My Life- Your life- Our life You only have one life, make the best of it!

Check the box

2012-02-21T17:53:00.002-05:00

I started thinking today as I read some of my unpublished comments. I had to laugh actually at one in particular. You see, I never started this blog so people could feel sorry for me or to laugh at me or even like me. I started this blog years ago because I wanted to let other people know that it's really ok to just be yourself. You can be honest with yourself and with others. At first no one even knew of my blog. and that was ok. Sometimes I feel like I have so many people around me but I am still alone. I figured if I could help one person out and let them know that it's ok to feel that way then this blog did what it was intended to do. If only you could read some of my unpublished stuff you would sit back and say wow, this guy is deep and I didn't know he had those types of daily problems... Just like you. I'm human people, just like you. I pee, I get sick, I'm happy, I laugh, I cry, I hurt. You see I like to help others. I've read it can be one of my downfalls. Helping others before I help myself. That's just who I am. I figured if I could get the balls to write my feelings down and to express my true thoughts, why wouldn't I? So I did.
So Mr Critic or Mrs. Critic, before you throw the mighty pen at me, make sure your own house is not made of wet paper. I've realized that no matter what you do in your life, what ever the circumstance, that at the end of the day you need to check the "Happy" box. Be happy with yourself people! Check your own Happy box.

Feel free to check mine if you'd like.

I really wonder at times

2012-02-12T21:31:00.003-05:00

I really wonder sometimes where it is I went wrong. I haven't been too lucky at love but damn sure give it the best I can. I know I'm capable, I just haven't been able to keep the plane off the ground for any extended period of time. I was going to continue on with my people who inspire me series but haven't been in the mood to do it lately. One of the people who I thought inspired me actually let me down in a bad way. I am learning another life lesson. The other person who I will be writing about (and inspires me) needs to know I didn't mean to hurt them. And once forgiven maybe they will allow me to write about them. Time will tell.
The next chapter of my book is being written for me, but I've learned to bite my lip, wipe the silent tears and move forward. The Lord knows my heart and for that I feel comforted. I know he is in control.

Lord, forgive me for my actions and help me move forward. Only like you can, Amen.

Diaries of a lost soul

2012-02-10T22:22:00.005-05:00

February 10th, 2012. On this day a year ago my mother passed away. I was not by her side. That hurts. I was in denial that she was really not doing well. I thought it's mom, she will be ok. I was wrong. As I walked to the beach this morning I said my prayers and thought about this life for a few moments. My life hasn't been horribly bad, nor has it been intensely exciting. Actually it's been a roller coaster. It has been a journey with many tales and many wrong turns. The good thing is that I find a way to get back on track.
As I put my feet in the water I felt energized as I normally do. There truly is something spiritual about healing waters. My mom was always there for me during my rough times and during the good times. She of course was there when I was born, yet I wasn't there when she passed. No, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I was really angry because I felt she didn't want to try. She was heart broken over the death of my sister a mere month earlier and she didn't fully recover from her own procedure I believe. I think about her all the time and she is here with me, in my time of need.
I may not know at times where I will land but I do know God helps me and guides me to do the right thing. I am starting over once again in my life, by myself. I'm glad I have my children. I know they love me unconditionally. My whole life I've been searching for that one who will love me for just me. I thought I found her a couple of times but I must have been mistaken. Again with those wrong turns. I believe it is time to stop searching and get back into a relationship with our maker. I've helped a lot of other people in my life, yet I fail to help myself. What good am I if I don't take care of myself first?
2012 is the year of the dragon, my year. It has just begun and hasn't been promising so far, but it is coming. I just need to be patient. In closing, I would like to say that I am truly a man of God who is trying to do the right things in life. When I am ready again, I will know it. Until then, my focus is on picking myself back off the ground, dusting myself off and moving on down the road. I just need to keep my Gps in hand this time.

Accomplishments

2012-02-04T23:55:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I find myself in a pickle. I'm always over analyzing things and second guessing myself. I found a niche' in digital art. I forgot my glasses and was having a hard time seeing the image I was trying to sketch out\paint. I was seeing shapes. That's all art is after all. SHAPES... Bingo. So, I started blocking in my sketch and started blending in my paint. I spent a whole week on trying to get a canvas put together and completed. I was frustrated, pissed off and upset to say the least. Once I let go and tried something different, it just clicked. You just have to let it go. I've been so reserved about certain things my whole life. It has held me back in some aspects, and helped in others. So from this point forward I am no longer looking back. I used to dwell on it all the time. It was consuming my being. I let it go.
I am sure what my future has in store, but also know that change is a coming, again. I am only a man and can only put up with so much in my life. I feel that I have accomplished a lot so far and have ideas on what I want to do in the future. Someday the people in my life that mean the most will come back full circle. I look forward to that. I did lose a few friends along the way. That saddens my soul, but maybe time will mend broken hearts and hurt feelings. I will have to wait and see. jj

