My Son's Wings

It was real

2012-12-04T00:42:00.000-08:00

I look at a picture of my son. I lift my shirt and trace my finger tips over the stretch marked skin on my stomach. I stare off into space and I can hardly believe any of this was even real. I re-read facebook posts from 2010 and every part of me shatters all over again.

This was real. I have gone two seasons with out blogging. It is bottled up. Blogging saved my life.

I am confused as to what healing is and what I need to do.

I stay so busy, unintentionally. I can hardly determine whether I am doing well and healing or just too busy to grieve and even think about anything.

There is certainly never more than a few hours where my son is not spoken of. I think about him all the time. A few hours will pass and he will not cross my mind and when he does, my world stops and I just take a few seconds and admire him in my thoughts. I will come across a photo of him and my heart stops and I feel a real physical pain in my chest and a sting in my finger tips.

I have indulged in business and love and service and finding myself.

My life for the past 2 years has been everything but easy but it has always been so full of love. I always find a way to manage and make things work. I am finding the perfect balance of not taking life so seriously, but cherishing it and holding it close at the same time.

Everyone says they are amazed at how well Ive dealt with my son passing away and how much good I have done. As if they could never do what I have done and even go as far as saying "I could never live without my baby. I love him too much. You must be much stronger than I am." While those are very nice things to say, I dont exactly take offense to them but I do want people to know how horrible and hard this was for me and that there is just some kind of hope given to us that saves our lives. It was never easy for me and I nearly killed myself. I say these things and tell my story over and over again because somewhere out there, a newly bereaved mother is going to read my blog and may think she is not doing good because she doens't have the energy to honor her child right now or to do anything positive in her child's name or even go on with life right now.

I swear to you I have been there. Just go back and read my first posts after Max passed away. I want everyone to know that it gets better. and that it is okay to be miserable and do what ever it is that you need to do right now. I didnt just lose my son one day and the next day decide Im going to do a bunch of great things in his name. It didnt happen that way and I went through the most trecherous, horrbile, and even physical pain. That stuff takes time and there is absolutely no time frame or schedule or anything!

It is amazing how so many of my prayers have been answered and how such little things arent so painful anymore. I remember ANY time I was asked about my tattoos or if I had kids or anything related to Max, my heart would drop and it was like at that moment, the entire universe just shouted in my face, "Oh yea, your baby died!"

Now I seriously love talking about Max and I have no problem doing so. I chat with other moms all the time and share my experiences and I know I have been helpful to many of my friends and clients.

My baby lived. He was the sweetest, most addicting, and happy little boy. In his presense you could truly feel his soul. The sweetest little soul. He has changed so many lives. Though I can talk about him and share his life and look at his things much easier now, there will always be those moments where everything is relived and 10x more painful and hits you all over again. Though these moments are more comforting now because I can get so caught up in this busy lifestyle, I need to remember I am human still.

I have had this blog for almost 2 years now. I never thought I'd be here. I encourage you to go back to my previous posts, from when I first started this blog, and follow our journey from the beginning and look at how for we've come and how many great things my little boy has done.

One thing I have learned about myself is that I am a damn good mother and I always will be. To Max and to my future babies. I re-read older posts and I think, how the hell did I get through that? Not knowing if my baby was going to make it. I was so in love with him and attatched to him. How did I handle being a heart mom. Tons of medications every day, never knowing what was going to happen next. We stayed busy with doctor appointments all over and many hospital visits but we still connected with our son and had the strongest bond and made sure he had everything.

The first year, I couldnt even fathom the thought of having another child. The idea alone made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even handle being around other babies and children. I ruined every holiday event for our families. I cried at every event. I stepped foot in the door at Max's grandparents house on Easter day and immediately started sobbing. I made it through all of this. I can enjoy family events now and I love the thought of having another child some day. I just cant believe how far Ive come thanks to my precious baby boy and the Lord and every thing else out there that has given me guidance and strength.

My personal life lately has been the most challenging so far since everything. I fell in love for the first time since my son's father. I finally found someone to give all of this love I had built up to. I felt like I was happier and starting to heal and I found myself not so attatched to Max's bear and his blankeys and his clothes and I became attatched to this love. I ended up getting hurt really bad in this love and that is what I am dealing with right now. but it has also only shown me what I have to offer because of my son! I have such a huge, honest, and devoted amount of love to give. I can love so much and give someone everything. My son gave me the ability to love unconditionally and without fear and doubt and endlessly. I will find someone who is deserving of such a strong and pure love one day. I am in no rush. I am just so thankful that I am who I am because of my precious little man, Max.

I also am just so thankful I have been given the ability to realize things could be so much worse. I appreciate everything and I dwell over nothing. My time is precious and I hardly allow myself to stress over such little things. I am just so thankful for my baby and how differently I am able to SEE, thanks to him!

Also, an update on Max's headstone! It is in! I wasn't notified that it was done, I didnt get any updates and the back design wasn't even finished. I am still getting those details worked out with the designer but reguardless it is beautiful and I am so happy and thankful that it is there and that my son's name stands some where on something so beautiful that shows who he was and what reminds us of him.

Also, if you remember my post on Pregnancy and Infantloss awareness month in October of 2011, I got to meet little Jaron's new baby sister! Meet the beautiful rainbow baby, Madden! She is soo sweet! I think she looks a lot like Max! and she was born on NOVEMBER 14th!!! NO Im not joking! If you know us you know that the number 14 is tattooed on my body 3 times and that I see that number everywhere and that it is an amazing and super significant number and sign to me that I see every day! I got a call at 2:30am from Krystal, telling me her water broke and she was heading to the hospital! I couldnt believe it! November 14th! We joked about how crazy it would be if she too was born on the 14th, as her big sister's birthday is April 14th and Jarons funeral was on October 14th!

This little girl is SO special! She was in the NICU at RMH for 2 weeks! The same NICU where Max was for 1 month! We got to go see her twice and we were even able to stay in the guest center, the same place where we lived for a month! It was so emotional but I handled it so well and I loved spending time with this little girl. Going back to the NICU was bitter sweet! It brought back so many beautiful memories! This little girl means so much to me!

Thank you everyone for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers always and thank you for helping me share about my son and helping me survive this journey! I am so thankful for the support I have been given! I couldnt do it without everyone!

Keep updated for more CHD awareness T shirts for Max's 2nd Angelversary!!!! <3

Stronger

2012-05-28T22:00:00.003-07:00

Oh the changes I have had to make, the things I have had to adapt to.

I didn't ask for this.

I never knew I could handle any of this and I barely did.

Before my own child died, I knew of a few people that had lost their children. When I looked at them, all I could help but think to myself is,
"How are they smiling?"
"Their child is dead, how are they even living right now?"
"I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle that!"
"If my child died, I would just simply die too."

These are the things that people now say to me and must think amongst themselves too.

"Omg that is SO sad."
"Oh I just couldn't do it!"
"You are SO strong! I could NEVER do that!"

As if I chose this.

The truth is, life does go on. Maybe not the life we imagined, our worst nightmare even, but some how we become stronger every day.

Before, even the thought of any of my family members dying, was quickly swept away by, "oh I'd just die too."

End of story.

When I first learned that my son was going to die, I had a plan. I would easily dive head first off the hospital balcony and hope I'd die too.

The day came, and I was surrounded by so much love and so many family members. My body went into a shock from that moment on and for the next few months even. This is what saved my own life. My body knew exactly what to do, and released some type of chemicals in my brain, so I did not feel the full on effect of the HORRIBLE, UNNATURAL, THEFT of my brand new BABY! Who I just held for 4 amazing months in my arms, and who I carried and protected for 41.6 weeks of pregnancy! The bond my son and I had created before he even took his first breath of air, something I can't explain.

I miss him so much. Nothing has ever felt so right for me. Nothing has ever felt as natural and as perfect as being Max's mom. It has been 1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks and 4 days since I held my precious baby boy. I NEVER thought I'd be here right now. I thought surely I'd be gone by now too. Some how, I kept pushing forward, and I've become stronger without even realizing it half of the time.

The first year after losing my whole world, I would have these painful attacks nearly every night. I would lye in bed and I could feel it coming on. My thoughts, my brain, reminding me that my son is GONE and that I am ALONE in my bed, forcing me to look over at his empty crib. I was so excited for that crib! I put so much time into his nursery theme and spent a fortune on his beautiful organic, safari bedding. I thought that was the hardest decision I'd had to make yet!

These attacks caused my stomach to turn, I would curl over on my side in physical pain. I would sob as silently as I could, but sometimes my body just had to let out these painful, howling screams. My worst nightmare, a reality. Still so new to this. Still trying to find a new normal in a world where everything I have been preparing for and hoping for the last year is gone! Where this beautiful little person who I fell in love with, was just TAKEN from me!

Some nights, I felt the beginning signs of a huge crying spell coming on, and I would have to ignore it. I would have to change my thoughts and try to focus on something else or just go to sleep. My PTSD also made my envision horrible, random things. Absolutely nothing related to my son's death, just everything painful that I may have ever heard or seen in my life, I would have flashes of at night. to the point where I drove myself insane! I constantly day dreamed of my own death and when I would see my baby again. If God would forgive me for killing myself. I wrote dozens of suicide notes and in my journal I left a guide on what I wanted done with mine and my son's things, and where I wanted to go.

The sounds of my horrific, late night howling, still haunts me. I remember that pain, so raw and real.

It has been over a year, and these painful, sleepless nights have lessened. My PTSD has decreased significantly.

I am getting stronger.

but I am still SO HURT, BROKEN, and trying to learn how to live my life.

Over the last year I have found many little things to occupy my time. I have also some how, learned how to look at the positive side of almost everything!

I have felt real, raw, helpless, agonizing, and physical pain from this. I know now, that little things, are as they are, little things! I know now, that it could be so much worse.

Some how, I have learned to think of my son and smile. vs. hating the world because he can't be here.

Some how, I have learned to look at an innocent child's face, and see my son's precious soul. vs. being jealous of them, and asking why they get to be here and not my son.

Some how, I have learned how to tolerate selfish people, oblivious people and completely rude and obnoxious people and reactions. I have realized not everyone has suffered such a huge loss and it's irrational of me to set expectations for anyone.

Some how, I have learned to love and see the world, as if my son is apart of everything beautiful and good!

and some how, I still have days where I completely forget about all of this and absolutely hate the world and want NOTHING but my precious baby boy back. but these days are coming of less and less, but I am absolutely STILL authorized to them, whenever the hell they decide to come on!

All in all, I feel like I am able to love so strong and so passionately now, because of the fight my son fought here. In everything that I do!

I have all this love for him. When you held him, you knew he was special. You couldn't help but love and appreciate everything else too.

I just want to give some hope, to anyone that may be suffering the most devastating loss, it does get better.
Not because it hurts any less, but because we become stronger! Push through, find something good to do for yourself and others, and you can fight through your pain! You can find some happiness again! We can remember our children and SMILE! We are still entitled to and WILL have our "bad" days!
We will never be "fixed" "cured" " just fine" or "back to normal again"! Not ever! but the days where we feel like there is no possibly way we can survive this, will lessen!

Another thing I would just like to share, is that I have been on this road 100% clean and sober.
I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and was diagnosed with clinical depression at 12 years old.
I almost had a drink the first month after we lost Max. I was still numb and felt like I wanted to drink, and was totally fine with it. I didn't end up drinking at all, thank God, and quickly realized that I was not in the right mind and that I would NEVER be okay with using any kind of substance again. It has been a struggle and still is, working through this completely feeling 100% of everything. I have also been on an anti-depressant in the past, which I stopped taking a few months before I got pregnant. (not related to max's congenital anomalies) I went to psych therapy and spoke with pastors and counselors who suggested a medication to ease my pain, but I decided against such and knew that I needed to feel these things to move forward. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if you need it, but it was an accomplishment for myself, to get through this without the assistance of anything but what I created for myself, which was healthy activities that give me focus!

