My Status Is Baddest

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, PART 2, 2/24/12:

2012-02-25T19:05:00.009-06:00

____ Is it wrong to hate a certain RACE? I like 5k races but my team is starting 10k races which I don't like very much. (Basti Agustin)
____ There's a bloodmobile in town and I'll be going down tonight to donate a pint. They have some new guy in charge? His name is Dr. Acula or something like that. (Cary Conrad)
____ There is always that one person in gym class who thinks they're in the Olympics. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ One day, we will all live in the future. (Teresa Whitaker)
____ my wallet is like an onion, everytime i open it-- I cry. (Pamela Nichole DiGruccio)
____ I've noticed the drunker us women get, the more we want to sing song hits from the 80's (Shannon Seymour)
____ "I don't even have a glass." - a true pessimist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you try to tell me why your candidate is the best, I switch parties regardless who you like just because I like to argue sometimes. (Beau Diggity)
____ Went to a fancy dress party as Humpty Dumpty last night. Got smashed. (Hollywood Allan)

____ Hates the terrifying moment when your cat or dog walks into the room, stares at something you can't see, and then runs away in a panic :/ (Gary Hensley)
____ I've been informed that Facebook plans to ban naughty language and near nude or rude photos in the near future. So as a test, ****, *****, Mother *****, Eat **** and Die! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Dora has taught me just enough Spanish, to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Since starting my new 'hot cake' business, I have come to the conclusion that the expression "selling like hot cakes" doesn't mean what I thought it did. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door. (Cedric Stanley)
____ Am I the only one who has a ghost whispering in their ear that it's time to start drinking? (Jack Olivar)
____ I hate it when you use words that even Google can't find. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I think we all have that same look on our face when the neighbor catches us peeing in their backyard. (Cary Conrad)
____ Sometimes I shave one of my legs so that when i go to bed it feels like im sleeping next to a woman. (Clint Dempsey)
____ Have you ever womdered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack? (Eddie Olsen)
____ The wife said I dont agree with anything she says. I find that hard to believe. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just saw a group of Nuns trying to figure out a parking meter, I know there's a joke in there somewhere but I'll have to get back to you. (Glenn Jamin)
____ When someone on my friend list pisses me off, I like to delete the hell out of them, and then request them as a friend again, send them a message saying: "I'm sorry, I have no idea how you got deleted." When they accept again, I delete the hell out of them again and send them a message saying; "bahahaha bahahaha!" That's the way I roll. (Dow Jones)
____ Damn, I'm hungry. Anybody have some spare bacon? I'll pay you on Tuesday for some bacon today. (Henry Andelmo)
____ I hate it when people use this space to talk about how they hate something. Like this post. This is exactly what I'm talking about! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. (Clint Dempsey)
____ Damn, got up too late to go the gym again. That makes 12 years in a row now. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Sad Mustache Mann :-{( (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ Park and ride sucks, waddaya mean no beer on the bus? (Beau Diggity)
____ Sure...I'd be happy to not like that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I like to log into Facebook and leave a status just to show I'm here. Or am I? (Juliet Rockspin)

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK:

2012-02-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, PART 1, 2/24/12:

2012-02-25T18:35:00.001-06:00

____ I bet Superman has got lot of shirts with ruined buttons. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The Oscar buzz this year is around "The Artist," a silent movie. Not to be confused with "The Fartist," a silent but deadly movie. (William Hale)
____ I'm not racist! I can barely run 30 feet! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Dear Campbells: The first step to happiness sure as hell aint soup! (Lisa James)
____ You know how Facebook has been showing you notifications of "likes" and "comments", but you don't see them? That's just ME "liking" and "commenting" then deleting them. It's the little things that make my life complete. (Mustache Mann)
____ Dammit, that's the last time I open the fridge before knocking. Who knew there was a salad dressing? (Jack Olivar)
____ I have been drinking so much alcohol lately, a bottle of water is now opened only on special occasions. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If Europe uses Euros, shouldn't Africa use Afros? (William Hale)
____ In the supermarket parking lot today I saw a runaway grocery cart bump into and total a smart car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ Don't let anyone's hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the a$$hole you strive to be (Tom Guntorius)
____ Fluorescent colored clothing is coming back in style. Now how am I going to know who's gay? (Lisa James)
____ And, lo, The Lord sayeth unto them, "The checking of oneself shall prevent the wrecking of oneself." - Ice Cube 3:16 (William Hale)
____ Laugh and the world laughs with you, continue laughing and the world kind of trails off to silence, continue laughing further and they start looking at you with concern and backing away slowly. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills. (Toni Daniels)
____ WANTED: SINGLE GIRL. Able To Cook, Love and has a Job, Must Have house & car. Please send picture of HOUSE & CAR. (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Whenever someone has a problem with me I always tell them to write it down nicely on a piece of paper, fold it up really nice and neat, put it in an envelope, and shove it up their a$$. (Gary Hensley)
____ Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let's spend the night together" or am I reading too much into this? (Rhoda Noland)
____ I'd like to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years. (Gwen Masterson)
____ The best napkin in the world is my couch. (Adam Apple)
____ I have trouble falling asleep, so I wrap myself in my blankets like a burrito, but that only makes me hungry. So I get up for a snack. Then I wake up with my head resting on a bag of Funyuns, and I have no idea how I got there. And that's why I hate mornings. (Juliet Rockspin)
Daniels)
____ If you don't work and put, "Yay, it's Friday!" or "TGIF!" As your status update; I will find you and bitch slap you with the other end of my business arm. (Dow Jones)
____ Hair salons make me sad. I keep thinking of all the people who dyed there. (Juliet Rockspin)

AND NOW...A FEW OF MY FAVORITE FACEBOOK FAN PAGE STATUS UPDATES POSTED TODAY:

2012-02-17T00:59:00.005-06:00

I picked over 90 status updates to post from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE today. And you all wonder why I get behind on the Fan postings! There were over 400 to pick from...in one day! This is the funniest group of people on Facebook, in my incredibly important, yet biased, opinion. Thanks, guys.

First, here is the status update I wrote for the Fan page today:
____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. :(

Fan stuff:
____ It must be awkward for Ice-T to order iced tea without sounding like a douche. (Matt Procella)
____ Just so we're all clear, everyone here knows that when a doctor leaves the room he's just going to check WebMD, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ I told my a$$hole neighbor I could trust him about as far as I could throw him. So I threw him. Off a cliff. Guess I can trust him more than I thought. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Was wrongfully accused of stealing office supplies from work today, and got fired. Screw them. I'll just start my own business. Selling office supplies. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Boy! I really stuck my foot in my mouth this time! Really.....I'm pretty flexible. (Donny Norris)
____ "&" looks like a man dragging his ass across the floor. (Adam Apple)
____ I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning. As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!" I said, "Who the hell was that? Stop the car, son." (Hollywood Allan)
____ Once I spent 13 years without sex, drugs and alcohol. Then my dad threw me a 14th Birthday party (Adam Apple)
____ NOoooOoo.... I didn't say you WERE stupid..... I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ When I'm in a restaurant and the waiter says "enjoy your meal" and I say "you too" I immediately grab a salad fork and stab him to death, cuz I'll be damned if I'M gonna look like an idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ They say the first thing to go when you get older is your memory. That's sad. Anyway...did you know your memory is the first thing to go when you get older? (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I don't like it when people try to embarrass me. As if I need their help! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I feel like I need an archenemy, I have a lot of time on my hands and I think I'd be really good at plotting someone's demise. (Jack Olivar)
____ What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastards! :) (William Hale)
____ Actual Text Convo:
Wife: Hey babe, what u wnt 4 supper.
Me: food
Wife: Ha!, what kind of food, silly.
Me: Let's go for edible this time.
...THIRTY MINUTES PASS...
Me: Ok, I'm really sorry and I love you. (Donny Norris)
____ I was just called a "walking HR complaint". Proud day for me. (Toni Daniels)
____ I just stopped two ladies from running their grocery carts into one another, so if anyone like needs an air traffic controller or something, call me. (Toni Daniels)
____ The only thing standing between you and your goals is the excuses you make up.....also your complete lack of talent and initiative probably has something to do with it. (Jack Olivar)
____ Look, you knew I was crazy before you got into the wheelbarrow... (Donny Norris)
____ There is a little deli across town that makes the best cheese steak po'boys you will ever taste and they serve them with these delicious curly fries and I am gonna eat this tuna fish sandwich my wife made me for lunch and I hate everybody. (Donny Norris)
____ Making cold calls to hospitals. Just to see who's dead. (Lisa James)
____ I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook. (Glenn Jamin)
____ I always wanted to be a detective or forensic expert but sadly now the only detective or forensic work I get to do is trying to find out which one of my kids spilled the juice on my beautiful sofa...and cleaning up the crime scene. (Stephanie Manera)
____ WoW! Your resume is SIX pages long! That is IMPRESSIVE. And going to take at least another minute of my time to shred. (Rae Broman)
____ When I get the facebook timline it's gonna look like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing! (Glenn Jamin)
____ So here I am in the Internet Cafe with this biggest damn bully I've ever seen reading every word I ty (Adam Apple)
____ I gotta go do a doodie.~ Me asking to be excused from a meeting. (Donny Norris)
____ My friends think I never listen to their opinions. Like I give a sh*t what they think. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "I bring nothing to the table" ~ a really bad waitress (Jack Olivar)
____ Mmmmmm! This biscuit I'm eating this morning tastes a lot like someone forgot to sprinkle powdered sugar on top and put sweet raspberry filling in the middle. (Dow Jones)
____ I remember as a kid, always beating my brother at tennis. But instead of a ball we used a frog. Looking back, I feel absolutely horrible now. I should have let my brother win a few games. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If I had to describe myself with 3 words they would be"I suck at math" (Eddie Olsen)
____ My computer just asked me if I would like to "continue unprotected". I like where this is going... (Steven Phipps)
____ Men only like skinny girls cause they are too weak to argue and salads are cheap. (Carrie Leigh)
____ If you still do NOT have the timeline, yet click "like". Just trying to see who else has avoided it. :) (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ How do I know if my check engine light is broken? Is there a check check engine light light?
(Matt Procella)
____ Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon (Hollywood Allan)

____ Motivational speech of the day: Life is a milkshake, suck it up! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)

____ I've been on MSIB for a few days now, made a few friendships, now I think it's time we take this relationship to the next level and you guys loan me some money. (Gwen Masterson)
____ I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!" (Glenn Jamin)
____ I think ADHD is just a bunch of hype, but I"ll let you know after I'm done playing a game of darts while I fold this laundry, and Oh! Look, I just found a shiny new penny, I'm thinking Regis is getting really old. Does anybody else wanna do handstands? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ "I know you've worked hard this year. Let me tell you, life is not so easy. Sometimes things may seem unjust. But don't give up. Just focus on working hard and with enough dedication and commitment and awewqei iojfisfjwoe fojoi asoijwo aswoir osiiowqi ooisio wwhquq ..." ~Me, watching in amazement as my manager turns into this gibberish-speaking a$$hole. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I thought it would be romantic to just sit and watch her sleep. Apparently my neighbor disagreed and now the police are on their way. (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought my ex a chair but the state won't let me plug it in. (Justin Sayson)
____ Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free? (Carrie Leigh)
____ It's funny how many beers my neighbors go through... when they're not home. (Mustache Mann)
____ I think my dentist has fillings for me... (Donny Norris)
____ One of you is my secret admirer. You just don't know it yet. (Jenni More)
____ The guy driving me home tonight hit Chivalry, then backed up and rolled over him again, then again and again. Yup, he's dead. (Melissa Davenport)
____ It's very hard to sleep alone. But I suppose I'm still glad I had the exorcism. (Jack Olivar)
____ Why the hell am I watching this crap again? Ah, that's right...because the remote is all the way over there. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I complained because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no legs. And then I complained anyway, because my feet really really hurt. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Auto-correct has got to be my worst enema. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I noticed your status only had one like and I felt really bad at first, then I realized it was a new record for you. Way to go champ! (Eddie Olsen)
____ Do you remember back in the day?.......... It was just a few hours ago. I was just wondering if some of you could remember that far back. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I refuse to eat any cured meats until I find out what they were cured of. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Double negatives are a no-no. (Ari Abalos)
____ Yesterday I was stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. I forgot to push the button. :-/ (Carrie Leigh)
____ If Thursday had an ass I would kick it into Friday. (Lisa James)
____ Whenever I stay in a hotel room, I like to put a fake mustache on the bible. That way the next person to come along gets a blessing in disguise. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I learned how to ski on my face walking the dog today. Damn squirrels. (Carrie Higgins)
____ My ex and I have this cute little game we play where he asks me to make a promise and I NEVER keep it. (Rae Broman)
____ I am not a violent person. Except when I get mad and punch people in the face for no reason. Other than that I'm completely a non-violent person (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I feel like I should put "don't judge me" after all my Facebook posts lately. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I'm sorry.. "ihave/noclue/what/imsaying..cannot be found, please check the spelling". (Tim Gauthier)
____ My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down." (Jeff Benton)
____ The next person that post about what they do in the bathroom is going on my sh!t list. (Eddie Olsen)
____ I just found the most gorgeous chandelier which I think will add class and sophistication when I hang it above the toilet. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I have over 800 Facebook Friends and I only like 3 of them. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I just set up an interview with Men's Wearhouse for the Operations Mgr position. Would it be weird if I showed up early and got fitted for a new suit and then spun around from the mirror and said this? "Okay, I'm ready for my interview... I like the way I look!" (Glenn Jamin)
____ Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!" (Sean Shipley)
____ Today, an employee of mine called off work. I'm pretty sure she's just hungover. Plus, I'm self-employed. (Courtney Realz)
____ I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I'll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go because I've put on, like, a hundred pounds. (Christina Breazeale)
____ Whenever I feel kinky I just get a massage until the kinks are gone. (Eddie Olsen)
____ Pirates like their women scurvy. (Courtney Realz)
____ Yelling "YOU MONSTER!" after someone farts in a public bathroom feels pretty great. (Matt Procella)
____ Well it's time for me to log off Facebook and MSIB and get some work done. Take care good friends. HA! WHO AM I KIDDING!? I DON'T HAVE A DAMN JOB! (Dow Jones)
____ So, uh, come here often? (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ It's funny how easily accidentally leaving just one vowel out of a status can make you sound like an Indian Chief from the movies. You know what mean? (Glenn Jamin)
____ I put the "snot" in Sonata...and got kicked out of the Hyundai dealership. (Jack Olivar)
____ I don't want to alarm you but you "might" be attacked by a monkey today. It could happen. (Donny Norris)
____ I don't like it when people try to embarrass me, as if I need their help! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Speed bumps? Challenge accepted. (Jen Hollingsworth)
____ I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet. (Egg Head)
____ I'm currently in the stages of planning my Friday morning hangover. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but not if you take a picture of this sentence. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I love a hot chick in a football jersey. Or a regular shirt. Or a dress. Or naked. Whatever, I'm easy. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I haven't been this happy since the time I found myself with an oversized purse at an all-you-can-eat dessert bar. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ Trying to read my mind is pointless. What's in there is completely illegible. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes. (Eddie Olsen)
____ I was cruising around today when this guy driving a Chevy pick-up truck got all mad at me for cutting him off...on my tricycle. (Juliet Rockspin)

Like these? LIKE ME on Facebook!

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, PART FOUR :

2012-02-13T18:55:00.004-06:00

This is part four of the most recent status updates posted on my FAN PAGE. Did you miss parts one, two and three? Go HERE, HERE and HERE. You're welcome.

