My Journey From December 2010 - Present

Where am I now?

2012-08-01T16:54:00.000+01:00

It would seem that I haven't posted on the blog for just shy of 4 months now.

I managed 2 1/2 days at work early April and ended up having some further time off. I used the rest of my maternity days and then fully returned to work at the start of May.
I've always been a firm believer that if you expect nothing, then anything over and above is a pleasant surprise.
I returned in May with more of this attitude and it made each day pass much easier. Somehow I managed to get back into the swing of things and haven't looked back since.
I do have to say though, that without the help of certain people, I wouldn't be where I am now. For those of you who have been following this blog, you will know how much Jodi has meant to me and also later on in finding friendships with some girls at the local Sands group. We still see each other at the monthly meetings and also weekly or fortnightly for dinner or coffee. There is however, one other who has made my life and my outlook so different. I'm not going to mention any names but can only just say that without the phone calls and messages or support different to what I was already getting, I certainly wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have thought that it would make such a difference, but it totally has.

I suppose the main reason for me not blogging for 4 months is purely down to work. I have thought about it a handful of times but usually when i'm not really able to actually do it. At the same time, I haven't really felt the need to. For the people who told me that the blog would be a waste of time and that it wouldn't help me, all I can say really is up yours. Funnily enough, those people have had no effect on how i've grieved at all. They've just shown me what type of people they are.

You really do find out during these tragedies who your real friends are and actually to be honest, you also find out what sort of people your family members are too.

I'm a different person today to what I was a year ago. I can still see some of the old Sian shining through, but i'm so much more aware of things I want out of my relationships with people and what i'm after in my own life.

This time last year, I was lying on my lounge sofa praying that my little ones wouldn't make an appearance with the funneling of my cervix. Little did I know that my appendix had ruptured and in 12 days time, I would have my little angels.

We are undecided as to what to organise if anything for their 1st birthday on 12th August. We both have the week off work but just aren't sure what to do. Do we celebrate? In a way I think we should but at the same time it feels wrong to celebrate such a tragedy. But we should celebrate their lives no matter how brief.

Their headstone went up today. I've seen a picture already but can't wait to go up after work today and see it in person. x

What A Day

2012-04-02T20:44:00.003+01:00

I really thought people would be more sensitive at work especially on my first day back. It was always going to be hard but in all honesty there was a glimmer of hope that it would end up being easier and all the worry would be for nothing and it would go better than expected.

Arriving on my first day back I find that actually I have no desk. The lady who was taken on to cover my maternity has been kept on and seems to be keeping my desk. Initial thoughts are that perhaps on my first day back I could at least sit there so I could feel more comfortable and welcomed. Craig's Mum said Hi at 8:30am and didn't say anything else to me until 5:30pm. It's a small office. I wasn't even asked if I was getting on ok bearing in mind that I said only a few days ago that I was going to find going back emotionally difficult.

I decided to go for a walk up town during my lunch break. Arriving back in the office I decided to eat my sandwich. I ate it standing up. I know, I can hardly believe it myself.

I mentioned to the maternity cover lady that I wanted to book some time off in August as it's Lola and Lukas' first birthday and before I got to finish the sentence, I was told that she had a week off in August. Turns out it's the same week. The week beginning 13th August. It's her birthday on the anniversary of Lola's death. I can't see how I can have the time off now and it's going to be a really hard week. I want to celebrate my babies' lives and to also make sure Craig has a more enjoyable 30th birthday on 18th. I know it's going to be really hard for him to enjoy it and I thought that having the week off and doing things together would make it special.

It's been almost 8 months and I still cannot grasp how insensitive people can be. "Just get sprogged up again" and "I understand it must be hard for you" have both been said to me today. I don't know what goes through peoples minds sometimes.

I have no idea what to do. I'm angry and upset. I cried all the way home and to be honest, I have no idea how I managed to get home.

Thinking about work

2012-03-31T19:38:00.001+01:00

Today is Saturday. I'm returning to work on Monday morning. I can't believe the time has come. I'm just not interested at all. A text saying "it will be good for you to mix with others" doesn't help. What the hell does that mean? I'm certainly not a hermit by any means! I don't like to socialise with the people I work with anyway but it just seems that possibly it means "get back to work and everything will be normal again". It's that word again isn't it, normal. My way of dealing with my grief is not to shut it out and carry on as "normal" as if any of this never happened. I can't even begin to think how I could ever deal with it that way - it might be normal for others but for me, I need to think about my babies and talk about them. In the complete understanding that everyone deals with things differently, it's just not my way.

I like to talk about Lola and Lukas. No matter how hard it is trying not to cry whilst talking about them, at the same time it's lovely to know that some people want to hear about them. Crying is good anyway and sometimes after a good cry I do feel a little better. I've had many of those in the last 1-2 weeks. I did this week make a breakthrough. Since Lola and Lukas died 7 1/2 months ago I don't think once have I ever sent anyone a message saying I needed to talk. Not even Jodi. Jodi has been amazing and has constantly been messaging and asking how my day is and when we see each other I don't think there has been a day when we haven't spoken about Lola and Lukas. I can't remember ever actually messaging myself and saying that I was having a bad day. I just don't do it. It's difficult for me to talk to people but this week I actually started a conversation. It did feel good and although it was only via text, perhaps in the future I may be able to speak in person. It comes quite naturally when people ask me questions and talk to me.

I wonder how Monday will go? Mmmmmmmm....

Emotions Running Wild

2012-03-22T13:28:00.000+00:00

Going away on the weekend was one of the best decisions ever made. I wanted to feel special on Mothers Day and not forgotten about. I didn't want to spend the day with anyone else but Craig, Lola and Lukas. The idea of spending it with people who have no understanding or even compassion is horrific.

Saturday we went to the Lakeside Brasserie and watched the Rugby and my Team Wales, win the 6 Nations Grand Slam. We went straight to the hotel after the Wales game, placed the bottle of champagne i'd taken in a bucket of ice and then watched the England game and a lovely meal after.

I woke up in the morning feeling so emotional. The day should have been so different. I should have been celebrating my first Mothers Day with Lola and Lukas with us. Craig did however, get me an amazing card and giraffe charm for my bracelet from them. I couldn't help thinking about what Mums would be doing with their babies. Mothers Day will ALWAYS be hard. Lola and Lukas will be missing in person but they will always be there in my heart and mind. I want others to realise that I will always be upset on birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and due dates.

