My Life After AA

Enabling the Silent Killer

2022-01-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

Enabling is a silent killer. Why would I say that? Most of us when we were active may have experienced a loved one or a well intentioned someone that aided and abetted our addiction even if it wasn’t their intention. These individuals may have been “people pleasers” or even a person that didn’t see our addiction as something to be concerned with (or more deleterious) a behavior that they felt in their heart of hearts would simply disappear. The “killer” was that those well-intentioned mortals slowed our inevitable end to the day we decided we were sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nor will I speculate that those souls may have inadvertently led those alcoholics to their demise because it has always been my belief that alcoholism is a choice behavior not a disease or a dis-ease if you will and responsibility will always lie IMO with the addict. Enabling can be a lethal practice but it’s “involuntary manslaughter.” Its sole purpose is for a better outcome for the ‘beloved’ but as I look back I saw it for what it was a human being in love that didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ and perceived a blind eye would serve. After 32+ plus years sobriety I understand that the enabler not as a killer because they’re just a do-gooder behaving as society would expect them to behave and the audience at large approving of. So, what to do? I think we must speak up when we spot enabling and gently remind the ‘perp’ that nothing good will result if it is continued. And I need remind you here if you are to take on this courageous act please take solace in that we are only responsible for the effort not the results. A torrent of resistance may meet us and smack us hard and can leave us smarting thinking we need to have kept our mouths shut but know that you are doing the right thing. Enabling is a killer and once we realize that the addict (if they choose to recovery) will always be in your debt if you don’t ‘aid and abet’ them. You also may make their ‘bottom’ a higher one and their ‘yets’ list a bit longer.

11,738 Days

2021-10-16T14:19:00.000-04:00

11,738 Days That’s 32.13 years marked in ordinary time and it went by in a blink but not without its trials and tribulations and I had the company of my fellow earthlings, so I was not alone. Sobriety can be daunting at first but little by slowly it becomes a way of life that makes navigating life on life’s terms often only a one ring circus instead of the three rings we had to endure while we were active. Juggling riding a horse while spinning a life of lies was never a place to spend existence and putting down the drink was the first step out of the mocus state. If we remember it is the first drink not the fifth or the tenth, then our awakening can take place. When we compare our drinking habits to others we set ourselves up for failure and patting ourselves on the back because we were never that bad leaves us exactly where we are lost, bewildered and without a handbook with our new self the chances for survival improve immeasurably. Another word about anonymity in today’s world. In the world of social media I often see open proclamations about how long people are sober and of course that’s a good thing but some of these newcomers will never be heard from again as sobriety is not about badges even though we mark our time sober in our own token economy. Most alcoholics today looking for recognition, notoriety and self-aggrandizement are many times in for a rude awakening when they slip and slide back into active alcoholism.

Some are sicker than others I will always remember and every day sober is better than our best day drunk.

Stop Lying to Yourself

2021-05-24T14:42:00.002-04:00

If there is one thing, I learned early on in my adventure of sobriety was to keep my word when I said I was going to do something. The usual caveats* notwithstanding doing what you said you would do and sticking by it no matter what, became my 11th Commandment. There were so many times we lied to ourselves musing we were going to quit because we had done damage the night before or if we were lucky only had a ripping hangover. We were placating ourselves, but no one knew that our “lie” was continuing. We patted ourselves on the back thinking we had decided that we were going to stop on such and such a date, (what a relief) but by the time the hangover was gone we were queuing up our next drunk. Keeping your word begins with keeping it with ourselves. When we lied to ourselves, we failed to realize that lying to everyone we met was a snap. Did we even notice when we lied? Did we conveniently forget? Did we think those we lied to would even remember? Once we got sober, we came to the realization that they did. We must tell the truth no matter the consequence because if we continue to lie it only gets worse. It makes the lie even greater than the misdeed. Imagining that when we stop lying the road to recovery begins. Let me step to the side for a moment and agree with what you might be thinking and that is the earthlings in our lives are guilty of not keeping their word too. There’s a difference however when the non-alcoholic lies it’s usually less egregious and although they might continue to lie to us because they might be lazy, or they don’t mean what they say we must let it go. When people lie to us keep your mouth shut. Not to say we become a doormat, but we must refrain but doling out our own personal justice. How do we tell the difference between someone that keeps their word from those around us that don’t? We don’t have to because they’re not on trial, but we are. Their lies will catch up on them we don’t have to help it along. Little by slowly as we emerge from this mocus state and we begin telling the truth and do what we say we’re going to do on a consistent basis, the faster we will recognize the people that just aren’t capable of the honesty that our sobriety demands the quicker the debate within us disappears. Remember people, do not throw stones at anybody else if they might be lying because their untruths will consume them at some point it’s just not up to us to dole out punishment. Are you guilty of the same sin I was that just because we stopped drinking or drugging that we had acquired new judicial powers over everyone else? Pomposity is one sure way to turn everyone off. Instead like my first sponsor said take the cotton out of your ears and stuff it in your mouth. You get the idea. We because we are sober are in no way in a position to castigate anyone for their alleged sins. Hell, we are just trying to get an equal footing with the rest of the world after being broken and beaten because of the demon drug that is alcohol. Merely keeping your word like calling someone back because you said you would even if no one else notices will give us a sense of pride with no medals or chevrons. Knowing that we take ourselves seriously will eventually be considered by those around us. Don’t get me wrong we may continue to lie because we might hurt someone else’s feelings but even that prevarication we can avoid if we opt for silence instead. Keep your word everywhere and you’ll be surprised that more doors will open for you and a life beyond your wildest dreams can come true when you use the truth as your cornerstone. P.S. There will be times that keeping your word by telling the truth may get you in trouble but never more than lying about it will. Silence is Golden and Keeping your word is Platinum. *There are times that full disclosure in not necessary. When we want to ‘dump’ our guilt by admitting to something will only hurt someone needlessly and refraining from saying more than what is needed or just keep it simple.

