Several years back, our church had something called, “Prayer in the Park” where we would go to a local park one night a week in the summer to pray over our city, church and whatever else was on our hearts.  My husband and I would always go, and I would just pray silently to myself.  One night the only people who went were my two pastors, my husband and myself.  I suddenly felt panicked.  Then, after they pulled out a list of things to pray for, I REALLY felt panicked!  When they announced that we would go around in a circle and take turns praying for everything, I just wanted to run away.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.

When it was my turn, I would just pass it along to my husband each time, because I couldn’t make myself do it.  Now if there’s ever a time that you’re going to pray when asked to, it’s when your pastors are right there waiting for you to do it!  My mind kept going blank, and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.  I know it must have really looked like I just didn’t feel like praying, but on the inside I was paralyzed with fear.  I didn’t even know how to make up a prayer.  Not that anyone wanted me to make one up, but I couldn’t even fake a real prayer by reciting something I knew would be the “right thing” to say.  Nothing would come out.  I felt paralyzed with fear.  So many times, situations like this would happen, and I’m sure it looked like I just didn’t care.  No one but my husband (who is as outgoing as it gets) knew the trepidation I was experiencing.

This is just one example of something that has happened to me many, many times.  It goes so far back, that I can remember examples of it happening to me in elementary school.  Especially when put on the spot, my mind would just go blank.  This stopped me from participating in ministries that I would have otherwise been a part of, and it also affected some of my relationships.  Those of you who know my husband know that he is very outgoing.  He always wanted to pray with me, but he could never understand why I wouldn’t pray out loud with him.  I didn’t grow up praying out loud in front of people, so learning how to do this was especially excruciating for me.  He thought I was just resisting him, when I was really unable to.  He thought I just didn’t care enough, when I wanted to more than anything…I just didn’t know how to force it out of my mouth.  The anxiety it caused me was enough to risk us getting into an argument about it (again!) rather than just force myself to pray with him.  I just felt completely gripped with fear.

It’s amazing to think about now, because I started attending our church’s Altar Worker team trainings in 2010 in hopes to become an altar worker.  I had the sense that I needed to become an altar worker in order to do what God wanted me to do in the future.  Becoming an altar worker was the first step, and I knew this deep down in my heart.  The only problem at the time was…I was petrified!  I didn’t know how I was going to pray for people, even though I had spent years sowing God’s Word into my heart.  It was all in there, but I just didn’t know how to relax enough so my mind wouldn’t freeze up when I tried to pray.  My husband leads this ministry, so I decided I would go to all of the trainings and just hope that I could force myself to get over the fear.  I’m so glad I did this, because little did I realize that I would be delivered from this fear and extreme anxiety a few months after I started going to the trainings.

So, with that little bit of background, here is my testimony…

My husband and I went to a healing and freedom conference at Gateway Church in Texas early last year.  We were incredibly excited to go, and I had my list of things that I was hoping to be delivered from.  Fear, anxiety and shame were not on that list, but I would have to say that the work God did in my heart that weekend focused mainly around these three things.  It’s amazing how God works.  I had fasted for 3 weeks beforehand (during a church-wide fast) right before I went, and I had specifically asked God to deliver me of a few things.  God had His own agenda, though, which was better than my own.

To be honest, I didn’t realize that I still had shame that I needed to be set free from.  Fear and anxiety were two things that I had ALWAYS felt for as long as I could remember, so I didn’t even think to be delivered from them.  I knew they weren’t part of who God created me to be, but I just figured that I was just going to have to one day learn to be strong enough to break through it.  I just thought it was something I was going to have to always deal with and just learn how to conquer somehow.

During KAIROS, they had a short teaching and time of ministering for several topics, including shame. I didn’t realize it at the time, but God cleaned so much shame out of me that day.  I didn’t realize how much of it was in me until it was gone.  I realized at that point that I had felt unworthy to minister to others due to the sin (pornography) I willfully participated in a few years back.  It’s one thing to participate in something like that before you are saved, but it takes on a whole new level of shame when you get caught up in a trap like this after you have given your life to Christ – and it makes it a whole lot tougher to get out if you think you can’t tell anyone.

One way they ministered to me that day was especially powerful.  They had a clear jar of water up front, and everyone was invited to come up and take some of the water, using it as a symbol of the cleansing (purity) God offers us.  I went up there not really feeling anything in particular, but as soon as it was my turn I just knew in my heart what I wanted to do.  I put some water on my eyes, ears and hands.  The Holy Spirit was speaking so clearly to me that He had cleansed me from all of my shame from my past.  He cleansed me from all of the things I had touched, looked at and heard that I never should have.  It was like I could feel Him showing me that I was clean.  God cleared out so much residual shame out of me that day, and I suddenly felt worthy of God’s love and worthy for Him to use me to minister to others.

The incredible thing is, I don’t even know when I was delivered of fear that weekend…but I was!  I think some of it went with the shame I had been feeling.  A couple months after the conference, I was an altar worker at our church for the first time.  I was really nervous, but I did it!  I never would have been able to do that before. I am so glad that I stepped out in faith before I was delivered, because God backed me up and blessed me for it.

I still feel fear when praying for people sometimes, but it’s not the crippling kind I used to feel.  I’m able to push through it, regardless of how nervous I may feel.  My mind doesn’t freeze up like it used to, and that is a true testimony to God’s delivering power!  Now, all of the scriptures and things I planted in my heart can come out.  Before, they were locked inside without any way for me to even access them – unless I was by myself (with no fear).

I am trusting that as I continue to obey God in this area that the fear I still sometimes feel will begin to get smaller and smaller until it doesn’t phase me anymore.  Sure, I know I will get nervous sometimes, but that is so different from the paralyzing fear I had before.  Remember I said that I felt like I needed to become an altar worker in my church first, in order to follow what God would have for me someday later?  Little did I realize was that my husband and I would be starting a Freedom Ministry in our church (in response to going to KAIROS) just months after we went to Texas.  Now I pray for the women in my church all the time, which is something I never would be capable of doing if I wasn’t delivered of all that fear!  God’s timing often isn’t our own, but His timing is always perfect.

Do you ever feel paralyzed by fear?

