My Secret Biography Blog

Incredible Books that I Highly Recomend

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 18:49:00 +0000

While in financial captivity to the devious Lord El Stinko I have decided to compile a list of all of the incredible books that I love, and wish that I could afford.

Click here to see some of them, and you can even search a few of your own favorite books if you like. Enjoy!

My Awesome Books.com

Chasing Gerardo

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 17:13:00 +0000

Escaping from a mental institution isn't easy, just ask Elliot, but its especially not easy when you don't have a Pink Giantess to protect you against the Latin American Masked Luchadores...!!!

Check this Interesting Video out: Chasing Gerardo

Secret File From CAHOLES: Dr. Cobb Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 01:43:00 +0000

My brother in science Silver Quill is...absent...today. I fear the worst it has therefore fallen upon me, Dr. Cobb (PhD in History) to write this entry. Together we will probe the deep dark of the Superior Realms and the various worlds coalescing properties, as well as why it occurs. Of course, while I am writing this, a trusted source is investigating the nearest Wendy's in search of Silver Quill, who has taken to documenting their inner-workings.

The Superior Realm worlds repel each other. They are, in many ways, incompatible and thus can never come in contact. This means that left to their own world-ish devices they would be repelled through whatever undiscovered material surrounds them. This means that there must be some sort of adhesive influence upon the worlds, and we, the Chimerical Aggregation of Historians in Opposition to Lord El Stink, or CAHOLES—not to be confused with A. Holes— have sought ludicrous theory after farcical ideas until we have finally found one which seems to fit. We have named this The Mortar Theorem. That or The Theorem of Peanut Butter Sandwiches. We couldn’t decide which was better one spelled TMT and the other had PBS in the abbreviation and some of us Historians thought that both were a little unoriginal.

Anyway, the idea is that there is something acting as mortar between bricks or peanut butter between two slices of bread which keep these otherwise repulsive objects together. We call these objects Localized Adhesive Things or LATs for short. These LATs can be anything. Sometimes, such as in Norse mythology, they are trees such as Yggdrasil, World Tree, or as the center of influence is called in my current history of Uodor, the AllSpice. However, these things can really be anything that plays an important role in a collection of worlds which we have opted to call Pearl Strings.

LATs influence loops are called Pearl Strings because, like pearls, the hard outrebounds of each world, or pearl on a pearl string necklace, refuse to overlap. In the center of the loop is the LAT which kind of acts as a sting or binding agent without which the pearls would eventually drift away. There are some, such as I, who believe that each pearl loop is, in and of itself, just another pearl on an even larger loop connected with an even larger LAT. We are not sure how many times this cycle would repeat.

The CAHOLES have found evidence to believe that beings live in these LATs, manipulating the fate of the people in their sphere of influence. This is especially interesting where it is possible to see overlapping influences resulting in such worlds as advanced technology and magic. We are still in debate over these creatures’ names. Some feel that we should find words to fit TES so that it can be added to LAT to make LATTES, but others feel that this detracts from the seriousness of the matter.

Sincerely,

Dr. Cobb

Info About the Superior Realms

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 02:07:00 +0000

This video is a video that was recovered in a certain Russian forest in a certain part of the world where the veil between Universes is not as thick. Some scholars speculate that the superior realm is not merely an alternative world but rather it is the gateway to many worlds and many alternate universes. In my journeys I too have found that this is the case. In fact the superior realm is the place were all worlds containing sentient life is first conceived.

Interestingly all of these world follow specific governing laws, that MUST be followed otherwise that world must inevitably fall.

The following link is a video that contains interesting information about certain denizens of the imaginative world of television, called Enforcers (Enter the Machine). It appears that even purely invented things, such as television shows, must adhere to certain laws that are put into affect due to an underlying universe. In this case the universe of television. The Enforcers are the executive branch of this law of television.

Although the enforcers each have a unique and distinguishing look, they all have some similarities. The midnight black trench coat or cloak, the black leather gloves, knee-high leather boots like the Halloween Mens Horror Walker Black Boots--the kind you might see in the military--and of course the red unearthly trademark masks.

There are five main Enforcers not including, of course, the Enforcers who are "recruited" as the unfortunate young man was in this video. The Enforcers' names roughly translated are:

Horror: The apparent leader of the Enforcers and patron of all Horror shows.

Violence: The muscle of the group, featured in the video with a sword, patron of all action shows.

Drama: the dramatic one, with the cape. He isn't very strong, but very clever at twisting plots and words in a good soap opera.

Comic: Was not featured in this video.

Tragedy: Also not seen in this video.

I will continue to post my discoveries as I come by them. I have already discovered many new and exciting things, but I fear that I must wait to post all of them. Lord El Stinko is always vigilant.

Cordially,

Silver Quill

Status Report

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 14:28:00 +0000

Some of you are probably wondering what the heck I've been doing for so long. Well as I mentioned in my previous post I've been trying to sell all of those gosh darn cabbages with your help. We've had quite a lot of success actually, so far I've been able to inexplicably sell some 10,000 cabbages! That is amazing! Its all thanks to your efforts in spreading the news around. Thank you.

In addition to this little endeavor I've actually also been doing a little field work. Doing research to find out what really happened to Elliot and the rest of those slippery individuals. It's quite difficult when the people you want to write about keep slipping in and out of the Superior Realm.

Well wish me luck. I expect to begin writing again in some two months. Thank you once again for all of your support, if you have any clues as to where Elliot and the rest of the team are post them to this blog. I need all of the help I can get!

Cordially,

Silver Quill

Help me sell 20,000,000 Cabbages

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 16:24:00 +0000

Dear Readers:

I am pleased to inform you that my family and friends were able to deliver the 2,006,004 dollars; 3,267 packages of Italian sausages; and the 52 Kirby vacuum cleans demanded by Lord El Stinko. Unfortunately, however, our family fortune is now depleted.

I will not talk about the mortal wounds inflicted upon me, the hours of senseless violence I had to endure, nor all of the smell cheeses I was forced to sample. For I am more concerned now with the horrendous financial burden that my family was forced to undergo for my sake. I should never have been so careless; I should have known that Lord El Stinko would be coming after me, the author of truth in a dark and ignorant world.

I told my story to the police you see, but they didn’t believe that I had been captured despite my wounds. Wishing for somebody to believe my wild story, I happened upon a wealthy cabbage merchant from Bermuda. He was—to my everlasting gratefulness—willing to compensate my losses in the form of cabbages. This is where I need your help dear readers!!! No, I don’t want you to buy the cabbages that would be a horrible task to ask of you indeed.

Do you remember those incredibly annoying messages that you receive on Facebook claiming that for every person who joins a certain cause—supporting some orphaned princess trying to return to her homeland—one dollar will be donated to the cause? Well don’t ask me how it works, but illogically and inexplicably somehow money appears out of nowhere. Well I need you to do something similar, and just as illogical. For every time you push the +google button on this post, or share this message with your friends, I will inexplicable be able to sell all 20,000,000 of the cabbages, thus regaining back my family fortune!!! Brilliant!!!

