My Memory...

If it hadn't been.

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 05 May 2015 13:59:00 +0000

Regret. This is something all of us don't want to experience. Memories of you...the many years together, is everywhere I go, every breath I take, every moment I close my eyes. I recall the moments where we were walking together with Jodi and Huan Jin in the DKs just outside hostel. I remember asking them if they were together, since they look so close to one another, sharing laughters and so many moments together.

Memories. I use to treasure them a lot, as much as it can be double-edged sword. My entire life has been built on this recollection of pasts. A good part of these memories are painful ones, because, sometimes I make the most terrible mistakes of all. But as bad the mistakes that I've made, I always emerge more mature after crossing the finishing line. Teary, looking back, mistakes made, a sorrowful regret...what can I do?

Saying that we should break-up...leaving you...had been one of my greatest mistake that I'd ever made. After going for another person of whom I thought more worthy, only I was made to realize that I'd just let-go what I'd always been dreaming of. Sometimes, one wrong move scars our entire life. And this is one wrong move that has, and will continue to shape my future.

Carmille, my sorry towards you for the things I had done can never be enough. So much writings in this blog over these many, many years, you would think I have developed a certain maturity to have evaded grave mistakes like these. I thought so too. I am disappointed at myself. The only thing I am left to feel now is guilt, the feeling of missing you, the feeling of wanting to turn back time. I love you, Carmille.

Crossroads of Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 17:06:00 +0000

I'm nearing the end of my two week stay in Hong Kong. With so much recent happenings, I came here with the intention to run away from the place where I had made the most memories, because...all those recollections wherever I go stings very badly. I wanted to escape reality, escape my memory, to come here to find a job for a few years, work hard, and try to let the dust of memories settle down in the meantime.

Having been here for almost two weeks, initially, it was difficult. There was still an attachment...a strong attachment to home. Then I reminded myself why I had chosen to come here...closing my eyes, biting my lips, I endured and let the feeling of giving-up slip pass me. And right now, I find myself getting used to the life here, to the efficient and highly reliable transportation, the place, the people, language, food, cost of living...

As I notice how subconsciously I'm beginning to feel comfortable and assimilating into a place that I'll soon call home, ironically, my heart starts to feel a little doubt. Doubt if this is the right thing to do, doubt if I should be staying here... I'm not sure if I should believe that it's just homesick, like everyone says, or if its because of the predicament that I'm in.

And the predicament is that of the feeling that I want to go back to Carmille. As much as I had initially tried to lie to myself that my feelings for her is less than love, but more than as a good friend, I realize that I still think and worry of her too much. She is everywhere in my memory. Peering in further, I then realized I was just pulling a curtain over my true feelings for her. In the attempts to shrug of thoughts of her, I tried imagining myself with someone else, but I see that regardless of who I would be with, my relationship with Carmille had been too long...too much...too deep...........and have been too beautiful that I would never be able to forget her; that I will always have feelings for her, and hence will always be comparing Carmille to my future partner. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to live a life full of regret. I don't want to lose a person whom I truly love, a person who truly understands me, and a person that I have never met that is ever so patient with me.

I tell myself that it would be okay if I don't get a job here in Hong Kong, because I would stand a higher chance of scoring a happier relationship back home. We know what they all say about Hong Kong girls and their materialistic behavior. If I'll be bonded here for a number of years, the pay would be good, but my priority of a happy relationship won't be fulfilled. It is for me to choose now, whether if I risk working here for a better pay, or back home with bad pay but good prospects of fulfilling my life's priorities. After all, money doesn't drive me. Money cannot, and will never be my priority. Money...cannot buy me happiness. A happy family is everything to me. Money can only buy me a shelter and life's necessities.

It is I who was wrong to have wronged Carmille. Even if we ever get back, or that she had already forgiven me, I would never be able to forgive myself. My conscience would never allow that. Especially so much so that I always remind Carmille about loyalty, but it was I who went against my own words.

I will attempt to win her back. But if I ever fail, I will have to accept that it is my kamma. We are heirs to our kamma. Loving Carmille had never been a mistake. Having feelings for her...had been so much of a blessing. Carmille is my everything, and will always...always be my everything.

Looking back at my life's timeline is like overlooking a city's shimmering lights from atop a hill. Some parts are full of beautiful lights, some of them less, with occasionally scattered shimmer standing out in the surrounding darkness. That's life - some beautiful parts, some difficult parts. It's amazing to recall how much I'd walked during my growing years.

Oh yes, now I recall, the last time I was here was in the year-end of 2007. That was...8 years ago. That was a long time ago. Recalling my pasts, this blog had existed since that time, and I remember returning to write a few posts when I was here. Ironic to realize that it seems that then and now didn't seem too different after all - that I'm here writing because of heartbreaks. Eight years is a long time. Eight years is a very long time to not have made any progress in my life's priority - a happy and contented relationship...a partner that I can come home to hug, to tell her the day's happenings, to cuddle and enjoy a movie together...to wish her goodnight, sweet dreams, and I love you.

It's Been Awhile

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 05 Apr 2015 19:40:00 +0000

"記住了, 就是永遠.
結束了, 就是開始."

-16個夏天

The first week of April is almost over. Time passes so fast; so fast that I struggle to catch-up with the times.

Xin, I don't know how long it's been since we last met, where you passed me the handwritten letter telling that she should just remain as good friends instead. I just didn't want to count or be reminded how much time had passed. But what I know is that I feel that quite a bit of time had passed since then.

Do I miss you? Have I ever spared a thought for you since our ending? Have I regretted over the things I'd done? Yes. So very much. I used to tell myself that things would've probably pass quickly since nothing much really started in between us anyway, in addition to the short three months that we were close together. But sitting here today, with so much time had passed in between, I think starting to think that I was wrong to have thought that way because I still do think of you, and the my feelings...didn't change too much with the passing of time.

As for Carmille, words cannot describe how much emotions have went through me during this period of time. Imagining your future that you've finally found a person who you would be willing to open your heart to, to start a new relationship with, comforts me. When that time times, as much as I would feel sad on my part, but I would sincerely feel happy for you; happy that you'd finally open up your heart after being hurt by me, and would give another chance to love again, to find someone better than a bastard like me. I would always love you. And you will always be inside my heart. Your tracks in my life cannot be erased, and I will never want it to be erased from my history. You know me best....you know how much memories mean to me. Thank you Carmille; sorry for all I've hurt you. Please, don't forgive me, because I broke your heart, and my promises towards you.

Life..doesn't run in a parallel system. The mistakes we make, cannot be backtracked. A lot of times, we cannot repair our mistakes. We can only repent and learn not to repeat them. Its ironic that in our countless times of rebirth, we still repeat the same old mistakes. Regret...is what we carry with us throughout our entire lifetime, an indelible dark spot in our life's history, hurtful when reminded, especially if its love.

A relationship...a partner to love...a wife to come home to...is it something so difficult to obtain? Why do I seem like such a failure in this lifetime? A loving husband, with a history of hurt, and having learnt how to love...is this my fate? Envy is all that I see on the streets where everyone is seemingly attached, whereas I am only attached to the feelings of love and memories.

This blog, has always been quiet. Today, it no longer receive any readers. Its like a very patient person, with a great listening ear...willing to listen to my heart, of which I have always been very grateful of. Life hasn't been too reliable for me, but this writing space had always been here for me when I need it. Crying, writing, loving, feelings...thank you for having never let me down before.

"Doesn't matter lah, if I die. No one will care anyway." I told Hong, a good friend my mine.