If you deal with paralyzing fear, surrender the situation to the Lord, and be willing to say “yes” to whatever He says to your heart.  This is not something that God wants you to just “deal with” the rest of your life.  Overwhelming fear is not from God. It is His will for you to be set free! Deliverance and healing is not always something instantaneous, and it’s certainly all in God’s timing. We serve an awesome God!

Sometimes God delivers us quickly; other times (most often) it’s more gradual.  Layer by layer, He restores us to be the people He created us to be.  In this instance, God delivered me very quickly of so much fear, anxiety and shame.  The remainder of the residue left over is something that I’m walking out slowly.  I’m am learning to trust God in this process, and I praise Him for His faithfulness!

You can easily subscribe by e-mail or RSS feed if you like.  Both of these options are available on my home page if you do not subscribe already.  I post something new every Monday, so you would receive an e-mail every Monday with a new post.  I also just created a page on Google+ (I think!), and I’m really not sure how that all works yet…but I’m working on that! You should be hopefully be able to find me on there if you look up my blog.

If you don’t subscribe to my blog, now would be a great time to do so!   If you aren’t a regular blogger and don’t know what I mean by RSS feed, just let me know and I’ll send you a quick e-mail with easy instructions.

Have a wonderful rest of your week!  See you on Monday.

Deliverance was something I always thought was a big joke, to say the least.  I thought it was all a hoax.  When the word “deliverance” was mentioned, it always reminded me of the movie, The Exorcist, that came out years ago.  I just thought that the subject of demons and anything related to it all was just something that Hollywood invented. I have since learned otherwise.  The bible is filled with examples of Jesus casting demons out of people.

Deliverance is one of the ways Jesus ministered to others.

Jesus spent a great deal of time healing and delivering people from demonic spirits and sent the disciples out with power and authority to do the same thing.  I believe that same call is on the church today.

“And these signs will accompany those who believe: In My name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well. After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, He was taken up into heaven and He sat at the right hand of God. Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed His word by the signs that accompanied it” (Mark 16:17-20).

“Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness” (Matthew 10:1).

Deliverance sets us free from anything (demons, offenses, wounds, trauma, rejection, anger, fear, sickness) that has kept us from experiencing true freedom in Christ and becoming the person He created us to be.

As I mentioned in the last post, Christians cannot be possessed by demons, because we belong to Christ and are His possession.  Many Christians are oppressed by demons, though, whether they realize it or not.  I worked as a social worker with the chronically mentally ill for several years, and I can now recognize that much of what I saw may have been demonic.  To me, this explains one reason why some therapy and medications just do not work, despite great efforts made by everyone involved.  I believe the same thing regarding those “mystery” illnesses people have. You cannot medicate or counsel a demon away.  A person needs to be delivered of them. This is not to say that everything is demonic, but I believe much of it is.

These are some possible signs of demonic oppression or torment:

• Strongholds (any thought pattern that controls our emotions and behavior)
• Recurring nightmares
• Feeling a constant compulsion to do something you know is a sin
• Irrational fear, anxiety, anger
• Irrational behavior
• Constant feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, suicidal thoughts
• Frequent sickness – especially those “mystery” illnesses that doctors cannot find the origin for.
• Sexual compulsions

There are a few main ways that we give “legal” rights to the enemy (by going against God’s Word):

1. Sexual contact outside the covenant of marriage.
2. Unrepentant anger, fear, unforgiveness, strongholds, traumatic events, soul ties.
3. Any involvement in the occult, idolatry.
4. Generational inheritance

Now for the good news…Jesus can set us free!

* As a side note, please understand that I’m writing this series to give an explanation of what demonic oppression and deliverance is, but this should not be something that becomes your main focus!  When I read my first book about demonic oppression and deliverance about 10 years ago, I started thinking that there was a demon behind everything.  That’s just not true.  My focus shifted from Jesus to demons. Whatever we think about the most is what we move towards.  I want to move towards Jesus, not satan.  Yes, I believe it’s important to be aware of satan’s tactics and ways we can become free, but it shouldn’t take our focus off of Jesus.  For the purpose of this specific series though, I will be talking mainly about the demonic aspect of things so I can introduce the topic of deliverance as clearly as I can.

As I mentioned above, setting people free from demons was one of the ways that Jesus ministered to others.  There is no cookie-cutter process for deliverance, but I wanted to explain some important aspects that go along with it.

First of all, as always, it is very important to ask God to forgive you for any sins that you have committed.  Also, ask God to bring to your mind anyone that you have not forgiven – and then make the choice to forgive them.  This is crucial if you want to receive healing and/or deliverance.  What my husband and I do in the Freedom Ministry is ask people to write down every offense that they can (prayerfully) think of and then list how that offense made them feel.  All of these offenses, along with the feelings that go with them, are all confessed out loud to God.  For example: “I forgive Elizabeth for spreading lies about me, even though it made me feel hurt, embarrassed, angry and foolish.  I relinquish my right to revenge and ask You to heal my damaged emotions.  I now ask you to bless those who have hurt me.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.”  Many people receive healing and/or deliverance just by forgiving people they have held unforgiveness towards!

Since Jesus commanded us to forgive others, we give satan an “open door” to wreak havoc in our lives if we do not.  Forgiveness is NOT saying that what the other person did was right or insignificant anymore.  It’s making the decision to give the situation up to God and release them from the “debt” they owe you. Forgiveness is often not easy, but once you choose to forgive you are essentially allowing God to heal your heart.

Second, true repentance needs to take place for all the sins that you have committed.  Lack of true repentance (along with unforgiveness) is something that often prohibits people from receiving healing and deliverance.  All sin needs to be truly repented of (giving it up completely and turning back to God).  This is more than just being sorry for what you’ve done.  Repentance is not feeling remorse or regret. Repentance is taking those feelings of remorse and regret and turning your back on what you know is a sin.  This cannot be done in your own power!  Only the Holy Spirit can help you truly repent for habitual sins in your life.

Next, a person needs to renounce (verbally break all  agreement with) all past sins in his/her life.  These steps are taken to close all of the “doors” that have been opened to satan. Deliverance is (for visual people such as myself!) the process of kicking everything out of your house (body) that doesn’t belong and closing the door so they can’t come back.

