My Life: A Momento

My Bucket List

2010-10-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've been working in a "bucket list" for a while- things I really desire to do before I die. Some of these I have already done, but I have a whole lot more to check off. The way I see it, life is too precious and short to waste around doing nothing. I only have one life to live, and I want to fill it with as much adventure and fulfillment as possible.

1. Fall in love
2. Marry my soulmate and best friend
3. Be a mother
4. Help teenage girls through recovery
5. See a butterfly emerge from a cocoon
6. Look myself in the mirror, tell myself I am beautiful, and really believe it
7. Help someone who is helpless
8. Go exploring through the woods with just me and God
9. See the sunrise from the top of a hill
10. Get a Master's Degree
11. Go to Italy
12. Go on a cruise
13. See Jason Upton and Misty Edwards in concert
14. Go on an African safari
15. Go bungee jumping
16. Swim with dolphins
17. Do a 5K for a cause
18. Read the Bible through in a year
19. Play the violin in front of a large audience
20. Go on a blind date
21. Get a full body massage
22. Get a tattoo
23. Shoot a really big gun
24. Ride in a helicopter
25. Wear 4 inch heels
26. Dye my hair a crazy color
27. Ride a camel
28. Relax on the beach at night
29. Go on a wine tasting
30. Change a tire by myself
31. Plant a tree
32. Get a pug
33. Dance in front of an audience
34. Spend a day doing absolutely nothing
35. Eat a foreign delicacy
36. Make a stuffed animal at Build-A-Bear
37. See the pyramids in Egypt
38. Learn to make cheese
39. Plant a flower garden
40. Go to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
41. Get a mud bath
42. Swim underneath a waterfall
43. Chase a rainbow
44. Visit the Greek Isles
45. Visit the Holy Land in Israel
46. See a tornado
47. Own my own home
48. Spend the night at a homeless shelter
49. See a meteor shower
50. Go to Disneyworld and feel like a kid again
51. Send myself flowers on Valentine's Day
52. Pick out a classic novel from the library and read it
53. Go on a boat ride in Venice
54. Visit a concentration camp
55. Spend an entire day with my dad
56. Spend an entire day with my mom
57. Buy myself a piece of real silver jewelry
58. Be able to do the splits
59. Ballroom dance in the street at night
60. Take a pottery class
61. Take a painting class
62. Play the violin at Carnige Hall
63. Learn to play the drums
64. Go to a film festival
65. Cook something without following a recipe
66. Enter something in a cooking contest
67. Get glamor shots done by a professional photographer
68. Be in a play
69. Run through a field of poppies
70. Ride a motorcycle on the highway
71. Dance around a fire
72. Ride in a hot air balloon
73. Go to a drive in movie
74. Get kissed in the rain
75. Go to England and see Stonehenge

Letter from God

2010-09-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

This is a letter that I wrote to myself from God's perspective. I hope it challenges and strengthens you as it did me. It is my prayer that God reveals His infinite love to you.