I had thought long and hard about that. About perishing without a trace. And I've finally come to the conclusion that it's okay. With so, so much heartache, an ending would seem the only way to close the many bitter chapters of life. With the bitterness of depression experienced many years ago that changed so much of the views of my life, it had changed my all-time thought that suicide or death is foolish. It is not foolish. For those who think it's foolish, they have never been there. And there is no need to waste any time explaining to them why it isn't foolish, because they'd ever tasted the bitterness that changed my perceptions that I used to hold before. Depression and suicide requires empathy. There is nothing more to that. It ends there, a period, without explanation.

Xin and Carmille may be my very last. An emotional person like me, as much as a relationship is always a priority in my life, cannot afford any more heartbreaks. I can take no more. As for Xin, lets just assume that I've made one of the greatest mistakes in my life, which has caused to me to give-up any more hope in the future. To harp on a hope to be with someone, just because a relationship is everything for me...I think that's just missing the whole point. Happiness...isn't that everything? You, me, I, myself...aren't these labels of a 'self' we identify with, and which with constantly try to please this 'self'? How about to love someone without necessarily being together with them? After all, that is love, right...to give...to feel that we love them...to wish for their happiness?

I miss you

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 23:25:00 +0000

Carmille...I miss you. I miss you so...so...much...

I love you so much. I still love you so much.

You are my everything. And you will always, always be my everything.

Can we start again?

Memories of You.

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Thu, 26 Feb 2015 20:49:00 +0000

Accidentally clicking on your profile...seeing your picture; you smiling...

...and just today when I went back to college to hand-in the last and final part of my thesis...

...and I almost bumped into your classmates...

...and I'm reminded of you.

Can a person be so cruel? So cruel to call it all off when it hasn't even started? When there wasn't any chance?

Xin Er, moments after moments, I am surprised by the new emotions that I'm experiencing. Missing you have been a great pain for me.

Meeting you...have been a great pain for me.

Loving you......

...has scarred me badly.

And missing you...wondering if you ever spared a thought for me...wondering...wondering...always wondering. Will it ever change anything with all these wonderings?

And writings...it will never get to you. "Does it matter?" I ask myself this question so often. What truly is the purpose to continue on if it isn't for love..? If it isn't for...feelings...? If it isn't for you?

Why is there so much attachment towards you? Shouldn't there be an end already? Three months. Now its four months. Will you ever have the privilege to experience love like how I did? ...because if you will...you will stop at where you're at. Your career ambition of being a clinical psychologist...your views on your character and yourself...your expectations...

...they...won't matter anymore.

Erasing you is the hardest part. Everywhere is you. Thank you. Thank you for once having feelings for me. I will always, always...remember you.

One Year Later

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 20:20:00 +0000

Today is the second day of Chinese New Year. Returning to the usual annual CNY reunion at my relatives place, I did my usual greetings to everyone...

...but I noticed that there was a difference.

A difference as compared to a year ago. I was seemingly more open, bold, and was better at tackling questions from my relatives. I didn't seem like my usual self like the years before...even one year ago, there wasn't so much difference in me. It was like a whole new person who I myself almost didn't recognize. The feeling was very odd, it was me there, but it didn't feel familiar that it was me there.

I then recall that a year ago, I hadn't start my clinical practicum yet. Also, things were then, running smoothly for Carmille and I. And of course...I had not met Xin yet. So uneventful was a year ago that kept me unchanged for years. It is unbelievable how much things have changed just a short span of a year. Difficult it is to see how much change one year would have on me.

Year 2014 had really been a challenge for me. The last was in year 2007 and 08. I now chuckle at how much I've changed over the last year. I miss Carmille. She deserves someone better than me. She is so capable, so much of a heart of love to give...so much that I think I know that I will regret not getting back together with her when I see her with another new person one day.

As for Xin...as much as I deny my feelings...but of course...I am missing her, too. Letting Carmille go because of Xin, as I didn't want to two-time Carmille, and not being able to get with Xin...what can I say? Because of Xin, I am now disenchanted with relationships, for the moment.

Ahhh....I just cannot wrap my hear around the very fact that so much had happened in one year. What makes it more unbelievable is that I have changed so drastically in a year. And in one year...I have lost both Carmille and Xin, both in the last quarter of the year.

"I will remember you forever" I told Xin, in the car on the day she passed me the Letter.

"Me too." she replied.

I have created, and have left too much memories here in Malaysia. There are just too many memories that I can associate with heartbreaks here. For others, it would just be another chapter in life, and with the passing of moments, it will only dawn upon them that it is time to move on. As for me, I have planned on emigrating out of this place that's filled with too much memories. I am going to Hong Kong.

Carmille...thank for you for everything that you've done. You cannot imagine how sorry I am towards you. I deserve so much punishment for causing you so much hurt in our relationship. No, I do not want to think of the wrongs that you've faulted, but only for my mistakes. You have been my everything. Your love and affection...I know...will never be filled by anyone else. I want you to know that during the years that I loved you, I have been sincere. It still stands true that my love for you, you will never understand how much it is. Remember I told you that my love for you is tenfold yours for me? I'm sorry. I will always, always keep you in my heart, and will always, always remember you.

Xin, our 3 months had been short. But our memories seemed to span much more than those mere 3 months. Thank you for making my last moments in college so meaningful, for if it isn't for you, college would just be a mere passing of 4 years to obtain my degree. Thank you for once having feelings for me. In my years of living, not many had shown interest in me. Your feelings for me...and
our 3 months of trying out a potential relationship, I will forever remember this memory.

To the future me who will be reading this in the distant future: You have been though a lot. Remember this one chapter in life that once existed in your life, as much as it had been very painful, those lonely nights, the time spent writing emotional entries like these, those sentimental Jay Chou songs tat accompany your drinking sessions alone...it had been a beautiful memory. Remember that your sadness is just like another page of the many chapter in your life, and when you look back, they look so beautiful...less than a fairy tale, but at least worthy to pen down into a memory. Not many have the opportune to experience such existence. You have been lucky....very lucky to have seen and experience true love. Not everyone gets to experience this. Even Xin, as of recording, hasn't seen this. I know know where you will be in the distant future, but it seems like you'll be in HK when you reread this post. Just remember who you are...the Kean Lee who can give so much love...who is selfless. Forget your ego. And just be selfless...to your patients...to those who might express interest in you...give them the attention for which they crave, as disenchanted as you are..as painful as you feel...provide them with something that you have always longed for but ever able to obtain. Your memories of Xin and Carmille...they will always follow you. They will always be in your heart. Their future partners, you should wish them with happiness wholeheartedly. Xin Er...so much memories...I know. After all, those who have heard about us would shrug off a memory of 3 months. Kean Lee...just remember the mini piano she had given you. Just remember of the memories. Isn't memories the most important thing someone could give to you?

What is success without a happy family? What is success? What do you look forward when you go home? What is left in your memories? What are the songs you listen on your iPod? Xin Er had left me too much memories, as much as heartbreaks. Promises are promises. Xin Er, if you do remember those promises that I've made...I remember them too. It is just that I do not dare to fulfill them given our condition. But of course...I still remember them. You will always take that special place in my heart. And you will always be remembered.

And so is the memory of mine. Silly. I know. This entry is also something that you'll never read. But if you ever do, I guess...it sums up my emotions and feelings.

...the end of another chapter of my life.

Nimitta

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 24 Oct 2014 19:09:00 +0000

Ti-ratana. All along has been my refuge.

But I am not strong enough. At times I still find myself coming back to alcohol for this temporary refuge, although my conviction in the dhamma has increased many-fold in recent years.

