my life's a freak show without a tent....

Fathers and other Strangers

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 00:24:00 +0000

My life keeps providing new opportunities to vent over here. Probably a better environment to do so than on facebook, no? I think so.

Anyhow, today is father's day. I should be writing some big tribute to my dad. However, I did not have a father, not really in the sense that people who write odes to someone who exerted a great influence on their life did, anyway. Oh, sure, he lived in our home until he died when I was ten. But I don't remember interacting with him much and some of the stories I have heard floating around from other family members (which may or may not be true) indicate that it is in the realm of possibility that that might be a very good thing. It's not like I have some horribly abusive memory to erase in the same way that mother's day leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of a lot of the very unloving things that my mother did in the name of "love". It's more like I draw a blank. I have no idea what it might be like to have had some male figure be there for me. Really, truthfully, I have no idea of what having an adult of either gender be there for me might have been like either.

I am not complaining in a way, because God has, indeed, provided some very unique ways of imparting the knowledge that a parent would have, once I opened myself up to that possibility. Of course that was after making a supreme mess of my life first.

So this brings me to one of my biggest frustrations with a message that I get from the church. That being the idea that mostly, God works through other people. Really? That brings some really unpleasant conclusions if taken to an extreme. I am not denying that God CAN work through others or that at times he DOES. So don't start emailing me stories about how God used this one and that one in your life, because I know it does indeed happen!!! It's just that I've had it presented to me on more than one occasion that this is the primary vehicle that God uses. Where does that leave the person who finds themselves isolated for a season of their life?

I remember when my daughter was a toddler reading her a book by Max Lucado (sorry Max. I really like you. But you missed the boat on this one. Big time.) designed to talk about God and families with young kids. In a nutshell, the sentiment was that "God loves you so much and that's why he provided us as your parents." Wow. Consider what that sounds like to a kid who has been repeatedly molested by his/her parents. Consider what that sounds like to a child languishing in the foster system who keeps getting sent from home to home. Clearly it would not be too very difficult by extension to assume that God does NOT love those children anywhere near as much as the child of Mr. and Mrs. Perfect Christian Family. Obviously, this is not true. The Bible says this is not true. Therefore, God's love is obviously distinct from whether or not we have other people pouring out their love on us.

Indeed, look at Joseph. Did God not love Joseph? Yeah, his dad loved him, but it was with such a dysfunctional love that it set his siblings up to ambush him and do horrible things to him. One of my favorite verses in the entire Bible is Genesis 50:20 which talks about what Satan intended to harm Joseph was actually used for good by God. I am not even going to pretend to know how this works. This is such a departure from our formulaic, linear solution oriented line of modern thinking. We want to know how to do X so that Y will happen and sometimes it just doesn't quite work that way.

If I am sounding frustrated, I am. The father's day issue isn't what is so much bugging me, as I long ago came to peace with that. What is bothering me, and I'm gonna come right out and say it, is the teaching that is practically a worship of the "small group". These are groups that are sold as providing instant intimacy and acting as a surrogate family. I've been in several and I'm gonna be honest: they have not worked out quite that way. I've heard other people say the same thing. It's like the dirty little secret that no one wants to admit. The truth of the matter is, the people I have really connected with are folks that I have met outside of these forced little settings. Or sometimes one does meet someone in one of these groups that becomes a lifelong friend, but the group is just a meeting point for a friendship that goes on long after the group has died a natural death. At best, I have heard of people who have a truly remarkable group for a season. But it's not that nonstop circle of support and trust that it is made out to be. I've sat through a presentation encouraging people to join a small group and I couldn't quite believe my ears at the testimony that I heard. There was very little mention of God. There was, however, much mention of how this girl had been loved on and supported by her group. Truthfully, she could have gotten the same thing in many other settings. Who needs God? You just go to church to meet people who will help you. This may not be what was intended, but this was what came across. I really really wanted to believe that I was imagining this, but no, I checked it out with a few other people and sadly, I wasn't. If she ever finds herself in a place in her Christian life where God does not put people in front of her to hold her hand, she'll either be forced to readjust her theology or, more sadly (and probably more likely) she will walk away from the faith because it never really was faith in the first place. It was just good psychology.

Some of the times of greatest growth in my life have been triggered by forced isolation. Ouch. Now how does that fit in with the particular theology discussed above? It does not.

Dare I even say it, but what I have seen is not just bordering on outright idolatry, it IS idolatry. Both of families and of relationships within the church. Whenever one begins to rely on something besides God, one is beginning to walk on very treacherous grounds.

I'm not saying that relationships are bad. I am saying they need to be kept in their proper place and that recognition needs to be given that being in relationship with people be used by God just as much as other variations on the theme.

This gives the same vaguely uncomfortable feeling that people approach having been born in the US as some special mark of God's love without pondering whether that they are implicitly saying that Christians in third world countries (who are often waaaaay more on fire for Jesus than those of us in the US) must not be loved quite as much. Really, health, children, a good family, friends just about any "blessing" is the frosting on the cake of God's love. Because even if you don't have those items, God still loves you. God is still working in your life even if you are in a season where those things seem in short supply. Sometimes those things are not provided so that you can grow. The near obsession in some circles with relationships can obliterate that to where church merely becomes just an exercise in good group psychology and nothing more.

I am not even going to pretend to know exactly how God uses all kinds of situations in our lives. Perhaps in the beginning, before Eve at the fruit, God did intend to use all to prove His love for us. Circumstances that would prevent those tangible things from showing their face had not yet come on the scene. But the church gravely does people a disservice when it points them towards ANYTHING except total reliance on God as necessary.

And they'll know we are Christians by our...facebook pages????

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 04:40:00 +0000

Once again, a facebook posting has provided blog fodder. This time, the issue in question is if one can assess the level of another's spirituality by examining the content of that person's facebook page. I am not talking about drawing a reasonable conclusion that someone whose page is filled with drug references, salacious shots of themselves in various stages of undress and party tales is probably not walking very close to Jesus at that particular moment. Nor am I saying that one could not conclude that someone who repeatedly posts items mocking others has a bit of a ways to go in becoming more like Jesus. No, the whole underlying assumption is, if I got this right, that the more one's posts talk overtly about God, then the more spiritual that person probably is. Really??? I don't know about that. I don't know that God has a problem if we digress off onto interesting news items, silly plays on words, movie reviews, "guess the song lyrics" statuses (my personal fave) and other postings that don't necessarily scream "Jesus" in capital letters.

This whole thing is a takeoff on the oft heard mantra that you can tell a man/woman's priorities if you take a peek at their calendar or at their checkbook. Really, it sounds good, but I'm not sure that you can over simplify like that. Especially with the calendar. I do think that the checkbook might be more telling since Jesus speaks so pointedly in so many places about material goods and the value or lack thereof of them. But the calendar or the facebook page? Hmmmmm. Not quite so clear cut.

Is the person who reads nothing but Christian books; never anything just for the fun of it more "spiritual" than the person who considers that God created good things for our pleasure? Is the person who chit chats with one's Christian brothers and sisters about matters not directly pertaining to church less spiritual than the person who brings every conversation around to a Bible verse? Again: I'm not so sure. Now, I gotta say, speaking for myself, God is so interwoven into my life, that He is never very far from my mind and if I am talking about something good in my life, the gratitude or the story about how God worked in that is also probably not very far away. But I'm not trying to do so. And I don't feel like I'm neglecting God or making an idol of something else if a good ten or fifteen minutes of conversation pass about "trivial" matters.

I was actually just gonna put this in the string on this person's facebook page, but then I thought I had way more to say than would be right to hog up someone's feed with. I also felt kinda, well, intrusive. Maybe maybe not. Just needing to vent is all.

What do you think?

Hit the Road, Jack

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 06:48:00 +0000

Okay, maybe that was just a wee bit disrespectful to the dead, but I couldn't resist.
As most probably know, Jack Kevorkian died today. My first reaction was, let's be honest here, not exactly Christian. I was glad to see him no longer polluting the planet with his evil ideas.

I've already had a few folks on facebook tell me that he performs a valuable service, they want someone like him around for them, etc. Here's the thing: I think this is a relatively new issue because generations ago, people did not linger like they did today. If you were sick enough to be suffering that badly, you were also sick enough to be dying without any help at all in very short order. Once again, though, modern medicine is a double edged sword. The very things that extend our lives often work a little too well. There is such a thing as too much intervention.

I've worked in a hospital for a very brief time in my life when I thought that I was going to be a nurse (another story entirely). I have seen patients that yes, needed to stop being kept alive by medical science. I have heard patients such as those being used as an argument for assisted suicide.

Here's what I don't get: why do people insist on blurring the line between knowing when to let go and taking an active role in killing somebody? I'm not going to go down the "playing God" argument against euthanasia because frankly, we play God every single day by that same line of reasoning. Nonetheless, there is something that makes me very, very uncomfortable about a terminally ill person taking a fistful of pills in the same manner that one would take a dog to the vet to be put down. Can I totally narrow it down to a complete line of reasoning? Not entirely. I just think it is a very dangerous place to go. How, exactly do you define "terminally ill"? How many people also want to make it quick because of subtle pressure from the family? There is an awful lot of room for a slippery slope once you get into taking active steps to end somebody's life.

The truth is, I think that if we were honest about just how much an awful lot of doctors will do just about anything to prolong a patients life for just a few more miserable months, then a lot of this would cease to be an issue. There is a world of difference between acknowledging the cruelty of extending an eighty year old person's life with treatment after painful treatment and becoming comfortable with mixing that same person up a drug cocktail especially for the purpose of killing them.

Yeah, I know about the fact that a lot of times a dose of pain medication strong enough to knock out the pain in a terminally ill patient is also strong enough to kill that same patient. So be it. I'm talking about the intent here. If the goal is to make the patient comfortable and they die in the process, I think that is a very different matter from, again, mixing up that cocktail for the specific purpose of ending the person's life. Motive, people, motive.

It is, again, a very bad jump of logic to go from the fact that the above is a fairly regular occurance to the assumption that deliberately killing somebody is OK.

