My Memory...

My Pasts

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 09:07:00 +0000

Sunday, 28/06/09

In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.

This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.

Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.

Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.

This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.

There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.

I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.

Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.

I really do love Carmille very, very much.

Loving with All I Can

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 16:28:00 +0000

Saturday, 20/06/09

“Dear… dear…… dear………” she called out to me softly, while I was dreaming away.
“Mmm…?” I turned to look at her when I realised that she was calling me, and smiled at her with love, then held on to her hands.
She looked me in the eyes with a really beautiful and soft gaze. She paused. “I love you…” she said to me.
My heart mellowed at that very instant upon hearing those words from her, I felt as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore, except for her, and that moment of us together. “I love you too” I said to her.

This isn’t the first time that we voiced out words of affection towards one another, but whenever we do, it always, always, touches my heart.

There are still many things that I’ve done with her, which is a memory of us experiencing it for the first time in our relationship, such as the beginning of our relationship, the first time we held hands together, and the first time we hugged, that I’ve yet to put it down here, in words, so that I’ll never forget these first-time moments. But it also is likely that it’ll not show up in this blog, because it is to us, a memory that only both of us are supposed to know; a memory so pure, so beautiful… and personal.

Yes, it is true that, a relationship is another thing added to your life. But to me, it is one of the most, most important thing in my life, that I want to put my whole-self in it.

Love as if you’ve never loved before. Love with all your heart. Because if you put all your heart in a love, your heart will be so moved, that sometimes you’ll cry, not because you’re sad, but because you can physically, and emotionally feel that your heart is so immensely filled with feelings of love and comfort. And this is what I’m feeling now, so on the verge of tears, because I feel so touched by the love I have for Carmille. I want to love her with every part in me, and with everything that I’ve got.

Today marks the ninth time that we went out together. It seems that in every time that we go out together, it is beautifully different, that we go to different places, or that we experience new things… and in every time, it is a different memory, etched so deeply in our hearts.

Place in my heart

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:07:00 +0000

Sunday, 14/06/09

Helloes blog. I’m starting to wonder that if you’re losing a place in my heart because of a very special person who appeared in my life just recently. Even with the many things spilled in words, onto you, but it seems that I have been more open with her, and telling her more things than writing in this blog. And although she is someone who I will run when I need a person to seek solace in, this blog also still remains this place that offers just a listening ear, giving no advice, no comments, and no replies, whenever I seek solace in this blog.

Kean Lee, there are many things I want to remind you about, because even so as you know, and as much as you try to keep these virtues close to heart, but when these things come to you, you seem to lose yourself.

First is that I should have a very understanding mind. I find myself wondering into the different reasons of some things that I expect, but don’t turn out as I expect it to become. For instance, I would expect a person to do something, but that person doesn’t do it at all, only to make me sit there, wondering of why that person didn’t do that certain thing. It is mind-boggling. But as I realise my silliness, I am remembered that the reason I feel all uneasy and unsettled when someone disappoints me is because I have put in too much hope. I need to remind myself that people don’t always do things in ways that I would expect it, because they have their own reasons to it. That person might be busy, that’s why that person didn’t reply to my text message. I don’t have to get all cooked-up about this…

Second, is that I should do things in moderation. Founding something that I like and grown an attachment so strong towards it, shouldn’t mean that I spend all my time with that particular subject. In life, there are many things. And out of these many things in life, there are only a very few that appear to us as our priorities. I feel that there are a few priorities that I have been paying less attention that supposed to, as of late. And it is high time that I see myself falling back into position of where I’m supposed to be, before I lose myself.

Third, is that I should worry less, and have trust. Having expectations and hopes, causes me to expect for certain things to happen, as though these things that I expect is something of nature that will happen naturally, and this forces me to worry about why and the reasons if some things do not turn out as I thought it would be. This point ties well with the first point in the above, but are two separate entities of qualities that I need to reinforce in myself. Have trust Kean Lee, it is the full-stop to all doubts. It is the essence to a relationship.

And as for now, I’m feeling frustrated of some petty things, that I wonder why should I even feel negative about things life this. I really need to be strong as I have always been, getting back on my two feet, fighting together with Carmille in a life that’s full of challenges, and that will build a bond between me and her, so inseparable till the end of time.

Feelings from every moment

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:34:00 +0000

Thursday, 11/06/09

And in these moments of the early morning when I’m feeling tired, I close my eyes, and with a calming background music, I am drifted away, drowned in feelings that makes me feel so peaceful, so much warmth… an unspeakable feeling of beauty that goes deep down into my soul.

Carmille went for a camp today, and would only be back this Saturday. She’s not allowed her mobile during this four-day camp, which makes me so love-sick of her. But two people, although physically apart, but hearts so deeply touched by one another’s and so greatly bonded, behaves so much like two minds alike, being able to feel the feelings of the other person who’s far apart, like telepathy.

And it is only in these times of the night where everyone’s asleep, and surrounding’s so quiet, while I’m in solitude, with a tinge of tiredness in my mind, sets me in this melancholic mood where feelings will flow in me, allowing me to write and express my emotions.

I can write in different ways, expressing my feelings in different ways, and there seems so much of feelings in me now, yet I can’t find the right words to describe every of those feelings. But the only thing I can put into words now, is that, I miss Carmille very, very much, now. And this, is the feeling of love conjures in us, a bittersweet feeling… to love, and to miss a person so very much.

I hope that she enjoys her four-day camp there, eat well, and sleep well. And wherever she is, Kean Lee tags along just next to her, spiritually. I am thinking a lot of her, and wonder if she thinks a lot about me, too.

To Love

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Sunday, 07/06/09

“Do you know what’s the reason we love a person??” I asked.
“Is there… a reason??” she replies, thinking.
“Yes, there is. It’s because we want that person to be happy…”

These past few weeks, I’ve been feeling so very happy. That’s because I’m in love. And being able to, once again, experience love, is a feeling… so soft, so calming, and a deeply touching… that can only be really felt by two hearts together.

And it can really bring me down at times, when she’s not feeling at her best. Rather than the common responsibility, it is that of willingness out of love, that I would try my best to get her all jovial and bubbly again.

And there are many times, I feel that I’m worrying too much, especially when she’s not at her best spirits, that I will just step aside, asking my very self that if I’m just being too much, or just working too hard, thinking of what to do. But no, I remind myself, that this isn’t any sort of work, nor will I ever see it as an obligation, but rather… love. Because there isn’t anything to why about when both people are together.

Because I love her, I would fight for us together, I would do everything, and I’ll be there for her, forever… and the reason is because, I want her to be happy. That will in turn, give me happiness.

Words will always remain as words. Even as I try to express my feelings in words, it always seems an effort too meaningless. It takes more than reading to understand the things I write. It takes the heart.

Getting to Know Deeper…

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Thursday, 04/06/09

Though we see so many people walking around the bustling street, but every single person you see, has got a story to tell. Even a boy like me, have gone though enough experiences to tell a story that will drown you in awe about some things that you have not even thought about.

I am attracted to my partner because of who she is. And, she is a reflective person, which is something we have in common. And remembering that every single person has got so much history to share, I am naturally curious to know what had happened in the past eighteen years in her life.

And when we see a person, it is always that surface-level of personality we see. What’s hidden underneath lies a personality and story that will make us awe-stuck. Reading Carmille’s blog entries of the past, explained me the reasons of some things I noticed about her since some time ago. And it’s these little details that make the inner personality of a person, and it’s these intricate details that we ought to know about our life partners.

To know the whole inner personality of a person, is to me, something that will take lots of time, lots of commitment, and is something so beautifully rewarding. It is this that bonds two people to be inseparable at heart. And what we realise after all, is that it is these little things that we remember of a person.

Leaving May

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:59:00 +0000

Wednesday, 03/06/09

And it is now the month of June. And I reluctantly let the month of May slip away into another memory.

But the only difference that separates last month of May, and all the previous months that gone-by, would be that what I’ve gone through. And what I’ve gone though was so much of a beautiful memory, that when I close my eyes, I would be so dazzled beyond words, to put it down here.

The month of May. In that most favourite month of mine, happened something so magical. It was the month where someone mellowed my frozen heart, leading me into seeing what that I have always refused to… and captured my feelings that I always have thought impossible for anyone to do so.

And it was this month of May that just passed, that I got into a relationship, a really beautiful one, with Carmille.

Holding the hands of the person you love so dearly for the first time, evoked such deep feelings inside me; so moving that it seems that everything else didn’t matter anymore. It was so much of love, so much of a feeling of calmness, peace, and comfort.

Hugging one another tightly, smelling her scent… that feeling makes me feel that both of us will never lose one another, tightly bonded to one another, physically, but so much more at heart.

She is the first person who I have ever been in a relationship with, and I will hope that it will be the last, and that we will be together until we part, taking the last breaths of our lives. Being the first also meant making me experience different things of what love can bring us; everything that we both did together, is a first-time experience for me.

And to miss a person so much, with the heart growing fonder with every moment of anticipating the next moment we’ll see each other, makes me appreciate so very much the meaning and feeling of getting to hold her hands, and getting a kiss from her the moment we meet.

For most people, it is usually the first few memories that will be etched in their hearts. But as for me I would want to see that for everything that we’ve gone though, from the beginning till the last day of our breaths, would be a memory that we’ll never forget. I really want to commit myself whole-heartedly into everything I do, so that everything will turn out most perfectly planned, as everything will be beautifully etched in our hearts… forever.

Beginning

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 27 May 2009 17:34:00 +0000

Saturday, 23/05/09

This blog went through so much with me. And for the very few readers who have followed me from my earliest posts all the way till today have seen how things have taken its shape through the course of time. And in this entry, I would show you the truth of how some things just are. And perhaps the writings in this post would humbly challenge your perception about how strong you think you are.

This post marks the beginning of a new story that is unfolding just right here where I’m standing. It marks a beginning of another of my experience that you definitely would not even have expected.

Every blog entry that I have written depicts my personality, character, and behaviour of me. It is those things that make every individual unique. And as much as how well we talk and believe ourselves to be, and how much of those virtues we remind ourselves that we possess, when it comes to practical experience when we get to feel it hands-on, that will be the test of how strong we think we are.

Lately, my life has been transforming drastically, perhaps not in the physical world, but certainly up in my mind. Things happening around me have been testing me of how strong I think I am, and the virtues that I remind myself to uphold. When they say that there is so much to learn in every moment you experience, it would often come a phrase too cliché to me. But it’s only when I experience it, only then I am able to appreciate how true those cliché phrases are to me.

