My Life Sober

Where Have I Been? Still Sober

2018-08-30T11:12:00.001-05:00

Hello! I haven't written here in so long. I just wanted to leave a quick update on what has been happening in my life. I have been sober since 2-6-11, almost 7 years and 7 months. Things are going well.

My 2 middle boys live with me every other week and their dad every other week. My daughter lives with me full time and my oldest son lives with his dad full time. I see him on weekends. He's almost 18! I can not believe it.

I am a small business owner. I am in internet sales. A reseller to be specific. I love it. I've been doing it since Jan 2014. I've been full time, going hard core since Jan 2016. I wish I would have started a long time ago. It's the most fulfilling job I've ever had, I used to be a caregiver. I have been so unbelievably busy, that is why I don't really write anymore.

I just wanted to drop a line or 2 in case anyone stumbles upon this blog and wonders if I must have relapsed or something since I haven't been posting. No, I have not relapsed. I rarely ever thing about alcohol. I'm doing very well, very busy. Life is good. I still have stress and anxiety in my life, like most people, but I am handling it without alcohol. I am happily sober!

It is possible to go through a few rough years where you use alcohol as a crutch and make a million horrible mistakes and then get sober and stay sober. It isn't always easy, but you can do it!

A Little Encouragement For the Alcoholic

2015-10-14T18:35:00.001-05:00

Hey. It's been a long time since I've been here. I haven't written much at all, here or on my other blog. I've been busy with other things and haven't made the time to write. I do this all the time, though. I vow to write more, then you never hear from me again.

My Facebook Page Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery has had quite a bit of likes over the past few months. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe because I changes the name a few months ago from Alcoholics in Recovery to Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery? I've had this page for at least 2 or 3 years, so the sudden interest is nice. I wish that when I started it I had made it maybe a closed group so people would feel more comfortable sharing. But I didn't really know anything about Facebook groups, communities or pages when I started it. I was just winging it. Maybe I can change it or create a new group. That will take up a bit of time, though, moderating (is that a word?)

Robert Downey Jr. is an inspiration to me.

I started this blog for many reasons, but one reason was to offer some encouragement to others. I don't know how much help I could be to people or how much advise I can actually offer. I'm not a counselor or anything like that. All I can do is tell my story and what my experience is.

I really just wanted people, especially women and mothers, to know they aren't alone. I felt so alone for the years I was an active alcoholic. Nobody understood what I was going through. People thought I could just make a choice to quit. "If you really loved your kids..." they would say. It's not that simple.

In treatment there was a sign hanging on the wall, a sign that I hated at the time and didn't understand. It said, "There's nothing stronger than a mothers love...except addiction." I understand it now. I loved my kids more than anything and I would do anything for them. I would have died for them. But I could not stop drinking. I wanted to. I attempted to multiple times. But the craving and the need for alcohol always overcame my best efforts. Nobody understood what I was going through, even I didn't really understand it.

My point is, if I have a point, is that every now and then I am reminded of what I went through and the feelings I had during my drinking days and during early recovery. Being reminded makes me want to get back to my original goal - offering hope and encouragement. I am grateful that people are finding my page and I hope I can offer encouragement along the way, even if people aren't comfortable engaging. Maybe I will start a support group on Facebook. That will take some serious thought, though. Alcoholism isn't a daily thought for me anymore and I'm not sure I want it to be. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people in recovery. It's all they might think about. Especially early recovery. I feel lucky for the fact that I can go about my day to day without obsessing over alcohol. But I can't say that I never think about it. I can't say there aren't times when I wish I could be like other people in terms of drinking. But I've accepted I can't.

A few weeks ago, I was at a football game. We had box seats that were shared with some people we didn't know. I was making my food at the counter and there was a huge bottle of Vodka sitting there, which was my drink of choice. I had no desire, craving or anything for it. I actually felt a bit nauseated by it. I say that not to brag, but to offer hope. At one time, Vodka consumed me as much as I consumed it. Now, I can be in the same room with it and feel nothing but disgust.

Life is good. God is good. Change is possible for those who really want it. And please don't wait until you hit rock bottom to stop drinking. Bottom could be the death of someone innocent, or even yourself.

Please follow my page (links above). It's for anyone in recovery, struggling with recovery, wanting to get sober or for those with loved ones in recovery or still struggling. It is meant to be a supportive place to find encouragement and hope, to give and receive.

Being Humble In Recovery

2015-04-10T13:05:00.002-05:00

Being humble in recover isn't always easy. Sometimes you want to justify your actions and behaviors or you want to blame other people for your actions because they treated you bad or lied about you or whatever the case. It's easy to let pride stand in the way of admitting to others and ourselves what we have done wrong. Maybe those people really did do things to hurt you and the stress and pain led you down the path of alcoholism. But the fact is that we make our own decisions. Nobody forces us to do anything (in most cases).

Part of recovery is making changes to our personality. Probably the most important change is to humble ourselves. Not only in recovery, but in life. God says very clearly to be humble. We need to humble ourselves before Him to allow Him into our hearts. But we should also humble ourselves before others to allow them into our hearts and our lives.

Quote from Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional.

People can try our patience and cause us to become defensive in the life of recovery. Sometimes they aren't willing to forgive our mistakes, despite the positive changes and progress we are making. Sometimes being humble means staying quiet. People will say hurtful things and sometimes they refuse to see or acknowledge our growth. It hurts, but we can't allow others to dictate how we behave anymore. We need to be humble. We can state clearly that the past is behind us and we are moving forward and hope our loved ones will one day see for themselves. But we need to fight the urge to become defensive, as hard as it can be.

Part of being humble is helping others. When we see others who are down and out or are trying to make positive life choices, we help in whatever way we can. Help a neighbor or a single mother or a child with whatever task they are working on. When we help others, we help ourselves. It feels good to offer kindness and we should expect nothing in return. This isn't only the way in recovery, but the Christian way. It's the way Christ told us to live. Be a servant of the Lord.

It's important for me to stop and think about these things sometimes. Life tends to get in the way of us doing what we know we should be doing. That's why having a good devotional is important. I pulled out my Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional the other day. It is by far the best devotional I have. It offers a paragraph for the alcoholic in recovery - a daily thought. It also offers a meditation for the day - a paragraph pertaining to our relationship with God. Then it has a prayer for the day - a paragraph for us to think about throughout the day.

My devotional has been well loved!

My devotional was given to me about 6 years ago, when I first attempted to get sober, by a nice woman in AA. As I've mentioned, I no longer go to AA. I haven't in over 3 1/2 years. So I don't know what ever happened to her. I have other methods of staying sober; getting in touch with my Higher Power is the main way for me. This devotional is amazing. Even the non-alcoholic could appreciate this book. We all have personality or character defects that cause us to do things or behave in a way that isn't the best and we should be addressing those defects. This book helps us look at ourselves in a new way. I love it. I hadn't read it about a year or so, so I'm making a fresh start. Today's thoughts on being humble was inspired by this book.

You can read more about being humble in the Bible.

1 Peter 5:6 says

"Humble yourselves, therefore,
under the mighty hand of God
so that at the proper time he
may exalt you,"

Philippians 2:3-11 says:

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
Have this mind among yourselves,
which is yours in Christ Jesus, who,
though he was in the form of God,
did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,
being born in the likeness of men..."

Ask yourself, "have I been humbling myself before God and man?" I know I could do better myself.

What are your thoughts on humility?

Remaking This Blog & Thoughts On Recovery

2015-04-03T22:07:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about this blog off and on for a while. This blog was my first and writing here was very therapeutic for me during the most difficult time of my life. But once I felt like I had gotten my life together, I didn't feel I needed to write here anymore.

I have been sober for over 4 years. February 6 is my sobriety date. It came and went without a thought until about a day or two later. I don't know what exactly that means. I have been sober longer than what I would consider to be in full on alcohol addiction. I drank off and on for several years, but the hard core drinking only lasted a couple years, with very brief periods of sobriety, or being dry.

I don't live the kind of sober life that most people in recovery do. I don't go to AA meetings and I haven't been to one since my 6 month anniversary. The meeting in my town is not for me. Some of the "old-timers" are not for me. I wasn't ready to open up - I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't like speaking in front of groups of people - until I get comfortable with them. Some of the people in this meeting didn't want to give me that time and space to get comfortable enough to trust and open up. So, after one humiliating meeting, I never returned.

I have nothing against meetings at all. I think in very early recovery meetings can be the difference between having a drink and not having a drink. But for me personally, I always left a meeting wanting a drink more than I did before I went to one.

I haven't had any strong desire to have a drink in years. It is not something I think about. Alcohol is not on my mind on a regular basis. I am pretty much only reminded of it when I see it. When I see drunk people on t.v., particularly reality shows, like on MTV or Bravo, I am reminded of why I no longer drink. Drunk people are stupid and annoying. No offense, of course. I took stupid and annoying to a whole new level. I was an insane drunk.

So, why am I back here? I don't drink. I don't have a desire to drink. I don't go to AA and I no longer read the Big Book. I haven't put much effort into the actual recovery process. I just worked on my own personal issues that led me to drink. So why come back? This blog did become a niche blog, despite my intentions to not be. It's kind of hard not to be in the recovery niche when your blog name is My Life Sober, amirite? I write a less nichey blog, so what am I doing writing this post now? I guess I feel like there is unfinished business on this blog. I feel like there are people out there who might need some inspiration. I realize that sounds a bit arrogant and that isn't my intention. I wish when I was first recovering, there was a blog out there written by someone I could relate to.

I still have plenty of thoughts on alcoholism and addiction. The problem is that my views and opinions are based off of MY OWN experiences. My personal experience, my experience in rehab - three times to be exact; one inpatient, 2 outpatient. My brief stays in jail due to drunken arrests and my experience dealing with people who are battling their own demons. Because it's based mostly off experience and not something I was taught in "substance abuse school," some people might not like my opinions. But I'm not writing for those people.

