My Recovery from Gambling Addiction

Hitting Bottom

2011-09-17T09:25:00.002-05:00

A few months ago I wrote a post on Safe Harbor, and someone pointed out that while I listed my date last gambled as 10 30 06 --- in my post, I mentioned that I hit my personal rock bottom on 4-15-02.

Isn't that something....one of the worst days of my life.... one of the SCARIEST days of my life..... and yet.... even after that, I continued to gamble.

Well...it didn't happen exactly that way.....and it's a little complicated..... I did stop gambling (although not until July of 02) for nearly two years.

and then, I went back.

Now some people might say that I started up again because I wasn't attending meetings or working my program....but then....I've seen lots of people who go to meetings all of the time....and have a sponsor and are working the steps....and they relapse.

so it looks to me like....it isn't that uncommon to relapse, regardless of what we are doing.

for ME.... relapse (which implies that there has been a bit of clean time) is a DECISION to return to gambling.

I firmly believe that when I was caught up in the cycle, the ability to DECIDE whether or not to gamble eluded me. I could not choose not to. I was driven to it.

But....

by educating myself about what is wrong with me (and I do believe that my brain is a little different from the folks who can walk into a casino and leave when they want to...and do not crave to return)..... and by finding other people who can understand me (because people who are not like me can NOT understand....it's just not NORMAL to be this way).....

maybe the most helpful thing for me was finding people who seemed 'normal' (free of the cycle) now...but by listening to them... it was clear they understood me...they had been thru it...they had been there...they had suffered as I was suffering....financially, emotionally...yet.....they were free....and ok.

could I be ok again?
some of the stories of the folks who were ok sounded as bad or worse than my own story.

and they were ok.

I clung to those people like a lifeline....
for me, those people were online, but it really doesn't matter where one finds them...in a treatment facility, the rooms of g.a., anywhere....but finding people who 'got me'....who could point out my 'thinking errors'.....or....who would just listen...and understand.....who could share their stories....of what they'd been through...and HOW they'd broken free.

In those days my level of anxiety was extreme.

My whole world was crashing in. My finances were a wreck....my marriage was crumbling.... I didn't even know who I was any more.

I didn't see any way out of the mess I'd created and I seriously thought that taking my life was the only way out.....

but then...I found people who had been there....and were ok.

some of them still had a lot of debt....but they were living their lives.....taking care of things, not running from them....getting second jobs.... they seemed...calm...relaxed....unlike the turmoil that was going on inside of me.

Ya know...I've also met a lot of people who have managed to stop gambling...and I don't want to be anything at all like them LOL.

but that's their business...not mine.

I sought the people that inspired me.....people who made sense when we chatted.....

but I didn't start doing that until 10-30-06.

finding out how to take care of myself.

when I first stopped gambling in 2002.....I always knew...in the back of my mind, that I would gamble again. I didn't know when.....maybe it would be many years from now...maybe not so long...but I know when I had a good enough EXCUSE...that I would return.

and that's what I did.
after nearly two years of not gambling...sometime in 2004.... I was suffering.

I had lost a baby....I was helping to care for my father-in-law who was dying....I was trying to care for my own husband and children, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.....and hurting.

who could blame me?

so one morning..when I had a bit of time...I stopped...I knew I couldn't hurt myself badly...I didn't have much cash, and while I had earned enough trust to have a debit card, my use of it was monitored closely by my husband.

but I was sneaky...and found was around it.....so, I was right...that morning, I didn't hurt myself (financially)...I stopped...I gambled the money in my purse...and left.

and I didn't go back for a few days...or mabye a few weeks....but it had begun again.
I was back in it.

and it grew.

I gambled in secret for nearly two years.
while i did over extend myself (and made payday loans and borrowed money from friends and family) I did not reach the level of insanity that I had in 2002.

Part of that was because I was monitored closely and REALLY did not want to get caught by my husband....part of that was because I had educated myself (somewhat) during my initial clean time.

Now some people will say that it isn't important why we gambled.

And maybe it ISN'T important for some people.

But it was (and remains) MY belief that....knowledge is power....and while UNDERSTANDING addiction/compulsive gambling alone is not going to keep me safe....that knowledge is a big part of why I am still free today.

more later.
xo

I'm back.

2011-09-16T08:06:00.003-05:00

Wow!

I can't believe I last blogged in January.

The truth is....the past couple of years I've had some things going on in my personal life that I did not feel free to share with the world.... there are other people involved.... and I respect their privacy.

One day, they may or may not choose to share their stories...but it is't my place to do it.

And....this whole blog has been about...dealing with LIFE....not just stopping gambling...stopping gambling is NOT easy...it sucks...but the REALLY hard part is to deal with the day to day crap that the world throws at us.....and to continue to choose to live gamble-free.

Many times I've started to blog, but it was very difficult to do....without talking about the things I don't feel free to discuss....so I'd scrap it.

and....the 'stuff' isn't over yet....but.....my life today is not ALL about that (as it has been for a very long time).... I am actually beginning to live MY life again.

most of the time LOL

Anyway...I don't imagine I'll jump right back into writing daily....but....I'm back.

I'm doing well....still gamble-free.

I hope you are too....and if not....you can be. know that.

Love,
Peg

Rome wasn't build in a day

2011-01-24T14:14:00.004-06:00

A friend of one of my sons is in some legal trouble.

He's been incarcerated for a few months, a juvenile.

A smart, attractive kid with a great personality...who did a really dumb thing.

He has been corresponding with my son via mail...and I've been wanting to reach out to him...to write him a note, but truth be told, I barely know the kid. He's shared a few meals with us....and my son loves him like a brother. Really...what would I say to him...I'm sure he's heard enough nagging and preaching from his own parents.

But two weeks ago, I pulled out a note card and stared at the blank page. what do I say?
and then..suddenly....I began to write....and write...and write...and cry...and write.

I stopped at 15 pages (poor kid).

Last week I received a 5 page reply from him. He was shocked to get mail from me at all....and touched by all that I shared with him.

My experience.
How to turn a life around.
How to go from hopeless back to living.

I didn't realize, until I started writing, how the changes I've made in my life, with regards to gambling, are really the things that ANY of us have to do when our behavior has to change.

Ya know.... the sayings that we hear, in the rooms of GA or from our Grandmothers...wherever....we (or at least *I*) have never spent the time to ponder the true meaning.....therefore, when someone quotes one to me, it has little significance in my life.

So I was telling this kid, in my letter, how I'd really screwed up my life and I didn't see any way that I could ever repair things. I didn't see how things could ever be OK again.

that's because....what we want is 'poof'...everything is all better now.

and that doesn't exist.

when i decided to turn my life around...REALLY decided...it was inside...I was different...I KNEW I was different.

why didn't anyone else see the (internal) change?
and why did I still have to face the consequences of my bad behavior. THAT sure wasn't fair. I'm gonna do the right thing from now on, so people should trust me and forgive me and give me another chance.

so I really had to dig deep.
I had to decide that I was going to choose to do the right thing EVEN THO no one believed or trusted me...and I was going to have to live with the pain of the consequences.

But...just like there is no 'poof', "everything is all better now"
there is no 'poof' "I am all different"

besides...that is too big a task "I am going to be this or do that 'from now on'"

and it isn't necessary.

all I had to do was do the next right thing, right now.
and then....do the next right thing...
and the next.

doing the next right thing sort of encompasses EVERYTHING...how we treat people, being dependable, being honest.

now, I'm not perfect.

sometimes I don't do the right thing, but then, when I realize it, I just try to do the NEXT right thing (and if necessary, correct the wrong).

the thing is....
with time...other people DID see a change in me.

I don't imagine it was a 'poof' sort of thing for them either.
I don't think that one day my husband woke up and realized I was different.

It was slow....gradual.

I have a girlfriend who is very private (because our group of friends gossips quite a bit)...and recently she confided some very personal things to me.
She knows I would never repeat it.

Four years ago she would not have considered sharing with me.....and I don't think there was a DAY where 'poof' she realized I had changed.... it's just happened slowly...with time...

So I was telling this young man that the way to change your life is just to change this moment. do the right thing right now.

it begins as a series of actions...but it becomes who we are.

and eventually...the people that matter...will see.... that there is change.

Rome....was built...one brick at a time.

What happens in Vegas....

2010-10-26T07:51:00.003-05:00

So I want to tell you a story....

In late August I took a trip with my family, to visit a family member in another state.

We flew into Las Vegas...then had a six hour drive to reach our destination.

