My Life. My Survival.

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 03:28:00 +0000

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count.

But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years.

But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable.

The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

- Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, Chuck Klosterman

email: Wish you would...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:59:00 +0000

Funny it has been a year and yet almost every night you are in my dreams. Maybe i can't let go because i feel guilt, which i do for many things and yet when i think back i am still angry with you for having broken my heart twice. But it seems i am the bad guy in this, this is even more obvious given that A. has flushed me from his life as well. Maybe it is frustration because i made mistakes but so did you and yet i am the bad guy. What the Hell! Maybe it is the feeling of not having closure. I sometimes get tempted to drive down there and confront you, but i feel that it would be pointless; I remember how you are when you make a decision. Once made it is final. I wish i could do the same. I have tried hard to flush you from my life, but each time i find myself putting the vase back on the shelf, removing the emails from the trash, or pulling the photos from the recycle bin. Then there are days that i find i do web searches of you. Flicker photos, facebook, space or twitter conversations. I found one once that told of the time i sent you an email, from what you wrote it sounds like you despise me. Can't you see why i could not go back to you when you asked, why i acted so childlike trying to hurt you. Can't you see how much fear i had of being hurt by you again because i loved you so fracking much. I write you not to upset you but to get it out of me. I am actually pissed! I have been repressing this rage for a year and i want it gone! You hurt me TOO, you hurt me first and i still went back to you once. I take responsibility for my actions but i refuse the ides that i am some horrible person. I fucked up yes but look at the whole picture and see yourself in it. It is fine if you had to flush me from your life but an explication would have been nice. The only thing i understand is that you loath me for whatever i said and did, and yet i have forgiven you for hurting me and i am working on forgiving you for washing me out of your life. You know i lost much more than you in all this, aside from our friendship and the potential for a future with you, i lost Andrew one of my best friends, I feel like i could not show my face in Gainesville or talk to anyone i once knew there because i am sure that i appear to be the ass, were you can be the victim... does any one know my side of the story? The nights i could not sleep, the pain and rejections that i felt not once but three times!!! I find that in the last year i have become more like you, because of you. I don't express my emotions anymore to anyone...funny in a way. I have become emotionally cold, fearing to ever let someone too close to me again. I have always been one that was optimistic about love; never letting myself become cold, but i suppose it is true people can become bitter and frigid, i know i feel like i have. People that have known me forever tell me that i have shut down some how in some way. I want my old self back...that is why i write...i need it out, gone even if you don't read it i know i sent it and hope maybe that i can be free. I wish you would stay out of my dreams. I want to stop being hunted by you. I am writing as an attempt to exercise the past that is fracking with my present and future. And even as i end this letter i know tomorrow i will be waiting for a responce from you...maybe one day i will turly let go.

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not - won't. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you." -unknown
(right back at you...)

t

You've checked my Myspace and other sites almost every single day this year (EDIT: still checking 3 weeks later). I've managed to not look at T's sites all this time. I've had to, for my sanity, to stay healthy. It's very sad that T has yet to fully grasp what she put me though on purpose (her words). Angry? Yes, you should be angry T, but at yourself, for failing us so tragically. You told S. you knew why we broke up each time - because of your drinking, your "craziness". We are both victims, victims of your drinking problem - I'll say it, alcoholism. I fought for you last summer more than even your father ever fought for you, not to just get us back together, but to help you find a better path, one with me by your side. But you destroyed me, and the best chance you had for the best life you could have. You've said it, you know it, there has never been anyone that knew you better than I. And that ability of mine, also made it so terribly painful last year - I could see right through you (and into each fucking loser). I was going to be the one, I kept trying, and trying. I was going to be the one to help you find your way, the one to help you fix yourself. You know why we broke up, and confessed it to S., and you even said you purposefully pushed me away on top of everything else. Why? Why! Stupid test bullshit. Why didn't you pull me closer, tighter - see if I would run. I would have only run towards you, faster, with full commitment to that path. Loathe you? Hate you? Yes, yes... I had to fall in love with someone that knew how to fully devastate my heart, my soul - and used that super power again and again. I can still picture use together, I can still feel you close, saying you are home. But that will never happen, there are too many people on this planet that could never hurt me the way you did, they get a chance with me now. I thought I lost parts of my heart, pieces shriveled and dead, but those slivers are still alive, kept alive by the love I have for you that will never die. But it's those same infirmed sections of my heart that keep there from being an us.

email: Twittered

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 03:57:00 +0000

Today she found my Twitter and started following (don't think she understands what or how it works yet). She unfollowed later (EDIT: and then followed again about a month later, and unfollowed once again - haven't looked at her Twitter even one time.), but also sent me and an email:

I miss you.
~T

p.s. i am a fool to even send this, but i feel it.

