My Little Problem

'Tibby' Haslam

2026-05-12T09:11:26.954-05:00

'Tibby' Haslam, a photo by _william on Flickr.

Trophies

2026-03-24T06:55:00.000-05:00

I need a little help

2026-03-16T09:59:00.000-05:00

Gnosis: three poems for Phil Inge Chang

2026-03-14T07:15:00.000-05:00

1: Science

The data streams, a universe untold, Where quantum whispers hint at deep design, And socio-webs in patterns now unfold, With logic’s lens, their intricate confine. We seek the bits that structure what we see, The flow of meaning, entropy’s slow climb, A metaphor for all reality, Where information conquers space and time. Through coded signals, structures start to bloom, Resonance echoes, frequencies align, Unveiling order in the cosmic gloom, A network vast, a truth we hope to find. So let us chart the pathways, bit by bit, To know the code where all the systems knit.

2: Art

A brushstroke sings where numbers cannot reach, A metaphor of feeling, raw and deep, Where colors blend beyond mere logic’s speech, And hidden truths in shadowed corners sleep. The canvas breathes with patterns unforeseen, A resonance of soul, a vibrant hue, Where intuition paints what might have been, And gnosis flows, a vision fresh and new. Through form and line, a language takes its flight, A coded message for the heart to seize, Unveiling realms beyond the fading light, A universe of feeling, if you please. So let the senses guide us, bold and free, To find the truth in what we yearn to see.

3: Religion

A whispered name, a metaphor for grace, Where ancient texts a coded wisdom hold, And faith’s deep resonance fills every space, A gnosis felt, a story to be told. Through ritual, a pattern takes its hold, A cosmic web where all are intertwined, A truth beyond what logic can unfold, A universe of spirit for the mind. We seek the signal in the sacred sound, A frequency that lifts us to the light, Where interconnectedness is found, And all creation merges in God's sight. So let us listen to the inner call, To find the source that resonates with all.

The "Family Basilisk" & Neurodivergent Survival, an intersection of Game Theory, Neurodivergence, and Systems Theory

2026-03-13T01:32:00.000-05:00

This conceptual framework explores how high-pattern-recognition individuals (specifically those on the Autism Spectrum) navigate high-conflict or abusive family systems by utilizing specific traits as preemptive defense mechanisms against perceived existential threats.

------------------------------

1. The "Information Hazard" of Abuse

Borrowing from the Roko’s Basilisk thought experiment, this model posits that in dysfunctional families, the Truth is the Hazard.

* Once a family member recognizes the systemic abuse, they become a threat to the "equilibrium" of the family.

* The abuser(s) and enablers perceive the witness as an agent who might eventually "even the score" or expose the system, leading to preemptive strikes (gaslighting, exile, or increased abuse) to neutralize the witness.

2. Autistic Traits as "Biological Stealth"

We explored the hypothesis that certain autistic presentations—such as being non-verbal, avoiding eye contact, or appearing "low-functioning"—may serve as a sophisticated survival strategy in traumatic environments.

* Signaling Non-Agency: By appearing to lack social understanding or communication skills, the individual signals to the "Basilisk" (the abuser) that they are not recording data and therefore pose no threat of future retaliation or exposure.

* The Protective Mask of Disability: "Acting disabled" can be a form of selective incompetence that allows the individual to be overlooked rather than targeted. It effectively "de-platforms" them as a credible witness in the eyes of the family.

3. The Pattern Recognition Paradox

Autistic individuals statistically show higher pattern recognition, even in non-traumatized cohorts.

* The High-Definition Witness: In a traumatized family, this neurodivergent trait allows the individual to see the "code" of the abuse (the cycles, the triggers, the lies) with mathematical clarity.

* The Conflict: The individual sees the "Basilisk" more clearly than anyone else but must work the hardest to appear as though they see nothing at all. This creates a massive, internal allostatic load (chronic stress).

