My So Called Management Skill

4 days after my text message, he called- 3 times,too

2007-03-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

I had dinner with Peter today.

Not only with him,unfortunately. Well...around 3 pm of today, he called me. it's been 4 days since we last met and that I begun to wonder if he was ever attracted to me at all because he's been so quiet.

I had to meet with Paul ,his girlfriend ,and this guy from accounting company today. After the meeting, we went to this place and waited for Peter and his assistant.

Tonight we chatted a lot as usual. But it's more like the attempt of getting to know eachother. Not that there's no attraction there. But it's more like getting to know eachother as I wrote. He could be someone seem to be my age and also someone older who can teach me. I think, I can feel that he can handle me ,really. Eventhough he seems soft but I really think he can handle me.

This guy is unpredictable again. I'm not sure what he's thinking. After tonight, does he still think of me as interesting at all? (he told his bestfriend-before tonight- that he's attracted to me). I'm not sure and I don't know.

Well...but I'm just like this. May be he will go back to his ex-girlfriend afterall. Peter is so cute and charming. I really like it when he smiles.

Good night- I don't even know when I will see him again. But I think I like him.

Peter Peter Peter-you and your auburn hair with your brown eyes and sincere smile.

2007-03-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

I think the good thing I did last night finally paid off. God blessed me today for the fact that I didn't cross any boundary with Tom and I just don't regret it at all.

Today I met Peter again-unexpectedly. Paul took me to pick up his girlfriend and so dropped by at Peter's shop which is near by the area of the appointment.

He was working. We talked a bit and he smiled and my heart beat really fast. He's so freaking cute!!! I found myself so very into his eyes. He has sexy eyes.

Anyway we went to a restaurant and waited for him there. Finally he showed up. We reserved a place for him to sit next to me and we chatted. At first it didn't seem like we would chat a lot but he just started a conversation and I felt at ease. He told me about his college life and they were funny! So ....we laughed, chatted, and just forgot about the others at the table. As this kind of story always went. I think he is sensitive and has a good heart. Anyways

He gave me an advice that I should always go visiting my own restaurant so employees will be too afraid to do any silly things. Anyway, his eyes can be serious, sad and fun. Of course he still misses his ex.

Sometimes I wondered whether he was just being friendly with me or if he was any interested at all. I think I became quite sure that he must have at least a tiny inch of interest when we left that restaurant and walked to get a cab. He was with me most of the time and if not, he would be the last one of them waiting for me to catch up with him. He held my handbag once to help me getting stuff. We crossed the road together and I knew he almost held my hand. Well...he's nice.

We all went to a massage place. I just went to sleep. After waking up, we all felt kinda numb and dreamy. We went home. He still talked to me a bit. He got off. and that's it.

So I figured I should do something. So I sent him a mobile text message. Wow--by this time if he's not asleep, he must be reading it by now. He's such a busy man. he's got telephone calls all the time. May be he's interested in me but I think I might just be a rebound girl for him. well...he's cute and nice. Should I say no?

I won myself, my heart, and my needs.

2007-03-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today I did something that I'm very proud of. It's not the fact that I actually got to practise managing the way I promised Jack. It's not the fact that I actually made a girl cry because of me being too unapprochable or anything like that at all. It's the fact that I refused to let anything further going on with Tom tonight.

You remember Tom? I used to have a crush on him though he's my employee. I haven't spoken much to him ever since the evening we had a 4 hour long talk. Whenever I had to speak to him, it would only be about work. My managers have been very tired this week so I baught them dinner this evening as a way to say thank you for being there for me during one of my most difficult times in business.

just the 4 of us having dinner. Me, Paul, Paul's girlfriend-Tory, Tom, and Ted. Everyone except for Tory and me were drunk. Tom was less drunk because he has to work early in the morning tomorrow. So he drove us home. First off, he took Paul and Tory home, then dropped off Ted for a cab, then...me.

It's not that I still like him a lot or something like that but I just haven't seen Peter anymore. And yesterday, Peter didn't show up at Jack's Party when he said he would so he's missing a chance of seeing me there. I still remember how intelligent he is but this girl is quite lonely and very stressed out. How'd that song of Garbage go again? "I'm overworked and undersexed" So this girl is quite horny,right? Even a boss has a right to be horny like other human beings.