To my baby, You are everything that I could have ever wanted. Momma is SO incredibly proud of you! When I think of you, I think of strength, sweetness, beauty, cuteness, silliness, happiness, pure joy and hope! You gave me a lifetime of happiness and love, in the time of a full term pregnancy and just 4 months in my arms. I could have not imagined a more beautiful baby, with such an amazing little personality. If mommy could just hold you once more, I'd give anything. but momma will hold you again one day. Thank you for fighting to be with mommy for such a while on this Earth! You were always so happy and smiling! Thank you for being so strong for momma! You have taught me so much my precious little man! Mommy loves you so incredibly much! Forever and ever, my baby you'll be <3
Love, momma

My girl. Still talks about Max so much every day! She wanted to take his photo and his teddy for show and tell last week! and she sure did! She even took his teddy to school one day without telling me! I searched all over the house for him! I panicked! So I decided to ask her if she knew where he was, and she calmly replied, "he's at school." LOL

Some how, this little woman remembers every detail about Max. She is so amazing, the best little auntie ever! Max is such a huge part of her and I see him in her so much! A few weeks ago she asked me, "When is Max coming home to his mommy?" It tore my heart into a million pieces because she just doesn't understand still. then she said, "how come Max doesn't have to go to the doctor anymore?" she answered herself, and said, "He's all better now." She must understand something.

We love you bubbas!

P.S. I can not express to you all how much your comments and emails have helped me through the past year. Please know that your words encourage me so much and I love receiving them! Please do not be afraid to comment here or email me with anything! xoxoxoxoxo

CHD Awareness Month: My CHD Angel and CHD AWARENESS T-SHIRTS

2012-02-03T02:29:00.000-08:00

The month of February is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness month.

Congenital Heart Defects: A malformation of the heart or the large blood vessels near the heart. The term "congenital" speaks only to time, not to causation; it means "born with" or "present at birth."

As many of you know, Max suffered from multiple CHDs. The disease that he most likely had, is called Alagille Syndrome or AGS. One of the symptoms of AGS can be heart defects. Children with AGS as well as heart defects, have a 30% chance of living to be 6 years old. Maddox's heart was very sick. All 4 of his heart valves were extremely small and narrow, especially his mitral valve. They called this stenosis, meaning narrow. This caused his heart to have to work much harder than it should have, to pump the blood through out his body. His valves were so small, that it was causing the blood to go the opposite direction because it just could not get through such a small opening. This caused Max's heart to work so hard, which lead to the muscle thickening. After 4 months of pumping so hard, trying to get blood through those tiny valves, his heart was tired out. The muscles were thick, stretched out, and had lost their elasticity. He fought so hard, and brought so much joy in that time he was here. Even when he was sick.

I AM ASKING YOU, the person reading this, to please share Max's story at least once today. With anyone. Just tell someone that he lived, and that he could no longer live because of his heart defect that he was born with. Tell someone about CHDs. It is time to spread awareness! Find something red today, anything red. A shirt, hair tie, bracelet, necklace, a bow, anything. This will resemble and honor children born with a CHD that could still be fighting or have grown their wings. THANK YOU!!!!!!!! <3

Last year, we had hundreds of people share their photos of themselves and their families wearing red to honor Max's heart and CHD awareness! This year we are ordering shirts to help fund CHD research through the Children's Heart Foundation!

Help us honor Max and all CHD Angels and warriors still fighting their battle! Please contact me to purchase your t-shirt and thank you all so much for helping us spread awareness!!!!

You can contact me through the following emails and numbers.
brookie_slus_75@hotmail.com
mdrphotography91410@hotmail.com
779-861-1569

You can purchase your shirt via paypal or if you are in the area you can get in contact with me. Both emails above are registered with paypal, so you can leave how many shirts and what sizes you'd like in the paypal note. Thank you all so much!!!!

This is me and Max's dad. Happy, pregnant, blissfully ignorant. I spent my pregnancy doing everything I could to prepare for this new life. I spent hours each day, for months, just trying to learn everything that I needed to know, making so many decisions and thinking about my many years I thought I would have ahead of me with my son. To parent him, teach him, love him, and care for him. Constantly reading up on what was safe for me to eat, breastfeeding tips, what products are safe, when to start solids, when to start weaning and potty training, and home school and all of these things that I didn't know I would never even get the chance. He wouldn't get the chance. I didn't think to prepare for devastation, heart break, watching your child suffer, giving your child 10 medications a day, infant CPR, hospitals, doctors, decisions, and death.

I want to go back to this. My baby was safe, healthy and happy inside of me. I had such a perfect pregnancy. I get so angry with myself for rushing it. My entire pregnancy all I wanted was for him to be here. I cried because I never thought he would come. If I would have known he was going to come and go so fast, I would have soaked up every single minute with him inside me, instead of begging for him to come. However, I am so thankful for having had such a healthy pregnancy. Was an amazing 41.6 weeks with my precious boy!

This is us. Me and Max. At this moment, I had no idea anything was wrong with him. I had no idea that when he went to the nursery, they would hear a heart murmur, and want to take him to Rockford. My poor guy had a rough time coming out because I just couldnt get him out from under my pelvic bone. I felt bad enough about that, but I was so thankful that he was finally here. A few hours after I delivered, they came and told us that on the ultrasound when I was still pregnant, they saw that he may have had a hypoplastic(small) kidney, which is a symptom of AGS (which we found out later). We were devastated that they even thought something was wrong, and when they told us they wanted to get him to Rockford asap, my heart shattered. They released me just a few hours after giving birth and we drove up to Rockford to be with our baby. I was 15 years old, I prepared and knew everything there was to know about pregnancy, birth, and a new baby. My whole world changed when I learned my baby had a broken heart!

This is Max in the NICU. We stayed there for 1 month and learned everything we needed to know about having a heart baby! We fell in love with our precious little boy, learned his personality, and all the special techniques we had to perform to keep him alive and as healthy as he could be. We learned how to use his monitor, how to insert his ng tube from his nose to his stomach, how to draw up and give him all of his meds, and what to do in case he has an arrest. All these things scared the hell out of me, but I never thought I would really lose him. Our mother baby bond was so perfect and strong. Especially when we finally established breastfeeding. I loved him so much. Breastfeeding him allowed me to feel like I was finally able to do something for him. With how sick he was, I was finally able to give him something he liked and something that was good for him. That is one thing that I miss the most about him. He was such a messy eater, but he was always so content afterwards. He was so perfect!!!!

We were home for a little over a month with our precious boy! The best days of our lives. He was so strong! We had a perfect routine of meds, eating, school, family, doctors appointments, and sleep. It was a perfect routine that we were 100% consistent with and it worked so well for us. We enjoyed life so much while we had our precious little man! Most people complain about the little normal things that normal healthy babies do. It makes me wonder what they would have done if they would have had a sick child, that required 10 times more care. I never even thought twice about it. It was 2nd nature to us then, and we just loved and cared for our baby!

This is Max, the night we made the final ER visit, and left for Rockford Memorial Hospital, not knowing that we would never return home with our baby alive. You can tell when a heart condition is worsening, when you start to notice rapid breathing movements, labored breathing, a grunt or noise with breathing, fluid in the lungs, purple lips, failure to thrive, and low o2 sats.

We only had 2 hospital visits in those 5 weeks home, before we paid our final ER visit and never returned home. As a heart parent, when they tell you you are getting transferred, it is the worst feeling because it means something is really not okay. Seemingly little things, were huge accomplishments for Max. Things like gaining weight, growing, breathing right, holding his head up, using his muscles, were all very difficult for him, but we did so much home therapy and worked with him so much. When he did take a step forward in his development, it was a big deal!!! We were so proud of him! He worked so hard to get to where he got, so when they told us he was sick again, it was devastating!

These photos are of the last 2 weeks we had with Max, while he was breathing on his own. He had just learned to smile and almost let out a giggle. He loved to play, he started to show an interest in toys, and he was so alert all the time. During this hospital stay, we made the best out it and tried to have fun and enjoy our baby and help him continue to grow and develop as much as he could in the hospital. But for some reason, he just could not get off of the oxygen. There were 3 times where they told us we were going home, then Max's o2 sats would drop again. This was devastating every time. We had to watch our baby get poked every day, our routine got messed up by a nurse who didnt follow our schedule, and it was really hard for us and to see Max like that when we thought everything was going okay. Finally, they decided that it was Max's heart that was filling his organs up with fluid, and causing him difficulty breathing. So they sent us to Hope Children's hospital in Oak Lawn, IL. Once again, we are devastated, and just want answers and RELIEF for our precious baby!

These photos are after we got transferred. Max was so tired and weak. I hated seeing him like that. My mom left that night and it was just me and Max alone in the hospital. Ron had a class back home that he had to attend and so he was coming the next day. Finally, Max's little heart gave out, and he went into cardiac arrest for the first time, which was the worst and scariest moment of my life. These were Maddox's last weeks.

During the time Max was intubated, my heart ached so bad. When he would cough, my chest would tighten up and I just wanted to take all the pain away for him. When he had to get poked, I would scream and cry and had to leave the room. I felt all of his pain too and I hate it so much that he had to experience this all! My baby suffered! As bad as I want him back, I know he is no longer suffering. That is the only thing I can take comfort in. Congenital Heart defects are so dangerous and bring so much pain! We need to spread awareness and continue to fund for research so we can learn more on how to save lives!

Our baby boy fought so hard! We went through weeks of hell. Being told that our son might not live to be 6 years old, to he might not be able to live for any more than a few months, to he could die any day now. Our baby was kept comfortable, but I could still tell he was fighting so hard to stay. It was his heart that failed him. He had other organ issues, but it was his heart that was the most defected. Max is 1 in 100,000 babies that did not live to see his first birthday. It is so hard for us every day, but I try to remember it was so hard for him, and he fought so hard to be with us, and he made us so happy and humbled us and made us better people! I know he would want us to continue to spread awareness to help other innocent lives like him! I am so proud of my precious little angel! He has truly changed so many lives and made a difference in this world!

Max, mommy loves you so much! I am so sorry that I couldn't fix your broken heart!!!! Mommy wishes you could be here and healthy, but that can not happen. Momma is so proud of you for fighting so hard! I am so thankful for you and for being able to hold you for as long as I did! We are so blessed to have had you in our arms for even just that short time. I feel you here with my still. I know I will see you again! Thank you for fighting so hard for momma and our family!!!!! We are all so proud of you!!!

I just wanted to share some of what Max went through and what our family went through with him. Heart defects are very serious and we need to continue to spread awareness for our future children's sake!

Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect worldwide
Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths worldwide
About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of Congenital Heart Defect in the United States (approx. 40,000/year)
Nearly twice as many children die from Congenital Heart Defects in the United States each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for Congenital Heart Defects
Each year worldwide 100,000 babies (under one year old) will not live to celebrate their first birthday
Each year in the United States approximately 4,000 babies (under one year old) will not live to celebrate their first birthday
The cost for inpatient surgery to repair Congenital Heart Defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year
Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward Congenital Heart Defect research
The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD
Though research is ongoing, at least 35 defects have now been identified
Although some babies will be diagnosed during gestation or at birth, sometimes the diagnosis is not made until days, weeks, months, or even years after. In some cases, CHD is not detected until adolescence or adulthood
It is a proven fact that the earlier CHD is detected and treated, it is more likely the affected child will survive and have less long term health complications

This Time Last Year

2011-12-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

Last Christmas was Max's 1st Christmas. We had so many visitors and hundreds of Christmas gifts. My mom and siblings brought their Christmas to the Ronald Mcdonald home, and we had Christmas there so we could all be with Max. His crib and his room was completely decked out in new toys, new blankeys, pictures and all! He had such a great first Christmas and managed to stay awake for so much of the day! All of our family came up, everyone adjusted their plans to be with our bubba! We are so thankful to have had such awesome family and friends to be with us while our little man was struggling to stay alive. Not one of us would have thought that he would be gone just 3 weeks after Christmas...

