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WE HAVE MOVED 2 WORDPRESS!

2011-04-20T23:05:00.000+01:00

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Hey guys, due to issues of convenience and comfort, this blog has been moved to http://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com Sorry for all inconvenience. Content and quality is improved and commenting is made easier.
sorry again for any inconveniences
We (me, myself and i) await you there.
Cheers

Di-Vision

2011-04-05T16:14:00.001+01:00

"Variety is the Spice of life"… "it can also easily lead to death"----kelvin

You know that feeling of wanting something so much that you become ecstatic when you get it? Well, that's not what this post is about.
This right here is about making choices between things you want so much and whether variety actually helps make the decision easier..ah well, I really don't know the idea behind this post, I can only say that its different from any I've written because I write this from a hard place where my emotions can only be poured out and expressed as words on your screen.
I don't even know how to put this codedly so you dear reader won't know I'm talking from personal experience but since I got u here, I must as well just blurt it all out, abi? Well here goes,

I'm a go-getter kind of guy because I normally get anything I set my heart or sights on. (The 'Secret' is one book/Movie that does work for me).. and so as the year started, like I said in a previous post, I didn't set any goals, I just decided to flow with d tide. As my birthday (in January) approached, I became engrossed with something that I really wanted. I wasn't clear as yet if this was a 'want' or a 'need' and so I decided to allow 'Time' work its magic.
Its a common saying in this part of the world that "Time waits for no man..or woman", I daresay I learnt this the hard way. While I was waiting for some conviction as to whether I should 'pursue' this want/need, I was totally oblivious of the fact that as long as an item is displayed in a 'showglass', every other person can see it and they also might have equal desire to get it! Heck! That's why its called a showglass innit?

Here I was on a window shopping spree, but now staring at the one thing that had totally captured my heart. It was/is beautiful, heavenly, I could hear the 'ave maria' just beholding its beauty. It called out to me "take me kelvin" and I longed to heed that call. I began scheming on how I was going to turn this desire to an acquisition, transfixed as though under a spell…my senses conspired in one great conspiracy. The general consensus was clear:"I just had to get this!" but…

"Focus creates Blindness"… "but the blind can't focus"-----kelvin

If you've ever window shopped, you'll agree with me that u're faced with several options and more than one can catch your eye. Blindness is not necessarily the lack of sight but rather the absence of vision. And when you're 'shopping', variety of choices often causes a di-vision (which of course is divided vision) There's always that 'first' option and the 'second' or 'next best thing'. I had seen the 'second' but was hell bent on getting the 'first'. Nothing else mattered, it was get it or die trying. Nevertheless though, the 'second' had registered as it always does in my subconscious. So, I successfully pooled my resources together and headed back to the shop after a week to give myself the best birthday present ever. I skipped happily all the way, already imagining how beautiful life was about to become. The sky looked bluer, the grass greener and not even the annoying bus conductor could wreck my historic day. I got to the shop, walked in briskly, head high, turned to look at the spot where my prized desire was and then I saw it : "SOLD OUT…OUT OF STOCK!"

"WTF!" (What's This For?) "WTH!" (What's This Here?) "SHIT!" (Shaking Head In errr…*insert any appropriate T word*)

"When the desirable isn't available…" "omo, na to relax sure pass o!"----kelvin

'Sold out!' 'Out of Stock?' how? When? Why? Have you ever seen those kids that were flogged and are 'crying', mouth open but no words or tears come out? Just a squeezed, contoured face? Yeah… that's how I felt..Did this deter me in my attempt to get my 'desire'? YES! It did..how can you even ask such a question? And then like clockwork, my brain did a quick refresh and switched like a Tv channel to that subconscious option..the 'second' and so I strolled home downtrodden and thinking of what might have been. I didn't like the emptiness so I decided to 'replace' it immediately…with the second.
Much as I tried, my 'love' for my 'first love' didn't diminish, rather the craving increased..i was like an addict devoid of his drugs, I pictured, imagined, thought of how life would be beautiful if only...I hung on, believing...but who was I deceiving? I made up my mind, My first love is gone...I should 'purchase' the second choice, I had 'counted the costs' and was about to go back to the shop when I had a discussion with my 'conscience'..I knew that 2nd can never be first...Long story short and months later, the desire for the first had even grown stronger...nothing else mattered! It was first or nothing! I was going to bid my time..and hope!

"Hope springs eternal"… "just don't stay hoping till eternity, that's a LONG thing"-----kelvin

So here as I write this, I write with mixed feelings because now the 'first' is 'available' and I definitely am not going to dull this time..I'm not exactly ecstatic but I'm deeply excited...waiting for something can either increase your desire or tire you out as a result of the wait duration. In my case though, this is a wait worth waiting…soon, hopefully I can tap myself on the back and say that "patience and persistence pays"

I really don't know why I'm writing this, it just came in the spur of the moment and what better place to pen it for posterity sake than here on blogville.

Rejoice with me guys, I'm happy I waited for the Slim PS3 rather than settle for the Xbox!

"Don't judge the beginning or content till you get to the end"----kelvin

*sidenote: Happy birthday tomorrow (April 6th) to Blogville's finest laide @exschoolnerd Olabode...

..
Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

Her Reply

2011-04-01T07:24:00.000+01:00

*Yup..No Post..Run along...U've been fooled* #keepItLowkey..Do share d link...buhahaha
Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

Letter To Her

2011-03-29T09:31:00.001+01:00

*silence* door cringes, its 5am in d morning, huddled on a chair neckdeep in scribbling is this author...and then...a phone rings "...play any TerryG chant here* aaaarrrgh!!! There goes my epic intro...darn!!!

Hey y'all, welcome again to what promises to be a 'worth it' 10minute read..yeah, let's get str8 2d point--------------> .
Ok, 2 of my fave bloggers did a post recently that inspired this.. @exschoolnerd wrote a letter to her unborn girl child view here http://exschoolnerd.net and @nobsdasluushkid did one for his unborn son...since I was out of options n didn't wanna be cliche, I'm hereby writing this letter to my wife-to-be..

At Home (which is benin for now but will definitely change to Abuja (1st choice), New Lagos (2nd choice)

Hey sweetness, hon, babe, darlin, how u doing this beautiful day..yes I shall refer to u as any of d above n more most often, names like mama ____ will not be allowed in our home. What u will call me is up 2u as long as its not papa ___ or 'tomato jos' or 'jollof rice' Anyway, I'm sure u'll be too posh for that! So how are u? I'm going to skip the initial list of my preferences (tall, short, black, yellow, busty, slim etc) and go straight 2d issues..u can come from any part of d country although I seem to tend 2wds my type (no offense)..ok sweets, I know u're waiting for me somewhere, don't worry, I'm doing all I can to ensure that I'm with u in no distant time (say 'X'yrs from now) in the meantime, I hope u are not following men o! I hope nobody is 'doing' u...see I'm 'keeping' myself for u so u berra be doing d same. If uve been 'doing' tins, then u shd stop IMMEDIATELY u finish this note! Ahn ahn! No wife of mine would have shared things with every Punk, Dick and Horny that pays for BIS for her or takes her to GoldenGate..so u berra stop o! Ehen!!
Ok love, I'm a sucker for beauty I mean, look at me-u shd be able to complement all of this (yes)..this means I appreciate u looking good like always! Even in d house, I don't care how many wrappers ur mum n family friends gave u, they shd remain IN THE BOX they came with. The only wrapping u shd tie around d house is d duvet..ehen! Bum shorts are totally welcome, just ensure that u don't wear it in d presence of visitors (I don't want them drooling on our persian rug). Then hairnets, baybee I have no problem with them, as long as they don't smell like a skunk curled up in there and died..and err, u don't need to wear em all d time we r home.I love running my hand thru ur hair..ehn? What? Its Brazilian?! Ehen?? So brazilians don't run their hands..what rubbish! Behave o! *exhales*..
Yeah, pls ensure u spice up your underwear collection, Victoria Secret is definitely in (I can't wait to 'reveal' d secret) don't buy Victor's secret o! Ehen. Granny things are OUT! G-strings, C-strings even No-strings are allowed! Just be Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!!!
Alright babes, u know how ladies say "men are liars and cheats?" Here's d deal: I WILL lie to u! Yes I will!! Relax, calm down first naw, lemme explain! Haba!! Ehen! U should be happy I'm giving u dis heads up before time sef..yes as I was saying! I will lie to u..whenever we have a function to attend, know that I will reduce d time by 2hrs so that we will get there on time still, taking into consideration how u ladies need about 2hrs to fix your face but still to avoid delay, I'll make sure you have your own car so you can meet up..Also B, pls know that on days when I'm tired or ure delaying, my 'default' answer to d question "how do I look?" Will be "fine"....and Yes, I will cheat you..I don't know how yet, but I'm working on something and it doesn't involve another woman...or man! Maybe eating from your chicken when u ain't looking or something like that!
Now let's talk cooking..they say d way to a man's heart is his stomach, well that doesn't apply to me sha. I don't see why u shd go thru d stress of passing d stomach 2d heart when u can just go thru d chest...Anyways, (u'l get that if ure smart..I'm sure u are)...so yeah, I'm not so much of a food freak but I love 'eating'. I will come 2d kitchen often, help u slice stuff here n there, watch u waltz around with nothing but the CD player on..hehe..and then we can have interval 'snacks' *winks* while we await d food..(Yes its our house n we can parry where we wanna)..does this make me a sex freak? My dear, do u buy a BB and leave it without BIS all thru d yrs? Hian!! See groove o! U think I've been torturing myself watching spartacus for nothing? U think I read Nackson and Better Lover those days just bcos I loved reading? We musto do utunnu, everywhere..living room, kitchen, library/study, terrace, bathroom, visitor's room...be prepared o! How did we leave d issue of food and enter sex sef? Ah well, its a common progression. I'm sure u will get used to it.
Alrighty then, to d issue of kids..err..well, its d 21st century so having kids like rabbits is so old fashioned, I'm thinking we do a maximum of 3, I'm just thinking sha, ehen! But during our first year of marriage, we aint gonna be 'doing' for kids o! Abeg, I don't want no baby sucking from the same milk factory yet, after one year she/he can join! I'm selfish? Oh yes! Leaf it like dat!!! Moving on cupcakes, this part is quite sensitive so we must tread with caution. It concerns the REMOTE! Yes that object used to control the TV...well, naturally its a male toy and we get the best from it when we hold it, it just makes the world more beautiful..whenever I'm with it, I'd appreciate if u just quietly come and cuddle beside me, play with my chest hairs and whisper sweet nothings into my ear..telling me to get the door or help u get sth at dat time is a No-No! If I'm watching footie, oh! That's like new year service, hard to miss...also babes, pls get some PS3 or Xbox experience cos we definitely are gonna have that in our home..imagine me thrashing u in FIFA or both of us teaming up in Call of Duty..mad stuff, and when we r victorious, we can have mad, steamy sex..*oh get a grip kelvin* anyway, u catch my drift yeah? In our home there shall be no 'do me, I do you' so don't expect me to sit n watch AfMagic with u..I can endure desperate Housewives and Cougar Town but jim Iyke n Tonto Dike? Hell NO!!! What kinda name is Tonto Dike sef? Take out 2 letters from d name and u have a whole new meaning...smh..
Oh! BTW, I'm a good repairman, I can change bulbs and fix in batteries, that's it! The fact that I studied engineering doesn't mean I can fix d TV or d generator or the blender/toaster...let's not be greedy, let d money go round.
Okay love, I've written a lot and I'm sure with these few points of mine, I've been able to paint a clear pic..let's not go into how we'll treat inlaws n stuff, joint accounts etc..we'll yarn that one during d honeymoon..and yeah, just incase ure one of d expectant 'wedding night action' ladies, errr...pls bear with me if I sleep off based on stress, heck! We've got our whole lives ahead of us...I love u already B, u can like to show up now in girlfriend form..emm..if ure in unilag now, there might be a problem, covenant uni is a plus but a graduating 'test' will have 2be done 2ensure that goods invested in are in perfect condition.

This letter is written with love and sealed with a kiss.
XXXXXXXXXXX <--------shebi this is kiss?

Ok peoples, the letter has been sent, not by NIPOST sha, so that she gets it on time..Meanwhile, allow me to welcome to Blogsville my *clears throat* darling @SlimSiren . You should please check out her stuff on http://slimsiren.blogspot.com She's one helluva writer and pls carry your brains along when reading her stuff, u know here we just drop 'em n read along but u're gonna need 'em there! Heehee

Its a wrap people, if this blog has inspired u to do great things and explore your hidden potentials to make this world a better place, pls share with your family and friends and help them tap their untapped strength, dormant ability...oh shut up kelvin! U're not THAT good!!!

*walks away, pen in mouth*

Fruits and Friends...

2011-03-25T07:59:00.001+01:00

Yes o! My people...nuttin dey happen! *kelvin! Behave, be posh!!!...ok sorry..hey people, I got this beautiful piece from a dear friend of mine and I feel its something I should share with y'all..I couldn't have thought this up myself so I'm not even gonna try take the credit (but then again, I use etisalat o if ure led)..its a piece on friendship done by @ThelmaTweets ...enjoy

I had an enlightening convo wit a new 'friend' the oda day. It went diz way:
'I recoil when I'm lied to', I said to him and my new friend replied, 'I'm sure you don't have many friends'. And yes, how right he was/is. I don't have many friends but I have people that consider me their friends because I am the-go-to-person-when-you-need-an-advice-or-serious-talking, aka Shrink. And Yes, doctor/patient confidentiality is absolute with zero naira charge. And yes, I love being that friend.
I'm not writing this to tell you about my deplorable friendships and the commendable ones, nah!!! Let's just go on a cheap friendship bus ride. Seeing dat I seldom have friends, talkless of ones that care about me, I mean, 'come on Thelma, u r the strong smart one, u don't need care', I feel poorly equipped to maneuver this steep, sloppy, yet difficult terrain but endure my tirade, please? I have always been the giver and had always been contented wit that (a case of how do you miss what you've never had) until I fell sick the other day.
Incidentally, my two friends (Friend A and Friend B- classed according to their advent) learnt of my ill health thru the same source @ approximately the same time and of course, both threw their pity my way. Excellent!!! But the latter, (friend B) checked in,again and again and again - oh, have u seen a doc, what drugs did u buy, then he continually reminded me to take my meds morning and night till it finished. The former, well, the former forgot.
In friendship, we have d givers n d takers. When two givers befriend, it grows and sprouts in different directions and becomes a meaningful bond dat can be looked back upon in d future wit a glint in d eye, beautiful memories and smiling lips.
When a giver befriends a taker, the former cares, strives, suffocates, resuscitates, crumbles and the taker just nods like the proverbial proud Lizard that compliments itself after a jump...but how long can he really keep trying? And the friendship is lost in the never ending sea of maybe, if, wudda, shudda, cudda.
I know u may have an argument- oh yes, friendship is like a tree- it grows, blossoms, bears sweet, sour, beautiful, jaw slapping fruits, then it withers and dats d end- but, aint we forgetting d fruits? Cuz I love fruits - juicy, fleshy, high in vitamins which is vital and indispensable to our overall health- u get the picture?
The two friends mentioned earlier are both special but each with his unique idiosyncrasy and depth. Sometimes, we have so many friends and some just fall by d wayside. That's the natural- but - aided -by -u -progression, afterall, just one call could have cheated nature out of it.
But, what kind of a friend are you?
...That listens but don't hear,
hears but don't care,
takes and don't give.
When you cant give immaterial things , I just wonder about the material.

Be the oak your friends can rely on.
Be the voice of reason in despair.
Be the smile on a hellish day.
Be the gentle breeze that soothes.
The loving arm of strength who chides and encourages.
Be that friend and more.
Yes, Friendship is a long snake like road, but the knowledge that you'll meet me halfway hardens my resolve to persevere. Do not let it wilt away.

As I close this, permit me, in d indefatigable spirit of friendship to send warm tots yet again to @vivisleek who lost a dear friend that got me weeping incessantly and @KevinwitAnL whose Uncle passed away thankx to an unfriendly health sector. May their souls rest in perfect peace as they rest wit the lord.
This is dedicated to my BFF - Oludotun Olaoye @xxi_v and Queeneth Eyoita @Qblundie - How wonderful my life is, now that both of you are in it.

@ThelmaTweets

Aww...u see, I told u this was a great piece. Now I'm wondering what kinda friend I am. We've all gotta make adjustments somewhere to make things better. Don't be a stiffneck, be flexible...ok! Till d next post which promises to be totally mad, take care of yourself and each other...

Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

RECaP

2011-03-18T12:59:00.001+01:00

Hey Guys, Ok it's been quite a while I actually wrote anything about myself and the happenings in my life. So this post is going to be a revert to the good ol' days. Don't be acting as if u don't care, my life is more fun than most nollywood movies and I as the star actor am more talented than your cranky heroes on Tv..hate me if u like, it don't change the cost of rat poison…so err…yimu, yari, yodi and d rest, if u don't know d meaning of the last 2, ask any Tawaklitu near you…lets see, where do we start? Ok, we'll start from where we stopped (wherever that is..)

A lot of water has gone under the bridge #NoTsunami..since my last personal post sometime in January ..its been a great, fast paced year and here we are almost done wth the month of March, before u know it, the year will roll up, that's if it doesn't on May 21st o...a lot of us are forming strong now, nuttin dey happen..try n picture May 20th..I can bet that many people will repent that day, say prayers, some will not tweet so that they won't ga'an yarn dust..Twitfight ke? Everybody will be on their best, some will change handles from sexybootay to IluvSaintpaul, Odinabarbie to OdearLord...I can't wait mehn. Naked avatars? How?! Agbada things or Cele gowns will reign...If ure among those who doesn't have a sense of humor, u might wanna get one cos the lighter u are, d more rapturable u are ok? Alright! Twitter guys will go first cos we get d news first so by d time d Trumpet 'flashes', we don move already..then those on facebook, 2go, MySpace, Hi5 then NTA...hehe!

During the the past days also, we all woke up to d Earthquake/Tsunami/Nuclear explosions in Japan..sad stuff...I hereby on behalf of u my reader send our condolences to them.. As d day passed, I wished all d Broadcasters on my BB were in japan, somebody will just sleep n wake up and snd me a DUMB b/cast abt how sept 11 (usa), Nov 11 (haiti) and Mar 11 (japan) have something in common so I shd repent. I know I look dumb sometimes but ahn ahn, on a scale of 1 to Mr Ibu, I'm still somewhr on Mr Bean's level…the one that is reigning now is lady gaga and illuminatti , who gives a flying rats' tail if na she be d antichrist sef? How does dis BC affect BIS price? cos d rate some people BC makes me believe their service providers have told 'em "d more u BC, d longer ur BIS lasts" ooooohhh!!!! Now I don't know what I was trying to say before I digressed, u people should always draw me back when I start going OP, it normally happens when…*sigh* here I go again…I shd just start a new paragraph…

Okies, so yeah, story of my life…at some point in January, I realized that my search for 'The One' had become a serious matter o! as in peeps on my BBm will ping, say hi, then d next question is "ehen! Have u found d one?" if I had like D'banj's money, I'd have organized a reality show "The search for the One", criteria for entry will be..1.Must be female 2.must be Twitter Savvy 3.Must be person in Twitter Avatar, 4.Must not appear in @GbagaunDetector's Favorites 5.Must be Christian,witty, smart etc…Pls o, I am not asking for applications..i said 'IF' o..ehen!! so, it was so serious that I received lots of resumes and Cv's on BBM , serzly..this one chic sent me her stats and pics to corroborate the stats *covering eyes*, the pics eh..well, people have liver sha..I'm sure most of YOU will die if peeps shd see d pics on ur fone..me I'm innocent sha, just DP's n wallpapers..no wande coal things! Yeah, bak 2d issue, some of u reading this now sef tried or are trying to hook me up with ur friends..*yes you* don't look away, u reading this from ur BB* I received lotsa group invitations but I declined all..groups like "singly mingling", "hottest hook-ups" haba!! Na so I desperate? So, to alleviate the situation, I decided to refocus my blog and do some storylike posts hence the change from online diary to just that!…I'm a smart guy ba? Haha..i know!!! It worked cos I didn't get any questions, offers or favours anymore.

The question for the 50 million naira is then *in Frank Edoho's voice* "have u found the ONE?" My response: *exhales* "well…" *frank interrupts* we will have his final answer in subsequent posts… *sigh…so guys don't blame me, blame frank..and yeah u'll know the answer someday, keep watching this space, I SHALL dedicate a whole post to her, then u will know...but..oh yeah, should I say this? Ah well ok...*in d late Nate Dogg's voice* "Hold up" I do have to report myself 2u guys: about a week ago, I broke a girls heart.yeah..*sigh* u see, I thot she was d ONE n she qualified on almost all counts, d chemistry was crazy and I had expressed my feelings and stuff, she was all that a guy could want BUT...(Here comes that line ladies hear often) "it wasn't her, it was me!" No seriously, I had even planned on how to go see her n stuff...I believe its better you end something before it starts than lead someone through something that's not going to last...so I ended it...hey! I know u're reading this now, I might be a jerk now but I'd have been a bigger jerk eventually...U're good peoples and err..I don't know what to say but.. I know ur ONE is also out there!
so moving on, wat else has happened? Oh yeah..Arsenal…*sigh* my heart bleeds everytime I think about arsenal, allow me to say here that I've been an arsenal fan since way back 1994 (seriously), oh! im sorry my female fans who don't like football, bear wt me a bit..tnx luvs..Anyway, last year I said 'if arsenal doesn't win a trophy this year, im done" im tired of defending d team wt the excuse of "we play good football" or "we are fine boys"..na that wan we go chop? We will be playing, ManU and Chelsea will be winning, WTF? Instead of Wenger to buy players, hes saving money..for what? A nose surgery? We lost 3 cups in 3 weeks, and then somebody will say "u cant lose wat u don't have" eez a lie o!! u can! Lets see how d season ends then I'll do a special post on Arsenal, kinda like a story and Arsenal's character will be a chic with no boobs #GoFigure…Ok, enough footie, lets not allieniate d females.

In Other other news, erm some of u may think that I live on Twitter or here in Blogville but I really do have a professional life and that involves Business Consulting…yes, im into facilitating biz trainings and stuff, Ha! U never woulda guessed huh? It comes easy, I love talking cos I have a voice worth listening to…#NoPstChris..so anyway, this past week, I was able to seal a deal. what makes this one epic is cos I normally do the trainings after d deals have been sealed. This was my first time of chasing and closing a deal, I presented to the whole Mgt team from branches around d country and this your humble guy 'WOWED' them, after my presentation, they all rose, gave me a standing ovation, a vote of thanks and even prayed for me..Ha! at that point all I could think of was "men! This is gonna be some good money!" Anyway, at d meeting with d chairman to discuss the cost, my budget was slashed more expertly than batussai in SamuraiX ..ibo men dey negotiate sha..when the guy brought out his big calculator, I knew I was finished! In all sha, its still a good deal for me…hehehe can I start singing 'boys don hammer?' not yet…more like boys don find d nail!

Some other money making outlets opened through Twitter also but im still going to keep that on the down low till all groundwork is done n stuff is finalized..again I say TWEETING PAYS...ok what else? Oh yes! Im in the process of entering for a 10 day writing workshop in lag to be hosted by renowned writer Chimamanda Adichie sometime in june (Thanks @tobiamoo and @MsJazzyfied for the hook up), we had to write an article of 200-800 words to be selected for it (selection hasn't been done yet, hola @ me if interested..entries close April27th)...as me I didn't have the strength to write anything new, I had to edit one of my old pieces from 1284 words to 798..(Thank God I have an Editor now) trust me, its easier to boil fried egg than to edit a masterpiece..by the way sha, im not really going there to learn #Lowkey, me i want to spend 10 days with one girl like this (details coming soon), I hope we both qualify to attend sha…buhaha!!!

Moving on, I really don't know in what direction we r moving but lets just move…yeah, we had a Tweep gathering in benin d other day, met cool guys @MrEndowednaija, @MoFame_ @sigarda @elceedutchess @eromzy @Okhai_Hov @rukaspumpin @mjhainee @iam_DjNiro and my pals from #TeamOzone @BragginRightz @jo_rox_anne and @eibeedee…Great fun…they said I was easy to spot (u see I AM my avatar), we had a nice time I must say...next time sha, we want more ladies around eh? and er u might wanna follow them on Twitter, lets increase d family…

Rounding up though, I must say that its been a great year so far, I've met wonderful people, I know I've hurt some , let me say here that I'm sorry, I've insulted some (#TeamYabaLeft), no hard feelings eh, just pick on someone your own size next time..MWAH!!, I've trashed some (FIFA things) such is life…but above all, I have loved, oh yes! The future is bright as long as NEPA stays away from it, ive stopped waiting to discover if d light at d end of d tunnel is light or an oncoming train, past experiences has taught me that it is most likely a train..i realize that after it has hit me! (Ha! Classic, lemme go tweet this BRB)…Yeah! so nowadays, I just move on to d next tunnel…now though, ive got a gen that lights up d whole tunnel, I can see clearly now and in the words of Naija's next best RnB crooner 'Funbi' : "its YOU I see" <----that was a sub

Yeah, so my Gbagaun people and those on Haterade, u made it all the way down here? I really shd appreciate u for the effort, but I'll do that when D'banj interviews GEJ..oh! that has happened already? *sigh* your bad…here's some advice from one genius to you: " " Yeah, u can't read that? Oh right..its only for the intellectual! *peace out*

Which Way?

2011-03-11T15:07:00.000+01:00

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this first ever round table discussion, the table is square though cos we couldn’t get the carpenter to make a round one on time..Today, we are privileged to have in our midst 3 able bodied men and a woman who are vying for the soon-to-be vacant post of president of this country. They are here to briefly outline to us their plans and strategies for the devt of this country..I shall be your host on this trip, my name is @KevinWithAnL.

Allow me to introduce our participants: we have Dr and Dame Umblerra, Mallam Broom and D General. Ok, we start of with the Dr…”A great day to u sir and we r honoured 2hv u In our midst wt your popular wife, can u in a nutshell tell us ur plans if u become president”

Dr Umblerra: Thank u young man, u see a nutshell cant contain my plans. U must understand that I am a child of fortune, even my name proves it, my mother christened me ‘goodluck’ and ever since, this name has been working for me..The bible says “Never give another man yawa, because who God has blessed, no man can curse’
Me: Errr…that’s 2face sir…
Dr Umblerra: exactly, I am blessed..i have plenty plans but it will not be wise to reveal them here so that my political enemies will not tiff them and start using it as their own. Infact, I am just coming from the copyright commission where I went to copyright the plans so nobody can use it.
Me: Sir, can this Umbrella cater for the totality of the citizens of this country?
Dame Umblerra: *interrupting* My fellow young man, I have said this thing in time of past, I haff ask this question in times of number “where are u going to press your hand?” it is Umblerra, from the top to the lower one, Umblerra throughout.. Dr Umblerra “interrupting* thank u dear wife, so u see young man, it is not a big umblerra, we don’t want a crowd-if u can buy a space for about 20million naira per head, no problem!
Me: Sir, 20 million!! Does this mean we are paying to enjoy our rights as citizens?
Dr Umblerra: Young man. What d elders see sitting down, u cannot see standing up sef..20 million is small o, do u know how much the flour and icing sugar costs to bake a national cake? Everybody wants a piece but they don’t want to contribute. Dame Umblerra *interrupting* I don’t understand this youthful man, me that is going to market, I know d price of things, if u didn’t have 20million, umblerra cantint cover you but make sure u press ya hand for umblerra!
Me: Ok sir and ma, lets move on to our next participant…Mallam Broom..ur plans sir?

Mallam Broom: yowa! First of all young man, are u shuwa ure not into yahoo, u look like those boys in café and that camry I saw u parking makes u more of a suspiect!
Me: yahoo?! No sir! Im only into Twitter
Mallam Broom: oh! Is that wat you feefle call it now eh? And all of u playing with BB abi?i shall be watching all of u..infact, I shall ban and arrest anyvody I see looking down and plessing fone..Anyway, my flans fo d country are summed up in the words a wise man once said “…for instance, say I be d baale of 9gerians, shey I go dey respect ur own stance,me I go prepare d scenery for better to plenty…Nothing I dey happen!”
Me: Sir, that’s 2face again…
Mallam Broom: Young man, I dey craze? Will I let me finish? i will sweep u away just now *dame interrupts* come under d umblerra my fellow youngman* u feefle think its easy to come back from exile and be president? I am a man of integrity, I am a corruption expert..corruption hears my name and bolts – usain! I haff come to sweep…
Me: so sir, ur plan is to sweep?
Mallam Broom: E wo ode yii sha? Abi won shekpe fun e nii (translates; ode! Abi dem swear 4 u?) What else do u use broom to do? Do u think I came here to pound ewedu? My plan is to sweep..#ThatIsALL

Me: Ok, moving on, we have our last participant here, D General…Sir, u have been trying to become president since the old millennium, don’t u think u should rest? Isn’t it clear that there is no hope?

D General: Young man, a wise man once said “I know say no be everybody sabi play ball, but Arise o’compatriots if Nigeria call…”
Me: *sigh* 2face again…
D General: Exactly! I know I cant play ball, I know I wont win this election but the song said we should Arise, 9ja has called…I have arisen…I shall continue to arise as long as I can rise *walahi, I dey rhyme sha*
Me: your choice of running mate is quite interesting, can you explain the criteria behind this move
D General: hahaha!! Actually, he’s not going to be VP, I put him there so that he can be praying and seeing vision. They say keep your enemies closest..My son lemme tell you my plans..unlike my fellow contestants, I have a plan..i want to provide good roads, housing, employment, food, electricity..

*dame interrupts..pless your hand for umblerra…we haff stayed for the Aso Rock since 2003 and NEPA haff not being take the light..that it is the power of Ebele my husband..my fellow readers, let us enjoying togerra..President-Umblerra, Governor-Umble…*

Me: sorry ma, its not your turn… Dr Umblerra: Are u telling my wife to shut up? Me: No sir..im just saying she should exercise patience…Dr Umblerra: Oh! So u’re callng her fat? Me: fat? No sir…its just an expression… Mallam Broom: you see why we are not moving forward? Simple English….D General: mallam sit down, whaddyu know about English? Mallam like u… Mallam Broom: see this cattle rearer calling me mallam..old cargo, I will sweep u away just now..#NoOperation…D General: you can’t fit…. Mallam Broom: YES I CAN! Dr Umblerra…u’re forming obama abi? After this election, u will start singing Oh na na..wats my name… Dame Umblerra: Yezz darris my song: oh na na whats my names? Its my gurl adanna that sanged it… Dr Umblerra: I thot Chi-gurl was your girl…Dame Umblerra: yes now, Chioma Chi-gurl is my fellow girl, no weisting…

*banter continues*

Dear readers, I don’t think any conclusion can be drawn from this round square table meeting…I think what we need is a national debate where we can really hear their plans and strategy..till then, my personal opinion on this matter is to vote for the wisest man here present: 2FACE!! Afterall, they all quoted him, he has shown that he can take care of a nation by taking care of his numerous wives and kids, he will not be biased politically bcos he’s not even married sef…
Please as election day draws nearer, do the right thing, weigh your options and vote, no be by force sha cos serious shit can be catching u that day..no shit for body o…

God bless the Federal republic…

DISCLAIMER: The post u have just read does not represent the political views of the writer, infact, the writer has no political views because he is politically blind. This is a work of fiction and should be taken serious at your own risk..but if 2face decides to run sha, tell him I can be a good media man for him…#okbye… Haters, I shall attend to you when Chris Okotie and Sarah Jubril win an election.

*dodging chairs, and bullets from Dame the Damager*

In My Head

2011-03-03T16:49:00.000+01:00

This is going to be a short post...

I promise, this Shall be a short post...did i hear u say 'get on it with already!" My friend, is it your blog? ehn...is it? Free me abegi...i almost stopped at that line..imagine coming here to read "This is going to be a short post! i should try that sometime!"

Its always a great feeling I feel when I successfully put fingers to keyboard/keypad and churn out another post. Its like the feeling YOU get after you release the demon poo that had held you bound on the way from the office, in the bus, through the traffic..you know that feeling of lightness and UberRelief that only toilets can bring…great stuff I tell ya! So, we are gathered here today to view what promises to be a ‘test read’..Yes! a test read! I have received lots of comments on how deranged I am, crazy , insane and all that nice stuff-im deeply grateful…I think my Twitter bio does justice to that, However, this piece is rated INSANE…if u can successfully read and understand the dialogue in this piece then u my friend can pat yourself on the back and take a seat on the invisible insane anonymous chair over there!! I don’t belong to #TeamYaba anything cos I think my craze senior their own…let this be the test of yours..Read and try to understand.

Goodday Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard this KWAL flight 419 from where you are to where I’m taking you. my name is @KevinWithAnL and I shall be your captain on this flight..our destination is Brain: Left side, Your hosts awaiting your arrival are Me, Myself and I…please ensure that your seatbelts are tightly fastened once the seatbelt sign comes up, there are no emergency exits on this flight so sit still and enjoy the ride. We shall be cruising at heights of ecstasy so feel free to orgasm at anytime..Thank you for choosing KWAL..where we don’t really care about safety but satisfaction!

