The Internet Wasteland

Ok, Wow

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:21:00 +0000

it has been a really long time since i've had the urge to post in here. nobody really reads this anyway so i guess it doesn't matter much but....

i saw this and it confused me, because it seems completely unnecessary.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9QAOQRx0-g

it's the Iphone commercial that tells you there is an app. for reading books. so now i guess you can finally take your book on that long roadtrip. thank God!...you know books aren't losing popularity because they aren't easy to carry around with you. they're losing popularity because you have to read them.

you disappoint me Iphone. if you weren't so cool looking, trendy, and something that would raise my overall rank in society i would never want you.

If The Glove Fits

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 22:15:00 +0000

i recently bought some black batting gloves. they're cool but i always have to remind myself when i put them on...am i about to bat or murder someone?

you'd surprised how often the answer is murder someone. don't worry, i'm not stupid. i got a second pair that doesn't fit my hands.

Disclaimer: i am not really a murderer, the gloves i recently bought will only be used for baseball purposes and maybe petty theft. i can assure you no one will die at my hands. please don't have me as a suspect in any murder investigation. unless the murdered person is the lead singer of Creed. in which case i will be happy to take responsibility for that. just as long as it happens. good day to you, sir or madam.

Obama is President!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:12:00 +0000

in case somehow you haven't heard. Obama won! and despite the desires of Jesse Jackson, he did with nuts intact. well played Mr. Barack.

i will leave you with an altered quote from Dr. Suess...

"and Ann Coulter's Adam's apple grew three sizes that night."

Now That Rocsi's on Board

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:36:00 +0000

i wasn't sure who i would vote for this year but since Rocsi from BET's video countdown show 106 and Park has thrown her endorsement behind Obama i believe my mind is made up.

take notes Colin Powell, this is how you endorse someone. in less than 20 seconds and on Bad Boy Records youtube channel.

shot, stabbed, and hit with a brick

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:07:00 +0000

i was pleasantly surprised by Comedy Central's Chocolate News. with stuff like this, you know i'll be watching.

I'm a PC

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 22:23:00 +0000

i'm a PC and i make really lame commercials just because my biggest competitor Mac made some really original commercials that a lot of people liked and now i'm jealous.

Better Than Voting

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 03:17:00 +0000

you know what the only thing better than the American people voting for the right candidate to lead our country for the next four years is?

knife fight.

Obama vs. Mccain. the one who doesn't bleed to death from stab wounds is leader of the free world.

say what you want, but people would tune in to see that on tv.

Ralph Nader Talks to a Parrot

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 23:00:00 +0000

this (other than Gravel's rock toss) is the oddest youtube video for a presidential candidate i've seen. i wondered what was so important that Nader couldn't find the time to accept my Myspace friend request...now i know, he had to talk to a Parrot named Cardozo....i can't understand why this guy doesn't get elected!?!?!?

enjoy.

My Hell

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 20:58:00 +0000

i just spent 3 1/2 hours helping my mom move all the stuff in her K-5 classroom to a different room at the school because she's changing grades to 1st grade. which as you can imagine is exactly how any 17 year old guy wants to spend his Saturday...getting up at 10 AM and helping move boxes for 3 1/2 hours. that's exactly what i was looking forward to all week during school. i'm so glad it became a reality.

next week i want to wake up at 7 AM and get shot in the face. possibly have a screwdriver shoved in my ear. or maybe even have a monkey bite off one of my testicles and roll it around in his mouth like Jollyrancher for a while. but i can only hope those plans don't fall through at this point. cross your fingers!!!

Ronald Mcdonald's Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 02:35:00 +0000

you know what Ronald Mcdonald prays for?

i'm thinking world peace, a sexy clown burger-lovin girlfriend, and fresher patties.

either that or that he won't wake up with the Burger King in his bed with a sandwich anymore...

either way i completely understand.

KANYE ATTACKS!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:32:00 +0000

"Kanye attacks!"- that is actually on myspace right now, where you can click to see the "attack" video. since when is Kanye West breaking a camera categorized in the same as a tiger ripping someones face apart? how wide is the range of events that can be described as an attack?

is it like any thing from a musician or little known celebrity breaking any kind of photography equipment to a savage wolf pack attack that kills 1 to 200 people?

that's a wide range.

apparently me squashing the mosquito that was flying around my head earlier was a savage attack!

thank you myspace, you continue to teach me so much.

