After Dinner Mint

Happy 4th!!! oh, and dont forget to wear condoms!

2009-07-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July, our Independence Day, our birth, our right to say fuck the man and stand up for our right to say whatever the fuck we want. So thank you good ol' America for being such a contrived and convoluted system of rules and perceptions that we can be offended by anything and everything and act in any asshole kind of way that we feel we must. Thank you America for being able to supply us with any kind of garbage fast food that we need and at the same time tell us how fat we've gotten.

I salute you America for giving me the ability to sue for whatever the hell reason I see fit and for teaching us the real meaning of bailout. For all the great things you've given me with the freedom and liberty that is only really available here cause without it I dont think I would be able to say thank you and fuck you in the same blog post without getting arrested.

So Thank you America, now Fuck off! ;-)

Things Ive Learned...

2009-05-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Ive been gone from this blog a while, I know. I had all but given up on this blog. But I havent completely disappeared from the blogosphere because for those of you who know, I have another BLOG for creative writing. Thats where Ive been spending most of my blogging time these days. But Im back now.

Things Ive learned in the time Ive been gone:
-Dont text while taking a crap.
-Dont text while talking to me.
-Always say whats on your mind except of course, when your mind has been off for the past three days.
-Eating chinese food as a hangover remedy gives me gas that would knock out the devil himself.
-I actually did knock out the devil himself, his name was Bernardo.
-Leave Keg stands up to the professionals.
-Juggling multiple romantic interests is like a full time job. I gotta stop doing that.
-Women are evil except of course, when they're not PMS'ing.
-Planning for the weekend on a monday never goes according to plan on the weekend.
-People are stupid.
-I will only text while driving if I dont feel like talking to you.
-Answer your damn phone, texting sucks.
-Kids these days dont have a vocabulary. *sigh

Mental Masturbation

2009-04-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, the new fad. Twitter. The purest form of narcissism this side of Narcissus. Yeah, thats real, look it up.

Twitter has become quite the fad that even celebrities and important figures are doing it. Hell, athletes are tweeting during half time at their ball games. "Its half time and we are getting beat. My balls are really sweaty right now also but the coach is asking for more. I gotta step up, I gotta have drips of sweat dripping from the crack of my ass or tonight was just a complete disappointment."

Its interesting to see how quickly addicting this tweet phenomenom has become because I find myself even reading tweets and enjoying some where I suddenly have the urge to jizz out a quick thought from mental masturbation onto a new tweet profile but I refuse to conform to another fad.

It took me years to finally get a facebook profile and thats because friends had to make me one by force. And I absolutely hate MySpace and texting is something I find myself doing more and more even though I have issues with it.

I refuse to conform to another fad. Plus, I think tweeting is absolutely the epitomy of mental masturbation. Rubbing some thoughts the right way till quick climax and then shooting a load of cerebral jizz right into the cerebellum of unsuspecting victims and passing out pearl brain-necklaces.

Get Ready for the Money Shot and Enjoy all that Brain Jizz.

A.A.

2009-04-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Armando and Im an Asshole. Yes, before I would deny it, go on binges of ass-hatery and be hilarious at the cost of anothers dignity because Im an Asshole. I would spend long nights chugging down the insults and spewing them back up at the end of the night all over people and children too; trying the next morning to remember which joke was the funniest. Trying to fill the void that was within me with hilarity.

I used to think it was funny to laugh at people......still do kinda. But I have found the error of my ways at the bottom of a bottle. I came to realize I am an asshole and the first step to recovery is admitting the problem and now I must accept it.

I would try mixed insults and sometimes they wouldnt sit well so I would chug a tried and true insult just to set myself level and forget. I would down them without tasting them and without consequence to myself without realizing what I was doing to the people around me. Was I too asshole-ish to drive myself home, of course not but I was too asshole-ish to be around people sometimes. After spewing chunks of insult hilarity I would resume into convos. without remorse because Im an asshole.

Hi, my name is Armando and Im an Asshole. I am admitting I have a problem........................what the hell am I doing?! I love being an Asshole.