So he took me home. It was a short trip but I just could sense the old flame burning inside my body--well in my chest and between my legs. You can just call it "chemistry".

During dinner time, I got to speak with Tom a bit. And I tried hard to control any chemistry that could ever happen. But I knew that the old flame must be burning inside him helplessly. I bet.

In a truck together alone, I became very quiet. He's the one doing the talking. I just nodded or didn't comment anything. He didn't speak much actually since I just bit my lips and said nothing. I figured that that was the safest way to prevent anything further from happening. I couldn't help noticing that he drove slower than usual. I couldn't help thinking that he wished that the time would last longer.

When we reached my house, he drove the truck rearwards so that it would be adjacent to the wall. Why? why not adjacent to the gate?? Well...at that moment it just ticked me that there might be a kiss going on and he didn't want anyone to see it.

Seriously it can happen. It's 2.30 AM. Very dark. We're alone with this old flame between us. I was unusually quiet that any fool can understand that I felt that flame,too. I was even afraid that he would just grab me and kiss me. Really-- it's just a click of my finger for all making out to happpen. But quickly, I chose to get out of the truck. I had been avoiding his eye contact every way possible. Avoiding any further conversation. All those times, I just bit my lips and stared downwards at my lap. He saw it. He glanced at me, I know. I think he wished for all that to happen.

I just got out of the truck and he handed me my bag. We tried not to have our hands touched. I looked down all the time. I just walked away and tried to find my keys to enter the house. That was it! The moment's gone.

Now I feel--shamed for having no kisses from a guy but I also feel proud of myself for doing such a correct and great thing!!! This is so much better than any task I finished this week. Very very good! This is good! Thank you God. Thank you.

Chaotic kitchen,

2007-03-03T04:51:00.000-08:00

This morning I recieved an urgent call from my account manager. No cheves came to work today!!!

That's right! I think I came to a real strike!!! They said they wouldn't talk about this on the phone. They wanted us to go there and talk to them. My answer??? Go to hell!!!

So I passed on my message to Paul. Had him told Tom to take care of taking all house keys and necessary items from them. (we rented a house for them, that's right)
Had them leave immediately.

For the food? Anybody who knows how to cook even a little bit in my company joined the party in a kitchen today. Tomorrow, Tom will be the head chef. I mean for tomorrow.

The ex-head chef- Rita the bitch- tried to call my mother today twice. She probably thought that that would reach me somehow. Sorry babe!

You remember Jack? Paul's friend? We're trying to contact him about new cheves he promised to send.

Whatelse? Good things go too slow today. Bad things speed up fast!

I miss Peter. Does he like me? When will I see him again?

Peter

2007-03-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

There went a serious story. Here comes the relaxing one.

I just came back home. This is 2.30 in the morning. I had dinner with Paul and 3 other really intelligent managers (who don't work for me- don't misunderstand).

I'm in the learning phase. They taught me great lesson today. Me and Paul have been really tired. One of these 3 guys is Paul's brother. The others are Paul's best friends. From now on I will call them as Jack, Peter and Paul's brother is Edgar. Jack is this rebellious chef's old boss. He feels very bad about the incident. He sent her to help us and she made him lose his face. I've seen Jack a lot.

They all are smart and easy going. Edgar and Peter, I just met today for the first time. Jack and Paul always wanted me to meet Peter. Peter is an Aris. And I always find Aris guys irresistable. First boyfriend is an aris and so is the second one. Two of them are the ones I've ever loved. True, my love life has been kind of exciting. But--hey! I'll tell ya later. A girl gotta have a secret!

Anyways,an aris is just sexy and powerful to me. I'm a saggitarius and I just need someone who can handle me in every way. Who can make me respect and give up on my ego. Besides I find their bossiness very sexual attractive to me. I'm very active about sex! (: Anyway that's not the point.

I met Peter today. He's so fucking much smarter than me and the smartest guy I have ever flirted with in my whole entire fucking life!!! Peter is this character "Sai" in this manga "Ninja Naruto". He's unpredictable. He hides his intelligence in the smoothest way. You can't imagine what he's thinking. He just smiles in every situation. He speaks softly-not too talkative. I finally understood his advice at the end of the night. He ,first off, told me his advice and I didn't even get it! How embarassing. He has this korean-Japanese looking. he's around 33-34 years old. But he looks so young. He seems to be someone harmless and shallow on the surface. He's just smart and I'm just dumb. I almost felt like he has no good advices. Almost!

