My mentally ill life

Important Mental Health Series on USA Today

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Thu, 26 Jun 2014 19:30:00 +0000

This series is as comprehensive a series as I've seen on mainstream media. It focuses on stigma and how the "system" has failed the mentally ill and how it continues to fail them. Of course it's more general than a lot of folks would like, but it's a good place to start learning, for sure....here's the link:
Mental Illness Stigma

Why sometimes my best attempts at frugality fail

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sun, 08 Jun 2014 02:31:00 +0000

I (as usual) was broke. It was the day after payday. I had figured out my budget, I had enough money to pay all the bills, pay for gas, buy pet food/litter and have $75 left over for groceries and miscellaneous. It was going to be tight, but very doable.

But...it was 80 degrees out and all I had were jeans. Jeans that I did not want to cut up. I had no shorts. And oh, how I wanted some on this beautiful "outside in the yard" "sky is blue" day.....so what did I do? I did what any smart broke person would do....I went to the thrift store! Our thrift store in town is great. Long sleeve shirts are a dollar, t-shirts are seventy five cents. Jeans are a dollar, so are slacks. Most shoes are a dollar, too. Coats and jackets are a whopping two dollars. And, shorts are usually seventy five cents. How could I mess this up, right? I'm doing the smartest thing a girl who wants to go shopping could do.

So I walked in, and, in order to savor my experience, I didn't go right to the shorts, I went to the "kitchen gadgets", which are usually a quarter. (Pizza cutters, can openers, measuring cups, they're all kitchen gadgets and I like to see what's there but I don't usually buy.)

But something happened on the way to the kitchen gadgets. What was that, over by the plates? It looks kind of...kind of....green....no...pink...Oh. Wow. It's Depression Glass.

Not just a couple of chipped plates though. Two whole sets. A green set and a pink set. Plates, cups, pitchers, measuring cups, creamers, sugars, cake plates, candy dishes, things I can't even identify, all shiny in just out of the package condition, except they're 80 years old. And I've collected Depression Glass since I was 20. Usually I just buy the odd plate or cup here or there when I can, because stuff like this is usually only on Ebay or in antique stores and I can't afford the prices. But the prices on these pieces...???? Unbelievable, of course, just like the rest of the store....the candy dish? $2.50. the creamer and sugar set, along with the little doohickey that holds/carries them, $7.50 for the set!....the amazing pink measuring cup...$8.00....

I knew I'd never see those prices again, ever, anywhere. I'd never seen them in my whole life. It's not like a good sale at WalMart, where even if it's a really good price, you know it'll probably go on sale again someday....in this situation, the stuff would be gone and that would be it......I was in such a quandary...

Now, I have struggled so much to be financially responsible these last few years. Mostly I have made good choices when it comes to me, but less when it comes to DH. I'd very much like to tell you that I recognized clearly that this situation involved a "want" (or several) and not a "need" and I got my seventy five cent shorts and left....but sadly...I didn't. I ended up getting the shorts AND thirty five dollars worth of Depression glass (which, on Ebay was probably worth about $200, but I won't sell it). And I ended up having to eat a lot of food out of the pantry (which I probably should have done anyway) to cover the shortfall.

Now, had I gone to the store in town and bought a brand new pair of shorts for $15.99......

My Mom passed away

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sun, 11 May 2014 01:06:00 +0000

Well, I guess you all knew it would happen, and what an update, huh? I knew things were getting bad, she really wasn't talking much any more, and then they changed her to pureed food only, because she seemed to eat more when the food didn't have to be chewed up. A couple of months after that change, she was pretty much refusing all food except yogurt and ice cream, but she was drinking plenty of fluids, so the nursing home made sure that she got her calories in that way. She (of course) wasn't gaining any weight, but it made me feel better to know that she was still taking in sustenance.

One night I was at the nursing home feeding her and she aspirated some milk. I hadn't been able to tell if she had swallowed or not, so I stopped giving her the milk. I'm glad I did that because she still had milk in her mouth and must have forgotten that, because she inhaled. Then she started coughing and it sounded like she was drowning. I was so scared! But the nurse said (after checking her out) that nothing went into the lungs, it all just kind of was in the throat. Whew. But about a week later, I got a call from them, because it happened at lunch time, too. They were feeding her yogurt and she aspirated it, and couldn't swallow. They ended up having to use a suction machine to suction the yogurt out. At that time, hospice decided that they were going to stop offering her foods and only offer thickened liquids. At this point, hospice told me that if my mom continued to drink enough, they thought she could last "for a few weeks" but if she was not able to swallow the fluids, then it would only be a matter of days.

On April 21 I got the call, that my mom was choking on everything that they offered her--water, juice, etc., so hospice thought that it would make things worse to try to get her to drink any more. I knew this was it. I took the week off work and spent the rest of the time with my mom. I was with her 24/7. My brother came with his family to visit, but he was so busy keeping track of his kids that he really didn't get much one-on-one time with her. I was glad he came though. That was on Tuesday.

On Wednesday, after listening to my mom's breathing, the hospice nurse predicted that it could be any time. But it wasn't. There was no change throughout the night, and the same on Thursday. I told my mom that her brother wasn't going to make it, as he was having health problems too. I couldn't think of what she could be lingering for, except that maybe she wanted to spend more time with my brother, but he didn't seem inclined to come back. I did keep him updated every few hours. On Friday, there was still no change. When I talked to my brother on Friday night, he said, "some people at work said I should go back up there, what do you think?" I said I thought they were right. So he came up Friday night. He got to the nursing home at about 10:30pm. I left for a couple of hours to make sure he spent time and talked with her etc. I came back at about 12:30am. My brother left at about 1am. I said to my mom, "He went home now, but wasn't it great that he came?" I was holding her hand. The hospice nurse had given me a cd with old hymns on it, the same hymns that we sang every week at the church service at the nursing home. I played the cd and sang along. When I realized I didn't know all the words, I ran and got a church hymnbook and used that to do a better job of singing. At about 2:30am my mom's breathing changed, and I stopped singing. I told her I loved her and I knew she loved me. I was still holding her hand, although it was very very cold. Then her mouth moved a couple of times, not in a painful way, though. Then, although she had not had any movement except eyelids in days, my mom pulled her hand out of mine and was gone.