*on arrival at Left side: Brain*

‘I’: Hi! Welcome to the Brain: Left side..As you must have discovered from his bio and tweets, this is where all the rubbish and insanity that @kevinwithanl feeds you with comes from. We like to call it ‘Headquarters’. We shall attempt to help you understand how he ticks..of course you should know that there are voices in his head that govern his actions…u didn’t know that? Oh my! Ah well, ‘I’ am just one of them. I shall allow ‘ME’ to introduce the occupant of Headquarters.

‘ME’: Yes like ‘I’ said, welcome to headqtrs, there are 3 major occupants here: me (that’s me of course *giggles*), Myself and I (who spoke earlier). Oh! Please make yourself comfortable, let me go and find Myself. ‘I’ will continue till myself and me return…

‘I’: Alright, while we await me and myself to return, lets talk about I for a bit (yeah, I’m rastafari like that)…I’m the sole male occupant here in headqtrs, I’m like the head of this Trinity, everyone does what I say, they eat what I like, write what I think, fart when I say so…i mean, I’m just too much. I don’t try to be me or myself, I’m just I (jah rasta!!)..but here’s a little secret, I’m kinda in a fix cos *whispering* I love Me…and I also love Myself..Shhh…don’t ever let ‘em hear it!

‘ME’: Back!!! And I’ve found Myself too..

‘I’: oh! There you are, where were you?
‘MYSELF’: Ah well *sigh* just being myself really…wandering around..
‘I’: Ok, fair enough, we have this visitor who wants to meet us all, I was just telling ‘em how I run things here…
‘MYSELF’: You run things? That ain’t true, you cant do that without ‘Me’!
‘ME’: Exactly! You need Me to make things work!
‘I’: says who?!
‘MYSELF’: says ‘Me’ duhhh….
‘I’: Are you supporting her?
‘MYSELF’: I’m not supporting…as usual, I’m all by myself, I’m just saying…
‘I’: Do you have a problem with I and I ?
‘ME’: Abeg don’t start that Rasta accent with me jare…
‘MYSELF’: ‘I’ , don’t mess with ‘Me’…
‘I’: and whose side are you on?
‘MYSELF’: On the left side (isn’t that where we all are? *shrugs* Smh)
‘I’: alright, lets quit the arguments and be nice to our visitor.
‘ME’: ok, should I Introduce Myself?
‘MYSELF’: Are you asking, ‘Me’?
‘ME’: Just wondering, ok…go ahead
‘MYSELF’: Thanks, dear visitor, you must have been welcomed by Me and I, Well I’m always by myself and most times, as a result, im sad…why? Well one day, the words “I love Me” were said by I while I was in the shower…
‘I’: WHAT?
‘Me’: ME?
‘Myself’: ‘I’ admit it, you love ‘Me’
‘I’: I do!
‘Myself’: There, you see?!
‘Me’: but ‘I’ cant love ‘Me’
‘Myself’: Why?
‘Me’: cos ‘I’ love(s) ‘Myself’
‘Myself’: Me?!
‘Me’: Yes?!
‘I’ : I am DEAD!

*Both staring at i*

‘I’: ladies calm down!
‘Me’: Calm down? How can I say that?
‘Myself’: Just come out and be plain…Me or Myself?
‘I’: err…err…I love U !
‘Me and Myself’: U?! and who the ‘ell is U?

“U” dear reader is you reading this right now, allow me to at this point appreciate your frequent visits to this post. Yup! You are the reason I try to at least put up something here cos I know that I add to your day in my own little way. So from the bottom, blackest part of me heart, I wanna say I love u! (if you’re a lady, I mean it more..guys u know now..fistbump!)

Yeah! so u made it thus far. Are u still sane or have I beyond reasonable doubt proven that you are probably just as crazy as I am..if u were able to understand the above dialogue and make sense out of it, then congratulations! U are now qualified to add the title ‘insane’ to your CV, resume or Bio! That was just a typology of the arrant nonsense that plays out in my head on the regular (serious o!)..What else is left to say…errr…safe journey to wherever you came from..this was a one way flight so ure gonna have to find ur way back by urself! Haters and Henemies…I really don’t have any words for y’all cos I don’t think u made it this far..your brain capacity can’t contain such brilliance...i’m sure u died while processing the first paragraph…so till next time guys, IshyourBwoy…!!!

*doing the Prakatatumba*

Wasn't this short?

We are M.A.D...

2011-02-26T04:05:00.000+01:00

“Buy your gala here, Cold LaCasera here, Otapiapia rat killer here, Aunty you wan do your hair?”…Typical scenery we all encounter on a regular. It’s the world we live in, buying and selling is the order of the day cos whether we believe it or not, this world IS a MARKETPLACE and the currency we have is TIME.

This post is a deviation from my normal kinda stuff (I think I said that 2 posts ago as well), but anyway im’ma try to still hold your attention as long as I can, pls FOLLOW along cos I’m going somewhere Yes! Have u noticed how most of our statements regarding time are basically similar to those used when referring to money? We either SPEND it, SAVE it, WASTE it or INVEST it…therefore, it makes complete sense the phrase “Time is MONEY”. I’m not here to do a lecture on TIME..i’ll leave that to Jack Griffin (the erstwhile CEO of TIME magazine) but anyway, we are all given 24hrs in a day and we either spend, save, waste or invest it. Now a lot of us reading this are tech-savvy *shrugs* that’s why u can read this in d first place, u know how your phone or laptop has become your best buddy, some of u even have names for them like brian, jasmine, kafayat etc just to show the deep level of affiliation…now also, a lot of us are on facebook and Twitter and all the social networking sites or at least 2..now here’s THE question: “Have you EVER felt like u have WASTED a whole day or at least a large chunk of ur day chilling with brian, jasmine or kafayat (your phone)? Have u ever felt like u SPENT all day tweeting and at the end you feel like a “weist?” Raise your hands if u’ve ever felt that way, my hands are up by the way! Lets focus on Twitter shall we, while some people just come on and tweet for fun n laughs, for some of us, it’s a strategic means to an end..if u ask @exschoolnerd or @Msjazzyfied, they will tell you that tweeting PAYS! I’ve also discovered it too and that’s what I wanna share with you today (I’ve got ur attention now abi? thank me later..)

We come on Twitter and ask people to follow us for no apparent reason and some do if they like your avatar, bio or your tweets. However, today I present to you a better reason to ask people to follow you. We aim to give our tweeting a purpose and by ‘we’, I mean the members of “TweetforCharity” or “TW4C” for short ..we are normal tweeps on your TL who have decided to maximize the essence of our tweets by giving a certain amount to charity cause(s).

Here’s how it works: we donate a tiny sum per follower (those following us) and for those we follow too (and trust me, it is a VERY VERY small amount)..Let me attempt a mathematical representation here:

@kevinWithAnL...following 100 , followers 200
let 'x' represent the donation amount
therefore, x X 100 = 100x (amount to be contributed for those following)
x X 200 = 200x (amount to be contributed for followers)
This implies: Total contribution done by @KevinWithAnL
= 100x + 200x = 300x

I tried abeg…These monies are then collated and used to meet certain needs of those in need (err..does this make sense?)…im not so much of an expert in financial matters but we have all logistics tied down. Contributions will NOT be going to any individual but to the Bank account dedicated to the purpose which has already been opened..statement of expenditure and all those stuff will be sent to member’s e-mail addresses. we will also pass info on Twitter..Now our tweeting will no longer be a waste of time or spent unwisely, it becomes an INVESTMENT into the lives of the less priviledged, its our way of making a difference while yet having fun, our way of bringing change and putting smiles on peoples faces (I feel like a speech welling up) In essence we will now be tweeting for Charity! It gives a focus…by the way, this doesn’t mean u should be scared to follow people or follow back o, abeg!

Presently, we have 21 tweeps who are the foundation members of TweetforCharity..these include @WF_SimonSEEZ, @ifreke, @engee01,@HUGOverified, @greenactsgroup, @junkyp, @tobiamoo, @farouqh @vivisleek, @bleezers, @ThelmaTweets, @spitgucci, @Drewbaba, @Msjazzyfied, @Dzerghz, @abiodunbala, @kneeyie, @BragginRightz, @M4minx, @sunkanmi and my not-so humble self… yeah! its not as if these guys have any benefits like company car or office so don’t sweat it, they are just the first among many hopefully.. So we met in lagos in December at Ozone and subsequent meetings in january and decided to take the first steps, we are going to visit an orphanage: The name of the orphanage is the Centre for Destitute Empowerment and it is run by Pastor Samson Okoliko and his wife with staff strength of five.The orphanage is located at 8, Makanjuola Close, Pako, Idimu Alimosho L.G. with a branch office in Abuja which is run by his wife.

The orphanage, with a population of 64 kids, is a home for motherless babies and children with all sorts of disabilities including autism, polio, neurosis, mental retardation and so on. According to the Pastor Okoliko, the greatest need in the orphanage is food items, clothes and also paying of staff salaries. He was also open to the idea of hosting the children to a party or a movie or generally anything that would leave a lasting impression on the children’s minds. We intend to Make a difference in the way we can and we invite you to join in too.

Fellow Twitterians, This is a call to serve, a call to stand up and be counted or sit down..and still be counted though. TweetforCharity is up and on the move, you can either join the train or not (its not by force o) but I prefer being an agent of positive change than a spectator..the choice is yours! What we ask is that u decide today whether you want to be a weist on Twitter or not, we present to you a very good reason to be on Twitter 24/7, if they ask u, tell them you are tweeting 4 charity..Some of us make money on/from Twitter re: laide and Isioma...this is a chance for us to give back to ‘society’ *evil laugh,runs to hide* Lets not be asked what Twitter is doing for us, lets show what we are doing with Twitter!

Oh! By the way, M.A.D in the title means 'Making A Difference'

Meanwhile, I feel like a gala and Lacasera right now…GALA!!!!

God bless the Internet Republic of Twitter

*recite second stanza of national anthem here*

Details of the financial breakdown and all other required information can be sourced from http://tweetforcharity.blogspot.com which will be fully functional soon.

For inquiries and questions, please direct such to @twt4Charity on Twitter

the AFTERMATH...

2011-02-16T16:53:00.000+01:00

The following programme is Rated 18, viewer discretion is advised as this program contains scenes of hilarious fits, unreasonable reasoning and utter disregard for anything sane! Remember, you can activate the Parental control on your decoder at this point, just press…”sharrap! As if y’all don’t know how to deactivate the stuff”

*Rolling Film Trailer*

*Insert sound effects, preferably gush of wind NOT local ibo whistle sound*

*James Earl Jones voice* “He was a man (picture flashes), she was a woman (picture flashes) and Faith (not @Chyychy) brought them together! He wanted something, she wanted something and like I said, Faith brought them together (they attend the same church)…KelvStone pictures presents a tale of Love and Passion, a story of what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano, Sacrifice, 419 and lots of ‘Torch and follow’…*major sound effect here* “The POST VALENTINE story”…coming NOW to this blog u’re reading!!!

Buhahaha!!! I always wanted to do that, I mean the whole voice over movie intro thingy. Ah! Relief! Anyways, here we are again and NO, this is not a movie so there are no characters involved, but digressing a bit, can’t our pple learn? Must we successfully deafen our audience in a bid to advertise a movie? Shey its one guy that does all that shouting? He should be found and MENDed quickly! And even if u don’t tell us, im sure every Musa, Chinwe and Rasaki knows that the movies can be found at Pound Road Aba and 51, iweka Rd Onitsha! So spare us and ehen, what consequences await if we don’t “GRAB OUR COPY NOW!” mtscheeew..ok, jare back to why we are here…!

My people, life is like a University and at intervals, we must write exams-some we pass and others we fail, inevitably, those we fail we must carry over and write again. An exam was just concluded on feb 14th and the results are out! I painstakingly put myself through the agony of taking a class just before the exam to ensure that we all come out in flying colours..so Vals day has come and gone (Thank God), if u’re here and your vals day was a success lemme see your hands..ok, 1,2,3…if it wasn’t..ah!,1,5,17, 75..ok drop it! Wow!! What happened? U didn’t follow my class rules? Hehehe…Anyways, Vals day has come and gone obviously. Some are basking in their gains, others are licking their wounds and counting their losses! I belong to the group of people who did nothing, got nothing and basically just sokpa’d on Twitter for most of d day..You know it was always bound to be interesting anyways, a day with so many people dressed in red as in a perfect representation of d intentions for the day either boys a/c goes RED, ladies show you their RED eye etc..So what makes u think u had a great Vals day? Because Tunde sent u a Teddy bear and chocolates abi? Ure an AGBAYA!!! Yezz and im not beefing o, haba! U’re 25 amd u’re dragging Teddy with your 2-yr old niece, what does that make u? Ehn? U say what? “it’s the thought that matters?” ok, so if he had sent a text that said ‘hey baby,im just thinking abt u this vals bcos its d thot that counts” tell me u will not curse his generation in your local dialect! Leave that tin jare…and u, he took u out for Ice cream and Fried Rice …I don’t want to believe that because Esau sold his birthright for porridge, u now deemed it fit to open ur legs because of ice cream and fried rice. Incase u didn’t know, jacob’s porridge had assorted meat and fish in it!! Mtscheeew.. if you are among the lucky one(s) that got a Land Rover, iPad or a wedding ring through legitimate means, then I celebrate with you, You have eaten of the spoils of d season.

Meanwhile, I know that some of u think u’re smart abi? U bought yourself perfume and a card and addressed it to yourself to save face, some even ordered room delivery Pizza and bucket of ice cream so that them no go carry last..its all right! And you guys that came home by 5am claiming u were out all night with the chic while u were crashing, holding pillow tight at your fellow guys house, nothing do you!!
I know that some peeps genuinely celebrated the day, as in those who are really in love oh (probably heading to marriage sef), I don’t have a problem with them. Whether he took u out, bought u Fan Yogo and took u back home, u know that u’ve hooked him and when he finally asks u to marry him, u can start your revenge! But my pain is for those who 9months from now will deliver the fruit of a Mr Biggs lunch or the result of a night of clubbing and too much booze. He says he loves u now abi, wait till u tell him u missed your period, he will MISS that PERIOD!! It’s the aftermath of Valentine that excites me, if we were to have news headlines on that, we would hear things like..

• DMT mobile Toilets experience total overload as a result of all the SHIT they had to deal with on vals day
• Girl breaks boys head with STAR bottle after unwrapping gift of Nokia BB
• Sales of balloons surprisingly skyrocket as chemists record sell out of condoms
• Woman goes gaga after eating ‘igbo’ leaves mixed with beans and macaroni while thinking she was served chinese

The stories will be endless and I’m sure you all have some to share… Asides the virtual aftereffects, the physical effects will be alarming! I can safely bet that roasted corn and agbalumo (shebi its d season) will begin to trend as guys have most likely exhausted d small money that they have..Some will easily fit into their church 21-day fasting program cos it comes naturally at this time..Girls, don’t be shocked if your bf all of a sudden loses weight and becomes slimmer, its actually your fault..Shikena!! Ok, moving on…What? Oh! you wanna hear MY vals day story? Seriously, I did nothing-just lazied around, sent voicenotes to some people, deleted some members of the “Dumb Broadcast Association” that reside in my BB and chose that day to manifest their shallowness, but really, I knew that broadcasts were going to be a major feature of the day but I didn’t expect to see some of the kind I got…eg: ”The federal ministry of Love warns that boys who buy nothing for their gf’s will be broke 4 ever and girls who claim to be on their period will bleed to death…Pass this on to 20 people if u want your vals day to be a success” and some FOOLS (pardon my Spanish) FULL of FOOLISHNESS still deemed it fit to broadcast this FOOLISH message.

Smartphones should be taken out of the hands of dumb people…I think we should have IQ tests before some phones are sold to people…”err..sorry, u do not qualify to use a Blackberry, pls proceed to the 3310 stand and look through as you will definitely find something to interest you there!” (BTW, one of the most annoying broadcasters I have is a follower from Twitter, pls I thought Twitter would have refined u a bit, if u are reading this and ure wondering if its you, then it is!!! Quit it already with the broadcasts. I haven’t deleted you yet bcos im nice like that but there is a limit…) Later in the day, I strolled to Chicken Republic and I wasn’t disappointed, it was a sea of red: balloons, uniforms, customers, I took some pictures and then went to Mr Biggs, If I needed any confirmation that Mr Biggs is almost dead, I got it that day..it was almost empty! Came home and tweeted more, it rained heavily and I slept off.