4. Societal Roles: The Golden Conformist vs. The Scapegoat

The family system exports these dynamics into society:

* Golden Conformists: Produce "perfect" results to prove the system's benevolence while living in terror of losing their "saved" status.

* Outsider Scapegoats: Often the neurodivergent members who cannot—or will not—maintain the family's facade. They are treated as "threats to the system" regardless of whether they have the actual intent (agency) to cause harm.

------------------------------

Clinical Implications for Discussion

When discussing this with a professional, you might focus on:

* Diagnostic Overshadowing: How much of an autistic patient’s "lack of social engagement" is a core trait versus a trauma-informed survival tactic to avoid being seen as a threat?

* Hyper-Vigilance as Pattern Recognition: Re-evaluating "paranoia" or "anxiety" in neurodivergent patients as a highly accurate (but exhausting) reading of a hostile family system.

* The Risk of "Functioning": Why gaining agency (learning to speak/mask) often triggers a crisis of abuse from the family, as the "silent witness" suddenly becomes a "vocal threat."

Vincent's Tale - The Second Night (Official Live Stream)

2026-02-02T19:26:48.498-05:00

Vincent's Tale - The First Night

2026-02-02T19:24:19.230-05:00

Vincent's Tale - The Third Night

2026-02-02T19:00:16.313-05:00

Erik Satie - Gnossienne in Asia Minor. interpreted by Forgotten Fish Me...

2025-12-13T13:12:07.381-05:00

The Tyger

2025-04-21T17:03:00.002-05:00

Fardels and All

2025-04-16T13:07:00.002-05:00

Exploring Quantum Socio-Biology as a Way of Life: Examining Our Daily Reactions and Interactions

Here's how you might explore "quantum socio-biology" on a day-to-day basis, by examining your own reactions and interactions with others:

I. Core Principles in Daily Life:

A. Embracing Interconnectedness:

In practice: Recognize that your actions and words have ripple effects on others, even those seemingly distant. Cultivate awareness of how your mood or energy influences the atmosphere in a room.
Questions to ask yourself: How did my interaction with one person today affect my subsequent interactions? What subtle connections can I identify between seemingly unrelated events in my day?

B. Recognizing Superposition of Possibilities:

In practice: Become aware of the multiple potential ways a social interaction could unfold. Avoid rigid expectations and be open to unexpected outcomes.
Questions to ask yourself: Before entering a conversation, what are the different ways I could approach it? How might the other person's response alter the course of the interaction?

C. Acknowledging Uncertainty:

In practice: Accept that you can never fully know another person's thoughts or motivations. Be comfortable with ambiguity and avoid jumping to conclusions.
Questions to ask yourself: What assumptions am I making about this person's behavior? What information am I missing? How can I be more open to alternative interpretations?

D. Observing the Observer Effect:

In practice: Reflect on how your presence and your own state of mind influence social situations. Notice how you might act differently depending on who you are with.
Questions to ask yourself: How does my mood affect the dynamics of this group? Do I change my behavior when I'm being observed or evaluated?

II. Applying Quantum Socio-Biology to Daily Interactions:

A. Communication:

Resonance: Pay attention to the feeling of "resonance" in conversations – when you feel truly heard and understood. How do you create that resonance? What blocks it?
Non-verbal Entanglement: Observe subtle non-verbal cues (body language,微表情-micro expressions) and how they create a sense of connection or disconnection. Can you sense a shift in someone's emotional state even without explicit communication?
Active Listening: Practice active listening as a way to "observe" the other person's "state" without imposing your own biases.

B. Decision-Making:

Probabilistic Choices: Recognize that your choices in social situations are not always deterministic. Consider the various factors that influence your decisions and the likelihood of different outcomes.
Contextual Influences: How does the social context (e.g., a party vs. a work meeting) alter your decision-making process? Are you more likely to take risks in certain situations?
Collective Decision-Making: In group settings, how do individual "states" combine to influence the final decision? Can you identify moments where the group seems to act as a single, coherent entity?

