Widely circulated in Facebook before the official announcement, the new scheme mainly took brickbats from the general online masses who were opposed to being sucked dry by the government every month. Powerpoint slides obtained from certain government hospitals detailing the scheme were met with insulting remarks, especially towards the elementary level of skills used to create said slides.

Haha, You Lose

Some comments were constructive though, especially those from leading ethnic-based political parties such as the Machais and also the Monkeys In Confusion. These supporters claimed that the scheme will be very beneficial while quoting irrelevant ponzi scheme examples as yardsticks. The support exists despite them not knowing a single thing about public healthcare other than the fact that hospital food tastes very bad.

Government spokesman, Datuk Dewata Raya Maha Kismis Pejuang Viagra Seri Chan Mali Chan said that this scheme is good and beneficial to the people of Bolehland. He then stared at the mic thrust to his face for a good 50 seconds before continuing “Yes. It’s very beneficial. Thank you.” We at Seed Stories still do not have the slightest fucking idea what the hell will the scheme do.

Early conspiracy theories suggest that the Bolehland government will implement the scheme hurriedly to milk more money from the masses to fund the coming elections and karaoke parties. Rumours suggest that after possibly winning the government back, the PM will make a U-turn and abolish the scheme “after giving it some thought about the welfare of the people” [sic]. The grapevine also suggests that Hollywood screenwriters are preparing a passable script to be fed to the hordes of mindless Bolehlanders, notwithstanding the PM affliction with Idiocitis reported earlier.

Fliers and leaflets were distributed to inform the public on the benefits of Haha, You Lose. The biggest plus point of this new scheme is that you cannot choose your attending health practitioner. This bodes well to fans of Russian Roulette as you may never know whether are you assigned a quality doctor or someone who is just there because his uncle knows somebody who knows somebody’s barber. Another widely touted benefit is that you will part with 10% of your basic salary for the funding of the scheme and automatically have your name inserted into the annual lucky draw pool. Prizes include a free appendectomy, hip replacement surgeries and one year’s supply of MC’s for you to skip work.

No. Not this doctor.

Stay tuned for more pieces of shit news from the government soon.

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The statement was issued by a few men and women claiming to be from the Bolehland Ministry of Health wearing lab coats. Members of the press present during the press conference were thoroughly convinced of their credibility when the post-tea break press conference had a tea break halfway through the presentation of their findings.

A credible expert with a lab coat

According to the double-spaced 57-page report, Mr Potatohead had been showing several signs associated with Idiocitis for the past few years. The experts have reason to believe that the PM himself has no knowledge of his condition, due to the fact that one major symptom of Idiocitis is that the victim is oblivious to everything that happens around him, much less the nation itself.

“You can see that the disease has started to eat him completely. The nation is suffering from many crippling issues yet Mr Potatohead publicly announces that the country is booming and soaring to great heights. He also trumpets his achievement of giving out plenty of monetary goodies to the people without understanding that the amount would probably be only enough to buy a month’s supply of tuna and toilet fragrances for a family of 4”, said an expert that had thick-rimmed glasses that made him look important.

Sources have also confirmed that the Prime Minister has no frickin’ idea about the effects of statements that he makes on public events and how he expects himself to be seen as a PM for all citizens of Bolehland after uttering them. Examples include endorsing a bunch of old farts waving a traditional dagger to be the 37^th line of defense for Bolehland when a group of protesters were mobilizing to march on the streets of Bolehland’s capital demanding for common sense in the nation’s electoral process. Another example has him completely mum on the actions of certain right-wing groups demanding the continuation of a 300-year-old policy that allows members of a certain race to sit in the board of a company without doing anything while enjoying 30% of the profits and also obtain a 7% discount on housing prices.

Random big house picture that is entitled for 7% discount. Random.

Despite claims from his cabinet members that the Mr Pinklips Potatohead has gone off to diplomatic meetings around the world, the guys in the lab coat claim the opposite: that the PM is being secretly brought to see health specialists around the world in hopes of being cured of his condition and resume a normal life.

“The man has Idiocitis. He would have no frickin’ idea whether he’s meeting the President of the United States or the President of Ramly Burger.”

When approached, his deputy, Mr Moo Moo had declined to comment on the condition of his boss, but then went on a 25-minute monologue on him being a dickwad first, a Bolehlander second. Unfortunately our on-site journalist died of multiple continuous yawning during the monologue, so we are unable to provide our readers with the full text.

We at My Seed Stories wish the PM of Bolehland a speedy recovery (if a cure exists).

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1. Change Your Lifestyle – Being Screwed In Bolehland

So what exactly did our famous Malaysians say when asked to comment on the cow and condo issue?

Tun Madey – How do you expect Malays to hold on to power if every single person talks about cows?

Jibby – This is in line with the government’s effort to provide more freedom to the people and cows of Malaysia.

Tsu Koon - My thoughts are the same with the PM, as always. But more importantly, I’m pulling out of the next election. It’s a big sacrifice on my part.

Mooyiddin – Why are you asking me? You should be asking the cowherd.

Rid T – As Malays, we eat lots of beef. Thus it is simple logic that the cows be allowed to do what they want.

Ibbit Ali – This… thisss… this is not a cow nor a condo issue! You Indians don’t eat beef so you are trying to play this up! And it is all because of that Ambiga woman!  Don’t think we can’t see through your lies. We will defend this country before we lose all political power!

CSL – Yes, it was me in that condo. That cow was a very dear personal friend of mine. No more questions.

