My RNY Journey

Finding My "True North"

2011-12-25T05:53:00.000-08:00

As many of you who already know, my life has changed drastically over the last 18 months, and even more so in the past 6 weeks. November 7, 2011, my mother was brought by ambulance to the hospital where I work and spent 7 days here and then went home on hospice and passed the next night. She passed away just after midnight on Tuesday night making it November 16th, 2011. Her funeral was Friday, November 18, 2011. Thank you to everyone who came and who supported my family and I during this difficult time. I knew many people loved my mom but was unaware of what a difference she had made in other people's lives. She dedicated herself professionally and personally to many causes and devoted her life to serving others; her legacy will live on through the people she touched. I told my sister that I feel like my mom left a piece of herself with everyone and in a strange way, a piece of her lives on in each person that surrounds us. I know it must sound crazy, but I feel like I have to snatch up every piece of my mom that I can and surround myself with people who she loved and who loved her. For me, the best thing I can do to honor my mother is to embrace this extended family that she created and try to keep it together.

Since losing my mom, I feel like the needle for my compass is off and I can't find my true north. I find myself mentally, emotionally, and physically going in circles and unable to find my way. I have made some strides personally, to put the pieces back together. I know at this point, it's just gonna take time.

Four-Letter Words

2011-11-24T22:07:00.000-08:00

Four-Letter Words are usually associated with swear words, things that are offensive, or the "filthy" words that are bleeped out of sitcoms, talk shows, and daytime television. Have you ever stopped to think about the other four-letter words that could be a positive influence on you and change your life?

Here are a few that crossed my I either found in my research or that crossed my mind:

Best - I want to be my best - the highest quality of me I can be.

Burn - Burn the calories and burn the old self image of someone who is not there anymore.

Care - Make any decisions to make any changes in your life from a place of love, sincerity, and good intentions.

Core - The very center of my being and existence. The place where my morals are permanently engraved and where my deepest secrets hide.

Dare - I am a creature of habit and I had to dare to change. I had to embrace it and not be scared of the unknown, which if you know anything about me, you know that is very difficult for me.

Deep - The place where the want/need for change came from for me. I had to really make a solid decision to make a difference for myself. I toyed with the idea of having the surgery for a long time, but once I made a sincere decision to make the change, it was a done deal.

Drop - Drop your weight and your bad attitude. Make a conscious effort to not drop any of the people who supported when you were heavy and your true friends in the process. Don't get "too big for your britches" as my grandmother would say, which is ironic that I'm adding that in here because my britches are getting smaller every day. The change draws a lot of attention, especially from maybe people to whom you were invisible before. Don't forget to nurture the relationships with the people who saw who you were the whole time.

Fear - What scares you? What scares me? Going backwards

Free - Free to make your own choices.

Gift - The incredible gift of life.

Girl - Just a girl trying to fit in and to find myself.

Give - I am finding out how generous and giving the people are around me. Don't forget to return the gift and forward the kindness to someone else who needs it.

Glad - Glad that I have the opportunities that I have been given

Goal - Where do I want to be in the future? Hopefully happy and healthy.

Good - There is a saying that "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels," but I have changed it, "Nothing tastes so good as being healthy feels"

Grin - Its all over me!

Grow - Learning more about me and what my purpose in life is.

Heal - My heart heals a little each day and it starts from within.

Help - Get help, give help. Remember that hands extend both ways, they give and they take.

Home - Anywhere my family is.

Hope - I have a new found hope in my new life.

Hurt - I was in constant pain before surgery. I still hurt, but nothing like before.

Joys - I am finding new joy that I have never experienced before. Things I once dreaded, I now look forward to.

Jump - Easier now

Kids - Still up in the air

Kind - I strive to be the kind of person I'd like to be. Its an effort each day.

Know - I know I made the best choice for myself.

Lady - My mom.

Life - Teaching me a lot

Live - Living is a day at a time.

Lost - Still trying to feel my way out of this dark place.

Luck - Need more than luck to get me through.

More - Always wanting to learn something new.

Move - Move more to feel the freedom in your soul

Nice - If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all. - Thumper

Pain - Being without the person you love.

Pest - Sampson Houston Butler (aka Sammie)

Play - Whenever possible

Pray - Make an effort daily to reach out and touch your maker and feed your soul daily.

Pure - Purest intentions, purest heart, purest love

Rain - Nature's Tears (Healing).

Real - Truths. Many truths.

Safe - A secure place to be, both emotionally and physically.

Sale - I'm a sucker for clearance. Even crap I'll never use and don't need. I am learning more about myself everyday.

Sand - Something I'd love to feel between my toes someday soon. I told my husband when I was 200 lb down, that I wanted to be taken to the beach. I'm at 194, so he better start packing!

Save - Saved myself

Sore - Daily battle :-)

Tear - Tear - as in rip, hurts like hell. Tear as in crying, is nature's way of healing.