So in conclusion, it has come and gone, life goes on..girls, note however that now that vals is over, u will get more advances as guys realize that the coast is clear especially if your birthday is nowhere in sight..and guys if u attempt to toast that girl now, be prepared to answer the question “where were u since?” Before she says YES, she will collect vals gift, xmas gift , New years gift and the gift for her mother’s 50 years birthday that u (obviously) did not attend 2 years ago! So I rejoice with all y’all who had a great. Memorable day and for those of you who totally failed d class, Turn to your neighbor and say “Fear Not!, u have only carried over the course, u have the opportunity to pass it next year”

Enjoy some of the scenery..thanks to @jemieyt and @misjuwa for the picture inputs

Haters and Gbagaun finders, u can like to microwave salad while waiting for Hell to freeze over, Till then though, try licking ur elbow while waiting for DaGrin's call or better still, save yourself the stress and just show love for once in your life: Kiss a naked wire, that might be the only naked thing u'll ever kiss #Okbye

PS: The search for the ONE comes to the finish line...

REMEMBER...

2011-02-13T13:52:00.000+01:00

Aloha! Bienvenue! Welcome once again to 5mins of reading what will eventually turn out to be a refreshingly relaxing good read (that’s if u can read), it might take 10mins if u hate scrolling side to side (like I do) using ur Blackberry, it could even take 30mins for you to see this page if you are using a NOservice provider such as EmpTyHen…but anyhoos, indulge me yet again.

Allow me to state at this point that this post is a kinda deviation from my previous, not funny and is gonna be quite nostalgic and as such I hereby recommend u grab a hanky or two for when the tears start falling. But then again, who r u deceiving? U and I know that no one is watching you and you use your ever-reliable shirt sleeve to clean your eyes and blow out your buttery looking snort..go ahead jare! Nothing do you. This post was actually inspired by Facebook, yes, Facebook!! U know, Facebook is like your ex-girlfriend, you had so much fun times and then all of a sudden, u get bored and a new exciting chic comes your way and u’re on to the next one!(Me I don’t do that sha) but u do! you good-for-nothing lowlife heartbreakers!!! At times, I wonder how facebook feels when she sees YOU strutting arm in arm with Twitter, she doesn’t complain though- shes consoled by the fact that YOU still visit early in the mornings to check YOUR schedule and sometimes in the day to give her YOUR new pictures, its Hi5 that is totally shattered sha, I head she’s now strutting herself on the streets seeking customers since no one knows her address anymore or even the password to ‘enter’ her. SHEEET!!! How did we get here? I said this was inspired by facebook, not ABOUT facebook! Ok Kelv, concentrate…moving on…Today, I wanna take us back a lil’ bit to when men were boys and women were girls…oh! I haven’t told u the correlation between Fb and this? *sigh* Fb represents our history, our past..so today we are going to be remembering some things from the good old days…I started a Trending Topic on Twitter #UareNotInMyGeneration to help bring back the memories and they came flooding in..so im’ma share some, feel free to add more in the comments section…

Remember those nites of PALACE, CANDLELIGHT. CHECKMATE, BEHIND D CLOUDS..8pm things
Remember how we used 2stay up to watch niteshift on DBN?
Remember telematch?
Remember how your heroes growing up were Hulk Hogan, Ultimate warrior, Bruce lee etc? now u're wondering why u're such a thug?
Remember when MARIO was d best game around and u could kill for a Gameboy or Nintendo?
Remember how u saved 2buy ur left n right game and in your mind that brick racing game rocked?
Remember when church services just meant ice cream after service?
Ladies Remember when all you could do to ur hair was jerry curl and perming? who brought all these horse hair tins sef...mtscheew!!!
Remember where u were when kanu's goal sunk brazil @ atlanta 96? That was when Kanu was 35!
Remember AIT jamz with kenny n d1 rockin fubu baby….AGBAYAS!! and now Kenny sings?! SHAME! LAME!
Remember how u used 2 wait til dec 31 to dub ur favorite songs from the Top 100?
Remember rewind + stop + play trying 2get d lyrics of a song so you could write in that love letter? and ending the letter with xxx and 'sealing with a kiss?" ..pathetic people..smh
Guys remember wearing 2trousers n thinking it was cool? and how u used to 'chest' cane?
Girls remember when d only joint u knew were barbeach n water parks…(I wish that never changed)?
Remember when bread was N10 n pure water was sold in nylons?
You, Bad Guy!! Remember how you cried when you watched Titanic??
Remember Domitilla and that first 'naked scene' in Glamour Girls? we wanted to crucify Eucharia but nowadays, just bring cossy and its all cosy!!
Remember Chike n d river, Eze goes to sch, Ali and Simbi? if u don't it means u went to night school or u didn't go at all...
Remember when Dec 25th meant watching 'jesus of Nazareth' all day?
Remember CRUSH, PARLE SODA...and Sunday rendezvous (just to drink Limca)
Remember when Junior & pretty were ur heroes? and it wasnt cool 2b called Bolanle or Monica?
Remember when Tv started at 4pm?
Remember babadudu, ofio,oyakaka TastyTime, gogo and M&K?
Remember when to toast a girl just involved a letter and a tape of her fave songs?
Remember sagem mc320, talkabout,alcatel n ur sim of 80k
Remember 'My book of Bible stories?' what's that? and u wonder why ure a sinner...smh
Remember NITEL cards and how u used to store them in freezers to recharge?
Remember reading Nackson magazines guys? me i didnt read sha...seriously!!
Remember the 3 orange men? no seriously, wat was that all about? I wonder what colour they are now…
Remember Birdman, SuperTed, Dodo the kid from outer space, OvideVideo , DoctorWho?
Ladies, remember the Butterfly dance? Imagine yourself doing that today…y'all looked like you were releasing your butt muscles for more effective farts...
Remember CableTel and how you tuned your TV to get it, Clapperboard, NTA 7(if u still have this channel ehn…)
Remember the early day music videos done in AIT studios? 2face them had humble beginnings sha, wearing vests and ish...and d guy still wore vest in African Queen video, Thank God for watever/whoever showed him d light
Remember how when (is this even correct english?) anyway, Remember how when your folks wanted to go get shoes for u, they'd measure your foot with a broomstick?
Remember those soaps: The Rich also cry, Secrets of the sand (7:30-8:30pm Tues n wed), Wild Rose, Maria des Los angeles
Remember sledgeHammer and Lois & clark?

I could go on and on…but im just gonna stop here so u don’t cry a river and flood your home…yeah, I needed to put this up here for posterity (whatever that means) and err..also cos I felt like writing something..Meanwhile, in other news, there is no other news!

I hope to see u again when the next post is out and I’m back to my normal annoying self, for my beefers and Haters, @MsJazzyfied has advised me to slap y’all, I really would have loved to but the love of the Lord constraineth me and this MFM church near my house has given me a better idea, its called FIRE!!!

*Dances butterfly galala out of stage to the tune of ACE by Sir Shina Peters*

Shhhhh....CLASS IN SESSION!!!

2011-02-07T09:28:00.000+01:00

Ok, here’s the deal, the last post on Vals blues seemed to be a kinda hit and I got lotsa mentions and comments on Twitter and in my mail concerning it (+ve and –ve) if I may say, Still though I must thank everyone who did for taking/making the time to actually read d post, me sef I tire for the length. Meanwhile, I must at this point make it clear that I am NOT a relationship expert and the views presented in d post were just my personal opinions (na lie o, i wanna expert die?). Lots of people seemingly agreed with the expressed desires/needs of both sexes while some criticized me for bringing out their dirty G-strings and Boxers out for the world to see! Im sorry- SUE ME!!!

Today though, I really don’t have a direction of writing (typing as d case actually is), im just going to rant all d way to the end of this post (~~another lie, guy u dey lie sha~~)..Oh! an idea just popped into me ‘ed…lets see, still on d valentine day matter, for those who actually will have a val or have the opportunity to take that girl ‘out’ on that day, a common dilemma is how to proceed. Don’t deny it, u’ve been racking your brain since on how you can give her the perfect experience and hopefully, eventually get something more than “Thank u for a nice day, I’ll ping you later!” well worry no more! Im here to take you on Valentine 101-401, I’ll be ur Professor for the class, call me Prof @KevinWithNoVaL, Class is in session students! Read my lips and make A’s in this Test!!This is where you sit down, grab your note and pen and begin to take notes..I’M SERIOUS!! U’re gonna need this…!!! And oh! This is tailored for the guys sha..ladies no vex, y’all know I love you..pls do read and fall in love with ME! Yes me!!

Ok guys, so u read the last post and u got an idea of what she wants for vals day and Thank God your account is not as red as the season so you were able to get her that iPad and the name encrusted pendant. U should know that you have 24hrs in the day to show her a great time climaxing in giving her the gift and hopefully other climaxes as well..So it’s a Monday and she probably has to work or go to school or maybe even stay home. No matter what she does, do NOT, I repeat do NOT be the first, second or third person she SEES on the day!! Even if you are jobless, try and form scarce, there is VALUE in SCARCITY! Re: fuel…But ensure that you mark your presence..here’s how: Ladies want a sense of assurance or reassurance as the case may be as often as they can get it, PDA’s are always a welcome tool.if u have a BB and she does too, it won’t be a bad idea to use her pic as ur DP with a status like “I’m going to love u always and a day more” BUT if u’re like @walegafar or @HUGOverified who are dating their whole street, then it might not be such a good idea sha. If u don’t have a BB, no wahala, I advise that you don’t call her just yet..send her a text saying “I don’t need a special day to celebrate u, but I think d world does cos u’re that special..i love u baby, today, tomorrow and 4ever” Yeah, mushy stuff like that will increase her anticipation and excitement level.(that’s if u’ve not effed up recently o!ehen!) Pls ensure your texts are orginals, do NOT use or 4wd any sent to u..if u love her that much, then u should be able to express it but if not, hit me up on Twitter and I wee compose a msg guaranteed to sweep her off her feet into MY arms..!!!do NOT start quoting MI or darey and think that she will not know, keep it ORIGINAL guys!

So her day has started with a text msg from u,Try to avoid GBAGAUNS cos u dont want her remembering u for d wrong reasons but try and see how u can maintain the tempo probably a text every hour..might sound lame but it does fly, on BB, u could change her pic every hour with a new status as well (if she's got it, then flaunt her..if she doesn't however, u may wanna spare us d torture) ahem! moving on, send her voicenotes at intervals…PLEASE DO NOT 4WD ANY BROADCASTS NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED IT IS! I’m thinking I will create a broadcast and circulate sha with hidden illuminatti messages in it capable of bursting her head and ruining your relationship buhahaha..i dey warn u naw o!! So u’ve succeeded in keeping her excited all day, its afternoon now..this will be a good time to call her and in your most sexy voice (the one u use when u’re looking in d mirror while brushing) tell her in clear language (ibo, Yoruba, hausa, pidgin or English) how u look forward to seeing her later in the day. Remember even if u’re both jobless (no offense o), Try to see her late in the day. Anytime from 3pm works. I suggest you do a late lunch..shey u know lunch will be cheaper than dinner on that day sha? Ehen! But if u have money like @WF_SimonSeez, then u can do Japanese dinner things (ah! Imagine a candle lit dinner under the stars of the sky, with nature all around u, the wind softly blowing sea breeze on your cheeks while your table for 2 is set is on THIRD MAINLAND BRIDGE..Oh CLASSIC!!!) Ok so u’re set for lunch, pls ensure that the venue for the lunch isn’t too far from where she stays or works. It doesn’t make sense for her to stay at Ipaja-Ayobo and u’re arranging for lunch things at Golden Gate ikoyi (@spitgucci take note) except u’re sending a cab (red cab ni o)..remember we r trying to UP your rep..so if u can find any nice place nearby-cool! Be warned however that u most definitely will see a crowd if u’re going to the Mr Biggs, Nandos and Tantalizers..my suggestion, look for a real restaurant or Hotel with good food, u don’t have to do the common fast food and eateries but u could have ordered take away from any just incase. If she’s at work though, u could send a delivery order to her right there at d office (real food o) u cud ‘spice’ it up with a box of chocs that she can share with her co-workers thus rubbing pepper in their eyes. PS: if ure meeting for lunch, ensure u get there on TIME! Don’t keep her WAITING!! And make sure you’re worth looking at, don’t think because its laide that u’ve been dating u will now come looking like any of @scriptkidd’s avatars..look dapper (starch and iron d shirt)..a matured look always flys, I didn’t say wear tie o but just look and SMELL good..if u smell like a combination of spoilt moi-moi, beans and eggs then u might wanna consider spending some dough on body spray and a nice perfume..and oh yeah..armpit hair? That ish doesn’t work..are u trying to provide accommodation for homeless bacteria, maggots n stuff.eewwww!!! Shave dude, SHAVE!!!

So lunch done, ehen! Pls if u dnt know how to pull out chairs and stuff, or u don’t do it naturally don’t start that day o! its all superficial and that reduces points..same thing with opening doors, just be yourself but if yourself is anything as razz as @SheriphSkills (who thinks deuces is spelt and pronounced duzzez) then pls be someone else, I recommend someone like @bleezers or @Rated_X who represent gentlemanly conduct anytime..So u’ve planned to see a movie eh? Here’s the downside to that- yup! The cinema is gonna be full and then she might wanna just go home afterwards and that’s it! Yes THAT’S IT!!! So Prof suggests u probably do an indoor movie, u could arrange with a hotel to have lunch there and then pay a bit more to have them show your movie in their mini theatre (I think some have), make sure it’s a movie she wants to see, don’t ga’an play SAW 6 bcos u wanna scare her into ur arms for easy cuddling (that’s what I would do sha cos im gangsta like that), ensure it’s a film she wants to see..so u’ve gotta find that out. U’ve got your privacy, u’ve got her in your arms (hopefully),so..we can hope that the movie mood will allow for some mouth-to-mouth *LORD WHY ME?! WHY THIS SINGLENESS?!* now wailing,tearing bag of rice to wear as sackcloth*sorry jare, my emotions got d better of me… anyway, let nature take its toll BUT IF nature is being a beach, then take the bulls by d balls and make things happen..press d right buttons (i did not send u to press her shirt buttons o! ehen..that will be a good time to have the waiter bring in the bottle of wine (eva, bluecocktail are NOT allowed) u’ve ordered..she most likely will ask “are u tryna get me drunk?” tell her with all confidence and style...“nah..thats for later” if she says nothing or just smiles or nods..then u’ve SCORED!! YAY!!!

Wrapping it all up..if she can’t stay d night at any hotel..oh! if u’re doing dinner in a hotel, it wont be a bad idea to book there as well (pls confirm she cn afford to stay the night before booking o, if not u will enjoy the bed and AfricaMagic by yourself)..but if she has to go back home, now is a good time to bring out her gift and with all lingua dexterity, let her know how much you love her..bla bla bla yadi yadi yada…just give her d friggin’ gift already..hopefully she may ask you to stay a while or if u’re in a hotel, then all is set..PLS NOTE THAT I’M NOT ADVOCATING FOR ANYTHING SEXUAL O, IM JUST TEACHING THE COURSE AS THE SYLLABUS STIPULATES!! Eventually, remember that Vals day is just One day and so whether u get any or not shouldn’t be a problem, try to make it GENUINELY all about her, u do not rush perfection. If u successfully ‘WOW’ her, her life-and yours will NEVER be the same again..cheers guys! Show her sincerely how much of a queen she is..Ladies ae special and that’s why we love ‘em..even if ur mind is as corrupted as most cybercafé systems, try to make it all about her and little of u..

By the way guys, I’m in trouble o…I think I’ve ‘met’ the one…out of Six…but I don’t know EXACTLY which one she is..

#OkBye…

VALENTINE'S BLUES abi red???

2011-02-01T18:49:00.001+01:00

DISCLAIMER POST: Do not read further!! Pls visit http://skills-pinokio.blogspot.com/ for disclaimer notice…THANKS!!
Done? who r u kidding? Be doing as if u actually read the DISCLAIMER…anyway, Welcome Guys, I see that I have somehow managed to get you to visit this blog once again by just posting a link on Twitter, ehn ehn? So its that easy to control mortals? I must be a god or something (buhahaha)! What if this is all u came here to see, what would’ve happened? U’ll sue me, unfollow me? But alas! I’m not as cold-hearted as that, ashualey, I am o! the last time I checked, I “had an ice-box where my heart used to be” *pops collar* oh yels, I’m a badt guy like that…

But I must at ths point appreciate you guys for always checking up on me here, it gets quite lonely in blogville nowadays, my neighbour @adahna ( http://dahnizrandom.blogspot.com/ ) is hardly around, I dunno the man that is taking her time away from here, @Sandie_Pandie ( www.craziepandie.com ) lives some streets away and does check on me often sha, @SheriphSkills http://skills-pinokio.blogspot.com/ is always at stadia, play or some other joint in Abj, ah well *sigh* @exschoolnerd (www.exschoolnerd.net) used to be my loyal crime partner around the ‘blogk’ ,up until she fell in love with Funbi …she’s our President here o so I cant complain but she’s cool like that. So, I’ve being visiting @MsJazzyfied ( www.tooxclusive.com ) quite often, we just chill on the steps and listen to @THEBEAT999FM all day, cool stuff I tell ya!!