The thing that drew me away from this idea is because of the story from Paul that he's this kind of person. And also because of small observations I made about him. Sometimes he seemed like he wasn't watching but he always knew if I wanted something such as rice or water ,etc. He's the one giving me an advice about "someone want to be ordered and someone don't" I'm not sure what kind of person I am actually.

I understood at one point of the night that he's not powerless when I looked straight into his eyes. He always seems to have this harmless eyes. But at that point when we got to sit next to eachother. I saw the "fire" in his eyes for a couple of seconds. Just a couple of seconds. My breath was out of control a little bit.

And underneath the personality of someone far from a player, I saw passion in his eyes that made me -even now dream of. Really, he has nice eyes. They're sparkling and powerful (even for a couple of seconds when you really look into them). They're intelligent and seem to know what you think. There's a great passion in him, I'll tell ya. I felt it for just a couple of seconds only and I knew he's only a "man". I felt it from his eyes and from the nearness of his hand when he passed me a lighter. I just want to day dream about him and wonder what it would be like to grab his hand and rip off his shirt and kiss him.

Ok that's enough. That's enough. Tom was just incomparable to him. really! Peter is the businessman- did I tell ya? Huh ok stop!

Anyway- too bad I'm too dumb. I couldn't reach into him as much. I always almost felt that he's shallow and thinks nothing, know nothing all the time. This is a prove that I just can't catch up with him. How can he be interested in a dumb girl like this!!! He should be into some smart women. May be he's not interested at all. Really, I should focus on my job.

I should focus on my job because I want to be tougher and smarter. It feels good to be smart. Not smartass. Tomorrow I have to prove this. I will talk to the head of my cheves. I like smart men. It's hard to find smart people with moral. A book says that if you want to be attracted to from a certain type of guys, you have to be one of them. May be if these kind of people are what I like, I have to be one of them afterall. Yes?? Agreed?

The night ended, They left durin the time I went to a restroom. I was dissappointed a bit. I don't know when I will meet him again. Paul said to me that they left before us because they want to show us respect that we are high level of managing directors. Such a guy's world I am in. And all I wish is the further move I should have with him. What a silly girl. Their thoughts are deeper. They want to see me a top businesswoman- a career I've always dreampt of since I was a third year in a college.

I just flirted a bit with the most intelligent businessman... (: and I got his number

Whever I forget, I will come and read this again and again

2007-03-01T11:14:00.001-08:00

So many days have passed. My stories are full of crying, anger, lost, and enlightenement. I cannot tell a lot for you guys will be just bored of wall of texts. I will just say that my business have been going through so many sides. I've been cut by almost every sharp turn of business. Don't really get it? That's ok.

1 I've not had enough money to pay to everyone. I discovered that I lost 100,000 baht of profits. (1 dollar=40 baht)
2 I've a small strike from my cheves. Might be common for westerners but not for me. I've paid them really really well. I opened up another canteen and I need their help. I opened up another one because I had to. I just needed to see that they would return my favour. But no..they see this as a chance to earn more pay, take more control of a company for they believe there's no chance for me to hire some others.
3 I was betrayed by my own uncle. I don't know whether this is 100% true. But one souce told me that he's been having an affair with one of the cheves and probably been listening to all she says. This made him spilling all our secrets to her, and doesn't really care much about my good deeds. It hurts. He took care of me when I was young..

And today I just learned a great lesson of management. Isn't it weird that employees who are taken advantage of from their bosses, always behave well. It's because...bosses need to build up the "system" that will control them as much as they can so they can take advantage of their employees. These employess are people who like to be ordered around. They just become nutcase when there's no rules forcing them. They can't be nice on their own. Other people who are not like this are the people who don't like being ordered around.

Another thing is that there are 2 kinds of workers only in this world. First off, is workers who work for money. Second is workers who work for their pleasure in working.
The second group is rare in this world. When we find one, keep him well. Give him a lot of payment so he can be with us for as long as possible. So manager's duty is to find out whether that worker belongs to the first group or the second group. Try to meet their needs. In the same time controlling them with sets of rules and systems-always, always. When we run into people like my cheves, it may be because I just couldn't meet their needs.