This stuff NEEDS to be talked about. People should not be afraid to discuss the specifics of the end of life and the ethics involved. If they do not, anything other than pulling out all the stops to keep a patient alive will get lumped into the same category for political purposes. Pro-life people are afraid to talk about some of it for fear of appearing to endorse euthanasia. And the pro-suicide camp finds blurring the lines to be very helpful to the cause of advancing their objectives.

Positive Thinkers and Other Liars

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Thu, 26 May 2011 07:09:00 +0000

Do you know any of those endlessly chirpy positive thinking types? You know, the ones that think that if you believe it, you will make it happen? And then they misappropriate a few Bible verses to make it all sound Godly? Sorta like Oprah. Yeah, me too. And I want to just slap them silly. Because you know what, while there is a kernel of truth within the lies, it is still a lie. And the very WORST lies, the ones that the enemy uses to hurt us the most, are almost always the ones that begin with a truth.

It is true that God does not make junk. I firmly believe that everyone has their niche. I do not disbelieve that as one seeks after God more and more, then God will reveal a plan perfectly tailored to that persons individual gifts. Here is where it breaks down though. Almost always these teachers are putting the cart before the horse. They are making the fruit of an honest walk with God into the object of desire itself. Scripture says that if we delight in the Lord, then He will give us the desires of our hearts. Psalm 37: 4. This is absolutely, positively one of my favorite Bible verses of all time. I take it to mean that as I seek after God, He will align MY will with HIS will. He will burn away the stuff that I want for all the wrong reasons and the stuff that I think that I really need, but actually would not if those things really came to pass. And, ultimately, in HIS time and in HIS way, HE will give us what He knows will bring us the most joy. It will not be a result of "believing in yourself" and "thinking positively". No, it will be the fruit of what the Westminster Catechism states is really our chief purpose during our stay on earth; that being to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.

Where this hurts people is when they go to some Christian pep rally or go to some self-appointed "life coach" who tells them that all they have to do is "think positively" and the big plan will unfold. What happens is that they put God in the position of doing our bidding instead of humbling ourselves before Him and being willing to (gulp!) die to self. God will not let us raise ourselves up as objects of our own ego. At least not for very long. He will especially not appreciate being used so that we can make the our own flesh sound far more spiritual than it actually is.

I was very cynical in my own life that God would ever give me anything that I wanted because I had fallen prey to this kind of thinking at one point in time and of course it hadn't worked. There is no "eight point plan" that will "help God's plan for your life unfold." There is only seeking after God's heart and asking Him questions as they arise and seeking truth. The devil, of course wanted me to think that it was because God wanted me to suffer. Not true. It is all a matter of motive.

"Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and All these things will be added unto You" (Matthew 6:33). This just about sums it up. It's not about "overcoming blockages to peak performance"; it's about seeking to be conformed to the mind of Christ. Which admittedly isn't all the rage among many Christians today. Many are far more interested in what God can do for them than in how they can humble themselves before God to be used by Him.

Yes, this is my vent for the day. How perfectly well timed for the same date as the end of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

A Nice Healthy Discussion!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 16 May 2011 07:07:00 +0000

I've already ranted on the public educational system in the US. Now it's time to take on health care. I can seriously feel the love already.

Now I want to start with several statements right on up from so that nobody can get angry with me and accuse me of things that I do not say. You know about that expression about "making an ass out of "you" and "me" when one assumes? Yeah, there's been a lot of that going on lately. Therefore, for your enjoyment and perusal, I present the following:

1) I do not hate poor people. I do not feel that "I've got mine, so screw everybody else" I simply do not feel that the solutions offered by those of a more liberal persuasion are going to do anything but replace one set of problems with another.

2) I also do not believe that everyone that is lacking brought it on themselves. That may be the case for some individuals, but I certainly do not believe it to be the case across the board.

There. Now that I've gotten this out of the way, may I just state how pathetic that I think that it is that I actually have to spell this out by way of a disclaimer? It's pretty darn sad that anyone who does not toe a certain party line has to defend themselves in this manner, ya know?

Now let's get on with it.

It's not a secret that the US has a major major health care crisis. Duh. Tell me something new and different, OK? What IS debatable is exactly why we have it. Most liberals will, of course, beat the tired old drum that it is because those who have do not care about those who have not. I think there is an element of that there, but not in the way that they think. More on that later.

Many conservatives do tend to blame the individual. "You were careless with your money, so why should I pick up your slack" is what they say in so many words. No doubt this is true in some cases. I'm not interested in a numerical analysis of exactly what percentage of folks without access to good health care have brought it on themselves. It does not take a rocket scientist to know that there are people whose own poor choices have brought them to this point.

At the same time, though, especially as time marches on, there are a great many people who find themselves high and dry thought no fault of their own. They lose a job. They get ill and are dropped like a hot potato and can no longer afford the "special" insurance that is all that is available to them. The list is endless as to the myriad of reasons why any one of us, save for the ridiculously wealthy, could find ourselves without access to decent health care. Do not get me going on Medicare, by the way. I know plenty of people on state aid and the whole system is rife with HUGE problems. This post isn't going to be about those problems. You can google it if you are so inclined. Or just talk to someone who relies on the government for their health care and ask yourself if that is what you would like to be the gold standard for all.

I have my own personal theory as to why we have arrived at this ridiculous dilemma that so many people find themselves in over health care. That theory is named "entitlement". No, I do not mean that I think that acting as if one deserves health care is acting entitled. However, people today, as a group, expect things to be handed them. "have it your way" "You deserve it all". Etc. When my generation was young (I am fifty, to put this in perspective) we had insurance for emergencies only. You wanted to be insured in case you were in a horrible car accident or you got cancer or your uncomplicated pregnancy turned into a very complicated labor and delivery. What you did NOT have insurance for was for the expectation that every shot, every trip for antibiotics and every well child visit would be covered. Those were budgeted for just as you would budget for food. And I don't really know that there were masses of people who had trouble paying for this. Sure, there were some people who could not afford doctors at all, just as there are people who cannot afford food. But they were not the vast numbers that there are today. And there were charities and social services to take care of these folks. The point is: it was not so widespread to be unable to afford basic health care as it today

Somewhere between then and now, some brainiac got the idea that health care plans should be all inclusive. And of course prices skyrocketed. Those who used doctors judiciously wound up paying into the same pool used by hypochondriacs that feel the need to check out every single sniffle. Hey, if you are paying for "all you can eat" healthcare, you may as well get your money's worth, right??? It has been documented that on average, people visit doctors for minor issues quite a bit more if they are not paying only for services consumed.

I don't think this is the worst of it though. The worst of it comes through the third party billing. I used to work in a hospital many moons ago. I have seen with my own two eyes thirty dollar urinalysis cups and twenty five dollar gauze squares. Now, you tell me how on earth can anyone get away with charging prices like that??? I'll tell you how. One word. And that word is greed. Remember my "let's get back to the corporate greed concept" statement above? This is what I was talking about. The restraint at ridiculously overcharging for products and services vanishes at the introduction of a faceless corporation to which these things are billed. Health care providers that wouldn't dream of jacking up the prices of things billed directly to the consumer have no qualms at all of doing just that to the insurance company. None at all. You and I both know what all this overcharging of insurance companies does in the long term to insurance rates, right? It drives them up. But you knew that, of course.

I am frankly amazed that this does not get more discussion. Or maybe it does and it's just smacked down by those who care more about pushing their agenda than about actually solving any problems. News flash: the lack of access to health care is NOT caused by a lack of a government health plan. The same entitlement that drove consumers to embrace the idea of a plan that covered every medical expense is now driving them to expect the government to provide a solution by way of national health care. Except, of course, really, its not free. We know that. Whether it's paid for by taxes or out of pocket, we are still paying for it. It is just that we like the illusion that we are being taken care of rather than having to fork over the bucks at the time of service. The same illusion, by the way, that those who are greedy have that "they aren't really hurting anybody" because the entity that they are cheating is the middle man and not the consumer. But of course it hurts the consumer. It's just not as direct. So it's way easier to rationalize for those who are so inclined to do so.

Just as this whole all-inclusive HMO produced a whole nest of unanticipated problems, I'm almost certain that a government administered health plan will do the same. Yes, everyone will have access to the same crappy level of health care. It will kind of mirror schools probably. There will be an illusion on the part of liberals that everything is "fair" because the government is providing it and in theory it is available to all. But just like in education, we will all be forced to pay for something substandard while those who can afford it will pony up for something better. Can we all say the word "inefficiency" together????

What I want to know is why the reasons that health care has skyrocketed are not being discussed so that a solution can be provided at that level instead of everyone being bullied into taking on a socialist health program or risk being labeled as a selfish, elitist pig????

Answer me that one!!!!!

"Mother" (the Pink Floyd version)

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sun, 08 May 2011 19:44:00 +0000

So today is Mother's Day. I am usually focused on being very glad that I am a mother to a couple of the most awesome kids EVAH. But then I start to see people posting about how their mothers left them a legacy and taught them this and that and I draw a blank. And then I start to feel guilty. The only mother themed musical tribute that struck an emotional chord for me was from The Wall. You know, the one where Roger Waters croons about how his mother turned him into a neurotic mess. That one.

See, I don't have these warm fuzzies for my mother. She was a very hard person to get to know. I can look back and feel a little empathy for her because I know a little bit about her past. I also was just too close to the situation and had been on the receiving end of too many of her underhanded vicious comments to back off and extend a little grace. Yeah, I feel guilty for that. I know of plenty of people whose mothers were far less than stellar and yet they have been able to pick out some of the good. Maybe they are better people than I am. Or maybe their mothers came to them and acknowledged some of the wrongs that they have done, unlike mine who persisted right on up until the very end that she'd been an excellent mother and I was just ungrateful. Denial runs deep. Sometimes very deep. I'd like to think that if my children came to me as adults and told me that x,y and z actions of mine had greatly contributed to some issues that they had had that I would be gracious and acknowledge that and beg their forgiveness without getting all huffy and defensive.

The problem is that anything that I wind up saying to myself to lessen the impact of my mother's actions feels like I am making an excuse. How can you spend your child's entire childhood expressing your disgust for just about every aspect of their personality while still proclaiming your love for said child? Is it any wonder that I grew up loathing myself?