Thin - Not as important as being healthy

Tool - RNY LGB is just a tool. Success is determined by the lifestyle changes you make.

True - More obvious to me now than ever

Walk - Easier now that my body is changing

Want - Different from need

Warm - Have been freezing my chi chi's off since weight has started to drop! Anyone else have that problem?

Wise - Something I hope to be one day. I thinking making this decision to change my life was a wise choice.

Lactose Intolerance...

2011-08-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

Regular cow's milk is tearing my system up. I have switched to soy and its better. Cheese doesn't bother me - thank goodness, because cheese is a big contender in my protein intake.

Update on Vitamin Help post

2011-08-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

***UPDATE***

I recently found out that my B12 has to be sublinqual; being an RNY patient, we only have 1/8 of a normal stomach. B12 is absorbed in the stomach and since it being in the pouch for 30 minutes or less, doesn't leave a lot of time for absorption. It is required that we dissolve them directly under the tongue (sublingual) so it'll go straight into our blood stream.

Also, my bariatric surgeon looked at my multivitamins that I found and he didn't particularly care for them as they don't contain very many minerals. I have since switched to the following:

Sublingual B12 - Cherry flavored
One Source Prenatal vitamins (the size of a regular Tylenol tablet - 2 at a time, twice a day).

I may take prenatal vitamins in the morning and a regular multivitamin with no iron at night (the one with no minerals) because too much iron can throw me into another impaction and I don't particularly want to go there.

Another bariatic patient found some B12 that contained other stuff like folic acid, but I figure if I'm taking the prenatal with folic acid anyway, then it would probably be okay just taking the good ole' regular B12.

Skipping stones

2011-08-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever skipped a stone across the water? Have you ever noticed that a single rock causes multiple disturbances in the water and for each time the rock hits the water, it causes multiple ripples? Making an important decision for your life is like tossing the stone into the water and hoping for the best. Once you take the initial plunge and make a "big decision", the consequences of those choices begin to affect things in your life and that change changes something else and its a domino effect.

My decision was to have weight loss surgery (i.e. the stone thrown into the water).. The consequences of that choice.. my ripples (if you will) thus far are:

I am losing weight - which I knew would happen, but its still the first ripple
Less stress on my joints
Seat belts fit me in almost every vehicle I am in
My feet don't hurt as bad. At the end of the day, they would just throb.
My clothes are hanging on me now and I am getting to the point where I will need a new wardrobe; always a positive thing!
Tight places (walking between things) are now not as tight, even though I still instinctively turn sideways to go through narrow openings even though I can go through them head-on now.
My stamina/endurance walking and doing other things (cooking, cleaning, etc) has multiplied.
When I stop to have a conversation with someone, I can do it standing and am not struggling to find a chair to sit down to take the pressure off my back. I am still having back trouble, but I think its because I slept funny on an air mattress.
My opportunities have broadened
Options I didn't think were options have now become choices (i.e. having kids, going to medical school, taking jobs in other departments that wouldn't require me to be as sedimentary, etc).

I had an epiphany - the realization that my ripples have only begun. The rest of my life will forever be little ripples and positive consequences of this one decision that I made.. and my life may be longer because of it.

Have a big decision to make? Do you ever think about when your ripples will begin? They already have.. Your ripples can be the consequences of an important choice that you have or have not yet made. Think about that the next time you skip a stone across the water. Your possibilities are endless.

Turds, Crap, Excrement, Poo... Whatever you call it, its a Sh!tty Subject

2011-08-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

Like it or not, sh!t happens. For bariatric patients, sometimes it happens less often than for most people. Seriously, as a bariatric patient, in my own experience, I am much less "regular" than I was before surgery. I first thought it was simply because of the reduced intake of an RNY patient, but as it turns out, I had an impaction/large bowel obstruction. I think what caused it was I was eating a lot of cheese because it's high protein and I had switched to a multivitamin with iron, even though my iron levels were within normal limits. I hadn't gone for almost 2 weeks and I passed a couple of squeaks of air but that was it. It was to the point that I couldn't eat or drink hardly at all other than a few sips of water throughout the day because my system was full from one end to the other. I was miserable. I was trying to work and it was to the point that I couldn't sit upright because it felt like I was sitting on a ball bat - not that I know what that feels like.

I called my Bariatric surgeon and because I did pass a couple of squeaks of air, he was confident that my large bowel wasn't totally obstructed since air was able to get through. He told me what to try first to get it resolved; he told me to add fiber to my diet, stool softeners, laxatives, and to try Miralax (which I think was named that because its a Miracle-Laxative), but still -- nothing. I called him again and told him there was no progress and he told me my last two options were laculose and an enema. I opted for the laculose (gladly). He called in the prescription and I went to another pharmacy (one that they didn't know me) and got a 6-pack of enemas. I figured it'd be a long night.