Flowers in the Field

2012-02-01T22:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Mom,
I was really thinking about you today, especially tonight. I really need to talk with you, you always know how to calm me down. I took this picture at the Jacksonville Arboretum and instantly went back to the farm and remembered how you used to talk with me when I was having problems or when things weren't quite going so well. You told me I was special, that I have a lot to offer the world and that I'm going to be someone someday. You always made me feel better. I will never forget that, ever. I was really wanting to pick up the phone tonight and just talk. I needed to hear your voice and see your face but know I will have to wait a little longer before that happens.
I have a lot of decisions to make and no matter the outcome, some things just have to be done. I know you have my back and you know my heart. I never do things just to do them. I never told you nearly enough "thank you" for all that you taught me and all the advice you gave me. You cared about me and loved me unconditionally. I remember us being goofy and always playing music, dancing, singing and laughing. Those were the days.
Please help guide me in the direction I need to go. My path through the fields of flowers will eventually take me home, but at times I feel my allergies won't allow me to get close to the field. Give me strength and wisdom to make the right decision and clear the path. I hope we have a class reunion this summer. I need to go back to the farm and spend some time walking around the place. I'm writing a book on my childhood upbringing on that farm with a fantasy twist around all of the places I used visit or frequent often.
So now you know all of the things that I used to do, nothing to hide. You know I wasn't that bad and you probably worried more than you needed to. You were a great mother, caregiver and human being. I know you wanted me to play our song at your wake, but it wasn't to be. I will play it for you in person some day. I love you and miss you. It will be a year on the 10th of Feb. It's hard to believe you are gone. Just know that you are not forgotten though.

To the edges of the earth

2012-01-23T20:42:00.002-05:00

No one knows the day or the time. No one knows the when or where. One thing is for sure, when it does happen, you should be prepared to explain what you did in your short lifetime. I sometimes hear the whispers in the wind. I often see the images in the clouds. I often feel the power in the shallows. I love it when I can get some quiet time to myself. All I hear is the wind blowing, waves crashing and a few hints of birds in the distance. I've noticed that birds don't make much noise at dawn. I think they are basking in the solitude of the moment. The next time you are able to go to the beach take a moment to close your eyes and experience the smells and sounds around you. Then open your eyes and take in all that you can. I will follow you until the edges of the earth.
Love,
John

A Simple gesture, a ton of gratitude

2012-01-21T22:03:00.003-05:00

Growing up I had a sense of what life was supposed to be like. I was raised right, had manners and went to church. We lived simply, were grateful for everything we had and never felt like we wanted for anything. My mom always wanted us to have so much but we rarely got those things that we thought we needed. What we did get was love from her, unconditionally. My mom was the best. Growing up was a bit tough as we had other guidelines to follow. A very strict upbringing. And if you didn't listen up you'd get a crack across the room. You needed to make sure your chores were done correctly. You didn't want to be around for the consequences if they weren't. My mom tried to be there for us but couldn't all the time. The past is the past and you can't change that. What you can do is remember the good times and shelve the bad. And I have a whole closet full of bad but I have learned to cope with it.
I found out where my sister Chris and I stood when my dear sister and mother passed. I can only hope my mom understands and forgives some of the uncaring, selfish things that went on, no need to elaborate. I wasn't asked about anything concerning my mother and her belongings. Not once was I asked about funeral specifics, burial services, belongings, articles of importance. Nothing. The only thing I was asked for was a signature from a lawyer. Looking back, I should have thought harder on that decision. My mom knows my heart as I know hers. For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone would wait 4-5 months after they passed to hold a service. It is beyond me.
Thank the Lord for my cousin Jennifer. She was looking out for us and when the big "sale" was going on she found an old ornament my mom used to hang on the tree. It is the one of a little boy with my name engraved on it. My sister Chris has one as well. I can't say how thankful I am that Jen sent it to me. I can actually say that I have something of my mothers now. My prayer was answered and for that I am very grateful. Thank you Jennifer.
Oh, and for the record, I am so glad I learned so much from my mother. She taught me about cooking and being a good person. She also taught be about love and caring and helping others. I miss her and will be reunited with her someday.

