I’ve been unapologetically absent here in 2011. Since November/December of 2010, when I was challenged to examine the way I work and live in the world, it’s been a process of letting go of old patterns of behavior. The way I was engaging here was clearly off — not in the outcome because I truly believe in the community we are creating and supporting — but my process.

Let me tell you how it was… like many bloggers I know, I was burning the candle at both ends. We had way too many commitments for the number of hours in the day: TV appearances, guest columns/posts, events… and as much as we loved creating content and providing resources for our moms and partners, I came to the realization that regardless of how successful we are, I just could not maintain this pace.

I actually had to “walk the walk” and listen to my intuition, which was saying that I had to put this down and allow the Universe to guide me to a new way of “doing,” one that is actually sustainable.

That’s where I’ve been for 2011. Learning a lot about boundaries, about grace, about relationships, and about humility. That is a big lesson: humility — that I can’t do it all, that whether or not I work an extra five hours that day or work at all that day makes not one iota of difference in the grand game of life on this planet, that if I hang on stubbornly to the belief that the only way that things get done is if I DO IT MYSELF, I am limited by the capacity of my own effort — which is not all that much.

That ego-driven thought is a tough cookie. It was born out of my need to survive my childhood but I know in my heart that to achieve my life purpose, it’s a way of being that has to end.

I’d love to say that here I am, a brand-new me in 2012. But in truth, it’s with tentative steps that I dip my toe back in, knowing more than ever how little I know about life and mothering but with a much more open heart to receive guidance from that still, small voice.

I hope you’ll join me on what I hesitate to call a “journey” as much as a stroll… to rediscover an honest and humble place in the family of things.

~ Ria

“Where love is, so is transformation.

…because love is transformation, moment to moment.”

-J. Krishnamurti

We are now well into the second week of 2012. How’s your New Year’s resolution going? If you’ve all but given up on resolutions, you are not alone. Zen Mommy talks about why most resolutions leave us feeling guilty and looks at the difference between “change” and “transformation” with Carol on Great Day St. Louis.

Maybe you set a New Year’s resolution and are still rocking it; eating better, exercising more, clearing out the clutter that has somehow successfully taken over most every nook and cranny of one’s car, home and office since it was reined in, January of last year.

Maybe you set a resolution for 2012 and have already broken it. If that is the case you now get to decide, is it worth reviving?

Or maybe you resist the idea of resolutions all together. You’ve watched them come and go in years gone by, each time largely failing to truly help you reshape an area of your life that you hoped to change, alter or in some way improve, and this year you’ve just chosen out.

If you are in any one of the three above categories, I invite you to join me in setting an empowering resolution for yourself and your life for 2012. What will make it powerful? One simple word. Love. Creating our resolutions from a place of self love and acceptance verse change, i.e. wanting to make something better, more or different (which is where most resolutions come from) makes all the difference in the world.

Let’s look a bit closer at how this works.

Setting Powerful  Resolutions in Four Steps:

1) Write down your resolution.

It can relate to any area of life or be specific to parenting:

EXAMPLES:

• “I’m going to get more organized at home and/or work…”
• “I’m going to start exercising more”
• “I’m going to be more patient with my kids”

2) Now, take a moment and reread your resolution.

As you reread it, look for any negative beliefs you may hold that might be driving your resolution. What is behind your desire to change this area in your life? Many times, our desire for changes comes from an underlying feeling of not being enough.

EXAMPLES:

• “I’m going to get more organized at home and/or work…” (I am so unorganized – life is out of control – there are not enough hours in the day)
• “I’m going to start exercising more” (I am out of shape – I’m fat – I hate my body)
• “I’m going to be more patient” (I am a bad mom – I wish I was more like so-and-so – I’ve probably permanently screwed-up my kids)

3) Next, write down and re-read the negative belief(s) behind your resolution.

Realize that any resolution born from guilt, pain or fear will most certainly set you on a course for failure, leading to more guilt for eventually breaking your resolution. This step is very important.