Text Messages With Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:33:00 +0000

i don't just pray to him, i text him. and this is just one of many interesting conversations via texting i've had with The Savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus: sup
me: sup Jesus
Jesus: what u up 2? jk, i kno lol
me: ha yea what u doin?
Jesus: chillin'...dad's bein annoying
me: that sux
Jesus: ya i saw u today...nice shirt LOL!
me: wtf??
Jesus: jk rofl
me: stop playin' Jesus!
Jesus: k, i got 2 go.
me: cool later
Jesus: laterz!

Penguins To The Misrepresentation

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:25:00 +0000

i just finished reading the childrens book "Penguins to the Rescue" and i have to say... it was a load of crap. besides lacking a good plot and having poorly developed characters, i really feel like the whole book is a lie. the penguins in the book don't even rescue anyone! there's this baby seal that's lost from his mother and they jump around and entertain him until his mother comes back. how is that a rescue? that's not a rescue, that's distracting someone until they are rescued by someone else. there's a big difference!

next time i'm so bored that i'm willing to read a book originally intended for 3-6 year olds, i will definitely be avoiding all the books by this author. and if this is ever made into a movie i will not be going to the movie theater to see it. so don't even think about it Dreamworks!

man, disappointing childrens books really make me peeved!

The Only Labor Allowed Today...

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 21:01:00 +0000

... is people working to build a city on rock & roll!

whether you like this song or not(i'm guessing not, but who knows, people like Ashley Tisdale, so anythings possible), the video is filled with hilarious stuff like giant dice, a singing Abe Lincoln statue and much more. i can't stop watching it. it's the 80's at it's best and definitely worth a watch.

We Built This City (On Rock and Roll) - Starship

My Presidential Campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:17:00 +0000

here is a little video i made back when the primary's were still going on and Hillary was still in the race and all that. i had to give up my presidential campaign but perhaps you would like to see some of my ideas that would have been put into place if i had ended up elected into office.

i know it kinda sucks there is only text and a song behind it but i don't own a camera. so sorry about all the reading.

Raising The Bar

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 21:32:00 +0000

a new show is premiering soon called Raising The Bar. starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar as a lawyer. that's right Zach Morris became a lawyer. he must have started paying attention in class or something.

that sounds cool and all, but what i'm really looking forward to is Lowering The Fatality starring Mr. Belding as a doctor who never gives up.

Mr. Belding: don't you die on me!!!! CLEAR!!!
*patient's heart beat returns*
Mr. Belding: it's all in a day's work...

Chuck Norris - Jesus' Ranger

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:40:00 +0000

did you know Chuck Norris is a Christian? yeah, i didn't either until i was randomly browsing his wikipedia page one day. it got me thinking though, what would Chuck Norris telling someone about Jesus be like? something tells me anyone who rejects his invitation to the faith is immediately roundhouse kicked into eternal salvation.

accept Jesus or accept the physical punishment from Chuck Norris. it's your choice.

The Earth Is Flat!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 22:54:00 +0000

at least according to The Flat Earth Society it is. holy crap i can't believe this is an actual website. http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/forum/

some gems from their FAQ's include stuff like this:

Q: "Is this site for real?"

A: This site is real. There are people who seriously believe the Earth is flat. However, there are also people on this site who do not.

Q: "Why do the all the world Governments say the Earth is round?"

A: It's a conspiracy

Q: "Why doesn't water run off the Earth?"

A: There is a vast ice wall that keeps the water where it is. The ice wall is roughly 150ft high. This also explains why you can find a vast plane of ice when you travel south.

Q: "Why has no-one taken a photo of the Earth that proves it is flat?"

A: The government prevents people from getting close enough to the Ice Wall to take a picture.

Q: "How are the world governments organized enough to carry out this conspiracy?"

A: They only appear to be disorganized to make the conspiracy seem implausible.

Q: "What's underneath the Earth?" aka "What's on the bottom?" aka "What's on the other side?"

A: This is unknown. Some believe it to be just rocks, others believe the Earth rests on the back of four elephants and a turtle.

My News Rundown

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:56:00 +0000

surprisingly, these are all real news headlines from the previous 7 days or so (including some from today)

"Mom arrested for letting 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar"

in her defense, she was way too high on cocaine to safely drive to a bar. she was doing the responsible thing. who else but her 12 year old daughter was supposed to drive her there? sure, there was her gang leader, but he has things to do.