I took one teaspoon of laculose (which it called for 15 ml (1 tablespoon) but all I could get down at that time was 1 tsp. I'm not sure why, but thick syrupy consistency liquids make me go into spasms. Another bariatric patient that has become a good friend of mine has the same problem, or she did right after surgery; not sure if its still an issue with her or not, but it certainly is for me.

It took several hours, but it finally passed. I have been impacted 2-3 more times since and am having a hard time finding a balance. It seems to be either feast or famine. I have had trouble with my bowels my whole life and had IBS before the gastric bypass. Bad news, I still have IBS AFTER gastric bypass too. :-( This will probably be a life-long struggle for me. Did you know that they have a chart for your poo? Yeah -- they do. I added it below for you to see.

I'm not sure if any of you have been to a colorectal surgeon or a gastroenterologist (GI doctor) but I have had the "pleasure".. I guess you could say... of going to both. They show you this chart and make you tell them extensively about your poo.. the color, the texture, the shape, the volume, etc etc etc. I've never met anyone else who talked so seriously about sh!t. I understand more now than ever though, how important expelling your waste is from your body. I learned that from my cat having mega colon. My husband and I watched her suffer for 4 of her 6 years we had her. It ended up killing her in the end and she died in my arms.

So after going through that experience with our first pet, I am neurotically emphatic on making sure my babies (my dogs) go potty and that they are 'productive'. I never dreamed that I would actually have to track it though for myself. My IBS that I had before surgery always leaned toward diarrhea, so not going was never an issue. Normally the complications with RNY are more geared toward dumping syndrome instead of constipation, but honestly its a mixture of both. Some things that are supposed to give me dumping syndrome don't and the things that aren't supposed to make me dump, do. Right after surgery, I dumped for 2 weeks solid; it didn't matter what I ate or even drank it made me incredibly ill. I'm not sure what changed but one day it just went away..

Choices and their shades of gray

2011-08-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you had the world in your hands? the bull by the horns? A man by his ba-- . . . okay you get the point; but have you ever felt like your world was crumbling in your hands and you have no choice but to just let the pieces fall and try to fit them back together after you see how they land? Some choices in life are so very difficult and some are easy.

I know myself well enough to know that I obsess over important decisions and I overanalyze every aspect and every possible outcome of each choice. My sister and I were raised by loving parents who completely supported us in everything we did; they also disciplined us and taught us the difference between right and wrong. My sister (Amber) taught me and instilled into my core that life is a series of consequences of not only your actions but also your choices and to not carry the guilt of someone else's decisions, actions, or choices. I didn't fully understand that until I got older.

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"The best things are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of God just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain common work as it comes certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things of life." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"You cannot run away from a weakness, you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand?" - Robert Louis Stevenson

The last ten years has taught me the following things:

Just because you have moved out of your parent's house and are living on your own does not mean you are "all grown up". Growing up starts with you and the choices you make. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to put on your "big girl panties" and do the right thing, no matter the consequences; even if it puts you in a compromising position physically, emotionally or financially.
I had a conversation with a physician I work with last week and we discussed decisions and choices. His group of doctors that he has worked with for years walked out on our hospital and left our facility without the appropriate medical staff. His group took over another hospital in the area and he would go work for them from 5a-2p and then come back to our hospital and work from 2p-midnight, even though the other people in the group gave him a hard time because of it. His wife had just had their first baby, a little girl right at that same time and after working the double shifts, he would go home and walk his baby up and down the hallway to soothe her so his wife could get some sleep. This was his daily routine for a few months until we got a new group of doctors in to take over the contract. He did this everyday and never complained; he did it because it was the right thing to do. That spoke volumes to me about his character and who he is as a person and the kind of person I want to be. He humbles me everytime I think of him; he is such an incredible person, not just a kick-ass doctor who saves lives everyday. He taught me that the right thing to do is never the easy thing; struggle is a part of doing what is right, but it does get better and the struggle is worth it in the end.

Just in case you are wondering, this specific doctor and another amazing physician, who is also an amazing person, have broken away from the original group and have started their own group and are still here at our hospital running one of the subspecialty departments. I could not be happier that these are the two men we have representing that branch of our facility and their hearts are right where they need to be.

The people who are meant to be a part of my life will be and they will be there at the exact moment they are needed.
Every encounter with another person is an oppoturnity to change your life or theirs.
You have to learn to follow before you can lead.
Some people you will teach and some people you will learn from.
Making a decision and sticking to it and following it through with every ounce of your being can be the hardest thing to do, yet will be the most fullfilling in the long run.
Survival is the most basic human instinct but really living is a choice.

I have met lots of people on this journey I am on. Most of the people I have met had the surgery for good, valid, important, sincere reasons; for improved health, improved quality of life, or to open the door of possibilities - no matter how big .. or small...