Thank you so much for bearing with my insanity. Remember you’re my only hope…

Cordially,

Silver Quill

Ransom Note from the Not So Sincere Lord El Stinko

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 03:52:00 +0000

Dearest Victims:

The following is a Ransom note from your beloved Lord El Stinko... I hope you like the artistic way it was written.

If you ever want to see your dear editor, Silver Quill, again please promptly send 2,006,004 dollars, 3267 packages of Italian sausages, and 52 Kirby vacuum cleaners, to the Wendy’s in Omaha, Nebraska, come alone. If you attempt to contact law enforcement we shall know. You have five hours to respond, by telegraph if you wish, or you can simply meet us at the before mentioned Wendy’s in Nebraska. Considering the fact that there are very few operational telegraph offices opened in the United States, I strongly suggest just getting it over with, instead of trying to contact us by telegraph. In fact it would just be better for you to forget that I ever made such a suggestion.

Birds are rather interesting creatures in that the fact when they are captured they try to escape, but the more they struggle against the bars of the cage they only injure themselves more in the process. You had better hurry for the more you wait the closer your friend approaches death.

Not So Sincerely Yours,

Lord El Stinko

PS. Bring sunscreen the weather during this time of year in Nebraska can be rather stunning and garish, surprisingly.

Transcribed by Maurice

Silver Lining: Diary of Lord El Stinko

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 20:33:00 +0000

Dear Diary:

I was ill these last few days which made being evil and vile a little difficult. Well, actually, I take that back it was harder to be evil, but not necessarily vile. I still vomited all over some people and gave them my highly contagious delightful disease. And if we’re lucky my tapeworms as well!

I also sent a special little package to my mother this week. Won’t she be surprised when she opens it up to find that delicious banana cream pie, little does she know that it’s actually infested with this horrible stomach flu, because I made it myself while I was still sick! Last time the old bat got suspicious when she found that brown box I left her on the front porch with wires poking out of it. She got lucky I guess and called the bomb squad. This time though I shall succeed… Her immune system is weakened in her old age, and I know that she won’t be able to resist the creamy banana goodness within. Her body will be compromised by thousands of tiny microbes, which may just, we can only hope, rid us of the surplus population—if you catch my drift.

You know, you really get to understand who your loyal henchmen are when the mastermind of the operation is sick. The henchmen who really care bring you chicken noodle soup, and read to you at your bedside, and clean the vomit bowl after its been used. I think Eugene is due for a raise. His progress in the last few days has been very impressive, he has pretty much taken control of the situation while I’ve been ill, and he’s been doing a very good job at it. Who knew that he had so much evil potential locked away inside of him? Not only that but he did clean the vomit bowl…

All of this time in bed has given me a lot of time to think, and I’ve been considering going more into the theater. It was my childhood fantasy to one day be a famous actor. So I think I’ll start with something small and work my up. I haven’t quite figured out what I will be doing yet. It has to be something good. Probably involving the destruction of small cute animals…

Although dark clouds of darkness, caused by this horrible illness, have shrouded my life it just goes to show you that my councilor was right: there is a silver lining around every cloud.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III

The Enchanted Hair Brush Part 22

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 17:09:00 +0000

I thought that after we had discovered that odd magical cottage in the forest, that things from then on out would be different… However, here were once again running through the forest, this I believe is becoming a reoccurring theme for our group. And this time we were with the brave responsible adult who was trying to help us get to the Superior Realm, turns out that you don’t stop being afraid when you get older. You especially don’t stop being afraid of giant Demon Bunnies from the Underworld. Sir Champagne and the Giant Demon Rabbit were following close behind us. Sir Champagne was riding on the back of the giant beastly creature.

“Where did that thing come from?!” Chris shrieked.

“It’s a renowned Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm! How could I have been so foolish,” Yaga chided herself. “I should have known that, that was how Lord El Stinko was getting the cheese out of the Underworld. He’s using the rabbit to run errands for him on the other side! It’s brilliant really, for an insane clown. El Stinko must have summoned him somehow.”

We continued to run but as we did I knew that it was hopeless, the rabbit was going to catch us for sure. “We’re done for,” I said in despair looking over my shoulder. The rabbit didn’t even seem to be trying anymore, it was so fast on its hug fuzzy feet, and we were so small compared to it that it wasn’t even a fair contest really.

“I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet!” Yaga cried. Even as she spoke she had one hand inside another pouch in her backpack, she was fishing around for something. I hoped it was a giant bear trap that we could throw behind us and hope that it would take down the rabbit. Of course we would probably need something a little more potent than a bear trap—probably more like an elephant gun.

Finally, Yaga found exactly what it was that she was looking for. “Ah ha!” She cried in triumph. I looked over to where she was running by my side. She had a wooden hair brush in her hand.

“Ah, no offense, but now isn’t exactly the time to be brushing our hair!” I shouted. “I don’t think that the Demon Rabbit will appreciate it much if we brush its fur either.”

“Silly boy, this is no ordinary hair brush.”

I waited for a further explanation but as we ran she simply threw the brush over her shoulder. Nothing happened at first, but then I heard Sir Champagne give a shriek of rage like a little girl having a tantrum. I looked over my shoulder to see the rabbit suddenly increase its speed as if its victims were going to escape. But, it was too late, the brush suddenly erupted! Each of the tiny bristles in the head of the brush began shooting upward toward the heavens, and suddenly widening and sprouting bark.

“Trees?” I asked. The trees grew so rapidly that the pink rabbit didn’t have time to jump over them before they were too tall. And they were so thick that he wouldn’t be able to gnaw his way through either with his yellow fangs. The line of trees was so long that they extended for as far as I could see in either direction behind us, as well.

“Amazing!” I said.

“Isn’t though.” Yaga replied. “I’ve been saving up the energy from trees for so long inside of that brush, I never thought that I would have to use it so soon though, she said. Magic really is quite incredible.” Yaga smiled mischievously.

To Be Continued…

History of Demon Rabbits

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Remainder of the Tribal Carrot People

Over the ages there have been numberless sightings of demon rabbits from the Underworld—the Underworld being defined as: the lowest level of what most experts call the Superior Realm. While it is not common that demon rabbits should want to actually come out of their hades-like world, for they very much prefer burning flames and the smell of sulfur to fresh air and trees, sometimes it is inevitable for them to do so.

Traditionally demon rabbits must feed once every year, and to do this they must come into the Middle Realm, or our world, to feast upon their natural prey. They’re natural food is the ancient Carrot People of the Middle East. This old and hidden tribe of wanderers once lived in peace and harmony traveling the sands of the Arabian Peninsula in an endless cycle starting around 3000BC. Until approximately the year 1175BC, the same time that the Egyptian Empire fought against the surprise attack from the unknown “sea people,” or the Philistines. During this volatile time of change in the region little do most historians recognize that the Carrot People also were undergoing a battle of their own.