One opinion I have is that substance abuse counselors should be in recovery themselves. During my 3 times in rehab, I had 6 different counselors. Tell me that's not f'd up. I have had counselors that have never been an alcoholic or addict. I've had counselors who were hard core addicts, but were in recovery and working their own program. Who do you think I responded to the best? The people who have been where I have been. The woman who knew first hand how I felt losing my children because she too once lost her kids. The woman who showed me first hand that you can be the lowest of the low at the darkest point in your life, then fight your way back up and get your kids back. The woman who called me out in a respectful yet firm manner. The one who listened and didn't assume she knew everything about me simply because I'm an alcoholic and we are "all the same." She knew better than that and she knew that my story isn't the same as the next alcoholic or addict. I have my own story. And she listened and helped me see a better way.

My point is I don't trust many counselors in this area. The ones who get their info from books rather than experience worry me. The ones I have had didn't listen. They felt they knew it all and I knew nothing about myself. They undermined everything I said and believed and when I disagreed with them on their opinions not facts, they would pull out the "you're an alcoholic, you aren't smarter than me" card. They treated us like we had lived our whole lives wrong without ever knowing anything about our lives. I don't respond well to that. I don't know an alcoholic or addict who does.

I have my own thought on AA. It isn't for everyone and it isn't the only way a person can get and stay sober. It has it's place, but I don't believe it's the end all be all. I know that is controversial in the recovery world because you're taught that AA or CA or NA is the ONLY WAY. It's not. GOD is the only way. Or whatever your higher power is. AA teaches that too but they also treat AA as if it is some higher power and is to be trusted more than God. I've been to some good meetings but people rely more on the meeting than God's power.

I know and have known since about February 6th or 7th, 2011, when I was laying in a jail cell contemplating suicide because I knew I couldn't live with myself and what I had done. I planned to find a way to do it. My kids were better off, right? How could I ever face them again? My babies. My life. I couldn't live with it. But God showed me a better way. He allowed those awful things to happen to give me another chance. No, it shouldn't have happened, but it forced me to realize what I was doing. I hadn't only been hurting myself. I had been hurting my kids. And I had actually hurt my child because of the alcohol. I couldn't kill myself and leave them so many questions and they would always doubt my love for them and maybe even blame themselves. I wouldn't allow that to happen. I was determined to change. I would stop drinking. That was no longer an option. I would have to find a way to deal with the pain I was carrying with me.

I worked for 2 years on myself and didn't have one drink and I got my kids back. That wasn't all me. It was God. I have always known it is God who keeps me sober. Once I start trying to take control of the situation back from Him, that is when I will fail. I gave it to Him and I believe that is where it will stay. As long as I leave it there.

I won't say these 4 years have been all easy. I have had a couple very brief moments in the past where I thought, "I really wish I could have a drink right now." But it is always replaced with "but I can't have A drink." I have questioned whether I am a full blown alcoholic or was I a problem drinker. I was seriously depressed and I began using alcohol as a form of medication. It only intensified my depression. But was I just drinking so much because I was so depressed and things in my life weren't good? Could I handle it now? Could I have one drink? Could I drink if I stayed away from the hard stuff? I'm in a better place now, maybe it was just circumstances?

But maybe it wasn't. And it just isn't worth the risk. It isn't worth losing my kids over for good just to try it, hoping for the best. It doesn't matter if I was just a problem drinker and I am healed now. As far as everyone and their mom is concerned, I'm an alcoholic. If anyone thought I had even one measly wine cooler, I would be called a drunk and I would have my kids taken and people would be talking more than they already do. Even if it really was only one drink. It doesn't matter.

I've worked too hard to get where I am. Even if nobody gives me credit for what I have done, I know what I have done and been through. I quit drinking cold turkey. Yes, I had to, if I ever wanted to see my kids again. But some people lose their kids and that isn't enough to make them stop what they are doing. They might want to but they can't. It is a choice, but isn't that simple for everyone.

We aren't all the same. We all have a different and unique story. I don't like alcoholics and addicts being lumped into a stereotypical category. We are the same in some ways and so completely different in others. It would be wise for counselors to realize that.

I am going to use this blog to write about this subject as well as self healing. Not self medicating, but self healing. I am going to go a bit of a different route with this blog, but I will stick with the recovery niche. I will write the story of how I got here and I hope it helps another struggling mother. My opinions might not be conventional, and I'm not a specialist, a counselor or doctor. Just someone who's been there. I hope I can offer something on the subject.

I write at Transforming Serenity and that is my priority blog, but I will start making this blog more of a priority as well. I want to have a sense of humor here, because you have to in some situations. So don't be offended. I plan to be very honest about my thoughts on things. I've done some shitty things in my life and I've had a lot of shitty things happen to me. If you are interested and read, thank you.

You Can Find Me On My New-Ish Blog

2014-12-02T16:46:00.000-06:00

My Life Sober will always be very special to me because it was my first blog. I wrote about some difficult issues I was going through at a difficult time in my life. I haven't been writing much here because I write a new-ish blog Transforming Serenity. It is not alcoholism related, though I've written about my past a bit. It is about my journey trying to live a healthy and positive life. I wanted to write a blog that is true to where I am at in life now. My alcohol problems are part of my past and I am looking forward, while still remembering where I have been. I write about anything and everything there. Writing multiple blogs is getting really difficult. I want to keep my thoughts and posts in the same place as much as possible.So that is where you can find me now. Please come read it.

I once had a problem with binge drinking. I would never imply that I am cured or healed from the serious disease of alcoholism. But I have been sober almost 4 years. I have stayed sober on my own. I have not gone to meetings, except the first few months. I got to a place where I had to make a choice: continue drinking and lose my kids for good, or stop drinking and change the way I do things. I decided to stop drinking. I know it isn't that simple for most alcoholics.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever stop. I was so depressed that I really didn't care and I liked drinking. I didn't like what it did to my kids, but I was in a self-loathing place in my life. Things did fall apart and I hit rock bottom for sure. It could've been worse but it was pretty bad. I woke up and stopped. I haven't had a drink since. There have been a couple times when the thought, "I really want a drink right now" have come to mind. I wish I could drink like normal people. I wish I could have a couple. But I won't.

I've read that most people who drink too much are not actually alcoholics, but problem drinkers that can learn to drink in moderation. I wasn't your typical drunk. I stayed sober for periods of time before drinking again. But when I did drink, I binged. I didn't stop til I couldn't drink any more. I liked drinking. I didn't like waking up with no memory of the night before. I didn't enjoy waking up in jail. I didn't enjoy the pain I caused my kids. But up until the last year of my drinking, I enjoyed it.

Am I an alcoholic? Or am I a problem drinker who drank out of depression and drank too much when I did drink? I'm most likely an alcoholic. I used to drink once in a great while and I knew my limits. But could I control myself right now if I picked it up again? Maybe if I was only drinking beer and stayed away from vodka. But is it worth trying to find out if I could control it again? Not at all. Believe it or not, I'm no fool. It might take me fucking up repeatedly but eventually I learn.

Even if I did decide I could handle it now, because I am in a totally different place in my life - I'm not depressed, I'm not alone, things are great - everyone would be flipping the fuck out if I ever had a beer again. It's not worth scaring the shit out of my loved ones. The risks outweigh the benefits by far.

I never felt like a true alcoholic. I felt like I was lying to and about myself every time I called myself one. I had 3 counselors tell me I didn't fit the mold, Other than I had gotten into trouble because I was drunk, but that didn't make me an alcoholic. None of my counselors knew how to help me because of that. They don't teach moderation in any of the rehab's I went to. At the time, I didn't need moderation, though. I just needed to quit.

It pisses me off when people who have no business calling me an alcoholic do. It's not for them to make that call. Nobody is going to define me with their labels. It is very rude and disrespectful to call someone something that will define them for the rest of their lives, based solely on their difficult times. People do change. Either you are an alcoholic or you aren't. And for somebody who has no real knowledge of the disease to tell you that you are something is really fucked up. I have always felt that way. I have read and studied so much on the disease and I still couldn't tell you if I am a TRUE alcoholic or if I was just self-medicating my deep depression. If I had come out of that depression before I started drinking would I have become this "alcoholic?" I doubt it.

I definitely know I had a serious problem. I know that if I were to get over confident and take the risk and have a drink, I am taking my life into my own hands. Because I might be able to control it for a period of time and things would seem great and I might think I'm in the clear. But I could just as easily fall on my face and destroy my entire life that I have worked too hard to rebuild. What I fell into depression again, which I often do, and then I lose control of myself again? Is it worth that risk?

I've stayed sober for 4 years without any outside help. ~~I have helped myself~~ God has helped me stay sober. I firmly believe it is God who has kept me sober and I have to remind myself that. I gave him the problem and here I sit, nearly 4 years after the the WORST DAY of my life, sober, writing about how I may or may not be a true alcoholic. I know how a lot of people answer that. But it's not their place. I'm not asking for opinions on the subject. I have a pet peeve where people voice their opinions on my life and what they think is best for me and think they know me better than I know myself. Nobody knows me better than I know myself, except God, and I know myself way too well. I am capable of seeing the bad and the good. I am pretty clear about the kind of person I am, even when it seems I am questioning and unsure of who I am. That isn't the case. I ask questions of myself about myself and that is when I am able to get honest with myself. Judgmental people who like to tell others what is wrong with them and how to live ought to try it. It is quite eye opening, but it takes some serious guts to focus on your own issues rather than someone else's. I know that there will be people who are judging me right now and assume I am in "relapse mode." I know all the lingo. I assure you, that is not the case.

There have actually been a couple times when it was implied that because I was expressing anger, in a healthy way, mind you, that I was in relapse mode. It's just easier to blow someone's anger off as "she's an alcoholic and wants a drink" rather than "she's a person with feelings and she is expressing her feeling now instead of having a drink." That happens to me all the time. I get pissed off at my sister who stabbed me in the back, figuratively, and I vented on FB and my blog, like everyone does and I am accused of being in relapse mode by someone who claims to be sober 26 years but lives on pain med's and act like an addict. (This was quite a while back.) I'm just sayin'. Focus on your own damn problems and stop trying to "shrink" me. If you aren't a psychiatrist and are not in my life, I have no reason to hear you. I know that sounds a lot like judgement and I am guilty. I don't like hypocrites in recovery. Be honest. That is what I am doing now.

