My mother, my madness

In the river

2011-12-05T18:15:00.001+02:00

Deciding to get divorced has been, is a big decision. It's a bit like deciding to cross a very wide river, you have to get into it in order to get across. The river is wide and deep and full of currents, the weeds and algae at bottom underneath are frightening, slimy and they move. You can't see clearly into the water. It is murky, muddy.

I am in the river, completely wet, mostly my attention is fixed on getting to the other side, but I have to swim, try not to drown and not listen too much to the sirens on the bank I have left behind beckoning me back to them.

For now I am making my way across the river, not sure how long it will take to get to the other side.

Not the Three Bears anymore

2011-11-26T11:49:00.001+02:00

Been feeling mute, unable to write here or anywhere else, except for Facebook Status updates.

There is a dispute with the insurance company as to who will pay for what. The LRR doesn't want to claim from their insurance; they are meant to be a non-smoking building. A fire like this one will change the premiums and will get their insurers to ask questions they don't want asked. My mother's insurers say that she pays a levy, so that should cover damage to the building. I say what about the public liability she pays for?

Someone will have to pay, I think it will be my mother. Or I will pay on her behalf, using her money.

She has been relocated to the frail care section in the interim, a double room. She has become more sociable. She spends time downstairs now. I had to go there yesterday and take her underwear. She had run out of underwear. She throws underwear away if it gets soiled.

***

I in the meantime am getting divorced. It is not easy to get divorced. I am having regrets now. Not that I feel differently about my husband, he is still my husband, we are not divorced yet. I think things like perhaps we will go swimming tomorrow, the three of us, and then I remember there isn't a three of us, there is no family anymore. There is my daughter and me, she has me, she has her father. But not as a family. Not the Three Bears. At first I felt relief and a kind of elation. Now I feel gloomy, sad, OK too. I guess the parts of my psyche that weren't up to speed are figuring things out.

I keep remembering things, like a day my husband and I went to the beach at Muizenberg without baby bear. She was at school or playing with a friend, I don't remember. We couldn't swim together, one of us had to guard the car keys. I watched him walk to the sea, and he felt like a stranger to me, I wondered how I could spend the rest of my life with him and how I would feel once our daughter was grown up and we were left alone, with each other. At the same time, I felt a strange affection for him.

As it is me asking for the divorce, some of the practical steps are up to me, I guess. For now he has moved into the garden cottage on our property and he uses the kitchen in the house. Baby Bear and I have stayed in the house. For now this feels like enough. Although it makes me sad to see him sometimes, other times annoyed and other times pleased. Just like before, only now there is also the sadness. Before it was either pleased or annoyed.

There is heaviness I am carrying around in the middle of my body. Is this sadness, grief, loss? Sometimes it lifts briefly, and then it returns. Soon it will be the holidays and Baby Bear and I will go away for three weeks to friends for the holidays. I am looking forward to this.

I need toilet paper

2011-06-07T17:17:00.000+02:00

My mother phones me, I need toilet paper. But I bought some for you last week, I will phone downstairs and see what the the story is. Yes, please do that. I phone reception and the nice man downstairs sends a carer up to my mother's apartment. The toilet paper is in the kitchen cupboard. Not in the bathroom on the floor piled up there as it usually is.

My mother phones me to tells me this. I said to her, yes, why the bloody hell is it in the kitchen, I need it in the bathroom.

I also organised cigarettes for her today. The man at Pick n Pay knows me, he knows what I want from him. Cigarettes, lots of them. Seven cartons. He will sms me the amount that I must pay by EFT later today, or maybe even tomorrow.

Last week I also saw my mother's psychiatrist, a pre-briefing before he sees her and assesses her for Oasis, to determine whether she is OK in assisted living or whether she should be moved to Frail Care or ??? That is really the last move before the final one.

I agreed with my friend today that I will throw away my comfiest jersey, because really it is a very ugly jersey, shlumpy is not the word to describe it. I know it is the right thing to do, but I am wearing it for the last time tonight. I will put it in a bag and leave it our for the garbage picker-throughers on Thursday night.

Operating

2011-05-31T10:40:00.000+02:00

Yesterday my mother had a cataract/ cataracts removed from her left eye. I took her to the hospital, had to leave home at 7.30 and got her to the hospital where she was having the op just in time at 8.45 Driving through a very wet Cape Town, traffic, road works, and up the West Coast road was impressed with the indigenous plantings along the side of the road, and the new MyCiti bus service lanes and stops, it all looks fabulous, very 21st Century. I wasn't in a great mood, just being around my mother does that to me/for me. She was obviously anxious and kept asking who was going to fetch her. I'd organised for the driver of the LRR and a carer to fetch her, she was going to be at the hospital for hours.