After a lovely few hours in the swimming pool at the hotel, we went to see Lola and Lukas on our way home. My special little Angels.

I've only got around 11 days til I return to work. I'm getting so scared, it's such a big step to make. I've just had a conversation with Craig's Mum who asked about my return date which is 2nd April. The response being "that will be good won't it". Do people have any idea whatsoever? I just wish I wasn't such a coward. I want to shout and scream at people and tell them that it's not going to be good. It's going to be bloody awful. It makes me so angry that people just don't think about how I might be feeling. "Going back to work will be good for you". I wish now that i'd looked for a new job to start. Going back to work with people that don't understand how i'm feeling is my worst nightmare and having Craig's Mum as my boss who as far as i'm concerned gives Craig and I no support is terrifying. No mention of our babies, no mention of anything. I'm so fed up of people assuming we've got over it or them not being able to deal with it themselves. It doesn't help us.

I find it so hard to say that i'm struggling. That's one reason I started this blog but the important people don't bother to read it.

On My Own

2012-03-13T17:37:00.002+00:00

Craig went back to work 6 days ago now. I still can't believe how hard this recovery is. Last night I went to bed in quite a lot of pain and it hadn't gone away this morning so my 11am appointment that I was intending to walk to, I had to get a cab to and from.

I had a complete meltdown last night. Suddenly around 5pm I realised it was the 12th. 7 months before I had given birth to our beautiful babies Lola and Lukas. The best yet the worst day. A comment last night of "someone decides when our time is up" really upset me. Who really would look at unborn children and say "they've had their time and i'm going to make their parents feel like crap for the rest of their lives". Seriously? I'm not religious, I don't know where my children are but I know they're happy and they're together. There are so many other Angel Babies that they must have so many friends. I have to think about this to keep myself sane.

In less than 3 weeks, I have to return to work. I'm dreading it. The next support meeting is 2 weeks today and in a way it can't come slowly enough as it will mean I return to work the following week but on the other hand, I really need the support at the moment. One of the girls from the group came over for a cuppa earlier and her little boy was stillborn the day before. We both said that there was a realisation this month on their anniversaries that it will be their 1st birthdays soon. In reality it's only 7 months but it's closer to their 1st Birthday now than their actual births. I need to start thinking about what to do on their birthday which is also the anniversary of losing our little Lukas. 4 Days later, losing Lola and then 2 days later, Craig celebrates his 30th Birthday or not as the case may be. I honestly don't know if he will want to celebrate as I have no idea what state of mind we will be in. I however, do know that that whole week will be full of so many emotions.

It's Mother's Day this weekend. What can I say? I'm a Mummy which people don't realise. They feel that because my babies aren't here, i'm not a Mummy and it angers me so much. Mother's Day will NEVER be the same as Lola and Lukas will always be missing but I will never stop loving them and being a Mummy to them. Craig and I have decided to have a night in a hotel. I still want to celebrate Mother's Day but on our own. I don't want to have the day with anyone else. Just us and Lola and Lukas will be with us every step of the way.

So here I am, struggling on physically and mentally wishing things were very very different.

Operation and Recovery

2012-03-04T12:17:00.001+00:00

Waking up the morning of my operation, I feel nervous. The surgeon arrives early to discuss the procedure again. It's simple. Cut me open, push the stomas inside and re-join. It doesn't seem that simple though when the surgeon explains that due to the mass infection last time, there is a very high risk of bleeding, leaking and other serious complications. I know that they need to tell you, but 2-3 hours before the op is concerning to me. He tells me also that he will use different "special" sutures this time round which will be better cosmetically and for future pregnancy. I have no idea what to expect but assume that I would not have 61 staples this time.

The Aneasthetist arrives to discuss pain relief. I've already read in my information about epidural and can tell you, there was no way in hell I was having one. He recommended it immediately and I responded with a firm no. I explained that I had been scarred for life following a lumbar puncture at the age of 19. He then advised me that having the epidural would be the next best thing to not even knowing i'd had an operation. It would make me feel very numb and would make mobility for the next couple of days very easy, whereas the morphine would possibly make me feel sick, queasy and perhaps still in pain. It wouldn't feel anywhere near as bad as the lumbar puncture as the needle wouldn't be going into the spinal fluid space. I agreed with nervousness to go ahead.

Being taken down to theatre I think I became more nervous about the epidural than the operation itself. The surgeon came to see me on his was through and a simple hold of my feet on the bed was the little reassurance I was looking for. The epidural actually felt ok - when I say ok, I mean ok. It wasn't pleasant in any way shape or form. It was extremely uncomfortable but not painful. However as he was completing the final stages of this, I was starting to feel feint. My palms were sweating and I wasn't sure if I would be able to take any more. Thankfully he had finished inserting it and decided to lay me on the bed as quickly as possible and give me some anti-sickness through IV. As the heart pads were placed on my chest I knew it was time and a minute later around 10:25am I was under general.

I remember waking in recovery around 2:10pm. I wasn't expecting it to have taken so long but perhaps there had been a problem? Had they managed to join me back together? I didn't even have time to ask as pain swept through my body like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. At the same time it felt like I had something in my eye. I couldn't stop playing with it. A nurse was with me, telling me to calm down and be quiet and that the epidural would be working. I think she was implying that I was imagining the pain due to the panic of waking from the anaesthetic. I told her I was in pain and after 15 minutes or so of this continuing, she went on a break. I could see the other nurses nearby and not long after my nurse went out of the room, one was over to see why I was making such a fuss. She understood straight away that I was in pain. Moments later they were pumping morphine into me to help and at the same time, they were rolling cold things up my legs - I felt everything and shouldn't have felt a thing. Looking at my eye, it seemed that there was nothing there but it was driving me insane.

The next few hours were a blur. Jodi's Mum came to visit and used saline to wash out my eye. Nothing helped and it became clear that while my eyes were taped shut, an eyelash must have gone into my eye and scratched it. I slept for a little while and when I awoke, I could still feel it, but it was much improved. I had during this time been informed that my operation was a success.

I couldn't work out why I was hurting so high up. The surgeon came to visit Saturday morning and he explained that for better access, I had been cut higher up. It wasn't until the Nurse changed the dressings, that I realised how high it was. I had 2 2" scars which were sutured and then a large 10" vertical would which had been closed with steri strips.