I imagine these are questions people in recovery ask themselves from time to time. I know how I feel about myself and I know enough about myself to know that I can't drink. I can't try to manage it, I can't drink like a non-alcoholic, though a lot of them drink like I used to. I won't give up what I've worked for to put this problem drinker theory to the test. And the last thing I will give anyone is a chance to say "told ya so." No thank you. Remain happily sober I will. I thank God every day for the life I have now and I am grateful.

So with that all said, I probably won't be writing here on My Life Sober much anymore. (Not that I have been anyway.) I am at Transforming Serenity now, as I said. I have been a while. It is not recovery focused, because my life's focus is not recovery. It is a thought that runs through my mind almost daily and I remind myself of where I once was and where I could end up if I drink again. This doesn't work for everyone but it has been working for me. Drinking is not something that I obsess about anymore. But if I ever do find myself thinking about it or if I come up a good alcoholics related post, I will probably write it at T.S. I will try to write an occasional update to let you all know how my sober life is going. Or you can come to my new blog and read about it there. Thanks to everyone who ever read this blog. I am truly grateful and I wish you the best.

A Song Says It All - Eminem's I'm Not Afraid

2014-04-06T18:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there's a song that just hits home; it says everything (or parts of what) you are feeling at that given moment, or every time you hear it. It makes you feel great, knowing that someone out there gets it, has been through it. It's like they wrote it just for you.

I'm a music lover. Who isn't? So I just thought I would share a great one; one that I have loved since it came out years ago. Eminem's "I'm Not Afraid."

As a recovering alcoholic (I don't care for using the term recovering because I know I'm past that, but recovered doesn't work either, so I'll just go with recovering), I feel a connection to this song. Especially the entire part about being strong enough to lift the liquor counter up and raising the bar. The hole song is amazing, so here it is. At the end of this post, I'll leave a link to the lyrics, for anyone who doesn't already know them.

For the lyrics, go here.

New Blog

2014-03-31T08:06:00.001-05:00

I haven't up and abandoned My Life Sober again, believe it or not. I have been hard at work on my second blog Transforming Serenity at transformingserenity.com It is my first self hosted blog, and though I knew it would take a lot of time and work, I am surprised by how much. But I'm loving the challenge.

It's brand new-about a week old. I have so much to write about, very little time to write. Its been a challenge for sure. But I'm hoping to make something out of it. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going but I am having fun.

I will write a new post here very soon. Check out Transforming Serenity. A woman's guide to a happier, healthier, more positive life.

Commitment To This Sober Life

2014-03-13T21:07:00.001-05:00

What a year this has been. It's been pretty crazy since this time last year. My kids are living with me every other week and with their dad on the weeks in between. It is going much better since the last time I wrote about it, though there are still challenges.

My kids are great. I am so happy that they are with me. The years I spent not having them in my custody, due to my alcohol abuse, was unbearable. They are my light. My serenity. I am my happiest (and possibly most stressed:)), when I am near them. My oldest, Logan, just turned 13. I can't believe I am the mother of a teenager. I can't be that old, can I? My daughter, Kyla, is 11, my middle son, Rhyce, is 8 (almost 9), and my youngest son, Nathan, is 5. He is in booster kindergarten now. Having them back home has been an adjustment on everyone, but it has been very good. We are happy.

I celebrated 3 years of sobriety in February. It is a bittersweet time whenever my sobriety date comes around, because the day prior to it was the absolute worst date of my life. My sobriety date is not a good memory-waking up on a cold jail floor, with no memory of why the hell I was there to begin with. But I choose to think of it in a positive way instead of negative, or I'll drive myself mad. I think of it as the day the Lord truly saved me. He saved me from my worst demon. Myself.

I would say that alcohol is my worst demon but I know that alcohol was just an after effect. The real demon was what was going on inside of me that I just wanted to block out. And that is where the alcohol found it's place in my life. Or I found alcohol, however you want to word it. Either way, alcohol and I just don't mix.

After all this time, for me, alcohol is a distant thought. I don't think this is a fact for all those in recovery and I consider myself lucky...or saved. Or I'm just damned determined to have a better life and give my children the best mom they could have. I think about alcohol every single day, but not in the way people might assume I think about it. I don't think about drinking. I haven't had a real craving for alcohol since I was 7 months sober and the craving was so strong and overwhelming I am amazed I resisted. It lasted for a whole week and I fought through it hard. But, knock on wood, it hasn't come back. I am not foolish enough to convince myself that it never will. And that is how I think of alcohol daily. I remind myself of what could happen. I sometimes wonder if the feeling, the want, craving or need is just lying dormant for now, waiting until I am completely off guard and unaware and then it'll just sneak up and pounce. I know it can happen. Even the seemingly strongest old timer in AA is not immune to relapse. I have seen it myself and I keep that in mind any time I want to get all cocky about my sobriety.

I believe 100% that I was saved. I felt then and I feel now that God rescued me from whatever it was that caused me to basically give up on everything and turn towards binging on alcohol. But God didn't make this road easy on me, by any means. I did get lucky in the fact that I got back what I lost, what was most important to me. I KNOW that I was given a third chance and I KNOW that I won't get a fourth. This is it for me. No more chances and that is enough right now, today, to keep me sober. I meditate on that fact and I feel blessed. As frustrating as it is hoping that other people will notice the change that I feel inside, I know what I have done and that has to be enough. I know what my inner struggles have been and I am proud of what I have accomplished these past few years. My accomplishments are not ones that can be measured by another persons standards because the battle I have fought is from within. And unless you were right there walking through the flames of alcoholism with me, you could never understand my story of survival or the pain I caused. I am back to being myself again. My old self before alcohol. An older, heavier, sleepier version of my old self! JK. Not everyone chooses to see that, but I don't feel I owe anyone a thing, other than my kids. That is hard for some people to hear. But it's the truth.

It hasn't been all roses this past year, as I have mentioned. Since August, my marriage has been on the rocks. In my opinion, it has been on the rocks since about 5 or 6 months after we got married, but he only just realized it in August. Now all hell has broken lose upon me. I have lived an absolute nightmare for 7 months, with brief moments of reprieve. Granted, it has gotten a bit better the past month or so and the fights are few between, but I feel I am constantly on guard, defensive, waiting for that switch.

I can't even begin to explain all that has gone on in our relationship. It is so confusing and heartbreaking because I thought he was soul-mate, as cliché as that sounds. I thought he was perfect for me. I know that no relationship is perfect, but the things that have gone on are way past that. It's not what I signed up for. And I never vowed to obey anyone.
I have a lot of anger and disappointment and just plain sadness over this subject and it will come up in other posts I'm sure. I am processing it. Writing has always helped me sort through shit. It's always been an outlet and my way of expressing who I am. But I haven't been able to use writing the way I've always wanted to because I always have to be concerned that those close to me will flip out. People don't like when you publish personal stuff that might put them in a negative light and I don't blame anyone for that. I don't care what most people think to some degree, but when you live with someone, you don't want to be bitched out about everything under the sun. For being who you are and doing what you need to do.

We are working through our problems and I have a little hope still, but I have closed myself off a lot. I have been pushed to that point in every way. I'm not a quitter when it comes to relationships, I love him, but he's made things as hard on me as possible and I just don't understand him. I'm not perfect in this relationship either, but I've never tried to hurt him the way he's internationally hurt me. So now what? We'll just have to see, I guess.

Getting sober doesn't magically fix all of life's shit. If only it were that simple. You have to put in effort and do the work and sometimes it sucks. The fact that I am still sober after everything I have endured these past months should be a testament to my determination and what anyone can do if they are determined enough. You have to want it badly enough. And I won't risk my sobriety, my life or my children's for anyone or anything. Not ever again. I am completely committed to my sober life. And what's meant to be will be.

Sober Blog Changes

2014-03-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

It has been a ridiculously long time since I have written anything on this blog. I am pretty ashamed of that, but my life has been incredibly full this past year. I have made a few changes to this blog, including my URL and I am fully aware that if I have any readers left, they might not find me. Hopefully I will be forgiven, but I needed to change it up a bit. There will be more changes to come, I'm sure. Instead of creating a whole new blog, I decided to just vamp this one up a bit. Some might say that's a dumb idea, but I don't think so.

So, this post is short and sweet. This is sort of a new start to my blogging. I am going to make sure to find the time to write and to write as many quality posts as I can instead of writing something just to write and get it out there.

I know my writing style isn't for everyone. My tone and sort of dry sense of humor doesn't always translate and I sound a little bitchy, but hopefully there are people out there that still feel me and don't take everything too seriously. I am at a point in my recovery where I feel I can laugh about some of the stupid shit I did during my drinking days. You have to be able to have a sense of humor about some things or you'll just drown in your own guilt and shame over the past. However, it's not all a joke.

My writing is a work in progress. I am not a pro; I write from the heart. Sometimes I'm all over the place. I have so much I want to write and say and so little time to do it! I love writing and I do it for me, but admittedly, like any writer, I want people to read, relate somehow and enjoy it. That is my goal. I truly want to help and/or inspire others in some way. This is my way of giving back to those still struggling, those newly sober and the old timers. I don't have life all figured out and this blog shows that there are wonderfully good things in recovery and there are going to be struggles as well. That is just life. It won't always be easy, but getting through the struggles better than before is very rewarding.

I have a new post coming shortly. Til then God bless and peace out.

Just Hanging Out

2013-04-05T11:37:00.000-05:00

Long time, no write, right? Well, what can I say about life these days?

Life is good, in general. My kid's are wonderful. I am enjoying every second with them. We go walking almost every day, when the weather is nice. They love to go for walks. We walk and talk and have a nice time.

Still having issues with their step-mom completely overstepping boundaries. She thinks she is a legal guardian to my kids and she is not. She's badgering my kids about me, trying to get some kind of info, I'm not sure what she thinks she is doing. She is either really stupid or really smart. I am thinking it's the former. But if she's trying to piss me off, she is succeeding. However, I know she thinks she can provoke me into doing something stupid and that won't happen. I am smarter than that. I will not beat her ass, no matter how much she pushes and I won't start hitting the bottle either. She is wasting her time. But enough on that subject.