On December 27th, 2010

We had a big meeting with some of the top specialists in the world that had been working with Max and studying his body since we arrived at Hope Children's Hospital in Oak Lawn. They sat down, and slowly explained to us in a long drawn out process, that our son was going to die, and that it could happen in a few years, or a few months, and that he had a 30% chance of living to be 6 years old. I remember how devastated we were. Ron and his mom were in shock, and me and my mom just couldn't stop balling. I couldn't believe it. I was so sick I wanted to throw up I just could not handle it. In my head, I just told my self I would kill myself too. We thought we would at least get a few more months and years with him, and that we would do everything with him in that short time. We would go on a vacation and just do everything imaginable with our baby. We didn't think his life would end in a few weeks. We were told that we would prepare to get him healthy enough to take him home and have home hospice care and a 24 hour nurse. We thought that was the worst of it. We didn't think that he would not even be able to come off the ventilator. He had been working SO hard for so long. His poor little heart just couldn't do it. I am so incredibly proud of him for making it and living as long as he did. He was always so happy and everyone could just tell how special he was. Even before we knew he was going to die, he was different, he was so special, and gave you a special feeling.

Anyway, I don't remember much about this day. I remember the pain, and how devastated and sick I was from that moment on. I would take a nap in an upright position in the chair next to my baby's crib, and I would wake up and just scream! When I slept, I didn't have to be in the real world where my son was dying. I felt so horrible for sleeping so much after that news. I just couldn't help it. I just remember that part I hated was waking up to my reality, and realizing what was real all over again and just random moments of overwhelming tears, fear and devastation.

So after this news, we decided that we would prepare Max for an open heart surgery that would temporarily relieve the pressure in his heart. They tried to tell me that he may not survive this surgery, that he had a 10% chance of survival, but it wouldn't get through to me. In my mind, I couldnt handle any other way, and I was only thinking about myself, my pain without my baby. I did know it would be so painful for him, but it was just too painful to even think about letting him go with out trying this surgery. It was painful for everyone. There was no solution. Max became everyone's everything. and we lost him. and the thought of losing him before we lost him, and being told we were going to lose him, was the most devastating, painful feeling in the world. We had no control.

Sometimes it seems like the days leading up to the day we lost him were so much worse, and the news that we were going to lose him. I think that is because we had no preparation. My body had no idea what was about to be dropped on my heart that day of the meeting. I had no numbness. After Max passed away, my body has since, been numb. Sometimes it wears off. I don't take any sort of medication or use any sort of drugs. My body knew that losing my baby would be THE worst pain I would ever experience, and so the days leading up to him passing away, and after he passed away, I had built something. I dont know what it is but it allows me to survive. But I didn't have this when they told me he was going to die. So it was much different and so painful and I felt every bit of it. I am thankful for this numbness. It allows me to have a plastic smile and get through the day, with small moments of joy here and there. Underneath it all, I am the most devastated, broken person. But the numbness allows me to miss my baby in a graceful manner, vs. the howling, screaming moments in the middle of the night that I have when it wears off. Those moments are too needed and I supposed healthy for my grieving, but if I was in that pain all the time, (which I am, but my body takes over) I would be dead too.

Anyway, I am just so thankful for the time that I had with my precious little man. He couldn't have been a better son . He was so perfect. He had so much love to give. He was so different and special. I just love him so much and I am so sad and in so much pain because he had to go. But I also find it incredibly beautiful and amazing that he did what he was meant to do in this life, in such a short time. He brought so much joy in the short time he was here, and he still brings me joy. I just love this little boy so much and wish I could hold him again. My heart hurts, my arms hurt, my chest literally hurts. I want him here so bad. I just want to hold him. I just want him to be here and healthy but I know that I will have this one day. I am just trying to remember that this life doesn't last forever, but there is another one after this that does, and I will never have to feel this pain again. I can't wait to be with you again bubba! I love you! Merry Christmas sweetie! You are so loved!

Question and Answer

2011-11-27T04:39:00.000-08:00

Will be doing a Q&A blog for clients, family, friends, and anyone else who would just like to get to know me better! :)

CLICK HERE to submit your question

Feel free to ask me anything about myself, my son, congenital heart defects, photography, my family, relationships, and ANYTHING in general.

I thought this would be a fun way for everyone to get to know me better and for me to share more about myself.

You can submit your questions via formspring. You do not need a formspring account to ask a question. You may remain anonymous or state who you are. . Look forward to getting to know everyone better! :)

Also, to keep updated on my photos and business updates, you can add my photography profile as a friend HERE.

http://www.formspring.me/mdrphotography

Stronger and Thankful

2011-11-24T04:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

This time, last year, were the last few days we had at home with Max. On this day, he was just starting to get sick, but he showed no signs or symptoms until later this night. We spent thanksgiving week at Max's grandma's house, and just had a relaxing, laid back week! Here are a few photos of our boy on Thanksgiving, 2010!

Me holding Max's meds lol Look at daddy's hair! LOL

Max getting mad at momma!

Max admiring gramma!

Me, Max's daddy and Max's aunties

Little man, gramma got him this cute lil outfit!

So mad! Maybe poopin? haha

Gettin so mad, momma get off me! haha

As many of you know, the last three months have been some BUSY months. I can't believe I love photography this much, and am changing my major!

I feel like photography has helped me grow even stronger. My little man keeps me inspired, as I see him in everything. He is the beauty in all things. I see him in every precious child, in every sparkling eye! My Max is living through these children, and I am giving their parents something that I can only wish so badly that I had. I have so many beautiful photos of Max, but they are very difficult to print out, as they were taken with our phones or our old digital camera. We did not get a good camera until December, shortly after Max was intubated. The highest quality photos we have are the ones after he passed away. I don't mind hanging those up on the walls, they are absolutely stunning. I just wish I had a nice, quality photo of him smiling :'(

Anyway, my first few sessions were all little boys, around the same age as Max. All about to celebrate their 1st birthdays. I was so heart broken. I got angry and questioned myself, why am I doing this? This is only hurting me. Why do I care to give people photos that I will never get!? This only made me more jealous and angry that God took my baby, and didn't give me the thought or the resources to have special photos like this taken of my baby, when I was the one that was going to lose him! It was shortly after those moments of jealousy, anger, and devastation, that I realized... I realized this could be something good. I thought to myself, would I really wish this upon someone? To not be able to afford or find someone who can give them nice photos, and have them be left with nothing? Would it not be an honor to give someone photos that could mean sooo much more to them later on in life? Weeks later, I continued with booking photo sessions and my schedule for 2 months was fully booked! I had sessions nearly every day, some times multiple shoots a day. It was such hard work and I sure worked my ass off for making minimum wage(sometimes not even that). and I found that this is what I love to do, and that my little boy has given me so many signs and so much inspiration! I think this is what I am supposed to do. I still love and want to do nursing, but I have a few years to see where this road takes me, and for now, volunteer bereavement photography will help me serve and get my nurturing nursing needs fulfilled.

Today, I am not jealous of what beautiful, printed photos you may have of your children. But I am thankful that I have the privilege of capturing and processing them for you to have for the rest of your life! Thank you my sweet bubba!!!! Thank you for giving mommy such strength and encouragement! I could not have done this without you helping me!!!! I love you so much and I need you to keep helping momma and showing her the way!

I am also thankful to Amy Yonk with onsite photography, for taking our 5 generation family photos. Maddox was sick on this day, so we had to take him to a last minute doctor's visit, right before Amy arrived. We were rushed because of the doctor's appointment, but got back just in time for mommy to put some make up on and a nice sweater (notice the sweat pants) and take some photos of our family! You can view the photos here, and the password is Maddox (with a capital M)

I am also so very thankful for Todd Hochberg, who drove many miles and printed 2 whole photo albums full of pictures of our little angel, after he left his body! I could not believe the generosity of this man and the photos he took are simply amazing and beautiful! Maddox made a scary, sad thing, beautiful, and Todd captured that perfectly! Thank you so much Todd! You can visit Todd's website here and donate to help him with providing his services! I will be donating this Thanksgiving day, to thank Todd for everything he has done for our family!

(please do not save these photos to your computer unless I give you permission to do so)

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I will be going to a lunch this morning with Ron's family, and then we will be visiting Max, getting him so cute decorations for his resting place, and then we might stop and try to see Max's new baby cousin Ava! She is so precious!

Yes, she has giant, super long feet!!!

Ron wanted to take her home LOL

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2011-10-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the U.S. every year

*900,000 to 1 million of those end in pregnancy losses EVERY year.
*More than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage (occurring during the first 20 weeks). *Approximately 26,000 end in stillbirth (considered stillbirth after 20 weeks) *Approximately 19,000 end in infant death during the first month.
*Approximately 39,000 end in infant death during the first year.

.....Over 1,000,000 parents with empty arms in just the United States alone.

Break the Silence!

Today, I was so close to my son physically. It hurt so bad.

A woman from my area messaged me, after I had posted a status about infant loss. She told me she had just lost her son at 20 weeks pregnant, and she did not get to see him. She only had two blurry pictures. Her son's service was being held by the same funeral home Maddox's was, and he was also being buried right next to Max! There would be one sweet little boy separating them. Three boys in a row.

The fact that she didn't get to see him, and had wanted to, made my stomach turn! I immediately suggested if she wanted me to call the funeral home, to see if there was still time. She agreed, and found that her husband wanted to see him in the hospital, but was too afraid to upset her. They both wanted to see their sweet 6 inch angel, but did not want to hurt each other. So they both kept quiet about their desire, knowing they may regret this decision forever.

I made the call and the director was very discouraging and unsupportive of the idea. There supposedly was "not much to see" or would be to upsetting to the family. He exaggerated the size and smell of chemicals on the little boy. I told them this family is so passionate about seeing their sweet baby before they lay him to rest forever, and that they wanted some pictures of him, and with him. We set up a time Thursday for them to meet their baby. I told them I would go in before they did, to get some pictures first, and then show them their son through the camera first, to prepare them for what they were going to see. They were so nervous, yet thankful that they were given this chance! I felt so honored to be there and experience that with them!

I got to the funeral home about 20 minutes before the couple did. The man was very rude, so I was thankful that he left shortly and left me and the precious angel alone to have a very private and precious moment.

He had everything...

This little boy had everything. He had fingers, toes, eyes, nose, a spine, perfect pink skin, everything! I could not believe the man I spoke with on the phone, had said there was not much to see. I did not hesitate to jump right in and get some beautiful pictures of this little man. I held him, I positioned him, and I then noticed his little cord was wrapped around his neck still... twice... My heart hurt! Why did the hospital not unwrap this? I could not let the family see him this way, so I made sure I had a few pictures of him with the cord still there, in case they did want to see in the future, and then I carefully unwound the coiled, pink cord from his neck. It was such an intense moment that I had alone with the precious little baby. Just 6 inches long, some how caught himself in that little tangle, which was what caused the end of his life here...

The family arrived and they were so thankful and glad to have seen him! They held him and admired his precious little features. They could even determine who he looked like! It was a beautiful moment, and I felt so honored to have been there. They thanked me and expressed how much better they felt after seeing their precious boy! and to think that they may have not had this opportunity, scares me! To think that so many others do not have this opportunity, hurts me! They had said that the hospital offered time after time for them to see him, but they were scared. But I am soo glad that the hospital kept offering, and asking. They did exactly what they should have!

The mother suggested, "This must be hard for you huh?" I told her not at all. and it truly did not bother me. From the moment I walked in, I was not afraid or thought anything but positive thoughts of this little boy. Death does not phase me anymore. I was not afraid to see or touch this little body. I felt nothing but honored and grateful to have been given this opportunity, to see such a precious, tiny little body and be apart of a life changing experience...