Inspired - Kim Binkley, my little sister

2012-01-12T23:22:00.003-05:00

Kim Binkley

My little sister Kim. An inspirational woman, a loving person and a wonderful soul. Growing up in small town Ohio, we had to make our own fun. Chris, Kim and I did the best we could with what we had. I remember those lovely games of truth or dare when I was dared to drink some warm water. I drank that nasty water. It looked like it had pepper in it. It was grandpa's fish tank water. I was also challenged to eat guinea pig food, then the old bait and switch when they gave me guinea pig crap. Nice, ladies. But, looking back I was a horrible brother when I was younger. Almost ashamed to admit some of the silly things that I did. Siblings sometimes have a love\ hate relationship growing up as most of you may remember. Ours was no different.
As I grew older and joined the service, Kim was all ready on her way to growing up and starting a family. She was a good mom. I remember when Jesse was born. She would send me pictures all the time. Kim had a way of moving forward, no matter what. I remember when she first found out she had something going on with her body. She was concerned, but confident they could do something about it. I'm sorry to admit I didn't have the luxury of seeing her as much as I wanted to. I was in Florida and she was in Ohio or Alabama. I did, however, find time to drive up to Alabama a few times to visit with her and to visit with the rest of the family. I also remember how proud of a mom she was. When Taylor and Matthew were born, she was ecstatic. She raised them the best that she could. She loved all her children and she wanted to help other children as well.
I started to hear and understand what Kim wanted to do with her life. She wanted to open a day care. Actually, she had the whole thing remodeled and ready for children. She had to go back to school and participate in an internship program before she could open her own day care. I remember taking pictures of it and seeing the huge smile on her face. She had a plan. God evidently had a different one.

Kim was a bigger fighter than what I first thought. I can't begin to tell you how many rounds of chemo therapy she had to go through. Another reason she inspires me. Even when death and disease came knocking on the door, she fought to keep it at bay. I only wish the doctors would have removed the cancerous tumor when it was the size of a pea. I have found that as I have gotten older, I am a smarter, better person than I once was. She helped me out several times and kept me on track when I wanted to quit. She gave me hope and encouragement to keep using my talents to better the world. I hope someday I can honor her by donating my art or my time in her name to some day care\pre school program. I think she would like that. Kim, I hope you are looking down from heaven knowing I love you. Thank you for inspiring me, I love you.
John

Inspired - Nancy Cash - my Mother

2012-01-07T09:56:00.000-05:00

People Who Inspire Me 2012

The first person in my series of "People Who Inspire Me" goes to my mother. Without her I would not be who I am today. Actually if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here today. That has a duel fold meaning as well. It's very hard for me to understand that she is no longer on this earth. No more phone calls, no more talks, no more anything. All I have are memories and images. She taught me so much growing up. She covered topics like not worrying (even though I did and still do, but not as bad), being ok within my own skin, and inspirational chats on how I would be someone someday. She told me all the time I was someone but I wouldn't realize it until I was older. I was her special boy and that was really awesome. I remember her teaching me how to cook, how she used to make me laugh constantly, all the while I was storing these gems in my brain so that one day I would remember all the good she had to offer.
Moving to that old farm in the country was the best thing she could have ever done. At the time I didn't understand it, but now know why she did and how it formed me into the man I am. I had to be creative back then. I had to find my own way to have fun and entertain myself. I remember bringing home my art projects and she would just love them. I always aimed to please my mother. She was an awesome individual. She always thought about the three of us. I remember being sick growing up and she would always bring home comic books or a Mad Magazine or some kind of goodie to make me feel better.
My mom didn't have a lot growing up. What she did have was family. That was very important to her. I look at this picture of her and just smile. I regret not seeing her as much in her later years. Being out of state didn't help matters much. I knew something was not right when I was home to see Kim last year. I didn't realize that would be the last time I would ever see her. I get upset when I think about it. There was a lot of confusion and mis understanding around the circumstances of her passing. Some think I didn't go home for what ever reason. I didn't understand the severity of what was going on. On one hand I thought she gave up when she found out Kim had passed while she was in the hospital. Then I have to search deeper and wonder if something happened while she was under anesthesia for her own procedure. She had a hard time waking up from the anesthesia. Did it leave her with some mild brain issues? Did she have a mild stroke? Someday we will know.
My mother will forever be in my heart and my thoughts of her will never fade. She gives me inspiration to keep being creative and to do the right things in life. I love her and miss her dearly. Thank you mom for helping mold who I am today. You are the number one person who I know personally who has inspired me. 2012 is a year of inspiration and of hope. With you on my side, I can't lose.

2012 , a year to remember mark my words.

