My Status Is Baddest

2012-05-15T11:44:00.004-05:00

____ If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I was informed that all my statuses have sexual inuendos or booze in them. If you have a problem with that, I don't care. I'll be getting drunk and having sex. (Lisa James)
____ I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower. (King Julien)
____ I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thingy on here for wrong turns? (Mustache Mann)
____ "Half a dozen" - Because "six" is way too long. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria. (Adam Apple)
____ Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops. (Donny Norris)
____ Don't hump to conclusions just because it's Wednesday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ 0 mutual friends, and you're not even from my country. How the hell did you find me!? (James Baud)
____ I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic. (Jack Wagon)
____ If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have...Oh forget it, I'll count it later. (Shafique Khatri)
____ My wife is so hot. There's no air conditioning in the kitchen. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ Oh you got swag??? I bet that looks great on your welfare application. (Bald Beaver Hunter)

2012-05-09T23:45:00.001-05:00

____ Some people are so self-absorbed that they never stalk anybody.... Sickos (Donny Norris)
____ I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry. (King Julien)
____ Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. (Tim Gauthier)
____ Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 47 minutes now. (Dow Jones)
____ I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( (Lisa James)
____ How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels? (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I never form an opinion about someone until I really get to know them...unless they're a$$holes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like to run up and squeeze in with someone when they are walking through a revolving door. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ buying furniture from this store is not a very good Ikea. (Adam Apple)
____ If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape. (Sean Shipley)
____ Now that I'm drunk, I have the sudden urge to play Operation just to see if I could NOT kill someone. (Dave Murawski)
____ I hate those people who never complete their (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone's taken the appendix out. (King Julien)
____ Everything magically appears when your wife looks for it. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I went running this morning! Yeah, apparently someone left the neighbor's gate opened and their pit bull got out. (Dow Jones)
____ You can tell what sort of a day it's going to be by whether I'm dressed for WalMart or for Target. (Paula Scholl Davis)
____ I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead. (Eric Caro)

____ I don't know why my wife insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit roll-ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... she knows damn well they wont fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box! (Jack Wagon)
____ This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine...Well Latte Da! (Donny Norris)
____ Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. (Jack Olivar)
____ Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money. (Adam Apple)

Mondays suck.

2012-05-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

2012-05-01T01:55:00.000-05:00

____ I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses. (Lisa James)
____ OH, IT'S ON NOW! -me, every time I switch the lights on. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ OMG! Debbie needs building supplies in Farmville and Josh played MOON on Words with Friends, OMG! OMG! OMG! (Donny Norris)
____ 5 push-ups today. Yep...went bra shopping with the wife. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ A wise woman once told me: (Tom Guntorius)
____ If I offer you some of my gummy bears, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you dare take any. (Connie Day)
____ Feel free to steal this status and pass it off as your own anytime! © 18 November, 2011 Danny Coleiro. All rights reserved. Portions of this document may not be reproduced through any means, including, but not limited to, scanning, uploading, reproduction, transmission, and distribution via the Internet or any other means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying or recording in any form, without express permission of the author. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you were really my friend, you would like my statuses, just because we're friends. (Quirky Sally)
____ People like you are the reason people like me take pills. And I'm ok with that. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I don't like the term "stalking"...I prefer the term "aggressively pursuing a hopeful objective" or "collector of dolls made from your hair" (Justin John Bernard)
____ Good morning!!!! Just kidding. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ Men socialize by insulting each other but they really don't mean it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, they don't mean it either. (King Julien)
____ If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard. :/(Donny Norris)
____ Whoever said “Procrastination doesn’t pay” CLEARLY has never seen my average day at work. (Rae Broman)
____ My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!" (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ok, I'm running a test to see who's reading my posts. Haha, no I'm not! I don't care who reads them. (Lisa James)
____...“and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” ~How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me fraternizing with a fellow employee. (Donny Norris)

2012-05-01T01:51:00.002-05:00

____ Mariah Carey doesn't have a TV in her bedroom so she has to watch Nick at night. (Mys ter E)
____ I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. (Sean Shipley)
____ I might put on a brave face, but those dolls with the glassy, blinking eyes freak me the hell out. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. A really hot pig, but still a pig. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Sometimes I make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually profettishing attention to what I'm saying. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I'm watching the rebroadcast of a game I never got to watch live and you tell me the score, I'll kill you. (King Julien)
____ This status is just a bookmark... so I know where I left off reading. (Jack Wagon)
____ The wife thinks I have a drinking problem. I think she has a bitching problem. (Dave Murawski)
____ Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Make no mistake, I am the BOSS in this house! BETTER OFF STAYING SILENT (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes I click my heels 3 times before I shove them up your ass. For good luck. (Lisa James)
____ "Dear God, mama says that you aren't supposed to ask for money. So, if you could send me some gift cards I would be grateful." -my daughters (Carrie Leigh)
____ My mom loves to remind me of that birthday where I ran around in my diaper throwing cake at people. ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR MOM, LET'S MOVE ON. (Gerti Kola)
____ Monkeys probably make really funny faces when eating sour candies, but, thanks to PETA, we may never know. (Eric Caro)
____ My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble. (Mys ter E)
____ 50 bucks says Jack & Diane gets a divorce. (Tom Guntorius)
____ The year is 1786. One man...on one horse...jumps over 14 carriages set on fire. Thus, the legend began for...Medieval Kenevil. (William Hale)
____ Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed. (Lamija Husic)
____ I was given a disciplinary regarding my poor attendance at work. Unfortunately I couldn't make it. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I must learn to accept my own limitations. For example, I cannot dig a hole big enough nor deep enough to bury ALL the bodies. (Carrie Leigh)