After the couple held their little man, before they left they asked me to come to the burial the following day, and photograph it. I absolutely agree'd. This was today, Friday, October 14th. I arrived and fixed my little man's toys at his resting spot. I looked at the little casket stand, with the green velvet curtain, and just lost it. I sat squatted on my knee with my camera, everyone else standing, hugging and talking, and just hoped no one saw my stomach convulsing with pain, and my face flowing tears. It was like at that moment, I felt every feeling I did not feel at my son's burial because I was so numb.

The director spoke about Heaven, and a family member read a few beautiful poems, and as everyone started to head out, the family asked me if I would stay and photograph the cemetery men, burying the baby. I do not know how they do it anywhere else, but here, they do not bury the person in front of the family. Probably because it is just too painful. So I stayed. Everyone left, and the big crane came in with dirt. They uncovered the hole, and I told them that the family wanted some pictures of the burial. I leaned over them, and cringed as they revealed how deep the grave was. Just the length of a man's arm. They gently set him in the hole, just by leaning over. I looked down into the hole, knowing my son was that deep, and that he was right next this little boy. He was right there. I wanted to reach in there and grab him too. I couldn't bare to stay for when they put the dirt in, so I said thank you and left and just burst into tears. I got in the car and sat there, screamed and cried. I couldn't believe this was my life. That my little boy is but only 3-4 feet in the ground. I howled in pain and lost my breath and pulled over again. I was so angry!! For the first time I believe, I demanded WHY aloud!! WHY MY BABY!!! I gave myself the moment I needed, and pulled onto the free way, and continued on with my survival in this painful life on Earth...

Rest in Paradise Jaron Matthew Portner
10/8/11

I feel like there was nothing better I could have done, to honor my son, and all the precious angels that lost their lives too soon. Especially today being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, and awareness month. Thank you to my precious baby boy, for being with me this week, and helping momma stay strong!

Maddox, you changed my life. I want nothing more than for you to be with me, or for me to be with you, but I can't have that right now. I struggle with my thoughts, and if I ever really will see you again, hold you again, and nurse you again. I have to believe it to survive. You are still my everything, you have been since before the day I knew of you. I am living these months, thinking, just last year at this time, you were HERE in my arms! I was soo happy. We had just came home and our lives were so perfect. and now I am here, where I never would have imagined. I just miss you baby!! Momma loves and misses you toooo much I can barely stand it some days! I love you sweetie!! Please keep being with momma and letting me know you are here with me still!!!!

6 days

2011-09-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Less than 6 days to my little man's very 1rst birthday.

One whole year has gone by. I only got to live 4 months with him in my arms.
The remaining 8 months, has been miserable. An understatement.

I have been staying soo busy lately. It is good, but also bad.
I have a very strong distraction, then when I get some down time, time to think, it makes me so sick I can't even handle it.

Everyone is asking when Maddox's party will be. I honestly do not know if I will be fit to have a party.
I am going to try to put something together September 17th, for family and friends.

However, on September 14th, around 6pm, at Riverside Cemetery, we will be doing a balloon release for anyone who would like to come. Bring your own balloon! :)

I am going to get a fence and some rocks this week to place around and in his grave. I think that will also help with the fact we do not have a headstone for him yet. We ordered the small temporary grave marker, until we can afford a headstone. We honestly thought we would be able to afford one by now, but it is killing me that we can not. I eventually want to move him to a larger plot, with a big, upright headstone, but that is not an option right now. I hate it.

I have been in school for about a month now. I started August 8th, had a week off, and started up actual classes. It has been so hard. The CNA course covers so much of everything I already know, and everything I did with Maddox. Everyone is always talking about their kids, and today was finally the day I got asked about my child. Guess what they did, everyone ignored that I had even said anything. Turned their head, and pretended I had not said anything at all, and basically excluded me from the conversation about child birth and child care.
It hurts.

I am going to try to keep more up to date with my blog, I really need it. I need a special time to just focus on me, my feelings, and my little man. A set time to grieve. It has been coming out in twisted, unexpected, and LOUD ways.

I just miss my little man. I hate hearing about the heart, and what does what, and why my son's heart didn't work. and why it couldn't be fixed. and what he had to go through, and why he is not here.
I need him here. Right now, at this very moment, I should be in bed, with my son, snuggling, cuddling, and nursing him to sleep, then gently transferring him to his toddler bed, and tucking him in tight.

I should be going crazy, shopping online for all the necessities for his huge birthday party.

Anytime I tell anyone that I have a son, and that he would be one year old this month, and that he passed away when he was 4 months old, they shake their head, say that I must be so strong, because they couldn't handle that. AND I CAN!?!?!?!?

Some how I keep surviving.

Anytime Ron and I talked about if something like this were to happen, both of us would just say no, we would just die too. End of story, we would kill ourselves. There is no way we could live through this. There is NO way. We would just die.

And that was just our plan. The second I was told my son would be dying, and that he could not be fixed, and that he would be going very soon. My FIRST immediate thought, was how I was going to die too. How would I kill myself, just in time, so that I would not have to live without him for one second. I knew that I could not stand to be without him for even a minute! I had it all planned out. I thought out every different way carefully. I decided that the best way to go about it, was to jump off the hospital balcony. I had that plan, up until the day he passed away. This weird, life saving, numbness, came over me. and some how I was able to get through those first two weeks, and the moment my son passed away in my arms, by telling myself,

"He is an Angel now, he is too good to be here. He was too perfect for Earth. He fought so hard, he deserved to be pain free. He is in God's arms now. He will always be with me"

THEN,

the numbness wore off, and I howled painful, loud screams all through out the night. I would go through his things, and just sob. I couldn't stand it. I nearly killed myself 3 times within those first 2 months. Some how, I am here right now. Some how, I have to finish this life. Some how, I survived, some how I keep surviving. I do not know how, but some how...

When you think of someone suicidal, or someone who has lost someone so precious, the first thing you think of is, counseling. They need help, they need counseling, they need to talk to a professional...
EVERY ONE, kept asking me through out the weeks after his passing, if I had gotten any help. Professional help.

I will tell you this,

I talked to a psychologist, a pastor, and a councilor, multiples of each...

Guess what each and everyone told me?

You are young, you will be a mother again.

You will have more kids in the future.

You have to live for your future children.

Perhaps some medication will help you.

We need to get you on the right track for your future family.

My friends, mom's cousin died and it was really hard for all of us.

My grand father died and you just have to go on.

My daughter is infertile and I just tell her God does everything for a reason and to not complain.

He suffered too much anyway, it was his time, he would have suffered all too much

(All within the first two months of my son's death, mind you!!!!)

Needless to say, I will never step foot in another "professional unit" for my grief, ever again.

There is truly nothing that will take my pain away. No medication, no counseling, no nothing!

What does help the pain, is when my son is remembered and honored for the fight he fought.

When my son's name is spoken proudly.

and when I can talk about my son, remember him, and just be supported in what ever way I am feeling!

I am going to feel sad, I am going to be pissed off, I am going to get suicidal, I am going to get ANGRY, I am going to feel sorrow, I am going to feel grief, though I am also going to feel happiness and peace.

Grief has no particular order, and I know that I will forever feel these things for the rest of my life.

All I want and need is support. and for my son to be remembered and loved.

So please, keep us all in your prayers this week, and if you can, attend Riverside Cemetery at 6pm on Wednesday, September 14th, to honor the precious 10 months my son thrived in my womb, and the precious 4 months we held him in our arms!

I would also love for those who can not be there, to change their profile picture on any social networking site, to a picture of my little man. You can also take pictures of your own balloon release or candle lighting. Thank you all so much for your support!!!!

Update/New Nephew!

2011-08-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

I have been total blog failure for the last few months! I plan to start updating more regularly.

First off, my nephew was finally born! I love him to bits!

I helped my sister through her entire labor and he arrived on July 10th, 2011. 8 lbs 12 oz 20 3/4 inches long

Anyways, I started school this week. Had my RN orientation and intro to Sauk. Then on the 22nd I start my actual classes. Chemistry with a lab, and Nursing 101! Will be a CNA by the end of thsi semester and will be able to apply for the nursing program in June! Yay!

My grief has been so twisted. It's like my body knows what to do, my body knows that I am about to experience unbearable pain, as Maddox's birthday is next month, so I am in some type of shock, I am numb most of the time lately. I know I am not really okay, cause I recognize this feeling from when Maddox first passed away. Once the numbness wears off, I am going to break...

I still can barely believe that his birthday is NEXT MONTH! He would be a big one year old baby boy!
I still am on the fence about throwing him a birthday party. It's going to hurt so much. I will probably have to take the day off of school, even though it will be a lab. Then I will have three days to get myself together for his party. His birthday is on a Wednesday, his party would be on a Saturday... I was pregnant along with lots of other friends and family of mine. Everyone is inviting me to their kid's first birthday party and it just hurts so much. I just can't do it. However, I can't wait to make his birthday cake!

I have really been struggling with resentment against a lot of people. Why is there not a single person that is worthy of being a good friend? Why am I such a good friend to people that blow me off in return?

I have also been really struggling and irritated with people that weren't there for us, yet for whatever reason, we chose to be there for them. I will get past this, just really irritating me lately to think about it.

I am missing him so much tonight! My blog make over is next week so I will start blogging again and more often with a topic! Maybe start doing vlogs soon! We will see!

My sweet little man. Mad because he had to sit in his cousin's PINK chair at gramma's house! lol
So cute! <3 love him so much!

Life at home with Maddox + pics

2011-05-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

When we were home with Maddox, life was literally perfect. I wish things could have stayed that way forever.

We went home on October 11th, 2010 after 1 month in the NICU.

Going home and being home was amazing. We went home on an apnea monitor which I loved.(so much peace of mind) The NICU nurses taught us how to put down the ng tube which terrified me. How could I stick a tube down my own little boy's nose and into his stomach?!! But we both quickly learned and it became a breeze. Max was on 5 different medications, the list grew longer as time went on. Here was our daily schedule.

9am- Ron got up and gave Max his morning meds (Actigal and Bi-cytra) through a bottle with expressed breastmilk. I got Peyton ready for daycare and then my teacher usually arrived at this time and we worked on home schooling until about 10 o'clock. I usually got about 1-2 lessons done a day. During and after my lessons were done my teacher would hold Maddox for a little bit, we would just talk and play and just enjoy him. He was so perfect and darling. He never cried. He was always happy and fun to be around. He was the perfect baby. He just sat there, appreciated life and just being home. He would flash us a smile here and there and just snuggle and play. He loved patty cake.

Then after my teacher left, Max and I would usually go lay back in bed, I would nurse him to sleep and we would nap in bed for another few hours. LIFE WAS GREAT! People often came and stopped by to see him here and there. We didn't take him out very many places because we didn't want him to get sick. Though we payed regular visits to both grandparents houses as they all adored him! The perfect baby, he loved cuddling with everyone! He never threw fits, just let us know when he wanted to eat! He was perfect.

I never felt tired when caring for him. I some how effortlessly jumped out of bed at the slightest wimper of his. I never let him cry. He hardly would either. He would wake up usually about every 3-4 hours to eat. He would start to make noises and wake and I would attend to him the second I heard his voice. We would nurse back to sleep and SOMETIMES stay in bed. Unless I fell asleep nursing him, I would carefully place him back in his crib and he would usually stay asleep, or only make noises for a few seconds and drift back off. It was perfect.

I never realized how sleep deprived my body actually was. I never felt tired. I was always happy and joyful and just always so into my baby. I never felt any baby blues. I never felt fatigued. However, any time we went to a relatives house, I always found myself falling asleep on their couch as they played with Maddox LOL I didn't mean to, I guess my body really was tired but I was too joyed to even notice.