Saifool – The condo was at a secret location. I went there, and the cow put its penis inside my anus.

Nazri – There is no evidence linking the cows and Saifool.

yoRais - This is the best cow business I have ever chanced upon, since I became a minister. The best ever.

Pak Lah – The minister and her husband are more than capable of handl…… ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anwar – This is a deliberate attempt made in bad faith, to swindle the monies of the Malaysian people.

Kinabatangan Bigfoot – The minister should resign. And handover the condo as dowry for my wedding.

Khairy – Well, it’s like this. It’s made to look like an escrow account but it’s not. It belongs to the class of “principle-accounts” held under the cow farm bearing interests to the board but not the shareholder, who actually gain an empirical profit from the investment in real-estate based on the mutually exclusive dividends paid out by the buyers of the meat in return for a high quality product. Any schoolkid can understand this simple explanation.

Ali Ketam – We’re drawing up laws against homosexual cows. Just in case.

MACC – The cows will be called up for questioning at the 15th floor of the condominium complex tomorrow. No further comments.

JAKIM – There’s pig DNA in the cows.

Ambiga – Cows can have condos but  regular Malaysians are suffering in the street. If cows can have civil liberties, why can’t we Malaysian citizens have them?!

Guan Eng – Penang has already achieved the national target of producing premium beef at half the cost and manpower. And we have free WiFi at our abattoirs.

Bik Mama – The feedlot didn’t achieve it’s target because it didn’t use green technology. But we have been able to make quality handbags from cow foreskins.

Keng Liang – I thank the PM for his hard work in ensuring that the 1Malaysia citizens are provided with high quality 1Malaysia beef from the 1Malaysia cows. Truly a PM for everyone. 1Malaysia.

Namewee – Cheebai lanjiao cows! Lu ingat senang ah mau bikin feedlot lepas itu kasi buang duit dalam longkang? Pukimak lu lah!

How about those people who are a bit more… well… closer to the ground?

@syahredzan – Lembu? Siapa? Siapa? Siapa kau panggil lembu?

@myy085 – Hatta apa sekalipun yang diperkatakan, daging lembu di Miri yang paling best sekali.

@superredpatek – I promise to give you premium cuts of beef if you vote for me to be the TJ Youth Chief.

@youtiup – Cina mau makan lembu harini.

@aidasue – Hi uols! Jangan lupa, #twtupLembu Ahad ini!

@kennleandre – Stupid cows. #Ha.

@shakirameer – We mamaks make a lot of money with selling nasi kandar, man. I’m don’t give a fuck about where does the beef come from.

@tashny – Fuck. Staying up late night to do this article on cows. Cibai la!

@spinzer – All right guys! Crowdsource RM3000 (using small donations of RM5 – RM10) to buy a cow for my 27th birthday!

@anthraxxxx – Fucking cows and condos! Whose fucking money these fuckers think they’re spending? Cibai lah. Just like the Melaka MRT.

@patrickteoh – Niamah. I also wanna farm cows.

@limmengkeong – Gua hari ini tak nak cakap pasal lembu pasal sudah lama isu ini didebatkan. Hari ini, gua nak cakap pasal laksa Penang.

@pualdidan – Melayu International tak makan daging lembu Malaysia.

@obefiend – Meleis complainng aboit peoplw complaining abput feedlot. Bangang kau pun bayar tax jugak kan? Fucjing ignorant asshols.

@bongkersz – HUUUUAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! What fucking cows? pffffft!

@kavilan – Bored. MIC cows quiet on timeline.

This post was written in collaboration with @bongkersz. Inspiration was from his article titled Malaysian politicians & famous people on #themissingrmafengine

If you have any suggestions for future topics, please put them in the comments section below.

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In a public statement, the Rainbow Coalition has deemed this act to be severely prejudiced, saying that it has nothing to do with the rally in downtown KL on July 9th and has always been non-partisan. They also added that in light of the current statement by Yorais, they are heavily considering to lend their support to that coalition that aims for clean something something something.

Seditious

“Continous discrimination towards anything yellow in colour will only create more sympathisers to the cause“, quipped Violet, President of the Rainbow Coalition. “Yellow is one of the most esteemed member of our coalition, and we will not cast him out“.

Last week, the yellow Teletubby, Laa-Laa, was arrested in the most unceremonious fashion. Amateur videos have implicated law enforcement officers smashing the television screen on Laa-Laa’s belly and screaming obscenities such as “Balik Tubby-land laaaa! Pengkhianat!“. Laa-Laa is currently held under the Emergency Ordinance although under what pretense, it is still unclear. Other teletubbies, Dipsy,Po and Tinky Winky have condemned the act and promised to hold a candlelight vigil every night until Laa-Laa is released. The vigil has entered its 6th day now.

Pictured: The end of Malaysia

Meanwhile, the Sinestro Corps, which went underground earlier this month, anticipating crackdown by the officials, have released a video from a cave. Al-Jareeza Engrish picked up the video, which was broadcast last night. It’s leader, Thaal Sinestro, issued a statement – YAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH!!!!!. Nothing more is known other than the fact that the fear of yellow has fed the Sinestro Corps with more power and they will be poised to take over Bolehland soon, with the exception of The Juice stepping in to finish the job themselves.

Yellow never looked more powerful. Or butt-ugly,

The local daily, Utusan Meloya, claims that they know everything about this, though. Meanwhile their editor, Bawang Selamat, is still looking for answers for yesterday’s crossword puzzle. Reports leaked out that he is unable to solve the clue “Xanthophobia is the fear of the colour ________”.

