My Laughing Place & Lamentations

My Hero, Kevin Bacon

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 05:06:00 +0000

Movie #1: Animal House

If I was a young actor, I'd be pretty happy to be involved in something like this as my first movie so Kevin Bacon has nothing to complain about. Not only that, he was an actual character (Chip Diller) instead of an unnamed extra, in many scenes (including the first scene) and had several lines. He's also involved in the pivotal "switching of the exam answers" plotline...not too shabby, Mr. Bacon.

Movie #2: Starting Over

Not available on Netflix so I don't have to watch it per my clearly stated rules in my previous post.

Movie #3: Hero at Large

What is Hero at Large, you ask? Well, let me tell you. John Ritter stars as an actor who foils a robbery while wearing the Captain Avenger costume from his movie theater premier gig. Word gets out that Captain Avenger is standing up for what is right in the city and the search is on to find out just who Captain Avenger really is. Anne Archer is his crush from the apartment across the hall and Burt Convy is a hairy PR agent who tries to use Captain Avenger to save the mayor in the upcoming election. Ritter gets evicted by a borderline creepy landlady, remains cheerful (even though he can't get into his apartment to feed his fish ) and bunks with Archer for a couple of days. It's completely ridiculous.

As for Kevin Bacon in Hero at Large, he is billed as Teenager #2 and nowhere near the top of the cast list. His one and only scene is within the first 15 minutes: Ritter, dressed as Captain Avenger, is at a movie theater and Bacon swaggers up in all of his jean jacket glory and harasses him in front of his punk-ass friends. If you're able to tear your eyes away from Ritter's safety glasses, Kevin is behind the punk-ass in the red jacket to the right in the picture below:

If that isn't enough to convince you to put Hero at Large at the very tippy-top of your Netflix queue as I recently did, take a look at this:

It's just like The Greatest American Hero only without the fantastic theme song. Damn, I'm suddenly thirsty for a Coke, but I digress.

I'm not saying that you should watch this movie but I'm not saying you shouldn't, either. My favorite scene was definitely Kevin's scene so this is a good example of how a movie can be better with Bacon. Apparently, Netflix agrees because in their movie description on the envelope they make a point to say, "...and Kevin Bacon, in an early role, makes a very brief appearance." It's not every day you see Netflix bringing special attention to the role of Teenager #2.

Also worth mentioning: The DVD came out of the Netflix envelope completely scratch-free and pristine. You won't have any of those frustrating skipping moments to ruin your movie watching experience with Hero at Large.

I'm Sure I Won't Regret This Decision One Little Bit

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 05:47:00 +0000

On Saturday, my brother drove Mom home and I rode along. About half-way there, I piped up from the back seat, "So, I've decided to watch every single Kevin Bacon movie from oldest to newest." (Anybody who knows me will realize that something of this magnitude must be randomly announced.) Joe immediately replied, "I don't think you thought this all of the way through."

Me: "It makes perfect sense. I was watching Mystic River the other day and realized that Bacon was actually pretty decent."
Joe (in sing-song): "You're going to have to watch some reaaaaally bad moooovies!"
Me: "I'm perfectly aware that I'll have to watch Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Reba along the way but, that's the point...to find out when, exactly, Kevin Bacon made the turn from being cheese-ball to being not bad. Was it JFK?"
Joe (in sing-song): "You're going to have to watch Wiiiild Things...and he misses his mark in the showwwwerrr!"
Me: "I'm perfectly aware that you can see Kevin's bacon in Wild Things."
Mom: "I didn't know he was in Where the Wild Things Are."
In Unison: "He's not. Different movie."
Mom: "There are two movies about the wild things?"
Joe: "No. I want to see Where the Wild Things Are and do not want to see Wild Things ever again."
Mom: "What is Wild Things?"
Joe: "A really bad movie with that Sasquatch girl."
Me: "She makes out with another girl in a swimming pool. And, yeah, she's pretty hairy. I'd hate to see her waxing bill."
Joe: "I can guarantee some guy shows up daily with hedge trimmers just to keep her maintained. What's his first movie?"
Me: "Animal House so at least the first movie I'll have to watch isn't terrible. Unfortunately, he made Friday the 13th shortly thereafter and I'm not excited about watching that one. I've been very happy to get this far in life without seeing Friday the 13th."
Joe: "He gets an arrow through his Adam's Apple."
Me: "Dammit, Joe! Way to ruin the movie for me!"
Joe: "Sheesh...okay okay! All I'm saying is, you picked the wrong actor. And Reba isn't in the movie for that long but who cares about Reba, anyway? Michael Gross is grrrrreat!"

