My Journey from Fat to Fab!

Can we talk about my feelings now?

2011-06-09T22:39:00.001-07:00

I feel disgusting. I hate my body so so so much. In our bathroom in our new apartment the bathroom mirror is almost directly in front of the shower. Every time I get in or out of the shower I have to see my nasty fatness in the mirror. I just want to cry. Then I see Trevor and I wonder how he could ever find me attractive. How does he hug, cuddle, kiss, hold, and for that matter make love to me without vomiting? How can anyone look at me and not see this giant, gelatinous blob rolling around? I think maybe, just maybe if I can lose all this weight people will like me better. Maybe Trevor will love me more, maybe we'll make love more often. I know I'll happier once I lose this weight. I'll actually be able to love myself and believe that I'm worthy of love and being liked.

June 2011 Goals

2011-06-01T07:57:00.001-07:00

Weight: 260 pounds

-Lose 10 pounds
-Use the pool at least 5 times
-Get a job
-Go to the gym 3 times per week
-Do a workout DVD twice per week
-Get cell phone turned back on
-Do 100 crunches per day

Back in the saddle... AGAIN!

2011-05-23T23:33:00.001-07:00

So, I've been away for a long time. I'm back and here to stay. I'm buckling down [for good this time] and dropping this stupid weight.

I have a lot on my plate right now.

We just moved to our new apartment. I'm unemployed which sucks. It's putting a lot of stress and strain on our relationship, especially since we went to out the bed in our room yesterday and found dust mites in it, so we have to get a new bed. Trevor can't afford a new bed at the moment so for now we're sleeping on the futon mattress on our bedroom floor until we can get a new bed. I'm desperate at this point. I'm willing to accept anything at this point. I'm going to start donating plasma twice per week, which will get my between 50 and 60 dollars per week, which isn't much but it's 50 or 60 dollars per week than I'm making right now. Plus, that money on top of the income of a part-time job will help a lot. Especially since I want to get all of my medical debt paid off by the end of this year. The plasma money will almost cover my rent every month, which will be a big, big help.

I need to drop this weight. I'm tired of feeling ugly and fat and disgusting and worthless. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I was in a best friend's wedding last weekend and I almost vomited when I saw the pictures. I look like such a flabby, nasty, mess. I want to be hot and I want to be sexy, according to my wonderful boyfriend that I do NOT deserve I am hot and sexy, but I want to feel it. I want to see what he and all the other people that tell me I'm beautiful see when I look in the mirror. I'm not happy with the way I look. I weight 30 pounds less than I did when I started this whole journey and I look at pictures to compare the "Before & After" and I can't see any difference.

Here's a picture from the wedding:

I've described it as "Fat Clown Hooker". Ugh, another best friend is getting married in October 2012, I WILL look better for that wedding, I will look AMAZING for that wedding!

I also want to lose weight for drag. I have to wear a binder shirt for drag and the excess fat on my back, chest, and stomach squishes up underneath the binder and looks very square and weird. When I lose weight, hopefully the box effect won't be so severe.

So, I took a break in the middle of writing this blog post to go work out with Kayla. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes and then did strength training for arms and legs. I'm feeling really fired up about this. I know I'm going to be very, very sore in the morning but I'm so glad I made it to the workout room today. I can't wait to go tomorrow, and Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday.

I just weighed in for the day. I've gained some weight back. I weigh 255 as of today. I'd like to lose 30-50 pounds before 2011 is over. Ideally, I'd like to lose 50, but I feel like that might be a bit excessive. I think 30 is a good starting point, and if I lose more than 30 before the end of the year, hey, I'm not going to complain.

My plan:
*Spend 2 hours per day applying for jobs (equivalent of 6 applications submitted)
*Work out in the workout room for 30 minutes per day 5 times per week
*Do a workout video 5 times per week
*Go on a walk once per week
*Once the pool is open [yes, we have a pool] go swimming or lay out in the sun for at least an hour 3 times per week
*Once I get a job, pay off my bills and old debts, THEN... get new sexy, "skinny" clothes and start dressing the way I want and treat Trevor like a prince, the way he deserves to be treated

Lose 50 Pounds in 2011 (Or what's left of it anyway)

2011-05-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

Staring weight:
5/23/11= 255

June:
6/06 =
6/9 =
6/13 =
6/20 =
6/27 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

July:
7/04 =
7/7 =
7/11 =
7/18 =
7/25 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

August:
8/01 =
8/08 =
8/15 =
8/22 =
8/29 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

September:
9/05 =
9/12 =
9/19 =
9/26 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

October:
10/03 =
10/10 =
10/17 =
10/24 =
10/31 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

November
11/07 =
11/14 =
11/21 =
11/28 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

December:
12/05 =
12/12 =
12/19 =
12/26 =
12/31 =
Total= -?.?
Running total = ?.?

Pounds lost in 2011!!!
Total= -?.?

Crazy Ramblings

2010-09-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

In the words of Bethany Dillon : "I wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart and be amazed. I want to hear you say that who I am is quite enough."