Love brings about attachment. And it is two of these things that will push us to want to be with that other person we think about everyday. For instance, I can love a person so very much, and then after a while, realise that that there is also this great sense of attachment towards this girl. But I, Kean Lee, am a person of monogamy; my personality is conditioned to love only one person, and if I think I have found the right one, it would be that person that I will love, forever. However, I learn that I can grow this sense of attachment so strong towards a girl because I have loved her for such a long time, then after that very long time, begin to feel that the feelings left for her would be more of an attachment, rather than love. That is to say, love can fade, but attachment can still prevail. This attachment that has grown, clouds my feelings, it clouds me from knowing that, the truth is, I do not have feelings for her since some time ago. And the reason I can still feel attachment is still prevailing in my heart, would be because of the monogamous personality I have, of only wanting to have feelings for a person. And in this example I have quoted, I’m referring to loving a person in silence for such a long time, and not getting to be with her.

Question falls on that if we should still keep this attachment if our love has faded. My answer would be that it is impractical to continue holding on to this attachment, because even if I’m monogamous, it is a fact that I now realise I have, for some time, lost my feelings for her, but it is that the attachment of me towards her that deceives me into believing that I still love her. There is no point lying to myself that I still like her, after realising that I have actually lost my feelings for her.

I haven’t been seeing Voon Pang for such a long time. I must admit that I have been putting in too much effort in trying to know what she is doing, and how she is doing in school. I am very glad of myself that I could sustain such feelings for her over this long span of time. But I realise that the things I said such as things like these will last forever, is not entirely true. And the biggest contributor to this lost of feelings would be that I couldn’t have any contact with her for such a long time, and that naturally fades my feelings. And I have said that love can still live even though you know you can never be with that person. And that is true. But it’s just that for everything we do, there are conditions attached to it. We cannot take things too literally as what it presents to us to be. I still believe that love can still continue to be there until the day we pass away, even if we know we can never with that person we love, but there are always conditions attached to this statement. And in this case of my feelings for Voon Pang, the condition and reason would be that, I have not seen her and we’ve not been in contact with each other for such a long time, and that I realised that my grown attachment towards her have clouded my feelings for her, that the feelings have already been slowly fading. And when so much of it fades, I would finally realise that it leaves me only a shell of attachment, but with no filling of love inside it. This is why I think it is pointless to continue on with only an empty shell.

And cold hard truths are often painful to accept, because we are so persistent in wanting to hold on to our own beliefs. My belief taught me the nature of impermanence, and everything is subjected to impermanence; nothing lasts forever. I thought my love would be an exception. But I now see how real this cold truth hits me hard on my head, that love, too, is impermanent. It is compared to passion to fire, and a flame of fire eventually burns out, so as passion will eventually fade; the only thing that separates a strong passion and a faded passion is time. But my belief also taught me the solution towards this problem is that I need to sustain it, if I want to keep it alive. I would need something to sustain this feeling of me for Voon Pang, but it is most regrettable and unfortunate for me to say that I am unable to keep it going, because I have not keeping in contact with her fails to fuel my feelings for her.

A relationship is something that I often remind myself not to dive into too quickly. I can repeat that to myself many times, but when reality strikes, it is an all different matter together. It takes time for two people to grow a great sense of love before getting together. That is a foundation that is so crucial beyond words, that will reinforce the feelings of two people, so when already in a relationship, the love between two people would be near impossible to come crumbling down. I am monogamous, so naturally, I want a relationship to last till the day my partner and I pass away. That takes a lot of love. And seeing how love is also subjected to impermanence, it can be very challenging to sustain the love over long periods of time. At the same time, I’m taught that I shouldn’t worry about it, but rather use the time worrying to strengthen the relationship between my partner and me to a closer one. This strengthening is the fuel that keeps love burning, and it is love that keeps two people together. This takes commitment, and it is a great part of constant awareness. Henceforth, with the relationship Carmille and I are in, I am ready to see all my experiences I have learnt throughout the many years of my love life, and the contemplative nature of my mind, to bring us together, till the day we take our last breath.

We aren’t that young anymore. Mom and Dad knew each other when they were about nineteen years old, and they were together since then, till today, till I’m born and sitting here in existence, and till the last day when they will take their last breath. It’s not a matter about age, but it’s a matter of maturity of seeing things, of knowing the nature of love, being in constant awareness, and mindfully cultivating it so that it will ever-sustaining.

And Sometimes.

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:18:00 +0000

Tuesday, 19/05/09

To Carmille, if you happen to come across this, this post is written out of feelings at the present moment, and I believe it would do good to you not to read this. But if you must, I really hope you wouldn’t take this to heart.

And here I am once again, seeking solace in the only place where I’m able to entirely pour my feelings into. I’m writing this now with eyes close to tears, hoping that I would feel much better when I’m done writing.

It’s about today; feelings about today. Just a few months ago, the idea that I would write about my college life wouldn’t even have occurred to me, but it seems as of late, I have been very much absorbed into this college of mine. And perhaps, this sparks the beginning of me starting to story-tell stories of my college life.

But perhaps it is because I’m so absorbed into this one particular person, which caused me to grow this sense of attachment towards this place…

The growing of relationship between Carmille and I is progressing at such a rate that, just only in the second post since the mention of her name, I have already regarded her as someone significant in my life. And this degree of relationship have stemmed in me a growing sense of trust and reliance upon her, making me see her as a person dependable for me to tell her my feelings at different moments, and conversations that I wouldn’t have normally have with other people.

(In an unrelated story, at which I should have announced by now, and it is very unfortunate on my behalf to say that Carmille has decided against switching back to my class, and the reasons are pretty complicated that I would spare the details this time.)

It is an attachment. And in this case, this attachment also came with expectations. Because of the various posts she’s holding in the Student Welfare Committee (SWC), she has been bogged down with mountainous loads of work, and I pity her for that. And with the events coming-up this Friday, she had to stay-up late-night yesterday just to complete it. That resulted in her oversleeping this morning, sacrificed the first lecture, and coming into class with a less jovial mood, due to the amount of stress and workload that is bugging her every moment.

When I was in the days of my depression two years back, my parents could sense it. My parents tried with all their efforts to persuade me into telling them my problems. And the last thing I needed to know while suffering a depression is for them to tell me that my mood affects the entire family; that my family’s mood is also being affected negatively, because of me. Returning to today’s story, I could see how this relates to me; Carmille’s moody feelings is also affecting me.

I normally wouldn’t even bat an eye or care to even wonder if it was for someone else’s problems. But Carmille is somebody close to me, and it doesn’t have to be intentional for me to want to worry about her feelings, but it comes to me naturally; I naturally feel worrisome about her problems, because she is someone close to me.

Less of her feelings affecting my feelings, her moodiness today also caused her to respond less enthusiastically to me today. Sensing it, I thought it better to keep my mouth shut, wanting to give her some time to breathe. She already didn’t seem too happy when she entered class today when she replied my smile with a forced one. And for other course-mates in the same Lecture Hall who didn’t get the signal that she’s already feeling so stressed and still tried to play pathetic jokes with her, I just wanted to shout so loudly at them, but held back, because that would only embarrass Carmille.

I believe that is was more of because that we didn’t really talk today, I got pretty upset. Though she really is bogged down with all those workload and stress, I can understand if she loses her temper to others, but I couldn’t see why she wasn’t too animated with me today, given our already close relationship. If I was in her shoes, I would have probably snapped at others who offended me today, but towards someone close to me, it would be as if nothing had happened, and I would treat this person close to me like how I treat him or her everyday. That was perhaps what hurt me the most. I’m angry at myself and blame myself for not being able to successfully console her, to make her all happy again.

And because I didn’t have my breakfast this morning, my stomach just had to rumble so much with air, on top of my already miserable feelings. Then, it was already time for Carmille to attend another class, while my class is having an hour’s break. However, she decided against attending her class, sacrificing that time to give the volunteers a briefing for the coming big event this Friday. That moment itself, my feelings was already so jumbled up, eyes close to tears. We were then in the canteen.

I took out the Mars bar from my bag, which was initially intended to be shared with her, but seeing that she’s busy with giving briefings to the volunteers of my classmates, I lingered a little while longer to see when she would be done, and if possible, ask her if she’s free to share the chocolate with me. I am a volunteer for this Friday, too, but I didn’t want to force myself to understand whatever she’s saying to the other volunteers (because I couldn’t concentrate at that moment), so I thought it was better that she brief me personally at another time. Hence, I was merely standing there, waiting for her to finish her speech.

And after a couple of minutes, I could no longer contain my feelings, I said nothing, grabbed my Mars bar, and just walked away to the direction heading to the toilet, walking at a pace as if I’m really heading towards the toilet, to avoid suspicion. I walked a little distance to a secluded area where there wasn’t anyone to be seen, sat down, and had the Mars bar for lunch, while asking myself of why am I feeling this way. I could have sworn that if Carmille actually finds me sitting there, I would have burst into tears, though I wouldn’t tell her why.

Sitting there, I hoped that she would have noticed my sudden disappearance, and would give me a call or something. And after some moments, she actually did message me, asking me where I was, and if I was okay. At that instant upon receiving her message, that lifted my mood a lot, because that signalled that she still has me in her mind although having other more important issues and work to resolve. I replied her, reassuring her that I was okay, and that I was just taking a little stroll, which was a white lie.

And when I returned to the canteen, a part of me hoped that she isn’t there because I was afraid that she would ask me if I really was okay, and where did I go, at which I wouldn’t have been be able to answer, and that if I do answer based on my feelings, she would be hurt if she finds out the white lie that I might have said. However, the other part of me really wanted her to still be in the canteen, so that I could see her, because… because I wanted to know if she’s really okay.

It was then time for my next class when I returned to the canteen. I wasn’t too good at hiding my feelings, and returned her with a weak smile when she turned to look at me. With that, I turned my back, and headed to my class, leaving her to continue her briefing with the other volunteers still in the canteen. So many moments like that, I felt so emotionally disturbed inside me that I wanted to hit my head hard on the wall till it bleeds.

I just cannot believe how stupid and childish sometimes I can be. I should have been trying my greatest efforts in trying to lift her mood today, rather than me being more absorbed in myself.

As much as I try to keep an optimistic thought, but life haven’t been treating me so nice lately. With the exams that just ended, came back the results that slapped me on my face. Then came along things like these (that I have just blogged) in life. Just as I thought things couldn’t be more complicated than this, Dad had to tell me that he couldn’t come pick me up from the train station when I was on my back from college. And so, I consoled myself to a meal at McDonalds alone on my way home just now.

