My Kids Should Know

The World is going to end…NOW!!!(fizzle)…Now!(silence)…now?

2012-12-21T21:15:00.002-05:00

Near the beginning of this year, I commented on the Mayan prediction that the world was going to end as of today. The big disappointment is: either the world has ended and nothing has changed, or the world hasn’t ended and nothing has changed. As many of us have come to realize, natural disasters will happen, artificial disasters are the ones we create, yet the personal disasters spun off those natural and artificial seem impossible to overcome. It’s sad that “change” as a word has been overstated to the point of loathing, but it seems to me the one thing our society needs, individually and as a whole. We waited for the world to change, but the world is going to do whatever it pleases because it is neither man or machine – it is Nature. We, the People, are graced with the ability to adapt and upgrade ourselves to whatever means it takes for us to survive. The Land we stand on has been graced with over 200 years of modern resources to make our country the 2^nd largest producer and consumer of goods and services on the planet (Surprise – China holds the top spot). Our society was once the envy of every country’s people, and what is there to envy now? Homelessness, poverty, obesity, self-loathing, slovenliness, hoarding, infidelity, self-victimization, entitlement and murder. People once flocked to this country to be liberated from this persecution, and now we exact them on ourselves.

I’ve thought about the natural cataclysms and random acts of violence that have shaken our nation in the past 12 months, and it seems the people who scream loudest for change are the most likely to want it served to them and least likely to act positively in the best interests of themselves or the community. We can chant together for change and hope that it comes, or we can stop waiting for change and start making something happen for ourselves and for our nation. Very few things in my lifetime seem positively monumental to the social course of American history, and that is not the legacy I wish to leave for future generations. What becomes of our country depends on our ability to take the best ideas of the brightest imaginations, and not only integrate them into our society, but also to make them better.

Can we stop the sun from shining? Will the waves ever stop rushing to shore? Someday they will, but that’s not in our control. What we can influence is our destiny, with pride, persistence and careful planning. Let us not go into the darkness with fear of the unknown, but with unbridled zeal for an educated future.

Teaching kids how to cuss

2012-06-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

Whether you like it or not, at some point in your child’s life, s/he is going to learn how to use profanity, whether it comes from other sources, or like Ralphie in “A Christmas Story”, you, the parent, will be providing a front-seat show every time you have an uncontrolled rant. The embarrassing thing to me is that while my kids as toddlers may not have understood the meaning of the words, they were contextually correct when they were yelling at other drivers in heavy traffic. Fortunately for me, the windows were closed and I was the only one in the front seat, which made it easy for me to hold back any impression that I thought it was amusing or spot on in its assessment. Thankfully, profanity is still not “SOP” in their vocabulary and routine conversation, and I imagine it’s every parent’s wish that their children don’t end up working on a loading dock for the military or UPS. The pay was fantastic for the time, but the education was, well…wow. I never thought anyone could say something quite like that in a protracted fit of rage. Until then, I didn’t know that people could go from zero to thermonuclear in the blink of an eye. While I shouldn’t find it acceptable, I’m grateful that my childrens’ profanity has slipped out only when a situation seems profoundly ridiculous, and at that, those times are extremely rare. My father taught his kids that swearing is the mark of a small and unimaginative mind incapable of adequately describing a situation, which is also what I have tried to teach my kids, and if they felt the need to use such language, that they would substitute “cleaner” words such as “asparagus” or “sugar” or “shiitake”. Considering my experience, I believe my father was blessed not to hear the “colorful” remarks I’ve heard over the years.

In a sense, though, it’s kind of important that kids understand cussing. Better that they don’t actually use it, but I think people in general should be aware of when anger, confusion, and/or frustration are directed at them, as the situation could escalate to unnecessary violence. Cussing can be cathartic, then silly, then leading to a better mood and outlook, as long as you are the giver and not the receiver. I think most would agree that cussing is best served in the privacy of one’s own mind. That way, even if your kids do cuss (privately), their image in the eyes of others will remain intact.

A Father’s Day Message

2012-06-17T10:20:00.001-04:00

“The key to Immortality is first living a life worth remembering.”