Yet still, I know so many people whose parents did far, far worse. Beat them. Said things far more vicious than my mothers subtle hints of disapproval. Neglected them. What is wrong with me that I could just not muster it up to find some good in there like some of these other people have done. Maybe their mother's truly WERE a mixture of good and bad. Maybe their mother's did indeed do some very loving things amidst the dysfunction. I've known people like that in my lifetime. There may have been drinking and all manner of messed up things going on, but it was also clear that these family units loved each other. Aside from the usage of the word itself, I don't know that I ever felt that there was a whole lot of love in my family growing up. Love was something you wrote on cards or declared to bring things down a notch when you knew someone was getting ready to confront you. It was something used to deflect when a very real hurt was brought up. "But I love you, so drop it". It was used to justify an awful lot of manipulation "for your own good". In the end, I think "love" was more about the other persons feelings of attachment than it was about any real desire to see another person thrive. I always felt like my mother had just put a straw in me and was busily sucking the life out of me.

Did I also mention that she was a compulsive liar? I actually had begun to believe I was crazy after years of her denials and rewrites of past events, current events and indeed anything to get her off the hook. By the time I left home at the age of eighteen, the best analogy I can come up with is that of a dog chewing off it's own leg to escape an even worse fate. Yup, that's what it felt like.

But oh, the guilt. She was my mother after all and she supposedly wanted the best for me. So she said. My very last conversation with her only reaffirmed to me that no matter what I did, it would still not be OK. It has dawned on me gradually that even if I HAD been what I thought she wanted me to be, then she would have found something else. Because I know very very few people that my mother fully approved of. And you know what else? Her approval appeared to bear an inverse relationship with how emotionally healthy the other person was. My mother mistook pity for love. I believe that she enjoyed feeling sorry for people because then she could feel like that good person. I don't even know that it's my place to figure out my mother's psychopathology. I only know that being in the same vicinity as her for more than an hour or so began to make me crazy.

So really, I am trying so very hard to not feel guilty that I DON'T have some wonderful legacy to place up on facebook as a status in tribute to my now deceased mother today. I pretty much raised myself until I got it together enough to be in environments where I have indeed found nurturing relationships. I've got a lot to be grateful for, I could list the specifics or I could simply say that God has indeed sustained me when humans failed me miserably. That is a lot to be grateful for.

I want to be clear that I am not angry or bitter. I know that there are things that I was given out of the starting gate that many others didn't get. There are people who desperately want children. I have two. I have a husband who is a man of integrity. We have had our struggles and he is far from perfect, but I know he tries to do the right thing. A lot of women do not have that. I am relatively healthy. I'm not saying that I have always been at peace with this, because that would be a complete bald-faced lie. I spent many years living in the shadows of bitterness and yes, even rage that I was "cheated like this". But I have seen how we all have our different "stuff" to deal with and this is mine.

I am also not one of these people any more who is so self centered in my own issues that I begrudge other people the joy of celebrating what I did not have. See above for how I have come to peace with that.

I just thought, gee, if I posted what I'm REALLY thinking about my mother as a facebook status today, I'd probably come off looking like, yes, an angry, bitter b**ch. Hence the blog post. This just seems to be more the appropriate forum for it, that's all.

Fun with conspiracy theories!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 03 May 2011 08:34:00 +0000

Is it really a surprise that the death of Osama Bin Laden has brought the conspiracy theorists out of the woodworks??? I'm not here to give off a blow by blow of specific conspiracy theories so much as to contemplate conspiracy theories in general.

It seems to me that it is just as foolish to assume that the government has your best interests at heart and that the media is all truth all the time as it is to unquestioningly suck up any conspiracy theory that hits the right spot emotionally.

I've read some attempts at explaining the psychology of conspiracy theories. These are usually from a liberal-ish point of view, and usually wanting to paint all who aren't drinking their particular brand of kool-aid as wild-eyed whackjobs. It may help to maintain one's own worldview to believe that those who aren't buying it are insecure or racist or scapegoating or whatever, but the fact remains, government and mainstream media both have given the American public an awful lot of reasons to feel suspicious over the years. I'm sure there ARE people who are just unbalanced and have paranoid tendencies anyhow who let their imaginations entirely get the best of them.

It's a gross misrepresentation to give us two choices: either suck up what you are told by the powers that be or float off into mere speculation and heresay.

See, this is where I think a lot of conspiracy theory types get it wrong. It's obvious there is something off. Let's take the whole birth certificate mess. Obama was not terribly forthcoming with information. He did not display an open willingness to put the American public at ease. Why that might be is mere speculation. I've seen theories that he was an illegitimate child and is in fact hiding that he was the product of an affair. This is plausible. Doesn't make it fact. It is also possible that Obama was just being cantankerous; and because his questioners were people at the diametric end of the political spectrum than himself, he thought that not dignifying their suspicions with what they wanted was a smooth move. Not so much. If people accuse you, you show them you have nothing to hide. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. So, as a result of Obama's unwillingness to be an open book on the matter of his official documentation, we've had a lot of theories floating around out there that go well beyond anything that can be proven. It is one thing to say "I do not trust him. He is hiding SOMETHING" and it is quite another to fill in the blanks with mere speculation (lets see how many times I can use the word "speculation" in this post, eh?). Look, I've read some of the articles that are based on statements of relatives and half-siblings that can't even get their facts straight. At the same time, it strikes me as kinda odd that Obama has an Indonesian half sister that he fails to mention in his book AT ALL. This lack of forthrightness is of course going to breed suspicion that the man is hiding something. Or lots of somethings. He may think he is being private, but that's not how an awful lot of folks, particularly those who don't like his politics already, are gonna perceive it. As for the privacy: I'm sorry, you choose to run for the president of the United States, any semblance of privacy flies out the window. If you are not prepared to answer touchy questions about yourself and your history to reassure people, inspire trust and put their minds at ease, then why don't you just find another profession?

This is what I think: conspiracy theories (note the word THEORY. If it were more than that, a different word would be used than THEORY) flourish where people have good reason to believe that they are not being told the truth through mainstream sources. When they believe that information is being withheld or even that they are being lied to outright, a certain number of people's imaginations run wild. Maybe it makes some of us feel more control to have a plausible explanation rather than just a lot of dangling loose ends. I don't know. But some of the explanations I've read in some of the self-congratulatory back-patting liberal publications out there (Huffington Post, I'm looking at you!!!) reek of just as much speculatory accusation as the so-called conspiracy theorists.

To reduce people who question Obamas birth to a bunch of racists who want to rid the country of its first African-American president is one of the most ridiculous things that I have ever heard in my entire life. The man's father and stepfather both were foreigners. He spent a significant portion of his youth living not only in a foreign country, but a foreign country who's predominant religion is known to have large factions that have expressed their undying hatred of America. If that means people want a little more reassurance than they would from another candidate, then I don't think that makes them racists. Especially in this current political climate. That they take that lack of reassurance and spin fanciful stories is not really a surprise. I think most people feel more comfortable if they can explain stuff away instead of living with a big gaping hole of stuff-we-don't-know.

An Easter Post

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 08:36:00 +0000

Here I sit on Easter evening, digesting my ham and deviled eggs (and might I add that they were very delicious!!! I'm no foodie, but by gosh, I love my own cooking!!! I suppose that is a very good thing!!) and thinking about the resurrection.

You know, I usually have some topic all mentally planned out before I write. Every so often, when I have been at some peak of emotional angst, I'll emotionally vomit on the page. It always winds up sounding the same though, so I try not to do it too much. Yeah, this is my personal space, but I also figure that if people are taking the time to read my stuff, then I should also at least try to not bore them.

Not tonight. I've had stuff rattling around in my head. I have also been keenly aware that it's been awhile since my last blog post. So I kinda thought to myself, "self, why don't you just blog about it and see where it goes?" Yeah. Good idea.

So here it be. I've been a Christian for a very long time. More than half my life at this point. Longer than that, if you count the years that I gave mental assent to Christian doctrine for the most part, but was simply unwilling to give up the lifestyle issues and commit to growing as a Christian. Those were years I floated in and out of churches after being out late partying the night before. I knew what I should be doing. I just wasn't quite willing to do it yet.

I am not sure that I fully grasped the "we are all sinners so Jesus had to die" thingie for quite awhile. I saw myself as a particular failure and I saw Jesus as the missing piece that might be able to fill in those holes that my own natural abilities did not. But I don't know that I saw this as universal. I had always neatly divided the world into "myself" and "all those confident people out there who have a clue"

I am now starting to get that it is possible to be a good person in the world's eyes and still totally be lacking in the things that are important to God. I've been privy to a somewhat nauseating exchange online in which several do-gooder types were patting each other on the back about how "compassionate" they are. I mean, really??? Yeah, I've been on the receiving end of a lot of people who fancy themselves as very loving and very kind and I have news for you: those are more often than not, the people who destroy your life while they are trying to "help" you. They just don't get it. I've been mulling over how this works on a larger political level lately. That is, of course, a topic for another day.

But back to the matter at hand. This is really nothing more than pride. More often than not, people in the world who fancy themselves as "good people" reek of pride. They judge other people in a far worse manner than the Christians who are so frequently accused of being "judgmental".

I don't even want to make this a liberal/conservative issue because I am fast starting to believe that Jesus just wouldn't be out there politicizing everything. He knew more than any of us that politics is, indeed, mostly the works of man. An attempt by man to fix what is wrong with the world by our own means instead of bowing to our Creator and realizing that only HE has the answers. Not saying that people should not ever get involved in the political process and certainly we should all vote, but the ability of manmade systems and institutions of any stripe to unravel the messes that we have made is severely limited. It is amazing to me how many Christians do not realize this.

It just sort of fries me that people can be so smug about what good people they think that they are. Especially when it is obvious to me that they probably are not. You know, there has been some near canonization of public school teachers in the media in the wake of all the goings on in Wisconsin. How they work so hard and spend their own money on school supplies. Etc. I'm sure that they do indeed do all that. Yet at the same time you have this. I am fully aware that every single public school teacher does not systematically enable bullying. But this recent incident in Minnesota happens everywhere. All over the country. Kids who are tormented who dare to fight back are expelled while the bullies go free. These people who practically self-canonize themselves are also at the same time driving kids to suicide. Um, yeah, not quite so saintly now, are they?

