My Montana Blu

2010-10-25T01:16:00.000-06:00

Wow..it's been a long time since I wrote anything on here. I keep thinking about it, but never seem to find the energy to do it. Ah well.....

My life is happy. I love my house, and I'm settling into coupledom really well with my girl. I've come out to nearly everyone that I need to do this with...the latest being a co-worker who works in a different building than me, but whom I'm really interested in becoming friends with. Figured it was a needed conversation, and I did it, and it gets easier each time I do it.

Other news....my friend...the first friend is back in my life in a real world way. She moved home after a terrible...breakup/unbreak up with her GF...it's been so nice having her home, and being in the place we can really be friends again. She and Ilene....my GF...get along really well, and totally seem to dig each other, and it's easy and wonderful to have her back..and I've realized she's always been meant to be in my life.

I don't...it really is like I've walked through the smoke, through the fire, and come out on the other side. My life is in a semi peaceful place now, and I've realized that everything is so much easier now that I'm not so horribly stressed about things. Work is easier, socializing is easier, etc...

Small Son and Little Miss are doing really well, though I did put Small Son in therapy, more because of how hubcap is acting toward me, than any real problems he has on his own, he just has a really rough time dealing with his daddy when his daddy isn't dealing...so there you go....

I'm not going to say I'm going to start writing like I used to, but I am going to try to make more of an effort. It's just harder to find things to write about when I'm not miserable. It's something I need to work at though, writing can't and shouldn't be just for misery in my life. I love writing, I love my life now. I'm totally broke, and happy as a clam...

Soooo.....off to bed with me...but happy trails to everyone...and keep on pushing, there is life on the other side of the proverbial fence.....

Mon

Moved Finally

2010-08-29T13:21:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been hiding. I've been moving, painting, and entertaining my mom, who decided it was a good time to visit literally one week after the big move.

So here is an update. I love love my new house. It's perfect. The kids are doing so well here. They go to sleep so well here, eat better, and behave better. I have to think this is because they are outside playing instead of watching TV.

I don't have TV anymore, don't want to pay for Satellite, so I'm working on getting us hooked up to the Internet via computer. We'll see how this goes.

My new kitty , Mr. Zipp has taken up residence in our house now. He is so sweet, but is having light urinary issues, so we will see. I'm hoping it's just an adjustment period for him. It's not excessive, and I haven't found any "evidence" since my mom and sister left. Cross your fingers because I've fallen in love with him.

It's raining today, and I just made myself a taco salad for lunch. I'm not going to spend too much time writing today, I need to clean. Little Miss is starting Kindergarten tomorrow, and I need to get the kids ready before they get home from their dads. I will try to make some time to do a real update soon.

Mon

Insurmountable Joy and Sadness

2010-07-22T21:00:00.000-06:00

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend, that made me sad, and it made me reflect on my own life. I value life, now more than ever.

Today I spoke with a new therapist, for Small Son. I've decided he needs therapy, as he is having a very hard time dealing with this divorce, and all it means in his life. He is finding it hard to tell me, because I believe he feels he is being disloyal to his daddy. It's time. I figured it would come eventually, and it's here.

This therapist was recommended to me by a friend at work.

He wants to involve Fucktard in therapy, which I'm all for. I think he needs to be involved, possibly more than I do. So now I have to tell Fucktard that I've initiated this process. I will, but I know it's going to cause an issue...so be it I suppose. I'm also thinking Fucktard will relate to this therapist, and maybe in some sort of back door way, it might help him. Anyway, I've got my fingers crossed.

I get my house next week...finally. It's been a long time coming. I'm taking Small Son with me to the walk through, so he can finally see it. He wants to go so bad, and I think it will be good for him to go with me. I'm more excited than I can say.

Financially, I'm approaching crunch time. Still so much to buy for the house and funds are dwindling but, I feel in my gut, that it will be all right. That this is what I've been working for my whole life. My own house. I've picked out paint. I've picked out my tractor mower. I've bought the much needed flatbed trailer, and I've given my heart away...to the most wonderful strong women I've ever met.

I feel so connected to her. I can talk to her about anything, everything, for hours. I've never felt this way in my life. I know I can depend on her, really depend on her to work with me, to hold my hand and support me in my weakness. I feel like things are so possible with her, and I don't feel alone. I think she is beautiful.

Where am I going with this? I'm pondering my life, the women in my life. I've said it before, I get and have gotten all of my emotional meals from women for most of my life. My dad and my son are really the only exception to this. It is women I go to when I hurt, be it my best friend or my mom, or my little girl when I need to snuggle her. It is women I call when I'm filled with joy. I guess it's just my turn, in this life, to trust in my female bonds, of which I have many. I am truly blessed. I didn't realize I had so many really good friends, until I accepted who and what I am.

So the things I'm doing for myself this week. I bought a guitar for me, and for Small Son, and intend on learning together. Something is calling me to learn to play the guitar, and I'm listening.

I'm following my gut....listening to my inner voice, and trying so hard to take care of myself so that I can take care of my loved ones.

I bought myself a kick ass cowboy hat and wore it to T-Ball practice tonight...I looked like the dyke I am..and was loving it. I especially loved the look I got from Fucktard, as I walked by him and didn't look at him.

I've drowned myself in the Indigo Girls this week, and that is ALWAYS good for me.

I've committed to adopting a new kitty when we move. His name is Zip..soon to be called Zippy and he lives at a cat sanctuary now. He's white and tabby, 5 years old, declawed, and soon to be very spoiled.

I told my last friend in the world I need to tell, or sort of told her, that I'm queer. I'm still alive and getting stronger by the day.

I've decided that it's not stupid to get the tattoo I really want on my leg, a copy of the hand Amy Ray has on her forearm. I decided she is what pulled me through this journey, and that honoring that was something that was spiritual, and would always make me feel good...so after the move, I get my 2nd tattoo...and I intend on decorating my body with tattoo's for the rest of my life!!!

Peace,

Mon

King of Anything...???

2010-07-19T22:06:00.000-06:00

My very very good friend Andy texed me today, and said, "this is my Mon song"...I hadn't heard it so I listened to it, and I agree...loved it. Googled the lyrics...and I am tempted to send this to Fucktard...

Enjoy the music, enjoy the view...and Thanks A...You know I love you more than my luggage!

Similarities..

2010-07-16T01:22:00.001-06:00

It's been awhile since I've written. Guess I just haven't been in the mood.