I am still heartbroken. I thought that I had already done a lot of grieving, but boy was I wrong. My mom had become such a part of my life, visiting her, going to the church service with her, taking her for walks, feeding her, I am lost. The funeral was on April 30. I'm back to work and just try not to think about it while I'm there, as all it takes is one "I'm sorry to hear about your mom," to bring the tears back.

I still have some thank you notes that I need to write, to the nursing home, to the hospice, and to a couple of caregivers at the nursing home who really provided care far beyond what was expected. I learned so much through this journey, and I am sure it will continue to be a learning process.

5 things I learned from my bipolar (II) spouse

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 00:37:00 +0000

Well, it's been at least 8 years now since bipolar has reared its ugly head in my marriage. And I'd like to think that I know some things that I didn't know before....but at the same time, I am constantly surprised by what I don't know or haven't considered yet. So I decided to make a list of some of the things I have learned in these past few years.

(1) Good things aren't always "good" (and bad things aren't necessarily "bad", either) for the bipolar person. Some examples: We had been looking forward so much to DH receiving disability, it seemed like it would never actually happen. When DH received his back pay for his disability (with me as rep/payee, of course), as soon as the money hit MY bank account, DH was in a full-fledged manic episode. Since he has bipolar II, this was unusual. It became one nonstop argument. He wanted this, he wanted that, he wanted me to have a new car, he wanted a big screen TV, he wanted to remodel the bedroom, he wanted to go on a trip, he wanted to do so much! And all I wanted to do was pay bills so that maybe we could have some of those things someday. And the other way....when DH got his DWI, I expected a lot of remorse and some "Well, I'll never do that again!". But I didn't expect that he would embrace treatment like he has, he is going to treatment and taking it seriously. And it's getting him out into the community, out of the house, and talking with people. So treatment has turned into a positive for DH.

(2) Stay tuned, it'll change when you're not expecting it. This one's still tough for me. I've been raised all my life to believe that people are, for the most part, predictable. You know what makes them happy, you know what makes them upset, and you try to use that information to predict your path. With Bipolar II, it's not like that at all. What is pleasant one day can be annoying the next and can be a lifechanger the next. And it's incredibly hard to cope with. I try to remind myself when DH gets upset over something trivial, or something like that, that "it won't stay this way". That has probably saved our marriage more than once. If he was consistently as disagreeable as that part of him that I refer to as "That Guy" is, I could never have lasted. But things change quickly with this disease. Unfortunately, that also means that the great times don't last either. DH might go for two whole weeks where he cleans the house, cleans the litter boxes, takes out the trash and then afterwards tells me how much he appreciates me. Then just as suddenly as it started, it's gone. And he's back to not doing much of anything. So around we go again. But you'll never get the "same old stuff" with a bipolar II spouse, for sure!

(3) Hate the disease, don't hate the person! My husband is a person. He has dreams and hopes and feelings just like everyone else. Probably about 80% of the time, I don't think about him as a person with a mental illness--he's just my husband. A husband who faces daunting obstacles every day, but still--he's not just "a person with mental illness" or "a bipolar". Most of the time he doesn't have a lot of insight into his illness, he believes that he is just like everyone else, only he has to take a bunch of pills. And many of the things that he says and does are not within his control. It's difficult for me to understand sometimes. And I do find myself slipping on this one, especially during extended times where "That Guy" is around--"That Guy" is unreasonable and temperamental. It's hard sometimes, when the unreasonable stuff is emanating from my husband to not just throw up my hands and say "All right, I give up!" But then I remember my caveat from above (it'll change) and decide to stick it out. My husband is a softhearted, gentle person, who tries really hard to do the best he can. I recognize that, and as long as he's still trying, I will, too.

(4) Regular people are the hardest part of the disease. It's still difficult for me to know when to let people in to the "big mental illness secret". I know my neighbors wonder why, if he's home all day, the grass doesn't get cut, or the driveway doesn't get plowed. Why things don't get fixed, and why DH doesn't do what he says he will. And probably by this time, some of them have figured out that something's wrong, but everyone is too polite to ask. I'm sure there's gossip, though. And sometimes when I just want to tell everyone "I am not this unmowed grass, house-falling-down promises-not-kept person!" I think about telling people that DH has a mental illness so that they would understand how hard I've been trying to keep it all together. But mostly, I haven't told anyone yet. I feel like if DH wants people to know, he'll tell them (although he probably is oblivious to "what the neighbors might think"...) I did tell my brother. You know what he said? "I'll take him out to lunch, see if I can talk some sense into him!" There was just no telling him that it wasn't something that could be talked through....I really got angry, but after trying to tell him about mental illness and not being understood, I gave up. And have I mentioned that I can't tell you how many hundreds of times I've heard "I just don't understand why you don't leave"? Aside from the fact that I married him "in sickness and in health", now that things are somewhat stable with him, he isn't hard to get along with. And if our positions were reversed, I sure wouldn't want to be left. For now, I'm staying put.

(5) I am much stronger and more capable than I ever thought I could be. I cannot believe the things I have figured out, the work I've done, the fires (figurative) I've put out, and the way I have taken control of many aspects of the marriage. I never envisioned myself doing this, in fact, our plan was "buy a fixer-upper house, DH would fix it up on weekends. DH would work and we would adopt lots of kids, and I would stay home with all of them." But life happens. Instead, I worked 2 jobs for 8 years(!) so that we wouldn't lose the house. I've become and advocate for DH and gone to countless appointments and meetings where his providers depend on me to get things as right as possible. I set up the pills, take care of the animals, attend meetings/put out fires for DD, who has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder....and keep an eye on my mom (I still drop by to see her every day, although she doesn't know me most of the time, and she sleeps about 23 hrs a day). If you would have told me I would do all this, I would've laughed in your face. I could never do all that. Hehe.

