My Pet's Place

Orgasms

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 08:49:00 +0000

I believe Sir has asked me to write how I feel when I orgasm before, but I am sure it hasn't been since we started living together, and a lot has changed since then.

How I feel depends a great deal on the circumstances surrounding the orgasm.

If it's late at night and I know he has work in the morning then it is often a mixture of guilt, coupled with feeling like an inconvenience. I think this often leads to difficulty in reaching climax, despite my body begging for release.

It's difficult to write about feeling any other way than I describe above because it seems like we are always having sex in the wee hours, when he is tired and has work. I do feel loved because he isn't dismissing me, and he is willing to put off his own sleep to take care of my needs, but it is burdened with a lot of guilt.

One of my favourite ways to cum is to have started the 'session' in an off mood. Not really eager for sex, or worse in a bad mood, and then driven so wild by his touch that I am begging for it. At that point when I climax I feel completely and totally owned, truly as if my body were his betraying me to obey his commands.

I don't think I am in a very good place at the moment, I am tending to see everything with a shade of negativity, so choosing now to write about my orgasms is probably not the best time, because even those are harder to come by (no pun intended).

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 23:31:00 +0000

Today Sir has tasked me with watching an update from the Sex and Submission site and writing a commentary on it, noting my likes and dislikes and my feelings about the dominant.

http://www.sexandsubmission.com/site/shoot/5852-Charlotte-Vale.html

The thing I liked the most about the entire shoot was that she was forbidden to say no. When she wanted to indicate something in the negative she had to be creative. He would ask her something to which the answer would have been no, and she would have to come up with something like "I would prefer something else" or "please don't" but never the word no. I like that kind of protocol.

The shoot itself was pretty bland, only two scenes, both of which she was bound in an unusual position. She had to wear a ball-gag which I would like to try. She was straining wanting to cum and he made her articulate clearly with the gag in her mouth which was fun.

The dominant, Mark Davis, is decent. I like his penchant for finding what the girls don't like and torturing them with it. I think a good dominant has to be somewhat sadistic, and he has a nice balance. Clearly he wants his girls to feel pleasure, although he constantly reminds them it's about him and not them.

Not the most erotic or enjoyable of scenes but it had some nice elements.

Catching Up

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 23:21:00 +0000

The last post by either of us was almost two years ago. A lot has happened since then! I posted in September 2008 about his return trip here. He went home, put his affairs in order, bought a one way trip and came back to Australia.

It's been a hard two years. I would often liken it to an arranged marriaged. There was so much we had to adjust to, and very little of it involved BDSM other than some wonderfully kinky sex.

Recently we went through a series of events that brought us closer, not the least of which was me being admitted to hospital for surgery. This led to the two of us recommitting to each other, and rededicating ourselves to the BDSM lifestyle.

This is our continued journey.

AD/HD Submissive

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:41:00 +0000

I have AD/HD, or so I am told, although I hate acknowledging it. I guess I would rather think of myself as self centered, selfish, lazy, stupid, than to think of myself as someone who uses a new and cool diagnosis as an excuse for their behaviour.

"Lacking adequate stimulation, some people with AD/HD will subconsciously seek other means of stimulation. And that includes overeating, drinking to excess, pot smoking, porn viewing, and gambling as well as behaviors such as provoking others into a fight and starting arguments. The adrenaline that is released during the conflict, paradoxically, acts to calm the brain, sort of like the stimulant medication does." Gina Pera

I think I find this sort of release when Sir hits me, especially when its methodical and rhythmic. It centers and calms me, it helps me find focus, it calms the noise in my head, it makes me feel better. Better about myself, better about my life. For that short period of time it all makes sense, I make sense, I have a purpose and a reason.

Owning It

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 15:01:00 +0000

At times I feel a great deal of shame regarding my submissive needs, my desire to be used and objectified. I remember saying to Sir recently that I felt I should be able to do what "normal" people do and stuff it back down, swallow it, hide it, be miserable in a vanilla life and accept that is how it should be.

I watched an O where the submissive felt similarly. She felt somewhat sexually repressed, unable to talk dirty, unable to ask for what she wanted, unable to accept herself. When her trainer put her collar on she became almost euphoric. He said to her that the collar symbolized her owning it, owning all her shit, not being afraid of it and accepting it. "It's your sexuality, you can do whatever you want with it."

My collar isn't just a symbol of how Sir owns me, its a symbol of accepting myself. It doesn't just say to the world that I am owned, it says I am comfortable with who I am and what I want. I'm not at the stage of total self acceptance yet, but each day I am embracing my own thoughts a little more, exploring them a little more.

It's still quite a daunting prospect to communicate these feelings and desires to him. I suppose I want him to guess what I want and need, and find it within me and pull it out of me so that I have no choice but to accept it. Maybe I need him to push me more, to demand more of me, something to help him understand what I need.

Desperate and Destructive

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 10:58:00 +0000

Sir came and spent another two weeks with me and we spent the time in a fulltime, live in D/s dynamic. It wasn't fantastic, the sex was nothing like I remembered it, we clashed a lot and he tried way too hard to get me to be pleasant in the morning. But that's just us finding our ground, I expect that it will be like that for some time. I didn't want to put a huge amount of pressure on the relationship by expecting it to be just right at the beginning, he's strong enough and patient enough that he can lead us in the right direction.