The Truth About Forever

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:41:00 +0000

"We both know life is too short. Too short to waste a single second with anyone who doesn't appreciate and value you."

- The Truth About Forever

Lose Someone

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:40:00 +0000

"I think sometimes you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you."

- Dawson's Creek

You wanna know what the truth is?

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:38:00 +0000

"You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you, and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I just can’t be your buddy. As much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends,” in reality - it's a bizarre form of torture, and I'm just not willing to participate. So right now - what I want to do is just move and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore."

-Dawson's Creek

Shit inside of your heart

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 05:20:00 +0000

Here's the difference, to me, between boys and girls: boys fuck things up; girls are fucked up. That's the difference. Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane. Girls, like, leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide or an atrocity… That's the difference between boys and girls. And it becomes the difference between men and women, really. A man will, like, steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you, but a woman will ruin your fuckin' life. Do you see the difference? Like, a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you intact as a human being. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are nonviolent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
— Louis C.K.

The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:51:00 +0000

If she doesn't suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, then she's a borderline BPD case.

Borderline patients seem to have no internal governor; they are capable of deep love and profound rage almost simultaneously. They are powerfully connected to the people close to them and terrified by the possibility of losing them — yet attack those people so unexpectedly that they often ensure the very abandonment they fear. When they want to hold, they claw instead.

What defines borderline personality disorder — and makes it so explosive — is the sufferers' inability to calibrate their feelings and behavior. When faced with an event that makes them depressed or angry, they often become inconsolable or enraged. Such problems may be exacerbated by impulsive behaviors: overeating or substance abuse; suicide attempts; intentional self-injury.

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:59:00 +0000

I see that you are happy, and please believe that i am so very pleased that you are and do not want to intrude. We have not communicated in so very long and i thought time would steel my heart and wash away the pain, sadly i wake every morning with you in my mind. I want you to know that i am so very sorry that i let my fear rule my actions and all that befell us. I have never regretted something so deeply as i regret losing you the way i did and for all the pain i caused you. I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I miss you truly and i truly wish you great happiness.
Happy New Year.
t

----
She also attempted to add me on IM and sent a yellow rose via Facebook.

That's it? That's all you have? All I'm worth? A paragraph and a fake flower? How do you know if I'm happy? Some photos on Flickr? I'm smiling? There's a woman hugging me? You have no clue. You still don't fully understand how horrible and damaging you were. It's been just a few months. I'm doing what I can, trying the pretend you're happy until you are method. But I think about you throughout each day. I think about what should have been. Then the pain that you seared into my brain creeps in. That will always, for the rest of my life, be with me. And you etched that pain on to my soul on purpose. It is devastating, and I almost find hatred, when I know we should have made it, should have been an us, should be together right this moment, and your actions, your words, destroyed our chance. How can I ever have you part of my life again? Forgiveness is my power, my right. I've considered forgiving you, but not for you, not to find a way back to you, but as a way to release you further out of me. I contemplate if I could one day make foggy the memories of the pain you caused me, just enough so I could sit with you, look into your beautiful eyes, hold your hands in mine, and I know that I'm the one person on this planet that could do that for you. But I fucking hate you. I. Hate. You.

I love you.

email: Happy Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:13:00 +0000

I just wanted to wish you a, day late, happy birthday. I hope life is good!
sincerely,
t

email: think of you

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:42:00 +0000

I think of you often and hope you are ok. May life give all you need and hope for.
sincerely,
t

Retro: Give, and you shall be taken.

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:43:00 +0000

Retrospection... (my ex, once removed)

About 3 years into the relationship, I gave her a promise ring. We didn't have plans to marry, that was just a piece of paper, and not something we needed. Nevertheless, I did want to make sure she knew that I was hers, I was committed to us. I never got an equivalent back from her.

I would kiss and hug her when I got home for the day, every day (until she stopped making an effort to even quit playing minesweeper to greet me). In that brief moment, I would often (near always) get a "woody". She turned me on. Never once was that acted upon when I got home.