2012-05-01T01:47:00.000-05:00

____ This crazy chick figured out all the accounts I was stalking her with. What a psycho!! (Tom Guntorius)
____ The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie? (Donny Norris)
____ Uno gross face. (Just dusting up on my Spanish.) (Lisa James)
____ The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes. (Nobo Dy)
____ Some stupid girl just called me immature which is ridiculous...because I'm 21 and a half. (King Julien)
____ I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?" (Shannon SeeMore)
____ My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead? (Mustache Mann)
____ Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for a good Status. (James Baud)
____ I just found a giant booger under the desk. I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and I will call him George. (Dave Prange)
____ I was invited to a penis recital...WTF? Oh my bad, it's a pianist recital. (Quirky Sally)
____ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command. (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I bet this status is not gonna make it to the blog. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Today I had some ice cream without sprinkles. Diets are brutal. (Jenni More)
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. (Stephanie Manera)
____ is having a screw driver...minus the orange juice. (Chasity Myers)
____ I'm glad you like my post. I just hope you don't try to comment and ruin it. (Ime Anass)
____ If you ever buy a toilette in which the manufacture states you can flush up to 15 golf balls without clogging it up, don't ever try it. That's all I am sayin'. (Beau Diggity)
____ I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option. (Quirky Sally)

2012-04-27T01:33:00.002-05:00

____ Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot? (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I put the o in illiterate (Adam Apple)
____ Making butt shaped meatloaf. (Lisa James)
____ I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me. (Mustache Mann)
____ I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself. (Liam Sullivan)
____ Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence. (Donny Norris)
____ I wrote a book called "How to Pick up Girls." Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. (Eric Caro)
____ Looking at all the posts I make in here, you would never know I have a job. Looking at my paycheck makes me feel the same way (Mys ter E)
____ That was an awesome 2 hour nap! The best part is, I didn't hit a single tree or pedestrian. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I bought a self-help DVD online, called "How to Handle Disappointment". When the package arrived it was empty. (King Julien)
____ when my wife is angry with me, instead of giving me the silent treatment, she just keeps talking. (King Julien)
____ I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry which led to me playing a game of Uno. (Mys ter E)

2012-04-27T01:23:00.000-05:00

____ Giraffe/camel...same thing. Unless you're looking at the toes. (Lisa James)
____ I do what I want, when I want, where I want! As long as my mum says its ok. (King Julien)
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date. (Mustache Mann)
____ I never form an opinion about someone until I really get to know them...unless they're a$$holes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ ITS IRONIC HOW THE COLORS RED, WHITE AND BLUE REPRESENT FREEDOM, UNTIL THEY'RE FLASHING BEHIND YOU. (Erwin Charming)
____ Oh Lord, I've misread the NyQuil bottle again... (Donny Norris)
____ Women are weapons of cash destruction. (Adam Apple)
____ I never say I'm sorry because I don't like to lie. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot. (Toni Daniels)
____ GIVE ME A BEET! ~ Hip hop Chef (Donny Norris)
____ I'm not nodding to say yes about your idea....The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you're an idiot. (Mustache Mann)
____ is it rude to put odor eaters in someones mouth while they're talking? (Lisa James)
____ I wish I cloud proofread my statuses before I post them, but if their ain't no squiggly line under it, I ain't seeing ship. :/ (Lamija Husic)
____ If I’m weird around you, that means I’m comfortable with you. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I consider everyone here at MY STATUS IS BADDEST to be a national treasure to me. Of course I'm eating paste right now. (Eric Caro)
____ Why do people with bad breath always want to tell you secrets? (Shafique Khatri)
____ HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU'RE ADDICTED TO ASKING QUESTIONS? IS THERE SOME SORT OF WEBSITE OR APP TO TEST IT!!? DOES ANYBODY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT? WHY AM I YELLING? (Eric Caro)

2012-04-17T09:25:00.001-05:00

____ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. (James Baud)
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. (Dave Murawski)
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? (King Julien)
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( (Jack Wagon)
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. (Danny Coleiro)
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. (Priscilla Freer Beaulieu)
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it. (Dow Jones)
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
(Sean Shipley)
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans? (James Baud)
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. (Tom Guntorius)

2012-04-16T22:58:00.002-05:00

____ My favorite ingredient in this trail mix is the Xanax. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shoes IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT. (Donny Norris)
____ Where does Wi-fi go when it dissappears? Probably just around the corner laughing at me. (Glenn Jamin)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day on Facebook to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got "likes" from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA! (Shannon Seymour)
____ Feminine sanitation jokes are inappropriate. Period. (Silas Nyaga Sub-Area)
____ I broke up with my treadmill. We're not working out. :( (Melissa Pineiro)
____ I'd jump in front of a train for you. As long as its not moving. (Pooja Pandey)
____ I failed a health and safety test at work today. The question was "What steps would you take if there was a fire?" "Big damn ones" was the wrong answer. (David Gall)
____ Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. (Egg Head)
____ It's called a car alarm but it only wakes me and never wakes the car. (Adam Apple)
____ Admit it! You're just afraid of the like button! (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Darth Vader had a helluva case of emphysema. (Lisa James)
____ I'm sure I'll regret posting this tomorrow. That's why I'm posting it TONIGHT! (Mustache Mann)

2012-04-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

____ If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain then you should move to Puerto Rico cause that's were the drink was invented and it rains like seven months out of the year over there and also I will never have to hear you sing that stupid song again. (Donny Norris)
____ Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you! (Carrie Leigh)
____ "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating. (William Hale)
____ If one more person makes a crappy joke about poop I'm dung with them! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name. (Adam Apple)
____ I never cease to be amazed by the levels of awesomeness I achieve on a daily basis. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ There should be a warning label on Captain Crunch which reads: "WARNING: Will probably f*** the roof of your mouth up." (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ Eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRE alright, I guess (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Mikel Khalil)
____ That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious. (Jason Fundora)
____ "You won’t like me when I’m angry. Becase I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources." – The Credible Hulk (William Hale)
____ The cop asked me for my papers. I gave him my Zig-Zags. I think he prefers Jokers. :{ (Mustache Mann)
____ I have lost my mojo. If anyone finds it, let me know. It's wearing lipgloss, fishnets and smells like JLO perfume. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ When people ask me Plz because it's shorter than please, I tell them no because it's shorter than yes. (Shannon Seymour)