I felt awful every day I was in hospital. Sick, dizzy, feint. I couldn't wait to leave and wanted to be home. The consultant had said perhaps Tuesday for discharge but when it came, he wasn't happy to let me go as i'd had a bad 24 hours of feeling sick and having high temperatures. I was finally discharged on Wednesday 22nd February. I wasn't feeling well but I had to get out of there, so I didn't say anything.

Apparently my recovery would be easier this time round. I can only say no to that. I think because I had Lola and Lukas to think about last time round, I didn't notice how sick I was. This time I found the pain excrutiating. I'm aware that I have been much more mobile whilst in hospital this time due to not having the infection but that is the only thing. In August 2011, I didn't care. I just wanted my babies. I still want them now and want them with me 24/7.

I've been writing this blog post for several days now. I'm now starting to notice big differences in recovery. Since Friday 2nd March, i've noticed an improvement in mobility. I've been speaking with a wonderful lady in Canada who is in a similar situation. Although she wasn't pregnant, she too had a ruptured appendix and has an ileostomy which she is hopefully having reversed tomorrow (5th) and I wish her all the luck in the world.

Admission Day 2

2012-02-16T09:19:00.001+00:00

After a fabulous weekend in Cardiff for the Rugby, i've had the biggest stoma nightmare ever. Returning on Sunday evening we decided to have a Chinese. Chow Mein, pancake rolls and chilli beef.

Monday I had no issues until I ate spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. Whilst eating it, I had huge amounts of watery fluid pour into my bag. A couple of hot and cold sweats later i'm thinking I have a stomach bug. Not great timing I know but still, I hoped it would be over by the morning or maybe the following evening. No. I have eggs on toast Tuesday morning and again, water pours out. Bearing in mind that i've had to get out of bed every hour to empty during the night, even after taking some immodium.

I decided to contact the stoma nurse at the hospital. When she called me back I explained everything hoping that it wouldn't effect me going in today. No pain, no vomiting and no real nausea apart from the slight sweats and a little sickly feeling which lasts only a few minutes at a time. I think i'm blocked which is why I called. It can be dangerous and a partial blockage means you get a high watery output and get very dehydrated. No pain, no vomiting. Stoma nurse is as baffled as I am and advises me to take immodium and drink lucozade and thinks that my ileum is over acting. I still think I have a blockage, but I take some immodium anyway. It has no effect whatsoever (although it probably does internally). Ending the phone call, I tell the nurse that I will see her at the end of the week. Clearly this needs to be sorted before as she said, well, lets get you sorted first and call back tomorrow if nothing changes.

Wednesday comes and each time I eat, more and more water comes out. I can't keep up with the fluid loss. I'm frantically looking on the internet for solutions to blockages. Hot tea? Nothing and the more I eat, the more water comes out but at the same time, i'm getting more and more blocked and making everything worse. By Wednesday evening, my stoma is about 2-3 times it's normal size indicating that it is swollen due to a blockage somewhere. The blockage apparently is usually right near the stoma and it can unblock by placing your finger inside. I feel sick just writing this now but I decide that I have to give it a go. It certainly wasn't the nicest experience i've ever had, that's an understatement. But it doesn't work. I can't feel anything. I didn't really eat dinner as I was getting quite worried about today. Returning home, removing my bag once more, I get in a hot bath hoping it will get things moving. Nothing much comes out. It's quite watery and I try the finger method once more.

Placing my third bag of the day on around 11:45pm, i'm worrying more and more. I can't get to sleep but about an hour later, I start feeling a little uncomfortable. I realise that solids are coming out. Not much, but some. Due to the shape of the stoma and the fact that part of the blockage is clearing, my skin is showing and starting to itch due to burning. I contemplate changing my bag yet again, but I can't. My skin is so sore. During the night and early morning, some of the blockage clears. I have no idea if the whole blockage has cleared or not, but I can only assume that three days worth of food, has NOT come out.

I'm on my second cup of tea this morning and haven't really had much output. I have no idea if it is because the blockage has cleared completely and I didn't really eat last night. I'm going to shower without the bag on and see what happens.

Jodi is picking me up at 12:15 so we can have some lunch before we go in. Hopefully this time tomorrow, the ileostomy will have gone.

It's so draining

2012-02-09T12:03:00.001+00:00

Why are emotions so draining? GUILT ANGER JEALOUSY and many more emotions are so present everyday.

I just want to be able to express my feelings openly to everyone. I want to tell them how s*!t I feel ALL the time. Yes I laugh sometimes but the thoughts never disappear so please don't think i'm fine because I had a giggle. I have a feeling of guilt each time I laugh. I want to tell the world that I feel like this but it's so hard. People don't even mention Lola and Lukas. Is it because they think I will get upset? Is it because they don't want to see me upset? Do they not want to upset themselves? Can they not discuss Lola and Lukas because they aren't dealing with it?

Personally I couldn't care less if people can't talk about them to me, because of their own feelings. They aren't feeling anywhere near as bad as I am so why shouldn't they talk about my beautiful children. Yes I will probably cry, but crying is good. I hate the feeling of going out somewhere and Lola and Lukas aren't even mentioned. I then become scared and worried to bring up their names because I can't see why people don't talk about them. I want to talk about them, I want to share my experience. This is why it now becomes easier to meet new people. Not just people from SANDS because I know I can bring Lola and Lukas up at any time and a complete understanding is always there. Strangers might ask, "Do you have any children?" my answer will be "yes but they died". If people ask, I will show them pictures of Lola and Lukas which I have on my phone. I'm proud to be their mummy and I want to show them off. Yes, years ago it wasn't discussed, Mothers and Fathers didn't hold their dead babies. Pictures weren't taken of them and they were expected to grieve alone. Things have changed. I would give anything to hold Lola and Lukas again, but if I hadn't held them in the first place, I would always long for that feeling.

For the people out there who think that visiting their grave every week is unhealthy, perhaps you can't deal with what's happened? Yes we go to Kingsdown every weekend and sometimes I go in the week. So what? As a Mother I need to feel close to my children, as anyone else would, it just happens that my babies aren't here with us.

I live now to enjoy outings with SANDS and people from SANDS. The monthly Quiz in Highworth, the support meetings at the end of each month and the coffee's and chats with the Angel Mummies and Daddies. It's the comfort of knowing that we all feel the same.