2012-01-02T22:00:00.002-05:00

I took this picture 2 days before the end of my 365 project. Tim "Tebowing" it is called. Him praying after a touchdown, giving thanks. I was so amazed by the sunrise that morning, I had to do my own version of it. 2012 is upon us. My heart is on fire and my brain is scrambled. I have so many things to do and things I want to do. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this year that is here. I feel many great things are happening in my life. I was out picking weeds momentarily today and found a 4 leaf clover. My life is blessed, there is no doubt. I do not take that for granted. I wish I had more time to spend with my family and friends. It's almost like they don't know who I really am sometimes. That is one of my goals for the year, to spend time with more people. I have a couple of new projects I'm working on for this year. One is my 52 week project and the other is my "people who inspire me" series. I will take people in my life or that have been in my life and write something about them along with some images of them. My way of saying thanks and sharing my friends and family with new friends and family. Here's to the new year people, have faith and be positive. I have been having visions of a bed and breakfast and teh food that I will be preparing. I made some really good soups and sauces over the weekend that I froze most of for later. I imagined serving this food with the people that have stopped by to spend time at my Bed and Breakfast. I felt they were so happy they told everyone they knew. I can smell the coffee and homemade bread as we speak. Now for a location. Dream Big or go home I say.
Be blessed.
John

A Winter's Rose

2011-12-21T00:10:00.002-05:00

I am reminded at times that a rose in the Winter months can be a sign of miracles as much as it can be a sign of perseverance. This time last year I traveled back to Ohio to visit with my little sister who had a cancer that just wouldn't let up. She left Alabama to be home with my mom. It was a bittersweet visit. Knowing that it would be my last visit with my sister was very sobering to me. She died on Jan 11th. Her birthday is coming up. Dec. 24th. Not knowing it would be the last time I saw my mother alive would prove to be even a bigger shock. She died on Feb 10th. I try not to dwell on it much. I can't help but think of them. They were a big part of my life and always will be.
I try to keep their memory alive the best way I know how. I sometimes feel they are looking over me and out for me. I feel them help me when an idea just can't come to light or when things don't flow. I took this picture on Dec 19th 2011 in Hastings Florida and was glad to see roses growing in the Winter. Even if it was in Florida. Just another stark reminder that all things are possible. Sometimes you have to believe it can be done and just find a way to make it happen.

I always give my best...

2011-12-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

That's all I can do, give my best. It seems that I take 2 steps forward and 3 to 4 back. But it is good to note that I always get back up. Not much to say lately. I feel like I've said a lot of what I need to say. Recently I did something that I am not proud of. I hurt someones feelings when I wasn't trying to. I sometimes let my silly thoughts get in the way of friendships. For this I apologize. Listening to some Level 42 tonight and the lyrics are really powerful. One of the reasons I love them. Time for bed. I'm exhausted.

Eminence Front

2011-12-11T21:35:00.001-05:00

When the clouds of darkness surround you, you need to find a way to cope. Sometimes you have to release those feelings by one or more means. I also find that sometimes you just need to compose yourself. A wonderful out for me resides in the fact that I can escape through music, art and at times a rejuvenating walk on the beach. I'm glad I'm not a junkie. Perhaps if I was, I would be a famous artist or musician in which Pete sings about. But, that lifestyle would not fit me well. I am who I am, and do not hold myself up to a standard of idol. I also find it obvious that when Pete Townsend wrote this song that people should not put on aires and just be themselves. There is no reason to outdo the others or be someone you are not.
Sometimes I wish I could just talk with certain people that I've known for years. I find that they have changed, not the people I once knew. That saddens me, but I understand that people change. I suppose I have as well. I grow tired sometimes of trying so hard to want to reach out to others, only to be shut down. I've come to accept it, but long to meet some new people who I can actually have a cool relationship with. I also have some friends that haven't changed since High School. That really saddens me. As they haven't or don't want to grow up. I don't know, maybe that isn't such a bad thing either. As I wrap up my 365 project for the year, I can't help but reflect on the days. I can actually look at each picture and tell you what I was feeling on that day.
I am looking forward to 2012. I have many things to accomplish this year. I have many a canvas to fill and stories to write as well. I've noticed some changes in my traffic patterns on my sites. I suppose I should let you know I am the real deal and will not write things just to keep people reading my blogs. They are from my own thought process and my own experiences. As boring or mundane as they may seem, they are rants and random thoughts from my gray matter.
I saw myself sitting next to a crackling fire on the north eastern coast of the U.S. waiting for some new guest at my bed and breakfast. Maybe this is where I belong. Someone who can let others experience the things that matter in life while they are traveling. The little things. Some good food and good conversation.
My cartoon series ideas are forming and taking shape. Now to pull it all together. Once that is up and running it may be time to come up with an entire story. One day at a time. Enough about that.

Remember to take the road less traveled, as you may find yourself once again. You may even find a few old friends waiting for you at the other end. One can only hope.