I know this is a religious song but I like to think of it as a song about general beauty, inside and outside. I am beautiful on the inside and the outside but I know I can be so much more beautiful when I can look in the mirror and see it. Nothing is more beautiful than a happy person that is finally accepting of how they are. That is what I want: to look in the mirror and LOVE what I see. I have days where I look in the mirror and I like what I see. But, like isn't good enough for me. I want to be in love with the way I look, not in a vain or conceited way, but in a way where people can see that I love myself. In a way where I can be healthy enough to love others properly. In a way where I can be comfortable enough and love myself enough to fall in love. My self-esteem/body issues have held me back for years. I'm always afraid to be rejected because I'm the fat girl and if I am rejected I write it off as being because I'm the fat girl. I also find myself being attracted to "unattainable" people. If I already I know I can't have them, then when I get rejected it's because, "Well, they never would have liked me anyway, because I'm fat". No more. I want to be confident enough to walk up to someone and not feel uncomfortable.

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm off to bed.

Goodbye Fat and Hello Fab!!
Love,
Addy

My Transformation Plan

2010-09-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of plans for my body and myself in the coming years. I'd thought I'd share them with my readers and friends. Feel free to sound off or ask questions. I'm doing this ALL for myself and for no one else. I want that to remain perfectly clear to everyone before I tell you all my plans. I'm doing all of this to make myself feel better and to look the way I want to look to be happy. I know that my friends and family love me the way I am and I don't NEED to change a thing. They're right, I don't, but I want to.

Here's the plan: [Yes, these things are going to happen in this order.]
1) Get down to my goal weight (130-150 pounds)
2) Maintain that for 1 1/2-2 years
3) Get my nose fixed. I'm just getting the bump on the side and top of my nose removed.
4) Boob job. I want Cs or small Ds. Plus mine are set too far apart (I can't have cleavage, it looks funny) and are already very saggy at 20 years old. I can't imagine what they'll look like when I'm 40 if I don't fix them soon. I'm going to lose boob weight as I lose more body weight and they're going to shrink. I want them biggish and fixed.
5) Laser hair removal. If I accomplish #1 and #2, I deserve to mot have to shave and wax anymore.
6) Porcelain veneers. Permanently white, perfect teeth? Yes, please.

I'm so excited to hit my goal weight and start my transformation. I don't want to look fake, I just want to look good. If I get to where I want to be and feel I don't need or want these things, then I won't go through with them, but for now this is what I want.

You're amazing just the way you are

2010-09-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

Hey all. It's been a while. I've been busy with working and now, with school.

Guess how much I weigh??????

*Drum roll please*

240 pounds! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's 36 pounds lost. I never thought I'd make it to the 20 pound mark, and now I've almost doubled it. Now I only have 110 pounds. I CAN do this! I WILL do this! I HAVE TO do this!

Now, for the bad part. I can't tell the difference, other than the numbers of the sizes on my clothes are going down. I still look in the mirror and see this girl that weighs almost 300 pounds. I'm so terrified that that feeling will NEVER go away. What if I get down to my goal weight (130 pounds) and still see this fat load in the mirror? I know it won't be a waste of my time but, it just feels like I'm going nowhere. It's discouraging. I keep asking myself, "Will I ever get there?". I want this so badly and it's slowly becoming more and more within my reach. It's so scary. I've been fat for 20 years and someday soon I won't be anymore. It's mind-blowing. I really want to see what I'm going to look like thin. I'm scared that my face is going to look different. I'm sure it will look the same, just thinner but I've been looking at this face for years. Ugh. This journey is so complicated.

I made a weight chart for my dorm room wall. It's on a giant poster board and I hung it up over my bed so I always have to look at it for motivation and a reminder of how well I'm doing. I bought those circular moving/garage sale stickers that come in green, yellow, and pink to mark my progress with: pink if I lose, yellow if I maintain, and green if I gain. So far there's two dots on the chart, both are pink. :D I'm hoping to keep the chart to only pink and yellow dots but I know there will be some green ones on there and I will move past those big, ugly green dots and collect more pink ones.

The top dot is 249# and the next one is 243#. You can see my "Wonder-Wall", as I like to call it. It's all beautiful women to keep me motivated. I have Megan Fox, P!nk, Rihanna, Beyonce, Marilyn Monroe, Kim & Khloe Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Katy perry, Shakira, Eva Mendes, and Leighton Meester on the wall so far. Plus, I have pics of Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, and Kim Kardashian in my closet (where I keep my food). So that way I have to look at them everytime I want (or "want") a snack and actually have to think about it, instead of stuffing my face.

So, I'm currently waiting for my loan money to come in so I can go get my gym membership and work out 5 times/week with Connor and Amanda. I'd like to lose 15 pounds by my birthday (January 6th), which is in 16 weeks. That's put my at 225. I really wanted to weigh under 200 by my birthday but plans change and I need to lose slowly so I can maintain my weight once I get to where I wanna be. I think 15 pounds in 16 weeks is reasonable.