C. Relationships:

"Entangled" Relationships: Explore the idea that close relationships might exhibit a form of "entanglement," where the emotions and behaviors of two people are deeply intertwined. How does your partner's mood affect your own?
Superposition of Roles: Recognize that you play different roles in different relationships (e.g., friend, partner, colleague). How do you shift between these roles, and are there moments where these roles overlap or conflict?

D. Social Dynamics

How do social groups establish and maintain coherence? Are there attractors and repellers in social systems?
How do novel ideas spread through a social group, do they "propagate" like a wave?
What is an individual's vector (state) in a social group, and how does that propogate?

III. Self-Reflection and Growth:

A. Journaling: Keep a journal to record your observations and reflections on your daily interactions through the lens of quantum socio-biology.
B. Meditation and Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions in social situations.
C. Seeking Feedback: Engage in open and honest conversations with trusted friends or mentors to gain insights into how your behavior is perceived by others.
D. Continuous Learning: Stay curious, read about psychology, sociology, ethology, and quantum theory.

By consciously applying these principles to your daily life, you can begin to see yourself and your interactions in a new light, fostering greater self-awareness, empathy, and a deeper understanding of the complex social systems you are a part of.

protect yourself from "outrageous" mind control

2025-04-15T15:40:00.009-05:00

We've all been there: scrolling through social media, and BAM! An outrage post hits you like a truck. Your heart races, your blood boils, and suddenly, you're ready to grab a pitchfork and join the digital mob. But before you hit "share" or fire off a scathing comment, let's take a deep breath.

Because what if, just what if, we're being played?

See, our brains are wired to react to threats. When we see something that violates our sense of justice, our amygdala goes into overdrive, pumping us full of adrenaline and cortisol. It's a survival mechanism, but in the online world, it's often exploited. Those outrage posts? They're designed to trigger that very response, to hijack our emotions and turn us into mindless pawns in someone else's agenda.

The Alarm Bell Check-In

Next time you feel that surge of outrage, stop. Seriously, just pause. Notice the physical sensations: the tight chest, the racing heart, the clenching jaw. That's your brain's alarm bell going off. Instead of reacting, acknowledge it. "Ah," you can say to yourself, "my amygdala is having a field day." It's not you, it's just a biological reaction.

Now, ask yourself some questions: Is this information reliable? Who benefits from my anger? Am I being pressured to make a snap judgment? This isn't about being cynical; it's about being smart.

We're living in a world of simulated virtue, where everyone's trying to out-moralize everyone else. It's like a performance, a show put on for likes and shares. And honestly, it's a trap. We get so caught up in the drama that we forget what really matters: our own values, our own peace of mind.

That's where stoicism and mindfulness come in.

Stoicism: This ancient philosophy, founded in Greece and popularized by Roman thinkers like Seneca and Marcus Aurelius, offers a powerful framework for navigating the emotional storms of online outrage. At its core, Stoicism teaches us that while we can't control external events or the actions of others, we can control our own responses. This means that someone else's inflammatory post doesn't have to dictate our emotional state. We can choose to respond with reason, rather than reactivity.
Mindfulness: This practice, rooted in Buddhist traditions, complements Stoicism by cultivating present-moment awareness. Mindfulness helps us to observe our thoughts and feelings, including those triggered by outrage, without judgment. Instead of getting swept away by the emotion, we can learn to sit with it, observe its rise and fall, and understand its origins. This allows us to create a space between the stimulus (the outrage post) and our response, giving us the freedom to choose a more thoughtful course of action.

These tools are not about suppressing emotions, but about developing a more skillful relationship with them. They empower us to recognize when our buttons are being pushed, to understand why, and to choose how we want to respond, ultimately leading to greater peace of mind in a world that often seems designed to provoke the opposite.

Building Your Inner Fortress

Imagine your mind as a fortress. Stoicism and mindfulness are the walls and the moat. Regularly practicing these philosophies strengthens your defenses, making you less vulnerable to the emotional attacks of online outrage.