People in recovery know well the concept of "codependence". It's always the "good" person, the "hero" that is also the one making everybody else crazy and in fact undermining them with their very destructive "good intentions". What else is this but sin??? Lord, save us from ourselves.

If it were possible to be "good people", all we would have to do is follow a checklist. However, not only can one make oneself crazy trying to do just that, but it is more likely than not that mixed in with all that stuff that you are busily patting yourself on the back for, is an awful lot of destruction that you are completely unaware of. Ouch.

I'm really starting to get it. How it's not about my inabilities to quite get it together in the ways that I have imagined that other people do. It's about surrendering my motives and letting God purify those. And rid me of pride.

Speak of pride; I've been around this earth for over fifty years. This has given me ample opportunity to observe how people's actions very often do not match with their words. This may be a rehash of what I said way up there, but it merits being spelled out clearly. I've noticed that so often when people make a point of telling you how "good" they are, that's a pretty clear indication to start running for the hills. Because that is the person who will more than likely screw you over in more ways than you ever imagined. I don't even know that this is a conscious attempt to deceive, although I'm sure that sometimes the person does know exactly what they are doing. I've merely noticed that the folks that truly believe that they are "good people" are very often the one's who are extremely toxic. I suspect it's a function of our old friend "denial". They believe that they are such nice people. So when they do something that doesn't fit with that image that they have of themselves, they are forced to minimize that. Or they might have to deal with something unpleasant. Like facing the doctrine of sin. Oops.

I'm betting I get some negativity about this. And that's OK. Because I'm fast coming to the conclusion that NOTHING matters in life so much as my life in Christ and allowing it to be about Jesus and not about me.

Amen.

Letting it All Hang Out

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 07:57:00 +0000

I have at least two other blogger friends who are blogging about some really serious stuff that they are talking about for the first time. It's kinda given me the impetus to do likewise.

I struggle a lot with thinking that compared to other people, my "stuff" is really stupid. Of course, I know, objectively speaking, there were some major shitty episodes in my childhood. They may not be the stuff of which horror stories are made of, but no one would deny that things like the death of a parent are just minor blips. Since I never really had any clearly defined addictive problem as an adult, I also tend to discredit whether I am just magnifying things in my own head. There is no doubt that a lot of my adult behavior was dysfunctional and pockmarked with bad decisions, but when I hear what some people have endured, I feel awfully fortunate in comparison.

One of the biggest patterns in my life has been the belief that I am hopelessly screwed up, hopelessly incompetent and a real loser. I live in fear of someone finding this out. I've unfortunately been around recovery circles enough to know that you're only as sick as your secrets and the big key to healing is to just open up about it. Do I really feel ready to spill the details on a blog to countless anonymous readers? Well, no. I'm also afraid of sounding like a gigantic victim if I lay out the blow by blow that got me here. Maybe that's not really the point. The point being that somehow the combined message of my childhood was one of being "different" and ill equipped for life in the same way that other people are. As an adult, I continued to seek out relationships that reinforced that message. Where others would no doubt have put the lid on friendships based on putdowns and attempts to "fix" everything that was wrong with themselves, I ate it up. Why not? I figured that it was true.

I also picked up by osmosis the belief of my mother that resistance is futile. Accept your destiny. And in my case, my destiny appeared to be that of the crap on the bottom of everybody else's shoes.

So this brings me up to today. I really want to believe that I am made for something more. Every time I turn around, I seem to be picking something up that holds this out. Well, I have a few recent failures under my belt and that little voice of the devil whispers into my ear and tells me that this is more of the same and really, who am "I" to expect anything different.

I forget of course that God has worked major miracles in my marriage and my family, but I still feel like the perpetual screw up. Those old messages are really hard to kick to the curb. I can repeat all the scripture in the world, but I can also remind myself that God does not promise us anything but His undying love.

I am starting to get that my VALUE comes from God's love and not from my performance. It's not about me and it's not about my endless desire to "prove them wrong" which seems like it always ends in disaster.

It is still hard for me to believe that if I keep my eyes firmly focused on God that He will enable me to do things that I never thought I could be capable of doing.

Some random thoughts a week after Japan

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 04:15:00 +0000

For the first time in months I actually have blog topics lined up in a neat little list, waiting for me to generate posts. Wow. I impress myself. Either that or maybe a lot of things have all lined up to give me good blog fodder all at the same right time.

Like most of the world, I've been glued to the situation in Japan. I don't think I even need to honor this with a link because if you don't know about the recent events over there, you must be cut off from the outside world or something.

I'll just zoom right in on one of my key thoughts about the whole mess right now and that would be that we humans sure think that we're hot stuff next to Mother Nature. I mean really, we just blithely go about our business and make our plans and then act all surprised when something comes along that is bigger than we are. We are also unprepared for when all our brave new technology winds up causing a lot of problems.

Really, I've been thinking about this stuff a lot. For most of human history, we have been decidedly low tech. Fire. A few mechanical doodads that make life easier. But that's been about it. Certainly nothing far reaching like electricity or engines or any of the other myriad inventions that have made life in the past hundred years remarkably more advanced than ever before. Think about it; there has been a sameness to life pretty much up until the industrial revolution. For all the cultural differences there might have been from era to era, most things remained the same. Transportation was by and large the result of animals whose only contribution to the environment has been some nice organic fertilizer. No carbon emissions polluting the air. Most definitely nothing like nuclear power. In fact, come to think of it, a really good portion of our modern issues have to do with energy sources, problems with energy sources and procuring energy sources.

That's not even touching the fact that there are any number of countries that are capable of anihilating us all if someone's trigger finger gets a little itchy. No, that is a very new phenomenon. Warfare was always ugly, but it didn't have the potential to do us all in until pretty recently.

Now all this is not to say that life before the industrial revolution was some kind of utopian paradise, because it was not, despite what some those back to the land types might like to think.

It's simply that it occurred to me the other day that there has been a huge escalation in the pollution of our world and in all manner of problems that pretty neatly coincides with much of this technology. In large measure, the very things that have changed life from backbreaking toil and survival into what it is today are also, most likely, some of the very same things that will prove to be our undoing.

I'm not sure this merits some huge long drawn out essay, but the above was just some random thoughts that I had in the wake of watching everything unfolding in Japan over the past week, coupled with endless discussions about nukes and energy sources and such.

Opinions: everybody has 'em (and a big ole thank you, while I'm on the subject!)

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 06:59:00 +0000

I am back to blogging fairly regularly. I'm not gonna say that my personal diary experiment was a bad thing because it wasn't. Sometimes it is a very good thing indeed to remind oneself that most of the time, all one has any real control over is their own person. There are times when I've read very externally focused editorial pieces (online and otherwise) and gotten the impression that the writer is way too busy noting what is wrong with others and not busy enough keeping his or her own side of the street clean.

I may have gone too far in the other direction.

I'm starting to feel like every blog post is pretty much the same. It's always the same stuff, the same insecurities. I belabor things over and over again in my mind and then come back to them a bit later, add another piece to the puzzle and stick whatever it is back on the shelf until another day.

I'm sure it gets old reading about it from the outside in. Because it sure as heck gets old on my end and I'm the one most invested in it!!!

Bringing me up to the present, I had my little hissy fit not that long ago about some local matters and the response that I got led me to thinking. That maybe it isn't such a bad thing to blog about matters other than moi.

I get in trouble a lot because I think out loud. Or more accurately, I've been thinking in print a lot lately. I've smoothed off a lot of rough edges. I have also come to the hard won realization that even if you think someone is out of their freakin' skull; whatever Christian witness you may have had goes straight down the toilet the second you stoop to insulting people or even engaging in a wee bit o' sarcasm. (Sarcasm? Who me???)

This observation is conspicuously absent from ~~many~~ most political discussions.

Not liking the fact that I found myself stooping to such tactics myself awhile back, I simply backed off. It was probably a wise move. Inaction is a good thing while you are sorting some things out. I pretty much shut up because I really wanted people to like me (yes I admit it), I was trying to find a job and wanted to make sure that I didn't get any controversial labels attached to me and I just hated the way I felt when the fur started to fly.

So I came out of hiding with this whole education thing because I had to vote for it. And you know what? Even though someone unfriended me and is quite possibly even now badmouthing me to other people that we mutually know as a result of it, this was not the end of the world.

Fact: if you have any opinions at all, some people will not be capable of agreeing to disagree and will not like you. That says more about them than it does about the one with the opinions. I have people that I really, really like even though my internal cringe-o-meter goes off like a rocket the second they get onto certain subjects. Because people are multi-dimensional like that. Know what I mean?

And lastly, sometimes it seems to me like the entire country is divided into two groups that each have their approved party lines and mostly they just react to what the other side says. Stepping outside that, I can see a few points where just about everybody is right on an awful lot of their observations even if I don't totally agree with where they go with that in the end. That is probably why I have managed to piss off all different kinds of people. I'm an equal opportunity ticker-offer.

I always feel like I've come home when I talk to some of the few people who actually get what I am thinking. Of course I may be assuming there and I may have a whole heck of a lot more company than I think I do. I'm sure you've heard about what happens when one assumes.

It seems a natural lead in to take this time to thank each and every one of you that lurks and reads this blog. I know there are a lot of you based on the site statistics. That really means a lot. Do not ever think that because you do not comment that I do not appreciate the fact that you bothered to take some time out of your busy day to read what I have written.

So thank you all!!!!!

Dumbing Us Down

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 09:29:00 +0000

Here, as promised to my facebook friends, is a mostly unedited version of "the comment that got me unfriended"; I'll have more to say afterwards on the matter.