....waiting

2009-04-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

What is it about waiting that sucks? What is it about life that makes every second an exercise in continual movement toward the next moment? Its always about moving to the next moment. Its always about looking forward and looking back and looking at right now, its always about where this moment leads. What if its all about being small enough that we're frozen in time as a speck of thought forever forgotten? Like the stars we look up in wonderment where we hope and feel and see the delicate elegance in those soft specks but are so small and far that they will always be frozen as an insignificant thought until we need them.

So what is it about waiting that sucks? Its because we are always looking for the next moment, be it looking forward or back, where right now is never because never always happens when youre waiting.

A gift and a curse

2009-04-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

I have some confessing to do, its a serious issue, one that I've had to deal with all my life. Im a drooler. Yeah, thats right, I said it, it had to be said, someone had to say it!

As long as I can remember Ive always drooled in my sleep. And its not a little dribble here and there, no, I wake up in a fucking lake of cold spit generously pancaked on the side of my face. Sometimes it gets so bad that I cant just turn my pillow over because it would be like spilling a cup of water on my sheets.

The drool is of such a consistency that you can literally see the reflection of light off of it and see your face in it. I try to wipe it with my hand but that just moves it around on my cheek and doesnt really solve anything. The worse part about it, is that its so freaking cold because its been laying there in the coldness of the room for hours before I realized it was there. And Im such a heavy sleeper that Ill drool for hours before I even realize Im swimming in my own spit.

Then I wake up in the morning with the sides of my mouth all crusted white from dried up drool and a sore throat because its dry as hell cuz I spent all my saliva on my pillow. I drool even if Im taking a nap. 10 minutes out and Im already trying to start up a new river on the couch.

Yeah, Im a drooler, been one my whole life. It must be these damn huge kissable lips of mine. Its a gift and a curse, haha.

"Life laughs coldest when you are the loneliest."

2009-04-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

I find that I cant thoroughly express myself through this blog. Sometimes I want to express certain thoughts on emotions by simply stating them but find only the words that seem to be stale and boring in comparison to finding a hypothetical situation and imposing those emotions over it, real emotions, my emotions.

By simply stating the way I feel seems so boring and cliched. So thats why Ive been writing on my other blog much more than I do on this one, its a much softer side of me but still me. If youve ever wondered (probably not) how Ive been feeling or what I feel, its there where I send my other thoughts through short pieces, free writes. http://placeboeffect23.blogspot.com/

Its hard sometimes because to me, right now, life seems to be laughing at my face with all the things I cant have and it sucks the life outta me. I feel like a hollow shell of what I used to be. I hardly recognize myself anymore and its hard to swallow the knots in my throat because I can feel it in the pits of my stomach pushing them back up. I lose myself a little more everyday and its hard to keep my head.

I find the smallest of memories floating casually inside my head and floods of pictures remind me of how long of a road Ive walked and where its lead me. Nowhere and with nothing and no one. Its a tough life when you close yourself off as much as I have and for some reason, its even tougher to find your way back when youve forgotten how to be yourself. I think Ive lost that little piece of me that I always wanted to hold on to. Now Im wandering aimlessly hoping I can find it again because I need it now more than ever because life likes to tease me with things I cant have. "Life laughs coldest when you are the loneliest."

God or Science?

2009-04-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

I havent blogged in a while but Im still around, just havent gotten the motivation to write anything but I have been asked to update my blog; so here I am updating my blog.

Ive recently noticed that the morning is a bitch of a time to be enemies with physics. I swear I find myself arguing with the laws of reality because of something I was too lazy to set up correctly falls over or something gets caught on my foot and falls over or I bump into something. I curse the very fabric of reality and curse the universe; "damn you physics! why do you punish me so!"

Arguing with inantimate objects is another thing that goes hand in hand with my seemingly winless war on pointless arguments. I know that they cant hear me and I know they cant argue back and I know that its a freaking object but that stupid expressionless piece of crap table knows it stubbed my toe on purpose but its hiding its little stupid smirk behind that unflinching no expression front. Fuck you table! I know what youre up to, you wont fool me fucker!