By the last day of his visit I was feeling pretty miserable. I had almost zero time to myself over the past two weeks, and my regular day to day life had been totally disrupted. On top of that a friend of mine had a pretty serious car accident, yet I could only spend a few hours one evening with them because neither Sir or myself felt it was fair that he had travelled over 10,000 miles to sit alone. We put it down to poor timing but I felt incredibly stressed and pressured not to mention unbelievably torn.

So I took him to the airport and watched him walk away, again. I browsed through the airport bookshop and then hopped on a city bus, did a little shopping and then headed home. I had the house to myself for two hours so I climbed into bed and dozed a little, relishing the warmth and softness, listening to the rain and loving the time to myself.

Once I felt restored I took a deep breath and then all of a sudden I felt like crying. He was gone again. I couldn't believe the loss I felt, still feel. Every minute that he is gone I feel worse. I find myself being short tempered and irrrational, and then of course I feel guilty that I am subjecting him to those negative emotions when this move to return to me permanently is a greater ordeal for him than I will ever know. God, I hate guilt, fucking catholics.

It's going to take him about a month to return. I text him and bug him to come online to spend time with me, but then when he gets there I want to lash out at him for leaving me again. Nothing feels the same without him here, nothing. He asked me to wear my cuffs throughout the day to comfort me, but instead they just irritate me, yet while he was here I was loathe to take them off, I loved them so much.

Sigh. Pout.

Remember, dominant, not domineering!

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:52:00 +0000

I was tasked today with writing on the blog. I have not done so lately because I am also tasked with writing in a journal daily (which is often not much more than a recitation of our daily conversations), and I do not like to repeat myself with such regular monotony. I do not mind sharing my thoughts, I feel in fact it is necessary for Sir to have a greater understanding of what I am thinking and feeling and I have endeavored to create an environment where I let him know verbally what's going on... every other means of communicating that feels redundant. I do it because I have been asked to and because I imagine he will get some pleasure from reading my written words.

Ours is not a full on D/s relationship. I understand that I am to respect him and remember always that he is my Owner, but I am not a service slave. My purpose in this relationship is not to be attentive to his needs 100% of the time. We have talked, and agreed, that most of the time we would appear to the casual onlooker just like any other couple. So, the way I see our relationship is that after attending to my daily tasks, unless he has bid me otherwise, I am free to do my own thing. I should clarify and say it is not just my interpretation of our relationship, he has said those same words to me, that unless he states otherwise I am left to my own devices.

Today he got irritated that my attention was distracted from him, and without informing me that this was the case, he allowed it to get to a point where he berated me and then said goodnight. When we discussed it, he initially responded with, "Well what did you think would happen?".

This is unacceptable in many ways.

I have offered my submission to him because I enjoy being at his beck and call, and I enjoy being told what to do by him. For him to "endure" my behaviour or an activity I am performing when he would prefer me to do something else, means that he has forgotten his role as Dominant. All he has to do is ask me to stop.

For him to state what he did, means that he has forgotten that I am free to do as I please unless directed otherwise from him, he is forgetting our agreement. Furthermore, I don't want to guess every minute of every day what it takes to please him. That's why I want a dominant, because I am so tired of guessing what people want from me, and ultimately getting it wrong. I don't mean this to sound like I am not capable of "checking in" to see if he needs anything, or offering affection or attention spontaneously, but I am not a mind reader, and to check in constantly puts me in the position of service slave, an unhappy service slave.

Thoughtless Actions

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 02:23:00 +0000

I often wonder what it is which causes myself, and humanity at large, to engage in seemingly senseless or thoughtless action. Why do we have a propensity for saying foolish things? Even learned men and women worldwide seem to have moments that make you sit back and ponder "what on earth were they thinking?"

Humans are flawed. In many ways. If there is one inescapable principle which binds us together as a species I believe it to be our flawed makeup. I am no different and certainly not perfect.

Tonight I find myself irritated and upset. Not at Pet. At myself. I strive dubiously to ensure that I am constantly improving myself. I work at not making the same mistakes twice. Remind myself at times not to do this, or to do something a certain way. There are many acts, words, sayings and what-have-you which I know pet does not like; things I have a tendency to do which irritate her. I have heard proclamations regarding situations which read: "your the Dom - she has no say in how things should go...no preference to how she wants to be treated," and the like. But to my thinking, D/S or not, this is still a relationship. There are still two parties working together to form this bond. Both parties have to be happy. Pet is not a slave.

So why do I still fumble around at times? Why do I realize the way things are, the twists and turns of the relationship; understand things to do and things not to do...and yet still fall into a pitfall and slip up. I sincerely wish for a cure from this "dunderhead disease" as I like to call it.

Tonight Pet did something which irritated me. The act continued. I decided to just try and cope with it myself and not cause any friction over it for it was a really minor annoyance, really. Instead of saying something, anything, to Pet about my annoyance I let it reach a point where I unreasonably let it out. Rather than alleviating an issue before it became a problem I allowed it to spill over into an even larger cesspool.

I realize I have uttered this phrase before but will do so again regardless. Pet makes me want to be a better man. Above all else that has always been my main goal.

So, it is nights like these which make me feel as if I have failed that goal - that I have DE-evolved into some lesser stature of myself. I feel like I fail myself and I have failed to uphold my end of things with Pet. It is just humbling and fills me with a bit of sorrow to know that I have erred. Most especially because lately Pet has been near perfect to the letter. She has been a wonderful Pet in recent weeks.