Bath time was one of our favorites! The first two bathes I gave Maddox at home were in his bath tub. Then I figured one day, heck why dont he just get in with me? So we took our first bath together and OMG we both loved it! It was the most content he ever was. He would just literally float in the water and just relax. We would snuggle, play and even eat in the bath. The only part he didn't like was the getting out part lol I routinely handed him over to daddy so I coudl finish up my bath. Max would cry for literally two seconds until daddy got home onto the towel spread out on the floor and covered him up in his bath towel. Daddy always had everything ready to go and set out to make that 3 step trip from the bathtub to the towel lol Then daddy would lotion him up and get him in his jammies. Daddy always picked out the silliest jammies!

At night we would all usually sit on the couch and watch tv. Daddy liked to play video games and Max LOVED to watch! He looked just as if he knew the game and knew what was going on LOL It was so cute!

Sometimes Max needed his own personal space. lol He would start to fuss for no reason when we soon found it was just because he wanted his own time in his bouncy chair. ^.^

We had lots of doctors appointments, at least a couple a week. But it was just life for us. We dealt with it. When I think back to the life we had with him at home, I can hardly remember the appointments. It was just life and our life was great. Max was the perfect baby boy and we loved every second with him. Everyone loved him. He will always have a very special, irreplaceable spot in everyones heart who held him...

Life was great with our little man. I just can't even believe it all happened so fast. We are broken and it gets so hard. Sometimes we don't know how we could possibly survive another day without our little boy. Somehow we do, and we get little signs from him here and there. I can't wait till we have this all again one day. I can't wait to hold my little man again <3

Update and Disbelief

2011-05-26T01:25:00.000-07:00

1. I can't believe I got pregnant, and delivered such a flippin cute babe!

2. I can't believe I once had a sweet little boy in my arms, to snuggle, feed and love.

3. ^ Though it is hard to believe he ever was really here, it is even harder to believe he is really gone.

4. I can't believe I have made it this far.

Update on Me

All and all I am pretty miserable to say the least. My life is miserable with small specs of "OKAY" moments. I will never be fully happy. ever. Just okay. Bearable. Breathing. When I do have those "OKAY" moments, I enjoy them. I am not the grieving mother that feels guilty of her small moments of joy. I recognize them, and know that they are from the Lord and my Son.

-I have noticed I've been going from one extreme to the next. In my own head of course. Like just an hour ago I about posted my entire boutique collection for sale and just through it all away. Why? Because I decided my business cards had too much writing on them and I no longer like the cheesey name, "Brookie's Boutique" and I can't change it cause I have over 100 fans. LOL ugh I am so bi-polar.
I am going to keep moving forward with the boutique deal but silly moments like that I just feel like I might as well just give up cause it sounds stupid anyway. lol

-I still think about Maddox 24/7. Literally. Not always in depressed ways. Sometimes I think about how cute he is. Sometimes I think about how bad I miss him. Sometimes I imagine the sensations of breastfeeding. Sometimes I just day dream about him being here, and how perfect life would be.

-Life would be absolutely perfect if he was just here. It really would. I wouldn't need anything else. He is all I need.

-My sister is due to have her baby soon. It isn't bothering me as much as it did at first. I still hate that everyone expects me to take care of her kid and be there for her, and that the main focus in our family right now is pregnancy, when it should be Maddox and supporting me through this time. I just can't wait to get away from it all. I need to focus on myself for once, and my little man.

-My sleeping schedule is still backwards. But I do know why. My body needs peace and quit. It needs alone time. Calmness. Which I can't get during the day. At night, there is no one around, and I can just relax, think, day dream about Maddox. I was just thinking the other day, and I really don't have any alone time at all. I really need it. I think I could get more accomplished during the day, if I was alone. It doesn't help that I live with some of the most negative people I have ever met. Seems like no one ever has anything nice to say or do.

-I passed all my GED tests. I find out tomorrow I think if I passed my essay, and then I'll officially have my GED. Then I really need to fill out my financial aid form tomorrow, so I can start college in the fall. I really can't wait! I think college will be waay different then high school. I think I will love it! Oh and I will also FINALLY have my permit in like two weeks lol I start drivers ed next week I think(WOW). so I can finally get that all situated and finally get on the road!

-I realized I have a constant fear of everyone dying. or anytime I see someone sleeping, I have to stand there for a few seconds and make sure they are breathing. With everyone. Ron, my mom, my siblings. I also have a horrible feeling Ron is going to die. He does too. Which I have been right about this feeling before.With my moms boyfriend, I had been talking to my mom about having a feeling he was going to die a month before he actually did die. weird. and then my entire pregnancy with Maddox I obsessed over SIDS, I just knew my baby woudl be the one to die from SIDS, so I did everything I could to learn and prevent it from happening. Little did I know he would die anyway from a heart condition.

-A few days after bringing Maddox home for the first time from the NICU, we were visiting his grandparents house. Shortly after arriving, his grandmother said, "Now can you ever imagine life without him? Now that he's here?" Smiling, just emphasizing how precious his life was. I thought about it, and I really couldn't. I tried to imagine how life was before him, and I couldn't. Little did I know, we'd all be living life without him, in a matter of months...

-Life is going by really fast it seems. I have already lived more life wihtout him then when he was here. I hate it. But it seemed to fly by. Which is great cause to be honest I really just want to get this life over with. Sometimes I think it;s just easier to die. But I am too afraid. SO I live, trying to do anything meaningful before I die, in my sons name. It's really all I have left. Sometimes I can't even believe I am still alive. My master plan failed. The week before Maddox died, I planned to say I was going to the bathroom, the second they pronounced him dead and jump from the hospital balcony. A. I don't know what I was thinking cause it was only two stories high lol B. why wouldnt I just take his bottle of meds which was stop my heart? Anyway, I just really don't know what I was thinking that week, and then some how I became totally numb and just didn't die. There was too much family around anyway. I guess I am semi-thankful to be alive. I enjoy little miss Peyton and sharing Max's story. Thats pretty much it...

-It is 3am and I have lots of errands to run tomorrow. Should prob get to bed. I haven't blogged in a long time so this was just a quick update. <3

Being A Mother

2011-03-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

I miss it so much.
I will always be Max's momma, but I can't do motherly things with him.
I am shaking and my face is stiff and aching as I type this.
I look at pictures of me when Maddox was still here, I look so much more beautiful when I was a mother.
I was happy and motherly and with my son and everything was just perfect!
Doing everything for him was just amazing!
I miss breastfeeding so much.
It was our special time! I can't wait to breastfeed again!
I asked God to PLEASE give me breasts full of milk when I come home!
My breasts will forever be Maddox's. They are NOT to be sexualized in any form!
I miss him soooo badly :(
I looked so happy when I was with him. So COMPLETE!
Now you can always tell something is missing...
I loved doing everything for him.
I miss giving him his medications, snuggling him, getting up with him at night,
taking bathes together, playing patty cake, playing with him at 5 in the morning,
having lazy days where we just sleep and eat all day long!
UGHHH, nights like this I really just want to fastforward life or just die now so I can be with my baby again.
I can't even stand it right now :(

Now and Regrets

2011-03-12T02:32:00.000-08:00

Now, when I lay in bed, I recognize each breath that I take, the beat of my heart, and all the other functions of my body.

It's so simple, I effortlessly stay alive, my body works, I dont know how, it just does...

I took this for granted so much.

I hate that I couldn't provide Max with a body that just WORKS!
I know he was given this body for a reason, and I love his little body soo soo much!
But I just wish he could be here!
I can barely stand it anymore.
Today was actually really good,
but then when it comes time to sleep, and everyone else is dreaming,
I think think think think and miss miss miss miss my son!!!!!!
I have the biggest lump in my throat and ache in my jaw.
Times like this is where it seems so right to just end it all.
So easily, it could all be over!
How can I NOT be tempted?

Ron is moving out this weekend.
My mom and dad decided this because they dont want to get introuble for housing a 18 who dates their 16 year old.
I understand I guess but we arent even sexually active and he is my biggest support and he takes care of the house and kids for me when I cant.
and sometimes I really CANT!
He is such a big help and support to me. He really does understand and its going to be so hard without him.
He takes care of me and the kids! Idk what I am going to do.
When I am suicidal, he will not leave me!
He would be there in a second if I do get thoughts when hes gone, but I just don't know how I will be able to take care of myself without him.
We'll see how it goes :/

Lately I have been having so many regrets!!!

Mostly about the night Maddox passed.
I reaalllly wanted to take a bath with him!
For some reason I held everything I was thinking in.
For example when we left him, I wanted to go back,
I knew I wasnt ready to leave him, but I knew I needed to leave now or I'd never leave him.
It had only been 6 hours or so!
I dont know why I ever left!
I could have stayed with him waaaay longer!
and I wanted to take one last bath with him and snuggle more and have some alone time with him!
I dont know why I didnt! I regret it so much!

When we buried him, when we set his casket on top of the thing that takes him down into the ground,
I really wanted to open his casket and just give him a single last kiss!
Instead I kissed his casket a bunch of times but I wanted to kiss him!

After he passed, I wanted to take him outside.
It was freezing cold outside but I wanted to wrap him in blankeys and just show him the snow and just snuggle him outside.
It was a beautiful night, it was just cold.
Why didnt I do this?!

At his funeral, I wanted to see his scars, from the autopsy. Every time I went to tug his shirt away from his neck to see them, I stopped. I knew I didnt want to see the incision but I did want to.
I wanted to kiss the scars. I wanted to hold him too.
I also wanted to look at his feet but I didnt. I dont know why. I was afraid they didnt put make up on them or something and they'd look brown or something. I wanted to give his little toes one last kiss!
WHY!

I know I was not thinking clearly at this time, but I cant help but replay in my head how I wished that night would have gone!
It would have gone so much differently if I could go back!
I know I will never be able to go back, but I cant help but think about it.
When will these regrets and thoughts go away?
I pray about it sometimes, maybe I need to more.
Cause they hurt! I feel like I did not do everything I needed to to have closure!

Another thing that keeps popping into me head,
is not getting a second opinion fast enough.
I cant believe we didnt take him to other places.
What if there is something they could have done?
I also fear that when they get the autopsy report, they will tell me that his valves were bigger than they thought and that he could have survived surgery.
OMG if they told me that I would seriously go find Doctor Bobbi and Doctor T and kill them all.
I am so scared for this report, I am going to call Monday. Its been 2 months they really need to have it.

Oh and on the burial vs cremation thing, I think I decided to keep him buried,
but who knows with my mind.
It changes every day.
Ugh I miss my little guy,
when will this ever get easier and when can I be with him!! pleassseee!

CONFUSION!

2011-03-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

So now I really don't know what I want to do!!!