It's been rough going with hubcap, and I'm changing his name, officially from here on out. He will now be known as 'fucktard'. I'm trying my hardest to "not" react to him. To ignore his horrid behavior, but it's hard, really hard. Here is a sample of the email I get. I got this one two nights ago, and it's cut and pasted in it's entirety.

(Can you say DRUNK any louder?)

"I hope you know, that there is apsoluly no way I wil let your lesbian bich lover pick up my children. I will meet you no further than the legal tender parking lot in clancy. I am more than willing to fight till the end on this one. Bring it on you loser lesbian pussy sucker.Thanks for doing this to me and the kids.

Hubcap

P.S. Go to fucking hell"

So, this is what I've been dealing with lately. I thought for a long time, I'd get away without going through the pain of coming out. The grief of losing someone you did really love, and watching them change.

Granted I have changed more than I can say. Since I accepted who I was, really accepted her, I've felt myself get strong in ways I never thought possible. I feel scared, but this fear, pushes me forward instead of paralyzing me.

I'm putting Small Son into counseling. I have an appointment with the guy I've chosen next week to do the initial stuff with me. He says between Small son and I, we can get 8 visits on EAP, which is great, that's two months.

Found out from Small Son today, that "daddy says mean things about me and Ilene".."mommy he hates you", etc...I told him I know it must be hard to talk about his daddy like that, and asked him if he'd like me to get him some counseling, and he actually wanted too. I visited with him in the car for awhile this morning, and tried to explain the best I could what is happening. That daddy is sick right now, and that none of this is his fault. I explained that he needs to trust his gut, and realize what daddy is saying about me is a lie. He has a good sense of self, and he is highly intuitive, and I'm hoping that part of him will pull him through this with support from me, a good counselor and Ilene and Sissy. Just try to make as normal of a family as I can for both of them. It's killing me to see my babies go through this, because their dad is a fucktard.

I've grown as close as I hope to come to actually hating him. The only thing I can say, is that he is not seeing how bad he is getting to me. I'm able to hold it together and not react most of the time. I may vent to my friends for days, but he's not privileged to this info.

He's not going to be happy with some of my upcoming actions, but I have to protect my kids, and I'm done, so done, worrying about his sorry ass. I'm done with him, and his sorry poor me behavior.

He calls me the "three hundred pounds pussy sucking lesbian"...well first of all, I'm not even close to 300 lbs, not that it matters. Second, he's never once stopped to think, my impinging arthritis and god knows what else, has been hampering my movement. Not to mention the constant stress, the constant fear of him flipping out. He doesn't care, and never did. He didn't help me when I was married to him, what makes me think he will help me now?

All he wants to do, when we are actually talking is "bum a few vicodin" from me. Then he gets mad when I won't give them to him. I need them for me. It's a balancing act between my wonderful Doctor and me, and my pain. Without the pain pills, at times I just can't function. With them, I can. I can move and do stuff around the house, go out with the kids to music festivals, and to national parks. Without them, I'd be in bed crying in my milk.

So back to my topic, "Similarities"...it's become clear to me lately, that you really don't know how people are going to react to you, until you tell. I've told many people now, and all the important players in my life know, and are uber supportive. The ones that surprised me the most, are my friend Kelly, who I really expected to have a hard time with it, considering her religious bent. Not so, she has taken my hand, and held it with compassion and love that only a true friend can do. My friend Lynell is the same...I was so so worried, and all for naught. She still loves me, and the kids, she may not understand, but she's doing her best to understand and support in a real life way. There have been a few, one in particular that I am super disappointed in. This person is in my mommy group, and honestly, I thought we were better friends. I never in a million years, thought she would diss me this way. But if you want to know who your friends are, the real ones, tell them you are queer, and watch what happens. Most of them, have come to the table, pulled up a chair, and said, it's alright, we love you, there is NO issue. The few that haven't....well I have to let them go. Another friend of mine, Karen, has dropped me like a hot potato. I thought for sure, that though she wouldn't understand, she would still support me and love me. Instead, it's gossip behind my back, and no word from her for months. This is someone I was very very good friends with, in real life. Worked with her for several years, etc...

So I guess the similarities I've been pondering lately, are, what is REALLY so different about me? I still work, I'm still a single mom, I still shop at Walmart, and I still take care of my kids. On top of that, I deal with the most unpleasant and mean of ex husbands on a daily basis. I ignore him most of the time, which makes him madder still, but I refuse to sink to his level.

The best way I can prove to people I'm not a freak, is to just live my life. Who I love is my business. It's ceased to be a choice for me any longer. I've come to realize the choice for me, was loving men. That was the "choice"...but it was never a good one. It never felt good. It never felt free. It never felt like I was getting my needs met, and it never felt like I really had a partner, of which I totally feel now. I've never in my life felt so loved and cared for. So "in this together"...like I do.

I managed to "come out" to the last two people I wanted too in the last few weeks. My friend Melissa. That was a relief of major proportions. We do things with our kids all the time. The other person, is the mother of Small Son's best friend. I took her to lunch, and spilled my guts...she was wonderful, fabulous...as is her husband. I told her about the drinking and drugs and neglect, and asked if they would mind taking Small Son sometimes when they go on "boy trips", i.e. hiking, fishing, etc.....Scott is the kind of Daddy I wish Brian had. They both seemed super agreeable to it, and super supportive. I finally got my head around the fact I needed to ask for help, that it wasn't going to fall on my doorstep.

I've sucked up at work, and just decided to do it his way. I'm tried of fighting with my boss, and it's causing me nothing but stress. Since I gave in, started doing things "his" way, life has been much better at work as well.

I'm going to get a new tattoo on my calf, it's going to be similar to the hand Amy Ray has on her arm. I finally decided it wasn't silly, that it was profound. She and her music, and the Indigo Girls have pulled me through this for the last almost 5 years. It's been her I go to for constant comfort...so after I move into my new house in 3 weeks, I'm going to get myself a house warming present on my fat, ugly calf!

Peace,

Mon

2010-06-20T12:02:00.000-06:00

This was my first "Pride"...it was so fun. We probably didn't do as much as we would have had we been twenty years younger, but I have to say, out on the dance floor last night, we were making the kids jealous...!

I saw my very first ever Drag Queen show...it was a hoot. Not the drag queens you might find in the city for sure, but fun none the less. I over indulged in Tequila last night which made things even more fun.