This is my workout plan:
45-60 minutes of cardio 5x per week
Toning workouts on my closet door/Ab work 4x per week
Plus the walk over to the gym, not sure how long it is but I'm dreading it.

On Sparkpeople.com I'm participating in a Biggest Loser Challenge. I'm on Team 5, the FAT SMASHERS. Our challenge is, instead of 'Before' and 'After' pictures, we were instructed to pick out a piece of clothing that doesn't fit or that we want to fit us better by the end of the 8-week challenge. I chose my new jeans (Size 18s, thank you very much. I haven't worn a size 18 anything since the 11th grade and those were almost painfully tight on me.) that I bought just before moving up St. Cloud, which was about 3 weeks ago. Every week we have to take a picture in the garment and, hopefully, by the end of the challenge I'll have to hold those jeans up for my picture. Or, since I'm silly and sometimes inappropriate, I'll just let them hang around my knees or wherever they happen to fall. Here is my week 1 picture:
And, yes, I did post this on my SparkPage. I got a comment about how brave I was to post it. I'm not brave enough to put it directly on Facebook, once I'm down a little bit more weight, I'll be braver and add them to my weight loss photo album on Facebook, as a look back to where I used to be. I'll be posting one of these every week for the next 6 weeks. I'm so excited to have these to be able to take a look back and see some progress. Once I start working out, the weight is going to just melt off. I know it. Plus, Amanda knows how bad I want this and I know she'll kick my ass. (I've never been more scared or more excited. Well, I have but we're not going to talk about that here.)

In the BLC, we have a pledge and it just makes me smile. So, I decided to share it with whoever reads this blog. :)

The Pledge:

I Pledge that during the BLC I will...
...be good to my body and fill it with healthy foods and enough water to drown a fish.
...treat myself and my teammates with kindness and RESPECT.
...weigh in every week, no matter if I lost, gained, or stayed the same.
...follow ALL of the rules of the contest, and ask my group leader if I have any questions.
...ask for help and support when I need it, and give others help and support when they need it.
...NOT give up on myself or my teammates, no matter what!

So, there is this song on the radio that I am just obsessed with. It's by Bruno Mars and it's called "Just the Way You Are". Here are the lyrics and a link to the music video. Make sure you watch the music video, it is really cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk
*DISCLAIMER: I do not own this song or video. All rights go to Bruno Mars and his record company.*

Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are. Yeah.

I just love this song. It's so nice to hear this instead of big booty hoe songs. I want to find a guy that could sing this song to me and mean EVERY SINGLE WORD. That's what I want and I don't want to settle for anything less than that. While I am losing weight and planning other cosmetic changes for myself in the future, I am doing those things for myself, not for a guy. Preferably, I'd like to find a guy that loves me just the way I am BEFORE I do the procedures, but, life doesn't go according to your plan. I agree that beauty is on the inside and in the eye of the beholder, but there is something to be said for physical attractiveness. That's what usually draws two people together, one finds one attractive or they find each other attractive. I know that I'm beautiful, don't get me wrong, I'm a beautiful woman. I just can't wait until my body matches my face. I can't wait until I have a beautiful, new body that I'm not constantly trying to keep covered or hide. Not that once I'm thin I'll be running around naked, but it'd be nice to not constantly make sure my shirt isn't riding up in the back or that my arm fat isn't hanging out of my sleeves. I can't wait. Well, I have to but I'm just so excited. :)

Well, I'm just over 7 months into this life changing, mind altering, terrifying journey. I've lost 36 pounds and 3 pant/dress sizes. I'm looking forward to (but not at the same time) losing even more weight and taking control over my body and my life.

Thanks for reading! I'll be trying to update this more often!

So Long Fat, Hell-o Fab!
Love,
Addy :)

Week 2 Day 2- Oops, Sh*t, My bad

2010-07-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today was just awful. I go tup on time and got to work early, that way I could leave early. I got to work, ate breakfast (which was a good breakfast and gave me a horrible stomach ache), and worked for a while. Then people started asking about my day every 5 minutes. Then one of my co-workers who thinks it's ok to touch or poke me everytime he walks past my desk walked by and touched me and I just lost it. After that, I spun into a full-blown panic attack. I tried my best to stay calm and pushed through it for about an hour. Finally I jus asked my boss if I could go home, luckily for me, she was okay with that.

On my way home, I made a stop at my tanning place to try and get a little peace and quiet and some Vitamin D, which usually makes me feel better. It helped a little. I got to do the level 5 bed today. That thing looks like a spaceship. It was so fun. Then I headed home.

Today was a bad day, foodwise. I just ate myself sick. I had dinner around 7 and I am done eating for the day. Maybe even the week, ha.

My dad is doing much better. Thank you all so much for your love and support for him and our family. He can't have surgery on his collarbone for another 7-10 days so the sweeling can go down but he should be coming home tomorrow.