My darling daughter,
I want you to know just how much I love you. You are my daughter, my bride, my princess. I could never be angry with you. I release you from condemnation, for in me there is none. I love you with an unconditional love which no earthly person could possibly give you. I release you from all your feelings of guilt and shame. When you are hurting, I am hurting with you. When you rejoice, I am rejoicing with you. I understand exactly how you feel, for I know you better than you know yourself. I know your needs, wants, wishes, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, hurts, and past mistakes. I am not distant from you. I am still here, even if you may not feel me like you think you should. I long to lavish you with kisses, and rejoice and sing over you. Though you may feel removed from me and my love, I have not gone or left you. I could never leave you. My presence is part of who I am. There are reasons for your feelings which you are not ready to understand. Put your full trust in me. Though people have hurt and failed you in the past, they are human. I could never reject you. When others reject you, they reject me- for you are my child. I want to open your eyes and your heart to receive all the wonderful things I have to give you. Accept my forgiveness. The moment you called out my name and repented, I forgave you. I do not hold anything against you as the world does. Open yout eyes to the reality of my love. I am more real than anything that you can now see, for I created and made all those things. When you look at my creation, you are looking at me. I know your doubts and your fears. I long to take away all those fears. They are all lies from the enemy. In me there is no fear. Rest and take comfort in me. Let me take your burdens. Surrender EVERYTHING that separates us, for I long to be close to you. You have been clinging so tightly to your past for so long. Let me take your yoke of shame and guilt. I long to give you freedom. I want you to live out the life that I have destined for you and called you to. My will for your life is perfect and your future is bright. Surrender control to me. Trust me with your whole heart. I will never fail you. I will never forsake you. I am pleased with you, my daughter. I am the daddy you never experienced on earth. I can give you much more than anyone on earth ever could. I am going to blow your mind with all the plans I have for you. Your future is in me and in my hands. Do not worry, for I am in control of EVERY situation. Though your faith may be small right now, I will use it and strengthen it. Though you are weak, in me you are made strong. I am waiting for you with open arms. I am waiting for you to come back to me. Do not be afraid. In me there is no fear. My love fights fear, and love conquers all. Believe in me as I believe in you. I believe you will come out victorious. I will give you the strength and power you need. But you must forgive yourself as I have forgiven you. My son Jesus has already paid your ransom on the cross. He took on all your sins. Let go of your guilt. Let go of your shame. Let go of everything that separates us. I long to be closer and closer to you every day. Let me love on you. Find rest in me. I am your comforter, your shepherd, your Daddy. Don't place your identity in what the world has to offer. Place your identity in me and our relationship. I am right here. I have seen your tears. It is ok to cry. You are safe in my will. I am waiting. Will you run to me?

All my love,
Daddy God

Another 40 Reasons

2010-08-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

So, here are my 40 reasons NOT to recover. This is basically what my eating disorder says, and reasons that keep me in it.

1. I would have control
2. It is easier
3. I wouldn't have to fight and could just give up
4. I would get more attention
5. I wouldn't have to gain weight
6. I would never have to worry about getting fat
7. Seeing my body change
8. It is something I'm good at
9. The sense of self-control
10. It shows I'm disciplined
11. I have accomplished something
12. The dedication and hard work it took to get here
13. It's something I can hold on to
14. All the compliments I get
15. It is what I know to do
16. Everyone else is over-reacting
17. I have a sense of power
18. I get to wear small clothes
19. Never having to hear my mom tell me I have hips
20. The high I get from feeling hungry
21. Never having to feel full
22. Knowing I can just take laxatives if I eat too much
23. Feeling energized from diet pills
24. Not having to worry about a period
25. Being able to see my collar bones
26. Saving money on food
27. Seeing all the food in the cabinet and knowing I didn't eat it
28. Being able to make a meal out of coffee and gum
29. Having a set ritual
30. Being able to make my own rules
31. I don't have to change if I don't want to
32. I don't have to answer to anyone else
33. I proved that I could do it
34. I'm too far gone anyway
35. There's no way to get back to normal
36. It's just too hard to recover
37. I can just repent and ask for forgiveness later
38. People pay more attention
39. All the gifts and letters I've gotten
40. The feeling of reaching and accomplishing a goal that not many others could do