Ok, having said thanks and all the introductory ish, let us now delve into the koko of d matter that has brought us here! It is summed up in one word “VALENTINE”!!! Yes! This one word has been/being ~~(ive said I don’t know when to use either, so pick one n lezz continue)..where were we?~~ Ok…this one word has wrecked so many potential futures- monetarily, relationship-ly, intimately and otherwise. Im not even going to try n go into d history of d day cos me sef I dunno, when did they born me dat u expect me 2 knw? Any story that works for u, believe jare! Anyway, Vals day is here again and if u’re a guy, u would agree with me that this is d one day we wish NEVER existed on the calendar! I’m Lying? See this guy o! ok bcos u don dey touch small money now abi, wait first naw, shebi dis is ur first official valentine..e go soon over u!! Seriously though 99% of us guys hate VALS day! Its not because of the money 2 b spent,~~(LIE!!!)~~ its just it has a semblance of a well crafted SCAM that benefits the lady folk..ok, ladies before u chop my head off, I know u also do some ‘giving’ on the day BUT u only give when u’re sure that we are giving or have given… Alright, let me personalize this..I HATE VALS DAY!!!

DISCLAIMER: All views from this point on are strictly mine, your boyfriend did not ping me to ask me to do this so please don’t crucify him for sending you the link to this post. At the same time, if u r a lady or potential chic that is falling for me, don’t let this post change your mind- its all fiction, this is emmm..,just for laughs ok? Thanks for understanding!

Before u start thinking I’m just a selfish stingy SOB, take a walk in my shoes a bit will ya? My grouse with vals day has nothing to do with the spending ~~(who am I kidding?)~~, it ranges from the awkward display of ‘love’ that u see to the annoying hike up of prices of almost everything. It totally irks me when I come out of my house on feb 14th and everywhere u go, people are dressed up in red like aiyelala loyalists: as in red shirt, red shoes, all red everything, so because they said that ‘love is in the air’, it now means that we should not see road again abi? I swear, if I catch any of my followers or friends dressed in red…ok o! Then all these aiyelala people all seem to be headed to the same place: either an eatery, restaurant , cinema or joint..first of all, your foodstuff has finished at home abi? Rice and shicken that u ate on new years day here (bad as e bad), then to one cinema with 1000 other aiyelala people to watch one movie that we could have bought in Lekki traffic for #150 on a good day…abegi!! Do u see the extortion? Its annoying because it is on that day that your girlfriend remembers the ONLY scripture she knows: Jn 3:16 “for God so loved d world, that he GAVE…” she will stop at ‘gave’ and proceed to give u a Chris Okotie inspired exegesis on how love is proved by giving! As a bad guy sha, me sef I know bible: Ladies could you stop reading at this point or jump to d next paragraph thanks. So guys this is what u say when she uses this line- tell her: the bible says “GOD is LOVE”, Jesus and GOD are one, no be so? That means Jesus is also LOVE..so if God so loved the world and thus gave Jesus, It means God so loved d world and gave LOVE…so what God gave was love!!! Tell her “today I’m giving u love and I don’t have to spend money to do that! buhahahaha…(ensure ure well protected when u say this sha).

Welcome back ladies, sorry for pushing u out, I just had to tell your guy how best to meet your vals day needs and we wanted to keep it a secret, yeah, I have ur interests at heart, Thank me later! U know its true that as Vals day approaches, guys are looking for ways to break up, girls are looking for ways to be nicer.. Hey Guys!!! Guess what? ManU and Arsenal coaches are holding a press conference RIGHT NOW, u may wanna check that out…GO! GO! GO!!! good boys!

*now whispering* ladies if they know I told u what im about to, I’m DEAD, so please be quiet…sshhhhh*

Here are some things we often do to get away from our ‘responsibility’ , all we need to do are make up excuses of being busy, working late etc…here are some: they range from the mundane to the downright absurd
• we start complaining about our financial situation from jan 28th (or whenever salary is paid)t so that we can refer to it later by saying “remember how I told u I’ve been managing since, all d debts I had to clear with January salary…”
• we raise your hopes for a future explosion “mehn, if the money im expecting in march just comes…” whenever we avoid February, u should catch the drift!
• Now with BB, its easier for us to pass the message, all we need to do is put up ‘funny’ statuses and DP’s about how we are broke or anti-vals etc FORGET O!! those ain’t jokes, its our way of sending subliminal msgs to u
• When our ringtone and favorite song all of a sudden becomes “One naira by MI and Waje” or “Not the girl by darey”
• My BB is dead and u’re pinging me???
• “I have a lot going on right now, I need some time to get it all together”
• if u ever have a convo on BBM that looks like this, it’s a sign…

But if u’re one of the lucky few who are destined to have a great valentine’s day, then I am indeed happy for you. For the rest of us (yes u included, don’t form, u’re part of this group). We can still have a swell day even without a val, how? Not to worry…see, I don’t think u should torture yourself by going to places where you are definitely going to come across all these love birds. It makes no sense to wake up and then decide that u’re gonna go to the cinema all by yourself on such a day..Why? when u can just stay home jejely and watch ur movie if PHCN allows u o..Eateries are also out of it, u’ve been going to iya asisa’s place since o but bcos its vals day, u now decide to baff up n go to eat Chinese all by yourself!! Omo bone! Go to iya asisa and order n eat your fill abi na full..rice, eba, assorted toh kwoliti and wash it down wella!!! If u’re alone this val, don’t feel bad. Its ashualey a blezzin from God so that u can save money for your kid’s future academics etc..(I hear plenty hisses…buhahaha)

Another dilemma is GIFTS! Girls often wonder what to get their guys, their minds don’t seem to go beyond Shirts, boxers, perfumes and cufflinks, as in ahn ahn? What happened to X-box, Samsung 45” flat screen TV, iPad’s or a year’s subscription for our DSTV to enjoy the Premier league etc? seriously, we are tired of all d shirts, did I say I wanna start a boutique? On my birthday-shirt!, xmas-shirt! Wedding aso-ebi even Burial T shirt!!! And when u buy me boxers and u have never seen me in them, what’s the use? How do u know that u’re buying the right size sef? *side eye* I don’t want again! Perfumes, I’ve been shouting I want Terre D’Hermes and u ga’an buy ugo Boss..am I a phool? U expect me to actually wear that? Mtscheeew!! See, we are MEN! And we also have needs, we love big things, things our hands can work or fix (catch my drift?).

And guys, I know shopping for the ladies is always a task, not because we don’t know what to get but bcos the options are NUMEROUS!! Here’s a tip: NEVER ask your lady what she wants. NEVER!!! She will tell u all she wants and as she continues, she remembers those Jimmy Choos she saw justina wearing and the Brazilian hair Ronaldo’s gf used…u go just WRECK!!! Here are my sagely suggestions: Vals day is synonymous with Teddy Bears and flowers: do NOT buy any of these!! Except ure dating Miss Piggy and u wanna stylishly give her a gift that looks like her. No Flowers!! Na 9ja we dey so, that ish doesn’t fly, I don’t care whether d flowers were freshly plucked from the edge of the Nile..she wee use it to cook your next soup, just be looking!!! So what then should you get her? Really though, I might not be in d right position to tell you that but I’m going to whether u like it or not, afterall its MY BLOG and u’ve patiently read this far so a lil’ more wee not kee you..Ladies will always get gifts-they don’t need a special occasion! I think a lot of them are not so much crazy about what you get them (except it’s a LandRover 2 or HSE), Most just want you to spend your “currency of life” on them –TIME! Whether u take her to the movies or a Togolese restaurant, it’s the TIME spent with her that she really craves, she will still shit the green slimy soup 5hrs later so WTH? Guys whether na One Naira u spend or na One million, ensure that she can look into your eyes and say “Baby u’ve got me!” I really shouldn’t be writing this cos im now getting emotional seeing as im going to sokpa on Vals day as always, I’ll probably be watching Monday night football on TV while y’all will be whipping up sheets and stuff… *boo hoo sob sob*

Well, to round up this round up, I decided to sample opinions of some of my Tweeps, They are the one that RT’d this link to you because they want you to see EXACTLY what they want for vals day..hahaha..yes, this has been a set up all along. Now you can not say “I didn’t know what you wanted…”

Read and be Blessed…

@gigachic- “I want a romantic candle lit dinner for me and the one I love”
@eagiddy- “I want my very own man for vals day, not one who will walk away after a while, sm1 who wld call me bone of my bone..sm1 I can call my forever valentine”
@Rated_X- “I want jade and a 1998 bordeaux” cc @jade
@walegafar; “I want an ipad and a car noni”
@IvyOrji- “I want an Ipad and/or Chevrolet CRUZE cc @emperorcaesar “
@WF_SimonSeez- “I just want her to be here, make the plan, and make me go through with it and I’ll pick the Cheque!”
@bleezers- “I want a red All Star converse sneakers with a Transparent sole”
@sheriphskills – “ an Xbox kinnect and/or a pair of shoes/sneakers size 43 will do”
@misjuwa- “hey Cupid! We need to talk, I wanna know something…”
@tojubikz – “I want a getaway to somewhere new with friends where we can jst be kids again n enjoy nature”
@SlimSiren- “I want these books-‘Say you are one of them by Uwem Akpan’, The secret lives of Baba Segi’s wives by Lola Soneyin’ and an Easel
@Chyychy- “I want the perfume ‘Velocity’ by Mary Kay
@MsJazzyfied- “I want the perfume ‘Very Irresistible’ by Givenchy
@AdeYossie- “I just want time, no gifts, just attention and time spent together”
@lilmissfoy- “I want to be invited to lag by him, I want him to come out in the open and stop being shy, then he’ll flex me on the love boat thingy, movies, beach, shopping, he should be responsible n not pressure me to have sex with him cos nothing for him between my legs”
@SpitGucci- “I want a fancy dinner at Golden Gate”
@Sumbyjay- “I want any perfume from J’lo and a cake”
@JustAdivaa- “I just want an ipad”
@HUGOverified- “I want a sincere lady to woo me and val me”
@JunkyP- “I just want 100k, I dey find money jor”
@Le_Maxx- “ I want an Xbox pad battery and charger
@lilmissbeebee- "a pink PsP and gold pendant with my name on it
@BragginRightz “all I want 4val is for u to be here with me, I’ll make it up for these days we’ve spent apart, U are all I think about, U should know I need your love to hold me up when its all too much to bear, I just pray I’ll be here waiting when U come back, Happy Vals Soleil
@Lawrahh5 - "anything at all, its the thought that matters"
@M4minx - "Chocolate Fudge cake and Paco R's, 1m women's gift case (with the contents of course)

Its been a long post and if u’ve read this far, I really must appreciate your patience, endurance...i’m always humbled whenever im told “I love ur blog” it keeps me going..Thanks so much guys! God bless you!!!

So guys, Happy Valentines day but remember..this is just a day, let the Love go round all year through and oh! If u really think I’m gonna be alone this season, then ur brain needs to be checked by a dentist (go figure!)..its gonna be a wonderful threesome for me…hanging out with…ME , MYSELF & i…

To the haters and all those scanning for Gbagauns, if you actually think that your phraseology or parlance is at par with my lingo dexterity, then it is of plenary desideratum, inexorableness and extreme exigency that you unhesitatingly proceed for a cerebral appraisal…in simple english: Get your head examined! *Drops Mic and moonwalks away*

I'm Thankful!

2011-01-20T08:11:00.000+01:00

Dateline: January 28th 198… 3:27am…A hospital in Surulere (though I tell people it was jand sha..)

Doctor: “Push ma’am, Push, just a little harder…I can see d head, yes PUSH!!

Lady: mmmhhhmm… what do u think im doing u punk?! Pulling?? Mmhhmm

Man: Honey, u can do it! YES U CAN (and u think Obama was d first? Hmm KMT) Just a lil’more..!! PUSH!!

Lady: mmhhmmm…one more word out of u and I swear next time, u’re d one going to be screaming while the Dentist PULLS out teeth from your mangled mouth..mmhmmm!!!

Doctor: It’s coming…It’s coming… c’mon…

Man: Yes!!! Yes!!! Ye… (hushes up as lady turns to look at him)

Lady: mtscheew!! Bunch of sissy’s, now stealing my lines…mmhmmm!!!
SILENCE!!! ( NEPA takes light)

Doctor: it’s a BOY…!!!

Man: isn’t he supposed to come out crying?

Lady: Hello? Can someone pls cut this line thingy?

Child: (looks around at all in the room) *sighs* “jeez! NEPA!! I’ve been scammed, this isn’t jand!”

Yeah, the above is the story of my birth as witnessed by me while coming outta d womb, whaddyu mean iz a lie, were u there? Was it your mother’s womb? Plix abegabegabeg leave my loif.. ehen jare, as I was saying…I’ve always been a crème kid (thanx 2d constant flooding of my embryo dwelling with cream, u get?)…and u can’t blame my shock and surprise when I came out and was greeted by immediate power outage. Ah ahn! As in,shock did not allow me cry sef and they were all staring at me waiting for me to cry, couldn’t they see (pun intended) that a more devastating thing had just occurred? NEPA: Keeping candle makers in business since 1960!! Smh…

So born, bred and buttered in lagos; Nigeria..life had to go on. Don’t be scared, this isn’t an autobiography on me (Chinamanda abi Chimananda) is working on that as you read, this is just a pause and an opportunity to look back and be thankful for some certain things in me life….Life they say is short, no wonder MI is living it to the fullest.

Some days away from now(depending on when u read this) is my birthday, I’ve had lots of them in the past (obviously) and every one of them provides me with d opportunity to plan ahead, receive gifts, have fun and hangout with those I love etc..This time though, for the sake of posterity I’ve decided to also look back and find some things to be thankful for and of course, share it with y’all. So indulge me will ya…

I’m thankful…

• For my parents doing the deed (im sure it happened while they were celebrating my dad’s birthday which is in April), I’ve done my calculations and it all adds up!…if they didn’t do when they did, maybe I won’t have been the lucky sperm

• For my mum who carried me about safely for 9 months without shame or gra gra...also cos she ate well and healthy, if not I would have come out looking like TerryG…drugged from the womb

• For the Doctor and Nurses at the hospital in Surulere who administered the right care although I really won’t have minded an AC tight room with DSTV for my first night on earth, is that too much to ask?

• For my big bro and sis who did not decide to throw me into a pit like joseph out of jealousy…They nurtured me till I was 4 and then jetted out of the country leaving me at the mercy of Iya Rashidi's kids next door as playmates, Thanx to my folks who refused me the opportunity to run round d street with my rainbow pant chasing tyre... I somehow managed to stay posh.

• For the people responsible for suggesting and giving me names during my naming ceremony…I’ve got 5 names by the way, Thank God none is Morufu, Testimony, Akpohwowo or such..u guys chose well.

• For my lesson teachers from Ghana that raised me in the lingua of Queen’s English..(shey u guys had Ghanian lesson teachers too abi?) I think most kids in lag did!...they’re also responsible for the fact that my pidgin English is WACK! I dey try sha on blogs and twirra.But in real life, i suck: like Angelina Jolie on Spaghetti (dry abi? thank u..ga'an write ur own)

• For my primary and sec sch days…the fact that I always came 1st (yeske dis is not a faboo) ...helped grow my confidence...i stopped coming 1st when I entered JSS 1 sha but my kids don’t have to know that, do they?

• For my first girlfriend ‘Ada’ in KG2… she taught me how to prove love- I always ate the remnants of sharpened pencil just 4 her and chalk was my mouth’s best friend, we broke up when I entered Nur 1

• For my second girlfriend ‘Omolere’ in Nur 2 who was my seatmate, we always played the “what is under my uniform game” …ehen, why r u looking at me like that? Didn’t you play it too? See pot calling brand new kettle black!

• For my friends down the years, some have stayed, others have strayed but facebook has an annoying way of making them find you..they will now be trying to famz again..mtschheeeww..

• For my church and the light it shone on my path...though that was where I met my first real girlfriend who gave me my first real kiss that led to my first real…iz not whatchuthink u perv’s…my first real petting session #ThatIsALL..The babe was in Vivian Fowler and if u have 'experienced' a vivian fowler girl here,i mean, the 'spirit' hovered over the 'dry land' and it became fruitful..i feel like preaching..can i get an AMEN! Thank u! pls sit down, we're just talking.she was also my first Val and she footed d bill o! Lord, i miss those days!