I played intramural softball for about 5 years, around 18 games a year spread out over the semesters. She never came to a game. I asked. I'd have to prompt her to ask me how I performed in the game when I got home, and I was usually excited about it.

12 weeks in Montana over 3 vacations... sex one time and I had to basically beg for it.
About twice a year we'd vacation/visit her hometown, about 24 visits. No sex ever. oral? hah. not even a makeout session.
2 times to New Orleans... last time, last night, another beg.

My friends would go dancing to '80s music a couple times a month. It was something we had done early in the relationship (still picture her dancing at Florida Theater). She never would go. Would she ask me to stay home with her, watch a movie, cook, read, sex? Nope. Did I attend her events and gatherings with her friends? Yep.

Cleaning off an old backup hard drive, I found an old paper of hers for a class back in 2001. It was an autobiography titled "My Life Story". I'm not in it. In 2001, we would have been together for 7 years.

We never went to my family back home for Christmas. Always hers.

She never kept a photo of me in her office. Other photos were up, but just not one of me. I kept in my office my favorite of her dressed as a pirate.

Breaking up took two, 1 hour sessions of talking. She didn't fight for us. No "but I love you and want to grow old with you." She even moved herself into the spare bedroom before the talking was done.

What a chump, loving dumbass chump.

Ode To A Suffering Fool

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 02:20:00 +0000

You've stopped being a good human. You'll have to explain why someday.
You need to figure it out or you’ll never forgive yourself. Never.
You'll still be walking your destructive path 3 new lives from now.
You're now the one that won't talk. You keep it all inside.
You won't let me help you. Your ego is a cancer.
Everything is you. I'm just an old toy crumpled up in the corner.
You were meant to live alone, and to suffer alone.
And to drive yourself fucking crazy. I just don’t understand.
You're sick.
Sick of yourself, of your own standards, your emotional ignorance.
Of your fucking lies, your deceit, your half-truths, your secrets.
You've keep me around, but in the dark.
Because my fears don't count. Because my love doesn't count.
Because you don't give a fuck what happens to me.
Just as beautiful as you are, it's so pitiful what you are.
Your troubles are so deep.
You think more about the bottle than tomorrow.
Spirits enter you and evaporate through your flesh.
You've become a respectable worker in the field of badness.
I'm fucking stupid, all you care about is you in the now.
You take all that is given, and steal that which is not.
I'm exhausted.
You've been driving me insane.
Fuck him. Love me. Fuck him. Miss me. Fuck you.
But I'm not a puppet for your ego, for your failures.
Enjoy your hole. Have fun rotting by yourself. Alone.
I will not be there the day your mother dies.
I've never been this mean to anyone, and it's the last skill I learn from you.
It's the last time I let myself be this way.
It's for me, not for you.
It's time to think of myself, of my own needs.
Because I see no future with you.

-shout to Sex and Lucía, F. Weltsch, and 10 Days

Complicated Grief

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 19:12:00 +0000

A complicated grief "has to persist for six months or more in a way that interferes with your daily functioning," says UCLA researcher Mary-Frances O'Connor.

I hope I can overcome much sooner from all the damage she's caused inside my brain, my heart. When I think of her, I feel loss and pain and sadness and anger, and then I find those memories of happy, wonderful days, floating into my mind.

In the brain there's a fine line between pleasure and pain - a superfast, synaptic freeway with neurons firing in a battle for happiness over insanity.

Sex, Lie, Manipulate

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 11:07:00 +0000

You said you got a vibrator and went off the pill as proof you don't want to have sex; don't want a man in your life. You got the vibrator to enhance your sex life and went on some other type of birth control. Why the trip to C'ville's Planned Parenthood with your mom? Why the reminders about the vibrator? Just lies to yourself until you believe them as truth.

The days you would call and say you weren't worth it were days after you fucked him again.

You, with the addictions, stop having great sex with a guy that lives a block away? Ya, right.

You tell me you've gone over to his place with a bottle of wine, got drunk, and crashed in his bed as just another example of men you've slept drunk with. And you tell me there is no reason to not trust you. Nobody on the planet would believe you didn't fuck.

You say a friend purchased the All Good ticket for you. When you say just "friend" it means it's either a direct lie and you purchased the ticket or it means a guy purchased the ticket for you. $150 for the ticket; I'm sure you're still fucking him.

You chase after him into a parking lot. Have your usual screaming match (some how being loud and crazy means you care really, really a lot) and tell me that he said he's starting to realize that you care about him. But you won't run after me because you've blown all your gas money on iTunes and alcohol. But you have all these great new people up there, surely one would have given you money. A good friend would have even driven you.

