My Sojourn

A Letter to My Son

2016-08-18T13:33:00.003-07:00

My Dear Son,

You are turning two :) My little boy. Just yesterday you were swaddling in my arms, today you are my friend, my buddy who gives me high five, who runs like a penguin, jumps on me, sing to me the sweetest melody. Wow! what a sweet gift you are from Allah.

Whenever you stumble upon this blog, I want you to know that I love you very much. You see mothers are little crazy when it comes to their kid. Just in a matter of second they jump through their most difficult journey, they cover the infinity in a matter of seconds and they become a new person, starting a life they never thought can be lived.

This world is a crazy place I tell you. As much as you give us the happiness, there is this clock tickling right behind me, chasing me, asking me to see the world from every angle. And then I do.

I do this because I know that this world may not be a very nice place to live in. Whenever I look at you, I want you to become the person I couldn’t become. It doesn’t mean I am not happy about my achievements but you know what, by the time you realize your potentials, things have gone fast forward and then there is a race which knocks you down so many times before you get up.

But you give me strength; you define meaning of this life to me. It’s scary and satisfying.

Just look at me I am a daughter, I am a mom, I am a wife, a daughter in law. And this life is just like a time travel device. When I spend time with you I move back and forth in time, basking in the glorious childhood memory, I am a child there at the same time a parent and I realize things that my parents did for me, from their perspective. And I realize how important it is to treat them nicely. So you have shown me the time I couldn’t feel anymore, the time which was stacked down in the chamber of secrets in my mind

When you grow up a little more, you would see there is no balance is this world. There are classes and differences, there are divisions and there are kids just like you begging on the roads, Kids who are injured in war, adults in miserable condition and what not. And you will see pictures and images that might make your heart thump a little stronger.

You might think that there is injustice in blessings too. You might be blessed with a lot of things while the other kid next to you isn’t and vice versa. And this whole thing might confuse you. It did confuse me. It makes me go crazy when people share images of kids being hurt. I always wonder oh God you had all the powers, you could have stopped this massacre.

I hate the fact kids beg on streets and sometimes we don’t help them because we think we are helping them build their regime. We are selfish to be honest.

How many times I go out of the way to help people? I can count on fingers.

But my son when you grow up, sort out your life. There are a couple of lesson you need to read every day. This world has attractions of every kind. Good and bad. You may choose good or bad according to your perception but at the end of the day you should be peaceful. You should be able to share the truth with yourself. You should be able to sleep on your own and peacefully. You can lie to the world but not to yourself. Most of the times we know answers, we run away from them.

You can’t do perfect in this world. Just do your best. Make best use of everything. You may not get answer of everything but your heart is your mirror. Look into it every day, every night before sleeping and you would know what kind of person you have become.

Be kind. Kindness would never disappoint you, nor the honesty. Follow them and you will be happy that you made right choice in your life.

I just realized how much I can share with you but not here and not today.

I wish you a life lived to the fullest.

Much Love,

Only Yours

Mama.

Two cups of Tea

2016-06-24T12:42:00.001-07:00

Just as I take my cup of tea. Sip after sip...felling into the whirlwind of thoughts gushing through my mind, touching every nook and corner of my life...I just want to shut my eyes thinking about you.

Sometimes it’s the sweetest escape. I am still glad that you virtually exist. To know that you lived before you died. That you had the oomph, an idea to live by. I would love to see you again on another cup of tea and we might sit down for a while. Thinking about this bizarre life and its tragedies. And just not try to solve any mysteries.

You need to come and sort my mind…stack after stack, after stack until you are tired. Tell me that I did great sometimes, that I nailed it and I was your hero. And I was the cover story of your heart. Tell me the shrieking voices I hear and I make. Well everyone has it and tell me it’s not a bad idea to give up sometimes. Lie in bed, forget and grief or think about the butterflies that flutter in your heart like past memories.

Forget about everyone and everything and think about the goodness that I once had and fill up my heart with energy. And tell the bad person in me is not that bad and that god still loves me.

And that he ignores my mistakes and he smiles sometimes and say ‘she isn’t that bad’ make her happy.

And touch the cord of my heart without any mistake, just be precise and make an escape so that the spell breaks evenly and I get up with a smile to break this symphony.

where is the FREEDOM!!!

2016-04-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

The sun is finally trying to make an appearance, covered in the fragments of clouds. The cool wind breeze, making all the big trees sway and the eerie noise it creates. It’s so peaceful right now that I can hear the sound of air. Birds are chirping in most delightful manner. Far from the place I am setting, is the light bulb switched on, somebody probably forgot to switch off all the lights. There is this heart sign chalked out by someone on the wall of a school which will soon be covered by kids of all ages.

Love is that overrated, yeah?

And then there is dandelion revolving around the place I am sitting, this whole thing takes me to the life I have already spent. The School, College and University time. When I was focused, more energetic, I had powers, I was an achiever. The confidence that grew over the time just only made my focus more clear and I knew exactly what my goals were. I was more connected to God. I knew who I need to ask , who I need to bend in font of, I could see him replying to me, guiding me, telling me the truth of life. There was this inner peace that I think now is missing from my life.