Then I guess that's a problem if learning is such a joyless task, then, isn't it? There are many home/private educators that will tell you that it does not have to be that way.
Perhaps if there are kids that are that bored by school, the public schools should ask themselves "why" instead of becoming a never ending black hole for tax $$$$$.
My own observations are that high school is a waste for a lot of students because they know that they will never use what they are learning again. Why keep them there? Why not funnel them into useful job training, whether it is in a vocational school or in direct apprenticeships. Save the academics for the kids that genuinely find it interesting. My personal belief is that a standardized education after eight grade is one of the most inefficient money sucks possible. And the public school systems insistence on maintaining the status quo keeps limited amounts of funding from being used where it will give the most bang for the buck. Cut the extracurriculars. Prepare kids for life instead of dumbing everything down so that school districts can pat themselves on the back about their graduation rates and give the kids that don't want to be there real alternatives instead of spoiling it for the kids who DO want to learn (yes, they exist) and guilting the taxpayers every year when the same inefficient system needs to be fed even more.
Judging from what I have seen coming out of public schools in terms of spelling and knowledge, I don't really think the "keep them there till they get the diploma by bribing them with recreation" has done a whole lot except artificially inflate graduation rates. It's not like it appears that there is enormous amounts of learning going on. Of course the kids that are in school for the sports instead of the learning will be admitted to colleges on full ride scholarships, not to learn, but as an asset to (insert high profile college team of choice). Where they will be carefully advised on the easiest courses to take to maintain the minimum GPA to continue to boost the University's profile.
And while we are at it, why go through the gymnastics of keeping kids such as my daughter in school? She already knew much of what was contained within the dumbed down curriculum, yet just testing out of it and saving $$$ was never presented as an option. There are many kids such as her who would benefit from a straight track to a community college instead of yes, wasting more money. The GED actually has "high school did not challenge me" as an option. I was stunned that there are enough kids doing this that it rates an actual box to check on the GED form. And the school system fights them every step of the way on it instead of seeing an opportunity to save $$$ all around.
Personally I think the whole system needs to crash and burn and be restructured from the ground up.
Of course the only two options most taxpayers have in this country is to feed the beast that is public education or be labeled elitists who only care about their own children.
I DO care about kids other than my own but it also irks me no end when the government proceeds spend my tax $$$$ in the most inefficient way imaginable and then turns around and guilts and shames me for being selfish if I do not want to continue to enable that. It's not just the schools of course, but everything the government gets it's inefficient little hands on. As an aside: they want to do this to health care? Uh, no.
People need to demand change.

The above was in reply to a woman who is a local teacher. Every year our local school district wants more money. It is always an emergency. There is always a guiltfest using manipulative language like "do it for the kids". I would feel much better if I thought that the money was in response to true needs as opposed to damage control for poor spending.

I will freely admit to having some offbeat ideas about education. My children have gone to a private school that I have been very pleased with. I have the education philosophy of a homeschooler, even though I know that I couldn't do it myself.

Nonetheless, I DO feel a responsibility to not have an attitude of "well, as long as MY child is taken care of, then s**ew the rest of 'em". However, as a taxpayer, I gotta say, I feel a certain sense of...enabling....when I respond to the yearly request. My daughter spent a year in the public school system by default. It confirmed two things for me. One is that there are many dedicated, caring teachers in the public schools. Something that my own experiences as a child had left me seriously in doubt of. The second thing is that the system is a joke. Not locally. Nationally. Because they all pretty much operate in the same fashion, give or take a few details.

As of late, I have been reading this book. I will warn you that this is probably not a book that most entrenched in the public school machine would want to read, because it tears down everything that they know to be sacred. A teacher that truly embraced it would probably be fired. The author actually says as much within these pages. Yes, reading this confirmed pretty much everything I had suspected and was trying to push aside as perhaps reaction to isolated experiences. Nope. Its built into the system.

I'd be really interested in some honest feedback. Yes, I know some of you are probably huge public school supporters and will think vile thoughts towards me for this, at least for the moment.

I want to be abundantly clear here that I am NOT coming from the point of view that education should only be for the wealthy, but what we have going on in this country in the name of public education is clearly not working. We pour more and more money into the system and our children get dumber and dumber. What's up with that?

I surely don't think that the answer is to make smart children who really want to learn do without, but I think we need to come up with something better than the same old same old.

Ducking now and waiting for the rotten tomatoes to fly in my general direction.

Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 09:49:00 +0000

That's all. Nothing more and nothing less. It's really quite interesting that I have been getting inundated with stories about forgiveness lately. Make that stories about forgiveness of really bad things. Not petty things. Horrendous, earth shattering things. My husband sent me this story about an upcoming movie and the lengths that the main character goes to forgive a man who not only brutally raped her but impregnated her. Very squirm-worthy indeed.

I started feeling rather convicted because I've had a great deal of trouble forgiving a couple of folks in my own life and moving on. And all this pair did was pretty minor. It certainly wasn't criminal, although it hurt me deeply. It was never dealt with by people who should have dealt with it, which compounded the injury. But the entire story is very, extremely petty compared to this one.

So yeah, this is what I had rattling around in my brain in the past day or so since hubby sent me this news item. And then via facebook (Sigh. It's always via facebook these days, isn't it?) I was alerted to this real life story. This one is not a movie (although it is probably on its way to being one of those made-for-TV Lifetime specials)

I am not even going to go into the various ways in which this particular story troubles me partly because I haven't fully figured it out yet and partly because it would be too much of a rabbit trail. Suffice to say that this continues on the forgiveness theme even thought from what I can see, it is questionable whether this woman really has forgiven or is simply giving lip service to it all the while being vindictive.

Before I came up the second story, I'd really already decided to blog about forgiveness and how flippin' difficult it has been to let go of relatively insignificant matters when things like the scenario in the upcoming movie do happen in real life and real live people do have to grapple with them in a Godly fashion. Make no mistake, I've also had some big stuff happen to me and I'd like to think I've forgiven the perpetrators of those events because I've resigned myself to the fact that they will never have to pay for the harm done to me. But I do like to engage in delicious little revenge fantasies from time to time. I know that it's not right but I tell myself that all that biblical forgiveness stuff is just for wimps and God wants me to empower myself. I am smart enough to know that if I ever indulged any of my nasty little fantasies that no good would come of it, but I tell myself that just thinking about it is therapeutic. And so, in the world's eyes, it is. But not in those of God. Oops.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that Sunday's sermon at the church that I attend with my daughter was about rationalizing secret sins with God. Oh yes indeed. Good times.

So yes, this is what I want to know: when people can forgive such heinous events as rape, move on, visit the rapist in prison, show real Christlike love to someone who hasn't even begun to repent (this is the movie script), why do I struggle with hating on someone whose primary crimes were gossip, doing something spiteful (that wasn't entirely without precedent on my end) and lying? It's not like I have never indulged in those sins, although I do like to think that I've moved past that time in my life. The parties involved are hardly criminals. They are a couple of immature individuals that deal with conflict in a mean and petty way and I've spent the last year of my life wanting to see justice served. What is really seriously wrong with this picture??? Would it really kill me to go up to these individuals and show them some love? Apparently so, in my mind.

But then I see stuff like this upcoming movie and all the messages I have been almost bombarded with this week about forgiveness and I think maybe it's time. Not just with this latest outrage, but with some bigger events that I know I still carry bitterness around about. People that I know it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all if they had come to a sad nasty end themselves.

Scripture says that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23. It also contains the story of the prodigal son along with many, many other examples of there simply being no excuse to carry a grudge towards someone who has wronged you.

Ouch and ouch again.

Turn the other cheek.

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 10:40:00 +0000

Another day, another blog topic. And I'm trying to forget that a friend of mine just posted on facebook about her PHENOMENAL amount of blog hits.

Seriously, though, I've been mulling over possible topics and have had a few half baked ideas rattling around in my head for the past week or so. I also had one of those light bulb moments where you finally figure something out that's been nagging at you for a long time. It's been a huge thing to realize that I just don't have to engage in every little skirmish out there. There is no need to offer an opinion on every matter that presents itself to me. This may seem like a no-brainer, but trust me, for me, it was a very big deal.

Those of you who have been dropping by here since the very beginning of my blogging days might have taken note that I've been somewhat all over the place politically speaking. Truthfully, I don't know where I stand on a lot of issues. In some cases, I think that people on both sides of the political spectrum are deluding themselves that there are actual workable solutions that will solve whatever the problem is for good. Especially when they conveniently leave God out of the equation.

Those that claim to be Christians can even omit God all the while that they are inserting His very name into every matter under the sun. How can that be, you ask? Well, this is just my mostly casual observation, but those who utilize the name of Jesus in their campaigning seem to ignore some of Jesus' most basic teachings on how to deal with those with whom you disagree, especially when those with whom you disagree up the ante and begin to insult you. Mostly, the right seems to have adopted the way of the world when it comes to discussion and discourse. No one really seems to be terribly surprised when those that claim to be godless heathens get themselves all worked up into a tizzy and resort to below the belt tactics. No one is really all that shocked when those same people appear to have taken on "The end justifies the means" as their working business slogan. Why are even non-believers horrified when Christians do the same, then? I do think that it is because not so very far deep down, we all know that Jesus expects more of those who claim His name. Those who have even a passing knowledge of the Bible know perfectly well what Jesus says about conflict resolution. While it might be a topic for another day to closely analyze where exactly the Bible falls on military action and defending national borders, I'd say it's abundantly clear that when a Christian is called names and insulted for holding beliefs consistent with the Bible that Jesus did not say "go and dig up the nastiest dirt that you can find on your accuser and publicize it". It's a safe bet that "go on the attack and stick up for your rights" is not found within the pages of the Bible either.

No, Jesus tells believers to "turn the other cheek" I've thought about that passage a lot over the years and what exactly it is referring to. Thanks to both current political events and some personal ones as well, it has dawned on me that Jesus is most likely referring to the kind of emotional goading that just goes on and on and on until someone is mature enough to put a stop to it. He is wise enough to know that if one responds in kind to an unkind attack, then that favor will be returned. And on and on it goes. Jesus is calling the Christian to lay down the pride and to be the one that breaks the cycle.

So how does this relate to the current political climate? More often than not, what I see is people standing behind the moral values of the Bible, but failing to do that in a really biblical manner. I really cannot think of a time when I have seen any of the religious right respond in a manner that is not pretty much a complete imitation of the worlds way of handling debate and conflict.