Why cant physics just give me a break in the morning? I feel like science feels like screwing with me when I have the least amount of patience and it does. If I could I would just blame it all on a faceless God that likes to screw around with people with no reason other than, he works in mysterious ways. Fuck Science, who needs science when you have a crazy faceless God with a sense of humor that likes to fuck with you in the morning. Thanks Science.......I mean God.

Thanks Brazen

2009-03-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you Brazen, your compliment truly gave me a lift when I needed it the most and its a good thing you saved it this long because it came right in the nick of time. There must be some sort of cosmic coincidental force at work there because it seems like too much of a coincidence for you to hold it this long and have it for me. Nonetheless, I thank you for it.

Just to show you how much it truly meant to me and how much it actually helped Ive made you a playlist, I hope you like the music. You can download them if you enjoy them, you can probably figure out how to do that, haha. Enjoy.

Mark Berube - Flowers on the Stones

Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

Stars - Forever

The National - Fake Empire

Patients - Doorways

sigh

2009-03-10T16:09:00.001-07:00

You know, its never hard to think about certain things when its so easy to smile at them but then all you have left in your barren, empty hands are the what if's and then everything becomes a fortress of solitude. A prison by your own doing and not even the tall blue sky can make you look up.

I had to make a incredibly hard decision but it was the most obvious decision and now Im in a tender position. My smiles are forced, my face long, my eyes empty and devoid, but I keep looking for tomorrow to come.

And then you boom! you realize, hells yeah, its the weekend again and if just for a couple of hours, you forget about the what if's and think about the now and the booze.

Its the Small Things

2009-03-02T10:56:00.001-08:00

Its the little things that geek me out. I got a gift from the girl Im crushing on a couple of weeks back, around Valentine's. She gave me a key with the Patriots marquee on it (I love the Patriots) and Tom Brady on the front. You know, a simple gift, small, simple, perfect.

I geeked out on it. It literally was the best gift Ive gotten in the past year, including christmas, sorry jesus, my birthday, sorry God, or anything in between. It was just so simple and perfect. Its the small things that find their way through the intricacies of our personal walls. From that point on, I knew she was a keeper.

Now, everytime I look at my key chain and see that key, I can see her face and it just makes me smile. Its the type of gift that keeps on giving. Elaborate huge gifts are great but then you forget who gave them to you because you are so concerned with the gift, loving it so much that you forget that someone got it for you. Well, with my key, I know exactly who got it for me and it makes me smile. And nothing in this world is better than having a little trinket that makes you smile.

TheFLy is falling for someone, dang it, I cant help it, she's awesome.

2009-02-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

What is it about a new romantic interest that just inspires us all? You know that new fresh smell of a new person in your life, one that thinks you are wonderful, one that thinks you are great, one that thinks you are all these things you never really realized or seen in yourself but someone just managed to sift through all the insecurities of yourself and find the beauty in you.

Well, I found someone that likes me for me and has seen all these great things in me that I rarely look at or even realize are there. She makes me feel inspired, comfortable in the world again and even if it is just for brief instances, perfect.

Yeah, Im sappy, so what. Its not every day that I feel this way and this girl just brings that out in me. At first, I was a little into her but slowly and surely she showed me herself and I started falling for this girl. What can I say, Im a sucker for a great smile.

So there you have it, thats where Ive been and it should explain the lack of posts. Ill try to keep it up dated.

buzz buzz

Fuck Valentines Day: Remix

2009-02-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

So I thought I would post up some semi-romantic thoughts about Valentine's Day (note: semi-romantic = rant) and how crappy it is whether you are in a relationship or single.

Ive been both single and in relationships on numerous Valentine's Days and the first one I can remember is way back in elementary school when we all had to buy all those stupid cards for everyone in the class only because we weren't to leave anyone out and make someone feel lonely or unwanted. Well you know what, F@#K that! This joke of a holiday should be cancelled and placed on the shelf with Columbus Day. This is a consumerist holiday, the only reason it exists and still does is because we spend so much money on this day.