My mother had this tense, cross, suspicious look on her face and she kept looking sideways and upwards at the nurse who was taking her pre-op details and blood pressure and so on. She had to take her clothes off, but could keep her "broeks" on (her word). She complained at the surgical gown, and there was her body, uncared for, skin dry on her back and all the scars from her wide range of surgeries. Like an old package that has been wrapped and rewrapped again and again.

She walks slowly and finds it hard to get up from a chair by herself. She has become frailer. And she lied about how much she smokes, she told the nurse 20 a day. When it is actually 60 a day. No, mom, I said, it is two packs of 30. Oh she says, I thought it was only 20. Sometimes X only gives me 20. (No, mom I say in my mind.)

I had all sorts of financial things to sort out too, I fell into an anxious, cross, tense space and had flares of tiffs with my husband.

Today I have to see my mom's psychiatrist before she has her assessment re where she should live. And I have had to organise for her to go back to see the opthalmologist on Wednesday. I have found a good taxi service, I think if I have her over, will use them again. I still need to do her Pick n Pay shop today for Cokes and toilet paper, soap, toothpaste and so on. Sometimes just feels as though there is this endless to do list.

This is not about you

2011-05-25T10:35:00.001+02:00

Last night I dreamed of a man I was intimate with for a long time, he still appears in dreams even though we haven't been intimate for decades. Yet in the whole of my adult life he still appears in dreams. And I want him, want him to want me - want, desire, long for, something. Awake to a thing I can never have, and yet am not afraid to want. I feel alive this morning, vibrating with desire, longing and yet calm.

And in my Facebook inbox a message from another man from long ago, inviting me to lunch with him today. Suddenly he is free today. How I would have liked to do that, to see him. My daughter has a bad cold and it seems to me she should not go to school today. So I say no, not today, but do ask me again. I am pleased by the prospect that I could have had lunch today, with a man who looks at me intently and smiles and laughs easily. A man who when he was telling me about his boy, now in matric, who I last saw when he was a baby in a carrycot, who cradles his arms and looks at the baby boy he can see there in his arms. There is much water under the bridge between us, but even that water has long since reached the sea. Somehow, though, between us both, there is still a charge, a frisson, and how wonderful to feel that again, after all this time, when it seems to me at times that my body has gone to sleep or moved to a different neighbourhood. A neighbourhood of sexual silence, a neighbourhood of gardening, and washing the dishes, and making sandwiches for school, and working at the table, reading quietly in the sun on my bed on Saturday afternoon.

But today I find that no, I am still alive in all sorts of ways I had forgotten about. And yet the difference between who I am now and who I was then is that I no longer feel the urgent need to act impulsively. I sit here at my keyboard, and feel alive and tingling. My body alert and smiling deeply inside.

I am letting go of something. Something that is trapped in the frozen life-sapping wastes of my mother. My mother complex. Today I am quietly happy. Alive. Full of longing and desire. Quietly.

(This is not about you - refers to the title of Janice Galloway's memoir This is not about me. Today I am not writing about you, Ma.)

Seeing, not seeing

2011-05-24T21:31:00.000+02:00

On Thursday I have to take my mother to see an opthalmologist, she has cataracts, and has to have them removed. I have to organise a lift home for my daughter from ballet, I won't be home in time to fetch her.

My daughter's birthday on Monday, and party the following Saturday. She has had party every birthday and sort of takes it for granted. She loves her party and takes months to plan the details. I love giving her a party. Need to order the cake this week, source large sheets of newsprint, glue, scissors, paints, brushes, magazines to cut up, and so on. The activity this year is to do make life size body maps and decorate, colour them in. I will take a picture and upload to show what they look like.

Saw my analyst today and told her of the awful meeting of last week, and how it left me feeling drained. And found my husband much more annoying than usual. Felt worn down and worn out.

On Tuesday next week I have to see my mother's psychiatrist before he sees her to assess her to decide on her placement. I think that Oasis is wanting to edge her to frail care.

Tomorrow I am going to shop for my daughter's birthday. Money is a little tight, so will have to be imaginative. I had to buy her some new school clothes today. She's growing fast, and will be a tall girl. A tall woman. She is so dear. Tonight when she was eating her supper, picking bits of vegetables out of the bolognaise sauce, I thought I should take a picture to show her when she is older, she may not remember how much she detested vegetables in any recognisable size, shape or form.

Now to sleep, not late, but I am tired. We still have mosquitos in spite of the rains and the cold. Isn't there a period where the mosquitos disappear?

"Mom is completely non-compliant, you know"

2011-05-22T08:49:00.000+02:00

I haven't written for ages, but have been busy with both my mother and my madness. And many other things.