I have also met people who chose this road for vanity and selfish reasons; for the attention that drastic change draws to you. I have not openly shared with everyone that I have had this surgery done. Its not because I think I made the wrong choice, because I didn't, but I don't want the unneccessary extra attention. But with it all and through it all, I have found that some what would be the hardest choices in life suddenly become simple when it really matters. My weight loss surgery was a huge decision and a difficult choice, but when it came down to losing my father way too young and me following in his footsteps, my path became clear.

"It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"Give us grace and strength to forbear and to persevere. Give us courage and gaiety, and the quiet mind. Spare to us our friends, soften to us our enemies. Bless us, if it may be, in all our innocent endeavours. If it may not, give us the strength to encounter that which is to come, that we may be brave in peril, constant in tribulation, temparate in wrath, and in all changes of fortune, and down to the gates of death, loyal and loving to one another."
— Robert Louis Stevenson

*******************************

I will leave you with an excert from another blog:

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more”:

LESSONS I LEARNED FROM LIFE

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come….
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

100 calorie snacks

2011-08-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

Click on the link, it'll take you to WebMD's pick

What will your heart do?

2011-08-11T08:43:00.001-07:00

Will beat 151,139 times, pump 2,217 gallons of blood, and push that blood nearly 26,098 miles throughout my body!

Created by MyFitnessPal.com

Need vitamin help?

2011-07-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

**Please see Update on Vitamin Help Post**

Lets face it, the bariatric vitamins are BEYOND nasty! They stink, have an aftertaste, and the chewable ones get stuck between your teeth and then you're tasting them all day. I had a hard time finding vitamins that were good for me and this is what I ended up with.

Might I add -- Every bariatric program is different. Mine requires:

B12 (morning)
Biotin (not required but recommended)
Calcium citrate (3/day)
Multivitamin (2/day)

Here are the brands that I chose and that work well for me. The RNY patients have the size restriction of anything bigger than a plain M&M not going through. The citracal petite is slightly bigger, but it goes through my pouch with no problem.

The red thing - HALLS COUGH DROP for size comparison!

Small pinkish pill - Nature Made B12 liquid gelcap
Small purple pill - Nature Made Biotin liquid gelcap
Yellow pill - Walgreen's brand multivitamin (bottle of 365); this particular one has iron. The ones with no iron are red, same size and shape (bottle of 365 also). **NOTE** This is a year supply for most people for ten bucks! and 6 months supply for bariatric patients who have to take two/day!
White pill - Citracal Petites

None of the pills have an odor or taste (at least not to me). They are not chewable or sublingual.. its down the hatch and forget about it which is MY kinda of Vitamin! :)

http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/walgreens-gold-seal-multiple-vitamins-with-iron-dietary-supplement-tablets/ID=prod3884902-product

Jen & The Government Goats..

2011-07-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking, the title of this blog post is kinda silly -- Its almost like 'James and the Giant Peach'.. Well, anyone who knows me, knows that I despise government workers - but only a particular branch... the kudzu eating branch... If you don't know what I'm talking about, please read the link associated with this to understand (Breakdown: The city of Chattanooga pays goats with government funds to eat the kudzu off the ridge)... and they make a boat-load doing it too!

Let me set the scene for you...

Known as "BBQ with a view"

Here is the view:

So Amber Brady and I went today to Sugar's Ribs on the Ridge. We had placed a to-go order and decided to hang out in the 50's style diner with a killer view of the city and the mountains in the backdrop and wait on our food. So, I was scoping out the restaurant and noticed a sign that said --> Goats... Yes.. Goats..

BABY BOY GOAT

Just any goats you say? Heck no! The government goats!!!!

BABY GIRL GOAT

We spent time looking at the baby goats, petting them and talking to them. They were brave and come right up to you for you to feed them or pet them.

We were taking pictures of us and the goats...

AMBER PETTING BABY GOAT

Here I am, getting my picture taken with the panoramic views of mountains behind me, unaware of what would occur just moments later...

Here we got a good shot of the whole goat family in the upper pin on top of the hill..

This particular pin had two babies and a mama and then there was a huge pin that had the "working" goats on the ridge..

Adorable huh?? -- Not so cute when they walk/eat/poo at the same time. Their anus is virtually invisible until it opens -- and it looks like a black hole pouring out rabbit turds.. and then when they're done, it closes up and disappears like it was never there! Talk about your multi-taskers ehh?

Future government workers -- talk about thorough training eh? Government work at its finest!

Absolutely disgusted at the non-manners of these civil employees (to sh!t in front of someone else -- while on the job -- thank you very much)... I turned my attention back to table where Amber was sitting..

UNSUSPECTING VICTIM:
Taking an innocent tour of the "goat" area..

MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER AMBER - CHECK HER OUT ON FIBRO OF OZ

On the table in front of Amber, was a brown paper bag that had the to-go BBQ sauce and it was wet. Apparently the BBQ sauce had opened inside it.

I turned behind me to get throw the messy bag away and I turned around and there it was

I was scared alive! One minute, he was at the bottom of the ridge by the road.. and I turned my back -- taking no longer than just a few seconds (just enough time to throw a lunch-sized brown paper sack away in a trash can).. and there he was.. in my face..

