My Status Is Baddest

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS / LOVE / DATING / STALKING:

2013-05-07T13:37:00.001-05:00

Love is expressed in many ways: A letter, a touch, a special song that says exactly what you are thinking but can't find the words to say yourself. Yes, there are many romantic ways to show love. Even on Facebook.

____ "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." (Imraan Jussab)
____ The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I think once we get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges, we can really make this relationship work. (Gwen Masterson)
____ You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. (Nikki Sholar)
____ You call it Russian Roulette. I call it coming home to my wife every day. (Hollywood Allan)
____ that awkward moment when you realize your husband DOES check Facebook. (Andi Rogers)
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. (Sean Shipley)
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. (Adam Apple)
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. (Sherman Dee Moose)
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? (Seb Diesel)
____ Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It's whatevs. (Matt Procella)
____ It's better to have loved and lost than to have me punch you in the esophagus. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Every now and then I like to reflect on marriage and think to myself, "Where would I be, if not for my husband?" Then I get all depressed and have to stop because I keep coming up with all these great answers. (Stacy Fournier)
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date. (Mustache Mann)

____ As I sit here in my boxers playing xbox, drinking beer, and covered in cheetos dust with a gravy stain on my shirt; I can't help but wonder, how am I still single? (Sean Shipley)
____ Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist. (Rita Filakia)
____ There ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. Unless its an actual mountain. Then forget it. (Ember Sclafani)
____ I thought that stalking my stalker would be a good idea, but we've both been stuck up this same tree for three days now. (Danny Coleiro)
____ You had me at "what's a restraining order?" (Mustache Mann)
____ I love watching Facebook relationships flourish into beautiful bonds...then watching them burn into a miserable and horrifying crash. (Jesse A Kinkead)
____ If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Never try to be someone you’re not, because then people are like, “Hey! You’re not my husband!” and then they call the police. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I always give women flowers after we've gone out for a week or two since they usually need cheering up at that point in our relationship... (See More)

FUNNY STATUS UPDATES ABOUT WORK / JOBS / THE OFFICE:

2013-05-01T14:32:00.000-05:00

Albert Einstein once said, "If A equals success, then the formula is A= X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." My readers have ignored Albert, thankfully, and have shared a bunch of humorous Facebook status updates about jobs. These will be particularly helpful for those of you about to graduate and enter the workforce. This is your future:

____ I wonder if I can figure out a way to get a hologram of myself to go to work tomorrow? (Beau Diggity)
____ My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn't have one damn ride. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Listening to customers at work has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ "Okay. Everyone here hates you and hopes you die" is, apparently, not what your boss is expecting when he exclaims "Tell me something I don't know!" (Danny Coleiro)
____ I don't have to be sitting on the "dock of the bay" to waste time, I do it perfectly fine in my office chair. (Crystal Mann)
____ If there are cameras in the elevators at work I'm in big trouble. (Toni Daniels)
____ I could never work for CSI. I would always want to run through the yellow crime tape like I just came in first place at a marathon. (Mike Seriously)
____ I love when my boss tells me I can work from home because, well, naps. (Jack Olivar)
____ Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we’re going to have to let you go." (Mike Seriously)
____ If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (Rob Parsley)
____ I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap...sell it for 1.8 million and retire. That's my plan. (Donny Norris)
____ Wrote my resume on a bar napkin. I got the job and they're sending me away on a 30 day business trip and they give you free key chains! :) (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse? (Beau Diggity)
____ The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work is that I'll probably never be able to retire. (Stacy Fournier)

____ Happy (outsourced) Labor Day! (Brandon M)
____ In 1987, my teacher made me write "I must hand my work in on time" five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway...I'm finally done. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do, I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is rude. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm not a doctor but I play one on Match.com. (Mike Seriously)
____ I worked as a photographer once and shot some weddings. Sooo much blood. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FYI wearing camouflage at your desk so no one sees you sleeping doesn't work. (Thomas Christopher)
____ At work during break, I sometimes stand by the coffee machine and wonder if a beautiful co-worker will come by and pour coffee over herself in slow-mo. That would be hot! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ So how long does this MSIB season last? I kinda need to get back to my job and stuff. (Nathan Drake)
____ I just walked into my coworker's office out of the blue, hugged him, and said "Hey, bro. For what it's worth, I think it was bullsh*t and I'm gonna miss you!" Then I quickly walked out while he frantically shouted "What? What?!" behind me. Hahahaha (Donny Norris)
____ I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Unfortunately, at no point during my workday, does anyone ever have a reason to shout my name and then toss me a sword. (John Jordan)

Do you have a funny status updates to share about working (or not working, for that matter)? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and post it! Thanks for reading! Oh, and a special congratulations to Maria Dugo -my favorite graduate. You will go far in life, provided you don't listen to me or any of these people on my blog. Good Luck!

I DIDN'T FACEBOOK YOU. VODKA FACEBOOKED YOU. MORE STATUS UPDATES ABOUT DRINKING / BEING DRUNK:

2013-04-24T00:46:00.001-05:00

ARE YOU TOO DRUNK TO COME UP WITH A FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE? MY BLOG AND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE HAVE PROVIDED WITTY, ALCOHOL-RELATED STATUS UPDATES SINCE 2009. HERE ARE SOME OF THEM:

____ Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk." (Jay'Arr Zone'Dee Stewart)
____ On Saturday mornings my kitchen counter looks like a beer memorial. (Lisa James)
____ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit on a boat all day drinking beer and holding a fishing pole. (Sarah Burns)
____ In college, I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking. (Chris Hallman)
____ If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do? (Kristie Jackson Schibbelhute)
____ If you're drunk enough, everything can be a piñata. (Mike Seriously)
____ I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is? (Rhoda Noland)
____ Still crazy after all these beers. (Lisa James)
____ Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Maneuver. (Jason Diederich)
____ I miss you like my hand misses holding a beer. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I may be drunk but that doesn't give you the right to take advantage of me...said myself to myself. (Jason Diederich)
____ Remember, if you get too drunk to drive tonight, drink until you pass out where you are. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just saw some statistics about the way that people walk when drunk. They were staggering! (Hollywood Allan)
____ Can't we just cut out the middleman and start watering orange trees with vodka?
(Jack Olivar)

DRUNK FACEBOOK

____ never plans on saying dumb things but then alcohol happens. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ This may be the best beer ever! But I'll drink the other 11 just to make sure. (Mike Seriously)
____ Alcohol doesn't make me an angry person, people do. (Nawnee Kuuipo K)
____ I don't know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ I've been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...(Hugh Jorgan)
____ Officer, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone that doesn't even know me. (Mustache Mann)
____ I did nothing all day long. I deserve a drink. (Stephanie Manera)

If you liked these, please consider becoming a FAN ON FACEBOOK. If you hate laughing and funny things, then it's probably not your thing. However, I DID say please, and that's really rare these days. Do you really want to hurt me?

FUNNY AND WITTY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT FACEBOOK:

2013-04-18T01:58:00.004-05:00

Not surprisingly, one of the most popular subjects discussed on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE is Facebook. We like to poke fun at Facebook, our friends on Facebook, the subjects currently being discussed on Facebook and so much more. Then, I sort the best ones by the amount of likes they receive. Here are a few of my favorite all-time status udpates about FACEBOOK. Thanks to everyone who has shared these over the years and continue to make the page the most original status update source around.

____ If you don't have Facebook...what do you do with your drunken rants and pics of food that nobody wants to read or see? (Mustache Mann)
____ A few short years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the unflattering pictures I took of myself in the bathroom. Not anymore! Thanks, Facebook! (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends. (Gail Pemberton)
____ If you have over 600 friends, you should NOT have to take a picture of yourself. (Mike Foster)
____ I wear a trench coat so that when people unfriend me I can just grab my boombox and stand outside their window with it over my head until they agree to take me back. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I often refrain from using the word 'f*ckwit' on Facebook because I'm worried it might automatically tag a million or so people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Some guy stole my status last night, re-worded it, and got more likes than I did. It was a friendly competition in the beginning. Now he's dead. Who wants to go ice skating with me? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ Just reached 241 Facebook friends. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, DAD?!?! (Jacob Grant)

____ When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? (Justin John Bernard)
____ I like having an ex-boyfriend...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning. (Carrie Danley)
____ I am so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got Facebook. So f*ck it. Sorry grandma. (Chris Hallman)
____ Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you gets out of a DUI. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I'm at a red light and this is all I have time to post. (Donny Norris)
____ If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what to do with all these pictures of my lunch I had lying around. (William Hale)
____ Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew* (Mustache Mann)
____ when I die, they will look at my Facebook statuses and realize that my life was not wasted. (Eric West)
____ Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways, if you agree like my status. (Jason Rossi)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we'd post pictures of us doing it on Facebook. (Kylie Toyne)
____ I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. (Chris Batchelor)
____ Who needs the movies? Everything is right here on Facebook...Explicit Language, Sex, Drama, Suspense, Conspiracy to commit murder...Oh hold up that's in my house...Oh well it's on Facebook too. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ I find it shocking that none of my High School classmates that made my life miserable for four years and sent me a friend request on FB, have bothered to post on my wall today! I'm starting to think we may not actually be friends. (Rae Broman)
____ Roses are red ; Facebook is blue. 0 mutual friends; Who the hell are you? (Enem Paul)
____ I put my Facebook status as "I kissed a girl" and then I liked it. (Daivys Burgos)
____ whenever a Facebook friend shares bad news, I try to cheer them up by hitting the "like" button and commenting "lmao"! (Brad Smith)
____ I don't even know 75% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook. Why, then, do I get so upset when I see that my friend count has gone down by one? (Jacob L. Grant)

TAX DAY IS MONDAY, APRIL 15TH. HERE ARE A FEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES REGARDING TAXES...BECAUSE IF WE DIDN'T LAUGH, WE'D PROBABLY CRY:

2013-04-13T12:09:00.000-05:00

Ahh, it's almost TAX DAY, Americans (April 15th). I've gone through my past blog posts to find the funniest status updates about this hideous time of year in which we fill out forms we know nothing about and hope to get money and stuff back from the government. Enjoy!