Things like this may come too trivial a matter to many, but if it was to happen on you, given that the person who unknowingly and unintentionally hurt you is someone you regard so highly of, it would just be heart searing.

But it’s okay. After writing this whole thing out, I get to see where my fault lies. And I always have to remind myself that it isn’t the fault of others, but it’s within myself, and how I should work around the matter to make it better, and learn from these things.

And tomorrow, I’ll make sure I’ll treat her really well so she would be happy.

A Series of Snags

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:12:00 +0000

Friday, 08/05/09

This would be the first post written on the most beautiful month of the year. And today’s a Friday; and Friday’s are good days for me.

A collective pile of feelings cannot be summarised to give an overall mood that you are experiencing at any particular moment. You can feel happy that you’ve just gotten a string of Distinctions in your examinations, but yet, at the same time, you feel sad that you are experiencing some love problems. In many situations like these, you will realise that you cannot make a conclusion that both good and bad feelings cancel out one another to give you a neutral feeling. A particular feeling is independent of one another, and it is felt differently for different sets of feelings.

This would be one of the very few posts that will shed some light about my college life.

The first thing that made today sour would be my shockingly terrible performance I showed in my last two exam papers that I sat today. Albeit feeling unhappy about this issue, but I’m not all that sore because this is what I would expect to reap from the meagre effort I sowed from my last-minute studies.

Second would be a pretty interesting story to retell about. This regards my college life. Having a natural dislike for college has set my mind towards a no-attachment towards whatsoever issues that has regards to college. But that was in the past year, and in this year, I have learnt what to expect in colleges, and have set myself to be more open with this new college that I’m in. Having said that, I still retained the firm belief that it is near impossible for me to find someone, in such a place, whom I could relate to.

Five months have passed. With my course keeping me busy at all-times, the period of five months passed with a real breeze, without much realisation that I am starting to be sub-consciously going through time with such great speed, gaining momentum of an attachment towards this college. Even so, I wouldn’t say that this feeling is increasing as quickly as an exponential, nor would it be as slow as a very small slope, but yes, the weekly routines of my college life is starting to seep into me, I noticed.

Through this five months being with my classmates in one class, we are learning of each other as days goes by. And it would be very surprising for me to be saying here, that I think I might have found a classmate who I can relate to. And I’m not too surprised when I find myself building a closer bond with this classmate of mine, which fate decides that she is a girl.

Her name is Carmille. A really beautiful name, in my opinion.

I would usually voice out all my feelings to Carmille, most particularly about my little complains I have for some particular classmates that I have a degree of dislike for. And then we would both laugh over the matter, especially when we realise we have the same impression of the person we’re gossiping about. And for both of us to be talking a lot, that is naturally building the friendship-relationship in between us, up to that we started discussing our personal thoughts (in which I would never even have thought twice about doing so to a college-mate) that we would start reminding each other that gossiping is something that should be avoided.

As we got closer, we started to sit next to each other in classes, having much chatting time to ourselves. We would also go for lunch together; and for this past week, we’ve been studying together in the library. Our close-friendship is also gathering jokes and rumours that we’re both couples, which I find it interesting of how quickly rumours can spread.

Attachment grew in between us. The college decided to do class streaming according to our SPM results for Semester Two. I thought it an utterly absurd idea for them not to even suggest this idea when we started fresh in Semester One, and just had to pick the wrong time of doing it now when everyone is perfectly happy and settled with their class. And fate decided that she will advance one class above mine, and that would cruelly mean separating both of us as our classes would be different.

Initially, I thought that I was the only person to feel such growing attachment, and the uneasiness in me had me expressed my feelings for her. But apparently, I was pleasantly surprised that she also admitted to the growing friendship-attachment towards me, and isn’t happy with the class streaming.
She then came up with the idea that she would try-out her new class for one week and see how it goes. If she doesn’t find that she favours her new class, she would appeal for a class change, back to my class. I think that it is an ingenious idea. And of course, as for my part, I would hope very much that she returns to my class, so I would have a companion to sit next to in class, and someone who I can voice out my feelings to. Though the final decision is really up to her and I would respect whatever decision she chooses to make, but I think it’s crucial on my part of persuasion that I have to tell her what I personally hope for, so that she would take considerations of my behalf, too.

Tribute to Some People

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:51:00 +0000

Friday, 10/04/09

I met my classmate from 5 Angsana on the train just a few days ago. And I told her that even still to today, I’m still very attached to school.

“But then you have to get over it lah; I mean, it’s been so long already,” the cliché utter of words that anyone would suggest.

She was sitting on the seat, in the train, while I was holding on to a railing above her, standing just in front of her. I look at this friend of mine whom I’ve known even since before we were together in a common class during Form 4 and 5. Physically, she looked a little older and more matured as compared to the last I saw her. And it was unfair to see how much she has moved on with life after high school, while I looked at myself, still stranded on that same spot, two years ago.

“I also have forgotten a lot of things about school luh,” she added.

I let out a sigh in my mind, bit my lip, and eyes soften, staring into blank space. This is me; this is Kean Lee – a person of his own set of virtues and values, growing at his own pace.

And I thought about the memories of the teachers who had left a pleasant memory in me, and I would like to write them down here, before I, too, forget about such invaluable wealth that I have.

1 Meranti 2003:
Cik Suriani – She was my Form teacher, and also my Maths teacher. And the reason why I could remember her is because of her leniency, and probably also because Form 1 left me a great deal of memories that was a turning point in my life.

Pn. Norsila – My KH teacher. She just has got that attitude that makes me remember of her. There was once, when I joked with my friends in the Sewing Room, kept calling the sewing machine “So sexy~” while touching the smooth lacquered curves of the machine, then only to get a full octave comment that sounded like scolding from Pn. Norsila that went, “Sexy sexy ape?!!”. My friends and I had a good laugh.

2 Meranti 2004:
Pn. Wong – We (our class) knew since Form 1, that she is very lenient when it comes to marking our Art works, thus, we really wished that she would be out Art teacher, replacing out current one, which we didn’t like (of character and stinginess when grading our Art works). And our wish came true – Pn. Wong became our Art teacher this year. And she’s really a very kind woman, and I hoped she won’t retire anytime soon because judging from her ageing looks she is probably a grandmother then.

3 Meranti 2005:
Pn. Tan C.K. – My Form teacher, also my Maths teacher, who scolds a lot. My friends and I would revere her because we knew she is also an Add-Maths teacher, at which is a subject that we thought pretty cool.

Pn. ___(I forgot her name)___ - The teacher that made me liked Sejarah for the first time in high school. Her looks depicts a motherly figure, and a person of such respected age, she often recounted about her experiences and memories during the colonial times when she was still young.

4 Angsana 2006 and 5 Angsana 2007:
Pn. Saik – My Form teacher and also my Physics teacher. And during the first day in Form 4, she said something that went along the lines like, “You all so free, don’t just sit there do nothing. Open up your Physics book and study before the next lesson.” She is a really nice teacher, and it is a surprise that she’s able to tolerate our class.
Memorable quote: “*tsk* class, please keep quiet.”

Pn. Lim – My Biology teacher, who is famed for her sarcasticness and monotone teaching, at which at intervals, she would insert a joke somewhere along her long lectures, at which the class have got to be paying attention to realise that she had just joked.

Pn. Joyce Lim (I think she was previously addressed Pn. Wong) – Probably the one of the few best Sejarah teachers you could find. And an undeniable fact that she was the reason I scored an A for Sejarah in SPM although I never liked Sejarah since Form 1 (except in Form 3’s Sejarah).

Pn. Yap – Undeniable truth that she holds the title of being the one of the best Chemistry teacher I’ve ever had. She is also the mother of the smartest girl in my class, who is also the smartest girl in the school.
Memorable quote: “If you (spill the contents/cause an explosion etc.) the first thing I’m going to do is to go over and squeeze your ears,” “Precisely!”

Mdm. Tan – My Add-Maths teacher who, when in Form 4, always had the penchant of scolding us, and ends-up so heated that she just refuses to teach the class for the entire one or two periods. But when in Form 5, she became much nicer to us. No idea why. Once, during Form 4, she was suddenly so nice to us, and the rumour went along that Pengetua had a little talk with her. It is also regarded as a very uncommon, if not rare, moment to see her laughing.
Memorable quote: “Okay class, put your pens down and stop writing. Go down have some exercise.” And she would almost always say that every Friday when I was in Form 5, at which the Physical Education class was just after her lessons.

Pn. Cecelia – My Moral teacher who leaves lots of memories in me. She’s one funny teacher, and also a very lenient one, but at the same time, very demanding when it comes to our work produced during exams, because she sincerely wants us to score a clean Distinction for her Moral paper.
Memorable quote: “You know what’s good for you and your soul. So don’t go telling the other classes or your friends about what I told you (that is coming out for the exam).”

I have the strongest memory for Form 4 and 5 is because that is the last year that I left school, so the memory inclination lies a lot, especially in the last year. This school has left me the greatest memories I’ve ever had in my years of living. Sometimes, I would close my eyes, counting to a ready, hoping that when I open my eyes, I would be back in those times. And it seemed so real that I could go back into the past where I still, till today, have one of the greatest attachments to. But it is reality which is the most cruel thing to face with, and the loving glow of those buildings that I was once in, shimmering before me, whenever I often pass-by this school.

Heart Still Beats

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:42:00 +0000

Monday, 23/03/09

It has been some time since I last wrote. It’s just that, there aren’t many things to write about. Even if there is, it would be those little petty things running about, occasionally, unworthy of writing.

I have seen a couple of incidences, whereby my friends would ask about my opinion about their love lives. Humbly, I would often give them my point of view. But it’s saddening to see that they often realise their person of affection does not have feelings for them. And these friends of mine, very often, would just give-up and come to a stop to liking that person.

I would heave a breath of sigh at such a thought. Perhaps it means more experience for them to go through, before they would come to an understanding that they should stop looking for someone who will co-incidentally love them too. In my understanding, love not only extends out to a very pleasant feeling, but also a person’s mental development that he’s able to think critically for himself.