____ Man, My imaginary friend just unfriended me on Facebook. (Donnie Howell)
____ I'm drinking in celebration of St. Patrick's Day. I know it's a long way away but it's never too early to get a head-start. (Tom Guntorius)
____ My body is a WonderBreadland. (Toni Daniels)
____ Both of my Facebook friends agree that I'm popular. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Can I legally kill someone now if they are still singing Christmas tunes? (Caleb Killion)
____ I think my mind just feels safer in the gutter. There's no place like home. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ I'm often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I'm still just warming up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Real might is exercised in restraint and that is the only reason that I have not killed you with my mental powers. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm the OJ Simpson of getting the straw in a Capri Sun. (William Hale)
____ If you write a status about the amazing stuff you did while being soooo wasted, then you couldn't have been wasted because you remembered it, liar. (Juliet Rockspin)

____ I went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch today...Christ, that was a long drive. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If I gained a pound for every time I was called stupid I would have more than a thousand dollars. (Adam Apple)
____ This morning when I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still cold and homeless". We laughed and laughed....and then he stabbed me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (Lisa James)
____ We live in a society where people will have sex with you quicker than they will give you their home phone number or address, you know cause you might be a weirdo... Smdh (Donny Norris)
____ The fact that I am officially SINGLE again says ONE thing: Liquor sales are about to skyrocket. Again. (Rae Broman)
____ You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!!! (Mustache Mann)
____ I say, count your chickens before they hatch. If any die, just subtract those from the total. It's pretty simple. (Mike Seriously)
____ You know you had an awesome night when: you notice that you parked the car on the front porch...and you have NO clue who's car it is. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ I listen to what my body tells me. This morning I said "how about a 6 am toning/yoga class?" My body replied "don't even think about it, fat ass!" (Carrie Leigh)
____ Never trust a psychiatrist who can't spell "paranoid schizophrenia" right. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed. (Donny Norris)
____ If ONE more person posts something about bacon, I swear to GOD, I'm gonna go make some bacon. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Women can keep secrets. I'm sorry. Did I say women? I meant dead women. (Rajat Behl)
____ When are they gonna make the cereal commercial where the talking frosted mini wheats are screaming from being eaten alive? That just seems more realistic. (Sean Shipley)
____ Don't go broke trying to look rich. Act your wage! (Jenni More)
____ Give me your finger. No, I don't want to pull it. I'm putting out a cease and desist order on the Facebook pokes. (Lisa James)
____ I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ It appears I am lacking in originality today, so I need a topic. And by "topic" I mean another shot of Vodka. (Rae Broman)
____ you think you have it bad? When we were kids, we didn't have a phone to read in the bathroom. We were stuck reading the back of the toothpaste! (Lisa James)
____ My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, Especially since his name is Steve. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I have no clue where my pants are. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Things people post when they have nothing to say:
1. It is what it is
2. It's just not meant to be
3. Everything happens for a reason
4. Word
5. The f***ing weather (Mike Seriously)
____ I am writing this status for my son's eighteenth birthday. He's still four, but it'll be worth all the scrolling when the time comes. Happy birthday son! xx (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes I just walk into the middle of a crowd and start dancing like the Peanuts Gang. (Donny Norris)
____ Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase at the airport. My opinion: They need a new dog. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the hell I've been doing for the last year! (Mustache Mann)
____ I scream. You scream. We all scream when we find a body in the freezer. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Yes, Don Cornelius killed himself...but joking about it is SOOOOUL lame. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I don't depend on anyone else to support me. Except my bra. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror. (Mike Seriously)
____ Every restaurant menu needs the "Add bacon" option. I don't care what kind of food you're selling, just put it on there, you'll thank me later. (Jack Olivar)
____ Step 1: Wake Up
Step 2: Put On Skirt
Step 3: Make World My Bitch (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Only smart, good-looking people will "like" this status. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all. (Sean Shipley)
____ I like to fart on my son's head and then say, "Don’t cry son, Daddy’s just playing Call of Doody with you." (William Hale)
____ If you ever get pulled over, crap your pants before the cop gets to your car then tell him you have the stomach flu. Worked for me this morning. A very uncomfortable ride to work, but well worth it. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish I had a pet Sasquatch so I could train it to kill people I didn't like and no one would know he did it cuz those things are stealthy. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold. Dammit. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear wise owl: How many sips does it take to get to the center of IDGAF? (Lisa James)
____ Is now in a complicated relationship with Siri (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I got BOMBED tonight and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Before I judge somebody for their posts not making any sense, I try to run amok in their shoes. (Mustache Mann)
____ I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I love it when I find money in the pocket of someone else's jeans. (Toni Daniels)
____ I dont understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I always wondered what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare...you know...cuz he's a corpse and all. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ APPARENTLY, the nurses I work with don't like it when I yell "COME BACK TO BED!" when they are talking to their significant others while working the night shift. (Eric Caro)
____If you're drunk most of the time but don't think you have a drinking problem, congratulations, you are drinking exactly the right amount. (Clint Dempsey)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, PART THREE :

2012-02-13T17:46:00.004-06:00

Part Two is HERE, and Part One is HERE. This is Part Three. Any questions?

____ I think whoever writes the TV Guide should start a psychic hotline. That dude is spot on every time, eerie. (Donny Norris)
____ If you tell me you "heard it from a little birdie", I'm more likely to have you committed than believe anything you said. Birds don't talk, you loony bastard. (Jack Olivar)
____ My son had to poop, but the men's room was out of order, so I took him into the ladies room. They freaked out. I thought women would be more understanding. I mean, he's 21, but he's still my son! (Mustache Mann)
____ “Yoko Ono-she-dih’int!” -Real Housewives of The Beatles (William Hale)
____ I always punch the waitress right in the face so that my girlfriend knows she's the only one for me. (Matt Procella)
____ This is one of those nights where nothing is bacon any sense. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Someone just called me an attention whore, and I'm really sad about it. Heartbroken, in fact. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just sit in my room and cry all night. Or kill myself. Not that anyone would miss me. Bye guys. Don't worry about me. It's better this way. I love you all...Killing my self now...Hello? (Danny Coleiro)
____ Apparently, when a friend asks you what you think her “stripper” name would be, ”Desperation” is NOT the answer she was hoping for. On an unrelated note: I have an open spot on my friend’s list. (Rae Broman)
____ Ok people, lets do this, please. If you are a man, curtsey to everyone you greet today (remember to gracefully hold the hem of your imaginary dress). If you are female, bow stiffly to everyone you greet (be sure to tip your imaginary hat to the males). DO IT. (Donny Norris)
____ I like being nostalgic cause that's how I rolled. (Gold Robo Dancer Guy)
____ Since I didn't drink this weekend my liver is stuttering and backfiring and very sad and confused. (Lisa James)
____ I don't need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!!! (Carrie Leigh)
____ Did you hear? They now make musical bras. Unfortunately, mine is an A flat. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. (Egg Head)
____ To HELL with Rogaine, they didn't like the slogan I pitched to them. It is genius. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTT HAIR! (Donny Norris)
____ "I'm locked up 24/7. I eat the same dry crap every meal. I have to put up with your whiny ass. And you wonder why I sh*t in your shoe. Jackass" ~Your cat (Jack Olivar)
____ Yoga is just very slow breakdancing for White people. (William Hale)
____ I think I'm gonna try this thing that I hear people talking about all the time...."leave the house." Later, peeps! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Today, I looked at the cover of a book and judged it. So don't tell me what I can and can't do, a$$hole. (Danny Coleiro)
____ A penis is like an elbow...preferred Not to be put on the table during dinner (Adam Apple)
____ I feel awful. I just ran over my neighbor. I have NO clue what he was doing on the sidewalk at this hour. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Poke me once, shame on you. Poke me twice, we're getting married and having kids! (Mustache Mann)
____ "I really should get up and do something." - Something I might say later. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just so you know ladies, the imaginary relationships I'm having with all of you are going pretty well right now. Muahhhzzz (William Hale)
____ "Why is this wheel in my head still spinning?" -Pat SayJackDaniels (Lisa James)
____ I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass..... (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm pretty sure my spirit animal is an animal cracker, and it's trapped inside a box with other helpless animal crackers. (Jack Olivar)

____ "Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus." (Mike Seriously)
____ You call it multiple personality disorder, I call it being mayor of the little town in my head. (Donny Norris)
____ I just spent 20 minutes winking back at a dude in the cafeteria before realizing that he was having a stroke. (Toni Daniels)
____ I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate bastard decided to bounce off my windshield (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Let's play a fun game. You roll these dice and I kick you in the face. Ready? Go! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Bored at a party? Go into the kitchen, turn the oven onto full blast, locate the canned food supply, place unopened cans in said oven, leave. That's what I just did, I'll be back tomorrow. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just picked out my fiancée's wedding ring. I have no idea how it got up my nose in the first place. (Hollywood Allan)
____ It's amazing how I can exchange 3, maybe 4 sentences with someone I first meet and decide that I want them to die a slow, agonizing death. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Has anyone joined that Blue Öyster Cult? Is it cool? (Jack Olivar)
____ I remember one time in Home Ec ..uh.. I mean ninja training.. (Donny Norris)
____ our shoulders touched in the street and you're still asking why am I proposing? Weirdo. (Adam Apple)
____ Oh man...I just opened a can of worms. My guess is that the expiration date on these baked beans probably passed a while ago. (Jack Olivar)
____ Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Let me do it. (Lisa James)
____ Can anyone help me cut down this tree? Axing for a friend. (William Hale)
____ To all the people who are reading this but pretending not to be here cause it's the weekend. Gotcha! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I've had this chip on my shoulder since I was a little kid. I wonder if it's still safe to eat? (Mustache Mann)
____ I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing. (Jack Olivar)
____ I want to be the late bird. I dont care too much for worms and I don't like waking up so early :( (Stephanie Manera)
____ You'd think as many times as I've been up this creek I'd remember to bring a paddle! (Carrie Leigh)
____ That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Unless that something cuts off my arms in the process, because that would probably make me weaker. (Jack Olivar)
____ The horticulture class I signed up for was just some stupid lady talking about gardening... :( (Donny Norris)
____ "Oh this guy looks great today..lets poop on him." ~ Pigeon. (Shafique Khatri)
____ You suck. You should fix that. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm changing my name to ¥. Not really sure what the fuck that is, but it looks pretty cool! My friends, however will call me "The facebook frequenter formerly know as Dow" and I will be like all pissed off and say "No mofos! I said to call me ¥" and they will be like, "We don't know how to pronounce ¥" (Dow Jones)
____ Anybody want some Hot Cross Buns? I'll be getting up off this chair in a minute, they are just about ready. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm not quite a Cougar, I'm more of a Puma (Melissa Davenport)
____ Chuck Norris can access Facebook from a phone booth. (Laurie Hicks)
____ My spell czech has never failed me (Adam Apple)
____ Can't wait for this weekend: Sex, naps, and rock'n'roll! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Do you love me enough that if I had no arms you would pick my wedgie for me? (Carrie Leigh)
____ Want a really flat stomach? Don't open your parachute. (William Hale)
____ I was trying to look all tough at the seafood restaurant but I didn't have the mussels. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I've never been called sophisticated but then again I have never been called an uptight dickweed either. (Donny Norris)
____ Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily. (Gary Hensley)
____ I drink vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I just drank someones old snapple. It tasted like crapple. (Lisa James)
____ A real man does NOT watch another man beat a woman or wait for the cops. He steps in and shows that man how it feels to get beat! PERIOD! (Mike Seriously)
____ Thou that poketh me still hath no mercy ye vile wretched wretches. Have not I resigned to defeat and bowed in humility before thee. Yet ye would rather continue to debase me and defile the rules of pokedom. I will break these chains of time constraints and poketh there with mighty pokes from a quiver that will never be depleted. I will be the victor and there will be no quarter and as you languish in a pokey hell ye shall remember my name. (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes when I spin around and around in circles I feel dizzy and need to take a nap so yeah, I get dogs. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never thought I would ever say these words but here it goes..."these words".(Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Procrastina - eh, I'll finish it later. (Lisa James)
____ Wanna see a magic trick? Alright, take off your clothes and pick a number between 68 and 70 . (Shafique Khatri)
____ I like my women like I like, uhh, I like my women like I like my uhmmm, ok, lets just say I just like my women like something and lets leave it as that. (Beau Diggity)
____ How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a$$hole. 2) stand near a door. (Jordana G-star)

FACEBOOK FAN PAGE STATUS UPDATES, PART TWO:

2012-02-13T17:36:00.002-06:00

This is part deux of the status updates I've liked on my FAN PAGE recently. Part one is HERE.

____ I love fair food! Candy apples, cotton candy, sausage-on-a-stick, those boil-in-a-bag goldfish... MMM! (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Have you ever had that moment where you start to post something, then you hit backspace a million times because you suddenly realize that you're going to publicly announce what a complete and utter dumbass you are? Yeah, a lot more people I know need to do that. (Jenni More)
____ Remember when we used to have innocent thoughts? Me neither. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ I did some hard time...I logged out of my Facebook for a whole hour and a half. (Stephanie Manera)
____ My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works. (Fitzroy Røbèrts)
____ I jumped because mack daddy made me. (Juliet Rockspin)
____I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him. (Jeanie Erwee)
____ My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love" Both of which impair good judgement, logic, and common sense. But if I had to choose, I'd choose drunk. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Me. (Needs somebody to like me.) (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I'm just gonna say one thing today: I will never shut up! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ This mornings poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm trying to think outside the box. Will somebody please let me out of this box?! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Two people who really hate each other can suddenly really like each other if they can find someone else they can both really hate together. (Egg Head)
____ Did you ever have a day that you wanted to simply click on start>shutdown>restart? (Beau Diggity)
____ Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little bitch. (Lisa James)
____ I decided to post all my statuses in capitals from now on. This one was posted in London. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Chuck Norris was born May 6, 1945. The Nazis surrendered May 7, 1945. Coincidence? I think not. (Caleb Killion)
____ If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I wouldn't spend so much time on Facebook. (Chris Peacock)

____ "Because I felt like it",is a completely legit answer to me. (Carrie Leigh)
____ *starts typing status*... oh crap, I have family on here... delete delete delete. (Nikki Sholar)
____ FOUND MY CAR KEYS!!!!! They were under my dresser with a note that said "Good job! You found us!" Apparently "Drunk me" is a real bitch! (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ “Misery LOVES company” and THAT is why I now have a plant in my office. (Rae Broman)
____ I would love to host a show if they name it "So You Think You Can Keep Your Stupid Talent to Yourself and Stop Bothering People?" (Shafique Khatri)
____ You know about those slap bracelets? What would be really cute is if the police used them instead of handcuffs. You know, for when you are only in a little bit of trouble. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ So say animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry. (Shannon Root)
____ I wish women still wore corsets. Those Victorian bitches could eat as many donuts as they wanted. (Jenni More)
____ If you can order a pu pu platter without laughing you are way too mature to hang out with me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Just figured out why this spray tanned Jersey Shore wannabe dude is digging this song so much. The beat says DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE (Tom Guntorius)
____ It's time to go into Baskin Robbins, ask to sample all 31 flavors, and leave. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ If you think the internet has everything, good luck finding zombie porn (Adam Apple)
____ Curious George books are a great way to teach kids that single men who wear large yellow hats and own pet monkeys are in no way threatening. (Sean Shipley)
____ A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you, right? (Jordana G-star)
____ A hot 40 oz of Bud ice and cold pizza is a acceptable breakfast isn't it? (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If it's unladylike, fattening or fun, I'm in! (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ My friend was trying to build a Lego castle last night while intoxicated but she hit a few stumbling blocks. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Just bumped into my imaginary friend from when I was a kid. Turns out he's real. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Elevator? Nonsense. This is a traveling hugging booth and I see you've selected the button for 16 hugs. So let's get to it. Come here, you! (William Hale)
____ Why don't you all quit stuffin' your faces and get over here and like this damn status that I put absolutely no thought into..... (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I don't care if your color is white, black or even yellow. When I call for help, one of you Power Rangers better show up. (Hollywood Allan)
____ The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off ...Yep, I'm in WalMart. (Donny Norris)
____ Well...it's late so, one more case of beer and I'm going to bed. (Mustache Mann)
____ "Shiver me liver!" - drunk pirate looking at his empty bottles (Lisa James)
____ Man I can't wait to see the look on a genie's face when I use my last wish on a hunchback midget who feeds me tacos with a t-shirt gun. (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I turned my blu-ray into a blurry-ray just by getting drunk. (Lisa James)
____ You don't just wake up one morning and be this awesome people. I did but you don't. (Donny Norris)
____ I walked into the restroom at the local bar earlier, the guy next to me said "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila" That's the last time I'm falling for that one (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ So I posted on my wall "Like this if you don't like me!" - So far 45 people have liked it and I'm still getting notifications. Some even commented "Superlike." I bet this will silence all the haters who thought I wasn't popular. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ A depression evaluation should include the question "How many empty fast food bags are in your car?" (Mike Seriously)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, PART ONE :

2012-02-13T17:27:00.002-06:00

If you came to my blog today looking for a bunch of one-liners that have been posted repeatedly on other websites, I apologize. You aren't going to find those. Instead, you will find a bunch of unique and truly clever Facebook status updates that were posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE by some seriously funny people. Thank you for making me laugh every single day. A lot.