Slowly but surely I had to step out from that life into the practical life. ‘PRACTICAL LIFE’. Now this is the life where you are supposed to do everything which you might not like or can even make peace with. The Life which punches you so hard and so many times in your face but you rub it all off and stand to fight again.

You need to earn money and work hard at the same time. Obviously you can’t overburden you parents any more to fulfill your weird desires. You fell in love and fell off from the cliff both are same things actually, you get married and try to please everyone and there is this poor guy “husband” who is different from you in many ways and you try to see all your relations in him, then you make kids who for the rest of your life are going to be the center of attention.

Iyaad had temperature and all this night I kept on checking him. Was this because I was careless? I probably not am giving him enough time. This is the life of a typical mother.

Sometimes I think of my mother. She still loves me and not only that take cares of my son too and will keep on taking care of my future kids too and then sometimes I ask her “ Ami what are you getting from this whole thing? Like you have a daughter who falls on you and you are never tired. NEVER. Don’t you ever want to be FREE? Like Free from the worries of your kids?

And she in most confident manner ever “You guys are my life”.

No Ammi you created this life for yourself. And we all are following the same path. We make peace with our present and that’s the only way to live life I suppose.

Sometimes I feel there should have been a guide to this life. A manual that I could have read before jumping into this so called practical life.

I have also realized that humans are actually the most unthankful creatures. Half of our population wants kids the other half thinks what to do of them. Half of the population wants to get married, the other half are beating the head against the wall, half of this populations wants to earn money, the other half so perfect that you sometimes feel they are not real

The 29 years of my life and the only conclusion I could make out of this whole life is that connection to Allah is the only way to earn peace. That he is controlling life. I mean sometimes I feel what exactly my decisions were. None I suppose. He is the planner but most of the adults are tensed and stressed out because they have zero faith in Allah’s plan and even then you see them preaching about trusting Allah’s plan. And that patience is the virtue and you are rewarded when the challenges come your way and you make it to the edge of the river abiding the laws of GOD.

Happy First Iyaad -With love!

2015-08-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

To my dearest baby Iyaad,

21 Aug 2015 - As you turn 1 and you fill my heart with so much love, I wonder writing about you now make any sense? When all you can read is “AAAA”. But few years from now when you see what I wrote for you on your first birth day; might bring a pretty smile on your face. A smile which is the most beautiful and endearing thing I ever witnessed till date. And I say this with no exaggeration at all. Well my dear Eduuu birth fascinates me in a way. I would eat my mother’s brain to know each and every detail of how was I born. With little information she could provide, as she could remember very little and that happens with you being youngest, I used to picture myself.

But then I saw you: so little, so fragile , wrapped in sheets, staring as if our lives were moving in slow motion, giving another glance at every new thing , your eye brows squeezing then relaxing, your eyes dilating then contracting and I would see each and everything you do. Your arm movement, you moving your hand slowly to touch my face then yours, you responding to my voice, your eyes racing to see where is this woman?. I need her. How can I forget all these details? It was just yesterday I would cover you, handle you so carefully, and stay up whole night because I was worried of so many stupid things happening to you at night. What If your mum didn’t get up in time? I was silly to think that way. Nobody could wake me up that easily before you but now I can get up or literally jump out of bed when I hear you even rolling on your bed.

And look at you now. Kicking, jumping and bouncing on us. Checking our limits when we say ‘NO’. Chuckling on little things and making us smile, dancing on every other beat. Saying words like ‘than ko(thankyou) in most loving manner ever, saying dite (light), calling our maid ashhaaa, calling us abba ji , amma mama, nahin (NO) to everything we ask you , Pointing your nose and ours when we inquire and so many other things!! In no time you have become our center of attention, no matter where we go it’s just you we discuss. Sometimes we will sit around you and let you make us laugh while we see each other smiling just to celebrate you. Sometimes I seem to forget how it was like before you. But trust me my son when I say this: To have you is a privilege. Allah chose me to be your mother and I can’t thank him enough. I would do everything to have you in my life. The kind of love and inner satisfaction I have got after having you is immeasurable and I couldn’t have it any other way.

You made me feel venerable and a woman so strong. I could protect you; something inside me tells me that I can. You forced me to go after my dreams and that nobody can stop me in achieving stuff I want to. At least you brought back all those hidden feelings and emotions and for that I love you more my son.

As I see you growing up and completing your millstones each day. My heart sometimes ache and crave for that baby who I would want to see rolling for that first time or crawling for the first time or standing up on his feet. You are getting independent it makes me so proud and sad at the same time. I want to have some more time with my few months old baby. You are growing up that fast. So my boy as you take your steps towards partially independent life I pray for your health, success and that no evil harm you ever. This world is so tricky so I give you in ‘his’ protection that no evil befalls you ever. May you rise up as a great human being, a better Muslim that people look up to you. May Allah give you directions as pure as you are and fill up those gaps that 'we' as a parent won’t be able to. Happy First mere piyare bete (my beloved son) and we will have many more (by Allah’s will) I want to see you celebrating for as long as I am alive:)

With much love,

Your Amma!

HE

2015-07-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

He looks a bit worn out, hair not been pampered so well and so is the body language. He probably wants to set himself free but who can once you are tied. Tied down by rituals, emotions and people around you. I miss his smile and the wit but not more than the longing in his eyes, the sparkle which would illuminate the periphery so attractive that you can’t help but slip towards it.