I want people to ask me how I am and not just to get on with their daily lives and feel that they can support me if I want it. Of course I want support but I don't want to burden people with my problems. I need you to ask me how i'm doing. If I say "i'm ok" realise that i'm just saying that and at that particular time, perhaps I don't want to talk about it. But, I will talk sometimes. When I say "i'm ok" don't assume that i'm over it, i've dealt with it and i've moved on. It's hurtful. Send me a message asking if i'm doing ok and if I need anything.

Don't tell me time is a healer. We all know that but time won't make it hurt any less. Just say, I hope time helps you to cope and it hurts a little less. It's the same thing I know, but saying things in such a different way makes a huge difference.

The support meeting was amazing last week. Such a difference from Christmas. We made a memory jar for Lola and Lukas. It's beautiful and takes pride of place in our lounge. We became closer to people in the group. People who I already regarded as our friends, but now I know more about them and being able to have a conversation about Lola and Lukas and their babies and their experiences, made me feel more connected. But we also talked about other things, the Rugby and jobs. Back in a circle again we talked about this years fundraising and activities. We have lots going on this year. Gardening day and then a planting day at the SANDS Memorial garden in Swindon, a visit to the National Garden in Staffordshire. The charity ball in November time which last year raised around £4000 and the charity ball in July, of which one of the charities is Swindon SANDS dedicated to Diana's baby boy Joseph.

Below is a picture of our beautiful jar in memory of Lola and Lukas

The leader of the group commented to me on how nice it was to see Craig talking. He wasn't talking necessarily talking about Lola and Lukas, but just generally chatting away.

It's a week to go until I am admitted into hopsital again for my operation on 17th February. Craig asked me how I feel about it, was I still nervous. Yes. I'm going out for Pizza tonight with some of the Mummies. I think most of us are feeling like we are in a bad place at the moment. We all have our good days, perhaps even good weeks but it seems that at the moment most of us are feeling angry and upset. Some of us with our situations, some with people. It's a nice way to have a social evening before my operation. Craig and I also have tickets now for the Wales vs Scotland game at the Millenium Stadium on Sunday. I feel this is a good enjoyable event to enjoy before my operation. I can't help reading stories about people who have had their reversals and are having eating/bathroom issues. I will remain positive but aware of possible problems.

I read an article this morning which I have posted the link to below. A brave woman sharing her feelings and experience of losing her 3rd child to sillbirth.

http://m.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/22/losing-iris-stillborn-sarah-hughes?cat=lifeandstyle&type=article

It's all too much

2012-01-31T17:39:00.005+00:00

I honestly had no idea how hard my birthday would be. Don't get me wrong, I had a lovely day. I had a nice lunch with Jodi in Marlborough and some lovely presents but when I got home I just broke down. I still had to go to my brothers for a tea and then Pizza Express for dinner. What I really wanted was to just get into bed and hide away from the world.

I've still got another 2 weeks and 2 days to go until my admission into hospital (again). We've been joking that the surgeon has gone skiing on his holiday and that he's probably going to break his leg and not be able to do my surgery upon his return.

I'm currently baking cupcakes for tonights support meeting. I've been out with Jodi as it's her sisters 18th Birthday today and with Jodi's birthday tomorrow, i'm having lots of distractions this week. The meeting is desperately needed though. I feel that I need more support than ever before.

Time to ice the cakes before I leave.

Happy Birthday

2012-01-30T08:14:00.002+00:00

Things should have been so different today. I should be enjoying my 1st birthday as Mummy to Lola and Lukas. Instead i'm sat here wondering why things have gone so wrong.

It was the Sands Quiz last night and once again it was a really fab evening but i've just woken up today feeling a little down. However, Jodi is taking me out today and i'm determined to have a nice time. Once of the Sands Mummies just messaged me to say that Lola and Lukas would want me to enjoy my day.

Craig got up this morning and told me that it had been snowing and was disappointed to see only a little dusting on the cars. As i'm writing this though, it has started snowing again and I don't know if it's ever snowed on my birthday before. Even last year in New York, it snowed over the weekend but by the time my birthday came it had stopped. I'm hoping for a little more than a sprinkle but it looks too wet.

At least I now have my op date confirmed. I finally received a letter on Saturday confirming my new date of 17th February meaning admission on 16th. I just can't believe how badly i've been treated and how long this has taken. It's time i've lost and won't ever get back.

Time to get ready for my day as Jodi will be picking me up shortly.

Do I Have The Strength To Carry On?

2012-01-24T16:06:00.003+00:00

It's been a stressful few days. How do you say to someone who should be there for you that in fact, they're not? It seems that if I want support I have to ask for it. Besides Craig, I only have support from one person. If it happened to her (god forbid it never does) I would also be there every step of the way. I don't have to ask for it and would never wait to give it if it was the other way around.

To be told that i'm over-sensitive and humourless hurt. Yes I am over-sensitive but not humourless. What I was trying to say was that the things which annoyed/annoy me have always done so and not because i'm over-sensitive. The reason i've decided to say something is because of what i've said before in past blogs. Life is about Craig and I now and I want people to stop criticising , judging and telling me what I can, can't and should /shouldn't be doing. I should be over it. NO I shouldn't. Being back at work will help. MAYBE but I can't go back until I feel ready to. I had given unofficial notice to return and was actually forcing myself to return at the start of March. I don't feel ready but money unfortunately is dictating that I go back asap.

I found out yesterday that my surgeon is going on holiday this Friday for 2 weeks. Craig phoned the hospital angry that i'd still not been given a date for my reversal after my op was cancelled last week and told that he will be away.

The surgeon rang me last night to apologise for me not having had the op. Still no date though only that he will try to get me in asap. It won't be this week I don't think - apparently he wants to be around for my aftercare in the hospital which is around 7 days and then he will need to see me around 2 weeks after for follow up. I'd got myself ready for the op mentally and then thinking it would be soon after and now I have no idea. Will it be in 2 1/2 weeks meaning 4 weeks late?

The only blessing is that I won't be in hospital on my birthday. It means I get to go to the SANDS pub quiz on Sunday, my birthday is Monday and then the next support meeting is on Tuesday.

I was feeling fine this morning. I popped out to the post office and on the walk back was thinking about everything. I decided to get the memory boxes out and take pictures of everything in there.

The above is the casts that the hospital did of Lukas' hand and feet (they only did one hand)

These are Lola's.

They are so small. I haven't looked through the memory boxes for some time now. I'd forgotten just how small the casts are but also how beautiful they are.

