My Muse.....It Speaks.

lost

2008-12-07T00:51:00.001-06:00

who am i anyways?

is this how i was meant to be?

how i was meant to feel?

am i to go on the rest of my life hurting everyone i meet?

i hope not, i really hope people can see what i sometimes see in myself, although i only see it fleetingly, its there sometimes.

is my happiness really in the bottom of a prescription bottle of lexapro?

i think not, i hope not, else that is where it will remain, for i do not intend to go there looking for it.

is it at the edge of another exacto blade?

who knows? again, i do not intend to go there again either.

all i know is that things have to change, I have to change, i refuse to drag anyone into or through the hell of my mind.

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

2008-11-30T23:55:00.002-06:00

hehehe, i was at work last night minding my own business and being freaked out because evidently, my boss spent approximately 2 hours watching me on the camera from his office...normally it doesn't bother me because i do what im supposed to do, but last night every time i did something, he called down to ask me something about it.
for instance, i checked 4 guys in, due to the price of the rooms, they decide to split one room with 2 queen beds in it, comes to 20 bucks per person for the night...not too bad. anyways, i asked if they would be needing more towels to which they replied 'yes please' so i went and got 4 more towels, 2 handtowels, and 2 washcloths. finished checking them in and wished them a good night. they were parked right in front of the door and went out to move the truck and get their bags. one of the guys had picked up the stack of towels and being half-smart about it, instead of going down to the room, then back out for his bags...he went out to the truck to grab his bags....same as i would have done except that im a bit lazier and would have left the towels where they were and picked them up on my way back thru....
well before i could get the notebook to make a note of the extra towels and for what room...the phone rings....
'front desk, this is tracy.'
'hey, its mark.'
'hi mark, whats up?'
'you know you have to sign out extra linens, right?'
'yes, mark, i do, i was just going for the notebook.'
'well, where do you think they are going with the towels?'
(i couldnt help but laugh on the phone)
what i thought was:
'ooooh, they are running off with your 4 towels, 2 handtowels, and 2 washcloths...because 80$ is SUCH a good price for that amount of towels these days'
what i said was :
'getting their bags and parking the truck.'

.
.
.
later on im sitting there trying to keep myself awake, a red car pulls up and a middle age guy with all white hair gets out and comes around to the passenger side and opens the back door to let a little old lady out.
they come in...
guy: 'we need 2 double rooms for the night.'
me: 'i can help you out with that, thats all i have left are queen doubles'
the guy looks at what im assuming is his mom and says:
guy: 'i guess we will just have to settle for doubles then huh?'
me: 'giggle'
guy: 'how much are the rooms?'
me: 'well if you have AAA or AARP i can give a discount'
guy: 'oh im not old enough for that AARP thing'
mom: 'i have my AARP card'
guy: 'wow you MUST be old then!'
mom: 'they gave it to me for my birthday just last year'
me: (trying not to laugh) 'they give those at 29 now, right?'
mom: (laughs)
i get the all checked in and they go out to gather everyone from the car and go park around the side.
walking back in...everyone of them all have white hair except one...
guy: 'look! they crackle when you wake em up!'

i couldnt help but laugh at that one...its one like what ive used on my dad when discussing what life was like before tv and dodging the dinosaurs...

Little too late for Halloween!

2008-11-24T05:13:00.001-06:00

well its a bit late in the year for ghost hunting, but thats what i got to do at work last night, lol.

we were pretty full at work last night, we have a bunch of church people that book the entire hotel every so often...nice quiet church people...*cough*

1:30 am....
room 204 calls: 'hi sorry to be calling but we are getting a lot of noise from room 206, they are banging on the walls'

me: 'no worrys, ill call up there and take care of it for you'....i let the phone in room 206 ring and ring, no answer...
knowing there was trouble between the 2 rooms the night before (206 had complained on 204) i thought maybe they were just being vengeful...you know, church and The Wrath of God and all that...so i just let it go, trying to keep the 15 or so giggle-girl teens from running in the halls. meanwhile i had checked the computer and both rooms 202 and 206 had already checked out

1:45 am
mr 204 comes down the stairs to complain to me in person...

mr 204: 'im sorry to keep bothering you, but they are still banging on the walls and making lots of noise from room 206...'

me: 'theres no one in room 206, or room 202 on the other side of you for that matter, is it possible that you are hearing the girls from directly below you?'

mr 204: 'no its banging on the wall, the picture in our room is even crooked now on that side of the room.'

me: 'well they checked out early this morning, give me a minute to make a room key and ill come up there and make sure the door wasnt left open and the giggle girls arent messing with you...'

i make a key for that room and up the stairs i go...
where im greeted by a group of guys that are maybe from 13-18 years old....
they were adamant that there was banging going on and that they were doing nothing wrong, just having 'quiet time' reading their bibles....

i knocked on the door...one of the guys says 'did you hear that? they knocked back!'