As much I have once declared and believe that this blog is one of my refuge to look to, but it is ironic that I can't post in detail my problem, for various fears. So let this just be a reminder for me in the future, if I'm ever to reread this again the future, I would be reminded of a certain juncture in my life that's worth recollecting.

Samsara - truly a state that I cannot bear repeating. Emotional dukkha. I now am beginning to grasp why the wise mentioned why this state is not worth coming-back to. Angry and disappointed, I am, that how Buddhism proves to be more and more true in my life. Painful is my attachment; truly painful is my realization and kamma. Oh, how I had wished that the dhamma isn't so cruelly true.

Sometimes, I think of wanting to end this whole dukkha altogether. But its my undying attachment that pulls me back. But only when I'm on alcohol, all delusional, I feel that it all worth it - to let go. I've had enough. I'm sure my previous-selves have also had enough of this crap. In a delusional state, I think to myself, enough is enough.

A little medicine

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Mon, 11 Nov 2013 22:05:00 +0000

Relationship is like an ill person. And and ill person, at different times, is struck with different severity of pain due to his illness.

I am an ill person. At this moment, my pain is great. My pain feels like it is tearing me apart in the heart.

And the medication to this illness is love. For a very sick man, he would need to take his medications every few hours. And that is how I feel, too. I need her attention and consoling every few moments, to make me feel less painful.

Perhaps she doesn't understand this. Perhaps, the person whom I've loved all this while isn't so emotionally sensitive and mature to see this.

Perhaps she cannot meet this need of mine.

But...does that all matter? This is the question I ask myself everytime when I feel this way about us. But again and again, the returning voice in my head have always been repeating the same answer to me: I love her so much, and that is all that matters, nothing more.

Revisiting past emotions

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 09 Nov 2013 10:06:00 +0000

Turning up the music, tears running down my cheeks, to cover the sounds of my cries.

Yesterday was so beautiful. It was so beautiful that I was so scared it was my last memories with her. I kept rewriting the moments that flowed past, in my heart frantically, not wanting to forget the memories if it was truly my last, hoping with all I can on the other hand that we would be together forever.

I couldn't open my mouth to ask her if she would spend the night with me tonight, or that if tomorrow, Sunday, she would spend some time with me, because I don't want to rob her of her church duties, for which she found a renewed relationship with God.

I want her to know that there is God, but not to forget us. Not to forget that how much we have put into this relationship together...how much I have put into us together.

All this has been very unjust towards me. I have put all my heart and soul into our relationship because of the heartbreaks that I experienced before Carmille. Because, I don't want to fall into the same black hole that I fell into many years ago. But I never knew that I'd feel the same again when I'm in this relationship...

...that, I am starting to revisit the old feelings of myself in the past. I feel that I'm slowly slipping into a depression again, because I am starting to feel my heart freezing up again.

And it was this same girl who's heart has thawed mine from a freeze, to be willing to open up once more.

I want to bring her to my place, to reopen the stashed away box of our college and hostel memories. I want to renew our memories of how much we loved each other in the past.

And to watch a Millionaire's First Love again.

The lyrics of Jay Chou's "Everywhere is You" was, word for word, describing my feelings now. Such a fantasy from a drama...a movie, or an music-video should never have happened to me, I thought.

There are just so many things that is running inside my head right now. So much that meditation is so much of a help to keep the deafening noise and feelings running in my heart. So much so that at times, I find myself breaking down uncontrollably in the most inconvenient times. And at times, I no longer feel anything more but just sadness...not even embarrassment to keep the burst of tears in front of strangers that would stare at me.

There is only so much a person a can take before his pot of emotions overflow. Mine is at the brim already. Threatening to spill over anytime.

All I wish is for us to keep strong together. All I wish is that we will remain together.

I love you...more than you can imagine...

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 06 Nov 2013 22:48:00 +0000

Love is such an deep feeling. Love humbles us so much that we can feel so physically and mentally beaten up at the end of the day. Especially when the involved parties are going through a moment of obstacles together.

As I return to another bout of refuge in this blog, waves of emotions are hitting me. Sometimes, it's hard to see truth as it really is when you're so pressured to do the right thing.

Re-reading my old posts after such a long while, it appears that I haven't changed much. I still am rejoicing in remembering every moment of us together.

But after what happened yesterday, which also took me by surprise, shook me so badly that it reminded me of the very grave fears of falling into a depression as I had experienced before.

There will be many lasts in this relationship if it were to end. I cannot afford to fall into a depression, because I know very well what awaits me if I fall into the third depression. For I so love my parents, and for the cruelty that my previous depression sucked them in, too...it would be so unfair for them.

All I want is to save this relationship. I'll do anything for us to remain together.

And all I know is that I love her so very much. To me, that is all that matters. And to me, that is my everything.

Baggages

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:54:00 +0000

Hello all, for those who are surprised to see this post, after a many year hiatus.

I have been doing good; it's just that I've been lazy in writing new things, though occasionally the feeling of writing comes, like now.

I have been pretty much the same in character...nothing much changed, still the melancholic person and hence that kind of posts you'll probably be seeing in the future.

I don't quite remember writing much when I was in college. I was initially enthusiastic and all excited about my new college, TARC. Switching from Sunway College to TARC really was a beautiful experience, all beginning from the friendlier people to the feel of a real campus life. All those good first impression slowly turned into an attachment, pretty much like what I previously had for my high school. Strangely, back in those days, I didn't feel a need to immortalise the memories I gained there into writing.

I kind of regretted that, actually. Though I still remember much of the memories, but I'm also sure that much beautiful memories are lost through time. I graduated from TARC in June 2010. It's now February 2012...nearing to two years since I graduated.

Sometimes, I do marvel at how the one and a half years there, as compared to the greater amount of time passed, made such an impression onto me, as if it was a large chunk of memory shadowing over something so tiny (the longer amount of time that passed).

I miss college very much. I miss it so much. There will be no going back, I know.

And these are some of the baggages that we would carry with us throughout life. Some memories fade with time, some being overshadowed by more meaningful memories. But this is a particularly beautiful one that I would want to keep forever. I am sure everyone has such a memory...and you would know which is yours if you have a memory that you wouldn't mind repeating your life in there for an eternity, if there was a chance.

I guess this would be a short post. I hope to be back writing, though I cannot be sure if it will be consistent. However, what I do know is that this blog will always be here, stagnant it may be, but it will always be here.

My Pasts

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 09:07:00 +0000

Sunday, 28/06/09

In my past nineteen years of being Kean Lee, of my eyes witnessing so many things before me, I have grown so much, learnt so much, and experienced so many things that have made the personality I, Kean Lee, has today. And it is because of these different things that we experience everyday, it is only natural they make little changes in us as time goes on.

This year alone, with the passing of almost seven months, occurred to me turning points in life that have made me learnt so many new things. And just moments ago, I reflected on the Kean Lee one year ago, and the Kean Lee at this very moment, and saw that the two images are no longer alike. They are now irrelevant, incomparable states of happiness. The personality of me a year ago lives a life that is dependent on my pasts, and I live in my memories that I keep so very close to my heart. But now, I am no longer like that. Now I’m living a life dependable on the present moment, and it seems that my history isn’t anymore for me, a reason to keep living, but rather it now becomes a teacher that guides me whenever I encounter the same problems.

Because of this, today, I have decided to dissolve the attachment that I have for my pasts. It is not that I’m still clinging on to this attachment before today, because in fact, since the very moment that I started to think of Carmille when I return home from college, that was already the beginning where I started to drop my clinging to my pasts. But it is today, that I make myself clear to my very self, that I completely allow the strings holding-on to my pasts to be released.