The Carrot People were known for their powerful magical abilities amongst the Egyptians and their wisdom in matters of the stars, they had to be in order to navigate the vast sands of the deserts. However the Carrot People are most famous for their development of Teleportation and Portal Magic. Manipulating Energy, and light and causing it to twist in midair, the Carrot People could easily form a small wormhole that would allow them to escape if threatened by enemy forces. This of course is a very dangerous branch of magic. One can easily loose limbs in the transfer of energy from one place to another; care is required when creating portals. The Philistines had heard of the mysterious Carrot People and their portals, and hoping to use this magic to their advantage in the region sent a small elite team of Philistine Mages to retrieve the information. When they arrived the normally peaceful Carrot People were easily conquered, and taken captive by the Philistines. However an Elder Carrot attempting to summon help for his people threw open a portal to the Underworld and summoned the demon rabbits just in time. The Rabbits were summoned the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox, or in other words Easter.

The Elder Carrot had saved his people but at a great cost. Summoning the Rabbits on a day when the moon was still so powerful in conjunction with the spring equinox caused the same portal to linger, and now every Easter to date, Portals all across the world are simultaneously opened. Many people refer to this phenomenon as the Easter Bunny. For many years the Carrot People were forced to sacrifice one of their own to the rabbits as tribute, or protection money. Until the Carrot People realized that the demon rabbits are easily tricked and replaced their sacrifice with hardboiled eggs instead. And Small Human Children...

Battle of the Hare Part 21

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 08:00:00 +0000

“We have no intentions of surrendering to the likes of you,” Yaga said. She seemed awfully determined. As for me, I had no idea how on earth we were going to get out of this one without turning into giant fleshy balloons.

Yaga pulled the backpack that she had filled up before we had left the cottage, opened up a pouch, and pulled out a long silvery wand. Apparently this wand wasn’t her most powerful wand, but it was still something that she could use to somehow focus the energy from one thing to another. I had the feeling that this Yaga was very experienced. Sir Champagne had referred to her as the famous Baba Yaga. I hadn’t ever heard that name before, but it sounded important. In any case, it meant that she was probably a very powerful witch.

“What do you plan to do with that?” Champagne scoffed. “You know that all cheeses from The Curds of Wrath are immune to all magic.”

She pointed her wand forward and there was a buzzing electrical sound, like that from a science fiction movie. A beam of concentrated energy flew from the wand striking the stump directly behind the startled Champagne. And almost instantly the stump of the tree began to writhe and move, its twisted roots popping up out of the soil to grab Champagne’s ankles and wrists. He could no longer throw the cheese.

“Impressive witch!” Champagne said sarcastically. “Manipulation of Energy is a very advanced skill.”

“What did you expect from someone who is about 900 years old?” Baba Yaga replied.

“But I bet that you weren’t expecting this.” Sir Champagne said, he snapped his fingers that weren’t occupied by holding the cheese, and we heard a loud crunching noise as something large and pink bounded out of the forest toward the clearing. It was strange, really, how the odd pink creature jumped like that, it was almost as if it were… “A Rabbit!” I cried in alarm.

Just millisecond later an enormous rabbit about the size of the entire chicken-legged cottage jumped out of the trees and immediately, with its large yellow fangs, ripped through the roots that bound Sir Champagne!

The rabbit, I noticed, smelled rank like sulfur; and its pink fur was matted and stained as if it had been bathed in blood. It had red glowing eyes that seemed to pierce our souls. It stared at us cruelly as it nibbled on Sir Champagne’s restraints.

“A Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm!” Yaga yelled. “Run for it children we don’t stand a chance!”

To Be Continued…

The Return of Sir Champagne Part 20

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 15:55:00 +0000

His face was red and blistered from where the sizzling sausages had struck him in the face, like tiny meaty battering rams. The blemishes made him resemble a blushing toad more than anything else. He did not look happy, even though he maintained his air of nonchalance. Unfortunately, the spicy juices had not left him blind, as I had early speculated that they might.

With a flourish of his wrist he pulled out his long monocle on a stick and put it to his eye, so as to better look down his nose at us. “I see you’ve found an old friend of mine,” Sir Champagne said sarcastically gesturing toward Yaga with a flick of his monocle.

"Wait!" Chris interjected. "You mean to say that you two actually know each other?"

"I’m afraid that is indeed the case," Sir Champagne confirmed. "The famous Baba Yaga and I go back a long, long way, of course I can see that the years haven’t been kind to you my dear…" He remarked snidely. “I presume it’s accurate what they say: ‘vermin of a feather do indeed congregate mutually…’” (I didn’t like his rendition of the popular saying either.)

“That’s rich,” Yaga replied coolly. “For a man who has an affinity for hanging around deranged delusional clowns, is it not Champagne?”

Champagne sniffed disdainfully and ignored Yaga’s bighting comment. “Surrender the brats over to me now,” He said smoothly. “And I will let you go free old hag.”

Yaga chuckled, a deep sort of challenging chuckle, like a cross between a naked mole rat and hyena. “And just what do you think to do to me, you little half-brained twit. Sing at me? You know that your talent will not work against my magic.”

Sir Champagne smiled a little half smile. The kind of smile that left me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that gave me the impression that Sir Champagne was about to pull a nasty card out of his sleeve, the likes we knew nothing about.

Yaga’s lower lip pulled downward into a slight frown. She seemed unsure.

She took a step forward. But as she did Sir Champagne reached into his pocket with another impeccable handkerchief and pulled out of the depths of his long tailed, suit coat a lump of something mysterious, fuzzy, and dark orange in color. The soft lump began crumbling in his hand even as he held it. I didn’t know what it was until I smelled the horrible stench that emanated from it. It was another cheese!

I covered my nose and mouth with the inside of my shirt. The smell of the cheese was so potent that it almost made me faint on the spot luckily though I kept my scenes, and was able breath more through my nose. I saw Chris next to me also struggling for breath before she too, sputtering and choking, followed my example and pulled her shirt up over her nose and mouth.

Yaga didn’t seem to have any problem with the cheese in the least. She breathed deeply as if probing the air. “Ahhhh, Bloatanagousnastifungopolis,” Yaga said, apparently identifying the moldy orange fuzz sprouting out of the rancid cheese. “Another excellent specimen from The Curds of Wrath. Tell me how did El Stinko manage to travel to the Superior Realm and back again and maintain what little sanity he has remaining.”