- Bulshittin’ Utama (part of Berita Tipu Networks Inc)

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It is a new Malaysia, one that has showed us the true spirit a unity and also unmasked the ugly side of certain assholes hell-bent on making life hard for the public. One could only imagine the source of anti-socialism for the latter category mentioned; father didn’t hug them much, father hugged them too much, God knows what…

Ladies and gentlemen,

I’m sure you already know all the colourful characters that were involved during the build-up to to event that unfolded with a deafening crescendo. But who takes home the top prizes for their respective categories? Don’t worry as I have painstakingly done all the necessary vote rigging to ensure that your favourite person walks home with the award while I pocket some contracts to make a nationwide murukku franchise.

Before we move on to the awards, here’s a few messages from our sponsors.

This event is brought to you by APCO... errrrr I mean, ONE MALAYSIA

Many poor Malaysians still can't afford proper clothing. Please donate to Tabung 1Malaysia.

Hello there! We’re back for the awards and what a great night it’s gonna be! I don’t have many categories to give away and the government ain’t too keen on high standards once they’ve given their contracts out so here’s my wishy-washy awards!

Seed Stories’ Madey Flip-Flop Award

And the winner is…… **drumroll** Jibby!

Come on now! Who else was gonna win this award? I mean, first he said I don’t know her, then I saw her once, then he went back to I don’t know her…. Oh sorry off topic. First he said you can’t walk… then he said I’ll give you a big stadium to shout in, then he said I dunno what’s a stadium please ask my boys sorry gotta go pack I wanna meet Big Ben tataaaa ohai Benedict!

That was a great escape that no one else had ever done in Malaysian politics. Even the senile old man, whom this award was named after, can’t beat this flip-flop with his omaigoat ayam gonna retire boo hoo hoo boo hoo oh wait i’m okay now i won’t retire come let’s go get some contracts…

Seed Stories’ Obefiend Trolling Award

We saw plenty of trolling leading up to the days before Bersih happened. Many candidates put their name forward with mindfuckingly weird actions focused on the single aim of riling another party up and driving them up an imaginary wall lined with elephant snot.

And the award goes to… … .. Dang Wangi police station!!!!!!!

Come collect your permit. Yes yes yes, come come.  - Ok we’re on the way. – LOLJK! Nah this is just a letter denying you permit. You just got PUNKD yo!

Do I need to explain further?

Seed Stories’ J. Bruce Ismay Cowardice Award

Mr Ismay oversaw the construction of the Titanic and famously abandoned ship as soon as it started sinking, unlike the Captain who went down with the ship (according to majority of reports). We have a clear winner in this category and it is none other than….

Katak Ali!

Katak Ali, during a press conference. Please note that the camera adds 10 pounds.

If anyone cared to look back at the weeks leading to Bersih 2.0, Katak Ali was a loudmouth, spewing nonsense and hatred to anyone who would give him a mic to speak at. He promised a confrontation, and even appointed himself as a War General, despite the public already knowing that the only battle he ever participated in was one with a chocolate bar that he could not remove from the wrapping.

Chocolate wrapper in shameful defeat

What happened when the big day came? Katak Ali disappeared from the radar for more than 24 hours before making an appearence AFTER the event in a government media barking and hollering as usual. He publicly stated that he will be ducking behind his wife’s skirt/sarong but famously ordered his men to take a stroll at a location miles away from the original point of rendezvous thus proving that a dung beetle has bigger balls than him.

Seed Stories’ Crazy Hobo Conspiracy Theory Award

Many conspiracy theories surfaced last few weeks and it has been terribly hard to make a decision pertaining to this. The voting was lopsided very much like our Election Commission and even that produced a very close result. Recount was done within closed doors and it was a tough decision because either side offered a lot of kickbacks to me. Finally, I decided the winner to be… …

KERISMUDDIN!

Able to talk gibberish faster that a speeding bullet.

 (Photo from Mob’s Crib)

Yes folks, Kerismuddin famously said that communists are trying to usurp power and topple the government based on the fact that he saw 6 SOCIALISTS in possession of CHE GUEVARA tees along with yellow tees that were probably championing cleanliness. Shit, this ass is loonier than Mel Gibson (movie and real-life versions combined).

Coming in at a close second is the boys in blue finding (alleged) evidence of terrorism with neatly packed yellow tees and molotov cocktails. Wouldn’t take a genius to point out that those “molotovs” won’t amount to shit coz they’re in freakin’ PLASTIC bottles. Either they think we’re idiots or they’ve collectively at lead pellets while they were kids.

Seed Stories’ Richard Nixon Fib Award

You know, politicians lie. It just depends on how smart the lie is. If you’re wondering why this award was named after that bulldog Nixon, imagine this: the idiot got caught lying. So, without further ado, I bring to you, the winner for this magnificent award,

Oh my God it’s a double-winner! Give it up for Dr Chua and Mr Liow!

Pictured: Dr Chua's dinner

Yes folks, what an awesome fib it was! First the hospital said yes we coughed and itched, then the duo said, “Noooo the wind made you cough and itch!”, then the hospital said none of us coughed and itched, then one idiot said something random and another idiot said photos and videos cannot be brought into the discussion, then suddenly the doctors came out and said, Oi fuckers! We all coughed and itched la! And YOU made us cough and itch! We saw you do it!

KAPOOOWWWW!!! Duo left red-faced. Awaiting moronic reply. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, …….