____ I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of you, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family. So....see you after breakfast. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ At my funeral I'll be performing a "Weekend At Bernie's" style interperative dance to Ice, Ice, Baby so people can remember me in death as I was in life: Awesome. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ All I wanted was for somebody named Frank Lee to ask to borrow ten cents from me so I could say " Frank Lee my dear, I don't give a dime." Is that too much to ask? (Donny Norris)
____ My bucket list:
1. Buy bucket
2. Add ice
3. Add 12 beers
4. Sign into FB and drink. (Mustache Mann)
____ I asked my boyfriend if I was low maintenance and he either had a giggle attack or the worst case of hiccups I've ever seen :( (Lisa James)
____ Boobies are just fat being all sexy. (Jenni More)
____ I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni.. (Donny Norris)
____ I was once bitten by a black widow. I suppose it was my fault for interupting the funeral (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I always sit in my bed and my computer on my knees and think to myself...I wish I'd bought a laptop instead. (Adam Apple)
____ I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Wonders why every time I swear in a status I lose another friend. F*#kers can't take a joke? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ So apparently after last night I found out my sleep number was 151....Bacardi 151 knocked my ass out. (Jack Olivar)
____ I put a booger on my finger before I "poke" you. (Mustache Mann)
____ Pardon me, Ma’am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up! (William Hale)
____ I remember once. True story. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ ...and that's how the tacos got on the roof. (Donny Norris)
____ Using the same theory as "fight fire with fire", I invented a bathroom air freshener that smells like sh*t...... (Mustache Mann)
____ I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as heck. (Donny Norris)
____ who is Frank and why does everyone want to be him? (Adam Apple)
____ It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in "Mambo No. 5". (Shafique Khatri)
____ I don't know who this Marty Graw person is, but he sure throws a hell of a party. (Juliet Rockspin)

____ I'm like a well oiled machine that someone forgot to oil. (Matt Procella)
____ I hate when I'm trying to delete a message in Facebook and it's not going away fast enough and it keeps asking me stupid questions like [delete messages] then [delete all] then I click yes, then another window pops up [delete whole conversation] OH my fgod yes, yes..DELETE, you stupid son of a bitch, what are you trying to do? Get me in trouble?!! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Obviously medicine companies don't know what fruit tastes like. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Today is “Sunday” Post this on 10 people's walls and tomorrow will be “Monday”. Believe me it works…..(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "That Shit Crêpe" - Jay-Z and Kanye's new restaurant (William Hale)
____ You know what I HATE? People who answer their own questions. (Chris Peacock)
____ It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but should I be concerned that the highest number of 'likes' I've got tonight were all for status updates about my imminent death? (Danny Coleiro)
____ This chick at the bar said I'm not very good at small talk. I guess I need to brush up on my interesting midget facts. (Jack Olivar)
____ I wonder if any boots have ever been made for Christopher Walken (Melissa Davenport)
____ Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F**king sundae drivers... (Ann McClain)
____ I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering. (Lisa James)
____ I tried ironing today....it's okay, I needed new clothes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Monday peed on my weekend. (Lisa James)
____ I once killed a man with a squash. Ok I didn't kill him and it wasn't a squash but damn the details. (Donny Norris)
____ I was born with a special gift.. I attract douchebags. (Toni Daniels)
____ Bad: Waking up and finding a penis drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced. (Anthony Vierra)
____ Your smart phone belongs to an idiot. (Melissa Davenport)
____ Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. SCREW YOU!!!" then hang up. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My wife has been giving me the silent treatment today. I just wish I knew what I did to upset her. So I can do it again when she starts to talk again. (Hollywood Allan)
____ So, it's bring your kid to work day.. good thing I just gave birth to this bottle of Jäger. (Toni Daniels)
____ "Haven't seen you in a while." ~My dignity. (Toni Daniels)
____ Well, I remember taking shots, trying to make bacon in the toaster, and then waking up in the yard! ~What I'll be saying tomorrow morning (Mike Seriously)
____ Getting my drink on..........my blouse. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness has never hired a hitman! (Jenna Withsweet Tatts)
____ When I yawn, I wonder if deaf people think I'm screaming... (Lawrence Pagan)
____ my computer beat me at chess AND kicked my ass at kickboxing (Adam Apple)
____ I like to give pigs red bull.......................Just to make a lot more things seem true. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I like those Birthday reminders on Facebook because occasionally they remind me of the friends I need to Delete. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hand Sanitizer……because you might not be allowed to drink at work, but you can DAMN well smell like you have!! (Rae Broman)
____ All I wanna do is drink about 36 jello shots, eat a whole pizza and wake up the Jack in the Box parking lot wearing nothing but socks and a cape. Is that too much to ask??? (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ SWF, 38, bipolar, severe PMS and carpal tunnel, seeks SM, who owns a beer store and has access to unlimited prescription pills and chocolate. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I went out to mow the lawn today and realized it was January and it was covered in snow, so I drank a ton of beer instead. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk. (Gary Hensley)
____ I just started using the new time line on facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh*t. (Dow Jones)

FACEBOOK TIMELINE: THE END OF FREE WILL

2012-02-08T20:53:00.005-06:00

I love Cracked.com. This is too funny not to share:

Introducing Facebook Timeline: The End of Free Will -- powered by Cracked.com

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK:

2012-02-04T19:15:00.001-06:00

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 2/3/12:

2012-02-02T23:38:00.001-06:00

Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness.
____ Facebook is the most bizarre group therapy session I've ever attended.
____ "You should take a picture of that meal and share it with me and everyone you know on Facebook!" -No one, ever.
____ I know life is unfair because the people I really want to stalk on Facebook never update sh*t. (from my Facebook Fan Page)
____ Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.
____ Fun Facebook Game: Accept a friend request from a person you don't know. Then, under all of their photos, comment "I don't remember who you are." (from my FAN PAGE)
Ventriloquism:
____ Ventriloquists would be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts.
Booze:
____ I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Truth:
____ spends most of my day trying to pretend that I'm not addicted to my phone.
Mornings:
____ This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it's not, because morning sucks.

If you enjoyed these, you should consider BECOMING A FAN as my page is chock full of witty people and they like to share their status updates with others! If you think your status updates are funny and you'd like to see what thousands of people think, click HERE and share.

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK:

2012-02-02T23:25:00.001-06:00

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS:

2012-01-24T23:54:00.017-06:00

I love my readers. I really do. There's no joke here. I haven't posted fan status updates in a long time and now I'm about 50,000 status updates behind. Whether you contribute status updates to my FAN PAGE or you simply enjoy reading them (and stealing a few, because this stuff is hilarious), I thank you.

____ Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self. (William Hale)
____ a drunk man walks into a bar.... Ok enough about me (Adam Apple)
____ "WE WANT CHANGE!...WE WANT CHANGE!...I DRIVE A VOLKSWAGON!" - a protester with ADD (Bob Brittain)
____ Why do they have a beauty section at Walmart? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Does anybody know the name of that middle eastern country on the Arabic peninsula? Yemen either. (Donny Norris)
____ If I was Leonardo DiCaprio's friend and he did somethin' stupid.. I'd call him "Leotard" then we'd laugh and make out a lil' bit. (Toni Daniels)
____ If I was Superman that would be funny, cuz I'm kinda fat. (Bob Brittain)
____ Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."? (Carrie Leigh)
____ so Jon Bon Jovi is doing advil commercials now? He must be livin on a prayer that he won't go bankrupt. (Lisa James)
____ I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree. (Nobo Dy)
____ Look a$$holes, for the most part I just stay in the corner and mind my own damn business, no need to freak out and stuff.~ Spiders (Donny Norris)
____ Why don't we take this relationship to the next level and you loan me some money. (Egg Head)
____ Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the cheques I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "THIS IS BULLSH*T!!!" - Me, in a cow pasture (Bob Brittain)
____ In a perfect world, R. Kelly would get stung by a jellyfish and then pissed on by all his underage fans. (Nobo Dy)
____ The Dr. didn't seem to find it as humorous as I did, that I drew penises on the ends of all his tongue depressors... (Mustache Mann)
____ "I solemnly swear that I will never drink this much again as long as I live." - Me, in 1997. And '98, '99, pretty much all of the noughties, last year. And tomorrow. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes I worry that my online life may be pushing the people in my real life away. My friend just told me she broke her leg & I said LOL instead of laughing for real. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If my life had a soundtrack it would just be a mixture of me snoring and white noise from the TV...(Donny Norris)
____ The toughest decision you should make today is bottle, draft, or can. (Nobo Dy)

____ I've been calling my girlfriend "babe" for five years because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I see that you and I have a lot in common...and THIS is why I can never trust you. (Mustache Mann)
____ If I post a status and it doesn't get at least 5 likes, I take it down and beat the living shit out of it for being such a disappointment. (Bob TheMuppet Brittain)
____ It's not about how many people like your post. It's about how many look at it, say "meh!" and move on to the next. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Creeping the girl out sitting next to me at the Black Jack table. I keep looking at my cards, and then at her and say, "I'd like to hit that". (Arthur Mabry)
____ life is like a box of cardboard ~ homeless guy (Adam Apple)
____ The hardest thing about working in a restaurant is that your throat is always dry from spitting in everyone's food. (Nobo Dy)
____ Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.
(Shannon Root)
____ Don't you hate when you have something awesome to post, then you do something like change the channel on the TV and you end up forgetting what it was you wanted to post and you get pissed cuz it was really really awesome then you drink yourself into a coma and pass out? Me too. (Bob Brittain)
____ I love waking up hungover and reading my statuses for the first time..... (Mustache Mann)
____ If you are sloppy drunk and are going to ride with me you will hang your head out and I will roll the window up to your neck. These are my terms or you can walk. No one throws up in my car.. (Donny Norris)
____ truth be told, I don't always tell the truth. (Lisa James)
____ There are four other patients in my brothers room and the nurse left a dry-erase marker that they write on their charts with. Hmmmm. This should be fun. (Tim Gauthier)
____ Why has no one used the song Lady in Red in a tampon commercial yet? (Donny Norris)
____ "I love the north pole and hate the south pole!,...No wait... I love the south pole and hate the north pole!" ~ A bi-polar bear. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Everyone has at least one picture of their kid in the bath tub with a soap mohawk.. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever you're feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too! (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm gonna get a dog today!...and by "a dog" I mean "smashed" (Bob TheMuppet Brittain)
____ Redneck body language tutorial for yankees:
If he rolls his sleeves up, he is mad.
If he takes his shirt off, he is posturing.
If he ask some one to hold his cap, it's about to get real.
If he puts his beer down, RUN!!!!!! (Donny Norris)
____ If you give me a cookie and it has raisins in it, I will beat you to unconsciousness, revive you, then beat you some more. (Bob Brittain)
____ The only difference between me & this woman in the elevator is that I don't smell like Chanel or freak out when strangers sniff me. That's it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm out of prison because that's how I parole. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ OH YEAH?! Well....I FAKED the "like" I gave you on your status!! So THERE!! (Mustache Mann)
____ vending machines have the worst return policies (Adam Apple)
____ I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'. (Quirky Sally)
____ If Kim Kardashian and Snooki were both drowning and I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This status was a lot funnier in my head. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ When it comes to naming kids.. Jay-Z and Beyonce really Blue it. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm drunk now. So there goes my posting ability. (Nobo Dy)
____ I dare you to spit on this status. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Today is my day off so I'll spend it worrying that I'm wasting my day off before I have to go back to work. (Toni Daniels)
____ Funny how when you honk at me for stopping to let one car go, I suddenly get the urge to let 5 or 6 go. (Shannon Root)
____ I was accused of being green with envy but it's not true. It's from the gonorrhea. (Nobo Dy)
____ This guy showed me a picture and told me this is me when I was younger.. Man every picture is of you when you were younger.. it's a picture (Adam Apple)
____ Once upon a time n a land far, far away in a time long ago . . . things sucked about the same. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I treat my men like I treat my cars. I get drunk and drive them away. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)f
____ I'm no one's bitch! Not even my own. I'll just buy my sandwich tomorrow.... (Lisa James)
____ Bitches be trippin'.......cuz i tied their shoelaces together. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. They can't read this right? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No YOU grow up. Lame-o sissy pants! (Lisa James)
____ I have sexdaily! I mean dyslexia! (Egg Head)
____ My wife is carrying our first child. He’s 10, the little lazy f*cker. (Adam Apple)
____ Why buy lottery tickets, Mister? Between the mullet and the Trans Am, you look pretty lucky already. (Toni Daniels)
____ listening to LMFAO and haven't laughed once... False advertising (Juliet Abram)
____ Oh yes, I am going to judge you. I've opened up your Facebook. I've seen enough...you are a weirdo. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I could go for a melted tub of hot naked men smashed up against my face right now. Oh.. you only have beer? That’s fine I guess. (Toni Daniels)
____ I just stepped on a crack while petting a black cat that I just sprinkled salt on while standing under a ladder and admiring myself in a broken mirror on Friday the 13..... That's how gangsta I am. (Donny Norris)
____ Yup......this 12 pack of bud tastes the same in Florida as it did in Michigan. I just wanted to make sure. (Mustache Mann)
____ Oh. My. God. Becky. Look. At. Her. But. It is like, SO conjunktive. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Reason I have no kids #13: "Daddy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly there's no such thing as mo... OH GOD IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Kidding. He only eats kids. goodnight." (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Dear FB,
We have a "like" button and a "share" button, but what we really want is... a "belly" button! I hope that made sense because, I'm new at this copy and paste thingy. (Mustache Mann)
____ I do this thing where I let my wife think she is in charge because one day on my death bed.... BAM! I'm gonna inform her otherwise, it will be EPIC... (Donny Norris)
____ Fun thing to do tonight #4,000,000,000: Like then unlike an annoying poster's status- who we all know- so they get notified constantly for nothing. :) (Juliet Rockspin)
____ If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST! (Carrie Leigh)
____ I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the label and it said not to. I was shocked (Hollywood Allan)
____ I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. (Shannon Root)
____ This mornin' the clerk from Dunkin' said that he felt like a zombie. So, I stabbed him in the eye with a pen.. better safe than sorry. (Toni Daniels)
____ My grandparents were a knife throwing team once.......once. (Bob Brittain)
____ I hate it when someone has to have the last word and our conversation turns into a talk to the death cause I'm crazy too. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Congrats to Jay-Z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby girl, she won't have to work a day in her life, they probably should name her Lay-Z (Bald Beaver Hunter)
_____ The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You say "Potato", I say "It's VODKA. Get it right, bitch!" (Rae Broman)
____ If you don't say "lets get cracking" when you're about to smoke crack then your probably not a very funny crackhead. (Lisa James)
____ don't leave me high and dry. Just high would be fine. (Lisa James)
____ During the day I'm just your average middle class, middle aged guy but by night I'm much the same just drunk and despondent too. (Donny Norris)
____ The only thing worse than people who talk to themselves are people who talk to me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I went to the premature ejaculation help group today,but there was no one there. I guess I came too early. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If you say you're cooler than me... Doesn't that make me hotter than you? (Chris Peacock)
____ I woke up this morning to find my big toe was missing. Just a note saying "gone to market". (Hollywood Allan)
____ Good thing they have the word "day" in there, because birth cake? No THANK you. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Turns out bacon is the perfect food to slip under the door to feed your hostages. (Juliet Abram)
____ So I'm back in the HR office today. Apparently a job with benefits is NOTHING like a friend with benefits. (Jack Olivar)
____ "I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass" -- Welcome back to 1995! (Bob TheMuppet Brittain)
____ I have sexdaily! I mean dyslexia! (Egg Head)
____ My wife is carrying our first child. He’s 10, the little lazy f*cker. (Adam Apple)
____ Why buy lottery tickets, Mister? Between the mullet and the Trans Am, you look pretty lucky already. (Toni Daniels)
____ listening to LMFAO and haven't laughed once... False advertising (Juliet Abram)
____ Oh yes, I am going to judge you. I've opened up your Facebook. I've seen enough...you are a weirdo. (Stephanie Manera)
____ My brothers nurse is hot and while using his bathroom I noticed a sign by the toilet, "pull for assistance". Now I'm naked and waiting. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I can't look my garbage man in the eyes... he knows too much. (Donny Norris)
____ I just found out what it sounds like when doves cry. And btw....they are quite tasty too. (Bob Brittain)
____ Sometimes I find myself contemplating the meaning of life.. especially after a Jersey Shore marathon. (Toni Daniels)
____ How was everybody's weekend? I hope it sucked cuz I hate seeing people happy and having a better time than me. (Bob Brittain)
____ I have a pretty impressive list of qualifications. I have diplomas in mathematics, chemistry, physics and biology, most known languages, history and geography, medicine, law, commerce, art and theology. And forgery. (Danny Coleiro)
____ No more poking, I have a headache. (Lisa James)
____ Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug. (Shafique Khatri)
____ works on Sundays!!! Woohooo!!! Haha just kidding...I wanna die :-( (Andrew Lyngwa)
____ If you tickle me, I am not responsible for your injuries. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I figured that all your statuses would be funnier if I imagined you were all in your underwear. It just got uncomfortable and I ended up getting more angry. (Dorraj Koob)
____ I've got a whole bunch of unused statuses, all in good condition. I'm selling them - if anyone is interested, msg me. (Lisa James)
____ Before Facebook, I had to write my sh*t in restroom stalls. Still do nevermind. (Nobo Dy)
____ Ever since I was a little kid, I've wanted to be an astronaut and walk on the moon. And now, finally, after years of hard work, I've discovered alcohol abuse and hallucinogenic drugs, and I'm an astronaut. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "This is the best acid ever. I should totally write some children's books now." ~Dr. Seuss (Jennifer Holmes Medel)