Anonymity Part III

2021-03-14T17:02:00.000-04:00

Having been blessed to begin my sobriety August 28, 1989 I guess some might say I am old school. That first meeting began with the credo that we as members of AA were part of an anonymous program and did not seek attention from press, radio or film. Those words written in 1935 are of course antiquated by 21st Century standards but we all understood that being members it was tacit that we didn’t broadcast our membership to the ‘earthlings’. (those members of society that were either social drinkers or didn’t drink at all)

Today as I observe especially on social media no such anonymity exists anymore. In fact, alcoholics brag openly how long they are sober actively looking for congratulatory tweets or comments from well-wishers. Which isn’t entirely bad but the whole idea of marking anniversaries (and this is my old school showing) is for us to be an example for the still sick and suffering that they too can achieve sobriety one day at a time. Never do I see a tweet that is not a self-centered one it’s all about them just as their active alcoholism was. I believe that this wanting to tell the world “I’m sober” stems from strictly egocentric reasons and feeble attempts at self-aggrandizement. I could go so far as to say its just a drunk that is dry replacing one addiction with another this time it is just seeking attention. “Look at me”. Its kind of sad that we have taken our character defects and shortcomings and made them a billboard for the world to see. Now this might seem counter intuitive to say as we were told AA is a selfish program but that is because we don’t get sober for our husbands, our wives, significant others or our family we do it for ourselves otherwise we will be doomed to fail. We practice this selfish program so that we can become useful members of society and selfless more often than not.

Nurse Jackie

2020-12-19T14:08:00.001-05:00

When this series hit the airwaves back in 2009 I really didn’t pay much attention other than to sit through a few episodes and never gave it much thought but recently I was able to binge watch all 80 episodes from start to finish and what struck me in a very visceral fashion was how the writers were able to capture the thoughts and actions of a truly low bottom addict. I found myself getting emotionally charged when I watched the righteous indignation that the star Edie Falco was able to embody in her character. I began to despise her. She was I suppose a stereotypical addict that think they know it all as soon as they get sober or clean. An arrogance that says “we” should know that they are drug or alcohol free and to question or doubt their veracity is somehow an insult. In the case of Nurse Jackie’s character, she was a chronic relapser all the while claimer she was “clean” and when anyone chose to doubt her, she would ridicule them unmercifully. She would sabotage every relationship even those she cherished the most if they got between her and her addiction. The story if you can stand a spoiler ends in disaster as Jackie OD’s right in front of all her hospital friends that thought her recovery was nigh. It reminded me that ‘some are sicker than others’ and there are only a few that remain clean and sober without any breaks but this story as entertaining as it was did not have the typical Hollywood happy ending. An insidious dis-ease that has a power greater than most realize. Earthlings (those people that drink either socially or don’t have a problem with alcohol) have their addictions, but many do not carry the life-threatening markers that the drink does. When we drank, we were killing our bodies, our relationships and maybe innocent bystanders that just happened to be unlucky to get in our way. Nurse Jackie was a low bottom addict and we cannot afford to compare ourselves with anyone that we think is a worse drunk or addict than we because we are but one drink away from following them in their footsteps. Chronicles like this show are a stark reminder that alcoholism doesn’t have a universal script only one that ends up three ways: We quit, we die, or we end up institutionalized. The road may vary the destination is always a dead end.

RESENTMENT

2020-12-13T12:36:00.005-05:00

Throughout my 31 plus years of sobriety I knew one thing and that is that resentments will ultimately either bring you to relapse or gnaw at your sobriety so much so that the quality of it will be severely impaired. Resentment may seem justified especially when we run under the umbrella of that it is justified but like anger the big R is just another emotion we need to run away from as far as possible. From a logical perspective it serves no useful purpose in no way shape or form. Illogically it has all the reasons in the world the biggest one being our ego. The rationalization is that the object of our resentment somehow either deserves it or worse yet brought it on themselves. Our built-in forgetter has a convenient memory lapse of what part we shared in this calamity. I suspect that it was usually (at least in my case) more than half of the ‘crime’. Just a couple of days ago I was informed in what I saw was a perfunctory email that my services at the spring training ballpark were being severed after 2 seasons. No explanation was given but my ego imagined that I was a miscreant in the firm’s eyes. Here’s the fun part I had already decided months ago that I was not going back to the ballpark for the upcoming spring. Normal people would automatically think well that’s perfect the feeling is mutual. But no. My ego was bruised albeit minorly because they fired me before I got to quit. Sound like alcoholic thinking? You bet it was. My automatic response was that I was going to write back in some rather erudite fashion putting them in their place, but my long-time sobriety got the best of me and I waited a day. And guess what? I just let it go. I wasn’t happy about it but as each day passes it means less and less. Resentment hurts only we alcoholics because those we resent feel nothing except if it is someone, we love then it hurts both them and us. Our vivid imagination somehow thinks that other people care about what we think (they don’t) and while we stay mired in our malaise those inflictors of harm have already moved on. Resentment is very much like a cloud in the sky it looks like it has shape and form but in an instant, both have changed and what we think is real is just an invention that will never get patented. Here is my suggestion the next time that ugly feeling overwhelms you share it with another alcoholic, a good friend or best yet someone that loves you unconditionally. They won’t steer you wrong and listen to what they say instead of doing what your ego demands. Resentment carries no weight only inside our own minds. For me ego was always Easing God Out. 2021 promises to be a challenging year for many of us but try to keep your anger in check especially with those that have different views than you have. The Big Book talks about instincts in collision and our world is set up for plenty of accidents if we’re not careful.