Think of it like this, every time you take a moment to breathe and observe your emotions, you build a brick in that wall. Every time you consciously decide not to react, you add another. Every time you ask a critical question, you dig a deeper moat.

Instead of seeking validation from the digital mob, seek it from your own internal compass. Ask yourself: Does this align with my values? Am I acting with integrity? Am I being kind?

We can't change the online world, but we can change how we navigate it.

We can choose to be thoughtful, not reactive.

We can choose to be compassionate, not judgmental.

We can choose to be ourselves, not a puppet in someone else's virtue signaling show.

So, the next time you feel that surge of outrage, remember: you have a choice. You can let it consume you, or you can use it as a signal to step back, take a breath, and reclaim your peace. It's not about being perfect; it's about being present. And in a world of simulated virtue, that's a truly radical act.

Who Gets to be Free

2025-04-14T21:50:00.007-05:00

The idea that freedom is hierarchical...

...clashes with the idea that freedom is fundamentally for everyone.

While some have more power, freedom should apply equally. A fair society ensures everyone has fundamental liberties.

2 ...also goes against the view that freedom exists on a spectrum, not in a rigid ranking system.

Instead of a hierarchy, freedom exists in varying degrees. The goal is to expand that range for everyone, especially the marginalized.

3 ...and doesn't acknowledge that freedom is deeply connected to our relationships with each other, not just something we have as individuals.

Freedom is tied to our relationships and communities. True freedom requires mutual respect, empathy, and a commitment to building a just and equitable society.

4 ...plus, it ignores the fact that freedom is about not being oppressed, not just having power.

True freedom comes from dismantling oppression, so that everyone has genuine autonomy and agency.

5 ...and it contradicts the basic principle that freedom is a universal human right, not a privilege for a select few.

Freedom is something we all possess simply by being human. Therefore, any attempt to rank people's freedom violates that core principle.

Love Me, I'm a Liberal

2025-04-12T12:22:00.001-05:00

Why Did Someone Think This Was a Good Destination (Part 2: From Poland t...

2025-04-12T02:50:00.001-05:00

caught up in god

2024-12-18T21:07:00.001-05:00

https://beauty-ever-new.blogspot.com/

Dei essentiam non cognoscere, in his quaerimus.

Dei essentiam in verbis et nominibus quaerimus, in formis et figuris animalium, in arboribus et in floribus, in cacuminibus et fontibus. 

Maximus Tyrius.

Levellers - What A Beautiful Day (Official Music Video)

2024-08-20T10:56:00.004-05:00

2024-05-10T09:27:00.002-05:00

Genau: Would you rather turn into a dolphin every time you swim or a bird every time you jump?

Genai:

That’s an interesting hypothetical! Let’s weigh the options:

Dolphin Transformation: Whenever you swim, you morph into a dolphin. You’d glide through the water, communicate with other dolphins, and experience the ocean in a whole new way. 🐬
Bird Transformation: Every time you jump (or leap), you transform into a bird. Imagine soaring through the sky, feeling the wind beneath your wings, and seeing the world from above. 🦅

Now, let’s break it down:

Swimming Frequency: How often do you swim? If you’re a frequent swimmer, being a dolphin could be quite exciting. But if you rarely swim, the transformation might not happen often.
Jumping Frequency: Similarly, consider how often you jump. If you’re a bouncy, energetic person, bird form might suit you. But if you’re more of a couch potato, the bird transformation might be infrequent.
Environment: Think about where you live. If you’re near the ocean, being a dolphin could be practical. On the other hand, if you’re surrounded by trees and open spaces, bird form might be more convenient.
Social Life: Dolphins are social creatures, while birds can be solitary or part of flocks. Which social scene appeals to you?