____ I hold my TV remote sideways, that's how gangsta I am. (Donny Norris)
____ The next person who posts about shufflin' I'm gonna "shuffle" on over to and stab them in the face. (Bob Brittain)
____ just invented the "Breast bump", it's like a fist bump but with breasts. (Juliet Abram)
____ If you tell me to "chillax," I will "chillstab" you and "chillaugh" while you bleed to "chilldeath..." (Lee Mays)
____ I always wondered why The Muppet's had such large protruding eyes. I then realized i would too if I had a hand up my ass. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ It's a keyboard, it's a guitar, it's both!! I love the 80s! (Juliet Abram)
____ I FEAR FOR MY LIFE. I couldn't care less about any of my other board games but I FEAR FOR MY LIFE. (Donny Norris)
____ I hate it when I wake up naked in the middle of the woods. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I think it would be funny if the company that decided to compete with 4square was called 7yearsago (Arthur Mabry)
____ Seriously getting sick of Facebook. Because, you know....Ham. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Truth be told, I seriously doubt your guess is as good as mine. (Shannon Root)
____ Thanks to my primordial scream, I am pretty sure that spider is deaf. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, which isn't saying much since I don't seem to have one. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Some woman kicked my nuts today which really pissed me off cuz I love pistachios. (Bob Brittain)
____ I just want to meet a nice sandwich and settle down. (Toni Daniels)
____ I just pee'd outside and no I feel that I can identify with the pioneers of this great nation. (Donny Norris)
____ If you are constantly apologizing for being yourself, you should probably apologize for not being yourself. (Nobo Dy)
____ If any of you guys need a shoulder to cry on, I know this really good one down on interstate 80. There's even a discarded couch for you to sit on. (Jack Olivar)
____ Dear guy who poked me on Facebook today......really? (Bob TheMuppet Brittain)
____ My boss asked if I have special plans for the weekend. He looked confused.. but Naked Nacho Friday night is as special as it gets. (Toni Daniels)
____ Me: What's for Supper
Wife: It's one of those everybody fend for themselves nights.
Me: I don't think so woman. Now get in that kitchen.
Wife: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Me: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Spaghetti O's it is. (Donny Norris)
____ Apparently,There are more men than women in mental hospitals,.. which goes to show who drives who crazy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Did you know, if it's a full moon and you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you’ll look stupid doing that? (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ The people in this liquor store act like I'm the first person to be here in a bathrobe crying. Keep your judgement and sell me the vodka. (Jenni More)
____ Disregard this status...I am standing awkwardly in a circle pretending to text to avoid this douchebag in front of me. Just play along. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ In an office full of educated, degree holding, accountants, engineers, marketing and sales personnel, there should never be an unflushed turd.... Just saying. (Donny Norris)
____ Apparently I should wait until I get home to take my Ambien. At least that was what one of the joggers I ran over was saying as he was being loaded into the ambulance. Then again people with head injuries tend to babble. (Sean Shipley)
____ If you don't pronounce again as A-GAIN, you should. (Donny Norris)
____ What would I do for a Klondike bar? Probably just give you the $1.45. I'm confused. (Robert Wilkinson)
____ Is it wrong to go to sleep and dream of beating someone up, then wake up smiling about it? (Carrie Leigh)
____ If you can't say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ I dont know how people can laugh in photos & still look good.. I look like an awkward horse.(Anthony Nash)
____ Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting. (Rich Stevenson)
____ I have a plethora of ways to sound like a douche. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There are some people I know that I really wish weren't afraid of bears. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played (Justin Sayson)
____ I think the guy that came up with "try and walk a mile in my shoes".. just wanted to spread his foot fungus. (Toni Daniels)
____ For every "Like" I shall smack myself..... (Alex Romero)
____ dogs have arm pits and ass pits. People don't. Just another thing to be thankful for. (Lisa James)
____ I've been on this world for almost 60 years and I think I just figured out women... oh, wait, did I say women I meant how to tie my shoes, sorry. (Henry Andelmo)

____ The next time I find a cell phone in the bathroom at work, I am going to call someone at random from the address book and start using those key words that the NSA is supposedly monitoring just to see what happens. (Beau Diggity)
____ I hate those frozen t.v. dinners that gotta make things so complicated. Let's see, cut a vent in top, microwave on high 4 minutes then stir the potatoes. Wait...WHAT? Stir the potatoes? Who do I look like, Wolfgang Puck? (Shannon Root)
____ If I allow my boss to talk long enough he will eventually realize that I am right... (Donny Norris)
____ My biography is almost complete. Donny Norris, a cautionary tale.. (Donny Norris)
____ according to a recent study conducted, Monday has been voted “Least Popular Day of the Week” 176 years in a row. (Darlene Kowaleski Stewart)
____ That REALLY awkward moment ---- 12/22/2012. (Sara Lavoie)
____ Yesterday I gave my girlfriend some beautiful flowers like "Here, these are for you; Now watch them slowly die bahahaha.. because i love you. (Chris Peacock)
____ Tonight a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders.... thank God that buff dude was in the gym and I'm never doing squats again.. (Donny Norris)
____ I once stood in the back and said "Everyone Attack!", but it never turned into a Ballroom Blitz. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Tired? There's a nap for that. (Anthony Nash)
____ Ham sandwiches are partly responsible for the sandstorms in Hong Kong. This sentence is how I know that my boss never actually reads my weekly report.... (Donny Norris)
____ I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Today the doc told me I have 2 yrs left to live. I was really disturbed by this. I mean, what am I gonna do on this earth by myself when the rest of you die in December? (Fitzroy Røbèrts)
____ If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator? (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ So much negativity tonight...either some of you drink too much or you don't drink enough. (Bob TheMuppet Brittain)
____ I hate when I lose important things like keys, cell phones, and the will to live. (Matt Procella)
____ Yes, this is a banana in my pocket. And it's really happy to see you. And this PCP is delicious. (Dorraj Koob)
____ If you are over the age of 30 and are not addicted to anything yet...you are doing it wrong! (Tom Guntorius)
____ After years of being called 'behind the times', I've finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my profile pic on MySpace, losers! (Danny Coleiro)
____ Wow - if you mix a ramen soup with extra crunchy peanut butter it tastes like I really need a girlfriend. (OverDose)
____ I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Wholesome family shows make me want to strangle my children.. (Donny Norris)
____ Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time. Damn, it feels good to be gangsta. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I force my dogs to watch those animal abuse commercials just so they know how good they have it. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When someone posts that they're heading to the gym I feel like driving over there and exposing them in the lie. But I'm too busy partying and being super popular. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ People go about their normal everyday lives, getting on my nerves and never realizing how close to death they actually are. (Donny Norris)
____ It’s National Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day! It felt so good to throw everything onto the floor. (Lisa James)
____ I love wrong numbers! Me: Hello. Caller: Is Linda there? Me: Nope, she just took off with her boyfriend to Vegas, said something about getting married. Caller: What?!...click (Beau Diggity)
____ When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I'm on a roll.~ Pat of butter, probably. (Donny Norris)
____ We need to invest the time and money to make sure something like Limp Bizkit never happens again... (Lee Mays)
____ If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff... (Lee Mays)
____ I'm going to the graveyard when the zombie apocalypse comes and play the coolest game of wack-a-mole EVER. (Donny Norris)
____ I was just thinking about making some changes in my life the first one would be resigning from my job as a middle age mom and re-applying to be a reckless teenager. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Make no mistake between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (StevieLyn Batman-Green)
____ Don't bite the hand that feeds you. There's barely any meat on it. Go for the thighs. (Shafique Khatri)
____ "I wear a beret because that's how I baguette." - French people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I have blood on my knee and I don’t know where it came from it must be a ninjury (Adam Apple)
____ Just looked up something on WebMD... It was nice knowing you guys. (OverDose)
____ Still not exactly sure why facebook wants me to know about tractor auctions. (Lisa James)
____ I just dipped my Kit Kat into peanut butter and now I know why dogs will bite you if you get too close to their food. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't know why it's sexy to suck your cheeks in and give darting glances around the room while you have one hand on your hip and your ass thrust extremely to one side...but I do it often. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm so broke and sad I don't have any cents of humor (Adam Apple)
____ Lecturing your kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to your Facebook pictures. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide? (Jack Olivar)
____ People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one's ass to fall off. (Jack Olivar)
____ If people are about to rock, I salute them. (Juliet Abram)
____ It's weird that Spider-Man doesn't eat bugs. (Matt Procella)
____ Props to Loverboy for not sellin' out and recording an "Everybody's Workin' For Their Wheat Thins" jingle. (Toni Daniels)
____ 'I know' is NOT a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his wife is in bed. (Adam Apple)
____ I wish Jon Bon Jovi was selling adrenaline instead of advil because then he could really get shot through the heart. (Lisa James)
____ Today I ended a long relationship. I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I'm in so much debt that if I won the lottery I'd go from rags to name brand paper towels. (Nobo Dy)
____ I can't complain. I let Adele do that for me. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ created a drink called “wife needs to talk” ..it’s straight Vodka (Adam Apple)
____ According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I love how people say "what the devil got into you?" like they've never been possessed by the devil before. Lol? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If my cat had a facebook account his status would be Meow. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm really good at drawing ninjas, I'm kind of a martial artist. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Thinking bout creating a fake profile...is "White Chocolate Thunder" too much for a name?(Rae Broman)
____ If they could bottle sexiness I'd be terrified of suffocating in there. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Of course America is desperate for oil. Donkey Kong wasted thousands of barrels of it to kill Mario in the 80's. (Jack Olivar)
____ It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ There is no "We" in "Finding a place to bury your body." (Toni Daniels)
____ According to my voicemails, I was supposed to pick my mother up at the airport a month ago (Nobo Dy)

Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and join the madness.

KIDS AND FACEBOOK:

2012-01-19T20:33:00.001-06:00

Did you know your CELL PHONE has a name?

2012-01-15T13:47:00.000-06:00

I posted this yesterday on my FAN PAGE and had over 700 comments!

Did you know your CELL PHONE has a name? Try this:
1st step: from your mobile number number, take the last 3 numbers. Example- 780-496-9684 , take "684"only
2nd step: Write this @*[684:0] in the comment box below, replacing the 3 numbers with your own.
3rd step: remove the * sign and press enter in the comment box.

Your Facebook friends will be astounded and amazed! They'll marvel at your knowledge! Or something like that.

Here's a Funny picture to post, at no extra charge:

New Facebook Fan Page Status updates, 12/31/11

2011-12-31T01:38:00.004-06:00

As the year comes to a close, I'd like to reflect on the people I've met through this blog and my FAN PAGE. I am a person with much to say, but I'm speechless when I scroll through the status updates you've all contributed this year. I'm so thankful for this ingenious group of people! What's that? Am I crying? No, my eyes are bleeding from reading all of your status updates because I keep forgetting to blink. Here are a few I liked:
____ I don't know why men think women are catty. I admire all my fellow females... Except this woman giving my outfit the stink-eye who's obviously a total Ho Bag. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I like how the question mark looks like an ear. Whaaat? (Lisa James)
____ There've been so many awkward moments, nothing is awkward anymore. (Nobo Dy)
____ You would be suprised how inexpensive your home entertainment system can be if you can acquire a 4 wheel dolly and a WalMart smock. (Donny Norris)

____ Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself. (Adam Apple)
____ Nothing says "I am ready for a commitment!" like me when I am tanked. Or the fact that I still use plastic utensils. (Rae Broman)
____ Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new layout? (StevieLyn Green)
____ I don't really care if people don't "like" my posts. I will simply go on with my day by unfriending them, blocking them, finding out where they live, burning their house down and stealing their car. But the last thing I'm gonna do is get upset over something so trivial. (Bob Brittain)
____ My jokes are not always nonsense but when they are I ride my bicycle. (Adam Apple)
____ Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on bitches. (Donny Norris)
____ I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward. (Jenni More)
____ So these 2 typos walk into a pube... (Nobo Dy)
____ The Mayans BETTER be right, I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013! Wish me luck... (Mustache Mann)
____ My favourite stereotype would probably have to be car stereos, because who doesn't love music while they drive? (Mya Sisnice)
____ My Christmas tree fell over last night so now I'm lying beside it, humming Lauryn Hill songs because we understand each other. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ whenever I get tagged in a post I'm all like "you rang?" (Lisa James)
____ I'm going to bed and you will like this post because it's just what you do and I will have oatmeal for breakfast and you will like that too. (Donny Norris)
____ Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their sh*t, or is it just me? (Shafique Khatri)
____ I want to make love to you - Me, talking to my 17th beer. (Bob Brittain)
____ starts a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked. (William Hale)
____ My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving. (Chris Hallman)
____ I hate it when someone makes eye contact with me and I can't decide whether to serve chicken or fish at our wedding. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You people sucke'... it sounds nicer with the e and accent mark right? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink. I already have one. (See More)
____ I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning. (Rae Broman)
____ I hate when girls use vague phrases that could mean anything, like "hook up" and "no." (Nobo Dy)
____You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
(Shannon Seymour)
____ ◄ is looking forward to a weekend full of regretful behavior and irreversible decisions. (Tracy Love)
____ I'm pretty sure I could beat up a shark. (OverDose)
____ "Well, I tried." -any judge at the end of any given work day (Arthur Mabry)
____ Sometimes I like to storm into the office yelling "OK PEOPLE! I WANNA SEE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE!" while throwing underwear in everyone's faces and leaving before they realize I don't work there. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Like this status and I will post naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks. (Adam Apple)
____ This status brought to you by the fact that my autocorrect knows when I'm drunk. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Nothing in life is free. Other than the stuff you successfully steal. (Nobo Dy)