• For my University (UniBen) that taught me clearly through first hand experience that Jesus is the way, the Truth and the Life, Cult recruitment that I escaped by the whiskers..it was Matric day parry they called it..Me, i didnt know, it was woman ~~(she wont read this so i can mention her name: Chichi)~~ that carried me there o, i was in 100 level and was already setting my 'priorities'.She was in Law, i was in engineering (perfect).Darris how me i followed her, i didnt even get to dance with d girl sef cos she was HOT like that and bigger boys surrounded her..i vexingly left at 11.30pm, recruitment started past midnight…and if u heard of Uniben in 2003, u’d know that cult wasn’t moi moi or beans! I somehow, inspite of lotsa advances managed to stay out! Saw lots of people lose their lives around me in the most gruesome of ways but lets not dwell on that 2day..

• Still for Uniben and my campus fellowship that gave me leadership responsibility..all through till I rose to the peak position of president (no PDP rigging involved o..) y’all surprised? Don’t be..!!

• For my girlfriends in University: R,C,I ,those I had ‘interactions’ with; U,C,A,F…when I consider the money spent on y’all and the fact that I’m d one that is single now, it makes me wanna SCREAM!!! As in ah ah..after all was said, nothing was done! Decode that!!!

• For my first girlfriend in Uni: 'R' (we dated for almost 4 yrs, 100level-400level): she is getting married on Mar 5th..guess what guys, I’m gonna be the MC of that wedding..from potential groom to MC..how are the mighty fallen? I didn’t even get Bestman seeing as the Groom is my friend…eez a long tori jor…BTW, dyu know that the BESTMAN, originally from old tradition ought to be the guy who failed in the quest to get the girl? He plays the role as a sign of allegiance and honour to the new couple…think I’m kidding? Google that stuff! So ‘R’ im thankful for (1) bringing out d poet in me- I cant remember how many poems I wrote just 4 u, ensuring one was read to u aloud by your roommates at exactly midnight on ur birthday in ur hostel. (2) The struggle with @Rated_X for ur hand in relationship, Thanx for picking me sha…eat ur heart out X, we shall sit and share wine at d losers table on d wedding day *shrugs* (3) im also thankful for u o..being d FIRST girl to DUMP me, bcos u were about graduating n wanted 2 marry. That was 2007! Dis is 2011 . Na now u dey marry o!! mtscheeew God dey sha!! PLS IT IS NOT PAINING ME !!!

• For ‘C’…thanx for coming into my life after R stepped out, U are solely responsible for making me the man I have become today! YES U!!! Ahem!! U know it o..of course I still remember all, and in detail too..oh! sorry guys, did I leave u behind? My mind was doing a Bolton on me…as much as I would like to use some of these people’s twitter handles, wait…Let me ask ‘C’ for permission (at this point, I asked for permission ‘C’ said no problem!) but…find her amongst my followers, her handle starts with ‘S’ and ends with a vowel similar to one of those in towel

• For all the girls in between ‘C’ and ‘I’ that didn’t make the cut, thanks for filling in the gaps

• For ‘I’ my last relationship…details in previous posts abeg..

• For Obasanjo, thanx so much for bringing GSM to Nigeria and saving me from the hassles of NITEL cards and phone tapping- everytime my parents locked d phone to stop us from calling…y’all did that stuff too abi? Buhahaha… criminals!!!

• For all my GSM phones that kept me in contact with the world starting with my Sagem Mc920 – Nokia 3310-Motorola Talkabout-Samsung R220 (bluescreen)-Telital-Motorola V50-Nokia 6600 (my first coloured screen camera phone)-Sony Ericsson-Nokia 5300-Nokia n73-China TV phone (hehehe)-Nokia E71- Nokia 5330 (dstv)-BB.

Lets play a game shall we? Try and list out all the phones u’ve used in d comments area after commenting o!!!

• For cybercafés and the Internet that have now almost put NIPOST out of biz, what’s NIPOST? Kai!! Some of u have NEVER even been to the post office in your life…smh. Cybercafés that extorted us to open email addresses #200 to open e-mail a/c WTF??? (What’s that for?),..what did we do in cafes in those days sef? 250/hour to browse and chat with white people we dont know and we will be feeling cool with ourselves. shior!!… see why im thankful?

• For Hi5 and facebook: my first social network experience responsible for reconnecting me with almost extinct friends from the past, seeing how far they’ve come, the singles, married and knocked up. Really though, no matter how we might all ‘HATE’ Fb now, we cannot ignore d days of humble beginnings, the days when FB was the air we breathe, when we felt on top of d world whenever we paste a ‘smart’ quote and we get 70 comments; most of which are our own back and forth discussions…FB was our home, our drug, we sought for cheats to ensure we were always online, the blue and white interface brought undescribed joy to our days but all of a sudden, we can’t seem to ignore the abundant GBAGAUNS and meaningless chatter that goes on there nowadays..inboxes full of love letters of EPIC confusion…*naetoC’s voice “things are not d same..”

• And that brings me to Twitter, im thankful that there is a getaway called twitter (though I wonder how long b4 we all get tired of it or it gets infiltrated by FB peeps). Well for now, im so grateful cos here, I’ve met and I have the most wonderful family n friends. I cant mention handles cos i might leave some folks out, u guys are d bomb, For my nuclear Twitfam, u know urselves, Those i just met, #TeamOzone and those i'm yet to meet, u guys really rock!! As in, the opportunities are endless, whichever state in d country I am, I can hola @ someone and have a great time...here there are potential associates, biz partners and who knows after all this play-play and flirt-flirt, maybe a wife!

• Lastly but not lastly…(go figure), I wanna thank God for the gift of life and another year, I don’t just wanna MAKE IT COUNT, at the end, I wanna COUNT what I MADE of IT.

Its my birthday on the 28th of January peeps, feel free to DM credit, BBM credit, SMS credit, just gimme some friggin’ credit so that the ministry can keep moving!

Im popping a bottle of Swan water here on behalf of the GBAGAUN detectors and HATERS, im standing on the pavement of the 3rd mainland bridge, now pouring a drop into the ocean, when u find it, I’ll have your time…MTSCHEEEEW!!!

*Insert your favourite Africa Magic igbo Soundtrack here*

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

*Roll credits*

NO TITLE...i couldn't think of one!!!

2011-01-10T21:41:00.000+01:00

The following takes place between 9am and 9.35pm..Events occur in real time…

Reason the events are occurring in such a long period of time is cos that’s how long it took me to complete the typing of this post, thanks to various occurrences such as PHCN outage which is a constant anyway, food break, toilet break, ping and Twitter breaks amongst others..if u are smart and sharp, u will discover that there was no girlfriend break or such..the reason isn’t far fetched, SCROLL down to the previous posts..and if ure feeling cool with urself at this point because u have a GF, don’t be too excited yet, wait till Feb 15th to rejoice…I’ve got a valentine post coming up and a lotta y’all will hate me after it but c’est la vie…

So wassup Utunnus (warreva that means), wats d koko? (warreva dat means), How’s ur sinzu? U know its amazing how we’ve just adopted these words into our lingo without knowing what they mean, if we were to write a dictionary, most of the words in it would have no definition! The world is becoming abbreviated lol…LWKM, LHKM, ish, appaz, ROTFLMAO, ROTFLMBBO, IHP4P, NHTTL…if u can decipher the last 2 words by the way, I’ll celebrate you in my next post..okies then, its been a drab kinda week for me..was down with fever caused by food poisoning earlier in the week but im back up cos u cant keep a good man down utunnu!! Shout out to all my tweeps that shouted out @ me @bleezers, @spitgucci @Msjazzyfied amongst others…u’re far too kind.

This post however isn’t about me (yellss I’m humble like that!), it’s a deviation from my normal (but I ain’t so normal so *shrugs*) I want to address an issue of serious economic importance that requires grade A consideration and observation, a situation that will not be given due hearing in the chambers of our judiciary but can and will be addressed here at the location of the convergence of this audience. its about a cankerworm that has eaten deep into the thick fabric of our society, its about the ‘disma pisma’ that erodes our very existence, an ‘incredible missile’ darris slowly wrecking apart one ‘kelly and some’ cohorts of his…*exhales* Ok, if at this point u still don’t know what im saying then u really should stop reading right now and #slap yourself..done? Good!! Scrolling through my TL during the week and I came across the story brewing up that Kelly hansome (?) ~~(why d guy no spell d handsome complete, im dey fear?)~~ had come out with a diss track for MI…my first reaction was to smh..as in u know that kind of shaking when small pikin no wan hear word..yeah! that kind!! You know, I always remind you that this is MY blog and the opinions expressed here are purely mine ehen! Because im about to express another one and darris that whether u like it or not, MI and Kelly hansome no be mates as in not even the same class…u know d rest.

My 2nd reaction was “why won’t Oga Kelly just pick on someone his own size?” (pun intended ~~but sha, I really don’t understand when this is applicable..true o!~~) I think that the money Oga maga paid some years ago has finished..ehn no yawa naw! He should have decided to battle someone like ‘Konga’ or ‘Rasqie’ or better still met Oga Olu maintain to show him the way, by the way, there’s only one Kelly that me I know o and that’s R.kelly!..back to size, Oga Kelly had already entered d history books as one who ‘STOOD UP’ to MI in times past, why did he have to do it again?, now its becoming clearer that irrespective of height, MI stands head and shoulders far above Oga Kelly lyrically!!! Pls if u’re looking for fair hearing, u won’t get it here o, wait for @ifreke to do Twitter round up or watch 9’o clock news bcos im totally #TeamMi..don’t like eet? Do a Kelly hansome (shoot urself in the chest!)

So Oga Kelly writes on his Twitter page how his album has sold 5 million albums and is still selling 0_0 , me I’m like egbami o! really? Pls warris d name of d album o? cos d only hansome song I’ve heard is Maga don pay…Its not as if I don’t like Oga Kelly but if u wanna go head-to-head with MI, at least make sure you pack some punches. I got the link to the song and decided to DL it and listen for myself…you can DL it here:
http://www.4shared.com/audio/g5BKMgLI/KELLY_HANDSOME_-_FINISH_YOU_BO.htm

Eventually after listening, I agreed with @ThelmaTweets who said she would have spent the 3:59secs picking her nose instead…I mean, where were the punches? Bash Ali would have done a better job abeg…“Yes I am kelechukwu, Kelly hansome is handsome…MI2’s so dumb, so many features on the album, wack tracks the outcome..how come?...Ur whole album sounds like a mixtape, Flavour on the track was ur only escape.. short like a maltina bottle, like wande im’ma make ur fat black ass model…” (yawns) He also took shots at jesse jagz, ice prince and Wande coal (who had sweetly put him in his place in the “who born the maga song”) re: “…Why u con dey find wetin no find u, put ur mouth for wetin no consign u, u be arsenal, omo I be manU , u con dey vex because we dey outshine u..i don’t wanna harm u, no be threaten, na d truth I dey yarn u…before my fans go gather up handle u, u go think say na molue jam u…”

I’m not one to shout wolf when there’s none! IMO, the first MI album was better than this, MI2 was greatly hyped and anticipated, me sef I join hype am on twitter and it trended, it doesn’t take away the fact that there are great songs on it (epic, imperfect me, wild west etc) I don’t think oga Kelly would have been able to pull it off even with d help of the Mo Hits hype man..(that fat guy that dances galala so well)..Well while Oga kelly’s album is still selling, MI just received a 20 million naira cheque for selling the marketing rights of the MI2 album not to talk about record sales and royalties…Bottomline of this post is this sha, I think Oga Kelly should concentrate on releasing an album we know about instead of trying to get cheap publicity by ‘attacking’ Choc Boys and Mo hits…MI should also realize the strategy and be smart enough not to be drawn into a word exchange…and we fans should sit back and be entertained whatever d case may be…by the way, at the time of this post, Kelly RANsome’s followers had increased to 1803 after the diss track, MI still has only 32,800+ Wish 'em both the best though but really again, Ogs kelly should ga'an diss konga and Rasqie to help their careers! (don't count on it sha)

Here’s something to look forward to though, Feb 14th is around d corner, I know where im gonna be sha..home alone (yeah its Kevin baby!)..i’m gonna be doing a special (hopefully) on things to expect from your guys 4d ladies and things to get for your ladies 4d guys..these things range from excuses to gifts..BUHAHAHA (my evil laff)..so u can like to stay tuned for that and tell your friends abourrit as well.

Anyway, like I always say sha, those who come here to look for gbagauns to feed on, u sure will be constipated by the time u’re thru with this one…so quoting from the subject of the day “go boil stone, it will cure your sickness or maybe u should focus on your business” mtscheeew….

Comment o after reading before i "finish you boy/girl"

@KevinWithAnL

sound sultan's voice 2011 don come...

2011-01-06T10:51:00.000+01:00

2011… The year is finally here, A year so eagerly anticipated by many just fr the sole reason of having a new excuse to start again..As is customary, it has been christened in various ways: to some its “2000 and heaven”, others say it is “2000 and elevation” , “2000 and hammer” Churches of course are not left out “tagging” the year “The year of divine Upliftment” (does this mean rapture?), “The year of breakthrough” (yawns), “The year of supernatural increase”…etc..i remember one year tagged “The year of Greater light”-me I thought that will mean NEPA will do well (for where?) *rme* Obviously, im not a fan of tags and slogans, though they are good for direction, they end up just being door and car stickers by February when d harsh reality of dis 9ja wey we dey so begins to hit!

Anyway guys, Happy new year..and I do pray that whatever it is you desire, as you work towards, u shall accomplish (Amen). Ok so straight to the issues at hand (u would think I really have smtn serious 2say…smh), The year kinda started slow though, I can boastfully say that I spent my crossover night on Twitter..well till 11.30pm when I snuck away to have some quiet time with God, yes o, He and I have a great relationship like that…i was done at about 12.10am and I patiently waited for my first call of d new year..omo I waited o! nothing!! Eventually, twas my dad that called on his way back from church…Next to call was @eagiddy, a tweep of mine..i was practically sleep talking so I cant even remember d nature of d conversation (I hope I didn’t tell her how endowed I am sha).. so after the last blog update, I had like the highest no of readers ever and some people even started ff me on Twitter as in ME! I haff die!! My head was bursting from all corners (no o, I don’t have ikechukwus kind of head o..haba!!)..Twas a nice feeling and I want to thank all y’all that endure the mental torture of reading my scroll and all y’all that RT the link, tanx a bunsh..shout out to @exschoolnerd @walegafar @ifreke..etc
Mainwhile, yelss..i made some decisions on January 1..not resolutions!

- I haff decided to stop kneeling down, as u saw in my last post..don’t ask me wat that means jor..u wanna koba me, basically mii r’aye gbogbo long tin yen..
- I haff also decided to work towards getting married in 2012, I dunno how dis will happen but we also didn’t know a black man will ever preside over America so *shrugs*..talking bout America, I hear Barry and Michelle are fans of Rihanna as someone overheard some bed talk going on:
Barry: what’s my name?
Michelle: Oh ba ma
Barry: whats my name?
Michelle: Oh ba ma
Now, we hear that aunty Michelle is preggers, correct guy, no slacking I hope it’s a boy sha..a black boy in d white house..dem dey craxe!!!
- I haff decided to live my life like its golden, not giving a hoot what any Tom,Dick or Sheila thinks.
- Decided I haff to register,vote and defend my vote (I dunno how I want 2 protect it cos I’ll rather go n seek refuge if kasala burst..ehen!)

Enough of my decisions, that’s not #whywearehere, its still early in the year but already there’s so much going on...some days ago a broadcast was circulated about May 21st, I didn’t actually get d broadcast, I guess peeps have understood my stance on them, but I saw it on some status updates so I decided to google ‘may 21st and voila! It says the world is gonna end on that day! Scared yet?? Now, I know the bible says “no MAN knows the time or hour” but it don’t say anything abt no COMPUTER PROGRAM so it got me thinking for a bit…what if the world DOES end that day? Where am I going? Ozone, Play. Aristotle, Silverbird, Heaven, hell… So if it does end, I wont marry? I wont have d pleasure of kpoxing my wife on a daily basis and in every area of d house, stairs, kitchen, garden…? Ah! No o!! as in this is d reason D’banj sang that olorun maje song…if it does end, we wont even have the pleasure of swearing in a new president, Arsenal will not be crowned league and champions league winners (pls forget that barca rubbish, we will handle them,just dey watch na). If the world ends…the list is endless.