(i know im getting older, but i didnt hear a damn thing)
knocked again....
still nothing.

slid the keycard in the lock and i hear a whisper from the back of the group...'im gonna so freak out if theres no one in there...'

i whipped open the door and i swear every one of those guys jumped back when i flipped on the lights and ....

NOTHING!

oooOOOOoooooOOOO, heheheh
the older kid in front who is probably twice as big as me says....they are hiding in the shower....i walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light and pulled the shower curtain back and.....

NOTHING!

by this time im trying to laugh WITH the kids and not AT them...i dont think i did a good job of it when one of the kids asked if the hotel was haunted, i told them it had only been there for like 6 months now and no one has died there....at least not that i KNOW of....
i closed the door and another kid in the group asked what was there before the hotel was built, when i told them it was a cornfield, they asked if there were slaves that worked it a long time ago....hell if i know, lmao
i told em all to go to bed, they were up too late, one said 'well...we were studying and praying, maybe it was The Spirit, i told him to tell The Spirit to keep quiet too, people trying to sleep, hehehhehe.

a friend of mine that i related this to a couple hours later said i should have told em the hotel was built on an old indian burial ground....i bet that would have made at least one of em pee.

You want me to what?

2008-11-15T00:53:00.001-06:00

ok, i love my new job, i really do, but the manager has informed me that the owner (who is super conservative) has spotted my tat...on the security camera i guess and wants me to keep it covered.

i had it when i was hired.
ok, granted, i had on a long sleeve shirt that day, not to cover it up, but because it was cold out. but it was never mentioned that any ink would have to be covered up.

one one hand i dont mind, after all, its their hotel and their business to run as they see fit...
but on the other hand, i DO mind.
very much so.
1- its my tat.
2- its my skin
3- its part of who i am.
4- it means something to me.
5- it is not offensive, there are no naked body parts or profanity on/in it.
6- it is not big or gaudy, about 2.5x2.5 inches (theres a pic in my photos)
7- i work 11pm to 7am and rarely see any of the public anyways
and...
8-its in a place thats difficult to cover up, lol.

i have a uniform shirt to wear at work...its short sleeved....im assuming they want me to wear it because they handed it to me and said 'wear this'

now i am supposed to keep my forearm covered up? i tried wearing a long sleeve shirt under the top they gave me and about baked myself to death, i kept that on for about 3 hours while i had the a/c cranked then couldnt stand it anymore.
i thought about getting a big bandaid to stick over it, except that would be most temporary as im allergic to the glue on most bandaids and surgical tapes and would fall off, taking my skin with it after a day or two.
i thought about throwing an ace bandage around it, but that, like the bandaid, would probably draw more attention than the tat, lol.

after that, im out of ideas.

job and weight updates

2008-11-08T05:30:00.001-06:00

im loving it!
after 7 years in a call center, working for dell, motorola, gateway, and tmobile...i'm working front desk at a brand new hotel...third shift, 11pm to 7am, and LOVING IT!!! not a soul to talk to except for maybe, maybe a late check-in or two...clean up a few things, mop the floor, and listen to my music on my phone all night long.
going outside for smoke breaks isn't bad except it gets REALLY cold at about 4am!
it does give me lots of quiet time to think too, and things in my head are doing ok

im still losing weight, lost 4 more pounds from about the time i had my surgery and now with being up and moving around, im actually feeling muscles that i forgot i had. mostly feel em cause they hurt, but even that's getting better like i knew it would, actually i thought i would feel worse than i do for longer than i did after sitting on my butt in a call center for so long.
i still have quite a bit of weight that i want to lose but i'm not gonna rush it, i didn't put it on overnight, its not gonna come off overnight either.
i'm thinking that as a reward for losing 21 more pounds (which will bring me to an even 50), i'm gonna get my belly button pierced like i always wanted.

all for now, gotta get ready for work

my body, my mind, my life!