____ FYI- I have a high success rate at leaving people for dead. (Nobo Dy)
____ I haven't been in a relationship for so long, Facebook just asked if I am okay. (Toni Daniels)
____ "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder. (Mya Sisnice)
____ If I could do a back flip, you'd know it.... because that's how I would enter and exit every room. Always. (Lee Greenspan)
____ I WANNA ROCK! - Dee Snider at a quarry. (Bob Brittain)
____ Whoever said "You can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me use the last sheet of toilet paper. (Gerti Kola)
____ I tend to repeat my mistakes because I am usually so drunk that I don’t remember making them in the first place. (Rae Broman)
____ Lets get one thing straight - I am NOT cute - Cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 28 year old chick fluent in sarcasm. Now that, well, that's hot. (Sara Lavoie)
____ My ex-wife is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four people can play at that game. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I wrote this status with my tongue. (Adam Apple)
____ Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....." (Laurie Hicks)
____ On the Internet, you can be anything you want to be. I choose to be a ninja country girl with a bad attitude. Oh wait, no I wanna be an astronaut. Always wondered what it would feel like to get drunk and throw up in space. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ "The camera adds £50." ~English electronics salesman (Rajat Behl)
____ In a parallel universe, my ass just laughed me off. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you watch my life backwards, I'm still losing. (OverDose)
____ Apparently the guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled. (Rich Stevenson)
____ My parents don't wanna move to Florida when they turn 60...BUT THATS THE LAW DAMNIT!#@$%^&!! (Jordana G-star)
____ If this guy says "jazz hands" one more time I'm gonna jazz punch him in the throat. (Nobo Dy)
____ I want a pet penguin so I can name it Pengwyneth Paltrow and I can take it to the beach with me and feed it to a shark.(Rajat Behl)
____ Whenever I see the MSIB winky happy face, I feel like it knows something. (Sharon De Koning)
____ just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill - tomorrow I think I'll actually turn it on! (Dennis E Kirk II)
____ 365 more days til we all die! YAY! (Bob Brittain)
____ People who keep activating and deactivating their Facebook accounts must have some sad stories. And I don't care if I ever hear them. (Toni Daniels)
____ When my swear jar gets full, I'm gonna use the money to buy a f$%&ing puppy! (Shafique Khatri)
____ A little girl just told me that she liked my snuggie and this is the last sweater dress I will ever wear. (Jenni More)
____ Me-"Do you want dinner?" Him-"Sure, what are my choices?" Me-"Yes or no."(Shannon Seymour)
____ At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I hate those things. My kids, they're cordless. :) (Sara Lavoie)
____ Ladies, you can cut the sh*t. When you take a tiny nibble out of that piece of chocolate and then put it back in the box we know that as soon as we're not looking you are gonna gobble it up along with 6 more faster than a cat can lick his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm too drunk to drive! Give me 5 minutes. (Nobo Dy)
____ WHEW! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers." (Bob Brittain)
____ I do some of my most faithful renditions of cityscapes and portraits with my white crayon. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I feel cool when I get 8 or more likes on my status, but I get put back in my place when I see people with 50+ likes on what they had for breakfast. (Jacob Grell)
____ Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it's because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;) (Toni Daniels)
____ When you're feeling down I'll be there to feel you up. (Shannon Seymour)
____ "I'll be Bach" ~ Bach (every damn second of every damn day if he'd lived to see the 90's) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No thanks Facebook,I DO NOT want to add that bitch from High School as a friend. I WILL, however, add EVERY SINGLE HOT guy from back then that rejected me and treated me like a loser.(Rae Broman)
____ I don't get FaceBook crushes. I get FaceBook smothering with pillows. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you take a tiny poop is it a dumpling? (Lisa James)
____ Operator: “911 please hold.” Me: “Stop murdering me for a sec, we're on hold.”
Murderer: “k.” (William Hale)
____ Which do you think Sandusky prefers? Boxers or wrestlers? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No one realizes the true horror of alcohol until they run out of it. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm wicked tired. It's like regular tired, except I'm evil. (Lisa James)
____ I was worried about side effects of taking Ambien so I asked my doctor. He asked me what I was doing inside his fridge at 3am. (Jack Olivar)
____ Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "I'd do me!" Then I realize that's pretty much my only option. So I do me. I do me good. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I know the light has changed twice people but I'm playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show. (Donny Norris)
____ No matter how nice I ask, nobody will take me to Funkytown. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Ever try batting your eyelashes at a guy you really like but wind up totally missing and bludgeoning him in the head instead? Lol, right? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Stroking someone’s hair while they're asleep and whispering goodnight is adorable. It only gets creepy when they wake up. (Mya Sisnice)
____ The Ignore button on my phone is my best friend tonight. (Nobo Dy)
____ Coworker: I wonder if you would take this quote off my hands, I'm really swamped. Me: Blee blah bloop woogah who ha walla walla spud monkeys of Gibraltar. Coworker: What you said is stupid and makes no sense. Me: So was your statement. (Donny Norris)
____ There must be something wrong with my email. I keep sending you naked pictures of me, and you're not responding. I'll send you a few more just to be sure. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I was sitting here watching my bulldog lick her arm pits and you know I just had to see if I could lick mine....I can. (Bob Brittain)
____ I studied Latin all through school...or should I say "oolskay." (Sharon De Koning)
____ The walk of shame is still exercise. (Shannon Seymour)
____ To be honest, I can't see myself giving a man a fish in the foreseeable future, let alone teaching him how to catch his own. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Wow, these skinny girl margaritas make you guys a lot funnier! (Sharon De Koning)
____ I love my wife. Sh*t, I meant Wifi. (Gitsrik)
____ My friend says I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at the bustop. (Gerti Kola)
____ I haven't had my mental health in years... Funny thing is, I don't miss it :) (Lisa James)
____ Is it my turn to talk out of? (Dennis Cox)
____ We have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "Boss", we say "stupid psychopathic git"... (Farhanah Khalit)
____ I take my best pictures running red lights... (Jay'Arr Zone'Dee Stewart)
____ Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. And sometimes skips. (Tom Guntorius)
____ When I was young my family was so poor the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue. (Shannon Seymour)
____ My eyes woke up on the bong side of red. (Jenni More)
____ Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up (Adam Apple)
____ I think it's rather ironic that the state of Connecticut has two contradictory actions in it's name. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If it wasn't for my nowledge of English spelling and grammer, I would had nothing. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My friend David had his id stolen. So now we just call him Dav. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Got pulled over by the cops today & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'"...now, what is my lawyer's number? (Dotty Joyner)
____ I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses. (Donny Norris)
____ What would Elvis do? (Dennis Cox)
____ It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports. (Egg Head)
____ If a kidnapper sends you a ransom note with spelling and grammatical errors, it's okay to demand a new one before starting negotiations. (William Hale)
____ Two months ago I threw my friend a great party. I think he should go home now (Adam Apple)
____ When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your girl. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)

____ Every time a door closes, another opens somewhere else. I think it's, like, an air pressure thing. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ How much do you have to drink to forget a year? Whatever that is, that is what I will drink as my New Years Resolution. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Shuffle all you want. Everyday I'm guzzling. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Blood may be thicker than water but it doesn't taste as good in Jello. (Bri Guy)
____ WooHoo!! I just got this status out of lay-away!! How does it look?! (Mustache Mann)
____ To those who have criticized the looks of Sarah Jessica Parker, I say "neigh". It would behoove you to stop making making such unbridled remarks. It is unfair to saddle her with this burden of ugliness. Someone needs to take the reins here and say, "Whoooooaa, this is going too far." Why do we need to trot out these same cracks every time her name comes up? If she were coming to my town, I would pony up the cash to see her. :/ (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Baby, nothing makes you sexier than those 6 beers I just had. (Adam Apple)
____ just saw a sign that said "pass with care.". So when I drove by I yelled out, "hope you don't mind me passing you and that you get a faster car soon, have a good day", even though I don't give a sh*t. (Lisa James)
____ When we were little, we didn't care about what to wear. Our parents dressed us. Lookin' back at my old pictures, it seems they didn't care either. (Toni Daniels)
____ Part of my New Year's resolution is to take care of neglected children.. starting with my 2 kids... oh wait, 3. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Just saw an ad that read: "Fluffer wanted for movie set". They must have a lot of pillows, huh? Well, I sent my resume in, wish me luck! (Mustache Mann)
____ I miss the good old days when you didn't need plyers and a hack saw to get your medication out of the packaging. (Lisa James)
____ Important life lesson...You can't hide a booger under a glass table. (Carrie Leigh)
Well guess who's banned from bringing refreshments to the AA meetings? This is worse than the time I was in charge of activities at the retirement home... I still got the stripper pole. (Donny Norris)
____ My favorite memory of 2011, is having no memory of 2011. (Lisa James)
____ You might be old if you miss something from 'the good ole days' :( (Lisa James)
____ My wife said I should make abstinence my New Year's resolution, and I agreed with her 100%. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go look up "abstinence" in the dictionary. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I love spiders so much that if I was a super hero I'd be called "Batman Who Loves Spiders". (Mya Sisnice)
____ I would add each and everyone of you funny mother effers to be my Facebook friends but then you would know exactly how much of a thieving bastard i am:/ (David Burnham)
____ Facebook should add a hug and kiss button that way people can have a little foreplay before getting poked. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I laid my kids cereal out to form a big circle on the kitchen table, and told them "this is the circle of LIFE". I hope they have no further questions..... (Mustache Mann)
____ I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to kick the other girls in the crotch, it was my first kickboxing class. (Lisa James)
____ I've come to the conclusion that the majority of people who use the words "haters" and "swag" often have neither. (William Hale)
____ I'd say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. (Arthur Mabry)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Sometimes I think you must wonder whether I'm stalking you or just joking around. Then I smile at how cute you look when you're sleeping & get back to naming our grandchildren. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Dear Toilet Paper Companies: We have ALL run out of toilet paper before. Please make the inside tube softer. ~ Sincerely, My Ass ~ (Sha Foxx Rivenbark)
____ Just once I want the same reaction as my 2 year old niece gets when I announce I just used the potty (Jack Olivar)
____ Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good. (Gitsrik)
____ Who's up for a friendly game of "What's my alibi"? (Sean Shipley)
____ I had to break up with my boyfriend because he had so many different personalities I thought I was cheating on him every night. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I could never be a spy in a third world country. I'd blow my cover as soon as the first spider touched me.(Shannon Seymour)
____ Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook WON'T fix it. (Sara Lavoie)
____ Instead of supporting the stop snitching movement, people need to support the stop doing dumb sh*t to get arrested movement. (Justin Sayson)
____ Thank god Pandora has a New Years Eve station because if not I would have NO IDEA what to listen to. (Lisa James)
____ I told my buddy's grandpa a joke yesterday and he laughed so hard he fell out of his porch swing and broke his hip and that's not funny...You people are sick. (Donny Norris)
____ Setting the bar high the previous year is the best way to drunkedly crawl underneath it the first few months of the next. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Remember that time when the Twilight film series was popular? What?! It's STILL popular? Well, f*&^. (Kyle MacDougall)
____ Ummmm...does anyone have an extra liver I can borrow for New Years Eve? Thanks in advance...(Mustache Mann)
____ In my original plan, I had a maid! (Carrie Leigh)
____ Ok so this lady told me I couldn't hold her baby because I was too drunk. Uuh, first off, don't bring your baby to a bar, am I right?!? And second, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Geeze. (Kim Carr)
____ How about instead of complaining about the quality of posts on here, you go away and GET FUNNY? (Mandeh Moo)
____ Sorry about all the typos lately, gays. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Maybe, just maybe the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?" (Michael Grantham)
____ I can only hope that some where in the world, someone else is doing the exact same thing as me. And if no one is...what are we fighting for....Holy crap this heating pad is hot on my ass! (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ So if they recommend you have four servings of fruit a day, how many Corona's with lime would that be? (Carrie Leigh)
____ A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.. :D (Fitzroy Røbèrts)
____ In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment. (Eric Caro)
____ Choosy moms should just focus on the task at hand and make the damn sandwich! (Rich Stevenson)
____ If your ears burn because people are talking about you, what does it mean if your nipples itch? Just curious... (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ I'm not sexist; being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women. (Gary Hensley)
____ it's screw you o'clock riiiiight... now (Adam Apple)
____ If you don't like tater-tots, you're a b*tch. (OverDose)
____ I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks. As soon as I heard that first "Dun, Dun,” I'd be outta there! (William Hale)
____ I don't mean to brag, but most of the time I brag. (Adam Apple)
____ It's always that one damn person that talks to me and then all of sudden no one is safe. (Nobo Dy)
____ I gave blood today and they told me my blood type is "beer positive". (Mustache Mann)

Is your New Year's Resolution "Be funnier on Facebook"? Become a FAN and contribute your own status updates, or just borrow some from us. Thanks for stopping by!

HOLIDAY SEASON FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

2011-12-11T22:05:00.029-06:00

It's the Holiday Season, and the holiday status updates are pouring in on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. I will continue to add them as I see them, so check back often. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some spiked egg nog to sample...

____ Only 13 more days and I get a new pair of underwear! (Donny Norris)
____ Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus... I wanna be 19 again. (Adam Apple)
____ Some carolers were singing outside of my house last night. They sang so well, I gave them an extra 10 seconds to get the hell off my property. (Nobo Dy)
____ My homemade Christmas wreath just got stolen! There goes my whole winter stash :( (Mustache Mann)
____ My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up 15 years ago. (Chris Hallman)
____ Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ ♪♪ It's the most wonderful tiiiime of the year (to develop a drinking problem) ♪♪ (William Hale)
____ Deck the halls with booze and be jolly, fah la la la la, blah blah blah blah! - Drunk Christmas carols. (Lisa James)
____ Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is her ♥....... Lol, j/k I need a new phone. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Welcome To The Jingle" ~ Bells (Toni Daniels)
____ Going to get a real tree some time this week...hope it doesn't end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas.. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ 29 MORE JUGS OF RUM TILL CHRISTMAS!!!!! (Nobo Dy)
____ "Oh! Oh! Oh!" ~Dyslexic Santa (Egg Head)
____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. (See More)
____I'm so poor that I'm just going to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshner. (Lisa James)
____Ha, I remember that Christmas when the hounds broken in the house and ate our turkey and we had to go out for Chinese and then Chevy Chase got stuck in our attic and three ghosts came by and Tiny Tim said God Bless us each and every one and that fat angel got his wings and Santa won his court case and Rudolph's nose was so bright, and Charlie Brown was down in the mouth about the commercialism of Christmas and my life sucks and all... (Donny Norris)
____ Let us not forget the real meaning of Christmas... The birth of Santa Claus. (Adam Apple)
____I am such a thoughtful girl! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up. :( (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Dear Santa, I was framed! (Shannon Seymour)
____ If Santa does not bring me something good I'm going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight. (Thomas Christopher)
____ Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this Christmas by giving her a shovel. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Christmas shopping list: -----> refer to f*ckit list (Lisa James)

____ All I want for Christmas is a go-go gadget bitchslapping arm. Is that too much to ask? (Lisa James)
____ This is my Christmas letter. The kids are getting big and sh*t, some old people died this year and sh*t, you should be receiving the lame holiday post card with the gaudy holly borders of me and the fam on the beach this summer. We are having weather and sh*t and we love you and miss you and sh*t. Me. This is how they might as well all read. (Donny Norris)
____ "Ho, Ho, Ho!" - Santa Claus/Pimp doing a head count. (William Hale)
____ My favorite part of Christmas is family dinner and all the drunken confessions. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that. (Helen Long)
____ Everytime this status goes unliked a reindeer dies. (Rob Parsley)
____ My kids still think that mistletoe comes in sandwich bags. (Mustache Mann)
____ I found out today that, even though it's the Christmas Season, donning my gay apparel should never ever happen again. (Bob Brittain)
____ Santa is Satan misspelled...I'm on to you, Fatman. (StevieLyn Green)
____ Ok, I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram...Oh dear! (Donny Norris)
____ Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2011. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Yeah, I can see where decorating your office for Christmas takes priority over you actually doing the job you're getting paid for. While you're at it you might as well decorate the bathroom too, someone might actually give a sh*t in there. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ I hope my mum gives me money for Christmas this year, instead of another musical jewelry box that plays "Someday My Prince Will Come." (Mya Sisnice)
____ I would like to beat the Christmas Spirit into some folks. (Donny Norris)
____ All I want for Christmas is to see a few people on the next episode of Unsolved Mysteries. ;) (Patricia Parra)
____ Dear Everyone I Know, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come just left and it looks like you're getting jack sh*t from me again this year. Merry Christmas! (Bob Brittain)
____ I love when my horoscope says something like "enjoy a company party or a night out with peers for some festive cheer"...no sh*t, that was hard to predict right before Christmas. (Toni Daniels)
____ Wanted: Santa Claus for my kid’s Christmas party. College coaches need not apply. (William Hale)
____ Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room! (John Jordan)
____ We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You have 5 minutes to repost this to 8 of your closest friends and loved ones or you will have 7 years of bad luck, a broken mirror, a black cat crossing your path, leftover spaghetti in your hair, 4 chicken wings, 2 ugly Christmas sweaters, and a partridge in a pair of trees. (Juliet Abram)
____ I'm making everyone's Christmas gifts this year, so if you were thinking about friending me you may want to wait until the New Year. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ok, I've got Christmas covered. Tons of boxes wrapped and under the tree...nothing is in them. Now I'm going to stage a break-in on Christmas Eve, break a window, hide the boxes and lie to the kids one Christmas morning about all the cool stuff that got stolen. (Donny Norris)

Awesome Christmas Moments remixed from ScreenWerks on Vimeo.

Happy Holidays!

NEW FAN PAGE STATUS UPDATES, 12/11/11:

2011-12-11T20:48:00.007-06:00

Hi. My name is MY STATUS IS BADDEST, and I'm hooked on booze, phonics, chapstick, and the wit of the fine people who post on my FAN PAGE.