"The Empress"

Heather and her "Date"....

"Chase the Chicken"

"Melissa"

Pride---Montana Style!

2010-06-19T19:26:00.000-06:00

This is the Spokane "Giant Ass Drum Core"...they played quite a lot at the Pride celebration today, and kicked ass...I'll post more later...

Why Homosexuality Should Be Banned

2010-06-15T00:53:00.000-06:00

Ummmm...Wow....nothing more too say.

One Of Us

2010-06-15T00:51:00.000-06:00

I'm going into Gemini mode tonight, as Sta, would say. I can feel my head spinning. Feel the need to listen to music that is old and comfortable for me.

I've been thinking on some things tonight, trying to format them into something that makes sense to me. Elusive thoughts that flit in and out of my head, there for a moment, then gone again.

The thing is, I wonder, was I drawn to artists like Melissa Etheridge, Stevie Nicks, etc...because that's where my soul was really comfortable. Looking back on my choices, I have always put myself right in the center of the queer community. I may not have been "part" of it, but I was always around it. I was just instinctively more comfortable there. I still am. Organized religion of nearly every form, save some forms of paganism frighten me with the single mindedness of it.

The narrow views, the doing "what you are told"...I've though so many times, life would have been easier if I could have subscribed to that type of thinking. To that type of life, but I never could, and never really tried. It's never been something I believed in.

Sure, I believe in being spiritual, but so many things don't make sense to me, and then I think, well if there is a "god or goddess" would they really organize a church based on hate and injustice? No...they wouldn't. And since those very things have always been central to my basic belief system, I guess I just naturally gravitated toward the queer community for friendship.

Now that I'm here, across the proverbial fence, I need this support even more, but it's harder to come by here in MT.

Ilene and I are going to Montana's Pride Celebration this weekend. I'm so looking forward to it. I've never done "pride" even with all the years I spent living in San Francisco. That was when I bolted out of town because so many people descended on us. This will be number one. I think it will be so good to just be some where even for a few days where I really feel comfortable.

I can't seem to make myself sleep lately, and I'm very tired to show for it. I need to find some energy to clean my house, and make myself start packing. Even even been considering hiring a house cleaner for the next month...

Because it's a great song, and it still has a super strong message...

Happy 6th Month Anniversary Baby....I Love You

2010-06-14T18:13:00.000-06:00

Saturday...was our "official" 6th month anniversary...who counts such things? Evidently I do now. The only thing is both Ilene (yes that is my girls name) and forgot on Saturday. We remembered before and after, but on Saturday, gone..nada...

Still, it's been a wonderful six months. This song embodies everything I feel for you. I want to lay and stroke and kiss you for hours...I love you so much!

We are going to hole up in a rented condo this weekend in Kalispell for Montana's Pride Celebration. I'm excited, taking a four day weekend, and considering this my birthday present for myself! How much better does it get than every queer person in MT celebrating my birthday??? Seriously though, I'm super excited.

5 FIVE 5

2010-06-10T20:36:00.000-06:00

Little Miss turned 5..yes FIVE...on Tuesday. Now, every day I wake up, and she say's, "Mommy, THIS IS MY 1ST DAY BEING FIVE....MOMMY..THIS IS MY 2ND DAY OF BEING 5, MOMMY, THIS IS MY 3RD DAY OF BEING 5...FIVE....

Can you say she's obsessed with being FIVE???

Some of her conversations this week have included..."Mommy...my friend Lina is not FIVE yet", "Mommy...it's only three day's until my FAKE birthday party for being FIVE"...

"No, I'm serious Mommy...I'm Five"....

I told her this week, that when you turn FIVE, your mommy get's to pick a new name for you, and that her's would now be "Savannah Lou"....I again heard, "Seriously Mommy, that is NOT true"....

I've had more giggles from my kid this week...and I've never ever seen any kid as obsessed about being FIVE....

Spinning....

2010-06-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

Is there a song that makes you melt inside? Every time you hear it, you just melt, fall back into a big down comforter of softness, and melt into the song? For me, it's the song "I Love You" by Sarah McLaughlin. I adore that song. Mirrorball reminds me of driving down Hwy 1, from San Francisco to Santa Cruz, soaking in the warm sunshine, smoking Marboro's....listening to Mirrorball over and over. Good times, and sad times for me.

I sit here sometimes and just wonder where on earth the time has gone. How am I almost 46? I don't mind 46, in fact I rather like it, but the journey to here sped by with such fury...I blinked, and 10 years were just gone. It makes me wonder how many chances I wasted. How many things should I have done, and didn't because I was afraid. Afraid of fear. Quite the revelation now. I really am enjoying my 40's..even with the pain. I've become authentic inside of myself, for myself.

I'm finally settling into me. Doing what I want for me, for the kids. Running on instinct, and knowing instinctively, that it will be the right choice, because it's a gut reaction. My gut never led my dad, nor myself down the wrong road. Where my mistakes have come, were from NOT listening to my gut. So from here on out, I'm working on listening to my inner voice. My truthful honest choices will be the best ones.

So where does this lead me? It leads me to ponder making garden pavers myself. It leaves me wondering just how hard it would be to build a kiln in my yard. Things that didn't seem possible before, are all the sudden working for me.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday, online. I realized my "good" tshirts were going on 3 years old. My jeans were becoming tattered with holes, worn spots...my shoes, though comfortable were starting to look comfortable.

So I bought out Lands End, Lane Bryant, Victoria's Secret and Zappos.com. I am wearing a new, wonderful pair of Doc Martins, and feeling like I can't wait to get some new clothes. I'm going to cut my hair, and I believe I'm going to get a 2nd tattoo. I'm wondering if tattooing in your 40's is addicting? I keep thinking about the feeling of getting my first one. The pain. The places my mind went...and then the way my GF worships my tattoo...and think I really do want more. Why not decorate my body during the 2nd half of my life???

I'm even content with my Dell Laptop, not feeling the need any longer to run out and buy a new Mac. I thought I'd do that as soon as I sold my house, but instead I keep tapping away on my Dell. I've never made that computer permanent. I've never put my photo's, nor my iTunes on it...I'm considering it...just to prove to myself I can change...I can make due and learn something new. As I become happier in my life, "things" are not as important to me.

Life and Love

2010-05-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

Have I told you lately...I'm in love....so in love.

