1:24 PM

So I haven’t written in a while. This is partly out of choice and partly out of lack of time, energy, etc.

It has also been a while since I have attended a meeting, either face to face or online. This again is partly out of choice and partly out of lack of time, energy, etc.

I don’t know what it is, but the last, almost month have been a horrific busy and horrific calm. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But it seems like things have been so busy and out of control that I have almost shut down when dealing with them and it becomes eerily calm. Or, things have been so calm, that I am scared that they will become out of control.

On top of that, the last two weeks, I haven’t felt good. I just feel off. I feel constantly tired, have lack of energy, have been having headaches almost every day, my body hurts places it shouldn’t hurt, and I have been cycling through cold and flu like symptoms. It is weird.

Maybe the “stress” is making me sick, maybe the sick is making me stress. The question is how to break the cycle. My sponsor in Al-Anon, if I had one, would tell me to get back to my meetings, that I can find calm and peace there. I think that this would be a good start, but am not sure if I am ready to, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. I need to feel un-tired. I need to feel like I have accomplished something – off of my really long to do list – so I can relax and feel like I can afford the time to go to a meeting.

What ever I do, I need to do quickly, it is already the middle of November, that means Thanksgiving is right around the corner, then my busy period at SWIC, then even though I will have some time off shortly after that, I will have to spend that time prepping for next semester and figuring out how I will make ends meet during that time, especially figuring out how I’m gonna do Christmas without much income.

Maybe tonight, and this weekend, I can finally kick what ever this is, catch up on sleep and some to dos and get back into the swing of things.

Ok, I know I haven’t written in over a week, but things have been kind of hectic and I really haven’t been in the mood.

I also have an over a weeks worth of reading/reflecting to catch up on.

My plan is to work on some of it tonight. But, I have this feeling that it won’t happen. I am just not feeling that good, today and the kids at school today have just been way too loud and have driven my nuts today.

Besides, I am back to teaching night classes again, and I think I will be dead tired when I get home. Hopefully I can try to catch up soon, because I am just getting farther and father behind.

So I have some reading to catch up on. But, I think I will wait until tomorrow night. I am really not in the mood.

I am really not in the mood for anything. I feel like crap. Not crap in the since that I am sick, but emotional crap.

The BBQ that I had been planning sucked. After I spend 3 days cleaning the house, mowing the yard, grocery chopping, borrowing furniture from my parents, lack of sleep trying to make sure everything as perfect, spending too much money, getting cleaned up, locking up the pets, etc., etc., etc. . . . NO ONE SHOWED UP!

I could swear I told everyone 6 – 6:30, By quarter to 8, I cooked Sam and I a hamburger, and then cleaned up the mess, and am ready for bed.

I feel like such a looser. I don’t understand why no one showed up, I feel ridiculous.

And I don’t understand why. What is wrong with me that no one wants to come over and spend time with me, and when I was providing the beer? Why? Obviously there has to be something wrong with me. It is the only way to explain why no one showed up tonight, why Adam often doesn’t want to se spend time with me, why me and Angie don’t get along, why I don’t feel like I fit in with my own family, why Candice would stand me up, why Corey would stand me up, why I can’t seem to keep a good friend, why I can’t seem to keep a boyfriend.

It has to be me!

So, this morning, I slept in, it felt good, except for the fact that I feel guilty because I have so much stuff I have to get accomplished.  I just finished breakfast, and I have about 45 minutes left before I need to start getting ready.  I think I am going to use this time to make a list, so that I remember to do / get everything for the BBQ this weekend.

While eating breakfast I caught up on reading some e-mail, etc., I also took some e-mails sent to me from a friend in which she comments on specific entries of my blog and posted them as comments.  I now have comments on my blog, I am exciting, but I feel a little silly, because I posted them.  But, this way, if there is anyone reading my blog, maybe they will want to post a comment now that someone else already has.

Well, I’m off to make that list.