There hasn’t been much thinking as of late. As time goes by with love and feelings, the subconscious becomes more influenced; and I’ve been dreaming of her much more often these days. Perhaps a little comical, but I just wanted to share with you a dream that I dreamt about yesterday…

There was this girl whom I know in real life that appeared in my dream yesterday. After a series of events that I did for her out of concern, as a friend, she then held my hand, out of love. My heart beat hard on my chest, falling into a difficult position, and thinking of a way to tell her that I cannot be in a relationship with her. I then wriggled my hand out of her grasp, and she looked at me with an expression of both surprise and confusion. I then began talking to her by first calling her name. But what I realised was that I kept making a mistake by calling out Voon Pang’s name first, then apologised and corrected myself. Throughout my explanation to that girl, I kept repeating my mistake several times, unintentionally, by calling her Voon Pang, instead of her real name.

As all dreams being dreams, they are most often somewhat eccentrically weird in different ways. However, occasionally, sometimes our dreams remind us of things. And that dream reminded me of how attached I am towards the person I feel most emotionally closest to.

To not speak of things that mean everything to us, doesn’t mean that we no longer see it as something that matters in our life anymore. As much as I’ve not been actively updating this blog lately doesn’t mean that my feelings have been slowing down.

Three months have passed. These three months have been a real boring time. Work has caught me up in the never-ending tangle of mess that made me feel that these three months passed-by too quickly. Ah, I’m wrong to calculate that it has been three months, but rather it’s been a mere days to four months. Too quickly this time has passed without giving me time to even feel aware or notice it. It feels like it wasn’t that long ago that I saw her for the first time that Countdown Day, in the bookstore, looking at some Hallmark merchandise. That the nostalgic sight of her made my heart beat so hard out of surprise, reminding me of how very much I miss her, and the so many more things that only the language of feelings can describe.

A Month Since…

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:55:00 +0000

Sunday, 08/02/09

I was hoping for some weeks that I would get to see her yesterday, since Goon May sms-ed me weeks ago, inviting me to her place; because yesterday’s was Goon May’s Chinese New Year party.

And there are some things we hoped for so much, and for a long time, but it just doesn’t come to realisation.

We love a person, and some of us feel that just seeing that person once-in-a-while already makes us feel so privileged.

It’s been a month since this year began. Some things remained steadily still, some other changed. I’m grateful that some things on my side have improved, as compared to last year’s. But then, I compared my priorities and contemplated what we’re all striving towards for… a happy family.

And the core of a happy family stems from love. It’s that love that we’re all striving for.

Hearing some updates about her at Goon May’s place yesterday made me heave a sigh over what all those things I’ve told her two years ago; were they just… forgotten??

Yesterday was the first time I saw the fireworks lit before me, since the last time I saw it with her on this year’s countdown. The melancholic feelings were unbearable as tears wetted my eyes. I would’ve let the tears flowed if it wasn’t for the crowd of strangers around me.

There isn’t much updates on me about what I feel worthy of writing. Of course, there are much things to talk about if I were to diversify my writing genre, but those are very boring and dry topics, hence, unworthy of writing.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the truths of some things and the false assumptions that if we possess these material things, they’ll make us happy…

Happy Chinese New Year!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Sunday, 25/01/09

Today’s the eve of Chinese New Year. And I could feel all the festivity in the air.

And I’m old enough to have more other worries in my plate rather than having to worry about how much ang pows I’ll be getting this year. It’s so good to be young, when all your worries are only those petty things. And there’s still a long road ahead of me, but I’ll not fret or sigh about how much more I’ve got to endure, because everything will come to me one by one.

Often I see some people, mostly my friends who are younger than me; I admire them, as if they’re more superior than I am. That in turns makes me look-up to them because of the inferior feeling inside me. I mulled over such reaction in feelings, and realised that it’s because that I’m merely judging them on first impression, that is that they’re physically attractive, academically smart, or that they’re socially ‘famous’.

I then reminded myself that first impressions often don’t depict a person of who he/she really is. It’s always the heart that matters; it’s the heart that we’ve got to look into, that really defines his/her personality and maturity. It’s the maturity of a person which seems to set the true admiring feelings; that is to say, it’s more ‘right’ to admire a person by judging from his maturity.

That was the thought of yesterday. Nothing much happened today, though. I pretty much slept throughout the eve of CNY. I can’t say for tomorrow, but I hope it turns out pretty well, but not too hot a day.

And as for you reading here, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year!! I am actually always pretty happy and excited every year when it is this season, not only because of the festivity, but also the week-long holidays.

You and I hope that I’ll have another new blog entry coming up soon!!

15th Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Sunday, 18/01/09 – Monday, 19/01/09

Dearest Voon Pang,

The time’s now exactly 15 minutes before your birthday.

Well, I’ve got nothing much to say here other than to wish you Happy Birthday, because I guess that I’ve already written you that letter which contains all my words in there. Just that, I wonder that if you’ve received and read that letter by now, yet.

I know that this moment will come – this moment of the final minutes before the time touches your birthday. It’s like something grand to me; as if, I’ve got to do something really wonderful and memorable to remember this moment… just that I couldn’t do anything special than just to sit here, admiring the picture of you that always melts my heart, with the passing minutes to your birthday.

You’re another year older; another year more mature. And I really wish that everything is going all jolly well for you.

I hope to see you soon.

Yours forever,
Kean Lee.

To a point of going nuts

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 18:20:00 +0000

Sunday, 18/01/09

There’s so much to think about; her friends and what they’re doing that involves her, her well-being, her current conditions in school, and all those little details that I’ve got to keep up with. And there’s her birthday tomorrow and what am I going to do about it. I know I’ve given her the present long before her special day, but it bothers me everyday to wonder if she received it or not (and I know that I didn’t document anything about this story). And many of them are mere guesses and wishes that everything’s alright, though I try to slip in questions about her occasionally when chatting with her closer friends as not to irritate them that I keep talking about her.

Apart from those thinking, there are also lots to think about me and my life. There’s studies, well-being, life, personality, behaviour, and everything that I want to keep and preserve and improve, those that define me, and those that makes my inner personality stand-out among the other people in both awkward and admiring ways.

Sometimes, so much thinking dries me up. I get so mentally exhausted having these thoughts running behind my mind in every breath I take. And it takes away my concentration space whenever I need it. It does affect me, both positively and negatively. But occasionally, I really feel that there are too many things that build my mental list that really makes me feel that I’m only driving myself crazy.

I do recognise this as a form of mental suffering. Having virtually no one to turn to, and although sometimes posed with some options of refuge (my parents, for instance) but I turn it down because I think it’s still not the best way of seeking solace (for the fact that they fail to see the light in some things that I do, because every individual develops a different set of consciousness with different experiences), and this only means that it leaves me to fend for myself, alone. This means that I have to be very tough, and that I would not be mentally crippled to handle so much thinking in a time.

But frankly, it is the collapsing part that scares me. When your mind collapses from all the thinking, that’s when you fall into a mental depression. And that’s scary. Having fallen into it twice before, and after I get a feeling of it, it’s a real scare to fall into the same pits again. The stage of depression only helps to worsen your problem by bending your entire mindset, up to the point that you want to end your own life. Experiencing depression, whether it may be a mild or serious case, is nothing proud to be spoken of, but since it’s still a fact, I shouldn’t be afraid to mention it. After all, it’s still an experience, but a type of experience that not everyone has gone though.

A Post about some Doubts

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:16:00 +0000

Friday, 02/01/09

This post is written to clarify some questions that my friend asked me, after reading this blog. I thought I should write about this, because there might be some readers who knows me in person might misunderstand, or not able to fathom the reasons of certain actions that I have made.

That friend who read this blog said that he/she thinks I’m actually obsessed with her. My answer to this statement is that, I believe that after going though various obstacles and gaining a considerate amount humble experience, I’m able to differentiate obsession, infatuation, and love. What I am experiencing is not obsession or infatuation, but instead, it’s love.

Some readers might be wondering of why am I doing such and such, and of why I’m behaving in such manner. The thing is, everything happens for a reason; if you care to read the very first post to the latest one, you would be able to see the story’s progression, and the reasons behind the many actions that I have done. However, I must very humbly note here that there is a need for thinking when reading the stories that I’ve written; there is a level of maturity needed to understand the reasons of some actions. This is the answer to justify my feelings towards her isn’t obsession.

This is still a blog. A blog that’s published for the public to see. Although I have reminded certain readers not to link me although they might be regular readers, but still, very personal blogs like mine which isn’t privatised can get out of hand (i.e. become popularised). And that isn’t good, because personal blogs are best kept quiet. There is also a reason why I choose not to privatise this blog since it’s personal, and although I have never explained the reason why, but I’m sure that the readers would have guessed it. And because this blog isn’t privatised, there limitations to certain words and things that I cannot write of. The reason is self-explanatory. Thus, occasionally, there are loopholes and confusions about some things that are written.

My friend also asked me that even after entering college, haven’t I fell for someone else, or at the very least, felt affection or attraction towards, at least, a girl. The answer is a resounding “No.” I have never felt any feelings or even anything close to attraction towards anyone in college. There is this general perception that once people are exposed to a new environment (i.e. college, in this case), they will tend to fall for someone new. I myself have witnessed that my schooling friends in secondary school who enters college will then settle themselves with a partner. To be very truthful, this general perception doesn’t apply to me.

This is because, when you really love a person so deeply, at one point, you’ll realise you’ll never fall for another person anymore. Although some might dismiss this statement as something said during the peak of emotions, but you will mark my words that when you actually experience this yourself, this statement will no longer a subjective matter of debate.

Finally, I am aware that in my few latest posts, I have been more liberal and open with my writing. Although it is not something that I choose to do, but I sometimes find it hard to explain certain actions and record the reason and memory of my actions if that I am limited to the expression of my feelings.

Countdown 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:20:00 +0000

Wednesday, 31/12/08 – Thursday, 01/01/09
The fourth time in 2008.
The first in 2009.

You know, I’m just really afraid of the many things in life that happens only once, and they won’t repeat themselves anymore. And it’s those moments that when we’re experiencing it, and when we don’t appreciate it, these things will only leave us the memories. What happened today was something so very beautiful that I’m very afraid that it’s my last time experiencing it.

The time now is 8am. I actually woke up at about 6.45am, in which I rolled around till I couldn’t take it any more. I slept at 4am yesterday, directly after my bath when I arrived back home. Feeling a little insomniac for sleeping only so little, but it was my mind that kept replaying the scenes of yesterday that caused me to keep thinking about it.

The very moment the fireworks lit the dark sky above us, we knew that we had all entered another year. What has this year have in store for us, we never know. But what was in my mind during that time the fireworks made its display in the sky, was only Voon Pang. And she was standing beside me. She wasn’t exactly beside me, but I was actually right behind her, close to her. And I looked at her, her dark hair facing me, and I smiled, and I whispered some words to her, inaudibly.