Last night, I worked up the courage from somewhere to come out to my mommy group..the whole group. This group started online nearly 8 years ago now, as a due date group. We've somehow hung in there, and become real life friends, online. We've gone on trips, been though many happy times, and terrible tragedy's. This group of women, have become my family in so many ways.

I've been holding back from them, for a long time. Last night, I told. I posted a long post about my journey, and about my life now. I think it went fairly well. More importantly, I feel an enormous weight off my shoulders now. There are not too many people left to tell.

Back to being in love. It takes my breath away. OMG....how??? How have I fallen this hard? I can begin to share my real life joy in real life. It's making me so happy.

I'm going to Kalispell with my sweetie this weekend, and with my kids. We are going to Glacier National Park, so pray for nice weather for us, then I'll post some pictures when I get back,or maybe even from there.

Gotta Jam....places to go, and wonderful people to see!

Mon

On Coming Out...Really Comming Out...

2010-05-13T22:28:00.000-06:00

Where have I been?

OMG...it's been a wild ride for me the last few weeks...

I came out to one of my very good friends last night. One I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. She can be uber religious, and judgmental. Last night she wasn't. Last night I told her about my life, that I was tired filtering it for her. Tired of NOT sharing my real life with her.

If you all remember back to the woman that stayed with me last fall, right after I got out of the hospital, the one who moved away and came back, this is the friend I'm talking about. She looked at me when I told her, and said "it's going to take me awhile to get used to it, and why didn't you tell me?" I told her simply I was telling her now, that she was super important to me. That our friendship meant a lot to me, and I needed her in my life. She told me she just wanted me to be happy, then asked me all the typical questions about "how" this happens. I told her simply that I fell in love. That I'd been in this place for a long time, not acting on it, then someone came into my life and I fell in love. I didn't tell her the whole story, that is my own private Idaho for sure, and she knows and is friends with the first woman I fell in love with, and I think for everyone's sake, it's better if that particular detail does stay in the closet. I know, and she knows. My woman knows, and we are actually meeting up with "her" next weekend so they can meet. No one else needs to know this.

I did realize last night, why I am friends with this woman though. In the end, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and could she still "come over and hang out with me and the kids?" Dumb question. I told her that was exactly why she needed to know, because I wanted her in my life. My kids need her and so do I. She told me she loved that I "shared" my kids with her, that she adored them. I told her that I adored how she adored them.

With is woman, I've forged a bond that is strong enough to make it though this for sure. It gave me faith that I am moving in the right, forward direction. Two more people to tell, then the rest, they can just guess. I don't owe anyone any explanations about my life. I want to be truthful.

I read Melissa Etheridges book this week, and the thing that was so profound for me, was a statement she made. After she had been to hell and back, she said, "I am standing in my own truth"...of course I'm paraphrasing this, but you get the gist. I'm finally living a truthful life. I'm being honest in a way I've never been before. I'm not willing to compromise myself. I'm strong, and I will keep walking, arthritic knees and all.

I find myself floating in moments of extreme happiness. Just little glimpses of it, but they are there, coming to the surface. Finding me. Looking for me. Little bits of perfect spirits floating around me. It's wonderous. I find great joy in my kids, every day. I am having the best sex of my life for sure. That alone is freaking amazing. God..who knew?? I spend hours just kissing.

My friend last night, told me she had been dating this guy, and that she never knew sex could last an hour. All I could think of is....only an hour??? Seriously...now days, SEX...sex...SeX...sEx....for me...lasts hours...hours and hours....an unbelievable amount of time that amazes me each time. I shouldn't call it sex...I should say making love, because that's what it is. I've never felt more connected in my life.

It's hard to believe just where I was even one short year ago. I was so miserable, so unsure and unhappy. Now I'm finding my way.

Hubcap still has a pretty major ability to take me down 40 rungs on the proverbial ladder, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to not react to him, not engage. It's hard, and I can't always manage it...but I'm working on it.

I'm going to try to start writing more. I'm feeling more sure of myself. Each time I tell my GF that I'm tired, or I don't want to talk, I get a feeling of fear deep down inside, like I'm disappointing her. But she keeps reassuring me "it's okay honey"....god...I need this...her ...in my life so much. I just fucking love her so much.

So there you go, I will try to get on here, and write a little more often.

Mon

I'ts All About You

2010-05-01T12:34:00.001-06:00

Having so much trouble writing lately. I think of all these wonderful things, then I'm too tired to write.

This has been something that has been floating around my head for awhile.

One of Hubcaps favorite things to say to me is: "It's all about you"....It's amazing the different meaning this simple phrase takes on when someone else says it to me.

He said: "It's all about you....this divorce....you are selfish....."

She said: As she's stroking my hair, "It's all about you baby....let me love you.......It's all about you...."

He says when I ask him to pick up his kids: "Why should I do that? It's always ALL ABOUT YOU?", even though I remind him, it's really ALL about the kids...

But she says: "Baby...you are tired, go take a nap, I'll watch the kids..."It's all about you"...as she looks at me lovingly.

I've never had anyone treat me like this before. Like I can actually take a break, and become a human who is tired, who needs a nap, and doesn't need to explain "why"....

I'm tired, and I'm falling more in love every day.

More to write, but not much time to write it out.

My house closes escrow on July 30th.....

Hubcap has "figured" out about me and my girl....he was predictably nasty.

I talked to "HER"...the old "her", if you all remember this week.

She reminded me that I had given him a hundred chances...lists..expectations...etc...

She reminded me how I used to call her in a panic at night so we could talk because he was doing this to me way back then.

I needed to hear this from someone that was there with me. I needed to be reminded that I'm not making this all up in my head, like I sometimes feel I am after he gets done with me.

I'm caught up in a million nuances and what ifs...

I am finally really divorced....the papers were filed by my attorney at the courthouse on Friday.

He told me that I "had" change my name back to my maiden name, that he didn't want me to have "his" name.

I told him, NO, my name will remain the same, because I need my name to remain the same as my kids...he didn't get it. It's not that I want his name, but I must keep myself united with my children.

The light is finally peeking through the dark mists at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Mon

The ARAY in Me....!

2010-04-15T21:13:00.008-06:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote. Not sure where I should even start at this point.