After just 2 months and only fucking him, you called him a best friend. The lies you tell yourself that you then live are so sad. Who were S., S., A., to you? Those were true friends that you could count on being there every time, all the time. And what was I? What's 10,000 fold above your new "best friend"?

You Know Where Home Is

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:39:00 +0000

You don't know what happened Saturday? Do you not see that is part of the problem? This comes back into your face. This what you have wanted. You have wanted to hurt me, no doubt about it, your actions and words have been proof; you have told me this. You've wanted to try to make me go away, to see if I'll stay. What have you been telling me, what did you say plain as day; I'm not worth it, go away, I don't love you, I don't love you that way, never will, there are things you can never do for me, and there was one thing you held back on - can't imagine what that was. I bet you told your friends after graduation weekend you were so happy I was gone, left early. I wondered sometimes if they offered to beat my ass if I would have come to Vines. I wonder if they are really confused now, wondering what is going on about some dude you tell them hurt you, abandoned you, and crushed you. They're wondering what the problem is, he's gone, you got rid of him. You told me yourself you only tell them your side, don't tell them everything, manipulate the truth. Like I said you don't lie to your friends, tell them half-truths, because eventually they will realize it. Think of your school oath. That's for life. You are a beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring, and nurturing, women with a hard past, open wounds, exposed flaws, and a real friend will accept you as you are, no need to reinvent, deceive. No reason. If they can't see you as whom you really are, why are they worth being in your life? Am I worth having in your life? You haven't shown me that's for sure. But you didn't have to, I know there is another you in there that is full of love, will devote and give again. Can I be the one in the end? I don't know, and they way you need to test me, to push me, I don't know if I understand any feelings you have for me. I get the anger part. But I have been trying, and you are god damn worth it. Being on the receiving end of the real you is an experience that is immeasurable. You know the real you, you remember her; I will not forget her.

I knew what your first response would be after the phone call was over. It would be all about you. Well, actually, I was surprized (shouldn't have been really) that you first cared about figuring out the very deragatory remark about you on your fuck buddy's, I mean best friend's, MySpace page. Sorry, but "three triggaz in the honey comb", if that wasn't about you, you still can't be OK with it as an adult (feminist) woman. But your next call got it back on track all about you. It's happening to you again, abandoned again. I'm doing this to you again. How can I abandon that which is not mine? How can you say I abandoned you when you have not wanted me, don't love me that way, and something you held back on saying? (Why? Devastating? Really true?) You tell me I was making you feel like you still had a boyfriend. Then you go on to saying you don't want to lose me, you love me, you need me; does that not turn me back towards you treating me like a boyfriend? You treat me like we are in a committed relationship or surely heading towards one (Can I have your old phone? Europe trip? Take me home to San Miguel? Buy you a new bed?) You expect my guaranteed love and respect and kindness and duty to being there for you no matter what, even after what you did yesterday. Have you respected me, been kind to me? You have put so much shit in my face. You have said things that you just don't say, you just don't - like the things you've told me about you and your, as your mom called him, plaything. I told your mom you were playing with my heart. Your mom said that you have to give the oldest cow the longest leash. I told her I'm trying to give you the world to roam, I just want to walk with you. You work me like I'm supposed spend the rest of my life giving you my love, my kindness, continue to do the little things like ordering yuca just for you, all the things I have done to make you happy or get you through your school papers; and all I get in return is your anger, your frustrations, your stories of you forcing yourself on some loser who smokes too much pot, is uneducated, never will be, and cuts hair (your own words), drunken parties where you end up in bed or on a couch with a near stranger or someone who just got out of jail. That is not a life path I wish to take, one I should not be asked to take, one I should not have to take.

I have a tremendous amount of trust lost in you. You've asked for implicit trust, said there is no reason not to trust you. Your words have not matched your actions, actions have not matched words. To trust that nothing happened when you tell me take a bottle of wine to your ex-affair, get drunk, and sleep next to him, takes a lot of strength and hope and belief in you. Can you understand how difficult that is? How I would not want that to happen? You must understand that. An hour after arriving for graduation weekend, you lied to A. about texting your friend with benefits right next to me just 5 minutes after sitting down (so were you able to score some pot?) You must understand that as much as I have been working for us to be together again, I not only have to be accepted back by you, but I have been willing to accept you back as well. Do you not have your own flaws? Have you worked on them? Are you a better human over the last 3 years; have you grown? And I know well now and have felt close to the massive amount of pain you endured and understand you are so broken. We are both flawed creatures and have our faults that we must own, understand, and ask for help when we fail to address them, but must also help each other when they expose themselves to us and others, and be willing to be allowed to be helped.