Tomorrow is a new day. Hold my head up high and continue to march onward. Take a lesson learned and pray that it sticks. I have no illusions that I am flawless. I am positive I will make mistakes again and that this will not be the last. But the only thing you can do is move forward and continue trying to make those improvements and realize that your just human.

My apologies to you Pet. Your a good pet and I love you.

Punishment

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:50:00 +0000

Punishment has always been a sticky issue for me in regards to addressing it with pet. By trade I handle discipline and deal out punishment as a daily routine. I have no fear of it, per se, nor am I weak and unwilling to administer it. I simply seem to have an arduous time correlating Pet performing an unpropitious act to reasonable consequence.

I firmly believe that offenses need to be addressed. I also firmly opine that the consequence (and again note the use of CONSEQUENCE here, rather than punishment) be fitting to that offense which has been committed.

There are a variety of factors which cause my excognition to lapse. I believe distance to be one factor - the simple fact that I am not at-hand to administer various forms of consequence nor to focus the effects. Secondly, being as D/S is new to me I believe I still have difficulty at times to be cognisant that focusing Pet's behavior is not only her responsibility but also my own. Lastly, it can be difficult at times as well for me to envision a proper consequence which I feel is a "fitting" response.

As I stated earlier...I believe that the consequence should be fitting. Punishment to me is penal. It is inflicting. It is there to hammer home a point. I am an adherent to the philosophy that punishment is not always the best solution. Beating a dog does not always exasperate the desired response. I find this to be true with my current occupation. I believe it to be true to the dynamic between Pet and myself.

The other day Pet came without permission. Pet must ask permission whenever it is feasible (ie, im not sleeping) before she may come. Not only did she do this but she messages me to let me know she did and that she believes she did it simply to push my buttons and see what the result would be. What a recalcitrant little pet!

In the end I believe I was too easy on her. There are many ways I could have handled it differently were I closer. For instance, had I actually been there I believe I would have developed a scene for us to perform which would have enforced the discipline and put it to the forefront of her mind what was expected. But I am not right at hand and options become limited.

What actually happened is I assigned her a menial task to perform and told her that the next time it happened the consequence would be more severe.

The impasse for me was that I felt she could have just hidden the entire incident and not said a word. For me, her forthright acknowledgment was to her credit. After some later discussion Pet stated that "but me telling you what I did was an act of overt defiance and pushing your buttons..." I could cede that train of thought - however I believe the act of doing it was defiance in and of itself and telling me was just icing on the cake. Maybe I have a soft spot for her bratty nature as well. I always told her I never wanted a meek kitten that would roll over and do everything I said: I'll just snatch the claws off any big snarling-cat behavior.

Whatever the reasons may be I think I was a tad easy. My supposition, or hope, is that she knows I will do something and that the consequences can and will always be stepped up. I just hate having options limited and I do not always like what my options are. I find far too often that the choices always lead to a form of pointless menial punishment when other methods may be better.

- Signed, Owner

Dominating -vs- Domineering

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 05:37:00 +0000

They both start with Dom, how different could they be? Domineering means to rule arbitrarily, to be overbearing and tyrannical. Dominating, while it still pertains to control, means simply to rule over and govern.

We've had a tough time with discovering our limitations, well to be honest, my limitations. I haven't always communicated them honestly to Sir, so he hasn't always been aware of when I have been pushed way beyond them.

At the same time, in an effort to maintain the balance of power within our relationship I feel that Sir has often been more domineering than dominating, something I have not handled very well. The more domineering he became, the more distant I would become, and at a loss as to how else to control the situation he became more domineering, and the cycle continued until he let go of control completely by dismissing me.

It can be a very fine line between the two forms of control, and I think within a BDSM relationship there is certainly room for the Dom to be domineering. D/s is symbiotic however. Without a submissive the domineering Dominant is merely a vanilla schoolyard bully.

One of the things that helps me to cope with Sir when he is being domineering, and certainly enforces my role as the submissive, is the addition of sexual domination. I know that some Dom/mes and subs don't see BDSM as sexual at all, which completely baffles me because for me it is all about eroticism of the senses, be they physical or emotional.

I feel that one of the reasons we grew so distant is that there was no sexual connection between us for months. I know he did that out of respect for me, he knows I dislike "cybersex". But I think we are both intelligent enough that we can find ways to connect sexually with each other without either of us having to be at our computers.

He will be the first to admit that when I am being fussy, unruly and generally uncooperative, that after an orgasm I am a completely different person, tamed and meek, placid and gentle, giggly.

I always worry when giving Sir "feedback" on my training that I am topping from the bottom, saying "this is how I want to be treated". I don't know how I can avoid that and give genuine feedback, so I will simply say that I believe if Sir integrates more sexual domination into our relationship he will see the difference it can make. I will also remind Sir, that as part of our initial negotiations which are listed in the margin of this blog, one of Pet's expectations was "To have more sexual situations and be pushed more in that regards." ;)

Task: Strengths and Weaknesses

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 02:29:00 +0000

Sir has set me an assignment of writing down a list of my strengths and weaknesses, divided into three categories as set by him. This isn't as easy as it first appeared, because he asked for things that I do or don't do, not personality traits, but an accountability for my actions.

Things I do well:

This one is hard. I have taken a long, hard look at myself and at the moment there isn't a single thing I can think of as a submissive that I do well. Perhaps I could list here that I am able to see my flaws and apologise for my shortcomings.

