My Life's Sanctuary

Abismo de la Nada

2010-08-11T13:01:00.001+08:00

It’s one of the darkest nights I’ve ever encountered. In the middle of my sleep, I woke up feeling the coldness of the night. The cold wind seeps through every strand of my veins. No matter how hard I try to cover myself I can still feel it. It’s freezing me to death. A storm is coming, that’s what I can feel.

Everywhere I look, it’s gloomy. My eyes couldn’t see the surroundings. It’s blurry. My ears became deaf due to the whirling air, like a crowd of people in chaos. There’s little courage within me telling me to get up and leave but I am scared to move. I’m afraid to make things worse. Leaving would mean battling through the unknown blackness. I’m not equipped with anything. I might not be able to survive. If I stay, I will be frozen forever.

Closing my eyes, I picture out the wonderland I once built when I was a child. A wonderland made up of dreams. Way back, I thought that every posts and walls are strong enough to make it come true. A perfect place which was far cry from this sunken miserable niche.

I look around trying to confuse myself more. Though my muscles are numb I convinced myself that what’s happening is just a phase in a human’s life cycle. I close my eyes and I start to reminisce from the time that I laughed the hardest. Every sound and every feeling of yesterday seem to have fade away. I can’t get the feeling anymore. I can’t have a grasp of every tiny parts of those memories. They’ve been replaced with tears and sorrow.

The wind made a strong blow and I heard the whistling sound again. I wrapped my hands to my ears as I moved slowly gathering all my strength left. I crawled and crawled with bruises in my arms and knees like I know where to go. Deep inside I can understand that I will not go any further. Every step is a waste. I am fighting for nothing but defeat.

Before I lose my breath, I will wallow for awhile until somebody finds me laying helpless in the abyss of nothingness.

No Joke

2010-08-10T11:14:00.002+08:00

I joke. You laugh.
I tell the truth. You laugh again.
I cry because I’m in pain and you think that I’m just kidding.
I’m trying to open up but you don’t seem to believe what I’m telling you.
I get hurt too. I get scared. I can be in pain.
I can’t be all-smiles everyday.
When I’m sad.
Believe me.
Please.

Anonymously Jane

2010-08-08T10:03:00.002+08:00

Legit or not I still don’t get it.

Last night, I received a text message from someone named Jane and she’s claiming that she’s from this also-known contact center in the country. Good thing I still have the copy of our conversation on my phone. I am so willing to share everything to you.

Here's what happened:

-Missed call-
Me: Hu’s dis?
#: Is this mr. (my last name, first name)?
Me: Yes
#: Can i have your profile? this is jane from teleperformance if your interes+ed in our company.
Me: How did u get my number?
Jane: I got it from our employee last week.
Me: May i have the name of that employee please? And what position are you offering me?
Jane: (blank message)
Jane: Supervisor with a salary of 3o thou.a month if you are interested just txt me or call me.
Me: Sony is this u?
Jane: No po..so mr. (my last name) are u interested?
Me: Who referred me to u?
Jane: One of ur co employee.i will not mention name anymore,ni reffer kalang becoz ur smart and responsible in ur career..
Me: First of all, if u’r gona contact someone for a job offer or something similar to that, u have to mention the name of the referor for formality’s sake. Secondly, i dnt knw anybody who works in ur company. If u’r someone i knw, u better be honest right now becoz i dnt play games like this.
Me: And by the way, stuff like this shouldn’t be done via sms. Is there an HR during weekends? Good night and nice try =)

That’s it. Would you believe that that person is an employee of that company? Based on our conversation, there’s really no reason for me to honor her words.

The number she used to text me is a personal number that I only use to contact my high school and college friends. I have a separate number for work/business related person.
She should’ve called me instead of exchanging text messages with her not-so-intellectual choice of words. She even asked me to call her!

If this is legit, their way of doing business isn’t professional and with that alone, I chose to believe that she’s just someone trying to play a joke on me.

Whoever she is, she should know better than to just wake me up in the middle of my sleep. She might have had a hard laugh or a smile of disappointment with what happened.

If he or she’s someone I know, what he/she did isn’t a nice joke. We’re not kids anymore to be playing hide and seek.

I am so disappointed on you.

Unhealthy

2010-08-08T08:25:00.000+08:00

My feet is planted on the ground that is losing its nutrients. At first, I planned myself to be placed on a soil that I thought would make me bear fruits. I believe I did. I have a feeling that that’s the reason why they would get some of me. Oh how I love it when I see their faces satisfied with what I bore. I’m healthy. I’m nice and I look good.