Social Security Disability Update

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sat, 26 Oct 2013 06:29:00 +0000

We got the call over Labor Day weekend. DH's disability claim has been approved. He's also going to be eligible for Medicare in March, which is almost more exciting than the Disability itself, because this year, we (I) had already spent over $3000.00 in out of pocket expenses just for DH alone--prescriptions, ER visits, Dr. visits, etc. The Medicare coupled with my health insurance from work, will mean he is double covered and presumably, our bills will go down significantly. I may even be able to give myself a raise, because right now I contribute the maximum amount to my Flex plan, which amounts to about 95.00 each paycheck before taxes. Now granted that I do go to the doctor once in a while, so the amount wouldn't go down to zero, but the decrease could potentially be significant. Open enrollment at work is next month, so I'll have to ask someone how that all works.
Probably the biggest thing that this means right now, though, is that I am going to quit my 2nd job. After nearly exactly 8 years of working 2 jobs, DH's disability, after taxes, will be about the same amount as I bring home from the 2nd job. Originally, I wasn't going to quit right away. That extra money would make things that much easier, of course. But every time I went to work, all I kept thinking about was how I could choose to quit, how I could find a job that I really like, if I even want a second job, it's a choice now. Even before the disability was approved, I worried a lot about my mom being so sick and what if I got "the call" when I was working and couldn't leave? (Because at a group home you can't leave the clients unattended, not for any reason). And every time I showed up for work, I felt more strongly that it was time. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, this will be my last weekend of working 2 jobs.
I'm really excited about having 2 days off every week! Maybe I'll get a different part time job once my mom passes, but right now, spending more time with her will be nice, too.

Bipolar Hedonist

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Fri, 25 Oct 2013 06:20:00 +0000

DH's therapist hit it right on the head. "You are one of the biggest hedonists I have ever met."
Wow. I never really knew there was a word for it. But, if you're not sure what it means, a hedonist is "a person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification." That's DH. Since about 2005 it's been "all about DH, all the time". And if, in the process of making himself feel good, he can make me happy too, then so be it. But most of the time, it's just all about him. And food to make him feel good. And cigarettes (I don't remember if I told you that I require that he roll his own cigarettes now but I still buy the tobacco). And candy. And pop. And money. And anything else, apparently, that he can do to make himself feel good.
I could tell that it bothered DH to hear this about himself. I could also tell that he was expecting me to say something like "well, that's not really true..." But what I said was "Wow! He's got it! And he figured that out in 4 weeks? It took me a lot longer than that!" Hehe. I shouldn't laugh, but really....that therapist must be a sharpie!
I've been trying (in a gentle way) to ask myself what that says about me. Maybe I have a martyr complex. Maybe I'm just so laid back I don't care. Or maybe I just choose to believe that he can't help it and it's his mental illness.
See, that's the problem I have all the time--which of his behaviors are choices he makes, and which ones are due to his mental illness and can't be helped? I really struggle with this, nearly every day. I wish I could talk to that therapist of his. But I'm sure that'd be a conflict of interest.

Treatment

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Wed, 23 Oct 2013 05:57:00 +0000

So... DH started treatment. I had to leave the phone calls (to get the treatment program set up) to him, as I don't have much time during the workday. I specifically wanted him to find a treatment program for people with a "dual diagnosis", as I strongly believe that DH's mental health issues need to be addressed in conjunction with the chemical issues. I don't believe that there is an addiction problem as such (although maybe the Percocet would qualify), it's more of a self-medicating thing and not knowing when to stop. And that is directly connected to the mental illness.
I stressed over and over again the importance of the dual diagnosis treatment. And after DH got his treatment set up, it turns out that he "forgot" about the dual diagnosis thing. Now, in our small town, there aren't a whole ton of options as far as treatment programs go, but sheesh, if he's going to go to treatment, it should be one that's effective, even if he has to drive an hour or two to get there--after all, he's not working, so why not?
Can you tell I might still be a little bothered by that? :-)
Well, anyhow....I mentioned that I wished DH would have gotten involved in a dual diagnosis program to the probation officer, and he didn't think there was a problem with the treatment program that DH signed up for. So I guess I'll just go along with that despite my misgivings...after all, I control the money and the Percocet (when DH gets some)...
Oh--did I mention that DH also (at the direction of the probation officer) started seeing a therapist (more on that later)? Anyhow, between the therapy and the treatment program 3 nights a week, and the 2 AA meetings that DH is required to attend as part of his treatment, he's been a lot busier than usual. But that also means that a lot of things are getting discussed that DH doesn't usually talk about. I'm not sure if that's good or bad yet.

DH--bipolar DWI

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Mon, 21 Oct 2013 05:41:00 +0000

Well, it shocked the heck out of me, but really, it didn't.
DH's friend Jim came on Memorial Weekend for a visit. He and DH went out to "shoot pool" and "have a beer or two". Now just to clarify, DH does not drink often. Maybe once or twice a year. But when he does, the concept of "Social Drinking" kind of goes out the window. It's "all or nothing" for him.
When he does want to drink, I'm always concerned, because the Lithium and Depakote can intensify the effects of the alcohol. He half-jokingly asked me how many beers he could have, and I said "two or three, no more!" and he said "Oh! I was thinking I could only have one or two!" So since he was aware of the fact that I thought he should limit his intake, and because Jim (who tends to be very responsible) was going along and also driving, I didn't worry much. I went off to work my overnight shift at the 2nd job.
When I got home in the morning, DH's car was gone and so was Jim's. I knew that Jim was going to leave for his home early in the morning, so the fact that his car was not there did not surprise me. In fact, I wasn't even very concerned that DH's car was not there, I just figured the two of them went out to breakfast before Jim left (Jim always takes DH out to eat when he visits). So imagine my surprise when I went into the house and there was DH! "I got arrested," he said.
It turns out that DH and Jim had only had one beer at the bar. On the way back from the bar, Jim, trying to be generous, as money is still tight and I never give much to DH, gave DH a $20 bill so that DH could have some spending money. Jim went to bed, DH got in his car and went back to the bar.
According to DH, while he was at the bar the 2nd time, the man sitting next to him kept buying him drinks. DH knew he was pretty drunk when the man offered to share a joint with him. Now, in the history of our marriage, I honestly do not believe that DH has smoked pot. But of course he did on this fateful night. He then got in his car to go home, it was 8 miles on a rural road.
DH doesn't remember much of what happened after that. Apparently he couldn't find the right road to go home. He ended up 43 miles away from home, having hit a guardrail (on the drivers side, yet--if that tells you anything) and being pulled over by a police officer who had to swerve to avoid being hit by DH in the oncoming lane.
The police report states that DH said to the officer "I'm bombed and need to go to jail!".
So he did. Jim bailed him out before I got home, then Jim left, to avoid the fireworks.
So. On our tight budget, it cost 300.00 to get his car out of the impound. $800 in fines and court costs, and $720.00 to get his license back after 90 days of suspension. In all fairness, DH did do community service to pay the court fines. I told our insurance agent that DH got a DWI, the agent said "I never heard that." and told me that the auto insurance company might not find out. I very much hope not.
Anyhow, as part of his sentence for the DWI, DH had to do an "alcohol assessment", where they basically try to determine whether there is a problem or not. Based on what DH told the probation officer, the probation officer determined that DH needed some kind of treatment. Both for the drinking to excess and the Percocet. And I'm glad for that. DH....well, he just keeps saying how sorry he is that he was honest with the probation officer.
As it becomes clear that this bipolar thing is permanent, I am finding myself better able to recognize that DH's thinking doesn't make sense and I'm not likely to convince him otherwise.