2012-04-13T14:15:00.004-05:00

____ Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it's a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees. (Donny Norris)
____ What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they're NOT adopted? (Mustache Mann)
____ You know how we were raised by television? I dread the day someone tells me they were raised by Facebook. (Fadi BouKaram)
____ I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Love beer = forced to work. (Matt Rogers)
____ I hate when people comment on a status just to comment even though it has nothing to do with the original status. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My ex texted me this morning: "I Miss You Baby." I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a sh*t." (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Sometimes, I lose sleep wondering if I'm one of those "F*ck...here comes that guy" guys. (Eric Caro)
____ These little "hug" juice "barrels" are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp, lets make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice? Let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar. (Dave Murawski)
____ We have Peeps in my country too, only we call them "sugar". (Danny Coleiro)
____ I have a sinking feeling we are gonna see some lame Titanic jokes. (Mys ter E)
____ My mom really doesn't like the idea of me being a stay at home dad. Especially with me not having a wife or any kids. (King Julien)
____ Random fact #1546: Men who help with housework also tend to get laid more often. (Jenni More)
____ I was just informed that some of my posts probably don't make it to this blog because I use too much profanity. I just don't see what the f*** the problem is here! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)

2012-04-11T02:50:00.003-05:00

____ I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words. (Donny Norris)
____ I decided to face reality today. Won't be doing that again in a hurry. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ The ideal man goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble and doesn’t exist. (Quirky Sally)
____ I was SO excited at work when they told me I was chosen for a random drug test! Turns out you shouldn't ask which ones you get to test. :( (Nikki Sholar)
____ Whenever someone asks me for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm starting to think people are having babies solely for the Facebook likes. (James Baud)
____ The highlight of last week: Replacing the creamy middles of several Oreos with Pepsodent & dropping them off in the break room at work. (Eddie Olsen)
____ I'm a very organized person. I plan my day in such a way that I don't have to get up from my couch except for going to the loo and some days not even that. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days. (Mustache Mann)
____ I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work. (Jack Wagon)
____ my New Year's Resolution is to stop making late decisions. (Adam Apple)
____ If I think you're hot and I want to have real and/or imaginary sex with you, I'm going to like your status even if it's stupid. (Kristi Baden)
____ I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I'm sorry...I can't start a status with such ridiculousness. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I hate when someone calls me arrogant. Especially when they're clearly beneath me. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Most women are searching for a man who has a heart of gold...So they can cut it out of him and go hock it. (Donny Norris)
____ Defibrilators should be programmed to play "Kickstart my heart" by Motley Crew when you use them. (Lisa James)

2012-04-11T02:27:00.001-05:00

____ Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I have a dark complexion. It matches my humor and my heart. (Lisa James)
____ Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, "not giving a crap" always get in the way. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ "Like" this on credit and I will post something tomorrow. (Donny Norris)
____ Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web. (Jack Olivar)
____ Hey, people who upload full movies to YouTube, get a life! Also, thank you. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me." (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window. (Donna Hudon)
____ My friends all think I'm hilarious, but they're all potheads so I think that cancels it out. (Justin John Bernard)
____ If a group of necrophiliacs met a group of zombies, who would be chasing who? (Adam Apple)
____ I think we need to bring back the original lawn darts (Jarts, with the steel pointed ends of death). Natural selection isn't always a bad thing. (Mustache Mann)
____ Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today's responsibilities tomorrow's problem. (Jack Wagon)
____ Contrary to popular opinion, all the normal rules of driving still apply in a parking lot. (Carrie Leigh)

2012-04-10T01:12:00.005-05:00

____ None of my friends ask if I want to know what they're thinking anymore. They just blurt it out on Facebook and hope I care. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I just passed a breathalyzer...back to the cop! Like I need THAT to know that I'm drunk. Idiot! (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm sad because my hamster died. Well, he's not "technically" dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn't those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing? (Jack Olivar)
____ Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it. (Mys ter E)
____ My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ 11 airbags? Pretty soon cars will be padded, human sized hampster balls. (Lisa James)
____ Second only to my giant hamster ball for zombie defense is my razor blade hula hoop. (Donny Norris)
____ I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him! (Juliet Abram)
____ The smile on my face doesn't mean my life is perfect. It means I'm way too drunk to change my expression. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, 3/27/12:

2012-03-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

____ Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ if I don't spend any money on anything for the next 3 days...I still won't have any money. :((Lisa James)
____ My wife is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type. (Adam Apple)
____ If a tree falls in the woods, do the other trees make fun of it? (Lisa James)
____ Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Apparently, that HOT guy in my office doesn't realize I am going to CONTINUE giving him the silent treatment until he acknowledges my existence. (Rae Broman)
____ I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me. (William Hale)
____ 3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :( (James Baud)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought a cake...I had a cake....I ate the cake. MYTH busted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Just got done spanking my monkey. HEY, it pooped on the floor! No real Monkeys were injured during the creation of this status. (Mustache Mann)
____ ♪♫All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom♫♪ ~ Hip Hop Terrorists maybe (Jack Olivar)
____ I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think Hotel California was written about Facebook. (Donny Norris)
____ Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class. (Egg Head)
____ Those celery sticks I had for breakfast tasted like a midlife crisis comes A LOT sooner when you drink a fifth every night. (Rae Broman)
____ Ever since I joined MSIB, my speed reading and scrolling abilities have improved. However, my comprehension and giving a sh*t remains the same! (Jack Wagon)
____ My coworker was so clumsy today. This morning he walked into my fist five times. (Adam Apple)
____ I hate when I go to a restaurant and I sit down and my waiter comes over and it's Grover. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm the fsatest tyyeper i9n the worsld. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ When a police officer asks for my insurance I explain that my plan will only cover him/her once we're legally wed. And that we belong together. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Someone at work has been stealing my lunch from the refrigerator. Tomorrow, I'm bringing a cat food sandwich. BON APPETIT MOTHER F*CKER!!! (Eric Caro)
____ I was going to order that P90X workout video today when I thought, "baha.... hahahaha.... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I drank till she was pretty, but I ran out of beer before SHE could do the same. Now I sit. All alone. (Mustache Mann)
____ It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I give the thumbs up ALL THE TIME. (If you replace thumbs with middle fingers) (Lisa James)
____ ever wondered how many weirdos have printed your profile pic, put it in their wallet, and gone around telling everyone you're their girlfriend? (Nikki Sholar)
____ Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later. (David Gall)
____ Why does everybody assume that I play the banjo? I do but DANG! (Donny Norris)
____ I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy. (Lisa James)
____ I always go to work on my birthday... just for the free cake! (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot. (Donny Norris)
____ Today is one of those days where f*ck you. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE! I just kinda sidestep and stroll off whistling with my hands in my pockets. (Donny Norris)
____ I’ve given the finger so many times today, I think it’s stuck in position. That means I'm all set for the rest of the week. :) (Toni Daniels)
____ I love my job as a stone collector...it rocks! (King Julien)
____ Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My best friend is Hilarious! (Well, her name's Hilary, and she's Greek) (Danny Coleiro)
____ I posted a joke on the wall at work and no one liked it. :( (Mys ter E)
____ I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I hate being Bipolar. It's great! (Hollywood Allan)
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ My Optician told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision. (King Julien)
____ You can tell me it was curiosity but I have a feeling it was obesity that killed that fat ass cat. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Want to get a drink?" "Later" "How about now?" "Later.." "Now?" "Later.." "Now?" - If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend. (James Baud)
____ FYI: No, I’m not feeling violent.... I’m feeling creative with weapons. (Sara Lavoie)
____ I think I'm gonna listen to my Seal CD on the way home. Ooooowwa Ooooowwa Ooooowwa!
I taped it at SeaWorld. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm kind of a hipster because I broke my hip way before osteoperosis set in. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I was going through customs at the airport and was asked if I had any drugs. Apparently "what do you need?" was the wrong answer. (Shafique Khatri)
____ My wife keeps nagging me to drive more slowly but I've put my foot down. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So the new Titanic 3D is out? Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time. (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is proof enough that I can function properly after only 4 hours of sleep. (Beau Diggity)
____ Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!? (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I wonder how many people sh*t in sh*ts creek? (Lisa James)
____ I HATE IT WHEN THE POLICE WANT TO ACT LIKE FITNESS INSTRUCTORS AND CHASE ME EVERYWHERE. (Erwin Charming)
____ Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron. (Nikki Sholar)
____ after finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127. (Adam Apple)
____ Women don't poop, they hold it in and it comes out as drama. (Daniel Kilonzo))
____ These mushrooms look suspicious. I'd better eat ALL of them. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ Waiting for my favorite day of the week... Weedsnesday. (Mignonette Pola Bukid)
____ Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze? (Quirky Sally)
____ I only have two rules 1) Never forget. and 2) .... Uhm... Dammit! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I have all the money I WILL EVER NEED - - - - if I die by 5:30pm today. (Sara Lavoie)
____ People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The zoo is a safe place to fart. (Tex Hester)
____ Sometimes I post stuff for the funny comments (Mys ter E)
____ As I handed my mother her 50th birthday card, she said, "One would have done." (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ If a "g" falls in the woods, he would probably get all caught up in his gold chains and never make it out. (Lisa James)
____ "I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman" -Steve Jobs in the 80's. (James Baud)
____ My dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Today is my Tuesday. (Donny Norris)
____ "APRIL FOOLS!!!" - Mark Zuckerburg, about the new Timeline...probably not... (Eric Caro)
____ THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ. (Donny Norris)
____ Who else here is a master baiter? Yeah, I enjoy fishing too. (Stephanie Manera)
____ There once was a fellow who was kinda mellow, He sat on his couch and facebooked. His wife didn't like it, took his Ipad and spiked it. Thank God he still has his nook. (Donny Norris)
____ NAKED LADY WALKING RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF 7TH!! And that's how I got the last 2 donuts. (Donny Norris)
____ Doctors advised Willie Nelson that having his deviated septum fixed would ruin his career... (Donny Norris)
____ My name is Daniel, not that anyone cares. (Daniel Ngwane)
____ What if I only want half the shebang? wtf. (Lisa James)
____ High mai naym is Miz.Speld. I'll bee yore teechur tooday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I had a dream that I was the bottom of a vodka bottle. (Mys ter E)
____ Ok guys I just finished my lunch so now I'm off to work...on a new status idea! (King Julien)
____ Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds, huh? (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I need a major attitude adjustment.. and I think I just found it in this bong. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board. (Sean Shipley)
____ I'm pretty jealous of strippers because having their periods is a legitimate excuse to not come in to work. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. (Wendy Whalen)
____ Me. Stalk? No,I just observe....behind a tree....at night.... In the rain. (David Gall)

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, 3/24/12:

2012-03-25T23:13:00.001-05:00

____ just realized that you can "like" that someone was born on the timeline. I found all my ex's and commented Boo! (Lisa James)
____ I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any. (Mustache Mann)
____ Once upon a time... I had a life. The end. (Jack Wagon)
____ Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The person whose status is below mine is a Douchebag. Oh Crap! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Like this if you're asleep. (Adam Apple)
____ Some see the glass as half full, some as half empty. I just use shot glasses. Less complication and they're only either full or empty. No optimism or pessimism. (Carrie Leigh)
____ Are you trying to call me dyslexic you dirty piece of this? (King Julien)
____ I hate it when my "Cool Hand Luke" or Princess Bride" or "Holy Grail" or "Blues Brothers" or "The Jerk" references are lost on people :( Where are you from??? Mars? (Donny Norris)
____ The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth. (Carrie Leigh)
____ The person whose status is above mine is so Awesome!! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start. (Eric Caro)
____ Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it? (Adam Apple)
____ What used to take under 5 minutes to use the bathroom.. now takes no less than 20. Thank you, MSIB. (Toni Daniels)
____ You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a PDA but you'd swap them all for a working lightsaber. (James Baud)
____ I remember the feeling of invincibility and empowerment I felt as I marched into battle along side my friends to protect our turf. We were prepared to do battle with the encroaching enemy and were ready for anything except we didn't know that they had brought adults with them to do their dirty work so we ran our asses off and narrowly escaped. True Story (Donny Norris)
____ You never know who your real friends are until you post something that is not funny. (Mys ter E)
____ Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days. (Jack Wagon)
____ Facebook~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. (Rae Broman)
____ What's blue and rectangular? An apple in disguise. (Adam Apple)
____ I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Some immature dude kept throwing popcorn at everybody in the theater.. I must say that my aim is still spot on. (Donny Norris)
____ I scratch my head when I read your statuses. This head lice is killing me. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I never talk sh*t about my friends. Thats why I delete you first. (Mys ter E)
____ People who have a cartoon character for a profile picture are so sketchy (Mys ter E)
____ Don't be mean to me. It's Saturday. (Donny Norris)
____ Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street. (Eric Jacques)
____ I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine. (Marc Cloke)
____ I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn. I spent roughly 7000 dollars. (Quirky Sally)
____ My GPS showed I was going to MSIB. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there. (Dotty Joyner)
____ I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night worrying about it. (Gary Hensley)
____ My morning ab workout... usually consists of me hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock. (Jack Wagon)
____ I can't come up with a status so I think I'll strip off my clothes, run outside and give my neighbors something to talk about. (Quirky Sally)
____ So which way is this handle on my life supposed to go anyway? (Jack Wagon)
____ Why do i have to clean my room if we're having guests for dinner? Its not like we're having dinner in my room? (Pooja Pandey)
____ Hi... can I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye with it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I decided to free my mind. Unfortunately it's not coming back. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ My life's going to change drastically. After December 21st. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks. (Alice Kips)
____ I miss the days when you could solve your problems with Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Henceforth I shall be ending all my status's with the words "true story" because I like those words. True story. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy. (He Dis)
____ Wondering why Google hasn't changed its icon for my birthday yet. (Amanda Elizabeth)
____ The primary function of a necktie is to show the direction of a man's brain. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ A really funny thing happened to me today. Wait, no, nothing funny happened at all. I sat on the couch all day with the hangover from hell feeling sorry for myself. True story. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ ”what the f*ck is this sh*t!?” - me watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" with my niece. (Shaunna Shurtliff)

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FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, 3/23/12:

2012-03-24T23:49:00.001-05:00

____ My "Dream Job" is sleeping. (Adam Apple)
____ When children shy away, I say, "I don't bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and
bite them hard. They need to understand life's not easy. (Rajat Behl)
____ You look as HOT as the last time I saw you! ~ Me, stumbling past the mirror in the mens room at a bar. (Mustache Mann)
____ All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan! (Carrie Leigh)
____ I bought a Time Machine! Ok, I bought a Watch (Adam Apple)
____ My neighbor is a douche. A great big douche. Not just a regular kind of douche. He is some sort of mutant mega-douche. He is the douchiest douche in the history of douches. Okay, sorry... carry on. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I think I would pretty good at naming things. I already came up with "Caramel Toe" as the best name for edible underwear. (Jack Olivar)
____ I hope I look as good as Steven Tyler does when I've been dead for two years. (Rajat Behl)
____ I can't afford a bigger TV so I moved the chair closer to the one I already have (Adam Apple)
____ I am just speechless!!! I mean that I have nothing to say. I can't think of even one word. NOT EVEN ONE WORD to post. I don't know what to write, to type. Nothing to express. I mean nothing have I got to say. Not anything comes to mind to post about. It is weird that I don't know what to post so I guess I won't post anything cause I can't think of anything to post about, I have no comments, nothing. (Donny Norris)
____ After a night of drinking, there's one thing I can't stand... & that's up. (Dotty Joyner)
____ Someone just called me uneducated. WTF does that even mean? (Mys ter E)
____ The Days of Good English are went. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm usually on the outside looking in because, you know, restraining orders. (Jack Olivar)
____ Sharing is Caring. Which must be why I don't share. (Lisa James)
____ I've just heard that there is a cure for dyslexia. It's like music to my arse. (King Julien)
____ Sometimes when I'm drunk and I accidentally run, stumble and go crashing through my neighbor's fence, I scream "Oh Yeah!" just before hitting the ground like I was purposely imitating the Kool-Aid Man....but usually it's too late and I end up just looking like an idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ <---THIS chick takes Vodka shots...NOT joke requests. Unless you are offering up Vodka in return. And you don't mind crappy jokes. (Rae Broman)
____ If I delivered babies I would so use the disappearing magic scarf trick. (Lisa James)
____ "People you may know". Hahaha, I don't even know half the people on my friends list. (Lisa James)
____ "I LIKE BIG WORDS AND I CANNOT LIE" - Sir Sesquipedalian Mix A Lot. (Eric Caro)
____ Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Do you ever wonder how some people survive? (Beau Diggity)
____ My Imaginary Girlfriend dumped me. (Adam Apple)
____ Just had lunch and polished off a nice bowl of soup, except it wasn't soup, it was beer and it wasn't a bowl, it was a 12 pack. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My neighbor seems like a decent guy. We spoke once and have waved at each other on several occasions. (Donny Norris)
____ I don't get all the hype. I just finished reading Hunger Games...worst diet book ever. (Jack Olivar)
____ I intensely abominate sesquipedalian people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to collect empty bottles (Adam Apple)
____ I just finished off the last of the Valentine's Day candy...from 2008. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ No Facebook, I do not want to poke that person back. However, if you can give me the option to bitch slap them, please let me know! (Little Foot)
____ "Stop, collaborate and listen." ~ Vanilla Ice if he was a mediator (Jack Olivar)
____ I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm not saying I'm messy, but if there's an opposite of O.C.D, I probably have that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants. (Beau Diggity)
____ I wanna be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why? Because then in the future, some archaeologist is going to have one awesome day at work. (Carrie Leigh)
____ Putting a Hershey's Kiss in your chair is as close as I will get to kissing your ass (Nikki Sholar)
____ "Oldie and a goodie" - gerontophile, probably. (look it up) (Eric Caro)
____ My status is so bad, it got arrested. (Juliet Abram)
____ I hate that 3-second lap dance you get at the movie theater when somebody walks by. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I’m writing a book that I will call "Girls don't fart and other myths I wish I still believed in” (Adam Apple)
____ "WE DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE WOMEN'S PRIVATES?" - Beavers, probably. (Eric Caro)
____ Just passed a guy wearing a "#1 Dad" T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the hell? (Jared Peick)
____ Just gave my cell phone some CPR. Because it was dying. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Why can't people let stuff go? I mean, wear Velcro stripper pants once to work and you're forever known as the "pants guy" apparently. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed." (Quirky Sally)
____ I bet nothing pisses a cop off more than a car driving the speed limit right in front of them (Glenn Jamin)
____ I have unlimited data on my phone so I can post random stuff when I am bored. But later when no one is looking I remove it so I dont appear stupid. Sometimes I forget and thats what you are reading now. But if I took it down already you are looking at a blank space. (Mys ter E)
____ I'm not an aggressive driver. I prefer "queen of strategic vehicular maneuvers." (Carol Kearney Block)
____ I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶. Screw you, yes I can. :p (Shafique Khatri)
____ While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors. (Beau Diggity)
____ We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.” (Marc Cloke)
____ You know its time to call it a night when you misread comments and post something that has nothing to do with the status. (Dave Murawski)
____ You moron, don't you have any feelings for me? ~ my liver, to me. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I never quite understood the adage "Kill two birds with one stone." Was there a time in history with a surplus of birds and a shortage of stones? (Jack Olivar)
____ A great way to deal with stress at work is to get up and take a nice walk or bash a coworker with an office chair. (Sean Shipley)
____ Stop already with the elderly jokes. They're getting old. (Mike Titone)
____ ME: "Siri, what movie is playing at Clark Cinema?" SIRI: "Is he playing park with your enema? Is this correct?" Ehhh, close enough. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I hate waking up at Walmart. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Wisdom doesn't always come with age. Sometimes age just shows up by itself. (Dotty Joyner)
____ What's the appropriate amount of time before I start farting in front of the new boyfriend? (Chasity Myers)
____ Do you think Bruce Springsteen calls his kids "Steenagers"? Please say yes. (He Dis)
____ Went to check on my nest egg and it just coughed up a bunch of smoke. (Lisa James)
____ If I actually thought before I updated my status I'd have a total of two statuses. (He Dis)
____ After a marathon of watching Dexter, CSI, Law and Order, and Criminal Masterminds I'm pretty sure I could kill you 50 different ways and make it look like an accident. (Justin Sayson)

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS:

2012-03-14T01:20:00.000-05:00

I'm continuing a series of Facebook status updates that my readers have contributed over the last year. It's been great to see that so many of these have been used all over the internet since they originated HERE, at My Status Is Baddest. I have an amazing FAN PAGE with hundreds of new status updates a day! Sure, there are other Facebook Status update websites out there, but I dare you to find one with more originality.

____ One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. (Chris Hallman)
____ Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window. (Donna Hudon)
____ True love is giving your spouse a bite of your sandwich...just a little bite though. (Donny Norris)
____ I was staring through my window and thinking to myself, "why am I watching my dog take a crap?". Then I read some Facebook friends' statuses, and I ran back to see if I could catch her finishing up. (Mustache Mann)
____ You know how we were raised by television? I dread the day someone's gonna tell me they were raised by Facebook. (Fadi BouKaram)
____ I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Love beer = forced to work. (Matt Rogers)
____ Love walking up to random women in the mall and saying, "Sorry but it would never work between us." (Donny Norris)
____ Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. (Danny Edenfield)
____ can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRREEE alright, I guess (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Mikel Khalil)
____ That awkward moment when u post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious. (Jason Fundora)
____ Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says:

8 minutes ago via iPad2 (William Hale)
____ My hangovers feel like someone is screaming at me in German. (Mike Seriously)
____ I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract. (Jacob Grant)
____ I went to fill out an application today. When I got to: "position applying for", I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and an "LOL". I think I NAILED it!! (Mustache Mann)
____ My boyfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, he’s not exactly my boyfriend yet. (Donna Young)
____ Mental note: Actual notes work better. (Makyra Nunes)
____ Sometimes when I post something I'll give it a "like" myself. You know, just to get the ball rolling. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you, too, suspect that you might be a man. (Donna Hudon)
___ I bet all the cool math nerds call each other “Alge-bros.” (William Hale)
____ My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the booze at home. (Lisa James)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day on Facebook to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got "likes" from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. (Jad Bou Karam)

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS:

2012-03-13T11:50:00.001-05:00

I'm continuing a series of Facebook status updates that my readers have contributed over the last year. It's been great to see that so many of these have been used all over the internet since they originated HERE, at My Status Is Baddest. I have an amazing FAN PAGE with hundreds of new status updates a day! Sure, there are other Facebook Status update websites out there, but I dare you to find one with more originality.