I Can Quit Anytime I Want To

2020-09-20T17:20:00.009-04:00

It’s probably a refrain we have uttered at least once or a hundred times. In hindsight you’re hearing from someone that just hasn’t given up just yet. In a way it can be viewed as progress because if you’re saying it to yourself or broadcasting it to those that still care it is the signal that the end is near. By that I mean the alcoholic in you is ready to throw in the towel or the alcoholic hasn’t found their bottom just yet. What is bottom though? Have you thought about it? If you’re sober what was that seminal moment when you made a decision to put down the drink? If it wasn’t forced upon you that ‘thing’ that was the straw that broke your will what was it? Was it the loss of a spouse, significant other, your best friend? Maybe it was something more serious like an automobile accident or worse yet incarceration that gave you no choice. For the sake of this entry ask yourself if your bottom was it a high bottom or a low bottom? Some of us are lucky we didn’t get a DWI, end up in rehab, injure or kill someone, end up behind bars, lose our family or our spouse’s. That might be a high bottom even if we are not aware of it at the time. A low bottom on the other hand is a bit more subjective in that it can’t necessarily be measured except to say that some are sicker than others and there is no telling just how strong the grip of alcohol has on us. Back to our header here. I can quit anytime I want to. Instead of arguing the point let’s for the sake of this discussion we agree you can stop anytime you want to. You just don’t want to. Then as we have decided we are playing doctor over our health when do we say just the opposite, I can’t quit anytime I want to? It needs to be asked of yourself because if the first question comes up there must be a line drawn in the sand that says okay, I can drink up until this happens. Make it real. Otherwise we are just placating ourselves. When we don’t establish a boundary, our lives are in jeopardy. Think about that. When we decide enough is enough what is enough? There’s an AA idiom that comes to mind and that’s: I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Too many hangovers, we don’t show up for work, lose our jobs or the wife or the husband walks out on us. If you find yourself saying I can stop anytime I want to the chances are there are people in your life that think just the opposite. We can consider that those people love us and if they’re not drinking excessively, we probably are and like it or not we are at some point going to have to make some concessions. If you’re not an alcoholic maybe moderation is the ticket, but experience tells me the chances of that being true are like flipping a coin and it lands on edge. Have you ever tried stopping for an extended period? I challenge you to take that 90-day abstinence from the drink. If after 90 days your life hasn’t changed, and I mean dramatically personally and with your relationships then you can always go back out there we will be waiting for you.

Anonymity

2020-07-25T13:22:00.001-04:00

Much was made of this word when I first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. We were supposed to keep our identities private even inside the rooms hence when we were about to speak, we would say: Hello my name is John (in my case) and I am an alcoholic. There was no need to tell anyone your last name one because it was no one’s business and more importantly it had no relevancy in what we were here for and that was to remain sober by sharing our experience, strength and hope with other alcoholics.

I think for the old timers this was important because if it got outside the rooms their social standing or even their working status might be in jeopardy. Over time however this concern, worry or fear has for the most part disappeared. Why? Mainly because society has changed its view of, we the recovering addict. No longer are we hiding in basements working on the arduous task of losing the obsession to drink as we had the ‘group’ to commiserate and share with for strength and wisdom to fight off those urges that would befall us especially in the early going.

In the latter part of the 20^th Century and now in the 21^st recovering addicts are brazenly announcing their progress on social media platforms with unabashed pride. I have no problem with it because I never had a concern who knew that I was in recovery mainly because I made such an ass out of myself while active that if someone found out that I was sober I was fine with it. I wasn’t trying to make it a billboard announcement, but I subscribed to the AA axiom: What other people think about me is none of my business.

Having said that I caution anyone about giving their anniversaries too much fanfare. I have seen so many alcoholics with 10 or 20 years or more sobriety lapse back into active alcoholism. I myself don’t live in fear but busting buttons about how long we have clean and sober can be the harbinger of disaster as I have seen many who take the accolades and congratulatory notices to heart and metaphorically slap themselves on the back. I err to the side that anniversaries are not about the ‘ME’ but rather these markings in time are for the still sick and suffering. That’s not to say we shouldn’t be grateful for each day we are sober, but I think that in the present day some have lost the true meaning of sobriety. It’s not about ‘US’ it’s about those still out there. Our sobriety is an example not a badge of honor. It’s an honor to be sober but not unless we are actively helping another. Faith without works is dead.

My Sponsor

2020-05-16T16:19:00.004-04:00

To those familiar with this blog know that members of AA rely on a sponsor. This is a person you choose to confide the more intimate character defects and shortcomings of your personal life in an attempt to ameliorate and when possible make amends to the people that you’ve harmed during your active life. In the first five years of my sobriety the man that was most instrumental in helping me maintain my alcohol free life since 1989 left this earth on Thursday morning May 14th. I was blessed to have chosen him and before his untimely passing we got a chance to talk at length about what we were grateful for and especially our continued long-term sobriety.

This man brought a tough as nails attitude in his AA method but fortunately I bought into it. I didn’t always like what he had to say but instead of doing it John’s way I chose AA’s way instead. He would often say: “John take the cotton out of your ears and put it into your mouth.” These words I will never forget. Thanks Nic old friend.

Having just a short time to reflect on my friend’s death has made me think a little bit more about my own mortality. Not in a morbid way but that AA idiom that rings true. “We only have today.” I like to think I am grounded each day but after my sponsor’s passing the gravity of his life and my own seem to carry more weight now if you can pardon the pun. Nic didn’t suit everyone’s taste but his long list of men he sponsored will be saying prayers that he entered their lives just as I will that he entered mine.

Trying to get sober and stay sober without someone to talk to is like getting into a rowboat in a swift running stream without oars. You might get to the other embankment but why not use the tools that can help make the treacherous journey just a bit more navigable? I chose to keep my mouth shut when Nic and my program told me to and I am so glad I did because my way got me drunk and for me AA and my sponsor got me sober. And as I have said many times here if there is another protocol that works for you use it don’t go on railing against Alcoholics Anonymous. As the fictional character Charlie Chan said in a movie: “Any powder that kills fleas is a good powder.” DDGTM Nic would often say to me and for you earthlings if you think you have a problem with alcohol you probably do.

Stay sober my friends and I know you are all over the World now please spread the word you might save someone.

COVID-19

2020-03-24T11:57:00.004-04:00

The spirit inside me said go to my MacBook and write and so I am here. There are times that I fail to remember that I am so far removed from thinking about picking up a drink that although I am not immune I am certainly blessed that those thoughts don’t enter my consciousness now. However since I continue to scribe here know that since this dis-ease affects us in various ways you might be thinking of picking up in times like we are experiencing right now. Of course the excuses abound and I won’t waste your or anyone’s time enumerating them because what’s the point they’re all lies.

Now that we’ve eliminated the prevarications let’s talk about how we can focus on what we can do to assure ourselves that we stay sober. If you’ve been reading this blog we all know one of the things we could always do was go to a meeting but since we have to practice “social distancing” that choice has for the most part been eliminated for health and practical purposes. The next thing of course that remains open is the telephone and because technology affords of FaceTime we have voice and visual contact with a sponsor or another member of AA or another fellow sufferer. So all is not lost. What else can we do though as a lot of us are not going to our place of business? Some are working at home but not everyone is afforded that luxury.