After several days, the rest of my family returned home....and I stayed on for a few more days.
It was planned that way....but it wasn't until they were gone that I suddenly realized I was going to be in Las Vegas BY MYSELF.

Now...if you know me, you know that I've been to Vegas a few times in the past few years....

and I will go again in March of next year.

Here's my reasoning....

The reason that I pulled myself out of that horrific cycle...is because I want my life.

Literally..and figuratively.... I mean....in those days I really wanted to stop breathing....so yes...stopping gambling saved my life for REAL....but....
since I AM going to be here for a while....I want to LIVE.

now i once thought that a life without gambling couldn't possibly be worth living (insanity)....

but what I mean by LIVING is....

I want to be able to DO things....especially things that are important to the people that I care about.

that doesn't mean that I don't limit my activities.
If, for instance, my (extended) family decided to do a brunch at the casino one Sunday afternoon (which we used to often do in the 'old' days)...there's no way I'd go. It just isn't worth it ---the risk....of being in/near the casino is too great...and there's no real reason to be THERE.
there are so many other places we could go to eat/be together....I would decline that invitation.

But, next March, for instance, in Las Vegas, my husband will be honored at a ceremony.
I'm going to be at his side.

THAT is what I mean by...I want to LIVE.

Anyway...
I've done it before...the first time, I wrote about it in this blog...preparing (mentally) for the trip.
that's sooooooo important.

My husband and I talked about it a lot....

For those of you who've never been to Vegas...there are machines EVERYWHERE...and the guys who design those casinos are very clever...

you walk in the front door...and you have to walk right smack dab thru the middle of the casino to get to the front desk to check in.
while you are checking in...the lights are flashing....machines are singing their tunes...people are cheering as they hit a jackpot...you are in the midst of it all.
you get your room key....
now...to get to the elevator....it is on yet ANOTHER side of the casino....walk right thru the action....again....
these places are big....could be a four or five minute walk....

every time you enter....every time you leave.

so....
before that first trip...I explained to him how bad that is for me...and that I NEVER wanted to make that walk alone....and that I ALWAYS wanted to make it quickly :)

also....all of my recovery friends knew that I was going....I had my phone loaded with phone numbers and several people who were happy to take my phone call at any time of the day or night...for support.

I also looked up the local g.a. meeting schedule.

I don't normally attend g.a....nor did I then...but.... there have been times when a meeting has been helpful....given me strength....so I got the list of meetings...just in case...and sort of even picked one that I planned to attend (never did...didn't need to).

I was fine.
Husband was very supportive.
I didn't stay in Vegas the whole time he was there...quickly flew in and out to attend the function that I needed to attend.

Also...before that trip...I told my husband..that I felt very strong...and I was sure that I'd be fine in Vegas (especially if he were with me...there was no WAY I could gamble, even if I decided to)...but....I was concerned that being there could awaken something in me....and that when I got HOME I might start scheming/planning/gambling.

It didn't happen...but making him aware of that possibility, in advance, when I was still 'sane', seemed like a good idea.

it was.

So I've been to Vegas a few times since then. Each time, I probably prepared less and less (it wasn't nearly as scary...I'd done it successfully before)...and about nine months ago when I was there...it was disturbing.
the machines did sort of call to me.
just a little.
not that I was going to gamble....not then...not even in the near future...but my thinking started changing from 'I'm never going to gamble again' back to.... I could envision possible circumstances in the future....maybe one day....

But I'm still active in recovery...meaning...I read often recovery related materials AND I stay connected with others in recovery (and also with others who still suffer)....and I guess...even tho I haven't been writing the blog regularly...it is still a very strong part of my recovery too.

So when I got home...I talked about those feelings....and regained my sanity :) and went about the business of living my life.

Again, my recovery was strong and gambling was not an option. Not even something I desired to do....not even a little bit. Ever.

So....
back to my story....

The rest of my family was flying home and I was staying for a few more days....then....all alone, I was going to drive six hours to Vegas and fly home.

I booked that trip without even realizing the implications of that.

But when it occurred to me that day....my brain became 'hijacked'....and that is a very good word to use for it..... it was like something or someone else (not the smart, strong woman who sits here today writing this) was in control.

I emailed a friend....explained what was going on.

So over the next few days my friend and I discussed this...and made a plan....
my friend would call me as I arrived in Las Vegas and we would talk until I boarded the plane.

or...
that was my FRIENDS plan....

meanwhile...I was making other plans....
my thinking went something like this.....

there are many casinos along the route into Vegas...I could stop at one of them...but...what if I was unable to leave (has happened so many times)....and I missed my plane? how would I explain that?
or....in any event....I had to not be RUSHING...so that I could take that phone call from my friend and PRETEND that I was OK and that I was GOING to be OK....
so stopping at a casino was a bad idea.
but that was ok...because the airport is full of slot machines.

I could start the drive to Vegas really early.....and arrive at the airport much earlier than I'd planned...and be able to gamble for a while before my friend called.

so I started the drive early.

and for six hours...my mind was racing...about the possibilities.
It wasn't all pure determination to gamble....the voice of reason was still there...
so it was six hours of back and forth....do this, no do that....no...this would work...yes but...

even though the voice of reason was there....and the battle raged...I knew in my heart that I was going to gamble that day.

although I still planned to gamble at the airport....somehow, the smart voice convinced me so stop for a while at McDonalds to kill some time. I got a coffee.

I texted my husband that I was struggling.

We texted back and forth a few times....I told him I'd be OK....a friend was going to phone me.

But I still planned to gamble.

I TOLD my friend that I'd text when I was arriving at the airport....but that wasn't really practical. I had to turn in my rental car...then get my boarding passes...go through security...can't do all of that on the phone.....so I decided to wait until I got to the gate to text.

and as I walked to the gate..there were some machines (they are everywhere really)....that were one of my favorites...in the 'old' days. maybe twenty machines...a few people were playing....and I came so very very close to sitting down....

except...

I was still pretty far away from my gate....and I KNOW myself well enough to know...that I can get lost in it....forget time....and even tho I'm right here at the airport...I could miss my flight if I stop here....

there will be machines right at my gate...best to play there.

why will i play?
if i win a million dollars that would be bad.... I don't want anyone to know I've played....even for a million dollars...
if i win $1200 I will get a tax form....bad
so I don't want to win.
I just want to play.
so I want to lose.
I want to put my money in....losing it all would be fine...or leaving with what I started with would be fine.
so why would I do this?
because I want to play.
no one will ever know...
and it's a one-time thing...it's not like I'm going to return to the cycle...this is a one time opportunity..I won't ordinarily have these circumstances... I will do it this once..then no more.

but...
I was about two months away from my four year anniversary (clean-time)..... which means....
either...
I would have to come here....and tell the world what I'd done (shame...why shame?)....ORRRR
I could let ALL of the people who are going to send me emails and congratulate me on websites BELIEVE I hadn't gambled....
lie.
I couldn't even imagine what THAT shame would feel like.

So I'd have to tell...and I want to lose.

but still...I was going to play.

I arrive at the gate....and decide to talk to my friend...and THEN I will play.

I text.... we talk.

I will tell my friend that it's time to board before it is actually time...then I will play til it's time to board.

My friend's family is sitting down to dinner...."go eat" I say... "I will be fine".

"are you sure?"

"yes, I'm sure"

I am sure I am going to gamble.

we hang up.

I can play.

I am GOING to play.

I want to play so badly.

I have many phone numbers in my cell....friends in recovery.

I call one.

"Are you busy? I need to talk"

and we do....until they call me to board.

I am watching people press the button press the button press the button press the button the whole time we are talking.

and i want to press the button too.

but I talk instead.

and I board the plane.

and I am sad...that I missed the opportunity to gamble.

but I am relieved.
SO SO SO relieved that I made it.....safe and sound...still whole...no shame...no lies.

and it took a few days before my brain REALLY belonged to me again.

and it scares the HELL out of me how that happened...and how powerful it was....... it was the "mental blank spot" that the combo book talks about.....

I'm still going to Vegas in March....but this time....I will be prepared.

Very well prepared.

What other people think of me

2010-08-15T11:43:00.002-05:00

Since I've been in recovery I've heard it said that "what other people think about you is none of your business".

Yesterday I said I care a lot less about what other people think of me than I used to.

I don't mean that I can treat people badly because it doesn't matter if they like me or not.

It means.... I will treat them well....because it is who I am.....and whether or not they like me is really of no consequence.

I used to care a whole lot if people didn't like me.

