My Quest for Growth

Fitness Friday #5

2012-02-25T15:00:00.001Z

Wow, I had never thought that week 3 would be so hard... I still haven't been able to finish it. Hopefully next week I'll be able to deliver a 'proper' Fitness Friday with week 3 behind me :)

Fitness Friday #4

2012-02-10T19:45:00.000Z

So today, after doing 22, then 30, then 20 and another 20 pushups, I failed day 3 of week 3 by only completing 11 of the 28 minimum pushups fir the last set. In fact, this week was so amazing I'm going to repeat it :D.

Today there will be no fitness tip, due to time constraints.

Numbers:
Push-ups this week: 284
Total push-ups: 902
Program-weeks completed: 2
Total weeks used: 5

Radical Honesty - Day 4

2012-02-04T21:23:00.002Z

On February 1st I started the Radical Honesty trial. My conditions were that I would never lie, but I didn't make any 'rules' about sharing my thoughts all the time -- being radically honest. So during these first four days I tried not to tell a single lie and, as far as I remember, pulled it off quite well.

Since I had no habit of lying before, though, this means that these four days were far from exciting. I had a few moments were I said something I might have otherwise not said, but those were rare and not very rewarding. The point of this trial is not for it to be easy, though. I want to be challenge and get out of my comfort zone. I want to say things that may change the way some people see me, even if it's for the worst.

So this following week I'll make an effort to be even more honest. I know it takes time to get used to and I don't want to rush things, so I'll just follow my intuition on this one.

Fitness Friday #3

2012-02-03T18:10:00.000Z

Awesome, this week was. I was able to finish every day and even did one push-up more than the minimum for day 3 (and think I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it!). Plus I have been sleeping 9 hours and taking a cold shower every day. So there is really not that much to be said... except maybe that I'll be doing an exhaustion test on sunday to decide in which column I'll go for week 3.

Fitness tip: Do your research. Instead of waiting for all the info about nutrition to be served to you on a plate, or not caring about it at all, do you own, independent research on it. And by 'it', I mean everything. Are grains good or bad? How much fat (and which fat) do we really need? It will take time, a lot of time, but what could be more important than nutrition and health? If you find your way to a good nutrition you'll gain so much from it that you'll never regret the hours you spend researching. So my tip for you is to find some time (for example this weekend) and reserve it to research about nutrition. I'll do the same in the future. The only reason I won't do it right now is because I'm no sure how I will handle the information. I'll probably want to create the perfect diet, and that will certainly conflict with what my mother wants to cook xD

Numbers:
Push-ups this week: 216
Total push-ups: 618
Program-weeks completed: 2
Total weeks used: 4

How to Have Deep Conversations

2012-01-29T13:39:00.000Z

It has been scientifically proven that having deep and meaningful conversations correlates to more happiness. Whether it is the cause of such happiness is yet unknown. I know I really enjoy deep conversations, and am assuming you do, too. Yet, most of the time, we engage in small talk and are either unwilling or unable to push the interaction to the next level. To the latter I write this post, explaining what I see as a plausible way to have more deep conversations. To the former: read this before coming back.

What makes a conversation 'deep'?
If you've had a deep conversation, you know what it feels like. And yet it is hard to exactly define what specifically separates a 'deep' from a 'not deep' interaction. Some people stress the importance of a connection between the participants, others point out the sharing of beliefs and opinions, still you could see a meaningful conversation as one involving an analysis of some sort, which then might lead to a change in beliefs. This way, you also get better understanding of the other person. Though deep conversations can deal with all that has to do with the self, other possible topics can include society or education, for instance. Important attitudes of the participants which help move the conversation forward are respect, openness and curiosity. All in all, I think there is a linking element to all the aspects mentioned, which is growth.

The above list of traits is not exhaustive, but it should help defend my proposition: a deep conversation is one which strengthens the connection between the participants and stimulates growth within them, therefore acting outside and inside the individual people, so that the whole (very loosely defined) is larger than the sum of the parts (the individual participants, their own thoughts, beliefs, etc.).