On Sunday, I met my buddy for a beer because that's what we do on Sunday. I told John about my Kevin Bacon-thon and that Joe thought I picked the wrong guy because I'd have to watch Wild Things.

John: "I've never watched Wild Things. What is it about?"
Me: "Don't watch it. It's bad. That hairy girl who married Charlie Sheen makes out with Neve Campell in a swimming pool and Bill Murray runs around wearing a fake neck brace to win a lawsuit or something."
John: "Bill Murray! That reminds me of Caddyshack! I should watch Caddyshack."
Me: "I've never watched Caddyshack."
John: "What? Leah, you've never watched Caddyshack? Oh, you've got to watch Caddyshack."
Me: "I don't want to watch Caddyshack. It doesn't seem funny to me."
John: "Caddyshack isn't supposed to be funny...that's the point. It's all about how Rodney Dangerfield gets away with saying things."
Me: "I can't stand it when people quote Caddyshack."
John: "Which actor does your brother want you to pick?"
Me: "I have no idea. I'll text him and find out."
John: "I can't believe you don't want to watch Caddyshack. It has Chevy Chase."
Me: "I know it has Chevy Chase."
John: "What did your bro say?"
Me (checking phone): "He hasn't gotten back to me yet. He must be ignoring me. I hate it when he ignores me."
John: "I think you should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies next."
Me: "Hang on...I'm texting Joe that you think I should watch Rudy Ray Moore's movies."
John (laughing): "Everybody should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies!"
Me: "It doesn't get any better than Dolemite. Hang on...I'm texting Joe to see if Robert Downey, Jr. would be a better choice."
John: "I'll make you a deal: If you watch Caddyshack, I'll watch Wild Things."
Me: "I don't remember saying that you had to watch Wild Things but, okay."

We shook hands and went our separate ways. I'm still not sure why I agreed to watch Caddyshack when I specifically told John not to watch Wild Things but I was annoyed with Joe for ignoring my texts and, therefore, wasn't paying very close attention to the situation so it got away from me. 20 minutes later, I was walking up the sidewalk towards the house and found Joe standing out front watching our cousin spray debris from his driveway.

Joe: "Hey."
Me: "You didn't text me back."
Joe (digging phone from pocket): "You texted me? Yep...you did. Not Robert Downey, Jr....he's too good."
Me: "Yeah, that's probably true. What are you doing?"
Joe (pointing at our cousin): "Tom has a hose."
Tom: "Robert Downey, Jr. for what?"
Me: "Joe doesn't think Kevin Bacon is a good choice so I asked him if Robert Downey, Jr. was better."
Tom: "Kevin Bacon is a brilliant choice! He's in tons of movies and has been around for 30 years. Who else has been so mediocre for so long?"
Joe (in sing-song): "She's going to have to watch Wiiiild Things! And Baaalllto!"
Me: "Joe can't get over Wild Things. Balto doesn't count because it's not available on Netflix. He also hasn't told me who he thinks I should have picked since he thinks Bacon is such a bad choice."
Tom: "Robert Downey, Jr. is too good."
Joe: "Yeah, you should have picked Jeff Daniels."
Me: "Dumb and Dumber?"
Joe: "He's better than you think he is."
Me: "I know. Hmm...maybe I'll watch Daniels next. Of course, this means I'll have to watch that movie with Jack Nicholson and Debra Winger."
In Unison: "Terms of Endearment."
Me: "Yeah, that movie."
Tom: "Well, you have to get through Kevin Bacon first. See you guys later!"
Joe (holding up a paper sack): "I'm going to go eat this burrito."
Me: "Pepino's?"
Joe: "No, Cha Cha Cha's."