____ is looking for friends with tax benefits. (Lisa James)
____ would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I got BOMBED tonight and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I've ever played (Justin Sayson)
____ Oxymoron of the day: Tax Return (Cory Nation)
____ DID MY TAXES AND GOT SOMETHING BACK! The tax preparer turned his head and I made off with a stapler and 3 pens. (Donny Norris)
____ gets euphoric when I get my tax refund until I realize it was my money to begin with. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)

____ has been declared "legally dead" for tax purposes. (Scott Brady)
____ Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. (Dave Fletcher)
____ I got my tax refund yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to decide which vending machine to spend it at. (Sheree D. Mastern)
____ Can I add the voices in my head as dependents on my taxes? (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Hey folks, don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the government can give it to people that don't feel like working.
(Jeff Raynor)
____ "When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel
____ I take a bite of all my kids desserts to teach them early that life isn't fair and someone is always taxing your piece of the pie. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ H&R Block said I won't get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children. (Gerti Kola)
____ It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "A dollar saved is a quarter earned." -Oscar Levant
____ "Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -Herman Wouk

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with new status updates daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

FACEBOOK STATUS UDPATES ABOUT EXERCISE / WORKING OUT:

2013-04-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT EXERCISE / WORKING OUT:
____ I was going to start jogging today, but then I remembered that I own a car. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ There is always that one person at the gym who thinks they're in the Olympics. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Never thought I would be one of those people who got up early to hit the gym every day. I was right. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile. Therefore, frowning is the superior exercise. (Donny Norris)

____ One of my fitness goals is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without any help. (Stephanie Manera)
____ My aerobics instructor told me to follow along in class the same way I would when I'm working out to an exercise video at home. So I stopped for a snack break after 10 minutes and then I just left. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy. Oh, that’s a mirror! I need to go to the gym. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why i think of jogging every morning. (Enem Paul)
____ Just saw theres an exercise called Burpee's. Finally something I will be good at. I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**!(*=bourbon, **=pub) (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)

I'm going through thousands of status updates and categorizing them as they should have been from the beginning. I've been blogging about Facebook status updates since 2009. I will post a lot in the next few weeks. Thanks to everyone who reads and shares status updates from this blog or my FACEBOOK PAGE. You complete me!

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FAN PAGE:

2013-03-30T01:03:00.000-05:00

I'm trying a new format with my blog posts because I know how difficult it can be to search through the hundreds of status updates posted on MY FACEBOOK PAGE, desperately trying to find one that matches your current mood. I've often felt that many of you share my short attention span. Also, you are smart-asses. And brilliant. What was I saying again? I want a sandwich. Hey, where's my shoe?

Status updates about the internet and/or technology:
____ I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own. (Gary Hensley)
____ I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1979. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ There are so many scams on the internet now...Send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how you can avoid them. (Donna Hudon)
____ What if we are all just some losers Sims character? :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave for work without our phones? We made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks. (Cygnus X-one)
____ I told my teen to be wary of strangers and "weirdos" on the computer. She should not pay any attention to them. Leave that to mommy. (Stephanie Manera)
____ likes 0 photos on Instagram. (Danny Coleiro)

Status updates about Facebook and/or stalking:
____ I'm inappropriate on Facebook because I have to be appropriate and follow the rules in real life. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ "Hello 911?" My friend is posting a lot of statuses on Facebook and I can't keep up... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ why is it that when I meet people in real life they want to Facebook friend request me too? Isn't it enough you real life know me? Stalkers. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I'm married to him it doesn't mean I have to like him, right? (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you." (Jack Wagon)
____ You can steal my statuses if you want, but, I lick each one of them. With a cows tongue that I brought with me to a strip club. (Mustache Mann)
____ "Sure, you can share whatever you'd like! I enjoy our friendship and respect your thoughts and opinions! Unless I don't agree with you...then you're an idiot." -Everyone on Facebook (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)

Status updates about drinking/being drunk:
____ Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox. (Donna Hudon)
____ I don't plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I'm going to consume once I leave work. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I cry when a cop asks me to touch my nose during a sobriety test...because my uncle never gave it back. (Eric Caro)
____ I like to take a couple of shots of tequila every morning before work. It helps me be a team player. Instead of; " me, me, me", I walk around saying "WEEEEEEEEE!" (Dow Jones)

Facebook status updates about Music:
____ I haven't seen a good Johnny Cash status since I don't know when. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I'm shot through the heart and you're to blame, whether or not you give love a bad name is low on my list of priorities. (Jack Olivar)
____ Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. (Hollywood Allan)

Completely random and just plain weird status updates:
____ When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I'll be able to fit". (Jack Olivar)
____ Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Don't let the propeller hat fool you. I have no idea how to fly this plane. (Jack Wagon)
____ Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K. (Shabana Essack)
____ I went on a date with this guy and he took me to see a boring movie, so naturally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had his hand in my mouth and was trying to pull out one of my teeth!! We went out a few more times, but then he got weird. (Stacy Fournier)

Status updates about relationships / dating:
____ I know how to wink my eye in like, twelve different languages. (Jack Wagon)
____ Relationship status: BINOCULARS (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like online dating because your first couple of meetings you do from the comfort of your own couch, so you save on deodorant and shampoo and stuff. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar". (Shabana Essack)
____ My husband complains that I don't include him in enough things. That's bullshit. I just mentioned him in this status update. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I forgot how to play "hard to get" but I'm getting pretty good at "hard to get away from". (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm so excited! I just got a date for this Sunday! It's March 31st, 2013. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to. (Trish Gill)

Status updates about food:
____ If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're a f***ing idiot. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm sorry I ate your chef hat. I thought it was a giant cupcake. (Jack Wagon)
____ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like can I have some and I’m like no f*** off what do you think this is a charity? (Shabana Essack)
____ I can't be the only one who thinks that Olive Garden would be so much more successful if it was named "The Garden of Eatin'". (Jack Olivar)

Status update that contains a pun:
____ I'll bet it's easy to tell orphans from non orphans...the difference is a parent. (Jack Olivar)

Status updates that contain wordplay:
____ I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I lived in the Middle East I would totally have a camel and name him Cameul L Jackson. (Jack Olivar)
____ "I'm always raising eyebrows." - a plastic surgeon probably (Lisa James)
____ Whenever one of my friends posts that "they have principals" I call their local police because holding school administrators is probably illegal. (Jack Olivar)
____ I just went down to McDonald's in Harlem. I don't get what all the hype is about. This shake is pretty normal. (Jack Olivar)
____ We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I am never beside myself with worry because there being two of me standing side by side would only worry me more. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Notes to self: 1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem. 2. That’s stupid; don’t do that. 3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I only use curse-words for dramatic effuct. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Bondage...it's knot for everyone. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate it when people say "Take my word for it!" There are thousands of words in English, and I never know which one they mean. (Danny Coleiro)

Facebook status updates about Animals:
____ If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart, you can walk out with like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing. (Jack Wagon)
____ You must keep your eyes on the prize. Because the turtle who eats the grasshopper gets the worm. And like, everybody knows that. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I think it's sad that blow fish can't lose weight even though they have a cocaine addiction. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm guessing that the actual process of giving birth is what led to the extinction of the unicorn. (Jack Olivar)
____ I think it's pretty cool how storks are the only bird species that spent eight years in medical school to learn how to deliver a baby. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'll bet cats like the beach, because...well...giant litter box. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I was a kangaroo, I'd have like at least one potato sack race trophy on my wall. (Jack Wagon)

Status updates about having a bad day / stupid people:
____ Here walk a mile in my shoes. They're giving me huge blisters. (Lisa James)
____ Just when I manage to really convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ My background check bounced. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Nothing says "My life isn't going exactly as I planned" quite like being at WalMart at 1am. (Sean Shipley)
____ One of my favourite fantasies involves beating the $#@! out of stupid people. (Chesty La Rue)

Status updates about parenting / kids:
____ Not remembering where I set my drink down at parties must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ My wife wants me to stop referring to our kids as "those little sons of bitches". (Dave Prange)
____ My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists! (Stephanie Manera)
____ My daughter just sh*t in the toilet for the first time...which is surprising cause she's sevenf**kingteen. (Jack Wagon)
____ My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god, Herpes, today. I guess I should cross Harvard off his list of potential schools. (Jack Olivar)

Status update about my FAN PAGE:
____ Nurse: What is MY STATUS IS BADDEST?
Me: It's a place where we can post statuses for people to steal and hopefully make it to the blog website.
Nurse: ......
Me: ......
Nurse: So it is like a cult?
Me: (waits for a minute)...yes...(Eric Caro)

FUNNY BIRTHDAY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

2013-03-24T22:20:00.001-05:00

In an effort to better organize my website, I'm compiling status updates by subject. Whether it's your birthday or a Facebook friend's birthday, you can count on my FACEBOOK FANS and myself to help you avoid the obvious "Happy Birthday" wall post, which is almost worse than writing nothing at all. These have been collected over the course of several years. You may see a status update you have seen before. If this angers you, please send an email to my assistant at idonthaveanassistantyouidiot@yahoo.com. Thank you!