Pictured: Your credibility being hosed down by water cannon

So there you have it folks! We’re done with today’s awards! Tune in next year or some other time some fucked up shit happens and kids, don’t forget – All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to something something something I don’t know… Here’s another message from our sponsors:

I just needed an excuse to put a picture of a hot girl here.

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It was Friday, 8^th of July. Packing lightly, my friend dropped me off at work. I was nervous and excited the whole day as Twitter was buzzing with the main topic being the proposed Bersih 2.0 Rally on the next day. When my working hours were over, I walked from my office to the Bukit Jalil LRT station and headed towards the Bandaraya LRT station.

The air was calm, almost too calm. My fellow passengers sat down and looked at each other and smiled. I didn’t know who was for Bersih, and who wasn’t. Upon reaching my destination, I checked into my hotel along with Padma, Jo Ling and a bunch of other activists. This hotel was very near to Sogo. Raaja joined me in my room sometime later at night and we prepared ourselves with talks on how to handle possible agent provocateurs in the rally and making jokes about certain pea-brained politicians to ease the growing sense of worry. Truth be told, we were all scared and do not know what’s going to happen on Saturday. Tweets were already circulating on how the police were raiding hotel rooms looking for Bersih supporters.

9^th July 2011. We woke up early to have breakfast and we ate while whispering to each other the plans of the day. Some people who newly followed me on Twitter asked me where I was and what was my plan – I couldn’t breathe a word of it because you’d never know who’s that person really – it could be those freakin’ cybertroopers or worse, Special Branch moles. I kept with neutral answers and by then it was 10am and time to move out.

We came out the hotels in parties of two and naturally, Raaja was with me. We headed out of the hotel and walked around a bit, to survey the situation. Police has started cordoning off the streets and instructing the public to move away from their barricades.

And herein comes the most comical moment of the whole episode. Knowing that we stuck out like sore thumbs in an area filled with Arabian and Indian nationals, we headed into Haniffa Textiles and into the saree department. We each bought a saree (even though I am single and available) from the clearance bin and walked out of the building. Our plan was to tell the cops (if they stopped us) that we’re here in KL shopping for a wedding and the saree was proof. **facepalm of the highest order**

Thank you, Mr. Haniffa!

We followed an Indian family (they looked like tourists) until we were behind Sogo, and then we managed to get to the Bandaraya LRT Station. We boarded the train and got down at Plaza Rakyat then proceeded to walk towards Central Market. It was there when I planked on the sidewalk (coz I promised Bong and Bumi that I’d do it).

Taxpayers' money! YEAHHH!!!

Planking - Indian style (Hands out in front)

Just before we reached Central Market, I called Adzliyana (Yan) and found out that a bigger group was having drinks at the Cafe Petaling in Swiss Hotel. So Raaja and I backtracked and Yan was there to wave at me excitedly. I just burst into a big smile as I saw Yvonne, Aiyook, Zul, Fathi, Ahmad, Patrick Loh,  Naim, and Raja there. I also met a bunch of new friends there (I’m sorry I couldn’t remember your names here, peeps).

I had a drink and spent some time exchanging racial stereotype jokes with the boys (as usual) and we laughed around, trying to mask our shaky knees as knew the hour of reckoning is close at hand. We then started moving along Petaling Street till we reached the crossroads of Jalan Sultan and Jalan Petaling. That’s when we saw a group of lawyers in suits walking and we followed behind them, straight along Jalan Petaling.

We reached the junction to enter Jalan Stadium and were greeted by a police blockade, complete with barbed wire. The lawyers began to engage the police while Yan, Fathi, Ahmad, Naim and I planked (in defiance of the cops) while Yvonne took a picture (at the time of writing, it got more than 7000 views).

Mass Planking

Yan then suggested we move towards Kg Atap and so we did. We sneaked into a stall to have some drinks and plan our next move once we saw a Federal Reserve Unit (FRU) truck parked there. That’s when Puvanan joined us. After refreshing ourselves, we moved back to the barricade at Jalan Stadium and stood with the crowd contemplating our next move. We then decided to move back to Jalan Petaling when we spotted a huge crowd there.

Twitter updates informed us that Cental Market was under siege by the cops and this only made our resolve stronger. We converged with the crowd and moved into Jalan Sultan towards Jalan Pudu where the Maybank building stood. Out of nowhere, people began joining us from alleyways and before we knew it, we were inside a large crowd moving towards the Maybank building. Zul unfurled his Sarawak flag and we marched on as the crowd cheered “BERSIH! BERSIH!”. The atmosphere was electric, to say the least.

It was then when I got my first taste of the tear gas. Loud bangs were heard and I saw the canisters fall into the crowd about 100 metres away. That was enough to bring a sting to my eyes but I managed to brush off the effects with a bit of water. The crowd didn’t let up, though.  We pushed on into Jalan Pudu and spirits were still high. I got separated from everyone but I managed to rejoin Puvanan and Raaja.

It was then when another barrage of tear gas was fired into the crowd but I was too far behind to feel the effects. Shout of BERSIH, Reformasi, Bersihkan Pilihanraya were going on non-stop. The tear gas made the crowd disperse for about 5 minutes before they converged back and continued chanting. I was feverishly tweeting the updates and sending a couple of snapshots to share.

Can you give me directions to Merdeka Stadium please?

Then we sang Negaraku and my heart was beating fast. No because of the fear, but because of the camaraderie. The marshals were  there managing the crowd and we were in high spirits. When I turned around, Aiyook was standing right beside me and I hadn’t noticed! We started cheering and the crowd was relentless as well. Then it started drizzling and that’s when we thought, THANK GOD! Now the tear gas wouldn’t have any effect!

