My Little Corner of Cyberspace

AC360 - Mich. Asst. Attorney General Andrew Shirvell Targets Gay Student...

2010-09-29T20:21:00.003-07:00

I'm pleased to see that Anderson Cooper is defending Chris Armstrong. I truly believe Andrew Shirvell has a screw loose somewhere. I hate to see anyone fired, but this man needs to be STOPPED!

Saturday Moring 'Processing'

2010-09-25T10:08:00.005-07:00

Originally posted on September 25, 2010, I subsequently removed this post when I was re-hired by this employer in October of 2010. As I left their employ again (this time of my own accord) in July of 2011, I feel it's safe to re-post once again...

I'm feeling quite like a yuppie this morning. I'm sitting in a Starbucks drinking my venti (Italian for "Large") iced Chai latte and eating a slice of iced lemon pound cake. In about five minutes I should be high on caffeinated tea and shitfaced on sugar--all the better to compose!

Being jobless for nearly six months has taken its toll. I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm hoping if I just make it through the day I can crash early this evening and return to a semi-normal sleep schedule.

I'm fighting depression, but my fear of rejection and the thought of an interview makes me nauseous. I've nearly become socially phobic--that is to say I begin to panic around large crowds and have to leave in order to catch my breath.

I have done this to myself. I've let my fear of the unknown get the best of me. What lies at the heart of my anguish is that I was replaced the day after I was let go from my job. While so many have been victims of a rif, I was simply replaced. I was told my job was being out sourced and that I was no longer needed (all flat out LIES). I did receive two weeks severance and my unused vacation pay. I was even told by my superiors that I could use them as a reference for future employment (and yes, it'll be a cold day in hell before I do!)

Less than three months before I was laid off I applied for position with another department. Initially I was offered the position--which I accepted and was told I would receive a small hourly increase. While management had a meeting to discuss who would take over my current job duties, a heated discussion ensued. My superiors argued that I was too valued in my present position to be let go to another department. The end result was that the position I had accepted was eliminated. I was then told by management and the Human Resources director how valued I was by my co-workers and the clients I supported. While I did not initially ask about the proposed raise (less than two dollars per hour), I did politely inquire about the increase a few days later--requesting a copy of the inquiry be placed in my personnel file. I was told a few days later that I would not be receiving the increase after all.

I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I became quite bitter after this and was pretty vocal about it amongst my co-workers and friends. Eliminating the position was one thing but to not honor a small hourly increase was a real punch in the gut. If they wanted me to stay in my current position why couldn't they give me a small incentive to do so?

A week or so before I was laid off management was in a series of closed door meetings with parties unknown to me. At the time I thought nothing of it. Looking back I now realize they were interviewing for my position right under my very nose.

When I was first told I was being let go I was so blindsided by the news that I couldn't think straight. All I heard was: "Your job is being outsourced." Quite honestly my only thought was to pack my shit and get the hell outta there before I broke down. I kept saying over and over to myself: "Ok, focus Jon. Get some boxes, pack your stuff and get out NOW."

Oh, the things I wish I'd had the foresight to say! The things I wish I'd said that still haunt my dreams:

Less than three months ago you needed me so badly you wouldn't let me leave this department. What the hell happened between now and then? Were you lying to me then or are you lying now?
You can't run this department with two employees--we're far too busy! Do you want to tell me the REAL reason you're letting me go?

I know they're paying my replacement more money. No one would accept the position I had for the amount of money I was being paid.

I know I need to put this all behind me and simply move on. However, I feel like I'm in a state of constant limbo that never ends. I need some sort of resolution so I can put this behind me.

While thousands of people have lost jobs they can say: "My company can't afford to keep me. This is happening to so many people--it's out of my control. I can accept that." What rings in my head is: "What did I do WRONG? Who did I piss off? Who was out to get me? What's wrong with the job I did? Wasn't I good enough?" I know in my logical mind that I shouldn't take this personally, but wouldn't you if you were in my position? Had this been a true lay off, it would have been so much easier to accept. I could say: "It's out of my control." and move on just like everyone else who's been down this sad road before me.

My first job while I was still in high school was cleaning my church. That was thirty years ago. Since then I've had roughly twenty jobs all of which have lasted just under five years. (Some I chose to leave, some the choice was made for me.) I'm nearly fifty years old and I feel like I'm back to square one--no better off than I was when I was in my early twenties. Yes I've gained quite a lot of experience over the years but busting my ass hasn't gotten me any further up the financial food chain. To be honest, I'm tired. I know life is about continually moving forward--starting over, but shouldn't I have done that already? Am I here now because I made poor choices in the past? Is my employment karma bad?

I know I'm whining. I need a good swift kick in the ass (maybe in a way I'm kicking my own ass by writing this blog.) I've never been one to move forward without out momentarily looking back to say: "What have I learned from this? What am I taking away from this as I attempt to move forward?" My best friend calls this processing. Guess you could say I'm in processing HELL right now! LOL! Thanks for letting me vent. I think I feel better! LOVE YOU JKK! ENJOY YOUR SATURDAY!!!

My thoughts on Aleksandr Voinov & Kate Cotoner's "The Lion of Kent"

2010-09-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

The Lion of Kent by Aleksandr Voinov

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

My introduction to Aleksandr Voinov & Kate Cotoner's The Lion of Kent has simply left me wanting more! I have fallen in love with William Raven and must now read Deliverance from Forbidden Love ASAP.