____ The nice thing about Facebook is that people can't see me constantly rolling my eyes. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If someone flirts with you in the daytime it counts double. (Adam Apple)
____ Does anyone know how to make stapling someone's face to their desk look like an accident??? (Mike Seriously)
____ I wish Facebook had a "Remember when you were skinny in high school but now you're FAT, LOL" button (Leilani Christi)
____ About a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee. (Adam Apple)
____ I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and sheer lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time. (Mustache Mann)
____ I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night. (Rae Broman)
____ My goldfish has been planking since last Thursday. (Jenniffer Diane Sassano)
____ I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ The way to a man's heart is through low self esteem. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled. (Chris Hallman)
____ If I were rich, I'd hire someone whose sole responsibility was to stand at tops of stairwells and high five me when I got to the top. (Leilani Christi)
____ I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van. (Rae Broman)
____ My friend wants a fairy tale wedding, so I’m going to poison her. I hope that’s what she meant. (Street Slim)
____ My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill. (Mike Seriously)
____ My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumbass, I can still see him. (Rae Broman)
____ Forget Viagara, I need a pill that makes my wife like me for four hours. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I call the black licorice flavored jelly beans "disappointment". (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you leave me a message saying "call me when you have a minute" I can guarantee you I will be busy for the rest of the day. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ghetto Winnie the pooh says "Tigger, please". (Mike Seriously)
____ If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" (Chris Hallman)
____ My co-worker accidentally drank from my Starbucks cup and said "your coffee tastes like BEER". (Mustache Mann)
____ I finished reading 'The Neverending Story' last night, so myth busted, I guess. (Justin John Bernard)
____ My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know their privacy settings are working properly. (Josiane Be)
____ Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets. (Yuri Bee)

MORE OF THE BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM THE LAST YEAR:

2012-03-01T12:17:00.002-06:00

For the next few days, I'm publishing a bunch of status updates from my Fan Page, written within the last 12 months. Enjoy!

____ I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their Mom's bad driving. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I get out of my car a lot faster now that I've made Fran Drescher the voice on my GPS. (Jacob Grant)
____ This beer just accepted my friend request! (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield. (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes I call the cops on myself just so my neighbours will think the party I'm throwing is awesome. (Donny Norris)
____ Age 22 isn't when you become a woman. You become a woman when people fall out of your vagina and step on your dreams. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ If you see someone jogging past 9 p.m, they just killed a person. (Mike Seriously)
____ I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ they're called skinny jeans, not MAKE you skinny jeans!!! (Carrie Danley)
____ is at the DMV. Now I know where "those" people go when they're NOT at Wal-Mart. (Mustache Mann)
____ How to stop SNORING: place pillow tightly over partners face hold til snoring stops, then delete this message. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you? (Adam Apple)

____ High 5’s are a great way to slap someone in the face by “accident”. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me... (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme doughnut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces. (Donny Norris)
____ ♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I’m linking to you… Log on. ♫ (William Hale)
____ Do not raise your voice. Improve your argument. (Apple Grace Alcantara)
____ If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion. (Mike Foster)
____ I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. (Jennifer Gordon)
____ There's a movie I'm going to be forced to see. I won't say which one, but it looks like a real piece of smurf. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm so pissed right now! I'm about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please... (William Hale)
____ Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer (Apple Grace Alcantara)
____ Talking to yourself is completely normal. Arguing with yourself is also completely normal. However, if you lose the argument, then you need serious help. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)

More to come! Join the fun on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE!

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FAN PAGE:

2012-03-01T00:16:00.001-06:00

This is an exciting day for My Status Is Baddest! I have figured out how to randomly select Facebook Fan Page status updates with more than 3 "likes" from the moment my Fan Page started last January! What does this mean? It means a trip down MSIB lane for all of us. Prepare for at least 1000 status updates over the next few days! Thanks everybody!

____ I can be as co-dependent as you want me to be. (Samgirl Sunday)
____ As soon as I learn how to un-read stuff, I'll be able to sleep. (Mustache Mann)
____ Two things I am thankful for- 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I think Sudoku is Japanese for DAMMIT! (Donny Norris)
____ If I knew karate, I would go all ninja on ya and chop you to pieces with my bare hands. But I don't, so carry on. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My death bed confession is going to be epic. (Donny Norris)
____ I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie. (William Hale)
____ I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not. (Rae Broman)
____ Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts. (Donny Norris)
____ On my treadmill sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight. (Adam Apple)
____ My trainer must be so happy with my fitness level because he said I'm getting atrophy... I've never been given an award before! (Mya Sisnice)
____ Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs! (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I ran 5 miles today. No I didn't. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change. (Donny Norris)
____ Facebook gives me a chance to have meaningful conversations with my friends. Only when there's an awkward silence, I can walk away and go make myself a snack. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I really don't see the need for pants for the rest of this day. (Toni Daniels)
____ I got up this morning and thought about going for a nice long run, then I started laughing and laughing, cuz....I don't do that. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I got tired of people stealing my lunch at work, so I put my beer in a Dr. Pepper 12 pack box. (Mustache Mann)
____ Did you see the new internet Barbie? It looks like a middle-aged fat guy. (Adam Apple)
____ It must be so much easier to be a drunk if you have a catheter. (Lisa James)
____ I don't know why people make such a big deal about me drinking alcohol in a taxi. I just wish they would sit there and shut up until I drop them off. (Tom Guntorius)
____ isn't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys. (Jack Olivar)
____ There's a time and place for sarcasm, and this is it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I always conduct myself in a calm and rational manner because you never know when the space aliens or government are recording you. (Donny Norris)
____ You had me at "what's a restraining order?" (Mustache Mann)
____ anyone who doesn't like Family Guy, step forward because we can't be friends. (Lisa James)
____ I sometimes wish the internet would run out of ink....(Mustache Mann)
____ I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. (Adam Apple)
____ There are so many maggots in my garbage, it can probably take itself out. (Nobo Dy)
____ They have security settings on facebook. Now all they need is an insecurity setting and you'll be all set. (Lisa James)
____ You guys need to stop holding secret meetings about my paranoia!!! (Mike Seriously)
____ I once told a joke so bad that the crickets didn't even chirp. (Donny Norris)
____ Everytime you post a picture on Facebook, I'm judging your furniture. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ Me and the wife have finally decided we don't want any more kids, so if anyone does we can drop them off tomorrow. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I went in Ancestry.com and traced my lineage back to Wales. This explains my echolocation abilities. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm terming a new word. "Askhole"- A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them! (Carrie Leigh)