The rain then slowly started to become heavier and from nowhere,  Padma and Jo Ling were there! We hugged and congratulated each other and started to move deeper into Jalan Pudu, towards Berjaya Times Square. Then I heard the crowd cheering and I turned around to see my friend Vickna pushing a wheelchair. And in that wheelchair, sat none other than Irene Fernandez! With permission, I took her picture and tweeted it. Looking at her, there on a wheelchair, braving the weather and the tear gas with fellow Malaysians, gave me a huge boost and lifted my spirits sky high.

Shades. Never out of style.

Then the rain fell hard, and I had to store my phone away in a plastic case. At that time, I was near the Tung Shin Hospital carpark building. Quite timely, as it was then when another barrage of tear gas and chemical water spray fell. This time the gas hit me hard. Smoke all around me, and a brush of chemical water on my back. My eyes were almost blind from the tears and I couldn’t breathe in or out. My lungs had spasms and I was coughing uncontrollably. I lost my friends and I was running aimlessly.

It was then when I reached a pillar some distance away and leaned onto it, all the while coughing and gagging. Someone shoved a bottle of 100Plus mixed with salt into my hand and shouted “MINUM! MINUM! Kasi pass around!!!” (Drink it! And pass it around!)

I took three gulps of it and my energy returned. I could breathe and the rain helped wash off the sting. A good Samaritan was holding out a bag of salt and shouted “GARAAAAMMMM!!!! GARAAAAAMMMMM!!!”. I walked up to him and grabbed a pinch of salt to eat. Just as he appeared, he vanished into the disoriented crowd, helping others in need.

By the time I found Puvanan and Raaja, they were safe. Puvanan and I put our phones in plastic and into Raaja’s bag. It was right after that when another round of tear gas was fired and the crowd panicked. I ran with Puvanan and Raaja got split up from the group. We saw the police spraying chemical water into the car park building.

Then the rain stopped. The crowd was segregated. A old man, dressed in plain white tee and slacks and a white skullcap looked at me and said, “Kita ni bukan orang Malaysia ke? Salah ke kita tuntut pilihanraya bebas?” (Aren’t we all Malaysians? Is it wrong for us to demand free elections?)

By then Puvanan and I took some time to catch our breath at the Chinese Maternity Hospital carpark. There, we met YB Ravi (ADUN Port Dickson) and YB Sivakumar (ex Perak State Assembly Speaker). The situation appeared calm so Puvanan and I went back to the roads where YB Sivarasa Rasiah was engaging the police. Once done, he came to us and addressed up on the update.

It seemed that the police had relented and allowed us to march, on the condition that it is done peacefully and only on one side of the road. We were all squatting there, listening to him while the members of Unit Amal PAS were all around passing the info and keeping order. There, Puvanan and I met Durai and Danny and we were elated.

Our Muslim brethren performing their solat outside a church. (Photo by Danny Kumar)

The sun began to shine brightly. The crowd began to gather back. Danny read out a report from Malaysiakini saying that we’d be allowed to march. Three guys behind us, dressed in long sleeve shirts, black slacks and leather shoes, were too reading out some positive news. We were jubilant. That’s when the most horrifying scene struck.

The police shot tear gas at the gathered crowd. Puvanan, Danny, Durai and I, along with countless other, ran helter-skelter. It was all so sudden. We felt cheated. They fired WITHOUT warning. They made us gather and they screwed us big time. Expletives were heard. I cussed as I ran towards the Chinese Maternity Hospital car park. I managed to see the police chase the front-liners and beat them before arresting them.

It was there that I saw probably the most epic act at the rally. As I was running past the gates of the hospital, I saw two tear gas canisters hurtling towards me from the skies. By the time they landed, I was already some distance away. Out of nowhere, this brave guy ran towards it with a yellow cloth. While running, he bent down and wet the cloth in a puddle of water, then proceeded to wrap the canister with the cloth and diffuse it. Another guy did the same thing with another canister and threw it down the drain. It was freakin’ awesome!!!

I kept on running towards the car park. The other 3 who were with me were already ahead. I struggled to get to the end. There was a small hill there and my fellow rally goers were clamouring up the hill for safety. I was too.

See that look on my face at the bottom left? It means "What the fuck have I gotten myself into?" (Photo by Danny Kumar)

The hill was slippery and muddy. Danny and Durai were already ahead due to their slim physiques and Puvanan followed behind me. We grabbed whatever we could to hold on. Women, men, young and old were all there. We climbed slowly. At one point, I reached out to grab a shrub and was greeted by a cactus plant. Yes folks, my palm was pricked by dozens of sharp needles. That was the adrenaline rush I needed to boost my climbing speed.

I slipped twice. Puvanan managed to get ahead of me and lend me a hand. And other hands reached out to pull me and push me. I dragged myself up to find Danny and Durai at the top, helping the other climbers up. I was panting and out of breath when I reached the top, and surprise surprise, Yan was right in front of me. Thank God she escaped as well.

I leaned on a lamp post and waited for Danny and Durai to finish helping the other climbers. It took some time for the adrenaline to wear down and for me to catch my breath. People already started to move ahead. Yan called to me, asking me to come but I said I’ll wait and I needed a rest. Danny, Durai and Puvanan joined soon after and we started walking along Persiaran Raja Chulan.