2008-11-05T21:48:00.001-06:00

OMFG!!!!! i am almost 37 years old, not 3 years old! i dont understand why people think they need to be telling me how to run my body and my mind!
i started my new job almost 2 weeks ago and am working 3rd shift from 11 at night until 7 in the mornings, i love it, i love the job, i love the change of pace from working in the damn call center for 7 years,i KNOW it takes time for my body to adjust to the change in sleep schedule, i KNOW it is gonna take my back with its bulging discs and arthritis and my hips and knees with arthritis time to adjust to not sitting on my ASS in a chair at work!!!!

i worked until 7am this morning and after i got home got into my jammies, brushed my teeth and went to bed, snuggled under the heating blanket and fell asleep rather quickly. i slept for a few hours and got up, puttered around on the internet for a bit and went back to bed...i get a phone call about an hour after i go back to sleep and its my mom asking if i got the job interview....???HUH???...uh yea, ive been working for about 2 weeks...she said the last voicemail she got from me was something about not getting my interview and that it would be the next day, i told her that voicemail was about two weeks old, that i had been working, (which i know she knew), somehow or another the conversation moved on to whether i am taking vitamins or not....i told her yes, i take a one-a-day, she said i should try centrum instead.
i tried to make light of it and told her those were old people vitamins and the one a days were working fine for me, she said that the centrum might work better so i wasnt so tired all the time, i told her that she had woken me up and that i had worked until 7am....
now SHE is upset at ME!!!

i dont get it, ive been losing weight, lost another 4 pounds as a matter of fact, i only eat when i am hungry, take vitamins, do my yoga, havent been on my antidepressants in awhile because ive been feeling fine.
i KNOW when i need to take my antidepressants, i KNOW when i need to eat, and i KNOW when i need sleep.

if you are concerned about my health thats fine and good and thank you very much, but please, please, please dont tell me what YOU think i should and should not be doing, this includes asking me to do something i KNOW is not possible, no, i can NOT stay awake for 3 days averaging 3 hours of sleep a day and manage to get everything done and think straight and be a frickin happy-go-lucky person! it just aint gonna happen!
why should you expect me to not be in pain until my body gets used to the change, i dont expect it of me, why should you???

i know what i can handle and what i cant so instead of telling me what the hell i SHOULD and SHOULDNT be doing, make your suggestion and MOVE ON because
it AINT worth it to PISS ME OFF!!!

Old Grammy Lady!

2008-10-21T04:02:00.001-05:00

ok, its official...im going to be a grammy....either a grammy or an old biddy, lol
i told peeps at work that i could live with the name 'biddy' as long as it didnt have old in front of it!

amie and patrick are pregnant, should be due sometime at the end of may or early june.

poor amie is having morning sickness, she called me yesterday crying and sounded so pitiful...poor girl. and i know you read my blogs amie so eat those crackers!!!!

i know on a previous blog i somewhat touched on the fact that my pg days were now gone and wondered a bit what it meant for me...well this is it!!!!
im happy and scared and excited and, and, and...i dunno!

Stupid Girl

2008-10-04T19:24:00.001-05:00

Definitions of female on the Web:
* a person who belongs to the sex that can have babies
what does this mean for me? hell if i know, lol
all i know is that my baby-havin days are now past and i must pull myself out of that cave-woman mindset that if i cant have any more then im not worth much to the clan and can do no more to help out the exploding human population....how, oh, how will we ever dominate the planet without my help????

i should be getting ready to go to work....something i REALLY dont want to do, what i WANT to be doing in sitting in bed reading...or sitting in a hot bubble bath meditating...or...or...anything except going to work really. im so burned out with my job, have been for a few years really, i want to do something else, anything, something that makes a difference other than the next teenage twit that calls in when she is having problems sending a text message, or some perv that cant receive his naked pictures on his phone or surf porn, or whatever is so friggin important that keeps ME from doing what i really would rather be doing!

after all, this is my blog and its all about me in here right?
so, with that being said....im going to go get my stupid self ready to get in my stupid car and go to my stupid job and sit there on the stupid phone for the next 10 hours that will feel more like 10 days.
where are the aliens when i need abducting?????

I'm home.