Had to go to a meeting at the LRR (Luxury Retirement Resort) last week, my brother came along. We squash into a small office, my brother, the cheerful and sweet OT, the head of nursing and the sister who runs the Alzheimer's Unit, let's call her Sister B.

I think they wanted to tell us how much of a handful and a nightmare my mother is. "Mom is completely non-compliant". Sister B says. "Mom doesn't have Alzheimer's." Also they made it clear they don't want her in the Alzheimer's Unit. Not sure what they want to do with her? Put her in frail care? I can't figure out why they don't want her in the Alzheimer's Unit. Will she be too difficult to manage? More difficult than the others? Is it easier to have her sitting in her room quietly watching television on her large flat screen television set. They seem to have a programme of activities for the Alzheimer's patients and perhaps it would be too much trouble to 'make' my mother engage in the programme.

After the meeting we go to see her and to try and convey to her the issues that have been conveyed to us. Her small apartment looks awful, the beige/sand coloured fitted carpet is blackish fading to dark grey - she must drop ash all the way to her bed and then to the bathroom. She has a plastic mat in front of her LazyBoy chair, so under the mat, it is not quite as dark grey as the rest of the carpet.

The beautiful curtains are yellowy from the nicotine, and they have burn marks in them, here and there. Her sofa has dark ring marks on it, from Coke glasses put down.

She told us she doesn't want to have her hair cut. She doesn't like the hairdresser. She promised and repeated this a number of times that she showers everyday and washes her hair everyday. We all know this is not true, but if that is what she says, unless we put a webcam in her apartment how can we prove it to her. And then the thought of watching her on a webcam. Except she isn't rational really and even if we did prove to her that she doesn't shower enough, that wouldn't be proof enough.

The LRR meeting also wanted to tell us that she is abusive, shouts and swears at the carers and even hit one the other day. Sister B, says that it is her bi-polar that makes her like this. Later on she tells us that they are not a facility for the mentally ill. Where is this going? Will she have to be moved to Valkenburg? Except, I suspect the state facilities won't want her, as she has resources to pay her own way. When I tell her that unless she becomes more compliant and does not attack the carers, she might have to be moved to Valkenburg. "What am I mad?" she asks.

Then she changes tack, we had mentioned that Sister B says she doesn't take her meds properly. "Why do I have to take 8 different kinds of pills anyway?" She asks, a petulant note in her voice. She is sitting slumped in her LazyBoy, looking down at the floor, as though we her adult children are the school principal and she is there against her will. Sister B told us, "She hides her meds, pretends to take them. Then she throws them out of the window, down the lift shaft, we find them all over the place." How do they know that they are her meds I wonder. At the same time, I know they are hers.

It is impossible to argue with her, to persuade her. To make her admit what she does and does not do. To take responsibility. After all that is why she is there, living at the LRR, rather than on her own. "Please don't flush your panties down the loo." This is another complaint that the LRR has against her. She has done this and she blocked her toilet and they had to call in plumbers. "It was an accident," she says. She didn't do it on purpose, she claims. I try to picture how she could have accidently dropped a pair of panties in the loo. "Just rinse them out," I suggest and then pop them into your wash basket. "I do rinse them out and then hang them to dry in the shower."

I feel defeated, tired and yet comforted by my brother as we drive back to my home. My mother's parting shot to us was, thanks for coming, even though it wasn't very pleasant.

This was Monday, today is Sunday. All week I have felt a level of tiredness, of feeling irritable and overwhelmed. This is one of the hardest challenges of my life, managing my mother in this last stage of her life. Having to make decisions. Hearing from her carers how impossible she is.

I speak to my sister on the phone and by email. One of the issues that comes up as we back and forth is this "Is it partly to do with money that the LRR is wanting to alert us to our mother's behaviour and troublesomeness?" She was one of the first people to buy into the complex. Her monthly levy is set at approximately R3000 less than what you have to currently pay to live there. I would like to ask them if it would help if we paid more, but I also don't want to open that discussion. Where might it lead?

Non-smoking building throughout

2010-11-19T14:50:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I received a letter from the Luxury Retirement Resor where my mother lives, in which the management of said LRR lets me know that my mother can no longer smoke in her apartment. Apparently the LRR is now a non-smoking building throughout, and she is no longer allowed to smoke inside the building.

Huge sigh. Always something else to work out. Just sorted out the whole cigarette thing, Pick n Pay deliver once I have paid online for the cigarettes. The system was slightly rocky at first, but has stabilised nicely.

Here's the thing, we would not have bought an apartment for my mother at the LRR if we knew that at some time in the future, they were going to make the building a non-smoking building. I don't know how we are going to manage this. I phoned our attorney and he has suggested that I get mediation via an advocate who works in the same building as him. He cautioned against getting too heavy with the LRR and to rather try and find a way to sort things out by talking.