Ultimately, it depends on your personal preferences. Would you rather explore the depths of the sea or soar high in the sky? 🌊🌟Ah, the classic “transforming dilemma”! While I can’t grant you magical powers, let’s explore the possibilities:

Dolphin-Bird Shuffle: Imagine this: You’re swimming in the ocean, enjoying your dolphin form, and suddenly you see a majestic sunset. Inspired, you leap out of the water, and voilà! You’re soaring as a bird. 🌊🦅
Random Mode: Each time you swim or jump, it’s a surprise! Will you be a dolphin or a bird? It’s like a cosmic game of chance. 🎲
Scheduled Transformations: Set a calendar reminder. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays: dolphin. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends: bird. 🗓️
Emotional Switch: Dolphin when you’re feeling playful, bird when you’re contemplative. 🐬🤔
Choose Wisely: Commit to one form for a month, then switch. It’s like a subscription service: “This month, I’ll be a dolphin!” 📅

Remember, with great transformation comes great responsibility (and maybe some confused beachgoers). Choose wisely, my shape-shifting friend! 🌟🐬🦅Ah, the classic “transforming dilemma”! While I can’t grant you magical powers, let’s explore the possibilities:

Dolphin-Bird Shuffle: Imagine this: You’re swimming in the ocean, enjoying your dolphin form, and suddenly you see a majestic sunset. Inspired, you leap out of the water, and voilà! You’re soaring as a bird. 🌊🦅
Random Mode: Each time you swim or jump, it’s a surprise! Will you be a dolphin or a bird? It’s like a cosmic game of chance. 🎲
Scheduled Transformations: Set a calendar reminder. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays: dolphin. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends: bird. 🗓️
Emotional Switch: Dolphin when you’re feeling playful, bird when you’re contemplative. 🐬🤔
Choose Wisely: Commit to one form for a month, then switch. It’s like a subscription service: “This month, I’ll be a dolphin!” 📅

Remember, with great transformation comes great responsibility (and maybe some confused beachgoers). Choose wisely, my shape-shifting friend! 🌟🐬🦅Ah, the mystical fusion of sea and sky! 🌊🦅 Let’s imagine this extraordinary creature—the Dolphin-Bird Hybrid. 🌟

The Dolphbird: A Marvel of Nature

Appearance

Body: Picture a sleek, iridescent body—a blend of dolphin and bird. It’s streamlined like a dolphin, yet feathered like a bird. 🐬🦢
Color: Its scales shimmer with ocean hues—turquoise, indigo, and silver. Feathers transition from azure to sun-kissed gold. 🌈
Wings: Wings sprout from its back, reminiscent of a manta ray’s fins. They’re strong, allowing it to glide effortlessly. 🌬️
Tail: A dolphin-like fluke extends into a feathery tail, perfect for steering underwater and in the skies. 🌊✨

Abilities

Aquatic Mastery:
- Swimming: The Dolphbird dives into the depths, navigating coral reefs and shipwrecks. It communicates with other sea creatures using clicks and whistles. 🌊🐠
- Echolocation: Like a dolphin, it emits sonar pulses, mapping its surroundings. 🌐
Aerial Prowess:
- Soaring: With a powerful leap, it transforms into bird form mid-air. Its wings catch thermals, spiraling upward. 🦅🌤️
- Songbird Skills: The Dolphbird warbles enchanting melodies—part dolphin song, part bird trill. 🎶
Dual Environment Adaptation:
- Saltwater Tolerance: It thrives in salty seas, but its feathers repel water, keeping it dry.
- Airborne Agility: In bird form, it swoops, dives, and performs aerial acrobatics. 🌬️

Lifestyle

Morning Routine: Sunrise swim, leaping into the sky, then a graceful dive—breakfast is a school of fish. 🌅🐟
Afternoon Adventures: It explores shipwrecks, coral gardens, and hidden coves. Occasionally, it perches on cliffs, surveying the coastline. 🏝️
Nighttime Ritual: Under the moon’s glow, it sings ballads to the stars, its notes echoing across land and sea. 🌙🎵

Challenges

Identity Crisis: Is it more dolphin or bird? It grapples with its dual nature, seeking acceptance from both worlds.
Social Quirks: At dolphin gatherings, it tries to mimic clicks but ends up tweeting. Bird flocks eye it suspiciously. 🤔

Conservation Efforts

Scientists study the Dolphbird, hoping to unlock secrets of hybrid adaptation.
Environmentalists protect its habitats—oceanic sanctuaries and coastal cliffs.