“I’m afraid that would be confidential.” Champagne said covering his own mouth with a separate lacey handkerchief. “You may find out of course if you ask Lord El Stinko himself when you go to visit him, willingly, as my prisoners. I do hope you come willingly, corpses you see can’t ask questions.” Champagne glanced at us and back at Yaga. “You know what this cheese can ensure, so I’m warning you, surrender now, you don’t stand a chance.”

“What will it do?” I asked nervously.

“Bloatanagousnastifungopolis, is a nasty fungus that has the property of making whatever it touches expand to incredible sizes, and fill with helium gas, which then causes the victim to float into outer space.” Yaga said all of this in a matter of fact sort of tone. A tone that didn’t, I felt, portray accurately the seriousness of our predicament. All Champagne would have to do was through the crumbly cheese and all of the tiny curdled missiles would pelt us like putrid hail, we would be toast for sure. Or rather, giant fleshy balloons. Take your pick.

To Be Continued…

Giant Bunny Demon, Monkeys, and Nakedyenas Diary of Lord El Stinko

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:19:00 +0000

Today was a very fruitful day. Today we finally were able to upset the environment even more by feeding baby birds cheese, cheese that was brought back from the underworld of course. It would have been very foolish of me—after having summoned that giant bunny demon from the superior realm and forcing it to retrieve the fungus—had I not picked up a greater variety of cheeses from the Curds of Wrath. Naturally it’s always good to have a backup plan, a backup plan that is not as good as the original, but still…

Needless to say, this cheese had some very unpleasant effects on the tiny bodies of our helpless victims. It was very rewarding to watch them swell up to the size of small watermelons! It was also very rewarding because this was the day I finally had the opportunity to see Eugene smile and he even chuckled a little bit. Eugene has not ever once smiled since the day he started working for me, or at least, ever since we put that monkey in the meat grinder. Eugene has a soft spot in his heart for monkeys. But we beat that right out of him, if he wants to work for me he needs to understand that monkeys are the superior chili meat, that’s all monkeys are good for, delicious meat. And shredding lettuce. And getting the lice out of your clown wigs. And… Well never mind.

Muah muah ha ha! Tomorrow we are working on something that will make things absolutely wretched for the naked mole rats of Africa! We are hoping that we will be able to bread them with hyenas and make a hideous Naked-yena. It’s all great fun messing with genetics, but you have to make sure that the DNA is clearly not identical in any way shape or form to make things a little challenging. My councilor always tells me that life without a challenge is boring. It’s really ironic though, because that was the time I had him locked in the dungeon because he had tried to escape. I feel grateful that I have such an incredible councilor as my prisoner—or rather, I mean captive audience.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko the 3^rd

Retrieving the Golden Wand Part 19

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:08:00 +0000

“What’s that?” Chris said suddenly waking up from out of her deep crystal ball gazing.

“Yaga has agreed to help us.” I said cheerfully she’s going to take us to The Curds of Wrath so that we can destroy that cheese once and for all.

“Oh!” Chris said. “That’s great! I guess I missed out on more than I thought.”

“What did you see in the crystal ball?” I asked curiously.

“I can’t remember,” Chris said sadly gazing off into space. “You just made me forget with that exciting news…”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright then,” I said turning back to Yaga. “How do we start, and when do we get out of this forest.”

“We can begin as soon as I have my most powerful golden wand,” Yaga said grimly.

“Let me guess,” I said. “Mr. Thumb has your most powerful wand?”

“Yes,” she replied blatantly.

Of course, I thought. It just so happens that the one time when Mr. Thumb can actually be useful to us we ‘vanish’ him to some unknown location on the globe.

“We don’t know where he is.” I said sadly.

“Well then we best get looking for him then.” Yaga said. She walked over to a small closet and pulled out a small leather backpack. “This has everything that we are likely to need on our journey,” she said. “And I suppose that I can finish your training on the way. I might be a magic user but I do know a thing or two about talents. More than that idiot Mr. thumb at least.”

“How did you learn so many things?” I asked her.

“Well, over the millennia you pick up on some things,” She said. “Talents are a particular fascination for me, because they are so rare and most of them are new originating somewhere around the 1990’s. I have an obsession, you see, for things that I don’t know nearly enough about.”

The sun had already risen, we hadn’t slept at all that night but for some reason we didn’t feel at all tired. It must have been that strange blue rose petal tea, I thought. I also felt more optimistic about life in general. I didn’t know what was going to happen to us on our journey but it just felt as if we were now on the right track.

We stepped out of the doorway and into the sunlight and began to walk toward the trees. But as we did, I noticed a figure leaning against a tree stub filing his already perfect gleaming nails.

“It’s about time you egressed from your shanty,” Sir Champagne said in his lilting voice.

To Be Continued…

Curds of Wrath Part 18

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Section of the Curds of Wrath Cheese Factory

“Now it’s your turn to ask a question,” the woman said. She seemed more eager now to answer the questions than she had before.

“Well…” I said. “Let just imagine that somebody happened to have the cheese with the fungus. How could one get rid of it, without causing a biological disaster?”

“An interesting question,” Old Yaga chuckled. “So you do have the cheese after all. I figured that El Stinko wouldn’t spend so much money on a professional assassin just to take out two kids. You are very fortunate to be alive. Champagne isn’t one to let his prey escape so easily.”

I looked down out of embarrassment. Yaga had figured out that we had the cheese much more quickly than I had imagined.

“Not to worry child,” She said. “I have no intentions of helping Lord El Stinko with his smelly cheese. And I’m afraid that you are correct there is no way of getting rid of the cheese without causing a biological disaster.”

“Couldn’t you just destroy it with your magic? Turn it into energy or something?” I asked.

“No, I’m afraid that the fungus is completely impervious to all powers. It is quite harmless, unless you eat it, I’m sure you’ve noticed as you’ve carried it around with you this whole time. However, the fungus can definitely protect itself.”

“There must be some way that we can get rid of it.” I insisted.

“Well…” The old woman pondered, ”there is one way. But you may not like it.”

“Tell me,” I said simply. “We need to get rid of this evil.”

“Very well, if you must be so melodramatic.” Yaga said. “In order to get rid of the cheese, you must cast it into the curd from whence it came.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Ah, but here’s where things get a little complicated. That particular cheese mold can only be cultivated once every ten years in The Curds of Wrath.”

“The Curds of Wrath?” I asked questioningly.

“The Curds of Wrath is a giant cheese factory that is found in the underworld of the superior realm. It is the home of all deathly cheeses. All of them can give you absolutely horrible gas.”

“The Superior realm,” I said out loud. The place sounded familiar. I was sure that I had heard Gothgora talking about the superior realm before. She had said something about that that is where all invisible friends come from, or did she say that, that was where they all went after they had died? In any case, I was sure that I had heard of the superior realm before.

“How do we get there?” I asked eagerly.

“Now hold on just a second,” Yaga said. “That’s two questions that you’ve asked already. I think it’s about my turn.”

“Sorry,” I apologized. “Ask your question.”

