I fight fear daily.

I have tried so many times to explain my panic attacks to various people.

Doctors. Family. Friends.

I try to make them see that my life is great. That I am not upset about anything. That there is nothing that I can really do to control it.

My attacks are mainly physical. I basically just let me head run away with little symptoms.

That little ache in my left calf? BLOOD CLOT.

The headache behind my right eye? TUMOR.

Swollen lymph node even though I was just sick? LYMPHOMA.

I don’t run to the doctor with all my little issues, I know deep down that they are crap. But in my head, for a few minutes…they are out of control.

I do try and avoid certain situations. I haven’t been on a plane since 2004, three months before my first panic attack. I am not scared of the plane crashing. I am not scared of the people. I am terrified of having a panic attack in public. Of not being able to leave if I wanted to. Of maybe, just maybe…actually having a heart attack, or a pulmonary embolism or any other host of issues that could occur. Of no one being there that could help me.

One of the main reasons I looked for jobs at the hospital? There is an emergency room right downstairs, with plenty of people around who are trained to HELP me if I need it. It’s so ridiculous.

When I go to a new place, I usually find where the nearest hospital is…just in case.  Being in NYC this past August was incredibly difficult for me. I was there with no car, with no security net. Without my husband, without my rock. I got through it, but really only because I COULDN’T leave. I think I would have gone home if I could. Main reason I didn’t have a car? I was too scared to make the drive home alone.

I fight with this every single day. It is exhausting. I’m so tired of it.

Jimmy was a birth control baby.

I was religiously taking Y*z when he was conceived. Every morning. At 10am. I had a 9 month old at the time, and NO intention of getting pregnant for at least another year.

Sigh. Doncha love how things work out?

After Jimmy was born, I had to think long and hard about what kind of preventive measures I wanted to take. Condoms are always an option…but a drag. What’s the point of being all married and monogamous and stuff if you still have to suit up? Silly.

I decided to do with an IUD. Not the Mir*ena, which I had heard caused some weight gain (HELL NO), but the non hormonal copper IUD that could stay in for up until 10 years. My insurance would cover it in full (HELL YES) so why not? I dutifully did my research and off to my 6 week postpartum appointment I went to check on my 2 stitches and have that little T shaped baby preventer inserted.

Insertion didn’t suck, but I wouldn’t say it was better than eating Rocky Road ice cream either. After almost 30 hours of labor 6 weeks earlier it was a walk in the park.

My periods got heavier, crampier and longer. Suck, but they had been super easy and light to start with, so I sort of assumed they were just normalnow. Then about 14 months after insertion sex started to hurt. Like HURT. I started bleeding almost every time we had sex. My cramps during my cycle were horrendous. My thighs would ache and all the joints in my legs would scream during my period. The week before my period I developed contact dermatitis on my lips. Super unfreakingcomfortable.

Finally I got fed up and I went to my OBGYN this last Monday. He removed my IUD and started me back on the pill. He told me that I was showing signs of a copper allergy (WORST LUCK EVER? THIS GIRL) He told me that my anatomy is just not great for an IUD, something about the way I am shaped and yada yada yada…at that point all I could think was :

OHMAHGODICANTGOONTHEPILLIAMGOINGTOGETPREGNANTANDIJUSTCANTHANDLETHISSHIZZ.

My internal dialogue was not in a good place.

So I am on the pill now.

I am scared shitless.

I want another baby…but not anything soon.

Wish me mother loving luck. Imma need it.

For realz.

It was 2:35pm and  I was rushing around trying to tell the sitter what to make for dinner, who had pooped, who was cranky, where Chase’s beloved “Taggy” was, what time Jimmy should be getting up from his nap and all of those wonderful things. I grabbed my keys, slung my WAY too heavy work tote over my shoulder and was on my way out the door.

I pulled my phone out of my scrub pocket for a quick time check.

I had a missed call. From work. Dun Dun Dun.

Getting a call from the hospital 30 minutes before your shift can only mean one thing.

Hurry the hell up and get back to them before they give on call to someone else!

I called in and YEP. I got on call for the shift. Greatest thing ever on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. So I packed the boys up and we went and spent the afternoon with their old sitter, who just had a baby 7 days ago. (Mah ovaries are on FIRE) I snuggled him and cooed and butt patted and nuzzled and FELL IN LOVE.

It was wonderful to spend some time with her, she has been one of my closest friends since 10th grade when I moved to this god forsaken place. She also hasn’t been getting the help she needs with a newborn and a 2.5yr old and I was happy to be able to go help her out a bit. Her son and the boys were so happy to see each other and Chase was thrilled to see HER. He LOBES his Aunt Jenny.