After deliverance, it is crucial to renew your mind with who you are in Christ.  Learn to take every thought captive, and reject any lies that you have believed.  It is crucial to maintain your freedom and not fall back into the same things you were delivered from.  Luke 11:24-26 tells us that we will end up worse off than we were in the first place if we allow ourselves to get stuck in the same habitual sin again.  If you are not born again, or not sure if you are, you do not want anyone ministering deliverance to you.  If you are not born again, you do not have the power (in Jesus) to keep the demons from tormenting you again. 

Deliverance is very real. Like I said earlier, I used to think it was something that Hollywood made up, but it’s not.  I have been delivered of fear, nightmares, shame and several other things.  I was immediately delivered from some of these things, and other things I have had to walk out (and am still walking out) over a long period of time.  I can say that it’s real, because I have personally experienced it.  This was not a result of my will power finally becoming strong enough, or denial finally kicking in.  I have been set free from many things that I had tried and tried to fix on my own in the past.

In my next 2 posts, I will write about my own personal experience with deliverance.  It was nothing like The Exorcist. My head didn’t spin around, and I didn’t hurt anyone.  I hate to even mention that, but I know that’s what many people’s thoughts of deliverance is.

The whole “process” of deliverance for me mostly consisted of prayer, asking God for forgiveness, repenting of past sins and the sins of my ancestors (Exodus 34:7), and renouncing (breaking ties with) all of these things out loud.  I knew that I had been delivered of some major things when I realized my nightmares were gone and destructive things I had believed for years just vanished.

Next week I am going to post my testimony of how God delivered me from fear, anxiety and shame.  I am so excited about this series, because I want to see other people set free. Plus, it’s always so encouraging to re-visit what God has done in my life.  Thank you, Jesus, for what You do in our lives!

I recommend Neil Anderson’s ”The Bondage Breaker” if you would like more extensive information on demonic oppression and deliverance. His “Steps To Freedom In Christ” is also an excellent workbook that the Freedom Ministry in our church is partly based on. This is something that you can be guided through (preferably) with a trusted Christian Counselor or pastor.

I talk a lot on this blog about my life changing dramatically over the last few years, and much of that is due to being set free from demonic oppression.  I’ve never been sure how to explain all of this on my blog, since it can be a such a complex and sometimes controversial subject, but I finally took the time to write a few posts about it all to share with you what I have learned and experienced first-hand. 

I admit that I have been nervous to write a series like this, because I’m not sure how people will respond to it.  I have finally chosen to write about it all, though, because demonic oppression (along with lack of repentance) is a very real component to why many people are not experiencing the freedom that Christ died for us to have.

If I’m going to write a blog titled, “Walking In Freedom”, then I need to explain how I truly began to walk in freedom!

I pray that you will continue with me through this post and the next while I explain a lot about demonic oppression and deliverance.  When I speak about my life changing in countless ways, this subject is a huge reason why.

Despite the exaggerations and craziness that is sometimes portrayed by the world and media concerning it all (“The Exorcist”, for example), demonic oppression is very real.  My pastors did a message series on this subject a few months ago, and one of their statements has really stuck with me:

The worst kind of captive is a prisoner unaware.

First of all, demons are very real. This may sound like something I’m making up from a horror story, but demons are mentioned all throughout the bible.  If we don’t know that Christ died to set us free from them, will we ever seek deliverance?

I believe that this affects many more people in the church than is often recognized.  While it’s true that Christians cannot be possessed by the devil (since we are Christ’s possession), we are still able to be oppressed by demons.

It’s not only from the outside that satan can attack us – even as Christians.  There are many references in the bible of Jesus casting demons out of people. When we give our lives to Christ, we are not automatically delivered from all of the demons that have afflicted us.  Once we are saved, our spirits are renewed, but we still have our souls (mind, will and emotions) that need renewed.  When we give our lives to Christ and are born again, our souls are not instantly renewed. (Wouldn’t that be nice?!)  This is why we must learn who we are in Christ and work on renewing our minds.  This explains how we can have the Holy Spirit inside of us yet still have demons that need to go. (Please stick with me! )

I’m not suggesting that we, as Christians, have demons controlling us.  God has given us free will, and the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. Demons do have the ability to oppress us, though.  We are all in a spiritual battle that we may not be able to see, but is very real.

Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms”.

I know that this is a subject that many people are very suspicious of, depending on what your background is, and I understand that.  Even mentioning the word “demon” probably makes a lot of people uneasy.  It’s mentioned throughout the bible, though, which settles the matter for me.

I am hoping that you will stick with me in this post and the ones following, because this is not just something that I have learned in a book.  This is something that I have been studying for several years, but it is also something that I have personally experienced, so I know how real it is.  My life has changed in so many areas since using my authority in Christ to be set free.

What are some signs of demonic oppression or torment?

• Strongholds (any thought pattern that controls our emotions and behavior)
• Recurring nightmares
• Feeling a constant compulsion to do something you know is a sin
• Irrational fear, anxiety, anger
• Irrational behavior
• Constant feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, suicidal thoughts
• Frequent sickness - especially those “mystery” illnesses that doctors cannot find the origin for.
• Sexual compulsions

Those are just a few examples of how demonic oppression/torment might be recognized in our lives.  The good news is, Jesus came to set us free!  It’s important to know that we don’t need to fear the devil if Jesus is our Savior.  Malachi 4:2-3 says, “But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves. Then you will trample on the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I act,” says the LORD Almighty.

When I first learned about demonic oppression years ago, I started thinking that everything was demonic.  That’s just not so.  It’s far more common than many people realize, though.  This is why I’m writing this post.

Many people are in bondage, and they don’t realize that they are being held down by demonic oppression.

How do people become oppressed by demons?  There are a few main ways that we let the enemy into our lives.

1. Sexual contact outside the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman.
2. Unrepentant anger, fear, unforgiveness, strongholds, traumatic events, soul ties.
3. Any involvement in the occult, idolatry.
4. Generationally inherited

What do we do if we suspect demonic oppression in our lives?  Join me next week as I write about the topic of deliverance: Deliverance: Truth or Hoax?

I recommend any of Neil Anderson’s books for anyone who may want additional info. that goes beyond the scope of what I have explained in this post.  There is so much to this topic, and he does a great job at going into a lot of easily understood detail about it all.  He focuses on biblical aspects of healing, deliverance, bondage and many other subjects all relating to the freedom that Jesus died for us to have.  I am also open to any comments or questions that you may have!