2008-09-22T23:45:00.003-05:00

ok, im home, been home for awhile but sleeping.

the nurses were great at the hospital as was my doctor, i actually had 3 nurses, one RN and 2 student nurses. one of the students started my iv...well tried to, jeremy let them know beforehand that im a hard stick, im not afraid of needles but my veins have a mind of their own and move when they get poked.
she did a good job tho, ive had worse sticks from seasoned phlebotomists. and of course as she was finishing setting the needle my vein decided that since there was one hole, two would be better. :/
the RN told her to pull it out and the student apologized up one side and down the other, i told her honestly it wasnt her fault and she actually did a good job.
the RN ended up starting my iv higher up on my arm, unusual spot for me but surprisingly, it hurt less.

they took me thru the ice cold hallway to the OR and gave me all the usual warnings about 'you might not wake up...ever' and i signed all the paperwork saying so...she said they were also gonna do a breathing tube...which i hate then asked if i had any questions and i told her i was just kinda nervous and she brought me a shot to fix that right up.

comfortably numb and stoned out of my mind they took me into the OR.
my doctor was great, he came in while they were strapping me down and hooking me up to all their machines and sat there and rubbed my hand and arm and told me everything would be fine.

i was in surgery for a little over an hour i think, as soon as they woke me up in the recovery room i started crying...thats normal for me coming out of anesthesia ...i told the nurse i was hurting and they gave me a big old shot of demerol which promptly made my stomach lurch and knot up, thankfully nothing came up.

after we got home jeremy sent me to the couch and gave me strict orders not to move...which i followed til i decided i NEEDED to go outside and smoke....then decided that it was irritating my stomach...or my throat...which one it irritated doesnt really matter, the result was the same :(

i slept on the couch for a couple hours and have taken a lortab cause the shot has worn off...trying to get supper down my sore throat.

on a side note...i was reading my paperwork and i dont think the doctor was completely honest with me before i had this done...it says no nooky for 6 weeks...SIX! i might not have had this done if i knew that beforehand -.-
altho i guess it might not be too bad, it'll give jeremys back time to heal from his surgery, lol
i just cant imagine the amount of crabbyness we will both be in in 6 weeks, hehehe, im guessing that the Phillips' household will not be the most quiet and pleasant of places to visit in a couple weeks!

surgery update

2008-09-19T20:42:00.001-05:00

jeremy is doing fine after surgery....he was scheduled for surgery at 10am, so like good lil patients we got there at like 830. well something went wrong with the first surgery that day so everyone was pushed back, they didnt come for him until almost 2 yesterday afternoon.

they said that he would be in there for about an hour before the doctor even came in to start, but it should only be about 3 hours. well, he was gone for about 4 before they called and said he was on his way to the recovery room. the doctor came in to talk to me before he was even out of recovery.
he said everything went well just took longer than expected because both discs were badly ruptured and he had to work on both sides of his spine and he also pushed the sciatic nerve over.
he also said that he has to do a lot of walking to keep the muscles in his back from stiffening up and it will also help relieve some of the post surgical pain.

they called before they brought him back from recovery to say they were on the way and when he got to the room it was soooo great seeing him without what has become his usual grimace of pain. he said his leg and back were sore but he didnt have the pain that he had been having.

he asked the nurse when he could leave and she said he had to be able to go pee and get up and walk...now i wont say that he was out of bed like a shot, and i know how much it hurts to get up after surgery but he was all for it.
i will spare you the grisly details of the screeching coming from the bathroom when he went to go pee. evidently a catheter is worse for a guy than a girl...or im just too lazy to get up to go pee cause they never bothered me that much...heheh.
he had a few spikes in blood pressure and dizziness he did several laps around the nurses station, and about 14 hours after leaving the house that morning, we were home!

went out today to walmart and he wasnt sure about walking that much, i offered to get him a zippy cart and he declined, i then offered to push him around in a wheelchair which he also declined...i dunno why, lol.

now since i really really really need a nap because we were up about every hour last night, and im a bit irritable, ive given him a couple pain pills and im gonna go in there and see if i can pry the bandage from yesterday off his skin and put a fresh one on.
(when did they start using glue on bandages that actually seem to meld with your skin???

*gets that kathy bates look from misery*
i am his biggest fan you know....