Before you go to “change” any area of your self or your life, spend some time with it as it is. Breathe and see if you can let go of the story you’ve made it mean… the drama… and just be with the facts of the story. (Ex: The fact behind the negative belief “I’m fat and ugly” could be “I am 20 pounds over weight) Breathe.

Sit a moment with things exactly as they are without judgment. Accept them. Accept yourself exactly as you are right now. See if you can hold love present even as you think about this area of your life exactly as it is.

From this place, where love is present, you can create your life, not just react to it. From this place, where love is present, so too is transformation. If you feel this shift to love, move to step four. If you have any difficulty here and want to move deeper in transforming the negative belief you hold, there are some wonderful tools for forgiveness on this site by Dr. Michael Ryce that will assist you including his forgiveness worksheet that I invite you to check out.

4) Begin again.

Think about your resolution in new words, declaring what you would like to create in any area of your life by completing this sentence:

“The possibility I am creating for myself and in my life is _____________.

After going through this final step, the EXAMPLES from above might read instead like this:

• “The possibility I am creating for myself and in my life is structure and order.”
• “The possibility I am creating for myself and in my life is time for myself.
• “The possibility I am creating for myself and in my life is peace.”

Make sure to write what you are creating, not what you want to avoid, like “to not yell, to not eat bad foods…” If you are still saying what you DON’T want — that is exactly what you are going to get.

Use positive, creative words. Write them down. Post your new resolution all around you on sticky notes to remind you of it throughout the day. Say your resolution to yourself each morning you wake up and every night before you go to bed. The possibility you hold for yourself and your new year WILL begin showing up in your life.

Happy New Year!!! May 2012 be filled with joy, self-love and acceptance for you and your family.

I hope you will share this exercise with your kids. What a BEAUTIFUL gift for we as parents to give our children.

Transformation.

——————

Suzanne Tucker, aka Zen Mommy
In addition to mommying to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003 and twins born in February of 2010, Suzanne co-owns a holistic health center with her husband Shawn in St. Louis, Missouri  where she practices as Certified Educator of  Infant Massage and health education teacher. Certified in a number of healing and life education approaches, Suzanne offers parent coaching and is the co-creator of the Yoga Parenting approach to positive parenting.

My mom suffered from postpartum depression. And it altered the course of her life and mine forever. I’ve had dear friends whose relationships with their children and partners have similarly been affected in a deep and defining way by PPD. One of them is my friend, Katherine Stone. Babble included her blog, Postpartum Progress in the Top 10 Mom Blogs of 2011, naming it as a groundbreaking resource for moms and moms-to-be.

I happen to agree. If you are a new mom and are struggling… please check it out. And if you or someone you love need some pre- postpartum support, I have another great resource.

Katherine, in conjunction with me and Jen Lemen, just completed a project specifically designed to provide gentle guidance and promote maternal mental health. It’s called Daily Hope and is delivered every weekday for a year directly to your inbox.

It features quotes and messages from Katherine, accompanied by the breathtaking images of British photographer Xanthe Berkeley. Katherine has been piloting this program for a year and is one of the ways she has been invaluable to the PPD community.

So for just $49, you can give the gift of a year of Daily Hope this holiday season, a light in the middle of the night of darkness that I know we sometimes feel as new moms.

Hugs to you,
Ria

It’s Stuff-itis season… the season when we are bombarded with messages of all the STUFF we deserve ourselves or need to gift to other people to show them we love them. We experience it every year, this idea that pervades our consciousness – in the malls, in our media, and in our culture – that with all the giving of stuff comes joy, love and connectedness. And yet, every year after all the wrappings and bows are stuffed in the trash and we’ve collected our stuff in a pile, after they join all the rest of our stuff, we don’t feel any different than we did before. We go back to the disconnected, running around we did back in September that was necessary to fuel this culture of stuff. We go back so we can do it all over again.

What does it all mean?

And there it is. The thing that we are really searching for: meaning. It turns out that The Grinch was right… Christmas doesn’t come in a box. We all know this. We just need reminders.

So how can we infuse our celebrations with meaning? Are there gifts that are more aligned with what we really want to share with our families and friends? – that we see them, that we are grateful for who they are and the moments of life we share with them and that they share with us.