My parents returned my mattress and brought me some tables and chairs for the BBQ this morning. During the conversation my dad told ma about a potential summer job. It sounds interesting but a little odd. I guess I will have to make a few phone calls to find out more. But, it could mean spending next summer abroad teaching in war torn country but with the opportunity to make some decent money – I hope/think – and see Europe.

After work I had these plans to get things in order for the BBQ. But, it didn’t happen. By 6:00 I felt exhausted and still do. I guess I will make a really good list in the morning, so that I can everything done in time.

Ok, let’s see if I can get caught up with reading. I left off on Sunday, so I need to start with Monday.

Monday’s entry in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (B-6) is about finding the right group. That at any time I can shop around for the right group. I think the group I am I, is the right group, but since it is the only one I know, I don’t know. But, I feel comfortable, I feel like I belong.

Monday’s entry in Courage to Change (B-16) is about service within the group and how it can help us as well as a newcomer. I have not had a chance to serve within the group, but I am still new. I know I will want to, in fact, I have seen something about teacher/school resources online and thought I would check it out, maybe I can help outside my group and help within a school, maybe my school. I know that my students have problems with alcohol, either a parent/guardian or themselves.

Monday’s entry in Hope for Today (B-26) is again about service work and how it can improve our self esteem and in our own recovery. As I mentioned before I am interested in provided service. But, I am finding that just attending the meetings is helping with my self-esteem. I find myself more willing to be able to take risk. Although I have given up on Rodney, I feel like the right one may be around the corner and I would be really for it to work, and capable of having it work. Or for example, I doubt it will happen, but he idea of spending the supper in Europe, ha me intrigued rather than scared and I am already planning, thinking through hat I would have to do rather than just dismissing it.

Tuesday’s entry in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (B6) is about the responsibility and benefit to both of being a sponsor. I have yet to find a sponsor, but I have only been going to the meetings for a short time. In fact, this Friday will be my one month anniversary. Or is it, I am pretty sure it is, but it doesn’t seem like it. But, I went to my first meeting the Friday after my niece’s birthday and this Saturday will be a month, since her birthday, but if I went the Friday after than I would be a week behind, so it would need to be a week more, but this Friday will be my 4^th meeting. Now I have myself confused. I am gonna have to break out the calendar.

Ok, I checked the calendar and this Friday will be my fourth meeting, but my 1^st 30 days would be the 15^th of October.

Tuesday’s entry in Courage to Change (B-16) is about compassion and often we find ourselves not treating the alcoholic with compassion. I find I do, to the point that I hinder them in their potential recovery. I don’t yell, scream, throw things, rather I listen and help and protect, and enabling them so they have no reason to get better.

Tuesday’s entry in Hope for Today (B-26) is about feeling as if you don’t fit in, even with your own family. I have never really felt like I have fit in. In school, I was a “nerd” but not, I wanted to fit in and joined clubs, but didn’t feel like I fit in there either. In college, the same. My jobs the same, and even with my own family. Some of this not fitting in comes from alcoholism, and some from other sources / reasons. But as I have said before I felt right, comfortable, like I belonged that first night at Al-Anon.

Ok, now on to today’s entries so I can be caught up, until this weekend, when I will fall behind again. Wait I guess I shouldn’t say that because then it will happen.

Today’s entry in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (B-6) is about only accepting blame for our actions and faults not the faults and actions of others. This is hard to do when they blame you as they attack you with the problems. I have always taken on everyone else’s problems and have hard time saying no.

Today’s entry in Courage to Change (B-16) is about the common bond that the members of the group have. That dispute our differences, we have so much in common as well and these commonalties can help everyone through sharing our stories and our support of each other, we all heal and bond even more.

Today’s entry in Hope For Today (B-26) is about having the courage to change, that it may be scary but with small steps, faith, trust, etc., things can get better. Having courage is something that I don’t always have, but am finding it easier.