Obviously, my cheves belong to the first group of worker. Their needs are being controlled, and money. If the system is well, they might just work for money and can't cheat or act naughty like this.

I have to write these down so that this knowledge will sink into my brain and my heart for as long as possible----hopefully lifetime. They almost got me lose my business. This management course is expensive. Everytime I forget, I will come and read this.

Normally people want to seem nice and be appreciated by everybody. But bosses come with the greater and harder responsibility. Since good people can become bad and bad people can become good. This depends on the system and rules. The boss's job is to building a system and rules. The boss's job is to identifying which type of workers they have. The boss's job is to be hated and feared for we pay! The money's ours! We pay! Do not fear them! There's always a replacement for everyone. Might be equally good, better, or worse but there's always a replacement. Distinguish feeling from this job! Obviously, all my workers except for Paul belong to the first group. No matter how nice the future workers are, they will become bad in this zero system environment as this. I made a promise to this man that I need to keep. That is ,from now on, I will always be strict, and full of system. I need to keep it since I say "yes" to him.

My cheves are the great case of study especially the head of them. This guy, whom I made a promise to, is her old boss. He told me that she used to be nice and will never leave her work undone. But when she's with me, she feels fine to leave her work undone. What's with that?

The answer is - she is the kind of people who doesn't have her own ground of believes. She is like water. She will flow to wherever the direction of the geography leads to. When she worked with her old boss, she's surrounded by this collegue who belongs to the second type of worker. So she becomes something like that,too. But in this new environment, she immitates the first type of collegue. Today they told me they would leave home early because they're tire. They didn't care whether there will be someone cooking or not! She used to not be like this! Great case study. When no rules nor punishment, disaster rules.

Are you bored reading this?

2007-02-26T09:19:00.000-08:00

For Tom, I think there's a 70% chance that he's a fraud.

Firstly, he's been telling people the reason we were chatting so late that evening because of me wanting to watch the stars at night!!! (which is totally untrue since there's no stars you can see anymore in the city not to mention that he's the one chose to get off the bus to sit at that restaurant. It's totally his idea) I learned this from my uncle who works with me and my uncle is trustworthy. Who knows what else Tom told everybody.

Secondly, during that same evening, Paul kept calling Tom also (apart from calling me) and he said that Tom pushed the "end" button on his cell phone on purpose 4 times. Tom put his cell phone on vibrate mode (this is true though) and he never answered Paul's calls.

Thirdly, This is within his first month of work and he's already taken a day off which is today for the reason of family visiting him today.

Fourthly, Tom's never used his sign in card eventhough me and Paul kept telling him to sign in so many times.

Fifthly, he didn't keep a promise to his worker about taking her to apply for id card. It's not his responsibility but he promised her and it's quite important. If he's not available to help her, he should at least inform his seniors (me and Paul) about this so we can fix the matter.

Sixthly, he neither returned the above worker's call nor recieved tha calls. The thng is we had sort out this worker's problem and he hasn't done anything yet. He just let time fly. He wouldn't inform her anything and just left her worry and clueless which resulted in ,at last, me and Paul apologizing to the customs because this worker was so furious and rudely stormed at them. (it's a complicated matter- just know that this worker's id had something to do with the custom, ok?)

These are the most hard evidences I can see. The rest are still rumours and unsure by me so I'm not gonna write down any.

Paul is the great manager I tell ya. Today we both went apologizing and bribing a little to this vice managing director of the custom. The abilities just showed.

I also apologized to this supplier for having to postpone the payment. and I'm so worried about not having enough money to pay for all employees on the 28th of Febuary. What am I gonna do??? Guys????

The anger and the wind

2007-02-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

For today,

I encountered Tom for a brief period at work after trying to avoid everyone for a while. I had some business to manage at my canteen, something involved with custom. We talked only about work. One of my soon to be ex-worker caused some problems. I was required to be there to aplogize to the custom and made some lies. Tom's still a kid, I can see. His face was just lost it like--panic. Sure so I was the only adult there. Afterall I'm the boss! I must be the last one surviving.

Anyway everything went through. It was alright. I just have to make a letter about this on Monday.