I can tell you that I have picked up not one but two books and I have doubled up on my exercise routine but even that doesn’t account for the 10 hours or more we spend getting ready and working at our place of business. Here’s another for those of you that have a spiritual affinity, prayer. I during Lent have made it my business to say the Rosary every day but if you are of a different faith you can always choose what you feel is your favorite supplication. If you have a spouse or partner you can take a long walk, play some board games, meditate together, have that conversation that you have been avoiding maybe something that can help make your relationship stronger. And yes take time to spend some time away from each other and think about what you’re grateful for about her or him.

I hope that you listen to your doctors avoid strife and wash your hands. I say that with a smile and with all seriousness as well. We will come out of this and stay sober as well.

Jack

How to Win an Argument

2020-03-05T10:35:00.003-05:00

Basically the short answer is never argue. When you find yourself inevitably in a heated situation the best response is never to respond in kind. What I mean is don’t do what our natural instincts tell us to do. If someone yells at you we usually yell back. It’s a natural defense mechanism that we humans respond with when we are attacked. Fight or flee. I think there’s another response.

The first thing we can do is take a deep breath before we say the first word. It gives us a moment to gather our thoughts and the most important thing is what comes out of our mouth next. When we hear that loud voice we can first say in a calm lowered voice: I hear that you are very upset. What can I do right now to make you feel better so we can talk about this in a way that can help you get what you want from this conversation?

It is important to remember that we must keep our ego in check because it adds nothing to the equation. However, we have to satisfy it in order create a balance in the exchange because our protagonist might think we are just placating them and not taking them seriously if we don’t express what we need. They know that in any argument there are two sides and even if they think they are completely in the right if we simply acquiesce they won’t come away from the exchange feeling we have been genuine. That is why if we make sure that we listen, listen, and listen to what their point is and they will feel compelled in turn hear what we have to say.

If we remember to lower our voice the argument takes on a different complexion. It has to because if one person is yelling they hear only themselves and automatically theirs begins to lower it is inevitable.

Arguing is never fun but it will happen and as an alcoholic we have the tools that maybe earthlings do not. We don’t drink and with a clear mind we can have the upper hand. I might add we don’t use it to take advantage of the situation but we can use this new strength to move the conversation in the direction that serves both sides of the conversation. Remember we don’t have to win an argument our goal is peace and happiness. Defusing a volatile argument might be new to us but it might be a skill that becomes second nature if we breathe, think and stay calm.

The Unlived Life

2019-12-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

I’ve touched on this subject before and although I don’t often think about it as it could easily be dismissed as a waste of time but I don’t think so and here’s why. When we stop and think about what we could have done had we been given the chance to do it over or do it again it can serve us perfectly as to how we can live our lives in the present moment.

We all have had thoughts of “If only” and it brings to mind my old boss saying, “If, if my aunt had ------ she’d be my uncle”. An amusing anecdote back then and even now when I think about it but then as now it eliminates the excuse logic and brings us back to the reality of what we have to do right now as the past cannot not be retrieved.

Imagine for a moment the vast amount of time we wasted drinking. And it wasn’t just the drinking it was also the planning, the approach, and then the time spent actually imbibing and the dreaded aftermath and then the ungodly consequences. How many years did we lose? 5 years, 10 years more? We will never know for sure but however torturous it might be to ruminate about it can also serve to be the final convincer not to pick up again. Think about that for a few minutes the next time you start to rationalize about it might be okay to pick up again. Now back to our narrative.

The unlived life makes for great fiction and we could sit and lament about it endlessly but there is a bright side. When I think about the last 30 years of sobriety there are many things I would like to change but none of them include picking up a drink and because I didn’t drink even the bad decisions I made I made sober. If I had made them drunk they might have been cataclysmic and I’d be either still drunk, incarcerated, or in an asylum or dead.

The unlived life is one that I am living right now. That’s right I am living my unlived life. Had I not been an alcoholic, sought recovery these last 30 years would never have been possible so in a way my alcoholism has brought me my unlived life and a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Merry Christmas Happy Hanukah and Happy New Year to one and all.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

2019-10-29T13:40:00.000-04:00

Ever hear this idiom? It originated back in WWII and referred to unguarded talk during wartime. Regarded, as propaganda at the time but the intention was to help prevent the spread of fear and also make sure vital information didn’t end up in the hand of spies that might be lurking about in the shadows.

When we think about our active days of alcoholism how many times did we wake up the next morning worrying oh boy what did we say? Were we guilty of those “loose lips”? Probably more than we care to admit. We used to say mouth in gear brain in neutral which in the vernacular helps explain how our thoughts and actions and our mouths operated when the social lubricant, alcohol roamed about freely in our bloodstream. Today we know better most of the time of course there will be exceptions now that we have joined the world of the earthlings but every now and then those “loose lips” may come back to bite us fortunately today we have our wits and can make immediate amends and are spared a longer embarrassment.

I am so grateful that my Higher Power has given me this gift of sobriety and there is not a day that goes by that I ever miss alcohol and I am sure if you are reading this it may not be the same for you but if you just give it time the enormity of the gifts of being sober will be beyond your wildest dreams. I guarantee you that.

30 Years 360 Months 10,958 Days

2019-08-25T13:40:00.000-04:00

But who is counting? I did in the beginning. We all did especially in that all-important 1st Year. What’s changed for me since 1989? I can tell you that I don’t think about drinking anymore. Now I will tell you that there are still some or more than some that still think about it but the impulse or the compulsion to pick up a drink has certainly faded, regressed or in my case virtually disappeared. I don’t even consciously dream about drinking. Does that give me any thought that I can or might “pick up” because I am immune now or cured? Never! My ego would never allow me to start counting days again but kidding aside why would I do that now? There is no reason to. My life is beyond my wildest dreams and even if there were no chance that a drink would not alter where I am right now I would still not roll that die.

People have stopped asking me about my drinking or even musing Jack maybe you could drink now, as they know that that topic is sacrosanct. I like being in control of my faculties, not waking up with a hangover, being the designated driver and influencing others without having to even talk about drinking. I don’t preach I never have as the old AA cliché of it’s a program of attraction not promotion still works and people alcoholic or not hate being told or lectured about what to do or not to do. I live an let live and when someone asks advice I usually don’t answer until they ask me at least for the second or third time because often they don’t really mean it or don’t really want it. They just want to hear themselves talk about their addictions.