MRSA

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sun, 20 Oct 2013 06:52:00 +0000

I almost forgot to update you on DH's outpatient surgery that he had last November. The surgery itself went well, but DH developed a MRSA (methicillin resistant staphylococcus aureus) infection in his elbow and could not get rid of it for anything. This was part of this years medical bills, too, because he had to have wound care nearly every day for three months. He also had a "wound vac", which is a vaccum that is attached to the wound that sucks all the yuck out of the wound so it can heal--now that is gross!
DH wasn't really that concerned about the MRSA, but it kept us from seeing family at Christmas, because my uncle, who has multiple myeloma, was undergoing chemo so that he could have a stem cell transplant, and I didn't want to take a chance on that uncontrolled MRSA finding him.....DH has had a lot of treatments and checkups on his elbow, and current status is that the wound is closed, but it is not healed. Therefore, his doctor is confident that the MRSA is still alive and well, living inside DH's elbow. DH also had a test at the hospital recently that determined that he is still an active MRSA carrier.
So I wanted to give you this cheery little update as I am thinking that we will be dealing with the MRSA for another extended period of time, as soon as someone checks inside the elbow to see what's really going on. Right now, DH complains of pain, and the surgeon has given him cortisone shots to eliminate the pain, but the shots don't last very long. The surgeon has mentioned re-doing the surgery, at which point, I'm sure they will find more MRSA. But DH keeps "forgetting" to make the appointments that are specifically for the elbow/MRSA, although numerous doctors have seen him in the past several months and have not been concerned beyond the "take precautions not to spread it" stuff. Nobody seems to think his health is in danger. It's hard to know how worried to be on this one, but I'm sure this isn't the last you'll hear/read of it.

What happened next: dog losses

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sat, 19 Oct 2013 05:16:00 +0000

It was the first week in December when our dog Megan started having problems. She couldn't walk, and her breathing was labored. She was at least 14 years old, a lab/pit bull mix who was an absolute snuggler. We rushed her to the vet.
X-rays were inconclusive, there may or may not have been a mass. The vet gave her a shot of steroids, a pain killer, and some sub-q fluids. We brought Megan home, expecting to put her to sleep in the next few hours.
But she rallied. That was all it took. Three days later she escaped and was running through the cornfields that adjoin our property, just like nothing had ever happened. We kind of knew she was on borrowed time, we were just hoping there was a lot of time left.
The week before Christmas, it happened again. The vet repeated the treatment, hoping for another miracle, but it wasn't to be. She got worse and worse until we couldn't watch any more, and had her put to sleep. It was heartbreaking. But because we'd had that other miracle, we'd had some time to baby her and give her extra love, so we didn't have as much of that "didn't even get a chance to say goodbye" feeling. It was still tough. We both still miss her a lot.
It was in February that virtually the same thing happened to our other dog, Buddy. He collapsed, we brought him to the vet. He seemed to be comfortable, so the vet urged me to go to work while they ran tests. Later that morning, the vet called to report that Buddy's liver and kidneys were both failing and there was nothing they could do. I made an appointment to have him put to sleep that afternoon, as soon as I could get there. While I was on the way, the vet called again to say that Buddy had passed. Another heartbreak.
We are now down to three dogs: Frosty (German Shepherd/pit bull, age 10), Molly (German Shepherd/collie, age 7) and Buffy (no, we didn't name her!) (purebred collie, age 5). It's bittersweet, of course, but it is nice to be able to fit me, DH and all the dogs in one vehicle :-)

One of Many Bipolar Updates-- Attitude Adjustment

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Wed, 16 Oct 2013 19:49:00 +0000

Hi Everyone, I wanted to send out a special thanks to anyone who might still be reading this blog--I'm still here and still thinking about everything I always want to say to all of you. The thing is, that my full-time job became a 5-day-a-week job, and then working the weekend job too, there wasn't time to update, and when there was, I just felt like pretending everything would go away.

I see that the last time I updated the blog was nearly a year ago. Since then, things have changed, of course, and yet, things have really stayed the same more than anything.

Probably the thing I wanted to share the most with you is that I had an attitude adjustment relating to DH's bipolar. I'm not sure if it was the new hormones I had started on, or just my brain clicking into gear, but almost overnight I realized that I had to do some things differently. I thought a great deal about this blog and acknowledged to myself that I have been doing a lot of whining and complaining, and while it might show some people that they aren't alone, if their loved one(s) act like DH, it doesn't really help anyone, and it doesn't improve my situation either. Once I made that realization, I decided to write down some goals Some of my goals were:
1) stop using credit cards under any circumstances (so far I have succeeded for this year!)
2) Create better boundaries with DH and recognize when I need to hold him accountable (this one is still a work in progress, as the mental illness makes boundaries wishy-washy, but I am much better at it than when I first decided on this goal!)
3) attain enough financial stability to the point where I can get by on one job instead of two (this goal was reached, but not in the way I anticipated)
So far, I'm feeling proud about these things.
DH continues to struggle. I am trying to not get sucked in so much. Easier said than done, for sure!
My mom is in end-stage dementia. She is in hospice care (this is the 2nd time now) and weighs 89 lbs. Once in a great while she still calls me Donna Mae, but mostly she sleeps about 23 hours a day. We have very little interaction and it makes me so sad. I am torn between "I wish this was over" and "please don't go, I need you!" We still have a bunch of cats. DD is in adult foster care and still having problems that try me greatly (I am her legal guardian).