First, you probably want to know why I named this post, "The ARAY in Me..!"? (Amy Ray, of the Indigo Girls, in case you didn't know)

Well here is the thing. Ever since I began this journey, she has been who and what I went to for the strength to keep walking. The balm that's eased my soul, and the light that has taken my breath away to make sure I don't waver in my queerness. I hope that makes sense. Simply stated, she has given me the strength to come out, to listen to my inner voice, and the courage to fall in love, and I should say, fall in love like I never have before, she is simply amazing to me.

I was reading my old blog this week, "Bearsmountain" which I closed down last year.

(Go take a look, you know you want too, it's a good read if I do say so myself, I think I have it open again, but if you have any trouble, let me know).

It took my breath away to see what I was going through back then. I'm going to open it back up for a bit, if any of you new readers want to see where I've been, how I've gotten here, and how long it took me. I was feeling way to vulnerable to open back up for a long time, but it's good for my mental health at this point to see just how far I've come in one short year.

Bearsmountain is where I made the most intense blog friends. It is a place I bared my soul, over and over again for over two years. The friends I made though that blog, are still with me. I still feel their guidance and love helping me along my journey.

I guess you might say this week has been full of excitement and lots of reflection.

The biggest news of all...I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! Yes, that's right, let me say it again, I BOUGHT A HOUSE OF MY OWN....It's perfect. It's out in the country, away from the town I live in now. It is a manufactured home, that was built in 1997. It has a view to kill for. It has 1 1/2 acres of grass for my kids to play on. It has both a jacuzzi tub inside, and a hot tub on the elevated screened in deck. It has a very over sized garage, with enough space for my girlfriend to set up her photography studio that she is closing down soon. I never in a million years thought I could find a place like this I could afford, let alone, qualify and buy it myself. OMG...this is so so huge. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel sure of what I'm doing.

The second thing is that by the end of April, my divorce will be final..really final. This too is so huge I can't get my head around it. I finally felt ready to let go of the power I had created by keeping Hubcap semi-dependent on me. It's hard to say that, but it was like the card I could pull out, and wave at him when I wanted him to do what I wanted. Sick, twisted, but the truth.

I changed the locks on my house, and he hasn't come near it since. When I told him he couldn't speak to the children if he called drunk, he quit calling drunk. It was like when I exacted my REAL power, he took heed and listened...

The drama is nearly over I think. I'm nearly out of this mess, and ready to really begin to live my life on my own terms. Things I thought I'd have to give up when I left hubcap suddenly seem attainable on my own. I never thought I'd have a yard like this again, now I'm going to have one that was better than the last one. One I picked out and paid for. I'm going to be able to look out my new sunny family room and watch the deer in my yard again. I'm going to be able to toss the kidlets on the back of my 4-wheeler again and take them riding whenever I want, right out my back door.

I'm going to buy a tractor lawnmower that I get to drive, and I'm going to buy an additional 4-wheeler so my girlfriend and I can take the kids out together, and so we can go out together. I'm so looking forward to this, since my knees have taken a dump on me, riding is the one thing I won't have to give up. I can get out in nature and not have to torture myself with the pain of hiking. I'm going to teach her to ride, though I suspect she will be a natural at it, since she used to ride a motorcycle. She will be able to make good use of it to get out and take photography trips on her own if she wishes.

I was so scared to leave hubcap because then, it meant giving up the things I loved most. My yard, my 4-wheeling trips and camping. My girlfriend is going to teach me how to tow my trailer so we can camp....

The life of fear I've been leading for the last few years seems to be leaving at a rapid pace now. I can't tell you just how huge buying this house feels to me in such a good way. It shows I can provide a home for my children. It shows I can find the place of my dreams, and honestly, the moment I looked at the listing on the Internet, my heart dropped. I ''knew" it was the right place. When I got there, I new with even a stronger certainty that it was the right place. My old house never felt like "my" house, it was always his. With his artwork that I couldn't stand to his mom's jello molds on the walls, to the ugly funeral looking urn thing that was on my kitchen counter that he got from his first marriage. It all felt icky and wrong. The place in that house, where I felt comfortable was the yard. That was mine. But this new yard, will be even more mine. It already has the beginnings of a garden. We are going to build a fire pit.

I am setting the kind of example now for my children I can be proud of. Not fear based, but strength based. I want my kids to be strong. Showing them I'm strong and that I love them is the best gift I can give them.

I'm not even really scared of bringing my girlfriend into their lives. I think it's going to be a great match. For all of us, right down to her little shelty named Jack.

STRONG SONG

Toxic Waste and Me

2010-03-21T09:58:00.002-06:00

I've spent the weekend literally sick to my stomach over Hubcap.

So here is the backstory.

We had our part of the escrow signing on the house on Thursday.

I can't tell you how much I was dreading this.

Anyway, when I got there, Hubcap was not there, and I asked if I could sign the papers alone. They happily obliged me, and I sat in that tiny room by myself and signed my house away with the realtor I don't like and the woman that worked for the title company.

Hubcap got there shortly after I did and waited in the waiting room, and when I left I didn't see him. This was my preference, as it really felt like I was signing away my previous life in lots of ways.

So later on that night, when I got home, he was leaving before I even got in my house. Same thing on Friday night. So when he called the kids on Friday night, I asked him,

"Okay, what are you mad at this time?"

It took a bit of me pushing, but finally he yelled at me..

"We should have signed those papers together!"

"You made me wait until you were done!"

"You made them do it twice!"

"It's always about "YOU", he said.

It' goes on, but you get the gist.

I told him I was sorry if it hurt his feelings, but I needed to do it alone. Then I asked about Small Son's Birthday this year. It falls on Friday, which is his weekend. He yelled at me...

"If you had read the PARENTING PLAN...you would KNOW you get him on EVEN years..."

He went on to call me self riotous and self centered.

Then I said, "Well do you want to keep him for his birthday or not?"

"Of course I want him", he said.

"Well then you keep him weekend", I said

"I guess YOU don't want him on his birthday then", he said.

"That is not what I said, I said if you want to keep him on his birthday it's fine with me, but I want to bring him a gift" I said.

"No, if I keep him on his birthday, you CAN'T see him"...

I then said, "well forget it then"...I'll keep him.

We dropped it at that and I haven't brought it back up at all, but then I haven't talked to him since.

The thing that made me sickest though, was he yelled at me me...

"I hope you choke on all the money YOU are going to get from MY inheritance"....I hung up on him at that point. I sounded like toxic waste coming out of his mouth.

I literally felt as if I were going to vomit when I hung up.