PROS OF CREMATION

I get to see Max, he is always with me physically
I get to take him places
I can talk to him directly sort of
I know where he is
It will be comforting having him home
He will get to be covered in his blankey and comfortable in his crib
I could donate the grave lot to the next family who needs it
I could donate his casket to the next family who needs it
I will get to make a necklace of him

CONS OF CREMATION

I might have to face seeing him again
I might go crazy
I might take him everywhere I go
I could get confused with who he really is
I might not like the idea of his body burning

PROS OF BURIAL

He's already buried
I get to decorate the grave
I have a place to visit him
There is a lot of space to have a picnik by his grave
The grave site is by the park and river

CONS OF BURIAL

I don't know if his body is safe (grave robberies and such)
I don't like the idea of his body decomposing
I don't like that the things I put on his grave could get stolen
I want the things that are in his casket back
I have bad mental images of what he looks like now in the casket
He is in the town over
I dont know if he is safe, I feel like he is alone over there
I feel guilty if I go to Sterling and don't visit him
I cant decorate the grave how I want to
I feel so far apart from him and I just want him now

My Purpose

2011-03-05T01:27:00.000-08:00

It means I have to live.
It means that there is something I am supposed to do.
God gave me my son and taught me all these life lessons,
He took my son and taught me even more.
He did not put me through all of this just for me to die too.
This I hate.
God gave me a purpose, I did not ask for such.
God gave me a purpose that I could not decline.
Every day, I feel like throwing it all away, hoping He will forgive me and just hand me my sweet boy again!
I look at pictures of my baby boy, I miss him so badly, the pain is so real, unbearable!
I miss every little detail about him,
I don't know why God thought I could handle this because some days I don't think I can!
Why He is putting me through such pain and misery I do not understand,
this life seems so long, but I forget it is so short.
Knowing that my baby boy could possibly be so close!
Locked in the bathroom, eyes on what I THINK could POSSIBLY be the path to my precious child!!!!
How do you not just end it all today and pray so hard that God may forgive you for ending your life,
and to just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just let me walk with my baby boy in my arms!
Will God forgive me? I know he gave me things to do, but maybe if I just beg for forgiveness before hand,
he will have mercy on me, because this pain is just too much and I just could not bare it any longer!
God says he does not give us anything we could not handle but sometimes I feel as though he does not understand!
I know he does, but this pain is just too great!
I am sorry but this life does not feel like a gift anymore!
When you are given a gift and then it has been taken back!
A tease ever so painful!
The will to live went with him, when God took my gift back...
My stomach is sick, my body is bruised, my heart is broken.
My face is swollen, my eyes are dry, my baby is gone...
Heaven is beautiful,
I try to imagine,
I want to be there,
I pray that God accepts me into his Kingdom,
even though he did not choose for me to go there,
maybe he will see me banging on Heavens gates,
see my pain and hurt and just let me in!
but maybe he will see my pain, but send me back here to go on!
or maybe he will give me a peak of my baby boy and then send me back. just so I know he will be waiting for me!
and then maybe, God will even turn me away, let me die, but not be with my baby...
This uncertainty is keeping me alive,
I just want to be free and happily ever after with my baby boy!
I know I will have this some day,
but it can not come fast enough </3

A Glimpse of Heaven editing

2011-02-27T17:11:00.000-08:00

I just made a new blog specificly for my Angel edits so I thought I'd share it on this one to get the word out!

This blog is mainly for editing pictures of Angels but I will do others too.

A Glimpse of Heaven editing

My New Hobby

2011-02-25T23:29:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been editing pictures for hours at a time.
Pictures of Maddox, pictures of me, and especially pictures of other Angels!
I love it!
A few women so far have given me pictures of their children to touch up and make more beautiful,
since some of the babes were discolored, one was in a bad car accident,
and some were great pictures that just needed a little enhancement.
I really love doing it and it makes me feel good about myself!
I get so creative with this thing!
As of now I am using Picnik. Its simple and online.
I want to look into a more sophisticated and complex editing software.
I love it!

Lately I have been so, I don't even know lol CRAZY!

Very bi-polar, for lack of a better word.

I miss my baby boy so badly. Its so hard to believe that he was once here, and I was actually snuggling him at one point in time. I want to rewind my life so badly. Just to the day I got induced, with all the same knowledge I have now. I just want more time with my sweet guy!

Lately it seems like I have been pushing everyone away. Mostly other moms and people my age.
I just wish all the awesome support and grieving mother besties I have online, lived in my town!
I have no one to hangout with that I can hardly stand and that understands me.
I don't get irritated with people that know what I am going through.
They help me feel not alone. Everyone else complains about the stupidest of things it seems, and I just get too irritated and drained. I honestly can't help it. I wish people would just shut up and realize that they have all that they need.

I am missing the key to survival!

When you take a fish out of water, what does it do?
It goes crazy and flops all around in a struggle to find water to survive!
After a while of no water, the fish is barely alive.
This fish can survive quite some time without water, but is the fish really living?
Is the fish swimmingly freely out in the ocean?
No, but only barely breathing and struggling minute by minute to stay alive...
and when you poke the struggling fish, it may jolt from your touch, but resume its lethargic struggle until its fate, where as then, the fish is free and living again, without its pain from the absence of water...

So maybe that,(which just flowed freely off my fingertips)
can help you understand more...
When I am around someone it messes up my imbalance even more, causing more irritation or draining me from having to be so fake for the period they're in my presence.
I am barely surviving, sometimes not even knowing how I am going to make it the next hour,
so I wish who ever reads this would seriously appreciate every little detail of their life and the lives surrounding them, because the world can't function with the sun, and some of us are missing our Sunshines, the light we wake up to in the morning :(

I am positive nothing can heal or even help at all, this type of wound.
No councilor, no medicine, nothing...

There is one thing that will put us out of our misery, something so uncertain, yet so desired.
The only way to put the fish out of its agony, is to either put it back in the water, or to end its life now...

I will not end my life, so I am basically doomed to this misery until God thinks I have had enough,
in which I have, but I guess he is not done with me.

I went to see bubbaz grave today. They took off the spray of flowers from his service that marked his grave for a while. That sort of irritated me but they were dead and all gross from the snow melting so I understood.
I thought of this awesome idea for a head stone! I really can't wait. In fact, I am going to draw it up right now since I just remembered!

Here are some of the pictures I have played with the past few days.

My baby boy's soul leaving us...

Getting our sweat test in Rockford, no Cystic Fibrosis!

Snuggling on the Pediatric floor at KSB when Max had a UTI...

At home being silly!

After our bath time :)

Being silly, playing on the blankey Aunt Pam got us!

One of bubbaz very first smiles!

Momma and Max in Rockford!

The morning after bubbaz arrived!

Right Now

2011-02-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

I might as well drop off the map. I wish anyways.
I seriously wish the numbness of the first weeks of losing my baby would come back.
How did I seem so calm and in control and at peace?
I am so broken. Broken doesn't even describe my pain. I am lost and empty.
I just want my baby. He is seriously all I think about. I dont really know what I am going to do, or how I am going to make it these next few days. I am no longer allowed to be alone.
I really feel alone, even though there are so many mothers out there longing for their babies too, but for some reason my pain seems unbearable. I dont think I can do it much longer. Its taken every ounce out of me.
I managed to get some scrapbooking and cleaning done today. It made me feel a little better.
My mom must have found a dirty sock of his because she handed me some clean clothes that got mixed with hers with a single sock of Maddox's on top of the pile. It tore me up all over again.
I dont know how I ever handled this. I dont know how I was ever okay. I am the farthest thing from okay right now.
Thats why I cant stand when people tell me I am stronger than them, as if I am okay with all of this. I may have seemed like it and may still seem like it in public, but I am truly, seriously, on edge.
For some reason, whenever I go to a place where I really don't want to cry, like school, I am on the verge of tears all day long. But when I am at home, and I know I can pretty much break down whenever I want, I cry less.
I like being around people that didnt really know me before.
I dont like being around people that were around me before Maddox, because I feel like all they are thinking about is how different or fake I am being or how horrible I feel because I was so excited for him.
I feel so stupid.
I think I honestly hate myself. I hate my body, I hate the things I didnt do with Maddox, I hate that I didnt know, I hate that the doctors couldnt do anything. I hate everything.
This hatred has been here, but more so because I baby sat my 2 month old neice, and I took some really awesome pictures of her. Then I got to thinking, why didnt I ever do this with Maddox?
I didnt have a good camera while he was at home with us, but still? It hurts me because there were so many different types of pictures I wanted of him, and now I am taking them of other babies and not him. I sort of feel guilty.
I am so unbalanced. One second I feel okay and fresh and ready to remember Maddox and not cry,
and the next, I am ready to jump off the roof.
I dont think I will ever really kill myself, just because of my siblings and Ron and everything, but some moments are so hard, that none of them matter, and I just want to be with my son instantly.
Before I had a reason to not do this, because I thought I would not see my son, I thought I would go to some other place for taking my own life, but I read up on a lot of places, and found that God is merciful on those who are in deep depressions and things to that effect, so I thought, maybe he will forgive me since I am in so much pain, so the other night is when I almost really did it. But I quickly snapped out of it and was not left alone. It is so hard though, to know that I could possibly be with him, so quickly.
It's a daily challenge. It sounds so easy. Because he is all I want. He is everything to me, and now hes gone. I cant even bare it anymore. No one will ever understand how painful this is.
All the other grieving mothers I know, either have more children or already had more children, or try to pretend it didnt happen, or push it away, or kill themselves. Some grieve very well, but I think its because of their living children, or because they didnt get to bond with their child. I BONDED with Maddox! We had such a close relationship. We were so connected and intune with eachother. We were completely in love. I love him so much. I know miscarriage and stillborn hurts but this hurt is different, and I dont know anyone who has experienced losing their child this way, so sometimes it doesnt help to talk to other GMs.
I dont know how I will ever move on from this, I know I wont ever move on, but how can I accept this? How can I accept that my son is not with me? That hurts so badly. Theres nothing more I will ever want.
Another child can not fill my heart, the thought of having another child SICKENS me! I was MADDOX"S mother ONLY! I was meant to be my baby boys mother, no baby will ever come between that.
I dont even know I am so completely saddened and empty.
He is seriously the only thing I think about. No seriously, every second out of the day he is on my mind.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK

Do at least 1 lesson a day of APEX online school
Lessen suicidal thoughts
Scrap book more and remember the good things about Maddox more and remember that he is in a better place and that he is saved from this nasty world.
Start applying for jobs

My little guy in his cousins bouncy seat! He knew it was for a girl! What the heck guys!

I Was Wrong

2011-02-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

In all my early posts, I seemed so accepting, calm, and okay with all of this.
With my son dying, I spoke of how I was genuinely okay and understanding that my son is better.
Everyone was so glad I was doing well, and I defended myself against those who doubted my optimism.
Well they were all right. I really am not okay at all. I thought I was "okay" enough to start school LOL
I suppose I was in total shock and my body put up a seriously convincing front.
Wow, I am the farthest thing from "okay" right now. I dont even know what I am. I am literally broken.
I will never be fixed. A professional told me the hole in my heart will eventually close, I laughed in sarcasm.
Unless you have experienced this, you will know that this whole never closes. I cant even imagine this hole closing, who says I want this hole to close?
Its so hard to believe that my son was once actually here in my arms! I seriously dont know if I can handle it anymore.
No one understands. Not even another grieving mother I dont think. Even if someone did understand it wouldn't help. What am I going to do without my son?
This hurts, and I am at my breaking point. I cant be fun, silly, laughing and "okay" anymore.
MY BABY BOY IS GONE!
Its so hard not to die. Its all I think about and I finally had a dream about it! It was so beautiful and perfect, and then of course at the end of the dream, I come back to this miserable life. I am miserable. So completely miserable. I dont really care about helping people anymore, I just want my son. I would kill everyone on this Earth with my own bare hands if it would bring back my son and it would just be me and him. There is simply nothing more I want. Maybe this is just one of my moments but I honestly dont think I can do it anymore. I cant go on. How will I go on? No one understands and I dont even think I want anyones help. Its so unfair.
I hate this so badly. No one understands this ach. No one understands how empty I am.
I am forever broken and I am sorry if I cant go on anymore. I just cant do it. I can capitalize my letters, I can hide my broken heart for a little while, but I cant live without my son any longer. I really dont know what I am going to do tonight. I thought a blog might help me snap back to reality but reality makes me want to leave even more. I just wish something could just happen so badly. Life is torture. Life is TORTURE! Its not a gift when your first born, flesh and blood is stolen from you. Then is just a nightmare and full of pain. I am so sickened. I just want to be in Heaven too with my baby. I want my baby! Thats all an dit hurts so bad. i cant do this anymore but i am too afraid to kill myself in case i dont see my son. i cant do this.

Birth Control: Implanon

2011-02-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

While I was still pregnant with Maddox, my Healthy Family's councilor went over a birth control pamphlet with me and introduced the Implanon.
I was very interested and immediately did my own research.