Although I have always known and been told that I should be living in this present moment rather than the past or the future, it has been hard for me before this, because of the attachment I have for my pasts. But now that I have something on to hold-on to, and it has taken priority over my pasts that I start my reason of living because of this love I have for Carmille, my pasts now become irrelevant in my life. And I’m very, very happy that I love Carmille so very much.

This post probably marks the beginning of a lesser frequency of me blogging because… I’m going to move into my college’s hostel today.

There are many reasons of me moving into hostel. But the two main reasons is because I would want to spend more time with Carmille, because she, too, lives in the hostel, and also that I want to have a greater focus on my academic studies. These two reasons may seem contradicting, but because of my priorities, both of us have devised that studying together will bring us both closer together, and at the same time, helping one another out in our academics.

I know to many, the news of me moving into hostel comes a shocking news. But the part that I, Kean Lee, have got to play is big. There are many considerations, compromises, and sacrifices that I have made to come to this decision. And it has occasionally come to me the selfish thought that I hope she would realise the things that I have done, but I would always remind myself that, that isn’t the point, and it is selfish to even have thought about it, because it should be that as long as she’s happy, that would in turn make me happy. It’s not a matter of hoping that she will realise things or understand, but it matters most that I understand her. In this explanation, it may seem that I am always defending her and neglecting myself, but I hold the belief that love is about tolerance and understanding, and there have been many moments that I haven’t been very understanding or thoughtful towards her feelings, too, that she must have also felt neglected by me, too.

Even to me, occasionally, like the above, my thoughts and thinking can somewhat become very complicated, and trying to iron it out can become a very daunting task. But there is this one thing that we always forget when we face complicated situations like these, that is, as long as both of us love each other with all our heart, we would be able to sail through even the most treacherous trench without a wobble.

I really do love Carmille very, very much.

Loving with All I Can

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 16:28:00 +0000

Saturday, 20/06/09

“Dear… dear…… dear………” she called out to me softly, while I was dreaming away.
“Mmm…?” I turned to look at her when I realised that she was calling me, and smiled at her with love, then held on to her hands.
She looked me in the eyes with a really beautiful and soft gaze. She paused. “I love you…” she said to me.
My heart mellowed at that very instant upon hearing those words from her, I felt as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore, except for her, and that moment of us together. “I love you too” I said to her.

This isn’t the first time that we voiced out words of affection towards one another, but whenever we do, it always, always, touches my heart.

There are still many things that I’ve done with her, which is a memory of us experiencing it for the first time in our relationship, such as the beginning of our relationship, the first time we held hands together, and the first time we hugged, that I’ve yet to put it down here, in words, so that I’ll never forget these first-time moments. But it also is likely that it’ll not show up in this blog, because it is to us, a memory that only both of us are supposed to know; a memory so pure, so beautiful… and personal.

Yes, it is true that, a relationship is another thing added to your life. But to me, it is one of the most, most important thing in my life, that I want to put my whole-self in it.

Love as if you’ve never loved before. Love with all your heart. Because if you put all your heart in a love, your heart will be so moved, that sometimes you’ll cry, not because you’re sad, but because you can physically, and emotionally feel that your heart is so immensely filled with feelings of love and comfort. And this is what I’m feeling now, so on the verge of tears, because I feel so touched by the love I have for Carmille. I want to love her with every part in me, and with everything that I’ve got.

Today marks the ninth time that we went out together. It seems that in every time that we go out together, it is beautifully different, that we go to different places, or that we experience new things… and in every time, it is a different memory, etched so deeply in our hearts.

Place in my heart

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:07:00 +0000

Sunday, 14/06/09

Helloes blog. I’m starting to wonder that if you’re losing a place in my heart because of a very special person who appeared in my life just recently. Even with the many things spilled in words, onto you, but it seems that I have been more open with her, and telling her more things than writing in this blog. And although she is someone who I will run when I need a person to seek solace in, this blog also still remains this place that offers just a listening ear, giving no advice, no comments, and no replies, whenever I seek solace in this blog.

Kean Lee, there are many things I want to remind you about, because even so as you know, and as much as you try to keep these virtues close to heart, but when these things come to you, you seem to lose yourself.

First is that I should have a very understanding mind. I find myself wondering into the different reasons of some things that I expect, but don’t turn out as I expect it to become. For instance, I would expect a person to do something, but that person doesn’t do it at all, only to make me sit there, wondering of why that person didn’t do that certain thing. It is mind-boggling. But as I realise my silliness, I am remembered that the reason I feel all uneasy and unsettled when someone disappoints me is because I have put in too much hope. I need to remind myself that people don’t always do things in ways that I would expect it, because they have their own reasons to it. That person might be busy, that’s why that person didn’t reply to my text message. I don’t have to get all cooked-up about this…

Second, is that I should do things in moderation. Founding something that I like and grown an attachment so strong towards it, shouldn’t mean that I spend all my time with that particular subject. In life, there are many things. And out of these many things in life, there are only a very few that appear to us as our priorities. I feel that there are a few priorities that I have been paying less attention that supposed to, as of late. And it is high time that I see myself falling back into position of where I’m supposed to be, before I lose myself.

Third, is that I should worry less, and have trust. Having expectations and hopes, causes me to expect for certain things to happen, as though these things that I expect is something of nature that will happen naturally, and this forces me to worry about why and the reasons if some things do not turn out as I thought it would be. This point ties well with the first point in the above, but are two separate entities of qualities that I need to reinforce in myself. Have trust Kean Lee, it is the full-stop to all doubts. It is the essence to a relationship.

And as for now, I’m feeling frustrated of some petty things, that I wonder why should I even feel negative about things life this. I really need to be strong as I have always been, getting back on my two feet, fighting together with Carmille in a life that’s full of challenges, and that will build a bond between me and her, so inseparable till the end of time.

Feelings from every moment

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:34:00 +0000

Thursday, 11/06/09

And in these moments of the early morning when I’m feeling tired, I close my eyes, and with a calming background music, I am drifted away, drowned in feelings that makes me feel so peaceful, so much warmth… an unspeakable feeling of beauty that goes deep down into my soul.

Carmille went for a camp today, and would only be back this Saturday. She’s not allowed her mobile during this four-day camp, which makes me so love-sick of her. But two people, although physically apart, but hearts so deeply touched by one another’s and so greatly bonded, behaves so much like two minds alike, being able to feel the feelings of the other person who’s far apart, like telepathy.

And it is only in these times of the night where everyone’s asleep, and surrounding’s so quiet, while I’m in solitude, with a tinge of tiredness in my mind, sets me in this melancholic mood where feelings will flow in me, allowing me to write and express my emotions.

I can write in different ways, expressing my feelings in different ways, and there seems so much of feelings in me now, yet I can’t find the right words to describe every of those feelings. But the only thing I can put into words now, is that, I miss Carmille very, very much, now. And this, is the feeling of love conjures in us, a bittersweet feeling… to love, and to miss a person so very much.

I hope that she enjoys her four-day camp there, eat well, and sleep well. And wherever she is, Kean Lee tags along just next to her, spiritually. I am thinking a lot of her, and wonder if she thinks a lot about me, too.

To Love

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Sunday, 07/06/09

“Do you know what’s the reason we love a person??” I asked.
“Is there… a reason??” she replies, thinking.
“Yes, there is. It’s because we want that person to be happy…”

These past few weeks, I’ve been feeling so very happy. That’s because I’m in love. And being able to, once again, experience love, is a feeling… so soft, so calming, and a deeply touching… that can only be really felt by two hearts together.