"Police officer faces 30 days in jail for pulling over a woman to give her his phone number"

Ma'am, do you know how fast you were driving through my heart?

"Police bust noisy preschool party"

an eye witness reports seeing one preschooler yell "it's the cops!" followed by most of the party goers fleeing on their tricycles.

"College Presidents call for lower drinking age"

college students call "woohooo!" and pass out.

Are You Ready To Rock?

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 22:49:00 +0000

i'm thinking of starting a band. i can't sing, i play no instrument, and in general have no musical talent. so i'm thinking i'll be heavily played on the radio and VH1.

my biggest issue at this point is coming up with an awesome name for my rock band. tell me what you think about the following band names i've come up with so far:

- Black Bunny Death Field
- We Cried During The Notebook
- Constipation
- The Band That Would Have Been Named The Police But It Turns Out There Has Already Been A Considerably Well Known Band By That Name
- Hey, We're Better Than Creed

my personal favorite is Constipation.
"Hello, we are Constipation. are you ready to rock Detroit?!!"

Sickness Explosion!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 02:25:00 +0000

i'm not one to toot my own horn, but if that title doesn't get you a little bit interested in what i have to say than nothing will. so *toot toot* .

right now i'm feeling under the weather. i've had a headache all day. it feels like my head is going to explode into 20 pieces after which 10 pieces form back together again into a head half the size of my previous head and then re-attache itself to my body making me look like some kind of mutated disproportionate sea creature who devours kids at summer camp.

other than that my nose has leaked enough fluids in the last 12 hours to fill a swimming pool the size of the one in China that Michael Phelps keeps dominating in. and yes, people from other nations, i unneccesarily mentioned our domination in swimming in a post completely unrelated to that subject just because i wanted to rub your noses in it. i would apologize but the shine from Michael Phelps' gold medals is distracting me from caring about whether i'm being a jerk or not.

well to summarize my delusional rant: toot toot. i feel like crap. Michael Phelps is better than you.

Pure Action : Badminton

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 23:23:00 +0000

below is a clip from the 2004 Olympics, during a badminton game. (note: only watch if you can handle the excitement of badminton, those with high blood pressure are not advised to watch this clip, any deaths are not my responsibility)

some things i often find myself saying while i'm watching Olympic badminton on tv are:

-holy crap! this is exciting!

-i gotta pee, but i don't want to miss anything

-my eyes are not worthy!

-if the Americans don't win a medal, they shouldn't be let back in the country, badminton is too damn important!

-woooo!

2008 Olympic Pictures & Lesser Known Games

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:03:00 +0000

"we're gonna kill the teletubbies, hehehe!"

"hey look dad, ANOTHER asian person. where the hell are we?!"

i was watching some Olympic badminton late last night...i didn't even know that was an Olympic sport.

some more lesser known Olympic games you may not know about include:

-Naked Twister
-The Quiet Game (the second half of Penn and Teller is the reigning champion in this event)
-Russian Roulette (as you can imagine there is no bronze or silver medals in this event)

It's Always Sunny

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 18:50:00 +0000

if you don't watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you're missing out on one of the funniest shows on tv.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

the new season (season 4) starts September 18 and i can't wait.

it's about 5 people who work and own a bar in philly. they're all basically horrible people. it's hilarious the messed up things they do.

The Rick Rolled Epidemic

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 03:23:00 +0000

i know most of the time i just joke around and post Mr. T videos on here, but if i could, i would like to take a moment and talk about something serious.

the Rick Rolled epidemic that is sweeping our country, nay, our planet.

it must be stopped, and that is only possible if we work together. if you have been, or know someone who has been Rick Rolled, you know how serious this is. and the long term effects it has on a person.

symptoms of being Rick Rolled include:
-sudden outburst
-depression
-and sometimes death(not usually)

but you don't have to go through being Rick Rolled, there are ways to prevent it from happening to you, like:
-don't click on links when you don't know for sure where they lead
-don't listen to your friends who are obviously buttholes when they assure you it's safe to click on that link
-use a condom...no, wait, that's the wrong cause. sorry.

i hope you are now fully informed, and i really hope Bono returns my call about doing a commercial/song about this worthy cause.

help stop this horrible epidemic, help save the world, don't get Rick Rolled. (now picture Bono saying that. it just sounds better coming from him, i know.)