I have recognized that I need this blog, and I miss it. I will be updating again this coming weekend.

The oil leak

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 11:37:00 +0000

I guess DH is more concerned about his upcoming surgery than he let on:

(Since DH recently restarted his Seroquel, and it makes him sleep very soundly, sometimes he doesn't wake up when the "urge" hits.)

DH: Carol, you won't believe the dream I just had! I dreamed that I went in for my surgery and when they cut open my arm, it was all car parts in there--it was all metal, and there was even a muffler. The doctor was really surprised. He was trying to figure out what to do next, when suddenly I sprung an oil leak! Then when I woke up, I realized I had peed the bed.

Well, now that I typed that, I guess probably it's not as funny as it was when I first heard it. But I figured I'd share anyhow.

DH: Outpatient Surgery on Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 10:45:00 +0000

Well, it looks like DH will be having outpatient surgery on Monday for nerve problems in his left hand. This problem has been there for about 6 months--at first when DH complained about his hand being numb, I just chalked it up to more of his heath complaints. But then his little finger started to contract and now he can barely move his ring finger or his little finger on his left hand, and that is his dominant hand (he is left handed). The neurologist that he saw has determined that he has carpal tunnel syndrome and cubital tunnel syndrome. Apparently (surprise surprise) these sorts of issues are rather common with diabetics and can only be remedied with surgery.

So on Monday, 11/19/12, DH will be going in to have surgery. His left hand/arm may be out of commission for several months. And, sad to say, it's not the surgery I'm worrying about right now. It's the Percocet. Because I am absolutely certain that the surgeon will prescribe it and, even though DH is restricted, I am sure the insurance company will allow it for a surgery. And the thought of dealing with the Percocet issue AGAIN makes me hugely crabby.

Surprisingly, DH admitted to me that he understands why I get angry about the Percocet. But he still has zero insight into how it controls him. I remember (before I started blogging) when I had my gallbladder out, I think it was 2005--when all the mental illness problems were just starting to show up. I was prescribed Percocet for pain. After I got back home, I did have pain. I took two scheduled doses of the Percocet, then I didn't need it any more. I decided to save the remaining pills in case "someone" needed them in the future. They disappeared, however, within two weeks. At that time I truly didn't realize what a hold that drug would have on DH and I also didn't realize that his thinking was already "messed up" at that time. Hindsight's 20/20, though, isn't it?

Well, I guess on this one I can't say that he's faking the nerve problems, I can see them with my own eyes. I've seen the neurologist's reports. I guess I just need to steel myself for the inevitable power struggle that will come right after the surgery.

Struggling with DD's issues

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 16:29:00 +0000

Ok, it's really tough for me to admit this, but I currently intensely dislike DD. She has been living in the adult foster care group home for mentally ill adults now for about a year and a half, and every time I talk to her, I am so very glad that she no longer lives in our house....

Last weekend was just an example: She came home for a visit. The very first thing she told me when she got in the car was "Mom. My friend committed suicide yesterday." I felt terrible. What an awful thing, even for a mentally stable person to have to cope with. I was hugely sympathetic, told her that suicide is caused by mental illness, offered to help her in any way I could. She said "her mom (the friend's mom) is going to let me know when the funeral is." I told her I would help her get to the funeral and even go with her if she wanted me to. I just felt so awful for her. Then, as she was rambling on about it, she stated "And they don't even know if she's going to live." WHAT?????????????

Turns out the friend wasn't dead after all.
The friend DID attempt suicide, but was already out of the hospital. DD realized though, that she'd get more attention if her friend actually died, so that's what the story became. At that point, I wanted to bring her right back to the group home, but I didn't, of course.....she then went on to tell me about (same old story) how she is getting "bullied" at work. (She works in a supported work environment with behavioral supports and such for people with mental health issues).

The story on the bullying? The same thing. She has latched on to the word "bullying" because so many people are talking about it these days. Usually, at work, she is the one doing the bullying, is what I am told.

So we went home, and I clearly explained to DD the difference between attempting suicide and committing suicide. She said she understood. I warned DH about this conversation. And DD? She told her dad the exact same thing! "My friend committed suicide." And he very patiently explained again the difference and that no, she did not.

So cut to Friday. We got a call that she and the boy who had been "bullying" her, had been given feedback about an inappropriate conversation they were having at work. The staff at work separated the two, and DD "flipped out". The group home had to come and bring her home, where they were not able to calm her down. The episode culminated with DD cutting herself superficially in the arm and being brought to the hospital. When the nurse called me, she (the nurse) told me that DD has been under a lot of stress at work and also stress from her friend killing herself. I wanted to scream.

I am struggling with the lies and the manipulation. I know it's hallmark to FASD. But I am having troubles accepting it. Frankly, in the "real world", I pick up on people like this and avoid them like the plague. And DD is no different. I don't want to spend any time with her. I don't want her to come over, I don't want to call her. Because it's all going to be a bunch of drama that isn't true. And I know that I'm her mom and I said that I'd love her forever. But I wish she would just stay away. I don't like her. And I feel hugely guilty about that.

The Trade-Off

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 16:12:00 +0000

Well, DH had a pdoc appointment and reported to the pdoc that he was getting more paranoid. He was believing that everyone, friends, family, and just strangers in town, were judging him because he was not working. He wasn't leaving home for any reason. At my nephew's 6th birthday party, DH didn't speak to any adult at all, except a few words to me. The pdoc put DH back on Seroquel. I actually think that DH should have been on Seroquel all this time, but back when I took over setting up DH's meds, he was not taking it and hasn't been back on it since.

The pdoc said that the Seroquel would decrease the paranoia. And it did. And it did very good things for DH. Instead of watching TV all day, he was suddenly cleaning, rearranging....even doing some small repairs. It was very good.

Then DH's pdoc called and stated that DH's Lithium level (in his bloodwork) was way too low. He instructed DH to raise his Lithium back up to 1500mg a day--600 in the morning and 900 at night. Immediately I saw a difference with this change, too, but I'm not sure it was a good one. DH is a little less motivated than he was when he first started the Seroquel, but the main change that I'm noticing is that he is starting to get whiney, like he was several months ago. He wants this, he wants that, wah wah. And he's not satisfied with things like he was before. I had warned him that November was going to be an exceptionally tight month financially, and still, he keeps asking me to buy things like chocolate milk, or expensive (by my budget standards, LOL) cheeses. When I tell him there is no money for that, he gets sulky and pouty. And keeps asking.