And it can really bring me down at times, when she’s not feeling at her best. Rather than the common responsibility, it is that of willingness out of love, that I would try my best to get her all jovial and bubbly again.

And there are many times, I feel that I’m worrying too much, especially when she’s not at her best spirits, that I will just step aside, asking my very self that if I’m just being too much, or just working too hard, thinking of what to do. But no, I remind myself, that this isn’t any sort of work, nor will I ever see it as an obligation, but rather… love. Because there isn’t anything to why about when both people are together.

Because I love her, I would fight for us together, I would do everything, and I’ll be there for her, forever… and the reason is because, I want her to be happy. That will in turn, give me happiness.

Words will always remain as words. Even as I try to express my feelings in words, it always seems an effort too meaningless. It takes more than reading to understand the things I write. It takes the heart.

Getting to Know Deeper…

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Thursday, 04/06/09

Though we see so many people walking around the bustling street, but every single person you see, has got a story to tell. Even a boy like me, have gone though enough experiences to tell a story that will drown you in awe about some things that you have not even thought about.

I am attracted to my partner because of who she is. And, she is a reflective person, which is something we have in common. And remembering that every single person has got so much history to share, I am naturally curious to know what had happened in the past eighteen years in her life.

And when we see a person, it is always that surface-level of personality we see. What’s hidden underneath lies a personality and story that will make us awe-stuck. Reading Carmille’s blog entries of the past, explained me the reasons of some things I noticed about her since some time ago. And it’s these little details that make the inner personality of a person, and it’s these intricate details that we ought to know about our life partners.

To know the whole inner personality of a person, is to me, something that will take lots of time, lots of commitment, and is something so beautifully rewarding. It is this that bonds two people to be inseparable at heart. And what we realise after all, is that it is these little things that we remember of a person.

Leaving May

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:59:00 +0000

Wednesday, 03/06/09

And it is now the month of June. And I reluctantly let the month of May slip away into another memory.

But the only difference that separates last month of May, and all the previous months that gone-by, would be that what I’ve gone through. And what I’ve gone though was so much of a beautiful memory, that when I close my eyes, I would be so dazzled beyond words, to put it down here.

The month of May. In that most favourite month of mine, happened something so magical. It was the month where someone mellowed my frozen heart, leading me into seeing what that I have always refused to… and captured my feelings that I always have thought impossible for anyone to do so.

And it was this month of May that just passed, that I got into a relationship, a really beautiful one, with Carmille.

Holding the hands of the person you love so dearly for the first time, evoked such deep feelings inside me; so moving that it seems that everything else didn’t matter anymore. It was so much of love, so much of a feeling of calmness, peace, and comfort.

Hugging one another tightly, smelling her scent… that feeling makes me feel that both of us will never lose one another, tightly bonded to one another, physically, but so much more at heart.

She is the first person who I have ever been in a relationship with, and I will hope that it will be the last, and that we will be together until we part, taking the last breaths of our lives. Being the first also meant making me experience different things of what love can bring us; everything that we both did together, is a first-time experience for me.

And to miss a person so much, with the heart growing fonder with every moment of anticipating the next moment we’ll see each other, makes me appreciate so very much the meaning and feeling of getting to hold her hands, and getting a kiss from her the moment we meet.

For most people, it is usually the first few memories that will be etched in their hearts. But as for me I would want to see that for everything that we’ve gone though, from the beginning till the last day of our breaths, would be a memory that we’ll never forget. I really want to commit myself whole-heartedly into everything I do, so that everything will turn out most perfectly planned, as everything will be beautifully etched in our hearts… forever.

Beginning

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Wed, 27 May 2009 17:34:00 +0000

Saturday, 23/05/09

This blog went through so much with me. And for the very few readers who have followed me from my earliest posts all the way till today have seen how things have taken its shape through the course of time. And in this entry, I would show you the truth of how some things just are. And perhaps the writings in this post would humbly challenge your perception about how strong you think you are.

This post marks the beginning of a new story that is unfolding just right here where I’m standing. It marks a beginning of another of my experience that you definitely would not even have expected.

Every blog entry that I have written depicts my personality, character, and behaviour of me. It is those things that make every individual unique. And as much as how well we talk and believe ourselves to be, and how much of those virtues we remind ourselves that we possess, when it comes to practical experience when we get to feel it hands-on, that will be the test of how strong we think we are.

Lately, my life has been transforming drastically, perhaps not in the physical world, but certainly up in my mind. Things happening around me have been testing me of how strong I think I am, and the virtues that I remind myself to uphold. When they say that there is so much to learn in every moment you experience, it would often come a phrase too cliché to me. But it’s only when I experience it, only then I am able to appreciate how true those cliché phrases are to me.

Love brings about attachment. And it is two of these things that will push us to want to be with that other person we think about everyday. For instance, I can love a person so very much, and then after a while, realise that that there is also this great sense of attachment towards this girl. But I, Kean Lee, am a person of monogamy; my personality is conditioned to love only one person, and if I think I have found the right one, it would be that person that I will love, forever. However, I learn that I can grow this sense of attachment so strong towards a girl because I have loved her for such a long time, then after that very long time, begin to feel that the feelings left for her would be more of an attachment, rather than love. That is to say, love can fade, but attachment can still prevail. This attachment that has grown, clouds my feelings, it clouds me from knowing that, the truth is, I do not have feelings for her since some time ago. And the reason I can still feel attachment is still prevailing in my heart, would be because of the monogamous personality I have, of only wanting to have feelings for a person. And in this example I have quoted, I’m referring to loving a person in silence for such a long time, and not getting to be with her.

Question falls on that if we should still keep this attachment if our love has faded. My answer would be that it is impractical to continue holding on to this attachment, because even if I’m monogamous, it is a fact that I now realise I have, for some time, lost my feelings for her, but it is that the attachment of me towards her that deceives me into believing that I still love her. There is no point lying to myself that I still like her, after realising that I have actually lost my feelings for her.

I haven’t been seeing Voon Pang for such a long time. I must admit that I have been putting in too much effort in trying to know what she is doing, and how she is doing in school. I am very glad of myself that I could sustain such feelings for her over this long span of time. But I realise that the things I said such as things like these will last forever, is not entirely true. And the biggest contributor to this lost of feelings would be that I couldn’t have any contact with her for such a long time, and that naturally fades my feelings. And I have said that love can still live even though you know you can never be with that person. And that is true. But it’s just that for everything we do, there are conditions attached to it. We cannot take things too literally as what it presents to us to be. I still believe that love can still continue to be there until the day we pass away, even if we know we can never with that person we love, but there are always conditions attached to this statement. And in this case of my feelings for Voon Pang, the condition and reason would be that, I have not seen her and we’ve not been in contact with each other for such a long time, and that I realised that my grown attachment towards her have clouded my feelings for her, that the feelings have already been slowly fading. And when so much of it fades, I would finally realise that it leaves me only a shell of attachment, but with no filling of love inside it. This is why I think it is pointless to continue on with only an empty shell.

And cold hard truths are often painful to accept, because we are so persistent in wanting to hold on to our own beliefs. My belief taught me the nature of impermanence, and everything is subjected to impermanence; nothing lasts forever. I thought my love would be an exception. But I now see how real this cold truth hits me hard on my head, that love, too, is impermanent. It is compared to passion to fire, and a flame of fire eventually burns out, so as passion will eventually fade; the only thing that separates a strong passion and a faded passion is time. But my belief also taught me the solution towards this problem is that I need to sustain it, if I want to keep it alive. I would need something to sustain this feeling of me for Voon Pang, but it is most regrettable and unfortunate for me to say that I am unable to keep it going, because I have not keeping in contact with her fails to fuel my feelings for her.