40 Reasons

2010-07-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

40 Reasons I want to recover...

1. Because I'm worth it
2. To be healthy
3. To feel fully alive
4. I will have muscle again
5. I will be able to swim like I used to
6. Because I want a future
7. I want to get married
8. I want to have children and be a mommy
9. I will be able to help others who have gone through the same battle
10. I will have a great career
11. I want to graduate from college
12. I don't want to be a burden
13. I don't want to put any more financial strain on my parents
14. All my true friends and family are worried about me
15. I wouldn't have to constantly think about food
16. I could finally sleep at night
17. I wouldn't have to go to the hospital or psych ward
18. I wouldn't have to be stuck with IV's
19. I would have a stronger heart and lungs
20. I could think more clearly
21. I could concentrate on my work
22. I would get more done since I'm not preoccupied with food
23. I wouldn't have to spend so much time on appointments to therapists, doctors, and support groups
24. I would have more time to do the things I really love to do
25. I would have time to discover new things I enjoy
26. I would take this as a learning process
27. Because God wants to see me recover
28. Because I am God's temple
29. Because I don't really have the "control" I thought I had
30. I will be able to eat with friends without feeling anxiety or fear
31. Because I place my identity in God, not ED
32. Because I am God's precious treasure, and I am grieving Him when I stay with ED
33. Because divorcing ED is a huge accomplishment
34. I will finally be free
35. I will no longer be bound by the chains of Satan
36. My clothes will actually fit
37. I will be whole again
38. I won't be constantly cold all the time
39. I will emerge as a stronger woman on the other side
40. I will have a life and be able to fulfill God's will and destiny that He has planned for me

If I was photographed naked...

2010-07-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

So this was one of the first entries I wrote during my stay at Magnolia Creek. I thought it was pretty interesting.

Written March 9, 2010

If my life was photographed naked, it would be an expression of true beauty. It would show the inner qualities of a woman of God. The qualities that truly matter- strength, dignity, self-worth. It would be an individual expression of unique qualities that I possess and want to share with other women. It would show that I do not place my worth in my outward appearance or a number on a scale. I do not place it in blemishes or scars. I embrace those scars. Those scars tell a story. They are a part of me, but they do not define who I am. I do not place my worth in the size of my thighs, or whether they jiggle when I run. No, my worth and my identity are worth far more than these transitory and insignificant traits. This woman is a work of art, a miracle crafted by the creator God. I am unashamed of my body, because it is not even my own. My body does not belong to me but to God, and He perfectly crafted and shaped it in His very own likeness. My body is a living testimony, a walking testament of health, vigor, and wellness. It is a representation of wholeness and fulfillment. This day, I choose to abandon and reject all the things the world tells me about my body, and embrace it as a precious treasure.

I Wish...

2010-07-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

I made a list of wishes when things started getting hard in life. Ironically, looking back at these, many of these desires I have already found, or don't want anymore. Many of them are currently in progress.

Written September 5, 2009

I wish I could fly.
I wish I could see through the pain.
I wish I had no regrets in life.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I wasn't as sensitive to what other people say about me.
I wish I didn't have to hide behind a mask and pretend to be something I'm not.
I wish I wasn't afraid of food.
I wish I could see things through the eyes of Christ.
I wish I could figure out who I am.
I wish I could sing...and dance.
I wish I wasn't afraid of what other people thought about me.
I wish I was a better driver.
I wish I could change things.
I wish things would stay the same.
I wish I was more decisive.
I wish I could feel God...and see and touch Him.
I wish I liked tomatoes...they seem pretty cool.
I wish I knew what I was doing.
I wish I was more open.
I wish I was more reserved.
I wish I had more confidence in myself and in my abilities.
I wish I could forget.
I wish I could remember.
I wish I could get really angry just once.
I wish I was more comfortable being by myself.
I wish I had more friends.
I wish I knew how to be a better friend.
I wish I could put together an outfit like on the manequins and look really good in it.
I wish I was more understood.
I wish I could understand.
I wish I had more great ideas.
I wish I had all the answers.
I wish I could see every country in the world.
I wish I had the guts to go bungee jumping.
I wish I wasn't afraid of escalators.
I wish I had the right words to say.
I wish I knew what people were thinking.
I wish I could find some comfort.
I wish I could rest.
I wish I wouldn't worry about every little thing.
I wish I wouldn't worry about the big things.
I wish I could trust people more.
I wish I wasn't so trusting of people.
I wish my life wasn't so complicated.
I wish my life wasn't so mundane.
I wish my life wasn't full of paradoxes.
I wish I drank more water.
I wish there really was an "easy" button.
I wish I wasn't afraid of rejection.
I wish I wasn't afraid of failure.
I wish I knew all my fears.
I wish I was better at talking.
I wish I was better at listening.
I wish my face wouldn't break out so much.
I wish I had more control.
I wish I could have candles in my apartment.
I wish I had more money to buy more candles.
I wish I had more money period.
I wish I had more time.
I wish time would go by faster.
I wish I was more sophisticated and artsy and read books while drinking Earl Grey tea in a charming little coffee house, while listening to a mellow Indies-Punk band.
I wish I could remember what all I wished.
I wish I didn't get hurt so easily...physically and emotionally.
I wish I could cry more.
I wish I didn't cry so much.
I wish I didn't have to take chemistry.
I wish I could say all my thoughts out loud without being afraid of what people would think.
I wish I didn't feel guilty after eating.
I wish I had the strength to ask for help.
I wish I could just walk up to people and start a really awesome conversation.
I wish I knew more about God.
I wish I knew more about the Bible.
I wish I didn't ask God "Why".
I wish I fully understood my own sin.
I wish I fully understood God's unconditional love for me.