He looks a bit tired of all that now, of talking about beauty and charms and the magic that sets the nodes of life like a beautiful melody. His words don’t float like a calm river anymore, there are hurdles and lack of devotion as if he wants to roll them around but they are tied by the times and stagnant by the realm.

So I set him free and let his mind wander in every careless direction but little does he know the chapter of life that we all want to open is being closed for good, little you can read, little you can remember. Just gifts of memories and that too; times to time; that make you feel helpless, joyful and absurd at the same time.

Nobody wants to leave present, present is endearing and is enchanting. Present is worrisome and tiring. Present is harsh and happening but present is a hope and present is a lifeline of facts and the promises that we will see each other again one more time out of infinity of times that we wish for each other.

This battlefield is so real that it murmurs in your ears to let go of all bad wills just one more time and love so ensnaring that bluffs the deal.

I clutter myself and my thought process easy to drive myself through the night but there is disturbance as pieces of leaves shedding from the tree making weird noises in your head. The whooshing sound making you uneasy but then I hear him calling my name and talking about his stuff , ideas and complaints. I then reckon I can sleep through the night well.

A Journey of 9 months

2014-09-02T10:20:00.001-07:00

They brought him to the room finally while I took a day to re-assemble myself, my brain, my body and cheering myself to greet this new guest. But wait! The nurse handed over our little guest to us and left. She was gone and it was three of us. Me, My newly born and My better half. And “This is not it”.

He was crying, like he never enjoyed warmth I offered. He didn’t even like my voice, my touch. It was smooth 9 months I kept him inside and read how he must be living inside me and out of all the things I was sure he would recognize me instantly and will acknowledge my presence and our heart beat would resonate and there would be immeasurable love but sadly none of that was true.

He kept crying and this time his voice reaching out doors, in corridors and I expected nothing but that nurse to come again and hold him. Thankfully they gave us an emergency bell; I beckoned my husband to press that but he seemed to give it another try, to soothe him and then finally! Our family arrived and thing started to get better and in place.

This was my son’s second day and our almost very first ‘that kind of’ encounter. I wasn’t disappointed at all because I knew I wasn’t in a very good position to comfort him but suddenly reality struck me: ‘He is here!’ He is going to behave like this, he is going to accompany us. It’s our life time responsibility. No more me or us, it is another person in life who needs my attention more than anything else.

My world seems to fall apart. Well I am not exaggerating this is how I felt and very close to it when I got discharged and moved towards my mother’s home. All carelessness, independence and wandering without any burden would be gone.

The time I left hospital was the time ( no body knows ) very emotional for me. I came here 2 days ago and this is how I am leaving. All that we anticipated in last 9 months finally came true, it all happened. Giving us new names and new relations. There were people to take care of me “uncountable” but now its few of us, some of them planning to leave soon.

This time everything looked different, absolutely different. As if first time I saw sunlight. My mother used to say you are re born when you give birth and it was so true. I saw sunlight with him for the first time. The sun rays shunning straight from the sky, falling on his face, illuminating his hairy skin in golden hues, while he barely could open his eyes. I could see more in him more than when we were together in blue lit room.

He is my son. Reality struck me again. I need to take care of him. We need to take care of him. This shift of responsibility was so intense I didn’t see it coming before. It was like someone jolted me from a fascinating dream, hit me in my head and said this! This you need to care for, this we have been preparing you for.

I can’t write how many things I struggled with initially. I forgot about myself. This is the first thing a parent is hit by. I madly rushed here and there to take care of my tot, out of motherly love or what… I don’t know. But it was an absolute mad rush.

I barely slept! I didn’t even get an hour sleep even I think. And it was already more than a week with my due date drawing closer to the pains to the final happening.

My eyes were wide open even after so many things that happened. I don’t want to go into those details but I stayed up is the crux. Then came a point where all these emotions building up inside me had to burst. They finally burst in form of tears. I cried like hell sometimes alone, sometimes in front of my husband and finally in front of my mother. Who; to my surprise couldn’t gauge as to why I was crying kept teasing me that you are crying because of this angel. I was like kill me with anything but don’t say I never enjoyed him.

I did. He is like a rainbow for me, changing color every day. Each color carries its own significance. ‘Color’ knitting a story that my mind reads and the memory of which already being etched in my brain. There was hardly any sec where I didn’t feel him breathing, to make sure he is here and getting scared every second and asking Allah to bless him with life. From here on I could see how my life going to be. Touching his soft skin that was the softest thing I ever touched. I am familiar with his little cold hands and feet and I know each and every detail of his little body and skin.

I love the way he acts

Like a fresh morning breeze…

At night and in eve J

And I could hear his voice even when I am away

And when he hugs me my heart melts in million ways

Through all these happening I became a mom :)

I knew from the fact our handshake prolonged

Well he didn’t allow me to complete this. This is my ‘snippet’ little journey from alone to finally becoming a mom.

You were there

2014-04-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

Their eyes were watching god. This is the only thing I could read standing at the distance. No matter how overzealous and haughty their presentation may be. How poor and devastating their situation may be. They had blood gushing through the veins which you can’t openly see and gaze. You would see it moving; making thick and thin alleys through their bodies. They keep it hidden to maintain a balance. There are only few who want to break themselves to be chastised because they know people are worse than god so they always held great hopes in him. Hope and wait were two things that characterized them as human. Only thing you could see in their appearance. No matter who they were and what they did. They were looking at their god.

