My Life Today - So Lost

My Aries Half

2012-07-12T13:16:00.002-05:00

AriesMarch 21 - April 19

Comparison with its symbol, the ram:

Aries is symbolized by the ram. The ram has come to represent male fertility, aggression, and courage. A ram's horn is part of a cornucopia, the "horn of plenty", symbolizing abundance. In history, rams were often symbols of leadership. Aries natives are said to be leaders and pioneers.

Rams butt their heads into their enemies; and Aries natives are thought to approach life "head-on".

The glyph for Aries is a straightforward one -- it depicts the ram's horns.

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and that's pretty much how those born under this sign see themselves: first. Aries are the leaders of the pack, first in line to get things going. Whether or not everything gets done is another question altogether, for an Aries prefers to initiate rather than to complete. Do you have a project needing a kick-start? Call an Aries, by all means. The leadership displayed by Aries is most impressive, so don't be surprised if they can rally the troops against seemingly insurmountable odds -- they have that kind of personal magnetism. An Aries won't shy away from new ground, either. Those born under this sign are often called the pioneers of the zodiac, and it's their fearless trek into the unknown that often wins the day. Aries is a bundle of energy and dynamism, kind of like a Pied Piper, leading people along with its charm and charisma. The dawning of a new day -- and all of its possibilities -- is pure bliss to an Aries.
The symbol of Aries is the Ram, and that's both good and bad news. Impulsive Aries might be tempted to ram their ideas down everyone's throats without even bothering to ask if they want to know. It's these times when you may wish Aries' symbol were a more subdued creature, more lamb than ram perhaps. You're not likely to convince the Ram to soften up; these folks are blunt and to the point. Along with those qualities comes the sheer force of the Aries nature, a force that can actually accomplish a great deal. Much of Aries' drive to compete and to win comes from its Cardinal Quality. Cardinal Signs love to get things going, and Aries exemplifies this even better than Cancer, Libra or Capricorn.
Aries is ruled by Mars. Taking a peek at Roman mythology, we find that Mars was the God of War. Our man Mars was unafraid to do battle, and much the same can be said for Aries. These folks are bold, aggressive and courageous. They can summon up the inner strength required to take on most anyone, and they'll probably win. Aries do not lack energy or vitality, and they can stay in the game longer than most anyone else. Now that's a winning edge. Rams are also, for the most part, independent and well aware of their own interests in a given situation. This sometimes myopic view may not be for everyone, but it does help Aries get things going. Further, their competitive natures ensure that they will play the game with zeal and vigor. At times, their approach may be construed as arrogant and domineering, but it takes a lot of focus to be a leader (or so an Aries would say). Sadly, Aries won't usually be around for the final victory (defeat? never). These folks will more than likely have bolted to the next project before the first one is done.
The element associated with Aries is Fire. Think action, enthusiasm and a burning desire to play the game. Aries love physicality, so they won't sit on the sidelines for long, if at all. They'll jump into the fray full force and will contribute much in the process. Talk about eager beavers! Sure, some of their decisions may later prove to have been hasty, but you'll never find an Aries who regretted taking a shot.
Making things happen is what it's all about to these folks. Aries are also unafraid of stepping onto new terrain. The challenge inherent in taking on the unknown is heaven on Earth for Rams. Sure, they may appear arrogant when they take on the world, but they'll be quick to tell you it's the only way to go. While a common Aries refrain might well be 'me first,' there's no point in arguing with them since, in their minds, they are first. Is this unbridled ego? Maybe, but that might be what it takes to blaze a new trail. Oh, and on the subject of arguing, it's the Ram who will have the last word, so save your breath.
Aries plays as hard as they work. These folks are happiest in a spirited soccer match or engaging in the martial arts. In the game of love, the Ram's ardor is unquestioned, although Aries can also be playful and romantic with their mate. With Aries ruling the head, face and brain, those born under this sign need to be on the lookout for headaches and are well-served to take the occasional deep breath. The Ram's color is bright red, a sure sign of the fire that breathes within.

The great strength of the Aries-born is in their initiative, courage and determination. These folks love to get things going and are fearless along the way. Their dynamism and competitive spirit add considerably to any of their endeavors.