Can you imagine the power that it would hold if a politician that claims to be a Christian just refused to jump right on in and engage in all the mudslinging with the rest of the crowd? That would speak louder than verbally winning any argument. At least I think so. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you think here?

Here's something else I thought of too: Jesus himself did not appear to be training for the intercollegiate debate team. He asked people questions. Pointed questions. Questions that really put them on the spot and made them think, whether or not they opened their mouths to answer right then and there. I recently heard that it is better to ask someone a question that allows them to reach their own conclusions than it is to sit them down and talk at them. Jesus seemed to have grasped this very thoroughly. If those Christians who feel led to engage in any kind of public policy making, would truly emulate Jesus' style, instead of just what they believe His moral stance to be on those assorted issues, they might wind up leaving far less to argue against them with.

I was gonna say they might wind up with less bad things said about them, but Jesus never promises that. In fact, what He does promise, is that if one stands with Him, then one can count on at least some people hating one for that. It's all in what you do when you are in the firing lines of that hate, however. Acting in a truly biblical manner, rather than just spouting biblical morality, would also give less ammunition to those that would denounce Christians as just loud mouthed hypocrites. Jesus tells us to behave in such a manner as to not give even the unbeliever room to say anything bad against us. This isn't so we can feel good about ourselves This is to remove just that many more arguments that the unbeliever might make against Christ. Where the world says firing back in kind is totally justifiable, Jesus says "do not return evil for evil". We would be wise to apply that in the political realm, as well as in the personal.

I so wish I was one of those "chapter and verse" Christians that could tell you which verse it is at the drop of the hat. But I'm not and it's late so I can't provide you with a reference for the above statement. Even with the help of Mr. Google.

I also wish that I was telling ya'll these gems of wisdom as somebody who has perfectly applied these principles at all times. Sadly, that is not the case.

So on that note, I bid you good night. I gotta get some sleep. But I hope I've given you all some thoughts for the evening.

Terrible Things

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 04:33:00 +0000

Sometimes I come up with these fantastic ideas for new blog posts. Then when I mull them around in my head a bit, I have the sinking feeling that I'm just circling around the same tree in a slightly different way. I wind up feeling like maybe you've all heard it before from me and maybe my readers are all gonna collectively roll their eyes and be like "don't these posts all basically say the same thing over and over again?" I also hate sounding whiny. Really hate sounding whiny. I've been exposed to too much whininess lately from others, and I'm tellin' ya, it just doesn't float my boat very much. I would imagine that most of you are the same, no???

Well, as I was pondering what to write about next, the blog fairies decided to be nice to me, and drop some subject matter right on into my lap. Blogger friend Audrey posted a link on facebook leading to this li'l ole website. I'm not sure that I was as horrified as the others that commented on the site or even as much as Audrey herself. But it did make me think and think a lot.

See, here's the thing. I've realized that the most misleading and dangerous teachings out there are not the flat out lies. They are not the completely fabricated, bizarre crazy stuff that only a stark raving lunatic could possibly believe. No, the most perilous things are the one's that are about, oh, eighty or ninety percent truth and just a teeny bit off base. Because that eighty or ninety percent truth will suck me right on in and have me nodding my head in agreement. So that by the time the crazy stuff gets dropped, it has begun to make perfect sense. I am at least rationalizing to myself that this person seems to have a lot on the ball so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt on something that's setting off some major size red flags. And yes folks, that is indeed exactly how the devil does his dirty work. Suck 'em in with the good stuff and then reel 'em in and destroy with the drop of poison.

Most perilous of all is when this stuff comes from other Christians that are 99% theologically correct. Except for that teeny little bit, of course.

In the case of the blog in question, I gotta say, I do not disagree with a lot of what this woman says. Maybe not her tone and the fact that she seems to have devoted an awful lot of print time to tooting her own horn (which is a problem right there in the sin department). But as far as some of her thoughts on society, culture, men and women, I have to hand it to her: she's got it right. Of course she also goes right on off into some highly controversial health issues that I happen to not agree with, but that's a topic for another day. Or maybe not.

Where it gets dangerous though, is that this woman appears to have not quite grasped that she doesn't have the answers all hammered out for every single "hard" case out there. And she does not appear to get that pontificating about what someone "should" do in situation X that she has not experienced comes off as rather prideful and repulsive. I spent a fair amount of time going through the comments on her blog. I almost always find comments to be even more enlightening than whatever is being commented upon. (hint, hint) And oh yes, people were angry. Clearly some of it was people that just don't like the morality in the Bible, but most of it was because this woman's attitude, was, well, pretty cringeworthy.

How does the Christian even begin to sort things out? I guess it behooves us all to pray and to test everything. In the process though, I am also learning that one doesn't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. This woman said a lot of things that made sense and to just react and rebel against those things because of her attitude and the odd conclusions she drew some of it out to would have led to just as much of a bad place as swallowing it whole. And yes, I do worry about people who would read some of her writings and make some choices thinking that is was "from God" because someone else said it very authoritatively. You know, mixing the poison in with something mostly nutritious.

There was a time when I was just on the warpath to stamp out everything that I didn't agree with. How is this any different from this woman? We all have the ability to be very fallible, even in the church. Boy, have I ever learned that one the hard way!!!! There are always gonna be people spouting off their mouths about how they think God would want everyone else to handle every hypothetical situation. I don't want to be one of them.

At the same time though, if there was ever a moment in history where God's truth is needed and people who know what they believe need to speak out, it's probably right now.

We should all be like the Bereans and test everything that comes our way, even that which is Christian. Never put a person on a pedestal or consider them to be God's spokesperson. Even if they appear to be very wise or have it together or anything else.

Keep the view vertical and not horizontal, if you know what I mean.

And oh yes, I'm back to naming my blog posts after song titles. So go and check out April Smith and the Great Picture Show. (Yeah, Terrible Things is the radio cut on her new CD) You'll be glad that you did!!

Let's (not) Get Political

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 07:51:00 +0000

A part of me is really quite afraid to speak my mind regarding the current political climate as regards the recent events in Tucson. It didn't take very long at all for a number of those on the left to trace the entire mess back to the right. Because, you know, there's a lot of violent imagery there on the right. Never mind that there's been an awful lot of really violent imagery voiced by those on the left as to what they would like to do to prominent conservatives. I am in no way, shape or form saying that I agree with Michelle Malkin on everything under the sun, but I'm sure that she didn't pull these little incidents out of thin air. I am not even going to begin to say that the right is blameless in fanning the flames to the current political climate. It's hard to know exactly where things began to evolve from relatively civil discourse to an attitude in which the ends truly justify the means. One might even be able to make an argument that some of the protesters of the sixties (leftists all) just might have set a precedent for pushing things towards the violent. I really don't know.

Now, of course, it is coming out (and doesn't it always?) that, oops, maybe we were just a wee bit too hasty (I was gonna use the expression "jumped the gun" but that just seemed a tad bit inappropriate. Even though, of course, it refers to foot races and not violence). Seems that the gunman didn't even watch much TV. It's highly likely that whatever the political issues were, they were swirling around off of his particular radar screen. The picture is coming out that his motives were not even political at all: they were personal. Gabrielle Giffords couldn't answer a nonsensical question that he asked her at a previous rally and out of his delusional mind, he built up a huge vendetta against her. Totally irrationally, apolitically personal. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea to tone things down in general, because they have, indeed, gotten mighty ugly as of late. I might even point out that those calling for Sarah Palin's scalp over this could be considered as perpetuating more of the same. Just sayin'

Here is my feeling: we have shut God out and should we really be surprised when in the absence of God if people in general start to act just a little bit less....civilized?

Seems like a no brainer to me, anyhow.

I am feeling very drained after some of the pontificating that I've seen going down the past few days. Do we really think that after all the eons and eons that the world has had problems that we are capable of fixing them by applying human solutions to them? Do we really think that we are that powerful??? Have we perhaps, erm, replaced God on the throne with us??

There is, as the infamous "they" say, nothing new under the sun. What we have going on now has no doubt been going on in many other contexts. I think of the Serenity Prayer, which succinctly states that there is an awful lot out there that we can't change, however we can and should change our reactions to it. Or as some say, "be the change you want to see in the world".

This doesn't mean returning quid pro quo to those that we believe are wrong. If the left thinks that the right is at fault for stirring things up against the left, then would somebody please explain to me how returning the favor is going to change a single dang thing?

You know, it really starts with all of us. Examine ourselves. Change the way we react to those that we believe are wrong. Don't attack people even if you are pretty sure they are in the wrong around a particular issue. Choose not to engage in that. And pray. Oh, I know that has really become a most un PC thing to suggest. Not just pray for things to occur outside of us, but starting with us. Cleaning ourselves up. And then we can fall on our knees before the almighty and implore Him to heal our land.

I leave you with this:

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Something indeed to think about.

Blog Annoyances

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 08:35:00 +0000

There is nothing like discovering that a post that you wrote over a year ago is still holding its place as second in line for blog traffic. And that it is evident from the search terms used that your brilliant and witty writing has absolutely nothing to do with it. Oh, yes, there are still plenty of people out there trying to find nekkid pics of J*ssie L*g*n.

In case your memory needs to be refreshed, Jessie is the poor gal who offed herself after the n*de photos that she texted to her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend circulated around her high school and she became the focus of sexually charged harassment. A part of me would really like to pull that post because my intent in writing it was not to draw maggots to feed on her death. Whatever her own role of stupidity and lack of judgement played in this whole mess, it still just irks me that there are people out there whose first reaction upon hearing about this girl is one of wanting to see the pictures that started it all. Maybe that's just because I'm female. Maybe I just don't understand how the male mind works. Every single week since I wrote that post I have several searches that are labeled with her name and the words n*de ph*tos. I don't really want to pull a post that has nothing wrong with it at all because of somebody else's prurient interest in the subject matter, though. Know what I mean?

Oh, and in case you are wondering what's up with the asterisks, it is a way to foil the search engines so that they do not deliver the goods when the words in question are entered. It's not prudishness on my part; it's just a way to try and avoid certain types of blog traffic.