She Said Yes

2008-09-16T00:12:00.001-05:00

after we got home today amie and patrick were here picking up more of amies stuff....amie said 'we have something to tell you' ....

patrick asked amie to marry him and she said yes!

im so happy for the both of them, and altho patrick is taking my lil girl...i am glad to welcome him into the family...

patrick...dont say i didnt warn ya

jeremy is having surgery

2008-09-15T23:27:00.001-05:00

went to the neurosurgeon today and it turns out jeremy is a bit worse off than we thought...first of all he is missing a vertebrae... he is missing L5, the doc said actually that means nothing physically for j, just that they stop numbering them at L4 and then start at S1....now for the fun part. he not only has 1 bulging disc...but two and they both have ruptured...they are between L3 and 4 / L4 and S1. he is also losing strength in his left foot.

we have surgery scheduled for thursday, we will have to bring the baby with us because theres no one around to watch her, he should be discharged same day, if not i will have to bring enough baby stuff for an overnight stay at the hospital.

we had a couple different options...the one we went for is a disc-ectomy (i think) where they just go in, one little incision and work thru a tube, the ruptured parts will be cut off and the area around his sciatic nerve will be cleaned up. if theres any need to work on the remaining part of the discs he will do it at that time.

we opted for that instead of fusion for now. theres a 6% chance that it will rupture again and he should be able to get the strength back in his foot and not lose any mobility in his back, and its less invasive than the fusion...
4-6 weeks he should be back at work.

peace, love, and throwing out the trash

2008-09-10T03:10:00.002-05:00

been sittin here clicking away on the internet for a couple days now...hard to believe that i literally have the entire virtual world at my fingertips and still manage to be bored...so i figured i would clean out the poor noggin cause its gettin full in there again.

im missing the little things in life that i used to enjoy so much...i sat in a quiet spot by myself and watched the sun go down at work a few nights ago and it was so quiet and peaceful and i enjoyed every second of it.
there just isnt much time or maybe i dont have as much 'want to' for things like that lately.
its not that i dont enjoy it or that i dont miss it...because i do...its just that with all my recent highs and lows lately its just like 'whats the point? it will be there tomorrow'
i know for a fact that the only time that is promised to us is THIS moment...there may not be a next.
i try to enjoy the things and the moments that i can but that evil little bastard in my head is always trying to keep me lookin back.
there are so many things from my past that i miss, my dad, my grandparents, christmas when i was little, the snow...the list goes on and on.
all 'weather' i know, things i cant control and it frustrates the hell out of me.

i cant wait to go up to illinois in november and see my boys and my sisters and brother and the new baby and my nephews and neices and all the rest of my family. i really hope it snows again while im there. ive been in alabama since 2001 and really kinda homesick. i miss hearing the owls outside at night and actually having 4 seasons instead of hot or cold.

work is crappy, as usual.
i was looking for a different job but with the limits on my back, there just isnt much i can do and none of those places are hiring or wont pay enough, its not really that my current job is crappy, its actually pretty easy...im just burned out and trying to figure out what incentive there is for me to stay there. i dont use the insurance other than the vision and dental, i wont get any more pay raises...ever...im topped out on pay. the only bonus as far as i can see is that its a pretty easy job and they know me and my weird self and all my issues there.

ive recently added lots of people onto my myspace initially for the purpose of growing my mobsters count, lol , but have been sorta perusing page after page and blog after blog. it definately takes all kinds to make the world go round, and evidentally takes all kinds to make the internet go round too, heheh
i guess im kinda liking the little bit of voyeurism and peeking into peoples lives a bit. its good to know there are real people out there, and im sure ive added a few fake ones onto my friends list as well...but k sirrah sirrah or what the hell ever makes ya happy!

working on it

2008-08-24T20:33:00.001-05:00

im back to working on me again...

its soooo easy to wallow in my feelings and soooo hard to pull out of it, but im working on it.
for a few years now since dad died, i feel like i have lost a part of myself and don't know who i am anymore without him here.
but im finding out....slowly...to be sure, but maybe one day i will get there.

again, as i said in a previous blog, if i have been snippy, made you feel ignored, or hurt you in any way, i apologize.

i am still super tired alot of the time but i know its coming from the depression and am fighting it all i can. funny thing is that when i do lay down at night and try to go to sleep, i cant fall asleep and the nightmares are coming back.
i know that in order to get 'restful' sleep, dreams are a must....but i hate sometimes that i am such a detailed and vivid dreamer...cause it aint so restful when i wake up scared to death and shaking or crying from my nightmares.