On Monday, I received the following text from my brother: "The problem with Rudy Ray Moore is that he never made a bad picture."

The ground rules for watching all of Kevin Bacon's movies:

TV shows do not count;
If he's the director but not actually acting in the movie, it doesn't count (Losing Chase); and
I have to be able to get all movies from Netflix. There's no way I'm going to put a real effort into tracking down Balto.

When Life Follows Art or Art Follows Life or Something Along Those Lines

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 02:23:00 +0000

Too Bad It Isn't A Hatchback

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 07:16:00 +0000

If this came in a color other than pink, I would TOTALLY get one or three. Camouflage would be nice. I promise that I don't have a secret desire to be a Teletubbie.

You wouldn't want to drink too much water while wearing this, though. That's just asking for trouble!

Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit

That Left A Mark

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:33:00 +0000

Undigested food really hurts when it comes back up. I learned that lesson last night the hard way. Over and over and over and ...

I really hope that was the first and last time I get to experience such unpleasantness.

24 Things

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:59:00 +0000

In honor of the 24th day of the month, I am going to list 24 things that may make me angry/sad-ish, frustrate or upset me AND things that may make me happy or give me a laugh. I will not specify to which group each thing belongs:

Painted toenails.
Raisins.
Ambiguous communication and unclear intentions/futures.
"The Room".
The cats who roam around Mom's house and jump in my lap for some attention.
Kit Kat bars.
Non-stop rain for two to four days in a row.
Buttermilk biscuits.
Birthday parties.
Odd/Uncomfortable situations in public.
Leg warmers.
Portland, OR.
Coffee shop chit-chat.
Driving all day long.
Sushi.
Costco.
The Disney Channel.
Baked potatoes.
Chucks.
Snakes.
Losing power and not having a fully charged battery.
Ceviche.
That weird smell in my car.
Whatever bulb that is pushing through the ground next to my Japanese maple. Not tulips but I can't remember what the things are called.

Upon review, this random list turned out to be almost evenly split. How ridiculously average of me.

Greg Sestero aka Oh hi, Mark

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:12:00 +0000

My latest obsession but not because he is haaaaawt. He is simply a major player in "The Room" aka "The Worst Movie Ever Made".

http://www.modelmayhem.com/307141

It will take a good month and three-quarters before I'm over this one.

...With the Passion of Tennessee Williams

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:23:00 +0000

My friend, Morgan, introduced me to "The Room" aka "The Worst Movie Ever Made". I can't get this gem out of my head.

Thanks, Morgan. (said with a mix of sarcasm and gratitude)

Here are two unforgettable scenes...enjoy!

I did naaaawt.

That's me.

Simpatico

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:42:00 +0000

adjective
1: agreeable
2: being on the same wavelength

I have met many agreeable people. I have met only a few people who share my same wavelength. (My brother doesn't count.)

Live and Learn and Learn and Learn and Learn and Live

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 02:20:00 +0000

If it appears that a guy is a Mama's Boy, blowhard and self-important beast, then no matter what he says, he's a Mama's Boy, blowhard and self-important beast.

If it appears that a guy has hangups and needs you around only to make himself feel normal, then no matter what he says, you are a seat filler.

If you have lived through both of these types of guys (or any other type of broken guy) and meet a new guy, it is best to have a self-defense filter installed.

If it appears that a guy's life isn't structured for a real relationship and he's emotionally unavailable, take notice and don't attach yourself before the guy shows you that he is available for a real relationship. If your filter is working correctly, you won't be completely crushed when the guy realizes that his life isn't structured for actual closeness and you won't be taken by surprise. If your filter is dirty and clogged, you're in for a world of hurt. If the guy consciously uses the way his life is structured as an excuse, he is simply an asshole and not worth your time when he skulks back full of more excuses so keep your filter maintained. If the unavailable guy is actually somewhat "right" for you and genuine, it will still hurt no matter how well you cleaned your filter. If the guy comes back and you are still around, the two of you will be stronger because of your filter. If he doesn't come back or you are not still around, thank goodness for your filter.