We are all settling in with our new life together and I couldn't be happier with it. I am so in love with each and every one of those kids. I hate sending them back to their dad's. I miss them like crazy the week they are with him.

On a positive note, their dad and I have been getting along better. How long that'll last, I don't know. We usually get along for a while, then we're at each other's throats again. But that is just too stressful, for me and the kids. They know what's going on. But it would be really nice if he and I could just get along and put the kids first and put our shit behind us. I just want to get along and co-parent. That is it. But who knows.

I am doing fantastic in sobriety. Sober and happily so. I wouldn't ever give up what I have gotten back just for a drink. It is not easy, tying to salvage your name and get people to see you in a way other than what they have heard about you. I am not interested in trying to impress people or change how they think, especially when they don't know me to begin with. I am just being who I am. I am a good person, a good mom, a sober mom, a loving mom. I try to do what is right and to be nice to people.

But I am also a little tougher than I used to be. I am not naive about things like I once was and I have seen the negative side of human nature to an extreme. I won't be pushed around. That is it. People can chose to get to know me, or listen to what they have heard about me and not give me a chance. That is fine. I am not going out of my way for people who judge based on gossip or your past. We all have a past and it is not all good. We have all done things that we wish nobody would ever find out about. My past is all public knowledge, though. It sucks.

I feel I am someone my kids can be proud of now. Sure, if people bring up stuff their mom did a long time ago, or even just a little over 2 years ago, they might be embarrassed. But they can be proud of the woman who took responsibility for her actions and took action to change. I want them to understand accountability and responsibility for their actions and choices. That is a concept not even a lot of adults seem to grasp. It sucks admitting you are wrong. Or that you need help.

Well, that is all I have got for now. I am having a mommy and Nathan day while the other kids are in school. We are going to get my vans ignition interlock re-calibrated (fun!), we just went for a walk, stopped and got him some doughnuts and then we are going to McDonald's (I hate McDonald's!), then I don't know what. Just hanging out.

Pressure

2013-01-24T11:17:00.001-06:00

I have just had the most stressful couple days. This is supposed to be a good, positive time for me and my family. But my ex and his wife refuse to let it be.

I called the dentist to get information about my son's teeth and treatment plan and how much that will cost. Well the step-mom had signed a HIPPA form prohibiting me from getting that info. Now mind you, she is not a legal guardian to my kids. I doubt is their dad signed a disclosure form. She has the same last name as my kids so nobody really questions her. She has always let people believe she is the bio-mom.

I was not happy. They had to call her and get permission. She gave her permission with the stipulation that they do not schedule any appointments with me without clearing it through her first. I was absolutely livid. I know she has no legal right to do that and I should take them to a different dentist for even listening to her. They wouldn't even accept a fax of the court papers. Something is not right there.

So then, after stewing all day, my kids came home and one of them told me they got in trouble at daycare for something he told me and Chris mentioned to their dad, I'll just refer to a M. Well, now I was really pissed. Chris asked my son if he said anything first about it, he said no.

I had to text his dad because they left some stuff at his house, and I mentioned this to him. Well, naturally, he had an attitude. So when he came over, I asked him what was going on and he wouldn't listen or discuss it or anything. He was a complete jerk, so I too became a complete jerk. I was already pissed. He doesn't know what is going on with anything. If I ask anything about the kids, he has no idea. He has to ask his wife.

So then, after he stormed off, I get a text on my husbands cell phone from M's wife, (Chris nicknamed The Spandex Queen a long time ago because that's all she used to ever wear). She was rambling some nonsense about how it's the kid's fault because they always lie and I fall for it and she has been raising them with M (yeah, right) for 4 years (it's been 3 thank you. My youngest is 4 and I had him until he was 13 months). I didn't read the whole thing. I sent back a couple texts and then M sent one saying to leave her alone, she is wonderful and basically she's a better mother than I could ever be. It's funny cause 3 days ago he was pissed off at her for lying to him about the kids and I had an e-mail from Logan's teacher saying so.

I have refrained from writing about anything personal involving the ex and his wife, but I started this blog so I would have a voice and feel heard. So I will not concern myself too much with what they think, to a certain extent. I have always respected their privacy and my kids'. That's why I haven't used their names.

A couple months ago, I found out that my 12 year old had to call the cops on him one weekend because he was so drunk, he was bashing his wife's head into their Tahoe in the garage. I guess by the time the cops arrived, M was passed out and his wife smoothed things over with the cops. Now, if that was me, I would be arrested and M would be filing a PFA against me. He and his wife are like predators waiting in the tall grass for their prey, me, to stumble and they pounce. But he gets away with his bad behavior. He always has. I don't get it.

I tried calling the babysitter last night, but she didn't answer. So I called this morning to see if I can get anywhere with her before finding a new daycare. She had an attitude big time. But I stood my ground. She seems to think I have to send my kids their. In fact she said they have to be there Mon thru Thurs so I have to figure out how to get them there. Well, that might be what her daughter told her, but I have court papers and nowhere does it say I have to send them where M chooses. It says he has to pay for it. That is it. But I know he will refuse because he thinks things don't apply to him and Chris and I are already struggling financially. That's what M is counting on. But I will do whatever I have to do to make my weeks happy and as stress free as possible. I will try to make it work, but I won't be treated like crap by anyone. And I won't have my kids treated badly by anyone. She hears their side and refuses to consider mine and I shouldn't have to deal with that with my daycare provider.

I told her I want us to get along and have a good relationship. She said that is up to me. I asked how is it up to me when she is the one having a attitude with me. I understand that she is mother of the step-mother. But I don't have to take my kids to a place where the person watching them is rude and hateful to me, who tells me what my kids have to do when they get home, making comments about me to or in front of the kids that she shouldn't. It is not right. I have to trust the daycare provider too. I just hope she doesn't start making things difficult for me, cause if it is difficult for me, the kids sense it and it is hard on them. I want to get along with her. But if we can't, just like any parent, I can choose to send them to someone I do get along with. I will give it a third shot, but that's my limit. I WILL NOT be pushed around. I can't say that enough.

These people say they only care about what is best for the kids and they have some people convinced of this, yet I hear all kinds of stuff that is going on that contradicts their claims. I am not saying my kids never exaggerate. I know they do. To a kid, something is huge, when an adult doesn't feel it is. They treat me like I am completely clueless about my kids. I raised my two oldest 3/4 of their lives and everyone acts like I don't know them. I know them very well.

I also ran a daycare for 5 years and was very successful until M and I started having problems. I was a CNA for 3 years. It might not be a 30 year career, but I do know people. After spending 3 years in and out of treatment, listening to people, and after being in jail on several occasions, especially the last time, I have gotten to know and figure people out. But that knowledge doesn't always bring me peace.

I think my husband is afraid I might get so overwhelmed and stressed about the way I feel I am being treated, that I might relapse. I think M and his wife are counting on it, probably wishing for it. They would never admit it though. But that is what happened 2 years ago. I was so stressed out and felt so out of control because of the crap my ex was pulling and the way I perceived them all treating me. I felt disrespected in every way, like I do now. M takes every opportunity to make his low blows. And when I respond like him, I'm crazy.

We can't co-parent because he refuses to hear any concern I have. He just gets defensive and starts pointing fingers. He always does, always has, always will. I can't stand feeling like my concerns and feelings are passed off as unimportant. And I wouldn't care if they weren't trying to interfere with my rights as their mother, to make decisions. I have equal rights to M now and they absolutely hate it, so they are trying so hard to keep control of things. It won't work though.

I am not worried about relapsing. Drinking hasn't entered my mind. I won't let them win again. I've been sober almost 2 years and I am going to celebrate when it gets here. It is bitter sweet though. 2 years sober and 2 years since I hurt my kids. But I want to turn that negative memory and put something positive in it's place, if possible. I know we will never forget it, but we don't have to be in gloom and doom. We can celebrate how far we have come.

I am praying without ceasing. I am praying for strength because I need it so much. I am praying for patience, because I definitely need that. But most of all, I am praying to find inner peace in the middle of this storm. Serenity. I have not behaved the way I know my God wants me to. I have let my emotions rule my life. But I don't want that because it is making me miserable.

I also am praying for M, his wife and the daycare provider. I wish them no harm. I pray for their blessings and good things and that they will find God looking down on them and feel loved. It isn't easy to pray for people who have wished me the exact opposite, but that is what Christ says to do, that is what Paul the Apostle said to do. I can live beyond my feelings, according to Joyce Meyer. But I need God's help.

I am so thankful for Chris. He has stood decide me through everything. He shows me love like nobody ever has. As I looked at M's face last night, I was so happy to have Chris beside me. I am not alone in this. I have a partner in every sense. Sometimes we get into the biggest arguments, but we always come back together and I know God sent me the person I am meant to be with. I had beautiful, perfect kids with M, but that is the only good thing that came from that "relationship". I can't think of one thing I like about him. He thinks everything is all about money. He is very quick to point out how he has money and I don't. No amount of money is worth being abused emotionally, mentally and physically, ever again. I finally know someone who respects me, even after everything I did 2 years ago. He is amazing. He has really stepped it up the past week. He was always wonderful, but I am even more impressed. He has shown me I can depend on him to have my back and that is something I have never had.

The Lord has been good to me. He gave me back the one thing I really wanted-my kids. I didn't think it would happen, yet here we are. So how can these people take the blessing God gave me and make it a nightmare. I guess they can't unless I let them. But I don't know how to be calm and assertive. I just keep quiet until things build and build ad I am so pissed off I go off. Except when it comes to Chris, I just say it. I have my life back. Nobody can take it from me again. Last time, I basically handed it back when they put too much pressure on me.