The very first person I saw during this New Year is Voon Pang. And the first words that came out of my mouth wasn’t a wish of Happy New Year, but rather something more meaningful to both of us, something that could keep me breathing till today after… two years of leaving school. Two years – how much I despise to even think about that. How could it be two years when it seems that I just got to know her??

She was just in front of me that I kept looking at her. The fireworks were really beautiful. That made it even more special and meaningful, because both of us were watching the fireworks together. And my heart wrenched… words couldn’t do justice on how much I wanted to hug her.

It all begun on an evening. Initially, the plans were supposed to be in OU where we’ll have our countdown. However, it became messy that the plans were suddenly changed, and the meet-up place would instead be at The Curve. The sudden change in plans also caused difficulties for a few people, and after some tight considerations about transportation issues and parental permission, a few announced that they wouldn’t be able to make it. One of them is Goon May.

It was yesterday when Goon May visited Elaine’s blog, and she found my comment in Elaine’s chatbox. Curious, Goon May then text messaged me, asking that if I have a blog. It was a real surprise to receive a message from her. We then exchanged emails and chatted on MSN, which by then I have given her my blog link. It was there and then we started talking about the many things that happened this year, and last year. That was how we knew much more about each other. She kept complimenting on how nice I am, and I took that as a sign that our friendship would be a closer one than before. In an unbelievable short course of one day, we not only patched-up our friendship before this, but also progressed much further than that because we knew more of each other.

The organiser is Madelene. If Goon May couldn’t make it, it would only mean that I will be sticking to Madelene. I called Madelene to ask her about what’s the latest plans, and after discussing about the dilemma of the plans, she told me that Voon Pang’s coming for the countdown, too.

Frankly, I was expecting that news, already. So I guess I already had some mental preparation. Nevertheless, at the mention of Voon Pang, that was the moment I became all nervous, all towards the end of the night where I called Madelene to ask about Voon Pang’s safety.

So it was confirmed finally that our celebration would be at The Curve, instead of the previously agreed OU. It was then about 5.40pm. I hurried with my wash-up and preparations, consoled myself that everything is going to be alright, and drove there. After all those preparations, it was already 6.30pm. But nightmare dawned upon me as I just arrived upon the highway. The cars were literally crawling though the routes. Looking at my watch and reminding myself over and over that the meet-up time is supposed to be at 7.30pm, I was expecting myself to be late, because the parking will be the biggest headache other than this traffic jam alone.

Sometimes, I think it’s better for me to be in a stress. Because when I feel stressed, I tend to come up with more ideas. And feeling stressed that I couldn’t make it by 7.30, I thought of an alternative route that could probably save me some time… giving me more time to see Voon Pang. I really want to see Voon Pang… I really, really do.

Goon May called me. She told me that she’s finally able to make it. I was elated at this news, and heaved a heavy sigh of relief to know that I would have a companion to, at least, talk to over there, who although doesn’t know the whole story behind us, but a person who is very capable of understanding feelings.

Perhaps it really was fate. As soon as I reached The Curve’s parking, I went down to Basement 2, and a parking slot was beaming with triumph right in front of me. Back in mind, I was telling myself that I’m willing to pay whatever parking fees if that I could just get a parking as soon as possible, so I could save those minutes to spend more time with Voon Pang. I was really feeling all jumpy and nervous that time, knowing that it’s just a matter of minutes, that I’ll be seeing her.

I headed towards Borders, because there was where we’re supposed to meet. I scouted a little to see if anyone has arrived yet, and it seems that I’m the earliest after all. It was then 7.40pm. Borders in The Curve is pretty big because they have two floors. But of all places, I was attracted to the Hallmark Greeting Cards section, so I walked there. I did a round around the shelves of the cards.

And there she was. Voon Pang was crouched down, looking at some stuffs just one shelf away from me. I turned my back so quickly that I only managed to capture a vague image of her. But I know she is Voon Pang. Love tells you everything. Co-incidences do not happen this often. Borders is such a big place, and the very first place I headed to, I saw her.

I walked away, with my heart racing so wildly that I thought it was just going to burst. I paced a little in some spot, and walked near towards the Enquiry Counter, forehead creased in thoughts. I pitched my head upwards to see where I was walking to, and just the next step I took was given a loud roar inside my head – she was standing right in front of the Enquiry Counter asking the assistant about something. Distanced only by a few steps, I was facing her back, then, so I quickly made a turn and walked away. This time, heading upstairs instead.

I called Goon May, asking her where she is. She told me she’s getting some clothes with her sister and reassured me that she’ll be here as soon as possible. She also added that Voon Pang’s already here and asked me if I did see her, but I thought it would be easier if I said no, so I paused for a moment before replying, “Oh… nope. I didn’t see her.”

When I saw her heading upstairs, I wanted so much to hit myself in agony, literally. Because, I went downstairs after that. And when I was downstairs reading those Hallmark greeting cards that I didn’t have a chance to read just now, she walked pass me again. This is the third time I saw her.

And I know that I have to see her sooner or later, so with boiling hatred towards myself, I asked myself of what logical reason am I still running away from her at this very moment. This is the moment where no one is here yet, and that I could use this opportunity to talk to her. The truth is, I am still afraid of seeing her, wondering what we would even talk about when we see each other. I still stubbornly went against my feelings, and told myself that it was probably better I would only dare to face her later when we meet-up with some other friends.

After a few messages to Goon May, she finally called me, telling me she’s here, and Voon Pang’s with her. They’re just outside Borders. I guess this was it. I exhaled, prepared myself of the very first time I’m going to willingly meet-up with her, and the first time we’re having an outing together.

I walked out of Borders, trying to look and be myself and everything. And as I turned to my right, there was Goon May and Voon Pang walking towards me. Goon May was looking at me, but Voon Pang wasn’t. I couldn’t carry on without a greeting, so I faced Voon Pang while she was working on her mobile. Until she was a little closer to me, she looked up. I smiled, and said, “Hi” to her, and she greeted me the same way back, too, with the same shyness.

Goon May excused herself to toilet to check what’s with her elder sister taking so long in there. I was left with Voon Pang. Though it wasn’t shown on her expression, but I guess she was feeling a little tensed, too. She paced a little (but I paced much more), and then went into the nearest clothes shop to make a round inside it. I didn’t follow her in, because… it was just downright awkward to do so. But she came out shortly after that, and we stood there, not a word exchanged between us. I kept rubbing my hands in nervousness. I guess I’m not all that great with trying to hide my expressions when I’m nervous. And I kept looking at her, drowned in how much I missed her, and that she’s now with me… and that she’s so really beautiful.

When Goon May returned with her elder sister, the four of us walked to meet up with the others, who apparently are around Starbucks. I guess it was because Voon Pang was nervous as I am, because she seemed to walking pretty fast, and she was way ahead of us. And I was too caught-up with her in my mind that I forgot to greet Goon May’s sister until half-way away to Starbucks.

We met up with the others who were Madelene, two girls, and a few more boys. But it was only Madelene who I knew, the others were pretty much strangers. A big bunch of us hanged around there for a pretty long while because there was trouble trying to decide on where to go for dinner, as some have eaten, some not. I haven’t taken dinner yet.

Actually, I didn’t think that there would be so many people turning up. I didn’t count, but I’m positive that the numbers surely have surpassed 16 people. Finally, we settled down in a restaurant, in which the name I couldn’t recall. It was pretty chaotic, the waitresses, the ambience, and dim lightings. With us big bunch of people, we didn’t even have comfortable seating places even with two big tables combined together. Conversations could only be exchanged at the very furthest distance of two people away from one another, as there were in-house singers on the elevated stage booming away the speakers.

Needless to say, it wasn’t all that a great place to settle down. But I guess we didn’t have a choice with a group so big like this and in such a crowded area because everyone’s flooding The Curve, awaiting the countdown at midnight later. Voon Pang and Madelene were sitting next to each other, and they were only about three seats away from where I was seated. Accompanied by my left is a boy who I thought was trying to be cool, and my right are three people crammed in spot, which are Goon May, her elder sister, and her elder sister’s partner (an elder guy, probably the same age as Goon May’s sister, who is 21, and he’s a really nice guy).

I heard my name being called out. To my pleasant surprise, it was Voon Pang who was calling my name from her place. “Kean Lee,” and she pointed at the drinks menu she was holding, asking if I have decided on what I wanted. I smiled, and nodded. After that, she and Madelene giggled, then Madelene looked at me for a moment. It has been a while since I heard my name being called out by her. How much I missed it…

After ordering our drinks (which I thought was priced a little overboard), Madelene and Voon Pang swapped places with a person, thus we were then one seat closer to each other. However, that still didn’t give us ample chance to talk to each other. Background music was accompanied by Chinese songs sung by the in-house singers, in which I was very grateful because I’m always more at ease with Chinese songs to English ones. Voon Pang and Madelene then went off to buy aerosol Snow Sprays, so they left their seat. I was seeing Voon Pang off, and while she was just outside the restaurant, she looked back once and I thought our eyes met, so I quickly looked down, pretending nothing happened while picking up my Milk Bubble Tea and began to sipping on it. Strangely enough, the guys seated on my left vacated their seat not too long after that, too.

And when Madelene and Voon Pang came back, they sat right next to me, on my left. But it was Madelene who was just beside me, not Voon Pang. But I guess that was good enough, because Voon Pang’s close enough to me that we could talk. It’s obvious enough to me that Madelene is trying her best to help me out between Voon Pang and I. Not too long after that, Goon May’s sister said that she wants to have dinner, but not in this restaurant. Actually, most of us there were merely having a drink in that restaurant, as the menu didn’t look enticing enough. And Goon May’s sister asked Goon May and I to come along, along with her partner, so we could have dinner, while being able to talk to one another in a smaller group. However, I was thinking hard if I should follow them, because that would mean I would leave Voon Pang. So I asked Goon May if it is okay that I asked Voon Pang and Madelene to come along. She liked the idea, so we asked them.

I was actually worried. Worried that Voon Pang would decline, saying that she doesn’t want to follow. Furthermore, since Voon Pang and Madelene were stuck to each other, and Madelene’s the organiser, it would be weird that Madelene is to just leave the whole bigger group to settle on their own, while we go and find a place for dinner.

“Do you wanna come with us?? We’re going to find a place to have dinner.” I asked Voon Pang.
“This place isn’t good??” Madelene asked.
“The food on the menu doesn’t look that good…” Goon May’s sister and I agreed. “So we wanna go somewhere else in a smaller group for dinner.”