Seasons changed and right now my roots wish to stretch to a more healthy soil. Unfortunately, there are circumstances that are just inescapable. That’s not absolute however because there’s a way for me to be uprooted carefully and be placed somewhere healthier.

At present, I can still drink water. I can still feel it in my veins but it’s not as sweet and as refreshing as before. I still bear fruits but I don’t think these fruits taste the same as they were previously. If I continue growing in this ground without nourishment I might end up useless.

I’m crying out loud but everyone’s ignoring me. I’m raising my drying leaves but they just won’t see.

I wonder when this present state will change. Do I have to wait til I’m all dried out? Til I can’t breathe anymore, wither and die?

What I Want

2010-08-06T15:15:00.000+08:00

I want this and I want that.
It’s like we’re never satisfied at all. The world is filled with many material things that are very pleasant to the eyes. Once we get what we want, we’ll wish for something else. It’s a never ending cycle which made me believe that we don’t know how to be contented.

When will we be contented? What will make us stop desiring earthly pleasures?
These things surely don’t compensate what we lack. They can never cover the emptiness that’s eating us whole. It’s really true that happiness can never be found on things that are temporary. Things that in any moment can be destroyed and can be taken away from us.

My greatest sin is vanity. I am truly aware of this. But just like you, I am human too. It’s hard to let go of what I’m used to. All that I want is to be happy with what I have yet I still don’t get that feeling.

Life on earth is a temporary journey. They said that life-after-earth is what’s significant. With never ending needs and wants, are we prepared for the next life? With too much love for my own self, will I be able to live a life of total selflessness?

To contemplate before we act is what we should do. To focus on eternal happiness and not earthly pleasure would surely make this life’s journey worthwhile. That’s where I’m going. Little by little I am walking. Slowly I’m trying to let go of of my unwanted wants. I’m trying. I’m doing everything to at least minimize my obsession over material things and I’m on it. Let’s all do this hand in hand.

Admit It

2010-08-04T04:21:00.000+08:00

What we often lack is honesty. Honesty to ourselves and honesty to what we feel. I guess that's where we should start if we would want to be honest to other people as well.

We should learn how to embrace the facts of life. If we're lonely let's be sad. If we're happy then let's be gay. If we’re in love then show it. We should stop fooling ourselves by trying to replace what we feel with something else.

People at times would pretend that they're happy although they're going through tough times. They would try to think happy thoughts but it’s not gonna change anything. What lies deep inside is the truth. The surface might be calm but right underneath it's broken.

Reality would slap you in the face but you would choose to ignore it. You try to be positive because you're hoping that somehow it'll change - although you know that not a thing will change. What a waste!

What I'm trying to say is that let's start being true! Let's accept what we feel and what is real. Let's not try to change our mood if we really can't. Stop saying things you don’t mean. Don’t hide behind a clown face. A mantra wouldn't change your state of mind. It'll just bring a lot of frustration in the end. Love your emotion be it negative or positive. Instead of saying "I'm ok" or I'll be fine" be strong and say "I'm sad I need your help" or “I need to be alone”, instead of "It's not happening!" admit it and say that "It is happening!".

‘Cause I really hate it when people try to hide their brokenness by saying positive stuff.

How are you?

2010-08-02T12:09:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I visited this place so I want to ask "How are you?".
Just like meeting an old friend, I want to know what happened since the last time I updated this page.

My page is still as empty as before with few visitors. A sign that for so many months, my head was stripped with ideas and stuff to write. Not true.

I decided to do some changes and I started with my blog template. It's quite refreshing and I love looking at it. I might as well import some of the entries I have in my other site and change my blog title because for me, it sucks now. It's not yet final though. There are still a lot of things I need to consider but I'll try not to post too much photos or videos here. This has always been the mirror of my day-to-day feelings. This time, I would like to take control of everything that will be posted here-all coming from me.

Lately I've been feeling a little more like this page. Empty. Barren. Pointless. No direction.

Tired as always been for trying to figure out where to go, I always end up lost, scared and worried. There's something I want but I'm not sure what that is. I hope it's just as easy as changing this page's template. But it ain't like that.

I have a lot of issues in life but I make sure that I deal with every single bit of those. The problem is I just start but don't finish. I plan but don't act.