I know you were there, in every possible demeanor

You were there

In forgotten past, struggling present and hopeful future

You were there

In every plight, in every success that was near

You were there

In balmy nights, in every resort, where there were dreamers

You were there

When sun did shine and there was nothing but morning between us

Untitled

2014-03-26T23:48:00.001-07:00

This day has come after such a long …

After such a long …

I was able to hear myself

In the brightest of hours

In the dullest of potion

I could hear my bones crackling sound

In the midst of darkness

I found myself wide awake

Nothing to leave, nothing to break

After such a long …

I was able to remove the mask

And float in the musk of exhilaration that wasn't in control

This day has brought back all healthy emotions

No meaning, no connotation

The loneliness, the quietness surrounds my existence

I could see myself reaching the innocence of a child

The dreams of a dreamer

the churn outside
This all is so vivid...

I feel so fragile

To break myself into pieces and survive.

-------

She floats in the paradigm of moving circles, joy laughter being its culture.

She looks for a place to hide.

To see what is left, what she took by.

She wants to be alone and feel the freedom,

For a moment also think she could control all the demons.

Inside she is volatile and looks so calm…

She might ignore your existence, don’t be alarmed.

Getting Up !!!

2013-06-18T14:23:00.001-07:00

My dear Ammi,

Today I missed you very much. To start with I thought of many lines, many phrases but at times perfection is not your target and for relations like parents there can’t be anything close as perfection other than themselves. I can’t find adjectives to describe what these relation means for a child.

It’s been long since I wrote anything but today it became as vital as breakfast you used to make for me before I leave home. Should I call you a spoiler? Even if it is like that it never can beat the kind of feelings I had grown for you over the time.

Can you imagine me staying away from you? I didn’t for at least last few days were like a real fast track ride. I had no idea what’s happening. I missed everyone and that too intensely but it didn’t make my life wait for a second, it kept on moving like a never ending road and I was moving on that road, doing stuff like fulfilling bare necessities but now I am afraid, as afraid as I used to get of thundering and lightning.

I want to hold myself for a second and set my focus straight. Am I changing? By any means, I am just afraid I might lose myself in these incidents. With you my imagination was so strong I felt like a dragon who has this urge to fly in every season, to see wounded and healed ones, to cure them, to achieve, exhibit, see mountains and water and everything that felt great to us. It felt pretty much possible with you. But now it seems I need to revise what I want from life or may be life demanding changes from me.

I want to remain the same person I used to be and you are the only person who can assure me of that, who can testify my originality. It’s so weird that I am not with you, someone who knows everything about me.

Who knew my every state? At times this word scares me: ‘Ammi’ . I want to read you, read this word.

How you felt during all that time your journey started: from being single to married then to become a mother.

How you might have felt leaving your routine life and accepting new. I wish you wrote a book for us or some guidelines. Or is this a possibility that we both knit an altogether different story?

It scares me to even think how you might be feeling sending me away from you. I cannot fathom a bit how mothers can do that. Because for me I see everything as a symbol that reminds me of you.

Life doesn’t stop for a second but it completely molds us in shapes we thought we can’t fit in.

And later on we feel so adjusted into it. Tell me! Isn’t this unfair.

These changes: we always hoped to bring positives and may be our life can’t be any better than what we are living but I want to miss you always and keep you in mind no matter what I do because you are a partner who knows me so well, who kept all my secrets, who taught me little thing as granular as brushing teeth. You really worked hard on us. I can’t thank you enough.

But somehow, I get a feeling I raised as a very mysterious person. Things that I thought I CANT do, I am doing them. This flexibility is surprising, very surprising as sudden tickling of rain from the sky that wets you and changes your mood, brightens your day and as hard as sun shines making every detail of your skin evident and treats it harshly as being stabbed.

Ammi I want you to tell me that ‘life isn’t hard, it isn’t tough’ like you used to say to please me, to bring me at ease. Let me tell you ‘it worked’. Sometime positivity oozing out of a trusted one relaxes you, no matter if life holds a storm ahead. Tell me that life is as easy as eating a piece of cake with layers of almonds, caramel and pear. It melts down in mouth, down through the throat making us happy, excited and endear.

From your ever loving daughter who fell down suddenly and got up to search for you.

February

2013-02-13T21:36:00.002-08:00

Along comes the month of February one more sweet time,

Basked in the warmth of a radiant sun, an all new shine…

Amid the whiff of spring and spirit, blooming flowers and hearty laughs,

Along comes the month of February, to once more make you mine…

------

Our love was flying

Our love was soaring
Our love was shining
Like a summer morning

Our love was static

our love was greedy

our love was glued

like constellation of star gleaming

our love was silence

our love was serene

our love was rhythmic

like oceans of dreams

our love is power

our love is magic

our love is soul

of life endearing

----

Untitled Days

2013-02-12T00:07:00.001-08:00

It seems dryness on my skin is fading away which safely concludes weather here is changing, at times I fail to figure out which one suits me the most. In last few months I have been through a very different voyage of discovery, trying to figure out meaning of everything to least concerned about anything.