ATTACKER:

A goat..on its HIND LEGS - this far *small hand gesture* from my face... It's head was as big as mine and it had huge horns..

SCENE OF THE CRIME

attacker attempting a "smooth getaway", only to be caught red hand-- er hooved fleeing the scene.

One of the cups of BBQ sauce had fallen out of the bag and was still sealed.. I opened it and let the goat lick the lid and his eyes got huge and started lapping it up like there was goat cocaine in it!

I let him lick the whole cup of BBQ sauce up and he spilled a bunch on my fingers.. and I finally let him lick it off my hands.. After he licked it off my fingers, he kept licking his lips (as we call it in our family - blowing me sugar)...

And that's me saying "its like goat heroine" -- he was hankering for more!! Damn near jumped the fence for it...

I had to run inside and wash my hands three times. it was hysterical and scarey at the same time.. Then it was cool to be so close to them and infuriating that they were lookin for a "hand out" from me, knowing that they make MORE MONEY THAN ME!!! and you may be wondering -- do I still hate the goats? Yes... I STILL hate the gov. goats that make twice as much money as I do a year "working" three months during the summer... simply by eating... aye ye ya.. I guess I need to develop a taste for kudzu...

Oh and about the goat -- you may be wondering about him... Well justice was served.. thankfully with a side of pulled pork and grilled corn on the cob ;) And just in case you are curious -- the pulled pork came with a corn muffin, homemade dill pickles, and fresh sliced onion!

PRISONER BEHIND BARS = KARMA

Let Freedom Ring

2011-07-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

To begin this entry, I would like to thank all of the people who made my freedom possible. Thank you to all of the veterans, to everyone currently serving our country, and for all of the fallen soldiers who gave their life so we can all be free. I also realize, it is not only the soldier who makes the sacrifice, but also their families. Their children, their spouses, their parents, their friends and anyone else who worries about them while they are in active duty and holds down the fort at home, putting on a brave face for their children and their loved ones.

free·dom

–noun

1. the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedom after a retrial.

2. exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.

3. the power to determine action without restraint.

Independence, Liberated, Autonomous, To Be Free. . .

My captive has been my weight and my freedom is being released from the physical restraints of being morbidly obese. I know I am still in the "morbidly obese" category and I know I am still big, but I am getting a little bit more of my freedom back everyday.

This is a seat belt extender. I have had to use one in my car for the last two years because my seat belt wouldn't fit me. Yesterday, I was able to take it off and put it in my glove compartment. I no longer need it to feel safe in my own vehicle. I have lost enough weight that my seat belt actually fits me (without choking me or being so tight I can't breathe). So far, every car I have been in, the seat belts have fit.

I think the things that I appreciate the most about this whole experience are the little things. Seat belts fitting, being able to sit in a chair with arms, having to worry that a restaurant has a bathroom stall big enough that you can turn around in, being able to go to dinner and not worry about if the place has chairs or booths, or worrying about walking on something wooden (stairs, etc) and if it will hold your weight. I was able to go on a boat ride yesterday for the first time in 14 years. I walked up a plank across a muddy spot to the dock and was able to get on and was extremely comfortable. The little things that most people don't think about are what I appreciate. My freedom has been with this weight loss surgery, its given me the common, everyday functions of living back. I no longer have the worry, fear, and anxiety about going places, doing things, or being around people.

I am not sure how many people have read the book Eat, Pray, Love or have at least seen the movie.

Here is an excert from the book that changed her and it has changed me too. This was given to her in the context of her marriage dissolving and letting go and moving on, but I can apply it to my own life and maybe some of you could too.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM

These instructions were given to her at the ashram before her final ritual of letting go of her marriage.

1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.

2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3.The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out - on the outside and the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cool of the night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

9 weeks and 2 days..

2011-06-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

Today is 9 weeks and 2 days postop. Its also incidentally my husband's birthday. He's at home sick with an inner ear infection and I just happened to be off work today. He's laying beside me resting and I decided to go ahead and post to let you guys know what's going on. I am still struggling with getting my caloric intake/required protein and/or my fluids. I tend to get one or the other; rarely do I get both. I'm hanging in there. I have met several people that have had the RNY since I had it and I am trying to help them with the process. The first three weeks were the hardest for me pain-wise, but the last few weeks have been tough trying to get my intake.

Perseverance

2011-06-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

–noun

steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state,etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, ordiscouragement.

Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end,leading to eternal salvation.

*******************

The last two years has been incredibly hard on me and my family. We have all been through a lot of private, personal triumphs and have shed an endless amount of tears.

I also acknowledge that the people around me have had problems too. From having devastating heath issues, having loved ones with chronic illnesses, those who have lost loved ones, some who have children with drug problems, people having to do without and barely able to survive, living paycheck-to-paycheck, losing a parent, losing a brother, losing a friend, losing a lover.