I had a friend over, who I thought was just stopping by to get the router I was giving to her, so I asked her to watch the kids and went upstairs and called GF.

It really comes down to this, I've let myself fall into a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse from him. I feel guilty if I don't do what he wants, but I don't want to do it so I feel guilty. I try not too "set" him off.

I've spent the entire weekend sick over this....thinking how he comes into my home and brings this shit in with him every day. I let him do this to me....

Soooo....I'm going to have the locks changed tomorrow. I'm going to start picking up my own kids, and yes, we can start sticking to the parenting plan. I honestly was feeling unsafe last night. I couldn't sleep because he seems so unstable to me, so not the man I married, that I really felt unable to go to sleep. I laid there wishing GF were with me so I wouldn't be alone. Wishing GF's little dog Jack were here to bark. I've never felt that way before.

I felt his hate of me this weekend in a huge way. I never thought he'd turn it on me...but he did.

I also spent part of last night upset at Small Son for a bit because I bought an Xbox, and he told his dad. I think that comment he made on Friday about me "choking" on the money made me feel guilty again, even though I've been planning on this purchase for awhile. I wanted one so I could play upstairs in my room, and I all the sudden feel the need to justify what I do and why.

Why does it matter what I do with my fundage as long as I take care of my kids?

It certainly has been a reality check for me this weekend, because I realized how easy it is to fall into these types of patterns even if you never have before. But then again, maybe I've been walking this subtle line for a long time and didn't know it.

If you have any good wishes to send out to the universe for me this week, please do, I suspect this is going to be an emotional brutal week for me.

Mon

It's Official...I'm "OUT"!

2010-03-15T18:17:00.002-06:00

Well folks, it's official. I told my mom today!

I told her I was seeing someone, and it wasn't a "man" and that she was wonderful.

You know what my mom said? "Honey, that's WONDERFUL"

....seriously, that's what she said to me. "Wonderful".

God...so this means I'm officially "out" to anyone in my life who matters....so I think that means I'm "out"...or does it???

Who the fuck cares..what a fucking relief!!

Now I can call my mom more often because I won't feel like I'm hiding this huge thing from her. Now I can include my GF in conversations about my life....

I'm so happy, and of course the very first thing I did was call my GF to tell her.

I had such an amazing weekend with her this weekend, it takes my breath away.

It's all good...

Mon

Red Hot Cookin'........Gotta Love The Marlboro Man!

2010-03-10T01:16:00.006-07:00

Okay, I admit it, I love to cook..it's like a sickness.

The only problem is, that Hubcap would not eat a vegetable...an onion....a tomato....so I got out of the habit of it. The bad habit continues because of the kidlets and their dislike of food.

Unfortunately for me, I've spent the evening watching the Travel Channel and the "wing challenge show"...my mouth is watering for hot wings....good god I'd snarf a dozen if I had them right now. Then it was the show with the Chicago Italian Beef sandwich (pronounced Sangwitch) Of course I HAD to Google that....

Then I went digging for some of my favorite recipes on my mommy board. I dug up one of my fav's...Pork taco's with Cilantro Cream Sauce, invented by a good friend of mine. That may just be on the menu this weekend. I'm in the mood for an all out cook fest. Good thing my GF likes to cook and especially seems to like to eat my concoctions....

I'm digressing in a big bad way, but I ended up on the Pioneer Woman Cooks site. Have any of you ever been there??? It's one of my favorite although much neglected sites. I've tried a boatload of recipes from this site and they are all good. Good doesn't begin to describe it really.

On my to-do list for the next few weeks..."The Marlboro Man's Favorite Sandwich". I've made this several times, it's to die for. I make extra and freeze them, then stick them in the oven at a later date for more Marlboro yumminess...Hubcap didn't like them...I of course adored them.

Another Marlboro Man Yumminess Casserole is "Chicken Spaghetti"...this is a favorite of me, the kidlets and even Hubcap. I need to make this soon, my mouth is watering.

I need to try the Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno "thingies" that she raves about, I've been wanting these for year....but have never done it. Soon. I happen to have a boat load of cream cheese I need to use up, these need to be made...maybe I need to have a partay!!!

And the last thing on my list for the moment, other than her hot wings, which happen to be very close to my own recipe is the "Shrimp Pasta in Foil Package" This one looks too easy, and too yummy to pass up.

I think it's spring coming on, maybe the house closing that is making me feel like cooking and cleaning my house. Time to sit on the porch with a cold beer. Although, this is not tonight, as it's farking snowing outside, but you get the drift. I get like this every spring.

My best friend Sta used to call it my "Red Dress" mood...it's just a time for good food, good friends, and good times. I need to make some new friends this summer, since all of the friends I've made since I've been here, for the most part, were "his" friends.....

Anyway...have any of you ever explored The Pioneer Woman's site? If you do, be prepared to spend some time, and nearly forget to come up for breath!!

Oh, and just for good measure, I bought a magazine stand "casserole" cookbook today...arrgh...oh and I have a brand new kick ass crock pot that needs to be broken in soon!

Mon

A Weathered Heart

2010-03-08T19:20:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the loves in my life today. I've had many. I came of age in the eighties, and like most of us back then, there wasn't really much to worry about other than getting pregnant by sleeping around. I was a virgin until I was 19, and then I decided one night I was tired of it, and went to the fair on a hot summer night, and met up with a guy I liked, and Bam!!

It was done.

I was now among the many that slept with people as easily as shaking hands. At this point, I must have been on a quest or a mission to have my way with as many men/boys as I could.

Only once during this time did I "fall in love", if you can even call it this now.

This was with a guy I met through a friend. He was super tall, beautiful with dark hair and eyes, his name was Eric, and we had a few months of fun times, then he went off and enlisted in the Army....after that I pined for him, or for what I thought should be "us".

Looking back now, it was more fun to "miss him" than it was to actually "be" with him. Maybe I had bad luck, or maybe I just wasn't into it, but I went though more men than I can even count now. I finally ended up getting married to a short little balding man who was younger than I was when I was 24.

This, of course, ended in disaster. He was a schmuck...a thief...a liar, but one thing we did well was talk. We'd talk and talk, and then talk some more. It took me years to see the "he" that he really was....

I then went on to chapter two of my love life...more guys...Never did I have a problem "getting" them, but I did have a problem keeping them, as most of them were what I thought I should want, but really didn't.