I needed people to like me even when I DIDN'T like them!

the difference is not in how I behave...but how I THINK...

I used to do the RIGHT things for the WRONG reasons.
now I do the RIGHT things for the RIGHT reasons (because it's the right thing to do!)

well

that's the goal anyway :)

Sharing that I'm a CG

2010-08-14T11:22:00.001-05:00

When I first sought help for my gambling problem I was full of shame.

I had hurt my family.

I was out of control.

My thinking didn't make any sense (I didn't know any other young mothers who were watching the clock Christmas (every holiday) morning....anxious to go to the casino with the other family members who wanted to gamble.)

I didn't know any other mothers who couldn't go to the grocery store without stopping someplace to play video poker for a few minutes (which sometimes turned into hours).

Even if I wasn't so embarrassed about it...how on earth could I explain this to my friends (the few I still had).

At first, I shared this only with family members.
I had to do that..since many of them gamble...I needed them to know that I would no longer be going and why.

with time, I began sharing it with others...people who care about me....who would continue to care about me even if I had a gambling problem :)

the more people that knew, the safer i was.

but it's more than that.....
harboring a SECRET is painful.....
and keeping a secret makes it SEEM like it's shameful.

so now, it's something that I share freely.

my children didn't know for many years...but now I speak openly to them about it.

I am often surprised at how freely my husband shares this information...even with business associates....

I would think I might be embarrassed to tell someone that my spouse had a gambling problem.

he's not.

I'm not embarrassed about it anymore either.
Time heals I suppose.....

and I guess I care what people think of me a lot less than I used to.

Complete abstinence?

2010-08-13T10:44:00.002-05:00

So I've been having lots of conversations with my children (18 and 16 yrs) about alcohol, drugs, addiction in general.

I strongly believe that what is wrong with me is not 'compulsive gambling' or 'gambling addiction' but ADDICTION.

I say that even tho I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I do believe that not all addicts are like me....some people are 'normal' until they get hooked....usually on some highly addictive substance like crystal meth or heroin.

but folks like me.....I believe that there's something about my genetic makeup that makes me more susceptible to becoming dependent on some substance (or activity).

I believe that my children are more susceptible too.

So we've been talking a lot...

One of the things that I've explained to them is why I choose not to gamble at ALL. for ANYTHING.

Now I know that there are compulsive gamblers out there who manage to gamble on this or that (not thier 'drug' of choice) without any real problems....and I believe that's fine if it works for them....but it doesn't work for me.

here's why;

While I have gambled in a variety of ways over the years...my 'love' was slot machines and video poker.

I know that playing a football pool or buying a lottery ticket doesn't 'do it' for me (no instant gratification).... so those things are 'safe' for me to do.

and they really are.

except

I have a brain that wants to be high.

even tho I don't want to gamble...I don't want that life...I really have no desire to gamble at all...

somewhere inside of me...there is a part of me that sort of, kind of, does.

so

if I were to buy scratch off tickets (I am speaking from experience here)... I might be fine.
maybe i would buy them occasionally...no problem

except...that part of my brain that always wants to be high, regardless of what the rest of me wants....

THAT part of me starts saying things like "ok....stay away from slots and video poker...but you could go to the casino and play blackjack...that would be safe just like lotto'

you see where this is heading.

I choose not to do things that give that voice power. any sort of gambling at all does that (for me).

So a big part of staying 'sober' is learning how to be smarter than myself (the part of me that DOESN'T want to be sober).

ANYWAY....

since gambling has caused such awful problems in my life...it is a no-brainer that I've got to do everything in my power to stay clear of that.

but what about alcohol? drugs?

as I said, I haven't 'crossed the invisible line' with anything other than gambling...BUT...

I am very careful with (potentially addictive) medications and alcohol.... because occasionally that 'other' part of my brain will speak to me about these things too.

I'm not going down this road again.

So my teenagers think I'm just an old fogey...they roll their eyes when we have these conversations (ummm when *I* have these conversations)...
but that's OK.

either...none of this applies to them...and they will never understand what I'm talking about (this would be my preference)...
or....
if and when they ever struggle with these things...maybe something I've said about my own experience will be of help to them at that time.

For me, maintaining my freedom from gambling means staying away from ALL forms of gambling.

Life is so much better when we stop gambling.

2010-08-02T10:24:00.004-05:00

"Life sure does get better when we stop gambling."

I hear that over and over again from people in recovery.

and they're right.

but does it mean that life is easy?
that we don't have problems?

sheezzz...i wish.

often...when we stop gambling our life is in shambles.
relationships are a mess.
finances are a mess.
mentally-- i was hanging by a thread.

Now, nearly four years on (can I possibly have done that?...not gambled for nearly four years?)... some of my relationships are great.
some are still a mess.

some of that isn't my doing....but things aren't good just the same.

my finances aren't so great, but it isn't due to bad behavior on my part....my husband and I have been very responsible and got everything back in order....but things happen...unexpected expenses arise....so financially we are struggling BUT.... we ARE able to take care of these unexpected events...painful as it is.

No, life is not rosy -- but

is it supposed to be?

there've definately been times in my life when things were going pretty well...but that doesn't seem to be the norm...whether I'm gambling or not.

so while I still suffer from time to time with anxiety, depression, relationship and financial problems....

NONE of those problems are as severe as they were when I was gambling.
I am not sneaking and hiding and lying and full of guilt with that constant chatter in my head that doesn't allow me to rest...ever....

while I DO have problems, there are also moments when I am able to relax...and enjoy myself....times when I can put my problems aside and just BE.

I do that when I'm working...when I'm physically active....I forget about the b.s. and just DO what I'm DOING (gardening, cleaning, etc.)

I do it when I'm in good company...visiting with friends and family...laughing, talking...being in the moment.

I suffer (emotionally) when I am idle...alone...with time to worry.
but it's nothing like what was happening inside of me when i was gambling.
well...WHILE i was gambling I was fine.
it was AFTER gambling that the mind chatter started.

I wonder how many folks relapse because they are under the impression that if they stop gambling life will be wonderful.
wonder why anyone would think that...I mean...life wasn't wonderful BEFORE I started gambling.

Recovery, for me, includes learning to deal with life, whatever it throws at me.

and while life still isn't EASY...it certainly is BETTER now that I'm not gambling..
at least I'm not ADDING to my problems by gambling....
and frankly....while I'm active...tho I BELIEVE that it is fun or that I love it and/or need it.... all gambling really does is add to my problems.

so yeah...even with all of the pain...Life is still better now that I'm not gambling.

Families of Compulsive Gamblers

2010-07-27T07:00:00.002-05:00

When I first started writing this blog I sort of expected to take some heat for it.

I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it (emotionally) because I was pretty fragile...and I've always been sensitive to criticism of any kind.

But there's a lot of people in 12 step programs that believe if a person isn't working the steps and attending meetings and blah blah blah, that they don't have any sort of 'real' recovery....and it's inevitable that you'll relapse (most of the people who work the steps and attend meetings also relapse)...anyway....I sort of anticipated that some of those folks would disagree loudly.

To my surprise, I have never gotten the backlash I expected.

But one day last week someone did leave an anonymous comment on one of my blog entries...it was an old entry....and to save you the trouble of searching for the comment, (and since it was posted publicly) I'll re-post it here...

The comment was made on my post entitled "Rushing/Worrying": "then why don't you worry about the money you spend on those casino machines and the money you won't have when youu need to put in gas to take your kid to school again so you can get all pissed off and spend more money you need . "

My initial response was to recoil.
I'm being reprimanded.
I don't like to get in trouble...I don't like to disappoint.

but that reaction only lasted for a few seconds....and I read the comment again....and again.

This person knows me....
but this person knows me in an entirely different way than most of you do.
this person has obviously been on the OTHER side of someone's gambling addiction.

I've heard from family members of gamblers in the past...people who are hurting or have been hurt by gamblers....but in the past, those people find me....and wonder how THEIR loved one can be 'ok'.....

this person is angry.

my heart breaks for them. "the money you won't have when you need to put gas in to take your kid to school".

It must be difficult to love us.

Especially because in many cases we are very lovable people when we aren't in action.... but at any time we can turn into someone you don't know and destroy your world...spend your grocery money...or the mortgage...or your retirement fund...everything you have.

Funny that I've been thinking about this blog entry for a few days, and just this morning I received an email from a friend who said "I have been reading the wrong stuff. Reading about gamblers and their self obsessed life has helped but now what is eye opening to me is reading about families of gamblers and their experiences. Sons, daughters and wives of gamblers. The damage done to relationships. The pain we cause. Well I don't have to be like that. I can step out of it. I can do this now."