Aries Strength
- Independent
- Generous
- Optimistic
- Enthusiastic
- Courageous

Aries Weakness

- Moody
- Short tempered
- Self-involved
- Impulsive
- Impatient

http://www.cafeastrology.com/zodiacaries.html
http://www.astrology.com/aries-sun-sign-zodiac-signs/2-d-d-66918

My Pisces Half

2012-07-12T13:07:00.001-05:00

Pisces - The Fish
(February 19 - March 20)

Born under the sign of Pisces, you are happiest when helping others solve their problems.

You remain affectionate and understanding, even when someone has hurt you.

You are always willing to forgive and forget.

Your sincerity and thoughtfulness identify you as a true and devoted friend.

Pisces the Last sign of the Zodiac. Ruled by Neptune and a water sign represented by the two fish chasing each other.

Exceptionally empathetic, they primarily illustrate a gentle, composed tranquil nature, nevertheless has a deep craving of inspiration. Pisces can be intensely affected by and completely emerged into their entourage.

Pisces harmonize well to their surroundings and situations, both good and bad. They are thoughtful, tolerant, amiable, positive temperate serene people with a deep sense of kindness and compassion. Pisces are nobly versified in to everything surrounding them, not excluding, the feelings of others.

Pisces are socially favored because of their sweet good-natured way of being. They have a devilish sense of perceiving what a person wants or needs, and delivering it. Pisces are impulsive but prefer not to respond until the situation reveals itself.
Pisces are the "average Joe" type of people. They are unrealistic, dreamy, Utopian type of characters and for every day run of the mill living. Pisces are sensitive and intuitive rather than scholastic or habitual.Pisces in the right circumstances can result in the most exceptional accomplishments. Pisces completely and wholly engage in a chosen path, to the exclusion of everything else. This obsessive compulsive eagerness that on occasion can be good but at other times very bad. Pisces can be workaholics, or any other addicts for that matter due to that addictive personality trait they possess.

Pisces excel in situations where they can leverage their imaginative and intuitive nature. They are exceptionally gifted artistically. Pisces are often intensely interested and skilled at a wide variety of things and tend to learn by absorption as opposed to logic. Pisces are loyal, family oriented, kind and giving. They are receptive to new ideas and circumstances. Pisces have an uncanny ability to nurture and support which is directly related to their powerful intuition.Pisces make profound artists of all types because they possess great, vivid imaginations. That powerful creativity is often expressed in music, literature, drama and art. Pisces love style, luxury and pleasure, and are always ready for new adventures. When Pisces travel, they enjoy unique, exotic, luxurious places as well as modest, indigenous settings where like to live as the locals do.Main positive personality traits: Uncommon ability to instinctively respond to given situations; compassionate; understanding; artistic, sacrificing.

Negative Pisces Personality Traits

Pisces are often scatterbrains. They don't do well in highly structured or regimented situations and generally buck convention. Pisces can be so emotional, needy and intense that they can end up being a real drag to people around them.

In the workforce, Pisces can be unreliable, unmotivated, easily distracted, and have their heads in the clouds all the time. The not so nice side of Pisces manifests as being a gossip, indiscreet, and gullible.
Pisces are easily lied to because they so want to believe. No matter how often they are led astray by empty promises, they keep the faith and push on toward their personal ideal. Their dreamy and impractical natures can be a source of distress to those close to them. Being both optimistic and cynical, Pisces find it difficult to make up their minds on any issue.Main negative personality traits: Lazy, impractical, unrealistic, fearful, emotionally restrained, melancholy.