Somewhere along the way, sugar became an idol to me.

I have craved sugar almost every day over the last few years. I always attributed this to being insulin resistant, because persistently high insulin (followed by a sugar crash) causes sugar cravings. God revealed something else to me during my fast, though… I have consumed sugar time and time again to bring me joy and comfort (ouch!). That’s a difficult thing to admit to myself, let alone anyone else.

I cut sugar (except for fruit) and most carbohydrates out of my diet for the fast. Without sugar, I was forced to deal with my feelings much more often. I would find myself upset at something and suddenly craving a Snickers Bar.  (I’m not kidding!) All of the feelings that I felt each day were just so raw.

I had no idea that I used food so much to stifle the uneasiness that I felt stirring in my soul.

I have read and done the study “Made To Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst (and I am doing the study online now!), so I already knew that this was an issue for me.  I have dealt with issues with sugar for awhile due to the insulin resistance I have.  I had no idea WHY I was turning to these foods, though, until God showed me a few weeks ago just how dependent (emotionally and physically) I had become to sugar.  When I cut out the sugar, my body revolted against my decision.  I had terrible headaches and felt depressed off and on for days. This is when I began to realize that sugar had become an idol in my life.

I’ve noticed time and time again that I start craving sugary foods when I feel frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed or sad.  This is when I need to be praying, instead of turning to food!  This has slowly been getting easier for me as the weeks go by.  I really had no idea how much I turned to sweets until I stopped eating them.

A symptom of a bigger issue

I knew I had to make a decision about what I was going to do about eating sugar once my fast was over.  I have decided to continue not eating it…for now.  For how long?  I don’t know.  I need some more time before I’m going to start eating sugar again, though. I know it’s not really about the sugar, itself.  I need to deal with the root of this problem (turning to something other than God to meet my emotional needs), because sugar consumption is just a symptom of the bigger problem at hand.  If I just cut sugar out of my diet and don’t deal with the root issue, I am just going to end up replacing the sugar with something else. That’s the last thing I want to do.

I have also been standing in faith for awhile now that God is going to heal me of the insulin resistance/PCOS, and I am believing that this is all a puzzle piece to my healing.  I am holding on firm to that!

Philippians 4:13 so clearly says, “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.“, and I’m standing on this scripture (along with several others along the way) to help me through this battle.  God does not take idols in our lives lightly.  Looking back, I had been hearing and reading about idols a lot over the last couple of months.  I see now how He was preparing my heart for this time.

I am surrendering this idol to Jesus and not looking back.  Will I walk this out perfectly?  Maybe not.  I realize though, that perfection is not my goal.  Learning to lean on Him for everything is.

Thank you, Jesus, for not leaving me where I am, but helping me every step along the way – as long as I turn towards You. This may not be an easy journey (and certainly not a perfect one!), but I will look to You to guide and encourage me as I strive to become healthier – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

For many years, I never understood the difference between knowing about Jesus and actually knowing Him.  If someone would have asked me if I was a Christian years ago, I would have certainly told them, “Yes”.  I grew up going to church.  What I didn’t realize for so long, is there is a difference between knowing someone and knowing about them.  For instance, I know who the president is, but I do not have any kind of relationship with him.
Matthew 7:21  “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven”.

When I lived in the Philadelphia area, I attended a bible college for a year.  I distinctly remember a dream that I had when I was going to school there, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.  I had a dream that I had a final exam for one of my classes, and the room was very quiet.  All of a sudden, a man walked into the room and broke my concentration.  I noticed that many of the people in my class were really excited and immediately got up to speak to this man, even though they had not finished their exams.  In my dream, I was thinking, “Why is this guy here?  He’s totally distracting me, and I need to finish my test!”  I sat there trying to finish, as more and more people got up from their seats to speak to this man.  I couldn’t figure out who could be so important for everyone to stop taking their finals.  After sitting there getting more and more angry, I finally decided to go over and see what was so interesting.  Then I realized who He was…

That man was Jesus!

John 17:3 “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent”.

Here I was, in my dream, taking a test on “spiritual” things, and I didn’t even recognize Jesus when He walked in the room!  I knew a lot about Him, but I didn’t even recognize Him when I saw Him.  I believe that God used that dream to wake me up into realizing that I was doing a lot of good things for Him, but I wasn’t spending any time with Him, which is what He really wants.

At that time of my life, I was so busy doing “good” things.  I was involved in my church, went to bible school, involved in church groups, etc.  That did NOT make me a Christian, though!  What makes someone a Christian is trusting Jesus as his/her Lord and Savior and having a relationship with Him.  It was after this dream that I realized I was doing a lot of things that seemed “good”, but I was not spending any quality time in prayer.  I was not spending any time getting to know Jesus better.  This reminds me of my son, Joshua.  He likes when I do things for him, but what he really wants is for me to spend quality time with him.  I continually have to “check” myself in this area, because it’s so easy to be busy doing things that seem “good” and forget to spend personal time in prayer with Him, also.

I’m sure almost everyone who reads this knows who Jesus is. Even someone who’s never been to church could probably name where He was born, what His mother’s name was, among many other facts.  Maybe you haven’t been to church since you were a child.  Maybe you’ve never been to church.  Maybe you’ve gone to church every Sunday since you can remember.  Perhaps you have a Master’s Degree in Divinity.

You could be a bible scholar, though, and not even really know Jesus.

You’ve probably done a lot of “good” things in your life. That’s what makes God happy with us, right?  Sure, God likes it when we do “good” things, but that doesn’t get us into Heaven.  Trusting Him as our Lord and Savior and turning away from our sins are the only things that will make you right with Him.  Leaning on, trusting in and relying on Him is what makes us right with Him. We can only know what this new way of living is all about if we read His Word. It cannot be about what we “think” He is like or what He “should” be like.  We learn who He is from the bible, not our traditions or intuition.

For years I thought Christianity was stuffy and boring.  I thought it was all about being fake and trying to follow impossible rules.  Real Christianity is anything but that.  If you’ve never read my testimony of when I finally gave my life to Jesus (after years of going to church), you can read it here: My First Love

Do you have a personal relationship with Him?

If you don’t, you need to. He loves you, no matter what you’ve done in your life.  He wants to have a relationship with you!

Your eternity depends on it!