____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. (MSIB)
____ I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet. (Donny Norris)
____ Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday. (Mike Foster)
____ Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and screw everyone that forgot. (John E. Shalberg)
____ hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of their Facebook page. (Sherry Dyson)
____ My mom loves to remind me of that birthday where I ran around in my diaper throwing cake at people. ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR MOM, LET'S MOVE ON. (Gerti Kola)
____ Liking all the "Happy Birthdays" on your friend's wall at 2 am is the best way to say "Screw you, birthday boy." (Rory O'Donnell)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)

____ Yeah..yeah...okay, I get it. Years ago, your son shot right out of your vagina. Alright, calm down. Happy Birthday to him. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Lazy Rule #12: when you don't want to type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on. (Sarah Mode)
____ I feel like a ninja when I wish people a Happy Birthday on Facebook at 12:01am. (Laurie Hicks)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul. (Donny Norris)
____ At kids birthday parties I like to play a game with my best friend called "Go to the bathroom and snort cocaine."(Chesty La Rue)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birth-date to the next day to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook has made it completely impossible to complain that you were unaware of your friend's birthday. (MSIB)

Do you have a Facebook Status update about birthdays and you'd like to receive a virtual pat on the back? Post it on my FAN PAGE.

LOOKING FOR THE BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES? THEY'RE ON THIS WEBSITE. ALL OVER IT.

2013-03-04T01:55:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm behind on posting new status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE, which happens to be the best status update source on Facebook*!

*based on a recent study of Facebook pages, conducted by me.

I still haven't made it through the thousands of status updates posted last month, but here are the first 66 I liked, in no particular order:

____ "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies? (Matt Procella)
____ From now on when I accept a friend request I'll just write on their wall: You belong to me now. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where do we cash out these "Likes"? I need gas money, and by gas money I mean booze. (Jack Wagon)
____ Your roses are starting to wilt, the helium has seeped from your balloon, your candy is gone, you gained 3 pounds while you slept, you are left holding a Hallmark card that is identical to thousands and not special at all.... HAPPY POST VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE! (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a very modest person, mostly because I'm awesome. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I were a zebra I'd be pretty pissed they didn't name me tiger horse. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did the Jetsons ever explain why there weren't any black people in the future? (Leilani Christine)
____ Don't piss me off. I will "you! (Lisa James)
____ Say what you will about Lance Armstrong...but I think he's amazing! When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. (Shabana Essack)
____ I'm writing a funny new status about herpes, I hope you all get it. (Jack Olivar)
____ So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right...I ain't never gonna grow up. (Beau Diggity)
____ I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now." (Sean Shipley)
____ I ate a cracker today...forgot to post it on Instagram. *throws self down a flight of steps* (Jack Wagon)
____ Normally I can't dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just spilled 5 drops of gas, that's like $10.00 worth! (Lisa James)
____ Well, I guess now we have to change the expression to "who resigned and made you Pope?" (Dave Prange)
____ Just saved a whole lot of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'd like to thank the bars for being there for me. (Lisa James)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST is like that little hole in the wall that has the best steak and you don't want everybody to know about it. (Mustache Mann via Donny Norris)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST, will you be my Valentine? Don't make me get the van. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So... I met this girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, we were making love by Wednesday and I don't know the lyrics after that, sorry! :( (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I hate taking the bus to work, especially when I'm late. I can never find a place to park it. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My safe word is "Let's make a baby". (Chesty La Rue)
____ This gorgeous blonde, wearing nothing but an orange top hat, came up to me today riding on a panda, and accused me of taking hallucinogenic drugs. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?" (Eric Caro)
____ Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold. (Javier Spartikus Malave)

____ Apparently shrugging your shoulders is not the correct response to "OMG!, WHERE'S MY BABY?!!!" (Donny Norris)
____ Having a Facebook page reminds me a lot of high school...I make all the guys laugh then they go out with all the pretty girls. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Just saw there's an exercise called Burpee's. Finally, something I will be good at! I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ If I was an astronaut,I'd probably spend all my time trying to figure out how to get the Sun to cook that giant onion ring around Saturn. (Jack Wagon)
____ I don't know who's in charge of putting the little "tear here" signs on bags of Planters Peanuts but they need to fire his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ Just unknowingly picked up a cat turd off the floor with my bare hand, in case anyone was wondering how my night's going. (Lisa James)
____ It's been lovely but I have to scream now. (Chesty La Rue)
____ This procrastination feels like I'll be rushing to get shit done later. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON'T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS! (Donny Norris)
____ According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away." (Danny Coleiro)
____ Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that's your problem right there....you should have never tried that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook... (Eric Caro)
____ If you think you can charm me into bed with your smooth talking and your rugged good looks and expensive Champagne, then you Sir, are in for the night of your life. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Today makes the 42nd year in a row that I haven't wore a shirt with an alligator logo on it. (Jack Wagon)
____ When my self-delusion and your vivid imagination combine, this status is f***ing hilarious. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was just told I was not only creepy, but Christopher Walken creepy! This is a compliment, right? (Beau Diggity)
____ Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (Lisa James)
____ The number of words in your Starbucks coffee order is equal to the number of times I wanna kick the back of your head while standing in line. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This gas smells like I'm sniffing gas. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ Keep scrolling, I got nothing. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I always think of something sad when peeling onions so that I kill two birds with one stone. (Gathoni Anne)
____ No one wants to see any pictures of the flowers you receive today. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'm so lonely, I just thanked a spider for dropping by. Before I crushed him. Because I hate surprises. TEXT ME FIRST, A$$HOLE. (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ MSIB proverb: You can't have your status and like it too. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ If you've never walked around your house looking for your phone only to realize it was in your hand, you are obviously not me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Leaving aside the obvious risk of infection, wearing your heart on your sleeve puts an unnecessary strain on your arterial system. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong. Anyway, I'm off to buy a hammer, a nail, some jello, and a ceiling. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I'm motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas. (Donna Hudon)
____ I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter. (Jack Olivar)
____ They say the lack of preservatives leaves Capri Sun susceptible to fermentation. I have started stocking them up in my desk! (Lisa James)
____ Nicki Minaj telling contestants they're bad singers on American Idol is like Michael Jordan telling people they're bad at baseball. (Eric Caro)
____ I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and diarrhea to strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on. You had your chance! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka. (Dave Murawski)
____ Did I already do my deja vu joke? (Les Chinyanga)

The next 65 Facebook status updates are HERE. You are here. Thank you.

MY READERS POST THE MOST SARCASTIC FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ON THE INTERNET. SO, SO SARCASTIC...

2013-03-04T01:53:00.001-06:00

In an effort to catch up with the thousands upon thousands of hilarious Facebook status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have posted in 2013, I'm posting a ton of new stuff this week! Here are some more from February:

____ Turns out that in real life, whistling innocently while avoiding eye contact and slowly moving away from the scene of the crime is actually a dead giveaway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce. (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Whenever I'm at work and someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME." (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ Ok, F**k you, fitted sheet! I don't care what that lady in the youtube video says, it's impossible to fold you! I don't care if you look like s**t in the linen closet! Die, fitted sheet, DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ You can get away with farting in front of a baby...they have no idea what's going on. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Can't get warm today, left the flask at home. (Lisa James)
____ My lack of strength is my greatest weakness. (Dave Prange)
____ My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I am breathing wrong. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Is "you look like someone that enjoys good food" a compliment, or was I just called fat? (Donna Hudon)
____ I am going to write my wife a love poem and hand pick a bouquet for her because I am a hopeless romantic and cheap. (Donny Norris)
____ Not everyone gets the standard "How are you feeling?" prompt on Facebook. Nope. A few of my friends keep getting "What do you wanna bitch about THIS time?" or "There are dreadful things happening all over the world today. Discuss." At least that's my theory. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I dip my fist in sugar before I punch my enemies in the face. Sweet, Sweet Revenge. (Lisa James)
____ ♪♫ Everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut Footloose ♫♪ ~ Me, if I were a surgeon amputating a gangrenous foot. (Jack Olivar)
____ I opened a Facebook page for my blow-up doll but the excitement was short lived. Someone poked her. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I found an awesome way to make time go by really fast at the office! I call it sleeping. (Beau Diggity)
____ I put the dumb in wisdom....wait....that's not right. (Jack Olivar)
____ I always carry a banana in my pocket because I think it would be pretty cool if some gorgeous girl ever came up to me, winked, and said suggestively, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?", and then I could reveal the banana with a flourish and say "It's a banana in my pocket" and then she'd walk away disappointed and I'll never get laid and I haven't really thought this through and I hate bananas anyway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'll never join an online dating service. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way, through alcohol & poor judgement. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ That moment when you realize it's the other person in the room whose breath smells like shit and not yours. That. (Toni Daniels)
____ Roman Numerals...what are they good IV? (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held. (Elsie Daniels Broadnax)
____ I only post status updates when I have something else I definitely should be doing. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Now that the Post Office has stopped Saturday mail service, I guess I'll have to send off my ransom notes earlier in the week. (Eric Caro)
____ Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to, Mom! (Jack Wagon)
____ Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit? (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just knew that she would calm down and give into my charm after that 30 minute chase throughout an alley. (King Julien)
____ Here's to the Superbowl! A day where fat, middle-aged, balding men sit on their couches scarfing beer and hoagies, screaming at 20 year old athletes that they're doing it wrong. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Backwards written is this realise to you take it did long how? But not this bit. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sorry I'm late, my car turned into a giraffe and I've never driven a giraffe before. (Shabana Essack)
____ I predict that World War 3 is going to be a Facebook fight. (Marené Gouws)
____ The only thing better than a guy with chocolate is just the chocolate. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven. (Hollywood Allan)
____ In 1989, someone told every woman named Barb that their hair looked good and they've been doing it the same ever since... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills. (Jack Wagon)
____ WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO HAS VIEWED YOUR PROFILE! Donny Norris' profile has been viewed by: 325 men, 409 women, 8 ATF agents, The FBI, 18 cats, A psychiatrist and YOU! (Donny Norris)
____ If any illiterates are reading this, you're probably not. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee. (Cygnus X-one)
____ There's probably no cause for alarm, but if any of you happen to know how to stop the timer on a home-made nuclear bomb, a really quick reply would be great. Thanks. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I've had just about enough of everything today. Except alcohol, of course. I definitely need more of that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did my Friday morning exercises: 50 jumping for joy jacks and 15 heel clicks. (Lisa James)
____ How to cuss a kid out: "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!" (Donna Hudon)
____ I went to the cinema last night. I had to buy 6 tickets because there was this stupid bitch that kept tearing them up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My doctor misdiagnosed me with OCD. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind as soon as I get the magazines organized in the waiting room. (Toni Sinclaire)
____ "I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body." (Richard Earle Crown)
____ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (Lisa James)
____ Opening up a piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth really fast before my kids can even see it is one out of the many hidden talents I posses. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Relax, we're all crazy. It's not a competition. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I'd look out the window for that. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just once I'd like to see a judge take a verdict slip from the jury, look at it, turn and say:"Are you f#*kin kidding me?!?!" (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the Hell are you doing?" (Donnie Ray Howell)
____ Use yes and no once. 1) Are you Stupid?: “_____.” 2) Are you lying?: “_____.” (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I get so nervous when someone compliments me. I don't know what to say. Someone: You are looking awesome today. Me: Happy Birthday. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Billie jean is probably my favorite song about a guy getting out of child support. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If you ever bend over in front of your man and he DOESN'T smack you on the ass, somethings amiss. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I still giggle when the ketchup farts. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ Allow me to introduce my selves. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Off course Bruce Willis is gonna keep playing the same movie roles.You know what they say about old habits... (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ If you have a bladder infection you know Urine trouble. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Oh you have morals? You must be new here. (Donna Hudon)
____ I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait till you're smarter. (Donnie Ray Howel)