Things I don't think I do very well:

Show gratitude
Follow orders
Listen
Orgasm control

Things I do that I believe Sir likes:

Send text messages to his phone
Ask permission for treats and priveleges
Recite my mantra

Things I do that I know Sir dislikes, but I do them anyway:

Argue and behave aggressively
When angry I log off and refuse to answer my phone
Go out without asking permission
Failure to communicate my moods respectfully

Will continue to think on this and update as necessary.

grat - i - tude

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:10:00 +0000

- noun
A feeling of thankfulness and appreciation.

This is one area where I feel I could use a lot of work. I think I am probably, hmmm definitely, a pretty ungrateful submissive. I don't mean to be, I have said thankyou to him for the many things he brings to my life, but I don't think I do a very good job of showing it. Not in the "classic" D/s type way. I don't thank him for correcting me and training me, in fact previously I would be just as likely to argue with him as to why I didn't need to change. I don't say "Thank you Sir".

Thankyou, Sir.

The Training Of...

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 06:31:00 +0000

We had discussed previously a website I discovered called The Training Of O. It's one of kink.com many sites, all parties involved are professional workers who get paid for their efforts, the theme for this one is training of submissives.

We still have 30 days before we see each other again so we thought going through the files and watching scenes by professionals would be a good source of conversation and inspiration for us both, and an interesting way to pass the time!

Today I chose one to watch that I think may prove to be the best the site has to offer. I didn't realize it at the time, but the professional Dom brought his real life girlfriend and submissive to negotiate the terms of, and to formalize their D/s relationship.

I've watched fetish porn before, faked, contrived, each actor playing their part. I don't know if this was different because the Dom and Sub have a real life relationship, but it was certainly something to watch the two of them in a scene. I identified a lot with the sub, she was being punished for masturbating without permission. By her own admission she enjoyed BDSM for the pleasure she gained out of it, rather than experiencing the pleasure of service to her Dom.

He instructed her on the difference between correction and punishment, and throughout the scene she was being punished for her disobedience. His words to her were calm and clear but never for a moment did you doubt his position of authority. At one point, when she was at the height of her suffering, she whimpered and said she was sorry, and his voice softened a little and he said "I know baby".

The playfulness she displayed was genuine, as was his desire for her, and I often caught myself smiling at the dialogue between them. Despite them being on camera it was still the most realistic scene I have watched.

I've been on the collarme forums, and watched the posturing and posing by both Doms and subs alike, and have been into a real live working dungeon and watched Doms with their subs, and still it all seems like it's for show. I don't know whether to be discouraged or encouraged. I mean I have been exposed to what felt like a genuine D/s scene... yet it wasn't one in real life, it was done by professionals on camera.

A fresh start

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 02:39:00 +0000

As pet has already mentioned in her post, I did break things off with her recently. Was such a hard thing for me to do. I feel closer and more in 'sync' with Pet than with anyone else I have ever been with. We have our differences, to be sure, yet I am inclined to believe that her and I share more alike than anyone I have previously been involved with. More importantly to me, as well as her, is the consideration that some of the things we share and have explored with each other - are phenomena we have "unlocked" in each other and feel only comfortable sharing with one another.

I feel no need to go into detailed reasoning here. Suffice to say I felt a major loss of connection with pet and felt that whatever we had was lost. Pet did not seem to argue any points with me, did not put up a fuss, whimper, fight or otherwise make any noise about the subject. As she stated herself, she felt a weight lifted from her shoulders. From that perspective and my own I just felt as if things had come to a conclusion between us, albeit one I did not readily want to accept or savor.

Out of the blue Pet started tentatively rubbing my leg again. At first I have had major reservations. Is this just another passing fad? Is it a fashionable Mood? Something in the air? Why let it fall apart so easily, seemingly, and now want to start it back up again. Then there is always the reverberations of "I let her go...shouldnt I just move on?"Trying to figure it out.

In the end though I feel like this is a fresh start. A breath of new life into a relationship that is the most intense and fulfilling of my life when all is well. I am willing to give it another pass and see where the road leads to this time. Putting aside doubts and reservations... I have never been one to do anything half-assed, I see no reason to start now. Trying to start over again with baggage and doubts, I think, would only hinder this new spark and snuff it ere it had a chance to burst to new flame.

Another vacation to see Pet in August will set conditions in a firmer foundation. I look forward to exploring our BDSM with each other first hand in all of it's glory. It may not be for long but it will certainly not be wasted time.

Two Knotty Boys

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:19:00 +0000

I have always been fascinated by bondage, particularly shibari, the use of intricate knots and ropes. There is something ritualistic in the process that attracts me. I stumbled across this on youtube tonight and wanted to share!

If you love something, set it free...

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:13:00 +0000

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

Sir had only ever heard the first part of that saying, "If you love something, set it free." He had never heard the full phrase as most people know it, and even myself, I had not heard the full phrase as quoted above. Interesting sentiment when it comes to a BDSM relationship in a free society. What follows is, hopefully, the last of our drama's for some time now!

About a three weeks ago Sir rang and told me we were finished, that he just wasn't prepared to maintain the relationship as it was. Can't say that I blamed him, I wasn't returning his phone texts or emails very often, when we did talk I was usually cranky and irritable. At first I was relieved, like this huge weight had been lifted from me, and there were no tears or feelings of loss, a twinge of regret at what might have been, but I felt it was the best for us both.

I have always felt this huge burden of guilt at the fact that he has to move ten thousand miles to be with me. What if he gets here and it doesn't work? I know myself, and I know I would remain trapped in a relationship that I hated out of guilt, I know this because I am currently in such a relationship, too weak to walk away, bound by guilt and regret. So when he said it was over, I felt all that lift, and for a few days I actually felt much better.