I agree with that. As someone who has never smoked, its so weird to be a smoking advocate, or a smoking rights advocate.

I feel sort of tired when I think of dealing with my mother and how to do it and what to do next. Sometimes it feels like a full-time job, managing her and her needs.

Just to list some of what I have done for her since I last wrote, I bought her some new sandals, she only wears those sort of beach shoes with a single broad strap across the foot. I saw them in her cupboard the other day. She has never worn them. The shoes she wears everyday are very grubby and are going to fall off her feet one of these days. Buying her shoes meant buying 3 pairs taking them for her try on, she choose one pair, and then I had to take the others back.

I've also bought her panties. I got a slightly frantic call, in fact 4 calls from her and one from the sister telling me she had no panties. I began to wonder what she had done with them. She has a history of throwing things away. A history of destructive behaviour. Breaking things too. I bought her 4 packs of fives, XL cotton briefs, I think they are called, from the Woolies in Pinelands. And I bought her a nightie, some t-shirts, a pair of cotton pyjama pants that you can wear with a t T-shirt. And I bought her a 'pretty' blue cotton blouse from Robelle, the ladies outfitters in Pinelands at Howard Centre. They cater for elderly ladies. Maybe one of these days I will start buying blouses there for myself. I am certainly a lady of a certain age. Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this point.

I had to draw down some money from her money which I invested for her in Standard Bank Unit Trusts, and I was pleased to see that her money has 'grown' quite a bit, in spite of having to draw down about R5K to R10K a year roughly to pay for extras, like clothes and medical bills that the medical aid doesn't cover.

Oh and I also had to deal with a short period where she wanted to smoke 90 cigarettes a day, so to have an extra pack of 30s a day over and above her 2 packs, ie 60 a day. Beats me how someone smokes that much. I got the psychiatrist to see her and ask her to smoke only 60 "doctor's orders" which she is able to cope with a bit better than my orders or orders from anyone at the LRR.

The way is opened

2010-07-28T16:28:00.000+02:00

I took her will to my mother today to get it signed. I also bought her shoes and cigarettes. I nearly lost it in Pick n Pay. Where I was told variously that they only had one carton of Rothmans 30s Kingsize and that they can only sell one carton per customer. The helpful assistant suggested that if I need to buy such large quantities of cigarettes I should consider getting them from the wholesaler. Yes please, I said. Tell me how to buy from the wholesaler. A more managerial chap appeared on the scene, was very polite and wanted to find a solution. We eventually decided that I could pay by internet transfer two days before I need the cigarettes for my mom. He will then deliver them to her at the LRR. Isn't that something - after months and months of trying to find a way of getting cigarettes to her, and the way is finally opened.

I got so cross before getting to the solution that I still feel weak armed, and shaky sort of, and exhausted. Not just from this though. I've bought a tonic rich in Vitamin B. Hope it helps.

My mom went to a podiatrist last week, and her feet look good, no scaly dry skin and callouses. Her toe nails are neat and her skin looks soft and tender. I felt proud. But also asking myself why did it take me so long to get her there? Now she has new shoes too.

Anyway it was very easy to get her to do her will, I got my attorney to draft it and she signed in front of two of the women at reception and now I have her signed will in my bag, must get it off to my attorney for safe-keeping tomorrow.

Now am cooking supper and an early night.

My mother is turning 69 on Friday

2010-07-12T12:45:00.000+02:00

Visited my mother yesterday, I got there just as they were finishing lunch. She sits at a table in the far corner with some other ladies, all of whom are at least 10 if not 20 years older than she is. I took her flowers (from the Woollies nearby) and cigarettes, I gave her a carton, my brother had organised that a mate of his who got them cheap from duty free. I went with her up to her apartment and put the flowers in a vase. Cut the stalks a bit and arranged them nicely. She likes having flowers. She was watching Jeremy Clarkson in Tokyo driving on the extraordinary freeways, racing two friends who were using public transport. Every now and then she would turn away from the TV and look at the flowers, and say "Pretty, aren't they?"

Eventually I broached the subject of her will. She was fine about it, and said that she had made a will with my father, along the same lines. I explained that it would make things administratively easier for all concerned (especially me, I was thinking) when the time came. She was very easy-going about it. Made me realise that sometimes I make mountains out of molehills. Or maybe she was just in a good space.Taking her meds.

She's had her hair cut recently and looked much better than she does when her hair is longer, wild and bushy, and makes her look like a crazy frump. She looked almost beautiful again. She still has good bone structure and very blue eyes. She has a bit of a cough, so when I left, I popped into the Nurse's station to alert them to how she sounds chesty.

It's her birthday on Friday and I'm planning to have my brothers and their families over for lunch on Sunday and have her too. It is much more fun when they are all here, more lively and she likes it too.