Right now, I'm about to buy Season 1 & 2 of "True Blood" and the "Insanity Workout" on ebay. Right now the "True Blood's" bid is at $0.01 and the "Insanity Workout" is at $0.99. I'm really excited. That almost $300 dollars of product for probably less than $5.00. The Insanity auction ends tomorrow night and the True Blood one ends in two days. I'm so so so excited. I also found a MAC 120 Palette for $9.99 with $7.00 shipping. The 15 Palette is $179.00 on MAC's website so this is a killer deal. I also found a queensize mattress AND boxspring for $25 (in MY city) on craigslist. I'm going to email the seller before bed to see if I can buy it from them on Saturday. I get paid on Friday but I work later than my credit union is open, so I'll run and get money on Saturday before they close.

Well, I have to go now. It's almost my bedtime and I have a few chores to do before they get home tomorrow. Goodnight all!

Sending my love and support your way!

Goals for Week 2 (7/25-7/31)

2010-07-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start setting weekly goals for myself. Breaking them up will make them easier to achieve and more manageable.

- 6 Walks
- 1200-1500 calories
- 4 workouts
- 40 hours of work
- Blog everyday
- Lose 1 pound

Starting Over- Week 2

2010-07-25T17:51:00.001-07:00

Week 1:
Last week was just weird. Between Sunday night's drama and on Mondaywhen I had a panic attack and that was kind of the catalyst for just a terrible week. Friday was a great night. I had a bonfire with my boys and had a few beers and just an all around good time. Things with that guy are done being awkward. Last night he and I sort of had a talk. Yesterday was good too. Kate came over and we took Cocoa on a walk and then we went to Richie's and hung out with him and Sasha. Then Kate, Richie and I went to the drive-in and saw Salt (so good), and part of Inception (good so far). We were too tired to finish Inception but we're going to go back soon. It was such a fun night.

Week 2 Day 1:
So far Week 2 of starting over has been not so good. I got home around 1:30 and didn't fall asleep until around 5 or 6 AM. Then I woke up around 10 AM to a text message from my mom that my dad got hurt during his first race this morning. He's still in the hospital. He broke his collarbone, a few ribs, and one of his lungs sort of collapsed. He's going to be fine. He's having surgery tomorrow to help the collarbone heal faster. He should be home tomorrow, maybe Tuesday. My mom is at the hospital in Rochester with him, my dad's mom and her husband brought the dog home, and my Nana is coming to stay with me and Cocoa for the night. If they don't come home tomorrow then I'm gonna have my mom's friend, Erin, take the dog until they come back. She offered to take her tonight but I think I can handle her.

Week 2 Day 2:
Tomorrow I'm going to work, then tanning on my way home. Then I'll come home, feed the dog, take her on a walk, watch some TV, make and eat dinner, shower, and go to bed. Ugh, this is going to be a long week. I'm going to be going on walks and working out everyday. It's going to be 6 longs days.

I've been getting really excited about being skinny. I have 110 pounds left to go. I just can't wait to watch guys look at me "that way" and not just being the fat girl anymore. I'm getting more and more sick and done with being the fat girl. I feel my fat and get mad. I just want it gone. I can't believe that it took me 20 years to get so sick of it and to finally do something about it. I'm going to be literally working my ass off for the rest of my life so I never have to look in the mirror and want to cry and/or puke again. I'm sick of having to constantly be pulling at my clothes so that no skin is exposed. I'm sick of wearing a size that is higher/the same number as my age. I'm sick of being twice the size of my friends in pictures. I'm tired of being the pale, flabby one. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being buddies with guys. I'm sick of not having girls be jealous of me. I'm sick of hating my body. I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of never feeling good and I'm sick of not loving myself. I'm sick of never feeling like I'm good enough.

For now, I'm going to get my notebook and work on my goal/dream book. I'll update you guys on them when I finish them.

You know what to do, just bust a move

2010-07-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

This is my Facebook status at the moment, it makes me laugh. And it's so true. This is pretty much all I think about all day.

Top 5 Things that I think about everyday:
5) My excerise for the day/what I've eaten
4) My friends
3) Sex
2) The musical
1) How great I'll look when I'm skinny.

Ha ha ha. Today has been alright so far. Except I feel crappy, but that could be because I'm weak and had two Arby's melts and two potatoe cakes for lunch. I've already gone over my calories for the day. Dammit all to Hell.

Oh well, it's just one day. Oh wait, it's the second day. We went to Taco Bell last night and I had two Chalupas, a soft taco, and Libby and I split a burrito. Ugh. I know that this shouldn't ruin my whole day but I'm so disappointed in myself. i'd been doing pretty well all week. Tomorrow will be better.

Now I'm just debating if I should eat a small dinner or none at all. I'm already well over for the day so I feel like I should skip dinner but if I do I'll probably be crabby and I'm hanging out with my friends later and being hungry and exhausted from working a 10 hour day will make me turn into an evil bee-otch. Luckily, some of my friends find it funny when I'm mean because I hardly ever am.