While walking, an middle-aged woman looked at me and asked “Kita ni kat Malaysia ke, negara lain hah?” (Are we at Malaysia or some other country?). I could not hide my disappointment and said “Saya tak tahu lah, Kak. Saya tak faham dengan ni semua…” (I don’t know, sister. I do not understand all this…)

We reached a T-junction and turned right into Jalan Raja Chulan and decided to head to KLCC. We made a pit-stop at a Shell Petrol Station along the way and I recharged myself with a Red Bull. Our shoes and socks were all soggy and I developed a slight limp due to blisters in both my feet. Durai asked us not to sit too long and we continued walking. Along with us were other rally-goers as well.

Halfway there, I met Steven Ng. After exchanging pleasantries  and telling him that I’m headed to KLCC, we parted ways. We pressed on and reached Suria KLCC via Jalan P.Ramlee. We called Raaja and he said he was pushed back from KLCC to Ampang Park by the FRU. Fearing that there was nothing more we could do, we sat at the bus stand opposite Suria KLCC.

A few FRU trucks raced pass us, then made a U-Turn and parked at the road opposite us. Then, a vehicle I had never seen before appeared. A large blue trailer bore down the road, bearing the letters PDRM (Polis Di-Raja Malaysia). On the back, emblazoned in red, was AWAS: KUDA (BEWARE: HORSES).

The back of the trailer opened and about 7 horses were brought down. FRU members got on the horses, and lined them up for a inspection. An officer brought long beating sticks and handed one each to the riders. I immediately feared that there were going to be used to chase down the protesters and beat them. The horses took off, and I do not know what transpired next.

Who's in charge of the horse droppings? (Photo by Danny Kumar)

I don't wanna know what they'll do with those sticks (Photo by Danny Kumar)

Since there was nothing else to do, we decided to go back home. Raaja had already managed to get into an LRT and was headed to Puvanan’s home. We walked to the Raja Chulan Monorail Station since the KLCC LRT Station was closed off. We headed back to KL Sentral and while walking outside the enclosed area where buses used to wait, we smelled the unmistakable smell of tear gas. The residue was enough to make our throats feel irritated. We then parted company with Danny and Durai at KL Sentral while Puvanan and I took the LRT back to his apartment. We met up with Raaja and he returned my phone safe and sound.

Puvanan then sent me to another station where my housemate picked me up. Upon stopping the car, he rolled down the window and shouted “SALUUUUTTTTEEE MACHAAAAAAAAAAA!”. I just smiled.

I went to out to dinner at 10pm with friends and Karthi was there as well. We both exchanged “war stories” with them and they listened intently. It was a proud moment. They could not come due to various reasons, but I know their hearts and spirit were with us, the yellow fellows, from Day One.

My friends called me up to say that they were proud of me. I was proud of myself. Whatever happens from here on in, I am proud to say that I played a small part in wanting to bring a change to my beloved country, Malaysia.

The humanity involved lifted me. There is still hope for Malaysia. We are able to look beyond race, age, gender and skin colour. We are able to help someone in need. We are able to be tolerant. We are not as divided as THEY want us to be. I saw the good in people today. I saw us being UNITED to the cause, and I saw us wanting change. It was to safeguard our future, and for our children. We shall prevail.

Malaysian first, Malaysian second, Malaysian always.

================================

My thanks goes out to the thousands who attended this rally, and the ones who weren’t here in person but in spirit, wishing us well. Thank you to Unit Amal Pas for coordinating and lending a helping hand whenever one needed it. Thank you to the guy who gave me salt and that bottle of 100Plus. Thanks to the people who lifted me up when I slipped at the hill. Thanks to the Bar Council members who represented all the arrested protesters. Thanks to the admin of the @Bersih2 handle for propagating news for all of us.

Lawyers in style. When I grow up, I wanna dress like that.

Keep looking, people. We're bound to find the PM somewhere (Photo by Danny Kumar)

... and they said shops will lose business coz of the rally. (Photo by Danny Kumar)

You know you don't mess with a man wearing a headdress. (Photo by Danny Kumar)

YOU... SHALL... NOT... PASS!!!! (Photo by Danny Kumar)

Thank you, Malaysians.

My condolences to the family of Baharuddin bin Ahmad. The man gave his life while fighting for righteousness and something that he believed in. God bless his soul.

I ramble on twitter a lot. You may reach me at @kavilan 

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Credits to @anthraxxxx. Click on image to view his tweets

Yes, only three convos this time. I’m lazy. Bite me.

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Moving on to current times, and with the Interlok/pariah issue. You get every Tom, Dick and Harry opening their piehole with their own comment. So here I am, jumping on the bandwagon (which actually doesn’t seem to move at all).

Let’s put it on the table here. You have this demigod Indian party and a whole bunch of Indian NGOs (which I’ve never heard of before until this issue arose) calling for the removal of the book from the syllabus. All crying out one common reason – **pause for dramatic effect** – Indians are sensitive to the word ‘pariah’. – **longer pause** – It is not in line with the 1Malaysia slogan.

My sensitivity to this matter is THIS big

Yes folks, the word sensitivity gets thrown around more times than Ibrahim Ali stuttered in Al Jazeera. And 1Malaysia pops up more times than STDs in a brothel.

The end does not justify the means. I agree to rescinding the book from the syllabus. But the question of WHY is important as well. You will surely not hear me saying that it’s not in line with 1Malaysia and that Indians are sensitive to the word ‘pariah’. The Indians who are actually sensitive to the word ‘pariah’ are probably very deeply rooted in the caste system themselves. The fact is and will always remain that the caste system was alive and well in the days prescribed within the context of the novel, and the immigrants felt free of them once they set foot in this land.