Sometimes I wonder If I'm the only person in this world who's experiencing this type of dilemma but I'm sure that there are a lot out there. I just wish that I can share with them what I'm going through right now. Misery loves company indeed.

Anyway, this is how life works and it isn't unfair at all. We all go through something then eventually get out of it. It may take a long time but definitely nothing can be left undone. It's just a matter of deciding what color, what style or what kind of template you would want to view your life just like with what I did to this page.

So there you go. That's me today.

How about you? How are you?"

2009-12-15T04:52:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think i saw you at the train station, or at the bus stop, at the mall while i was walking with my friends. perhaps we've already met it's just that we were both shy. i think you're everywhere, but where exactly are you?

i'm not okay

2009-12-15T04:48:00.002+08:00

this is what i feel right now. empty stomach, sleepless eyes, active mosquitoes and noisy souls everywhere. i was hoping that coffee would make me survive the day but unfortunately, i just couldn't take it. it's not hot anymore and my stomach feels like sh*t.

after few hours of partying this is what i got.

THE LAST SONG

2009-12-01T04:37:00.001+08:00

The Last Song is an upcoming movie based on Nicholas Sparks' novel by the same name. It's his first film screenplay to be brought to film.
It stars Miley Cyrus as the lead character. A movie that will introduce her to older audiences. This was supposed to be released on January 8, 2010 but was moved to April 8, 2010.

The movie's about a 17-year old Veronica "Ronnie" Miller (Miley chose this name, FYI) whose parents got divorced and because of this she became distant and rebellious. She was sent to her father whom she never spoke with for 3 years, to spend the summer with him. There she was betrayed and arrested however, she managed to reconnect with her father through the one thing they love - music and found love with Will Blakelee played by Liam Hemsworth whom she never thought she would fall for.

catch me

2009-11-28T09:48:00.001+08:00

not a love hater anymore

2009-11-23T22:47:00.001+08:00

gone are the days when i used to hate love. i've always been a believer that it's something that wouldn't give me any good. i am resistant and hesitant. i oftentimes believe that it's just a superficial feeling.

maybe i've loved. perhaps i loved myself more than anybody else. maybe i was there but i chose not to consider it. Or I guess, i was too immature before. i think i was jealous that there are people out there who are somebody's somebody.

i got tired of hating love. it's just now that i realized how gloomy and heavy it is to carry. love can't be negative. love is real and it is everywhere. it's in my housemate and her fiance, my friend and her boyfriend, with my parents who made me out of love. It is a lovely feeling when felt purely and given wholly.

the path to loving someone is just a step away. i may not be prepared of what might happen but i'll be fine. i'm willing to take the risk. i bet it's now time that i smile, laugh or cry because of love. i have long been caged into loving nobody but me. I'm glad that i've broken down the walls surrounding my little world of hatred towards love.

and now, i got to find somebody to love.

Is there somebody who still believes in love?
I know you're out there

Boys Like Girls: LOVE DRUNK

2009-11-07T07:46:00.002+08:00

When I heard that they will be releasing a new album, I was totally stoked! I made a lot of search online: the tracks that'll be included, the album cover and the people they've worked with for this second phase of their musical career.

At last, Love Drunk was released September 7, 2009 and I was lucky enough that the website I usually download songs from had a complete copy of the tracks. Yeah, call me a thief i don't mind. Martin Johnson doesn't mind either. According to him, "if you downloaded it illegally or burnt it from a friend, that’s ok too. i would much rather you have this record for free than not at all, and i’ve learned to accept the way most modern music is acquired." and I so admire him for his better understanding about this. I do check on his blog everyday. The album is one track shorter than their first album but 1 min and 22 secs longer in duration. the album cover is quite glossy though.

The songs that caught my attention are: go, someone like you and two is better than one (a duet with Taylor Swift). These songs did not actually justify their punk-rock style but these sure are nice ballads. Johnson really knows how to throw his voice. He sounds great when he sings ballad specially the way he shifts his tenor to falsetto.

The rest of the tracks are made up of danceable beats, hummable melodies and chorus chants. They're more like Bon Jovi-ish this time. The thing that makes this album better than the first one is that the lyrics are more mature and that they have moved on from their teenage-related experiences. For this one, most of the listeners can relate to the songs no matter how old or young you are. But what the heck? Why should I compare the two when both came from the same boys I admire and look up to.

i don't give an F!