That's what I feel. Pressure. Like I have all these people on my back and I can't stand much longer. So please pray for me. I have to give the situation over to God. He is good and I know He won't let me fall. Because I could NOT take it. I wouldn't survive it again. I just want to get along with the other half of my kids' lives. Thank you, friends.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/stuckincustoms/4908748535/">Stuck in Customs</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

Weekend With the Kids

2013-01-21T10:13:00.004-06:00

This weekend with my kids has been so nice. It is just as it should be. I have been incredibly stressed out and frustrated because of how certain people are trying to dictate how I run my household with my children; in fact I just wrote a whole post about it, but am debating when to publish it. I just know I can't let people control my life. They don't have any say at all. When it is my week of custody, I am in charge. That is something they need to get used to, and some people have a really hard time letting go of control. They have unhappy lives because of their need to control people, and you can't live your life trying to control or change other people to suit your needs or wants.

I really wish I could be home with the kids, taking care of them like I used to. I miss it a lot. That would be my biggest wish, that I could be home with them and not have to leave them with anyone else. Then on the weeks when they are with their dad, I could focus on my writing, my book. That would make me truly happy.

I used to be a stay at home mom and a day-care provider. At first, I loved being home with them, I loved running my daycare business, but then I let the kids' dad come back home after a year and a half break up. I went downhill from there.

But if I could afford to stay home with them now, I would. I would love it. The difference now is, I have a man who doesn't run around and leave me alone ALL the time. Chris might make me so mad sometimes, but he is here and he at least tries to help me as much as he can. I am very blessed for that.

Maybe one day we'll be in a place where I can do what I believe I supposed to be doing. That is up to God.

The kids have had a great weekend. They don't even want to go back. I just worry about them getting in trouble at their dads or daycare for something they do at my house. It is stressful on them and on me, because my kids shouldn't have to worry about getting in trouble at the other parents house for what goes on in the other house. It is completely ridiculous! I don't get that logic. I am home with them today, but tomorrow, it's back to work and off to school. Hope it all goes well.

It's Time

2013-01-18T10:28:00.000-06:00

Well, tonight is my first official night of shared custody and my kids get to live with me every other week. While I am very excited, it has been pretty stressful preparing. I am not even completely ready either. I have to go to the school today and fill out bus cards, something I didn't know I had to do. I also have to make keys, get a land line installed hooked up sometime today and get a tire fixed. Oh yeah, and my house is a mess.

I am trying not to stress out too much, because this is the moment I have been waiting for for almost 2 years now. It will take a while to get in a routine. The kids are used to being able to wake up later during the week and they get dropped off at school by their dad, but with me, they have to get up at 5am and go to daycare (my oldest kids are not going to be happy about that) and walk to a school and ride the bus. I hate that I have to be to work at 6am. I wish I could just be home and take care of them like I used to, before I started drinking.

I am getting myself all stressed out. I know I need to relax. Things are going to be fine. I am happy and my kids are happy. Though, I'm not sure how happy they'll be when I start waking them up super early!

I just want to enjoy this time in my life now. I want to enjoy being with my kids and not let anyone or anything get me down.

New Beginnings and Second Chances

2013-01-13T12:56:00.000-06:00

Shared custody of my kids starts 1-18-13. I am so happy! They will be back with me every other week. It has been 2 years since they have lived with me and that was only a few months. It was a year before that. It's been since Sept. 2009 since I had full custody of my kids. They are happy and excited, too.

I admit I am a little stressed. Most of that stress is because my ex still wants to control everything I do and my kids do when he has no say what goes on when it's my week. He thinks because he pays for most of the daycare and school that that means he is in charge. It won't be that way and he and I are going to butt heads, unless he backs off. I won't put up with his crap any more. Things won't be like they were last time.

My kids are my first priority, despite what their dad thinks and says. His wife and her mom are already running their mouths in front of the kids about stuff. The kids tell me all the time that they are saying bad things about me. I know I can't let it get to me. I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me, but they don't need to express their opinions in front of my kids. It makes the kids feel bad when someone is saying mean things about their mom. They should be thinking of the best interest of the kids and not getting at me.

It might take a little time for us to get in a routine. But I know it will work out. If I can just stay calm with the ex and not let him push my buttons, it'll be fine.

I am just so ready for them to be home. I've been waiting for this moment a long time. It is finally here.

I am coming up on 2 years of sobriety. That feels amazing. Even though I am stressed, I am sober and I believe fully that I will stay sober.

I ran into my old counselor from treatment last weekend. She helped me through a very rough time in my life. She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had been through addiction before, so she knew what it was like. She said it like it was, but was caring also. She told me she had postpartum depression and relapsed. I felt really bad for her.

I know how postpartum depression can be. It is hard. I had it, worse with each child. After my third baby, it was the worst. I felt like I was literally going crazy. But hearing her just reminded me that no alcoholic or addict is incapable of relapsing. Even the person who seems the strongest in their recovery can still relapse. We all have our struggles in life and we all have another relapse in us. But we don't all have another recovery in us. I know I don't. It's prison or death for me. I do stupid shit when I drink and every relapse is worse than it was before I quit.

I believe my old counselor will be okay. I hope. It sucks seeing someone you look up to stumble or fall, but it happens to the best of us. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Nobody is perfect and I think it would be nice to see more compassion from people. Some people think they are perfect and like to point out other peoples faults. They forget that not too long ago they made a mistake or did something they wish they didn't do. Maybe it wasn't as big a mistake as the ones I've made or someone else, but they've messed up non the less.

So lets try showing some compassion to others today. You never know who you'll come into contact with that might really need it and how you could positively impact a persons life. Don't judge a book by it's cover and don't judge a person because you heard something about them. Give them a chance and get to know them for yourself. That is what I am going to work on. I will attempt not to judge those who judge me. I will attempt to give them a chance to get to know me and show them why not everything they have heard is the truth.

Until next time, have a wonderful week.

He Gives Me Strength

2012-12-19T22:33:00.000-06:00

Work is pretty scary lately. I, and a couple others, have been laid off for the next couple of weeks. We've been on lay off for like a couple months now; only working a couple days a week. It couldn't have come at a worse time. Of course, there is Christmas, then there are the bills and just getting my kids back home.

These are scary times, for sure. So I have gone on the internet to look for jobs openings and it is pretty pathetic. I am not qualified to do much these days. Any writing jobs want a couple years of writing experience, and while I have been writing my whole life, practically, I don't have "professional" experience. I am writing for a couple different sites, but it is more for experience than money. While it is possible to make money on these sites, I imagine it is difficult and not enough to live off. My writing style much more personal and when I write for these sites, it feels almost robotic. Who wants to read the work of a robot?

I started a fiction novel a couple months ago, but put it on hold, as my creativity seems to run out on me. I believe some of what I was writing was not what God wanted me to write. So I need to do some editing. The idea is good; I just need to clean it up some.

It is becoming more apparent to me that God has a purpose for my skill. Chris calls it a gift. God has given every person a gift, and I do feel writing is the gift He has given me. I can translate my feelings in my writing. My skills aren't perfect and there is always room to improve. I am working on that. But I have felt God working through other people to convince me to write my story. Several people have come up to me at various times and said that I should really commit to writing a book. At the time, I was having an inner conflict about it. God is telling me to do something and I am saying I will later.

I have felt God pushing me to really start writing more and to write what I love. I have prayed to Him saying that if it is His will for me to focus on writing and to start my memoir; to give me the time to devote myself to it. Maybe that is what this layoff is. I also asked for the means, the finances, to help support my family so I can stay home and write and take care of my kids. I don't know how that will come about, but I have to trust the Good Lord to provide for me and my family.

I admit, I have been incredibly stressed out about lack of money. That is actually an understatement. I've been terrified. But I truly feel that God is calling on me to trust Him. He never gives us more than we can handle, right? If I can get through a nasty battle with alcoholism, surely I can do anything. "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." That has become my mantra; I say it to myself over and over.

It is strange how you can just know that God is working in your life, even when things are not going even close to the way you want them to be going. You can just feel it. "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is completely true. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." That is what comes to mind when I think of the situation. Our weakness causes us to turn to Him.

As hard as it is to understand what purpose some difficult life situations could serve, I know that there is indeed a purpose. God puts those who trust Him in the right place at the right time. I think He likes to surprise and amaze us. He is always looking for someone who trusts Him that He can help and bless. Well, my faith and my trust and my hope are in Him. Things tend to get worse before they get better, and I know His power is working in my weakness and He is strengthening me every step of the way. God is good.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ashleyrosex/4180539430/">ashley rose,</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

My Life This Day

2012-12-14T21:47:00.000-06:00

I want to start off saying how sad I am for the families in Connecticut. How awful. There are no words to express the emotions that come when thinking about what happened. It is scary. I have 3 children in school and soon I'll have 4. We send our kids to school expecting them to be safe and come home to us unharmed. When things like this happen, I understand why more people are homeschooling their kids. I went to a private Christian school and can't imagine something like this happening. But it can happen anywhere. It is terrifying. I am praying for the families.

On another not, my husband and I went and looked at a house last night that we love. I really want it, but my job is not good right now. I have basically been on lay-off, working only part time the past few weeks. Some of my co-workers have been on lay-off for longer. It really sucks. I don't make much to begin with, and it is Christmas time, which is the worst time of year to be out of work. It is quite stressful and frustrating. But what can ya do? I guess I should be happy I am working at all; but that doesn't pay my bills.

My husband and kids and I just started going church. I haven't been to church in about 9 years. I have had a lot of guilt about that. But I didn't want to go back to my old church because of a few people who I don't want to deal with. And as a Seventh-Day Adventist, we go to church on Saturdays, and that won't work for my family. I hate to admit it, but I am putting my kids' extra-circular activities ahead of my religion. But my kids really wanted to go to church and we found a nice little one with very nice people. I believe that God just wanted to get me back into church and fellowship with Him and other believers, and He led me to a new place.

God has been dealing with me for about 2 years about going to church and I swore that when I got my kids back, I would take them to church. It is important to me that my kids learn about God and build a relationship with Him through Christ, as I had when I was young. But I turned my back on Him, and my life went down hill from then on. I want my kids to have a good life and I believe they will have a happier life if they have a relationship with the Lord. They enjoyed themselves and were so good. They can't wait to go next time.

I have been pretty stressed out lately. Not working enough hours, being sick last week, bills piling up...But I know that I have to have faith. Maybe this is some kind of test. I have definitely felt my faith being tested for a few months, and I thought I was getting through it all pretty well, but lately, I have fallen into that old negative thinking. Well, not so much thinking as feeling. It's hard to control your feelings.