A relationship is something that I often remind myself not to dive into too quickly. I can repeat that to myself many times, but when reality strikes, it is an all different matter together. It takes time for two people to grow a great sense of love before getting together. That is a foundation that is so crucial beyond words, that will reinforce the feelings of two people, so when already in a relationship, the love between two people would be near impossible to come crumbling down. I am monogamous, so naturally, I want a relationship to last till the day my partner and I pass away. That takes a lot of love. And seeing how love is also subjected to impermanence, it can be very challenging to sustain the love over long periods of time. At the same time, I’m taught that I shouldn’t worry about it, but rather use the time worrying to strengthen the relationship between my partner and me to a closer one. This strengthening is the fuel that keeps love burning, and it is love that keeps two people together. This takes commitment, and it is a great part of constant awareness. Henceforth, with the relationship Carmille and I are in, I am ready to see all my experiences I have learnt throughout the many years of my love life, and the contemplative nature of my mind, to bring us together, till the day we take our last breath.

We aren’t that young anymore. Mom and Dad knew each other when they were about nineteen years old, and they were together since then, till today, till I’m born and sitting here in existence, and till the last day when they will take their last breath. It’s not a matter about age, but it’s a matter of maturity of seeing things, of knowing the nature of love, being in constant awareness, and mindfully cultivating it so that it will ever-sustaining.

And Sometimes.

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:18:00 +0000

Tuesday, 19/05/09

To Carmille, if you happen to come across this, this post is written out of feelings at the present moment, and I believe it would do good to you not to read this. But if you must, I really hope you wouldn’t take this to heart.

And here I am once again, seeking solace in the only place where I’m able to entirely pour my feelings into. I’m writing this now with eyes close to tears, hoping that I would feel much better when I’m done writing.

It’s about today; feelings about today. Just a few months ago, the idea that I would write about my college life wouldn’t even have occurred to me, but it seems as of late, I have been very much absorbed into this college of mine. And perhaps, this sparks the beginning of me starting to story-tell stories of my college life.

But perhaps it is because I’m so absorbed into this one particular person, which caused me to grow this sense of attachment towards this place…

The growing of relationship between Carmille and I is progressing at such a rate that, just only in the second post since the mention of her name, I have already regarded her as someone significant in my life. And this degree of relationship have stemmed in me a growing sense of trust and reliance upon her, making me see her as a person dependable for me to tell her my feelings at different moments, and conversations that I wouldn’t have normally have with other people.

(In an unrelated story, at which I should have announced by now, and it is very unfortunate on my behalf to say that Carmille has decided against switching back to my class, and the reasons are pretty complicated that I would spare the details this time.)

It is an attachment. And in this case, this attachment also came with expectations. Because of the various posts she’s holding in the Student Welfare Committee (SWC), she has been bogged down with mountainous loads of work, and I pity her for that. And with the events coming-up this Friday, she had to stay-up late-night yesterday just to complete it. That resulted in her oversleeping this morning, sacrificed the first lecture, and coming into class with a less jovial mood, due to the amount of stress and workload that is bugging her every moment.

When I was in the days of my depression two years back, my parents could sense it. My parents tried with all their efforts to persuade me into telling them my problems. And the last thing I needed to know while suffering a depression is for them to tell me that my mood affects the entire family; that my family’s mood is also being affected negatively, because of me. Returning to today’s story, I could see how this relates to me; Carmille’s moody feelings is also affecting me.

I normally wouldn’t even bat an eye or care to even wonder if it was for someone else’s problems. But Carmille is somebody close to me, and it doesn’t have to be intentional for me to want to worry about her feelings, but it comes to me naturally; I naturally feel worrisome about her problems, because she is someone close to me.

Less of her feelings affecting my feelings, her moodiness today also caused her to respond less enthusiastically to me today. Sensing it, I thought it better to keep my mouth shut, wanting to give her some time to breathe. She already didn’t seem too happy when she entered class today when she replied my smile with a forced one. And for other course-mates in the same Lecture Hall who didn’t get the signal that she’s already feeling so stressed and still tried to play pathetic jokes with her, I just wanted to shout so loudly at them, but held back, because that would only embarrass Carmille.

I believe that is was more of because that we didn’t really talk today, I got pretty upset. Though she really is bogged down with all those workload and stress, I can understand if she loses her temper to others, but I couldn’t see why she wasn’t too animated with me today, given our already close relationship. If I was in her shoes, I would have probably snapped at others who offended me today, but towards someone close to me, it would be as if nothing had happened, and I would treat this person close to me like how I treat him or her everyday. That was perhaps what hurt me the most. I’m angry at myself and blame myself for not being able to successfully console her, to make her all happy again.

And because I didn’t have my breakfast this morning, my stomach just had to rumble so much with air, on top of my already miserable feelings. Then, it was already time for Carmille to attend another class, while my class is having an hour’s break. However, she decided against attending her class, sacrificing that time to give the volunteers a briefing for the coming big event this Friday. That moment itself, my feelings was already so jumbled up, eyes close to tears. We were then in the canteen.

I took out the Mars bar from my bag, which was initially intended to be shared with her, but seeing that she’s busy with giving briefings to the volunteers of my classmates, I lingered a little while longer to see when she would be done, and if possible, ask her if she’s free to share the chocolate with me. I am a volunteer for this Friday, too, but I didn’t want to force myself to understand whatever she’s saying to the other volunteers (because I couldn’t concentrate at that moment), so I thought it was better that she brief me personally at another time. Hence, I was merely standing there, waiting for her to finish her speech.

And after a couple of minutes, I could no longer contain my feelings, I said nothing, grabbed my Mars bar, and just walked away to the direction heading to the toilet, walking at a pace as if I’m really heading towards the toilet, to avoid suspicion. I walked a little distance to a secluded area where there wasn’t anyone to be seen, sat down, and had the Mars bar for lunch, while asking myself of why am I feeling this way. I could have sworn that if Carmille actually finds me sitting there, I would have burst into tears, though I wouldn’t tell her why.

Sitting there, I hoped that she would have noticed my sudden disappearance, and would give me a call or something. And after some moments, she actually did message me, asking me where I was, and if I was okay. At that instant upon receiving her message, that lifted my mood a lot, because that signalled that she still has me in her mind although having other more important issues and work to resolve. I replied her, reassuring her that I was okay, and that I was just taking a little stroll, which was a white lie.

And when I returned to the canteen, a part of me hoped that she isn’t there because I was afraid that she would ask me if I really was okay, and where did I go, at which I wouldn’t have been be able to answer, and that if I do answer based on my feelings, she would be hurt if she finds out the white lie that I might have said. However, the other part of me really wanted her to still be in the canteen, so that I could see her, because… because I wanted to know if she’s really okay.

It was then time for my next class when I returned to the canteen. I wasn’t too good at hiding my feelings, and returned her with a weak smile when she turned to look at me. With that, I turned my back, and headed to my class, leaving her to continue her briefing with the other volunteers still in the canteen. So many moments like that, I felt so emotionally disturbed inside me that I wanted to hit my head hard on the wall till it bleeds.

I just cannot believe how stupid and childish sometimes I can be. I should have been trying my greatest efforts in trying to lift her mood today, rather than me being more absorbed in myself.