Do you love inspirational Facebook status updates? Do you want to help make your Facebook friends better people? You are lost. These status updates are nothing like that.

2013-01-16T00:04:00.000-06:00

My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been busy the last few days. Many of you have suggested shorter blog posts more often, but I wanted to publish this long list tonight because they are too funny not to. Thanks, everyone! :)

____ Sometimes I like to go to McDonald's and order two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. (Jack Wagon)
____ Honestly, nine times out of ten, when you say "know what I mean?", I don't. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just managed to walk over hot coal without burning my feet. F***ed up my shoes though. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I'm not having kids until there is an extendable slapping hand that can pop out of the backseat. Safety first. (Lisa James)
____ My favorite vegetable is bacon. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I can't stand the kind of people that act like the kind of people I can't stand. (Mike Seriously)
____ They said if I don't stop talking about boobs, they'll send me to the mental institute. Lol, ins-TIT-ute. (Bate Mann)
____ Hey newbies, say goodbye to your life. MSIB has you now. (Adam Apple)
____ Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder what my life would be like if I actually had one. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I will probably literally die of sleep deprivation if Facebook ever adds a dislike button. (Connie Day)
____ I put laxatives in my bosses slim fast. She's gonna be so skinny! (Lisa James)
____ I love looking at my coworker from across the room and making the throat cutting gesture to her while no one else is looking. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ Screw doing situps...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them. (Jack Olivar)
____ I like to make a comment, then "edit" what I say, to make your reply look stupid. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm probably the oldest person crying in this McDonald's ball pit. (Chesty La Rue)
____ What a shocking and upsetting day! Found a letter in the mail this morning that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no-one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just saved a bunch of money on hair gel by wearing this porcupine on my head. (Jack Wagon)
____ Everyone is calling me Mr. Paranoid. I just know it. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I just noticed that what's worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. (Adam Apple)
____ I always keep a golf club by the side of my bed when I'm asleep. Just so if anyone breaks in, they'll know I play golf and that I'm too boring to have anything worth stealing. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Woot woot! 14 thousand of us liking this page warms my cockles! (Donna Hudon)
____ If I ask a girl out to dinner and she suggests getting coffee instead, I purposely show up 10 minutes late hoping she bought her own coffee. (Mike Seriously)
____ The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm all alone in a abandoned hospital and my flash-light isn't working properly. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just got called a "pretty young lady" from a 95 yr old man. Guess who just brought sexy back? (Toni Daniels)
____ Sunglasses...to protect my eyes from the sun and to protect others from seeing the storm behind them. (Stephanie Manera)
____ If I was in charge of making a sign describing our penal code, the exhibitionist in me would invite the community to witness its erection. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ That scary moment when you realize your arm or leg is hanging off your bed... then quickly bring it back in so the boogie man won't get you. (Jack Wagon)
____ Last night once again proved that drunk texting is one of my hobbies, but not one of my talents. (Donna Hudon)
____ "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife. (Donny Norris)
____ I think that boa constrictors get a bad rap. They don't mean to hurt anyone they are just really really caring and who doesn't need a hug? (Jack Olivar)
____ A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ If you get hit by a smooth criminal... Michael Jackson will appear and ask you if you are okay like a thousand times. (Jack Wagon)
____ I don't get why people have to lie to sound important. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fight crime with The Avengers. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Be honest... you're a macroverbumsciolist, aren't you? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I hate having narcolepssssssssssssss (Danny Coleiro)
____ I always thought the song "I can see clearly now the rain has gone", was a tad insensitive to people who wear glasses. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Yes!! I took Happy Birthday and made it into one word, HappyBirthday so I could save it as a word and not have to type it out evryyyyyyy freaking time. I know, I am a horrible person, whatever. (Donny Norris)
____ Research shows that 68 percent of people find something "almost" dirty in every post. (Bate Mann)
____ The best thing about long fingernails is that you can store stuff like little pieces of potato chips as a snack for later. (Lisa James)
____ How is the award for the Oscars not a fuzzy green Muppet? (Jack Olivar)
____ If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time. (Ken Champaign)
____ If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd start thinking about you. (Chesty La Rue)

____ Hey, just so ya know, sometimes I poke ya while I am wearing socks. (Beau Diggity)
____ Hey baby, "lick" my post and I'll "like" yours. Oops, that was a typo, but I don't have time to go all the way back to the first sentence and change it to "like".
(Mustache Mann)
____ Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just want you to know that, of all the f***s I don't give, it's the one I don't give about you that I love the most. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Ordering coffee with a coworker who's a vegan. She looks at me, and goes, "I don't believe in sugar". I'm like, "Bitch, it exists!" (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ You see a raisin, I see a grape that escaped many potential deaths and lived to a wonderful old age. (Jack Olivar)
____ A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious." (Donna Hudon)
____ This synesthesia tastes funny. And yellow. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego (Indigo Fayth Johnson)
____ Ughh...it's Tit for TAT, you fucking moron.... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I've always been a bad-ass. When I was little I melted my barbies and wore them around my neck! (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I've just realised that 547 of my 700 facebook friends are actually my own fake profiles. (Danny Coleiro)
____ What we need around here is more cowbell. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ If I was a florist I'd probably be fired quickly. First time someone asked "Where are the daisies?", I'd tell them "Look on the calendaries" (Jack Olivar)
____ Did you know that a Great White shark can completely devour a human being in under 2 minutes ?..I just timed it. (Chesty La Rue)
____ You know Facebook, you're getting a little creepy with this asking me whats happening, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing etc. Next you'll be asking me what I'm wearing. (Gail Pemberton)
____ I nibbled on her ear and she sighed and said....."GET YOUR OWN DANG CORN ON THE COB!" (Donny Norris)
____ I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions. (Cygnus XI)
____ My apologies, I am now just blatantly wasting your time by typing absolute drivel. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I want a GPS unit with Stephen Hawking's voice. (Eric Caro)
____ Dear Facebook friends, please refrain from updating your status with weather updates as I, like most people, own windows. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Mood swings? I have a mood amusement park, bitch! Hahaha... sob. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My one friend hates it when I correct his speech, and hates it even more when I correct his writing. Especially in his diary. (Pieter Frikkie Pretorius)
____ I have a fear of speedbumps, but I'm slowly getting over them. (Cygnus XI)
____ He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up. (Trish Gill)
____ I'm not sure why you decided to discuss your cramps and extra heavy flow while in line at McDonald's but I will now take my burger without ketchup. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I poured liquor into my pudding so I can yell out "the proof is in the pudding!"...... Just kidding. I'm a raging alcoholic. (Mike Seriously)
____ My son brought home his new girlfriend for Sunday dinner. The verdict? Flat-chested, fat cankles, and a cottage-cheese ass. Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! (Hollywood Allan)
____ "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously", she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Nickelback album. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I thought that by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead we have pocket catheters and Honey Boo Boo. (Tracy Love)
____ I wonder how many days of one's life have been wasted watching Days Of Our Lives? (Just Sage)
____ Love is: sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries from McDonald's. (Necole Monique Lafayette)
____ Honey Boo Boo’s mother has a boyfriend and you’re single...Just let that sink in for a minute. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ Facebook: where all your stupid questions can be answered by stupider people. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I'm studying your updates carefully. If I "like" yours, that's code for "I'll drink to that". (Edward Ng'ang'a)
____ Until you've played around with crazy, how will you recognize sanity? (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ Time to make some major changes in my life. For starters, I'll be drinking and smoking three times as much as I do now. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So apparently Lance Armstrong had a ball on Oprah's show. But I understand he got a little teste. (Mark Andrews)
____ if you begin any statement with "honestly" in your argument you're lying. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ For the record, peanut butter and pineapple juice enemas are a bad idea...So very bad... (Brandon Eaves)
____ To-do list: Practice pterodactyl screech for Monday morning meeting. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Vodka. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ Hey, doofus, know how I know you're not writing your own status? Because you spelled everything right. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I'm not saying you are a pain in the ass but you and a festering, red boil on a buttcheek have A LOT in common. (Susan Evon Cross)

Do you like these? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK!