____ If you can’t take a joke.. don’t walk around looking like one. (Adam Apple)
____ This annoying woman behind me at the coffee shop is reading what I'm writing. Can't wait until she realizes... Thaaaaat's right Lady, look away. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I laugh at my own jokes when I'm reading your posts. (Nobo Dy)
____ Okay... We have Smartphones and Smart Cars. Can we start concentrating on making more Smart people now? (Mustache Mann)
____ Sat down in front of the computer specifically to look something up, and one hour later, I'm still here on Facebook, and totally forgot what I came here for. (Arthur Mabry)
____ "What the hell am I supposed to do now?" ~ Me when I'm not on Facebook. (Adam Apple)
____ Do the right thing today, go to someone's profile. Scroll down 4 months and like something. (Nobo Dy)
____ Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I am going to log off early tonight and spend some quality time with my wife because I am a good husband and I left my phone charger at work. (Donny Norris)
____ If a post is really good you will read it twice if a post is really good you will read it twice (Adam Apple)
____ I don't think first three letters in diet are accidental. (Nobo Dy)
____ If at first you don't succeed try try again is good advice but trust me, the judge doesn't want to hear it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some days I think that I would be much happier if I were single...and all the other days I know it for a fact. (Harley Quinn)
____ I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day. (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it, whatever. (Leilani Christi)
____ When we're at work and I say hi, what I really mean is f*** you. (Bonnie Lou Demster)
____ “Check out my twelve pack abs!” ~ Me, strutting past the store clerk with a 12-pack under my shirt. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I am addicted to MUSIC!!!! FACEBOOK!!!!! MOVIES!!!! AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!! (Adam Apple)
____ I wonder what Water did to get kicked out of Earth, Wind and Fire? (Mya Sisnice)
____ The "Like" button is free you inconsiderate bastards. I love you. (Nobo Dy)
____ In theory, I LIKE your status. On paper, I don't. (Arthur Mabry)
____ <--- Insert mildly funny status here. Danny Coleiro and 498 others like this. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Monday spelled backwards is NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Lisa James)
____ Another reason weed is better than alcohol: never stone dialed an ex... By the time I grab my phone I forget why I have it, and just order a pizza instead. (Ryan Lucas Sherrer)
____ Well it’s time to get off my ass... and lie on my stomach (Adam Apple)
____ It saddens me to think about all the deserving people who will go without a bitch slap today. (Donny Norris)
____ Yeah, well I was an idiot the other day and looked for a "like" button on a text. F*** you, Facebook. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ just read an article about McRibs. They're made from McRubber. (Lisa James)
____ I hate it when people tell me I need to get out more...and don't offer to be my designated driver. (Rae Broman)
____ The weather man said 6-8 inches. We got 4. I now understand the disappointment women have to endure. (Bob Brittain)
____ "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" - no man, to any woman, ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's nothing better than sitting on the couch in your underwear. I'm going to enjoy this until the department store security guys show up. (Barksdale Janell)
____ I'm wearing my Friday underwear on a Tuesday so today is going to rock! (Lisa James)
____ Jim Henson took it a little too far when he made Snooki. (Nobo Dy)
____ You know the book called "The Power of thinking without thinking"? I just bought the book without buying it. (GoldRobo DancerGuy)
____ I intend on answering every question today, with a cleverly placed movie quote. I'll be baack later to tell you how it went. (Jack Olivar)

____ "OMG...LEAVE me alone people!!" ~ ME checking my status notifications every 35 seconds. (Rae Broman)
____ I missed a period in my last status...thank god I’m a guy (Adam Apple)
____ Destiny's Child "I'm a Survivor" seems to lose some of it's gusto when you're lying in the fetal position singing it into a mars bar and sobbing. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FINALLY took off the headband that I have been wearing since 6am...I no longer question why Marsha Brady was such a bitch... (Rae Broman)
____ I feel like Ms. Pacman gives women an unrealistic body image. (Mya Sisnice)
____ If I was a street bum I would wear a beret and paint pictures because "Starving Artist" seems more romantic.... (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes you look at the makeup women wear and you have to wonder if back in kindergarten they also colored outside the lines. (Jack Olivar)
____ Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon! (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ My bartender and I got into an argument and he told me that he was going to give me an Old Fashioned ass whipping. The next thing I knew he had thrown bitters in my eyes, sprayed me down with club soda and hit across the head with a bottle of bourbon...... I'm not even telling what he did with the lemon wedges and the sugar cube :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Papa's Got a Brand New Bag - James Brownweed (Nobo Dy)
____ I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out. (Chris Hallman)
____ Just saw several boys gathered in my neighbors yard. Figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake. Or a drug deal....Too soon to tell. (Harley Quinn)
____ Whenever I pull up to a stop light and there is someone there with a cardboard sign looking for a few bucks and I think about giving them some, I remember the hard day I had at my JOB and go buy some beer instead. (Bob Brittain)
____ If someone asks me a dumb question, I say "let me put on my thinking hat!" Then I put a condom over my head and stand there till they leave. (Toni Daniels)
____ Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I've got your back" (Cory Nation)
____ I still can't believe that wasn't butter. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Saying "and sh*t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I'm playing with barbies and sh*t! (Gerti Kola)
____ and alcohol are now friends. (Aneesh Mani)
____ If I don't see more than 7 likes on a status, I don't even bother reading it. (Dana O'Neal)
____ I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg! (Karen Vanselow)
____ I think it's time to turn my life around. ...so I have decided that last night is the last time I will ever kill anybody, EVER! Look at me being good. :-) (James Bowers)
____ 1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. If you thought this was leading up to something good, well that's life. (Donny Norris)
____ If it's consistency you're shooting for, it's pretty simple to disappoint all of the people all of the time. (Sean Shipley)
____ I'm so poor I have to eat Tom and Jerry's Ice Cream. (Dennis Cox)
____ "I'm thinking of doing a pot joke." "That's stupid." "Shut up, kettle." (Nobo Dy)
____ Did you know that all liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick? (Adam Apple)
____ The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft. (Shannon Seymour)
____ You know you should never judge a person from his profile picture. Judge them for their status updates. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Has never been in bad situation, only in really good stories. (Amanda Brinkley)
____ Some nights I drive to a cliff, stare blankly out into the ocean and think really hard about my life, just in case I'm part of a montage. (Mya Sisnice)
____ We were doing team building exercises at work yesterday. I wanted to call my team "The Incredible Edibles" but then no one wanted to be on my team and now the room gets quiet whenever I walk in. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It's amazing how many of friends of mine who always said "it seemed like it was a good idea at the time", are now dead, or a dad. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If the cup is half empty then you are a wuss who can't handle a shot! (Donny Norris)
____ "Pump up the jam" - someone with a hearing problem. (Jack Olivar)
____ I wish I could go back to a time where I could say that I love grandma's muffins without someone laughing at me. (Donny Norris)
____ Whoever used this toilet before me should be rushed to the hospital. (Toni Daniels)
____ Every time I get in a taxi and it's not the Cash Cab, I jump out at the next stop and yell "Red Light Chaaaallenge" as the driver chases me. (Nobo Dy)
____ The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest. :/ (Shrupti Tarma)
____ I don’t care if you call me a narcissist... at least we’re talking about me. (Adam Apple)
____ You know that little blue button that says "share"? Well some of you need to pretend it isn't there. Thanks :) (Mustache Mann)
____ Why is there always an Awkward silence after any "moment of silence"? (Mustache Mann)
____ I did drugs for the first time today...I do them everyday, I'm just saying I woke up a few minutes ago. (Dennis Cox)
____ Hey, I bought you a new necklace. It's made out of rope and it's hanging from the ceiling. Why don't you go try it on? (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Every now and then I look at my dog and remind him that he’s adopted and his real parents didn’t want him. (Jack Olivar)
____ There's A Rumor Going Around That I Like To Start Rumors (Tom Guntorius)
____ Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the hell up, and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the hell up too. (See More)
____ I hate being the only one pissed drunk at a party...It totally ruined my friend's son's sixth birthday. (Cody Tucker)
____ I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life" (Mya Sisnice)
____ Does hooking up with a bartender make you a slut OR fiscally responsible due to the discounted bar tab? Something to ponder.. (Jenni More)
____ The nurse left her blood pressure cuff in my room. When she was checking my blood pressure, I remember her saying "one size fits all". Guess what I'm doing now... (Mustache Mann)
____ It is always exciting when you find an onion ring in your Burger King french fries but not so much when you find a french fry in your onion rings. (Tim Beavin)
____ The "YEE" is high pitched but the "HAW" is a deeper tone, I'm tired of explaining this. (Donny Norris)
____ I already told Cher that I do believe in life after love.. so I'm not sure why she keeps askin'. (Toni Daniels)
____ Just when you have hope for all humans someone goes and answers a rhetorical question without sarcasm & we have to start all over again. (Sean Shipley)
____ So....This guy just asked me if I was a homosexual. I believe his exact words were..."Do you like Twilight"? (Shafique Khatri)
____ "No money? Bad credit? No credit? Chlamydia? Rapist? Coming into murder us? No problem!" - Car dealerships (Thomas Christopher)
____ Everyone has a family tree, unfortunately I have a family cactus filled with a bunch of Pricks. (StevieLyn Green)
____ My mom taught me all the really important stuff growing up. Like not to run with scissors when you can just throw them at your sibling. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ I tried to change my password to "husband" but I got an error message saying it contained too many useless characters. (Toni Daniels)
____ If you have never drunk dialed your boss at 2am to inform her that you have come down with the swine flu and won’t be in tomorrow, you are probably a smarter drunk than me…and you are also not getting written up this morning. (Rae Broman)
____ If you want to experience the joy of having kids, give all your money to a bum, always let someone else have the last drumstick and take cold showers for the next 18 to 22 years. Yep, that about covers it. (Donny Norris)
____ Women who have fake botoxy lips should have to use this smiley ;() (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ I just captured a moth & safely released it outside... So guess it's a good thing nobody asked me to hang out. (Mya Sisnice)
____ The toughest part about problems is figuring out whether to throw food or booze at them. (Nobo Dy)
____ Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel. (Hollywood Allan)
____ When you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately (Adam Apple)
____ I use the self check out aisle because I like to whisper "I own you now" everytime I scan something. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don't squish you guys. (Harley Quinn)
____ Weed... Deleting memories since....... I forgot :( (Shafique Khatri)
____ Fool me once shame on you fool me once shame on you ~ guy with a very bad memory (Adam Apple)
____ I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Deleted 5 people today. I feel so POWERFUL! (Donny Norris)
____ I think I speak for everyone here when I say anything. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I treat my cell phones like I treat my men. I end up breaking them in less than a month and then they're totally dead inside. (Toni Daniels)

If you have a funny Facebook Status update you'd like to share, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit it. Thanks, everybody!

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 12/05/11:

2011-12-05T05:04:00.001-06:00

Drinking:
____ I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
____ Stressed? Try this: Picture a beautiful park, freshly covered in white snow. Birds are chirping happily. Then drink a bunch of beer and pass out. (from my FAN PAGE)
Growing up sucks:
____ is going to make a series of videos for college graduates joining the workforce called "That Stuff You Thought About Growing Up Being Awesome? We Lied To You. Now Get to Work. FOREVER. Bah haa haahaha!!!"
____ When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Boredom:
____ Sigh. I guess I'll build a couch fort. AGAIN.
Google +:
____ Google+ is quickly becoming the "gym membership" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it. (from my FAN PAGE)
Myspace:
____ Just logged into Myspace and it was just a couple of tumbleweeds dancing around a deserted country road.
____ Does anyone know if Myspace uses dial-up servers? I bet they do.
Wishful thinking:
____ Every time I fly, I pray that a generous person with lots of unopened neck pillows sits next to me and decides to give me one. So far, no luck. :(
Facebook suggestion:
____ If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.
Happy Holidays:
____ If you have visions of Sugarplums, get the hell away from me.
Weird:
____ No one ever compliments my armpits, wtf?
English:
____ English language FAIL: Monosyllabic. Think about it.

If you enjoyed these, you should consider BECOMING A FAN as my page is chock full of witty people and they like to share their status updates with others! If you think your status updates are funny and you'd like to see what thousands of people think, click HERE and share. If tweets are more your thing, check out FUNNY ON FACEBOOK to see tweets I thought were particularly funny. Thanks for stopping by!

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, PART ONE OF 8,352:

2011-12-01T00:48:00.027-06:00

Some of you may have noticed that I've posted no new FAN PAGE status updates for awhile. I have so many to post that I don't even know where to start! Stay tuned for more, and THANKS EVERYONE!