There's a history behind it but why has it become so popular here in the states? Why have we embraced it so? My theory is that we guys use it as justification to look sappy and women use it to get more attention. When a buddy looks at you with those judgemental eyes for being girly and sappy-licious for sending flowers or buying a card you just give that goofy ass-look back, shrug your shoulders and say "its Valentine's Day." When in reality, we should act this way whenever the need to express that love bubbling inside overflows which causes a sudden drop in common-sense thinking. If you truly feel a need to show someone how much you love them you dont need Valentine's Day to do it.

"Society has deemed we all have to celebrate love for our partners magnificently and with more sincerity on this day than – so it seems – on any other." (Edward Stilliard)

Valentine's Day can be the loneliest and at the same time most stressful day for a particular person. Having no one to share anything with or talk to on this day causes a loneliness to creep in from the shadows and makes you channel surf through all the freakin' love-sappy movies showing. Just makes you wanna pound your head into some wall and leave it there. And at the same time, having someone you care about or even just having someone but not neccessarily the desire to do something on this day causes a stress stemming from society deeming you as cold and an a$$hole/b!tch if you dont. Feeling the obligation to do something but not having the motivation or desire causes this stress because you know if you dont it will be held against you. When you're single, its different. Even I'm not immune to the loneliness it causes but its all about how you handle it.

One solution is to gather all your single buddies and go out because you know all the single women are doing the same with their girlfriends. Time to go hunting for the ladies like big game elk or deer. "Shhhh, be wery wery quiet, Im hunting b!itches." But if thats not a solution, its time to grab the porn because its gonna be a long night buddy. You can try to ignore the dsolay all together but thats only possible if you dont have a social life, and if thats the case you have larger problems.

So why is Valentine's Day so important? Whats the big deal about giving chocolates, cards and stuffed animals? Why does this day seem to have significance over all others? Some people think its romantic even creative to propose on said day but why? Theres no significance in the alignment of the planets, no astrological meaning for this day, nothing in the cosmos says this day has significance. So, why has it been deemed necessary for us to show our love to our partner on this particular day? So many people celebrate this day without even knowing why other than its expected to show affection. This reflects a conformist attitude on how it is expected to behave; its not that this day compells us to become more affectionate but that we understand that this is what is expected. Its hard to fight this conformity because when in a relationship with someone who loves Valentine's Day you cant ignore it. Their attitude affects the way you see it, thus assimilating you into another one of V-Day's soldiers.

'Roided out Freak of Nature = All-American-Athlete

2009-02-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

So, I dont know if many of you know but I guess Major League Baseball just took another blow to the chin in that A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) is guilty for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs from '01 to '03.

I dont know whats wrong with this sport, it seems to be tainted from top to bottom like a bad skid mark on your underwear.

But passed the stigma and taint this not only reflects on American sports but on the athletes, I think this is possibly the best thing to happen to baseball and possibly the American economy.

This is the way I want to see it; maybe now Team owners will realize the huge wad of cash they waste every year for these overpaid crybaby athletes that play the sport in this day and age. Maybe now, the stock that goes into paying one of these superstar athletes will get reduced and the league can enact some sort of salary cap and teams can be competitive again. Maybe now, these fat cat team owners will save some money so that they can invest back into our dire economy.

Or maybe, they can keep paying the ridiculous sum of money they pay so that some douchebag player can juice up, get roided out and have shriveled shrinked nuts because we all know thats how we Americans like our athletes; all freaked and veined out, pulsating with pure adrenaline and testosterone.

Nothing says All-American-Athlete like veins portruding out of your neck and forehead with legs the size of tree trunks and fingers the size of baby legs. I mean, come on, who doesnt want to see Barry Bonds climbing the Empire State Building swatting at airplanes or Mark Mcgwire emerging from the sea to take out Japan with his laser eye vision and fire-ball breath. Take that world!