As much as I try to keep an optimistic thought, but life haven’t been treating me so nice lately. With the exams that just ended, came back the results that slapped me on my face. Then came along things like these (that I have just blogged) in life. Just as I thought things couldn’t be more complicated than this, Dad had to tell me that he couldn’t come pick me up from the train station when I was on my back from college. And so, I consoled myself to a meal at McDonalds alone on my way home just now.

Things like this may come too trivial a matter to many, but if it was to happen on you, given that the person who unknowingly and unintentionally hurt you is someone you regard so highly of, it would just be heart searing.

But it’s okay. After writing this whole thing out, I get to see where my fault lies. And I always have to remind myself that it isn’t the fault of others, but it’s within myself, and how I should work around the matter to make it better, and learn from these things.

And tomorrow, I’ll make sure I’ll treat her really well so she would be happy.

A Series of Snags

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:12:00 +0000

Friday, 08/05/09

This would be the first post written on the most beautiful month of the year. And today’s a Friday; and Friday’s are good days for me.

A collective pile of feelings cannot be summarised to give an overall mood that you are experiencing at any particular moment. You can feel happy that you’ve just gotten a string of Distinctions in your examinations, but yet, at the same time, you feel sad that you are experiencing some love problems. In many situations like these, you will realise that you cannot make a conclusion that both good and bad feelings cancel out one another to give you a neutral feeling. A particular feeling is independent of one another, and it is felt differently for different sets of feelings.

This would be one of the very few posts that will shed some light about my college life.

The first thing that made today sour would be my shockingly terrible performance I showed in my last two exam papers that I sat today. Albeit feeling unhappy about this issue, but I’m not all that sore because this is what I would expect to reap from the meagre effort I sowed from my last-minute studies.

Second would be a pretty interesting story to retell about. This regards my college life. Having a natural dislike for college has set my mind towards a no-attachment towards whatsoever issues that has regards to college. But that was in the past year, and in this year, I have learnt what to expect in colleges, and have set myself to be more open with this new college that I’m in. Having said that, I still retained the firm belief that it is near impossible for me to find someone, in such a place, whom I could relate to.

Five months have passed. With my course keeping me busy at all-times, the period of five months passed with a real breeze, without much realisation that I am starting to be sub-consciously going through time with such great speed, gaining momentum of an attachment towards this college. Even so, I wouldn’t say that this feeling is increasing as quickly as an exponential, nor would it be as slow as a very small slope, but yes, the weekly routines of my college life is starting to seep into me, I noticed.

Through this five months being with my classmates in one class, we are learning of each other as days goes by. And it would be very surprising for me to be saying here, that I think I might have found a classmate who I can relate to. And I’m not too surprised when I find myself building a closer bond with this classmate of mine, which fate decides that she is a girl.

Her name is Carmille. A really beautiful name, in my opinion.

I would usually voice out all my feelings to Carmille, most particularly about my little complains I have for some particular classmates that I have a degree of dislike for. And then we would both laugh over the matter, especially when we realise we have the same impression of the person we’re gossiping about. And for both of us to be talking a lot, that is naturally building the friendship-relationship in between us, up to that we started discussing our personal thoughts (in which I would never even have thought twice about doing so to a college-mate) that we would start reminding each other that gossiping is something that should be avoided.

As we got closer, we started to sit next to each other in classes, having much chatting time to ourselves. We would also go for lunch together; and for this past week, we’ve been studying together in the library. Our close-friendship is also gathering jokes and rumours that we’re both couples, which I find it interesting of how quickly rumours can spread.

Attachment grew in between us. The college decided to do class streaming according to our SPM results for Semester Two. I thought it an utterly absurd idea for them not to even suggest this idea when we started fresh in Semester One, and just had to pick the wrong time of doing it now when everyone is perfectly happy and settled with their class. And fate decided that she will advance one class above mine, and that would cruelly mean separating both of us as our classes would be different.

Initially, I thought that I was the only person to feel such growing attachment, and the uneasiness in me had me expressed my feelings for her. But apparently, I was pleasantly surprised that she also admitted to the growing friendship-attachment towards me, and isn’t happy with the class streaming.
She then came up with the idea that she would try-out her new class for one week and see how it goes. If she doesn’t find that she favours her new class, she would appeal for a class change, back to my class. I think that it is an ingenious idea. And of course, as for my part, I would hope very much that she returns to my class, so I would have a companion to sit next to in class, and someone who I can voice out my feelings to. Though the final decision is really up to her and I would respect whatever decision she chooses to make, but I think it’s crucial on my part of persuasion that I have to tell her what I personally hope for, so that she would take considerations of my behalf, too.

Tribute to Some People

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:51:00 +0000

Friday, 10/04/09

I met my classmate from 5 Angsana on the train just a few days ago. And I told her that even still to today, I’m still very attached to school.

“But then you have to get over it lah; I mean, it’s been so long already,” the cliché utter of words that anyone would suggest.

She was sitting on the seat, in the train, while I was holding on to a railing above her, standing just in front of her. I look at this friend of mine whom I’ve known even since before we were together in a common class during Form 4 and 5. Physically, she looked a little older and more matured as compared to the last I saw her. And it was unfair to see how much she has moved on with life after high school, while I looked at myself, still stranded on that same spot, two years ago.

“I also have forgotten a lot of things about school luh,” she added.

I let out a sigh in my mind, bit my lip, and eyes soften, staring into blank space. This is me; this is Kean Lee – a person of his own set of virtues and values, growing at his own pace.

And I thought about the memories of the teachers who had left a pleasant memory in me, and I would like to write them down here, before I, too, forget about such invaluable wealth that I have.

1 Meranti 2003:
Cik Suriani – She was my Form teacher, and also my Maths teacher. And the reason why I could remember her is because of her leniency, and probably also because Form 1 left me a great deal of memories that was a turning point in my life.

Pn. Norsila – My KH teacher. She just has got that attitude that makes me remember of her. There was once, when I joked with my friends in the Sewing Room, kept calling the sewing machine “So sexy~” while touching the smooth lacquered curves of the machine, then only to get a full octave comment that sounded like scolding from Pn. Norsila that went, “Sexy sexy ape?!!”. My friends and I had a good laugh.

2 Meranti 2004:
Pn. Wong – We (our class) knew since Form 1, that she is very lenient when it comes to marking our Art works, thus, we really wished that she would be out Art teacher, replacing out current one, which we didn’t like (of character and stinginess when grading our Art works). And our wish came true – Pn. Wong became our Art teacher this year. And she’s really a very kind woman, and I hoped she won’t retire anytime soon because judging from her ageing looks she is probably a grandmother then.

3 Meranti 2005:
Pn. Tan C.K. – My Form teacher, also my Maths teacher, who scolds a lot. My friends and I would revere her because we knew she is also an Add-Maths teacher, at which is a subject that we thought pretty cool.

Pn. ___(I forgot her name)___ - The teacher that made me liked Sejarah for the first time in high school. Her looks depicts a motherly figure, and a person of such respected age, she often recounted about her experiences and memories during the colonial times when she was still young.

4 Angsana 2006 and 5 Angsana 2007:
Pn. Saik – My Form teacher and also my Physics teacher. And during the first day in Form 4, she said something that went along the lines like, “You all so free, don’t just sit there do nothing. Open up your Physics book and study before the next lesson.” She is a really nice teacher, and it is a surprise that she’s able to tolerate our class.
Memorable quote: “*tsk* class, please keep quiet.”