Some of you might be familiar with this sage advice given by a legendary father, Bruce Lee. Because of his legendary status, many might be led to discount its meaning, but on this day of remembrance, I ask you, How will you be remembered? As a child, I remember my father not being home very much, and being a bit perturbed about it, but even then I knew him as the quiet, reserved man of great intellect and skill that many people revered him for. I always felt he was uncomfortable around children, which seemed kind of strange given his profession (he delivered babies to put his kids through college and fund our somewhat fruitless attempts at family businesses), until he met mine. In a way, I’m a bit jealous because it seems like he was really waiting for the grandchildren and grooming us to make it happen. It wasn’t until I finished college that the curtain was thrown back, and revealed to me that my Wizard of Oz was really human after all. I always respected my father, first because my mom said so (or else), then later because of the moving litany of how his life was unfolded to me, and how it ended.

My father was, as most people are in our beloved country, an immigrant from a far away land, looking for a better place in which to have a family and future. Many of you may be generations away from the days when homes had no electricity, air conditioning, indoor plumbing, and hot water bathing. Going to school barefoot uphill both ways in hand-me-down clothes when you weren’t doing chores to keep the house together - this was the life of my parents as children, and I am supremely grateful for the spoils they have given me here in America. He had to be something of an entrepreneur to afford medical school, so he would shoot pictures of people with his Kodak Brownie to fund his expenses. Often he was faced with the choice of riding a jeepney home hungry or making the long walk home with little or nothing to eat. Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I remember that my parents suffered a lot to get me indoor plumbing, hot showers, hot food, and air conditioning. It makes me work smarter to honor his memory.

My father would never take credit for the life he built “by himself”, because he firmly believed he never would have made it in America without his beloved wife. They kept each other going and helped each other be efficient at work and at home. They fought like married couples should – mostly about the important stuff and never in fear of losing love over a difference of opinion. Neither would he want to be remembered as a singular entity, because his wife was together with him in everything, except in dying, for which I am also grateful, because I don’t think I could bear such a heavy weight on my heart.

He left this world rather suddenly, and this will be the second Father’s Day we will celebrate without him in person. His impression is so deep on me that his spirit carries on, and despite his lengthy illness at the end of his life, I will always treasure that we were always able to laugh together like nothing else mattered, because in the end, being together with your family is all that really matters. Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

I think my own remembrance as “Dad” has the tank at about half-full. I have been calculating that my kids will be so full of me by the time they leave the nest, they won’t “need” me at the end of college or wherever life leads them, because they will be well-trained, well-balanced, and driven to succeed in whatever vocation they choose.

How will you be remembered?

Building Respectable Human Beings

2012-03-08T12:05:00.000-05:00

A dinner conversation we had not too long ago discussed the reason why my children are so attractive to their peer’s parents. My kids are still kids, but comparatively they seem better mannered, more focused on the current objective, and are open to either independent or team-oriented achievement. They are equally praised by their teachers and consistently earn high marks on their report cards. I know that I don’t shower them with as much praise as they would probably like, but I would have to be a complete idiot not to know what a blessing it is to have children that are healthy, smart, conscientious, well-balanced and ambitious, and for some reason, they love and appreciate me, too.

My kids are still kids, but I remind them constantly about how what they do now affects their future. I try to do this without applying too much pressure or guilt, and in fact, the pressure is really on me to keep this issue fresh in their minds without being overbearing. Everyone wants love and respect, but I think many people know that you can’t get what you don’t give first. I am human, and I’ve made and make lots of mistakes that I am sorry for, but my persistence to make things better for all of us is fueled by the challenge and inspiration given by the family that supports me. In terms of messes, I think my family has more than its fair share, and because we are all still here, it is intended for us to overcome our mess and revel in our godliness. But all of this cannot come about if we cover up in self-pity and nitpick each other about our flaws. I have to accept people for who they are, and have a little sympathy for what they are not. We all must. But that should not stop us from influencing people to be the best of what we imagine them to be, at work, at school, at home, as parents, as professionals, as people in a family. I don’t treat my kids as kids. I treat them as the kind of responsible human being I want to be and be with. Playtime is just as important as work time, but I believe that when a child understands what is going to make his life easier as he gets older, the child isn’t just growing. He is also growing up, as a responsible human being.