End of rant one.

Now on to rant number two: I really need to put a direct access to my blog in my bookmarks. Maybe I'm just too lazy because it's almost as easy to type my own name into google to get here. At the same time, it provides a nice cursory check on what might be being said out there about moi.

What did I just discover now but that my very own words from my very own profile are on some kind of spambot page (at least I'm assuming that is what it is). For the page to stay open long enough for me to even read it, I had to access it through "cache".

If I just clicked on the link, I would be immediately directed to something else. Or a couple of something elses. One of which I had to reboot my computer to get away from. Sigh. I suppose it probably means you've arrived in some weird bloggy fashion when stuff like this happens to you. Sort of like getting your very first piece of hate mail.

But still.

Seeking the Giver But Not the Gift

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 07:31:00 +0000

Okay so this is a little bit late. Owing to the theme of giving and gifts, I was gonna make this my Christmas post. But I got lazy. So take me out and shoot me.

Anyhoo...I have been thinking a great deal about what exactly I am pursuing these days. Is it God? Or is it the fruit of knowing God??? Hmmmmm. There was once a time when l could unquestioningly have told you that was going after God. I had no choice if I wanted to keep my head above water. Life was constant chaos; my family life was in a shambles; my mental state even more so. To let go of a very firm grasp of God would be to let go of whatever small shreds of sanity that I had left. Bit by bit, God did indeed pry my cold hard fingers away from my "goals" for my family life and instead invite me to pursue Him. Several times I got this cold hard smack in the face because the harder I tried to make my family "work", the worse it got. I was eventually left with no rational choice but to simply follow God and let Him take care of the rest of it. Let go and let God, ya know?

Okay now, let's fast forward a number of years to where we are now living on Planet Sanity and the nightmare that was my life for so long is actually kind of hard to dredge up. Once upon a time, even before that season of craziness, the common thread throughout my life was "finding my life's purpose". When I became a Christian, that did not change. I just painted some nice religious overtones on the whole thing. See above for a reminder of how I attempted to control my family life.
Is it a surprise that now that I have whole time slots free that I started to pick up right where I left off?

Here's the thing, it's taken me having the you-know-what kicked out of me a few times to assist me in the realization that I've had some less than stellar motives out there. All the while I've been saying that I want to serve God and what I have really wanted to do is to build myself up. Make myself feel better about myself. I am one of the most monumentally insecure people that you will ever meet. There are some reasons for that that probably deserve a post all to themselves, so I'm not gonna rabbit trail it here.

It may be one of the hardest spiritual challenges that I have had in a long time, but I suppose my New Years Resolution is mainly gonna be to continually rein myself back in as to whether my motives are to glorify God or to shore up my saggy self esteem. I was gonna say "glorify myself" instead, but I think that a lot of people could misinterpret that to mean the kind of a false humility that's prevalent in certain types of Christian circles. There is nothing wrong with receiving praise. There IS something wrong with seeking it however, especially when the reason is that one would rather feel good about oneself as a result of one's gifts and performance instead of feeling good about oneself due to the finished work of Christ on the cross. And I do struggle with thinking that my value as a human being rests solely in my relation to God Himself as opposed to desiring to tally up my gifts and achievements and bask in those. Which is, no doubt probably part of the very reason that God doesn't seem to be in a big hurry to put me into a situation in which that very thing could be happening. Heck, I'd even like to be able to pat myself on the back from time to time, but it sure seems like opportunities for that are as dry as a desert in a heat wave.

I hate it when God knows my motives and acts accordingly. Really, truly I do.

I think I'm finally waving the white flag and getting with the program.

Seeking a Servant's Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 08:52:00 +0000

Totally unrelated to the subject matter at hand, but I just have to point out that if you are reading this on a mobile device, blogger has now thoughtfully provided the option to optimize the page for such things. Say "thank you blogger".

Anyhoo...I've come to the realization that I've spent most of my adult life attempting to prove myself. The jobs that I have tried and failed at could probably fill a small employment agency (okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration). It's what society tells us to do. Feel good about yourself because you are an accomplished person. Most folks out in the world wouldn't see a problem with this line of thinking at all. Talk to most educators and they'll be encouraging this mindset. They'd argue that self-esteem isn't free: it's earned. I am sure that if I hunt around online I can find lots of articles saying as much. Especially with back to basics sorts. Get those Americans achieving so we can compete in the global economy. Ya know???

Well, imagine my surprise when I was hunting around last night trying to figure this one out when I found this. "This" being a secular article put out by no less than the American Psychological Association. In a nutshell: self-esteem that revolves around one's performance is doomed to end in burn-out and anxiety. Wow. Welcome to my world.

I've been starting to kind of clue into the idea that my motivations have been less than stellar. When I am accomplishing something, I feel great. When I fail, I can't even get out of bed and I think that life is not worth living and I must be some kind of cosmic mistake. It's a roller coaster ride that never ends. So with a certain amount of encouragement to do so (especially from a particular husband), I have become willing to look at what my reasons for attempting just about anything are. Ouch and ouch again. It's been kinda hard for me to get to this point because, well, you know what I just mentioned above. It's just so acceptable in our culture to judge ourselves and others by our skills and accomplishments. Even if one has moved away from comparing oneself to other people and become what some call "internally driven", one is still taking away good feelings about oneself from a job well done and that becomes the reward and the motivation for the task. Hey, it sounded good to me. So why, why, why have I spent my entire life banging my head against a wall waiting to feel good about myself until the moment in which I find that magic thing at which I am skilled??? It wasn't like I have been looking to be better than everyone else. I just wanted to bask in a feeling of competence that has eluded me. My question to God has been "is this really too much to ask?"

I wasn't expecting the answer that I got back. But really, I shouldn't have been that
surprised because, like so many of these things, it all boils down to motives. And yup: my motives, when compared to God's motives, really don't look so hot. I mean, I'm not comparing myself to others anymore, so what's the big deal? Uh, yeah, servanthood. I can tell you that even in a church position, my goal has mostly been to find something that I do well so that I can now feel good about myself. This sort of flies in the face of all those sermons about servanthood that I've sat through over the years. Uh, oh.

Now this sort of thing strikes terror into my heart, because I am quite sure that this means that God is going to have me doing the most menial of menial tasks. And see, I have spent a lot of years doing menial tasks. Years when my mind could not function right and I was so wiped out emotionally that getting out of bed in the morning and getting dressed was a major, major task. I've moved past that and I'm ready to move on. Um, yah. I've kind of been getting the idea these past few weeks that I've been missing the point. Of course I bargain with God and think I can have my cake and eat it too. That if I just fix my motive, He'll go and open those doors right on up that have slammed shut so I can go right back to feeling good about myself. You and I both know it doesn't work that way.

I've been beginning to get an inkling that what WILL happen is that God is going to take me back to square one and build me a foundation based on my worth as His child. Not on performance. And He will have me doing things because they need to be done and will further His kingdom. Not because I am trying to go back and finish off my unfinished business and prove that I am in fact, competent after all.

Could I possibly wind up at the same endpoint that I was hoping to end up at? I might. But then again I might not. I'm sort of getting the idea that that is exactly what I have to let go of: the need for things to work out in a particular manner or else. I really don't like this idea very much at all, but I can see the writing on the wall and I'd rather get with the program and save myself the trouble of not doing so.

So, yeah, I wave the white flag, God. I give up. I surrender and all that. I now recognize that the point is not furthering my own career and building my own self-esteem. It is about truly asking God what HE wants me to do to further His purposes. It's also about doing the things because they need to be done and I am able to do them.

Amen.

Keepin' it Real

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 09:47:00 +0000

First off, let's put our hands together for the new improved blog design. Just because. I do believe it's easier to read. Less busy. I've come a long way since my humble beginnings of blissfully ignoring readability in favor of eye popping graphics. Know what I mean?

Now onto the blog.

I don't know about you, but I've noticed a lot of chatter about "authenticity" as relating to the church. If you are not a churchgoer, then trust me on this one: it's a hot topic right now. Here's the thing, though, I think some people really do not even know exactly what it is that they are seeking. I was thinking about this the other day because I was busy contemplating why so many people are turned off by Christian media. Is it because it talks about Jesus? Well, sure, for some people, no doubt that's a problem right there. But what about the rest of them? I think it's because a lot in the Christian world just is not real. People aren't honest; everything has this glow of perfection.

I've talked before about "too cool for you" Christianity and "cussing Christians" and I think that a goodly amount of the time, people think that this is what constitutes realness. Nope. It's not.

I'm probably not all that different from a lot of people, but I respond pretty well to honesty. Tell me what's really going on and it gets to me. Gets to me good, in fact. Honesty is healing. I have found that in my own life. It's a lot of why AA and groups like it succeed. For a lot of folks, twelve step meetings are the first time in their entire lives that they are in an environment where it is safe to tell the truth about what they are really thinking and feeling and hear others doing likewise.

So here's a note to pastors everywhere: foster that openness right from the pulpit. It will spread. The trickle down theory. Honesty breeds honesty. It sounds so simple, but for something so obvious, a lot of people sure have trouble grasping the concept. So they try gimmick after gimmick to attempt to draw people to their particular church or to Christ himself. And maybe it works for a season. Or maybe not and they wonder what's the problem.

You can be the uncoolest, unhippest person in the world but being real will attract others to your God. Even if they are very different from you. Truly that is amazing in its simplicity.

Love/Hate relationships and other holiday pleasures

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 00:07:00 +0000

I have mixed feelings about Christmas. No, not the part about the birth of baby Jesus. That gets me every time. Christmas eve just isn't Christmas eve without a church service celebrating that very thing.

What I'm talking about though, is that mass-market orgy of consumption that we've come to expect every year in the good ole US of A. And it's starting earlier every year. Before freakin' HALLOWEEN this time around. What's wrong with that picture??? I haven't even had a chance to let my fun-size snickers bars digest and they're already on me about Christmas. I don't think so.