Alcoholism as I contend is a dis-ease some debate that it is a disease. I used to make bones about that but not now if you think it is and you’re working on it actively I for one will not argue with you. And as to what protocol you use that’s entirely up to you as well. In my early writing of this blog some 10 years ago there were some that challenged and attacked alleging that AA didn’t work was a cult or it harmed people. I don’t engage those people either their road to sobriety is their road. However if AA never existed we wouldn’t be having that discussion would we?

As time progressed the degrees of alcoholism became more apparent to me as well. The phrase: “Some are sicker than others” is very real and extremely important to pay attention to. For myself I was a “high bottom” drunk that is no DWI’s, no rehabs, and I thank God I didn’t injure or kill anybody but there are so many that weren’t as fortunate. Stories that were so horrific in nature that even in sobriety their actions even time will never erase.

I have written about relapse here and although there is no aspirin cure as in for a headache the “people, places and things” idiom can give us a leg up on preventing going back out there. The research has been done and there have been no reported cases of I was an alcoholic I stopped and then went back out there and now I am a normal drinker. None. If there are I have a bridge to sell you or a white elephant in my back yard.

If I could bottle sobriety for you the reader I would gladly do it. I don’t know who reads this blog but I know there are people that do from around the World and for that I am very grateful. Because of that fact alone I continue to write. You all whomever you are remind me I am blessed and for those agnostics how lucky I am to remain sober 30 years and counting. I wish you all the things that being sober have brought me. Clear thought, sleep filled nights and for loved ones that can count on you for things they couldn’t when you were still active. Write me at Jackbriant@mac.com or not until next entry I remain sincerely in sobriety. Don’t drink and if it works for you go to meetings, talk to your sponsor but get help you don’t have to do it alone.

I Can Quit Anytime I Want

2019-07-20T13:20:00.002-04:00

Have you ever heard or better yet have you ever heard yourself saying that? It’s a refrain that is often used still today as the ultimate qualifier about one’s drinking habits when the end of the road is near even if the proclaimer doesn’t know it yet at least consciously.

Imbibing the legal toxin that is alcohol is an insidious disease because not everyone can be infected. Those that are though still think they are immune even when the outward signs to rational people know the over indulger is in the throes of full-blown alcoholism.

What do friends do though? Do they confront their alcoholic friend risking their friendship or keep their distance hoping and maybe praying that somehow someway the addiction will either abate or just disappear? For all practical purposes we know that most likely won’t happen and unfortunately a good portion of our friends will either not confront the alcoholic or simply disappear from their lives when they just can’t take the toxicity levels any longer.

What about if we are the one that are telling ourselves this lie? Do we know deep down that we are edging closer to the cliff of despair? Answer is it depends. That old cliché rings: Some are sicker than others. Too many circumstances to enumerate but if we have an ounce of sense left there’s part of our brain that isn’t fully wet and we get the message that it’s not too late and we get help.

I have always thought that “I can quit any time I want” was a cry for help and maybe they get lucky and a loved one or a trusted friend takes them up on that and says: “Prove it”. Be prepared for: “I just don’t want to right now”. Courage it takes to engage them further and challenge them and say, “I didn’t think you could” and maybe just maybe they begin to see their own bluff. For you the friend or loved one it’s risky business but do the Ben Franklin close on yourself what do you have to gain and what do you have to lose? Maybe you lose a relationship but maybe you save a life.

I can quit anytime I want is one of the biggest lies since the check is in the mail except this one doesn’t have a postage stamp.

God & Alcoholics Anonymous

2019-06-27T13:50:00.003-04:00

Are they mutually exclusive? Or are they really compatible? The answer is yes if you are a believer in a higher power and yes if you are not. Wait a minute how can that be? Let’s take a look.

Have you ever stopped to count how many times the word ‘God’ is mentioned in the 12 Steps? Don’t bother its 4 times and then there’s one more in Step 7 where we ask “Him” to remove our shortcomings. If you’re like me these references to God present no problem for you but what if you are an agnostic where you don’t know if any gods exist or an atheist where you don’t believe in any gods? What to do? Here’s your answer. Come on in! AA if that’s the protocol you’ve chosen can work even for you.

In 1989 I had a member in my first group who was a devout atheist. There was no God or gods ipso facto! When I talked to him about it he said he believed in a Higher Power! What I said? You just told me you don’t believe in God. He said: “I don’t our group is my Higher Power”. I thought it novel and apparently that line of thought worked for him, as he was sober 24 years.

That line of thinking blows holes in all the vituperative ranting against AA because there’s too much religion in it. Baloney. In this man’s opinion it’s just another excuse to not face the reality that you can’t drink anymore. Remember the AA axiom use what you can use and leave the rest? There were plenty of things that went on in meetings that I didn’t like but that did not keep me from staying sober 30 years God willing next month! I might get some pushback from some of you and that’s okay try another program but it will all come down to the same thing your drinking has to stop and you’re going to need help whether its God, a higher power or a support mechanism.

Let me step back a bit. In the early going I loved to use the small books like Twenty-Hours a Day, Jesus Calling and The Little Red Book for my daily inspirations to help me along the way. So what about a secular journey? Are there publications for non-believers? Yes! Try for instance The Little Book, which is an alternative to the 12 Steps or The Alternative 12 Steps or Twelve Secular Steps all three are secular guides to recovery. These books are readily available even on Amazon and can be the perfect compliment to get you past all these “God” references. And truth be told when you go to an AA meeting anyone that tells you it’s like a Jehovah Witness revival meeting they might have there own agenda up their sleeve and their hand in your pocket (book).

God and AA can exist together don’t make such a fuss about it just face reality don’t pick up a drink.

How Do We Stay Sober

2019-05-27T12:26:00.004-04:00

Let’s get beyond the simple “One Day at a Time” shall we? After all if you are reading this you probably know that phrase and are already practicing this first suggestion. If I thought about it along with you staying sober might be comparing it to a cake mix a lot of ingredients. One element that AA might not stress enough is good old fashioned willpower because without that there will be times it might get overwhelming not to pick up a drink. That said we don’t need to row a boat by ourselves because there are just too many eddies and shifts in currents in the real world that will get us off course and for some have us capsize.