Somewhere during this time, I met up with a woman named "Kara" who was bisexual.

I went to her house several times, and we hung out, but she was married, and even back then, it wierded me out, even though I knew she and her husband wanted to sleep with me, I only wanted to sleep with her, so we never did anything, not even kiss.

Looking back now, I really wish I had. Maybe it would have opened my eyes back then...

Oh well, I still sit here, nearly 46 years old, and worry about "coming out" to my mom. I guess it's never going to be an easy thing to do, but I so badly want to do it. I'm feeling stifled because I'm not sharing my life with her really. She gets half my life.

I don't get to tell her about this wonderful woman I've fallen so in love with....this woman who rubs my knees when they hurt, and kisses me until I can't kiss anymore. This woman who makes me feel more loved and cared for than anyone ever has in my entire life...

I feel like I'm being dishonest to my girlfriend by not telling my mom, like I'm denying something beautiful by sheer omission.

I'm almost ready to do this, some how I'll find a way to do this. It's weighing heavy on my soul, because I so want to tell her so I can share this person with her.

I know hands down my mom will love her. I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy for me, so why is it so so hard to work up the guts to tell her?

Maybe this stress is no different if you are 20 years old, or 46 years old...it still holds the possibility of rejection from some of the people you love the most...

I've all along since this journey has begun, I've assumed it would be "easier" for me because I'm older...but now I have to question that very thought. It's been easier so far because the people I've told have embraced me and loved me with open arms. Anyone whom I'm not sure of the reaction I'll get, I haven't told....so I'm not putting myself at risk. Part of this is just because I don't really feel like sharing this portion of my life with the people I work with now, and part of it is just plain old fear. Fear for how people will treat my kids, or if they will tell Hubcap before I'm ready for him to know...

So many things to think on...

Mon

Spring Is Coming!

2010-03-07T16:56:00.002-07:00

I spent the weekend at a local hotel with my kids. I got a screaming deal on this room, because I work with a woman and her husband works there. They were having a "friends and family" special this month. This is the local "4 Star" hotel I've gotten off Priceline a few time...for like $60.00 a night. This time I got the room for $39.00.

Anyway, the room was so so, but the pool in this hotel is bath water warm. It's a great pool for the kids. The hot tub sits in full view of the pool so the adult (me) can sit in the hot tub, and watch them (kidlets) swim. A good friend of mine and her boys who are the same age as my kids, met us there, and we let the kids swim and swim, then ordered pizza, then swam some more. It was such a good night. This morning, the kids and I got up and swam again, then just put our sweats on, grabbed the two small tote bags I brought and came home.

I think I might just be a proponent of a "mini vacation" at home, but not at home. It was so freaking easy. I didn't have to pack really, I did bring a bag of snacks from home which the four kids managed to scarf in no time, but we had loads of fun...for very little money really.

Then when the kids called Hubcap last night, he got me on the phone and said "What the H*LL are you doing there?" In this nastay controlling voice. I said, "I got a great deal on the room and the kids and I are swimming, what's it to you?" He said "It didn't matter". Obviously it did, but oh well. I was talking to "her" (GF) last night about this, and one thing that occurred to me is that maybe he just doesn't realize how he sounds...because that tone automatically puts me on the defensive and makes me angry nearly instantly. I'm not sure it's his intent, but it does. I kept thinking last night, maybe he just doesn't realize that he sounds like a n asshat when he says stuff like that.

It's funny, I got a text from my friend (the one with the two boys) last night after she left, and she texted me, "too bad he didn't know the way to your heart was through your kids"...we had a long talk last night, and our "husbands" are so much alike, I think it scares her to see how mine is acting because I think, and so does she for that matter, she'll be going through this same thing eventually.

I still have to wonder why he cares what I do with the kids, and why he cares what I do in general. It's like he is still trying to control me and each time he tries and it doesn't work pushes him further into his hate of me. He is one of the most unhappy angry people I know now. He didn't used to be, but he is now. His energy is clearly toxic, and it sets me up on edge nearly instantly.

Anyway, I had a good talk with both my friend and my "girlfriend"...god it's weird to say that, bu t it's true....:) I had a great time with my kids...I love love it when we have days...no weekends...like this.

Over and out from Montana!

Mon

Maybe Next Year!!!

2010-03-04T18:44:00.003-07:00

I didn't win "The Lezzies", but I'm so honored to even be nominated...I've been secretly lusting after that for the whole 3 years I've been blogging, both on this blog, and my older closed down blog, "Bearsmountain".

The great thing is though, that my very good friend "Making Space" did win...I'm so freaking happy for her. She has quite the journey, and story to tell. I remember a few years back when she emailed me, and we became good online friends...I couldn't be more pleased for her. Also, Grumpy Granny was nominated like me, and she really has been great to me over the years as well. I think we are all just very lucky to be recognized, and for any of those that did vote for me, I really really appreciate it and want to thank you.

I've been so stressed from Hubcap this week, it just seems to never end. I sometimes wonder just when this freaking nightmare of a divorce is going to end. He blames me for everything, and I know he is saying stuff about me to the kids, just because they say stuff to me. Then it's all I can do to not give them the third degree....I can't run "daddy" down to them...even though I know he is doing it to me. I refuse to hurt my kids.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on forgiveness and hurt. Why is it people feel the need to hurt each other? I'm not saying I'm immune to this, obviously I'm not, as I want to ram Hubcap into a cement wall most of the time, but why is it impossible for me to let it go most of the time?

He never fails to get a dig in on me. I booked Small Son's Birthday Party this week, and told him, that I had to book it on "his" weekend, since "my" weekend was Easter weekend. He got all huffy and said something to the effect "You didn't talk to me about it and now you want me to pay HALF"? I told him I'd really like it if he did, but I sure wasn't holding my breath, as he never wants to do anything where the kids are concerned, that all he HAD to do was get the kids to Small Son's party and I would do the rest. It continually amazes me that this man I was married to for so long, doesn't seem to give a shit about his own kids. He does what he "has" to do, but no more, ever. It makes no sense to me. We have beautiful, wonderful kids and I honestly don't know where his sense of duty and obligation to them went. Probably up in a cloud of pot smoke....just sayin'.