My kids will start living with me every other week the beginning of February and I am a little stressed about day-care. I'm still not sure where I stand with their day-care provider, who happens to be their step-mom's mom. She doesn't like me (and doesn't know me) and I worry about how that will go. Last time, she was so rude to me. My ex said that is just the way she is, but I don't think my kids' babysitter should be disrespectful to me. Most women don't have to deal with their ex's new mother-in-law. But I will do my best to just be nice and not let anyone get to me.

I am just putting my faith and trust in God. I know He is supplying all of our needs and everything will work out according to His Will. It is hard not to stress out when things go from bad to worse. I wonder if it is my feelings lately that causing my circumstances to get worse.

Even with all the added stress right now, I am so thankful that I have not had any desire to drink at all. I am sober and proud of myself. I am in a very good place in my sobriety, and I have my Father in Heaven to thank for that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe weekend. God bless!

Staying Sober During the Holiday's

2012-12-12T10:50:00.000-06:00

The Holiday's can be a very stressful time for year for anyone. But for the newly recovering alcoholic, stressful takes on a whole new meaning. With Holiday parties around the corner, maybe some already past, odds are, alcohol will be a staple at some of them. Now is the time when you have to know your limits.

Knowing your limits isn't as simple as it sounds. I am almost 2 years sober and while I believe I am at a point in my sobriety where I can be around a couple people having a beer or two, I know I don't want to be around an open bar and a bunch of drunk people. Even after nearly two years of being happily sober, I know it is still possible to be triggered and I won't willingly put myself in that situation. I believe I know my limits. But I know that triggers and cravings can come unexpectedly.

So what do you do? You can't easily tell your mom or your grandma that you aren't going to be at the family gathering, can you? You need to know your family. Do they get plastered by the end of the night? Do they have a couple glasses of wine or champagne?

And what about the company Christmas Party? I've been to parties that start with drinks and end in drunk. What do you do?

My opinion on that is, if you are in your first year of sobriety, it's probably best to avoid going to any party where alcohol is one of the main features and people will be getting drunk. As strong as you may think you are, it is still not a good idea to be around it. Once the idea of alcohol and drinking gets in your head, it becomes an obsession and before you know it, you are planning your next drink. Don't let it get in your head.

You might feel obligated to show up, and if that is the case, you can make a brief appearance, then have some excuse to leave. It doesn't matter what the excuse is: an early morning, an appointment the next day, gotta get home to the kids... You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you feel comfortable telling people of your struggle with alcoholism/addiction, go for it. But it can take time to become comfortable with that. While you should be proud to be sober, and most people are supportive, a lot of people are still very judgmental and you don't want to be the topic of the party's gossip.

Family is harder. I hope everyone has a supportive family, who will put your sobriety over their social drinking, not everyone does. Especially if you come from a family of alcoholics, as many people do. This is a time when you have to put your sobriety first. If you can get away with making a brief appearance, do that. But consider your family dynamics. Family can be one of the most difficult parts of sobriety. Some people drink because of their family dynamics. You have to do what is best for you, no matter how hard that might be.

Do NOT let anyone pressure you to have "just one" drink. Remember that "just one" will turn into five or ten. And if you are strong enough to drink only one, you will most likely start to think you can "control it." You can't. You're an alcoholic. You can't drink like normal people, no matter how much you wish you could. If it has destroyed your life before, it will destroy your life again. I know what will happen if I pick up again. I will end up in prison or dead. Those are the only two options left for me. And being around people partying and being around an open bar or any kind of bar, is not worth it. You and I are getting our lives back in order, earning back the things and people we lost due to our addiction; don't lose it all again in one night.

While it might not be the easiest or best advise, it's all I've got. I am blessed to be part of a non-drinking, supportive family and my job does not have Christmas parties, so I'm good. But I know this is rare.

Think hard about what your limits are and be honest with yourself (and your loved ones who you trust) about what you can handle.

Christmas isn't about partying anyway. Without getting religious, it's about love and family and togetherness. I wish everyone the best! Happy Sober Holiday's!

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Good On the Home Front

2012-12-04T15:04:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow is my first born's 12th birthday. Where does the time go? And the day after that I'll have 22 months of sobriety. Yes, I count each and every month as a month to be celebrated.

Things are going very well on the home front. My kids are coming over every Wednesday and every other weekend. Soon, they will be with me ever other week. They come over and the first thing my 4 year old says is, "can I sleep at your house now?" They never want to leave and it breaks my heart to send them back to their dad's . Especially when I find out the insane shit that is going on over there. The kids are still witnessing way too much drunkenness and violence over there. They have been through enough. Their dad is the definition of a hypocrite! But that's another story.

I have been sick for the past few days, so I thought I would write a line or two about how things are going. Other than being sick, things are good. I have my kids back, I have great family, a job, a place to live. I am growing spiritually and in my relationship with God. My kids are asking to go to church, which makes me happy. We are starting over and I am in a place in my life where I can guide them-with God's help.

I think I am finally motivated to get on a fitness regimen. I am ready to lose this weight and get fit. I have been saying that, but it is time. I am gaining way too much, way too quick. I want my body and my life back.

I am happy now. That is all I ever wanted. I thank God every day for the many blessings He's given me. He has been very good to me, that is for sure.

A Little Kindness and Gratitude Goes a Long Way

2012-11-09T10:58:00.003-06:00

Politics brings out the worst in a lot of people. That is obvious to anyone who has a Facebook account. I generally stay out of it. I don't watch too much of the debates; just a little here and there. Enough to get a general idea about the candidates. I can't vote anyway now and I even when I could, sadly, I chose not to.

This is a Free Country and I believe in that. People have a right to express their personal views no matter what those views are. People have a right to chose their own religion. People have a right to chose their sexual orientation. Women have a right to decide what is best for their bodies and lives. I don't believe in any person who wants to take those rights away. There is plenty of stuff I don't believe is right that other people are all for. But I don't put them on blast for it.

There are going to be things about any candidate running that goes against what we want. You have to weigh the pro's and con's and decide who best supports your personal views. And when elected, that man or woman isn't going to get it right immediately. They have the previous years of someone else's mess to try to clean up. It can't be easy.

But the election is not what this post is about. It is about the way I witnessed people behave towards one another as a result of the election. I was on Facebook, looking at some of the comments people put up, just as I do several times a week, and I was disgusted. People are just plain nasty to each other. Someone said something like "thank you for voting for abortions and killing babies. Thank you for voting against religious freedom. You're all idiots..." and blah, blah, blah. There were so many of those types of comments, I couldn't believe it.

I posted a picture of Samantha Jones from Sex and the City about not believing in one party or another, just believing in parties. I wrote that I am glad Obama won and I received a condescending comment from my uncle. What got me going is the fact that everyone wants to be heard, but they don't want to listen. They matter and you don't. If you want me to hear you, then hear me!! It's called having respect and courtesy for one another. Don't quote God's word to me about how killing is wrong, when you go out and kill animals, not for food, but for the pleasure of killing a living thing!

I am personally happy with the results. And I am a Christian. I believe in the Word of God and I have been doing more studying His word over this past year more than ever before. I am trying to live my life as God wants me to live. I don't personally believe in killing anyone. But as a woman in this country, I do not believe in taking away any woman's right to chose what is best for her. People like to think the decision is black and white. It isn't. Some might believe that being Christian and being pro-choice is a contradiction. I don't think so.

I've never had an abortion. But I did have four unplanned pregnancies from the time I was 18. All my babies have the same father. But there was a time when their dad and I were broken up and I went out with some friends and got pretty drunk and took a man home who I'd met through friends but didn't know. If I had gotten pregnant after a night of stupidness, I would've had a tough decision to make. Do I have this baby when I am already a single mother of 2 small children and barely making ends meet, or do I not?

I know people say give the baby up for adoption. I'm sorry, but there are women who could not handle giving her baby away. I couldn't. Nobody knows the difficulty of a decision like that until you have had to make it yourself. As a woman and a mother who has been a single parent, who has struggled financially, I can only imagine how hard that decision would be.

I understand that there are women who struggle just to get pregnant. Those women feel like it is a slap in the face when someone who "accidentally" got pregnant, chooses to end her pregnancy. That would hurt. However, every woman has to decide for herself what is right.

This topic stirs up a lot of controversy. I try to avoid that. I don't care for controversy or conflict. But I am passionate about this subject. Some might think that being a Christian and being pro-choice, pro-gay rights is a contradiction when the Bible is pretty clear. (Although I don't recall reading about abortion specifically. Just that God knew us before we were ever concieved and so on. But I'm someone will be happy to inform me.) I don't believe it is a contradiction for me be a Christian and feel it is not my place to judge another person. It is not my place to tell them how to live. It is my place to show love and kindness despite our differences. That is where you make a difference in peoples lives.

I don't believe in people who claim to be Christians and like to quote scripture, like "God said 'Thou shalt not kill'," while forgetting that He also said, 'Judge not, lest ye be judged.' Jesus said the most important commandment is to love one another.

We don't have to share all the same opinions and feelings. We are all different and we have all had our own experiences in life that have shaped our views and opinions. We all have different perspectives on any topic and we should use those various opinions to learn and grow ourselves. We don't have to change our minds, but we can learn to value other peoples opinions rather than condemn them for not believing as we believe. It is how you present your views. Being rude, nasty, confrontational is not the way to change a persons mind or heart.

I don't believe the way to convert someone to Christianity is to hatefully quote Scripture and take only one verse to prove yourself right, when there are so many other verses in the Bible that tell you how to treat people with love and kindness.

I don't believe in hypocritical Christians. I don't want to be one of those kinds of Christians. I believe it is those Christians who turn non-believers against us Believers.

I feel like the best way to get your point across on any subject is to do it with kindness and gratitude for the other person. If nothing else, you could learn something about yourself and feel good about yourself for behaving like an adult and not a bullying child. Bullying is what I have seen on Facebook. Not from children, but from grown people.