This is also a reason why people seeking personal development also want to attract more deep conversations, and why they (probably) make people happier. So now the question remains: how does one manage to have more deep conversations?

How to:
Attitude
Your attitude definitely plays a large role in whether you're able to initiate and maintain deep conversations. These traits are those you'll want to focus on improving:

Respect: Being respectful encompasses a long list of qualities that your should show to your conversation partner, some of which are also in this list.
Openness: By sharing and being open you are encouraging the other to do the same.
Open-mindedness: Be open to what the other has to say, in fact, expect to learn from it. Instead of judging, accept the other person as they are. This will increase their trust in you and signal that they can be open with you. Also, expect to change your mind, or rather, accept that you might change your mind. Going into a conversation and expecting to leave as you entered is counterproductive if its purpose is to stimulate growth, right?
Curiosity: Ask questions and listen to the answer. There's nothing like knowing the other person really wants to know what you have to say to encourage you to let it all out.
Assertiveness: If you have boundaries, define them. Don't be afraid to tell the other person that you don't like talking about a specific subject. If you don't do this, the other might keep asking questions you don't want to answer and that will make the interaction awkward and less enjoyable for both of you.
Trust: Trusting and being trustworthy are very important. Who is going to want to share their deepest secrets with you if they suspect that everyone is going to know about them the next day?
Honesty: There is no point in lying.

Hopefully, if you truly want to enjoy deeper conversations, you know the importance of the above 7 traits and know how to apply them.

Depending on how used to having deep conversations your social connections are, you might already enjoy lots of deep interactions simply by displaying these traits. Sometimes, though, you might have to show or tell the other person that you don't want small talk no more and that you'd like to talk with them about 'things that mater'. If everything goes well, the other person will agree (there's no point in trying further if the other person doesn't want to) and ask "well, what do you want to talk about?" In the past, I'd say "whatever you want to talk about," which would lead to some rounds of passing the responsibility for the choice of subject to the other and could end in figuring out that we simply don't know what we want to talk about. And that is true. Sometimes people simply want to 'talk,' they want that connection, no matter what the subject is. And yet, to talk, one needs at least one subject.

Subject
I'm assuming you don't usually know what you want to talk about. Usually when this happens I'd suggest playing the 'question game,' which means that everyone gets to ask questions to the other person in turns. This might go very well and give you a lot of insight into the other person without having to constrain the conversation to just one topic, or might not be helpful at all.

Still, questions are very useful when trying to start a deep conversation. Instead of hoping the other person will come up with a good topic, have a few questions ready yourself.

Being the curious person I am, there are a lot of more or less general questions I'd like to ask everyone. Of course there are specific questions you'd like to ask some people but not others, still maybe this list will help you:

Is something / what is making you anxious right now?
Why do people lie?
Do we control our emotions? How?
Do you believe in God?
What are your goals?
What's important to you as / in a person?
What do you want to improve about yourself?
Is happiness a choice?
How far do we control love?
What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Can someone love more than one person at the same time?
What are your thoughts on polyamorous relationships?
Could you go 30 days without complaining?
What do you think of meditation?
What's the meaning of life?
What's you purpose?
Should drugs be legal? Which ones and why?
Are people inherently good/evil?
Do we have the right to eat animals? Under which circumstances?
Can you be happy when you're sad?
What is unconditional love?
...

Basically I wrote down questions as they appeared in my mind. There are probably many more that I wish to ask, but this list does its purpose anyway. So now it's up to you: write down questions you'd like to ask. You can even write down questions to specific people.

Now you know how you can start a deep conversation. The next step is to be able to bring the conversation into a state of flow.

Flow

"If you're making the conversation flow, it's not really flowing." (me)

During small talk, one needs to keep attaching questions after every answer so that the interaction doesn't get to a halt. Flow has to be forced upon the conversation, so to speak.

If you're having a deep conversation, though, flow is just a natural part of it. You shouldn't have to worry about what you'll talk about next. In fact, you might have to worry about how you're going to stop talking because unfortunately you don't have all the time in the world.