That’s where if you have chosen the protocol of AA it can assist as a touchstone. The people, a sponsor, meetings and the telephone are all the main ingredients that can make our “cake” rise when we put it in the oven of the real world of sobriety when it gets tested day after day.

What if we aren’t comfortable amongst strangers, going to meetings, talking on the phone and then raising our hand in public no less and sharing our private sins of omission and commissions? Houston we have a problem. When we were active most likely we were pretty boisterous, obnoxious and if we ask anyone we care about a general pain in the ass.

Without communication sobriety might be a tough road because what we are left with is isolation and that my friend is not only lonely and painful but what usually happens is that we wind up slipping and going back out again. So how do we bridge this gap in our personality?

Reaching in to the bag of AA idioms can serve. As far as going to meetings it’s relatively easy because everyone there is there for the same reason and the idiom was: “Bring the body and the mind will follow”. Just don’t think or analyze. What about talking at meetings? Some people are scared to death speaking in public. Not so hard either because you never have to make eye contact with anyone just look at the tops of people’s heads they’ll never know. It might get you past your shy streak. Wait what do I say? Your name I’m an alcoholic and if there are no words just say I’m glad to be sober today. Nothing else is necessary one day the words will come.

A sponsor? Yuck? AA suggests you get one for that “inside” work we all have to do to get into that toy box that has so much junk in it we have to throw out. This ingredient of our “cake” is a tough one because it requires intimacy and I am not talking physical intimacy I am speaking of a mental intimacy probably one that we are most unaccustomed to but if we don’t accept this piece of sobriety will be tenuous at best and if a strong wind hits we might not make it. Remember it’s an “inside job”. It’s not just the drink it’s what it did to us too. Find someone that you don’t know with plenty of sobriety remembering that he or she is still a drunk too and might not have all the answers. A second idiom comes to mind: Put the cotton in your mouth and take it out of your ears. Remember we have two ears and one mouth. Keep that in mind before you open your cake hole.

Some are sicker than others so meetings, sharing a sponsor may not be enough we may need a professional as in psychologist, psychiatrist or a member of the clergy to aid us.

Now I didn’t once mention God did I? But if you choose to include a Higher Power in your life you can also add prayer to the mixture of your “cake”. For me it has been the icing and in August it will be 30 candles of continuous sobriety God willing.

No easy solutions but if we take baby steps rather than expecting immediate gratification our chances will always be better than if we try to do it cold turkey. It can be done.

What Other People Think of Me

2019-05-06T16:03:00.002-04:00

What other people think of me is none of my business. That was a phrase that one of the old-timers shared with me back in the late summer of 1989 when I first entered the rooms of AA. Maybe I didn’t grasp it fully back then but little by slowly that bell began to chime inside my head and the meaning began to crystallize and that instead of focusing on what the outside world thought of me I could begin to do what those same old-timers had been suggesting that AA was an inside job.

When I was active I didn’t give a you know what about what anyone thought except maybe the night after when I was feeling a bit remorseful but for the most part my active life was an egocentric, arrogant joyride of self destruction that I knew had to end sometime and when it did and the walls began to close in the reality was made even worse by my own selfish imagination that everybody that knew me or even looked at me was somehow thinking about me and had nothing but disdain for me. Little did I know that outside of relatives and close friends that I was somehow able to maintain no one really cared about what I did or didn’t do.

Once that lightning bolt struck and I was freed from the imagined threat of being held hostage by someone else’s thoughts my life began a dramatic change. It didn’t mean that I could head back to my old selfish ways actually quite the contrary I now could focus on the task at hand working on all the ISM’s that plagued me. You know the I, Self and Me. Those feelings of isolation, free floating anxiety, fear, restlessness, loneliness and depression that accompany us once we begin the journey without alcohol. The ISM that gets us when we become sober can dog us if we don’t treat it properly.

The ancillary benefit of not worrying about what people thought about me made staying sober easier and allowed the real work of attacking the ISM’s although still formidable one a little less daunting.

What other people think about me is none of my business. I can say without much equivocation almost 30 years on now that those worries are in my rear view mirror now and I don’t look back now. Did you know that Bette Davis said that once?

Angel of AA Sister Ignatia Gavin

2019-04-01T12:46:00.001-04:00

In 1934 Hospital policy did not have a provision for admission on the basis of alcoholism but Dr. Bob Smith co-founder of AA and Sister Ignatia Gavin of the Sisters of Charity of Saint Augustine was assigned to oversee admissions at the Hospital in Akron, Ohio. The two colluded and at the urging of Dr. Bob Sister Gavin admitted patients under the malady of “acute gastritis”.

In retrospect it might have been construed as a touch of chicanery but the “ruse” paid off because eventually the hospital agreed and opened a wing dedicated for the care of the alcoholic the first in the Country. Dr. Bob attended to the physical and Sister Gavin attended the moral and spiritual side of things. Sister Gavin had a token economy approach in which she gave each patient a Sacred Heart medallion when they were discharged from the hospital with the promise that if they were to take another drink they would return it to her. It was estimated that before she retired that he had helped over 10,000 alcoholics. Sister Ignatia Gavin born in 1889 in Ireland died in the United States in 1966.

What struck me about this bit of history was the fact that this “earthling” made a courageous move and probably played an instrumental part in shaping how alcoholism was viewed in this Country and in turn the World. Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson and Sister Ignatia Gavin seem like ancient history now but the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous still work for countless millions Worldwide. It worked for me and this bit of history reminds me that for the acts of just a few I will be forever grateful almost 30 years later.

Some Are Sicker Than Others

2019-03-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

When I first heard this phrase I immediately did a self-inventory and I asked myself rhetorically was I one of those they might be referring to? As I came around often enough to AA meetings I gradually became aware that while not comparing my story to others that had made their way into recovery some had a much more expensive entry pass than I did. Tempting right here might be to begin a comparison narrative that well I wasn’t as bad as them. Or I never drank like that. Fortunately for whatever reason I didn’t do that but I did realize that my higher bottom which is I what I chose to call it was Divine Province sparing me from a “yet” that fortunately for me I have never had to experience.