The beauty in life doesn't exist in the big picture - what job you have, what kind of car you drive or if your house is on a cul-de-sac. What matters are the little things and knowing that when you are struggling that all you have to do is reach out and there are people there to help you. I have learned that whoever is supposed to be there for that moment - will be. I am trying to live my life that way. To try to find my purpose and contribution to every situation. If God puts me in communication with someone, that its for a reason and every encounter with another person is an opporturnity to change a life - either yours or theirs. There are some you teach and some you learn from. Be receptive to both, they are both necessary parts of a balanced life.

I must have a plan...

2011-06-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

They have said all along that this surgery is not an end-all fix-all, but a tool that can help you if you make the effort, have a plan, and stick to it.

I have made the decision to make changes in my life. I have the plan, am making the effort, and now I just have to stick to it. I need to integrate exercise into my everyday life, get enough nutrition to be productive, and get all of my vitamins/nutrients so I don't lose my curly brown hair!

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Ten

2011-06-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

One photo of me

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Nine

2011-06-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

First of all, I must apologize for my post. I tried for hours to get the recipes copied/pasted over from one blog to another and it kept giving me HTML script errors. I finally got frustrated and just decided to just link the pages directly to the portions that I wanted specifically for each group (bariatrics/sickies).

For Bariatric Patients - Please see the Recipes portion of my blog.

For Sickies - Please see my Cooking With Jennifer blog, particularly the No Bake Section.

Also - Browse the Sinful area. I hope you enjoy this section of my most treasured and most popular recipes. This is the list of things that people usually choose from when they ask me to bring something to work/family functions.

For sweets, the biggest hits are the Chocolate Lover's Dream Cake, Woody's Coconut Cream Pie and the various Cheesecakes.

For breakfast, Homemade French Toast with maple roasted bacon is always a favorite.

For dinners, I have several crowd pleasures, but my personal favorites are:

1. Homemade Chicken Alfredo.

2. Pizziti = a combination of Pizza and baked ziti

Feel free to nose around the entire Cooking With Jennifer blog at your convenience. There is a hodge-podge of different recipes that I have collected since I started the blog. I am also writing a family cookbook in my spare time and am planning on adding my grandmother's recipes when I get a chance.

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Eight

2011-06-12T03:00:00.000-07:00

Three pretties
For Sickies:

Just because you have a broken wing, doesn't mean that you have lost your desire to fly - but it also doesn't mean that you'll never fly again.

It was beautiful to me, to see the rose still blooming and still be as beautiful after the rain, even though it might have lost a petal or two along the way.

Life is hard, pain is real, and with a chronic illness, struggles are to be expected. I don't know why we were chosen to bear the extra burden and heartache, but try to at least see the beauty in the storm.

For Bariatric Patients:

The first glimpse of the beauty of a woman is seen in her spirit.

Know that you don't have to be thin for you to love yourself. In fact, if you do decide to have weight loss surgery, the journey will be easier if you already established that you're doing it for you.

If you do chose to make a change in your life, either through weight loss of traditional methods, surgery, or something else -- know that this part of life is a brand new adventure and you are not going through it alone.

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Seven

2011-06-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

Four Tips For Sickies
1. Write about how you are feeling - whether good, bad, sick, angry, whatever - either in a blog, a diary, or a forum. We all understand the emotional, mental, and physical pain of the illness but don't forget to treat your spirit too. Take the time to let some of the pain, the anger, and the frustration out and let yourself at least begin to heal. 2. Read other Sickie's blogs. If you allow it, life through someone else's eyes can change your perspective and also give you a better perception of your own condition. You may even pick up some good tips/tricks/treatment methods that you've never heard before that might can make a difference for your own problems - who knows, you might even make a friend along the way. 3. For those of you who are not allergic to animals, pets can be major therapy (i.e. dogs and cats). They help with blood pressure, anxiety, can help boost immunity, and most importantly, they love you unconditionally and they don't judge you for any decision you make - sickie related or not. Its been my experience that my animals know when a person doesn't feel well. They can sense it. Mine usually stay nearer to me whenever I am feeling less than okay. They honestly try to give me as much support as they can. 4. Make an extra effort to say thank you to your support system. Its just as important for a Sickie as it is for a bariatric patient, if not more so for Sickies to have a strong foundation on which to stand.

Four Tips for Bariatric/Weight Loss Surgery Patients
1. Go to your local support group meetings if you have any available. Some of the best support will come from other people who are experiencing the same thing and some of those bonds you form there can last a lifetime.2. Its okay to mourn food and grieve the part of yourself that goes away with all of the changes. 3. Make an extra effort to say thank you to your support system. I know at times I am a bitch, hard to deal with and can be extremely moody. My hormones are changing because of the changes in my system and my depression level goes up and down. I may cry, I may scream, and I may be silent. Be good to the ones that are there for you during everything. Try to remember, they may not quite understand what you're going through, but they are trying and they would do anything to help you but just may not know where to start. 4. Love yourself - who you were, who you are, and who you are going to be.