Then it was like I was haunted by him. I found myself thinking about him constantly, not just the good memories but everything. The fights. The dorky monkey faces he likes to make. The way he says "Huh?" like a redneck inbred if he hasn't heard me and how that irritates me so! The fact he changed how he spelled the word "Hun" to "Hon", and "Luv" to "Love" because that's how I preferred it. Little things that he's said and done flooded my mind for days on end.

We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people.

Sir doesn't own me, not really, not if I don't want him to. I am free to do what I want, be with whomever I choose. I choose to be a part of this scene where I belong to him, where he owns me. We may falter along our journey down that path, but I won't stop trying.

Only when I am with Sir am I truly free to be me, all of me, no hiding, no closet full of skeletons, bared soul and naked. The thought of never feeling that way again, of having to hide this darkness within, made me feel sick to the stomach. He is the only person I trust to expose myself so openly with.

So after a very rocky few months things are as they should be again. He's even coming back to Australia for another holiday, although not for as long as either of us would like, but that's a topic for another post!

Recent Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 08 May 2008 23:03:00 +0000

Many different thoughts have raced through my mind the past few months and extensively the past week or so discussing certain things with Pet again. I will admit that at one or maybe even a few points it occurred that perhaps Pet and I were not meant to be and I should seek a more suitable companion. Love is such a fickle beast of ones soul, however. As much as "mind" said staying may be a poor choice, heart and soul said "you will regret it forever if you take the easy path now." It is also hard for me to accept at this point in our relationship that it is not "right" or we do not belong together. Everyone goes through episodes and our relationship is certainly strained by many factors.

In the end what it boils down to is the fact that I love Pet more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life and am happy to experience this with her. I am accepting of her and who she is and I can not overlook that (some doms would say TOO accepting and I allow her to push too much but that is for me to decide). Inexperience combined with distance has not made this an easy adventure for either of us. But it is a journey and an adventure I am glad to be on. Again I think that is what it all boils down to is the fact that it is a journey for both of us and I would not have any other person to share it with.

Pet is quite the handful...to be honest she's an outright rebellious little wench at times that deserves a good smacking or spanking (or to be bound, given 'the stare', etc...) . I believe that to be part of our trouble at times because I am not right there to do either, to give that first hand attention. In any event, trying to learn the ropes of dominating someone as defiant as Pet has not been the easiest job.

Oddly enough I do not wish to break her. Given time and a firm hand I have no doubts my will would finally bend and break hers. But having a broken and whimpering pet is not something I relish. As much as I dislike being clawed, I would rather have a spunky, vibrant and happy pet than a meek and broken down slave licking my toes every day. Knowing how pet is and accepting that as part and parcel of the package is just a piece of what she and I will have to learn together.

She needs to learn her place better than she has. She has a complicated life which makes it hard for certain principals to be adapted on top of her rebellious nature but I think she is capable of understanding her role better. Owner is willing to allow her privileges and accept parts of her life most others would not, I think; she just needs to realize that when all is said and done that Owner holds the key. I deserve her respect and love and even if I do something which makes her claw and bite. She must understand that she needs to accept the consequences without scampering away.

I need to understand more that she is a cat and not a dog (nice blog by Pet I think). I think she summed up her Identity Crisis fairly well and as succinctly as I was going to here.

Pet is a Cat. She loves attention at times, when it suits her. When it does not it can be quite the bother. She is submissive to a point. Certainly not a slave but nor do I really believe her to be a switch (nor would I accept a Switch relationship, I am not submissive). She does like to gain control at times and wants things her own way. Learning when to hold kitty tighter and when to let kitty go is going to be the difficult part. Pet also has to realize that while cats are fairly independent - they also need their masters to survive in the luxurious life that they have. Bite and claw all you want but you are not always going to have your way. Accept and live with that.

-Signed, Owner

Cats -vs- Dogs

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 08 May 2008 09:27:00 +0000

Pet owners typically fall into one of two categories. Dog people or cat people.

Dogs are loyal, loving companions but at a price. Dogs are high maintenance. They need to be bathed, walked, and they require constant attention and discipline. They will come when called and sit at your feet, waiting to be petted. They will take a lot of abuse and mistreatment and still keep coming back, always looking at you with those big puppy dog eyes, begging for love.

Cats are affectionate but on their own terms. They are the low maintenance pet. They don't need bathing, or walking. They rarely come when called (unless its accompanied by the sound of their food container being rattled). They won't tolerate as much abuse, and become wary if mistreated. A content cat, however, will come to settle on your lap after a day of adventures, rewarding your attention with a hearty purr.

Dog people who get cats are typically unsatisfied. They feel unfulfilled, their pet never around when they want it. Cat people who get dogs are often overwhelmed by the neediness their pet displays.

Despite their fundamental differences, the one thing that cats and dogs do have in common is that they both require loving owners to be happy.

I went to Sir and asked him to be my Owner. I do not think at that time he knew what type of pet I was going to be. He knew what type of woman I am, but how does that translate into a D/s relationship? I wonder, are most Dominants dog people?

I think about my cat, currently wandering across my lap, rubbing against me, trying to gain my attention, purring loudly. For a cat he is quite placid, and will tolerate being picked up and carried around for the most part, but if he really does not want to be petted he will get out the claws and protest till I put him down.