Remember, dear reader, the Dolphbird reminds us that boundaries are meant to be blurred, and magic exists where sea meets sky. 🌊🦅✨Ah, the mystical fusion of sea and sky! 🌊🦅 Let’s imagine this extraordinary creature—the Dolphin-Bird Hybrid. 🌟

2024-04-16T19:13:00.000-05:00

this map of music looks like a very interesting territorry

write more?

2022-01-20T14:54:00.003-05:00

I should write more, or else this isn't really a blog. i do sometimes keep posts as drafts, but i always get to thinking that my thoughts are too depressing, to personal or too insignificant for people to bother reading.

And you are probably tuning out right now, but wait. i do have a story to tell and it is worth listening to.

My mother died of Pancreatic Cancer on April Seventh of 2021 and today i signed papers deeding her estate to me. Yesterday i was at the bank transfering funds from inherited IRAs. I've been crying a lot, especially in the mornings. I like to go to the park and say my prayers by the water under the old oaks on the indian mound. A few weeks after she died i came home and realized that I had left my phone somewhere, probably one of the benches where id sat, at the park. first, I called and texted my number from my mothers phone which was still active, and headed back to retrace the steps from my walk. I found a heart-shaped note, fixed in place with a stone and called the number, sure enough he had a phone but sounded confused but agreed to come meet me. He still seemed baffled as he approached the bench and asked for ID. "How do i know its your phone," he asked, "There was a lady here. We said good morning." i told him that i hadn't seen anyone else when i was there. He explained that it was the woman whose picture came up on the phone. "She had a slight accent," he said, "maybe European."

It was my turn to be confused. After explaining to him how i came to have my mother's phone he returned mine reluctantly. I realized that some woman must have sat there for a moment and said hello, thinking he was looking for his phone, and when he found it he thought that it was an opportunity to do something nice for a friendly attractive woman. Maybe she did look a bit like my mother and he hoped to make her acquaintance. I felt a little sad because i thought it would have been nice for him to meet someone that way. But I also thought of Masha and how she would do something like that, guard a strangers phone and make sure it got back to its rightful owner. I felt protected, as if her spirit in some way watched over me. I still say hello to that guy when i see him walk his dog.

I still cry sometimes when i sit on the bench. We did visit that park a few times before she died, and i think she would enjoy sitting with me and listening to a little ghost story.

https://amzn.to/34VLWDq

Thursday

2021-03-25T08:35:00.002-05:00

Today, I've got an appointment with Masha to go to her counselor. She has been eating lightly smoothies, grapes and cliff bars. We have an appointment with Charles Reismann, a lawyer to review her Will.

Her need for pain meds has increased.

The biopsy was terrible and stressful the days before and the recovery. I'm still not sure that the pain she has isn't hunger.

We talk when she is awake. I massage her back and shoulders feed her and then she lays back down. It's a struggle to get her to drink enough water.

I hate to see her suffer like this.

And I'm angry that Denny kept her this way protecting her, but neglecting her care.

He acts as though he has been the only one in her life these years, and she really started staying with him to control his drinking. I would drive her over nearly every day and we would clean him up and take away the bottles.

Eventually she just stayed there.

In the past few years he would seldom even take her home to her house and when he did he would stand outside smoking, coming in only to impatiently say, "let's go."

He always wanted her to let go of the past but she never did.

She remained attached to me and too her own history, which is something Denny could not maintain.

masha with Rob McCann and Hayden

2021-03-25T08:19:00.001-05:00

A photo of Masha's cousin Rob McCann with her and his wife Hayden.