Now, why do I say that the rescinding is necessary, but not for the reasons stated? Simple. Our teachers are ill-equipped.

Not THAT kind of equipped

Pariah is a word that is much maligned like the word ‘keling’. If you wanna read more about ‘keling’, please do so here. Anyways, those words have their real meanings, but they’ve been used mainly for insults. The words themselves do not contain any malice, but the intent of the person who utters them usually does. These words hold a descriptive meaning to particular sections of ethnic groups, as proven by their etymology, and are not intended for causing harm.

Schoolchildren though, cannot see the difference there, and they will automatically look at ‘pariah’ in a negative light, as the majority of utterances are indeed intended for insults and causing hurt.

In Malaysia, with even school principals uttering racist remarks, can we say that our teachers are fully prepared 2 guide the children as necessary? The government clearly has no spine to enforce strict disciplinary codes in fear of losing support (or out of mere ignorance). Who’s to say that the teachers themselves fully understand the usage of the word ‘pariah’ in context?

Teachers must b able to explain to children on why the word has been used. They should be well versed with literary concepts and have a strong grasp of Malaysian history before even attempting to educate the children. But with even our history syllabus distorted for political means, will this materialise? I am not saying that all teachers are such, but it doesn’t matter if only a small percentage of teachers are ill-equipped. Planting wrong and inaccurate information into young minds, whether with or without intent, IS WRONG. Can the Education Ministry give a guarantee that all KOMSAS teachers are fully aware of all these issues and give a neutral perspective on ‘pariah’?

When so many things regarding Malaysian races and religions being perverted by the system, the minds of children don’t stand a chance here. Just like how Peanut Butter & Jelly Man does not stand a chance against Superman in an arm-wrestling contest.

No chance at all.

It is for that reason that I want the book rescinded. Not because of me being sensitive to the word ‘pariah’. The only thing I’m sensitive to are tickles. And my girth.

We’ve been assimilated as Malaysians for the past 50 odd years. Desensitization should have occurred naturally long time ago. Sensitivity is bullshit. As a progressive society we shud be able to voice our views independently, without fear.

Early reactions to Interlok suggested burning the book or putting up a straight ban on it. Sheesh. What do these guys have for breakfast every day? A pile of steaming horse crap? Burning the book makes us like Hitler. Banning it likens us to Stalin. We’re neither.

Possible book that was burnt - How To Win A War

Streamline our education system, train teachers to their fullest capabilities, ensure proper guidelines are followed, remove politics from the education system. When that happens, trust me, we could even study the Quran, Bible, BhagavadGita or any other scriptures together and have a rational discussion and dialogues about it without over-zealous assholes demonstrating and giving speeches with terrible grammar.

I stress again, removing Interlok coz it’s not in line with 1Malaysia is about the lamest excuse I can think of. Seriously, I think it’s more lame than a superhero character called Squirrel Girl. Protesting Interlok using that reason means that you are sending the message that taboo will always be an issue in Msia, and we can never discuss any issues openly for fear of rattling sensitivities. You are telling the children to not to learn and understand and accept history, but to avoid it and lock skeletons in the closet. One day those skeleton WILL come out, and it is gonna scare the bejeezus outta you and make you piss all over your pants and your expensive Persian rug.

It's either this, or your Persian rug. Your choice.

Let’s call a spade, a spade. The 1Malaysia reason is ass-kissing in a glaringly obvious fashion. Have the fucking guts to stand up and speak. And maybe, just maybe, people will start respecting your views and won’t look at you like you’re the incompetent nincompoop you are.

I dare say that these parties aren’t campaigning to remove Interlok from syllabus for the reasons I’VE mentioned, because it will only EXPOSE the weakness of our public education system. And to publicly declare that the education system is very much flawed is clearly not in line with 1AssKissing.

So instead of addressing THAT issue, we have quarters claiming ‘pariah’ is sensitive. Not in line with 1Malaysia. Easy peasy, case closed.

PS: Also, editing books is a big no-no. If you change the original content, what use is there for it in schools? Since the book was already edited before dropping into the syllabus, I’d say it shouldn’t have been put into the syllabus in the 1st place.

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First up: the good parts.

Rajinikanth

Rajini IS Enthiran. It is a Rajini-fest throughout the movie and he doesn’t disappoint. A clear and distinct mark shall be left by him with his fans for the total lack of punch dialogues, entrance songs and mass heroism, and yet it is a very good thing in this movie. Rajini’s acting provides a breath of fresh air and yet his persona, charisma and charm that make him the superstar of Kollywood is ever-present.

Dr Vaseegaran

After a few number of years, Enthiran provided Rajini the perfect chance to show off his acting chops that director K Balachander noticed in the 70s. He manages to make all three characters very distinct and possess their own traits. As Dr Vaseegaran, Rajini exudes charm towards his lover, Sanaa and the next moment, the hardworking scientist wanting to improve the world. Scenes of him breaking down in disappointment and barking mad with anger was convincing.

Chitti

As Chitti the Robot, Rajini gave out a calm demeanor, almost, child-like. Deadpan humour and innocent remarks with simple mannerisms were like second nature to him. Not to forget the over-eager, jealous yet madly-in-love personification of the robot after it learns how to emote was a reminder of Rajini’s Casanova heydays.

But arguably THE best Rajini performance of the decade as it comes to a close is certainly reserved for his portrayal of the villainous Chitti 2.0. Vengeful and evil, Rajini owns the screen with his maniacal laugh and snide remarks. His mannerisms and dialogue delivery are  reminiscent of his early days in cinema where he thrived in the role of villains and he surely comes out shining here. Rajini did his job well, and praised he should be.