New Year, New Attitude

2012-01-25T09:10:00.001-05:00

2012 is apparently pegged for historical change. It is an American Presidential election year. The Mayans believe December 21 is Doomsday. Under this shadow and mounting economic pressures, so far this year has been difficult. I’ve tried to deflect the depression by noting there was a full moon early this month and Winter has a way of playing tricks on the mind, as well as the ability of consistent and invasive cold to demoralize warm-weather creatures. Considering this may be the end of the world, whatever advice or thoughts I may spark from now on will only have a shelf life of less than twelve months. As we wait for “the end”, it would be simplest to sit back and let it come, but what if it isn’t “the end”? Few successful things in this life come about as random events. Planning ahead for yourself and encouraging your kids to set goals for their future is never too soon. Expanding horizons before the future becomes the present makes success less of a surprise. What do you want? How are you going to get it? What do your children want? What do you have to do to get them access? When you’ve decided these answers, take hold of them and don’t let go. Life can be harsh and goals will try to slip away from you, but persistence, flexibility and patience will make life live up to your expectations. If you’re still here, there’s still time to make your good life happen.

Holidays and the End of the Year

2011-12-20T15:41:00.001-05:00

Time, at times,

Goes by so quickly.

At other times,

Not quickly enough.

Yet, we hope the time

We’ve had together

And our times

yet to come

Still kindle at least a smile

And remembrances of

Warmth and fun.

We miss you dearly

and hope to see you again soon!

May your hearts be blessed with joy and the company of good friends and close family throughout the holiday season and the New Year.

Best wishes for a prosperous 2012!!!

How to explain big words and concepts to children

2011-11-14T16:24:00.003-05:00

My 12-year-old daughter needs to have a current event topic for every school morning. It's funny how the kids compete to have the best bit of news for the classroom, but I guess it also shows how eager they are to learn. So one day she picks a story about a former local commissioner who was arrested before last year's election on charges of fraud, corruption, and other crimes of politicians. The newspaper article headlines that her prosecution is "politically motivated". The former commissioner whined that she was being persecuted. My daughter didn't understand what "persecute" meant, so I told her, "It means that, someone or something, in this case 'the government', says, 'Nyah, you're a dirty liar! Nyah, you cheated, you stinky butthead!'"

It's a shame that most concepts have to be reduced to the comprehension level of a fourth grader, but it's amazing how many people get the concept when it's delivered this way.

If this is you, chances are you're a good parent

2011-11-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed that most of my days are filled with laughter and food for thought, but I am proud to say that that last 24 hours have been very special. Last night my son's teacher revealed that he is somewhere near the top of his third-grade class and one of its brightest stars. In my case, this part isn't so much a surprise as a testament to priority management and proactive parenting. Like most 9 year-olds, when my son is not in school, his mind is a million miles from academics, and although it takes occasional mock threats of violence to get his attention on dinner instead of video games, apparently his teacher tells me he is sharp as a tack in the classroom, prepared, attentive - a model student. By contrast, his bedroom is rarely ever tidy, and if his function at home has nothing to do with playing, he's rarely interested. As challenging as parenting is, there are some battles better left in the background. My kids' kindergarten teacher wisely said that no child (or adult, for that matter) can perform brilliantly 100% of the time. People have to recharge in more ways other than just sleeping, so allow the children to let their hair down in a place that's safe and private, which is frequently the time spent at home. I relish the fact that my son is not perfect, and that his heart is filled with so much love for himself and everyone around him that perfection doesn't matter.

Another blessing is, despite my personal odds of succeeding, my oldest daughter is 12 today. It is usually this time of year I recall the hardships that have dogged me until now, but amidst all my chaos, this little gift dropped into my life, and ever since, constantly drives me to be smarter, take calculated chances, and never be afraid that someone won't be there to love me.

Here's to hoping miracles never cease.

You Should Never Lie To Your Children

2011-10-27T10:22:00.000-04:00

Think of the most difficult things you have to explain to your children – sex, debt, violence, divorce/breakup of relationships, life, love, career choice, death, (if you think of any others, feel free to comment). Now I want you to think about what and how you are going to explain these difficult parts of life. All of these things are part of our culture whether we like it or not, and for some, the hardest part to accept is that they all lead to the same place. Is it a blessing that I have experience with all these things? Not really, but I think I would rather be aware of what’s coming instead of being completely blind-sided and unable to adequately react.