update on the 'outside me' i have lost one more pound, bringing my total up to 21 in about as many weeks...i know i still have a ways to go, but im so happy that i can see results now...
i even tried on a couple of tops at the store that weren't baggy-cover-it-all-up tops and stared at myself in the full length mirror in the fitting room surprised that i actually have a shape closer to
) ( rather than ( )

its been forever since i saw any shape to myself other than round!
now my big worry is the girlies....i just dont want them hangin down to muh knees when its all said and done.

i have added a daily vitamin to my daily lexapro because i was also having lots of charlie-horses in my legs at night that also would keep me up or wake me up...im still eating at least once a day and try for twice a day but sometimes it just doesn't work. the leg pains got better a couple days after i started the vitamins so i figure that next ill have to start eating something a bit healthier when i do eat. (usually its just a can of soup and crackers, or the all famous ramen noodles, lol)

well all for now unless i get bored later on and blabber some more to ya!

much love and hugzez,
t

not sure whats going on

2008-08-08T09:21:00.001-05:00

i was doing so well, now im not.

i started back on my lexapro last monday because its been that bad.

its not that im not happy with my life because i am.

its not that anyone has done anything wrong because they havent.

its because theres something wrong with the way my brain works, ill be cruising along doing fine and then every little, bitty, insignificant thing thats wrong hits me all at once like a truck.

feeling overwhelmed by all the normal everyday stuff, work, housework, feeding the dog and cat, stuff that doesnt usually bother me seems like its a mountain to accomplish and it makes it worse when i cant get it all done.

just easier to sleep than to deal with myself when i get this way, it makes me so tired.

to anyone that i have hurt, offended, snapped at, or made you feel ignored, im sorry. its not you, its me.

my family and friends, i love you and need you all so much, please just give me a little time to work it out and please try to understand me when i cant understand myself.

14 down

2008-07-21T19:41:00.002-05:00

im so proud of me...

ive lost 14 pounds! and dropped one size in my jeans so far!

im telling everyone, lol, ive even told peeps at work that i dont know!

i feel better, i feel like i look better too, and my doctor is happy with the drop in my cholesterol...

im so happy with me!

you n me...we don't see the same thing

2008-07-07T22:23:00.001-05:00

(Disclaimer: I'm a little sleepy and the brain is working overtime tonight...)

Confidence…some days I have it, some days I don't.
Something that others seem to have naturally…I had to work on it for years and years and years.
Some days I feel like I use it, like a wall to keep others from seeing what I see of myself on the inside…I could go on for hours about what my mind tells me I really am. That little dark place in there… does everyone have that little place in the back of their brain? I wonder.

So easy to see in everyone else, so hard to grasp it and keep it for me. I found out that even when I do have it, it is very hard to keep ahold of.
It gets chipped away from both sides…from people that maybe DO see what is inside my mind and agree with it, and from the inside…for what I see in myself.
I think that's the worst of it, always wondering, always questioning, always afraid of embarrassing myself.

Not good enough,
Not smart enough,
Too plain-jane looking,
The list could go on and on…

The ability to appreciate other people, now that's something that I have a LOT of!
I love watching people…
I love seeing self-confidence, pride, strength, humor, good looks, and good attitude.
I love it when people are moody for no apparent reason other than it being a cloudy day because I know that after the rain comes and is gone it will be sunny again.

One thing I don't do is lie, if I give an opinion; it is because that is exactly what I see.
I'm not talking about the little white lies like I have to tell at work, like 'yes I work for this company', when I'm actually an outsourcer.

Or the nice big fat lies I tell when I am feeling sassy or goofy or just plain overtired like 'I was late for work today because my dog was abducted by little green men in a big silver spaceship and they taught him how to talk and he told me exactly what he thought of that brand of dog food I bought him last week!'

I like watching people, it takes all different kinds to make the world go 'round…wouldn't it be so boring if we were all exactly the same?

Sometimes I just wish I could see in myself what I see in other people. Everyone has something.
As for me…well I'm just me, and I guess I'll just have to do.

stacking trash is NOT an art form!