These tiny little hearts were given to us by SANDS Bristol. To be honest this is really the only thing they gave us apart from the leaflets. Such a difference to Swindon. No memory boxes, teddies or anything like that. Still, these hearts are lovely and wrapped around them are Lola and Lukas' hospital wristbands.

These little bears came in our memory box from Swindon SANDS.

These two hats are the ones that were given to Lola and Lukas immediately after birth and we decided to keep them in our memory box rather than in their coffin with them.

As you can see the table is full of photos and memories which I keep in a special box.

Lola and Lukas Always Loved Never Forgotten xxxxxxxxxx

No Ileostomy Reversal This Week!

2012-01-20T08:39:00.001+00:00

I had to ring the hospital as no one bothered to contact me. After being cut off the phone and re-connected, I have now been told that the operation will not be this week.

I'm ready for it now. If I hadn't had an appointment already I would have been fine and happy to carry on as I am. Apparently the hospital are trying to fit me in. When? I have no idea. The phone call yesterday gave me the impression that it might be Monday but when I asked what the possibility of that was, I was just told that someone will call me when something has been booked. I'm assuming that someone will have to advise me today (Friday) if it is going to be Monday. Doubtful that the booking people work on the weekend.

I'm angry and frustrated now. I would be in hospital for 5-7 days. If I have the op on Monday and stay in 7 days, I will be discharged on my birthday. If I don't go in Monday, the op could be the Friday or even ON my birthday. Of course I won't turn the opportunity down but it is annoying that I could possibly be out today or in the next couple of days and i'm still sitting here waiting.

I'm pretty fed up with some people at the moment. It's just so annoying when one little stupid thing sets the mood for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I'm fed up with people being judgemental and picky about everything I do. Who cares? Is it affecting you? No. So don't worry about it then.

I'm a different person now. I have the same personality but losing Lola and Lukas has made me realise that it's my life and I will not do something just because I feel I have to. It's brought to my attention just how much we used to do this and now I feel that perhaps not saying anything, has made it so difficult to get out of this situation. However, i'm sticking with it and I will not be beaten.

Life Is Too Short....But

2012-01-17T16:58:00.001+00:00

I managed to somehow shape and cut a new stoma bag without too many problems this morning. I was dreading it and thought i'd go through several bags until I got the right size. The area above the bag is very burnt and painful. I don't get this very often but for some unknown reason either the bag was penetrated or just not cut well.

I've bought a new car today. I'm losing my company car in March and will be getting an allowance instead. I didn't want to spend much money and thought i'd spend less than £1500. The allowance can then go towards paying the car off quickly. I decided I wanted something fairly economical and couldn't justify the bigger engined model for fuel, insurance and tax etc...

However, that changed this morning when I found a car in the area that was a reasonable price I thought i'd take a look and have a drive if possible. I liked the car and bought it. I've decided that life is too short to worry about it and hopefully it won't be for too long that I will be driving it to work. I drove home from the garage with a huge smile on my face, in fact the biggest smile on my face for 5-6 months. It doesn't last long though. I got home and sat down and then everything came flooding back. What would I prefer? A car or Lola and Lukas? I know it's no comparison and in reality they aren't even options to choose from. I would give up everything for them to be here right now I really would. I have so much love for my children but they aren't here for me to show it to them. Wherever they are, I hope they can see how much they mean to me.

I can laugh and smile but then I remember they aren't here with us :-( xx

Photo Memory

2012-01-16T13:40:00.001+00:00

I thought I would put a couple of photos on today.

My handsome little boy Lukas Harrison Evans born and died 12th August 2011 xxxxxxxxxx

My beautiful little girl Lola Louise Evans Born 12th August 2011 and died 16th August 2011 xxxxxxxxxx

Longer to wait

2012-01-16T13:31:00.002+00:00

It was supposed to be my Ileostomy Reversal Surgery today. Yesterday should have been the last time I would ever have to change my stoma bag.

Everything was going to plan. I was admitted at 2pm yesterday and had an enema around 8:45pm. I'd also been told that my surgery was first on the specialists list so I would need to be ready for around 8am. I had quite a bad nights sleep as my room was chilly and the cannula in my arm was in an awkward place and hurting. I had been asked to set my alarm for 5am as the nurse would be in to give me another enema before surgery and then I would have to get showered and in my gown. I'd also drunk 1200litres of a special drink which would hopefully help me heal from surgery quicker. It would build me up before hand.

I was ready and waiting for someone to come and collect me to take me down to theatre when, another Nurse came in and told me that my specialist had just called in sick. His days surgery had been cancelled. Thankfully though, I was advised that I should come in at 2pm on Thursday ready for surgery on Friday morning. I'm just waiting for them to confirm.

Craig came to collect me around 9:15am. I've kept my bag packed just incase!

I will now have 2 more stoma bag changes unless I need to change it for a leak. I have however, thrown away my stoma template meaning that I will have to try and cut one out. I haven't done this for a while as my stoma stopped shrinking a couple of months ago. Thinking about it, I should have asked a nurse to do one for me before I left. It's certainly not the easiest thing to do on yourself but I will have to do the best I can.

I'm not angry about it, at the end of the day there isn't anything I can do and getting angry will not help at all. I am a little disappointed and now more anxious than before. I'd rather the surgeon not operate on me if he is sick, I just hope that they can confirm for Friday as soon as possible.

Being in hospital was however, a reminder of August. I had to explain my circumstances to a Doctor and a Nurse and then on the night shift, one of the staff nurses from the ward I was on when I had Lola and Lukas, was brought in for shift change. We both recognised each other immediately and it all came flooding back. The last time I went in for surgery, I had them both safe inside.........

Admission Day

2012-01-15T09:58:00.002+00:00

Today is admission day for my Ileostomy Reversal. I've just got to finish packing my bag this morning and then after lunch we will go to the cemetery to see Lola and Lukas and go straight to the hospital from there.

Unless any plans change, this morning will be the last time I will have to change the ileostomy bag and mucous fistula dressing. It does seem very weird. I've only had the bag for a little over 5 months but it seems like i've had it forever and not in a bad way. It's just become such a big part of my life that it feels very normal for me.

I think however, it will be nice not to have something stuck to my skin for 2 days on end. My skin round that area is quite red and sore and it definitely needs some breathing time again.