I love William for his pride, humility, loyalty, devotion, and honor. He is a true Knight in every sense of the word and the epitome of masculine chivalry. His devotion and willingness to lay down his life for his lord and master, Sir Robert is breathtaking.

I thoroughly enjoyed this novella. My only complaint is I wish it could have been a full-fledged novel.

More William, please, Aleks & Kate!

View all my reviews

Comments on "Strawberries for Dessert" by Marie Sexton

2010-09-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Strawberries for Dessert by Marie Sexton

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I'm new to reading M/M romance and I'm so glad I chose Strawberries for Dessert as one of my first reads. There have been some excellent reviews thus far so I'd like to tell you what this book meant to me.

Strawberries for Dessert spoke to me on so many levels:

* I'm a Jonathan, so I loved having a character named "Jon"

* My Mother's maiden name was Cole - What a great name for a guy!

* I've lived in Phoenix for the past decade - Great setting choice!

* I lost my job 3 months ago so my heart ached for Jon's loss.

Beyond that, I'm glad the book stands alone as I've not yet read the previous novels. I did wonder why Jon thinks of Zach so much, but now it all makes sense.

I couldn't put this one down and nearly read it straight through. I lost some sleep but I can sleep when I'm dead! I love a book when it's this engrossing.

Thanks to Marie Sexton for an excellent read! Can't wait to dive into her other novels.

View all my reviews

OPEN TO LOVE

2010-09-20T02:21:00.001-07:00

An opportunity gone

A door finally closed

Path ahead still unknown

Still searching

Waiting for a sign

Where from here?

What next?

Empty soul still praying for a home

And a heart that longs to soar

Older now

How many chances left?

Is this all there is?

Peggy Lee sings: “Then let’s keep dancing”

But where is my partner?

Too long I’ve waited

Time wasted

Hope spent

Chances not taken

Regret looms large

Where is the healing?

Where the peace?

Where the top of the hill…the safe haven…the place I can rest?

Hope does not spring eternal

And sleep brings no rest

How do you turn off your mind?

Trying to be patient

Open to change

Open to new beginnings

Open to LOVE

JBH 8/16/10

I've been reading...

2010-09-19T15:05:00.009-07:00


Gordon Merrick

I've recently discovered M/M romance novels. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer volume of books, e books, and websites dedicated to this awesome genre. I'm exploring new authors and marking books 'to be read' on Goodreads faster than I thought possible.

When I was a teenager in the early eighties, I haphazardly discovered Gordon Merrick's The Lord Won't Mind at a Walden's bookstore. I'll never forget the flush that come over me when I realized this was a gay novel, albeit pulp fiction. As I approached the checkout, I silently prayed the clerk would NOT look too closely at the book I was purchasing which I'd conveniently stacked between a safe book and a magazine (a mere afterthought so as not to bring attention to my real, intended purchase.)

I rode the bus home that Saturday afternoon, sitting in the back in an attempt to avoid bringing any attention to myself. I was determined to read the book as quickly as possible. Here was my introduction to the Peter & Charlie Trilogy. Oh how I loved TLWM and the two books that followed: One for the Gods, and Forth into Light. Not only was there love and romance between two men, but some pretty steamy sex scenes to boot. My teenage imagination ran wild with delight hoping I might one day find my own Charlie and be nicknamed 'Slugger' just like Peter had been in the novels.

In reality, I was terrified my parents would find the books and I would be outed so I did something every book lover will hate me for: I secretly stuffed the books in the trash on my way to school. To this day, the memory of having thrown away my first introduction to gay m/m writing breaks my heart. How could I? Of course in recent years I've found used copies of the same editions, but in truth they're not quite the same. They're not the books I'd purchased myself...the ones I'd cried over, the ones that made me ache with longing for my own romance...the ones I'd stayed up late into the night reading because I couldn't bring myself to put them down...sigh.

In my early twenties and thirties I discovered great gay authors that I would come to love: David Leavitt, Armistead Maupin and Paul Monette to name a few. While I enjoyed these authors immensely, what I still longed for was straight-ahead gay romance. Yeah, I know I'm sappy. I cry at movies, TV commercials and Hallmark cards, but I'm not a hopeless romantic, I'm a hopeful romantic.

Now I feel like a kid in a candy store trying to decide which chocolate I should try first! I had no idea the market had exploded with so many M/M authors in recent years. So why am I wasting time writing this blog when there are books to be read? See you later guys!

2004-10-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

Alexandre Despatie...ooo la la

And so it begins...

2004-10-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

The picture above of Alexandre Despatie (Canadian Olympic Diver) really makes me :-)

This is my first real blog entry. I'm not sure what I have to say as of yet, but this is a start...

I'm hoping this is more than a Journal/Diary. I hope to explore thoughts and ideas rather than bore you with my notations of daily life.

It's cooled off considerably this week. (So much so that I'm wearing long sleeves again.) I LOVE this time of year in AZ! Chilly in the morning but really nice by the afternoon.

One of my favorite quotes

2004-10-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

"One writes not to be read but to breathe...one writes to think, to pray, to analyze. One writes to clear one's mind, to dissipate one's fears, to face one's doubts, to look at one's mistakes--in order to retrieve them. One writes to capture and crystallize one's joy, but also to disperse one's gloom. Like prayer--you go to it in sorrow more than joy, for help, a road back to grace."

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

War Within & Without - Diaries and Letters: 1939-1944