Is this what they say about being childish to growing up mature? As soon as your horizon expands you become more of a center of attention for your own self. Lately I got a chance to see people who try to unfold miseries related to you that you aren’t looking at even. I fail to decide whether being judgmental would help here or not. Giving positive notion to every action doesn’t seem appropriate but it saves me from a lot of hassle. ‘I-don’t-care’ attitude is ruling it seems.

It seems I am living in a pretty naive world where nothing is making any sense to me and one by one I am conquering stages of life. Few days back I heard a guy talking to another that life is important but money is not. He lost his daughter who had measles.Even I had measles when I was a kid who thought this would become life threatening disease for someone.

May be he means life is now so celebrate it now; whereas most of us keep preparing ourselves to face challenges ahead. Both of the things are correct. Happiness is not only about hanging out, trying wild things, watching movies, reckless nonstop chattering. It seems people are too reckless to stop for a while. Or maybe that’s how money buys happiness. Happiness can be sitting in front of a heater or tucked in a blanket under arms of your mom’s or a loved one listening to old stories. Does it count as happiness too? It seems I have stopped counting good or bad times so when someone asks me ‘how have you been’? I say pretty good without considering if it was good bad or ok.

Life is going pretty straight these days with having everything around but no attempt to arrange jigsaw puzzles scattered in front of me. These kind of things don’t seem to influence my mind any more. I am more static nowadays not putting extra burden on my mind just living it the way most of us live. Like a kite tied with a thread moving on sky taking strange turns and curves but somehow someone managed to keep it on sky until dawn that makes it disappear to eyes.

What up these days people? Anything worth sharing ? =)

You are Amazing...

2012-12-08T03:22:00.001-08:00

You are fire like …

Fire like something raising hues and bursts

Into smoke and dusts

You are subtle like …

Morning covered in haze

And setting all quenching eyes, beaming in glare

You are pinching piece of dusk …

Coveted by silence, endured with husk

Like a nomad in rush

You are stone like …

Strong as sword, hunting the crimson

Staunch like season, making numb and baffled

You pass like weather holding trail of treason

You are magician like…

Changing seconds to hour

Bringing the goodness out of sore

Giving the balm to conflicted hours

You are amazing

You are amazing to be touched

You are amazing to be wished

You are amazing to be kept

You are amazing to be left…

all those days watching from the windows

2012-11-27T02:00:00.003-08:00

Winters are approaching slowly but surely.I start my day in hustle like always; always forgetting things, always taking notes. My life now a days seems to be preparing something for me ahead. Its busy but keeping me busy always. Winds started to smack me around my neck so I swapped my scarf to protect it and focus.

I walk slowly across the streets observing and making plans. For brevity sake I don’t react much. I keep it all low. But sometimes as if there is a need. As I move forwards there is something holding me back and I feel responsible as if I could have protected, could have saved, could have … is poisonous. It makes you forget that master planner works more apace than my futile imagination and whatsoever keeps my mind busy.

These days I am making peace with myself and bring forth positive outlook towards everything. I see my active bones got rusty for some very shadowy reasons. I had goals, creativity that amused me but for some odd reason I was on break. There are only few people in this world who can understand you even without asking much, just looking deep into your eyes. There are few magicians in this world they don’t hold you tight they let you go freely. But I felt boundaries across me and have temptation to be at another side. I wanted to be safe but I couldn't save much. Its not that i lost something but I didn't gain wisdom to fight well.

I am taking in positive energies. We have got one life how can we spend it without any achievement whether it is winning someone’s heart, effective career or social work.

I thought of deleting my Blog but this can be a for no reason step for me. May be I don’t need to broadcast my thoughts any more and break all connection that may lead to abrasion.

I am just trying to take participation rather than to be a spectator.

I was listening to tangled ‘All those days’. My love for this cannot go down J

It depicts part of my personality not fairy tales but looking beyond walls. Though I would like to land back where I wanted to or where I belong to.

What is keeping you busy these days, Have you gone through similar state?

Photographs

2012-11-05T23:10:00.001-08:00

Photograph is the most acceptable and unnatural way of capturing moments. For those who don’t rely on their brain for long or those who want to have evidence and make it testimony of the event for later, or those who don’t have photographic memory. Sometimes I find them surreal as if picture painted in front of your eyes where you want to find your own character and always like to brush something missing with your own stroke. Now they have tools for it.

Photographs remind me of the class in fact classification of people. Like a family of three from old times: a husband wife and a kid, all set like a poll not even slight flutter of eyes , almost stopping to breath hence almost looking like victim of oppression. Then this oppression slightly got loosened up a bit. Now they will stand with their hands wrapped up in utmost respect talking about the genre they belong too.

When I compare photos of now with then I feel there is a sky-earth difference between the two. Now it seems people are controlling their lives. Smiling which at times looks unreal but attractive. But a person of that age keeps a very eloquent eye guessing real over unnatural.

I also asked him to take a picture. Firstly I stood there like a robot, he asked me to smile.

I questioned myself if smile essential for a photo to look nice. I heard him saying it gives you multitude of chances and memories to cherish .Confused by his response I curved a bit right but far cry from a heartily smile; it makes me look bad.