Yes.
You can.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Note to the person who sent me an email last night.....

Is it possible that you could go to yahoo or hotmail or google mail and set up an email account that no one would know about, so it would be private and we could correspond?

But first....(and I mean this literally)...take a deep breath.
really. stop reading for a minute, close your eyes and take a long deep breath.

I will send you my cell number if you'd like to speak, and/or if you could set up an email account we could write....
or....I could write to you here, like this, if it works for you..... 'the world' won't know who you are, but they will 'hear' everything I say to you.

whatever you're comfortable with.
hugs

Coping

2010-05-13T04:36:00.004-05:00

I know that I owe some of you responses to emails.
I'm sorry I haven't already done it...and I do appreciate your support.

It's partly because I'm just so dI\*mn busy living....
stsill...I tend to neglect friends and family when I'm too busy or tired...something I need to look at.

The truth is I have been wanting to blog...needing it even....but a lot of what is going on in my life right now isn't just about ME... I don't think it's appropriate of me to discuss it with the world since it aaffects other people.....so I haven't been writing at all.

I should maybe start journalling on paper...for my own benefit.

Anyway...I've been searching again.

Isn't it something that it's what I do when I'm in (emotional) pain?

Well...not always...
I used to hide in my addiction.

You know...when I first started on this spiritual journey...it was out of fear and it was in search of some sort of god.
I was sort of convinced that it was necessary to believe...... I mean.... the only people I knew of who had broken free of addiction said that the only way I could do it was through a higher power.

I wasn't sure if that was right.
But I knew that I had been trying to stop on my own and I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
well...that isn't really true.
I coult stop,
I just wasn't very successful at STAYING stopped.

not when bad shit happened in my life.

so I started searching...
and changing things (character defects?)

not because my defects caused me to be 'bad' (active in addiction).
I really don't think my addiction is due to bad behavior or moral
BUT
if I am doing things like being HONEST...and doing the next right thing...it's almost impossible to become wrapped up in addiction again. i really don't think one can be honest and engage in addictive behaviors.
at least....not honest wsith one's self.

so where was I?

OK- searching spiritually....changing character defects...and

finding new coping skills...
when life falls apart (and it will)
having new and different (better) ways of dealing with...well...suffering.

I could list some of the coping skills that I've 'gathered'....
-staying connected to others in recovery is a big help...and reaching out to them when I'm struggling with life...they get me (us) like 'normal' people don't. other cg's help me immeasurably.
-educating myself
-learning to relax
-practicing awareness
-recognizing my 'addictive voice'

Those are the primary ones anyway.

But I just realized something else...

I said....some of the things that I've done is:

spiritual searching
working on character defects
develop new coping skills

I've been thinking...that one of the 'coping skills' that I now use is 'spiritual searching'.

I mean....in the past....I end up in emotional pain I gamble...and when my world is falling apart and Im trying to pull it all back together, I 'seek spiritually'.

Presently....I've just skipped the gambling part.

My spiritual quest is different than it was in those early days when I was 'looking for god'.

and even later...when I was trying to figure out who I was...and what it's (life) all about.

now.....it's about finding ways to be at peace.

to remain calm on the inside when the outsside is wacked.

I was introduced to some spiritual material in 2002 (my first real attempt at quitting)...and it was awesome..this 'information'.....and I have used it.....but ass time goes on, I think about and practice these techniques lesss and less.....and then I end up in pain (because that is life)...and I turn back to it.
not necesarily to the same material (CD's this happens to be)....

sometimes books...different authors..

the more I listen...the more I UNDERSTAND....it is so clear that they are all saying the same things.

I get very excited about this stuff when I'm actively pursuing it.
It energizes me.
I wonder why I keep having to 'return' to it? i.e. why do I ever walk away?

more later....soon.

How relapse happens...

2010-03-03T09:35:00.003-06:00

well I'm sure there are many ways.....
this is only one.

I've been really really busy.
Teen boys....building a home...
the new home is ready now, but it's an hour away...with the end of school only eight weeks away, we are at the old house on school nights and the new house on weekends....
so I'm maintaing two homes.
Our financial situation has changed....we need to sell the old home asap....it needs work...but we'll have to do the work ourselves.
oh yeah...and working, cooking, laundry, blah blah blah.

busy.

these past few years the one thing that I have continued to do faithfully is read posts at safe harbor...but in recent weeks I haven't been doing that either.
no time....
or..when I *DO* have some time...I'm pooped and opt to do NOTHING.

soooooooo

my husband received four tickets to a NASCAR race in Las Vegas last weekend...complete with passes to Hospitality Village...and a sponsors tent. blah blah blah

Vegas.
Again.

I can do it.
I know this, I've done it before, several times.
Besides, gambling is no longer an option for me.... I know what the life I want looks like and gambling is not a part of it ---because when I gamble...it becomes my WHOLE life....gambling could never be a 'part' of my life...I know this.
I know lots about addiction.
I know lots about me.
I'm good.

Before we left my husband asked "are you going to be ok?"

I appreciate that.
I'm glad that he knows enough to ask...to be concerned.
I told him I'd be fine in Vegas....he would be WITH me...the danger for me is AFTER the trip...the danger is that being there will make me want it again...and I will act on that when I have the opportunity.

Telling him when I'm in danger helps to keep me safe.

Although....thinking about it now...he hasn't asked me how I'm doing since we've been home. hmmmm

anyway
we go.

If you've ever been to Vegas, you know that there is sophisticated planning (I think) to target people EXACTLY like me...

you enter the place and find yourself smack dab in the middle of flashing lights and ringing bells...and you have to walk to the OTHER side of the casino to check into the hotel.

then you have to walk to the elevator...on ANOTHER side of the casino....
the doors, the restaurants, the coffee shop, no matter where you are and where you want to go, you have to walk through the middle of the casino to get there.

no problem...done it before.

the first morning my husband went down to get us coffee while I was still getting ready.
the next morning I got up early....so *I* was going to go down.
I didn't have any urges.....
but I know that I have to protect myself....
so before I left the room I texted him to tell him I was going down for coffee and would be right back...and I did and I was.

to be clear lol we were in separate rooms becuse we took my son and his girlfriend....husband stayed with son...I stayed with the girlfriend.

ANYWAY

we went...we enjoyed ourselves....I did not gamble...all is well.

but something happened inside of me.

a change.

a week ago I was certain that I would never gamble again.
Ever.
No matter what.

I'm not in danger right now.
I'm not going to gamble....today.

but my thinking has changed...

when I was walking through the casino... it really didn't look so bad....
I didn't WANT it.
but I sort of decided that I may do it again someday....

crazy, huh?

I mean... the logical intelligent part of me knows that's insane....as a friend said to me "that's like saying life is good now but one day I'm going to kill myself".

I know.

the good thing is...I know what I have to do to be safe.....and to get back to rational thinking...AND...I still WANT to be safe.

that's the key.

see....sometimes...we get to a place where we know what we SHOULD do....we may even WANT to do it....but not as much as we want to gamble.

I'm not there yet..... and I'm gonna do what I need to do to be ok...

I know that 'one day at a time'...the present....right now...is the only thing that really matters...but for ME.... it's important that the door remain closed....that gambling is not an option...now or in the future....

it just can't be a part of my life.

period.

I don't gamble....

2009-12-06T11:58:00.003-06:00

when i was new to recovery...i didn't know ANYTHING.

until i found ga, i thought i was the only one 'like this'.

then i soaked up everything i could learn.

and it became what i believed.

when people would say things to me that were in opposition to my beliefs at the time, I defended what I believed strongly.

for a while.

with time (and the blessing of the internet)...I was exposed to many people...different types of people with different types of recoveries..different thoughts and beliefs....and my own ideas about life, addiction and recovery continue to evolve.

i sometimes cringe about how closed-minded i once was.

anyway.....this line of thinking has occurred to me in the past...and i may have blogged on the idea long ago, i don't know.....

but the evolution continues:

My husband and I went out to dinner last night with some old friends...a few couples....co-workers of mine from years ago.

after dinner we went to a local bar...one of the guys starts telling me that he recently made a big win playing video poker there....of course...I was gambling all those years ago....

I said "I don't gamble any more".

he said "oh yeah, I know...I have to watch myself too"

I said..."no...I don't gamble anymore...ever....at all"

we spoke of it for a few more minutes then began talking about something else...

but it made me think about calling myself a 'compulsive gambler'

I mean....if I gamble, that will be an apt title...

but...I'm addicted to nicotine.