I asked her if she had been watching the soccer, she said no, she doesn't like soccer. Ah well I thought. As a passionate soccer convert, what can I say? I know what is like to be outside of the fold too. You don't know what you are missing, I thought.

Last Will and Testament

2010-07-05T16:11:00.000+02:00

I haven't written regularly for a long while. Today I finally got my attorney onto drawing up a will for my mother. A simple straightforward will that divides her estate equally among her children. I dread approaching her to get her to sign her will, as I imagine she will think I am suggesting I want her dead.

What I want is to have a simple process laid out for that eventuality. It was one of the hardest things to remember - but finally remembered on the weekend and wrote an email while I remembered and got a reply bright and early today.

I haven't seen my mother much lately either, I am still buying the cigarettes and Cokes, and groceries, processing her medical bills and other payments and keeping on top of her admin. My daughter is reluctant to see her and so is my husband. And as one is, there are always so many pressing things, which keep one busy. I heard that a good friend of mine, who is about 76 has Leukemia, haven't had a chance to visit him. He has been away in Princeton for 6 months and now that he is back, he is having treatment for Leukemia.

I'm sure he has a carefully made will and has had it done for the longest time, as a responsible adult would. My mother threatened not to have a will (she hasn't yet) and to leave her money to the SPCA, not that she has much. Her estate will not be vast, a few hundred thousand if that, and her few possessions that she has in her apartment at the Luxury Retirement Resort (LRR). She sorted out her things pretty much when she moved to the LRR, and that was a kind of preparing for letting go, an experience of passing things on, of making her life smaller and less cluttered. She gave all of her 4 children various things at that point.

The feeling I have in relation to my mother is sadness, depression, despair.

Needing a nap

2010-06-10T13:41:00.000+02:00

Soccer World Cup starting tomorrow, am very tired today, but feeling really excited. We don't have tickets to any games, but are planning to go to the Fan Park in town at the Grand Parade tomorrow. The World Cup seems to be bringing people together in all kinds of wonderful ways, and making us less insular and more able to reach out.

Been working very hard for ages, and on Monday week - I am taking a week off work, will go with my daughter to Grahamstown to stay with a friend. Really looking forward to that.

My mother has deteriorated since I last wrote, and the psychiatrist and nursing staff are pondering whether she needs to be moved to the Alzheimer's ward in the Luxury Retirement Centre - where she will get better care, and she won't be able to smoke in her room, has to go out onto a balcony to smoke. I wonder how that would be for her?

Between a rock and a hard place

2010-05-17T12:54:00.000+02:00

Been so busy the last two months, and pre-occupied with things other than my mother, that I haven't written. Tomorrow I will go and see her, and be there when she meets her new psychiatrist.

My current anxiety is money, which is an anxiety that comes and goes. Feeling the pressure from all sides. Trying to find a way to do what I am doing and what I feel is important to do, and to find the money to fund it and me.

Feel a little sorry for myself, but am trying not to do that and to rather be pro-active. It is sort of working and sort of not.

So it is not easy to write here from this slightly extreme and tight place.It is a frightening and private place. Don't know how to write about this or what to say really.

I also realised I have been through a slightly manic phase and have spent too much money in my work, and now am in a cash flow crunch. I didn't accurately plan and forecast how it would all work. So far I have been able to work quite intuitively, but then I moved into something deeper, crazier than intuition, perhaps hubris?

Non compliance.

2010-03-25T14:10:00.000+02:00

Just got a call from the sister at the LRR saying my mother needs to see her psychiatrist. She has become non-compliant re taking her meds. She hides them, flushes them down the loo, throws them down the lift shaft, and various other things. Unfortunately her good psychiatrist left the country for 18 months in about August last year. The guy I went to see at Milnerton Medi Clinic hasn't followed up. Damn. Last week her teeth. This week her madness. Again. Phoned my doctor who first put me in touch with the good pyschiatrist to find out if she can recommend a psychiatrist in the Milnerton area. Sigh.

My mother is like a difficult, bad child. I was telling my sister and brother on Sunday how she had cut off the sleeves and legs of her pyjamas with a pair of nail scissors. They were lovely pyjamas, cotton summer pyjamas. She can be so appallingly destructive. I got a call from her yesterday asking for toilet paper. Phoned C to ask her to provide. Her shopping arrived today. I did the Pick n Pay exercise on Tuesday evening.

But I discovered that they do have specialised Alzheimer's Care at the LRR. I just need to get my mother to agree to it. Which won't be easy.