Maybe you DO have a relationship with Jesus.  I challenge you to examine your life to make sure that you are not mistakenly confusing your “good works” with spending time with Him.  They are two very different things.

Romans 10:9-10, 13 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved;  for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Thank You, Jesus, that You desire each of us to spend eternity with You.  You are not a cold and distant God.  You want so much to have a relationship with us, and that shows how much of a personal God You really are.  Thank You, Jesus, for extending Yourself and wanting to have such a personal relationship with each of us.  I love You!

Last year, my husband and I finished the fast and flew to Texas a few days later for a freedom/healing conference. I had no idea how much healing was going to take place in my life that weekend, and I truly believe the fast helped to prepare the way for it all. In all honesty, the fast was miserable for me! Not the food part, but all of the emotional stuff that came up during the fast. I was looking forward to hearing all of these wonderful things from God, but what I experienced was so completely different. I found myself almost constantly offended, angry, hurt (very hurt), confused, feeling rejected, etc. Despite the craziness, I know that God used that time to get a lot of junk out of my heart and prepare me for the coming year.

I’ve been stepping out in ways that I never have before, and not everyone is going to like or support that. I’m truly starting to “get” that trusting in God and in HIS approval is really all that’s important. I’m also learning that while freedom may sometimes come quickly as a result of deliverance, it is something that needs to be maintained. More often than not, new freedom gained will mean something that I attain gradually and steadily throughout my life. There will always be setbacks, and that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve failed. It means I’m learning to trust in God over my flesh.

Am I going to rely on my flesh to make me happy, or will I rely on Jesus? I honestly have to say that as this past year has gone on, I’m realizing that I have trusted in my flesh more. That is something that has currently been on my heart, and I guess I’m seeing myself (and my actions) in a new light. It’s like God has turned the spotlight on what I go to for comfort and happiness. I thought it was Him, but I’m realizing it’s not always Him I turn to. This is all a good revelation, though, because I know I will be closer to Him in the end.

Since our church will be fasting for the first 3 weeks in January, I have opted to not write on my blog during that time, also. If there’s anything that I spend time doing that I could cut out, it’s time on the computer. I’ve managed to cut this time down considerably over the last year, but it still is what comes to mind when I’m going on a fast. I’m not cutting it all out completely, but I’m going to stop writing for that time period.

I have some future posts planned that I wanted to share with you. These are some upcoming posts that I will begin publishing when I come back:

• Demonic Oppression: Is It Real?
• Deliverance: Truth or Hoax?
• Deliverance testimonies of both my own and a friend’s testimony of freedom
• I am also writing a post about God delivering me very s-l-o-w-l-y- in certain areas of my life.  Sometimes (most times, probably) you just have to walk it out slowly, while God heals all of the layers of your heart.  This takes time.

These are just some of the posts that I have started and have yet to finish! It seems like the way I write is by starting several posts at one time, and then I finish them all later. I don’t know why, but that’s the way my mind works!

I hope you all have a wonderful beginning to the new year coming up, and I will see you on Monday, January 23rd. Feel free to send me any e-mails if you like, because I will be still checking my e-mail during that time.

My quiet time with Him is always in the morning before anyone else gets up.  That’s the only consistent time that seems to work out before one of the kids gets up!  Lately, I’ve been noticing that my heart is yearning for so much more of Him.

I want to go deeper with Him.  I know that there is no limit to the depth of our relationship.  I want to experience a deeper intimacy with Him.  A deeper knowledge of Him.  A deeper revelation of His love for me.

I want more of Him.

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back.  Like maybe I’m afraid of making myself vulnerable.  It’s such a vulnerable feeling when I really feel “seen” by Him.  I feel so flawed next to Him, but I know that’s not what He’s looking at.  I want to feel full of the His Spirit when I spend time with Him.  I want to be filled to overflowing.

Lately I have even sat in the quiet, very still, hoping to sense Him there with me like I’ve never known before.

I just want more.  A whole lot more.

I know that this is a good place to be.  I know that as I continue to hunger for Him and seek more of Him, He will draw closer to me.  I want to know Him in a way that I never thought was possible.  I want to be connected like never before.  I want to experience an intimacy with Him that I’ve never known.

I want to go deeper, and I look forward to Jesus revealing Himself to me in a new way!

There is no depth to Him.  There is always more.  I am expectantly waiting as I draw closer to Him.

I love you, Jesus!

As she says in her testimony, Liz has dealt with many fears for most of her life.  She would undoubtedly tell you that fear has always been a huge issue in her life.  God gave Liz an incredible revelation the other night at our church’s praise & worship service, and I asked her permission to share it with you.  I know you will be blessed…

I had always had God in my life. He gave me the amazing ability to see something positive in the most horrible situations. I knew Jesus was my Savior, and I had lots of love! I went to church, and I tried to be a good person. Honest, caring, generous, and loving. At least I thought I was. I thought I was a good Christian. But every time I heard the call to raise my
hand and ask Jesus into my life, I would wonder if I needed to. I was never sure I was going to heaven. “How do you know if you are truly saved?” I asked myself. I walked out of church with a better understanding, and sometimes I even thought that I heard something I should change about myself.

However, I had never read the bible, and the one time I tried, I got nothing out of it. I could have been reading Korean. I wasn’t learning how to live right. God was there, but I never KNEW him! I couldn’t stand “bible pushers”. I thought they got a little too carried away! I mean I really thought if Jesus died for my sins, and I would be forgiven no matter what, then what was the big deal? I guess what I didn’t realize was, you have to ask for forgiveness, and mean it! You have to try to stop sinning, because if you know God, really know God, you don’t want to sin!

I find my life being consumed by God. It is what I wake up thinking about. I go to bed thanking him. I pray in the shower, while I do dishes or run my errands. He comes up in every conversation, and I smile when I think about how awesome his love is for me! It’s like falling in love, except I expect this feeling to last, as long as I keep it alive! I talk about him like he is in the room, and I want EVERYONE to feel how amazing it feels to have an honest relationship with our Creator.

Last night during our church’s, “Friday Night Fire” I had this insane revelation. While singing Chris Tomlin’s, “Our God is Greater” I realized I have nothing to fear!

“And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?”

What could stand against me, if I have our Maker, the creator of ALL things in me? What could ever hold me down, why should I ever be afraid?