You've accused me of a motive for helping you through the end of school, an expectation that you would be mine. Wrong expectation, but yes a motive, and personal need. If a man ever treated you like you have me the last 3 months, how long would you have lasted? How long would you have taken the malicious and purposeful abuse, the lies, the deceit, the fucking around, the sleeping with strangers, the disregard for themselves, for others. Why have I? I love you. I have been trying to find a way to right the tremendous wrong that came down on you. I did abandon you. I did. My best friend. The person that made me whole. There are no words in an apology I can write that would do justice for the harm and damage. I have been trying through action right these kinds of horrible wrongs. You know what I have endured. I have been taking the pain to try to take yours away, but you have so much, so much pain. But a lot of it is self-inflicted, making decisions and then dealing with the consequences, not thinking of them first. And I've watched you set yourself up for more and more, some of what you have encountered already, inflicted by new people in your life (have you felt cheated on? lied to? the lesbian rumor spread by an "adult"? And it continues.)

Was you with another man a catalyst for contacting you? Hell, yes, what stronger catalyst can you have to get your words, your feeling, your life in order to not lose the women you have wanting to find a way back to. Does the reason matter after you have seen my actions, read my words, felt my love for you? Did I come up there in April for 4 days and stake my claim to your body like a lion in Africa? No. Sex was not the purpose, and you made me promise. Could I have? The spark was there. Wonderful kiss. Yes, you wanted to, you tried to. Did I not show integrity, respect, love. How many of your friends know about that weekend, how it went? I kept the promise you asked for, like the one to come to graduation no matter what.

I am not going to watch you from afar get hurt, hurt yourself, hurt others because you are willing to allow yourself to be this object of pain you believe you are destined to be your whole life. I am not going to spend another night wondering if you are fucking someone into the morning. I am not going to allow myself to be pathway for you to hurt yourself, I can not let that happen anymore. I am not going to hurt needlessly anymore. Something to hold on to? Something to keep going? Then I will continue to endure, to stay, to work to make right what is wrong. But you know all too well, and for that I still lose sleep, that a mind can only take so much. You've broken down several times wondering if you lost me - the days after graduation, after my Europe trip, just a couple days ago. You've recognized that you've been a hypocrite and have been taking me for granted. A well placed I miss you, I love you. I do not deserve to be played. If you will always be angry at me, if you will be able to say "I don't love you that way", if you never ever will find a way back, then please respect my love for you and let me be. You call me at 4:30am and tell me you miss me and love me, and 10 minutes later you pass out in your own bed with some drunk dude you've known for 10 days (but at least you say you implicitly trust this dude, that he'd never make a pass at you... so he's gay?). Do you not comprehend what that does to me? Maybe you do? You break down to S., crying how you don't know how you could be so mean and horrible to me; how you know that I'm the one man for you, I'm the one. But will you come visit, like you have been saying, like you even told my parents? No, you've blown all your money on alcohol and iTunes you say - I'm not worth another $100 in gas (gee, thanks for asking me if I'd pay for the gas). If you truly do not know, not sure, then please be serious with your thoughts and feelings. Look into your mind, and your heart. Understand and contemplate that which is concrete, look deep into your mind. Even our Sun, as cosmically close as it is, can only exert during the day about as much force as a mosquito landing on you. If you look to the distance stars for guidance just use them to focus your heart, not to control it.