We call our champions world champions because hell, our athletes get juiced before every game and who else in the world would be able to compete at that freak of nature level that our athletes perform at anyway. Only cyborgs from the future would be able compete. We call it the World Series because if anyone else in the world would like to compete, our athletes would just eat the other teams and drink the blood of the victims.

A Study was conducted to point out the obvious

2009-02-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how many studies there are out there being conducted by complete turd for brains douchebags. Studies to study the study of studies and how those studies are actually studied. Conduct a study and have some University back you on it and you can study whatever the hell you want.

For instance, The Journal of Youth and Adolescence were apparently conducting a study that focused on gaming and internet use among college undergrads. And guess what they found out. That college males play violent games and look at porn online. Hmmm, fascinating stuff! I would have never guessed such things were going on. So, you are telling me that guys in their early 20s like blood and guts and gore in their games and titties in their faces while surfing the net? I never had a clue.

Whats next? You gonna tell me that girls like to shop and teenage kids like to hang out in malls? Im still waiting for the study that tells me that college kids drink alcohol. Until there is a study done, I wont believe it.

Whats more American than Football and Porn?

2009-02-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

They snap the ball! Kurt Warner drops back, his offensive line fighting off the Pittsburgh blitz, he looks left sees nothing. He looks right, his man is covered. One of the Defensive Linemen has slipped the block and is rushing towards Kurt, he starts to scramble and BAM! you get an eye-full of full frontal male nudity with some chick ready to enjoy a healthy serving of meat popsicle.

Apparently thats what happened to some people in Arizona who were watching the Super Bowl. The jazzy music kicked in, a man got his pants unzipped and then a certain PornaRIFIC! act was performed and then Parents began an uproar right after they Tivo-ed it of course.

But whats better than getting football with my porn or is it porn with my football? Either way, someone got interrupted. The guy that was popping a boner to football was like "hey! What the hell, now I have to consentrate all over again just to get this level of hardness! Damn it!" And the guy watching the football and getting bored was like "Alright! Porn! Pass the Guacamole Dip!" And the Father sitting in his living room with his son was like "Junior, go play outside. Me and your Mother really need this commercial break. So go outside Junior."

So I ask. Whats more American than Football and Porn? I mean, doesnt those two things completely summarize American society to a tee? What sport do we have that no one else in the world has and yet we call ourselves world champs? Football. What industry do we dominate in the online market? Porn. I mean, we play Football and the rest of the world calls it Futbol and yet we say 'fuck you world' and call it soccer and then say "we're taking Football for our Past Time, fuckers."

Only in America can you get Football with your Porn, or Porn with your Football. Either way, someone is happy and it will be only a matter of time before you get it in a happy meal.

Are you Hitting on Me?

2009-01-27T17:02:00.001-08:00

Ive realized only now that I can be completely oblivious to when Im getting hit on. I know what you're thinking; "how can you not realize you are getting hit on?" Well, Im usually the one doing the hitting, figuratively speaking of course and if you thought I meant literally then you will burn in hell because I would never hit a woman unless of course she needed a good spanking.

I digress. As I was saying, Im usually the one that initiates the flirtation and then playful banter ensues and giggling at stupid jokes, tee hee hee's with some ooh haha's. But its all fun and games flirtation. I flirt they flirt. Nothing to it. But I hardly ever get hit on first, you know. Well, actually, it happens more often than I think because Im just so completely oblivious to it.

My train of thought is that, "if Im not doing any flirting then there's no reason for some girl to be flirting with me." And thats not the case at all. I get hit on and dont even realize and then Im looking like an idiot giving sincere responses and straight answers when in reality this chick wants to jump my bone.

Sometimes Ill catch it in time but sometimes, itll be hours even a day later before I realize, "that chick was hitting on me! Damn, and I probably looked uninterested. Damn!"

The thing is, is that Ive always had to work for what I got, so to speak. I dont have classically good looks.....Im just cute. Cute doesnt get the hot women to come and hit on you as often as you would like. Cute just barely lets you flirt then you better have a personality and a sense of humor and a ton of cash. So, when I get hit on my brain must block out or ignore the passes because it must be in disbelief mode "like, she isnt hitting on you, she cant be hitting on you, there's no way she's hitting on you.......(hours laters) fuck, she WAS hitting on me!"