I stopped smoking for 7 years....then...when my mother was dying....I was with a family member who was smoking...I bummed one....and I haven't stopped....13 years later.

so I'm addicted to nicotine
i will always be addicted to nicotine...
no matter how long i stop smoking...when i stop smoking....i am always at risk of returning to the addictive behavior.

i have a friend who smokes maybe three or four times a year.
i can't do that.
i'm the all or nothing girl.

but

when I wasn't smoking...those seven years....what would I call myself?

I called myself a non-smoker.

i was still an addict but i didn't differentiate myself from anyone else who did not smoke.

I've called myself a 'compulsive gambler' for a long time.
it's true.
I was.
and if i ever gamble again....i will, once again, be a compulsive gambler.

and I don't have a problem with anyone else....doing it their own way

but the truth is.... today....i am not a compulsive gambler.
i take great pains....not to gamble at all...ever....for anything.

I am a non-gambler.

Moving on...

2009-12-05T05:46:00.003-06:00

I've started packing boxes.

The majority of our things will be moved over a 7 day period or so...beginning one week from today.

I'm pretty excited....for lots of reasons....

I'll have a whole new life.

I've had several already....completely different lives.....

as a child with my family.....

after my parent's divorce.....

married right out of high school.....

moving away....for two years.....

coming home.....divorcing.....starting over

marrying.....children...

yeah....each one of those 'eras' in my life look totally different.... but...there ARE some constants in there.... of course *I* am the biggest one LOL....but there are other things....family....friends......some personal belongings get carried from one era to the next....but for the most part.....each of these lives has been significantly different from ny of the others I have changed quite a bit....each one of those 'lives' contributing to who I am....

I'm still me...but I'm a different me, for certain.

So a new one is beginning.......

this is the first time that I've been consciously aware of the POSSIBILITY that is before me...as I make a fresh start.

I mean...when I got married (or divorced, or moved away) I knew that things would be different.....

I just didn't take complete responsibilty for DECIDING what the differences would be...and making it happen.

for defining my life.

I guess....mostly....things have just 'happened'...and I let them.

oh...I've had goals....some I've met...some I've lost interest in...and I always knew that the possibilities for my life were endless (my mom told me that I could be anything I wanted...and I believed her...AND...she was right!).... I just never decided what the heck I wanted to be...or do.

some of my 'transitions' into the next 'life' was not of my doing (like my parent's divorce).....it wasn't my choice to make that change.....but....even when our circumstances are not within our power to change.....there are choices within that.

I guess...not making a choice really is a choice, huh?
choosing to do nothing.

Within a few years both kids will be gone (I think???) and I will have more freedom...more choices.

There are lots of things I want to do in this next life...things I want to learn.....but I think.....for a while....I just want to slow down....and spend some time with me....then make a plan.

shedding a few pounds

2009-10-27T06:31:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I decided to give myself a gift.

It's been five years since we lost the baby and I haven't lost the weight.
I just couldn't.

not that I couldn't LOSE it.
I couldn't even TRY.

putting forth the effort to lose it...well...first I had to acknowledge that it was there.
and i didn't want to think about it.....not the weight...but the baby.

Funny...I really don't SEE it.
I look in the mirror...and I see the 'skinny' me.
not really sure if that's a blessing or not.

but in photos....it cannot be denied.

and I guess....due to age....metabolism changing....I'd begun to put on even more.

until one day i decided that enough is enough.

I googled 'weight watchers' and attended my first (and only) meeting a few months ago.

it was great.

the meeting.

some of things that i heard were familiar to me:

'read the material!'
'keep coming back'
'nothing changes if nothing changes'

and THAT is the bottom line, isn't it?

it's not just gambling, it's not just weight loss....in every part of life....if there is no change...well...there is no change.

they talked about how important AWARENESS is.....but they were mostly talking about staying aware of how you feel regarding hunger.

I became aware of other things.....

I discovered that...when I look at a menu, the only thing on my mind is "what is the most delicious thing here?"

and that i often put food into my mouth without giving it any thought at all.

that EVERY meal I eat doesn't have to be the BEST meal I've ever had!

the point system really works for me (I'm a plan girl...gimme a set of instructions and I can follow them!)...because there's NOTHING that I simply CANNOT have.....I can have a little bit of anything I want...and still be successful.

so I'm five pounds more than I was when I got married (nearly 19 years ago).
10 pounds more than I weighed in high school (over 25 years ago)...ugh

I'm never gonna have my 20 year old body back....but already there is a difference...not just in my body...but in ME.

I mean...the way I FEEL about me.

You know...that feeling you have when everything you're wearing is new? not a stiff...i hate these clothes new.....but...this is the coolest outfit I've ever had kinda new?

I attended a birthday lunch for a friend last Friday...and the card I gave her wished her a 'wind in your hair, full tank of gas, favorite song on the radio kind of day'.

THAT's what I'm talking about :)

The 'wanting'

2009-10-26T07:19:00.003-05:00

Coming up on three years free of the cycle.

the cycle of waking up every morning plotting....where can I get money and/or how can I get away?

then gambling until time and/or money ran out......

then covering my tracks....

then begin plotting anew.

it really does sound crazy now...three years out.

but when i was in it.....it seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.

how on earth could life be any different?
or
why would I WANT it to be?

you know....

anyway....nearly three years.

I'll be out of town.

Last year...on my two year 'anniversary' I was on the West coast for a funeral.

This year....East coast for a wedding.

Travelling is very different for me...

when i was in action....there was a lot to worry about when i went out of town.

what mail would come...and who might see it?
and also....how to handle any payday loans that might be coming due.

how sad...that during times when I should have been relaxed...enjoying myself...I was full of anxiety that my whole world would come crashing down at any time.

So a friend was asking me....do I still have the 'want'.

The short answer is no.
It is the rare occasion that a thought to actually gamble crosses my mind.
and when it does...it is a thought....not 'wanting'.

I don't demonize it.
I'm not angry at the industry....
nor do I fear it....
and reading notes from people who come across this blog.....or posts on safe harbor and gamcare (I think) is what keeps me from glamorizing it....

I know that if i were to sit at a machine --- (I sort of envision myself sitting at a stool....and sighing.....relief......an old friend...) it would 'feel good'.

but that knowledge doesn't bring on the 'wanting'.

but I'm cautious---
I know that if and when the 'wanting' ever does re-surface....it can be powerful.
I know that certain things can bring about the 'wanting'......
being around gambling may or may not do it
listening to stories (let me tell you about this new machine...or i won blah blah blah) may or may not do it.
sometimes...just being stressed out or depressed can bring it on.

but the longer I go without gambling...the less often I experience any feelings of 'wanting'....and it is not REALLY a 'wanting'....not in the same way that it was three years ago....not at all.

and so far....when the 'wanting' has come....and I imagine myself sighing as I sit on that stool....
i know that the relief and the 'feel good' that I would have would also be accompanied by other things.....anxiety, shame.....and the inablity to stop.....and the 'wanting' would be back. full on.

so...day to day....I am just living my life...without any urges or want or even thoughts of gambling.

there was a time I couldn't stop for three days...
couldn't imagine being able to do without it for three months....
I'm doing it....one day at a time.

Life is friggin' hard.

2009-10-15T07:39:00.000-05:00

People get sick, people die, they disappoint us in many ways.
that stinks.

I remember when I was trying to stop gambling....in those days...most all of my problems revolved around gambling (or...those were the only problems that I was keenly aware of).

It seemed like...if I could just STOP...
things would be better...life would be easy.

Well....I DID stop...and things ARE better....but life is STILL not easy.

is it supposed to be? lol

when I first arrived at safe harbor I had no belief in God...and I wavered between being envious of those of you who did....or being irritated with you.....and feeling sorry for you.

I have learned that there is a difference between religion and spirituality....and in learning that...found the freedom to believe MY way.

we often refer to 'recovery' as a journey.....and it is....but it's a small portion of the BIGGER journey I am on....this life.

I believe I am (we are all) here for a purpose.....and the purpose is to take the journey

So even when it's hard...even when I think I just can't take any more....I just keep putting one foot in front of the other...and try to do the next right thing.....

It isn't always easy (like lately)....but I'm grateful that I'm HERE (ie not gambling)...so I'm physically and emotionally able to do what needs to be done....and to be here with/for other family members who are struggling (with life being hard).