“Do you have any idea what the underworld is?”

“Ah, sort of,” I said, “isn’t it sort of like heck.”

“That’s a bit of an understatement.” Yaga said. “But yes it’s the worst sort of ‘heck’ that you can imagine: with horrifying beasts that would just as soon eat you on a cracker with that smelly cheese of yours rather than look at you.”

“But if the monster ate it, wouldn’t that get rid of the cheese problem?”

“ Not at all, the mold would only multiply and spread by spore into other foods throughout the superior realm sucking all the powers and magic from that world, and that would mean no more invisible friends for our world and the source of all mystic powers for our power would also cease. You would be doing exactly what Lord El Stinko wants. That is how the fungus propagates by using the feces of animals to…”

“That’s all right I don’t need to know how the fungus manages to uh, propagate,” I said slowly. “However, I do need to know how I can get into the superior realm, how to get past all of the nasty beasts in our way, and most importantly how to get our cheese into the Curds of Wrath.”

The old woman sighed.” It will not be easy,” She said seriously. “But if you think you must go there alone you are mistaken. I’m coming with you!”

To Be Continued…

The Cottage of Destiny and Chickens Part 17

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 16:46:00 +0000

“In witchcraft,” the old woman explained. “You sacrifice something and convert it into energy, then you either transform that energy into something else, or you can put it into another item. That’s how you get interesting enchanted items, like Excalibur for example.”

“Wow,” I said. “Well if that’s how magic works then how do talents work?”

“Talents as far as I can tell, function through energies inside of the body. While witchcraft uses external energy, Talents seem to only use internal. I think it’s sort of like a reservoir or a dam that slowly fills up over time. Then once you have enough power you can release it all at once to do something incredibly powerful, or you can release it in little bits to do other less potent things…”

“That makes sense.” I sipped the bitter tasting tea that the old woman had made for us from blue rose petals. It was a kind gesture to offer us the hot beverage on this slightly chilly night, but the drink tasted of cottage cheese and smelly feet.

The inside of the hut was very cozy if not odd. All over the room there hung old dried herbs and hot peppers. And there were long purple and red strips of cloth that hung from the ceiling in plush comfortable loops. On the walls were ornate picture frames and, strangely, inside of them were pictures of chickens. In the corner rested an enormous pot and a long rod protruded from it, it was exactly like a giant mortar used for crushing up powders for medicine. And in one corner there was a long desk filled with all sorts of interesting knickknacks. A skull, a bunch of black feathers, various metal rods that I imagined could be wands.

“This place has great chi.” Chris said. “Great for doing a little bit of crystal ball gazing.”

“Fascinating.” The old woman said, as she watched Chris pull the ball from her purse and begin staring into it.

“I’m sorry we never asked you what your name was.” I said.

“Ah,” The old woman said turning back to me stroking her pet mole—not to be confused by the giant mole on her face. “I have many names…”

“Which do you prefer most?” I asked somewhat confused.

“Well most people call me Yaga, I suppose, that seems the most appropriate at this time…” She paused gazing off into the distance as if remembering some long forgotten past before continuing. “If people ask me too many questions I grow weary,” The old woman said yawning. “So let’s make a deal. If you ask a question then I get to ask a question.”

“Alright,” I nodded in agreement.

“Okay then, now it’s my turn to ask a question. Where is that annoying Mr. Thumb now?”

“I didn’t know what she might do to Mr. Thumb if she found out, she looked fairly serious. Fortunately for Mr. Thumb, I didn’t know where Mr. Thumb was.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know exactly where he is, or if he is still in existence,” I said. “I sort of ‘vanished’ him while he was trying to train us with our talents.”

“Yaga’s mouth turned up into a half smile. Well with all good luck he has ceased to exist. But my guess is that he’s still out there, that incessant trouble maker.”

“Why do you want to know where he is?” I asked curiously.

“Mr. Thumb has something that belongs to me,” Yaga replied. “Something that I borrowed to him a very very long time ago. Unfortunately, he has forgotten to return it to me. Forgotten on purpose, if I know that Thumbkin!”

“I see,” I wanted to ask what it was that he took but it wasn’t my turn to ask the next question.

“Why are you two kids traveling about in the woods this late at night and all by yourself?”

It was a good question, one that covered so many topics in one breath. “Well I’m not sure exactly where to start with that question. Chris and I met about a month ago, at a Wendy’s about five or so miles from Liberty. Before that I escaped from my evil aunt and uncle and set out to find my own destiny. On the way though, we ran into Lord El Stinko…”

The old woman’s eyebrows raised in recognition.

I continued. “We accidently discovered that El Stinko has been taking over Wendy’s establishments all over the United States in an attempt to feed everyone a toxic cheese that will take away all powers from those who eat it. This would leave the world horrible dry and depressing.”

“Quesonastifolopugus,” Yaga said, nodding her head slowly. For an old woman who lived out in the middle of the forest she seemed rather well informed. I thought better of telling her that the cheese was actually in our possession, just in case she wasn’t on our side.

“Of course, now that we know about his plot, El Stinko wants to stop us. He hired an assassin named Sir Champagne to take care of us, and he showed up on the day that we vanished Mr. Thumb. That was why we were running through the forest, and why we knocked on your door this night.”

“My cabin,” the woman said. “Turns its back to the forest and toward all those who really need shelter. It really is remarkable that you were able to find my house at all, and indicates that you two have a significant destiny in the future that will change the history of the world forever, for good or bad. A few years ago a certain gnome appeared on my doorstep, as well. A clown really in the form of a gnome who needed my help.”

“El Stinko,” I gasped, remembering what Mr. Thumb had said about Liberty. That it was an enchanted city that attracted all the worst criminals to it eventually. Mr. Thumb using his magic would then transform them into garden gnomes.

“He needed me to transform him back into a human,” Yaga said. “And it’s never easy transforming something back to how it used to be.”

“And you did?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes. I’m afraid I did,” the old woman said grudgingly. “But then again he too was able to find my front door, even though he was in the form of a garden gnome…”

“That means then that his destiny is also very important,” I confirmed.

“Yes,” she agreed. “But I’m afraid for the worse.”

To Be Continued…

How to Use Magic a Scientific Introduction

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 16:34:00 +0000

The concept behind magic is that you take something and transform it into something else, or give that item a property that it didn’t have before. It’s a fine art, many people think that you can solve all of your problems by just using magic, but seasoned witches can tell you that there is a price to pay. In order to get something great and powerful, something great and powerful must be sacrificed. Magic is more or less just taking energy from somewhere and putting it into something else. In the case of transformation you simply use the energy that the item has to change it into another form. However, it must be noted that some energy during all transformations or energy transfers is lost. That is why you can only transform big things into smaller things. If you wanted to create a sword that is great and powerful and you got the energy from a dragon, some of the power from the dragon would be lost in the transfer.