Im an idiot. I need to be more aware of these tell tell signs because I find myself in that epiphnatic state more often than not, the one where I get home and I slap myself on my head because I realize I just blew a good opportunity to fuck in an elevator. Damn it!

You Hang Up. No, YOU Hang Up.

2009-01-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

The conversating types. There are many many many types of people when it comes to face to face conversations but when it comes to phone conversations, it usually devolves into a certain couple of types. This is of course based off of my own observations and is therefore complete scientific proof reinforcing itself by the sole fact that I observed them proving my findings are hence therefore put forth as subsequent theories of absolute truth and validity.

People on the phone usually fall into general categories of mediocrity. Let me start with the gossip about other people's lifes person. Im sure you've overheard this person at some place of public venue or are even probably guilty of being this person. You know what Im talking about. "Did you hear what happened to so and so?" "No?! Well let me tell you about that dumb bitch. She was talking this and that to someone and you know how much of a stupid ho she sounds like, well she was all like unnn and people were all like ennn and I was all like ewww."

These people must find their lives too boring to acknowledge because these gossip types never seem to realize that what they are talking about seems to be an invasion of privacy and judgmental at the same time. Doesnt matter how much of a dumbass the other person is. If it doesnt effect you in anyway or doesnt concern the person you are telling then what the hell are you doing gossiping. Get a life thats interesting or grab a sense of humor. I hear they are on sale right now in this dire economy.

And how 'bout the "what are you up to?" person. You know the person that just calls to see what you are doing just so they can tag along because they've got nothing going on at all. They call but dont outright ask to tag along, instead they act like an annoying douchebag and hint at coming along with you to hangout or do whatever it is you are doing. Just grow some damn balls and ask already, dont keep me on the phone shooting shit that doesnt need to be shot.

Then there's the person that just doesnt answer their phones. At all. Doesnt matter what time of day it is or even if you are with the person. They just wont answer their phone. They always opt for the latter choice, "Ill just call them back." Thats always their response. It wouldnt matter if it was the freakin' police department calling to say that theyve been arrested and are seizing all their assests, they will always see it as less important and as something that can be handled later. Its almost like they would rather be the one calling, keeping the other people on this superficial supply and demand. Get a clue, answer your damn phone.

And then there's "uh huh, yeah, uh huh. Ok. Yeah. Uh huh." Person. The person that just has nothing to say but just pretends to listen and acts like they care. But in reality all they have to say is stuff that is agreement with whomever they are talking with. They can be talking to one person gossiping bad things about another person and agree and then get a call from the other person and agree with everything they have to say. And when the phone calls are all said and done, they wont have a fucking clue what it was all about.

Then there is the one I loathe the most. The texter. "Nuff Said. You see the buttons on your phone, there are also number on there. You can dial phone numbers and call a person. Dont substitute a whole conversation with text messages. I cant even begin how much that annoys me but thats for another blog post.

Douchebags

2009-01-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

In every walks of life there are douchebags. It doesnt matter who you are or what level of society you live in, there will always be those douchebags that just seem to fit a predetermined mold of cliches and motifs; almost like there is a God of douchebags that created them in his own image.

Let me get into some of these molds because Im sure you all have encountered, if not all, some of these douchebags.

First, there is the movie quoting douchebag guy. You know the guy, its that douchebag that cant go through a conversation without quoting some movie. His one-line zingers that he thinks are so clever are directly snatched from some movie and whats worse is that he tries to deliver the line the same way but falls flat in delivery and tone and just sounds like someone looking for a pat on the back and a helmet with a "Im a Douchebag" tag. His pathetic attempt at trying to be clever and witty is clouded by the fact that he just isnt that clever or witty but rather just has an endless arsenal of movie quotes to throw your way until you just roll your eyes at the very sound of his voice uttering another quote.