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT 2013:

2012-12-31T02:05:00.000-06:00

Last year, I didn't compile status updates about the New Year. Perhaps I was overwhelmed by the 300+ status updates posted daily on my FAN PAGE at the time. I'm going to post as many as I can find and post them now. Disclaimer: If the original status update referenced "2011", I changed it to "2012" because I felt like it and I'm the boss of you. Thanks for sticking around during this peculiar year. I can't wait to see what you unpredictable and demented people come up with in 2013!

___ My New Year's resolution is to take up a new hobby, like jogging. I just hope it doesn't interfere with my other hobby: lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This year, instead of making New Year's resolutions, I'm making Old Year resolutions, where I look back at the things I did and pretend that's what I set out to do. (Danny Coleiro)
____ One of my New Year's resolutions is to see Snakes on a Plane. Not the movie. I just really wanna smuggle some snakes onto a plane this year. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm trying every microbrew and major brand beer from around the globe. Yup, THIS is my New Beer's resolution. (Mustache Mann)
____ If I remember New Year's Eve, there is something seriously wrong. (Adam Apple)
____ New Year's Resolutions are for people who don't have the willpower to stay the same. (Donny Norris)
____ Well, by this time Tuesday, I will have broken every single one of my resolutions. (Bob Brittain)
____ I'm randomly selecting one of your profile pics to print and make out with at midnight. (Mya Sisnice)
____ New Years Resolution #1: Don't throw up (Tom Guntorius)
____ My New Year's Resolution #1: Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals. (Dotty Joyner)
____ All ready for my New Year's Eve party. I forgot the noisemakers so I just told my friends to bring their kids. (Lisa James)
____ Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere. (Helen Waite)
____ 2013 New years Resolution: Let's try NOT to be throwing up hot Gatorade at 8 a.m. on Jan 1st. (Amy Horisk)
____ For a couple of weeks now I've been trying to come up with a few meaningful, attainable New Year's resolutions but I've come to the conclusion that I'm perfect & I don't need to change a damn thing. (Jerry Pisano)
____ How much do you have to drink to forget a year? Whatever that is, that is what I will drink on New Year's Eve. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I tried to reflect back over this year but I can't remember past 5 p.m. yesterday. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm going to spend New Year's Eve the same way I spend any other night of the year...getting horribly smashed and falling asleep in my neighbor's shrubs. (Bob Brittain)

Need more? Try THESE.

MORE STATUS UPDATES ABOUT THE NEW YEAR:

2012-12-31T01:32:00.000-06:00

Need a few more Facebook status updates about the New Year? Check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE today to see what my smart-ass readers have to say about it.

____ I've decided to raise the bar for my New Year's resolutions. This one is too short to lean against while drinking. (Mustache Mann)
____ My New Year's resolution is to get so smashed I black out for the cab ride home, puke on my neighbors porch and wake up in bed with strangers. Same as last years. (Chasity Myers)
____ Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year? (Quirky Sally)
____ A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. (Veronica Stone)
____ My biggest accomplishment in 2012 is writing "accomplishment" without typos. (Adam Apple)
___ My probation officer just called to see if I wanted to go party with her on New Years Eve...I smell a trap. (Tom Guntorius)
____ The lady at the liquor store just wished me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It's like, come on, you know you will see me at least 4 more times before then. (Sean Kylen)
____ My New Year's resolution is to stop talking to those people who keep asking me about my New Year's resolution. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I don't do New Years Resolutions. I do New Years Reservations. First I pick a restaurant. Then I'm like, hope this year doesn't suck. (Lisa James)
____ I bid ye all a Happy New Year and thank ye for the last 365 days of mirth, merriment and hilarity. (Danny Coleiro)
____ New Years Resolution: Don't stick tongue in toaster. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ My New year's resolution is to beat the hell out of anyone who makes a New year's Resolution. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Well, now that all this Christmas love happiness and charitable crap is over, down to the important things...like what hooker dress to wear for New Year's eve. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Happy New Year, everyone! (I stole this status) (Kim Stewart)

Some of you got a little sentimental about our FAN PAGE, and it made me happy:

____ Happy New Year to the person behind the scenes of MSIB and to all who take center stage on a daily basis and keep me laughing constantly. You remind me that no matter how shitty life can be at times, laughter is a cure-all. And a special thank you to beer, I couldn't have done it without you. Happy New Year! (Bob Brittain)
____ It's been a great year for the MSIB fan page. I've met so many new amazing, funny, witty, and genuinely awesome people this year. So, as I'm going to be getting blasted this evening, a huge part of it is going to because of this room, and the awesome people I've met. Cheers! (Mike Seriously)
____ If I have to thank 1 person for making 2012 way better for me It will have to be the person behind MSIB for being the link to you people. You know who you are...love you. (Adam Apple)
____ Happy New Year to those who make me laugh every day when I've needed it most. This page & the people on it are a gift :) (Liz Barrand)

YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU LOVE FACEBOOK AND YOU LOVE STATUS UPDATES, RIGHT?

2012-12-24T04:12:00.000-06:00

You are likely here because you want a Facebook status update that will make your friends laugh. If that is the case, I like you already. There are a lot of grumpy people on Facebook this year. A lot of whiny people whining about a lot of stuff. You, however, have chosen to help your Facebook friends escape the negativity that may surround them. Facebook would suck without people like you!
If you've followed my blog for a long time, you may know that both of my parents are battling cancer. I could go into more detail, but I won't. I could write paragraph after paragraph about how hilarious and awesome they are and that they fill me with hope and gratefulness every day, but I won't.

**Mom and Dad dancing at a wedding reception last month. **

I will say that they make me laugh. All the time. They always have. Even now, their humor is captivating to me. However, right now they could use something unexpected to give them some laughter, joy, HOPE. My wish is for them to go to the mailbox and see it filled with funny postcards or letters by my humorous readers from all over the world. Please send some cheer to: Mom and Pop MSIB - P.O. Box 1824, Maryland Heights, MO, 63043. It will only take a few minutes to make their lives a little brighter. They can't travel, but I have readers from all over the globe and they would love to see who you are, where you are from, and why you know their weirdo kid. This is my Holiday wish. Happy Holidays to my second family over at MY STATUS IS BADDEST! Much love, MSIB :)

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD:

2012-12-20T11:56:00.006-06:00

My FACEBOOK FANS have been very busy writing about our impending doom tomorrow. You'd think they would be out getting drunk or building that treehouse they always wanted, but whatever. Thanks, guys. I sure will miss you wacky bastards!

____ Can someone tell me why we are putting so much faith in the Mayans? They couldn't even predict Spanish guys in funny hats destroying their civilization much less the end of the world. (Jack Olivar)
____ The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just two weeks 'til the end of the Mayan calendar and the start of the apocalypse. I hope it's not as devastating as Y2K was. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hope the Mayans were right, because I've run out of storage space for all these f***s I don't give. (Danny Coleiro)
____ According to the Mayans this will be the last Monday ever. I hope they are right because I just flipped my desk, shot my boss with the stapler and told the whole office to suck my balls. Man I'm gonna miss Mondays, (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Preparation for End of the World, 15 days to go: Filling basement with lots of beer. (Lisa James)
____ I'm out of ice cream. Looks like the Mayans were right. (Imraan Jussab)
____ Sorry Mayans. The world won't be ending on the 21st of December. Apparently it already ended this morning when I left the toilet seat up. (Joe Felli)
____ You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My wife and I were fighting over a really old calendar. She said it was hers, but it was actually Mayan. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If the Apocalypse doesn't happen, don't worry. People will be posting "It's not the end of the world!" jokes all f***ing day long on Facebook.(Mys ter E)
____ If the world dosen't end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.(Donny Norris)
____ I'm taking Pre-Orders for some new merchandise: "The World was supposed to end but I'm still alive and I all got was this lousy t-shirt". (Lisa James)
____ Thanks to the Mayans, we'll never get to experience 13/13/13. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I've been preparing for the zombie apocalypse my whole life by ordering my steaks rare and being completely dead inside. (Connie Day)
____ World is going to end in 5 days and YOU are worried about how I GOT INTO YOUR CAR? (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I've decided to quit smoking. I want to be fit enough to lift a 32 inch flat screen during the "end of the world" looting coming up. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ "Well, this is awkward..." - the Mayans. 22-12-12. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tonight in MSIB news, the Mayan calendar draws to a close. A select few have prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse, which the government has openly stated will end mankind. The leader of the resistance, Donny Norris, states: "With proper, pre-planned stockpiles of food, ammunition, and knowledge of how to live off the land, mankind can survive. However, NHL fans? All hope seems doomed." (Dave Murawski)
____ The Mayan Calendar predicted that on 12-21-12, there would be some really bad status updates about 12-21-12. Like this one. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'd like to confess, before the world ends, that I don't really like anybody's status. Unless the Mayans were wrong. In which case, you're the best thing to ever happen to the Internet. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So what if I can't spell "Armagedon"? It's not the end of the world. (Les Chinyanga)
____ Does anyone know what time the world is ending on the 21st? That would be helpful information. (Lisa James)

