Thanks Christelle, you (rock)

The real issue is that I view these processes as mazes to navigate and if I’m lucky enough to make it through then maybe I can get the help I need. I fear that the people who manage these programs are there to filter me out rather than guide me through. I feel like I need an advocate, someone who can help me through this process, someone who understands the systems and programs and processes, someone to work with me and on my behalf because every time I try to work on this I get overwhelmed and confused and frustrated.

Then I give up.

I am tired of giving up.

Okay?

–

Okay – here goes then.

I’m not okay.

Some days are better than others and I’m working really hard to be okay, but I’m not okay. I am currently experiencing regular depressive episodes. I am also experiencing debilitating social anxiety and phobia.

This means I do not leave the house much. I do not talk to other people on the phone, or at least I do anything I can to avoid these things when possible. I struggle to find and retain optimism. I belittle my own accomplishments with doubt and self criticism.I know that these behaviors are extreme, that they are not healthy and that they are irrational, but they are real.

Depression is not laziness. I have not chosen this. No one is harder on me than me for being in the circumstance that I am. I wish it were as easy as my waking up in the morning and saying to myself that I will do things different today. I wish that were the case because I wouldn’t choose to feel the way I feel. I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on another person.

–

From mentalhealth.gov

Myth: Personality weakness or character flaws cause mental health problems. People with mental health problems can snap out of it if they try hard enough.

Fact: Mental health problems have nothing to do with being lazy or weak and many people need help to get better. Many factors contribute to mental health problems, including:

• Biological factors, such as genes, physical illness, injury, or brain chemistry
• Life experiences, such as trauma or a history of abuse
• Family history of mental health problems

People with mental health problems can get better and many recover completely.

–

Two years ago I entered therapy again to address a multitude of issues and I still continue this work on a bi-weekly basis. As a child I was sexually abused, a secret I kept for nearly 30 years. Keeping that secret wasn’t healthy but kept it I did. Despite multiple previous therapies including a hospitalization for a suicide attempt as a teenager, I never shared it. Even with Gina, my wife of nearly 20 years I didn’t share it.

The abuse certainly wasn’t the only issue or circumstance but it was part of a cycle of behaviors and thoughts and attitudes which I perpetuated throughout my life. I was filled with hate and anger and without any real method of ridding myself of those things, they were internalized. Experiences which should be enjoyable were riddled with fear and anxiety. My visions of every day events were clouded and run through this filter that changed the way I experienced them.

When I finally did face my past, I became severely overwhelmed. I shut down. About 10 months ago I wrote about this experience for a web site called Violence Unsilenced which allowed me to finally break my silence and share my voice with others. I knew that accepting my past was the first step in resolving and reconciling it.

I wrote:

“I use a lot of analogies in my therapy. I like analogies a lot, they help me express things in a way my brain understands. They also tend to present what I am thinking and feeling in terms which ultimately let me see that there is a commonality to what I am going through, it’s not just me. One of the analogies that occurs to me most often is that of me and my life right now are like a severely damaged space craft. There’s been a war, heavy casualties, and I’m sort of just drifting lifelessly through space. I am unable to restore full functionality all at once, in fact I probably need to shut down all but essential life sustaining systems for a while. Shields Up!

With all but primary systems offline I can do the work to get things back up and running. It’s arduous, tedious, and sometimes well beyond my capabilities. I take things slow, doing too much too soon will overload the system. So now I’m drifting and slowly bringing some things back online.”

- See more at: http://violenceunsilenced.com/scott

–

So now my systems are starting to come online and I feel like I am getting better, albeit slowly. I recently launched a new web site project, I’ve been increasing my writing output and hope to soon finish my first novel. I am attempting to do things each day that challenge me, and to identify those things that I am doing well and the areas in which I am improving. Things that many folks consider routine in their daily lives are still huge victories for me, and I am learning to embrace and celebrate them in the hopes that eventually they become routine and unremarkable.

Through a lot of hard work, painful work, I am changing those things. I am learning to look at things differently, to be less reactionary, and to be more considered with my reactions. This is happening, I feel it happening. I know it is happening and for the first time in a long time I feel like I could use words like optimistic or hopeful.

The problem is that I am out of time, and I am out of resources. Benefits are ending and my financial outlook is grim. My doctor just this week prescribed me new medication for my depression which, because of its cost, I cannot afford to start taking. Every step forward seems to be approaching a brick wall which stands in front of me, time and circumstances are the bricks in that wall, and the arrows being fired at me which threaten to stop my progress, to force me backwards in to the safe – but very dangerous – seclusion from which I am currently emerging.

I don’t know how to ask for help. I am in a situation where I cannot support my family. I am currently unemployed and while I have been looking for employment my current emotional state makes that extremely difficult or impossible. My wife Gina is a wonderfully talented freelance writer and she has been incredibly supportive of me during this time. We live quite frugally, more so than I ever imagined was possible. Gina is the queen of couponing and meal preparation, nothing in our home goes to waste. We do not eat at restaurants, we do not see movies, or concerts, even though this lack of socialization ends up being counterproductive to my healing. We have no insurance. We have been  keeping our heads above water for a while now but with the benefits ending we’re going to drown quickly.

As I write this I wonder if I will have the courage to post it. I want to be proud of my accomplishments in my life and I am not proud to be in this position, I am not happy with the circumstances in my life currently. Two years ago in my first appointment with my therapist I told her I was all in, that I needed to make a change, no bullshit, no posing or posturing. I started on this journey knowing that it would be difficult because it was the only thing I could do at that time – I needed to do it because I didn’t know what else to do. And I need to do this because I don’t know what else to do to keep moving forward.

Unfortunately our society views depression and mental illness differently than other illnesses. It is extremely difficult to receive disability benefits. Even compared to what is offered for substance abuse or other behavioral issues, programs and benefits for social anxieties and depression are woefully lacking.

Depression and mental illness have a stigma associated with them and I even battle that myself while writing this. Would I feel  ashamed of this if I had a physical illness or had been in an accident? My illness is something that affects me and that I can adjust to and live with, it is just taking time. Time that I am taking, time that I am using to get better, but unfortunately time that I no longer have. I would like to be able to afford my medication. I would like to be able to continue my therapy. I would like to be able to maintain a safe and healthy home for Gina and I.

I dream of the day I can overcome my illness, when I can focus with clarity on accomplishing the great things I know that I can accomplish in my life. When depression and anxiety, and fear are replaced with contentment and excitement. When my life becomes something to be treasured and cherished rather than endured. I know it can happen and I am working hard each day to reach that goal.

Scott

–

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255)
If you or someone you know needs help, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline . Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your call is confidential and free.

If you are currently being abused or were abused in the past I encourage you to safely seek help. If the need is immediate dial 911 or go to an emergency room. Please do this now or as soon as it is safe for you to do so.

Some Additional Resources:

1in6 is an organization dedicated to providing information and support for men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, in addition to their friends, family, and partners. They have some really outstanding resources for getting help.

They also offer additional information about the 1 in 6 statistic.

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is also a tremendous resource in addition to providing a confidential 24/7 telephone hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

Violence UnSilenced also has a thorough page of resources and helpful links.

Fact: Mental health problems have nothing to do with being lazy or weak and many people need help to get better. Many factors contribute to mental health problems including:

• Biological factors, such as genes, physical illness, injury, or brain chemistry
• Life experiences, such as trauma or a history of abuse
• Family history of mental health problems

People with mental health problems can get better and many recover completely.

via Myths and Facts | MentalHealth.gov.

Sylvia Plath