Chitti v2.0

Music

AR Rahman does what he does best here, and he kicks some major ass. Since the album release some time back, the songs have been on the Tamil charts roosting on the top of the pile. Rahman also keeps the audience engrossed in certain scenes with a powerful background score and I just cannot wait to get my hands on them when they are released to the public. Although I do have to draw the line by saying that it is still not his best work this year, which I feel is still the track listing from Vinnathaandi Varuvaaya.

Dialogues/Lyrics/Cinematography

To seamlessly integrate western scientific terms into Tamil without disrupting the message wanting to be conveyed is a gargantuan task, and the writers excelled here. Vairamuthu’s lyrics are so amazing that one learns new scientific terms in Tamil just by listening to the songs. Camera work is astounding. Rathnavelu captures different moods perfectly. Song picturization is pleasing to the eyes, especially for the Kaathal Anukkal and Kilimanjaro songs. Wide angles used in scenes to describe the magnitude of mayhem in the city certainly let you see more action.

Lovely costumes and breathtaking scenery - WIN

Make-up / Costume Design

Manish Malhotra and Mary E. Vogt made the stars shine brighter. Aishwarya Rai looked amazingly graceful and sweet in one scene and changes to hot and sexy in another. Rajinikanth is made to look younger, hipper and smarter and his costumes are sure to be mimicked by Indian youths soon enough.

And now, let us move on to the negative aspects of the movie.

Character portrayal

Aishwarya Rai, although being the fulcrum to the storyline, is merely an eye candy. And although it is an awesomely sweet and tasty candy, one could not help but wonder why her acting talents were under-utilised here in Enthiran.

Eye Candy

Danny Denzongpa as the antagonist also didn’t have much scope to perform, as so did Santhaanam and Karunaas. Although this should not come as a surprise and all the main characters are carried by Rajinikanth himself, making other actors under-utilized or simply forgettable.

Screenplay

The story tends to drag a lot in the second half of the movie. A taught screenplay would have been expected of the director Shankar, but surprisingly, he disappoints to an extent. Shankar needs to decide which demographic market does he want to sell the movie to, and certain scenes which purely exist for masala purposes does not bode quite well with the up-market audiences. Similarly, if he wants to do things the hi-tech way, he should maintain such consistency throughout the movie, and not fluctuate in the flow of the story. Flip-flopping from masala comedy to sci-fi thriller scenes made me lose interest.

This being Shankar’s dream project for almost a decade, I understand the fact that he wanted to barf out his ideas onto the storyboard then drag the story for 3 hours. But understanding that doesn’t mean I accept it. The final action scenes could’ve been made shorter and not so, well, over-the-top.

Stunts

The stunt work for the actions scenes are a mixed bag of nuts. Some are good, some are bad. The train fight scene was trademark Yuen Woo Ping and it was a sight to behold. That was it, though. Then came the car chases at the end that pretty much summed up car chases in Tamil cinema. For all the new leaps that Shankar made in this movie, it was absolutely disappointing to see the regular goons flying around after getting whacked and cars being thrown into the air after a small collision on the bumpers. It was getting to be like another regular Tamil movie. The saving grace was with the mayhem that Chitti 2.0 causes while facing off the police and army. Although, standard Tamil movie person-gets-beatup-up scenes were still existent.

Final thought

One aspect I did not touch is the CGI effects. Since Tamil cinema is still doing baby steps in movie effects compared to Hollywood, it is unfair to compare the levels of effects. Although for a Tamil movie to be producing such effects present in Enthiran is a very laudable thing and it certainly proves to be a benchmark for Tamil cinema. The ending scenes provide a very high benchmark for forthcoming movies of this genre in Tamil cinema.

The English subtitles certainly bode well as they allow a wider array of audience to watch the movie (especially here in Malaysia). And they are quite accurate as well.

Enthiran may be riding on Rajini’s shoulders, but it is undoubtedly a Shankar movie. Unlike other previous movies of Rajini, he is merely an actor here (an awesome one at that). This movie will never have been made or run without the massive star power that it has, namely Rajini, Aishwarya Rai and AR Rahman. Shankar had great vision and guts to make this movie, and he can claim full credit to it. But to market the movie to a wide audience, especially in India, more specifically in Tamil Nadu, requires much more than a few flashy scenes. That’s where Rajini comes in and he deftly pulls the job. Nevertheless, this is certainly a good thing where now the audience has come to believe that a sci-fi movie could also be made in Tamil.

Watch it just for the entertainment values, and enjoy Rajini’s performance. Although I must warn you that Shankar’s screenplay might leave you wondering why is it taking so long. Shankar also risked losing the audience at few points in movie, which he then manages to bring back later, although at a slightly lesser interest level.

My personal rating – 6/10

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Of course, you are waiting for the Star Wars analogies here as well, right? Of course you do! DiGi iPhone 4 is like a lightsaber. A lightsaber is bound to its owner. A lightsaber is the Jedi’s lifeline. He wields it with might to conquer all before him. I am a Jedi (or a Sith Lord, whichever floats your boat) and the iPhone 4 is my lightsaber. I can rule the my world with it.

The iPhone 4 with DiGi will be my life. I want it. I need it. I must have it. I hold Nuffnang and DiGi to all that is just and fair in this world – give this Jedi Knight his lightsaber. Give me an iPhone.

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