I did, however, find my new favorite lipstick last night. It's by MAC Cosmetics and it's the Viva la Glam! Lady Gaga lipstick. It's bubblegum pink and I love it. Once I have the money, I buying like 17 of them.

Heaven isn't too far away, we're closer to it everyday

2010-07-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a short blog. I have to work early and I'm very tired.

I did well with food today until dinner, then I binged. I still feel sick.

I went to the mall with Libby, Amber, and Landon tonight. We went to MAC in Macy's and got our makeup done. I posted a picture of mine. It was awesome. The girls picked out my colors and I looked like a "sexy circus clown", which was my request.

I didn't get to go on a walk today, but I will tomorrow.

I went tanning after work. I got to do the level 4 bed. It was like a bed on a spaceship. It was so much fun.

I'm finally doin' me and it feels so right

2010-07-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day, two in a row. That's a streak! Ha ha. I got up, ate a big breakfast, went to work, came home, took Cocoa on a walk, stretched, did some ab work, made dinner, and did the dishes. Now I have to switch loads of laundry, take a shower, get ready for bed, and go to bed. I'm so tired I think I might fall asleep in the shower.

I ate a big breakfast today and I could actually feel a difference. From now on I'm going to eat 500 calories for breakfast, 400 for lunch, 300 for dinner, and 100 for a snack everyday. I've read that it's best to eat a bigger breakfast, a little bit smaller lunch, and your smallest meal of the day should be dinner. That makes sense. You need more calories early in the day to wake up and give you the fuel to get through the day and at night your metabolism slows down in preparation for sleep.

For breakfast I had Cheerios (1 cup) with milk (1/2 cup) and a peanut butter sandwich (2 slices of white bread and 2 Tbsp of natural peanut butter. For lunch I had a buffalo chicken wrap and french fries. I didn't have time for a snack today. For dinner I made chicken enchiladas. Delicious. I'll probably have some for lunch tomorrow. They were so good.

I took Cocoa for a walk today (2.12 miles). It was so hot. I'm surprised I didn't sweat through my clothes. She was difficult again today. She pulled the whole way and I had to pretty much drag her the last block or so because she wanted to eat every rock, leaf, bug, or whatever else she found on the ground. After we got home I stretched for about 10 minutes and then I did some light ab work (100 crunches and 5 leg lifts). My legs are so tired. I'm so tired.

I'm not going to be able to go on a walk tomorrow because I'm going over to my friend, Libby's, for a movie night with her, her son Landon, and our friend Amber. I should be able to on Friday. I have plans but they don't start until 7 PM and I can be late. I'll probably go on my walk as soon as we get home from work and then as soon as I get home take a shower and then head over. Then Saturday for sure I will be able to fit in a walk.

Today was so good and so was yesterday which is fine with me. Especially after the day I had on Monday.

I drank a gallon of water today! It wasn't that hard and I didn't feel like I was forcing myself to drink it. I drank a lot after that walk. I was so thirsty and sweaty I drank 24 oz in about 5 minutes.

My head is starting to hurt. I'm going to go take some naproxen and shower. Then it's off to bed for me.

Night guys! Sending my love and support your way!!!

And I'll fight... like a girl

2010-07-20T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. That's what I needed, especially after yesterday. I got up and went to work and had a good day. My mom let me know on the way to work that I had to find a ride home because she had an appointment after work. My dad picked me up at 3:45 which kind of sucked because I've been trying to get as close to 40 hours per week as I can and I lost 1.5 hours today. I can make them up tomorrow-Friday so I'm not too worried. Just an extra half an hour everyday. I can handle that.

I had Taco Time Pizza from DeLeo Brothers' Pizza in Woodbury, MN for lunch. So delicious.

I went on two walks tonight. One for each dog. We only have one dog but we're taking care of my uncle's dog, Marley, while he's on vacation with his kids. I am so tired I can barely hold my head up. I'm thinking of being in bed by 10:00 tonight just so I'm well rested for work and my workout tomorrow.

I had salad for dinner. It was probably the best salad I've ever had. So yummy and it filled me up, but it was only 402 calories. It was the perfect dinner and after a hard, sweaty workout.

Today was a nightmare.

2010-07-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today started out horribly. I woke up an hour early to a text message from my best friend informing me that her ex-boyfriend hit her last night. What a great start to the day, huh?

Then I got to work and was exhausted and had a headache all day. My mom and I fought throughout lunch, that was fun. Then around 3:30 I started to feel weird. I got really hot and sweaty. Then I started hyperventilating and my heart started pounding. Then the tears started welling up. I left my desk and ran into my mom's office and broke down. I haven't had a panic attack in months and this one was by far the worst. My headache got much worse after that.

On the way home I dozed off for most of the ride. Then we got home, my mom took the dogs to her friend's house to run and play. I ate dinner and then went up to my room and laid down. I fell asleep on and off for a few hours. Then Kate came over and we ran to the gas station and had a cigarette together. She brought me some taco pizza from her work. It smells delicious. I'm bringing it to work tomorrow for lunch.