So here are some ideas on ways to capture and share – not just pictures – but moments. And apropos of Thanksgiving this week, reminders of moments of connection that we can all be grateful for.

Picking one thing every day to be grateful for and noting it in some external way is powerful. Write it in a journal, or post it on your bathroom mirror… doing something every day for 30 days is a great way to create a pattern or a practice of gratitude. You could join the thousands of other people who are doing this online on Facebook and Twitter with the hashtag #30daysofgratitude.

Here’s an idea: collect your 30 days of gratitude and have a personalized book printed… there are any number of online services that will do this for you: Shutterfly, Paper Coterie, Blurb… and then you’ll have a tangible thing to remind you throughout the year of the things you already grateful for… and because gratitude is viral (so to speak), it’s that much easier to find more things to be grateful for.

Get your kids in on the fun too! You could do a gratitude book for your family or your kids could do books for themselves… and if you start today, you’d still be done before Christmas! If you add pictures, it’s even more powerful!

Along the same lines, you can share gratitude with your family. Picture calendars are a staple gift for the grandparents, right? How can you infuse it with the spirit of gratitude? Ask your kids to help you pick twelve things that they are grateful for and find pics to match.

If all of that organizing seems like too much, just pick one picture and make a memento box. (THIS is totally my speed). Then throughout the year when your child brings home an art project from school or leaves you a sweet note, you can put it in there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself all weepy when I stumble across these little treasures. The keepsake boxes also make great gifts.

Okay… maybe Christmas can come in a box.

It’s a delicious and nutritious seasonal snack and it’s easy enough for kids to make almost entirely on their own! My daughter who is a HUGE fan of pumpkin seeds (especially if she made them…) teaches us how kids can whip up a batch in the kitchen. Recipe included in VIDEO (2:31).

Do your kids have a go-to recipe that they love for Halloween or Thanksgiving? Share it with us in the comments below. And give Reilly some props! She’s a natural!

This Halloween, keep it safe for sure… but also keep it FUN!

I’ll be discussing this topic live on Great Day St. Louis Monday, October 17th so be sure to leave YOUR thoughts, stories and tips below and I’ll pass them along!

Here are four simple tips to keep you and your kids smiling all monster mash night long.

1. Plan a few special fall family rituals / outings in the weeks leading up to Halloween.

Find one or a few you like and then repeat them annually with your family. This is what your kids will remember when they grow up.  Examples: buying and carving a pumpkin, making pumpkin seeds, making caramel apples, going on a hayride, etc.

2. Share stories from Halloween’s past with your kids.

Tell them about when you were little. What were your favorite costumes growing up? Favorite candy? Family traditions? Talk about how you dressed them up when they were babies!!!

3. Plan ahead.

Buy just what you need to get by this year and then STOCK UP on all the things you’ll need for future Halloweens the day after Halloween. Example: This year have flashlights, reflectors, costumes, pillowcases (the kids can decorate themselves to collect their goodies in) and candy to hand out. Then this year, come Nov 1st, go shopping for all the little extra’s you’ll need in Halloween’s yet to come like door hanging wreaths, pumpkin containers to collect candy in, costumes for your dress-up bin and decorations for your home inside and out. Believe me, pre-holiday, those special decorations can be pricey. By waiting and planning ahead for next year, you will save about 75% and in some cases more. Stores are literally GIVING THERE HALLOWEEN INVENTORY AWAY at this point. I got a few caps, hats and dresses years ago at Target for 90% off the ticket price and my kids are still playing with them four years later.

4. Keep the pressure off.

It might surprise you but for some kids, all this seemingly FUN Halloween prep can be stressful! Things like which costume to pick, which jokes to tell and HOW and going up to new homes with big people they don’t know (or don’t know well) can be a little worrisome. Talking about it ahead of time with your child might be all you need to do to take the stress out. Let them know there’s no right or wrong here. Focus on the F-U-N.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in all the things your neighbors are doing but remember, especially for young kids less is more. Pick a block in your neighborhood or a friend or family member’s neighborhood to visit. Another idea is to find a Trunk or Treat in your neighborhood by googling “Trunk or Treat” plus the city you live in and go there instead!!!