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember

2012-01-12T20:18:00.000+00:00

I've just found this on a member of Sands' Facebook status and decided to post on mine and also on here. Clearly no 20 has some relevance to my post earlier today.

‎20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't
think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and ...talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my
baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14.I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable.

15. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

16. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

17. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

18.I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

19.I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

20. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me

I just hope people read it and take it on board.

What Is The Point?

2012-01-12T15:19:00.003+00:00

Just 2 more full days left until I go into hospital and yet again people seem to be excited for me getting rid of my ileostomy bag.

Last night we went out for a meal with Craig's parents in the end. His Mum rang before Craig got in from work and said that I didn't sound as chirpy as I did the night before. I'm trying to be honest with people so of course my response being that sometimes even if I sound chirpy, i'm not and that i'm just putting on a brave face/voice. She said that after Monday it will all be fine and that I can get back to normal! Normal? If family don't realise the pain comments like this cause then who will? She said I can get back to my normal self! What happened then? I couldn't speak. I had a lump in my throat so big I thought I was going to suffocate. The moment I put the phone down the immense amount of tears came. I screamed for 20 minutes until Craig came home. Of course I didn't want to go out then. I just wanted to hide away in my bed and not worry constantly about spending the rest of the evening with people who have clearly forgotten that their grandchildren have died and don't think about what they say. Is it not obvious that my life will not be as it was before? I have my Lola and Lukas in my heart and head 24/7. That heart is broken in two and Lola and Lukas have taken a piece each.

Life will never be normal. Normal is what it was before. Our lives will never be the same. Clearly i'm having a rant today. I keep saying that i'm going to be more honest with people and more honest with this Blog. I am honest on the blog but I miss things out in the worry that the people I mention will read it. Well I actually don't care anymore. I don't care if those people confront me about it. At least they will have read what i'm angry and annoyed at.

I'm having a tidy up today. I've made a lasagne for the freezer and been cleaning and tidying. I've also made a list of important things for Craig. I've listed where all the important documents are in the house. My life insurance policies, my bank details and anything else Craig should need to know - that I love him being the most important. Instructions for my final goodbyes. Not nice I know but I have a feeling that it needs to be done so i'm going to crack on and do it.

Only a week to go...

2012-01-09T13:03:00.000+00:00

Last week picked up a little. I had a visit from one of my Angel Mummy friends from Sands. It's nice to spend time with people who understand. Not long after Dee left, an offer of tickets to the Panto came from Jodi. In the end, 17 of us from Sands went and had a really good time. In fact, it was the best night i've had since before I went into hospital. I didn't feel guilty about laughing. Probably because I was in the company of people in the same position.

It's a week today for my ileostomy reversal. I have to go in on Sunday but the op is on Monday. I'm a little nervous still but looking forward to getting rid of the bag. Only because it means we can try for a baby soon. I'm still worried about the pain, the recovery and the recovery of my bowel. I have so many questions in my head and a bad feeling overall. I'm very positive about everything and wouldn't normally think anything like this which is why i'm so worried. I just have this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I cannot explain. I don't know if it's that something bad will happen or whether my recovery will take longer than expected. I suppose we will have to just see. I just hope they cut out the original scar and make a new one. It's bad enough as it is without having double. I've also seen some horrible stoma scars where they are pitted. 2 nice white lines will be fine but not an inverted stomach! I'm worried about being able to put on a bikini! I suppose I shouldn't worry about what others think but I can't help it.

I'm still in the routine of changing my dressing over the mucous fistula every day and every other day I change my bag without issues. Sometimes I change the bag every day. If I use too much adhesive remover when taking off the dressing, it can penetrate the bag also and rather than worry about a leakage I change that too. When I changed my bag and dressing yesterday I had

I've made a couple of enquiries for headstones this morning. Crying as I sent off the internet requests. Why do I have to even think about buying a headstone for my babies? They should be here. They should be smiling now and I should be posting pictures of them on Facebook. I will never get to see them smile, crawl, walk, talk or play together. After I found out I was having twins, I was looking forward to seeing them develop together, play with each other and keep one another company. I couldn't wait to see them in their cot sleeping side by side and I could just imagine them running around together and sticking up for each other when they got older. I can only dream of these things now and it hurts so much that i'll never get to see these things. I want and need them here with me so much.

Choosing a headstone is difficult. It has to be the right one. We can't afford to buy it just yet but we need a price so that we can think about saving for it. I also have no idea how long it will take to make after we've ordered it. Maybe we can order it now and then by the time it's ready, we will be able to pay for it.

When we buried Lola and Lukas we knew that a headstone couldn't go down for 6 months after. At the time it seemed like a lifetime away but now almost 5 months on, I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. That just sums life up I suppose. Time flies and you have to make the most of it. That's what we were doing. Having children. Making the most of our lives, but now, I every day, I think of what would have been and what could be isn't really in the picture. Thinking of what could be to me, means moving on. I need to move on without forgetting and I know I will never forget but I don't want them or anyone else to think that we've just gotten on with our lives. There it is again. Worrying about what others will think.

Bad Day

2012-01-03T16:50:00.004+00:00

I'm having a seriously bad day. It's 3rd January and Craig has gone back to work, as have most others.

I have no idea why i'm like this today. There hasn't been a day gone by that i've not cried or thought about what i'd be doing now but today is different. I can't stop. Maybe it is because Craig has gone back to work and for the last week or so i've had company during the day. I'm not consciously thinking about it but it's the only explanation I have.

I know i'm going to have bad days like this. I just want to go to sleep, wake up and this nightmare to be over with. That's never going to happen though is it? I'm going to have to find some way of living with my broken heart. At the moment, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel that people keep telling me is there. Time is a healer apparently. Death has always affected me, but when you have memories of people who have passed on, I now know that it's much easier to find a way to live without them. You think of those fond memories and it helps you get through the grief. Losing a baby or babies in my case, is much more difficult. I've lost my children and I don't know how to cope.

I just can't get over other people's comments and thoughts. I want to scream at them and make them understand that even though they think what they are saying is helpful, it's really not.

Here are a few examples of things people have said:

1: At least you know you can get pregnant/You'll have more children one day

Unfortunately this has been said to me a couple of times. Yes I was able to get pregnant and with twins. Does that mean that I should just go on and have other babies and they will replace Lola and Lukas? That's how people make it sound. I've also had major surgery which can effect fertility and I had such a major infection that may have affected it. Until we try for a baby we won't know. We want to have more children, but not one of them will replace Lola and Lukas so please don't say that to me.