I'm wondering if maybe the Lithium isn't the miracle drug that it was earlier. Then I'm wondering if maybe I'm just seeing these things more because he is not laying in bed watching TV all the time, so he has more interaction with me, thus, the opportunity to beg for more stuff. I don't know!!! But I would like to go to the next pdoc appointment (in 4 weeks) if I can.

Quitting Meds

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 14:03:00 +0000

Late last week, DH announced to me that he had not been taking his meds and that he was not planning on taking them.

He stated that he was tired of "not doing anything" and he knew that if he stopped taking his meds, he could be "more productive" and "get a job" and then I wouldn't have to work so much.

It was a good idea in theory. I had already started to see mood swings, but I had chalked them up to changes in sunlight/weather. DH honestly had no recollection of
any of the things that happened before. He thought, for whatever reason, that things were fine and then people decided he needed meds.

When I reminded him of a lot of the things that happened before he was medicated, and I reminded him that he WAS in fact, working, when this began, he looked at me like I was making it all up! He completely didn't believe me, and didn't believe, if the things I said were true, that they were "that bad"!

To make a pretty long story shorter, I told him that it was his decision to make, but that if things start going down that same road again, well, I am not going to go there. If he chooses to not take his meds, and it causes problems with our marriage, I'm done. So "That Guy", said to me, "I guess that's a chance I'll take then."

The next day, DH told me that he had decided to continue taking his meds. I congratulated him on this decision and tried very hard to be supportive. But things haven't been the same since. He's been lying in bed sulking. When I come to bed, he gets up and goes into the living room until I get up. His sleep schedules are all messed up, and I think a hospital stay is not unbelievable at this point. The only thing he did yesterday at all was lie in bed and eat. And we've been here before. I get fed up and start fantasizing about living on my own. And I really like the idea.

<< sigh >>

Back to the drawing board

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sat, 20 Oct 2012 06:18:00 +0000

Well, DH's disability appeal was denied again. I shouldn't be surprised, but I was just hoping.....anyhow, the attorney is already working on refiling. Don't hold your breath, for sure!

DH has been having some problems with his left hand. And, unlike the back problems, I can see that there is truly a problem. He started complaining that his hand and fingers were numb. Then, he became unable to grip things in his left hand (which is a problem, because he is left-handed). He went to the doctor, who thought it was a nerve problem and sent him to a surgeon. The surgeon determined that DH would have to have nerve surgery on his left hand/arm, and it would be major (not laparoscopic). So they started setting that up, but on one of the presurgical visits, the doctor noticed that DH's fingers are contracting in an unusual way. So now DH is scheduled to see a neurologist to see if it really is a nerve problem or something else.

I'm kind of hoping the neurologist does a bunch of brain tests in addition to hand tests. DH had a battery of tests back in 2007(?) and it was very interesting to see the results (although DH was bummed out)--I'd like to see what, if anything, has changed.

My mom is still with us, kind of. Once in a while she still knows who "Donna Mae" is, but most of the time she just sleeps. We don't have a lot of conversations beyond "I love you" any more. She struggles to understand what I say, and she has a tough time finding the right words when she does want to say something. I'm giving thought to getting Hospice involved again. They did so much good for her last year.....

I'm dreading the time change. It seems like every year, around daylight savings time, my mom takes a turn for the worse. And frankly, there's not a whole lot worse she can get, I don't think. From what I see, she appears to be one of the lower functioning residents at her nursing home now. Part of me wishes it would all be over, but one night, I had a dream that the nursing home called me to report that she had passed in the night, and I cannot even begin to explain the terror I felt before I realized that it wasn't real. I know lots of people are in the same situation, but somehow it doesn't feel easier.

The main reason I haven't been posting (aside from not having much to post about), is that work has been insanely busy (at the county). and my job at the group home has gotten busier too, with some new residents who have higher needs. I'm really really tired of working both jobs. I'm hoping that something will happen to make this easier somehow, because every weekend now, I fantasize about not having to work. Except I have to. I do think, however, that things are better than they were last year. So maybe things will be exceptionally good soon!

DD update

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 20:48:00 +0000

DD has continued to struggle with her behaviors at the group home she is in. We did have to have a special meeting as she has been bullying the other residents, and when confronted with this, she became very angry, ran out of the house, and tried to jump into a moving car in the street :-(

So.....what seems to have been decided at this point....DD will remain in the group home she is in for the time being. If she continues to bully the other residents, she will have to move to a different home (run by the same company) as soon as an opening is available. They are theorizing at this time that she may need to move every year, as once she gets "too comfortable", she starts feeling like she is in charge and can do no wrong.

I have been trying to wean down her visits from every other weekend to maybe every third weekend or so. I just get tired of dealing with it--the whining, the arguing, the manipulation.... I have some guilt with this, of course, but I am finding myself having very little patience with her lately, and I think it'd probably be better for all of us if she didn't come home so much. And I think, too, that there is so much water under the bridge, that it's very hard to go back to the way things ought to be. I think some time apart might help with that. But I've never done this before, so maybe I'm wrong.

Status Quo for the most part......

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 12:18:00 +0000

DH continues to function much better since a) I took over the setting up and ordering of his meds and b) since he stopped working. I have struggled lately with trying to come up with something new to write about--there doesn't seem to be much new in my life!

My mom is still declining in her Alzheimer's. She now has difficulty processing what she hears. I think she hears fine, but that her brain can no longer make sense of what people say. So she spends a lot of time saying "what?" and a lot more of her comments and sentences make no sense. But most of the time she can still say "I love you", and most of the time she is still happy to know that "Donna Mae" came to see her :-)

My aunt Judy, who, as I wrote around Christmastime, is suffering from lung cancer, despite having quit smoking in 1987, is still "with us". However, sad to report that the whole-brain radiation that she received in order to shrink the brain tumors, has caused her to fall into dementia. She is now "living" in a hospice center, and they have stopped all treatment. She is pretty much where my mom is cognitively now. But physically still in relatively good shape--it appears the treatments have really done a number on the cancer.....at this point it is unknown whether she will actually die from the cancer, or if the dementia will get her first. But say a prayer for her family, if you are the praying type....my uncle Neil, her husband, just found out two nights ago that he has multiple myeloma, a cancer of the blood plasma. I guess the median survival rate is about 5 years, so it's not "as bad" as lung cancer, but jeez, when it rains, it sure pours!