Your child is exposed to all kinds of stimuli, some of it we can control, others we can’t. I think the mission of a good parent is to position himself or herself to be an objective sounding board to a child’s questions, so that a parent can give solid and truthful answers, and also get solid and truthful answers in return. “Solid and truthful” does not mean laying out every fact or opinion - it means giving just enough information to answer the question and leaving the door open to further discussion. This allows the child to formulate their own opinions and make decisions for themselves. Over time, their opinions may not match your own, but the world is an ever-changing place. The job of a parent is to care for and prepare their children for their own future, and what the children choose to make of their lives should wholly be their own. We also teach that every decision has a consequence, and by that, attempt to set reasonable limits to their decisions. Someday, people may be able to fly when they jump off the roof, but until humanity learns to defy gravity and physics, isn’t it safer to leave flying to the birds and aircraft?

There is the impulse to skew or stretch the truth to suit a parent’s personal needs. FIGHT IT! Your children may not be academic whizzes, but they’re a lot smarter than they may let on. The questions they ask may not be so much to get an answer as they are a test to see if they can trust you. If you do not answer with love and your whole heart, children ( and savvy parents) can smell a lie from miles away. A child’s behavior is modeled directly from how a parent acts and what s/he will permit. You cannot teach what you do not practice yourself. If truth is what you seek, truth is what you must reasonably spread.

Don’t lie, folks, don’t lie.

Don't be afraid of the movies, but be very afraid of the movies

2011-10-23T14:11:00.000-04:00

My parents were very selective about what movies and TV shows we were allowed to watch - not too much skin, no sex, no profanity and limited violence. I think they had to resign themselves to bathroom humor, but let's face it: we're human, and bathroom humor is going to play itself out on a daily basis at home no matter how hard you try to excuse yourself from the room to fumigate somebody's bed pillow (kidding...I don't think it ever happened in my house, at least it never smelled like it). It's hard not to be silly without things most people would consider public behavior, but show me a parent that positively connects with their children without being silly and I'll show a terribly inhibited soul.

As most kids of the period, going to matinee movies was the prize for good behavior, not like the underage chick-trolling gauntlet it seems to be today, and at least one of my parents was always with us. Animateds (mostly Disney), Disney live-actions starring Kurt Russell, and Irwin Allen disaster films always felt like a treat. The only 'R' rated movie my mother permitted us to see as a kid was "Jaws" as a favor to a close friend, and even then it was after considerable debate. I didn't go because I was afraid of the shark. We went into the movies in good spirit and came out refreshed, like taking a nap, only having had a good laugh and probably (re-)learning something useful. Isn't this what family day(night) at the movies is all about?

Most movies out now are filled with death, destruction, gore, flashy graphics and gaudy personalities. For entertainment purposes, I understand its value and in some cases, I welcome it because there is a place for it. But like anything else that goes unchecked by a child's parents, I'm deeply concerned about the impression it makes on a child's mind. I recently attended a crime summit, headed by our local sheriff, in which its main topics were teen violent crimes and human trafficking/exploitation. Children killing children is not supposed to be a routine occurrence in our culture, but it does happen frequently. The summit suggested that the primary causes of teen violence were poor parenting skills, bullying, and violent images portrayed in music, movies/TV, video games/toys, comics, and even played out and planned between friends. While the First Amendment may protect the ability to express fictional violence, it doesn't mean that we have to lay a buffet of violence out for our children to consume. I think it's important that they need to be aware of things to protect themselves, and that it is a parent's primary duty to proactively teach their children "right" from "wrong".

The maxim here is this: Have fun wherever you are, but always be aware of what's around you wherever you are.

First and Foremost...

2011-10-12T19:38:00.001-04:00

the thing my kids should know is that I love them dearly. My purpose in life is best defined as the strongest supporter of their hopes and dreams, and it is my duty to supply them with the tools and training to achieve whatever success they want. This does not mean I will supply every tool, but I will teach them to adapt new tools from mastered tools, because a thriving life comes from adaptability.

Although I have strived for perfection, I hope my kids know that their dad is flawed. I've taught them how to lose their temper, and we argue, frequently, but it beats not being able to express yourself. To many, saying "I'm sorry" is a sign of weakness, but if you find people you sincerely want to work with (and I sincerely want to keep a thriving relationship with my kids), it's important to keep everybody's ego in check, especially your own. "I'm sorry" simply states the willingness to understand a misunderstanding, even if it means standing your ground and disagreeing with another perspective.

This may seem over the heads of many children, but for my own kids, I say, "I love you very much. We may not always be happy with each other, but I will always seek common ground with you because of how important you are to me." What else are we going to learn on this journey? Let's see...