I'm too tired to write more tonight but I'll write a nice, long blog tomorrow.

"A goal without a plan is just a dream."

2010-07-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

My uncle Mike has been saying this quote to our family every ten minutes since each of us were born. It has made sense over the years but yesterday, at our annual family reunion, someone said it and it just clicked for me. I have all of these goals for myself and very few plans to achieve them. Over the next few weeks I am going to sit down with a notebook and at the top of each page write the goal and then use the rest of the page and/or next page/s to list EVERY single step I need to make to accomplish it. As I accomplish each goal/step I can cross it off the notebook page.

I've decided to cut dairy out of my diet completely. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be lactose intolerant. Every time I eat too much dairy or mix more than one kind of dairy my stomach gets really upset or I get sick. I'm going to try it for three weeks and see if it helps. It's going to be a very sad and angry trial since my favorite foods all contain some form of dairy. I'm bummed because this means no milk, cheese, yogurt, cream cheese, etc. :( My mom is helping me search for coupons and good deals on soy/almond milk and other lactose free substitutes.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

I love myself today, not like yesterday

2010-07-14T19:31:00.001-07:00

I found another great workout song. "I Love Myself Today" by Bif Naked, it's loud rock and it pumps me up. Music is such an important part of my exercise routine. It gives me more energy and makes time go by faster.

Today was a good day. I didn't fight with my mom at work. The day did start out negatively though. My grandma came over this morning while my mom and I were getting ready for work to use our washing machine and dryer (she can't go up and down the stairs to use the laundry room at her apartment complex). She bought us breakfast, which was nice, however, she got it from Burger King. She got me a Bacon, Egg, & Cheese Croissan'wich, Hash Browns and a Chocolate Iced Coffee. The coffee was delicious but the food didn't even taste good to me, and yet I ate all of it. When I got to work I calculated the calories. I ate 950 calories for breakfast, breakfast alone! I was so angry with myself and later I got so sick to my stomach that I was in the bathroom every five minutes. I didn't eat too much for lunch and what I did eat was healthy. Then I went a little crazy at dinner time. I had a piece of frozen peanut butter pie and I'm about to make myself a sandwich.

I was going to take the dog on a double walk tonight but it was 100 degrees with 100 humidity when we got home. I couldn't even breathe when I was standing outside, much less walk 4 miles.

I forgot to do my laundry tonight. Oh crap. It's ok, I can do it tomorrow. I'll come home from work, take the dog on our walk, and before I leave I'm going to throw in a load of laundry.

I was not built to break, I didn't know my own strength

2010-07-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today was a very difficult day. I spent the first two hours of work trying not to fall asleep at my desk. Then, I had some iced green tea (brewed) and that perked me up until lunch time. Then we ate lunch and got back to work. I worked until 4:15, then my dad picked me up and took me home because my mom had an appointment for this hair study she's doing after work. Then we got home and fed the dog. After that, I took the dog for a walk. It went very uickly today but it was so unbearably hot. It took about 50 minutes and we even stopped at the tennis court at the park. I let Cocoa run around in there for a while to burn off some extra energy. Then we came home, Dad and I had dinner, and then I came up to my cave (bedroom) and watched TV and chatted with friends. Then my mom came home and we got into a HUGE fight.

I'm so sick of living here with them and their stupid dog that doesn't listen. Only 39 days until I move back to school. Then i have to find a good job so I can find a place up there for next summer so we don't have a repeat of the past two months. I'm so sad that I can't move back home for my first 21 summer but that's how life goes when your parents hate/resent your entire existence. They hate my clothes, my friends, my car, my job (not my paycheck, though), the things I choose to spend my time doing, everything. It's so frustrating. They don't listen when I talk and when they do they constantly interrupt me to yell at the dog or do something else.

I'm so tempted to just disappear into the night with all of my stuff, however, I have to vehicle to run away with and my car isn't big enough for all of my stuff. I'm so frustrated. This is how I was feeling before I started school last fall/winter, trapped, suffocated. I need to get out of here. I'm stuck.

I'm tired of being controlled, belittled, harrassed, disrespected, used, bossed around, etc.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I just won't speak to either of them unless I have to. That might just be the best option for everyone right now.

It's really sad that it had to come to this.

Ugh! Argh!! Ah!!! Frick!!!!

2010-07-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

This was a horrible evening. I got off of work and we came home. Then I borrowed my dad's car and went tanning. Then I left the tanning salon and started to drive home. Then I got in a car accident, in my dad's car. (Note: I got rear-ended. I'm fine and the damage to the car was minimal.) Then I came home and made dinner. Then I waited for my parents to get home with the dog so we could go on a walk. They finally got back and I got yelled at for the car situation. Then I was so upset and it was too dark to go on a walk. Now I'm frustrated and exhuasted.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

When I'm walking on sunshine, I can see your halo

2010-07-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe that it's 3:30 already. This day has really flown by.