I came very close this week to giving up on trying to get all this stuff paid off, and I called a bankruptcy attorney to ask some questions. But she had to call me back, and in that time I realized that I just cannot do that. I just have to concentrate on keeping the spending low and maybe sell some stuff to get the debt down to a manageable level....after I realized that there was no way I was ready to give up and file bankruptcy, I felt a renewed resolve and a huge amount of confidence--so I guess it was a breakthrough moment for me....I'll keep you posted on that...

Anyhow, since there really hasn't been much going on at our house, you'll probably see more posts that don't have much to do with bipolar. I hope you don't mind!

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 12:15:00 +0000

Well, you'd think that I might have been so busy I just didn't have time to write.....of course that's only partly true :-) Mostly.....I haven't been sure of what to write. I'm certainly still feeling much better since I started the hormones. It's funny, because I'm remembering things I used to like to do, but I had forgotten about. I'm starting to dream again--I'm really enjoying it!

As far as DH goes......well, remember Jim, DH's friend? He's been working in Iraq as a helicopter mechanic again/still. Anyhow, a month or two ago, his position was reclassified as "not in a combat zone", which meant a significant pay decrease for him, so he quit. He's going to sign on to a company that's stationed in Afghanistan so that he can continue to make the "big bucks" :-). Anyhow, in between jobs, he came to our house and stayed a couple of weeks (and left, thanks heavens!).....and he got a LOT of work done around the yard that DH didn't "get around to" doing and I didn't have time. Plus, he spend a lot of money on us--bought groceries, bought cigarettes for DH, bought weed killer for the yard, and a bunch of other stuff. It was nice to have that bit of relief financially--several things that I had been stressing over got to be a little easier because Jim took some of the pressure off. And he left in enough time where I didn't get too sick of him being there. It was a good visit.

I wasn't sure what it'd do to DH, though. Prior to Jim's visit, DH had been coming to terms with the fact that he was going to have to roll his own cigarettes because there was no way I could afford Marlboros. And he was drinking a lot more water than pop. And getting used to the idea that we don't have a lot of luxury foods and the luxury foods we do have/get come from the free food distribution. When Jim showed up, all of those things ended. Jim started taking DH out to eat (since I wasn't home often enough to cook and Jim didn't want to "just make a sandwich".....Jim bought DH a carton of Marlboros, bought pop and snack foods.....I started thinking that DH was probably going to revert back to the way he used to be, whining for his Marlboros and pop, since he was "remembering" what it was like to have them....so....

I was pleasantly surprised, because now that Jim is gone, things are just right back to where they were. iI'm amazed. And actually, I think that all the work Jim did around our house made DH feel like he had to do something, too, so he's been doing more around the house lately. Last night he even cleaned the litter boxes without me nagging him. He's been doing laundry, too. Really though, when you consider a "normal" person and what they typically do in a day, he's still pretty catatonic, but it's a lot better than it has been. I'm cautiously optimistic about this. I also wonder if maybe it's a combination of things--the motivation from Jim, the nice summer temperatures and daylight levels, and the fact that he's not working. He's been smiling more, laughing more..... he's starting to feel like my husband again and not some whiney baby. I'll keep you posted.

Off topic completely but....WOW

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 20:53:00 +0000

Now this young woman.....truly inspires and amazes me!

From Scrubbing Floors to Ivy League

http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/07/us/from-janitor-to-harvard/index.html?hpt=hp_c1

Phone call re: DD

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Thu, 24 May 2012 10:15:00 +0000

Hello, Carol? This is the group home. I'm calling about DD.

No, she's ok, there are just a few things I need to talk to you about. Um, I'm not sure really how to bring this up but..... she has been bullying other clients. We were wondering how you felt about us moving her to a different house...?

It's not just one other client, she's bullying all three of them. They're so intimidated by her attitude and behavior that they barely come out of their rooms if she's around. And we need to think of their safety, too. She is insisting on receiving attention from staff all the time, and having angry outbursts if staff pays attention to the other clients. She is cursing at the other clients, calling them "retarded" and bossing them around.

No, we haven't talked to DD or her social worker yet, we just wanted to notify you that this has been happening and we are trying to find a solution.

Yes, we can set up a meeting--next week, maybe?

-----------------------------------

I have to say I'm not surprised really. I'm surprised that it has taken this long. But it looks like DD is not real welcome at her group home any more. I know at her last "team meeting", the nurse for the group home asked me if DD gets this aggressive "seasonally"? I told her she was "this aggressive" all the time and that is a big part of why she is currently living in the group home. The nurse gave me a look like she thought I was exaggerating....but I figured she'd find out sooner or later.

So it looks like DD will be moving again. I wish that her pdoc would try some kind of medication that could maybe tame her outbursts--she hasn't really been on much for that since they took her off all her meds in 2010 :-( but I guess it's another case of "what do I know? I'm not a doctor, I'm just the mom....."

Frankly, DD has been very hard to like for a few years now. We love her and are still having her home for visits and such, but if I didn't have a moral obligation, I would definitely choose to not be around her. And it sounds like several other people feel the same :-(

I'm old. But it's not as bad as I thought it was.

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sun, 20 May 2012 09:55:00 +0000

For the last few months, I've been feeling pretty run-down. I've been having a much tougher time staying awake all night at my part-time job, to the point where I was trying to decide if I should put in my notice before I end up getting fired for dozing off (I decided I need the income for as long as it's available).....I was getting up at 4am to go to my full-time job, but sleeping an hour on the bus both ways (it's a 1-hour commute to the bus stop). And I wasn't enjoying anything any more.

I know I've gained a lot of weight. I've been telling myself "it's because I don't have time to exercise or cook healthy foods...." and I know that does contribute. But there are people who have a crazy schedule who do much better than I do. I have HUGE bags under my eyes, even when I've gotten 10-12 hours of sleep. And there's nothing that's fun any more. I figured I was middle-aged and just plain tired from doing this for so long. I figured that not much would probably change until I was once again only working 1 job and not constantly worried about my family.