Are you kidding me??? - and other strange stories and rants from this week

2011-12-02T22:24:00.001-05:00

So, I am asking myself, "why would I put such a pretty photo on such a weird topic"? Just because I am so confused by the actions of others that I felt it was the appropriate thing to do. It's like there is a storm out there and I'm in the sunny part of it right now. I've been in the dark clouds and under the black water and don't care for it.
I have a bunch of really good, positive things happening to me right now, but at the same time I have a bunch of really weird things going on with friends as well. Some of it's strange and some of it is disturbing. Just when I thought I knew people, I find out I really don't and in some cases I never really truly knew them back then as well.
So, I'm rambling I know, but it's my fucking blog, so whatever. :) Anyhow, so to all of you I say, be yourself, by honest, but think before you write things. Sometimes a harsh word does not warrant the situation and other times the absence of compassion is just absurd. When it comes to helping people, do the right thing. Take a moment to get something for someone else. Talk with the janitor, not just the ass kissing manager. Who is going to clean you off the floor when you are let go? Not that manager, that's for sure. Oh, and while we are on the topic, get your head out of your bosses ass and all the other bosses asses. They know you are a kiss ass.

How many people did you throw under the bus today to make yourself look good? Shame on you!

Oh, and to all of you smart people out there who want me off your mailing list because some spam got your way, piss off. I'm a Mac, I don't know how you got spam from me...So, block me, delete me, write nasty notes back to me, whatever... Your turn will come some day. Hackers don't discriminate. No, I don't automatically delete or write nasty messages to my friends who have spammed me. I just delete it and move on. I just have to laugh at times at the silliness that I come across. Most folks have such a distorted view of what life is about. I feel sorry for them. I feel for them when their health fails them and they can't help themselves. Sad, but it's coming. For those bosses that are forced to retire, if you wouldn't have done wrong for all those years, the outcome could have been totally different. Shame on you as well.
Ok, I think I'm almost done now. As my 365 project comes to an end, (thank you Lord, as I am not a narcissist as some would like to think. I rather dislike taking my picture but stuck to the project) I am looking forward to writing stories about people who inspire me. Real people, not the fake ones. Oh, ya, the power of speaking out loud... I have this gift of saying things, changing things just by putting them out there. To the boss who has nothing but nasty things to say to others, how did it feel to have laryngitis for a week. I only asked that he change his ways with a life changing event to show him the way. I suppose it's hard to speak nasty to others if you can't speak. I also hope the person that needed a change of heart learned from the experience as well. It worked. Prepare to answer to your own maker in the end. You have to live with the guilt and the wrong doing.
On a positive note, I'm almost done with this rambling of sorts. I have much much more to talk about with the family as well. I'm still very upset with the way my mom and sisters whole passing\waiting for 4 months for funeral services\not getting one fucking item of my dear mothers\ no say in anything fiasco that occurred this last year. I am glad 2011 is coming to a close. So for those of my relatives who think I'm an asshole, or that I don't call, or I don't ever want to travel back to Ohio, Or think all I care about is myself, understand how I feel. I lost my mother and sister. All I can see right now is a service with 20 people, 2 pastors that were more interested in saving people than dealing with the task at hand and how one sided the service was. It really pissed me off. Oh and for the record, mom wanted me to play the song that I wrote. She loved that song. We will always have that...as a matter of fact I'm playing it right now for her.
I could tell that when I was home that things were really not good, but didn't fully understand just how bad they were. All the fighting while my sister was passing away in the other room, the blame game, the way Kim's kids were treated, the favorites, the not so favorites, the cluster fuck that was going on. I totally look forward to 2012 with open arms. Good things are happening and it will only get better.
Almost there people...

enough for one sitting. If you made it this far, you must be connected to me. Otherwise you would have quit reading this 3 paragraphs ago.

"I feel like this is the beginning, though I've loved you for a million years"... Stevie Wonder.

Got to love Stevie.

Running blind

2011-12-01T21:36:00.001-05:00

Day 333 of my 365 pictures. This occurred a couple of days ago, but I feel compelled to write about it now. I had a very busy day at work and was all cranked up, so I decided to go for an evening run on the beach. The tide was really low. As I started running, it seemed that the sun just sank into the ground. It was dark in an instant. I was on cruise control. I had my music on and couldn't quite make out too much in front of me. I felt as if my sister and mom were with me as I was running. I felt bursts of energy and was smiling from ear to ear. I had time to just let my mind run free and to think of the special people in my life. I hope they realize how much they mean to me. I'm looking forward to my inspiration series this coming year... (starting in one month...) I found out tonight that sometimes you need to run blind to have the faith to keep going forward without knowing what is directly in front of you but ultimately knowing where your destination will lead you.
Good things are happening all around me. I've just been more sensitive to them lately. 2012 is the year of good things to come for myself and those that are close to me. I can feel it in my bones. I feel that my life is finally going in the right direction. It can get a bit confusing and discouraging at times but I have to remind myself that it will change soon. It always does. To have purpose is to have peace.
Over the Thanksgiving Holiday I was walking on the beach and noticed a huge amount of porpoise pods up and down the beach. It was amazing. It's as if they charge the water with their presence. They were playing, splashing and just having a wonderful time. There is something special about them.
My art is progressing nicely. I feel some non digital paintings are on my horizons. I need to get my art back on, my way, without compromise. Sometimes demanding people put a damper on my art and stifle my creativity. I believe it's time to do what I want to do and not worry about the pain in the ass people who want me to do something else.
peace.