If you keep taking risks on people who interest you even though you have been hurt or disappointed in the past, then you are alive. If a guy doesn't really interest you but you still enter into a relationship, you are looking for someone to fill a seat simply to keep from being alone and that is not taking a risk.

The filter works both ways.

I Have No Words

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 03:39:00 +0000

Should I Be Worried?

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 07:10:00 +0000

OLIVIA

NICK NOLTE

Why Why Why ???

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 05:09:00 +0000

I've been aware of this for quite some time now but just couldn't bring myself to believe it could be true. Unfortunately, it is and I'm now ready-ish to deal with it. There is no reason why Clay Aiken should be Bravely Bold Sir Robin in Spamalot. Serious. No reason at all.

There...I got it off of my chest. I've acknowledged and admitted that it is reality but I don't have to like it.

I Am A Bloody Genius

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 01:20:00 +0000

Olivia isn't known for keeping her room clean. Olivia is known for telling me just how bored she is because there is nothing to do. My answer is always: "Then go clean your room." This is always met with a very loud, "That's boring!" and then an equally loud, "I'm hungry!"

On Saturday morning, I told Olivia that I had a very important project for her to work on over the weekend.

Olivia likes projects. Olivia was intrigued.

I told Olivia that she needed to bring everything out of her room and divide them into three separate piles. I put three pieces of paper on the living room floor that said: KEEP, GARBAGE and GIVE AWAY. I told Olivia that I could not help because only she could decide into which pile her things belonged.

Olivia likes projects. Olivia was excited.

Hour One: Lots of energy; stuff coming out of her room at an impressive rate.

Hour Two: Break #1.

Hour Three: Not so much energy; stuff coming out of her room at a medium-slow rate. Break #2.

Hour Four: Tears, tears and tears. Break #3.

Hour Five: Lunch. Back to work. I'm a mean mommy.

Hour Six: Stuff coming out of her room whenever it feels like coming out of her room. I poked my head in to see what was going on to find Olivia reading a book. I commented that she was running out of time to earn the reward.

"Reward? What reward? You didn't say anything about a reward, Mama!"

"Yep, everything in your room has to be in one of the piles before bedtime or you won't get the reward."

Stuff coming out of her room at an impressive rate.

Bribes are good.

Hour Seven: Lots of crashes and bangs coming from her room as well as..."This is stupid!..."I'll never finish in time!"..."Awwwwww, why do I have so much stuff?!?"..."Why am I doing this?"..."I'm doomed!"

Hour Eight: "Mama, do I have to get the stuff under my bed, too? NOOOOO! That's not fair! I thought you only meant the stuff in the middle of my room! You're a mean mommy!" Break #4. Back to work. Unintelligable mumbling coming out of her room. I'm pretty sure it was hateful crap about me.

Hour Nine: "I'm never going to let my room get this messy ever again!"

That was what I was waiting for. Now, she can have some ice cream.

I am a bloody genius.

Now...what do I do with this giant GARBAGE pile?

The Dating World Is A Dangerous Place

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 16:33:00 +0000

Last Thursday as I left work, a car was pulled up to the front of the building and a lady was getting into the car. The doors on this car went up instead of out to the side. The lady pulled the door down to close it and the car drove away.

I was not aware that driveable DeLoreans were still around.

If you are going out and the guy has parked a DeLorean in front of your house, is the date over?

OUCH!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 17:13:00 +0000

I'm not sure but I may have broken my neck.

UPDATE:
I heard/felt a big "POP!" and now I can turn my head to the left about 1 inch.

I still think my neck is broken.

UPDATE:
My neck is not broken. It's just The Worst Neck Kink...EVER!

Shirts, Pants and Negligent Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 06:18:00 +0000

Today, Olivia and I went to Birthday Party #1 (tomorrow is Birthday Party #2). Joe, Jess, Tom and Tom's family were there, too. Joe had to leave early because he was scheduled to work at Wild Tamales. After Birthday Party #1, I was hungry and Tom's wife needed to buy some pants for one kid and a Webkins for her other kid so we went to...the mall.