Don’t get me wrong. Being free from fear doesn’t mean being free from common sense or caution. God gave us the ability to be smart and use reason, and we should. Just because I have God on my side, doesn’t mean I should put myself in dangerous situations!

But for the first time in my life, I actually feel free. I have spent my whole, almost 30 years, trapped in my bondage of fear. Fear of getting sick, fear of disaster. Fear of the dark, deer, disappointment, germs, fear of divorce, fear of failure, fear of poverty, fear to let myself look weak, fear of something happening to me preventing me from caring for my children, fear of commitment, fear of rejection, fear of love, fear of being disliked, the paralyzing fear that something would happen to my kids, fear of thunderstorms, the list goes on and on. And today I feel so light. Last night I truly let go, and gave my life to God!

I am sure I will still struggle with some fear, but I will continually remind myself that I don’t need fear, I can let go of anxiety, I am a child of God. I picture Jesus on the cross, and my sin, my fear, my illness, whatever I am struggling with, leaving as Jesus’ blood washes it away. I don’t need anger or fear or resentment, I only need love. I give what I am getting. Love!

I am so blessed by her testimony.  It’s one thing to know we don’t need to fear anything, but it’s an entirely different thing for God to give you a heart revelation of it all.  Revelations like this help to tear down strongholds that have been in our lives for countless years.  Thank you, Jesus, for Your incredible love!  Thank You for knowing each one of us so intimately.  You know exactly what we need to hear to set us free!

You can find Liz over at M0mmas Truth if you’d like to stop over and say hi!

You may be wondering why I’m writing about evacuation plans.  Well…I’m actually leading into the subject of temptation.

What has been your biggest temptation? 

Do you have something that you are continually tempted by, or maybe something specifically that used to be a big temptation for you that doesn’t seem so big anymore?  Maybe you’re someone who is often tempted when you’re tired, bored or lonely? Maybe you’ve been tempted to gossip, lie, steal, go shopping way too much, eat in secret, cheat, act out in anger, look at pornography or refer back to old destructive habits?

Do you have a plan of how you will handle this temptation the next time it presents itself to you?  How will you evacuate the situation?

I’m not talking about being educated about all the right things to do when you’re tempted. Do you have an actual plan in place for when temptation comes?  Jesus was tempted, so we know that temptation will come to us, also.  Just like the fire evacuation plan, it may be too late to come up with a plan if you wait until the fire (temptation) comes.  Don’t wait until it’s too late!

Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows that I used to struggle with the temptation to view pornography.  I also used to have horrible dreams (of a sexual nature) that would happen several times a month.  All it would take would be to see something sexually suggestive or explicit on TV (even just for a second), and I would have one of those dreams, always for 3-4 nights in a row.  I lived in fear of what I would see, because I knew where my mind was headed at night if I saw something I didn’t want to.  I became so careful about everything I watched, looked at and thought about, but it only took one second to ruin it all.  Having those dreams made me feel as though I was leading a double life.  It was horrible, to say the least.

I read someone’s blog a few weeks ago, and she wrote a post about having the same kind of dreams I used to have.  Since reading her post, I have started working on some posts about how I was delivered from these horrific dreams, along with explanations of what demonic oppression is, what deliverance actually is, etc.  There’s one thing I didn’t count on, though…

I had one of those dreams again (after not having any for over a year).

Should it surprise me that I had a dream like that while I’m trying to write a post on my deliverance from them?  No, because that’s how satan works.  John 10:10 says that he comes only to steal, kill and destroy.  It actually makes me even more determined to write this, because I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with these kinds of dreams.

I woke up the other morning surprised, shocked, sad, feeling oppressed, guilty and completely caught off guard.  I didn’t have a plan in place in case I was ever tempted again like I used to be.  I have always remembered my dreams with such clarity, which is fine – unless I have one of those dreams. I knew the rest of my family woudn’t be getting up for another hour or so, so I sat down to pray and read my bible. I rebuked the continual thoughts that I was having, but they weren’t going away. I found myself being tempted in areas that I haven’t experienced in a l-o-n-g time.  Years, really.

When my husband came downstairs later, I told him about my dream, and he prayed with me before he left for church.  I knew that my kids and I wouldn’t be leaving for another hour and a half for church, and I was terrified.  I was so afraid of where my thoughts would lead me.  I know that everyone sins, but for me to fall in this area would be detrimental…in a lot of ways.  After breakfast, I put a movie on for the kids and I went upstairs to pray.  I couldn’t even concentrate, because my mind kept drifting off to my dream. These kind of dreams are horrible, because they completely resemble the pornography I used to look at. And, I feel like I participated in it all, to make things worse, since my dreams are so real.

I found myself tempted to let my mind wander wherever it wanted to go.  I also had fleeting thoughts of looking at porn online again, which I haven’t been tempted to do in years (yes, I’m trying to be very honest here).  I felt completely alone and vulnerable.  I felt like I had no one to hold me accountable, and it scared me.  My mind was racing, and I kept going back and forth in my head about what I was going to do.  I kept speaking out scripture, and I even grabbed a book that contains specific bible promises and started declaring a lot of those scriptures out loud, too.  I didn’t want to grieve God, I didn’t want to hurt my husband, and I was also very afraid of what path it would lead me down if I didn’t run from these temptations.  These temptations were exceptionally powerful that day, and it was almost like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

I suddenly realized that being alone upstairs was a huge mistake, so I went downstairs and spent the remainder of my time at home that morning with my kids.  By the time I got to church, I was feeling a little better, but that time between waking up until I left for church that day felt like a lifetime.  I thank God that I remembered to truly lean on Him, so I did not cave into those temptations.  If I would have tried to do that in my own strength, I would have failed for sure.

So why am I telling you this?

I had not dealt with the temptation to look at pornography for a few years.  I thought I was completely over that.  If any of you are on Facebook, you probably know about some of the pornographic spam that ran rampant recently.  It seems like a LOT of it has been going around lately, and even though I have even been exposed to that a few times, it hasn’t affected me much more than just annoying me.  This is why I was completely caught off guard by the almost irresistible (in my own strength) temptations that came my way the other day.  I didn’t have a plan of what I would do if I ever was in a situation like that, because I thought I was past it all.  I took for granted that satan always comes back to see if you will take his bait.  This is not to say that we are to live in fear – definitely NOT! – but we need to be prepared just in case.