This leads me into the next douchebag guy; the unfunny jokes douchebag. Its that guy that thinks whatever he says is golden based on the sole fact that he is saying it. For instance, the jokes will consist of him calling "hey man" someone replying, "whats up," and then him replying "your face." Oh thanks for that douchebag. I get it, its your joke and my face, hahahaaaaaaaaa....no. Your joke isnt funny it just proves one thing, your douchebag status. Just because you deliver your jokes with that little extra oomph! doesnt make it funnier or even tolerable, if anything it moves you dangerously close to dork status as well.

How 'bout the overly energetic douchebag guy? Damn, this guy can get crazy annoying. Its the douchebag that just has so much energy that he can run circles around the other douchebags. He has jokes that are hit or miss, mostly miss. Actually, I think the overly energetic douchebag guy gets one funny joke allowed in a year and based off the rules of God Douchebag he can only use that one joke on a Tuesday when no one gives a fuck if he's funny or not, just get out of my face.

This brings me to stinky douchebag guy. Man, take a fucking shower! No I dont want to know something so dont call me over. And keep your filthy arms down because I dont think I can take another wiff of your palpable armpit funk. Its so putrid that I can taste it on my tongue. Keep your thoughts to yourself or say them from a distance because your stink just makes me want to kick you in the face and hand you a bar of soap.

So there you have it, a first parter to a douchebag series that is sure to increase in the coming weeks.

Im a Dumbass

2009-01-19T18:50:00.000-08:00

I know I know I havent been posting as frequently as I would like but some things happened to me that required my attention and took up my time and energy leaving little left for blogging. But I have finally pulled out the whip and gave myself 40 lashings Flagellation-Style because thats how I roll, figuratively speaking of course.

My life has hit a huge wake up call for my dumbass and I think its time for me to realize that wake up call. I just dont know what Im supposed to realize just yet. All I know is that I have something to realize, I know it or else I wouldnt feel this way. I cant figure out what I have to change about myself or do for someone else but it must be something important like pay for dinner or dont fart in the elevator. Those things are important right. Ok, well then, Im on the right track.

Once I feel more comfortable with my situation I will fill you all in on it. Right now, things are just in limbo for me and I cant quite get myself comfortable because of that fact.

It looks the same to me; thats because you're an Idiot

2009-01-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

One thing I continously find more and more annoying are people who try to argue that standard definition televisions and dvds look the same as Hi-def televisions and Blu-Ray. Give me a fucking break, actually, break off your head from your spinal column because that meat patty for a brain you got inside that skull casing aint doing you any good. So just get rid of it.

Sometimes I sit there in disbelief because they are arguing in a serious fashion completely trying to convince me. And the kicker, almost everytime, is that people that make this absurd argument dont own a Hi-Def television and have not seen Hi-Def outside a Best Buy.

Believe me, if you take the time to see true hi-def you will astonished. Its almost like youve been watching television with foggy glasses on. Once you go Hi-Def there really isnt any downgrading after that. Once you see those colors and those sharp edges, you really cant do a disservice to your eyes and downgrade.

But these people that try to argue that it looks the same are just trying to invest more value in outdated technology than their piece of crap television really has. So, if you cant afford a hi-def television dont act like your outdated boob tube is somehow on the same level of hi-def because its not. Youll just end up looking like a douchebag.

Those "hi" AYE-holes

2009-01-04T22:07:00.001-08:00

I wonder how many people actually deliver "hi" when someone tells them to. Like when you are at someone's place and someone asks you "how is so and so?" and you say something like "oh, they're good." I mean, what else are you gonna say "oh man, you should see how fat they've gotten, you look way better than they do."

Sorry, I digress. So then they say something like "well tell them I say hi." And your natural response is "I'll do that." But of course at that moment you're just thinking to yourself, "I dont really care if you say hi or not, if you really did care how they are you would find their number and call them yourself or visit them at their place. Dont make me your messenger boy." But you just smile and agree to deliver the empty disgenuine piece of crap "hi" that they have so inconsiderately left on your lap.