Madelene and Voon Pang were thinking. And I thought it was the best time to persuade them.

“Do you wanna stay here, or do you wanna be with us?” I spoke in Mandarin. “Come lah… come with us…”
“Okay. Let’s go!” Voon Pang agreed.

And I was shocked by her response. She actually agreed!! And it was weird that Madelene and us left the entire big group of people without another word of goodbye or explanation of where we were going to. I was elated, really elated that I couldn’t believe that Voon Pang agreed to come with Goon May and us. Maybe it’s that I think a little too much, that I tend to be more sensitive, but even you could have known that luck and chance doesn’t happen all that to your favour almost every time. This is why I think perhaps it was because of me, of that there is sincerity between Voon Pang and I that we want to be as close together as before, that’s why she agreed to come with us.

After trying to scout for a place to settle for dinner, we finally settled at Paddington’s House of Pancakes. We took a little while flipping though the very elaborate menu of over 600 different dishes and finally ordered some two pancake dishes which we would all share. After the very friendly waiter took our order, it was already 10.30pm.

Our seating area was in a secluded corner, which I thought was very cosy for our six-people group. Just for the memory, I’m writing it down here; the group consisted of me, Voon Pang, Madelene, Goon May, Goon May’s elder sister, and Goon May’s elder sister’s partner. Since the group was small, we had more time to talk to each other. Thing is… I wasn’t seating beside Voon Pang, nor was sitting opposite of her. Instead, it was a 45 degree angle. The girls were joking most of the time, enjoying themselves a lot. And because they were joking almost the whole time, I didn’t get the chance to talk to Voon Pang.

But I kept looking at her, smiling. When she looks at me, I would look away, trying to escape the obvious that I’m looking at her. I wasn’t so nervous as before; glad that I’ve cooled down a lot if not I wouldn’t even be able to hold my fork and knife that she passed to me.

Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed it. If I was the organiser, I would almost never do a thing as to leave my other friends who I invited out just to be with a smaller and closer group of friends. But that was exactly what Madelene did. And she didn’t mind. The reason why more grateful and thankful I am to owe everything to her. But at a point of time, it struck me that what if, just what if, they wanted to rejoin with the bigger group just now after this dinner. I was a little fearful of what is to happen, because I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be physically close to Voon Pang anymore.

Goon May’s elder sister wanted to treat all of us, but we insisted to pay for our share. After that, we went down to join the crowd that were already starting to spray one another with the aerosol Snow Spray. It was then about 11.20pm. The crowd was too dense; I don’t really mind dense crowds, but it’s just that I’m worried for her, so I kept trying to shelter her by stretching out my arm from behind to protect her from the people rubbing against each other. There was also Goon May and Madelene who I’ve got to look after of… but I couldn’t shelter all of them at once as I’ve got only a pair of hands, so I kept trying to shelter Voon Pang, as she seems to be walking a little ahead of us at times.

The crowd got denser, and more people randomly spraying strangers, thus the aerosol gas was filling the air, and that is was an irritant. It made my nose runny and I kept coughing. I even thought that I needed my antihistamine (I’ve prepared it beforehand, just in case my nose is going to spoil my day) for my runny nose, but in the end, I didn’t take it, because it isn’t that bad after all. The air was so filled with that weird-smelling gas that Goon May, her sister, and Voon Pang have all got to use their cardigans to cover their nose and mouth.

It was getting closer and closer to midnight. It was about 11.40pm then. Voon Pang and Madelene bought a few more cans of aerosols from the lady standing right beside us, repeatedly chanting “Five for ten, five for ten,” the entire time we were there which pretty much burnt into our heads. I didn’t play with the Snow Spray, but was merely standing just beside and almost right behind Voon Pang to shelter her from the massive crowd, and also from the random sprays all over. Voon Pang even took a can out, offered me to have it, but I kindly declined it. I guess I was just… perhaps, shy to accept something from her. But that also made me look not so sporting, which was a bad image, in my thinking.

Seconds were ticking closer to midnight. While standing beside her, the fireworks suddenly went off flashing its glamour in the sky. I really love fireworks, and they’re always really beautiful, especially those really big ones. It was midnight. So, year 2008 has ended. It hasn’t been a very good year for me anyways, so I guess there aren’t any memories of it, other than the beautiful ones that I have all written about. I looked at her from her back, smiling. She’s looking up the sky, covering her nose and mouth with her cardigan, and I believe, she’s smiling, enjoying the fireworks.

She was the last person I saw during the last seconds of year 2008, and the first person I saw when the clock stuck midnight, entering the year 2009. And the first words that I said during the New Year were to her. Although she did not hear it, but I know it could be felt by her heart. At least, the way I try to think of it consoles me.

People were just spraying their Snow Spray anywhere and everywhere, causing a heavy shower of white Snow foams landing on our heads. I tried covering her head, because very heavy Snow foams can get pretty messy. I tried to make it less obvious, and even wanted so much to wipe it off her hair… but I didn’t dare, afraid that she would not like it.

The fireworks ended in a typical spectacular manner with all sorts of them lighting up the skies. It was a scene. After that, we hanged-on there for a little moment, before we decided to make a move. However, it seems that the crowd already begun moving out of the area, causing a massive jam with all people trying to worm out of the gigantic crowd of thousands of people. We tried to stick close to each other while trying to move out of the place, but because of the crowd, we eventually got split into two groups. I was with Madelene and Voon Pang.

Voon Pang was a little ahead of us, leaving Madelene and I behind. I felt unease with her walking alone in front of us, because I should actually be right behind her, sheltering her shoulder from the crowd. But instead, I found myself holding on to Madelene’s shoulders, guiding her way instead of Voon Pang’s, because I was only right behind Madelene.

We made our way upstairs to the second floor, above Sakae Sushi, and along the wider corridors of Kim Gary. I was trying to contact Goon May on the phone because I was to fetch her back home, but my attempts failed because the lines must’ve been overloaded with others’ calls. So I was there, with both Voon Pang and Madelene for some pretty long moments together.

They decided to do a little photo-taking. Voon Pang handed me her black Sony camera and I was made the photographer. I took pictures of them, and also candid shots of them playing with the remaining Snow Spray. Voon Pang then suggested that we have a group picture of three of us together. My feelings leaped with happiness the moment I heard her say that. She asked a male stranger to help us take our photo. Voon Pang stood in the middle, while I was at her left, Madelene at her right. And that person who helped us took pictures thought that he didn’t do well at his first shot, so he said, “One more, one more!!” I happily obliged, taking the second picture. This is the first time ever she willingly wanted to take pictures of us together.

While I was taking both of their pictures, Voon Pang playfully sprayed some Snow from the can she was holding in hand towards me. She did that either because she’s playing with me, or just perhaps she’s intending to add effects to the pictures. She laughed when the Snow landed on me. And she looked really beautiful to me, when she posed for the camera. While taking pictures for them, my eyes was only focusing on her… my heart squeezed, appreciating such a beautiful moment, and knowing that this is one of those very few happy days that I get to experience in life.

I finally asked her the question that I have been wanting to ask her since hours ago:

“So you’re following her (Madelene) back??” I asked.
“Yeah,” She replied.
“Where do you stay??” I asked.

I know where she stays, of course, but I thought it would look more natural if I pretended to not know. When she told me where she stayed, I offered to fetch her back, saying it’s easier for both her and her brother.

“Erm… but I’ve already told my brother to fetch me…” she replied.
“Ohh…” I smiled, feeling bitter.

I actually wanted to persuade her further, but I didn’t have the guts to do it, also with the idea that persuasion might cause annoyance. If I fetch her back home, both of us would be together and feel more comfortable to talk about the things which are personal between us.

After a long while when the lines were less overcrowded, Goon May’s sister finally managed to call me, asking me where I am. And while waiting for them to arrive, Madelene finally made the dreaded announcement that her parents might now be waiting outside. So, Voon Pang and Madelene walked off, leaving me to think quickly if that I should stand here to wait for Goon May and her sister. I thought that Goon May surely could wait for me when she arrives, and the girls’ safety were the utmost importance, so I followed Voon Pang and Madelene out The Curve, to meet up with Madelene’s elder sister, Amanda, who’s already waiting outside.

It was some hurry to get out of that place, with Madelene pretty worried that her parents might get heated if she turns-up late. We finally found Amanda standing there, accompanied by another guy, couple or friend I couldn’t tell. I stood there with them until Goon May called me once again, asking me where I am. Pretty reluctant to leave because I’m worried of them being out of my sight, looked at the boy accompanying Amanda, and told him to keep an eye out for them while I have to rush off. And I bid them goodbye. Ahh… that was the moment when Voon Pang bid me goodbye, but with a bitter smile. That was the last sight of her, and the time was about 1.15am.

I met-up with Goon May and fetched her back. However, the cars were barely even crawling out of the car park with everyone desperate trying to get out of the car park and with the massive traffic jam outside. Just trying to get out of the car park alone took me more than an hour. Perhaps it was a good thing for this massive jam to happen, because accompanied beside me was Goon May, and I really wanted to talk to her about many things about what happened today.

“So what do you think about my performance today??” I asked. “How did I do??”
“Okay lar. I saw you protecting her.” She said.

She actually noticed me trying to protect Voon Pang. I guess, for her to notice that meant that my actions were done a little too obvious.

“Don’t worry lar. I think she didn’t realise it…” She consoled me. “…or maybe she did.”

I called Madelene, asking that if they arrived back home safely, and that if Voon Pang is safe. She told me that they have already reached back home, and Voon Pang’s brother will be coming to pick her up from her place, as planned. I heaved a breath of relief; I was worried about them, after leaving without having the chance to see them off.

Goon May kept saying that she felt bad about having to trouble me to fetch her back.
“It’s really okay. I don’t mind!!” I reassured her. “Sometimes when people tell you that they don’t mind, but actually in their hearts, they do mind. But for me, I really don’t mind. I mean what I say”
“You’re very kind.” That was her reply. I didn’t expect that.

“You and her didn’t really talk today…” Goon May asked.
“Yeah… it’s just that… long time haven’t been talking to each other…” I said.
“She said she felt awkward also.” Goon May said.
“You mean, she actually said that??”
“Yeah…”

I think I should feel glad about that… because, you wouldn’t just anyhow feel awkward towards someone if nothing has happened in between both of you. And her feelings of the same awkwardness translates that there is shyness between both of us, that is because of the same reason. It would only be a weird and bad thing if she doesn’t feel awkward, because that means that she has forgotten our past, and forgotten much about me. And thankfully, the latter isn’t our situation.