My mother's teeth

2010-03-18T19:59:00.000+02:00

While driving my daughter and her classmate (our lift club) to school yesterday morning, I got a call from a sister at the place my Mom lives at. Apparently some of her teeth have fallen out. This seemed very odd. So a dentist's appointment was made and then today she went to the dentist. I had to fill in a 4 page form with my mother's details and give the dentist's assistant my credit card details. Today I get a call from the dentist himself. He was horrified at my mother's teeth. It appears she hasn't been brushing her teeth. And her mouth is full of plaque, caries, bacteria and various other oral horrors. He was cross with the LRR (Luxury Retirement Resort) as they are supposed to care for her and feels they are being negligent in their care. I feel I am also being negligent. I guess it is not enough to just have her in a so-called Luxury Retirement Resort, the High Care Centre. What exactly does High Care mean I wonder?

It is also the Coke. He is going to have to take some teeth out, and make a denture for her upper teeth. Oh dear. Awful. I feel guilty. Will have to make more of an effort somehow. Sometimes I feel I should take her out of the LRR and put her in more modest place where perhaps there is better care. Perhaps I should look into the places they have here in the Southern suburbs.

It appears as if they are negligent, but so is she. The dentist was appalled at her teeth and that she only drinks Coke. Not a good prognosis. But in many other ways she is healthy. I will see her on Sunday this week. Will have to see her. I wanted to go to the Kirstenbosch plant sale. But one big thing on a Sunday feels like enough.

I have arranged the picnic, which should be nice. Had to change the date as my sister's dates had changed. Must remember to remind all my sibs about the date too.

I also had to courier cigarettes over. Pick n Pay in Rondebosch didn't have any Rothmans 30s cartons. So I bought Peter Stuyvensant again, and some Rothmans 20s cartons and 10 loose packs of Rothmans 30s. I had to ask my friend to 'hold' the cigarettes and have the courier fetch them from there, as I had an all morning meeting on Wednesday. After the phone call from the dentist.

Where there's smoke

2010-03-11T08:04:00.000+02:00

Been so busy hardly had time to think about my mom, apart from doing the usual for her. Paying her bills, groceries, TV license, cigarettes. I got my husband to buy the ciggies and he bought the wrong brand, but there has been no complaint. He bought the Blue box of Peter Stuyvesants and my mother smokes Rothmans. But she isn't as brand compliant as all that. She smokes my husbands Marlboros or Camels if she runs out when she visits us. He does this weird thing, he buys the filter tip cigarettes and then breaks them off. I don't get it, nor do I try to. Cigarettes smoking is an arcane practice as far as I am concerned. If I see smoke or fire, I don't try to get closer and inhale. Am I missing something?

I planned to have my mother over on Sunday, but it was so hot here almost 40degrees. So after a swim at Milnerton, I didn't want to emerge from the house. Luckily I hadn't told her. I only ever let her know just before like an hour or two, because I know about my fluctuating energy levels. Maybe this weekend. Except it is the Argus Cycle Tour.

My sister is coming out from the States for a week, would be nice to do a family thing then go to Buitenverwachting for a picnic or something like that. It's a lovely place, haven't been there, but it's been recommended and the website makes it look fab. And I know what the surrounds are like. It would be nice for all of us (my mother and all her children and their spouses, and grandchildren to go, and would be the first time we have been together as a family for a long time.

No rest for the wicked...

2010-03-03T13:58:00.000+02:00

Oh damn, forgot to buy my mother cigarettes, this business with not being able to do online shopping is killing me. Will have to go out, and it is so unbearably hot. Oh well. No rest for the wicked. I must be the wicked. I was in Rondebosch at the Pick n Pay Centre where I could have easily bought cigarettes. My brain was somewhat addled. Too many things on my To Do List today.

I sometimes wish I had a person I could summons when I needed things done and could say - look here you are, off you go - buy 7 cartons of Rothmans thirties, the blue pack and then take them over to Century City, would you? There's a dear.

Romance and the Middle Aged Woman

2010-03-02T11:22:00.001+02:00

Life so busy at present, hardly have time to blog. Last night dreamt about an old lover, my first real love. So long ago now, and yet he remains a firm favourite of my dreaming life. Last night I went to see "A Single Man" - very nostalgic, atmospheric, romantic movie about love, loss, memories. And more. Of course - Colin Firth is adorable in the movie. I love it when he really smiles. It's a sort of shy, dimpled full soulful smile. The movie obviously triggered my dreamer into remembering my first love, and in the dream we were at university - he had left me the way he did in real life, and was with the woman he is now married to and has been for 20 years. They have two small children. In the dream, he kept Saturday afternoons for me, and we would have these sort of dates. We would hang out, go for walks, cuddle, sleep together, and all the while it made me feel awful, because it was so limited and he wasn't 'mine' really. And so on. Self torture. It rained a lot in the dream. We had these walks in the rain, or cowered indoors, or went up to my res room and lay about and touched each other.