Yeah, I could play the scrooge, which I handily do all the way up until black Friday. Then I get into the Christmas spirit. Sort of. I am not and never will be much of a decorator. Why should Christmas change anything? I honestly do not have the energy to make charming Christmas village displays on every available surface and other things of that very nature.

But no matter how much I piss and moan about it, as soon as Thanksgiving is over and done with, I catch myself hunting for the 24/7 Christmas station and giving it a listen here and there.

I do a lot of special cooking and baking, but having heard tales of what some other folks whip up in their kitchens, I figure my efforts definitely pale in comparison to theirs, (24 different kinds of cookies?? Really??? Who NEEDS 24 kinds of cookies??? Not me.) but it IS nice to make certain things that don't see the light of day any at other time of year.

I never did get the "put yourself into debt to give the kiddies the perfect Christmas" mindset, either. Around here, most holiday shopping revolves around stuff people would probably buy for themselves anyway. I look forward to my annual massage gift certificate in my stocking. I will say that. And coffee punchcards are always welcome. Little luxuries. My mind just reels at the shelves full of useless crap that you just know is gonna wind up at Goodwill sooner rather than later, however. I don't get it and I don't want to get it. This is celebrating?

I hate the pressure at this time of year, even though I almost never succumb to it any more. It's fine if you enjoy some particular aspect of the season; go for it. Knock yourself out. I've almost eliminated the guilty pangs when I realize that mine is the only house on the street that doesn't have holiday lights up. It's not that I have some big philosophical gripe with them. Well, except for inflatable lawn ornaments. Those are of Satan. I've just got better ways to spend my time. And my husband is even less into Christmas than I am. He's positively Scrooge-like this time of year. (although that never stops him from enjoying the Starbucks gift card and the chocolate that is stuffed into his stocking on Christmas morning. Or drooling on the nice cut of dead cow that we chow down on later that night, either, for that matter)

So yeah, merry, merry and all that. I have to go dig my nativity set out of the cellar, now.

The post that I cannot think of a better title for

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 09:18:00 +0000

Untitled blog post as of yet (although by the time you read it, it will of course have a title). What popped into my mind was "On Writing", however, that is also the title of Stephen King's most very excellent book on the subject and I would not want to be guilty of title plagiarism (despite my numerous lyric references over the years. This is different. Don't wanna be messin' with Stephen King.)

So anyhoo....I am sitting here wondering what to write about. Not tonight, obviously, because I already have that figured out. Writing about what to write about. But more like what direction I want to take things in as a whole. Unlike a lot of writers, I did not have writerly fantasies of someday writing that New York times bestseller or whatever all else writers dream about. I have always known that this is something that I do very well and as a younger person, I wrote quite a bit of poetry. Fairly good poetry, if I do say so myself. Whiny and reeking of an aura of petty teenage victimization as it was, it was still some quality work with words. Oddly enough though, none of my aspirations had anything to do with locking myself away in a writers cave and getting busy with a keyboard of some kind.

So why did I start writing more than all that poetry so many years ago? A large part of it was taking stock of what I do well (mostly brought on by taking stock of what I DON'T do well. I'll save that list for another time) and thinking that it would be a shame to let any good gift go to waste. Another chunk, just as big is that I've led an, ah, "educational" life. It also seemed like sort of a waste to let all those lessons learned the hard way dead end with me. I think it would be safe to say that I started blogging because I felt that God wanted me to. Of course that does beg the question about why most of my early blogging was mostly harsh political rants. I never claimed to be completely consistent in my logic.

So where do I go now? I really was almost going to let this blog die a natural death because I just wasn't motivated and I have moved onto some things in my life that I am highly excited about. It seems, however, that there are some folks out there (you know who you are) that really didn't WANT to be privy to a blog death. So here we are.

I've also contemplated letting some of the fiction plots living in my head out to play at long last. Although that isn't really blog writing. That's other writing.

So yeah, just when you think it's safe to get back in the water, here I go again. Heh heh.

Grateful and Not Dead Yet

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 08:08:00 +0000

I've blogged about gratitude before. It was about a year and a half ago, and I think it might be time to have a remix, don't you? Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I was seeing a lot of "this what I am grateful for" types of postings on facebook. I thought about doing one of those myself, but then realized that what was on my mind about gratitude extended beyond a fairly brief facebook status. It's more like a list. So let's get right on that, shall we?

First of all, may I say that I am very glad to be alive. A recent discussion has cropped up in which I had cause to remember an assortment of accidents that "should" have killed me, yet didn't. I claim no special favor from God for having been spared. I have no answer for why things happen when they do and how they do. I will say that I have had enough suckage in my life, especially in my childhood, to be able to safely say that the question of "why me" can easily be asked in both directions in my case. But yes, I am glad that I've made it to the ripe old age of fifty and am still around and in relatively good health. I am also grateful that my youthful stupidity did not leave me maimed for life, since we're on the subject.

I am also grateful for both of my kids. I feel so incredibly guilty saying this because I can think right off the top of my head of a number of people who have lost children. I do not take for granted that both my children are here with me. I am well aware of how easily life can change in a flash. Losing my father at a very young age taught me that it is not always someone else that the bad things happen to.

I am grateful for my husband. This is not something that I would have said consistently throughout our married life, because things were pretty hellish for a good chunk of said marriage. It was not for lack of trying. We were both such incredibly damaged people when we got married almost nineteen years ago. I am thankful for what God has done thus far in our lives, and I am immeasurably grateful that neither one of us gave up and quit.

I am grateful that at my late age, that it is appearing like I am going to get a second chance to work in an industry that I love again after foolishly giving up way too easily many years ago.

I am thankful that God gave me a few things that I do exceptionally well, in addition to the many, many more things that I seriously suck at.

I am grateful that God is changing me into a semi-decent person that other people actually do not run screaming into the night to escape from. Because there once was a time when I know I made other people pull out their hair.

And yes, I am thankful, especially thankful, for a lot of the basics to survival that we often take for granted in this country: food, water, shelter, relative safety. Etc.

Last but not least, I am exceedingly grateful that God chose to reveal Himself to me when I was a child and that over the years of my finding that my plans didn't work so hot, that I was finally willing to listen to Him.

I am glad that God gives second (and third. and fourth and fifth.....) chances.

What are you grateful for?

A little humble pie for Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 19:53:00 +0000

I made a reference on my facebook page as to how the past couple of years have been one long lesson in humility. The whole thing seems worthy of more than a couple of sentences worth of facebook status, so here it be in all it's unadulterated glory.

First a little backstory: I spent a goodly number of years so depressed and so hopeless that I rarely changed out of my PJs. So when I began to perk up and begin to live a little again, I got a little full of myself. Cocky even. I figured I deserved it and had paid my dues and quite truthfully, I coped with the pain of the past years by telling myself that I had reached some level of superiority character wise.

You know what they say about pride coming before a fall.

I don't know that the details are what is important. In hindsight I can see some of my own mistakes. (BIG mistakes) I can also see that the weak/blind spots of a couple of other people playing a role here as well.

After stomping my feet around for awhile and having a few people gently but firmly remind me that no, this is not God's way of telling me to know my place and that is failure, I have, figuratively speaking (and maybe literally too. More on that later) gotten back up on the horse after being thrown off. After reminding myself that what I feared was not what God has for me, I've begun to notice some good fruit from the past couple of years of unpleasantness.

Let's start with the fact that to cover up the fact that I really was afraid of screwing up that I wasn't as careful and attentive as I might have been. I figured I had identified my gifts and talents and therefore, success was assured. I'm not saying I was totally three sheets to the wind, but I wasn't as attentive as I might have been. I also kind of had an attitude that I had spent years emotionally paralyzed and unable to do much of anything (which one would think might have driven home that humility lesson. And maybe it did, but obviously not far enough) so now it was time to move on. I'm not going to say that I was unwilling to do anything of a menial nature, but I know that not so far deep down I did think that I was above all that now that I was more functional. Not really in line with what is said about servanthood, no?

So without really trying to generate it, I've noticed that I now have a much better attitude than I did before. A small price to pay, I guess, if the real goal is to grow into Christlikeness and not just acquire worldly skills.

So yes, all this time I thought that God was riding my case for the smallest little mistake, that was not really it. It's all about the humility.

The Joy of the Lord

noreply@blogger.com (Liz) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 08:36:00 +0000

I just noticed I have two more followers than I did a few days ago!!! Motivation to keep blogging!!!!

Soooo...what to write about today???? Truthfully, I started out planning on doing one of those "fifty things for fifty years" types of posts. I've seen a few of them lately.
I made it about as far as trivial piece of information #15 and gave up. It's not that there aren't lots of bits of info about me, but do you REALLY want to know it all??? I figured if it bored ME, it would definitely bore somebody else!!!

I am trying to be committed to blogging regularly. It also occurred to me that for somewhere in the past few weeks, I've found myself focusing on the here and now a lot more instead of dwelling around and navel gazing. I've managed to do some things that I have really wanted to for some time and I've noticed it spilling out into other areas. I'm getting more done. I'm spending less time mindlessly surfing the 'net. Most importantly, I'm sleeping less. Yeah, I'd been sleeping an extraordinary amount. I'd be bored and I'd think "well, gee, I may as well just SLEEP" I suppose there are worse things one could be doing. And I rationalized it all by telling myself that I was learning things from my dreams while I was asleep. (really. I did tell myself this).

I'm trying to adjust myself to the idea that good things should happen and I should enjoy life. Instead of falling into the trap of thinking that the less I enjoy something the more I am supposed to do it. On Sunday, someone passed me a note in church. The note said "I feel that God wants me to tell you that you are mistaking Him for someone else" Now, I am not one of these people that thinks everyone has a word for me all the time and that I have a word for them all the time. But that doesn't mean it can't/doesn't happen. I mulled it over. I didn't have one of those instantaneous "oh this so much fits right now" reactions to the note. More and more though, it hits me that my mother indeed did have a mindset that one is to suffer through life and mostly be miserable. And this is not what God wants for us as His children. I am sure that there are plenty of online resources for those that wish to peruse this joy of the Lord thing in more theological detail, so I'll just leave it at the idea that it is time for me to toss out some of the guilt about it and replace that with some new messages.