Then he ran towards where I stood at a distance with the sun rays shining directly upon him, almost making his face go invisible and blade like rays or oasis of his emotions, enhancing untold mysteries and stories on his face.

But he maintained a smile very jovial as if he is there where he is meant to be. While I moved a bit more to see what it holds behind bars I heard a click!!!

I thought a real moment was captured then.

I am listening to payphone by maroon5 for some very odd reason. My headphones are sticking to my ears for this one.

Time Is Now

2012-11-02T02:46:00.005-07:00

Somebody told me that I am inclined towards pessimism. Very opposite to what I hear from most of the people but it never hurts. In fact a lot of things now pass by me like seasons, like the old leaves making their last visit to crumbs and then towards heaven. As I see them swept down by a man ruthlessly I wonder how futuristic I have been:’ Thinking about tomorrow’.

Thinking about tomorrow isn’t a bad idea as long as you know you have bindings and strings that leads to past and present but this is how we are raised; when in school - think about college, in college think about high schools and list goes on higher trend. In this course of events I somehow couldn’t keep track of my present. No matter how bold words are written on the cardboard ‘THE TIME IS NOW’. It didn’t affect me at all.

It seems I am on a mission of whose boundary I lost track of. All of passion has bent and drooped down by immense thinking process of which I am unfortunately a habitat.

But may be trend would change now. Like many other things that changes with time, like every new season brings about new vents. At times narrower makes your breathing difficult, at times lifelike butterflies fluttering here and there in both beauty and gay. Making everything look subtle even flaws on cheeks that make it look reddish but oozing happiness.

Season is more powerful than any preparations so I am learning the inline message here. I don’t have under the belt experience but when it comes, it never asks for preparations, shakes you with whatever is written in the destiny.

I always cared about tomorrow without assimilating what I am missing before that. But seasons makes me wonder what if tomorrow never comes…What if!!!

So make best out of what you have, of what you are surrounded by, of love and emotions, of joys and tears.Rhetoric but make sense.

I did realize that I completed 100 posts. Knowing my consistency I deem it as an achievement. So I would definitely try and write something special. This blog has many strings towards many events and memories I hold both dear and close. Let see what this season brings. I do hope all whosoever visited here, visiting now and will visit are having good time of their lives.

Take care =]

Boast Of Quietness

2012-10-05T12:18:00.003-07:00

Writings of light assault the darkness, more prodigious than meteors.
The tall unknowable city takes over the countryside.
Sure of my life and my death, I observe the ambitious and would like to understand them.
Their day is greedy as a lariat in the air.
Their night is a rest from the rage within steel, quick to attack.
They speak of humanity.
My humanity is in feeling we are all voices of the same poverty.
They speak of homeland.
My homeland is the rhythm of a guitar, a few portraits, an old sword,
the willow grove’s visible prayer as evening falls.
Time is living me.
More silent than my shadow, I pass through the loftily covetous multitude.
They are indispensable, singular, worthy of tomorrow.
My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn’t expect to
arrive.

- Jorge Luis Borges

100 Words

2012-10-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

He was moving that day like a whirlpool near window from where I could see every minute detail as vein on the leaves, paw of chirping birds, even the dampness on his face. This happens once a while describing purity of emotions when everything else looks miniscule in bigger picture but what remains is the hand full of memories we soak in sunny days and keep them for inundated warmth. I fear those days may never intercept. Sometimes it’s difficult to choose from ocean of pearl, once you pick, taking care becomes eternity and eternity never is possible.

Blood and Beyond

2012-08-29T03:55:00.000-07:00

As the day started I had nothing sorted in my mind as usual; also my hair tangled, floating on my face like some drooped branches in sea moving with wind flow. I sack them near my shoulder but they got entwined around my hand bag. I simply ignore and move forward. Sit and ready to tread the usual path. As soon as I sit I began to remember things that I left back home. I will think of them, find alternative and in any case let it go as well. I reach near lab and stood inside like a person whose mug shot taken and who is ready for inquiry. I drop necessary details and sit in the queue. At this time, its looks like a forlorn cause to reach desk. So I started noticing people. Best thing about this unison is the same energy most of us exhibit. Like a crowd listening to some chant and gearing up with more people coming in. We all are keeping an extra eye one each other and ignorance in eyes. I finally get to the desk; get few droplets of blood extracted from my body. I fear no pain not even the consequences. I walk by as I see people looking at me. May be I am getting used to it.

Mind Game

2012-08-28T05:37:00.000-07:00

I can feel the heat spanning over my body and heating my brain enough to make me feel spiny head.

There is a feel, a tooth is budding inside but I am unable to feel that pain, instead my mind is working like a type writer and so I prefer to avoid any noise created by my hand. This internal noise is causing me restless, making me think about everything at once, even about how my feet jolts and I consciously try to stop it. Then I wonder if any moment went unnoticed in my brain, in that case I will start again. Right from the beginning, this typewriter thing.

--tick tick and my mind goes to follow the noise, same pattern is repeated again. Sometimes patterns don't matter, concentration does. And this outside silence is helping me out to concentrate on the internal noise. Like a spider inside a cobweb, battling in so many strings.