My most powerful letter

2010-07-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Here is what I believe to be the most powerfu and meaningful letters that I have written to date. It was during my deepest time of desperation, when I finally realized how out of control things had gotten, and I was done living in denial. In retrospect, I can see how far I've come since then, and yet how real and raw these feelings were. I don't know the exact date that I wrote this, but it was probably sometime in April 2010. I do realize that sharing this is being very vulnerable, but I am willing to take that risk in order to share my voice and stop living in darkness. So, here it is...

Dear God,
I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to express how I feel. You know how I feel. You know I am hurting. You know I am angry. There, I said it. I AM ANGRY! I am so frustrated with myself. I am overwhelmed with emotion. Please help me be able to express my emotions to others and tell them how I really feel. How can I expect others to know unless I tell them? I was to scream from the top of my lungs, to yell at the wind, to just let everything out. Oh how badly I want to be recovered. To finally be set free from ED and all these behaviors. I know I have to make a conscious effort, to really put in the work in order to make it. This is my life, my chance. Why can't I just be done with it all? I want my normal life back. I want to be the real, authentic Jess and nothing else. Why do I have to go through this? Right now, it makes no sense. I want to be understood. I feel like I've been beat down, and that scares me. I am angry at ED for making me be here. I am angry that I don't fully understand it. I am angry that it put me in this place. I am angry that it made me miss out on so many things in life. I am angry that it destroyed relationships. I hate you ED for breaking my parent's hearts. I hate you for breaking my heart. I hate you for coming in between my relationship with God. I hate you for being manipulative and deceiving. I hate how you convinced me to lie and be manipulative. I hate who I am when I am with you. That is not the true Jessica. She wants out. She wants to be free. FOREVER! Nothing less than true, authentic freedom. I want to climb on top of a mountain and scream FREEDOM! But you still hold me in chains and shackles. You still keep me down. I feel like a slave to you. You sucked the life out of me. I still feel bound when I deserve freedom. I deserve a life without ED. So why the heck am I still living with this sickening, debilitating disease? ED is so strong. So powerful. Sometimes I just feel so weak against it. Why does it have to be such a struggle? I need help. Oh God I need you. You are so much stronger and more powerful than my disorder. I beg you to take it away. I am sick of it! I am so fed up! I don't want to live this way! This is not how my life should be. I was made for more than this. My soul is longing for peace. Longing for hope. Longing for a way out. God give me a way out! Some way to get out of this hole. Out of this mess I got myself into. It's not fair! Pull me out God. Help me ask others for help. Help me to help myself. Help me be patient with myself. Help me eat what I'm supposed to eat, nothing more, nothing less. Help me to speak up when I have questions, when I'm confused. ED has silenced my voice for too long. He doesn't want me to ask questions, to speak up, to ask for help. He wants me to wander in the grocery store for hours, to buy food I don't need, to stare at a menu dumbfounded, to go through the trash. I am sick of these behaviors! I want to break this rediculous cycle. I cannot possibly continue these behaviors and live the life I want to live. The life of fulness, of fulfillment. I have a destiny, and it doesn't include ED. The destruction and devastation that ED has done is so overwhelming, so enormous. I hate you ED for putting me through so much anguish. If I could see you right now, oh what I would do to you! I would put all the shooting practice with my dad to good use, and he would help me. I would hunt you down and kill you. No, wait. I would make you suffer slowly. Just the way you made me suffer. I would make you cry out in agony the way you made me cry out in agony. You would finally feel the pain you made me endure. I would crush your spirit and make you feel hopeless. And then I would leave you for dead and walk away. I have clung for you for too long. I have been nurturing this relationship for too long. You will NOT steal my desires. You will NOT steal my joy. You will NOT steal my freedom. You will NOT steal my life. You cannot have me! I do not belong to you. I am sick of living as a slave to you. I hate how lonely I feel with you around. I hate going through the garbage. I hate spending hours in grocery stores. I hate spending Saturday nights sobbing in front of a toliet. You stole Thanksgiving and Christmas from me and my family. I hate feeling like a disappointment. I hate spending the night in a hospital bed, and spending days in a psych ward. Above all, I hate feeling like I deserve all that. I hate feeling guilty and shameful and embarrassed. I never deserved any of that. I don't deserve you. You have violated me in every possible way. You have taken away everything that I love in life. I want to know ED for what it truly is, to see what it has truly done. For only then can I recover. Only then can I truly break free. So don't be a coward, ED. Show your face. Stop being deceitful and malicious. You have done enough damage. I am through with the suffering. I am through with the lies. I have been beaten, degraded, crushed, lied to, and manipulated. But I will NEVER stop fighting. I will NEVER give up. I have a big and powerful God fighting for me, and a team full of soldiers on my side. You better watch your back!