And I dont deliver the "hi" messages because Im a dick or anything, I dont deliver them because I forget to deliver them. I really do forget. But in my train of thought, I dont really feel guilty for not doing it because its not my responsibility to be your little errand boy because you are too lazy to find the person yourself and say hi.

Telling someone else to say hi to someone else is like saying, "I remember about that person but I dont really care to be genuine I just dont want to look like an inconsiderate prick."

So do me a favor and be genuine and say hi yourself because I really dont care to deliver your "hi." Goodbye.

Hork It Down you Fatty!

2009-01-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

Dont you love it when blog posts just seemingly write themselves as you are out doing your own thing.

Its like there is some kind of cosmic blogging force giving you things to notice as to not forget that you should definitely blog about this even if it does make you look like an asshole.

So here I go, about to make myself look like an asshole. Alas, I was driving to get gas and noticed an overweight woman walking down the road, I thought nothing of it. Not another thought crossed my mind but then I saw this attractive girl a few blocks down walking and I thought to myself, "I should give her a ride." Thats when it hit me. Fat people should walk more often, oh wait, thats not what it was. It was that Fat people will most definitely get asked less often than not if they want a ride when seen walking on the side of the road.

Because for me, Im thinking, "yeah, she needs to walk." AND yes I know how that sounds but you know what, I bet she knows it too. Me not offering her a ride is like me doing her a service. I am in a six degrees of separation sort of way helping her shed those unwanted pounds, ALL of them.

So, I thought that was the end of those fat thoughts but no, something more happens still with thee "overweight." I was eating at Crack in the Box and noticed this overweight man walking from a long ways away across parking lots and streets. He looked like he was headed in my direction and was on a mission. So I figure again, he wants to walk to help with the shedding of his blubbery suit. And good for him.

But I look over again and he's headed into the very same Jack in the Box Im sitting in and orders the Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger, Large.

Wait a minute here, you are walking from who knows how far away seemingly to help with the excess you're carrying and you are throwing it all away once you reach your destination. Thats like me working out for hours but while I work out Im horking down double cheeseburgers and fries. It doesnt make sense.

Maybe Im wrong, maybe the guy didnt want to lose any weight at all and just wants to enjoy the full flavor of heart attack and grease. Mmm MMMM!

Guess Who's Back

2009-01-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

Buzz Buzz Bitches!

Its a new year and this calls on a new year of blogging from yours truly. Do I have what it takes to keep it up again, well theres only one way to find out right. I figured since Im planning on getting drunk more, err, I mean drinking tastefully more I will be able to conjure up some wickedly good and insightful posts.

I took a break from blogging and found out that there is just too much dumb shit that goes on in the world and I feel almost an obligation to rise above it and make fun of it, in the most degrading and sarcastic way possible.

Take for instance, the extremely cautious winter drivers. Im all for smart driving but when you are driving 40 on the freeway because you see snow on the side of the roads, it does not give you the right to become a slug moving pansy driver. If anything, your driving slower actually causes more accidents because now people will have to react to idiotic driving and elementary reasoning skills on the road because you cant seem to figure out how to handle your car in cold weather. So please, if you cant comfortably drive on the road in winter weather, do us all a favor and take a bus.

I digress, so for this new year Im planning on blogging again and producing high quality posts. Along with drinking my brain away and finding the meaning of the microwave instructions for Pop-Tarts. Its just 3 seconds people! Three! Who needs a pop-tart that quickly?

Im blogging again....well, kinda.

2008-12-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

Hi guys, how y'all been? Ive started blogging again, well kinda. I started creatively writing again and have posted two new pieces over at my other Blog "Placebo Effect" If you want to dive into delibrately thick and smooth words then take a look.

Placebo Effect

And here's an update on my blogging status. Im planning on blogging again maybe sometime after the New Year. I already have plenty to blog about, everyday there is something that needs to be pointed out. Really. And that itch I mentioned before is slowly building in annoyance and at some point Im going to have to release it. So, be patient with me and dont forget about me, ok?

buzz buzz