EVEN MORE HOLIDAY SEASON STATUS UPDATES FROM MY READERS:

2012-12-19T19:16:00.001-06:00

Tis the season to share the Holiday status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have shared:

____ As I scroll through my Facebook feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of moonshine and I pass out on the floor. (My Status Is Baddest)
____ In my state it's not illegal to pepper spray someone on your property. Christmas carolers and UPS men be forewarned. (Thomas Christopher)
____ All I want for Christmas is for my family is to stop wanting for Christmas. (Norm Butler)
____ On the 12th drink of Christmas, I was drunk. (Lisa James)
____ This year, for Christmas, I want my money back. (Danny Coleiro)
____ It's that time of year again when commercials remind me that I will never get a car with a damn bow on it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ "Glo-o-o-o-o-or, o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-oooor-ia... x32" - someone who wasn't very creative when it came to writing lyrics for Christmas carols. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I am officially in the Christmas spirit...by which, I mean, I hate everyone and everything and drink copious amounts of booze and pass out a lot. (Bob Brittain)
____ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I'll pop open the red and drink that. (Ruth Mcconnachie)
____ For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So when someone asks you "Where is your Christmas Spirit?" are you supposed to point out your liquor cabinet? (Lori Anne)
____ Can't wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer. (Sara Lavoie)
____ "I know this time of year we concentrate on the North Pole, but my South Pole could really use some of your attention" - from my collection of failed Christmas pickup lines (Jack Olivar)
____ If you see me at the store and I'm wearing a big puffy coat zipped all the way up and I'm acting all anxious and shifty-eyed, don't strike up a conversation with me. I just got your Christmas gift. You don't want to be an accessory. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Does anyone know what a 'Fa Call' is? Because that's what my wife said she got me for Christmas this year. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Do you like real ones or fake ones? HEY! I was talking about Christmas trees, you pervert! (Dotty Joyner)

MORE HOLIDAY SEASON / CHRISTMAS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

2012-12-12T15:40:00.003-06:00

More Holiday Season status updates posted by my FACEBOOK FANS over the last few years...

____ All I want for Christmas is a go-go gadget bitchslapping arm. Is that too much to ask? (Lisa James)
____ My favorite part of Christmas is family dinner and all the drunken confessions. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that. (Helen Long)
____ Every time this status goes unliked a reindeer dies. (Rob Parsley)
____ My kids still think that mistletoe comes in sandwich bags. (Mustache Mann)
____ Santa is Satan misspelled. I'm on to you, Fatman. (StevieLyn Green)
____ Ok, I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors are convinced my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram. Oh dear! (Donny Norris)
____ Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2012. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Yeah, I can see where decorating your office for Christmas takes priority over you actually doing the job you're getting paid for. While you're at it you might as well decorate the bathroom too, someone might actually give a sh*t in there. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ This is my Christmas letter. The kids are getting big and sh*t, some old people died this year and sh*t, you should be receiving the lame holiday post card with the gaudy holly borders of me and the fam on the beach this summer. We are having weather and sh*t and we love you and miss you and sh*t. -Me. This is how they might as well all read. (Donny Norris)
____ "Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count. (William Hale)
____ I hope my mum gives me money for Christmas this year instead of another musical jewelry box that plays "Someday My Prince Will Come." (Mya Sisnice)
____ I would like to beat the Christmas Spirit into some folks. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Everyone I Know, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come just left and it looks like you're getting jack sh*t from me again this year. Merry Christmas! (Bob Brittain)
____ Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room! (John Jordan)
____ We don't have mistletoe at Christmas, so we just kiss under the influence. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You have 5 minutes to repost this to 8 of your closest friends and loved ones or you will have 7 years of bad luck, a broken mirror, a black cat crossing your path, leftover spaghetti in your hair, 4 chicken wings, 2 ugly Christmas sweaters, and a partridge in a pair of trees. (Juliet Abram)
____ I'm making everyone's Christmas gifts this year, so if you were thinking about friending me you may want to wait until the New Year. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Lets just forget about Christmas past and remember to get my Christmas present. (Lisa James)
____ Ok, I've got Christmas covered. Tons of boxes wrapped and under the tree. Nothing is in them. I'm going to stage a break-in on Christmas Eve, hide the boxes and lie to the kids about all the cool stuff that got stolen. (Donny Norris)
____ I just stole Santa's naughty list! Ironically, it's almost identical to my friends list. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If Santa doesn't bring me something good I'm going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight. (Thomas Christopher)

FACEBOOK, STOP BEING SO NOSY.

2012-12-09T02:18:00.000-06:00

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL GET LIKES:

2012-12-03T23:47:00.000-06:00

____ I hate going to elementary school concerts. I can never find a designated driver. (Connie Day)
____ Let's run away together.. Lol jk, I have asthma. (Leesie Boo Broadnax)
____ Well stranger lady, your first mistake was liking my post. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I'm in a public bathroom stall and this little kid peeks under the door while I'm peeing, and everyone laughs and thinks it's so cute...but I do it, and they call security. WTF. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I'm going to rewrite history. History. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ You made me so upset. I'm not texting to you anymore. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I know I'm not the only one who uses empty xmas wrapping tubes to bonk someone over the head. (Snuffle Real Loudiguess)
____ The Lottery's "Hey, You Never Know" slogan also works for genital warts. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ If you spend more time admiring your own posts then you do reading everyone else's, you're self absorbed. If you do the opposite, you're a stalker... Makes sense. (Mandeh Moo)
____ Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskksdhfousg. THIS IS KELLY'S HUSBAND, SHE HAS TO GO NOW, KELLY SAYS GOODNIGHT. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I had Ants in my Pants until they all died in a horrible fire...because I lied :-( (Eric Caro)
____ Remember, kids: If you ever catch on fire 1) Open the door 2) Get on the floor 3) Everybody walk the dinosaur. (Mike Seriously)
-->

____ My Rice Krispies tell me to do some weird shit, so I let vodka make a lot of the decisions. (Rita Filakia)
____ I no longer bring women home because my dad stabs them with a knife to make sure they're not inflatable...and then I have to buy a new one. (Mike Seriously)
____ I stand up for what I believe in, which makes believing in sitting down really hard to do. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I f***ing guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook. (Mike Seriously)
____ It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it. (Jack Olivar)
____ You know how you shine a laser on the floor and make your dog run into stuff? I was running through the house pointing the laser for the dog and I ran straight into the wall and damn near knocked myself out. The laser is no longer funny. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I woke up this morning from a dream I was swimming in a river of orange soda, then I realized it really was a Fanta sea. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Honey...your 10 lb makeup bag tells me all I need to know about your fake ass personality. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't quote me on this... but I was told a secret that people who say, "Don't quote me on this" are the same people who can't keep a secret. (Jack Wagon)
____ I like to play this drinking game where I take a shot at every red light and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children. (Mike Seriously)
____ I dont have a police record but I think I have a Sting cassette tape somewhere (Mys ter E)
____ Scroll down for the most hilarious post ever...
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Scroll back up for the biggest lie ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Eat shit and die" ~ every fly's bucket list, probably. (Jack Olivar)

NEED TO BORROW A FEW SMART STATUS UPDATES IN ORDER TO APPEAR HILARIOUS ON FACEBOOK? I HAVE 73-ISH.

2012-12-03T00:02:00.000-06:00

Thanks to everyone who posts status updates on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. 13,700 people have chosen to take time out of their busy Facebook schedules to click the "LIKE" button. It wouldn't survive without the funny people who share their status updates, expecting nothing but the warm, fuzzy feeling they receive when others "like" it.