On our way home we stopped by Chick-fil-A and went in to eat. It was the first time I really took the two of them into a restaurant by myself and they did great. Granted there were chicken nuggets involved…but still.

I sat there with my baby boys and was SO thankful that I had gotten that unexpected afternoon with them. With school starting for me tomorrow and for Chase on the 13th, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

For a job that would have been PERFECT for me. An exact fit.

It was a drop in hours…but we could have afforded it.

It would have been worth it.

She offered it to me.

I couldn’t take it.

Why? Why not take the perfect job? The one I have been waiting for?

The position wasn’t benefited. I needed ONE more shift every two weeks to be in a benefited position.

I carry the insurance for my family, my husband’s job doesn’t offer it.

I passed on the perfect job.

I’m heartbroken…but we have insurance and are healthy.

Eventually, I will get my perfect job.

This year is proving to be worse than most.

There are SO many changes happening here, peeps. I’m trying really hard to wade my way through and keep my head above water but HOLY CANNOLI can I get some peace?

I start classes back up in about 2 weeks (BOOO). I like school. Really. I do. I’m just already exhausted and the idea of adding 3 classes to my plate does NOT sound appealing. Nor does taking a chance of screwing up the 3.89 GPA I have managed to keep. I will be teh angry if I mess that up.

Chase starts preschool *SOB* the second week of September. I’M NOT READY. He, however, is all sorts of ready to get out of this house and away from his baby brother and will be fine. He is also pretty much potty trained. I find that to be fantastic. Even more so that my lovely mother in law basically took care of that while I was away. Word.

We will 99% be moving in November. Phooey. I love this place, but the 8-ball says we need to suck it up and live somewhere cheaper until I am finished school. So, once again…moving right before Christmas. Wonderful.

Then there is the thing of which I cannot speak. I am gag ordered due to courts and judges and stuff…but there could be some big changes in a pretty big part of our life. We should know SOMETHING soon. So keep your fingers crossed for us, m’kay?

In a couple weeks I will submit my official petition to enter clinical in my school’s nursing program. I am done all of my pre-requisites so this is the big shebam. I would begin clinical fall of 2011. I am not super nervous about it, I really want to start Fall 2012 when Chase is in kindergarten, so we will see. I should know by January if I am in or not. Don’t hold your breath, probably not getting in.

I am working hard to make some changes in my work schedule. Let’s just say the schedule I have now is the worst thing you could possibly imagine. I am hoping to change it to something tolerable. I am currently being ignored about it. It’s making me rammy. They aren’t going to like me soon.

So yeah. A lot going on. Forgive me if I seem to be losing my mind a little bit in the next coming months. This is going to be an interesting year.

Spinning

We are out of control

So close to drowning

 Yet somehow

We dodge the dangers that threaten us

The horizon is bright

But the swim to get there is long

And hard

Sharks circle

Waiting for the smell of our blood

Waiting for the bubbles that our legs make

As we swim

As we struggle

As we race

To the brightness

The glow

The serenity

The peace

Going to NYC was hard for me. I haven’t been away much since 2005 when I was diagnosed with a severe panic disorder. I haven’t gone ANYWHERE without Jim by my side. I haven’t left the boys. Haven’t haven’t haven’t.

Well bitches. I have now.

Wednesday saw an influx of twittering, texting, squeeing women to the Hilton New York. There were hugs and tears and laughter. I sat back a bit and watched the scene. Surprisingly enough…I was more at home on the streets of the city than I was in that hotel. I’m familiar with New York and we are friends.

Thursday I hit the streets with some Canadians. I took them to Times Square so they could play tourist.

Me? I’d seen it before. I was busy.

We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch, I had forgotten how neat the stuff in that place was.

Thursday night came and onto the first round of parties I went. I got to squish on the writers of some of my favorite blogs, women who have become my friends over the course of the past year or so.

Heather!

Cindy!

I met Gavin Degraw.

Friday started the actual conference. I whirled around the morning, trying to orient myself to the chaos. Then I was invited to a beautiful moment. Thirty minutes that brought me to my knees. Even though the moment was all about Karen…I was able to witness it because I shook my fist at my own fears. It was huge. For so many reasons. This one moment brought so much peace to me for the rest of the weekend. I am so grateful I was able to be there.

If I hadn’t been there..I would have missed some of this awesomeness.