And then.....my thyroid swelled up to the size of a tennis ball. I was at work in the Cities, and it was kind of hard to swallow. I felt like I had a really sore throat, except nothing was sore, it was a very strange feeling. When I looked in the mirror in the bathroom, I was shocked by this huge lump in my neck. I've been hypothyroid for about 10 years now, so I suspected it was my thyroid. But then I thought "well maybe my neck is always like that and I just never noticed...." so I asked a coworker I trust if my neck looked funny. Her reaction told me "oh yes, it sure did." She wanted me to go to the E.R. right then and there. I waited until the next day just to make sure it wasn't going away.

The Dr. told me that "lots of people get enlarged thyroids". He did an ultrasound, which showed no tumors, so he told me to treat it by....."taking ibuprofen". Seriously. "It'll reduce the inflammation." So I did take ibuprofen (Advil) and my thyroid shrunk. But what I didn't understand was why did it swell up like that in the first place? I talked about this with my friend at work. She told me that she'd been seeing a doctor for her thyroid for several years and it had made a huge difference. I made an appointment with her doctor.

Suffice it to say, it was a very eye-opening visit. I learned that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, which is where your immune system goes after your thyroid. Since I already have Lupus, that makes sense. What I didn't know, though, was that my body was not providing me with some other hormones, either. I wasn't producing much, if any, testosterone or progesterone. Because these levels were so out of whack, and progesterone especially can impact the thyroid, the doctor opted to treat these issues before even beginning to address the thyroid problem.

He prescribed progesterone pills and a testosterone cream, both bioidentical (hormones that are identical in molecular structure to the hormones created by my body). I took my first dose(s) that night and went to bed, not expecting much, because I know that things like thyroid pills and lupus treatments usually take weeks to have any recognizable effect.

When I woke up the next day, I could not believe how amazing I felt. I honestly was "hyper" and wanted to clean the house. And even though I knew it wasn't true, I felt like I'd lost about 500 pounds :-) (no, I'm not that overweight, LOL, but I suddenly felt really skinny and energetic). For the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe I should exercise. I felt like I could see again (I wasn't blind to begin with, obviously, but I guess I was paying attention to things where I wasn't before).....it was unbelievable.

Now, after about a week on these hormones, the "amazing" is starting to feel "normal". I'm kind of forgetting that I felt bad and didn't even realize it until I felt better. But then I look in the mirror and the bags under my eyes....well, they're still there, and still big, but they're significantly smaller than before.

And my cravings for bread and pasta? Almost completely gone. I've actually, for real, lost 7 pounds without even trying, just because I'm not thinking about eating all the time. In fact, I've been hungry about 3 times a day. And my portion sizes are much more normal. I feel like I could really set my mind to eating less and exercising more and I could maybe even do it. I'm excited.

I feel like I can suddenly make some positive changes that I thought were impossible. And I'm hopeful sometimes now. It makes me wonder what other things I could improve if I was better able to recognize that maybe I could feel better. I'm still not sure about my thyroid. But I'm getting impatient to learn.

From the mouths of babes.....LOL-I think!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Fri, 11 May 2012 11:06:00 +0000

As you probably remember, I work in a group home for mentally ill people on Friday and Saturday overnights. We recently got a new client, age 24, who has a very similar history and diagnoses as my dd. So it's possible that I have above-average experience/skills in talking with a person with these issues (or maybe I'm just lucky!)....anyhow, this client and I were talking about some problems she's had in the past, and her family history. And even though a lot of her thoughts were showing a lack of common sense, I just tried to empathize and say things like "Wow, it sounds like that really stresses you out!" Or "I can sure see how that might upset a person....." and "I can hear how frustrated you are, that must be very hard."

So she was really opening up to me. And it was very nice to be there for her.

And then she said, "You remind me of a lady who worked at a group home that I used to live at. She was a really nice old lady, just like you!"

I was taken aback for a second, because, after all, my Mom's the "old lady", right? Then I just thanked her for the compliment. And I'm still laughing inside. And cringing a little maybe too.

Restricted

noreply@blogger.com (Carol) — Sun, 06 May 2012 10:48:00 +0000

DH got a certified letter in the mail yesterday. It was from our health insurance provider, and stated that since he had had at least 10 visits to the emergency room at two or more hospitals, and had 15 prescriptions filled for narcotics (Percocet), they are placing him on restriction. Basically, what this means is that he is ONLY allowed to go to one specific doctor and/or his psychiatrist. Nobody else. And any time he requires Emergency Room services outside of our own county hospital, there will be a team determination as to whether those services were a true emergency. If DH uses a different Dr., other than his "one and only", or a different psychiatrist, or uses an Emergency Room when it is determined that it was probably not a life-and-death emergency, the bills will not be paid by our health insurance.

I had heard of this happening, but this Percocet thing had been going on so long, I figured nobody cared. Apparently they do.

DH was embarrassed. According to him, he has not been in the E.R. or received Percocet since his Pdoc warned him in early February that being addicted to Percocet could affect his disability case. I don't know if that's true or not. I do know that there seem to be a lot less complaints about back pain and definitely a lot less trips to the E.R.

In DH's defense, I believe that the "more than one hospital" was probably because DH's job was in a different county than ours, and not necessarily because he was "drug seeking" (going to a different hospital because he had already gotten Percocet from our hospital). And he was always getting sent from work to the E.R. for high blood pressure, high blood sugar, back pain, whatever. His work did not take chances. If they thought something could possibly be wrong, they sent him to the E.R. And I understand that. I also understand that he believes that he functions better and has more initiative when he takes Percocet. Actually, it seems that way to me, too. But to me, really, that just says that maybe there's something else out there that could make things better (and it isn't a narcotic!).

I'm relieved. When I know there is Percocet in the house, I get very anxious. I end up being the Percocet police, keeping the Percocet under lock and key, and doling it out one at a time according to the instructions on the bottle. If I just left the bottle for DH to use "as needed", he would (and actually has) take much more than the prescribed dose--once he took an entire bottle of 60 pills in 2 days--I don't know how he survived. And even though the "you might not get your disability if you keep this up" is a big incentive not to do that any more, I know addiction can be more powerful than that. So it's nice to have a backup.