____ Whenever I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I remember I'm allergic to peppermint and drop to the floor in a seizure. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place? (Jack Olivar)
____ There's no place like home, unless you're homeless, in which case everywhere is like home. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap. (Jack Olivar)
____ You can learn a lot about people just by hiding under their bed. For example, this one likes to scream a lot. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I ALWAYS hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van :( (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes instead of "poking" you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend". (Tom Guntorius)
____ The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today I met a lady who not only knew the meaning of 'meretricious', but also had a mean right-hook. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My credit report said, "Return everything you just bought, except for the hooker heels...you're going to need those." (Toni Daniels)
____ I lost my shirt in the stock market today...also I think my pants. I got a little drunk at lunch, and apparently now I'm banned or some crap. (Jack Olivar)
____ What good is it to be cool if you don't get to wear a sombrero? (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people. (Sean Shipley)
____ My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I'm just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I'm tired of fighting. (Nadja Bara)
____ What's the difference between a pencil and a strawberry? One's a fruit, you idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I love my Tiara ! I don't give a f*ck what those jealous bitches in my spinning class say. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My hands are almost exactly as cold as my heart right now. (Lisa James)
____ Ho, Ho, Ho and a bottle of rum - How I do my Christmas shopping. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy. (Toni Daniels)
____ The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener. (Lisa James)
____ Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you. (Mike Seriously)
____ The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible. (Jack Olivar)
____ It's just occurred to me that I have never actually seen anyone lick their lips in anticipation of a good meal. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I think tomorrow evening, I am going to drive down to the local emergency room and call the boss from there and tell him, "I can't come in tomorrow, I am in the emergency room right now." If I hang up fast enough, I think that would not be considered a lie and a pretty damned good excuse for not going into work. (Beau Diggity)
____ Don't tell me I don't know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm going for a run I'm back. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist. (Street Slim)
____ New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak". (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I'm not trying to sound racist, but all baby ultrasound pictures look alike. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Whoever won the powerball, will be praying hard for the world to not end this December. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Fb, should stop suggesting me people I may know. Why would I wanna add the people I have taken money from? (Bate Mann)
____ I never make condescending jokes here. Mainly because you probably wouldn't get them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ RIP Jimi Hendrix. Just think, if you were alive today, you could get 1800 hits on YouTube doing a cover of Gangnam Style & watch music slowly die. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I've got bags of confidence...or "cocaine" as it's better known. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I don't have a narcissistic bone in my smoking hot body. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I saved a ton of money on Christmas gifts this year. Thank You Mayans. (Mustache Mann)
____ My love life is best best described as a portion of microwaved lasagna: Steaming hot in some parts, inexplicably frozen in others (Eric Caro)
____ We played some great drinking games when I went to Africa this summer...like, "the last one to find water dies". (Rita Filakia)
____ I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body, my yard is full. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ If you were looking for me this morning? I was passed out on my neighbor's lawn trying to blend in with the deflated-blowup-Santa lawn ornament...(Amy Smith Wexler)
____ "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left." - Where you can find the bodies in my storage unit. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero. (Connie Day)
____ It's so cute when I see people show affection in public...but when I do it, they're like "Sir, please get your penis out of my arm pit." (Jack Wagon)
____ The makers of the 5hr energy drink need to start making a 5hr nap drink. Fair is fair. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So this cop stopped me and asked for my license. I offered him a donut & said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed...Oh, and I got arrested. (Shabana Essack)
____ Oh sure the White House is allowed to have a kill list but as soon as I have one everyone's all "you have the right to remain silent". (Lisa James)
____ You know how, at a party, when people find out that you're a doctor, they start showing you their cuts and bruises and asking for advice? Well, I've been telling women that I'm a gynecologist and it doesn't work like that, apparently. (Danny Coleiro)
____ *finds four leaf clover* *buys lottery ticket* *wins lottery* *runs outside yelling in excitement* *gets struck by lightning* (Jack Wagon)
____ Listen, I’m a girl. So please don’t ask me what a transmission is because I don’t know anything about sports. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I taught my kids everything I know, which is why they're dumb as bricks. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I hate when you playfully give someone a wet willy and they act all surprised and grossed out. If you don't like that kinda thing, don't take so long at the ATM, lady! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ If you say stuff like "Okeydoke!" when you put the car in drive, and "Alrighty!" when you put the car in park, you can just drop me off here. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ Is it too much to ask for an attractive, hot stalker? I mean, come on, seriously! (Chesty La Rue)
____ So did DMX ever find out where his dogs were? Did he put up posters or just write that song? (Jack Olivar)
____ We were so poor when I was a kid my Dad used to go outside on Christmas Eve and shoot a rifle in the air and tell us Santa just committed suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm like one of those Matryoshka dolls, once you get through all the layers I'm pretty much empty inside. (Jack Olivar)
____ I attempted a leap of Faith today but accidentally kicked her in the head. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Driving by a hitchhiker holding their thumb up, thinking "Like". (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver. (Gerti Kola)
____ I just threw up my weekend. (Danny Coleiro)
____ 98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit. (Rita Filakia)
____ My soulmate will be the first girl I see who rocks air drums to the "In the Air Tonight" solo. (Eric Caro)
____ I can't be the only guy who created a Facebook profile called "Death" and started friend requesting all the senior citizens on here, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ Say "cheese!" because I want you to look like a complete f***ing idiot in this picture. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ A good sled can cost up to $300, but you can get one for under $100 if you're willing toboggan. (Randy Masters)
____ My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box. (Mys ter E)
____ Sprint is starting to treat me like I have no shirt and no shoes. (Mike Seriously)
____ When push comes to shove, I start stabbing. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

BRILLIANT THANKSGIVING FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

2012-11-22T01:48:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking about the turkey I will consume today for Thanksgiving, which made me think about how turkeys gobble, which made me think of the word "gobbledygook" which I love because it means "nonsense", and then I thought of all of you and it made me really thankful that you've been a part of the remarkable nonsense that is my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Have a Thanksgiving filled with gratefulness, but don't forget to add in some high jinks, too. Here are a few Thanksgiving status updates my fans shared:

____ The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Give spanks. Not thanks. (Lisa James)
____ Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and a Happy Ungrateful Bastards Day to everyone else. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Thanksgiving is the time of year when we all gather together and give thanks that we don't have to be around this bunch of assholes but once a year. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving, because they say you are what you eat, and I'm full of wicked yokes. (Eric Caro)
____ So Thanksgiving is about being grateful, well I'm grateful for you bastards liking my posts. Does that count? (Sonia Lerma)
____ Isn't it ironic that a turkey goes gobble gobble, and on Thanksgiving that's what we do to them? (Dow Jones)
____ I'll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it's the only time their clothes look festive. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm kind of shocked turkeys live as long as they do with those pop-up timers lodged in their chests. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Wal-Mart said that the employee walk out on thanksgiving will not affect our shopping, since we are already used to waiting for an hour to check out. (Lisa James)
____ So I've always wondered...all those turkeys I see this time of year with pilgrim hats, were they like trying to fool the pilgrims, or were they cannibals, or what?
(Jack Olivar)
____ Mom says that if I'm a good girl & don't use my potty mouth.. I can sit at the big kid table this Thanksgiving. She's so silly. (Toni Daniels)

TWINKIE / HOSTESS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

2012-11-20T00:51:00.000-06:00

No more Twinkies really pissed my readers off.

____ Maybe Zombieland had it right when Woody Harrelson couldn't find those Twinkies. Now we know why. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Hostess is going out of business, so no more twinkies. In other news Kirstie Alley just commited suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm going to get rich selling these Twinkies on eBay. (Lisa James)
____ Damn little Debbie, its her fault were losing Twinkie. I knew that broad was up to no good. (Sonia Lerma)
____ The guy at the tattoo shop laughed at me when I asked for a Twinkie tattoo on my dick last year. Who's laughing now? (Mys ter E)
____ Poor Colorado...they tell em they can smoke pot then take away Twinkies. For shame... (Stephanie Whitaker)
____ Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon... (Tom Guntorius)
____ So Jessica Simpson joins Weight Watchers and now Hostess goes out of business? Thanks a lot, bitch. (Mys ter E)
____ Oh....now I get it...all that crap in the Middle East is because they had inside information that Hostess was closing. No wonder they've been so pissed. (Jack Olivar)
____ Suck It Up Cupcake - The Hostess Union (Lisa James)
____ WHAT! 10 TO 20!! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET?!!!! Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here. (Donny Norris)

Like these? Join the madness on FACEBOOK for the best topical Facebook Status updates!

LOOKING FOR FUNNY SAYINGS TO USE AS YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE? HERE ARE 40 TO GET YOU STARTED:

2012-11-09T00:16:00.000-06:00

My FACEBOOK FANS posted an array of funny stuff in the last 8 days. Here's a sampling:

____ I couldn't get my fake scar tattoos off last night, so my roomate suggested alchohol. I drank a 12 pack and that STILL didn't help. (Lisa James)
____ You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Christmas shopping done. I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads: "Sorry, the world was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!" (Donny Norris)
____ Take it from me, guys. The zoo is a really bad place to pick up cougars. I thought that one was flirting with me and now I'm missing most of a hand and bleeding a lot. (Jack Olivar)
____ If my girlfriend wakes up screaming from a nightmare, I like to pull the sheet over my face and whisper, "He's in the doorway..." (Mike Seriously)
____ "Just because it stretches...doesn't mean it fits" should be on the label of everything spandex. (Toni Daniels)
____ I want to go back in time. 30 minutes ago. When my 30 pack wasn't empty. Is it beer 30 yet/again? (Mustache Mann)
____ I swear my five-year-old son just repeats what he hears my wife say. Today, apparently, he's in a crap mood and on his period. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's only one difference between when I see an ice cream truck or a police vehicle. The direction I run in. (King Julien)
____ Don't get pissed at me for drinking all your vodka. You were the one that said to make myself at home. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you can't beat them, make them hit themselves - because that shit's funny. (Lisa James)
____ If I have a problem, Yo! I'll solve it! Check out my radius while my compass revolves it. Math, math, Baby. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you are reading this it means we're now dating. Love you... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away...it tickles as I swallow it. (Jack Olivar)
____ I clicked my heels 3 times.. and I'm still at work. Whatthef*ck, Dorothy? (Toni Daniels)
____ I would like to say thank you to all the people here that make me laugh, but I am an a$$hole so I wont. (Mys ter E)
____ In case you are wondering how patient a person I am, I am standing here cursing at my soda to stop fizzing so I can finish pouring it. (Jack Olivar)
____ My daughter is at the age where she can start doing chores and suddenly this whole "having kids" thing makes a lot more sense. (Sean Shipley)
____ Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish I could go back in time, like the 50's...when girls didn't poop. (Jack Wagon)
____ If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, you're in trouble. (Randy Masters)
____ Due to the rising cost of ammunition, I will no longer be able to provide a Warning shot. Thanks for your understanding. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I must give proper respect and admiration to the ladies out there that realize that they don't have to dress slutty and talk dirty in order to attract a man. Good for you! Live your life with style and class. The rest of you, come with me. (Brandon Eaves)
____ Slaps count as human contact...right? (Donny Norris)
____ Every time I think my posts suck ... I just go read everyone else’s and then I feel much better. I'm kidding...I re-read my own, then throw myself into oncoming traffic. (Jack Wagon)
____ Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I'd like to be one of those people that hands out water to passing runners at marathons. Except instead of water, it'd be confetti & as they poured it over their heads I'd scream "OMG! YOU WON!!!" Then we'd jump around & cheer & hug & by the time they realized the real race was over I'd have a new friend. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never cease to amaze myself with just how below average I am. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status. (Shane M Aine)
____ Colorado just changed their state mascot from Cam the Ram to the Grateful Dead Dancing Bear. (Jack Wagon)
____ You can try all you like, but you'll never understand me. (I'm incoherent most of the time, and I have a tendency to mumble). (Danny Coleiro)
____ I didn't see one iPhone in Back to the Future Part II. I don't know what to believe in anymore. (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't know what all you parents are whining about. Getting my niece to shut up is easy, I just keep giving her cupcakes...oh look my sister is here to pick her up. (Jack Olivar)
____ O' Douls! 'Cause I don't wanna get drunk. I just want to smell that way. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Give a man a fish & he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll go fishing for the weekends and you can spend them with your lover. (Nathan Drake)
____ If I caught my partner cheating I'd just walk straight out and never go back! Until I got tired and hungry. (Shabana Essack)
____ I just did a crossword puzzle cuz I was that desperate for sex. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole. (Ben Iz Bshop)