2. I think you should go back to work so you can have some normality in your life/being at home doing nothing can't be good for you

Have you somehow transported yourself inside my mind so you know that me being back at work will be helpful? I understand that people deal with this grief in their own way but for me, being at home and taking time over this, is more helpful. I don't want to deal with work and then every evening come home and grieve because i've needed to but can't at work!

3. You're still with us, it could have been so different

Yes I nearly died but the way i'm feeling right now, I couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. I'm alive but my heart is totally broken and I have to live with that.

4. It's always going to be difficult when you see a pregnant woman, a newborn baby or a pram but you can't get away from that and you have to deal with it.

I know this. When I tell you that I find it hard when I see these things, please don't just say that I have to deal with it because it is inevitable. I've told you what I think because i'm looking for you to say kind words to me and i'm clearly trying to talk about it. Don't just try and move on to something else.

There's plenty more. These just came to my mind whilst writing.

So far, most people have just carried on as normal. To us, it seems that they have forgotten what's happened and carried on as if Lola and Lukas never existed. I want people to talk about them as they will always be a part of me and ignoring them will just ruin the relationship I have with you - it's already starting. I feel that certain relationships are starting to dwindle.

On New Years Eve, we managed to set off some more lanterns. In November when we tried, it was too wet and windy and although we didn't get many off, it was a nice evening. This time, it was just the four of us. There is a park right by Ash and Jodi's house and we managed to get 3 lanterns off safely. I can't explain the odd feeling when the lanterns headed towards the cemetery. I know the wind just happened to be blowing in that direction but as soon as the first went, I couldn't believe that it was heading straight towards Kingsdown. It's about 3 miles as the crow flies but we could all tell that's where it was going. It was a lovely moment. We've decided that we will arrange it again for the summer when the weather is better.

The picture above isn't great unless you know what you're looking at. The light in the middle of the 2 centre lights is the heart shaped lantern. All the other lights are just street lamps. As you can see it's quite far away and not long after this photo was taken, we couldn't see it anymore.

Shine brightly little ones xxx

not sure what to think today.....

2011-12-31T10:24:00.000+00:00

It's New Years Eve and i'm just thankful for Ash and Jodi. I wouldn't want to spend today and tonight with anyone else. I've never been a fan of New Years Eve anyway, to me it's just another day. This will be the fourth time we have done the same thing for New Year and I quite enjoy it. Jodi and I will make a dessert and then the boys will make the starter and main course. If Lola and Lukas were here we probably would have done the same thing but at our house instead. We will do it at Ash and Jodi's so that Charlie can go to bed whenever. I do keep wondering what it would have been like if they were here, chaos probably but that's what we were expecting and that's what we were looking forward to.

I'm just about to get ready before we go shopping for the ingredients. I'm reading all the facebook status' about the new year and although 2011 wasn't so great for us in the end, the first 7 months of it were probably the best of my life and I don't want to put it behind me. 2011 brought me the most beautiful two babies and although they aren't here with us anymore, I can't just move into 2012 thinking that 2011 was the worst year of my life.

I'm going to take on today as if it was any other and enjoy my day and night with my husband, best friends and godson.

Haven't posted for a few days....

2011-12-30T23:06:00.000+00:00

I haven't managed to post on here for a few days. Each time I think about doing it, I don't know what to write. Sometimes I worry about writing exactly how I feel but then think that really it shouldn't matter. The whole idea of writing the blog in the first place was to get my feelings out. Perhaps being told by someone who I thought would be of help to Craig and I, that the blog is stupid, it won't help me or others has had an affect on me. It shouldn't I know, but it makes me so angry.

This keeps playing on my mind. I feel it's good to get my feelings out there and there may be someone else who is in my situation. Every baby loss story is different and perhaps every ileostomy story is different. I'm sure though that someone may find it good reading. Well maybe.........

My ileostomy has been a bit of a nightmare the last few days. I've not had much sleep and now when I wake up in the middle of the night, i'm so tired that I try to go back to sleep. I lay there for several minutes knowing that I have to get up otherwise my bag will burst and i'll be up even longer. It's just that Christmas usually comes with some alcohol. I haven't had very much at all but the slightest amount makes everything much worse to deal with. It means emptying the bag about 3 times more a day..... I'm already emptying it around 2-3 times in the day and 2-3 times at night.

Craig and I haven't done much the last few days. We have been to the cinema though to see the new Mission Impossible and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Both were brilliant. It's nice having him at home and when he goes back to work next week, it will be only 12 days before I am admitted for my reversal operation. I'm feeling a little different about the op now. I'm still very scared about it all including the aftermath and recovery but now that I know it's being reversed, i'm quite looking forward to getting rid of the bag. I've said before that the bag doesn't really bother me and it doesn't but, I think even though I knew it was temporary, I didn't care about getting rid of it because I didn't have a date like I do now.

I'm not sure what Craig is going to do about work. I think it's probably best that he doesn't take any time off until after i've been discharged from the hospital. I'm hoping to be well enough to be able to read books that I have to finish (have a Kindle and want to read my paperbacks) and perhaps have enough visitors and then he can just come and see me at 6pm on his way home from work. He doesn't have much holiday left so i'd rather have him at home with me for a few days. Until this morning when I was cutting some bags, I hadn't quite thought about how many days there are left until I get rid of it and now writing this, I know that my operation is on 16th Jan so there is only 17 days to go. It still seems like ages away but I think it will go quite quickly.

I now have to start thinking about going back to work. It's funny how you can manage financially when you need to but this month although we will manage, has been the hardest and next month etc.. will be very hard. I suppose going back to work as soon as I am fit enough is the only option financially speaking. I'm no where near ready emotionally. People keep telling me that I will get bored of being home and that going back to work will be good for me because it will help me get back into the swing of things. I can't stand hearing that! Stop telling me that getting things back to normal will help me get over what's happened. Stop telling me that once my ileostomy has been reversed I can start my life again and try for a family again. It's really not true and it's not what I want to hear. NOTHING will help me get over what's happened, EVER. Craig and I will never ever get over what's happened, we will just have to find a way to live with it - we all have. I know though that people will be happy to move on. They're "all sad about what's happened but we have to keep going". This was said to me the week that Lola and Lukas should have arrived officially. A week which was so hard for me to get through and to hear this from someone who to be honest, I didn't expect it from, was awful. Craig and I aren't upset, we're DEVASTATED and I thought these people should have been too. Maybe it was meant to make me feel better about myself or maybe they can't deal with what's happened at all and forgetting about it and moving on is their way.