I love my Owner. I love the way he cares for me. There are many aspects of my life where I am grateful for his control and dominance, and I take great comfort and security in being owned. But there are some aspects that I need to have control of, for my own identity, my own sense of wellbeing. Perhaps it is just teething pains and in time I will be able to surrender everything to him, but I doubt it. I think in the world of pets, I am a lot more like a cat than a dog, and will always seek some independence.

Sir and I talked extensively this week and I think we have a better understanding of each other. I am glad that we are still on this journey, and that we are working towards our respective roles. He backed away from being dominant entirely for a few months, and I have asked that when he is ready that he start "tugging my leash" again. I have no doubt that we can make this work, in our own way.

Identity Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 15:42:00 +0000

I know I disappeared from the radar a little while back. I logged in to find several comments requiring moderation and I was truly suprised that my little space had left an impact, thankyou. I have been through an identity crisis of sorts.

Repeatedly I would see Sir hold our relationship up and measure it. Repeatedly one or both of us falls short. I am not submissive enough. He is not dominant enough. We are not doing enough. By whose standards are we to be measured. Is there a tribunal to which we are accountable for our D/s activity. At some point we will be placed on a scale and weighed? Will a taste tester come past and lick us, declaring us to be vanilla to the core?

Shortly after Christmas I went through one of my periods where I desire solitude, where I need space, where I don't like to be around people all that much. Sir wouldn't give me that, as a submissive I had no right to request that, and I struggled a lot, I guess I still am. I hate him for doing that to me, for taking my desire to be submissive and using it against me to manipulate the situation so that he would get what he wanted out of it... but then if he is my Owner I guess he has the right to do that, which leaves me with the same thought running through my head. Am I really submissive?

Meeting Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 20:33:00 +0000

Being included in different aspects of Pet's life has been a large sense of comfort for me. It gives me the feeling that I am a big enough part of her life that she feels comfortable to include me in activities she would normally hold more private. Call it a security blanket if you will. It makes me feel special and it makes me feel all the more a part of who she is. It gives me an extra sense of togetherness and in a way makes me feel proud. I have a great sense of pride in owning her and that she includes me more as time progresses - making me feel more a part of her. As time goes on I feel less like an outsider or that her and I are alone - that I am not just a piece of her that never gets shared or that I am viewed as "that guy who is 14,000 miles away." It is hard to describe. It is not easy, for either of us, having this great gap of distance. The knowledge that our relationship has grown to encompass more than just Pet and myself makes it feel more secure, real, and makes me ever more determined to see things through. Knowing that despite the distance there is a deep sense of us being joined and that we are working towards being together again is a good feeling.

Last night was my first chance to spend time with some close friends of my Pet. A wonderful experience to be sure and one which really allowed me a glimpse into Pet's social life and made me feel together with her. On a personal level I guess I would call myself a bit subdued. I didn't join in as much as I may have liked, may have kept quiet a bit. I wish I had teased a bit more and played around. But it was a great experience and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Pet - your friends are amazing and fun. I can not wait to have more fun times with them. It means a great deal to me that you took that step with me last night, inviting me into another part of your life and your world. You have made your Owner feel loved and appreciated. I could think of no greater gift you could have given me at this time of year than that which you did last night - including me amongst your friends and family. I felt accepted and it made me very happy.

You are amazing. Love You Pet

To My Pet

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 18:18:00 +0000

I know that as an individual I am not perfect. Nobody is but I hound myself incessantly about it. I strive to be perfect and to show you every consideration possible. I certainly realize that as your Owner I have an increased level of responsibility to look out for your needs and feelings. I have to balance my own needs, desires and feelings with yours. I work so hard to affect changes about myself which I know cause friction and conflict within our relationship. I feel confident and positive in the changes I have made and I can slowly see myself grow and mature in many ways. Some changes happen faster than others and there are many facets of myself which I wish would improve at a more rapid rate.

Whilst I feel that I have made many changes and worked hard at making others, I still sometimes feel as if I fall short. I still do things and say things which cause issues between us. I find I hate myself incredibly at these moments. Any frustration or annoyance I felt towards you last night turned back upon me after I tried to sleep it off. It is as if all that negative energy I feed into being upset at you haunts me after the dust clears and I take stock of what just happened. The intense level of guilt and anger I found facing myself put a pit in my stomach that I still have not been able to rid myself of. I anguish over what I see myself do or say at times. I am so hard on myself after the fact and yet I continue to make poor judgements and allow emotion to cloud over reason. I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me that I can love and care for you so much, that I know this is what I want...I know you are working hard and want it too...and yet I continue to act like a complete ass at times.

I do not want to screw this up. We have such a great time together and there are so many great things in our relationship. I am certain I will never find another individual in this lifetime that has the effect upon me that you do. Every time I make a mistake I fear that it will be the last one you can handle. If I knew why I kept making mistakes I would change it in a heartbeat. I do know that I should take more time to process my thoughts at times when I feel frustration or anxiety but I find it so difficult to follow through. I catch myself most of the time and rephrase or redirect a question. It is the other 10% that keeps catching me though. And unfortunately when those occur you turn back into your natural stance and we escalate.