With the jam giving us more private time to talk about stuff, we chatted pretty much about many things. I finally got Goon May back home, reaching only at around 3.10am.

I reached home at 3.30am, took a last smell of my collared-shirt, trying to remember the scent of it, reminding myself that it is this shirt that I wore and was close to her. I bathed, and went to sleep directly after that. It was probably 4am, by then.

This story is written on the first of January, directly after I woke up at 8am. I didn’t exactly have a good sleep, because throughout the night and even after I woke up, my head was throbbing of the memories of the night before. But the worst past is when I woke up and when I tried return to my sleep, I couldn’t because the feelings that I am missing her so very dearly kept nudging me. It is one of those moments when you feel that you miss a person so very much that you would do anything just to see that person.

Sitting here with this computer and story written in detail, I could only smell yesterday’s aerosol sprays in my head, remembering the scenes of her. Even after writing more than two hundred posts in this blog, I still fail to find words to describe my feelings right now. I feel deep, really deep, a missing patch, a growing mist of missing her. Love is like this. It is like this when you know you’re going to love only that very person, forever.

I have spent my entire New Year day writing this story. Like all the other written posts, they only serve the purpose of retaining the memory of it. It is now 11.18pm, and at this time yesterday, I am sure I was looking at her.

31 12 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 09:28:00 +0000

Wednesday, 31/12/08

I don’t have the time to blog. I’m supposed to go out with some friends for countdown in a few hours time. Actually, about only in two hours time.

Thing is, one of those friends is Voon Pang herself.

No, you didn’t read that wrongly or neither I am dreaming. It’s a piece of news that I just received today, as told by Madelene.

I guess that statement conjures much thought and thinking which makes up for this short post long.

I sighed. It seems that there’s a big problem with this whole planning. Perhaps it’s fate. Perhaps it is fate that is trying to stop everyone from going, so that Voon Pang and I would have a quieter surrounding, so that we have a chance to patch-up.

I don’t know. The more I think of it while writing now, the more jumbled-up my mind gets. I am now trying to keep a positive thinking, telling myself that I shall just be myself, and perform at my very best.

…because, she recognises the Kean Lee she met, more than a year ago, during that Friday afternoon.

Second Year Anniversary

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 14:18:00 +0000

Merry Christmas, Thursday, 25/12/08

Today is the Second Year Anniversary of this blog.

When I first posted up my first post two years ago, I never had the slightest imagination that this blog would last till today.

Through the course of two years, this blog has gone far, although not with fame, but with experience, as a journal, as a life-love diary of myself. The truth is, I find it most cruel to stand here, looking back exactly two years ago and to realise that that memory seemed like only just two weeks ago. And in those two weeks ago, I had never imagined that I would change so much, to become more mature, to see new things, and most of all, to meet Voon Pang.

I can’t remember the reason why two years ago, I decided to start a blog on Christmas Day itself. Perhaps it was that I was bored.

I’ve got some thinking and writing to do today. I’ve got to think of what to write for Voon Pang’s and Madelene’s letter that is going to accompany their birthday presents. I haven’t even started on thinking of what to write, yet, but I know I’ve got to finish it as soon as possible because I need to get it to their hands before school reopens. I just hope that in spite that my handwriting would most probably turn out horrible, I would be able to touch her heart with my words.

Finally, I’ll end this post with a very Merry Christmas to all!! It’s nice to know that tomorrow’s a Friday, and I wonder what I’m going to do tomorrow…

Twenty Third…

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 14:16:00 +0000

Tuesday, 23/12/08

There are some things that I did that makes me wonder if what I just did was right. And I’ve learned that in life, whenever we want to do something, we’ll have to think it over first, about its considerations and consequences. However, there are trying times when thinking will not help give us an answer to what we should do in very tough situations. And this is where your heart comes in. This is when you choose a path that you merely feel is more suitable to your feelings.

The days are nearing her birthday, so I need to think of the gifts that I must get for her. While I was bathing yesterday, an idea struck me. And I thought it was brilliant idea!! Since she is now working in the school bookshop, I shall get her presents as soon as possible, and hand it over to her before school reopens. This way is a more practical way, rather than having to plan a very detailed meet-up-and-delivery plan when school reopens, where I would need my friends as messengers to pass the gifts to her. Also, this way is also more viable, as I don’t have to risk the gifts being lost, unreachable, or the worst – confiscated by the school authorities.

Realising the days are nearing the end of the year; I have got to act fast, real fast. What really motivates me is the limited time I have left, with the fact that I have no idea of when she is going to stop working there. So, to make sure things go well, I rather be safe than sorry.

Not very experienced in choosing gifts, I thought it was best to ask for some help. I called up my usual friends, who we often go out together (classmates from 5 Angsana). And I know they must be the right people, because they’re both girls, and very open with me. It was all done by yesterday, and they’re all good about going out today.

I woke up at 9.30am today. I’ve got all my time very well planned:

10.30am – Got to McDonalds for a light breakfast.
11.00am – Find Abigail’s house.
11.30am – Pick Abigail up.
11.45am – Pick Hui Leng up.

It has been long since I felt so organised with my time. I feel pretty excited when I’ve got control with my time. And as for picking them up, that is the least simple courtesy that I can show since they’re both willing just to come out to help me choose gifts for Voon Pang.

Suddenly, Abigail messaged me, telling me that I don’t have to pick her up, since her mom is also going to OU. So that means I have got more time. And since I was already out of the house at 10.30am, while I’m only supposed to get Hui Leng at around noon, it would only mean that I have to hang-around somewhere to kill time.

And of all places to hang-out, I chose to drive to school. I thought that would be a good idea, since it was on the way to Hui Leng’s house…

But I know that’s just an excuse made-up by myself. I know very well the reason why I choose to hang-out in school. It’s because of Voon Pang. She’s working in the school bookshop. And although I will not be going inside the school to see her, but at least, I would feel closer to her.

When I reached school, I saw there were more cars parked outside than usual. I found it unusual because now’s the school holidays, and people don’t go to school during school holidays. Until when I saw a few parents with their children getting in and out of their cars and into the opened black-coloured school gate, I then understood why: they’re buying schoolbooks for next year.

I parked my car just outside of the school, where the Biology lab is just on my left. I continued on finishing on my McDonalds breakfast while trying to recognise the faces of the very few people who were going in and out of the school.

I thought to myself, “The gates are open, they’re people going in the school to buy books in the bookshop, so that means the bookshop is open. The guard probably wouldn’t care that if you enter, because he would think that you’re buying books, too…” And I knew this isn’t the part of the plan; I didn’t even have the intention of entering school.

The next thing I knew is that I was out of the car and walking into the school. There was a note stuck on the school wall, right beside the gates:

Kedai Buku
9.00am – 2.00pm

And I smiled. I then knew her working hours.

Surprised, I was, when the guard called out from the Guard House, asking me where I’m headed to, so I nonchalantly said “Bookstore” in Malay, while still walking in. It is pretty saddening to know that the guard doesn’t recognise you without your school uniform on while you knowing that your five years in this school moulded the most of your character and personality of your life. Perhaps that’s okay, because maybe that guard’s new. I’m pretty positive that Uncle Bala, our school warden, still recognises me.

I was walking across the school Car Park. I was walking fast because the sun’s rays were scorching me. I was practically telling myself that I’m crazy; that I’m out of my senses to know that I’m actually striding across this patch of land, and my head was knocking into me the very fact that right after this, the next thing I would see is Voon Pang.

“It’s okay. It’s just that you’re here to see if she’s really here, and if she’s doing fine.” I told myself. “You’re just going to take a peek at her.”

I slowed my steps as I reached the green shades of Taylors Walk. There was an Indian boy who I was certain he’s a student, and his mother beside him, bending forward to what I realised is a table. So, it seems there is a table put just outside the bookstore.

I was very quiet, trying to sneak myself closer to the bookshop that was just about two metres in front of me. I edged in just a little forward, trying to see the working place of hers, wondering if the heat really is a difficulty for her. I miss her very much, but I care for her even much more. I’m worried that if her nose bleeds again… or that she has got lunch everyday… or that if she’s safe working in such a dingy and shabby place…

And just that very tiny edging forward, I saw her. It wasn’t a full view of her, but rather only just the right part of her head. My heart skipped a beat. Her eyes moved up, from the table below her to where I was standing. Voon Pang saw me. Immediately, I looked away, walking off to where I came, quickly. And I thought I did very well that I was so quiet and all, but yet, she still saw me. But for the fact that I evaded quickly enough, it is still a wonder that if she recognised that it was me, Kean Lee, or not.

As I walked back to the scorching hot Car Park that was under the sun, I looked back for once, hoping that she would leave the bookshop to look at me, or that she would call out my name… or that she would run to me. But there wasn’t even a sight of her… she didn’t even come to have a lookout for me. I consoled myself, telling myself that perhaps she really didn’t recognise me…

While Abigail and I were choosing coloured envelopes, I stuttered to her, “You know… it’s like… every time it’s the same. It’s always chocolates…” Though I realised it myself, but I still found it consoling for her to repeat what I had in mind, “But it’s the heart that counts,”

The shopping for gifts today wasn’t only for Voon Pang’s birthday present, but also Madelene’s, as her birthday is just a few days before Voon Pang’s. I didn’t get anything elaborate for them, but something merely simple this year. By the looks of it, I have better start saving up when nearing the end of every year, because I want to be ‘budgetless’ when it comes to gifts for the people who matters the world to me.

Year 2008 is a bad year for me. I thought that those two times that we met would only be the two times that I met her this year, one by arrangement by Madelene, the second time by co-incidence. Today’s the third time this year, and the very first time I held the courage to go look for her. Despite that I despise myself that I still lacked the courage to make eye contact with her and talk to her in person, but I felt that I’m getting closer to what I want to become: a braver person who is finally ready to see Voon Pang in person.

And there you go: I have written another detailed story of myself after what seemed like a long time. I trust that there are readers out there who return here day after day, hopeful that there is a new story to read. And this is my Christmas gift to you, and also to myself, that I could see her.

The next post will be written tomorrow, about this blog’s second year anniversary. Rest be assured that that post will be up as soon as it’s finished writing.

The Second Outing

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:10:00 +0000

Friday, 19/12/08

I am aware of what’s special today. Today is the day where exactly eleven months have passed since her fourteenth birthday, and exactly a month before her fifteenth birthday. I wished that I could do something special today, since today is such a special day.

And I don’t know that if I will ever publish this post.