We figured that we should either eat or get coffee first so we headed towards the food court. There was very loud music coming from one of the stores so I asked, "How can they work in there with all of that loud music?" Tom's wife immediately agreed and then we yelled at some kids to pull up their pants and keep off of the grass. Tom said that the store must be the dance party store.

Suddenly, Tom's wife turned to me and said, "Isn't Joe at work right now? We should surprise him at Wild Tamales!" My eyes lit up and then we both squealed like 15 year old girls with 4th row tickets to the New Kids On The Block concert complete with that obnoxious hopping/jumping/hand clapping thing even though we had just told our kids to calm down.

Tom's wife and I lead by example.

We went to Wild Tamales and talked to Joe, who had two minutes left of his break. Mitch and Morris were there but not Merlin. I'm happy to report that I did not see any vomit coming out of Mitch. I also didn't buy any buttons.

After we left Wild Tamales, we got something to eat, found coffee and bought Webkins and pants. As we were walking past the stores, I looked into one of the windows and said, "I like that top." Tom asked, "Why do you call it a top? Why not a shirt?"

If it has buttons down the front, I call it a shirt. If it isn't a button-down, it may be a t-shirt, turtleneck, polo shirt, sweater or tunic. If it doesn't fit into any of those categories, it's a top. I didn't bother 'splaining any of this to Tom because he is a boy. Tom's wife is a girl and therefore did not require any 'splaining. Might as well save my words for more important things such as, "Why are those little girls all by themselves? Where are their parents? That little one is about four years old and the other one isn't a day over six." (Turns out their mom was inside Hallmark and figured the bench in the middle of the mall walkway was a safe place to leave them.)

We passed by the dance party store again on our way out of...the mall. Tom promptly went inside the entrance and danced in a very dorky way. Olivia followed. People stared. Once the dance party was over and we were back on our way, Tom's wife said something about the smoking deal she found on the pants. Tom said, "Don't you mean bottoms?"

Puh-leeze.

This Is Just Nasty

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 03:20:00 +0000

Joe has been working retail for the past few months at...the mall. I've never visited him at work because that would require a trip to...the mall. To protect the identities of everybody involved, the names of the store and other employees have been changed in the following story. Joe and Jess picked the fake names.

Last Monday, Joe arrived at work around 10:45 at Wild Tamales. Mitch was already at work and asked Joe if he could clock in ASAP. Mitch had his hood pulled up over his head and looked brutal so Joe knew that something was up. Joe ditched his stuff in the back, grabbed his name tag and went behind the sales counter. Mitch was ringing up two customers and at the same time, leaned over and grabbed one of those clear plastic bowls that they usually keep pins in. Joe could see some sort of brown gunk in the bottom of the bowl.

Then it happened...

"GLOOORRRFFFFF!!!!!!!"

Mitched puked right into the bowl. Joe couldn't tell for sure if the customers saw Mitch hurl but they probably knew what was going on. After the customers left, Mitch told Joe that he wasn't feeling well and Joe would have to take over the register for the day.

Oh...it should be noted that Joe was not register trained!

Mitch gave Joe a crash course in How To Run The Register At Wild Tamales and barfed in-between sentences. Serious.

"So scan the item.......BLAAAAARGGGG!!! Hit that button..........PLUUURRRRGGGG!!! Enter the cash amount.............AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!"

After the impromptu training course, Mitch said that he had contacted the head manager, Merlin, who would come in after he took his dog to the vet. Mitch then went into the back were he spent the next two hours hunkered over the toilet and retching his brains out. Joe thought to himself, "Well, I really don't know how to run the register but it's Monday morning so it shouldn't be very busy...I'll be okay."

Unfortunately for my brother, that particular Monday was Martin Luther King Day so a lot of schools were closed.

Teenagers started to flood into Wild Tamales. They were running around, asking Joe questions that he didn't know the answers to and buying all sorts of stuff. Joe only knew the basics on running the register so he was doing a crummy job.

Scan item, run card, receipt, hope the register doesn't jam or run out of register tape.