I wrote this on October 5th to try and make people understand that because we don't grieve in front of them, we aren't grieving or hurting.

Just because we don't cry or talk about things in front of you, it doesn't mean that we've dealt with Lola and Lukas' deaths or that we aren't grieving.

We are just trying to get on with our lives - we aren't trying to forget what's happened, but this is the way we are dealing with it. If we don't get out of bed every morning, go out and see friends and family and try to do normal things, we will break down. We didn't choose to grieve in this way, this is just the way things happen to be. We do our grieving in our own time behind closed doors. We still think of Lola and Lukas 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

We do feel however, that this seems to be giving people the impression that we are over this tragedy. In reality, this tragedy will never get easier to deal with, only that we will find a way to live with it. We will always wonder why this has happened to us, or what we did to deserve this and we know that we will never find this out. Things always happen for a reason, but this reason will never be made apparent.

It's been almost two months now and it isn't any easier. In fact, it seems to be harder - especially as the pregnancy due date approaches. Then it will be Christmas and birthdays that we have to deal with, without our children.
It certainly doesn't get better every day like people keep telling us it will, we might get stronger but it doesn't make anything easier and we certainly won't think or love our children any less.

Only others who have lost children will understand how we feel, but Mothers and Fathers should know how it felt to see and hold our children for the first time. No one should ever have to go through this in their lives, but unfortunately we are.

We will always think of our little angels, they will never be forgotten.

Rest In Peace Lola and Lukas.

Sleep tight xxxxxx

A few people picked up on it and commented but the people who I wanted to read it, either didn't or they just didn't get it. I think they also disapprove of the facebook group i've set up. It's a totally private group where i've shared pictures of Lola and Lukas. I was told that I shouldn't look at pictures of them because I get upset. Um hello? Does that mean that you shouldn't look at any pictures of any of my relatives who have passed away because I will get upset? Whats the difference? Everything these days just makes me so angry and I really want to tell people how I feel. I seem to be quite selfish now. For one thing, this has made me realise that life is about Craig and I and our own little family. If we want to include Lola and Lukas in our lives, we shall. When their baby brothers, sisters are born, they will grow up learning about Lola and Lukas. Just like Jodi is happy to put up pictures of them in their house and how when we take Charlie to the cemetery we explain to him why we are there.

I'm starting to cry now and it's quite late. I think I could go on and on for hours tonight but i'm tired....... night all. Night Lola and Lukas, love you loads xxxxx

25th December 2011

2011-12-26T10:27:00.000+00:00

Christmas Day was very hard. Lola and Lukas had a wonderful card from their Auntie Jodi, Uncle Ash and Charlie. I placed it in plastic wrapping so that we could take it with us and leave it at the cemetery.

Craig and I opened our presents. He bought me the Kindle which I wanted and I didn't really have any money so I bought him a James May book which he loved. Lola and Lukas had bought me a present which Craig wanted me to open with them at the cemetery.

We gathered up all our gifts and left for Kingsdown. The cemetery was very busy and I thought Christmas Eve was busy! Craig opened Lola and Lukas' card and I then wrapped it and placed it and the one from Ash and Jodi on the grave. I opened the gift from them which was a cuddly giraffe (I have a thing about giraffes).

No one else had sent a card to Lola and Lukas or put their names in any of the cards for us. To be honest i'm a little upset. To keep their memory alive we have to include them every day and if we don't people will forget about them and I don't want that. I'm just so grateful to have the most amazing friends. It just seems that everyone else doesn't want to think about them.

Jodi knows that Christmas was going to be hard and she appreciates that we see Charlie all the time and have continued to keep him in our lives.

One of the girls from Sands said a couple of weeks ago that she is worried that people saying to her about getting this awful year out of the way and starting again will mean that people will forget what has happened.

We got home around 7pm and I felt totally drained. We'd had a really nice day but I still thought about Lola and Lukas as much as I normally do. We watched some tv and then went to bed around 11:30pm.

so so tired.....

2011-12-25T09:08:00.000+00:00

I had quite a sleepless night the night before last. I had to empty my bag 4 times in the night and it was full each time. Sometimes when I wake up, I think that i'm too tired to do it! I sit there for 5 minutes contemplating whether or not I should get up but in reality I know that if I don't, the bag would burst.

It didn't really feel like Christmas Eve yesterday. Craig popped out for a little while and then we went round to Ash and Jodi's as they asked if they could go and see Lola and Lukas with us. Jodi's sister has been in Australia for the last 6 months and is home for Christmas and asked if she could come too. We went to the baby garden first and then wandered down to the grave site. Craig and I placed some tinsel on the grave for them and Amanda had brought some flowers. There were so many wreaths and Christmas decorations at the cemetery. So many flowers on the ground.

Ash and Jodi gave us a card for Lola and Lukas. We will open it this morning and then take it to the cemetery and place it with ours.

Christmas Eve Eve........

2011-12-23T23:18:00.000+00:00

We've just got in from Charlie's little party. I can't believe he's a year old! Where does the time go?

The SANDS service at Holy Rood Church was lovely. I did have a moment but I suppose it had to come out although it's not the first time today. We lit candles for our Angels and collected beautiful gifts from the tree. It's quite upsetting to see so many candles burning for our babies. A couple of the girls came back to the house for a cuppa which was really nice.

I know when i'm in the company of the group, that no one will say something which might upset me. It's nice to hear, I hope Christmas is gentle or peaceful rather than Merry Christmas. We all know that's not what we want to hear.

After a lovely hour or so, Craig and I had to go and give Charlie his birthday present. After the SANDS service, I started to feel more at ease about going and by the time we got there, I was fine. Obviously it wasn't this that made me so upset today although, seeing Charlie's face light up when he opened his presents made me think about Lola and Lukas. I always think about Lola and Lukas but certain moments make me wonder about what it would be like to see them open their presents or see their little faces at Christmas.

After Charlie went to bed, we stayed for a little while chatting like usual. It's always the same. We say we are going to leave soon but the conversation just keeps going - we are never tired of this.

Time for bed now but just thought i'd share a photo from the service this afternoon.