Winds of change

2011-11-10T23:24:00.001-05:00

I remember a time back in 1985 when I graduated out of "A" school in the Navy and reported to my first ship. The U.S.S. Yosemite. Today I was reflecting on those days and in particular the duties and responsibilities I had as a 20 something kid in the armed forces. I have a huge respect for the flag and what it stands for. But it dawned on me when I got back from a major cruise that I saw the flag everyday, but never really looked at it from the perspective I did on that day. It was blowing in the wind. Just rippling in the wind. It was beautiful. I was never more proud of what I was doing and why on that day, the day we pulled back into port. Being gone for almost a year changed me. I made friendships that last to this day, I had disappointments, found love, lost at love, lived life, served on foreign soils, and tried to be friends with everyone.
Some days I yearn to have those days back. Other days I just smile and reflect on the times I had spent with my friends. It was a good time to be alive and kicking. As you roll into Veterans Day tomorrow, be mindful of veterans and smile and thank them for a job well done. I am not an advocate of war but was willing to die for my country. That is a sacrifice most will not take anymore, as times have changed. It takes a special person to make that commitment. The next time you see a flag standing tall in the wind, snapping and cracking, remember we are free to fly that flag and remember what it stands for.

John Binkley
United States Navy
1984-1988

Struggle

2011-11-01T20:56:00.004-04:00

I thought to myself today as I looked at my screensaver at work and remembered back on this day in 2008 I took this very picture in Dahlonega Georgia. It was the most awesome time of year to be in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountain area. I had to stop for a moment and reflect on that morning. A huge smile came over my face. I thought about how I have been feeling lately and how I feel that I have been struggling for some odd reason. Then I thought about the word struggle. I know that the Lord doesn't give me more than I can handle. Struggle to me broken down turns into Strength To Really Understand God's Gifts, Love Everlasting. I started to think about my personal struggles and my need to do something Art related in my life and to share the gift with others, to really make a difference. An Art Teacher came to mind. I had heavy influences when I was growing up in small town Ohio around the art scene. I didn't know it then but I was a lump of clay just waiting to be formed. My lump has started taking shape and now is the time to pursue my passion for the thing that I love the most. ART. I wish now that I would have had someone pushing me harder to figure out a way to go Art School when I got out of High School.
I remember volunteering at Finnegan Elementary School just outside the Navy Base at Mayport Florida when I was in the service. I assisted the art teacher who traveled to different schools because they didn't have a full time Art Teacher in the budget. I understand the fact that they don't make that much money, but the look on the kids faces as I helped sketch out an idea or a caricature was priceless. It was fun to have them expand their minds and to feel like art was an outlet. Everyone was smiling and asking questions. It was pretty cool. As for me, who was in my mid 20's back in 1987, it was an experience I soon will not forget. So the next time you feel like you are struggling, use your own mind to figure out what it is you need to be doing. Self exploration is a wave of thought generated about yourself, for yourself. Take a few minutes each day to go to that place. Maybe I will generate a program where I travel around the country and the world and speak to the importance of art to those who want to learn it. Then hold classes to spread the positive vibes. I can guide others in my own style of creativity that others may want to learn. Yes, maybe yes it will be done.

Never stop learning, never stop loving. The day you do is the day you lose yourself.

Taking it one day at a time

2011-10-31T22:09:00.002-04:00

You know, one of my biggest downfalls in life is the fact that I over think entirely too much. I can't decide if I want to decide to decide to decide or not. I'm trying to figure out what I want to go back to school for. A business degree, an art degree, I just don't know. I woke up this morning feeling really odd. I mean I felt a sense of loss today. I couldn't find my way. Work was even a struggle for some reason today. I'm glad this day is almost over. I spoke with a few of my friends today and ran into a few I haven't seen in quite some time. The common theme from all of them was "take it one day at a time" They expressed that is what they were doing. I believe I should adopt this philosophy and cut myself some slack. I need to make sure I have a steady permanent position before I decide to tackle 2,4 or 6 years of night school.
In the mean time, I am honing my art skills. That is what I love. The ideas for a cartoon strip and book come and go. The main character changes daily. I can't seem to focus on any one idea for drawing as of late. I think I need a break and some time off without fear of not being paid, or worse, fired. I try to keep a focus on what is important and what really matters but find that difficult at times. Boy, do I need some focus...
or something else.
On a more upbeat note, this too will change as all things do. I just have to keep that in mind. Oh, one other thing. I decided that when I win the lottery that I am going to help the people who have helped me out in life. That includes anyone who reads my thoughts here and supports me. Thanks.

taking it one day at a time,

John

Maybe I need to open that Bed and Breakfast after all...