Of course, Mitch didn't show Joe how to erase an item from the register if there was a mistake, how to run the frequent buyer cards or the gift cards, how to get those frigging plastic things off of the Cd's or any of that other stuff. Needless to say, things were hectic.

At 12:50, Joe had a line in front of him and the phone kept ringing. Mitch came out and said that he had to leave but that Merlin would be there soon and how he was really sorry about everything as nobody was expecting the store to be so busy that day. Normally, Joe would have asked him to stay until Merlin showed up but he couldn't have Mitch yakking in front of a store full of customers. However, it is also mandatory for a manager to be present at all times so Joe wasn't sure why Mitch bailed before Merlin showed up.

So there Joe was, flying solo in a consumer sh*t storm. Even though Joe was by himself on the floor earlier, Mitch was in the back so Joe could at least ask questions when needed. Sink or swim, dear brother.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Merlin.

"Hey, can I speak to Mitch?"

"Nope, he's not here."

"You mean he's in the back?"

"No, he's not here."

(Pause)......."Are you there by yourself?"

"Yep."

"@?*&%$#! Okay, I'll put the dog in the kennel and be right there!"

Joe worked alone for a solid hour before Merlin arrived and Joe told him his sob story. Merlin checked around the store and discovered that none of the pre-opening tasks had been completed. Merlin shook his head.

"I've been here seven years and this has never happened."

Merlin immediately went on a calling spree trying to get other employees to come in and help but...no dice. One person was in Africa, another one was sick, two more were in school, another one was at her other job, yadda yadda. So, Joe had to stay there a few extra hours until everything was figured out.

Joe and Merlin finally got the store under control when Morris, another employee and something of a doof, walked in.

Morris: "Hi guys!"

Merlin: "What are you doing here?"

Morris: "I'm starting my shift."

Merlin: "You're not scheduled today."

Morris: "Huh?"

Merlin: "You're not supposed to be here until Wednesday."

Morris: "Oh.......dang."

Since Joe was shell shocked, Morris took over and Joe went home.

I will NEVER buy a button out of one of those bowls again.

I'm also willing to bet that I would NOT enter the bathroom at Wild Tamales.

Frozen Meat

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 06:19:00 +0000

Olivia and I went to Costco the other day with Tom and his family. I bought some meat. So did Tom's wife. In bulk.

Mom gave me a Foodsaver for Christmas so now I can vacuum seal all the pork chops I want and toss them into the freezer. Tom's wife is jealous of my Foodsaver. We will probably have a Foodsaver party in the near future. The only problem is neither Tom's wife nor I have sufficient freezer space...which 'splains why I went online to check out freezers for the garage. I figure that I'll have room for a freezer once the 6 foot tall tool box is out of there.

Anyhoo...I started to read the reviews for the Kenmore 5.0 cu. ft. Manual Defrost Chest Freezer and...well...

"I bought this freezer to separate fish from my main fridge. It does the trick."

When do you think vgirl from Florida was 100% certain that putting fish in the freezer instead of the main fridge would separate the fish from the main fridge? Did she ask the salesperson if it would keep her fish separate from the fridge? And if not, which freezer model offers the separation feature?

"I would most certainly recommend this product to anyone needing an extra freezer for your family. It is the perfect size and holds everything. All my food in it is very cold."

Jenn081697 from Apopka, FL seems surprised that her food is very cold in the freezer.

"I enjoy this product so much, one reason being is the size. I even trust my 7 year old daughter to go in and out of it, I have found it safe for her too do so....my Kenmore Chest is still the best! Get one and Enjoy!"

Landa from Chicago really enjoys her new chest freezer. AND it doubles as a secret fort for Landa, Jr.! Versatile!

The Best Kids' Book...Ever! Gray Reef Shark

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Here we have the Gray Reef Shark.
Body - Check.
Snout - Check.
Mouth - Check.
Teeth - Checkaroonie.

Now, let's take a look at what page two has to teach the kiddos.

Lurks around the coral reef...slightly larger than a scuba diver...can-opener for a jaw...

Likes to eat squid, fish, dead things, seabirds and some crabs. Thankfully, humans are not on the menu because this fish has a massive and crippling bite!