Happy Halloween!!! Please post pictures of your little goblins (this year AND from Halloween’s past!) to our My Mommy Manual Facebook wall!!! (You’ve found us there I hope, yes?!?! Come on over and “Like” us if you haven’t already!)

——————

Suzanne Tucker, aka Zen Mommy
In addition to mommying to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003 and twins born in February of 2010, Suzanne co-owns a holistic health center with her husband Shawn in St. Louis, Missouri  where she practices as Certified Educator of  Infant Massage and health education teacher. Certified in a number of healing and life education approaches, Suzanne offers life coaching as Zen Mommy Coach and is the co-creator of the Yogi Parenting approach to positive parenting.

Much to this mom’s dismay, my 19 month old daughter climbed out of her crib after nap-time yesterday… and then I’m pretty sure lured her twin brother (4 minutes younger so there’s that!) to do the same. I walked in and my baby boy was sitting on the floor in front of his crib with a not so very happy look on his face saying “BOOM! BOOM!” Baby girl (can I still call them baby at 19 mo?) on the other hand was happy as a lark, walking around the room pulling blankets out of drawers, reveling in her new found freedom and POWER! ^_^

I set up the camera to catch her in the act. This is what I found.

Anyone else had a baby get out of the crib this early? My other two went 2.5 years before moving to big – girl – beds and never even attempted to climb out. Please share your creative thoughts on managing this. I’m all ears! Thus far, I’ve decided to lie down on the floor ’till I am certain my ‘lil Houdini has safely drifted off to slumberville. My boy ain’t in ANY hurry to throw himself over again, that’s for sure.

BOOM!!!

——-

Suzanne, aka Zen Mommy
In addition to mommy-ing to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003 and twins born in February of 2010, Suzanne owns a holistic health center in St. Louis, Missouri where she practices as a physical therapist, Certified Infant Massage Instructor and Parent Coach.

I needed to be reminded by my own message today. Tune in. Trust.

Thank you spirit for this reminder that came in the form of a conversation with my friend Katharine — a loving mama (to a very lucky little five-months-old boy) who is navigating the sometimes crazy road of mothering an infant, seeking balance as she lives with sleepless nights  and the many questions we moms face as first time (heck, as ANYtime) moms. “Am I doing it right? What does my baby need? Am I a good mom?!?”…

My friend is a warrior because she is taking the spiritual path of motherhood ON. It’s not always an easy path, but what it lacks in ease it makes up for in soft baby kisses and looks of love that could charm the devil himself.

Here is what I am remembering today.

—-

Ok…where’s the manual??? How many of us have felt that way when we are first sent out of the hospital with our little bundle of joy held snuggly in our arms? It would be nice though. Just turn to page 3 on crying and you will see exactly what you need to do. Not sleeping? Please turn to page 12.

Well, this may be hard to believe, but our children do come with a manual. And we actually get a different one with each child, each manual as as unique as they are. And like all manuals, just because we are given the manual doesn’t mean we immediately have all the knowledge inside memorized just by holding it. No, we will actually have to READ the manual if it’s going to help us. Or in the case of the manual that comes with each child, we need to LISTEN to it. You see, this manual is called our intuition.

The hard thing about intuition and parenting is that so often, as new moms, we are clear about one thing…we know nothing!!! I know it feels that way. But I am here to tell you, and hear me loud and clear, “Yes you do!!!” If it feels like you were absent the day this thing called “a mother’s intuition” was handed out, relax. It might just be that you are standing there holding it in your hands, wishing you knew what it said inside, frustrated that you don’t. Hey, I got an idea. Let’s OPEN IT UP and let that information in!

Developing Your Intuition

Sound hard? It’s not. It can be as simple as taking a deep breath and asking yourself (silently in your head or people may start to wonder about you) what you want to know and then waiting for your body to give you the answer. What if your body gives you two answers you ask? No problem. Try them both on and see how they feel.