Implanon:
is a newer birth control implant, receiving FDA-approval in July 2006. This contraceptive implant is a thin rod, 40 mm in length and 2 mm in diameter -- about the size of a cardboard matchstick. It's made from a flexible plastic and is inserted just under the skin on the inner side of your upper arm. Implanon is a progestin-only method and provides about 3 years of pregnancy protection. Insertion requires a local anesthetic and only takes a few minutes. The implant can also be removed anytime before the 3 years are up. Implanon does not contain latex or silicone and will not dissolve, so it must be removed.

Isn't the box cute?

How Implanon Works:

Implanon continually releases a low dose of etonogestrel (a progestin) to protect against pregnancy for up to 3 years. It contains 68 milligrams of etonogestrel, released over the 3-year period; about 60 to 70 micrograms per day are released in the first year, and the amount decreases over time. After the third year, Implanon will still release some hormone, but it will not be enough to prevent pregnancy. Like other hormonal methods, it works by stopping ovulation, changing the cervical mucus making it harder for sperm to swim through, and thinning the uterine lining, so it is less receptive to implantation.

Being realistic, I knew I did not want anymore kids anytime soon, therefore Ron and I decided to maintain abstinent and use a form of birth control as further precautions.

The Implanon instantly caught my eye because it co-exists with breastfeeding.

It is a safe and highly effective birth control method
A good alternative option for women who can't use estrogen-based contraceptives
Provides continuous pregnancy prevention for 3 years and can be removed anytime within the 3-year period
After removal, a woman’s ability to become pregnant returns quickly; some women have reported becoming pregnant within days after removal of the contraceptive implant
It is a private and discreet birth control method. Nobody can tell if you are using it, and there is no packaging or other evidence of use that may embarrass some women
Most women can’t see Implanon after its insertion

It allows for continuous, long-lasting birth control without the need of a tubal ligation
Convenient and hassle-free –- once inserted, you don’t have to do anything

I went to the clinic, she cleaned my arm, put some numbing stuff on, then gave me a shot of a local anesthetic to numb the area. Within 5 minutes I was completely numb and she cleaned my arm again and inserted the Implanon through a large metal needle. It did not hurt at all. The numbing shot hurt a little bit but no more than a regular shot. I barely bruised, some people bruise really bad but not me. I had a little piece of skin left on from where the needle entered my arm, but it turned into a scab and is already fully healed.
The video makes it all look much worse than it actually is! Its painless and carefree!

So far, I am happy with it! I got it while I was on my first period and I am still spotting brown older blood. Whether this is just because it's my first period since prior to being pregnant or because of the Implanon I am not sure. But besides that I am totally satisfied. I just love not having to care about birth control. Its in there and done for 3 years.

Why I did not choose any other form of birth control;

The Pill is the least effective form of birth control. It is also very sensitive. If you miss one day it messes everything up, hence, how Maddox got here ;) It also causes a lot of the similar side effects as the Depo shot which I will post below.

Mirena/Nuva Ring/Any type of Vaginal IUD I am just not comfortable with and heard horror stories about them. I don't really like the idea of something foreign in my vagina. It just seems unnatural and dangerous. and it is. Mirena can cause really bad problems and life threatening infections. So I just decided to stay away from all that. The Nuva Ring just sounded weird too. I would feel weird having it up there and unsure if its in or how to use it and all.

The Depo Shot is a sickening amount of hormones being released into your body. Enough to last you three months all at once! It also makes you gain weight, decreases your fertility,
Causes you to lose bone density. Usually causes irregular bleeding. You have to get it every three months.
It can abort or cause birth defects if you are pregnant. Many women also experience change in sex drive, appetite, depression, nausea, head ache, hair loss, increased body and facial hair, and tender breasts. It also puts you at high risk of having an Ectopic pregnancy. So basically the shot sucks. A lot of people say they love it but they don't really know what its doing to them on the inside and what their body will be like in the future.

Those are the most popular forms of birth control. All the other forms like the patch, spermicides, diaphragm, cervical cap, contraceptive sponge etc. I thought all just sounded crazy and some unsafe and ineffective so I didn't even really look into them or even question them.

So yeah, I would HIGHLY recommend the Implanon. It seems like the most obvious and safe choice!
Here is the video of me getting the Implanon inserted. Don't be afraid! It looks FAR more worse than it feels and the long term outcome is perfect!

You can feel it underneath your skin. It just feels like a little hard line. It doesnt hurt to touch it at all. You cant see it but you can feel it.

Babies are great, beautiful, miracles but sometimes we arent ready for them or just don't want one. So to help prevent unplanned pregnancy, abstinence is the best option but not always realistic, so birth control can help us wait to have a child until we are ready and prepared for a child ;)

(I will upload video through youtube but for some reason youtube is having tech difficulties right now but I will try to post by end of the night)

References: http://contraception.about.com/od/prescriptionoptions/p/Implanon.htm

A New Outlook

2011-02-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

I met with my teacher's Pastor today. He is also a licensed psychiatrist, doctor, councilor person.
People like my teacher, bring their friends and family to him and he listens to them and helps them and gives them advice all at no cost. They are really good people.

Anyway, he is seriously really helpful. He had a way of explaining things that stuck and made sense.
He had experienced similar things that we have but not losing a child that has been born and bonded with, but it still seemed like he understood. He put real things that went on in my head, into something visual and physical.

He explained to me exactly why I sleep so much, why I am grieving the way I do, and that everything is normal.

He explained how I need to move foward and how and why I need to stop judging and critiquing other people. I told him about how I can't help but get irritated and judge other moms and my family. He then told me that I am not the one to point fingers, because I am not. I am not perfect. God is, so thats his job, not mine.

I took a good look at myself today and decided I am seriously going to try to change. Lately I have been really getting into it with my mom and the way she parents. I decided to just leave her alone and let her handle her kids the way she wants. When there isnt extra stress, she is a really good, loving, enjoyable mom. So maybe if I back off and try to make this house a happier, better, place by not bitching and critiquing everyone, it will make everything and everyone else better and happier. and this goes for all aspects of my life...

There is nothing bad that could come from this. Only good. and only bad can come out of being bitter, mean, hateful, and judgmental. Some irritations are inevitable but theres no going wrong with trying. I want to remember my son and do even more for him and try to be happier and less resentful and regretful.
Wish me luck!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

Today is ALSO,

Maddox's 5 Month Birthday!

Maddox's 1 month Angel Anniversary!

My first day of School!

and my dentist appointment lol. I got my 2nd and LAST cavity filled today. Talked like a DORK for 2 hours lol.

Anyway,
While most people are cuddling, snuggling, laughing, and playing with the love of their life, I visited mine at the cemetery today. We decorated his grave site a little bit more. We released a few balloons for him and also for another Angel Babe named Niah Hope.

School went well. I had to stop myself from tearing up a few times but I only actually almost cried once.
It just hurts to know the last time I was in that building, I was happy, anxious and always dreaming about the day I become a mother to my highly anticipated baby boy! Then the day I re-enter that building, I am childless. I have nothing. Everything I couldn't wait to show off, every reason I had to work my butt off at school, is gone. I almost feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not because of Maddox, but because I was so happy and excited, when I was about to face my worst nightmare, not even knowing it.

I am ashamed and embarrassed about a lot of things. I am ashamed of my body that failed my son's heart. These stretch marks, my fat, my breasts, all are just a cruel reminder of how my body could not provide my son with a working heart, liver, and kidneys.

I am so grateful though. I am so grateful that I got 4 months with him and 5 weeks at home with him. I miss him so badly. I feel like I am slowly forgetting what it was like to have him here. I miss him. I cant imagine loving another child this much. I simply can not. No child will ever be the same. He is so special and unique. I am having a hard time not digging up his grave. The soil is so fresh, rich and loose it looks like I could just reach in their and grab him. I have done a lot of research on it, and if I came up with the money, I could have him moved to a regular grave lot, a big one, and I could have them open his casket so I could maybe see him one last time. I seriously think about this a lot and have considered it. His body would have been well preserved from the cold, I wouldn't care if it wasn't preserved. I just want to hold him! It seriously is the most painful, excruciating, PAINful feeling, it is sometimes unbearable. Sometimes I will be thinking and just think to myself, "He's gone? Wait, is he really gone? He is!" and it hits me all over again. Sometimes I don't even know how I am handling it. Am I even handling it? When I think about how he is not here, it hits again, and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my life is going on forever. My entire face hurts and I don't know how I am surviving, honestly. Right now I am breaking down. Right now I feel like I want to die, and that I can't handle it. I will be okay in a little while I know. Sometimes the pain becomes more real and hits so hard all over again. I cant resist him, but I am forced to. This is the worst possible feeling ever. I can't even handle this right now. My night is ruined I have to go. I will continue this blog later. I want to hold my baby boys pillow and just wish for him here. Sometimes thats all I do, is pray and wish for him to just magically appear...

DON'T FEED THE MOMS!

2011-02-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

DON'T FEED THE MOTHERS EITHER!

Dieting and Exercising is sooo much harder than I thought it would be!
When I was pregnant, I would so easily say,
"Yeah I am going to exercise, and eat healthy and breastfeed and all!"
Little did I know, I would only be able to breastfeed for 3 months, and be sitting in a hospital room all day with my beautiful son.
Then when I finally go home without my son, I would not be able to exercise, eat healthy, or even sometimes wake up!

I finally went grocery shopping and got what I WANTED and healthier things then what my mom gets.
The things she buys are kool-aid, pop, sugary cereals, canned food, fast food, whole fats, instant meals, and all that.
This time I tried to buy fresh and frozen fruits and veggies, whole wheat bread, low fats, and stayed away from instant meals, preservatives, sodium, and all that junk.

But our cubbards still have left overs of these foods! Which makes it very hard to stick with my diet!
My sleep schedule also interferes with it. I sometimes sleep all day till 4 in the afternoon. So my metabolism is running very low since I basically skipped breakfast and lunch so anything after that is probably all going to fat. URGG

Today I did sort of okay! Talking INTAKE wise. I did not choose the best foods though. I got up at noon, had a special K breakfast bar, 90 calories. Then only drank water for the rest of the day. Then I had crackers and crab dip for a small snack and spaghetti for dinner. Not bad since I got up at noon. But now I am eating cinnamon rolls, knowing they are my enemy, but I cant help it. They are SO delicious! I dont care anymore. I keep making up excuses for myself!
"Oh it's winter you might as well eat whatever you want, then when spring and summer comes you will work out and diet!"

I seriously can't tell myself no. Thats BAD! Does anyone else have this issue? When I see something I want, I know its bad, but I eat it anyway? Urggg, I guess it would help if I had some support. Everyone in my house either doesn't care or says, "I am skinny, I don't need to watch what I eat!"

For instance, my sister went grocery shopping with me the other day and started throwing a bunch of crap in the cart along with my step brother and Ron. I told them to get it OUT and to not throw stuff in the cart. They started mocking me by reading the nutrition label on everything out loud and obnoxiously.
They said, "Well were not fat so we don't need to watch what we eat! No ones going to eat this crap!"
So I told them just because they aren't "fat" doesnt mean they are healthy!
People in this house are just lazy and don't want to prepare food. Including myself. I will sometimes but it is very hard, especially when you are cooking for a bunch of picky brats. Its overwhelming too, having to shop and cook for a load of kids. I dont know. Basically I feel alone and am looking for support but mostly venting!

I have never had a weight problem in my life. A lot of other moms always tell me I look great and that I am not fat. Compared to them, I am probably where they would want to be, but when looking at myself, I am not where I WANT to be. I was way skinnier than this before. I was a size 3 and sometimes even 1. Now I don't even know what size I really am. I was a size 12 and now I am probably about a bigger 7 or 8. It is sooo frustrating. Especially, being a mom, I stopped caring so much about my clothes and what I wear and how I look, so I havent really gone shopping anymore and don't even know what my style is anymore. Its basically comfort and simplicity. I lack the energy to dress all fancy and cute. I think simple modesty looks nice too though.