10:18 PM

Ok, before to long, I am going to have a talk with my cousin. I know I shouldn’t let the little things bother me, but all the little things add up and now that I am not trying to take care of hi, I feel he should be taking more responsibility.

This evening, I learned that he finished off my milk, took my thermometer into his room, and didn’t finish his laundry. When I asked him about the later two, he might as well been ignoring me, I am tired of him using my things, not finishing his projects, etc.

I think, I will wait till after the BBQ this weekend, which will probably be a disaster. We had been talking about doing this all summer, in fact, it was originally his idea. We finally set a date about three weeks ago, but he has to work. Why he didn’t ask off, I’m not sure.

I guess, I will figure out when his next day off is, and we will have to sit down and talk about him stepping up, respecting me and my things or he is going to have to find somewhere else to live.

Ok, let’s get caught up on reading. Friday’s entry in One Day at A Time in Al-Anon (B-6). . .hold that thought I think I forgot something huge last week, need to go check my calendar. Ok, never mind, it was just my imagination. Friday’s entry is about listening. We might not always like what we hear, but we can take what we like and leave the rest and we can lean from what we don’t like as well.

Friday’s entry in Courage to Change (B-16) is about abuse from / to alcoholics and how our issues can provoke this. We might not b3e able to change their behavior, but we can take our inventory and change ourselves.

Friday’s entry in Hope for Today (B-27) is a strange one. It is about accepting a higher power into all aspects of our lives, including very personal ones. This will take some tie for me, since I have a hard time accepting a higher power to begin with.

Saturday’s entry in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (B6) is about changing ourselves and that through out change, others will begin to change. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but is till very far away. My changes have not begun changing my sister, but I have seen minor changes in my cousin, but I want bigger, faster, changes.

Saturday’s entry in Courage to Change (B-16) is about living for today, and using today’s events as a lesson for dealing with tomorrow, as well as trying new things and approaches because we can learn from these. I like this idea and have always tried to learn from my mistakes, but find the idea of trying something new intimidating. But, I also understand that most people find change scary. I just need to find ways to take little steps.

Saturday’s entry in Hope for Today (B-27) is about forgiveness and that we do not need someone’s apology to begin this progress. It is true we don’t, bit it makes it easier. To an extent I also take the same perspective as my mom, “I am not the one with the problem / did something wrong.” Why shouldn’t they apologize and why do I need to accept blame for my part, for not being there, for being there, for caring, for not caring, for wanting to help, for not wanting to help, for helping, for not helping. Why am I to blame, when anything I would have done would have been the wrong thin, since they as a person with this disease not know what they want.

Sunday’s entry in One Day at A Time in Al-Anon (B-6) is about accepting a higher power and letting the higher power take control of our lives, and when we pray, limiting our prayer to guidance rather than bargaining. As I have said before, I have a hard time accepting a higher power in my life. I am not sure why but I like the idea of free will and if the higher power is looking out for everyone, why do so many suffer?

Sunday’s entry in Hope for Today (B-26) is about listening within the meeting and how by doing this, we help ourselves and the other members. I have found this to be true, at least on my part. Listening the others has helped me to learn that I ma not alone and has helped me to see that there is alight at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, I am on a slow moving train.

Ok, I’m done for tonight. I have gotten caught up through the weekend.

I am not sure what was with my high school students today. Normally, they are pretty good and we can have conversations and they can keep working, but not today. The first hour wasn’t so bad, but the second. I had a girl ask me about a job interview today. I tried to give her some constructive advice about what to where and how to act, and that turned into a philosophical discussion about stereotypes and racism. No matter what I said, I kept digging myself in deeper to this conversation. I now have a student who thinks I am arrogant because I don’t shop at Hot Topic. From there I tried to explain that I don’t shop there because I don’t wear those types of clothes, or have a need for body jewelry – which is a bit of a lie, since I do have my tongue pierced. And that unfortunately everyone whether or not they want to admit it, will judge someone based on any number of factors, and are likely to change their behavior or actions because of those judgments, i.e. locking your car doors when you cross “that” intersection. Needless to say, no one got anything accomplished and I am exhausted from trying to defend myself and explain the rules of society to them. I don’t think they got it, hopefully though at some point they will. Cross your fingers!