I want to state that I am not claiming to be perfect. I have made my mistakes in expressing myself when it would have been best to keep my opinions to myself. But I learn from that and try to filter myself as best as I can. (I need to do that more with my husband; I am pretty unfiltered with him and sometimes I feel like I can sound mean.) That is not the kind of person I am striving to be. I catch myself speaking hatefully sometimes and I pray for forgiveness and the strength and wisdom to speak only what is right. It's not easy to change behaviours that have been there for so long. But I try.

Our words have power. You can see that just by looking at Facebook among other things. The words people write stir up all kinds of emotions. It can cause anger, frustration, hurt, joy. A persons words on the screen can make you laugh or make you cry or make you scream. It's unfortunate when someone posts words intending to hurt someone else.

I have challenged myself and now I challenge anyone who reads this to watch your words. Respect other people, even if you don't agree with them. Be thankful for the people in your life and treat them with the kind of love and respect you would want to be treated with. Just one word can make or break your relationship. And remember that your children are watching the way you behave towards others and they are mimicking your behaviour. The anti-bullying war begins at home.

"What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart
and this defiles a person." Matthew 15:18

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Another Daily Frustration

2012-10-25T12:39:00.000-05:00

I had the kiddo's last night. It was parent-teacher conference night and I wasn't told about the meetings until after 9:00 the night before. I expect as much from my ex. When we were in court, his one problem with my proposal was that I said his wife didn't need to attend my children's conferences. She's not their mom and he can inform her of how they went. She completely dominates the conversation and she honestly believes that she has more say and input than I should have. Me, their mother! I am almost at my limit with her and I feel she deliberately pushes me hoping I will snap so I can get into more trouble. Not gonna happen.

So they found a way to keep me from going. They deliberately scheduled those appointments on my night with my kids, knowing full well I wouldn't want to miss my time with them. He didn't even bother finding someone to watch them so I could go. Oh, well. Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to this round of meetings. I want to meet their teachers on a one on one basis, so they can get to me and vise-versa without her interfering. It's just the point that he is already pulling this kind of shit. If I did it to him, he would be pissed. I just have to hold on a while longer. He will not be happy if I start playing the game he plays all the time.

I am better than that though. I am better then both of them. I know that. They are complete hypocrites. They accuse me of doing shit that they are doing themselves. Shit that I don't do or say, that they do all the time and don't even recognise. They are so concerned about the kids' grades that they tried to put it in court papers that if they slip, custody automatically goes back to them. In other words, if my kids get a bad grade, it is my fault. Now, we will be alternating weeks with the kids. There are too many variables when it come to kids getting a bad grade. There could be any reason. What is hypocritical is that while he wanted that court ordered, my oldest son had an F. He and my daughter told me he was grounded from video games for getting an F. Now, my daughter told me she has a D in math (I was also bad in math). She said she has C's too, as well as some A's and B's. They don't even live with me yet, so who's fault is that? My ex would find a way to blame me somehow.

They are so concerned about how I take care of the kids' clothes and dress them, yet their step-mom made them wear the same clothes to my house 2 days in a row. They were filthy. I could not believe it. Well, I could, but you know. If I did that, I would be accused of being a terrible parent. They say that I used to let my kids wear clothes with holes in them and dirty (which is completely untrue to begin with; they have always had nice clothes, but boys get dirty), yet that is what they do.

I guess it comes back down to accepting what you can't change. I couldn't change my ex when we were together, he won't change now. And he married someone more psycho than I was on my drunkest, most belligerent day. It's true. So now I have double the trouble.

Oh, well. I had a great visit. But my middle son came in and looked really upset, though. He said that at day care (the daycare provider is his step-mom's mom) all the kids were playing football And they wouldn't let him. He started crying and said that his step-mom's sister told him he couldn't play and he didn't know why. He said, "I just wanted to play." It broke my heart. He's very sensitive and he whines a lot, but this was different. He was hurt. He's only 7. (And he is going to be an awesome football player!)

Last night I was laying bed thinking and wondered if that is how the parents felt after that football game where some of the kids didn't get all their plays. Now, I am not defending their behaviour in any way. I am still as appalled as ever. Their behaviour is wrong, end of story. But maybe the feeling is the same as what I felt for my son. No one wants to see their child's feelings hurt.

I kind of felt last night, as I was laying in bed and thought about it, that God was dealing with me on my judgement of those parents. Am I being hypocritical by judging them for their behaviour, which includes judging my husband and the other coaches? They are going around smearing my husbands name, yet, I have done plenty of talking, which includes my last post (and I don't regret it, I think I made my point). I just think God deals with me on these sorts of issues quite often, when I least expect it. Like with my son. It's just a thought.

I am planning on writing a post soon on forgiveness, which I am still working on. So until then...

Accepting What We Cannot Change

2012-10-18T18:52:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been involved in something where you give everything you have to it: your heart, soul, commitment, time, patience, service and more? You give everything, trying to help people, be a good role model, help somebody grow, dedicating your time, energy, care and concern to a person or situation, only to have those you are providing this service to turn on you. I have been in situations where the people I am helping or working for turn on me and treated me as less than what I deserved and I am sure most people have at some point. But what happened to my husband and his fellow coaches recently, takes the cake.

I had been thinking of writing a post on "accepting the things I cannot change" for a while and then an incident after my step-son X's game gave me the inspiration I needed.

My husband, Chris, coaches 5th grade tackle football with 3 other guys, one of whom is his best friend. Technically they now have another coach, but I still don't understand why. I smell something bad there. He's been gunning for Chris' position in my opinion. (And everything I write on this blog is my opinion and my views, not necessarily Chris' or anyone else's. Chris has no knowledge of the stuff I write until it's already been published. He'll read my novel before it's published though. Just so we're clear.) Last year, they coached 4th grade and next year they'll coach 6th.

Coach Chris and X

Every year, the "Cowboys" play at the K-State stadium. It is a big deal and is very special to the kids. My son Logan plays on one of the 6th grade teams; he's played since 4th grade. He was so excited about meeting a player on the team who is from our town and Chris knows.

My step-son's team played before Logan's. I don't know much about football, but I know those boys were playing hard against a team that stomped them last year. Our boys held them to the end and went into overtime. X got hurt pretty badly, along with two of the other coaches sons, at the end of the game. After a while X was ready to go back in, so one of the coaches sent him in. X made an awesome tackle, even though he was hurt. But we ended up getting beat by 6 points. The Cowboys were amazing.

I was sitting in the stands with my three kids waiting for Logan to go out when all of a sudden, I hear some lunatic ranting and raving. At first, I didn't know what was going on. Then, I realized this "man," I'll refer to as "Brutus the Caveman," was yelling and cussing at my husband. He was going on sarcastically about how he's so glad he drove all this way to watch his kid get only 5 plays. Chris had tried to calm him and asked to do this at practice, but the guy continued to yell and demand to deal with it right there on the field. He said that other people had a problem too.

So, Chris yelled out that if anyone has a problem they can come to him in practice. But "Brutus" wouldn't let it go. He would not back off, even after Chris had walked away and began packing up. He also had an inured child to check on.

I couldn't believe what was going down and I'm pretty sure from everyone else's reaction that they couldn't believe it either. I was seriously concerned that this guy was going to punch my husband. Chris is a tall man, around 6'3", and thin. "Brutus" is a fat man who relies on his biker/inmate appearance to intimidate people. And honestly, when a huge guy is attacking your husband, demanding to "take it out to the parking lot to handle it," you get worried. I have no doubt Chris could hold his own, but still. My children were watching this.

Let me mention something about Chris. He is a wonderful man. I have written about him in past posts. He is far from perfect and he pisses me off to no end at times, but he is truly one in a million. When I relapsed in Dec. of 2010, we hadn't even been together a year and I put him through hell, yet he stuck by me. Even after I hurt my child and ended up in jail, he stood by me. He knew that wasn't the kind of person I really am and that I would die for my kids and he forgave me and he helped me get better. We healed together and moved on with our life. How many men would stick by a woman like me? Not many that is for sure. When he loves someone or something, he is there through thick and thin. He showed me the meaning of "for better or worse" and we weren't even married at that time. He deserves respect! (As all the other coaches do to and every person.) Chris deserves an apology from "Brutus" and everyone else who badmouthed him. How can you not like him?

My kids love Chris and the kids on his team respected and liked him, until they witnessed that BS and listened to their parents degrade and disrespect him. If their parents don't respect someone and don't show respect, how can we expect a child to? Is it funny when kids are bullying another kid saying they don't like his dad and they hate him as a coach? I really don't think any kid would've made that big of deal had the parents behaved appropriately. They might have noticed that they didn't get all their plays, but I bet they would've asked at practice in a more grown up manner than their parents did and Chris would've apologized and felt terrible and so would the other coaches. Chris is not the scapegoat so I am sick of people taking advantage of his kind, relaxed, laid back, giving nature. People mistake kindness for weakness and he is not weak. He is a stand up kind of man that we are all lucky to know.

The most ridiculous part is that this guy's son did get all his plays. There were a few boys who got overlooked in the heat of the game and I know that Chris feels bad about it and so do the other coaches. They wouldn't intentionally hurt any of those kids or deliberately make them feel bad. It was an intense game and SHIT HAPPENS!! But some people aren't satisfied with that excuse. What there is no excuse for was that disgusting display in front of our town and families. "Brutus the Caveman" shamed our team, our coaches who didn't deserve it, our children who were all a witness to it, our little town and the other teams. All because of a mistake that 4 wonderful coaches made that I am sure has never happened before. It was about the rudest most disrespectful thing I have seen in a long time and I was in jail a year ago, so that says something about "Brutus'" behaviour.

Chris was so upset from then until the parent meeting a couple days later. That's where my thoughts on accepting what you can't change comes in. No matter what Chris or the other guys said, it wouldn't change a person's mind that is already made up. And some minds were set against them. You can not change other people. You can only change yourself and how you respond to people or situations. Chris responded very gracefully considering there was a crazed man in his face trying to physically and verbally attack him, in front of his kids, his friends, his step-kids and wife, and even his wife's ex. It was embarrassing for him, me and probably a lot of the people watching. Anyone who thought that was cool or funny is completely deranged.