I can imagine the trending topics on Twitter the day before: #MyLastWords #IfWeSurviveTomorrow #MyConfessions #IfTheWorldEnds… it will be totally hilarious, many will not sleep, im sure that day will be sex free worldwide (who wants d trumpet to blow while u sef ure blowing?) or u’re shouting “God,I’m cuming, I’m cuming while at it...and God replies “Continue, u’re not among jor”.. But let not your hearts be troubled, whether its may 21st 2011 or sep 28th 2012, it don’t make no difference, it could as well be tomorrow, bottomline is that whenever it is, we are ready to go…so I ignore d dates and focus on living everyday like its my last, u should too!
So my people, that’s about it for this edition sha, u can like to tune in next time, same place i.e same BB or PC or Mobile Phone to view d next post. If this or any other post has been a ‘blessing’ to you, pls tell your friends abourrit…

And for my GBAGAUN seekers, heres a piece of advice from the deepest crevices of my pulmonary artery located near the palpitation producing organ aptly called Mon Coeur (French for my heart)…If iz paining you that im blogging or theres Gbagaun here, I can’t say u shd go and hug transformer cos nowadays PHCN have succeeded in ensuring there’s steady supply of NO power so u can try sending Yahoo Messenger message to report me…mtscheeew!!!#OkBye

END OF YEAR POST...

2010-12-31T03:28:00.000+01:00

WARNING: This edition is gonna be exhaustive and cumbersome, it is also Rated ‘TWITTER’ cos it constitutes of lines of severe intellectual depth and subliminals, IQ’s of FB are hereby advised to quit reading cos im sure u’re already lost…Ah! Shucks…who am I deceiving?

I remember 364 days ago this day, how expectations were high, everyone grateful for a year ending and expectant of the one about to roll in…Fast forward 365 days later and here we are at the threshold of the dawn of another year (I love it when I sound like this, it makes me feel so brilliant…hahaha)..Ok, back to reality…This day (December 31st 2010) is one we will NEVER see again…its one that will have lots of people streaming into church (some for the first time), others cos its d normal end of year tradition to spend it in the presence of God and hear what Pastor will declare the year to be, and yet for some others, its just yet another day to do more cooking and expect the inevitable annoying visitors that will come to your house the next day!

2010 has been abi na has being a very eventful year for me but I’m gonna skip all the events that have shaped the year and delve into the reason why we are here..when I look back on this year some hours from now, my greatest joy won’t be at the amount of money I made, the amounts of hearts I broke, the achievements or awards…my greatest joy will be seeing all the people I call my friends and family make it into the new year with me! Every other thing lost can be recovered but friends and family are gifts u can never have again when lost…On BBM, im sure u must have received the presently annoying broadcast of “ping me if ive offended u so I can say I’m sorry before the year runs out”, the one of yesterday was “send me credit if ive offended u so I can call and apologise”…the Broadcasts will keep coming, however since this is my blog and I can say wharreva I like (if u vex, u can ga’an hug Optimus prime), I’m gonna be ‘talking’ about all of u..letting out my steam so that I don’t take it into d new year..ths might be quite revealing so if u have a short tolerance span, this will be a nice point to gerraway…

This edition is dedicated to my friends on Twitter cos y’all have made my 2010 worth every minute..ure d reason im addicted to it, I want to always check up on my Twives in the morning when I wake, I want to see who @ero9ja is bullying today, what @SpitGucci has to say etc…God help me!! Ayt before we head into the shout outs and exposes..lemme do a quick update since the last post..Appaz, as the holidays wound up for me, there was one last gathering to attend..a simple outing day for me eventually turned into a Tweep gathering at E-center, I had originally planned to see a movie there after doing some biz for my dad earlier in d day, but plans changed a day before when I discovered that a lot of tweeps were gonna be meeting there, I think it started with @vivisleek and @Chyychy and then it just snowballed down to all our TL’s..a lot of people on my TL are pervs sha cos 95% (me excluded o…I’m a saint like dat) just came to confirm if @vivisleek is as ‘endowed’ as her avatars show..incase u don’t know, her avatars are always pics of ass and nothing more..so u catch my drift eh? Ok..u’re a perv too!! So long story short sha, Twas madt fun, met a whole lot of tweeps and lets now jump into the shout outs and exposes shall we?

*insert jump here*

Here we go…

The story of my 2010 will not be complete without the star actor of this blog..infact she is d reason I changed this blog from a normal informative thing to this online diary sometin..

‘Barbie’..im sorry guys but I cant mention her handle yet..but if u scrutinize d fine girls on my list, she’s definitely d first that will pop out..Lovely sense of humour, sharp tongued, witty, BEAUTYfull, Spirit filled Arsenal lover (yay!) u’ve been a hard nut for me to crack in 2010, friends since 2003, weve come a long way..here we are abt to add another year and all I ask *now kneeling before this tweet audience, no ring in hand though* is that you give me a chance to enjoy the rest of your life with you…i really do love you and I know we can make this work…I’m crazy? Yeah I know! U’re SYB, Yeah I know too!!!

@gigachic…As far as im concerned, the wittiest, funniest lady on twitter, but in real, the sweetest lady I know..pretty, with a voice to die for, jeez!!! As in eh..and her giggles are heavenly…thanks for August –November, I will NEVER forget..ure one of my TOP blessings of the year..i hope, I still get 2 be chief bridesmaid o..yels ke!! Love u babes

@Anniefertiti …a TRUE friend in every sense of d word, Guys she’s the SI unit of sarcastic, yet I haven’t met any so caring, she literarily nursed me through my downtimes and has proven to be a friend in deed, e remain in NEED…(~~jokes~~)..an interesting tweep with a knack for ‘stealing’ all my male friends even in reality o..all of them just get attracted to her…love ya still..Guys she’s single o..u can like to add her and who knows tomorrow…

@Sumbyjay… everytime I see u on my TL, I smile cos u just dey talk ur own on d twitter sha eg: “ah!where r this people?” “they r not here now o” “later they will be looking 4 me” “mtschheeeew”…a real friend uve proven to be n like I said, I cant wait to send my kids to Aunty Sumbo’s for holidays..love u so much and my respect for u eh…file!! Don’t tosh it!!!

@1Rated_X …My brotha from anotha mother, Bond himself..nuttin do u o guy! Smooth, savvy, dapper, doesn’t tweet much but is one hell of a sarcasticTwit (pun intended), He thinks he’s God’s gift too women but d annoying thing is he learnt all he knows from me..this guy can flirt as in..hmm..his own pass me, at least my own ends on Twitter but his own..iz a long tin o! hailings boss..

Ok, the above peeps are ‘awon temi’ as in..we’ve come a long way..so now lets jump again into tweeps on my TL

@bleezers…Tall, fair and hansome..I like u o guy, especially ur sleepy eyes..it can trip any girl, ur tweets are sensible and meeting u was a delight..i’ve got ur back sha stop jumping from one of my friends to d other..make up ur mind, is it @sumbyjay, @Eselyzo11 or @serkce…haba!!!

@ThelmaTweets… if ure not ff her, guys ure on expired panadol as in WTF (what’s that for?)…she’s RAWer than WWF, she arouses u in the morning, keeps u aroused all day and sustains the arousal all 9t (is u dat know wat arouse means o!)..and her avatars eh…don’t let ur mum caych u staring oh..shes been a true friend to me and her heart is so pure but her mind eh..i love so much babes, Tx for keeping me sane

@engee01… fine girl, ebony black chic (simon, u shouldn’t read this o!) met her for d first time at ozone but she’s my Twife sha…gr8 sense of humour, oh! I know simon is here, I can’t now say that her hips don’t lie..shes great tweeple…Mwah!!

@BragginRightz… dis one is a confirmed kolo boy (not surprising tho), fun tweep, if u don’t like his choice of words, u can open ur own twitter..he’s my guy sha.. he’s a ladies man too

@m4minx… I have a confession..if wikileaks ever leaks my DMs, the ones ive had with dis lady will crucify me, HINT: shes calabar *ahem* moving on..shes cool, met 4 d 1st time at ozone, also dsnt tweet much but shes fun fun fun, and her mind is no garden of eden sha..nuff said! Love ya

@HUGOverified… pls if ure not ff this ONE, stop reading here and go and ff…Twitter flirt toh badt, dis one is just gone, he’s finished, he’s a proud womanizer, requesting kisses everywhere..but great person, met him @ ozone too..he dsnt send o, imagine he came to ozone with pam slippers and cos of dat d bouncers at koko lounge didn’t allow us enter…weyrey!!!

@Spitgucci… don’t ask me whether he spits a lot or he’s always wearing Gucci..all I know is, he’s a live wire..cool dude, nice dress sense..guy, I scrutinize ur avatars and ure always on point! Met @ ozone and d ladies seem to like him sha..but dude, methinks ure kinda shy with ‘em..if na me eh..hmmm..ok o!

@Chyychy… small but mighty chick..she can GBAGAUN u on twitter so think b4 ff, shes quiet when u meet her but those of us with minds like these, yet quiet on d outside r d dangerous ones o..she’s a stunner too…are u single?

@WF_SimonSEEZ… Pronounced ‘world famous simon says’ …met @ ozone… cool dude, as in im be like chairman, plenty money and things…he’s a regular tweep, not too often like some of us..he tweets sense and from his tweets, I can tell he’s totally careful not to yarn dust..he shocked me when he said he read my blog, I’m like really?? People read this? I’m honored bro…that word alone has motivated me to keep boring y’all with my stories..

Omo, I dey yawn o (its 2.43am now)

@Le_Maxx… Barrister lawyer that im sure is an olodo, this one can be trying me on dis twitter, dis place will not contain us as in ma kpa e da’anu … lol…I enjoy max and I always look 4wd to his tweets so I can jump on em and say somthin annoyin…he makes sense, he’s a fine yellow boy ladies, I dunno if he’s single sha but he used to like women those days in UNIBEN…big ups bro and do quick and marry @bukiola if shes d one..dont be flooding my TL with her RT

I know theres plenty people I haven’t mentioned as in explicitly but u all contributed to my great adventure of 2010, tweeps like @Eselyzo11 @jemieyt @exschoolnerd @JustAdivaa @ifreke @walegafar @MsJazzyfied @lilmissbeebee @JussBasco @DpEsho @lilmissfoy @lafeyethe @ScriptKidd @ero9ja @schwetiepie @mamustam @honaiy @serkce @Benxxx2 @lhanray @tobiamoo @FunmiFatona @SheriphSkills @vivisleek.. etc

I’d appreciate it if we all could add any tweep listed here who isn’t on ur list so we can become one big happy Twamily..thanx ..iz a suggestion o, I am not by-forcing you! If I didn’t mention your handle, plixt don’t vex, there’s no shekpe in this system right now…d sleep darris cashing me is not here..

I love u guys so much…the curtains are being drawn on 2010..and my prayers for us are that – Twitter will NEVER crash (abeg DM me ur pins after reading just incase..seriously), NETWORK (MTN) will stop frustrating us, U will have money to subscribe, for those without BB, u will buy BB, for those who want iPad, well start with BB…

God keep us all…see y’all in 2011…Happy new year guys!

please do drop a comment...the feedback helps...tnx

In the spirit of the season, I won’t tell u anything if u’re looking for Gbagaun, I’m sure ive left a lot for u to find…enjoy!!!

TWITERAVE and STUFF 1

2010-12-25T20:41:00.000+01:00

My people, this time it really has been a while but abeg its not easy to write abi blog..its even harder when u’re on Twitter which is our ‘blog-on-the-go’ program…Also being in lag doesn’t even make it any easier cos there are (in my case) lots off distractions.

I’ve been in lag and a lot has happened after ‘The experience’ but im’ma try to remember it all and put it up here for my reference and your viewing pleasure..so appaz (that’s new lingo for apparently) the trips started for me as I attended barbie’s induction into N.I.M (yeah she’s smart like that)..from there, we ‘controlled’ @Eselyzo11 , @Sumbyjay and @bleezers...Lemme deviate here and introduce you to @bleezers, he’s a great guy, met him on twitter and he seemed like a great guy plus I think he’s having/had a thing for my friend @sumbyjay…so after induction rites and ish, we all headed to Ozone to do a movie and just hang out..my goal was just to give Barbie a good time in lag..so we get there and decide to do ‘Social Network’..great movie by the way, lotsa sarcastic lines and stuff…we had a ball and it was worth every minute…sometimes, just being with the ones u care for makes u feel more alive..

That was actually the last time I gotta see her before she travelled back outta lag..and call me chicken or yella but I still didn’t bring up any heart issues..so im back to square one In lag and I just had to find events to fill up my calendar for the remaining days of my holiday…Appaz (yeah that word again..) there was a Twitter party coming up on the weekend, also my secondary sch reunion and weddings too..i had to choose which to attend, decided to do Twiterave and d reunion and beach party on Sunday…

The decision to attend Twiterave was borne outta d desire to just meet new people especially some peeps on my TL..so Saturday night 11pm at Number 10..before then though, I dropped in to Galleria around 7pm to do a movie..got there late but couldn’t cos d movie had started already, so I waltzed into the sports bar and chilled watching barca humiliate someone 5-1…spotted a chic playing snooker, looking all ‘set’..all I could say was “only in lagos” and I licked my lips..Got to number 10 around 9.30pm for the blue carpet thingy…yels o, I’m a celebrity toh badt..paparazzi cameras flashing and thingz..had to check my name on the guest list, standing between two ~~agberos~~ bouncers was the most innocent and sekcy ~~doormen~~ doorlady I had ever seen…she wasn’t too tall though, so while looking for my name, I had fun checking her out..*wink*…walking in and discovered I was sooo early..chilled at the bar and after getting tired of waiting, walked out to get some air..
While waiting, I saw her and it was so so easy to recognize her cos she definitely STANDS OUT..yeah @exschoolnerd came towards me and we exchanged pleasantries, introductions and all…she was also tired of the whole waiting thing and oh yeah…she was tired after attending funturf earlier in the day. Still chilling together and @toptosyn comes over, looking all dapper (more intros done)..engaged in chit-chat while waiting for Tweeps to turn up..and then doorlady leaves her post and comes towards us and I didn’t dull o…introduced myself (sharply) and discovered she’s @JustAdivaa…

Long story short sha, somehow somehow, I assisted @justAdivaa at door duties, had lots of red bull to keep me awake and agile..eventually joined in the parry but it was kinda like groupies and stuff and for people like us who came alone, we were seriously on a long tin…chilled with @exschoolnerd and @justAdivaa all thru, danced with myself and we (me n myself) had fun..met @walegafar who also chilled with us..stayed there till about 5am…it was fun but could have been better IMO…

Pls eh…Sleep is catching me right now, cos its Christmas night and im Uber tired but before I go , lemme South Shout to some people who have made my blog worth writing…

Eve..though u’ve found a Quality guy..u will always hold a special place in my heart and I mean ALWAYS!! Merry Xmas

Barbie…though u’re listed second, U know that U r (not officially yet sha) my number one and I don’t believe in Santa but u’re one Gift I want wrapped in ‘forever’…Merry xmas

Iris…what can I say? My ever reliable pyramid…love ya

@Sumbyjay…put simply, ure one of my bright spots of 2011…im blessed to know u

@bleezers…guy, lookin fwd to a deeper friendship in 2011

@exschoolnerd…tanx for clogging my TL and for not being stuck up when we met…ure good people, looking fwd to a real friendship in 2011

@ThelmaTweets a breath of fresh air, a true friend…if only tweeps cud enjoy u like I do, but I aint ready to share sha…love u

Ok..the list ain’t done, I’ll do a follow up probli before the new year…

This sleep is wrapping me up mehn so pardon the gbagauns u’ll see but if u don’t wanna pass, its my blog, I can gbagaun all I want while u can like to use Vaseline to fry dodo…mtscheeew!!!

EXPERIENCE

2010-12-06T10:09:00.001+01:00

Its a new week, and one that bears no semblance to those passed away..it probably has to do with the fact that im back to the city of my birth: LasGidi..here tranquility envelopes me and the hustle and bustle of the city makes me greatful that my heart still beats (though as i write this, im experiencing serious chest pain, dunno why)..im listening to 'Wild Wild West" by MI and the deep lyrucis and serene instrumentals are seeping through my every pore and fuelling an inner feeling that i cant describe...

Ok..lemme get this together, back in lag and the fun has already started..oh! a lil info bout my trip to lag..had to do a road trip cos mehn to fly now @ dis red december period wouldn't be a prudent decision..i wasnt alone on d trip though..had d pleasure of 'riding' with Barbie..yup! 4 hours of alone time! and u would think i would jump at the oportunity and go on and on about how i feel and all that, so did i? NOPE!!! why? well cos, iBelieve that what needs to be said has been said and i aint one to flog a horse..i just STRONGLY respect d words she told me when i brought up d issue d last time: "Theres Nothing to talk about"
We did have fun on the trip though most of it was spent with our heads down tweeting to each other and pinging (God help us from this BB madness...i loved every minute and i wish the trip didnt end but alas! it did and we parted...