If you find you love my bones as your mother would want you to feel some day, you will find a way. There is a way, there has to be. If you don't then to what end would my enduring love for you have in my life? You have taken everything I have given these months, I've received nothing close to happiness, or kindness, or a possible future, yet continue I have. You think of me when you wonder about a good future, about true love, true hearts. You used my love and friendship, and I let it happen with full purpose, to get you through the end of school. Who could have been there for you? Who would have cared to do what I did? Anyone else? You know you would have gotten incompletes if I hadn't been back in your life. 2400 minutes on the phone, 40 hours, in April. I ate, slept, shit when you did the last two weeks before your papers were due. We took a walk together, over the phone, when you had an anxiety attack. We watched movies and shows together synced on iTunes. You'd say love you, miss you, just out of the blue. We read a book to each other again. That month, the last couple weeks, was above and beyond just a friendship - it was reconnecting. Add up all the effort of others in you past, not as much as me. Add up all the love, not as much as me. I have worked so hard for you, for us. I have endured so many bad days with you. Look at your early emails to me, you know, they started a week after our first kiss. You have endured my flaws, too. And they were serious, and difficult ones, and ones that we needed to stay an early us. You know how much I have worked on mine. Done? No. Must continue to grow? Yes, a life and life-partnership necessity. And I know I must continue to do better, I feel very bad about how things ended Saturday. I understand better how anger works, I was shaking and upset. That is not the conversation to have when you were wasted. I failed there, I recognize that, I will learn from that. It should have sooner to take a call or contacted you back after I settled down. How have you grown? How have you taken hold of your flaws, you insecurities, your difficulties? Do you watch them as they occur inside and around you and do something about it, or do you let it continue to happen and try to deal with the consequences and pick up the pieces hoping you can find all of them? How many times are you going to have to say "so sorry, so drunk" before you realize the hurt to yourself and those that actually care about you (if it doesn't upset someone, then they don't care about you, maybe just using you). How many emails do I have from you saying that? How many texts the last few months from you saying that? How many times the last 3 months have you said, "this is meant to hurt you," but you tell me anyways. I think about your life 3 hours from now, 3 days, 3 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10, 20 years, the day your mother dies. I think I might think about your future more than you do sometimes.

If you push all the men away in your life, they will all leave. That is simple logic, simply life. If you are not wanted you go. We seek places we are wanted, needed, desired, where we can make a difference and improve someone's life and ours, and grow together. I know you feel those from me. You showed me my flaws and life skills I didn't have. And then you hammered on them, and on and on, until I broke, too. And the distance prevented there being a feedback loop, something I could read and watch the build-up of anxiety and frustration and insecurities. Instead, it would just explode and I hadn't been slowly exposed to my missing skills, time to grow and fix them. I want us to grow better together. To work on them together. If you, we, can't find trust again, then my continuing to work towards an us again is toxic. Unrequited love is insanity and can kill one's heart. Are you are full of contempt and disdain for me and no admiration and respect, if so then why continue this? You can't change whom you love, we can only love them better. If you love me, then just love me harder. I don't want you if you are only worried about losing me. I don't want you if I'm just some backup plan. I don't want you if feel like you are settling. I deserve to be number one in someone's life, as I would make her.

You know I've jumped with no net. I've been fearless. I have hoped you would jump up, catch me, and we would fly and never hit the ground. I may well hit the pavement soon, but I would have spent the rest of my life wondering if there was an incredible woman that I missed having in my life because I was scared to expose my heart, soul, mind, and life.

Saturday morning I was at Target to get my usual Magic 8-Ball I give people getting married and I walked past the office supplies. I picked up a dry eraser board. I looked at them for a while. I was going to send one to you. It represented to me a clean slate. But I wonder if there would need to be things written on first that would have come off one-by-one before it would be clean.

Kafka's Bauer said "how indifferent people can get, how deeply convinced of having lost the right track forever". I have told you before that I believe in you. I know you are searching for yourself and you will find her. I trust you will figure out the right things to do, and then do them the best you can. I will not ever except you are not capable of devotion and kindness and love again. I want to touch your face again. I want to cradle your head in my neck.

Hard

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:34:00 +0000

Been too hard to write since last post. That night of my last post was the worst day of my life. Well, until I went up for her graduation weekend. Put three of those days together. Been a few since as well. Then last Saturday we had a doozy. Not going to talk for 2 months... Next post is what's been pouring out of my heart and brain.

Coin Operated Boy

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:39:00 +0000

She told me today her new favorite song is Coin Operated Boy, and set it as her main song on her myspace page. Nice. It's about a girl having a guy she can use to just fuck her. Of course I got upset. She's still fucking the loser. Right in my face.

Mix, Chop, Stir, Fry

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:29:00 +0000

It's been mostly a survivable week. Tuesday night we were supposed to have talked again after we talked as she was walking to the pizza parlor. She didn't called back after a couple calls. Same as last Tuesday. Damn, my mind so wanders to really tough thoughts. I Couldn't sleep. Was really down Wednesday morning and she could tell when we talked briefly after she left a message saying she had gone to bed early (same think she told a mutual friend the same morning). I believe her, no reason not to. It’s Just my own fatalism taking hold. An afternoon talk Wednesday morning she grilled me a bit why I was down, I know she would have guessed. She basically said she doesn't need to keep me abreast of what she's doing. Correct. Friends. Still hurts badly.