I didn’t have time over the weekend to read and journal.  After the meeting on Friday night, I decided to go out and have a drink.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  Also, is it wrong for me to find several of the members of the AA meeting attractive? After the meeting, I ran back to Gwynn’s to pick up some things I left there, then home to walk the dog, then went out to the AB.  I had one and hung out with some of the other regulars.  By the time I got home, though I was exhausted so I did not re-read or journal. 

Saturday, I worked around the house, after running errands to pick up pet supplies.  But, ended up leaving earlier than planned to have dinner with my mom and niece.  We had to go to Wal-Mart so I could by a new vacuum cleaner.

After dinner I headed to Target’s house for his BBQ.  Jeff and Ellen, Rowina, John, the other AB regulars were there, and then Joe (one of the AB bartenders) and his girlfriend, and Kayla (my hair dresser) and her boyfriend (a former AB bartender) showed up.  Rodney (an AB bartender, and my current crush) was suppose to show up, but didn’t.  I didn’t get home until almost 1, so I didn’t feel like reading and reflecting.

Sunday, I finished working around the house, before I headed off for a play with my mother, my aunt Judy and her friend.  The play lasted much longer than we thought, and I didn’t get home until after 11.  At that point, I had to finish a project for the online class I am teaching, and didn’t get finished until almost 1, again, I didn’t feel like reading and reflecting.

So, now that I am caught up with things – I think, I am going to get all the reading caught up this evening.

Today was interesting, after work, Gwynn and I went for our usual walk, and during our conversation afterward, I learned that she has not see her biological father since she was little and there was something that happened involving burns and she had a ½ brother. She expressed an interest in meeting him and I told her we could possible find him and I think we did. It took about a ½ hour, but we found a guy with the seam first, middle, last name, who includes Jr., and would be the correct age. We sent him a message, but who knows if he will ever respond.

Ok, now that I have given the dog a bath with the flea shampoo I have spent the last week looking for. I also have gone after Ethyl with drops and will get Duke when he shows up and get Sam with drops as well in the morning.

Today’s entry in One Day at Time in Al-Anon (B-6) is about how in Al-Anon we learn to be us and how if we work on ourselves we can find a content and successful life. I am finding this to be more and more true. I am finding that I am worrying less and sleeping better, and am becoming more comfortable with myself.

Today’s entry in Courage to Change (B-16) is about letting go of our need to have our way and to speak our mind and let go of the control of the outcome. I have been able to express myself better since joining Al-Anon, especially within the group, since I know I won’t be judged. But I have yet to really do so outside of the group, I ma still concerned with the consequences.

Today’s entry in Hope for Today (B-27) is about having a sponsor within Al-Anon. I know this is something I will want to do; I just don’t want to do it too soon. Besides, although I feel very comfortable with the members of my group, I don’t feel I know any of them well enough to ask one to be my sponsor.

I learned late last night that my cousin didn’t leave his keys in my sister’s car; rather, he lost them in his golf bag.  He figures they moved, from where he put them, when his golf bag fell off the cart.  He realized when they were finishing up, that the fall broke the legs on his bag.  But, in the process of cleaning out his bag yesterday, and determine how broke it was, he found his keys and my golf bar retriever that on Sunday, he swore that he didn’t have.  My only thought is that he had been drinking too much, the time he took my ball retriever to remember he had it, that he had been drinking too much when playing with me on Sunday to remember, been drinking too much when he played with my sister, who also had been drinking too much and that is why his golf bag fell and broke, and they both had been drinking too much remember where he had put his car keys.