Since this happened the other day, God showed me that I would have been much better off having a plan of how to deal with a situation like that if it ever happened again.  I was foolish enough to think I was past that and would never be bothered by that anymore. I’ve even written posts on here of how to deal with temptation, but when it came right down to it, I almost needed a quick “cheat sheet” in my mind, (rather than an entire post’s worth of stuff) to keep in mind when the temptation actually hit me.

• I learned right away that it was a big mistake for me to be alone.  I just wanted to go upstairs to pray and deal with it all by myself, but it just made everything worse.  My mind was tempted to wander even more when I was by myself, so I went downstairs to be with my kids.
• I also am so glad for the small book of scripture confessions that I have, and I’m going to get one to carry with me wherever I go.  (I’ve been wanting to do that anyhow.)  Speaking those scriptures out loud served as darts against satan’s attacks.  It really helped to see it with my own eyes as I read it out loud, also. My mind was under attack, to put it mildly, so reading long paragraphs from the bible was really difficult.  It was incredibly difficult to concentrate on long sentences when my mind was racing, so I’m grateful to have had the little scriptures book.
• I also need to always remember that it’s not a sin to be tempted.  Jesus was tempted, so we know that it’s not a sin.  I always keep this in mind, because feeling guilty for being tempted will just provoke me to fall even quicker.  Realizing that temptation is not a sin takes the condemnation away once I redirect my thoughts and actions.
• I am so thankful that I have maintained a close relationship with Jesus, because I’m not sure how this all would have turned out otherwise.  This serves as a reminder to always stay close to Him – not out of fear, but out of knowing we are under His protective covering when we stay close to Him.  I am so thankful for His covering.  I am weak in my own strength, but I am strong in Him!
• Finally, I need to share this with someone.  Kevin is my “someone”, because I want him to know what’s going on.  Even if I don’t tell him until later on that night, I know that it’s important for me to tell him.  Satan loves secrets, and he feeds off of them.  I’ve learned first hand how confessing things to someone strips a lot of the power away from satan.

James 5:16 ” Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much”.

So…what is your evacuation plan?

I was in church the other morning singing a song I know well, when a couple words struck my heart like never before:

My Defender

This part of the song was describing God as our Defender.  It’s like the Holy Spirit hi-lighted that name to me, while causing great conviction and joy for me at the same time. Just before church that day, I had been rehearsing a painful situation in my head over and over again (never a good thing to do!). This situation is one that happened several months ago, but I have had such trouble letting it go.  I keep thinking I’m over it, but then it comes up in my mind again.

Without going into too many details, a decision I made awhile back was misrepresented (to many people) by someone I know, and it has made me look really bad. I have never felt like I could defend myself, because of the particular person involved.  It would not go well for me to try to defend myself against this person, so I have not even attempted.  (I actually tried once before, but I ended up looking like a fool, so I’m not planning on going there again.)

I found myself thinking about this again before church the other day, and I found myself saying out loud in the car, ” I have nobody to defend me!” Despite the fact that I had some more forgiving to do, I just wanted so badly to be able to defend myself so people could know the entire story.  Wanting to defend my actions but not being able to has allowed this situation to go on and on in my head with no resolve – until now.

When those words “My Defender” flashed across the screen at church that day, I knew that was the Holy Spirit speaking to me.  He is my Defender!  There are many times that we are not able to defend ourselves, or even when we try to we end up looking like a fool.  Many times we are misrepresented by others and we are made to look like someone we are not, and there’s nothing we can do about it.  There are so many references in the bible when Jesus didn’t defend Himself, and He easily could have.

God has been teaching me that I am not always supposed to defend myself. 

In fact, most of the time I am NOT supposed to defend myself.  It’s not my job to do that.  It’s His.  (I must mention that I am not speaking about any type of abusive situation here. There are times when we MUST defend ourselves for the protection of ourselves and/or loved ones.)

I encourage you to let Jesus be your Defender.  It’s not easy, especially when things don’t happen as quickly as we’d like them to – or even the way we want them to at all.  He is our perfect Defender, and He will bless those who trust in Him.

Psalm 91:1-2 “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 18:1-3 “How I love you, Lord! You are my Defender. The Lord is my Protector; He is my Strong Fortress. My God is my protection, and with Him I am safe. He protects me like a shield; He defends me and keeps me safe.  I call to the Lord, and He saves me from my enemies. Praise the Lord!”.

It seems like I have been particularly aware of some of my regrets lately. I’ ve been quick to think about all of the consequences I’ve had to deal with because of my poor decisions (and blatant sin), and it’s been difficult not to feel condemned.  My choices have also affected my family, and this has brought me such deep grief along with the regret.

Do you have any regrets that you have trouble forgiving yourself for?

We have all made decisions that we wish we could take back.  There are things that we wish we would have done, and other things we wish we wouldn’t have done.  God doesn’t want us to hold onto regrets, though.  He wants us to look ahead to what He has for us in the future.  We are to look ahead with hopeful anticipation, not sorrow or regret.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland”.

Philippians 3:13-14, “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus”.

God chose us, knowing ahead of time that we would make regretful decisions in our lives.  The wonderful news is that it’s not too late!  If you have asked for forgiveness and gotten back on the path that God has for you, it’s not too late.  He still has plans for you.  He still has a destiny for you that only YOU can fulfill!

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them”.

If you love God and follow His ways, then this verse applies to you.  This applies to all of your regrets, also.  He can turn those mistakes (no matter how big!) and cause them to work for your good.  Only Jesus can turn the mistakes of our past into something good!  That still amazes me when I think about it, but it’s so true.

If there has been a regret that you have been holding onto, I encourage you to ask God to forgive you for holding onto that regret for so long.  Ask Him to show you His perspective on that regret.  You may be surprised what He speaks to your heart.

Thank you, Jesus, that you don’t want us to hold onto regrets.  You have provided another way for us.  We are to let go of everything that has weighed our minds down with sorrow, sadness and regret, and give them to You.  Thank you for making all things new and working all things together for good for us who love You.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

This was surprising to me at first, because I went through the book once before, and I made a list (several pages long) of people I needed to forgive.  My husband and I also have a ministry now that focuses heavily on the importance of forgiveness.  I know how important it is to forgive, and the dangers of not forgiving.  Still, there is something that I never realized until reading the “Revenge” chapter of this book the other day.