Now onto my day time torture, well not really, but did my Mum's shopping on Sunday after a lovely day out with old friends and my family. Lunch at Jonkershuis under the old trees, drinking delicious wine and laughing and feeling happy. It's as good as it gets. My mum called me in the morning to say she had run out of Cokes, I knew. I was supposed to have ordered them, but hadn't yet. So I quickly did on Sunday evening as well as her other stuff, the toilet paper and toothpaste. Still have to do the ciggies....

I had this insight, very sad one, although it didn't pierce my heart as much as the movie or my dreams did/do - I realised my Mum is much more connected to her ciggies and Coke than she is to me, her own needs and addictions come first in her life, absolutely and totally. Now it is even more extreme, I am the conduit for these, the buzzer that her inner hamster must press. Nothing romantic or redeeming about that. Except that it is real and it is seeing without illusions. Sigh.

being inside and outside at the same time

2010-02-22T12:04:00.000+02:00

Dreamt I was the mother of a baby, but I was also my own mother and the baby, and an observer. Seeing it all happening. Experiencing it from the inside and from all of those viewpoints.

The baby wasn't a baby, even though she was new born, she was about 1 or so, and could walk and read. She liked to be held and to breast feed. She would feed quickly and greedily and then stop and get on with the next thing. She had shoulder length dark hair and was pretty and bright and delightful. The books she liked to read were ancient manuscripts. The dream didn't have a story, more like a scene or an extended image.

Feel better today. We still haven't resolved the cat issue, but we did manage to speak civilly to each other, my husband and I.

I felt sort of crazy yesterday. Sad and overwhelmed and collapsed and freaked out.

But am feeling better today. It's weird how my own madness comes and rises up inside me or washes over me and almost drowns me.

dreaming of snakes

2010-02-20T11:33:00.000+02:00

February has been a busy month, but the year doesn't feel set to slow down at all.

Last night had a powerful dream, dreamt I was putting my daughter to bed, not here at home, but in a holiday bungalow type place. The room was darkish, night time, but not absolutely dark, she was in bed under a duvet. The bed wasn't right up against the wall or window and as I was about to sit down on the bed, I saw a snake slither into the room, across the wooden floor, a big snake, red with black mixed in and a yellow face, a frightening snake. I called my husband and he came in and reached down at picked the snake up, he held it in such a way that it couldn't bite him. He had to grapple with it a bit first. I was rooted to the spot, immobilised in that way that happens in dreams. While he was trying to pick the snake up, I was full of fear, part of me wanted the snake to bite him and kill him and the other part was afraid that it would. He managed to dispose of the snake, took it out of the room and put it outside, far away. I woke up my heart pounding.

In waking life I am angry with him because he is making it hard (that is a euphemism) for me to give my daughter a kitten. I really want her to have a cat, and I think she would enjoy one. As an only child, I think she needs a way of having something like a cat, that allows her to be outside of the tightness of our tiny nuclear family. As though she and the cat can have another sort of relationship. The kind of cat I was thinking of getting an Abyssinian kitten cross breed. An old friend of mine has Abyssinian kittens that will be ready in a few weeks.

Sometimes marriage feels like the hardest possible way to live. Is it just me or is marriage hard? Let me rephrase that, almost impossible.

Anniversaries

2010-02-11T12:10:00.000+02:00

Do I have yuppie flu or M E? I keep losing my energy. Felt OK yesterday and then crashed at lunch, sweaty, achey, lay down, slept for 2 hours that felt like 15 minutes. Had to get up to fetch my daughter from ballet etc. Went to sleep at 8, crashed and slept till 6 and was woken by my alarm.

I have been busy and doing public things, and and and, but... so hard not to feel OK. Felt fine this morning, but now, its nearly noon, can feel the unwellness and tiredness start to come on again. Oh dear.

It is the 10th anniversary of my father's death in March. Feel sad and miss him today. Most people are thinking about the 20th anniversary of Madiba's release from prison, but I can't help thinking about my Dad today. I wonder whether my mother remembers it is his birthday. She will be watching TV and there is probably a lot of stuff that is related to Madiba and the anniversary, so the date will be mentioned and she will surely remember that. I don't feel up to phoning her though. Requires more stamina than I have at present. I think. Maybe I could just give her a call, and it would be easy?

My Gran's birthday was the 11th September or 9/11 as it is called. Strange to have 2 family members who had birthdays on dates that are so loaded with history and meaning.

Taking my daughter to the doctor today, the little warts on her neck are proliferating, she has 7 now. She seems to be taking it in her stride, but they are unsightly and it worries me that they aren't going away.

Same water, different bridges

2010-02-07T14:23:00.000+02:00

Got the blackberry. Er Blackberry. And I'm figuring it out and enjoying it, become much more adept and using techie stuff than I used to be, when I got my first cellphone about 10 years ago. I wasn't an early adopter of cell phones. Just goes to show, it doesn't have to be an age thing.