We came down. I was pissed and told tom that I would have to fire this worker. I lost my cool a lot on that floor because of this woman. During me spilling my anger like this, the damn wind blew. Yes the damn wind! Well I think I flashed everybody with my butt crack. My damn skirt just flew opened as if it didn't care that the owner was being mad like hell. The bad thing is that I didn't even realize this and there was this kind of blurry type of mirrored wall behind me. After realizing what was going on with my behine, it was just too late. Tom told me (after glancing at the mirror-yes I saw it) "your skirt". Fuck? fuck yeah!

Overlooking this situation, me and Tom were plainly collegues. Well..how hard it is for him to having to not give me any special attention. We didn't even get to date, and he saw my butt crack!

What's Tom? A man? or a conman?

2007-02-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

If the conversation me and Tom had at the restaurant was real, I fell in love. It's not like a girl VS guy love kinda thing. It's more delicate. It's more like a love for another human being, a love to my trustable general.

He told me a lot of things about his life, his mom, his childhood, his village. He passed on his mom's teaching to me. Told me how he could become what he became. he tried to tell me how much he valued the guts of one person. And the guts come from a heart. I told him a little bit of my childhood. We exchanged the reasons why we wanted to be successful in lives. and such and such and such.

He made me want to trust him. He made me feel like he's so real. A real man. He can kill and save. We came to a conclusion that because of this, we will remain a good brother-sister. he made a promise that he needed to keep. He will not make any move on me for...as long as...he calls me "boss". He said his heart is higher than that.

So if these are for real, I believe one day he will be a really great businessman and a godfather at the northern part of the country. That day I will have to marry this man.

If these are fake-- don't know what to say.

That day that we chatted, we got in a lot of troubles. My directing manager Paul who thinks of me as his sister (I mean it- really) was so worried sick about me. People kept calling me and Tom. I got 20 miss calls. I just didn't hear any phone ring as usual. Paul was thinking that Tom did this to make a move on me or something. But the conversation was nothing of flirting. We tried to explain this but noone really believed us. There was one mistake that me and Tom did. It was that this conversation was during working hours. I didn't think of it. And Tom...I don't know what he was thinking... nothing? or may be he was thinking that he wanted to do a surprise check to the rest of the workers at the canteen. Paul said that Tom should report this to him first if this really was his intention. Well...I'm just so tired of all these.

Now yesterday, me and Paul went downtown for some business. He told me that everyone knew what Tom has been thinking. Tom wanted to use me. I'm like...dude...I'm not that innocent. I may look like one but I'm not! Well..anyway this is just to inform my readers that all problems solved. I'm just gonna have to dissappear from everyone for a while. I'm tired. And I need my private life back.

From liking to being professional

2007-02-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

So many things have happened.

On Monday we had a meeting. We have our chef cried. There are so many mistakes.
Me and Tom hardly flirt. There were just a couple of glances that made my heart beat fast. And at one time when I went to the loo, he was waiting outside and asked me if I had anything to speak to him (from the phone conversation). He asked so politely so I just had to say " well..." He said "not anymore?" I said "that's right. Not anymore" At one point we had a chance to be alone at the table cos' everyone went to the loo. The wind seemed to blow soflier and he said to me that "a woman sitting in front of me is beautiful but " And Then I said "what I said to you on the phone, you just have to think for yourself what I meant if you think you're smart enough". He,then, kept repeating "I will do my best here because I made a promise to my old boss (the one who sent him to us)". I at first wasn't sure whether he didn't understand what I meant or not. "I mean-- the phone conversation, you just have to think about it yourself about what I meant" And he still said the same thing "I will do my best here because I made a promise to my old boss"

The day after, I went to the canteen, we met and we had a chat at this nice restaurant near by. There was no flirt or whatsoever. Time flew and the next thing I knew is that it's been around 4 hours. Everybody was looking for us. We didn't flirt or anything. Please believe me. It was over.

From 15th to today

2007-02-17T05:06:00.000-08:00

After getting so pissed at not having much money left, I went to have dinner with my managing director. We consulted and came up with a solution and I just felt better already just to change the atmosphere. But it's still the same. I am the fucking rule!!!

Anyway the day after, Me, my managing director ,and my crush, whom from now on will be called Tom, had dinner to discuss about the new solution and to have him spilling out secret he ran into during working at the canteen. The job was talked through and well. We all opened up. It improved the loyalty with the company.