2008-07-06T14:40:00.002-05:00

i actually came up with the title for this blog in a very non-metaphorical way...
it seems my husband and daughter have literally decided that stacking trash in the trashcan is a form of art...
the object being to stack it as high and unsteady as you can until the next fool walks by it and without even touching the damn thing, makes the whole contraption fall over...maybe extra points are earned if you can pick up whatever fell off and balance it back on top of the pile and get away before it falls back off...
or maybe you lose points for yelling the phrase 'stacking trash is NOT a form of art! and bagging it all up and taking it outside...in which case i am at about a negative 174583528475469800!!1111 points!

i guess i will also gain my negative points next time i change the light bulb or change the roll of toilet paper...

Peace be with you on your journey.

2008-06-17T12:21:00.002-05:00

We lost a dear friend yesterday to breast cancer.

I have thought and thought on what i wanted to write for you, Becky, and there is so much to say and no time left to say it. I am so thankful to have known you. I am not even sure that you knew how much you meant to me and everyone around you or how much I looked up to you.
On one hand I'm so happy for you...you are with Paul and your family again...but you will be missed dearly by many here.
I am thankful that we did get one last visit together before you continued on with your journey.
Peace be with you.
Love you and will miss you so much,
T

out of the closet, so to speak

2008-06-03T12:25:00.001-05:00

well im here, ive had my profile set to private for so long due to certain people having no business viewing it...i blocked said peeps a long time ago but was still edgy about em...
ive come to the realization that it doesnt really matter if they come in here or not, but on a side note if you are one of those people...and you know if you are...get the hell off my page....

things are going along pretty smoothly lately, just got done with my 6 weeks of training at work...thank you for calling and if you are a dell user, i sincerely apologize for your future trips to tech support...bring a lunch cause you are goin overseas!
i am looking forward to going to work tonight...somewhat...glad to be out of training but a bit anxious to be taking phone calls. i know its just my nerves going thru their usual aerobics and it will get better the more comfortable i get in my new position. altho i dont know if position is really the right word for it...after all i was a phone tech and im still a phone tech. just missing the confidence that im used to.
but i got this. ive talked to thousands of people over the last 6 years and i got this.

since transferring locations for work i have made a couple new friends and reconnected with a couple old ones since i worked at this location a few years back. its good to meet new people sometimes

the inner-self here is doing pretty good lately, im still missing my dad so bad but at least its bearable now...most days...theres just so much i still need to tell him and ask him.
i have been off the antidepressants for a few months now (by my own choice) and im doing pretty good, when i do have a bad day i allow myself to have it and get over it.

i cant wait until i get all settled at work and can take a few days and get up to illinois to see kerry and nathan, i miss them so bad and they are getting so big and all grown up. nathan graduated 8th grade and kerry will graduate high school in 1 more year!
to be completely honest tho, saying all that makes me feel old, old, OLD! even tho i know im not...not...not. (keep saying it and it will be true right?)

well...gonna go get ready for work and make lots of happy customers and lots of munny for me pocket!
*cough*bullpoo*cough8

i despised that bitch, now i AM that bitch!

2008-05-26T16:52:00.001-05:00

ever see those people driving and talking on a cell phone? im ashamed to admit it....i talked on my cell the other day while driving, it was only for a second tho....and at least i wasnt doing 90 mph in a parking lot, i was on a straight part on the interstate...

oh and those people in the bathroom while talking on the cell phone, you only hear one side of the conversation and arent sure if you should answer or not....well i was in walmart yesterday and hadda pee...went to the bathroom and now that i figured out that i can set certain ring tones for certain peeps on my phone, a siren went off with a "WARNING, WARNING, BULLSHITTER ALERT!" and low and behold it was my dear husband from somewhere else in the store asking where i was....after announcing to everyone IN the bathroom, that i also was IN the bathroom, i told him i would meet him in electronics in a second.

the second after i hung up...i no more than get the phone in me pocket and me pocket starts to sing to me...."im a barbie girl in a barbie world..."
and of course its my sister (who has since informed me to change her ringtone to something by korn...) and just in case the other peeps in the bathroom werent sure or maybe had forgotten, i once again informed everyone i was in the bathroom...

so now...armed with my new phone....i have found that i have now become that bitch! nice.....