I know that in life we all come across people like "Brutus" and his pose. We can chose to walk away. They may not give a choice, but we can rise above them. We can chose to teach our kids that that behaviour is unacceptable and you don't get to throw a fit and get rewarded for that behaviour. People always ask what is wrong with kids these days; well, there was a perfect example. We parents set the example.

Some people might say I have no room to talk. I say to those people, I am trying to teach my kids to learn from their mistakes. Part of learning is taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable for your actions. Making amends for your bad actions or words. Changing whatever character defects you are willing to see in yourself and make a conscious effort to fix them. We can only change ourselves. We can ask for forgiveness and the other party has a choice to forgive or live in anger and resentment. That is up to them and only them. But we don't have to take responsibility for their feelings after that. They own their feelings.

I hope my children look at me and can say with certainty that people can change themselves if they are willing.

"Brutus" didn't even show up at the meeting. Instead he sent his girlfriend and a letter he wrote that wasn't even worth the ink or paper it was written on, or the breath it took to read it. It only showed his colors more clearly and proved he has no care or concern or regard for people who volunteer their time to his child.

All I have to say now is that dude is lucky Chris doesn't share my temper (or past temper) because it would've been on. There would've been fists and blood and cops and embarrassment and regret and shame.
Luckily, I don't play like that now. I have self control for the most part when I'm sober and taking my "crazy pills!"

For anyone who has been in a situation similar or been attacked for no reason, just remember, it isn't really about you. There is something within that person or persons. Nobody is perfect. A lot of people think they are and they fill their bucket with stones, ready to cast the first one at anyone who they feel messes up. Those are the people who need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. One day, they too might be turned on. Karma truly is a bitch; but most people don't realize it's karma and blame God or someone else. Karma has come back on me tenfold! And I have learned.

All you can do is keep your own yard clean, so to speak. You can't keep your yard clean and someone else's yard also. You worry about your mess and let them deal with theirs. Don't become a part of it. As hard as it is sometimes.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen"
Peace out!

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A New Start

2012-10-04T17:09:00.000-05:00

My kids at church on X-mas 2011

Today was the day that I have been waiting for and praying about for 20 months now. I am getting my kids back. As in, shared custody. After what seemed like a never ending battle in court and between my ex (his wife), and I, we finally came to an agreement. My kids will be so happy. I am happy.

20 months ago, I was a drunken mess. It'll be 20 months tomorrow that I had the absolute worst day of my life; probably my children's lives. I was in a black out drunk and I physically hurt one of my children. I still have no memory of it what-so-ever. But I have suffered the consequences every single day since. My kid's have also suffered. I hate to admit it, but even their dad suffered as far as seeing his kids hurting and all the attorney fees and so forth. I'll give him that. What I did caused a lot of pain to more people than just myself and my kids. But hurting them is what I am most sorry for.

I have not had a drink since that night. Not a single one; and I haven't wanted one. Only one week after about nine months sober did I start craving. But I talked it out and I didn't give in to the craving. I only have God to thank for that. He's kept me strong even in my weakness.

I have prayed every single day for this day to come. The day I would be able to bring my kids back home. Honestly, in the beginning of all this, I didn't think it would happen. I though maybe I'd get my weekends back, but not shared custody. And if their dad wanted to be an even bigger dick, he could have fought to keep full custody and I would only get weekends. So as difficult as he's been, I am grateful he didn't do that and that we went with our original agreement.

It's been rough. It's been the most stressful period of my life by far. But I made it through with the help of my husband, who stood beside me the whole way; my family and kids; and most of all, God. I remained hopeful, even when it seemed hopeless. I kept the faith when it just didn't seem possible. I believed with all my heart that God had a great plan for my life and that plan includes my kids. I prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17), and I chose to believe that my prayers would be answered. It wasn't always easy. I always had that dreadful voice in the back of my mind saying, "it'll never happen. You screwed up too bad, you don't deserve another chance." But I ignored it.

I hope anyone who is struggling, in any situation, and reads this will be inspired to do the same. Just have faith. Just do what you know is right and the next right thing is going to come. But sometimes it takes work. A lot of work and patience. I thought I was on my last leg. I really didn't know how much more I could stand, but I held on. I had a lot of wonderful support at home, at work, in places I never would've expected. I am truly grateful to everyone who was there to talk to and lean on.

I feel more humbled because of the situation. Did I act humble at all times? Probably not. I think people, myself included, mistake being humble for being weak. And I didn't want to be preyed upon for any weakness. But I surely feel humbled. I was knocked off my high horse; God allowed that. I guess I needed it.

I am happy and I am very lucky. I am so lucky to be given another chance. It's a new start for my family. I won't let anyone or anything stand in the way of me and my kids. No one. Not even myself.

Current Stresses

2012-09-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

I went to court last week and of course, nothing resolved. I have to go back. My daughter is pretty upset. She wants to come home. It's all I have been hearing from all of my kids for months. But the step-monster won't stay out of shit. It could have been done. I get along alright with the kids' dad, until she gets her ass involved. I can't for the life of me understand how another woman can honestly believe she has the right to control me and my children and that she has the right to act as their mom. They have a mom; ME! She wasn't involved in the conception of those children. Oh, well. I keep praying and I know God's Will will be done.

Other than the continual court cases that seem never ending, and of course financially struggles, things are going pretty well. I have started a fiction novel. I used to write obsessively in high school. It was pretty much all I was interested in. I've had a story in my head for years and I was finally inspired to start writing fiction again. It is a romance novel and I decided that if I was going to write it, I was going to go all the way, holding nothing back. It's been fun.

I'm still trying to lose weight. Not having much luck at all. It is so frustrating! Why can't everything just be easy?

Things have been so much better between Chris and I. Relationships take work and communication. We can both be very stubborn; I might be more stubborn than him. I guess it will always be a work in progress.

I am pretty stressed out. All the court stuff, never ending bills, Christmas and birthdays coming up...Where do you come up with the money when there just isn't any? I just pray and pray. I know God is providing and I try not to worry, but it is tough.

I can't wait for this year to be over. It is just one thing after the next. Just when everything seems to be working out the way I have prayed for, something happens and I get a major set back. But I believe one day I will look back and know that I can get through anything because I got through all this shit.

I am thankful for love. The love of my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, my mom and the rest of my family. And most of all, God's love and forgiveness.

'Til next time.

Getting Better

2012-09-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

Well, how things change in just a week. I think Chris and I are getting back on track.We've done a lot of talking over the past few days and I think he is more understanding of where I'm coming from and I understand him a little more. I love him so much. And he loves me, that I know.

I have my kids tonight and I am always looking forward to seeing them. They light up my life.

We went to Logan's football game last Saturday. I feel so bad for him. He's got a cast on his wrist and can't play. But he is there and is part of the team. He fills their drink bottles and runs out and gets the thing they set the football on for kick off. I don't know what it's called. He will get the cast off soon. I don't know if the doctor will let him play after that. He will have to work with his wrist. I miss seeing him play. He's pretty good.

My husband is one of the coaches of the 5th grade team. My step-son plays. He is also very good. I am very proud of all of them. I love watching them out there. The boys are good little football players and my husband looks so sexy out there coaching!!

I go to court next week I hate court, but I think it will go well. Life is on the right track.

You know, the AA Promises are true. Do the next right thing; things will get better. One step at a time, one day at a time. Life is what you make it and I choose to make mine as good as possible and work out whatever issues arise. I'm not running from anything these days. I thank God every day for my sobriety and for being there for me, pulling me through it all.

I'm Not Dead

2012-09-07T12:03:00.001-05:00

Wow, has it been forever since I've written, or what?! It feels like it. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been doing more reading lately.

I have a tendency to start something and it is great, I love it, but then the newness and fun wear off and I get bored. I love writing, don't get me wrong. I won't quit writing. I just go through phases. I know that is not really good for a blog writer to do. Just like I get bored, so do my readers and people move on to something else very quickly.

Things are going pretty well right now. Things with my kids are great and getting better, as far as custody, it seems. I am pretty happy.

My weight loss progress is going slowly, but surely. I'm only losing about a pound a week. I am very impatient. I want it NOW! I want to be thin again. Changing anti-depressants has worked wonders though. I would still be gaining if I hadn't switched. While my appetite has been somewhat suppressed, and my libido has improved and I have more energy (I'm not fatigued), I'm not sure what I'm on now works as well for depression. I'm not so depressed, but I just feel sort of numb. I don't know how to explain it. I think that has something to do with my lack of interest in writing lately. But I'm more depressed when I'm fat, so it's a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Things with my husband aren't as great as they could be. He's a good man, but completely oblivious to my feelings and needs. It gets old. I am the kind of wife who lets her husband know what I need and want and expect. He listens to me and then the opposite of what I have told him. It's been this way from day one though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He makes promises and the next day it's out the window. It causes some major trust issues. Trust as far as believing what he tells me. When he says he will do something, I'm like, "yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." So I am numb. Nothing will ever change.

My mom would tell me, "if this is the worst of your problems..." I know. Compared to my relationship before, I've got it pretty good. But sometimes I need more than "good." I would like respect. I need my feelings and needs and wishes respected. I respect his needs and feelings. I know I could do better in some areas, but I admit it. I don't pretend to be perfect. I know I'm not. That's the difference between us. He thinks he is perfect, so why change? I don't know what to do anymore. My voice is not really heard in this relationship, no matter how loud I am.

I have to do everything. He doesn't help me. So I am nervous about having my kids back here because I will have to do everything on my own and I will get so mad when I look over and he is sitting there doing nothing. That's how it was before. He says he will help me, but he doesn't even help when it is just the two of us. And when I ask him to do something around the house or whatever, he gets all mad and pouts.

No matter what, I won't get so overwhelmed that I start drinking again. I don't even think about it anymore. I have other ways of coping now. And I will NEVER do that to my kids again. I want them back home so bad, I will do anything and everything to keep them safe and healthy and happy. No matter how mad I get at Chris, I will never risk my kids again.

I have 19 months sober, baby!!

I have a lot of changes coming; good changes. I just hope things get better in the areas I've discussed.

Til next time!!