Pn. Lim – My Biology teacher, who is famed for her sarcasticness and monotone teaching, at which at intervals, she would insert a joke somewhere along her long lectures, at which the class have got to be paying attention to realise that she had just joked.

Pn. Joyce Lim (I think she was previously addressed Pn. Wong) – Probably the one of the few best Sejarah teachers you could find. And an undeniable fact that she was the reason I scored an A for Sejarah in SPM although I never liked Sejarah since Form 1 (except in Form 3’s Sejarah).

Pn. Yap – Undeniable truth that she holds the title of being the one of the best Chemistry teacher I’ve ever had. She is also the mother of the smartest girl in my class, who is also the smartest girl in the school.
Memorable quote: “If you (spill the contents/cause an explosion etc.) the first thing I’m going to do is to go over and squeeze your ears,” “Precisely!”

Mdm. Tan – My Add-Maths teacher who, when in Form 4, always had the penchant of scolding us, and ends-up so heated that she just refuses to teach the class for the entire one or two periods. But when in Form 5, she became much nicer to us. No idea why. Once, during Form 4, she was suddenly so nice to us, and the rumour went along that Pengetua had a little talk with her. It is also regarded as a very uncommon, if not rare, moment to see her laughing.
Memorable quote: “Okay class, put your pens down and stop writing. Go down have some exercise.” And she would almost always say that every Friday when I was in Form 5, at which the Physical Education class was just after her lessons.

Pn. Cecelia – My Moral teacher who leaves lots of memories in me. She’s one funny teacher, and also a very lenient one, but at the same time, very demanding when it comes to our work produced during exams, because she sincerely wants us to score a clean Distinction for her Moral paper.
Memorable quote: “You know what’s good for you and your soul. So don’t go telling the other classes or your friends about what I told you (that is coming out for the exam).”

I have the strongest memory for Form 4 and 5 is because that is the last year that I left school, so the memory inclination lies a lot, especially in the last year. This school has left me the greatest memories I’ve ever had in my years of living. Sometimes, I would close my eyes, counting to a ready, hoping that when I open my eyes, I would be back in those times. And it seemed so real that I could go back into the past where I still, till today, have one of the greatest attachments to. But it is reality which is the most cruel thing to face with, and the loving glow of those buildings that I was once in, shimmering before me, whenever I often pass-by this school.

Heart Still Beats

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:42:00 +0000

Monday, 23/03/09

It has been some time since I last wrote. It’s just that, there aren’t many things to write about. Even if there is, it would be those little petty things running about, occasionally, unworthy of writing.

I have seen a couple of incidences, whereby my friends would ask about my opinion about their love lives. Humbly, I would often give them my point of view. But it’s saddening to see that they often realise their person of affection does not have feelings for them. And these friends of mine, very often, would just give-up and come to a stop to liking that person.

I would heave a breath of sigh at such a thought. Perhaps it means more experience for them to go through, before they would come to an understanding that they should stop looking for someone who will co-incidentally love them too. In my understanding, love not only extends out to a very pleasant feeling, but also a person’s mental development that he’s able to think critically for himself.

There hasn’t been much thinking as of late. As time goes by with love and feelings, the subconscious becomes more influenced; and I’ve been dreaming of her much more often these days. Perhaps a little comical, but I just wanted to share with you a dream that I dreamt about yesterday…

There was this girl whom I know in real life that appeared in my dream yesterday. After a series of events that I did for her out of concern, as a friend, she then held my hand, out of love. My heart beat hard on my chest, falling into a difficult position, and thinking of a way to tell her that I cannot be in a relationship with her. I then wriggled my hand out of her grasp, and she looked at me with an expression of both surprise and confusion. I then began talking to her by first calling her name. But what I realised was that I kept making a mistake by calling out Voon Pang’s name first, then apologised and corrected myself. Throughout my explanation to that girl, I kept repeating my mistake several times, unintentionally, by calling her Voon Pang, instead of her real name.

As all dreams being dreams, they are most often somewhat eccentrically weird in different ways. However, occasionally, sometimes our dreams remind us of things. And that dream reminded me of how attached I am towards the person I feel most emotionally closest to.

To not speak of things that mean everything to us, doesn’t mean that we no longer see it as something that matters in our life anymore. As much as I’ve not been actively updating this blog lately doesn’t mean that my feelings have been slowing down.

Three months have passed. These three months have been a real boring time. Work has caught me up in the never-ending tangle of mess that made me feel that these three months passed-by too quickly. Ah, I’m wrong to calculate that it has been three months, but rather it’s been a mere days to four months. Too quickly this time has passed without giving me time to even feel aware or notice it. It feels like it wasn’t that long ago that I saw her for the first time that Countdown Day, in the bookstore, looking at some Hallmark merchandise. That the nostalgic sight of her made my heart beat so hard out of surprise, reminding me of how very much I miss her, and the so many more things that only the language of feelings can describe.

A Month Since…

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:55:00 +0000

Sunday, 08/02/09

I was hoping for some weeks that I would get to see her yesterday, since Goon May sms-ed me weeks ago, inviting me to her place; because yesterday’s was Goon May’s Chinese New Year party.

And there are some things we hoped for so much, and for a long time, but it just doesn’t come to realisation.

We love a person, and some of us feel that just seeing that person once-in-a-while already makes us feel so privileged.

It’s been a month since this year began. Some things remained steadily still, some other changed. I’m grateful that some things on my side have improved, as compared to last year’s. But then, I compared my priorities and contemplated what we’re all striving towards for… a happy family.

And the core of a happy family stems from love. It’s that love that we’re all striving for.

Hearing some updates about her at Goon May’s place yesterday made me heave a sigh over what all those things I’ve told her two years ago; were they just… forgotten??

Yesterday was the first time I saw the fireworks lit before me, since the last time I saw it with her on this year’s countdown. The melancholic feelings were unbearable as tears wetted my eyes. I would’ve let the tears flowed if it wasn’t for the crowd of strangers around me.

There isn’t much updates on me about what I feel worthy of writing. Of course, there are much things to talk about if I were to diversify my writing genre, but those are very boring and dry topics, hence, unworthy of writing.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the truths of some things and the false assumptions that if we possess these material things, they’ll make us happy…

Happy Chinese New Year!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kean Lee) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Sunday, 25/01/09

Today’s the eve of Chinese New Year. And I could feel all the festivity in the air.

And I’m old enough to have more other worries in my plate rather than having to worry about how much ang pows I’ll be getting this year. It’s so good to be young, when all your worries are only those petty things. And there’s still a long road ahead of me, but I’ll not fret or sigh about how much more I’ve got to endure, because everything will come to me one by one.

Often I see some people, mostly my friends who are younger than me; I admire them, as if they’re more superior than I am. That in turns makes me look-up to them because of the inferior feeling inside me. I mulled over such reaction in feelings, and realised that it’s because that I’m merely judging them on first impression, that is that they’re physically attractive, academically smart, or that they’re socially ‘famous’.

I then reminded myself that first impressions often don’t depict a person of who he/she really is. It’s always the heart that matters; it’s the heart that we’ve got to look into, that really defines his/her personality and maturity. It’s the maturity of a person which seems to set the true admiring feelings; that is to say, it’s more ‘right’ to admire a person by judging from his maturity.

That was the thought of yesterday. Nothing much happened today, though. I pretty much slept throughout the eve of CNY. I can’t say for tomorrow, but I hope it turns out pretty well, but not too hot a day.

And as for you reading here, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year!! I am actually always pretty happy and excited every year when it is this season, not only because of the festivity, but also the week-long holidays.

You and I hope that I’ll have another new blog entry coming up soon!!