Yeah....life is hard.....but the one thing I know for sure is....gambling would not...could not POSSIBLY make it better.

My kids - Attention Deficit - Addiction - Medication

2009-10-03T05:58:00.005-05:00

Geez...last post was August 17?

Time flies whether you're having fun or not :)

I have got soooooooooo much to talk about....I don't even know where to begin....

Yesterday......

geez....

both of my boys take medication for attention deficit disorder..but my oldest son, who is now 17, recently went to a new dr. this dr is to help him 'transition into adulthood'...understand their medications and take responsibility for them. (I'm trying to get him to do this with asthma medication too....he'll be living away from home next year!).

so the first time he saw this new dr. was just over a month ago when I was out of town.

when i returned home, his little container with daily doses of medication was sitting where i left it...and full of his meds.

i said..."YOU HAVEN"T BEEN TAKING YOUR MEDS??????"
he said "my new doctor told me I didn't have to"

i was pissed.
also....he said, he was supposed to go back the following day (a week after his first visit).

his first visit cost $200!
the second would be another $200!
in one week!
plus my OTHER son had an appointment with HIS dr (at the same place)..and THAT would be another $200.
AND SHE TOOK HIM OFF OF HIS MEDS!!!!!

I told him to come home after school...he wouldn't be going to that appt.

so i called her...she said that HE said that he wasn't taking it EVERY day anyway.

-true...during the summer we are not as organized as we are during the school year...not much of a routine around here....and he sleeps at friends' houses often...or wakes up after I'm gone to work...so he misses it...but once SCHOOL starts and we are back in our daily routine (he met with her just after school began...after a long period of non-consistency).

so she said that it's important for him to BELIEVE thta he NEEDS his medicine (which he does not...and he hates to take it....thinks it doesn't 'do anything' anyway). so....she figured...if he didn't take it for a while, he would see a difference...in his grades, in his relationships, etc. and then would be WILLING to get back on it (and know that he needed it).

-well...that's a nice idea...and I've done it half a dozen times since he's been in the 2nd grade (because we have fought that battle all of this time)...but I KNOW what will happen....and this is his SENIOR year...and he cannot AFFORD to do this....grades, etc.

I was pissed.

I told her that I would send my son back...because he LIKED her (not something he's ever said about other docs)....but not now.....I'd call soon.

So I sat down with him and told him some of the things that he should 'watch' for...and if these things became problems he needed to understand that medication (or lack of) was responsible...
things like...forgetting things...
organization might be worse...
ability to pay attention...
he might be more irritable...not get along with his girlfriend...

--he is rolling his eyes the entire time I am talking...and when I mention irritability, he snaps at me "I am NOT gonna take medicine so that my relationships are better! that's ridiculous!"

then....on occasion....when I would see things...or think about things that might be medication related, I'd mention it.

and he'd ignore me :)

one morning as I was driving to work...it suddenly occured to me that the new dr. OBVIOUSLY did not check with the old dr. because the old dr. would have a FIT if he knew this kid was DRIVING without his meds....

made a mental note to mention that to him.

but a few hours later I got a call that he rear-ended someone.

sigh....

"but it has NOTHING to do with medicine Mom!"

well........

he texted me from school yesterday morning...stating that he is REALLY having trouble at school due to not taking his meds....also...he is 'pissed off' all the time....and he was having a rough day and knew that he was going to end up getting into trouble if he didn't go home....could he leave if he promised to start taking his medication again?

well....

his younger brother has been having problems as well....he's had a few incidents at school....he is unable to control his anger...and he was having an incident yesterday morning too.....

and I'm sure I blogged last year when my husband and I went to Idaho and I forgot my meds at home...after two days I was getting MEAN.
nothing was wrong....I was happy....doing 'fun' things...with good friends...and my husband...I wasn't MAD about anything or AT anyone...but I was feeling MEAN.
I KNEW it was because I didn't have my medication....I knew there was nothing to be mad about....I knew it was chemical...but that did not change the way I felt...there was nothing I could DO about it.

so without my meds, I'm mean......oldest son too....so maybe younger sons meds need to be adjusted (that appt has been scheduled....but the evidence was building in MY mind that that is the problem).

anyway...because of younger sons' recent outbursts....in an effort to try to help my (normal) husband understand this....I sent him an email that used a few quotes from Dr. Wetsman's book Q&A about addiction.

my boys are not addicts.
or at least...they are not addicted to a drug (or behavior) just yet....

but ALL OF THIS.....is related.....

so when both boys got home, I decided to read this to them (they are rolling their eyes...this is about addiction...not A.D.D).

here's what I shared with them:

“For normal people, normal levels of dopamine release provide normal levels of pleasure and reward. But some people don’t have normal levels of dopamine and so normal activities don’t lead to normal reward. They need bigger stimulation to feel what other people feel normally.”

“So let’s imagine what it would be like without enough dopamine in the system. Little things would not excite us or matter to us. We would have difficulty paying attention and remembering things because those actions require dopamine. Normal pleasures would give us nothing at all, and we’d look around at other people enjoying themselves and wonder what is wrong with us. We’d feel alone and pretty much less than others. Because nothing much was rewarding, there would not be much reason to get up off the sofa. Ife we were born this way, we’d have no way to identify it as an illness because we’ve never known anything else. Just as sight for someone born blind would just be something other people could do, so would enjoying little things be for us. Until of course we found a drug that raised our dopamine and made us feel pretty good. With the higher dopamine level we could feel comfortable and relaxed. We could enjoy little things; we could feel a part of the world. It would be like a congenitally blind person suddenly able to see. What percentage of them do you think would be satisfied with their new found sight going away after a few minutes and then being told they could never have it again? Well, that’s about the percentage of addicts who would be satisfied to just stop using and go back to the way they’ve felt all their lives.”

“Addiction isn’t using drugs; it’s what it feels like to the addict to live without using drugs. The symptoms are what people with addiction feel when they aren’t using, not what happens when they do.”

He is talking about the fact that all humans make less dopamine as they age (which is why we have grumpy old men)….it also means…that addiction gets worse with time…

“You’re probably thinking this is hopeless, aren’t you?”

“I don’t think it is. We know we can raise dopamine receptor levels by changing behavior and thinking (as in recovery), and we can raise levels of dopamine and serotonin with medications.”

While I am reading this, my oldest son is sitting...wide-eyed "WOW" he said.

"that is my life."

Yesterday was a tough day at my house....younger son got into some trouble...he is just unable to control his anger (impulse control).....but it was a blessing really....this is important.....and maybe understanding what addiction is...and how their brains work....no way I would have gotten both of them to listen....ANY other way.

Maybe....if I knew all of this about my brain..and how addiction works....when I began gambling I would think "geez....it's pretty scary what that does to me"....and I would have been careful...instead of this thing just slowly taking hold without my even knowing.

"I know..." I said to him... then I said...."you haven't been taking your meds and you are pissed off all of the time" then I told them my Idaho story (which ended with me calling a girlfriend...who came to my house and found my meds and overnighted them to me).... so I say to my younger son "so I am trying to get the doctor to see us TODAY....I think we have got to assume that your medication needs to be looked at."

"ummmm.....I haven't been taking my medicine for over a month."

"WHAT?"

"I didn't think it was doing anything!!!!"

sigh

Yeah...yesterday was a hard day.
But it's also possible that yesterday saved their lives.
or at least....gives them a fighting chance at overcoming addiction.....without going thru the hell of 'hitting bottom'.

just keep swimming

2009-08-17T07:21:00.003-05:00

I tossed an turned for hours Wednesday night.

I hate when other people have to suffer for my mistakes....and also...

I think.....one of the reasons I have a hard time accepting the things I cannot change is because I keep thinking maybe I *CAN* change things....maybe I've missed something...what can I do? what can I do?

Turns out, I *WAS* able to do something.

I thought of a few stores to call....one of them opened at 9:30....we were there waiting when they did.

most of the uniforms were gone, but I was able to get one pair of paints for each boy and a pair of shoes for my older (bigger) son.

we arrived at school late.....stuffed the toes with paper....got through the inspection.

this morning school starts.
they are gone.
the house is quiet.
for the first time in months I am alone in a quiet house.