Although you shouldn't try to make flow happen, you can create the conditions for it to arise on its own. Luckily, these are the same conditions that allowed the conversation to start in the first place, especially curiosity and openness. By maintaining a curious and open mindset you are almost making flow inevitable. Also very important is the connection to the other person, which will make them want to keep talking to you.

If the conversation does come to a halt, you might want to acknowledge that to your partner and ask whether (s)he wishes to continue talking, albeit about something else. Should the answer be yes, then you can simply pick another question from the list and 'start over'.

Practice Makes Perfect
Maybe your first deep conversation won't last very long or be very personal. That's fine. Keep trying and you'll improve your skills. You can even practice online, in site like Omegle.com where you are assigned a random stranger. Be patient, though, because a lot of people there will want to troll you or have only superficial conversations, which doesn't mean that you won't find gems (and you will).

Now go!

Fitness Friday #2

2012-01-27T20:40:00.001Z

These past two weeks have not been the best. Although I didn't officially skip any day, I couldn't finish day 2 of week 2 on Wednesday or Friday. So the next week I started again and decided to only do day 1 for the whole week, hoping to get a head start into the proper week 2. For the final set I did 11, then 15 and then 16 pushups, the minimum being 15. Basically this means that my muscles aren't growing as the program would predict, and that I might have to repeat every week before going on to the next. This is not going to stop me from achieving my goal, it'll just use up a lot more time ^^".

Next week, then, I will attempt to finish week 2 of the program once more, and then decide whether to move on to week 3 or repeat week two, depending on how difficult it was.

Fitness Tip: Take cold showers. I started doing this on the 23rd (the trial was supposed to be for February, but I decided to do it sooner because of the Radical Honesty trial), and it's been great so far! Here's an article about it's benefits: http://artofmanliness.com/2010/01/18/the-james-bond-shower-a-shot-of-cold-water-for-health-and-vitality/

Numbers:
Push-ups this week: 186
Total push-ups: 402*
Program-weeks completed: 1
Total weeks used: 3

*I only count the push-ups done in the days in which I was able to finish 5 sets.

Why We Lie and The Radical Honesty Month

2012-01-23T20:33:00.000Z

We all lie. There's no questioning that, and it's been said on many books and blogs over the world. Some say it's bad, some that it's necessary. The truth is, lies are hindering your personal development progress big time, and you might not even be realizing it. Of course if you are reading this you are probably conscious enough to have guessed it already: lies are keeping you from becoming who you want to be. But, you guessed it, there's a way out. You don't need to lie. First though, let us explore the reasons behind them lies.

White But Permanently Stained
Some lies are occasional, and may even be of true benefit for others. Telling your dying friend what he wanted to hear right before he dies is a win-win situation -- it maybe give your friend a happy ending, and leaves your image of yourself as a good friend intact -- and it's definitely not a bad thing. This kind of lies is rare, though.

Then there are the lies you tell every day, which bring nothing and help keep the blind-spots you have about yourself safely in place. I have divided these into two categories, based on the who they're directed at:

white lies (directed at someone else)
lies told to reduce cognitive dissonance and false beliefs (directed oneself)

A lie can belong to both categories, but I'll talk about them separately for the sake of clarification.

White Lies

These are the kind that is easy to be aware of, and even easier to get used to. People like to lie to themselves about white lies, too. They say they lie to help others, for pure altruism. That is a delusion one should be very aware of. Some days ago, I had a conversation with a friend. I asked her how long she thought she could stay away form lying -- not even white lies. She said she didn't lie most of the time, and so it would be easy not to lie for a very long time. After that it became interesting. Here's an excerpt of the conversation (I'll use "L" instead of her name for privacy matters, and "V" for me):

V: When you say you're not a liar, what does that mean?

L: It means I don't lie, unless it's one of those jokes with friends or something like that, but I wouldn't lie 'for real'

ahhh

wait, no, I wouldn't be able to spend even a day with out lying :O

V: lol

Then explain, please

L: like... I lie with my smile

I pretend I'm OK, when I almost never am

which is considered lying

[thumbs up for the first realization]

(...)