I used to say that those that had a more rugged terrain before coming in had done the research for me just in case I had some notion I could either drink moderately again or worse yet that I wasn’t really an alcoholic. Members that would have a “slip” and if they were lucky to make it back in to the rooms were heralded almost as much as the newcomer because those escapees provided us with all the assurance that it doesn’t get better after you stop drinking and pick up again in fact quite the contrary it only got worse. Some were ashamed to walk back into the doors of AA but the group collectively would do the best they could to welcome them back and encourage each individual to redouble their efforts this time. Most times the symptoms were obvious. They stopped coming to meetings, didn’t raise their hands to share, didn’t have a sponsor in other words didn’t follow the suggestions. In the more serious cases where other concomitant maladies existed outside help might’ve been part of the answer.

Some are sicker than others and as this dis-ease is a multifaceted one there is no one size fits all or just one protocol that is the best modality based on the severity one is suffering. I have always maintained in Mylifeafteraa.blogspot.com that any powder that kills fleas is a good powder and let’s face it AA is not for everybody. In the now 10 years of scribing this blog I never wanted to debate about the efficacy of AA over another recovery system whether it be for hire or for free like Alcoholics Anonymous is. Use what you can use and leave the rest.

And in view of the fact that some are sicker than others there will be some that don’t ever reach sobriety even after many swings at it. And to those of us that are blessed to stay sober and grow in recovery we can only hope and pray if you choose to that those left behind somehow have an awakening someday.

The Lesser of Two Evils

2019-01-16T11:44:00.002-05:00

There are times in sobriety that we must make choices. Only one is black and white and that is not to pick up a drink after that there will be choices we have to make and they’re not always easy. As alcoholics we can make almost any situation complicated even the simple ones so when it comes to choices that are not clear cut there are situations, we can find ourselves in and as the old cliché goes- “Punt”. If it is not mandatory to decide quickly and when we are unsure, we can just pass and tell the person where applicable that it might interfere with our sobriety or that we need some time to think about it. If anyone persists and insists don’t feel compelled, they will just have to wait.

When we do have to make the more difficult decisions how do we decide? Once we have filtered out any notion that it might interfere with our sobriety then we can get down to brass tacks. What is great about these decisions is, we don’t have to do it alone either. We can use a sponsor, a therapist a member of the clergy or for many of us just pray.

When we look at these choices the first thing on the subject line requires us to examine our motives. What is in it for us based on what decision we ultimately make? Although that is not to say every decision doesn’t have to come out negatively for us, we just must act like an umpire here and tell ourselves what would be the right thing to do? A difficult position for us because while we were active our only care was ourselves now sober, we must put the needs of others either first except if it would interfere with staying sober.

Next up we don’t make it impossible for ourselves. We can’t decide based on that it seems noble only to find that a day, week or month later we fail to live up what we have made proclamation to. In other words, we must stick to what we have decided. We give our word and it becomes our bond.

Lastly, we make this part of everything we do in our lives. We make a consistent and regular inventory of whether we are keeping our promises to the decisions we have made. Not always easy but it becomes another domino effect in our lives because as loved ones, friends and acquaintances recognize we are persons of our word the character from within builds and we begin to be able to work on our other character defects and shortcomings with a deftness we never thought possible.

So, what about the lesser of two evils? When we do make decisions some of them won’t be popular and we must avoid the “people pleaser” another alcoholic shortcoming that can plague in sobriety. And when one of these “lesser evils” gets the longer end of the stick they may think they are somehow getting an endorsement from us. Let them think what they want because if we become consistent in our choices life or karma depending on what your want to believe will even out eventually. Stay strong, be consistent and most of all don’t drink.

Denial

2018-12-26T10:44:00.003-05:00

The old saying goes that denial is not a river in Egypt. Denial can keep us from so many things. Hell, it kept most of us from putting down the drink because we for a host of reasons like we could stop at any time or we aren’t that bad, or I never got pulled over. I am sure you can think of a hundred reasons why we lived in denial.

However, it doesn’t stop there once we do put down the toxic liquid there continues to be work for us to do. I know that as alcoholics once we accomplish one feat, we tend to let up on the ‘gas’ and languish in our success and not press forward into the next challenge.

If we are in AA, we might think that that is enough to aid us in our recovery but that alone might leave us still in denial as inside the basements of AA we can “hide out” and not address the “isms’ that still plague us. Simply going to meetings may help keep us sober but maybe we need to do more and make sure we share not only with our group and sponsor but maybe we also need to seek out professional help if there are deep seated hostilities we need to address.

Denial also comes in half-truths. We admit we have a problem, but we do nothing about it. We think that once we admit something then we can become slothful about it. Just the contrary we need to redouble our efforts once we are onto ourselves the timing is perfect to act. For instance, when we see that we are quick to anger with our loved ones especially when we think we are in the right we need to stop, think and keep our mouths shut and remember how much they had to put up with while we were drinking. Too many of us take on a righteous indignation attitude that simply because we are sober, we have the upper hand over all the earthlings in our lives. Quite the contrary it is the time for us to acquire the new trait of patience and tolerance. Not easy for sure but all we need do is recall how much of those to qualities those around us gave us while we were in selfish mode.

Another part of denial is that we think we must defend ourselves at all costs. If we remember that when we finally stopped drinking our defenses were down, we need to consider the same thing with our ego as that is what we think is under attack when we are no longer under the cloud of the mocus state of alcohol. Drop the pretense that we either know it all or know what to do. For us to build on our sobriety we must continue to let down our guard and leave ourselves vulnerable and trust that those close to us in AA or in sobriety will tend to us and protect us. That takes a lot because the issue of trust is one of the biggest mountains in sobriety we scale.

Enablers that helped keep our active live alive can also keep us in denial once we are sober as well. These enablers tend to provide soft landings for us when we need to confront the hard facts and consequences that will befall us in life without alcohol. Some of our well-intentioned enablers are so ecstatic that we’re not drinking they still run interference for us when it is us that needs to take the wheel and drive our car on the road of sober thought, deeds, and now action.

Isolation

2018-12-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

As Christmas and the New Year approaches and as we are in the middle of Hanukah the focus on alcoholism takes center stage. Whether it be relapse or pledges to abstain from alcohol and drugs this holiday season is not unlike any other. What comes to mind to this alcoholic is the topic of isolation.