I've done a lot of thinking about what happened last week...

about....how much it felt like my days in 'action'....

when I'd gamble all day instead of doing the things I should've been doing...then I'd be scrambling to straighten up the house and throw a meal together....or whatever it was I should've been doing when I was gambling instead.

but it's more than that....

a good friend, who's known me all of my life, would tell you that I'm always last minute.

and while that's true.....I *AM* always scrambling at the last minute to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to have done....

it's not (usually) because I'm lazy and I just put things off.
although that does sometimes happen.
it's USUALLY because I have so much going on...I just don't have the time to address things until they are pressing matters.

I've talked about this before...about....how it FEELS like these things are REQUIREMENTS...all of these things I've gotta do....
and at this point, they are....because I've committed to doing them...
but how did this happen?

everyone doesn't live like this...with more things to do than hours in the day..EVERY day.

some people are actually BORED sometimes.
what I wouldn't give for a little of that!!!

I THINK that....
I THINK that I hate living this way....

but it is a choice, isn't it?
if it's not the way I want my life to be....then why is this the life I've created for myself?

the BIGGER...more IMPORTANT question is....
what can I do to change it?

like I said....what's happening in my life today....my responsibilities...are the result of previous days' commitments.

i can't undo that.

but....

I can refrain from making ADDITIONAL commitments today....at least...any unnecessary ones.

It will be a gift to myself--- today....I will not add anything to my to do list if there is any way that ANY one else can accomplish the task.
I will not make any appointments until...

well..that's a whole other issue...
appointments

i have a few conditions that I really need to see a dr. about.

those are things that i SHOULD be committing to...those are things that NO ONE else can do but me!!!

but not today....I've put that off for this long....I can put it off a bit more...

I know that this...all of this...is a symptom of my 'illness'...of whatever it is in my brain that makes me succeptible to addictive behaviors....it's all related...

and I know what I need to do....to change my life.....

i need to make whatever small changes I can make today.....to move me in the direction that I want to be...

I need a plan...a list....

and I need a little quiet time, every day, for me....just to BE.

and until I get where I want to be....I'll just keep trying to keep my head above water.... I'll just keep swimming....one day at a time...

the way i roll

2009-08-13T00:05:00.002-05:00

It's been a while.

I've started to write a few times...then scrapped it.

From the outside my life looks awesome.....and I *KNOW* what real problems are....to be seriously ill...for people you love to be ill...or dying...
yeah...that's REAL problems...the stuff we have absolutely NO control over.

but...
sometimes...when I'm freaking out over something that I know isn't a REAL problem....and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't a REAL problem....
well
it still seems like a pretty big deal.

like tonight :(

and the position that I'm in right now....I've been here a thousand times before...and no doubt, I will do this again...because it is what I do....as the kids say "it's the way I roll".

but it's a hard way to live.

so we're building a new home...my husband and I.

it takes up a lot of my time.
it's an hour away...so anytime that I have to be on-site, it takes up a good part of my day.
and i have to be there a lot.
and I'm working....
and I have this house to take care of
and laundry
and cooking
and taking care of two teenage boys
plus all of the other stuff that comes up.

i'm not very organized.
i try.
it drives me crazy that I'm not
but i just can't seem to get it together.

and on occasion...when my life slows down...i DO get it together....
but it doesn't last.

so anyway....I've been really busy...
then...my mother in law took all of 'her girls' on an all-expense paid trip to London and Paris for 8 days.

poor me, right?

then I'm home for three days...then we leave on a family vacation to the beach (extended family...all of the in-laws)...great time

and now i'm playing catch up.

i feel like everyone needs something (ten things) from me...and I'm trying like hell to keep my head above water...

and I was
or i thought I was
until tonight.

my boys have orientation tomorrow morning. 9:30 am
school starts Monday.

I just sat down a few hours ago (10:00 pm) to fill out their paperwork when I read that they must show up in FULL UNIFORM.

huh?

did they do that last year?

so I'm scrambling.

nothing fits...and even if it did, it's all tattered...and they will have 'uniform inspections' when they get to school.

i DID have the good sense to send them for haircuts today...but geez....

so the uniform shops don't open until 10:00.
half hour after they're required to be there.

last week, hours after picking up my car from the repair shop (from a huge limb that fell on the hood during a rainstorm)...a rock hit my windshield and it's got a huge crack across it....that happened about 30 minutes after i dropped (and completely busted) my cell phone....and my washing machine died that same morning.

later that evening I learn that my niece has been diagnosed with swine flu (she's OK)...and since we've all been vacationing together...we are all at risk and the four of us are now taking tamiflu (at $91 each!!)

i just feel like i don't have anything left...no money...no time....no energy.

ok-
now you see why i've more or less abandoned the blog....

i'm overwhelmed...exhausted...not doing anything very well...so frustrated....but when I sit to write it ....it sounds sooooo

ummmmm
sounds....i dunno....irrelevant?

i mean....
my niece is gonna be ok
I know what it's like to NEED something and not have the money...
and we DID have the money to pay for the tamiflu (and the washing machine, and a new cell phone)
and so far, we haven't become ill...
our bellies are full
got a roof over our heads (and soon will have a new one)
and as my friend gams would say...
no blood on the floor
no dead bodies...
police are not here....

i know, i know
but right now my insides are doing what my OUTSIDES have been doing--
racing.

I need a break
but i know it's not coming any time soon.

and as nice as it was to go on those trips....and it WAS nice....right now...it causes more of a hardship than it is a luxury.

maybe the flu would be a blessing
a few days in bed
and
an excuse for not getting everything done.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do in the morning (ummm...in a few hours!) but I guess I'll get to bed....I'll toss and turn even tho I'm COMPLETELY exhausted....

there's no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon.

feeling so tired
and so incompetent.

.........accept the things I cannot change.......

The Chicken or the Egg

2009-06-17T10:03:00.002-05:00

a while back we started family therapy...in the beginning my two teenaged boys were uncooperative..and they're still not crazy about having to go...but things have gotten so much better between the four of us that we've tapered off the frequency of the meetings....going every three weeks rather than every week.

the last couple of times we've gone...the meetings went very well.... as a matter of fact, we don't even look like the same family that we were six months ago....the change in all of us is dramatic.

so that's what we talked about this week....
how did this change happen?

how did we go from that terrible state.....to where we are now....laughing together...spending time together...even LIKING each other (most of the time).

My oldest son said.... that the boys weren't getting into trouble any more....BUT....THAT was because we (my husband and I) are not acting like jerks.

and I'm thinking to myself....well WE are not acting like jerks (punishing them....restricting their activites....always 'fussing' about things they do) BECAUSE they are not getting into trouble.

that was our 'dance'....

someone had to change their behavior REGARDLESS of what the others were doing.

I said.....that those weekly sessions are what made it possible.

I recalled the first night that we went ...we were one unhappy...very angry group of people.

when we were leaving...the counsellor asked us to each identify ONE thing that we could do that could make our family life better....and we did.

and we each did those things...for a few days.....then went back to our old patterns of behavior (as soon as one of us saw another not doing what THEY said they were gonna do...we stopped doing what WE were gonna do).

that happened for a few weeks....the days following our sessions would be pretty good...then we would revert back to the old way.

after a few sessions I mentioned that.

so when we left THAT night...the counsellor asked each one of us to continue doing OUR thing NO MATTER WHAT...even if no one else in the family did THIER thing....we should each do ours.

it's not always easy....and even after all of these months...we sometimes revert back to our old 'dance'....

so that is what our sessions will be about for a while....because we will go thru difficult times again (all families do).....but if we can identify those old patterns of behavior when they pop up....and take steps (which we will be discussing in the upcoming weeks/months)...to get back on track....we won't ever have to do that OLD 'dance' again.

so my son said....that things were better because WE stopped acting like jerks first "It was good that ya'll did that" he said (because they never would have...first).

It all boils down to "Would you rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?"

The old peg had to be right.
Rub your nose in it, right.

today.....well...I'll take Happy any old day.

It's the little things.....

2009-06-03T10:35:00.000-05:00

Many years ago I read a self help book that talked about priorities....

it asked the reader to list all of their 'roles' (mother, sister, wife, employee)
then....to grade yourself on each of them...how well do you think you're doing in that particular role.

then....
it asked to rate each one with it's level of importance....most important (to you)...#1, next important #2, and so on.

Mine were a little shocking.
I mean...I shouldn't have really been surprised...but there it was, in black and white.

I was working many many hours in those days....at the top of my career.

I had two young children at home.....
and my mom was dying....

when I was grading myself.....the amount of TIME I dedicated to each of my roles was clearly a factor in how well I thought I was doing.