So,after getting off, i started anther long trip to d island..eventually got in around 6pm cos of the lekki ~~traffic~~ hold up..picked up grub at Mr Biggs and bla bla bla...

Friday evening was the EXPERIENCE and oh boy! was it an experience..got to TBS at about past 5, twas s'posd to start at 7pm but trust naw, the whole place was almost filled to the brim..lagos get people sha..ah ahn!!! Barbie was somewhere in d midst of the 500,000 people and i had to find her (what are d odds?) but as a very good badt guy, even with the epileptic network connection due to d fact that everyone everywhere seemed to be trying to call somebody somewhere..i was able to locate her! yes ke..im gangsta like that! I'm gonna skip all d yadi yada happenings in between...we got great 'seats' facing the stage..these seats were actually a constructed platform made of wood and erected upwards in a stadium like manner (u dig?) hold this picture in ur mind cos i'll come back to it..there we met @Sumbyjay and her friends..and @Sumbyjay was looking all good and em...i know she'll read this so i wont say more cos we are fighting now....While waiting for the EXPERIENCE to begin, we decided to look for @ThelmaTweets who had promised us cans of Fayrouz..i wasnt actually interested in d favrouz but my curiosity was etched on the fact that i wanted to CONFIRM that the things i see on her twitter DP are for real and not some work of photoshop and YES!! seeing her erased all doubts!!! We got the Fayrouz and i got a really tight bear hug as in eh...@ThelmaTweets is a great girl..nice spirit, fun and em..endowed too..i spent time with her later on...

On the whole, the EXPERIENCE was great..i danced eh..as in even me sef iTire for myself, d worship was on point..at some point, all i could wish for was that everyone there would be in eternity when it comes but...the whistling and vuvuzelas would have raised the dead without stress..just so d dead can ask to be allowed to rest in PEACE! Barbie and @Sumbyjay had to leave around 1am..and their departure took out the fun from my location..one abi two yoruba guys now came to take their seat as in all these native buba and sokoto wearing people..i mean: who wears buba and sokoto to a concert? they just came n started sleeping n snoring adding to the whistling and vuvuzelaing...i just quickly relocated to meet @ThelmaTweets and there i met @Tobiamoo cool dude..and i loved d fact that he got his worship on..all y'all that judge us Twitter folk should have a rethink: Never judge a person by their tweets, u dont know who they are in person..he seems like good people and he's a gunner..yay!!

I left for home around 4.30am...tired, fulfilled and blessed...The most amazing experience for me wasnt any of the ministrations, or the Presidents speech or any of the prayers neither was it meetng @ThelmaTweets nor hanging with Barbie or @Sumbyjay...Remember our 'seats?' my biggest trip was that inspite of the mammoth number of people that were seating, standing and dancing on that wooden structure and inspite of the way it seemed like it would give in to our weight...God somehow held it together..(dont give me any engineering explanation) the catastrophe would have been incredulous if it had collapsed...My conclusion is that whatever is kept in God's hands, He's able to keep..

Have a great week...

looking for Gbagauns? have a field day cos im sure u'll find many, when u're done u can like to use cement to do face powder....mtscheeeew

TWITTER LOVE 2

2010-11-29T17:47:00.000+01:00

Hey guys, here we are again..err..lemme see if I can possibly round up this gist today…please if u’re lost or sumthin, then u might have to read the last post to understand or follow along on this one..
So here I am now getting over the issues of the last months by allowing meself to be open to meeting new people, making new acquaintances etc and I must say that BBM and Twitter provide you with such an opportunity..During this my little sojourn, I really came to discover that unlike facebook which I think is full of ~~dullards~~ uninteresting people who can’t spell, Twitter is full of minds that seem to be bursting at the seams..u have to be on an IQ of about 140 to stay n-sync with the things being said and really understand and appreciate the wit and sarcasm that is hounded all over the place. Might seem boring at first but with more cool tweeps, it all becomes worthwhile..forget all those stars that act like dem dey win award for not following people…shior @ them!!
So anyways,last time, I ntroduced you to eve…yeah, eve and I have been talking on phone and chatting on BBM but we’ve both come to the painful realization that it ain’t gon’ happen between us and like I said last time, we just gonna kick it as friends ~~with no benefits.~~ It really hurts (like realizing your folks omitted your name when listing their kids after winning the US lottery)..that kain thing! Eve and I though share a love that is so pure, true and made in heaven and so can only probably exist in Heaven.. So since life has to go on on earth, I returned to twitter to seek out new, interesting, witty, fine people (I just gave a clue to my preferences) that I could strike up an innocent friendship with..came up with a few ie @exschoolnerd , @ThelmaTweets, @lafeyethe @mimirazzi etc…quickly as a sharp guy,somehow-somehow pins were exchanged and they joined my growing legion of BBM contacts..funny enough, ive only pinged ‘em on very very few occasions…none caught my eye as in..they are either out-of-my league or too celebrity-like. @lafayethe asked for my pin and I thot she might fly till I discovered she was more in love with my Twife ‘eve’ and had a boyfriend sef….mtscheew!! and less abi lest I forget,just some days back, eve tells me she’s now dating someone (as in for real o)..well, I had made my peace with the inevitable long before now so nothing spoil ~~yet~~ …
In all these escapades, I must still confess that my heart still beats for just one person but to overcome the lonely feeling that could come when it hits you, I ‘busy’ myself with all these other contacts…yeah, I know I’m whipped! I ain’t even gon’ try to defend myself, when I get on twitter after checking my DM’s and mentions, I head to this person’s page, read thru her tweets and her TL..yeah, BITE ME!! As if u sef u’re any better..abegi!!!
Allow me introduce you to ‘barbie’…yeah, she’s d reason for the season…and no, Barbie ain’t her real name ahn ahn..but she’s gonna be Barbie in this true life ~~story~~ blog…This past weekend was one very memorable one for me because it afforded me the opportunity to spend time with Barbie who was in town for an occasion…don’t let ur perverted minds drift far: nothing sinister happened but being in the presence of some people for just some minutes makes u wish u could spend forever with them, but u know what they say about beggars, horses and wishes ~~but now I think beggars prefer HSE’s to horses~~
Away from the women before you will be thinking that I’m some kinda woman freak, ive got great guys on here that I look forward to meeting and hangin out with sometime..peeps like @sheriphskills, @ifreke …someday sha!
So here I am, still where I’ve always been, trying daily to survive in this dog eat dog world..keeping my head up…hoping that someday, I would share with y’all how I’ve finally settled with the lady of my dreams abi na reality sef…*rolling eyes* Till then, y’all just gotta endure my rants…
more to come...
Like I say/said..this is my blog and I aint proofreading it or checking for errors, if u’re doing Gbagaun mopol here, u can like to go and dance alanta on 3rd mainland bridge…mstcheeeew!!!

TWITTER LOVE 1

2010-11-23T11:07:00.000+01:00

Hey peoples, its really been a minute since i put fingers to keyboard and lotsa reasons anyway...i ain't gonna bore u with all those details, so im just gonna delve straight into the stuff i've gotta say!
Well basically a lotta water has gone under the bridge or through the dam as the case may be, FYI this blog is gonna take a different kinda structure as in, its gon' be more informal though still educative so if u aint cool, u can like to hug a NEPA transformer and see the light!
So where were we? yeah, after the last post, i got more into the trends of the moment which of course are 'social' in nature i'e BBM, TWITTER, FACEBOOK (although FB is quite so annnoying nowadays), i seemed to have discovered my Tweet mojo and in my escapades and maybe cos of the nature of my tweets, i copped up a number of friends who have totally made it all worthwhile...A lot of peeps on Twitter have sumthn like alter-egos so dont be quick to judge people by their tweets (me included)..so as i was saying, lemme gist u about dis one lady i have a 'relationship' with on Twitter, shes basically my Twife, lets call her 'eve'
I was attracted to eve cos of the wit in her Tweets (sounds nice: wit and Tweets) hold on...lemme go and tweet that..Ok, im back! so i sent eve a DM to add me which she did and we had some Twinteractions..after a wyl, i requested for her BB pin which i got (yeah! im a bad guys o)..Incase u don't know BB is a very one kain sumthin..so sha, we chatted a lot, exchanged pics and all of that, sent voice notes and OMG! Eve has a voice that no amount of 'adams' would have resisted if she told em to eat grass sef not fruit abi apple! The voice just knocked me off totally and yeah, im a sucker for voices too (abi u wanna love a woman with James Earl Jones' voice? thats some serious jonzing o!) As much as me and eve clicked,there was a lil snag, shes some years older than i am..and though age aint nuthin burra number but it wouldnt have worked, so we are still in our Twitter relationship sha...
Em..lotsa other peeps have added me on BBM and its been fun with all sorts, infact flirting seems to be d order of d day on BBM o! i have like 3 wives, ive never met them o!! Infact Lord help me..but d good thing is im gradually getting over the hurts of d past months..i've got dis great friend i'll call 'iris'..shes had my back all d way...And i want her to know i lurv her (though she loves someone else o)
Ok guys.i'll try keep this up and update y'all more often on my escapades...
By d way, don't look out for Typo errors, they r there plenty, BUT this is my blog and i'll GBAGAUN as much i want afterall u ain't paying me....mtscheeew!! ( i kearnt that from @sheriphskills)

HEART RANTS..!!!

2010-10-08T11:43:00.000+01:00

Hey guys,
yeah it's been a while- i know..reasons are so far and in between..A lot has really happened in my life basically in the last 3 months. its been the most drama-filled months of my year, so where do i start from? Hmmmm...lemme back up a bit to August 17th..

AUGUST 17TH...to cut the very long story short, on this day, i ended what was a year and 9 months of dating..well,er..not because of infidelity issues or fights or quarrels but just because i realised that i was standing in the way of a person's destiny (sounds queer innit) but thats my story and im sticking to it.

So, inspite of the heart palpitations and hurt that comes aong with a break-up, nothing prepared me for what lay ahead..As i struggled through august, i got a call from home with the sad news that i had lost an uncle, might seem 'normal' but what made this the more hurtful was that we had d day before fasted and prayed for his recovery..and sometime during my quiet time, i actually stopped praying for his healing and told God to ease him of the pain and Let His will be done (i knew God was gonna take him)...so when the news broke, i kinda felt responsible!

I had to get to lag to be with mum and to heal my heart after my break up, started off as a good vacation and then somewhere along the line, my heart picked up a signal that had been inactive for quuuuiiiiite sometime..

i had loved this particular girl for almost all the time i had known her (7 yrs now) but had never had the chance to say it cos at the point i want to, someone beats me to it..so i was 'content' with just being her 'angel on earth' looking out for her and stuff like that! Maybe its d breakup that awakened me to the feelings that were always there but i saw a possibility of 'US' happening...we had being chatting on BB thruout my 'vacation' and one night she tells me a friend of mine asked her out..so im like.."this time i have to let her know what i feel so she can make her decision"

Long story short...after 3weeks in lag, a burial ceremony and a time of rest, she eventually gives me an answer and its not positive...so yeah! im back in the same hole i left..back to the hurt and the pain! so basically, this explains my absence but not to worry, im still gonna drop stuff to bless you and aid in your quest for your heart's desire...

This is just the state of my heart right now, i just thot id share this with you..
Have fun guys!

LESSONS FROM THE EAGLES...

2010-06-26T11:34:00.000+01:00

I commiserate with every Nigerian who dreamed of watching our beloved SUPER Eagles win a game in the World Cup competition.

My heart bleeds as I reflect on all our matches especially against South Korea. My sadness knows no bounds. My 'tears' have stopped flowing.

I was driving through Lekki (Lagos, Nigeria) today & my attention was drawn to the many terrible roads and there was a particular one that was flooded with thick, murky, muddy water. The street looked like a slum, but it had the most beautiful houses on it.

My mind immediately went to the Super Eagles: great individual talent but for lack of planning, investment and adequate preparation, we play like an unskilled team.

So you see, it's the same problem whose symptoms we see everyday in huge generators, overhead water and diesel tanks.

Beautiful lampshades with no light.

Beautiful taps with no flowing water.

Hugely talented players without wins.

Roads without drainage.

Police without security.

Judges without justice.

Hospitals without health care.

Graduates without education.

Businesses without profit.

Workmen without skill.

Can't we see?

It's the same problem! It will require the same solution!

Our nation is calling for Leadership required at all levels.

People who will take responsibility to build & transform their area of gifting until the entire nation is fixed.

Which aspect of Nigeria has God called YOU to transform?

Have YOU started transforming it yet?

Who are your closest friends?
Which aspect of Nigeria has God called them to transform?
Have they started transforming it yet?

Nigeria is bleeding and crying for leaders to emerge out of the shadows and the sidelines of the spectators and commentators.

We need players on the field of leadership.

It's already half time and we are a few goals down but the game is not over!

We need to substitute the Rulers on the field with LEADERS on the bench.

Get off the bench & start warming up.

It's time to Arise and Shine!

It's time to deliver the future.

You can. You must. You will.

3 Destiny Traps

2010-06-13T15:35:00.000+01:00

Hey guys,

just decided to share excerpts of a wonderful message shared sometime ago by FD.
I'm sure this will be a blessing to you.

Enjoy.

Recently, I made a comment on my FaceBook Fan page and profile about a covenant that I’d made with God over sexual fidelity with my wife, Tara on pain of death.

I got quite a few email messages asking me to explain what I meant. So this note is my attempt to put this all into perspective.

In 2001, while seeking God’s guidance after leaving Phillips Consulting and establishing Eden (which is our Christian lifestyle and entertainment group…today resident on 7 University campuses); I had received instruction to set up V.I.P Consulting (which is today known as Visible Impact), God revealed to me. 3 “Destiny Traps” that the devil uses to derail people from achieving their purpose.

These 3 Destiny Traps were described to me as:

• The love of money
• The lust and quest for power
• (Pre) or Extra Marital Sex

Some of you might have heard that I made a covenant of fidelity with God that if I ever tried to sleep with any woman who wasn’t Tara that I’d die before I could even attempt to.

Since that day, I’ve come to consider any woman who seeks to attract my attention for seduction; as an assassin! I also believe that any bed that I commit adultery with another woman is a coffin!

Therefore since neither assassins nor coffins hold any allure for me, I’m covered by God’s grace and resist the lust for extra marital sex!

Regarding the lust and quest for power, I got to understand that there are 3 levels:

• Motivational / Inspirational Leadership
• Relational Leadership
• Positional Leadership

From our conversations, I discovered that positional leadership is the lowest level while the other levels are available and bestowed on you. Relational and Inspirational leadership are extremely powerful forms of leadership.

Let me explain, the late M.K.O Abiola was an inspirational leader. Unfortunately, he died in his quest for positional leadership, because he literally stooped to pick up a lower level of influence.

Other great inspirational leaders have included Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi who died, not having any positional power and became exceedingly great because of motivational and inspirational power.

In our generation, we’ve seen the likes of Nelson Mandela and Barack Obama who expressed and harnessed the power of inspirational leadership to effect change in their nations.

And concerning the 3rd level of Destiny Traps; which is money, let me give you a teaser!

God clearly showed me the distinction between riches and wealth.

• Riches are fleeting, while wealth endures.
• Riches don’t guarantee wisdom as we’ve seen in the Scriptures as described by the “rich fool” in Luke 12:16-21 and it also grows wings and flies away as Solomon, the wealthiest man alive; succinctly recorded.
• Only God gives you the power to make wealth (Deuteronomy 8:18).
• Riches are a function of wealth, but wealth is riches and so much more!

(To be continued)

Why SHOUT?

2010-06-13T15:23:00.000+01:00

I will try answering this profound question "WHY DO WE HAVE TO SHOUT AT EACH OTHER"???

A professor of theology was teaching about Anger and he asked his students the questions:

"Why do we shout in anger?
"Why do people shout at each other when they are upset"?

The students thought for a while.

One of them said:

Because we lose our calm.

"But why shout when the other person is just next to you"? asked the professor.

"Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice"?

"Why do you shout at a person when you are angry"?

The students gave other answers but none satisfied the professor.

Finally he gave the Psychological, Physiological, and Practical Explanation for shouting:

"When two people are angry at each other, their hearts psychologically distance themselves".

To cover this perception of distance, they think they must shout to be able to hear each other.

The angrier they are, the louder and stronger they will shout to hear each other based on "The Greater Distance".

The professor then asked:

"What happens when two people fall in Love"?

They don't shout at each other but talk softly to one another.

WHY?

"Because their hearts are Psychologically, Physiological very close".

The distance between them is very small.

The professor continued, "When they love each other even more, what happens"?

"They speak, only in whispers as they even get even closer to each other in Love".

Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all....

So next time you shout to a "Supposed Loved One", know that you are creating distance between your hearts.

ADJUST AND DO THE RIGHT THING.

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