Took my mom the ciggies on Thursday. Just dropped them off, didn't want to stay, had things to do, good meeting with my accountant. Feel optomistic about my prospects.

Saw my brother for the first time in a long while. He popped in. He said he can't visit our mom at the Luxury Retirement Resort, too depressing. He's pissed off with her cos she just smokes, drinks Coke and watches TV. I didn't know what to say. It depresses me too, but I don't feel able to ditch her. Nice to see my brother, there is so much water under the bridge, some of the same water, maybe different bridges.

My husband bought a lot of berries today, I'm going to make a berry crumble for dessert for supper tonight. My daughter has gone to a party this afternoon. It's been a quiet, very Sundayish day, that slight cabin fever feeling. Not exactly, but doffish, could have a nap even though I slept last night for a long time.Catching up on stuff, reading, replying. Making times. The schedule for next week.

One of those days

2010-02-03T23:30:00.000+02:00

One of those days, no electricity at home, sub-station being fixed. Lost my keys before taking the girls to school. So took spares, but they don't have housekeys attached. So couldn't get in at home. Took my daughter to the dentist, she has to go once a month for a while, needs to have her teeth monitored, she isn't developing her enamel the way she should. Teeth very vulnerable to plaque and bacterial deterioration because of all the anti biotics she had as a small prem baby. Her dentist is wonderful, our dentist and she really likes my daughter and is interested in her and kind to her.

My day was one of rushing and not really being centred. And had a little row with my husband before bed. He was feeling down today about money and the future and long term prospects of earning a living. Tough for us that we are both self-employed and the bit we do for others is sort of free-lance, so it requires a certain determination and positive thinking - not always easy. We often have rows when one of us is in a funk. We seem to find it hard to be there for the other when we are needed.

A bright spot in my day, went to check out new phones, and have decided to get a Blackberry, my husband's phone is due for an upgrade now while mine is only in October. I lost my good phone into the leiwater at Nieu Bethesda a couple of months after getting it. I want a phone I can use for email and facebook and twitter and taking pix etc. Am I shallow? Well maybe just a bit.

Tomorrow will drop off my mom's ciggies when I go to my accountant in Montagu Gardens.

a glass of champagne anyone?

2010-02-02T18:42:00.000+02:00

Bought my mom's cigarettes today. R2000 worth of them at a Pick n Pay in Plumstead between a meeting in Muizenberg and seeing my analyst. They didn't have enough of the 30s cartons, so I bought some 20s too. I will get my courier to deliver them to my mother tomorrow. I felt as though I was doing good today, not going out specially to buy ciggies for my mom, but buying them while I was already out there in the world doing my thing.

Tonight my husband had himself down for cooking supper, but he decided not to, so my daughter had bread and honey and yoghurt. She still has the sore gum from a molar coming through, so she only wants soft food. I still have to fix something for myself. I think I will have a glass of champagne that I was given for my birthday. I opened it yesterday, a really nice 2006 Constantia Uitsig bottle. If you put a silver teaspoon into the bottle it keeps it bubbly. Did you know that? Nice to have champagne for no real reason sometimes. I can't drink a whole bottle in one night or even two by myself. Well I guess I could if I really tried, but I dont' want to.

I like evenings that aren't incredibly rule and routine bound. I love to have the routine broken a bit. Tonight is one of those nights.

Today was a beautiful February day, hot clear and just gorgeous here in Cape Town. Feel so much better than I did on the weekend. Gonna try to hear my analyst's voice - be kind to myself, trust myself more, be less harsh and cruel and critical.

Guardian angels

2010-02-01T11:22:00.000+02:00

Just ordered my mother's Cokes online from Pick n Pay, as well as the You mag, and various other small items. Comes to over R1000. Can't believe how much money my mother 'wastes'. As I write that I think just because she makes choices that I wouldn't make - does it mean she is wasteful? I hear how judgemental I am. What do I waste money on? Hmmm, let me think, not so easy to see my little wastefulnesses. None of them are as big as my mother's I suppose. Yesterday I bought ice-cream and ate ice-cream for supper. I don't normally do things like that, but as I felt crap, it felt like a kind thing to do, let myself have something cold, soft and sweet for supper. My daughter had a sore tooth, a molar is coming through, she also had an odd supper, yoghurt and honey and bacon. In two courses. The bacon separately.

I went to Walk for Life today, and feel much better for walking the 5kms. Walked with two women I have become friendly with - I feel safe walking with them. One of my walking friends is very aware of cars and safety and feels like a guardian angel of sorts. She walks about 200 kms a month, enormously inspiring. Still I am pleased with myself for going today, especially as I felt really wonky and out of sorts all weekend.