I graded myself, that particular day, very highly as an employee...a career-woman

but....that was not my top priority.

the book went on to talk about HOW that happens.....

we don't make BIG choices usually....we don't KNOWINGLY choose to elevate something that's less important...

it's the little bitty choices that we make
that add up.

if my child wants to go to the park (in the days when they still wanted to do things with me!)....and it's a work day....I can't.

but on occasion.....my child might REALLY want me to be there....and work might not be THAT critical that particular day.....and I'd just do it.

it was a matter of asking myself, often, what is REALLY the most important thing here?
obviously....work is important.....and it often had to be priority (ya gotta eat!)...

but not EVERY time.....
and when I began making the most important choices EVERY TIME I COULD.....it made it easier (no guilt).....when I really COULDN'T.

In recovery I've learned that the same idea works in all parts of our lives.

we can't wake up one day and say "OK...I will be honest from now on" and expect everyone to now trust us....

we BECOME honest or trustworthy or ________(fill in the blank)______ by making the right choices...every LITTLE time we have a choice to make.....by doing the NEXT right thing....the next most IMPORTANT thing....now...and then again ....and again.....and it builds...and it grows....and before you know it....those little choices all add up to be who we are.....
and our energies are spent on the things (and the people) most important to us :)

Who our real friends are.

2009-06-01T10:10:00.004-05:00

So a few months ago my son had a fight at school. There is a zero tolerance policy so he was suspended for a few days.

The day that he was to return to school, he had to be accompanied by a parent.....we met with the disciplinarian.

My son had been bullied by an older kid and he'd finally had enough....but the school has zero tolerance for bullying too.....the disciplinarian was explaining that 'they' can't correct the problem unless they KNOW about it....you gotta tell.

fat chance.

anyway......

this guy was great....he was talking to my son about how often your so-called 'friends' can get you into trouble.....when another kid mouths off at you for instance, and your buddies say things like "are you gonna let him talk to you that way? what are you gonna do about?"

the disciplinarian said "those guys don't care about you...they are not your friends"

then he asks my son "do you have friends here?"
my son says yes.
"No you don't" says the disciplinarian.

My son is confused....of course he has friends....and he says so.

"No."

"You don't"

"Look to your right."

My son looks at me.

"THAT is your friend. The people you are with here at school are your acquantances.....ten years from now you won't even remember most of their names....THEY don't care about you....THAT lady right there...SHE is your friend....you need to remember that."

I thought it was pretty powerful.

when we walked out of his office, my son looks at me, confused...and said "that was stupid"

lol

oh well....

honestly....our relationship has improved a great deal since that day....maybe some of it did sink in.

my point is....

we ALL need to keep that in perspective.

who our REAL friends are.
not people we just spend time with...or work with....or even hang out with in our free time....but our FRIENDS.

people who would care for us if we were ill......

we need to really cultivate those relationships.
they are the important ones.

and if we can't think of who they are....
if there is no one.....
we need to go about the business of creating them.....
real relationships.....

alone is too lonely.

Who's in my corner?

2009-05-30T20:41:00.003-05:00

I started driving at 14 yrs old (scary)....in my teens and twentys I ONLY listened to music in the car....in my thirties I alternated between music and talk radio.....and now....in my forties....I occasionally drive in complete silence.

oh....I can still 'jam' from time to time (although my teen sons are horrified if I'm singing or bouncing along with a song at a red light....someone might see me...and THEM!!!)....

and all of it's good....
music
listening to people talk about good stuff
and just quiet

thinking of nothing....
or thinking about all of the important things that I've been too busy to think about lately :)

lots of times, I'm thinking in the car....and I'll think 'this is a great thing to blog about when i get home'....

funny that....more often than not....those thoughts are fleeting
you know....when you wake up after a vivd dreamand ....unless you sit down and with much effort....recall all of the details....and maybe even if you do....by the end of the day it's a vague memory....and perhaps you can't even remember having dreamt at all.

sometimes my brainstorms are like that.

but not always.

and it can be kind of quirky....my thought process.....

recently someone posted on safe harbor and mentioned a gathering that she was planning....her husband said to invite everyone she knew....so she sat down and counted all of the people in her life (that she cared about)....and she mentioned this number.....it was a large number, i thought, of people in her life...people who she cares about...who care about her.

so i started thinking about my own life.
not counting.
i'm too lazy for that...or too busy....or both.

but....thinking about the 'layers' of people in my life.

of course there are acquaintances.....
but
friends
even friends come in many flavors.
i mean
i have some friends that i've known for more years than i'd like to admit :)

i have some friends that i haven't really known for very long at all....but i consider them close friends just the same.

i have some friends that i have never actually met face to face (thanks to the internet)....that I truly truly care for.....and I know they feel the same about me.

Anyway,

I was thinking about.....

who loves me.

i mean

if i needed something.

if my heart was broken

or....some hardship had befallen me.....

or i just needed to cry to someone....

or advice....

who could i call?

who would care?

or

if i were really really in need

i mean REALLY in need.

who?

and....

honestly, I can think of lots of people.

you know

when my mom died....that was (although i wasn't fully aware of it)... an enormous source of my pain.....the fact that i no longer had unconditional love.

i mean

that woman

she was there the day i was born

and she thought i was the most beautiful thing ever to be born :)

and while we had some rough times (during my OWN teen years).... she was always there.

always
no matter what.

for many years after her death I did not grieve her (properly)....so anytime i thought or spoke of her my eyes would water.

one day....a friend of mine (who never knew my mother)...said to me...'i really don't think it's healthy...the way you still feel so powerfully about the loss of your mom' (she was very close to her father who had passed away years prior....but had dealt with his death 'properly').

i said to her "if your husband comes home tomorrow and says he's leaving....he's in love with someone else....or....if your house burned down.....and you lost your husband and children in the fire....and there's just you.....just you....with no home of your own....where would you go?"

to her mom's.
i made my point.

but she was right......i hadn't dealt with it...and it was unhealthy.

honestly.....

i didn't realize that I was loved unconditionally (by my husband)....until I told him that our money was all gone....and every credit card we had (and we had lots that he didn't know about) was maxed out..... and our bills were late...and...well...i didn't really KNOW what-all we owed.
it was a mess.
i was a mess.
and he was pissed.
but he stayed.
and he let ME stay LOL
and we worked it out......

you know.....even then.....there were other people in my life who loved me.

and now....there are even more.

and i was thinking lots about that.

i mean....yeah....there's aunts and uncles and brothers and my husband...and life long friends....

but i have many NEW friends too.

and I was thinking about why that is....how it came to be.....

I think.....that learning to listen.....to REALLY listen...to really CARE about what's going on with other people.....makes them respond in kind.
I think.....that when you share yourself....confess the things that you are most ashamed of.....really BE who you really ARE with someone....it frees them up to do the same.

I think.....that if we want to HAVE friends....we need to learn how to BE friends.

I think.....I have many faults.....one big one is that I neglect to keep in touch like I should. I think of people I care about far more often than they will ever know.....they should know.

But....I know.....that when I am in need....I have people to call on.....and I know that my friends feel the same way about me....

I'm here when it counts.

knowing this....that I am loved....is an important part of my 'being ok'......

the thing is.....there were lots of people in my corner....even before I was aware of it.

becoming aware of it....makes it a reality FOR ME.

goodnight.

Share your story

2009-05-21T20:54:00.003-05:00

Someone left a comment on yesterday's entry.....said that many women don't have the opportunity to share that way either....aside from 'the rooms'.....or maybe I dreamt it? the comment isn't there now....

but I've been thinking about that....

not only that...

but the NEED that we have to tell our stories.....
and how difficult it is to do.

not JUST cg's.
humans.

we all have one.
a story.

and...I think....a need to be known.

but that's scary.
what if I share who I am.....and you laugh...or otherwise reject me?

I think...it's important to tell our stories...to get it out....but it IS important that we choose carefully who we tell what to.

I mentioned that I've gone on other girl's trips...with different groups of women.

There are many women that I would not bare my soul to.

I've found that when someone opens up to ME....I am more free to share who I am.

and visa versa--

a while back...when I was having troubles with my son....some of what was going on was widely known, thanks to gossip.
but
it seemed like it freed others to share their woe's with me.

maybe a part of it was an effort to make me feel better 'you are not alone'....but I think....a bigger part of it was that...they felt that I was a 'safe place' to share....after all...I would understand....I was going thru similar stuff.

Anyway....
sharing our stories is important......and having a safe place to do so is necessary....so...regardless of your sex.....find a safe place to share yours....and if you can't find one...get to a room.

alone is too lonely.