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Six

2011-06-10T03:00:00.000-07:00

Five Quotes that have stuck with me over the years
I learned the lesson that great men cultivate love, and that only little men cherish a spirit of hatred. I learned that assistance given to the weak makes the one who gives it strong; and that oppression of the unfortunate makes one weak. - Booker T. Washington (UP FROM SLAVERY, published in 1901)

I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. - Audrey Hepburn

I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. - Helen Keller

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. - Unknown

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Five

2011-06-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

Six Support Sites
For Sickies (Fibro/Lupus)1. Fibro Of Oz2. A Messy Happiness3. Felicia Fibro4. Chronically sILLy5. But You Don't Look Sick6. Fight Like A Girl ClubFor Bariatric Patients1. The World According to Eggface2. Thinner Times Forum3. Obesity Help4. Melting Mama5. Renewed Reflections6. Living After Weight Loss Surgery

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Four

2011-06-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

Seven Movies I could watch over and over againagain, no particular order1. Pretty Woman2. My Best Friend's Wedding3. Beauty and the Beast4. Ratatouille5. Dirty Dancing6. The Great Outdoors7. Uncle Buck
Seven movies that changed me after I saw them1. Taking Chance2. Million Dollar Baby3. Philadelphia4. The Green Mile5. Shawshank Redemption6. An Inconvenient Truth7. An Unfinished Life

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Three

2011-06-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Eight Songs that inspire me or lift me when I am down

These are in NO particular order

1. Born this way - Lady GaGa

This acapella version is somehow more powerful to me and draws me in more than her studio version. Its a song of power and self acceptance and that you're perfect just the way you are.

2. Just By Being You - Steel Magnolia

This song gives me hope that you don't have to give up your dreams due to chronic pain/illness. Hope that there is a place that exists where you can remove the mask of being a sickie and just be you - whatever that "you" is: a man, a woman, a daughter, a son, a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a friend, a lover. Even if you can only escape for 3:56.

3. How You Live - Point of Grace

No matter what your beliefs or your religion, sometimes you need someone to tell you to eat from your good china, take a few chances, let you hair down, and embrace every ounce that life has to give you. This song is that for me.

4. I'm Still Standing - Elton John

Life puts you through trials, tribulations, and obstacles and there is always pain along the way. I have always heard "God will never put you through more than he already knows you can handle." But sometimes, I wish he didn't have so much faith in us. With everything life entails, you have to keep your spirit, your true essence of you and don't let the pain, the illness, the past, the trauma, or anything else break you.

5. I Hope You Dance - Leann Womack

When you dream - dream bigger. Don't ever give up on love - not even for a second. Take every opportunity to see the beauty in yourself and in others and the wonder that surrounds us all. Thank you mom for all you've taught me as a child and for being my rock as an adult. I love you!

6. Say Hey - Michael Franti & Spearhead

Sometimes you need something that just makes you want to get up and dance - something that just pours sunshine into your spirit. I tried to have this as a ringtone, but I had to change because I would rather listen to it play than answer the phone. It was almost like I would forget that someone was calling because I always just got lost in the rhythm. Also - never pass up the opportunity to tell the people you love "I love you".

7. A Good Friend & A Glass of Wine - Leeann Rhimes

Sometimes, you just need some girl talk with someone who understands you. Time to share, time to vent, time to cry, time to laugh, and time to just be a girl. Sometimes you just need your sister. Amber this is for you! Show her some love and visit her blog Fibro Of Oz or follow her on twitter amberrlouise79. Heck, do both! :-)

8. Live Like You Are Dying - Tim McGraw

The original song was written by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman, but when Tim McGraw took it on as the title track to his 2004 album, he altered it to fit his own situation and even changed the entire perspective of the song. It was originally written from a father's perspective, giving the message to his son to embrace life and do everything you want to do before you die now - don't wait until you're given a death sentence. Tim flipped it around and adapted the song to reflect the situation that Tim was actually experiencing. The impact of the song was phenomenal. I still, to this day, don't know how he recorded the song without tearing up. The pictures and video of his dad in the background is just something to treasure. For me, I know my dad's been gone a year and I can't get through this song without feeling all flushed inside and tears uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks. Thank you Tim, for sharing such an intimate, painful part of you and for sharing the message and giving the rest of the world this gift.

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day Two

2011-06-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

Nine products that have helped me with my journey.

1. Baby wipes - I don't have any children so I never knew how versatile they could be. To freshen up after a long day, to keep that "clean feeling" while PMS'ing, and to soothe your toosh on those days where you have constant diarrhea from dumping. My daddy always said "thats the time when you pat instead of wipe" - he would've LOVED baby wipes!