Love will lead you back...

2011-09-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

Saying goodbye is never an easy thing
But you never said, that you'd stay forever
So if you must go
Well, darlin, I'll set you free
But I know in time
That well be together
Oh, I wont try
To stop you now from leaving
Cause in my heart I know

Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
Im sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It wont be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back

One of these nights
Well I'll hear your voice again
Youre gonna say, oh, how much you miss me
You walked out this door
But someday you'll walk back in
Oh, darling I know
Oh, I know this will be
Sometimes it takes, sometime out on your own now
To find your way back home

But I wont try to stop you now from leaving
Cause in my heart I know...oh yeah

Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
It wont be long
One of these days
Our love will lead you back

This song hit me pretty hard today when I heard it again. I don't think I've heard it in about 10 years. I was going through my rainy day box trying to pull together some pictures of my mom. I will put together a slide show of her images. I just can't seem to get my act together at the moment. I miss her a lot. I found this little Mother's Day goodie in my box. I think she wanted me to see it today. It was my mom's way of saying I remember and that she knows I always think about her. She kept everything. I found all kinds of things I don't remember seeing previously. I'm not sure where this picture was taken but I must have been 5 or 6. I miss my family members and those who have passed away. I miss my old friends growing up. I miss my friends from the Navy. I had a lot of good memories in my lifetime. Remember to keep love alive and it will come back to you someday.

A new dawn has arrived

2011-09-29T11:39:00.001-04:00

Ok, it's the morning after the kidney stone procedure. I had to go for a walk this even though there was some pain, I had to get my feet in the water to get re-energized. Back home for some much needed rest. I have to admit the results from this procedure are far better compared to the last time I had this done.
I am truly blessed to be able to take such amazing photos of the beauty that is around us. I am researching and planning out the next chapter in my life book as we speak. Thank you for following along with me as I try and figure out how we are supposed to interact in this life. I have contact with people from all over the world. The amazing thing is, we are all just people, here on earth for a reason. I am glad that I know people from other countries and can interact with them. I hope they feel I am as much an influence on them as they are on me.
Sometimes the picture that I paint is not as it seems. Others don't get the chance to see the underpainting as I see it. But I have the choice to change it. If it gets dark some days for you, don't fret, a new dawn will arrive. Be patient.

Traveling man

2011-09-27T23:06:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in your life when you have to make some real decisions and stand by them. I believe that time has come. Time to start planning my exodus. I have out welcomed my stay in this town. For many reasons it is time to move on. It may take a few years but my calling is not here. So now comes the tall task of figuring out where to move. San Francisco?, somewhere in Colorado?, or Vermont?, perhaps Chicago? the New York area? I have time to weigh options. I have to think about my kids as well. But I also have to go where the jobs are. The ultimate goal is to be able to work from any town, anywhere and make my living. It is starting to come together. I just have to be diligent and remain faithful to the task at hand. What a shame, that I should pass not doing what I was born to do. I see so many unhappy people chained to a job. For the money only. You need to love what you do. I am gearing up for next years project called "Inspirations" Between that, my illustrations and working a full time job, I should be able to squeeze in time to look for a suitable place to hone my craft.

Buona notte tutti (good night all)

What are you planting?

2011-09-25T11:49:00.002-04:00

"Every thought you express plants a seed. Don't expect roses to grow if you plant crabgrass"

So, you are sitting around asking yourself, "ok, I'm 47 years old, what are my next steps in life? What kind of job will I have next? Where am I heading? Will I have enough money to sustain? When will I die? Does it even matter? You could actually substitute the 47 number with 18, or 88. One thing you have to do is make sure that happiness reigns. I have seen so many people that are really miserable in their jobs, unhappy in their lives, and wondering what the hell am I doing? Do not feel alone. If you are not thinking about what you are doing then maybe you should. I have been...

Every time I walk down the beach I see the trash and cigarette butts, (just plain lazy and don't care)I see the fat people throwing the wrappers out the window (probably out of guilt), I see the lazy smokers throwing the butts out the window,(wouldn't want the car to stink...hahahaha) I see drivers flipping off each other and driving like fucking raving lunatics. Why? I'm in a hurry to get to work? Or are you late and just thinking of yourself? I'm just curious?

I learned a lot when I was laid off and couldn't find a job. I observed many things and had a wake up call. Being happy is truly the most important thing in life. If you died tomorrow, what would you have to say for yourself. Were you happy? Did you do the things in life that you wanted to do? Did you do the things you needed to do? Or were you miserable, depressed and always frantic about where you were going to live, or if you were going to get laid off? I tell you this much, life is not easy for most, but you have to get off your lazy fat ass and be a productive human being. So while you are stuffing your pie hole with all those processed fat generators and living in all your commercialism, I hope you are happy and debt free. Do you lay in bed at night and think "how did I get here?" Time for some changes in the human race, people. Have you helped someone lately? Wake up!