If, for instance, you are deciding whether or not to go grocery shopping now (with your child) or later (when your husband is home and you could go alone) try them on. Say the one option and feel what that feels like. Now say the second and get a sense of how that feels. Now for the moment of truth. If I were standing right there in front of you and quickly demanded to know which felt more “right”, what would you say? Quick! Now! Survey says? There is no right or wrong answer, just go with your gut. Yeah, your gut; that is so often where intuition lives.

And don’t get all crazy if you can’t solve the major issues over night. Was Rome built in a day? Did Mark McGwire stand over home plate and knock the first pitch ever throw at him at age 5 out of the ball park? No, probably not. And so it stands to reason that you too may need some practice here. Start with little issues and as you build confidence with your “inner knowing”, start to tackle the bigger ones. Do I give you peas or corn today for lunch? Corn, I think. Smile. Do I change your diaper now or after we get to mom’s house? Now, I think. Smile. Do we try to go to dinner while mom watches you for the first time? Yes. Smile. Are you ready to move from my bed to a co-sleeper by my bed so I can sleep better ’cause I’m so worried I’ll squish you? Yes. Smile.

Okay, and now you are ready for the big leagues. Keep this up and by age 3 you will be tackling, “Do I put you in time out or take a deep breath and smile and ask you to do what I was hoping for you to do…again?” You breathe and smile. Hurray…your tot listened! And then the World Series. You sweet little baby is now 13 and you have ever so many different issues to manage. Breathe, tune in and act.

Intuition. You have it. I promise. Of course it’s still okay to ask other moms, to read all the parenting books or what everyone is saying on mymommymanual.com; but in the end, it’s your intuition that will tell you if what you read or hear is right for you and for your child. Use it, and it will grow as surely as your child will.

You have your child’s parenting manual. It’s right there within you. Tune into it. Trust it. Open yourself up to the powerful messages it has for you and let it guide you.

The Three Fights Every Parent Has With Their Kid and How to Stop Them

by Vanessa Van Petten

When I was 16 I thought it was my Dad’s goal in life to make me miserable. I was convinced that he had a running list of all the ways he could embarrass me in front of my friends, trick me into doing more chores or make my curfew earlier. In fact we had three of the most common parent-kid fights:

1. The “It’s Not Fair” Fight

Examples:
-Older brother gets to stay out late with his friends. Teen finds this grossly unfair.
-Parent gets to have soda, child does not. Teen finds this grossly unfair.
-Teenager cannot buy new outfit for dance because it is too expensive. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

2. The “Treat Me Like A Grown-Up” Fight

Examples:
-Teen wants to be able to stay out late with friends. Parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.
-Teen wants to go away for Spring Break, parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.

3. The “We Are a Different Person” Fight

Examples:
-Parent wants their teen to join band, teen doesn’t want to.
-Parent expects higher grades and when teen doesn’t do well, a huge fight ensues.
-Teen does not keep room tidy, parent gets upset when guests come over.

We would have these kinds of fights over and over again until one day I saw my Dad reading a parenting book. I flipped through it while my Dad was in the bathroom and realized a lot of the things he did that drove me crazy he was getting right out of this book! I looked at the other parenting books on our shelves and realized that they were all written by adults. I wondered—has anyone ever asked teens to write to their parents?

I decided to build a website where teens could answer questions and write to parents called RadicalParenting.com. I couldn’t believe how quickly it grew and how happy both teens were to get their voices out and parents were to have a new outlet for connecting with their kids! We now have over 120 teen writers who give advice. Here is what they had to say about solving each of the common parent fights:

1. The “It’s Not Fair” Fight

Emotional Intent: When you hear a teen talk about how unfair something is, what they are often feeling is, “I am not important or special enough.” If you feel like your teenager is constantly arguing about justice or fairness, they are most likely feeling like they are not being heard or cared about enough to get what they want. Of course, this is usually not the case. In the examples above parents would be worried about safety, health and money, while teens feel like they are not as important as their sibling, that their parents do not understand how important the dance is, and so on.