Mr. Thumb transforms criminals into gnomes. Naturally the gnomes are much smaller than their human counterparts. It is important that extreme caution is used while working with magic, for once the spell or incantation is cast, it is usually impossible to change something back to the way it was before. In order to transform a gnome back into a human, one would first need to find someone who had the exact same amount of mass that the gnome had before his or her transformation. Then one would need to somehow calculate the amount of energy lost in the original transfer and then find a second item with exactly the mass equivalent to the energy lost.

Albert Einstein was the first to recognize the principles of magic and studied them. With the help of his Giant Squid friend the two of them calculated the famous equation: E=mc^2.

The equation for calculating the amount of energy lost over a distance is:

-(dE/dx)=4π/mₑc^2 . nz^2/β^2 . (e^2/4πεₒ)^2 . [ln(2mₑc^2β^2/I . (1-β^2))-β^2]

You never knew that magic could be so difficult, did you? A negative transformation is the easiest transformation because you are not concerned with the amount of energy you will lose, in other words you just do it. Most on-the-spot transformations, or emergency spells, are done in the negative form because the witch doesn’t have time to calculate the energy that will be lost. A positive transformation is where the item that is being transformed ends up with equal to, or even more energy by calculating and compensating for the lost energy. All reverse spells are in the positive form. Because it is so difficult to transform something back to exactly how it was before, most magic users must settle for very close approximations of the needed mass. The end result is that minor changes in the item will most likely be noticeable, such as smaller limbs or nose etc…

Some items can be used to minimize energy loss in the first place. Pure gold is an excellent conductor for energy which is why some magic users choose to utilize wands made of gold. Poorer witches may resort to wands of silver, copper, or iron. But the energy loss will be greater in these less conductive metals.

Closer proximity can also reduce energy loss when casting spells because greater energy is lost over greater distances.

Energy expelled in the form of light and heat when mass is accelerated

Magic is a purely mental effort. In the equation E=mc^2, m represents matter while c is equal to the speed of light. In other words in order to transfer matter into E, or energy, one needs to accelerate the matter 34,700,983,524 miles per hour. Though this is physically impossible to accomplish using mechanical means, it is not impossible by using one’s mind. A witch is born with the ability to accelerate matter to this incredible speed in a matter of seconds by only using her mind. However the effort is very draining on the body of the witch. That is why she can’t transform all of her enemies into energy whenever she pleases.

The art of witchcraft is continually progressing and the Secret Society of Sorcery is constantly publishing new discovers and findings in the magical universe. Keep reading to find out more on this scientific art.

The Woman with a Mole Part 16

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:24:00 +0000

“What is it!?” Snapped the old woman. “Have you come to stare at my mole too?!”

Beyond the doorway an old woman was standing before us. It was the most hideous thing that I have ever seen! Upon her face was sitting, or rather, living just above her upper lip a humongous brown, purple, and black mole.

Cupped within the old woman’s hands, however, there was a light brown fuzzy creature about the size of a gerbil. It’s a mole, I realized.

I didn’t know how to respond to the old woman’s question.

“Ah…” Chris seemed to be having an equally difficult time articulating what it was that she wanted to express. Both of our eyes were darting to and from the hideous mole on the woman’s face to the fuzzy creature within her cupped hands. So I did the best thing I could think of when you don’t know what to say: Change the subject.

“Wow, what a lovely night it is tonight,” I said lamely.

The old woman cocked her head in confusion.

“Uuumm yes,” Chris said picking up where I left off. “It is very lovely, but it’s just a bit cold outside, and you see we don’t have any place to stay for the night in this dangerous rabid weasel infested forest. When we saw your cottage we wondered if you could spare us a room until morning.” Chris smiled hopefully.

The old woman glared at us with her beady black eyes suspiciously.

“Where did you two come from?” She asked. “There isn’t another town around here for three days… Unless…” She said musing.

“We came from Liberty,” I responded. “Mr. Thumb was helping us to train with our powers. Perhaps you know him?”

“Mr. Thumb,” The woman said growling slightly. Her eyes narrowing and her teeth were grinding as she hissed his name.

I suddenly had the feeling that it wasn’t a good idea to mention Mr. Thumb’s name in front of the old woman.

“That blundering fool! I bet he wasn’t much help to you considering that the man can only use magic!”

“Magic,” I said in wonder. “But there’s no such thing…”

“Ha! Don’t be so naive child,” The old woman scoffed. “You live in a world in which random people around you are endowed with strange talents, and some are even given invisible friends. Of course there is magic in this world! Mr. Thumb, as if happens, is one of the only males in the world who can use sorcery. That idiot is a part of the Secret Society of Sorcery for crying out loud! But I suppose he forgot. He is rather forgetful sometimes.”

I shook my head feeling more and more as if our time spent with Mr. Thumb had been a complete waste of time.

“Oh, well, dearie. There was no way that you could have known, no need to get down on yourself. Come on in, I suppose, it is cold outside lets have some tea.”

The old woman invited us into her cottage. But after our conversation I had almost completely forgotten that the house indeed had chicken legs beneath it, and that the woman, perhaps, could not be trusted.

Shudder....

Just in case you ever have a mole like that old woman here is a useful link: "Curad MediPlast Corn Callu and Wart Remover (Case of 150)"

To Be Continued…

Adventures of Mr. Thumb: Hotel in Wyoming Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:33:00 +0000

Mr. Thumb: Hello…

Hotel Room Service: Hello sir what can I do for you today?

Mr. Thumb: Wow, it actually worked, you know I’ve always wanted to see if it would actually work.

Room Service: Well it is a telephone, and you did call room service. What can I do for you?

Mr. Thumb: [Scratching/Rustling] *muttering* how does this strange contraption function. It’s just plastic and metal. [Zap] Ouch! Dang it all…. Witchcraft…. Wires… White fire….

Room Service: Uuuuum Sir? Are you still there?

Mr. Thumb: Yes, I’m still here. I was just trying to figure out how this thing which you call a telephone works. I have a cellphone, you know, but it’s smaller and less complicated than this phone. And all of the telephones at my home were the old kind, you know with the giant wheel with numbers around the edge that you have to spin all the way around to dial. Ney, never have I seen a phone such as this. So Beautiful… So many buttons and tiny lights.

Room Service: Well I suppose it works the same ways as your cell phone functions, with electricity.

Mr. Thumb: Electricity huh? Fascinating…

Room Service: I can see if I can find a telephone users guide if you want me to…

Mr. Thumb: Wonderful idea Dee Dee, that would be great.