Good News...Sorta

2008-05-21T12:28:00.001-05:00

went to the eye doctor today and found out why my right eye is so bad, he said there is scarring on the cornea, i have no idea how i would have gotten that because i never had any eye injury or any real bad eye infection, i even managed to stay away from pinkeye all thru my school years. my prescription for glasses hasnt changed from last year he said, and he stuck a hard contact into my right eye and got the vision to 20/20,
it was so weird...first of all, the giant finger headed straight for my eye and then it almost felt like a tickle on the inside of my eyelid, after blinking for a minute or so it wasnt so bad and it was so strange to actually see out of that eye! clearly!
then him popping it out was the fun part....ive never...well i cant say i saw it coming out, it just felt funny tho, lol.

he said that with a scar on my eye that glasses wont help it any more than they already do...which isnt enough to satisfy the almighty DMV anyways. he said even soft lenses wont, it will have to be a hard contact.

downside is that they cost a bit more, but last way longer and are easier to care for than soft lenses. and with replacing soft ones more often the cost actually comes out to around the same in the long run.

he is going to put everything off for a month and work with my vision insurance company, he said that since technically its a disfigurement now (or something like that), that he might be able to get my health insurance to foot some of the bill. and since i work on a computer at work....being able to see out of both eyes is necessary.

for now he gave me some drops and stuff to keep any irritation in my eyes down and he will work with my insurance and see me in a month, he even refused to take a copay for the visit today! i have my papers all signed by him to give to the lady *coughcough* at the DMV and signed off on me getting my license with no restrictions other than my glasses!

sometimes i wanna poke my brain out!

2008-05-19T00:30:00.002-05:00

well i went and did it again....
had a nice and wonderful dream about my dad, he came back and wasnt gone anymore and i was so very happy and then woke up and had my heart broken all over again.

ive been off antidepressants for a couple months now and i think overall im doing pretty good...it was never my intention to stay on them permanantly anyways. i hate feeling all good about myself and then my stupid brain starts its crap again. sometimes i just want to shove a q-tip thru my ear and push the nuisance out the other side, onto the floor, and let the cat have at it!

/ end rant
i feel marginally better now.

If Thy Right Eye Offends Thee, Then Pluck It Out!

2008-05-13T23:43:00.001-05:00

i finally...FINALLY got all my crap together to go get my drivers license renewed/reinstated/whatever...

i failed the eye test.

i just got my glasses a year ago, now i have to be at the eye doctor at 8am next wednesday, so that gives me like 4 hours of sleep after i get off work at 2am wednesday morning.
last time i went for glasses my right eye was at 20/2100 without glasses, the glasses i have now were supposed to bring it to 20/30.

if they cant fix my right eye, then what?

screw it all.

2008-05-12T00:11:00.001-05:00

so....im trying to pull myself together....
i decided since im getting good hours at work that i could get myself into the dentist, well, i called my insurance company that i have been paying for for over SIX years and they say that the closest one that takes our insurance is now 35 miles away. i asked about a card and was told i 'should' have been sent one and not recalling ever have seen one...ever...i asked what info i should give. she gave me the group number and 800 number and stuff. and i called last week to make the appointment for today.
i drive all the way there and sit for 30 minutes or so in an empty waiting room and the receptionist calls me up there and tells me that they dont have the insurance company in their computer and wouldnt know where to send a bill and dont have the 800 number....which i wrote all that out on the papers she had me fill out....and then went on to say that i would have to pay for the entire visit up front...which of course i wasnt prepared to do today....and that i could just call back for another appointment at another time.

i promise i was very well behaved and didnt call anyone any bad names until i was back in the car so pissed off i was crying. drove another 35 miles back home and noticed that gas prices jumped another 12 cents today.
great.
im driving just under 40 miles a day for work, add to that the few miles jeremy has for work, its right at 40 i guess. god forbid we actually want to go anywhere else...much less NEED to go anywhere else!
i will say that yes, the cost of living here is not too high, but its getting to the point of when its gonna start costing me to actually go to work since i have been informed that i have reached the pay cap. thats ok tho, i informed them that if they didnt raise the cap by december (which will put me at 7 years with the company) that ill be looking for another job...on second thought maybe i can just sit at home on public aid and let them support me anyways.
thats something the government and their gas prices may want to think about...people cant afford to go to work, so they cant afford to put food on the table...equals a LOT of people having to quit/get fired and sit at home and collect money from the government after unemployment runs out.

screw it all.