Solutions: The best way to stop the “it’s Not Fair” fight is to address the emotional intent. The best way to do this is for parents to push into the “it’s not fair” feeling from their children instead of pushing against it. For instance in the new outfit example a parent might say to their teen, “I hear you think this is unfair, will you tell me why?” A teen will most likely respond, “You buy stuff for yourself all the time,” or “But I deserve this dress.” These answers are important because it will show the parent the emotional intent behind the upset and feelings of injustice. If a parent addresses these by saying something like, “I could see how you feel like us not buying this for you is about you not feeling worthy. But the truth is we are trying to save for the big vacation we are taking this summer—which is for all of us. I know how important this dance is for you. Maybe we can get you a new pair of shoes or…” then the fight is stopped.

2. The “Treat Me Like A Grown-Up” Fight

Emotional Intent: Most fights during the teen years are actually based in this ‘treat me like a grown-up’ motivation. The earlier you can catch and address it the better it will be. It derives from the fundamental pulling away that comes with a teen trying to assert their independence.

Solutions: It is very important for parents to discuss reasons for decisions that are making a teenager angry. This way teens are sure to understand the real reasons for a parent’s choice. Another great way to help teenagers get less upset in fights surrounding their maturity is for parents to help teens feel mature in other ways. For example, perhaps parents do not want their teen to go away for the whole Spring Break because they want to have family time. A great way to address this with teens is to say clearly, “We really want to have family time with you, but we know you are getting older, so how about you do a weekend camping trip with your friends for one of the weekends.” This teaches teens you trust them, but it is all about balancing needs.

3. The “We Are a Different Person” Fight

Emotional Intent: Often times teenagers tell me that they will purposefully keep their room dirty or choose unapproved hobbies just so they can be different from their parents. Parents frequently misinterpret room cleaning or bad grades for laziness, when something deeper might be going on. Teenagers often will ‘misbehave’ or fight with parents simply to show them that they are their own person—even if it gets them into trouble.

Solutions: First, it’s important to make sure that you do want your child to be their own person. Be careful not to push expectations or your own goals onto your kids. Second, make sure teenagers know that some of the requirements you have for them (good grades a tidy room for guests) are not to make them feel less like an individual, but for them to have more choices in their future and to present a nice home to guests. I recommend parents being very direct with teenagers about their need to be ‘their own person’ you might be surprised what common fights are actually based in this emotional intent.

I think teens and parents can work together to overcome their differences and learn to work best together. We have just come out with our book: Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded and it is a radical approach to parenting because it is written from the kid’s perspective! We would love for you to check it out—if you are brave enough to see what kids have to say!

Local volunteer community organizers came together in 2009 to support the first reading of the play, Birth, by Karen Brody in St. Louis. Then, in 2010, volunteer organizers and sponsors built on their former success and hosted the first ever local full production of the play. Watch the 2010 cast in this inspiring short film of the play by RaileeProductions:

Plans for 2011 include another full production of the play, Birth, on August 28th, 2011 at the Tap Room in downtown St. Louis! Click here for more information on how you and/or your organization can get involved!

Karen Brody wrote Birth after interviewing 118 women across America about their birth stories. The play tells the story of eight of those women, representing the spectrum of experience among low-risk, educated, birthing women in the US today. Each performance is followed by a talk-back, giving audience members a chance to discuss pertinent issues from the play.

BOLD, initially called Birth On Labor Day, was founded in 2006 by playwright Karen Brody. Brody offered cities around the world the opportunity to perform her documentary-style play called Birth as part of BOLD. Her goal was to use the play to “make maternity mother-friendly.” Well-known women’s health expert Dr. Christiane Northrup called the play  Birth, “The Vagina Monologues for birth,” a label it has lived up to through BOLD.

BOLD runs three core programs: Performance and Talkbacks of the play Birth, Red Tents events, and the College Campaign. BOLD programs raise awareness and money in local communities to improve childbirth choices for mothers and have raised over $115,000 to date. This grassroots initiative reaches over 20,000+ women, men, children and families (and growing!) every year through local events like ours. For more details on the play and the national event, please visit the national BOLD web site at www.boldaction.org