____ Kids are so ungrateful! My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked...Uphill...In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it. (Nobo Dy)
____ This year for Christmas, I'm writing statuses for all my Facebook friends. It's cheap and they'll be funnier... Win, Win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're out shopping today and you notice the floor feels weird it's because you're standing on someone's aunt. (William Hale)
____ Love makes your heart race, but so does methamphetamine.. so it'll probably make you feel good for a little while and then you'll die. (Toni Daniels)
____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that. (Helen Long)
____ That would suck if your name was Rick Shaw and you lived in China. (Arthur Mabry)
____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I can't help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper. (Nobo Dy)
____ Sorry, I don't know why that happened. Facebook made all these changes and they randomly blocked a bunch of my friends that I can't stand. (Arthur Mabry)
____ That awkward moment when someone really hot talks to you and you suddenly forget what language you speak. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE. (Ari Abalos)
____ You could probably bounce a coin off my abs if you have low expectations of bouncing and are a money-throwing weirdo. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I'm already done with my Christmas Shopping! Yeah, I'm easy to buy for. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'd bite my nails less if there wasn't always chocolate frosting under them. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This “random acts of kindness” thing is hard. I’m going back to violence. (Nobo Dy)
____ I hate when the definition of a word has other words in it that I have to look up also. (William Hale)
____ Just changed my wifi name to, "I watch you get naked" to stir up some chatter before the neighborhood Christmas Party...Also, because I do. (Harley Quinn)
____ My psychologist didn't really mean it when she encouraged me to “bare all”... (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't exercise on weekends because I know that at some point I'll be running in heels and climbing through a 2nd story window. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I had a talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future.. it was tense (Adam Apple)
____ Apparently the sub-woofer I hooked up in my office earlier this morning is NOT “appropriate for a work environment”…but I was playing Christmas carols so I am claiming religious persecution. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm not like most people. I judge the book and the cover separately. (Toni Daniels)
____ When are we all going to stop pretending that Hyper-Color underwear wouldn't have been pretty awesome? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Please, if I ever offend you, it's because I meant to. (Nobo Dy)
____ If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If you ever get caught looking over the dressing room wall while stalking someone just simply ask "hey, do you know what time it is?". That takes the creepy out of it. (Tim Beavin)
____ I tried to daydream but my mind wanders (Rita Filakia)
____ Innuendo, a word that defines itself. (Justin John Bernard)
____ Never mind the meaning of life, I'd just settle for someone telling me how to put on a shirt without getting deodorant down the side of it. (Harley Quinn)
____ Tater Tots = Little potatoes that are snacks. Hater Tots = Little kids that are a$$holes. (William Hale)
____ My O face is exactly the same face of me looking at a plate of bacon. (Nobo Dy)
____ The only reason I got into business was the hope that one day I could start answering my phone with "Go!". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?" (Chris Hallman)
____ 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. And 100% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up. (John Jordan)
____ For Christmas this year I'm giving the kids the same thing I always give them: something to cry about. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I'm invading their "personal space." (Mya Sisnice)
____ Don't you hate when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything? (Tom Guntorius)
____ People will always talk about you behind your back when you are way ahead of them. (Donny Norris)
____ Now that Thanksgiving is over, can we please go back to being ungrateful bastards? (Danny Coleiro)
____ always tries to sneak X-Men characters into my conversation. That's just part of my Mystique. (William Hale)
____ would rather miss the 3-point-shot than make it and have no one see. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I'm at the playground I like to push kids on the swings. If you push hard enough you can knock the wind out of them and then there's no line for the slide.(Lisa James)
____ But what if bygones want to be something else? (Leilani Christi)
____ I like to start conversations with 'zymurgy', so that if it becomes an argument I can be 100% certain that I've already had the last word. (Danny Coleiro)
____ having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. (Adam Apple)
____ I have a client sitting out in the waiting room absolutely ruining my Journey song since she has angry birds playing at top volume. I'm about to show her how Angry girl works when I sling shot a stapler at her face. (Donna Lee Ivins)
____ People with multiple personalities freak me out. Speak for yourself. You both shut up. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm probably gonna get some heat for this, but I'm turning up the thermostat anyway. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak. (Chris Hallman)
____ When I don't want to wait in line at the bar I tell the bouncer that I'm also a bouncer. Then point to my boobs. ...Then kick him in the nads for laughing and slip through the door. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I put the team in teamwork.. now you do the work. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm not gonna lie, every time I stop at a red light, I secretly hope that those Chinese guys from "Better Off Dead" pull up beside me (Jack Olivar)
____ Does it mean I'm old because I remember the McDonald's sign saying "now serving #1" ? (Mustache Mann)
____ I love all my Facebook friends ..except for you # 139. You, sir, are an a$$hole. (Dennis Cox)
____ Don't know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ How about instead of wearing Shape Ups you just, you know... f***ing exercise? (Toni Daniels)
____ This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving. (Mustache Mann)
____ The good thing about water is that you can have it in your work place. Now, what's special about VODKA is that it looks like water & ... (Renthia Nancy Kaukungwa)
____ To get the ladies in the office gossiping about themselves, I hid a can of opened and rotten tuna in the ladies room trash can. (Mustache Mann)
____ Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy. (Nobo Dy)
____ Dance like no one's watching and post like no one's listening...Because they aren't. Your statuses don't talk, stupid. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BOURNE!" - Matt Damon's Dad probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ suggested to my coworker that we meet in the break room and play a game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who has to stay late to work on a project today. He showed up unarmed so either he is about to forfeit or he misunderstood me but I'm about to stab him anyways. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a leader, not a follower. Unless it's a dark place. Then f*** it, you're going first! (Toni Daniels)
____ Belongs to an elite secret society that meets regularly to discuss world events, the economy, conspiracies, and the New World Order. We meet every Friday at the bar. We call ourselves; "The Innebriati". (Lisa Hanson)
____ Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba. (William Hale)
____ Spotted the same hot guy on the elevator at work two days in a row now. So yeah...I am pretty sure he is stalking me. (Rae Broman)
____ Told my four-year-old that he was a big boy now and that he should stop using baby words. Now we're going to watch Winnie the Sh*t on DVD. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I don't mean to be negative but - . (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Autocorrect is a who're! (Shannon Seymour)
____ If you don’t feel like writing a long email to somebody, just write a short sentence and then add “Sent from my iPhone.” (Barksdale Janell)
____ The voices in my head are telling me to stop being delusional and that I have earphones on. (Adam Apple)
____ I remember my childhood fondly. Every time I drive down a dirt road, I look for those ramps like in the Dukes of Hazzard...oh...and Daisey with those short shorts...Okay, I just look for Daisey. (Mustache Mann)
____ My lactose intolerance brings all the soys to the yard. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I can't help but care a little when I throw my hands in the air. Sorry, rappers. (Mya Sisnice)
____ My car hasn't needed an oil change in over a year. Every time I use the dipstick to check, it says the bottle's still full. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My yoga pants have come to terms with the fact that they are really just "sit on the couch & watch movies pants." (Harley Quinn)
____ I LOVE chewing on squid, and when I say "chewing on squid", I of course mean drinking bourbon til I pass out. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I never think faster than when my wife starts a conversation with "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" (Danny Coleiro)
____ Friend requests: Hot chick: You're in. Hot chick pic: You're in. "Like" whore: You're in. Funny interactions: You're in. Some random dude: Message sent. Dude with interactions with no liking ability: Message sent. Anyone I already know I don't like: Hell no! Get a friend request from and you don't accept: I cry in my basement in the fetal position and wonder why for 48hrs. (Nobo Dy)
____ I wish I could say I don't miss hangovers. I have a feeling this one is going to wear out its welcome. (Dorraj Koob)
____ I just had a GPS installed in my life. It keeps urging me to go back four years and turn left... (Robbie Evans)
____ I bet wrongly convicted death row inmates don't think it's cute at all when the President pardons turkeys. (William Hale)
____ I found out that Santa wasn't real when my plan to drug him and rob his sleigh put my dad in the ER having his stomach pumped :( (Donny Norris)
____ The person above my post likes to be on top (Adam Apple)
____ Happy "Pretend Your Dog Knows How to Sign Its Name on Greeting Cards" season! (Toni Daniels)
____ He's making a list & checking it twice....sounds like Santa has OCD. (Rob Parsley)
____ "Can't wait to watch these cheesy-made-for-TV-Christmas-movies!" - no one (Lisa James)
____ I have never ONCE seen a meter maid clean a parking meter. WTF? (Rae Broman)
____ The average man has had sex in a car 15 times, That is something to keep in mind next time you are looking for a used car! (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ I've always been that "Bridge Jumping" friend your parents tried to warn you about. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Dear Stalkers, I am going to bed now, and will be up again tomorrow morning at around 8. Until then, *BLEEP* is going to happen. Take a break. (Danny Coleiro)
Everyody was NOT kung-fu fighting. I went camping that day. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Algebra is a weapon of Math Distruction. (Adam Apple)
____ I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn’t pronounce it. (Chris Hallman)
____ Anybody else feel insulted when an ugly person hits on them? (Justin John Bernard)
____ Gross!!! Beer does NOT taste good over Cocoa puffs. I'm switching back to Froot Loops. (Mustache Mann)
____ Ok everybody. We are a team, so here is the plan. If it needs to be said, let me do the talking. If it needs to be done, let me do it. We should be fine if we stick to the plan. (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed (Adam Apple)
____ I must be pretty useful because a hot chick just called me a tool. (Tim Beavin)
____ If I were a sex symbol it would probably be the "less than" symbol :< (Nobo Dy)
____ If you chew tobacco, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you can't afford health insurance....or cigarettes. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you speak in third person…it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag. (Rae Broman)
____ I've just eaten* sixteen bunches of grapes**
*drunk **bottles of wine (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account. (Tom Guntorius)
____ How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? (Jack Olivar)
____ I just drew a jelly smile on my toast with a squeeze bottle but I still don't believe it is happy. (Donny Norris)
____ Do you think Michael Jackson will be the leader of the Zombie apocalypse? (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is SH*T! - me pointing to a pile of dog poo. (Lisa James)
____ Having a baby to save a marriage is a terrible idea but having one so u can board the plane 1st is actually kinda clever. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I think the hardest thing about being a vegetarian would be hiding your stash of bacon and steaks from your vegetarian girlfriend. (Justin John Bernard)
____ Life is short and sweet like an oompa loompa that fell into a candy vat. (Lisa James)
____ I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the people I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!" (Heather Robbins-Puliafico)
____ The world needs a hero - I'll go change my clothes (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm as modest as the next guy, although I have every reason not to be. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help. (Cody Tucker)
____ We're all mature, until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap... (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ I don't know... something about bacon. Just like it and move on. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Soi farI’mm pretry happy withh the resukts of my Blacj Friday $59 firsr eye, half offf the secomd eye, Lasik Eye Surgerydeal. (Robert Quinn)
____ Santa is getting Clasuer and Clauser (Adam Apple)
____ I think that in the poem The Night Before Christmas the real reason Santa laid his finger aside of his nose was because he was clearing the soot from his sinus passages. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best way to clear the slate with a girl is to tell her that you're worried about how thin she's been looking lately. (Thomas Christopher)
____ I only tip cows if their service is outstanding. (Jack Olivar)
____ Why is it that people who spit when they talk are the same damn people who think that they have to be right up in your face for you to hear them? (Donny Norris)
____ I always make sure to change very provocatively just in case I have a stalker... I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone! (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Somewhere in the world right now a couple is patiently waiting for Viagra to kick in. (Nobo Dy)
____ Due to a coal shortage, Santa will be giving all bad little boys and girls Nickelback CDs (Thomas Christopher)
____ :-)~~~~ Gene Simmons smiley face, probably (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I love getting up early in the morning and going for a nice long run, followed by an intense workout at the gym. - Somebody who isn't me. (Bob Brittain)
____ My neighbour's dog wouldn't shut up so I gave him a "barking ticket." I don’t think he took me seriously. (Mya Sisnice)
____ When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I usually will only lift heavy objects when a pretty woman is in my presence. (Tim Beavin)
____ I spend most first dates asking a girl about the street she grew up on & her first pet's name so I'll at least have access to her passwords. (OverDose)
____ I enjoy the challenge of oncoming traffic. (Nobo Dy)
____ "So wait....now there's something better than me?!?!" ~ sliced bread (Jack Olivar)
____ Next person to call me short will be kicked in the butt!!! That's all I can reach anyways. (Khayya Currie)
____ Today's hairstyle is called, "And I didn't brush my teeth either." (Jenni More)
____ Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van. (Charissa Sharp Evans)
____ Hey, all of you hot ladies on Facebook: You become increasing less attractive with every kissy faced self portrait you upload. (Michael T. Mandolfo)
____ BACON ( Noun)- The main reason I'm not a vegetarian. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I think that little thing that would stop me from hitting the post/comment/like/ is broken (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ During a meeting today, my boss suddenly dropped dead. Oh how we laughed. (Danny Coleiro)
____ is posting my thought for the day: ...... done! (Carla Cervantes)
____ Caps are powerful because when you say "I am very very happy", it isn't as meaningful as when you say "I am HAPPY!" USE YOUR CAPS WISELY, OR ELSE...I'll put caps in your ass. (Arthur Mabry)
____ It's alright guys. You don't have to like anything. I already love myself. (Nobo Dy)
____ a b c d e f g h I j k l m n o p q r S T F U v w x y z (Shafique Khatri)
____ The only thing we have to cheer is beer itself..~me (Andrew Steven Tafoya)
____ One day, we give thanks for the things we have. The next day, we fight people for cheap products made in China. But then again, I'd punch a you for a waffle maker. And maybe I did... (Jerry King)
____ I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Why is it that the same people who tell you that you seem distant are the very ones who are too close for comfort? (Donny Norris)
____ Can't quite recall whether or not I canceled my date for Friday night or not. Shout out to vodka for keeping things exciting! (Rae Broman)
____ You know what really gets under my skin? An insulating layer of subcutaneous fat. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ BITCH'IN: Used as an adjective as in "MY WIFE IS BITCH'IN" is good. Used as a verb as in "MY WIFE IS BITCH'IN" is bad. (Donny Norris)
____ BLAHLALALALALALALA! ~ My "fall back" response if I see I'm losing the argument. (Donny Norris)
____ It's sucks seeing my kids growing up :( Now I feel kinda' funny playing in their sandbox all by myself. Ehh, I'll get over it once I finish this cool sandcastle! (Tim Gauthier)
____ I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years." She said, "That's a mirror". (Harley Quinn)
____ I can tell you nice things but they'll all be about me. (Nobo Dy)
____ In the sitcom of my life I share an apartment with a prostitute and every night before bed I'd say "sleep tight" Oh how we'd laugh. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drinking a Skinny Girl margarita & all of a sudden I feel like a reality whore. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean... (Mike Foster)
____ A little annoyed that my GPS gives me directions for my trip according to if I'm traveling by car or foot, but not by LSD. (Harley Quinn)
____ The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going? (Jack Olivar)
____ When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much you got?" because I didn't wanna sound greedy... (Chris Hallman)
____ I've had enough family freakin' togetherness. Tomorrow I will challenge husband and kid to a game of hide and go seek and then sneak out and go to a hotel. (Shauna Parsons)
____ I just woke up from a 2 hour nap when I wasn't tired. So if you wanna know what the face of depression looks like, I'll be glad to send a picture (Jack Olivar)
____ Good Morning Bitches! Not dead and very much alive....so I guess we keep going on with the Ha Ha's... (See More)
____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did! (Amber Delaney Moss)
____ Why do people say "your guess is as good as mine"? No, it's not. My guesses are the best. (Lisa James)
____ I got a close up look at a Smart Car...it's just two mopeds, a beach chair and some paper mache. (Nobo Dy)
____ “You know there’s a pill for that” – what I would like to say to most people I meet. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that we're not quite ready for a Spelling Bee. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm a pathological liar. True story. (OverDose)
____ Thanks anyway, Red Bull, but we both know that if you really did give me wings I'd just break them flying into a window. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Four Whores and seven beers ago~ Abraham Drinkin' (Mustache Mann)
____ killed a spider with my wife’s bare hands (Adam Apple)
____ *nodding head* "Oh, I understand now!" ~ me not understanding anything that you're saying (Mustache Mann)
____ At this point, I just age against the machine. (Mya Sisnice)
____ After watching Twilight last night…I am convinced that Bella and I have some things in common. We both attract closeted homosexuals….and neither one of us can act. (Rae Broman)
____ I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me. (Shawn Troxel)
____ When people ask me "Plz" just because it's shorter than "Please",I feel perfectly justified to answer "No" just because it's shorter then "Yes". (Gitsrik)
____ Cows would live longer if they weren’t made of steak and leather jackets (Adam Apple)
____ Just went to the “Dislike” community page on facebook and liked three things. Score! (Juliet Abram)
____ To make a long story short: Stry. (Lisa James)
____ Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t. (Charissa Sharp Evans)
____ I once stood in the back and said "Everyone attack!!", but it didn't turn into a ballroom blitz. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ RockStars and Cops have so much in common. They both want you to have your hands in the air. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Don't worry kids, Grandma's fine! ...It's Santa that got run over by a reindeer. Btw - there'll be no Christmas ever, ever again. (Grandma's not looking so great now is she?) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend (Tom Guntorius)
____ If only the good die young then maybe Santa shares his list with the Grim Reaper, huuuuuuuh??...(Donny Norris)
____ The road less traveled does not have 3G....I'm turning around. (Harley Quinn)
____ If I owe you an apology...you should probably know that I am already drowning in debt. (Rae Broman)
____ that awkward moment when the server hands me the mixed girly drink and my boyfriend my beer. (Lisa James)
____ insert a funny status here: ________ because I f***ing give up. (Bob Brittain)
____ WATER - Giver of life…. Destroyer of witches…. Improver of t-shirt contests. (William Hale)
____ If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Sometimes I wear a cape because I'm a SUPER MUTHER F**KER! (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ "Misery loves company." must have been the driving force behind bring your child to work day. (Rae Broman)
____ When you work 7 days a week EVERY DAY IS FRIDAY!!! Haha, just kidding! I wish I was dead. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ To the idiot who got behind me, flashing his light and honking, and then tried to pass me on the shoulder: Yes, I sped up on purpose so you would have to take that exit, and it's a LOOOOOONG freaking way before you will have a chance to turn around. HA! (Donny Norris)
____ loves technology! My car just told me that I was too drunk to drive! Well, it didn't actually say that but, I woke up, upside down in a ditch...so, it must have been trying to tell me that. (Mustache Mann)
____ Occasionally I like to look through my old statuses and smile smugly at my sparkling wit. (Jenni More)
____ My mind says, "Clean this nasty house!" My body says, "Bitch, shut up!" (Jenni More)
____ My life has become a never ending game of "illegal or just frowned upon?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ You can tell how much someone respects you based on the quality of silverware they put out when setting the table. FYI - my entire childhood I thought used popsicle sticks were knives. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It’s cute how the outdoors tries to compete with the internet. (Adam Apple)
____ thinks that my dignity and boundaries are hanging out again. I can't seem to find either one. :((Toni Daniels)
____ I'm open to new things if they are similar to old ones and get me high or drunk or laid. (Nobo Dy)
____ <------- Believes that no one is a better judge of character than old dogs and little babies. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Lucky Charms, Please stop putting cereal in my box of marshmallows. Thank you. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Sometimes I feel like porn is the least embarrassing thing I look at on the internet. (Nobo Dy)
____ GODDAMMIT!!! YOU GUYS ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE EVERYTHING I POST!!!! ~ Everyone, probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ Ladies: If after one date you tell me, "OMG, you're exactly like me!" That kinda scares me off. I know what I'm like.(Mustache Mann)
____ The next person that tells me I have no shame...probably knows me pretty damn well. (Rae Broman)
____ If there is one thing I've learned in life: an opossum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When someone says literally, most of the times its not literal. The world is full of liars. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Every scar tells an interesting story. Except acne scars, those are pretty boring stories... (Thomas Christopher)
____ I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one has insurance. Don't kill him." (Sean Shipley)
____ woke up thirty minutes ago, and it's already been "one of those days". (Danny Coleiro)
____ Well, he never showed up for our date, so I'm assuming my imaginary doctor boyfriend is off saving lives or something. That's SO like him! (Mya Sisnice)
____ True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled. (Carrie Danley)
____ wanna go deaf for a few minutes? bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I took one of my girlfriends vitamins this morning and if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me. (Chris Hallman)
____ Just pointed at my bag of gummie sharks and said "you're next" as I walked out of the kitchen with a piece of toast. So yeah, big night ahead of me. (Leilani Christi)
____ Better get off of Facebook soon. It's Friday night, and these cats won't Bedazzle themselves... (Lisa Hanson)
____ accidentally called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said “make it quick.” (Mya Sisnice)
____ My inner voices are giving me all sorts of New Year's resolution ideas. No wait.. That's just the dishwasher running. (Jenni More)
____ Whenever I block someone from Facebook, I pretend I'm the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld: "No soup for you!" and then I laugh and laugh. (Toni Daniels)

I will add more later. Hands...cramping...so...badly.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THANKSGIVING FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

2011-11-23T14:29:00.002-06:00

Some of these are old, some of these are new... Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

____ Thanksgiving: That magical time of year when we give thanks that the people we no longer want to be around are no longer around us.
____ This Thanksgiving, here's to the tryptophan kicking in before somebody mentions politics and religion!
____ is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
____ Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. In football, half-time takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
____ is thankful for friends that will inform me of what a good time I had the night before Thanksgiving.
____ Happy Thanksgiving! May all of the turkeys you encounter be on the table.
____ thanks for making me not feel bad, even when I probably should.
____ just told my family that during Thanksgiving dinner this year they're only allowed to communicate with me via Facebook Status updates. I don't think they are pleased. :( (From my FAN PAGE)
____ is thankful that wrinkles don't hurt.
____ Today's Thanksgiving craft: Building a tiny box in my soul to silently scream into during the family gatherings tomorrow. (TIM SIEDELL)
____ This year, we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.
____ Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?
____ Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, even to horribly selfish people who never do it for you.