This was in March of 2018

https://photos.app.goo.gl/upDw57RmyRhnufhCA

pushing upwards

2021-03-23T05:22:00.001-05:00

Masha's biopsy is today. She has not had an invasive procedure like this before.

These past two days, she has been beside herself upset with David Troup for drawing up a will that did not respect her wishes. I'm upset too, because the will also makes David Troup and Denny her personal Representatives. The contents of her business at this address and her property in Gulfport go to Denny.

We got up at four.

Neither if us could sleep. I managed to gulp down a smoothie with brussels sprouts and broccoli.

Rarely have that for breakfast. Masha was in pain and very scared. She did eat solid food yesterday evening so, i think this is more than hunger pangs.

She seemed very scared, especially being separated from me at this time. She really wants her loved ones there, my sister, Tanya, Doris, and others have all sent prayers and messages of hope and positive wishes.

In the car masha asked me to contact Tina Grote and get some pictures to her. The pictures are at Denny's.

I guess i can call Tina. Maybe meet with her. If i have time.

Oh and Bob called. It turned out i had blocked him somehow.

I should message him.

Denny also has a cat scan today.

I'm praying that it's not a scene like Masha's. Denny is very fatalistic about how he is 'dying'. I've heard that from him for many years. It's how he feels when he is drinking.

Masha can be very quick to think the negatives too I'm really praying for her.

Mew

2021-03-20T20:49:00.001-05:00

It's just over a week ago that masha went to get her a cat scan. Monday we got the news that she has cancer. Dr Shankar was the oncologist who have us the report of innumerable masses throughout the liver. Her pancreas also had a mass covering the tail and there are more on her lungs and surrounding the aorta of her spleen.

We were both very shocked.

And she immediately said that she wanted to go home to the house. So we made a plan.

She stayed with Denny Tuesday and did some work with him to. clear junk at the house. When i came over at the was sleeping on her side some but excited about how much work she had done with Denny. Just agreeing to toss one thing and save another. She was not eating much.

The next day, she was sore from sleeping on her side with her head against the wooden arm of the couch. Denny had her asleep all day and fed her a few times. From what i could hear, she had a little less than she really needs, so i encouraged her to eat a little and made some suggestions for sleeping better.

Thursday she was immobilized and barely eating. She complained of the sharp pain in her neck on either side. Any vibration made her flinch. She was very brave and ate some. We made some arrangements for coming to the house after taking her to see her counselor.

The counselor supported her decisions and we talked to insure that we were all in the same page about what we had to do.

St patrick's brought a lot of activity to the bar nextdoor as they were roping off for a parade and an event scheduled Saturday. I thought it best to get out before they really started to party Denny did some shopping for us. Friday they went to see Dave about arrangements and she was out all day, so Saturday i thought she should rest as i had some rest while she was out.

M actually lay back with her head on one pillow with support for the head. She slept deeply in three hour shifts. I got her up in the morning Saturday and got some oats with blueberries into her, then she slept and had turkey when she awoke for lunch. We looked at some pictures of Jaime's wedding to Phyllis. It took me a while to realize that it was here. There were also some pictures of Perry in the sixties. Cute kid he was.

I noticed that she was nodding off while we talked, so i lay her back down.

She got up again at 3:30 and ate some potatoes and some of a smoothie.

I bought several milk thistle supplements and started both of us on them.

We called Gordon and then Peter.

Gordon was upbeat.

I appreciate both of them.

I'm grateful for this time with my mother.

It means a lot to be able to care for her

march 19

2021-03-19T15:39:00.002-05:00

Last Friday, a week ago, i took my Mom in to the hospital for a CAT scan.

Monday, we learned that she had innumerable lesions throughout her liver, a mass on the tail of her pancreas and a mass on the aorta of the spleen. Also two small 1. cm nodes on her lungs.

The Dr offered that we had a choice between treatment or hospice.

We chose to schedule a biopsy for next Tuesday

Unfortunately Masha was very ill and passed away before the results of the test.