Often, at these moments, I wish to be upset with you over how you react to the situation. We both have choices which influence how the current situation passes. Last night you chose a few methods which were, perhaps, not the best. Your natural armor and instincts come out and I think we both lose sight of where we should be and it takes us some time to come back to it. I will sometimes, as I did last night, get worked up over how you've reacted back to me. The stubborn and obstinate part of me wants to be upset at this self-perceived indignity. I became frustrated first, then used logic - whereas I should have used logic and then gotten upset AFTER I spoke to you about it if I did not like the answer. In my"frustrated logic" scheme I could only come up with one possible cause for what had happened based on the information I had. So I then chose to be upset rather than calmly talking to you about it. I do not agree with how you then reacted over what I said. I think some of the things you said after that point did nothing but inflame the situation further. However, the blame is not yours, as if I didn't put us in that place to begin with there would be no reason for you to act defensively.

And now once again I find myself back at square one, asking myself why the hell I cant get my shit together and be perfect for you.

I thank you for your patience and your efforts. We have delved into something that has made me extremely happy. The changes in our relationship, in myself, and in you are wonderful to feel and see. Babygirl I wish to the sky that I could guarantee that I will never allow emotion to cloud over reason. I would give up everything I have, short of you, if I could figure out how to fix that part of me. If there was a switch in my brain or a set of synapses to block that would click that particular aspect of my thinking off - I'd do it. I do not like causing you pain like that and it kills me a little bit inside every time I do.

All I can tell you is this: I will NEVER give up on us. I will NEVER stop trying to improve myself. I will always try and make this relationship better and it will be my number one priority. Considering going back on medication for ADHD so that I have some extra help controlling the impulses and urges in my brain that cause me to speak before I think or allow my emotions to overpower my logic. I cannot promise you perfection and I cannot say I will never slip. I just put my faith in that you will be willing to look past my shortcomings and enjoy us for the good that exists within our relationship. I apologize in advance for any transgression, any pain, any hurt I cause that is not intentional or wanted. All I can do is ask forgiveness, understanding and tell you to stand firm with me.

I Love You

Opening Up

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:14:00 +0000

Upon my request Pet posed a few questions to me. The most important to her was one regarding the impact of her relinquishing certain account information to me. How did it make me feel when she gave in and gave me access to her email and other accounts? How do I feel that impacted our relationship and me directly?

For me personally it was as if the dam had broke. I had hounded her about this in the past, being open, giving me more access to her life, having barriers brought down. It was not until we discussed BDSM and spoke about her poly dynamic nature that she was ready to do this. Pet is a very fun loving and open person. She loves meeting people and exploring new relationships. It was something I was not comfortable with and to her defense I will say that much of her reaction was based upon my unwillingness to bend. I demanded complete monogamy. I cringed whenever she mentioned someone else in a manner which seemed "too friendly." I had lived up to this point in my life thinking that if you loved one person so much that you wanted to be with them - that this left no room for anyone else. How could you say "I love you" to more than one person - and mean it? That is not to say that Pet falls in love constantly or fools around with everyone she meets, do not get the wrong impression. She just has a much more open nature than I did. When she tells me she loves me, it is in a much deeper and meaningful context than when she says it to someone else. Her physical desires with someone else may not have the emotional and deep connotations that resonate when she is with me. I was rigid and totally inflexible in regards to any and all issues regarding this part of who she was.

This caused her to be unable to be completely open with me. Some may think it a cop out but I've come to realize it is not. She closed off aspects of her life and was not always up front with me about other relationships, etc... but she honestly did care for me and for us so much that she didnt want to break what we had. Before I met her I would have called bullshit and left. But even knowing and feeling that I was not always being clued into the "real" story I felt compelled to stick with her. To this day I can not honestly say what drove me so. How many people would want to stick around in a relationship where they didnt feel secure? I am glad I did though.

When I saw her in August some of the initial barriers had been stripped away. There is a guy whom she had met before me. She had told me that after we met she had ended the relationship - something that was not entirely true. I asked her flat out at one point during my trip if she had been with him since her and I met. She lowered her head, became a bit teary eyed and said "yes". I'm not sure how long I laid there silent, not wanting to speak because of the anger and frustration I felt rising within me. I wanted to hurt something, badly. They say not to ask a question you don't want an answer to but in this instance it was something I needed an answer to. At that point it was then my choice to move on or not. I had already "felt" that things with this man had continued between them. I could not corroborate between fact and my feeling however, not until that moment looking into her eyes. For me that was a first step but it still didnt open the barriers completely. It brought out honesty and I think gave us both reason to think seriously. I felt at that moment and thereafter that I could begin to trust her more to levels I felt apprehensive about previously. I am not sure how she felt although I believe that she may have realized too that it was "OK" for her to be more forthcoming about things as well. We discussed the issue and both took account. I was upset at the time over it but it quickly passed and we moved on. In a way I surprised myself at my reaction - that I let it go and allowed reason and my feelings for her over-ride my natural disposition to get angry.

Giving me her account passwords just completely broke the dam for me though. It was an act of complete submission upon her part. She had fought for so long, tooth and nail, to keep parts of her life private. For me it meant that she had capitulated and was opening herself up to me completely. It was like saying "I have nothing to hide, you have access to even the private parts of my life." I came away from that day feeling more secure than I ever did before. I don't exactly know what it was about that necessarily. You can make a hotmail account in thirty seconds. If she wanted to keep things secret from me she could. But I trust that she wont. I'm not sure what it is about giving me that access but for me it just let me know that things had moved to a new level. We aren't in Kansas anymore. The plateaus I have reached with her in regards to trust, love, and I daresay compassion are unknown to me. It makes me feel as if I am not only exploring a new relationship and delving deeper into that but it has unlocked parts of me I didn't know existed before. Why did I stick it out for months with her, feeling the whole time that I was in the dark about some things? Why do I feel such compassion for her? So many questions that make me examine myself. That alone makes me love her all the more. Pet has helped me open up pieces of myself I didn't even know existed.