I'm really motivated today. I'm actually looking forward to the first day of Addy's Summer 2010 Fat Camp Boot Camp. :) I'm going to be so tired tonight and so sore tomorrow but it is going to be so worth it.

I only have an hour left of work for today. Then, my mom and I are driving home and I'm going to run upstairs and plug in my iPod for my walk with Cocoa. Then, I'm borrowing my dad's care (because mine is broken, which I will explain below) and running over to Darque Tan to get my tan on. Then, I'm coming home, walking the dog, doing Pilates, and stretching. After that, shower and dinner. The rest of the summer is going to go by really fast and I'm going to be very busy.

I'm just so excited and motivated. Once we get back up to school, my friend, Amanda, and I are going to do P90X together. I'm so excited. Plus, she lives in the farthest dorm from me. So, I'll get extra exercise on the way over to her place.

My car is a pill of crap. When I moved home I didn't have money or a job so I didn't have gas in the car so I had to get rides everywhere. Then my tabs were expired for most of the month of June so I couldn't drive it. Then, two days after I get the tabs put on, I find out that my front passenger side brakes are shot. So we fixed those. Now, the brake line on the passenger side of the car is rotted out and the car won't stop. I've been able to use my car for about, I'd say two weeks out of the summer thus far.

I'll blog again after my epic workout tonight. :)

I'm gonna celebrate and live my life

2010-07-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 251.5 pounds! Only 1.5 more until I reach my goal for August 2nd!!! I'm hoping that I can get a jump on my September goal, 240 pounds. I've lost 24.5 pounds so far. I'm so happy and so giddy. I'm so so so motivated to keep on pushing towards my goal weight. Only 101.5-110.5 pounds left. It seems like a lot but I know that it's gonna feel like it happened in a few minutes.

I can't wait to be thin and fit. I've figured out that once I have the body I want, I am going to be a force of nature. A force to be reckoned with. I'm smart, beautiful, fun, and with the body I'm working for I will be unstoppable. I am so looking forward to it.

I started going tanning again. I love tanning. I have to wait to go again until tomorrow because I got a little pink on Friday. The UV rays really help elevate my mood and tan skin looks better than pasty skin.

I've been trying to figure out rewards for each of my weight loss goals.

08/02/2010: 250- Lip piercing
09/02/2010: 240- Pedicure
10/02/2010: 230-
11/02/2010: 220- Tattoo
12/02/2010: 210- Nose Piercing
01/02/2011: 200- New Dress 4 BDay
01/06/2011: 199- Antieyebrow
02/02/2011: 190- Hair Apt w/Lynzy
03/02/2011: 180- New Bedding
04/02/2011: 170-
05/02/2011: 160- SCSU Sweatshirt
06/02/2011: 150- Tattoo
07/02/2011: 140- Party

Anyone have any suggestions for 230 and 170???? I'm having a hard time thinking of rewards for those.

Not sure how to react

2010-07-08T19:14:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been hearing different feedback about my appearance and I'm not quite sure how to react to it. I know that I'm losing weight and gaining confidence but sometimes comments still sting/shock me.

1) "BBW Club (Big, Beautiful Woman Club)"- My friend, Joe, (who couldn't be sweeter to me and has made it clear that he doesn't care about my size that he thinks I'm beautiful) refers to me and my best friend, Kate, as the "Big, Beautiful Women Club", which I'm sure he means as a compliment. However, Kate is not as big as I am. She's 5'2" and I think she weighs about 160 pounds. For some reason, this comment stung. Yes, I am big, and I am beautiful, and obviously I'm a woman. I don't know why but this has really been bothering me. I think it is because it is coming from a person who claims that my weight isn't an issue for them, and it seems to be a focal point now.

2) "Yeah, you were huge."- It's always great hearing about how much better you look when losing weight but hearing that you were "huge" before doesn't help. I still feel huge. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this giant, gelatinous blob where I always expect to see this beautiful, thin girl (that's how I feel I look), then I just want to cry or vomit because I am seeing what other people see when they look at me. No wonder I get rejected.

All of this aside, I've been having a great day. My neck (whiplash) is much better, still hurts but it's getting there. Work went by quickly and I'm feeling super motivated to lose this weight. I went on a 2-mile walk with Cocoa after I got home from work.

Starting today I am giving myself a partial "Do-over" on the diet and exercise plan. I'm going to go at this hardcore. I'm taking the next 44 days and turning them into "Addy's Summer Fat Camp Boot Camp 2010". I'm going to be militant with myself.

"Addy's Summer Fat Camp Boot Camp 2010"
Walk everyday
Pilates MWF
Ab Routine TThSa
Eat 1300-1500 Calories per day
Drink 64 oz of water everyday
No soda
Stretch everday
Blog everyday
Spark everyday

An upbeat, inspired, productive Saturday

2010-07-03T17:01:00.001-07:00

Today has been a good day. I've been getting things done and making plans for my future. It's been a good day so far.