2. Protein plus shampoo - made by a local guy here in my area. His company is called "The Hair Company" out of Soddy Daisy, TN and the protein plus shampoo is medicated with Urea and is the only thing that helps me with my psoriasis on my scalp. I have to wash it twice everytime I shampoo, but its the only thing that gets my hair perfectly clean and strips the scaley crap from my scalp every time.

3. Shower Caps - for the days when I'm hurting too bad to wash my hair. I can protect it from the moisture of the shower and keep the natural curl from frizzing.

4. King size heating pad - Even though I have had weight loss surgery, I am still a "big" girl. The "king size" allows me to use one heating pad instead of two or three and also helps the muscle/joint pain that comes with my size and my condition.

5. Blistex Mint Lip Balm or Burts Bee's Lip Balm - Either one puts all other chapstick to shame. Being dehydrated from not being able to get my intake effects my lips more than I thought it would. It also helps your lips not to dry out as bad if you sleep with a CPAP like I do. I put one of the two lip balms on every night.

6. Hand-held shower head - Mine is actually a dual setup. I have the rain shower head and then a separate add-on hand-held portion that has all of the different settings (gentle, firm, massage). I can focus the hot water right where it hurts. My house is equipped with both a tub in one bathroom and a shower in the other. The shower is a walk-in that is open and oversized, which is great for me being plus-sized. Since we've lived in the house, I've never been able to take a bath because I couldn't get out of the tub. Sometimes in a flare up, the one thing that will help with nothing else will is a hot shower, and the addition of the hand-held with adjustable massage options just makes it that much better.

7. Remote-Controlled Oscillating Tower Fan - I am spoiled and I am a big girl and I get ill when I get hot and having fibro, I get sick when overheated. For some reason, since being diagnosed with FMS, when I get nauseous, about the only thing that helps is cold air in my face. So A/C with an oscillating tower fan are a must for my boudoir. The cool air circulating around me just makes me rest so much better. Having a remote control makes it so much easier to adjust for my temperature changes when feverish/breaking a fever, etc.

8. Baby Powder - After I shower and dry off, I dust a little baby powder pretty much from my neck down. It keeps me feeling fresh and if I sweat, it helps me to not be self-conscious that I smell funky.

9. Anti-pull harness for walking my dogs - It helps me control my bigger dog when walking and the device itself automatically puts gentle pressure on her shoulders when she pulls too hard. She mainly pulls because she gets too excited about getting to venture out to a new territory. Having three dogs, it makes it almost possible for me to walk at least two by myself. On days when your muscles are aching and you need to get your excercise anyway and want some quality time with your pooch and he/she needs their exercise too, it can lend an "extra hand" and can eliminate some of the possible strain on your muscles/joints.

10 Day Sickie Challenge - Day one

2011-06-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would...

1.   say... that it took my father dying for me to realize that I needed to start living.

2.   feel... like I traded in a black jack for a red jack - I ended up with a jack either way.
explanation: jack = the struggle; black jack - before weight loss surgery with the health problems; red jack - after gastric bypass with all the pain from the complications, the infection, the endless dumping, the depression, and inability to reach the recommended daily intake of the things I need to survive.

3.   think... that medical school was not my ultimate goal in life. That I could have other options and still enjoy my career and be successful and happy and feel I am making a difference.

4.   miss... being a child. Being a grown-up sucks sometimes. I love the carefree, no responsibility, "I can do anything", fearless spirit of being a child.

5.   touch... so many strangers who I can now call my friends - through twitter, blogging, and the weight loss surgery community around me and online.

6.   dream... so closemindedly. When I started considering the GB/WLS, I saw all of the endless opportunities and options that would open up to me. It took me a long time to realize that what I want and what I need are two different things and that my best opportunities might just be the ones right in front of me. None of my dreams, no matter how big or how small, are unatainable - well except the one about being a petitie asian olympic gymnist. Thats definitely not happening.

7.   be angry... with myself for not seizing every opportunity I had in my life to spend time with my dad. I was so stubborn and wrapped up in my own life to notice that I didn't include him in it as much as I could have. We would clash a lot and argue from being so alike. I wish I would have made a better effort to get along with him while he was still here. I also wish that I would not have hit "Ignore" on some of his calls and that I could hear his voice one more time. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't get angry with him for calling me as a last resort because he was lonely and everyone else he really wanted to talk to wasn't home. I am angry at myself for not appreciating him more; for going to every practice and soft ball game and being my biggest cheerleader when I was a child, even when I struck out; for waiting on me and my sister for after-school band practice in the hot car after working a long day on his feet in a hot factory for peanuts.

8.   feel selfish about... my husband not being able to see his family more because he moved so far away from them just to be with me.

9.   want... children. I disliked children from a young age. At one point in my life, I wanted children and my husband and I even tried to get pregnant for five years. I think though looking back, it might have been subconsciously because I thought it would help me "keep him". I now know that my marriage is based on love and I don't have to have his children for him to love me.

10. enjoy... the quiet.

I never knew I could cry so much.