And a few from my FAN PAGE:

____ If you've never seen a guest pretend to give someone a turkey baster enema before, apparently you've never invited me over for Thanksgiving before. (Jack Olivar)
____ Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you're welcome. (Bob Brittain)
____ "Ooo Ooo... you know what I'm super excited about? THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE!!!!" ~Lame people (Donny Norris)
____ ‎"Only one more day before I'll be elbow deep inside a dead animal's carcass" ~ Thanksgiving stuffing (Jack Olivar)
____ This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Have an EPIC THANKSGIVING!" - me last year when "epic" was cool. (Tim Beavin)
____ What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware. (Rich Stevenson)
____ I'm really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore. (Jack Olivar)

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK:

2011-11-19T19:35:00.001-06:00

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 11/10/11:

2011-11-10T23:30:00.004-06:00

Myspace Fun:
____ Practical joke idea: All of us go back to Myspace for one week, get Tom all excited, and then leave again. (from my FAN PAGE)
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ wishes that Facebook had a "drama of the day" section to refer to in my feed.
____ feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
____ "You're going to develop crushes on lots of sexy and funny people who happen to be married now. With kids." -Facebook.
____ If you write "Happy Birthday" on someone's Facebook wall with no exclamation point, I'm afraid you have no soul. (from my FAN PAGE)
‎____ 50 years from now I will post new status updates from my imaginary phone at the nursing home and laugh and laugh and cry and mumble a bunch of crap about you people.
Booze:
____ Vodka is just amazing water.
____ Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
____ is wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10am on a Monday. I probably don't need a receipt. (from my FAN PAGE)
Love:
____ You know you really love somebody when you despise them a little, too.
Crazies:
____ Try as you might, you can only hide crazy for so long.
Compliments:
____ If you think you're going to get me to like you by complimenting me over and over again, well I have some news for you, buddy! That sh*t works.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Stop by tomorrow for a sampling of the best status updates submitted by my 8100+ fans. Also, become a fan. The people that post on my page are funny, original and VERY twisted. Thanks for reading!

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 11/02/11:

2011-11-02T09:15:00.003-05:00

Humans:
____ I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.
Drinking/Drunk:
____ Hey, inventors, why can't you create something that makes my "day after binge drinking" scent smell less like "hobo"?
____ seems to know a lot of people who like to get drunk & talk about all of the other times they were drunk.
Grammar:
____ On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Exercise:
____ Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don't do that.
Eating:
____ Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Workplace:
____ People at my work are weird. Not as weird as me and my thousands of imaginary MSIB friends, but weird nonetheless.
Nosiness:
____ There are 2 kinds of people I can't stand: Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what in the hell is going on.
Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ Facebook is great because I can make fun of Amish people and they'll never know.
Thursday:
____ Oh, Thursday, you are such a tease.
Pets:
____ My dog's actual speaking voice probably sounds nothing like my impersonation of him.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Here are a few recent ones:

____ That awkward moment when your friend steals your Facebook status update and gets a ton more "likes" than you did. :(
____ Whenever I read a boring status update, I like to silently add "in bed" to the end of it and read it again. Then I laugh and laugh and marvel at my creativity.
____ Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
____ The person you WISH would deactivate their Facebook account is never the one that actually does.
____ It doesn't matter if you have 1 "like" or 100. If you made just ONE person smile today, you're doing it right...

Not good enough for you? My readers post hilarious stuff all day and night. I don't like to tell people what to do, but you should become a FAN. This instant. I mean it.

NEED A FUNNY HALLOWEEN FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE?

2011-10-30T02:18:00.035-05:00

____ If someone REALLY wanted to scare me for Halloween, they would dress up as a port-o-potty. (Lisa James)
____ This Halloween, I have a challenge for every female: Outwhore last year's costume. (Ʊ Lea Jones)
____ If the trick or treaters really want to scare me this year, then they should all dress up as Visa statements. (Nobo Dy)
____ The neighborhood dentist hands out toothbrushes on Halloween, yet the pharmacist around the corner doesn't hand out pills. That's f***ed up man. (Devon Lea Reidy)
____ I was going to be a serial killer this year for Halloween, but that's what I was last year...for Thanksgiving. (Nobo Dy)
____ Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch. (Chris Hallman)
____ You know what I'm gonna be for Halloween this year.... DEPRESSED, just like every other holiday. A**HOLE! (Donny Norris)
____ Anything related to Halloween doesn’t scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising. (Egg Head)
____ When a group of witches, ghosts, ho's, drug dealers and bums show up on my doorstep, I know it must be Halloween, because our family reunion was in July. (Toni Daniels)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the MSIB page. Basically, I'm just going to invite everybody to vomit all over me then start laughing. (Justin John Bernard)
____ This Halloween, I'm dressing up as a large sausage in a beer mug. Personally, I don't get it, but my friend suggested I go as Frankenstein, so whatever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm too broke to buy candy, so I'm putting a sign that reads: "the neighbors and I are giving candy out together, please go there". Then, at her house a sign that reads: "Hey, you said trick-or-treat.... you've been TRICKED!" It's a win, win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Exercise should be more like Trick-or-Treating: Walk twenty feet, get piece of candy, walk thirty feet, get another piece of candy, walk fifteen feet, get a piece of candy... (Juliet Abram)
____ On Halloween, turning tricks is a treat for me. (Arthur Mabry)
____ On Halloween, I love the big smiles the kids have, when I give them each a plastic shopping bag full. I don't know what they will do with the dirty diaper but, my diaper pail is empty now...(Mustache Mann)
____ There are a few people that i would like to take trick or treating on a highway dressed in a deer costume. (Cathy Larson)
____ There are a lot of faces on here I'd like to borrow for my Halloween costume (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ TEN reasons trick or treating is better than making whoopie.
10. You are gauranteed to get something in the sack.
9. If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you are the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. Its okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get you can go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!! (Donna Young)
____ There are gonna be a lot of disappointed trick treaters if they come to my house when they later find a "iou" written on a empty candy wrapper while going through their candy the next day (Tyler Kennedy)
____ This year's "sh!t-bag-on-fire-trick-or-treat" victim: My ex-husband!!! (Pearly Mumum)
____ finally figured out I would just be "Awesome" for Halloween, but I realized I didn't need a costume...just vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. (Dorraj Koob)
____ While trick or treating this year, if another parent asks you "which one is yours" say, "I haven't decided yet" (Justin John Bernard)
____ I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat. (Donny Norris)
____ is it wrong that i will have beer in my coffee cup to keep me warm whilst walking with the kiddos on Halloween? (Rachel Jones)
____ Its close enough to Halloween to decorate with minimal effort. Just throw a dead body in the middle of your yard. (Danielle Gerdes)
____ You know you're trailer trash when the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. (Heather Infantas)
____ This Halloween I am going to put on a white T-shirt and write "Life" on the front of it, then hand out lemons to strangers. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My Halloween costume is just me carrying around a bunch of pamphlets that no one wants to read. I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. (Donny Norris)
____ People are looking so weird today.. I guess I'm gonna call it HalloweeD. (Adam Apple)
____ For Halloween I decided to dress like a ghost. I borrowed my fathers costume. It's got a pointed headpiece and a cross on the chest, but otherwise it's perfect! Downtown Houston Texas here I come! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Remember as a kid for Halloween parties you went bobbing for apples? It doesn't work as well as an adult, when drunk it's more like drowning near fruit. (Jack Olivar)
____ For Halloween I'm gonna be the same thing my dad was for the last 25 Halloweens. The Invisible Man. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm telling all the kids that they'll only get candy if I can kiss their mommy first. (Mustache Mann)
____ Heads up neighbors! If you intend to haul your "baggage" over to my place to beg for handouts on Halloween.....don't be surpised when I send next Friday nights one night stand to your door at 3am to ask if you have any beer...he willing be wearing a cute costume as well. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm handing out baggies of beer caps. It's dark and they sound like change when you toss them in their bag. (Mustache Mann)
____ This Halloween I have a hunch Im gonna be Quasimodo. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm going as J-Lo for Halloween this year. I'm just going to put a box on my butt and say "Place junk candy here: I need more junk for my trunk" (Lisa James)
____ For Halloween, I've decided to hand out all the fruitcakes I've gotten from Christmas over the past 44 yrs. (Mustache Mann)
____ I have a tube of glitter, a stick-on monobrow and the palest, most angst-ridden face you can imagine, so this year, for Halloween, I'm going as a complete and utter twat. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I'm going to be "too soon?"....No, not zombie Steve Jobs, I'm the close friend that has sex with your girlfriend right after you break up. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I can't wait until Halloween is over so I can buy a truck load of Halloween candy for half price and eat all my emotions away. (Nobo Dy)
____ Creaking bones, moaning, creepy laughter, howling, grunting, screaming, the sounds of a heart beat - a Halloween soundtrack? No it’s just a Halloween party at the Senior Center. (Lisa James)
____ I freaking hate Halloween because I have to hide my car behind the house and sit in the dark to hide from all the little bastards that want a hand out. (Donny Norris)
____ The Good: you finally put together your Pamela Anderson costume. The Bad: your husband stole it. And the Ugly: It looks better on him. (Miralda Rangel)
____ Halloween is my favorite night of the year because I am guaranteed to get atleast a little something in the sack. (Tim Beavin)
____ If they tell me to only get one piece of candy, I'm going to yell at the top of my lungs, "I AM HARD OF HEARING!" Then grab as much candy as I can and run away. (Kaytelyn Ann Marie Peralez)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be someone or something they're not. (Nobo Dy)
____ why didn't the skeleton cross the road? (Lisa James)
____ This year for Halloween, I'm going as the Grim Reaper since I'll be trick or treating in a retirement community. (Nobo Dy)
____ Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, shit stains are difficult to get out of sheets. (Rod West)
____ This Halloween, I'm going to walk into a rock bar and scream "Justin Bieber rules, a$$holes!" My Mummy costume will be the coolest ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This Halloween I will dress up as a landscaper! I will be pushing a lawnmower around and use its bag for the candy. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I don't get any trick-or-treaters at my house. See, there's this website... (Dorraj Koob)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you look waaay better in your zombie slut costume than in your "sexy" Friday night outfit. (Miralda Rangel)
____ bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick. (Egg Head)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the "Alcoholic Psycho Mom"...according to my kids, I already have the costume. (Harley Quinn)
____ I'm not dressing up this Halloween. I'm going as a nudist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I am wearing nothing but roller skates and going as a pull toy. (Bob LaForce)
____ This year I'm putting razorblades in apples.. To teach parents to warn their children about razorblades in apples.... I like to do my part to educate both parents and children. (Justin John Bernard)
____ No matter what my costume starts out as for Halloween, it usually ends up the same in the end: Alcohol Poisoning Victim in the ER. (Jack Olivar)
____ This year I'me going to be a one-armed man and hang out in a second hand store. (Adam Apple)
____ Halloween is the one night you can dress up in leather and chains and nobody thinks you're kinky. (Tim Beavin)
____ I'm not sure about in your house, but in my house our Halloween pumpkin carving tradition usually involves 3 things: pumpkins, copious amounts of vodka, trips to the emergency room. (Jack Olivar)
____ There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. (Jimi Anastasio)
____ What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin (Eddie Olsen)
____ I'm going to dress my kids as rolls of toilet paper for Halloween and hope they end up in the neighbor's trees. It could buy me some time to sleep. (Charlie Baker)
____ I'm going to be an MSIB butterfly for Halloween. Its sort of like a social one...just 10 times cooler! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Would like to make some people bob for apples..Except instead of apples use habanero peppers....in hot grease. (Courtney Gonzales)
____ is hoping that this Halloween, I don’t end up with a bag full of restraining orders again. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've finally decided what I'm doing for Halloween. I'm going out trick-or-treating in China Town, and I'm going to scare the sh!t out of anyone that answers the back doors of Chinese restaurants! I'm dressing up as an immigration officer. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You can dress as a sexy nurse or angel for Halloween but you're still going as desperate. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're gonna be a cheap bastard this Halloween and not hand out candy, at least look like you're trying. For example: post a note on your door saying you're on vacation, and that the next door neighbors have agreed to give everyone double the candy to make up for my house. (Tyler Kennedy)
____ Broke as hell...just gonna be a nudist for halloween. (Alex Denney)
____ The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! (Chris Hallman)
____ just went to the liquor store dressed to impress! The cashier asked me which Jersey Shore girl I was dressed up as. I am not dressed up...going home to kill myself. (Chasity Myers)
____ This Halloween I shall be communicating with the spirits. And the liquors. And an incredible number of other alcoholic beverages. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Instead of Halloween candy, this year I'm passing the canned goods I collected for all of the raptures that never happened. (Lee Greenspan)
____ My ex's Halloween costume was delivered to my house by mistake today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a cocksucker again, I see! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best part about Halloween is that people think the screams coming from our house are "part of the fun." (Jimi Anastasio)
____ As a gag for Halloween me and my buddy are gonna meet up at the Honkey Tonk dressed like drag queens. The gag is that I ain't doing it :) (Donny Norris)
____ Damn, it's almost Halloween! I guess I should take my Christmas tree down before the neighbors think I'm lazy. I hate neighbors.... (Mustache Mann)
____ "I'm gonna be a ghost this Halloween!" -Ineffective suicide threat (Nobo Dy)
____ is supposed to dress up as something SCARY for this Halloween party I'm going to tonight, so I'm going as Robin Williams' taint. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I think I just met the man of my dreams. I can't believe there was someone else dressed as "lonely" at this Halloween party. (Toni Daniels)
____ has already run out of Halloween candy.(Dennis Cox)
____ There is always one 12-year-old kid in every group of trick-or-treaters who stands head and shoulders above all the other kids and has an embarrassed look on his face because he doesn't want to be there but HIS DAMN MOTHER CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIM GROWING UP. (Donny Norris)
____ Biggest bummer you'll ever experience in life: Wearing a winter coat over your Halloween costume (Amy Moreno)
____ Does anyone know if we should leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace for Satan on Halloween? (Danny Coleiro)
____ has decided to dress up as the "Creature From The Black Lagoon" this Halloween, but first I need to get off Facebook and look for my costume. Now where in the hell does my mother-in-law keep her shoes? (Dow Jones)
____ A friend of mine asked me why I still wear a mustache, when they are so out of style. I gave her my top 3 reasons. 3. Parents never ask me to babysit. 2. I don't have to dress up for halloween. 1. I'm very skinny so I grew my love handles on my face. (Mustache Mann)
____ Halloween would be the perfect day to cover up a murder in plain sight. Like, carrying a body rolled up in a rug covered in blood... (Jody Cooley)
____ I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but I'd really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for Halloween. (Shafique Khatri)
____ For Halloween, I'm going as a guy drinking beer who no longer cares about his appearance and doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. (Sean Shipley)
____ I can't wait for Tuesday! All the Halloween candy will be off the store shelves and replaced with better tasting Christmas candy! (Tim Beavin)
____ I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity. (Justin John Bernard)

Need more? Click HERE for past Halloween status updates!