http://www.thepiscessign.com/all-about-pisces/

Memorial for Brent and Steve (Manifest Destiny).wmv

2012-05-02T16:47:00.001-05:00

April 16, 2012 Chloes goodbye 2 bolt

2012-04-18T14:30:00.001-05:00

April 16, 2012 Chloes goodbye 2 bolt

Death Again

2012-03-15T02:10:00.000-05:00

Debbie Lynn Swisher

Debbie Swisher was my half sister. Well until this year anyway. Debbie was a great person.
Debbie and I have the same should I dare say the truth, "sperm donor". We shared before either
of us ever married the same last name but different mothers. I will not say anything bad about
Janice Hunt, Debbie's mother, because for what I knew of her there is nothing bad to say. Sure, I could say that she is a bad person because my mother was married to "Dwight Swisher",( whom from now on, I will only refer to as "the sperm donor", because that's all he ever was or will be in my eyes) and Debbie is only 7 months younger than I and we were both full term babies., But was it her fault? I can't honestly say it was. They (My Mom and Janice) and I believe both ended divorced and probably for the same reason. BECAUSE "THE SPERM DONOR" is a worthless piece of crap.
Despite the way we came about, Debbie is my sister. I have always claimed her to be since I met
her and both of us found out, our connection. I can't say she felt the same way. At first, yes she did and we were ecstatic that we were sisters. Things changed later on though. I believe it was all when her mom Janice passed away. That devastating event changed Debbie forever. She loved her so much and was so young but Jasper, even younger.
Jasper is Debbie's brother and my half brother. I went to the funeral to be with them on this horrible day of their life and it was the last time I ever spoke to my sister.

Jasper and Debbie's mother, "Janice" had remarried. He was a very nice man. I attended that wedding. The last conversation I remember having with Debbie was that their step dad * Brace, (he is still living so I will not reveal his entire name) wanted to adopt Jasper. Debbie really didn't approve. Not that she didn't like him but because she felt it was taking away Jasper's last name and true identity. I did not feel the same way. I thought it would be great for Jasper, for he was so young and needed a "DAD", in his life not just a "SPERM DONOR", and Mr. Brace was good to Jasper and as far as I could tell Jasper was happy about it.

Well now here we are at 40. Debbie is now dead. She lost her battle with cancer. A battle I had know idea she was fighting. I would have fought with her. I looked for her many years and even met Jasper again a few years ago. He has a son and doing great. I guess Debbie didn't want me to contact her because Jasper had my info and she never did.
Debbie I want you to know I love you so much and you will always remain in my heart. I so wish we could have rekindled once was a close relationship. RIP

FOR SALE

2011-11-29T01:09:00.001-06:00

If I did not know better I would swear that the poem "FOR SALE" in the book.
"Where The Sidewalk Ends?" by Shel Silverstein, was written about me. I remember after
hearing that poem for the first time, I thought to myself, "Did this man see me selling my sister or something?" I used to sale, trade, giveaway Kathy (my younger sister)on a daily basis. It was just one of those things that was gonna happen everyday until she did not get returned.
Yes, I said returned. I know now, she is a person and not merchandise but at 3, she was merely no different than an old falling apart baby doll, a broken barbie, a deck of cards with 1/3 of them missing and perhaps even a bad dream that occurred every night.
I was stuck in my own Labyrinth. Every door opened to the same room, every corner I took was the same corner and every piece of matter that showed up ended up right back where it started. "IT DROVE ME ABSOLUTELY TO THE BRINK OF INSANITY"

FOR SALE
By: Shel Silverstein

One sister for sale!
One sister for sale!
One crying and spying young sister for sale!
I’m really not kidding,
So who’ll start the bidding?
Do I hear the dollar?
A nickel?
A penny?
Oh, isn’t there, isn’t there, isn’t there any
One kid that will buy this old sister for sale,
This crying and spying young sister for sale?

I know everybody that knew me thought I was either possessed by a demon or psychotic. A normal child would not think of the things that I saw in my head let alone attempt them with no remorse. The things I did to that girl sounds like it is straight out of a horror film, but is all 100% true.
How can such a young child have such thoughts? What was wrong with me? Can jealousy really drive a child as young as 3 over the edge. I might have not went off that ledge but I teetered on it for years.
Just a few examples for now of the things I did to her besides of the saling,trading and giving away of her.
- Tried to hit her in the head with a hammer when she was 2 weeks old.
- Attempted to lay her on a rocking horse and shove her down the metal stairs on the outside of our apartment.
- Filled her dads canteen that the two of them were sharing with contaminated water .
- Made her suck a dogs teats by hitting her with a stick until she complied then I remember telling her " You are so gross!" , "Somebody would have to kill me before I would do that", " You probably liked it" and proceeded to tell the whole elementary school that she did it.
- I hung all her baby dolls and barbies (after beheading them) from the ceiling and poured Ketchup on them and told her "I killed all your babies!, go ahead go to sleep, I will get you too"
- I went outside to this giant iron pot that was cemented in the ground that my grandma had been using to put flowers in, dug out all the dirt and flowers, filled it with water, built a fire under it and put her in it and as I stirred with a big stick and whacked her in the head everytime she tried to escape, I sang " I am making Kathy Stew". Which by the way I clearly remember watching "Bugs bunny" where Elmer Fudd was making "Rabbit Stew".