The Beginning

2010-07-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

So, I thought I would share my struggles from what I have written in my journal in the past. I don't expect others to understand all that I have gone through, but hopefully this will shed some light and encourage a few people. I know that there is hope, and I believe in freedom. I am real, and this is me.

From March 9, 2010
How did I end up here? I didn't even know how bad things were. I guess I tried living in denial for so long, suppressing my pain, while my body was literally wasting away. How did I ever get down to 80 pounds? I do not even know how sick I really am. That's how I ended up here, at Magnolia Creek treatment center. This is what it means to hit rock bottom. To know true desperation. I know I am finally getting the help I need. I have neglected myself, my needs, and my body for far too long. I do have a voice, and now it is crying out in utter despair. I am desperate for a cure, for healing, for wholeness. O God! I am crying out for strength. I simply cannot fight ED and this battle on my own. I am tired of worrying about school, my parents' finances, work, the summer, the future, and everyone else's problems. I need to focus on myself now and get the help I deserve. God, I know you are there even when you feel so far away from me. WHy is it so hard for me to believe that? Help me to trust my treatment team. This has already been a long, hard journey and I am ready to be rid of ED. My eating disorder has taken control of every area of my life- my relationships, my friends, my family, my thoughts, my schoolwork, my internship...and now it is time for me to fight back!

So Here it goes...

2010-07-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

So this is the beginning of my blogging experience. I am thrilled to share my journey with you...the triumphs and victories, the hardships and hangups, the highs and the lows. I am vulnerable. I am honest. I am blunt without regard to the opinions of others. This is who I am. This experience is for the purpose of sharing with you, the reader, of where I have been, where I am, and where I am going on this big beautiful road of life, and somehow bringing all the glory to God through the story of my life and my testimony. Through sharing, I am giving myself a voice. I am no longer hiding in the shadows of loneliness and isolation. Today I choose to live. Today I choose to be free. Today I choose to be vulnerable, to be willing to take chances and make mistakes. I am not perfect, and never intend to be. But God is perfect and He is more than enough to cover this lump of clay and create it into something beautiful. I know He has something great ahead for me. My destiny is marked. There is no looking back. I am pressing forward to my destiny. Will you join me?