to them? After everything my mom has been through, could I do that to her? And what would my grandma say if she knew I was about to end my life because I was tired? She'd tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and fight like hell. Fight for what you want, fight for happiness if you have to, fight for your life. I didn't know if I could go through with what I was going to do with the knowledge that in a few hours, one of them will have to find me like that and have that image burned into their minds for the rest of their lives. I wouldn't even be around to say I'm sorry for it. It's incredibly selfish. They may get on my last nerve, but they have no clue that they saved me from doing something extremely stupid tonight. In a strange parallel, at the exact same time I was making the decision to do it, my friend (who has been going through some really intense things and is dealing with alot) was finding the key to her own healing from a friend of hers. And we were talking at the time. Ironic, isn't it? I'm just drained. I'm finishing this homework, going to bed, and hoping that I've left my heart open so God can administer to it and I can wake up with a new outlook and renewed....I dunno what, energy I guess.

Hmm....can't come up with a catchy title tonight.

2009-10-28T00:50:00.000-06:00

I'm supposed to be doing homework...I have two assignments due tonight and this is the first week since the class started that I've been on track so I'd like to keep it that way, but it looks like I'm about to jack it up again. We're in week 4 and I haven't been on beat with either class since the 2nd assignment of week 1. lol I procrastinated and cried through the rest of week 1 (more on that later), the second week of class I was sick the whole week, the third week (last week) my mom was in the hospital but somehow on Thursday I finally pulled it out of the fire lol so on Monday I was able to start everything on time. So why am I knowingly jeopardizing that brief stability in my classes by writing on here when I should be doing my homework? I dunno...guess that's just the kinda girl I am. :D

God loves me anyway.

Anyway, I've been needing to write for awhile but as shown above, I haven't exactly had the time. And seeing as how I'm neglecting homework to write now, I obviously still don't have it. lol Alot has happened since the last posting, and it's a big factor into why I haven't written anything. Dude and I had a huge falling out, ironically it was the same day as my last post, as a matter of fact I wrote it probably an hour before it happened, if that. Not long after I wrote that and was basking in my newfound 'relationship security' LOL, we had a talk that quickly turned from hard to horrible in a matter of minutes. I spent the next few days in a haze that obviously didn't include anything school related, as I spent them in bed crying and away from the computer. Let's see...all that happened on a Tuesday afternoon, the 6th I believe it was, and by that Saturday morning I was in bed with a 104 fever. Heartbreak was the last thing on my mind because I was convinced I was dying. lol Spent Saturday and Sunday drifting in and out of consciousness, I was finally able to stay awake on Monday and the fever FINALLY! broke on Tuesday...night. lol I was still confined to the bed since I guess the fever took so much out of me, so I stayed there til sometime Thursday. Tried to get caught up in one class til Saturday, when my mom went in the hospital and they ended up admitting her. The only time I had to really do anything for school was at night after the kids had gone to sleep, to keep my mind off of panicking and dude. Some of those nights I sat up watching tv trying to relax, some I spent talking to who I nicknamed The 3 Wise Women (mom texted from the hospital lol), and others I finally buckled down and did my homework. I ended up doing more than I thought, since on Thursday I realized I was caught up and just had to post it. Mom got out Friday evening, and I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on lost participation points for class since they were threatening to toss me out of class. Whew. Then this week I've been having a really rough time, with dude and the panicking and that whole mess, and this weekend is our church's anniversary so I won't have the time then to make up for lost assignments. In short, it's been a rough month. I don't even care that Halloween is this Saturday, I just want the month to be over. Granted, this October wasn't half as hard as last October and I'm eternally grateful for that since the last one was hell but this one sucked nonetheless.

Hey I just realized I'm talking to three people right now and their names all start with a Jo. lol Just a random observation.

The situation with dude is kinda hard to explain since I don't even understand it all the time. lol Long of the short of it is, as I said before dude left back home two days after we had that falling out a few weeks ago. We didn't talk for a few days, I think I said something briefly to him the day he left and then again that Sunday but that was it. Communication hasn't been the same since then, so my mind wandered and I started thinking of all the bad things that could be happening--he's with another girl, he doesn't love me anymore, he's not going to come back, we aren't going to talk anymore--you name it, I thought it at some point. Well since he wasn't around for me to ask about it, I kept panicking about it and then the negativity from others kicked in. I have a good friend whose opinion I valued and trusted, and he's never been too high on me and dude. They used to be friends at one time, then they both went overseas and dude came back with a sour taste in his mouth about the friend, and the feeling was more than mutual. I don't know what happened between them, but in any case they are far from friendly now. I realized this but since I figured my friend's opinion would be free from bias, when he asked how things were going I told him the truth. He told me his opinion and while I did not agree at first, he brought some nagging suspicions to light that I'd tried to keep at the back of my mind. That added onto the ones I already had. Over the next week or so I noticed that every time I was done talking to my friend, I walked away feeling more doubtful and negative about my relationship with dude. I didn't like that. I mean, who does? But that was his opinion and I told him I wouldn't judge him for it, so I left it alone.