- I fed her "CONTACT" PILLS and told her they were candy until they had to pump her stomach.
- I chased her to the bathroom with a butcher knife and stabbed the door about a hundred times daring her to come out.
- I would make her watch me throw her toys down the well while telling her, " Your Next"
- I would make mud pies and put rocks in them and make her eat them. Rocks and all. If she said she didn't like them. I would scream at her "Don't you like my Cooking" "Eat it or I will beat you up and force you to eat it."

DO YOU GET THE IDEA YET? AND ALL OF THIS BEFORE I WAS 10. Can you imagine 7 years of that kind of torch-er? Why didn't she tell? Get help? I dared her, I would tell her " I would beat her even worse and even kill her" I had that girl terrified of her own shadow. Now you ask, "Where were your parents?". That answer is simple, Work! We lived in the country miles from any paved roads. There were 5 of us. Couldn't afford a babysitter. My older siblings watched us. "Yeah, Right!"
See, in the eyes of most adults I was the sweetest, prettiest little thing. Couldn't begin to think I would even dream of any of those things. Did I ever have them fooled.

My Childhood as I Remember It.

2011-07-19T03:51:00.002-05:00

I was born March 20,1971, the first day of spring 13 minutes before midnight.
My birthday is on the "Vernal Equinox, one of the only 2 days a year that day and night are equal. Furthermore, It is also the Pisces and Aries Cusp.

Pisces is water, Aries is Fire the total opposite, and the last and first sign of the Zodiac Chart. That should explain a lot about who I am. Totally Screwed up, hard headed, Dreamy, Hardworking with a bit of a procrastination. I am a person totally dedicated to what I am doing whether it be, Working, Facebook, Photography, My kids what ever I am doing at the time I give my all. The downside is I get almost obsessed and then I get bored and have to have a change.

I am very sensitive and loving yet very controlling and argumentative. Bullheaded yet tend to give up at times. Luck hasn't ever been a factor in my life. Hard-work and dedication hasn't really benefited me either. Doesn't seem to matter what I do all the roads always end up in
the same exhausting place, HERE!

Here? What is "HERE", is it a place? state of mind? a fantasy? a punishment? prison of my own doing? I am still not sure myself! I don't really remember much before the age of 3. That's when I think my environment started to form me into who I am today. Age 3, the year my little sister was born, the year I discovered jealousy, loneliness ,fear, and desertion. I know when you are going to be a big sister it is supposed to be a happy time in your life. For me...... not so much. Don't get me wrong, today things are different, but at age 3 the absolute worse thing that could happen, especially when you are already the fourth child. Already, fighting for a place in the family, already fighting for attention, a battle I so wanted to win.

Death

2010-07-27T14:15:00.011-05:00

Today is the day my dad died 3 years ago! July 27th ,2007! It is a very sad day for my family especially my mother! I am really just numb today!

Claude Adam Little was my Dad, maybe not my biological father but my true dad. Even though I was an adult when he married my mom, he is the only man that has ever been in my life that deserves that title, the one that makes him my Dad. In 2005, he was diagnosed with small cell cancer. Claude fought and was sure he was gonna recover until the doctors told him he was in his last stage of cancer and there was nothing else they could do. I wonder at times if he would have been with us longer if those words were never spoken to him. (Just a thought) I called him Pa reminded me of "Little house on the Prairie", but it was that perfect. We were so much alike and strangers would always assume he was my father, said we looked alike. We would just look at each other and give a soft smile. My dad and I were both left handed, (I am the only kid out of 5 that is a lefty) we both had 2 left feet, we both loved Ice cream and banana's. We even both put green olives on our cottage cheese!
Pa had the kindest eyes, he was a humble but proud man. I could count on him for everything a hug when I was in tears, encouragement, an ass chewing when I was majorly fucking up, but also let me make my own mistakes and didn't interfere until It was necessary. We would talk and he would give me his take on things but never pushed me into changing my mind, just swaying me a little. I love him very very much and he is the Papa to my children, and my grandchildren. I miss him tremendously and so does my entire immediate family.