2009-11-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

my feelings...

my confusion...

your glance...

your carresses...

you left...

you're gone..

LET IT RAIN

2009-11-05T19:36:00.000+08:00

Every little tear I was scared to cry

Everything I feared but I kept inside

I don't wanna hold it back one more day

Oh wash it away

Every tiny thought clouding up my head

Every single word that I never said

I refuse to feel ashamed
LET IT RAIN

sunrise

2009-11-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

i've already waken up from a very deep sleep... the sun is almost up and my feeling's getting better.

SUNSET

2009-11-04T07:22:00.000+08:00

i was so down these past few days..been keeping a lot of pain inside..got no one to talk to...i can't even explain why i'm feeling that way..

it was one of those days that somebody came like a sunrise..i was blinded by the light...thought he was beautiful..i was blinded by everything hat he has done to me...i should've never thought that way..i should've learned from my past...but i was..i guess dumb that i did not figure out that i'm on the same place i' ve been before.

like the sunrise i thought something different will happen..well as what i expected...not everything that started beautiful lasts..

i can't stare at the rising sun..i'll be blinded by it's light....

it's better to watch the sunset...it makes me see that another page of my life is ending..just like the sunset..everything's fading away..the hurt..misconception and all the pain that brought all this loneliness..

and by night time..my soul will be at rest...

when the sun rises...i'll be whole again..

D.O.N.E.

2009-10-20T01:39:00.001+08:00

i don’t have any freakin’ idea why you came but you sure did make me feel different in so many ways.
not that i enjoyed every bit of what we had but everything was unexpected.
i knew there was something in the way you looked at me.
when our eyes met i feared that it might lead us to somewhere, somehow.
i remained untouched though. i stayed strong for i have this feeling that if i’ll give in, i’d get lost.
i was afraid to take a risk..but what is there to take? i didn’t know what you want. i never knew the reason behind your touch or your glance but it’s a far cry from those that i got from other people. i can’t read minds and i don’t want to speculate. your actions might’ve screamed the answer to my questions but i chose to ignore them.
it’s like i like you but i don’t want you at all.
you added up to my confusion just so you know but i’m glad everything’s through.
there were reasons why i hated you and there were little things i am thankful for.
you left and that made me happy. the battle’s over..and i want to thank you for seeing me when i was invisible..

i'm so disgusted with myself...

2009-09-28T22:36:00.000+08:00

i feel so embarrassed with what had happened last saturday. embarrassed not because i was wet and i was walking in a not-so-flooded area along pasong tamo, but because what others experienced was far more worse than mine. i was complaining that i'm wet and my shoes are soaking in water. i cursed the rain. i was whining while walking until i saw what's going on on the television..until i heard my housemate's story about her own experience in batasan, quezon city. other people were staying on their rooftop, other's swam on the flood, others were cold and wet and hungry and thirsty...and i was one lucky person if i would think of it. who was i to complain? did i go thru all of that?! i was able to eat. i got a nice sleep. it's like nothing really happened to me when i got home. just like a normal rainy day. there i was frustrated when in fact there are other people who should be more frustrated.

i feel sorry for all the victims of Ondoy. i thank God that my family's safe but i am extremely sad about the condition of other Filipino. My prayer goes to all of them...

Rainy days always get me down

2009-09-09T02:24:00.000+08:00

rainy days bring out all the worst in me.

i hate walking in a wet pavement. imagine yung putik na tumatalsik sa suot mo habang papasok ng trabaho. you have to bring your umbrella and have to make sure na you'll not get wet! ako kasi konting basa lang ng ulan nagkakasipon at lagnat na kagad.

right now i am sick. i have colds and fever. i badly need to take a rest. I can't be sick, so i drank 2000 mg of vitamin C yesterday thinking that it was just ok and that would make me feel better. instead, i wasn't able to sleep and my head hurt. because of that, i blamed the rain. if it did not rain, then i would've not gone sick!

i miss the sun...i miss the heat.. i miss walking in a dry ground. will this rain ever stop?

No money, still happy!

2009-09-04T21:48:00.000+08:00

It's very difficult for me to save money. I've been working for almost three years now yet I've not saved even just a single cent out of the salary i'm getting.

I have to admit that I am now counting down til the next pay day because I've slashed all my cash for some expenses. so i have to stay away from malls and from other places that would require me to spend money since I might overspend.

But I failed...