Well I've been having a rough time at it and I was feeling angry at dude for not talking to me more because I really could have used his support and I didn't have it so I felt a little neglected, like I didn't mean anything to him anymore. I hated how I felt like just another person when I spoke to him, and I especially hated the fact that soon after he left, I realized I was in love with him and he could have been off bonking another chick and I'd have been none the wiser about it. The suspicions combined with my fears just rattled around in my head and finally boiled over yesterday, when my friend laid out some bombshells for me. I texted dude and told him to call me, and I was pleasantly surprised when exactly 8 seconds after I sent the text, my phone rang. Yes, I counted. Not intentionally, but my point is that he called immediately. lol I brought up what I was told and dude shot them down, which didn't bring me the comfort I thought it would but not because I didn't believe him, but because I realized I was so deep into this that it didn't matter who I believed at this point, it would still be a no win situation for me. I put myself all the way on the line with both of these people and they hold my trust firmly in their grasp. They have the control because they both know I don't know everything. Which leaves them in an unbelievable position of control over what I know, since they can pretty much tell me anything and I can't argue with it since I don't know. And since they are telling me two different stories, it is obvious that someone is lying to me, which is hard for me to accept. Either my friend, who I trust and respect, could be lying to me for reasons that I am not aware of, or my boyfriend, who I love and trust more than beans, is lying to me so that he can have his cake and eat it too. Both of them are very important to me so it's really hard for me to deal with the fact that one of them is lying to me, because either situation would break my heart, but that's the reality of it. You can't have two very different accounts of the same situation and still believe that both people are telling the truth. You can have two points of view, but not two entirely different stories. As much as I would like for it to, it just doesn't work like that. But I believe that everything done in the dark has to come to the light, so the truth will reveal itself soon enough. Sadly, that's what I'm afraid of. Yes, right now I know someone is lying and no I don't know who it is, but that's just it. I don't know. So right now I'm in the dark. I can't explain why that's better than knowing who it is. Once its out there, I can't take it back or speculate because then I'll know without a doubt. Which means that my relationship with one of them will be irreversibly changed. Like I said, it's a no-win for me. Either it's going to come out that my boyfriend is a cheating, manipulative liar and I will have to let him go, or my friend is a lying, conniving, two-faced jerk and our friendship is over because he tried to sabotage my relationship. It's a hard pill to swallow. I don't feel like writing anymore.

You know what I've realized?

2009-10-06T14:44:00.001-06:00

I've realized that even though I am happy with dude most of the time, I expect him, probably sooner rather than later, to hurt me. I expect that when he's late coming over that it's because he's with another girl. I expect that when he leaves not long after getting here because he's tired that it's really because he was with someone else and just came to see me to keep up appearances, at least on my behalf. We just started dating so I know it's grasping at straws, for him to already be seeing someone else because it would be like he intentionally decided to have more than one gf which I don't see him doing, but it's still a thought. Now that it's out there in the open though, it seems more ridiculous than I originally figured it was. I'm trying to learn how to suffer in silence so that I don't have to bother him with all my stupid fears and assumptions because they're not fair to him for me to have them. But tonight, I realized the truth of the matter is that I don't expect people to have good intentions where I'm concerned. It's not about him or my trust level in him at all. Simply put, I don't expect people to treat me right. I don't expect them to be honest with me. I don't expect them to be happy with me. I expect them to do something to hurt me and not care. I expect them to lie and cheat. And sooner or later, I expect them to leave me for greener pastures and not look back. I'm not trying to play the victim role here but my problem in life, well one of my problems, is that I was too naive before, too trusting, too eager and too quick to make excuses if I saw a behavior that wasn't right. So when the truth was revealed to me, I shut down a little. And each time it happened, I shut down a little more. Eventually, I had shut down completely. It was a lonely little box. But I knew that for as long as I decided to be in that box, nobody could touch me, nobody could hurt my feelings or make me vulnerable or break my heart. So despite the fact that I was very alone inside this box, I was also safe and that's what was more important to me. I don't want anyone thinking that I was under the impression that 'it's a big bad world and everyone's out to get me,' but I will say that those with bad intentions seemed to find their way down my path more than those that had good intentions. The problem with all that was, yes I was protecting myself from any hurt, but I was also inadvertently causing myself more of it when I decided to come out of the box. So I may have protected myself from short-term problems but I didn't realize that it would simply prolong them until whenever I came out. I closed the lid and didn't think I was going to come out again so it really wasn't an issue for quite awhile. But the longer I stayed in there, alone, the more things I lost the ability to do--believe in others, believe in myself, trust in others, trust in myself, be positive about others' intentions and act on those beliefs. I shut myself down temporarily but it seems those parts are still closed off to everyone else.