John Bevere told a story about a woman who said she had forgiven her ex-husband, yet she did not have peace in her heart and felt very uncomfortable when she heard John Bevere preach on this subject.  John Bevere suggested that she still needed to forgive her ex-husband, and she said she had already forgiven him for everything he did to her.  John Bevere suggested that she had not truly forgiven him, because she was waiting for him to pay back a debt that he owed her.  The debt was not a financial one, but one that included admitting he was wrong and she was right.

This was John Bevere’s response to her: “You won’t forgive him until he comes to you and says that he was wrong, that it was his fault, not yours, and then asks for your forgiveness.  This is the unfulfilled payment that has kept you bound.”  He pointed out that although she prayed to forgive him before, she was holding a debt against him.  By doing this, she put herself in the position of a judge – claiming her right to payment.

“There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor” (James 4:12)? 

I did not realize until I read this that there are 2 people in my life that I had not actually forgiven. These are people whom I had already made decisions to forgive, but I still felt like they owed me something.  I thought I had already completely forgiven them, but I began to realize that I had not completely forgiven them yet.  I never realized this until I read that story in the book!

I  should have known that I still had unforgiveness towards them, because anytime either of their names were mentioned – I cringed.  That’s a red flag of unforgiveness, by the way! I just thought that I was still hurt over some circumstances that happened with each of them, so I did not recognize that I was actually still holding onto unforgiveness.  I was holding onto the decision that I would forgive both of them, but hopefully someday each of them would realize their errors and apologize to me.

That’s not forgiveness!  It’s based on self-made conditions…which isn’t the true forgiveness that God commands from all of us.  If we do not forgive others unconditionally, God cannot forgive us.

“For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14-15).

Salvation is the gift that we are given when God forgives us.  We all have sinned against Him in more ways that we could ever account for.  The debt that we owe God is bigger than any debt we could ever pay or any debt that anyone else could ever owe us.  When we turn to Him, ask Him for forgiveness and follow Him, He forgives (cancels) the debt that we owe Him.  In return, we are to do the same for others (and ourselves – if we need to forgive ourselves). 

Is there anyone who came to your mind as you read this? 

I encourage you to take the matter to God and ask if you have truly forgiven this person (or people), or if you still need to forgive them.  God is so gracious and merciful by speaking to our hearts and convicting us when we still have unforgiveness in our hearts. 

Thank you, Jesus, for exposing the hidden things in our hearts.  It’s not easy to look at these ugly things, but you show us these things because You love us and want to clean us out – not to condemn us.  Thank You for speaking to our hearts today.  Please give help each one of us to examine our hearts and forgive, unconditionally, anyone we still need to forgive.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.

This is a powerful song that describes how beautiful God is.  God really spoke to me through this song the first time I heard it.  There’s a part of the song that describes how one day we, as Christians who dedicate our lives to Him, will be united with Him.

He is waiting to be united with us!

I don’t know when Jesus is coming back, or when each of us will be united with Him.  Jesus longs for that day, though! Is that difficult for you to imagine? He LONGS to be with you. Just like a groom longs to be married to his bride and expectantly waits for her. Jesus longs for you to see Him. He longs to be with you and to spend eternity with Him!

Imagine a wedding getting ready to take place… The groom is expectantly waiting to see his bride. He knows that she will look beautiful. She always looks beautiful to him. As the time gets closer and closer, the music starts. The bride finally walks in, and the groom is overwhelmed with desire and love for her. He is overwhelmed with knowing that she will be his. He has been waiting to spend the rest of his life with her, and he knows the time has finally come.

This is how Jesus feels about you!

He is expectantly waiting for you! He longs to be united with you for eternity. He waits for you as an expectant groom waits for his bride. Jesus loves you.

I pray that God gives you a fresh revelation of His love for you when you listen to this song! He’s longing to be with you. (If you are viewing this through a feed or e-mail, you may need to click here to go directly to my website for the song.)

The group organizer called me a few days before I was to speak and told me that after thinking about it more, it wouldn’t be a good time for my testimony, and she asked me not to come.  A few days later I ran into some women from the group, and I found out that the organizer had said she asked me not to come because my testimony would be “too much” for them.  My heart sunk to the ground, and I felt something else that took me days to identify……

Shame.

That old almost too-familiar feeling of shame from my past came creeping back.  I thought I was over it all, until I was told that my testimony was “too much” for these women to hear.  What does “too much” mean?  I spent YEARS keeping my past to myself, because I was afraid that people would reject me, not feel comfortable around me anymore, etc.  Being told that my testimony would be “too much” (especially when I know many of these women) brought back all of those fears again.

Isaiah 50:7 says, “Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame”.

I was not planning on going into all of the specifics that I have on this blog, because some of the women in that group are not even Christians.  I spent so much time preparing what I thought God wanted me to say, though, and I felt so disappointed to be told that she changed her mind.  This was someone who knows me, also, so that made it sting even more.

Shame is something that we were never intended to carry once we make ourselves right with God.  Sometimes we carry shame around for mistakes we made in our past, other times we carry it for things that have happened to us against our will.  Either way, God does not want us to hold onto it, because it is extremely toxic.

Are you carrying around shame from your past?

Often, even our own loved ones remind us of the mistakes we made in our past, as if we are still supposed to be living in shame over what we did.  This is not how Jesus wants us to live. Jesus has commanded us to NOT carry shame from our past.  If you have asked Him to forgive you and turned back to Him, you are to let go of all of your shame.  If you have felt shame due to something that has happened against your will, release it to Jesus, and ask Him to heal you in this area.  Ask Him to show you how He sees you, instead of how you have seen yourself.

“Come, let’s talk this over!” says the Lord; “no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow.  Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool!  If you only let me help you…” (Isaiah 1:18-19 TLB)

In a way, I am grateful now that this situation happened, because it exposed another layer of shame in my heart that I didn’t realize was there.  Thank you, Jesus, for how You work in our lives. Even though it was such a disappointing situation for me, on many levels, I can see how He is working it out for good.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to His purpose”.

I am so grateful for how You see us, Jesus.  It’s so often not the way we see ourselves.  Please forgive us for holding onto toxic shame and give us a revelation of how You truly see us, which is all that really matters.  Thank you, Jesus!