25 & Above

2012-07-29T13:09:00.002-07:00

Its 12 am sharp on my clock and Monday has already started in this region. Getting up on Monday and to perform is definitely one big task that we do every week. So what’s that reason which compelled me to be here and flip the coin, think about a very nicely knitted statement and write it down to win heart of many and get appreciation too?

Well because I am lucky enough to find one reader who can actually relate to my abstract writing here and who visits me without getting any benefit or providing any benefit or being caustic and curious about my statement that I write in another state or specific state of mind.

So yes I am writing for her and people like her.

Second thing that is bickering with my sleep at the moment is the topic to write about. Well literally speaking I don’t have any topic instead certain ramblings. So let’s see how this post turns out to be.

I remember my father sitting on sofa talking to his friends and family, taking pride in me and my achievement. Well achievement is a relative term so yes! I have achieved a lot in my life by the grace of GodJ .

He is talking about my long prostrating state (Sajida) that is bending down before God. And me getting embarrassed and amused by his statement. He says : it’s all because she stays in Sajda and prays a lot.

It was when I was in matric and studies were a big headache in fact a matter that can give me heartache.

Today I am a professional. I am in a similar state not intentionally but because I was remembering that statement by heart. And let me tell you situation is definitely different here.

Then I perhaps was thinking how my life would be, will I become an engineer, will I top the board this time around, will I be able to buy my own car, how long my parents would live with me, would I be left alone ever, etc etc.

Right now I am thinking : what the hell I am doing with my life, if that’s what I was here for, will I go to heavens, what if I die tomorrow, what my life would be when I am married and settling in new family etc etc. In both states I was thinking about myself with a mild set of differences.

Then I felt I am here to achieve a lot and I need to plan. Now I am standing at a reasonable position if not ideal and I am 25 now. What else I need to do? I wonder…

Now a days, I have plenty of time to think--- think, back space, remove it, re think then re- think and think re think and so on.

Change: I am thinking about the word “change”. You will hear this word a lot, quite often from people of this age. You realize that your life changes when you are out of your comfort zone (or I may call it a shell you lived in) so there can be a difference of 1` year or two.

For maximum years in my life I stayed with people who I knew from a long time. From school, college and university. But now I am here where I knew no one and most importantly I saw people with different mind sets, different attributes, you see they are performing better than you and people like me getting under confident that they know nothing. You find hard to express yourself. So I am in that state where I am regaining my lost confidence. It takes a lot from you but it gives you a lot too. You realize that life is a big give and take process ( A lot of people will disagree but here we are for tests so lets be prepared) .

But now since I am just giving time to myself and I have no one around to share my time with. I got a chance to realize a lot of things.

There are people who don’t lie even if it is about coming late to office. There are people who think that they will die ultimately so it’s better to cultivate something good. There are people who don’t waste their money instead they share. At the same time you will see people who snub their maids. DO badly with them and go easy about this act. There are people who will deliberately hurt you. There are people who will stare at you until you are out of reach in their eyes. There are people who smoke, take drugs and try to look cool. You will start back biting about your closest ones because they did bad to you and so on…

Ultimately your life becomes hollow. You will see aunties talking about your almost going age. Then they will start chasing you like your own shadow. If they end up owning you then good otherwise you will be targeted.

You will get sick at the age of 25. Seriously. Not for once but for many times. Your doctor will advise you to take care of yourself like you take care of your newly born kid. You will understand that health was the absolute precious blessing and you took it for granted.

You might fell in love and think that you have found a person who will bear your odd tantrums. But truth is its equal give and take. And you won’t calculate what you give and take or you might hence resulting in few of these things: Half of the women will whine about their not so happening marriage/relation, other half will work hard to make it better and some they wont care and find news ways to treat themselves better.

You will start finding meaning of your life. And some of you will reach closer to your religion. You will touch it and taste it. You will find it sour then you will touch it; you will feel the pain; you will re touch it and you will understand the ways to handle it.

And ultimately that’s the only thing giving you peace as if you drank a cold glass of water after exhibiting so much of heat. Religion will make you numb for days. You will stay awe inspired by words of your lord. You will make your ways better; pray a lot because he gave you a lot. You will start relating your life and once you do that, it brings another dimension to your life. You become fearless, inquisitive, ashamed, alarmed but it happens once a while. It brings a lot on track, it becomes season for some. And some fear reading anything that may result changing their life style and again bring them out of your comfort zone.

I am in a similar phase. Closer to something but keep moving back and forth. Let see what new morning brings for me. We live in a world where faces like me are in tyranny. Where faces like me have everything still striving for something. I am in world where I am vulnerable to disease, humiliation, hatred, being ignored, happy,sad,loved and what not. The only difference this time I am closer to something may be.

Happy Ramdan to all Muslims. May Allah bless us with understanding of religion, to save ourselves from fire and understand the real purpose of life.

Take a very good care.

Yours truly, albeit a blogger from far off place, a fellow human being.