This is what I've accomplished so far:
-Moved my bed
-[I'm in the process of] reorganizing my bedroom
-Doing a massive amount of laundry

I still have to:
-Do the dishes
-Clean the bathroom
-Pilates
-Go on a walk
-Clean my room
-Put away laundry
-Clean out closet

As I said before I've been making plans for the future to. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want out of life and what I need to do to get it.

What I want:
-Nice car
-Nice house
-Lose weight
-Live in Ireland
-Fall in love
-Marriage
-Kids
-Successful career
-Dying an old woman with very few/no regrets

For the first time in my life I look at that list and I feel confident that I can have everything on it and also so much more. I'm really looking forward to getting on with my life. I'm really looking forward to becoming the woman that I know is living somewhere inside me. A year ago, sitting here in my bedroom looking at that list and looking at the chaos that have overtaken my usually fairly tidy bedroom would've overwhelmed me to the point of hysteria. Now, I feel calm and happy looking at the mess that is my life and my bedroom, because I can see the bigger picture. The big beautiful picture that will be there once I get it all sorted out. There might be some things [or people] that I don't need anymore that I'll have to get rid of to make room for the things [or people] that I do. In my life, my heart, and my bedroom there might be space being taken up by things, people, old relationships/friendships that I don't need, don't want, or have no use for anymore. I'll have to put those things in the pile of things to be disposed of and move on. I'm looking forward to having room to organize my life and fill it with the things [people] I need.

Funny how I can turn a simple chore into a metaphor for my life.

Thanks for making me a fighter...

2010-07-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

This song makes me feel so good. It came on my iPod while I was walking with my dog and I just started grinning and running. Everyone that has ever hurt me, this song is dedicated to you.

"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

After all you put me through
You'd think I despise you
But in the end, I wanna thank you
'Cause you make me that much stronger

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going round
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
No more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own this video, the song, or the website that has posted it.

The video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
?v=PstrAfoMKlc

4 little pounds destroyed my planet.

2010-07-01T21:50:00.001-07:00

So, I'm laying in bed sobbing. I had a bit of an upset today. I weighed myself and I gained 4 pounds. Now, I know that it's not world ending but when added to the other things going on in my life it's just too much to handle right now.

I'm so sick of my job. Don't get me wrong, it's a great job, the pay is incredible, and I adore the people I work with but I work almost 40 hours per week. I never get to see my friends. I'm going to get back to school and be burnt out instead of refreshed and ready to go. My main problem is that I want to pack a ton of friend time into my weekends because they make up a majority of my free time but my friends either work or don't want to hang out. It's frustrating.

I'm so hurt. That guy I mentioned. I'm pretty sure he was just using me (I'm not pretty sure, I'm 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure)and I'm pretty sure I knew that from the very beginning, subconciously, but I let it happen anyway. I'm just ashamed that I could be stupid enough to think that he would like me. I mean, I'm FAT AS HELL and he could have any girl he wants. I just caught him in a desperate moment. I can't act hurt, I have to act like nothing happened and be normal to save the friendship. WHY? If he cared enough about our friendship he wouldn't have started something he didn't want to finish! My best friend doesn't get it. She gets every guys she wants (and even some she doesn't want) and she's so unattached. I envy her. I wish I wouldn't get attached and could just let stuff happen and then push it away like it never happened. Ugh, I can't believe I let this all get so far.

It just sucks feeling like you're never good enough. When people pay me compliments, I don't believe them. I'm convinced that they're just being nice or can tell when I'm self-concious and are trying to make me feel better. I know it sounds messed up but I feel like getting down to my goal weight is the answer to everything. I keep thinking, "Well, maybe if I was thin, he'd want/like me." or "If I was thin, I would ACTUALLY look good and quit lying to me." I know it's wrong to think this way but losing weight is my ONLY shot at being happy and having a "normal" life and falling in love and getting married and having babies (if I even can [more to come on that])

On the upside, I went on a 4-mile walk with Libby and Landon today. :) It was great. I ran into my ENGL 191 teacher from SCSU while walking around the lake. It was so weird. I'm so tired but I'm proud of us for doing it. I always have fun walking and working out with Libby. She had a baby three months ago and is trying to lose weight too, not as much as I am, but it's nice to not be in this fight alone.

That's why I'm glad I have you guys, my SparkFriends, to help and encourage me. :)

Well, I have to work at 8:30 in the morning so I'm going to go to bed now. Sorry for the extra heavy subject matter tonight guys. I feel like it's going to be like this for a while, at least until I start losing again. I'm going on a walk AND doing Pilates when I get home from work tomorrow. I'm going to be aggressive with the calorie counting and exercising from now on.

I WILL BE THIN. I WILL BE HAPPY. I CAN DO THIS. I DESERVE THIS. I OWE THIS TO MYSELF.

P.S. It's really hard to blog while you're crying, in case you were wondering.

P.S.S. I think I found my wedding song. Listen to "I'm Your's" by The Script. It's perfect.