I felt powerful too. Not in a conceited way. But it made me feel good knowing that she trusted me enough to give me that control and to know I had it. To know that I had the dominant role in the relationship after being fought for so long. Specifically related to BDSM it made me feel in charge and good as well. I have noted in previous blogs how uncertain I was that such a strong willed creature as Pet could submit fully to me. By her allowing me access to every part of her private life it was like a guarantee almost. I felt that "hey, she really is serious about this. She really is giving up control and submitting." It was reassuring. It helped to secure me on the BDSM fundamental in addition to everything else. I knew it would not be a game or fantasy that would be brushed aside at the first hint of a struggle. The security it helped provide really allowed me to open up more and be more expressive with her.

The impact it had on the relationship is almost self evident. Because of the increase in security and my comfort I felt more compelled to be open to things about her nature I hadnt been before. And vice versa - because I opened up and was more accepting and thoughtful she in turn was more open and progressive as well. It was a really good cycle of positive reinforcement. Her positive displays reinforced me to be positive back. Ive noticed my views have changed considerably. Rather than being dark and negative at times I am almost entirely positive now. This has come out in the change in our relationship. It is much more invigorating now, more natural and "easy". I am incredibly thankful for these changes. It is not "all" due to something as simple as her opening her passwords and accounts to me - but it is the thought and concept behind it that provoked some changes. Rather than feeling she was secluded away from me or keeping portions of her self locked I felt everything open up. Just like a flower blossoming I feel our relationship opened and blooming - like the flower spreading its petals for the sun.

Long Distance Scenes

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 10:27:00 +0000

It can be hard, very hard, to maintain the BDSM part of a relationship over long distance. You can only get so much mileage out of putting clothes pins on your own nipples. As I was masturbating today I imagined a scene that I think would work quite well LDR.

Sir and I set up our usual system of communication through skype, we both have video and sound communication, he can see me, hear me, and vice versa.

Sir asks me to arrange the following items (or similar). A dildo of some type, a vibrator of some type (I was thinking of my vibrating egg), a squeezy bottle of honey (or massage oil, something fluid), some clothes pins, a fly swatter or cooking spatula, lube, plus a couple of random items from about the house.

He then directs me to log into a chat room that he has created on a public network (Yahoo or similar). He tells me to turn my laptop around so that I cannot view the monitor, however I have to leave my headphones on so that I can hear his voice.

Now the scene is set. I can hear him, but I can't see him, or the chat room that we are in. He then "opens" the chatroom to the public, allowing others to enter and make requests. They are given the list of instruments that I have available, and are free to come up with any combination of actions they wish. As I cannot see the screen he verbally communicates those requests to me, and of course I must obey.

Now this can be toned down or intensified, depending on the mood.

If Sir wished it to be just a mindfuck, because I cannot see the screen he could "lock" the chatroom after I entered which would prevent anyone else from entering. Thus all the "directions" from strangers would in fact be his directions. He could also use this as a means of introducing to me some kinkier actions that he might not be entirely sure I would embrace... "it's not me asking you to coat that fly swatter in honey and spank yourself, its BigOne4You requesting it". ;) The scenario is safe and totally controlled by Sir, because even though I believe we are public, there is only the two of us and he is controlling all the actions.

This can be intensified a level by actually opening the chatroom and allowing members of the public to make requests. Sir would still have to relay those requests as orders to me, and he of course would reserve the right to not have me engage in an activity he thought was dangerous. This could be an entertaining way to expose ourselves to other people's kinks in a safe environment. In this scene only Sir would have access to my video, everyone else would be relying on communicating with Sir through text chat for feedback on their requests.

The most challenging scenario is of course to give those members in the chatroom full access to my video and/or voice feed, so they are getting immediate feedback and I am actually performing live for an audience. I have body image issues so I would of course prefer voice only, however pushing me on that could lead to areas of humiliation, challenging my boundaries, you know all those wonderful emotional things about BDSM.

I love this idea because it is so highly adaptable, can work for most anyone as the boundaries are easy to keep in tight or push out wide, but I think regardless of whether the players are experienced or new like us, it's something that could be incorporated long distance quite readily.

The Pioneer

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 05:08:00 +0000

Sir mentioned to me that I had opened up the deepest, darkest parts of him, parts that he thought he would never explore. He wanted me to blog about how that made me feel.

I feel...

Like God when he created Adam and Eve. Like Christopher Columbus when he discovered the Americas. Like Michelangelo when he painted the Cistine Chapel.

There is a dark recess inside my man, a place that no one, not even himself, has dared to explore. Certainly nobody has ever taken his hand and said "Let's go look, lets see what we find." Further still, nobody has ever reassured him that whatever is found in there, it won't just be acknowledged, it will be fostered and encouraged.

I want to walk that path, my leash in his hand, explore that garden where the flowers have wilted and thorny brambles have taken over. I want him to lay me down in the briar patch and let every thought, every desire, penetrate me, lacerate me, leave their mark upon me.

For whatever reason, I have managed to cut through the bullshit, strip away the lessons of morality and society, to negate the standards that modern life teaches us about restraint, propriety, dignity. I have managed to tap into his primal core, where the urges are animalistic and dangerous, where the creatures bite and claw. I want him to let them loose upon me.

I feel.... alive.

Everything

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 13:28:00 +0000