L: I don't like to make people sad because of me

V: But don't you agree that deep down event that lie is meant to protect yourself?

L: Nah, I protect myself really well

I really just do it for the others because I don't like that the people closest to me feel bad when they see me in a bad shape...

V: I still think it's not for the others... if it were, then wouldn't it be best to be honest and let them help you? I mean, I hate the idea that the people I like the most can be depressed without me being able to tell

but maybe if I am sad and the others become sad because of me I will think they don't like me as much anymore because I'm hurting them. then I'd prefer to keep things to myself

L: yeah... my best friend knows when I'm feeling bad, but in those times she doesn't feel well either, and I don't like seeing her like that... and if no one knows anything they'll treat me as usual and I can eventually get better, if I say something or show that I'm sad everyone will think about it and the ambiance changes and everything

V: and it's all your fault

L: exactly, that's why I don't do it

V: so you're lying to rid yourself of that guilt, not true?

L: exactly

V: (...) then you agree with me :)

so if lies are a way for us to protect ourselves, it means that there is some fear deep down

L: yes :)

[most important realization]

In short, what this means is that white lies serve only one purpose: to protect one's image of oneself, one's sense of being a person, as Dorothy Rowe would put it. If you're still not convinced of this, watch this video by Dorothy Rowe, a renowned clinical psychologist (more distinctions of hers are told in the introduction). The interview is one hour long, and is very interesting, but should you not want to watch it whole, the story beginning at 9:30 is the one reinforcing my point.

This, of course, implies a hidden fear -- of rejection, for example. And those of us seeking personal development know that irrational fears like this are detrimental to a person and should be faced and eradicated.

Cognitive Dissonance

What goes on in your head when you hold two conflicting cognitions (ideas) about yourself at the same time is called cognitive dissonance. It is characterized by a feeling of discomfort and an urge to reduce the dissonance, usually by introducing a third idea. In practice here's what could be going on in your head:

Idea #1: I bought a very expensive car with money I didn't have, while my old car was still working fine.

Idea #2: I am a reasonable person who is concerned about his finances and wouldn't throw away things I could still use.

Note how the two are conflicting. Then comes the justification.

Idea #3: I deserve to have a nice car, because I have been working very hard and could use a bit more comfort in my life. Plus the old car was very worn out and my friends made fun of me for having a 'beater'.

These lies are usually harder to spot, because you really want to believe them, and feel relieved by them. They are damaging though, because they make you allow yourself negative traits you would otherwise want to change, thus creating blind spots and effectively assuring that they are not eliminated.

False beliefs

Then there are the false beliefs, which are as much or even more damaging than the other kinds of lies. These include but are not limited to believing that one is worthless, no one wants to hear what one has to say, there is a Just World, and thus whatever bad things happen, one deserves them.

Mostly these beliefs are earned during childhood, through the words of parents and other close people. They must be worked on, but the point of this post is not to teach how to change beliefs, and so I'll leave it at that.

Be Honest -- And Radically So

Having realized why we lie -- and it may take some time to fully understand all of its implications -- you may wonder what is next. Let me propose something: for 30 days in a row, don't tell a single lie. This is called Radical Honesty, and I'll be giving it a go during the month of February.

This means you'll also have to be honest with yourself. How do you really feel? Usually when I'm asked the typical 'how are you?' I don't even know the answer myself. That's going to have to change in February. So I expect to gain a lot more clarity about my inner world and a bigger acceptance of myself. Also, there is no need to tell things you don't want to tell -- you can always say 'I don't want to talk about it with you' -- which makes this a perfectly safe experiment ;). Besides, I'll have to learn to formulate my answers very well, so as to be able to say the truth causing a little damage as possible to the other person in situations in which I'd usually defend myself through a white lie.

Are you with me? We could make February the Radical Honesty Month and help spread this quality throughout the world!

Even if you don't join me on the RH journey this month (:'c), I hope this post has helped raise awareness of lies and how harmful they can be. What you do with it I can't control, but I'd like you to use this information to your benefit.

Until next time, be honest.