I slept at 6am yesterday, and naturally, I’m supposed to wake up a little later this afternoon. However, I was awakened from my sleep when my mobile rang at about 1.15pm.

It was Madelene who called. She asked me what if I could go out. Without second thoughts, I agreed. She then profusely apologised for such a last minute notice, and I consoled her telling that it’s okay, because I’m free the entire day anyways. So, we agreed to meet up at OU at 2.00pm.

Arriving pretty late at 2.40pm, both of us met up. She then explained why this is such a last minute notice, but nevertheless, was very grateful that I could come out with her today.

We walked around, before accompanying me to a late lunch in Dragon-i. She didn’t really eat, but merely took a bite of a wanton that came with my noodles. And we spent the next hour or so talking with each other.

And the topic that both of us were more interested in was about Voon Pang. She shared with me of what Voon Pang was doing during this holidays, and other many little stories about her. I, too, told her some of the many things that she didn’t know of, and many of them were my memories.

Had I not went out with Madelene today, I would have regretted it a lot, because we talked pretty much about Voon Pang.

Later in the evening, we then met up with Goon May and another guy, in which I keep forgetting his name, but nevertheless, both of them my juniors that shared our 5 Angsana/1 Jati class, last year. We walked and talked and laughed about stuffs, till about 8pm, when Goon May received an SMS that informed her that she has to go home.

But it was very abrupt and unexpected that the joke of Madelene said that she could go to Goon May’s house for a visit, then come back to OU at 10.15pm became a reality, whereby her elder sister, Amanda would then have finished her Twilight movie. And so, I fetched Madelene to Goon May’s house, while Goon May’s mum fetched Goon May and that guy friend all to Goon May’s place.

Goon May’s place is a really big. Her three-storey house really gave us all surprises, although it isn’t Madelene and that guy’s first time being there. There were many rooms and lots of stuffs that amazed us all because probably we’ve never been given the privilege of such a laid-back and humble tour, courtesy of Goon May.

Or maybe it was just me myself feeling that way. Goon May and I were friends last year, where I remember during the recess of the afternoon session on Fridays, I would ask her where Voon Pang is, probably because I have something interesting to tell Voon Pang or perhaps I just wanted to see her. Actually, I think those two reasons came in a package. Oh, now I recall, there was once I was also worried about Voon Pang, because she had a nose-bleed just before classes began.

But since my friendship with Goon May didn’t have anything much to talk about, added with the time that we only occasionally see each other, our friendship wasn’t that as close, very much like what happened to the other CAMEAC members. The only two people who I knew more and seen more often were Voon Pang and Madelene, so naturally, that forged a stronger bond of friendship between me and them.

Because of a weak friendship of Goon May and I have, we no longer communicated. There were occasions where I saw Goon May in school this year when I returned for Taekwondo, but we did not greet each other, pretending that we didn’t know each other, but the real reason behind it was because of the distancing of our friendship after not seeing each for some time.

And of course, I felt bad. I felt bad for distancing apart from a friend who is a good friend of Voon Pang. And that is the story of the friendship between Goon May and I. But until today, when I saw Goon May herself when Madelene and I met up with her and that guy friend, I greeted them with enthusiasm.

After talking to Goon May today, and visiting her house, I realised that she actually is a very humble person. On top of that, even I have a difficulty in trying to describe immensely beautiful personality that is judged by her spoken words and her actions. Though living in a very big house, she speaks with a tone of respect and gentleness, offering generously of what she has. And, I am now thinking, there is a long story behind every such beautiful personality. She surely must have gone though a lot, or if not, something influential to have moulded such a personality.

Today is such an eventful day. Other than learning about new things about Voon Pang, I have learned another equally important thing: After the visit the Goon May’s place, I have seen what money can buy for me. It can buy me a big house, a big car, a big TV screen, a big hall specially for karaoke, and of course, a big grand piano. Although it is unfashionable to say this, but after all, money can never get me someone who truly loves me.

I can be staying in that big house, or maybe even bigger, and with all the money I would ever need, but all those are just physical. If I do not have that love in my heart, then I am to be compared to a shell, living in a place where I got everything I want, but empty inside my shell. Love is the only essence that can really keep you burning. Without that flame, you are merely only living a life to pass time.

And money cannot buy you respect, or pay you through tough times, relationship problems, and friendship. This is why I mentioned that perhaps, Goon May has her own story to tell. And this is also why I feel that I really want to know more of such really nice people.

As of writing, I am very shameful to still fail to recall that boy’s name. He’s a really nice person, too. Perhaps it is because younger people are more innocent in thinking, so that’s why I also feel like wanting to keep in contact with him. This person seems to be able to communicate with us, and me, although still not at the same level of thinking, but certainly more pleasurable as compared to the most of the boys who I talk to.

“...and to those men in the audience, obviously very successful men, I would remind you, what it is to truly be a man. It has absolutely nothing to do with money, achievements, skills, professions, degrees, accomplishments; a real man, loves his wife. A real man, is faithful, to his wife. And a real man, next to God and his country, puts his wife and his children, as the most important thing in his life.”

-Frank Abagnale-

Driving Alone

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 21:11:00 +0000

Wednesday, 10/12/08

I must say that it sure feels good to be able to get yourself anywhere without depending so much on anyone, anymore. Last week, I had the chance to drive back home during the night, and with Yiruma’s music accompanying me, the feeling was just extraordinarily serene.

But as I looked to my left, the seat was vacant. I smiled, and pretended to speak as if someone was sitting beside me. I was driving alone in the night after dinner with my usual pals, and I was thinking of her, imagining her sitting right beside me. It was just the beginning. I’m not exactly sure of the many years to come.

And I drove to school today. I parked my car just outside the school’s gate. I winded down the windows. And, it was in the evening. That familiar scent of air and skies that greeted me every evening is still the same. The only difference was that the gates were closed, and there weren’t any students, so it was very quiet.

Sometimes, I still couldn’t believe and accept the fact that it has been many years already, since I first stepped foot into this school. But it is still the coldest hard fact that affected me the most: schooling life has already ended. Things do come to an end even if, at the beginning, we think that it seems that it will never. Ah, yes, I now remember: When I just started Form 1, I thought that I would have another five long years ahead of me, and that long journey seemed never-ending. Never had I even had the slightest imagination that I would be sitting here, missing it so very much.

Sunset

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 22:09:00 +0000

Thursday, 04/12/08

The intense orange colours and hues that paint the sky just before twilight is such a beauty. Very often, I would be staring at these skies, just allowing myself to float aloft, empty in mind, except for one person. It’s like her picture, at which I could just look at it for a long time, not getting bored of it, but rather a quiet happiness that slowly seeps in; a sense of serene comfort.

Somehow or rather, I feel that sunset sits in between the fence of melancholy and beauty. And I realised that not all people knows how to appreciate this beauty. For as such, I took a picture of a really mesmerising sunset just over the rooftops of my opposite neighbours and had it for my desktop wallpaper, but ironically, Dad asked me why I had I got to put up such a ‘lousy’ picture for my monitor. Dad isn’t a sentimental person. Perhaps, he was a sentimental person before, but it’s just perhaps that as we grow older, the harsh environment forces us to see things differently as compared to before. But perhaps also, that isn’t true, because everything might just lie deep in our individual personalities.

And then, I would be imagining a walk on the beach. I love beaches, and I also really love sunsets. They blend so very well together. And I would think of holding hands. And the sea breeze with that familiar salty scent of the ocean… the sounds of the lapping ocean… Just thinking of such things really is beautiful. Hah, but really, I would want to try it out, one day. But if perhaps not having the chance to walk together with her, it would be me alone; not exactly the full package of beauty, but still a really beautiful experience.

I just passed my driving test last Monday and received my licence on the following Wednesday itself. Now having more freedom being able to get myself to places whenever I want, surely feels so very good. At least, more time accommodation is on my side now. I hope piano lessons is up next, as I no longer need to depend so much on transportation from my parents.

Of a Heart of Sympathy

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:48:00 +0000

Monday, 24/11/08

This story continues from the post that was last written.

That friend of mine gained back my friendship after some chatting online. I thought that perhaps everything before this was just a misunderstanding. Though there was a tinge of feeling that this person is lying to me about the truths, but I shrugged off such idea, because…

…because sometimes, I think I’m too soft-hearted towards the people who I like, and feel close to. I tend to just shrug away the negativity, and even the reality if that person is truly bad. I would just be willing to believe that person is perfect, although deep down myself, I know that person has some flaws. And because of this, I tend to just forgive them even if their reasons are ridiculous, or mere lies; but as long as they show their interest in a continuation of a friendship; I know that I will easily give-in. I know I am weak in this point, but it’s because I do not have many friends.

But this person is my friend, and I believe, my close friend. Close friend – now when I type this, I think it’s not an accurate term to acknowledge that friend; because in reality, I have no close friends. Coming to think of it, I should acknowledge that person just as my good friend. To me, a close friend should be a person who understands me really well, and till date, no one ever has. I guess even if someone were to ever be my close friend, that person would be someone who loves me.

And today, another incident happened. I realised that this friend never quite apologises. Also, this friend isn’t sympathetic towards my feelings. For as such, an instance would be that a misfortune happened to me, but this friend wouldn’t even bother to throw arms of comforting words towards me. Instead, this friend chose just to walk away, to do something that interests him/her more. Moreover, this friend also did not try beating around the bush because he/she just curtly moved away from comforting me, and it was so direct that it seemed utterly rude to do so.

I find it very disheartening and disappointing because, even in my dreams, I would dream about the good things and wishes that actually happens upon this good friend of mine. Very often during my waking hours, I would tend to think of this friend, and wonder how he/she is doing. I believe this is the first time I have felt so much concern over a friend, because before this, the things that only mattered to me were my loved ones. But reality is, this friend tells me I’m considered as one of his/her good friends, but I don’t see it being shown – I don’t see such relationship being shown by this person who thinks of me as his/her “good friend”.

Why after eighteen years of my life that I’ve crossed paths with so many people, have I not found just a friend who could resonance not only with my general personality, but also with my feelings?? Could it be it’s because of my thinking that a couple of my friends tell me that I’m thinking ‘too much’??

Stomach rumbling, and I thought that maybe I could drive to McD to have supper later, but if it wasn’t for what happened that ruined my appetite, I would have been sitting down there, having my regular meal of burgers and fries.
P.S. Yes, it is true that I fear this very good friend of mine would read this, and realise that it’s actually him/herself. If this friend ever does find out, I know it’s a risk of our friendship, or perhaps, a friend who has changed for the better.