This shark is so fierce that it can run off the ferocious tiger shark.

The male chases the female until the gal tires out and is caught. Then, he makes her his baby mama and scars her for life. This guy is a keeper, Ladies!

HATES the paparazzi.

Is obsessive/compulsive.

Ooooh...just one last section to read and then Junior can finish his book report...

Hello, My Name Is...

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:33:00 +0000

I am a strong believer of NOT putting pictures of yourself or your child online. Today, I am going against that belief...sort of...

This is me. I've only had one cup o' java this morning so I'm still a bit persnickety. In a perfect world, I really would be wearing a hoodie and cargo pants but I am at work which means I am dressed more like this...

Isn't it cute how I'm acting like I'm happy about wearing hose and clip-clop shoes? Don't believe my smile; I'm a big faker. My boss isn't traveling so he is in the room right next to me today. I don't want him to think that I have a bad attitude about work. Plus, he arrived at the office before I did this morning which means that he made the coffee so I didn't have to wait for it to drip...drip...drip...drip...which makes me happy-ish.

This is Olivia. She is missing two teeth. I told her that if she would put things away when she was finished, she would be able to find them later but she kept interrupting to tell me that her teeth were stolen from her during the night by a wood sprite. She then tried to dial 9-1-1 to report the theft but I was able to stop her from calling. I do NOT need to 'splain a 9-1-1 call to Officer Not Amused...again.

Or were her teeth stolen by a C.H.U.D.? I can't remember the exact creature but I'm pretty sure it can play the panflute.

Anyway...Olivia is wearing her uniform because she is at school today. I absolutely LOVE the uniforms! Makes getting ready in the morning soooooooooo much easier! No battle over how a tank top and flip-flops are NOT appropriate during the winter months.

Friday is Free Dress Day at school which means Friday morning is going to suck. If Olivia picked out something like this to wear...

...it wouldn't be too bad. Only the flip-flops would need a parental veto. (Note to self: Get Olivia's bangs trimmed on Saturday. She keeps pushing them out of her eyes.)

So, what did we learn here today?

Uniforms/Oppression = Good
Flip-Flops/Individuality = Bad
Answering the door soaking wet and wearing nothing but a towel because there is an officer in uniform ringing the bell and I was in the shower = Bad

Actually, that has potential to be good. When it happens again, I'll let you know. Depends on the uniformed officer, I suppose. Unfortunately, I'll have to turn over two quarters and some sparkly dust as "evidence" which isn't the best way to get a date.

Wait a minute...are uniforms good or bad? Crap.

I'm so confused.

Go Mitt!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 20:55:00 +0000

The beauty of Netflix is that you can watch shows from the cable channels without actually subscribing to the cable channels. (You could also do this by purchasing or renting the DVD's but I find Netflix to be more convenient.) An HBO show that I'm hooked on is "Big Love" which is about a family of Mormon polygamists in Utah. The patriarch is played by Bill Paxton (Bill); his First Wife is Jeanne Tripplehorn (Barbara); Second Wife is Chloe Sevigny (Nikki, who steals almost every scene that she's in); Third Wife is Ginnifer Goodwin (Margene).

Harry Dean Stanton plays Roman Grant aka The Prophet. The Prophet also happens to be Nikki's father. Here's the thing about The Prophet; he's kind of like a Mormom mobster. He and his posse drive around in Hummers. Bill and The Prophet have, oh...let's say, a strained relationship. It makes things a bit dangerous.

Also worth noting is the character of Alby (Matt Ross), who is The Prophet's son and quite scary. Bill's parents are Frank and Lois, who do NOT get along. (They are played by Bruce Dern and Grace Zabriskie.) Rhonda Volmer (Daveigh Chase who also played that creepy girl in the well from "The Ring") is a teenager slated to marry The Prophet and I'm fairly sure she is evil.

My Grocery Shopping Hero!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 06:50:00 +0000

Courtesy of Tom's wife....

If I weren't already semi-married, I'd TOTALLY enter into a civil union with this gal. Well, depending on the state involved and such. I doubt it's an option in Texas...or Kentucky.