I'm planting flower seeds, how big and how colorful they get depend on how you and I take care of them and water\fertilize them.

Damn those 80's

2011-09-14T23:41:00.002-04:00

I found the most awesome 80's station on Itunes. Open your itunes, go to Radio and scroll down to 80's flashback pick "AceRadio"Awesome 80's. I swear, if you close your eyes, you go back in time. Well, while I'm on the subject, at times I wonder how I made it through the 80's. I remember being taken advantage of at different stages in my life. I also remember I learned from those times as well. They were painful at times. Especially your so called buddies that used to take full advantage of you. I finally figured it out. I suppose that's why my male friends are few and far between. I was the butt of the jokes. I always felt like I was a fish out of water. As much as I want to forget about some things in my life, I can't. Nor should I. I also remember having spurts in my life where I had too many interests coming in from females and at other times none,- zero, zilch,-notta. It was drenched or drought. I remember heartbreaks growing up in my life as well. I was the guy that was being broken up with most of the time and wondered, what am I doing wrong? Then I finally figured out, it's wasn't always me.
I used to wish that people had a big sign stating their intentions. Single, just looking, or something other than Just looking, but not for you or stay away, I'll just break your heart. I have moved on and learned from those times, but go there some days. Well, it's late, I'm tired and I'm rambling once again. I think it's time to walk away for a bit. I'll be glad when the new year gets here. I have a good feeling about 2012.

Ramble on...

2011-09-12T19:41:00.001-04:00

Sausalito to San Francisco

As I finished my run on the beach tonight, I paused to take off my shoes and put my feet in the cool ocean water. "Ramble on" by Led Zeppelin came on. I thought, how fitting. It was perfect timing. Deep song. This is definitely one of my good months. I have been digging into my Chinese horoscope lately. Wood Dragon 64. I was reminded tonight from a different social network the importance of life. It is truly a gift that should not be taken lightly. I am starting to understand that. We will all have good days and bad days, but it depends on what level you are at. I was reminded today just how nasty cancer is. I have friends that are battling it now, some that couldn't fight anymore, some that gave up and some that don't know they have it yet. Do me a favor, if you feel low or depressed, call a friend, or talk to someone. If you feel suicidal, think twice about it. Life is a gift that is so precious. Talk to one of my friends with cancer and you will have a whole new perspective on life. To be cancer free, to be "normal" again. (whatever that means anymore, someone please define normal) Do me a favor, if you are reading this, put on "Ramble On" look at this picture of the Golden Gate Bridge. You just left Sausalito, you're on a motorcycle, the wind is blowing through your hair, Ramble on is playing. Soon you will be back in the city... Enjoy life, it was meant to be enjoyed and lived...

Ramble on!

"Leaves are fallin' all around, time I was on my way
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay
but now it's time for me to go, the autumn moon lights my way
for now I smell the rain, and with it, pain
and it's headed my way
Aw, sometimes I grow so tired
but I know I've got one thing I got to do

A-ramble on, and now's the time, the time is now
Sing my song, I'm goin' 'round the world, I gotta find my girl
On my way, I've been this way ten years to the day
Ramble on, gotta find the queen of all my dreams

Got no time to for spreadin' roots, the time has come to be gone
And though our health we drank a thousand times
it's time to ramble on

A-ramble on, and now's the time, the time is now
Sing my song, I'm goin' 'round the world
I've gotta find my girl
On my way, I've been this way ten years to the day
I gotta ramble on, I gotta find the queen of all my dreams
I tell you no lie

Mine's a tale that can't be told, my freedom I hold dear
How years ago in days of old when magic filled the air
'twas in the darkest depths of Mordor, mm-I met a girl so fair
but Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her
her, her, yeah, and ain't nothin' I can do, no

I guess I'll keep on ramblin', I'm gonna
Sing my song/Sh-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I've gotta find my baby
I'm gonna ramble on, sing my song
Gonna work my way all around the world
Baby, baby/Ramble on, yeah"

Storyboards of life

2011-09-11T23:03:00.002-04:00

I can remember back when my youngest started school. She used to come home telling me how the other kids would make fun of her because she was so much taller then they were. I told her it was ok and that it was "cool to be her" Thus the first rough mock up of the "It's cool to be me" book started breathing life. It basically showed her a different perspective on her height and how it can be a cool thing. It worked. My watercolor sketch needs some work, but this was a work in progress storyboard. I'm working on that portion of the project as we speak. Thank goodness for digital painting. And, no, it's not as easy as you would think.
Ironically, our lives are but a storyboard of ideas and experiences. I've started a new concept book and can't wait to get it in full creative mode. It is starting out slower than I had hoped with the story line and with character design, but it is moving forward!