I just want to get past this daily stress of feeling like I'm going to break literally into a million pieces. Like there just isn't "enough" of me to go around. I can't get sick, since he won't help with the kids, I can't take a night off to just go to bed early cause he won't take the kids unless it's "his" weekend..he has to put them to bed a whole four days a month.....I guess that's enough for him. Not that I want my kids to not be with me, but I sure would love to just have someone say sometime...."Good God you look tired, why don't you let me put the kids to bed and you go take a nap".... I can't get my head around the fact this is NEVER going to happen. That this is LIFE as a single parent. I have to get my head around this feeling of being so very alone where the kids are concerned. Being mad is not helping me in the slightest.

I've come out to my sister, and I'm almost there with my mom...I just can't get over the "hump" to tell her for some reason. I'm not sure why, as I'm not worried about her, she is very liberal, and honestly I'm sure she already knows, since years ago I accidentally sent her that erroneous blog post...If you are a long time reader you may remember that.

I know I was sitting at my desk at work today, thinking, I'm really going through this "coming out" thing. In the back of my head, all this time, I think I kept thinking that journey was for "other people". I'm starting to realize I am one of those "other" people after all. There is nothing special or remarkable about me. I'm having to go through the pain of it..just like everyone else.

Well enough for now....

Mon

I'm a Finalist!!!!

2010-02-22T07:40:00.001-07:00

Okay peeps...I made it to the Finals of TLL's 2009 Lezzie Awards, now you really have to vote for me!!! Voting starts today at 12:00 PM.

Good God....We Have an Offer!

2010-02-21T12:51:00.003-07:00

Okay folks, cross your fingers, we had an acceptable offer on the house and signed the papers accepting the offer yesterday. They still have to do a home inspection and all that jazz, but the house really is in good shape. Escrow is set to close on March 26th, which ironically is Small Son's birthday.

Hubcap as usual was his normal putrid self. He just discovered that I had raided the equity line after he did, and he was all pissed about that. I looked at him straight in the face and said, "what, it's okay for you to take money, but not okay for me?" He put his head down and mumbled "I guess not". I'll tell you, I'm getting more and more sick of the whole thing.

Last night he called and asked me not to take anymore money out of the equity line, then proceeded to tell me that I had taken out more money. I said, maybe, but I also didn't have any money and I needed to feed the kids...He once again said his infamous phrase to me, "I didn't ask for this, not my problem"...fucker. He gives me $90.00 per month for two kids...and it's not his problem. Well maybe not. But it is his problem if his kids need to eat or have new jeans..but evidently that's not "his problem" either. I know I shouldn't get so angry but I do.

I'm trying to get my head around cutting him off, finalizing and all that jazz. It's much harder emotionally than I expected it to be. Oh well.

Mon

A Day...or a Week In My Life

2010-02-17T00:38:00.004-07:00

Goodness it's late. I've tried to go to sleep. I did in fact go to sleep, on my couch. I called my girl to say goodnight when I woke up, then went to bed. Now the fun begins. I wake up and can't sleep. I clock watch. I dread going to work tomorrow.

I feel like I live a half life. Half real, half holding back. I'm not sure when I'm going to find the courage to finally break through the walls I need too. I had no idea this process, this coming out process would take me literally years. That I'd need to have a final experiment with a man. That I'd fall in love the first time I reached out to someone.

My mind wanders in a million directions, and I really feel like I need some time off to just process it all.

I have made many decisions this year. Who do I tell, when do I tell, do I even need to tell? Is it any of so and so's business who I sleep with? But if I don't tell, does that mean I'm "hiding"? All questions to ponder. I sometimes think I'm walking a tightrope. If I do the wrong thing, surely I'll tip and fall down into the rabbit hole.

A good friend of mine at work keeps bringing up lesbianism. I can't figure out if she is figuring me out..or leaning that way herself...I have no interest in this person other than being friends, but it's a sticky situation.

I think this is the core reason I want to move. I can move and just "come out"..period. I can tell people here, and because I won't have to deal with them on a daily basis, I can relax a bit. I can live my life in a more honest truthful place.

I really am having a hard time with this right now. For as honest as I am being most of the time, there is the part of me that is totally compartmentalized. I have made a promise to myself though. I will not hide things from "her". I won't compartmentalize in my relationship again. I feel safe opening up and telling her the dirty secrets I haven't told anyone else to speak of. I even told her about my blog so she can read it. It's so very different than the life I lived with Hubcap.

I also wonder, just how much do I tell the kidlets? They are so little, my gut says just be normal, act normal, and they won't question it. If I make a big deal of it, then it will be a big deal for them. My only worry is when Hubcap finds out. Hopefully by that time I'll have moved and not have to deal with him on a daily basis, at least for awhile. I suspect he will eventually follow me there, as he won't want to be that far away from the kids...but we shall see.

I'm just so emotional of late. So vulnerable.

Some of the things I love about my new "girlfriend", yes I'm going to call her that. I have said the love word, I have taken the personals down. I think she officially counts as my girlfriend at this point.

She is wonderful, have I told you that? She honestly makes me feel more loved, and more cared for than I have since I was a child, and I'm not sure she even tries. She's just that way. I know she is intense....as most Leo's are. At the same time, she is so calming for me. We hang out, cook, and really don't feel much of a need to even leave the house. We talk constantly...in a good way. I can tell her hard things and not only is she okay with them, she is objective and has a good opinion. I hope I can be as much of a help to her as she is to me. I just really am enjoying this. I'm enjoying not being scared of "what" she is thinking, as she just tells me.

We had such a nice Valentines day weekend. I gave her a box of personal products so she wouldn't have to "pack" to come see me. She left her robe, and I keep going in the closet and smelling it. She gave me the most wonderful letter. I have re-read it at least 20 times, and along with a big bunch of red flowers and a cute little stufty.

I went out on a "date" with Small Son on Friday night to see "Avatar". She just hung out at my house, and when I got home rubbed my back. She gets my kids and my need to see and be with my kids..I'll never get over how huge this really is..that she is not threatened by my big freaking scary life.

I was in some pretty serious pain Saturday night, and instead of the usual ignoring me, making me feel guilty stuff that I'm used too...she laid with me, rubbed my knees and back, and we spooned and talked. It was amazing. We fit..our bodies fit.

To say that I'm happy about her being in my life is an understatement. I'm grateful I've found someone who not only puts up with me, but understands me, loves me, and finds me sexy. I hope she knows I feel the same about her.

Okay...enough babbling....I'm finally getting sleepy...

Oh..and VOTE VOTE VOTE for me please!!!!

Mon