We drank quite a lot from 5.30 pm upto 2 am so we all were quite tipsy. At one point, starting from Tom spilling out his family secret. One thing led to another. Next thing I knew was that Tom started to tell me how he felt about me. He told me I probably knew and he's been uncomfortable about this for quite a while. He told me that it would be better if I am 1 or 2 years younger than him (I am one year older). It's quite serious for Asian, I think. He said that because of this, he couldn't make a move on me when he does want to. He also said that I am just his type of girls -- independant, fearless to search for my trueself (careerwise), not afraid of being myself. He told me that eventhough he wanted to know me more, he can't. Which may be better off. So he came to his decision to work the hardest for me. He will help me achieve my dream in business world. This is out of all his good feelings.

I just nodded and said nothing. We said nothing else about this for the rest of the night for there were so much to discuss and for the fact that there was no time alone for the two of us.

I was quite speechless- It was 2.30 when I got home. It was rough somehow. I had to stand in front of my house for half an hour, then slept in a kitchen instead for all doors inside my house were locked and noone would wake up for me. Shit!

This morning, I had a lot of things on my mind. It's lucky for him to be able to ,at least, tell me how he feels. I can't even do that! Hey..wait a minute...may be this is just a trap for me!!! Damn! Anyway I just had to do what I wanted to do. Which is calling him and told him the story of Achilles- a guy who chose duty over love. I was trying to make my point that I am just like Achilles. Don't know if this made any sense,though.

This evening, My late shift was missing employees so I have to go there and be one myself. The problem was quite complicated. There's no any other choice. Well...let's just say...this night, I'm not gonna be able to sleep!!!

That's the end for today.

Shit Head!

2007-02-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

I said shit head because I'm pissed. I'll tell ya. I've been losing profits from January this year. I know the fucking number. I've been kind or may be because I've been newbie in this field. I gave what people asked me for. I was easy going. I managed by letting them make mistake first and then corrected later. WRONG!!! WRONG!!! Unless you have so many many in your account that you don't give a shit losing some of them. Letting them make mistake then correct them later has a good side--that is--they won't be against you when you correct them. You'll get the cooperation. Good for management - not good for the money!

Remember it kiddo!!!

It's not that I want to be so fuckin rich. I don't really fall in love with the money that all much. I just don't want my company to be short of money. This is for everyone,though. How can they make it if the company doesn't?

I only know that noone joined my worries today when I was walking alone in the street from the bank. Today's salary day. That's why I'm so worried. There's really not much left and I don't know whether I will have enough for everything at the end of the month.

From now on----I am the rule. You do it my fucking way!!! Unless you help me pay!!! This is a good deed for everyone though noone will understand this. I fucking hate the world!!1

2007-02-14T06:34:00.001-08:00

well--what a quiet Valentine's Day I have. The same goes for my crush. We were just talking about this before I left for home. How incredibly old we felt. I was listening to his life as a child (whom was involved with black magic) He flirted a little ex- He was expecting for me today and wondering if there would be any surprises. So i just threw a big pile of papers at him and told him that that was my Valentine's day present for him

Do you think we will ever end up together

Tuesday evening

2007-02-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

I just came back home. Today was tough. The reason why I went to work with my "normal stress" because I knew something always have to come up and they're tough ones.

First- I found out that the place's owner (Well it's Canteen-incase I forgot to tell ya)is planning on cheating. He came up with the letter stating my electric bill without any electrical detail whatsoever. It's queer. There hasn't been any meter. He just came up with this sum of money stating the fee for the last f***ing 3 months.

Second- some of my employees want to resign at the end of the month for some sentimental reasons that seem ridiculous. (it's hard to find employees- sh**)

Third- My mom interfered out of good intentions and I was to lazy to explain all delicate problems to her. My company has this really fragile problems that outsiders can't really understand- So you will not understand,either. That's why I'm not gonna explain any!!!

She interfered for worries that I will lose all my money. Well-- this is asian culture you're talking about. It's family oriented so don't be surprised why my mom can be involved. I fought with her. It hurts to fight with her for I love her. But I understand my situations and I keep having this thought that I don't need to f***ing explain myself. She forced me to explain anyway to finally temporarily understand the surface of my problems. She also disagrees with me that my top management director don't really come into the office. He works, I know. Noone else knows, though. I'm thinking out of the standard. Still don't get it?? Just from my intuition that makes me trust him. Either that or he's a fraud. Dammit I don't need to fuckin explain myself!!!!! I'm so shittin bored!!!! I wanna go to the sea!!!