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, PART 2, 2/24/12:

2012-02-25T19:05:00.009-06:00

____ Is it wrong to hate a certain RACE? I like 5k races but my team is starting 10k races which I don't like very much. (Basti Agustin)
____ There's a bloodmobile in town and I'll be going down tonight to donate a pint. They have some new guy in charge? His name is Dr. Acula or something like that. (Cary Conrad)
____ There is always that one person in gym class who thinks they're in the Olympics. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ One day, we will all live in the future. (Teresa Whitaker)
____ my wallet is like an onion, everytime i open it-- I cry. (Pamela Nichole DiGruccio)
____ I've noticed the drunker us women get, the more we want to sing song hits from the 80's (Shannon Seymour)
____ "I don't even have a glass." - a true pessimist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you try to tell me why your candidate is the best, I switch parties regardless who you like just because I like to argue sometimes. (Beau Diggity)
____ Went to a fancy dress party as Humpty Dumpty last night. Got smashed. (Hollywood Allan)

____ Hates the terrifying moment when your cat or dog walks into the room, stares at something you can't see, and then runs away in a panic :/ (Gary Hensley)
____ I've been informed that Facebook plans to ban naughty language and near nude or rude photos in the near future. So as a test, ****, *****, Mother *****, Eat **** and Die! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Dora has taught me just enough Spanish, to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Since starting my new 'hot cake' business, I have come to the conclusion that the expression "selling like hot cakes" doesn't mean what I thought it did. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door. (Cedric Stanley)
____ Am I the only one who has a ghost whispering in their ear that it's time to start drinking? (Jack Olivar)
____ I hate it when you use words that even Google can't find. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I think we all have that same look on our face when the neighbor catches us peeing in their backyard. (Cary Conrad)
____ Sometimes I shave one of my legs so that when i go to bed it feels like im sleeping next to a woman. (Clint Dempsey)
____ Have you ever womdered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack? (Eddie Olsen)
____ The wife said I dont agree with anything she says. I find that hard to believe. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just saw a group of Nuns trying to figure out a parking meter, I know there's a joke in there somewhere but I'll have to get back to you. (Glenn Jamin)
____ When someone on my friend list pisses me off, I like to delete the hell out of them, and then request them as a friend again, send them a message saying: "I'm sorry, I have no idea how you got deleted." When they accept again, I delete the hell out of them again and send them a message saying; "bahahaha bahahaha!" That's the way I roll. (Dow Jones)
____ Damn, I'm hungry. Anybody have some spare bacon? I'll pay you on Tuesday for some bacon today. (Henry Andelmo)
____ I hate it when people use this space to talk about how they hate something. Like this post. This is exactly what I'm talking about! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. (Clint Dempsey)
____ Damn, got up too late to go the gym again. That makes 12 years in a row now. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Sad Mustache Mann :-{( (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ Park and ride sucks, waddaya mean no beer on the bus? (Beau Diggity)
____ Sure...I'd be happy to not like that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I like to log into Facebook and leave a status just to show I'm here. Or am I? (Juliet Rockspin)

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK:

2012-02-25T19:01:00.000-06:00

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FACEBOOK FANS, PART 1, 2/24/12:

2012-02-25T18:35:00.001-06:00

____ I bet Superman has got lot of shirts with ruined buttons. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The Oscar buzz this year is around "The Artist," a silent movie. Not to be confused with "The Fartist," a silent but deadly movie. (William Hale)
____ I'm not racist! I can barely run 30 feet! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Dear Campbells: The first step to happiness sure as hell aint soup! (Lisa James)
____ You know how Facebook has been showing you notifications of "likes" and "comments", but you don't see them? That's just ME "liking" and "commenting" then deleting them. It's the little things that make my life complete. (Mustache Mann)
____ Dammit, that's the last time I open the fridge before knocking. Who knew there was a salad dressing? (Jack Olivar)
____ I have been drinking so much alcohol lately, a bottle of water is now opened only on special occasions. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If Europe uses Euros, shouldn't Africa use Afros? (William Hale)
____ In the supermarket parking lot today I saw a runaway grocery cart bump into and total a smart car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ Don't let anyone's hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the a$$hole you strive to be (Tom Guntorius)
____ Fluorescent colored clothing is coming back in style. Now how am I going to know who's gay? (Lisa James)
____ And, lo, The Lord sayeth unto them, "The checking of oneself shall prevent the wrecking of oneself." - Ice Cube 3:16 (William Hale)
____ Laugh and the world laughs with you, continue laughing and the world kind of trails off to silence, continue laughing further and they start looking at you with concern and backing away slowly. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills. (Toni Daniels)
____ WANTED: SINGLE GIRL. Able To Cook, Love and has a Job, Must Have house & car. Please send picture of HOUSE & CAR. (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Whenever someone has a problem with me I always tell them to write it down nicely on a piece of paper, fold it up really nice and neat, put it in an envelope, and shove it up their a$$. (Gary Hensley)
____ Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let's spend the night together" or am I reading too much into this? (Rhoda Noland)
____ I'd like to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years. (Gwen Masterson)
____ The best napkin in the world is my couch. (Adam Apple)
____ I have trouble falling asleep, so I wrap myself in my blankets like a burrito, but that only makes me hungry. So I get up for a snack. Then I wake up with my head resting on a bag of Funyuns, and I have no idea how I got there. And that's why I hate mornings. (Juliet Rockspin)
Daniels)
____ If you don't work and put, "Yay, it's Friday!" or "TGIF!" As your status update; I will find you and bitch slap you with the other end of my business arm. (Dow Jones)
____ Hair salons make me sad. I keep thinking of all the people who dyed there. (Juliet Rockspin)