Room Service: My name isn’t Dee Dee…

Mr. Thumb: Do you know where I’ve been for the last week?! I’ve been stuck up in a tree with nobody to keep me company but squirrels. The whole experience has caused me serious emotional trauma, and for me to reconsider my life. Anyway, the police and fire department finally show up, but by that time I couldn’t even feel my arms. Well let’s just say I’m grateful for the officer who broke my fall… Now I’m making my way back home in a journey that is likely to be epic. I’ve had so many adventures already. I never thought I’d have the opportunity to see a real live bear up close before. He wasn’t too friendly though, he tried to eat my face off I think. And now I’m here! Wherever here is.

Room Service: This is a hotel, in Wyoming.

Mr. Thumb: Oh, go figure.

Room Service: Is this some kind of stupid joke?

Mr. Thumb: I’m afraid I don’t know many jokes. So if this is a joke, it wouldn’t be a very good one I’m sure.

Room Service: Whatever. What can I get you?!

Mr. Thumb: Good Bye Dee Dee, I’m glad we had this conversation. [BEEP]

List of Important Links You May Have Missed

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 17:10:00 +0000

List of Important parts of the Biography you may have missed, some of the articles that I have posted are no longer found on the home page of My Secret Biography Blog. Here is a list of links that will take you to different parts of the story that you may have missed:

Biography of Me!!! Part 1

Where you get to learn about my twisted past and how I was locked under the cupboard for 12 years of my life. I got to write a lot of poetry though...

My Aunt and Uncle Part 2

You really don’t want to read about them do you? they are quite wretched people.

The Escape Part 3

How I escape from the circus. Some people tell me it may have been an insane asylum.

Crazy Monkeys Part 4

Animal cruelty at its finest. Learn how Wendy’s gets its lettuce leaves so perfectly chaotic.

Wicked Wendy Workers Part 5

When Wicked Wendy Workers try to Whack me with a Wat. I mean bat.

The Evil Plot Unveiled Part 6

It’s too horrible to describe!!! Cheese Horrible Cheese! Ahhhh!

Escaping a Cheesy Death and Kumbayah; Part 7

That was a close one. Thank you Gothgora...

Tragedy Strikes; Part 8

This part was really difficult to write. It's too sad to say anymore.

Creepy Garden Gnomes Part 9

This is a scary part. We also find out how Lord El Stinko may have misplaced his nose.

Becoming Padawan Learners Part 10

We find a teacher to help us develop our strange talents or powers.

Padawan Training Begins with Mr. Thumb; Part 11

In which I discover my secondary powers.

The Perfect Assassin Part 12

Lord El Stinko's strangely musical assassin find us!

UFS: ( Unidentified Flying Sausages) Part 13

The assassin gets more than he bargained for from Chris and I.

Attack of the Mounted Gnomes Part 14

The Gnomish Calvary arrives to help us.

A Strange House with Legs Part 15

A new and probably even stranger chapter of the story is about to begin...

Keep Reading to find out what happens this next week.

The Strange House with Legs Part 15

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 21:57:00 +0000

We did the only natural thing; we made like a banana and split. The position of Mr. Thumb’s house had obviously been compromised and so we needed to leave, get out of town, and find a new and better place to hide.

I felt stupid for allowing us to grow so complacent; we should have never stayed for so long in one place. I should have known that Lord El Stinko would send an assassin after us. But it was far too late for that now. Hind sight is 20/20 I suppose, which is exactly what someone would say after they had accentually stuck their hand into the toaster against all other advice. What was done was done though.

We went back into the surrounding forest. We didn’t have to worry much about the weasels since we were running for our lives, and we didn’t have any intensions of stopping until we were out of the forest again. Except, of course, to rest. It turns out that even when one is on an adrenalin rush, one must eventually run out of steam. Which was precisely what happened to us after about three minutes of running though the trees and bushes of the forest.

“What do we do now?” Chris asked between panting breaths.

“I don’t know,” I replied, my chest heaving from exertion. “We’ve got to get someplace safe and then we can figure all of that stuff out.” We didn’t hear anybody coming after us from behind so we decided to slow our pace to a quick walk. If Sir Champagne really wanted to come running after us he could, but he would be out of breath when he finally found us. Then, perhaps, we could bash him on the head with a rock or something, I mused. That, or we could try to force feed him toxic mushrooms from the forest.

“This forest never ends!” Chris groaned in frustration. “I miss Mr. Thumb’s house already.”

But just as she spoke we walked out of the trees and into a little clearing, where there were only short grasses in our path. In the center of the clearing dwelt a little cozy cottage in the moonlight. The lights of the house were not on.

“Maybe someone in there will let us stay for the night,” I suggested.

“Sounds as good as any plan I can think of,” Chris said. “Let’s go.”

We both walked up to the house, but as we approached I couldn’t help but notice that there was something definitely strange about the house. It seemed oddly elevated from the ground. About two or three feet, actually, as if it were floating in the air. But that wasn’t entirely true I noted, because I could see that there were two lumpy supports under the house that held it off of the ground. They were strange… I couldn’t exactly make out what the supports were…

Chris knocked on the door. And a light in the house came on. We heard a voice muttering on the other side of the door, and shuffling on the floor as someone walked slowly toward us from the other side.

I looked over at the strange supports, and that was when I realized what they were. There were talons! As if they were the talons of some giant bird of prey. I then realized, again, that they actually were talons and that they were attached to feet, and the feet to legs. There were two legs!

I couldn’t help but gaping. If they had to belong to any bird, I reasoned, I supposed that they would belong to a chicken. They were curled under the house as if it were warming eggs underneath its wooden frame.

“Look!” I said pointing to the legs underneath the house. But Chris didn’t have time to look because just then the door of the cottage opened. And there in the doorway stood the most hideous sight I had ever seen…

To Be Continued…

Diary of Lord El Stinko: Thoughts on Marriage, ect...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 16:16:00 +0000

Dear Diary:

I have been thinking seriously lately about the existence of men, and I feel convinced that it is pasta that separate men from the beasts.

Today was a rather horrible day, I regrettably report, for today was the day that I finally mustered up the courage to talk to that gorgeous looking lady I see as I take my daily stroll around the block--running helps not only to clear my mind but my intestinal track as well. I came up to her and she looked at me as if she were shocked and flattered that I would pay her any heed, her face was white as snow and her lips a shade of deep red. I asked her who she was, about her family. But of course she never replied. She simply looked at me with her mournful eyes and put one finger up to her lips and then zipped them closed with her delicate gloved fingers. It was at that precise moment and to my eternal shame and embarrassment that I realized that she was actually a mime! Imagine my horror. I’m sorry dear, but an extended relationship in silence could only lead to disaster. And besides, if something ever did come of our relationship, and we were wed. What on earth would our children be?! They would suffer from a horrible identity crisis throughout their lives, and the last thing I would ever want is for my children to have the same issues as I did as a child. But how I long to find my earthly companion. I just know that there is someone out there waiting for me.