When I started this blog, it was originally just to talk about my problems with anxiety. I didn't realize that over the next year and a half, it would become more for me than just an outlet for my disorder. I also didn't realize just how many things were tied into it. I knew that anxiety affected everything, but I dunno...I didn't think that trying to enter a new relationship would cause so much of it to resurface. The irony of the whole thing is that the things I'm having problems with aren't connected directly to my anxiety; they're more like byproducts. The bf accepts my anxiety and its many, many issues with no problem. Which I love him for. He's the first one to take a chance like that on me and I'll never be able to repay that. With him, it's not the normal "do I have to worry about hiding an attack from him" or "will he still like me once I tell him about my anxiety" fears that I anticipated having when I first realized I wanted to be with him. Here, its moreso how the anxiety and the situations I've been put in because of it have affected my views and my outlook on people. Because everyone turned their backs on me last April when I got sick, I don't expect others to stick around and genuinely help me. Because I can barely say no without feeling guilty, I expect people to take advantage of me and use my desire to help to their own benefit. Because I am constantly reminded of my many faults and all the ways I am not good, I don't expect someone to disagree with that and not do me wrong. Everyone else has and it just dawned on me that I have come to expect it. Let me explain how warped I am. Because past boyfriends have basically told me I suck and wasn't enough for them so they found it elsewhere, I need constant reassurance. Not reassurance of my greatness lol, because I'm not great. I don't find myself to be much of a treat past the honeymoon phase. Once the guy knows me, I expect him to leave. But I don't need reassurance that I'm great. I need reassurance that I'm able to make you happy or that I'm enough for you and that you're okay. If I don't get that, my mind runs away with me and I start nitpicking at myself and all the things I 'could' but am not doing. And because of that, I will end up encouraging you to leave so that you can find better. I was going to say don't ask me why I do that, but I know exactly why I do it so there's no reason for me to say it. I do it because I want the other person to be happy. And if that means I have to give them up in order for that to happen, then I will. I don't want them to settle or feel like they're settling because in my eyes, they're settling for less when they deserve more. So I will encourage them to leave and find it. I fully believe that there is someone for everyone out there, but I don't believe that I am that person for anyone. And that's the truth. If anyone can get me fully out of my shell, fully functional and still able to love, then they deserve a medal. lol But that's a peek into how twisted this dome is.

So many of my fears and insecurities are tangled up in that mess somewhere, so it is going to be a bigger struggle than I thought to get rid of them. I told the bf that he was going to need patience with me and I am just now realizing how much he's going to need. With him leaving in 2 days to go back home, we will have to try a lot harder to make this work. But I'm terrified that he's going to get down there and realize that he's settling, and then I'm gonna get a Dear Jane on Facebook and that'll be the end of it. I don't want that to happen. I want this to work so badly but I'm scared that this long-distance thing is going to be the death of our relationship. Especially since I expect him to do something wrong when he gets there. Not because I don't trust him or because I think he's a bad person, but I expect him to follow 'guy protocol' and do the wrong things and lie to me about it. So I guess this is his chance to prove me wrong, and this is my chance to not act like an ass and lose the guy. Someone told me to change my expectations of people and then they can't hurt me anymore, but dude hasn't hurt me at all. There's no expectation to change. The one that I have is not one that he caused; it's one that was there long before he was. I don't know how to change that. So I'll be quiet about my fears until I see proof that I should be worried. When I said in an earlier blog that I needed alot of work, I had no clue how true that statement would be. Maybe we're being separated so that God can work on us separately, that's what a friend told me once, and now that I'm seeing just how much of it I need, I'm inclined to believe it. I don't think we'll always have a long-distance relationship, I think it's just an issue of how long it'll be one. But I have a great guy and I'm not trying to give that up, so if I have to put up with some changes that I don't like for a little while, I'll do it. But I need help on changing these expectations or else they're going to do more harm than good, especially in what looks like the first real relationship I've had. Ugh.

Anxiety and Herpes

2009-10-02T17:19:00.005-06:00

You know what I realized? Anxiety is like herpes. lmao Let me explain why. I'm bored...just humor me for awhile. lol

1--Anxiety is not something that is easy to tell a new partner about, much like herpes.
2--Most people with severe anxiety try to keep these things from their new partner, much like those with herpes.
3--The new partner has to be willing to live with the person and put up with the things that anxiety brings, much like herpes.
4--The person is usually embarrassed to tell others and has to build themselves up to doing it, like herpes.
5--When the person does tell their family and friends they have anxiety, they have to be well-informed about what they're saying and ease it on their loved ones, much like herpes.
6--Anxiety during pregnancy can, in some cases, be passed onto the child, like herpes.
7--Anxiety can be a lifelong battle, like herpes.
8--You can suppress anxiety but there's no one shot cure yet, like herpes.
9--If a partner can't deal with all the things anxiety brings, they may leave, like those in relationships with people who have herpes.
10--There are anxiety support groups, just like for herpes.
11--Recovery encourages others to be honest about themselves and not hide anxiety out of shame or fear, just like with herpes.
12--Anxiety affects you on a mental level, just like herpes.
13--Anxiety and its problems leave scars, like herpes.
14--There's medication for anxiety, just like for herpes.
15--Anxiety can keep you from having sex (not me personally LOL, I've had too much bench time there)........much like herpes.

**And a friend submitted one, having herpes gives one anxiety.** I love it. lol

I'm sure there are more comparisons, but I'm dry for now. lol Btw, no offense to anyone living with herpes. Or anxiety. Or both. lol Just some random observations. :)