I used to think that I had a PhD. in isolation but comedy aside it is the one character defect or shortcoming we need to address. When we are alone it’s not unlike being in a rowboat in a running stream without a paddle. You just don’t do it. A simple metaphor but if we surround ourselves with other recovering alcoholics or even healthy earthlings we put ourselves in a position to avoid picking up and if we are trying to quit we put ourselves in a better place and it gives us a better shot to do so.

The natural human tendency is to try to do it alone. As early as toddlers we tried to break away from parental supervision because we wanted to do it our way. We knew better or so we thought. In our case we didn’t because we ended up here. As recovering alcoholics the relief is that we don’t have to do it alone and in fact if we try all we are doing is walking a tightrope without a net. Sure we might make it but why risk a flip of a coin thinking it’s going to land on edge.

Who we talk to is of course personal preference as long as it’s not us. Remember when we talk to ourselves we’re talking to a crazy person? Who do we feel comfortable with? It could be our sponsor, a friend, a therapist a member of the clergy? What is important when we do choose it be someone that is not emotionally invested in you? That is to say not your wife, husband, significant other and sometimes not your trusted friend because they may not be able to tell you the brutal truth. Point is be with people that care but don’t be with people that only tell you what you want to hear.

Armed with company that will fortify your sobriety and its efforts will allow you to be with those you love and give you the sustainability in the trying times this season can have on we alcoholics. Maybe you’ve heard this message before but I think it bears repeating. Don’t isolate it’s a recipe for disaster. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy New Year.

People, Places and Things

2018-11-25T13:52:00.003-05:00

I haven’t touched on this subject for quite some time and as it crossed my mind I thought why not revisit it. Last night we were joking about “triggers” a topic that often comes up in political discussions but it has more serious implications for alcoholics when something creates the urge in us to pick up a drink. It’s not often definable either. Someone said something and we get angry and we drink. That might be it but most likely our alcoholism is more cunning and baffling as they tell us. A stray thought unrelated to drinking may trigger us. A good feeling a bad feeling it doesn’t matter except that it indirectly relates back to alcohol in some way.

When it has to do with people in our lives often it may be a spouse, a significant other, a relative or friend. When a human is involved the tenor of the “trigger” becomes more incendiary because unlike a place or thing another person may react in an unknown fashion further complicating the situation. One way to extricate ourselves from the people portion of the equation is to avoid our former drinking partners because they may still be active and secondly they may not be ready to see us if they are on their road to recovery. And their path might not be in sync with ours. If we do have to engage with people from our past it’s best to bring someone we have had no active life with thereby we have a buffer in case something unanticipated should occur.

That is not to say that people we have no history with can set us off too! We have to be on guard always because earthlings have little idea about what its like to get sober, be sober and what its like to stay sober. Just recently I found myself with my significant other, her very close friend and they paraded past me with martinis in hand. I was triggered. I was triggered and even sober 29 plus years I found myself upset and not knowing why I had to remember that I am an alcoholic and my last drink was a martini and seeing, hearing and smelling that libation again took me back and I had to have a heart to heart with my partner afterwards. Luckily she understood and that situation can be avoided.

Sometimes our disease can put us in places we just shouldn’t go or be. Especially when we find ourselves early in sobriety. Avoiding bars and situations where drinking is the main focus must be places we steer clear of. After we have a few 24 hours though and we are in drinking establishments or at parties we don’t have to stay to the bitter end like we used to. I use the rule of thumb that when people start to speak in a language that only they understand and I don’t I take my leave. Don’t worry no one will miss you and take solace that when you do leave you know where your car is and when you wake up the next morning you’re time for wherever you need to be without a hangover to contend with. The point is when you discover you’re in a place that makes you feel uncomfortable get out. The only thing that matters is your sobriety not other people’s feelings. We cannot heal when we continually go to places we shouldn’t be.

Lastly let’s talk about things. This is probably a bit nebulous but when it comes to things it might just be what we are doing week-to-week, day-to-day even hour-to-hour that comprises things. Our actions speak louder than words as the saying goes and if we find ourselves doing things that are not in support of our sobriety the linchpin can collapse and we find ourselves back counting days again. As I said “things” are subtler than people and places and unless we are vigilant we can find ourselves taking a long walk off a short pier. I could go on here but suffice it to say that People, Places and Things is an idiom that we as alcoholics need to pay attention to actively no matter how long we are sober.

What If?

2018-10-11T11:11:00.002-04:00

How many times do we ask ourselves what if? If I had only did this? If I had only known that? If I had just said that? Or what if I waited until then? Or the worst if only she or he hadn’t done that?

Everyone alcoholic engages in this useless machination of mind-bending turbulence. What is the payoff? We never seem to ask ourselves that question. Why do we engage in these thoughts anyway? Does it make us feel any better? If we are honest the answer would be probably be a resounding NO. Although the human mind is a funny place to tread especially the alcoholic mind where we often engage in fantasy trying to rewrite the wreckage of our past.

The unlived life or the choices we wish he had taken in hindsight are a tortuous path that provide us no solutions going forward. Letting go is not easy for we alcoholics as getting to putting down the drink is a testament to that very fact. What though can we do when our hearts and minds are clamoring for a quick fix and clear path out of the pain of the choices we made? Of course, there are no easy answers.

We know this ultimately if we slow down and get honest with ourselves as little by slowly we begin to awaken that the path to crushing the what if question once and for all is to be in the moment. Remember that AA idiom: If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow you’ll void all over today? Well it’s very true! For this alcoholic focusing my thoughts on today or even this minute has been a Godsend to me. I can’t control people, places and things and since I can’t change the past and have no control over my future the present is my only strength.

One might say wait a minute. What about planning? There’s nothing wrong with planning and we can take care of that by putting in the footwork but where the alcoholic can and often goes wrong is thinking he or she can control that outcome. Again, here’s another AA idiom: We are responsible for the footwork not the results. That saying alone gave me my second freedom now I didn’t have to obsess about what I had to accomplish to validate myself or my ego. I only had to put the best effort. My Higher Power who I choose to call God would take care of the results.

What if? Two words I have abandoned from my vocabulary along with words should have. Living in the moment because we only have today.