My mother was a clown and my father was a plumber/electrician. They married for love, but everything turned septic in the end, as it always seems to do in my family. The result was an identity confused kid, who grew up trying to please both parents equally. It never worked out. The relationship ended in a messy divorced and nine children left in limbo. All in all, though I am pleased with how I turned out. I like what I do. It’s exciting there’s always something new and thrilling to keep you interested. And not to mention distracted from the scathing disappointment of both of your parents.

I recently hired an assassin to take care of those pesky children and regain the cheese for our cause. Sir Champagne is really the best at what he does. If anyone can get that blasted cheese back it would be him. And what a lovely singing voice he has as well. When he gets back I shall have to invite him to join the crew to music night. We could use another male soprano for the choir. I hope he hurries back, without that cheese our plans have really slowed down. We continue, of course, in preparation for the master plan, but without the cheese we really can’t do anything. The men had been getting a little down on themselves, so that's why I decided to work on other less difficult schemes. (For example, the Global Warming Plan.)

In a more positive light the Global Warming Plan has really been an easy success. It’s brilliant really, we just tell everyone who we meet, and put in all of the newspapers, that the world is going to overheat and everyone will die. Naturally you set yourself up as an organization to stop Global Warming and then everyone gives you obscene amounts of cash, and then you use that cash to do whatever you want! It’s really quite brilliant; people will believe anything they see written in the papers. With our bank accounts refueled and our spirits high we look forward, and optimistically toward the future.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III

More News of El Stinko's Diary

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 05:27:00 +0000

Law enforcement official have released even more juicy details to the public concerning the infamous Lord El Stinko. And in an effort to draw him out of hiding, perhaps through embarrassment, the NYC police department has agreed to release more sensitive entries of Lord El Stinko's diary to the public! Keep reading to stay informed on the latest developments!

Tomorrow 2/9/2012

To see the last diary entry from Lord El Stinko Follow this link.

The History of Invisible Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Few people know that many famous and influential people throughout history have had invisible friends that first helped them through their childhood and helped them begin on their paths to greatness. Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Albert Einstein are just a few of many examples. There are or course as well, Alexander the Great, Charlemagne, King David, Cleopatra and many more throughout ancient history who were born with the gift of Invisible Friends.

Invisible friends come in many shapes and sizes. They are usually larger than a normal human being. They offer sage advice when needed; they can rescue you from your evil Aunt and Uncle from under the stairs as well. And always they are endowed with supernatural abilities such as, but not limited to, shooting laser beams out of their eyes, super strength, the ability to fly, etc...

It is said that the first invisible friends were granted to human beings after the great floods. They are all brought into existence at the exact same time as their human charge, and usually must find their appointed human over a period of time. All Invisible friends spontaneously generate from the natural elements. Creatures that resemble giants or golems are born from the element of earth, creatures that resemble dragons or salamanders are born from the element fire, creatures that resemble whales or giant squids are born from the element water, and birds from the element of air.

Philosophers have studied invisible friends for centuries and have categorized all of them into one of the four elements; however, some philosophers speculate the existence of as many as six categories, the other two elements being ether and shadow. It is rumored that Lord El Stinko himself had an invisible friend born from the element ether that was in the form of a giant mushroom. Ether is usually an element devoted to the abnormal or insane personalities.

Invisible creatures are a mirrored image of the personality of their charge, likewise the element that resembles their human the most. A person, who is strong willed, for example, will most likely be born with an Invisible Friend from the element earth, the element of strength.

Winston Church hill was born with a Golem Friend. Abraham Lincoln was born with a Giant Skybird Friend, air being the element of wit and humor. George Washington was born with a Dragon Friend, fire is the element of determination and passion. Einstein was born with a Giant Squid Friend, water is the element of Intelligence and Wisdom. Shadow another rare element is the element of pure wickedness and evil.

Some might be considering the logic of having for example a friend from the water. One might expect that if this were the case that person would have to be near the water to be able to communicate with their Invisible Friend; however, this is not the case. As with many things concerning Invisible Friends, they are not bound with the constraints of natural law. They are beings of pure spiritual energy, and therefore a Giant Squid or Whale Friend can easily swim through the air to be able to accompany their human charges wherever they may go.

Image of Old Norse "Life Tree" Which is also the Superior Realm

When Invisible Friends die, they return back to the element from which they came, the spiritual energy though goes elsewhere. It is unclear exactly where it goes, but ancient Chinese scrolls suggest that it is a higher realm that is neither found upon earth nor in the heavens. The Chinese call it the Superior Realm and Einstein called it an alternate dimension. It is a place that is not definable by natural law, so therefore it cannot be measured or numbered. Leading Philosophers on the matter continue to explore this strange alternate dimension. Until then the world can only wonder…

Attack of the Mounted Gnomes Part 14

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:33:00 +0000

Suddenly all of the bombs that Mr. Thumb had been storing up in his basement, in preparation for World War 3, decided to spontaneously combust. Everyone who was in the house died.

The End

That’s what it would look like if everyone died in a horribly unimaginative and boring way…

Now this is how everything really happened: (Just making sure you were paying attention.)

Sir Champagne's voice was quavering and disgustingly high pitched for a man’s voice, and it was very much like Sara Brightman’s voice but coming out of a man’s body. The resulting undulating tones were absolutely nauseating to hear. I lost all concentration completely, and the gun on the ground ceased to quiver.

Sir Champagne Noticed and smiled evilly, but he still continued to sing. The smile seemed to convey everything that he wanted to say. It said to me: As long as I am singing neither of you will be able to use your powers. I instinctively sensed that fact as well, and I knew that even if I closed my eyes and we tried to escape through the door with invisibility—with the wicked looking handgun still in the assassins hands—we would be very much un-invisible. Oh, and we would die.

The assassin taking advantage of our decapitated state stepped forward and grabbed Chris by her forearm and put the gun to her temple.

“Where is the cheese!” He sang in his awfully high opera. “Tell me or the girl will get her brains blown out all over the floor!”

I couldn’t say anything I was still so stupefied by his horrible singing voice.

Just then the reinforcement arrived. It was that gnomish cavalry! I could hear them coming before I saw them. They burst into the dining hall carrying tiny trumpets to their lips. The gnome with the chainsaw was in the front of the small cavalry. They were ridding atop grotesquely large sewer rats, which were scuttling across the floor ferociously toward the assassin.

By the time Sir Champagne noticed the gnomes were already upon him.

The Rats leaped off the floor and began climbing up Sir Champagne pants. The gnomes began prodding his bottom with spears and beating his kneecaps with tiny clubs.

The assassin screamed like a little girl for the second time that evening. Boy, I thought. For an assassin he sure is girly.

I grabbed Chrysanthemum’s arm and we fled out of the kitchen. Ironically I noticed that Chris still had her purple purse around her left shoulder where the cheese had been safely stowed away the entire time.

While the assassin was busy fighting off the rats and gnomes we ran out of the dining hall and out the front door.

To Be Continued…