Colleen

Brittany

Scariest 5 blocks of my life.

People at work have been asking me, “What did you go to New York for”.

My response? “To hang out with 2,400 of my closet friends.”

See you in San Diego.

My sweet Jimmy. 18 months old.

Yeah. Like that.

I will admit that I do have some quirks. Most of them seem to revolve around eating, but not all. For example, I rarely take a bit OUT of anything. I prefer to cut it into pieces that I can just pop into my mouth. This goes for pretty much anything: fruit, sandwiches, pizza…whatever. I seriously destroy my food. I blame it on 3 years of braces. Anyone who has had those brackets of doom understands that biting into anything is just asking for hours of cleaning later. Jim, however, is of the opinion that I am just a little crazy.

I also LOATHE eating in public. Apparently this is an actual type of eating disorder, but I am not extreme with it. When I was little we would go out to eat as a family and I would pick and pick, barely touching my food. We would leave and as soon as we got in the car I would tear into my leftovers. They never had a chance. As I grew older and realized I had to actually cook in order to eat of home it got a little better. I am still much more likely to get take-out than I am to eat IN a restaurant…but I can do it without as much angst now.

One of Jim’s favorite things to pick on my for happens during my bedtime routine. When I finally make it to bed I always put lotion on my feet. I have super dry skin on my tootsies and it is uncomfortable to the point of  pain if I don’t lube them up. BUT…I don’t want my hands covered in lotion. So I squirt the lotion onto one foot and rub the soles of my feet together to spread it. Are you getting this visual? I’m sure it is rather entertaining to watch…but I HAVE to do it.

What little things do you do?

Cue my mother.

It is no secret that I don’t enjoy her company. I really try to get along with her, but she is just not someone I can spend time with. I wanted her to be able to spend some time with Chase on his birthday (yesterday) so we made plans for her and my Dad to come over at 11am and have lunch with us. She asked him what she should get him. I told her, “Get James, Emily, and Gordon.” Being as that a certain big name toy store was having a “buy 2 get one free” sale on Thomas engines…I figured this was the cheapest…and easiest way to go. She wrote down the names and said she would get them. I should have known it was too easy.

At noon yesterday my parent arrive at my house. My mother immediately begins complaining about the fact that Jimmy is on his way up for his nap. I attempt to calmly tell her that I had asked them to come at 11 so that they could see him before his nap. That doesn’t work, so I drop the subject, put Jimmy up for his nap and do my best to ignore her complaining.

Chase and my Dad are very happily playing on the floor, which I was SO happy to see. My Dad has been so sick recently…I wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to do that again, but he was. My Mom pulls Chase’s gifts out.

James?  Check.

Gordon and Emily? Nope.

Instead, there was a Thomas Backpack.

The same Thomas Backpack that someone else had gotten him, because I told them my Mom was getting the 3 engines. OK. no big deal. I’ll take it back.

We go about our day, and they leave. Later that evening I get a call from my mom telling me that she hadn’t realized James was part of the “buy 2 get one free” deal. I told her that I had given her those 3 names because of the deal, yada yada yada. She asks first if she can have James to take back. I tell her no, just call the store and see if she can bring the reciept in and get two more trains.

9:15 PM. My phone rings. It is a local number but I don’t know it so I don’t answer.

9:17 PM. I call the number back. It is the toy store. I hang up, confused. The only thing I can think is that maybe I was getting a call because Chase is signed up for their birthday club.

9:19 PM. My voicemal notification goes off. I listen. It is MY MOTHER. Calling from the TOY STORE phone asking what trains to get. She wants me to CALL HER BACK. At the TOY STORE. Sigh.

9:21 PM. I call the toy store, so happy that they can’t see me and don’t know me

“Thank you for calling Toy Store, how can I help you?”

“Hi, my name is Ally. My mother just called me from…”

“The Thomas lady?”

*blushes even though she can’t see me”

“Yep. That would be her.”

“Do you want me to relay a message, or drag her over?”

” You better go get her.”

Oh. My. God.

Mom gets on the phone and proceeds into a long drawn out discussion about how she doesn’t want to get Gordon because he looks too much like Thomas. She doesn’t like Emily’s smile. She really likes Hiro though. Blah blah blah. The whole time…ON THEIR PHONE.

Finally I get a word in and just tell her…GET WHATEVER YOU WANT. I DON’T CARE. She says fine. Then tells me that she is keeping them to give him for Christmas.

*HEAD DESK* *HEAD DESK*

I give up.