She called Wednesday night as she was walking to a local bar to meet two girlfriends for a girls evening out. I did good, "have fun", "you've been working hard, you deserve it", etc. She called at 2:45am Thursday on her walk home. Drunk, yes. Alone, yes. I know she cares. Wish I would been able to wake up to the call, it was next to my bed - just so exhausted from the week. I think the Battlestar ringer set off a sci-fi dream I had. She called when she was on her way to campus in the morning, hung-over, the poor girl. It was a good talk. Then another 5 calls from her during the rest of the day. Last one wish me luck on a 5K I ran Thursday at midnight on campus. It was a good day. And today, she beat me to calling in the morning.

During the drive home, I was listening to a remake of "In Your Eyes" by Sara Bareilles and just started balling. Such a sad and hopeful song, it really gets to me hard.

I love her as a flower loves the Sun.

I'll Take The Bad Times

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:35:00 +0000

Take A Look Around

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:27:00 +0000

Movie and Take-Out

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 23:31:00 +0000

Last night I endured her telling me things like how she's obsessed with the other guy, how she views him as just something for her ego, oh and sex thrown in there. Nothing is going on currently, but only because he stopped I think - something she can't take, rejection. Tough talk to take myself. What got her started was her two long time friends aren't going to come to her graduation, something she's wanted to complete for 10 years, so important to her. She gave one her credit card. One lives a state away, even asked if I would pick her up on the way to Virginia - sure, of course I would. She was not in a good mood, and I got to listen - wish she could have left out the part that hurts so bad. She got off phone as she was meeting up with a girlfriend, I expected a night of drinking and the other guy.

She called me this evening. She's was very hung over. She slowly tells me about her night, the drinking, the shots, the fun hanging with the band. The other guy was there with his best friend (guess she's hot). She alludes to going home alone and how maybe she at least will have a friendship with the other guy. Wish I had that phone call this morning - wasn't a great day with my mind wandering.

So this evening, she called taking a break from study. She wanted to watch a movie and wondered if I would watch it with her. So nothing like getting a movie on iTunes synced with another that's 658 miles away. We watched the whole movie together, talking on the phone through it - fun since I hate that in the theaters. She said she was getting hungry and wanted chicken. Well, anybody that knows me would say I'm pretty resourceful. I tracked down the only Chinese restaurant that will deliver to her area and place her an order - gets there at the end of the movie (In The Valley of Elah - well worth a rental).

In the middle of the movie, she tells me she misses me. I miss you, too. I miss you, too.

We are good people

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 23:25:00 +0000

Does your Mom rely on L.? Does she hate him for it? Does she love him less for it? Does she love herself less for it?

You pushed me away, I didn't reject you. I had to let go of you for yourself and for me. Your drinking forced me away, and your friends, and your family. I think we all knew you needed to find the bottom and pull yourself out. Nobody could do that for you. When you say you'll go back to drinking and not be happy down here, that's really wrong. I'm not the cause of your drinking - which you still rely on as we've not been together for months. It's a matter of security and full comfort with a man you need. It comes from the issues with your father. I accept you, I love you, I want you, I desire you. I want to touch you and protect you. That is how you love someone.

We are good people. We are great people. We once were madly in love. I didn't let go of loving you and a dream of being with you and I've found myself falling in love with you all over again. If you shut down, close up, we'll miss the most important moment in our lives. You do give so much of yourself, something I've been able channel and can give back. But there's a part of you that I didn't get into.

Don't write me off just yet.

My Do Nots

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 23:15:00 +0000

I don't yell at you.
I don't argue to argue with you.
I don't lie to you.
I don't manipulate you.
I don't say cruel things to you.
I don't intimidate you.
I don't threaten you.
I don't pull the silent treatment on you.

I don't make you feel powerless.
I don't make you feel helpless.
I don't make you fear me.
I don't humiliate you.
I don't degrad you.
I don't shame you.
I don't abuse you.

Lost

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 23:09:00 +0000

We are good people. We are great people. We once were madly in love. I didn't let go of loving you and a dream of being with you and I've fallen in love with you all over again. If you shut down, close up, we'll miss the most important moment in our lives.