Empty Hours

2012-07-15T10:11:00.002-07:00

Long hours sitting at one place, observing same patterns every day, same bird roaming over the bushes I gaze daily, made this ongoing hour empty. With every passing day I realize the importance of bringing a change in life. Empty hours are enjoyable but sometimes very dangerous. It makes you pop into every minute detail which has gone, happened some time ago or about to come. I am also stuck somewhere like a person strangled in bushes who wants to hold on but to fly away and come back to get bound again. Like a person who wants to see what’s there against the wall but whose power is indebted to others. An empty hour highlights the middle phase of life, no matter how easy or difficult start or end was. It highlights what could have been done, what slipped by your hand and what’s done. Empty hour not always spread negativity but sometimes promises a new beginning. A beginning within a beginning, no matter how uncertain middle phase is.

Time is changing like clouds chasing the sky

Sometimes above your head, sometime beyond my spy

This change has brought new relations and love

New stories of affiliation may also bud

But one thing never changes in this whole spur

The dreams I saw, the dreams I revere.

125 Words - Purpose

2012-06-25T06:58:00.001-07:00

Few words frittered in my ears and I wondered what the purpose behind it is. Will I become a guardian holding a beacon in hand; lighting every vein running with hope, humor, sadness or happiness or become a prey to something absurd without having to feel the real nuance of it. What would it be like to plough the seed of happiness and shut the world for me or become a growing seed of the balcony? Today I wondered if I will bring a change or end up changing myself like the person who met me after ages; gazing deeper into my eyes; finding something; something which was there. Wanted to tell me the lane was switched but ended up saying ‘do you know me?’

Miss Sensitive

2012-05-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am sensitive and it appears to be a solid reason to hate myself at the moment. No serious! And you are lucky to have people around you who would upsurge your sensitivity and sit around the chamber looking at you like something antique presented after ages.

It is quite strange that I was forced by myself to write something about me and stranger is that, I couldn’t fight it. There were times when I would win this battle no matter how strong the need was. There comes a point in life when you think whatever you did makes some sense in bigger picture of life but later on you might find out that you have been blindly following a cusp. You knew it is meant to be an intersection but you didn’t know how strong it is.

As a child I had fantasies, dreams of having a family that I am proud of and most importantly a family proud of me. People who are pure, selfless and extremely protective towards your happiness, I wanted to have friends who could make me laugh, an (unfortunate-since I hate myself) partner who would guess what I was about to say, how could I react in certain cases. In short a complete psychic.

But truth appeared so tardily that never did justice. I was happy but was perusing happiness in others life. I was contended, independent but wanted people to support me. These all stupidity ultimately opens up your eyes and you start hating yourself.

Only those people can understand who are sensitive because ultimately it’s a crime; somewhere in your life you would disappoint your family for others; just being protective for others but that broken hatchet is going to be with your entire life.

Then you would support family in front of others and you would see how possessive you have become for your own self.

I was wondering today; is it really hard to hide somebody else’s weakness or giving a balm to unprotected area? Is it that difficult that you cannot trust anyone because whosoever you are going to trust would come out to be a person who had own values, beliefs may be someone who can clearly state you being extra emotional and sensitive ; hence leaving you deserted for as many days as possible.

Today I had a deep dive; you must be wondering where. I can’t really tell you but to be honest it’s the same state as to be in pre-operation. Dr comes and sits closer to you; holds your hand; check veins then beats; asks you if you are tensed?

You without even thinking about consequences nod your head…

He will take some extra cautions; does whatever can be done at that very moment and you would look at him like a tired passenger who is not curious; who doesn’t even know what it means to be in pre-op who is just waiting at the station… to be taken care of; not about the consequences remember but about the uncertainty.

He wants to move on … lights are right in front of you; glaring your eyes above your head; you could see people walking just around and about you … you are not curious to see their faces even; you are looking at the clock.

Someone comes upfront removes his masks and says remember me … you say yes I am alive and then when you open your eyes you experience the consequences.

We have strong faith at our creator; no trust me; if you see people closing their eyes and doing crazy things they had a contract signed by him, or a promise because being stubborn is no option on this planet.

If you find people who are psychic and most importantly they don’t have competition with you hold them forever because otherwise you will keep finding missing gaps and holes in every one's life of so many things like someone’s loss, being sensitive and how many times did you cry, Happiness, support and strangely people deliver everything with a smile when it comes to filling up that hole.

Since I am out of writing thingy from a long time so I know it’s even harder for me to keep my normal flow. Sensitivity is over in pre –op. So have a wonderful life. Best thing about being sensitive is the time when it withers away.

Smiles :)

~ Let the rain comes and wash away my fears ~

2012-05-25T12:48:00.002-07:00

The line on your face carved by nature

Pronounced things I never can measure

The smile on your face is my hidden treasure

What goes between the lines, abysmal of thoughts!

And if dust triggers or covers this whoop

We will disintegrate and burn into loop

Higher and higher ashes will bloom…

And we will wait for the rain with our closed eyes

Or let the drop fizzle every teary eyed

We will sit around the corner and wait for the dawn

Heard it happens when every coin turned

My Day

2012-04-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

Rushing towards office I see my bones are cracking up and screaming not to enter the room but somehow I managed to enter inside. In front of my eyes they somehow have poured a curtain; all I can see is dimness of time and people moving away and coming inside. I see their shoes; check if they had time to clean the dust over them; then I move towards my screen. I click here and there. And I click again. The voice of which is like swaying a sword into my ears but it’s important to check if my mind is active otherwise I pledge to start my next day better and that's how life moves on.