Anyways after a fight over the phone, I just had to come down for a few cigarettes. My crush saw me coming down and I knew that if he wanted to make a move, now's the good time for I was pissed and vulnerable. A good consolation would give a really good mark. No..he didn't come down and that made me happy! (: I'm happy with the situation very much. He acted so professional today. I think his ex-boss whom he respects must have had a word with him about our story. How the heck dose he know? We're in food business and everyone's connected!

Anyways later on when I was about to go up, I saw him and another financial manager coming down for a smoke so I changed my mind- stayed there joining them. We all talked about other stuff. And at one point, he talked to me about me being stressed out. He tried to calm me down indirectly as if he didn't mean it. We're getting away further and further from a "crush situation" and I'm happy. I had to control my eyes not to be into "flirting habit" too much. May be he's sincere after all. It's just not proper that's all. At the first place, we were just too young to stop ourselves from flirting. that's all, babe. I'm stressed and happy.

2007-02-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well- morning of Tuesday. I have to go to the office today and for some reason I have this mixed feeling of normal stress and new excite. I think I wanna have the ok looking today. I should go have my hair done and yeah- tomorrow or so I will arrange a big meeting and I will be ready to spank my team for causing me to lose so much money every month. I'm doing business not charity. So money should be coming in (to my account) not going out!!! d***

2007-02-11T02:57:00.000-08:00

I have another confession and soon to be another lesson to acheive.

I have a crush on this employee. The bad thing is that...I think he has a crush on me,too. Isn't it so unappropriate? I'm not just a boss, I'm an owner. And he's not like my top manager or any sort.

This is Sunday evening and I do...so....hope he is out and find another girl to be with.

Isn't it childish? I know it's not serious or anything. I am a kind of girl who has a crush on everybody. Been like that since my hormone started to bloom!!! So this is quite hard- when he's this bad boy type. Ooh how sexy is he. We're asian but he has this black eyes that has the dark blue spark. Ok..So I need to stop looking into his eyes, right?

I can't date him. He's a big No No. I'm afraid he will be another of my big corruptor who will take all company's money. You know? I'm afraid he flirts with me on purpose so this innocent lady will let him have a control of everything.

The last time I spoke with him face to face was the time I acted so cold and distant. I wanted him and everyone to know who's the boss! So step away, dude! You're not good enough! In spite of this pain in his eyes that made my heart ache, I walked away and left him there.

So another reason why you see your boss acts a total b**** or d*** head.

Or at least it's me anyway.

Thanx for sharing my secret.

Dear management diary

2007-02-10T05:29:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern,

Ok...You see a boss..you hate him/her. She's such a b**** You need your raise and you don't get any! They never listen. They just care if you come to work or not. Period.

Ok. I'm the boss. I don't give anyone raise unless you threthen me with a strike. but I've got my reason. How can anyone survive if my organization doesn't? I'm not just a boss. I'm the company's owner. The new company which still needs a lot of fix. Gosh! I'm tired every single day. I'm only 27- mid twenties and some can say I still have time for some fun before getting any older. Since I live in Thailand- The South East Asia where noone knows.

I used to hate bosses, too- in general. They have this distances I can't describe. They're always mean and whenever they say nice things, it's still nice things in the "I'm the boss kinda version". I hated it and so I decided that whenever I have a chance to become one, I will be nice, friendly, non distant and understanding. Yes and I did become that person. The result?- first few months, I was so much loved or I just felt it that way. Few months later, I found out that I was cheated big time around 300,000-500,000 baht ( 1 dollar=40 baht). Not much for you guys, right? But it's a damn lot for this country which give 184 baht as a daily minimum rate. The worst part is that I was cheated by the people whom I loved dearly that I thought loved me...

Human is the worst species. Never know the word "enough", "gratitude". Money/Power can buy almost anybody. When you let your guard down and be friend with them, they'll stab you right away and not hesitate to step on you to take over everything.

-------that's the first lesson I've ever learned------