Happy New Year!

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 05:28:00 +0000

I am officially calling 2008 The Year of Leah. I don't know why; call it a hunch.

Please enjoy the following picture of Aeon the Terrible from Rudolph's Shiny New Year which may or may not still be shown on the telly.

New Year's Day was spent with my cousin, Tom (who is mostly to blame for my re-addiction to the Trailblazers...some of the blame can go to my boss, too...he tells me positive feel-good stories about the players and I miss the days of smuggling pot wrapped in a ball of tin foil through airport security because I could ignore the Blazers in those days and focus on more important things such as coffee or ice cream), and Tom's family. Tom's wife prepared a delicious soup for lunch and then we all went bowling. I broke a nail. So did Tom's wife. We blame the bowling balls.

I am a really good bowler.
Olivia's score = 81
Leah's score = 45

I am available as a ringer for your bowling league. Please contact me ASAP if you would like me on your team. I expect high interest in my bowling skills.

New Year's Resolution: Hmm...that's a tough one. I'm going to say to get back on the treadmill on a regular basis. AND...to back off of the coffee a wee bit.

Okay, I'm totally lying about the coffee. I'll probably increase my intake. I'll do anything I can to stain my teeth a disgusting shade of Burnt Sienna.

Smelly Heat

noreply@blogger.com (Leah) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 02:17:00 +0000

About a month ago, Mocha went missing. She wasn't acting like herself one day so I had planned to take her to the vet but she didn't come home. I'm pretty sure she found a hidey-hole like some cats do when they are sick.

Very sad. Mocha was a good cat.

About a week ago, a putrid smell started coming out of the air vents every time the heat kicked on. I turned on the air conditioning...same putrid smell. It was faint at first so I let it go for a couple of days without too much worry. Each day, the smell was stronger and stronger; it was a sewer smell with just a touch of fishy-ness and some other kind of foul stench. I began to wonder if I had found Mocha.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to Josie on the phone when the heat kicked on.

"Ugh! There is something stanky coming out of my air vents. I'm afraid it may be Mocha."

"I wish I could smell it because I know dead smells and could tell you on the spot. One time, there was a dead cat under our back porch and it stank for two weeks. It wasn't fun getting that cat out from under the porch."

Josie confirmed that there was a bit of a fishy smell to the dead cat under her porch. This information did not make me feel better and I began to mentally prepare myself for the possibility of an investigative journey into the crawl space before the vents burped out a gaggle of flies.

(Who am I kidding? There is no way I would ever go under the house. I'm just pretending to be all tough and capable like that. This is a boy-only task; this is why boys exist.)

Last night, the smell coming from the vents was so bad I thought my eyeballs would melt. I opened several windows, pulled the blanket over my head and went to sleep. This morning, the smell was still there so I looked online to check movie times and began to plan our day far away from the house. I decided to do a search for "raunchy vent smell" and found a question and answer forum. One of the postings was for a situation very similar to mine and one answer had three possibilities:

dead animal, leaking sewer pipe or dried out P-Trap.

Apparently, if there is a drain in the house that doesn't get much use, the P-Trap dries out and can cause sewer gas to be sucked into the air intake for the furnace. Something about the pipes that stick out of the roof. It was suggested to run water in all of the drains and see if the smell went away.

The bathtub in the second bathroom doesn't get much use anymore so I crossed my fingers and turned on the water. I went into the living room, turned up the thermostat and waited for the curtains to start blowing around. I walked over, steeled myself, stuck my face into the air and sniffed. I smelled nothing. I felt a little better but needed a second opinion.

"Olivia, can you do me a favor and tell me what the air coming out of that vent smells like?"

"It doesn't smell like anything, Mama."

Relief! On soooo many levels!

Olivia and I miss Mocha. We have a garden statue for Mocha but haven't figured out yet where to put it in the yard. It will probably go someplace close to the front door because every day when we came home from work/school, Mocha was always waiting for us by the front door. She would also try to open the front door by jumping and then hanging from the door knob. The neighbors told me that her hanging record was 12 minutes.

That cat was cool.