Yesterday morning I went to the mall with my friend Karen (my mall buddy). We got so dizzy because almost all items were on sale. Indeed temptation is everywhere and we ended up buying stuff.

With the help of my advantage card, we were able to at least save some of our cash because aside from the discount they offered on selected items, there's another 10% discount.

We both are having issues in saving money. We both love shopping as well. Sometimes I want to stay away from her 'cause she's my kryptonite! But what can I do, I always enjoy my time with her and with the mall!

Money can be earned but a friend like Karen? Nay!
Even if we don't have money we still enjoyed the day.

too much of something is bad

2009-09-03T00:56:00.000+08:00

minsan nakakaasar pag lagi na lang..

pag sunod-sunod..

kahit hindi naman bibigay...

ganun parin...

kahit konting ano lang..

nilalagay parin..

minsan sumusobra na talaga..

okay lang sana kung marami e..

pero di naman gaano..

hindi pa naman bagyo..

ilalagay na kagad..

dyosme..wag ka magpanic..

cool ka lang!

It's very Pretty and Odd at the same time.

2009-08-29T21:39:00.000+08:00

I just found out last wednesday that Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left the band Panic at the Disco on July 6, 2009 due to musical differences.

Ryan and Jon formed a new band The Young Veins, a Beatles-type band while the other two remaining members Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith will still continue being Panic! at the Disco. Yes, they reinserted the exclamation point into it's name.

I'm still going to be a PATD fan and I'll be waiting for Ryan's new band. I'm expecting their sound to be something like Pretty. Odd.

The news made me feel bad. I couldn't believe it. The last time I checked their website they're working on their third album. It made me "Mad as Rabbits" but it'll get away soon.

dots...

2009-08-21T12:36:00.000+08:00

it's been so long.
i'm locked up inside a jar.
i've been trying to break free
but i am so weak.
there are things i want to tell the world
but i just can't find the right words.

there's a hole in my head
that i want to cover.
i am longing for something
that i am really not certain of.
what am i lacking?
that's the question i'm asking.

i feel empty.
i want to be whole again.
i don't know what or who can fill me in.

ALL I EVER WANTED: Kelly Clarkson

2009-04-01T04:48:00.004+08:00

After the drama that happened with "My December", Kelly Clarkson resurfaced with a new album. for me it's just a generic pop album but it showcases Kelly's megawatt vocal range. " All I Ever Wanted" is her fourth studio album that was released on March 6, 2009. it's under the same team that worked on her "Since U Been Gone" single. these people really know how to put her on top after the big fall she had in doing her previous let-me-do-my-own-thing album.

When the first single "My Life Would Suck Without You" was released last January, it made another history in the music scene by jumping from 97 to the number one position on the Billboard Hot 100,making it the largest leap to number one ever.

Musicians like Katy Perry and Ryan Tedder contirbuted some of their songs. "I Do Not Hook Up"--which will be the second single. it'll be released to radio on April 13, 2009, and "Long Shot". Ryan's "Already Gone" sounds like the song "Halo" which was performed by Beyonce. (what would you expect? he also wrote it hahaha)

"If I Can't Have You" has an intro similar to Miley Cyrus' "7 Things". Other tracks were like recycled from her previous albums, but still, they allowed Kelly's voice to extend as far as it can go. all the songs sound great because of the vocals.

TRACK LIST:
1.My Life Would Suck Without You
2. I Do Not Hook Up
3. Cry
4. Don't Let Me Stop You
5. All I Ever Wanted
6. Already Gone
7. If I Can't Have You
8. Save You
9. Whyyawannabringmedown
10. Long Shot
11. Impossible
12. Ready
13. I Want You
14. If No One Will Listen

the track that first caught my attention is "Cry", a great ballad with emotional lyrics. An expansive piece that gives Kelly the chance to give her chords a workout. It's the most soaring vocal performance on the album.

My second favorite is "Don't Let Me Stop You" which is very pop-rockish. i must admit that I banged my head when i first heard this song.

"Whyyawannabringmedown" is my least favorite. the title maybe catchy but i think it's just nonsense.

This album brought back the artist's sanity after showing off her side with her "My December" album-which was a major failure according to many reviews. (I have that album and i think it's okay. she's just being herself! i can't see any problem with that!)

For me, this is just a stereotyped pop album..nothing new..same old Kelly. BTW, i don't like the album cover...it's soooo glossy!