46 FUNNY, WITTY, CLEVER AND HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

2012-11-09T00:04:00.000-06:00

____ Growing up, my mom forced me to eat greens. To this day I'm still banned from 37 golf courses. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Autocorrect, I did NOT text "where do you lube?" You know very well I meant "where do you live?" (Stephanie Manera)
____ Mom: You failed your English test, didn't you? Kid: WHO TELLED YOU?! (Jessica Liberty)
____ So the other day, I bought a light bulb and gave it to my nephew to take it home. He stopped by his friend's place and I got home before him. That day I traveled faster than light. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ The world is $6 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to? (Hollywood Allan)
____ Days like today make me really wish they made Flintstone's Chewable Morphine. (Lisa James)
____ Just finished another Japanese novel. Like all the rest, it didn't make any goddamn sense. (Connie Day)
____ Support the United Zombie College Fund. Because A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste.™ (Brian Sullivan)
____ Somehow my 3 year old got to my phone so I snatched it away from her to see what she did to it. Turns out she looked up the lyrics to the song "Bad to the Bone" (Stephanie Manera)
____ I am not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Somewhere in an alternate universe, right now, at this instant, an accordion player is signing some hysterical chick's boob. (Donny Norris)
____ I hate when I'm put in a situation where I have to choose cause knowing me I'd choose d) All of the above. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried to add multiple relationships but apparently Facebook is a racist and against polygamy. (Lisa James)
____ I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools. (Jodi Ann)
____ You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you. (Sara Nicole Carlson)
____ I can't stand when my wife tells me to "grow up". Next time she does that, dude, I swear, I'm hopping on my Big Wheel and leaving that dookie head! (Dow Jones)
____ As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ It's pretty screwed up that you can't get a restraining order on someone just because they're 6... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I'm the most unreliable person I know. I still can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. (Nathan Drake)
____ You know those people who request a read receipt with their email? Let's kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ Hurricane Sandy...the worst thing to hit the Jersey shore since the Jersey Shore. (Mys ter E)
____ OH NO!!! My top shrank a little in the dryer. Ah what the hell, my boobs will stretch it out so I guess it'll be okay. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things. (Rita Filakia)
____ My "spirit animal" is Chester the Cheetah. (Eric Caro)
____ I want an application that can unfriend all the people who've been friends with me for over a year and have never liked or commented on any of my posts or messaged me. What's the point of having them? (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm so poor that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ This post is just for you. (Donny Norris)
____ My girlfriend just told me she's pregnant! Just kidding. Blow up dolls can't get pregnant, or talk. :( (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ Nothing better than tomato soup for lunch. And by "tomato soup" I mean a bloody mary. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ "Said No One Ever" -Says Everyone all the time... (Stacy Fournier)
____ After going through Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits, I have come upon the conclusion that Kenny Rogers has a limited number of hits. (Jeff Tessman)
____ They should make a show like Cash Cab called "Cat's Cab" where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all of these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive. (Jen Hollingsworth)
____ If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you. (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought an electronic cigarette today. I am not going to quit smoking. I just like the look on people's faces while I smoke it and pump gas. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I woke up this morning and was immediately mad about something someone said a year ago. That's healthy right? (Sean Shipley)
____ Just opened an online Colonoscopy Clinic… all you need is a Webcam, some Astroglide and a Fire Poker. (Jack Wagon)
____ Why MSIB? Because, one day, when you think you're alone, you stumble upon this incredible underworld of misfits and realize that you're not. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Amazing... a really hot woman came up to me today and said "Hey, you're the guy who writes all those hilarious statuses on MSIB, right?" When I nodded, she asked me if they were all true stories. I admitted they were all made up. And then we enjoyed ten hours of passionate sex. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I threw a MY STATUS IS BADDEST party, it would just be a room full of people sitting in dark corners fighting over power outlets. (Jack Wagon)
____ Don't go over-analysing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn't need to be here so much. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I come to this page to read some hilarious jokes, escape the bs that is life and pretend I live in MSIB land...but some idiots still post their political crap here -_- Go. To. Hell. (Dmitriy Groesbeck)
____ Now that I have drunk my weight in alcohol, I can honestly say that I love you all and you are the best mates I've ever had. And and and I want a castle. And a pterodactyl. Because I love you guys. (Danny Coleiro)

Oh, and I wrote a few new status updates too:

____ Now that the election is over, I'd like to share some good news! Unfortunately, I can't think of anything because we are all going to die next month, and that's a bummer.
____ Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

That's the recap for this week. Don't use them all on the same day, come back often and ~~stroke my ego~~ enjoy at your leisure. Also, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK. Thanks for reading!

38 HALLOWEEN FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

2012-10-24T22:54:00.004-05:00

My readers started preparing the Halloween Facebook Status updates early this year! I will continue to add to this list as they are posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Thanks to all who contribute!

____ Halloween is the one and only time of the year that I don't judge what people look like at Walmart. (Jack Wagon)
____ A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night. (Jack Wagon)
____ Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Halloween is the one time a year when you confuse your kids by having them accept candy from strangers. (Just Sage)
____ I don't wait for Halloween. I'm scary all year round. (Shabana Essack)
____ I had an awesome idea for decorating my yard for Halloween this year, but the county morgue said they couldn't release the bodies. (Beau Diggity)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be something they're not. (Connie Day)
____ Bet there'll be a lot of "ladies" waking up in the morning smelling of Vodka, face paint and regret... (Chesty La Rue, on the day after Halloween)
____ I was fired from my job as a meteorologist. Apparently it wasn't funny to dress up as a zombie on Halloween and just repeated say "Rainsssss, Rainsssss". (Jack Olivar)
____ Fun thing to do this Halloween...Insist on smelling their feet. (Donny Norris)
____ This year for Halloween, I will be dressed up as an ear of corn, saying something witty to someone in an insulting manner. It'll be A-MAIZE-ZING! (Dow Jones)
____ Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected...and he cried like a little kid. (Mark Andrews)
____ I think I'm going to pass out sticky notes with my best MSIB status updates to the kids for Halloween this year. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ For Halloween I am going to write "life" on a plain white t-shirt and offer lemons to strangers. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Halloween Costume idea: A zombie in a YOLO t-shirt. (Eric Caro)
____ My Halloween Milkshake brings all the boys and ghouls to the yard. (Jodi Ann)
____ You can get a lot of great Halloween costume ideas by watching the game show "Lets make a Deal". (Stephanie Manera)
____ Wanted: 20 good-looking women for elaborate Kama Sutra Halloween costume. Send photos. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween I'm going to dress up as Maury Povich, visit the hospital delivery room, and tell the guy he is not the father. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I'm going as a gong for Halloween. Maybe then I will finally get a chick to bang me. (Dow Jones)
____ This year for Halloween I will be passing out little 5 hour energy bottles. You're welcome. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string. (Donny Norris)
____ I bet that guy who offers free candy out of his van HATES Halloween. (Charles Fincher)
____ For Halloween, I think I will go as Scooby Doo and take off people's masks. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This is a Halloween status. (Shafique Khatri)
____ This Halloween, I've decided to dress up as the scariest, most sadistic, angry, evil, heartless, remorseless monster I could think of. I'm going as my ex-wife. (Sean Shipley)
____ Every year it saddens me to see the staggering amount of toothless pumpkins and their deteriorating addiction to meth after Halloween. (Jack Wagon)
____ For Halloween this year I'm gonna wear an eye patch, a parrot on my shoulder and pee on all the teenagers...I'll be Aaargh Kelly. (Jack Olivar)
____ If this double chin doesn't count as a Halloween costume I am screwed. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ As Halloween approaches, I like to hang out at the grocery store and give the stink eye to people who buy anything but chocolate to hand out. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Step 1) give apples for Halloween. Step 2) wait for teenagers to T.P. your house. Step 3) collect T.P. from tree. I don't have to buy T.P. for the next 6 months. (Mo Ron)
____ This year for Halloween, I will be giving out Tide pods...tastes just like candy! (Laura L Carbonneau)
____ 6 bags of candy and not a single trick-or-treater. On a side note, can you die from a chocolate overdose? Asking for a friend... (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just put the "Boo" in "Booze"! Happy Halloween MSIB Family! (Jack Wagon)
____ This Halloween I'm gonna turn the lights off and pretend I'm not in. I don't give a damn, ships. My lighthouse...my rules. (Shafique Khatri)
____ "What do you mean they weren't real vampires? They all died when I rammed a stake through their hearts and beheaded them, didn't they?" - Me, every bloody Halloween. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious. (Donny Norris)
____ I have a great costume idea to scare people on Halloween. My birthday suit. (Manish Bhardwaj)