*SIGH* I guess this will just take some time. I think it would be easier if I lived on my own. Then I would be able to control what exactly goes in my house and who I am cooking for. I will have this one day!
It definitely is not working out right now though!

If anyone has any tips or suggestions for dieting alone in a house full, please let me know!

Confusion and Venting

2011-02-10T23:35:00.000-08:00

I don't really know where I am at this point. It is so confusing.
I have said it before, sometimes I feel okay and accepting and sometimes I really don't know what I am going to do.

I decorated Maddox's grave today for Valentines Day. I also put a few things on my cousin Nick's grave.
This week went by fast but it seems like this month has been a life time.
The days seem to drag on and on, as I have said before.
I think my life and blog will always be like this.
Missing my son, wanting to die, having a good day, barely going on. So I understand if I lose followers.
My life will never be the same or happy. Not that I want it to be the same, well I do. I want my son here. But I dont want to try to go back to normal or anything. I want to remember my son. Always.
Seeing other Angel babies kind of helps me. It makes me sad that they had to go but it makes me happy to know who my baby boy is playing with. It seems like the cutest kids go to Heaven. Makes sense!

I have been having a lot of trouble at home lately. With my family and all. I have huge resentments towards both of my parents just because of things that took place during my child hood. So sometimes it seems like I switch back and forth between parents. When one pisses me off I go to the other one. Which is kind of the case but its different. I try to put the resentment for one parent aside, so we can get along, then when they piss me off, all the resentment comes back, and I throw it in their face and go to my other parent. So today I got called selfish and fake because of that. That I take sides and only get mad when I want something. Well that is not true. When one of them does something, its like everything they ever did to me, reoccurs in my head, and I hate them all over again. So I vent to my other parent. Both of my parents aren't very great, but I feel like my dad is sort of getting better, thanks to his new girlfriend. I like her and I think she definitely put him in place for good. I dont see them breaking up any time soon and she is the type of woman he needed in her life.
As for my mom, she is just ungrateful and miserable. Sometimes are good but she has severe undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. One minute shes cool, the next she is lashing out. It bothers me because I have 4 younger siblings that dont need to see that.

I grew up seeing my parents lashing out, and now I tend to have similar ways in my own personal relationships. They think it doesn't bother us but it does. My child hood was damaged by these things. My entire life was damaged by these things. I dont want this for my siblings. I dont understand whats so horrible about that? Another thing I get angered by, is getting bitched at for my sleeping. I have not even slept in that late lately! I have been doing good! and when I am not sleeping, I am taking care of my siblings, cleaning, or on the computer connecting with other grieving mothers or blogging or working on my memorial projects for Maddox. It seems like everyone in this house is always saying, "All you do is sit on the computer and sleep!"
A. I deep clean the entire house in the middle of the night when every one is sleeping, how else do you wake up to a clean house every morning?

B. The computer is my way of coping and interacting with people who have experiences similar things. It is also my way of remembering my son! I am always going through his pictures and videos. This is what helps me! I am so sick of that. They think all I do is sit on facebook and talk to random people, well NO. That is not that case. I am sharing my story and listening to others on here. and it HELPS.

C. My sleeping is so hard. Some times I truly can not move. I am not exaggerating either. It feels like someone beat me up and paralyzed me. Like I have nothing to look forward to, no baby crying needing fed, no baby needing love, no Maddox. Not anywhere. Maddox, is a pillow wrapped in a hospital blanket and a Teddy bear that I fall asleep with in my arms and wake up to find on the other side of the bed.

Another thing I am sick of, is people being so disrespectful in this house. My siblings are seriously horrible. They say some of the most horrible things. They are obnoxious, undisciplined, disrespectful brats. They get away with everything because my mom is too lazy to deal with them. I try to discipline them but nothing works. I dont want to get violent and sometimes I get urges to but I know that will not solve anything either. We are in desperate need of nanny 911 but no one in this house is capable of following through with rules. Even my mother. Our family has always been unorganized, breaking rules, breaking chore lists, being late, missing appointments, and just totally incapable of a schedule. I hate this. I want to run my own house hold so badly. I basically do but when it comes to making rules, "I am not the boss." Thats why I wanted to parent Maddox so badly. I know I would have been good at it. We would have had order, rules, discipline, rewards, gratification and respect. We would have been a close family and Maddox would have been raised well. I wanted to do everything my parents did wrong, right with my son. My parents still to this day, do wrong. I hate to say there is a right and wrong way to parent but there is. There are many different "right ways" to parent, but there are very obvious wrongs.

Another thing that bothers me in this house, is the lack of health care. It seems like everyone is only interested in eating junk food. My 2 year old sister is obsessed with chocolate and sweets. Everyone else is always eating something high in sodium, fast foods and drinking pop. Today I went grocery shopping for my mom and avoided all fatty foods. I got the healthiest things that my family would still eat as much as possible. I think their problem is just not wanting to prepare the food. Thats another thing I looked forward to, was decided what Maddox ate, introducing him to healthy foods and preparing him healthy meals and just practicing healthy ways with him. I would have loved cooking for him. I generally hate cooking but if I lived on my own, with Maddox and maybe Ron, I would love cooking. I guess I just dont like cooking for ungrateful brats and MANY of them! I just wish my family could care more about being healthy. Just because you arent over weight, doesn't mean you are healthy!

Yes, I have more to rant about! Something else that bothers me is that my siblings do not have to do anything. They have ZERO responsibilities. I have siblings that are 12, 10, 8 and 2. My 12 year old sister Kayla helps sometimes, but my 10 year old brother and 8 year old sister are complete brats and don't do anything. They whine when they don't get their way, they use nasty words, and always have to have something. We have tried making out chore lists but they always get out of them. My mom always says, "Okay this time I am following through, no one is getting out of their chore and we are sticking to it!" Well that never happens. She's always too busy or too lazy to put her foot down. So when I try to do it, I am in the wrong because no one wants to hear it and I am not the mom and so my siblings get away with it all again and get to be brats and trash the house without consequences. Family is about loving and helping each other! Our family doesn't know what that even means.
Everyone in this house is selfish and helping someone out just because is unheard of with my siblings. I know they are young but they are old enough to know whats right and wrong and how to get their way when they want it. I would have taught Maddox that we help and share with our family because we love and care about each other. I have actually gotten pretty far with Peyton, the 2 year old. I took care of her most of the time during my pregnancy and now, and she cleans up after herself, she helps out just because, she is caring and tries to cheer you up when you are upset and she is just all around sweet. However, she has learned some pretty bad things from my siblings. They thought it would be funny to teach her to call people "retards" and say, "god damn it" I came home from the hospital and was so mad. I put her in time out now when she does say these things so she doesn't say them much anymore. But she also can be very bratty too. This I feel she learned from my siblings yelling and wrestling eachother. She sometimes hits when she doesn't get her way and screams and says "shut up!" I feel bad because I yell sometime when I get angry but I am working on it and try not to in front of her. But time out seems to be working for her so I am pleased with her progress. It's not her fault but the least I can do is show her that these things are wrong.

Anyway, I guess I am done with my vent about what goes on in my house and family, it is very late so I should probably get to bed. Tomorrow I am going over to a friends house. Her child has been in and out of the hospital with a supposed "heart murmur" Sound familiar? So I am going to explain to her that these doctors are neglecting her baby, as her daughter has been experiences fluid overload and breathing issues and stuff. I am positive it is more than a heart murmur. Maddox's "heart murmur" turned out to be severe stenosis causing fatal obstruction and irreversible damage, so maybe I can help her ask the right questions before its too late.

An Apology

2011-02-06T02:36:00.000-08:00

For the post before. I was in one of my extremely intense "moments." Every hour is different for me. Every minute even. One I am okay, then the next I am praying for my death. I am so confused. What state of grief am I in? Does it always go in order? I thought I was okay. I am okay. Right now I am okay. Not as okay as I have been, but I am okay. Not even an hour ago I was convinced I was dying and that everyone was out to get me and I hated everyone. Theres something wrong with me and I know exactly what it is. Something is missing and I know exactly what it is, he is. My sweet precious boy. When you have something/someone so important taken from you, I guess this is what it does. I hope it stops or at least calms down. I have never felt more helpless, hopeless in my life. Ive never wanted to die more. Ive never been so fond of my own death. Ive never been so fake in my life. Ive never resented anyone this much. Ive never been so confused. These are a few things that I have found that in ones best attempt, "explain" exactly how this pain is, for those who are trying to understand. You will never understand...

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous

This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. - Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

I am so lost right now. Sometimes I just wish people would leave me alone and let me just grieve! and sometimes I am glad people are reaching out to try and help me. Nothing ever really helps me. Something may brighten up my day for a second, but at the end of the day, when I am alone in my bed, nothing helps. If I want actual "help", I get it. I have taken all measures myself with the help of the people I reach out to FOR help. If I need help, I will get it and I will know it. Which is why I have already made arrangements. I have had someone tell me I need help and that this is not okay. and this was from someone who has never lost anyone! I think feeling like this is absolutely FINE and when its NOT I take care of myself. HOWEVER, sometimes I would just like to be left alone! Right now, the state I am in, I feel like breaking my phone, crawling in bed, and never coming out... ever... Which is why I am seeking help. But in the mean time, let me do what I want, which is NOTHING!

Ughh sorry, I know this was supposed to be an apology post and I am in need of another apology in my apology post lol URG. okay, I am okay again. I am so frustrated. I dont even know where to begin. I am frustrated with everything in my life. My future is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, and I am no where near close to that. Right now, I want to be useless, sluggish, alone, dead, or just lazy. I dont want to do anything. But it changes all the time. For example, yesterday, my birthday, (which is perhaps why I felt like this) I was up ready and wanting to do everything! I wanted to be social, I wanted to be spontaneous and fun and dance and I did. Then I have days like today where I crash and am lower than low. Maybe its all fake. I dont know when I am truly happy. Its like I have taught myself so well that when I need to pretend to be happy, I am happy? Sometimes I catch myself though, in public. I start staring off into space and day dreaming of Maddox and then I look up and realize what I was doing and smile. I dont want other people to see me sad. Actually, I just remembered I had to do this on part of my birthday. A few times actually. Its embarrassing because I feel like people know. Thats why I like to be alone. I can feel however I want and not care whos paying attention. I can cry, I can scream, I can talk to Max, I can punch things, get mad, cuss, do whatever I need to do, without someone nagging or thinking telepathically out loud. When I am awake, and around other people, I try to go into my fun zone, where I sort of let myself go, often finding myself dancing, goofing around, acting stupid, and then when Max comes into my mind, I block him out and continue on my goofy, obnoxious rant, and then I get called annoying and stupid by my siblings and Ron and then when I am being my real, bum, lazy, grieving self, I get called lazy and useless. So thats where I am confused. I can never just have a happy medium. I am either obnoxious or almost dead. Or wishing I was I guess...

Ugh again back to my apology, for those who have kids and are my friend, I dont hate you or your baby, as I may have made it seem like that in my last post. I just have my moments where your children hurt me so bad. Its never IN the moment I am with your child. It is usually after everyones gone and I have time to myself to think. Ha, sounds like I am basically just a danger to myself I know. I just have so many unorganized thoughts and feelings and so everything is exaggerated in my head at the moment and nothing comes out right. Someone once said, "So how are you doing? You seem pretty okay?" It was irritating and I guess thats what I have made myself think I need to be sometimes. Is okay, which is why everything is so confused an unorganized in my head because I dont know whats normal for me or how I am really feeling and life is just a blur. Which is why I always come back to my bed... Where I feel connected to my son most, where I have time for him and I only. No one else. Just my one and only baby boy and me <3