I have this hanging on the wall in my bedroom. The 552 is the bib from the Earth Day 5k I ran last year. My time last year was 45:46. That was just as I was beginning my fitness journey last year, before Fitbloggin, before 5kin 100 Days … before physical therapy, before I had a job, before my life changed.

This year I was so excited for this race. I was determined to run the entire thing, to make it the first 5k where I ran the whole time. I even asked FatGirlsCanRun to come down to WV and run it with me. It was going to be the most awesome feeling ever. I was going to run, and I was going to be thin, and, you know, my life would generally be perfect, naturally.

But, as we all know, life isn’t perfect.

The race was run this morning, and I wasn’t there.

The truth is, I’m not running 5ks. I’m not running at all. I hardly walk anywhere but to and from the kitchen. I’m certainly not thin.

I feel like I failed.

Now, I know there are other 5ks. There will be another Earth Day 5k next year, and I am absolutely welcome to run it from start to finish.

But my life is different now.

This year, my goal, my Number One Most Important Goal is this: to cultivate my ability to act on the knowledge I possess (i.e. do what I know I need to do).

I know how to run. I know how to get from Not Running At All to Running 5k. I know how to lose weight. I know how to eat a healthy diet. I know how to change my body and my life.

I KNOW.

Knowing is easy. It’s doing that’s hard.

Starting now, I’m not waiting for next year.  Perhaps Fitbloggin ’12 will be my first full-run 5k (Wouldn’t that be awesome? Who wants to run it with me?). Perhaps it will be sooner than that. It doesn’t matter when; the point is, it WILL happen.

I need to get back to this. I need to get back in control of my life, because I’ve been letting Life smack me around for far too long.

To live is an action verb. It’s time for ACTION.

Life isn’t fair, is it? You see, I, I shall never be king, and you … No, wait, that’s Lion King.

But it’s not fair. And it’s often nothing like we expect it to be.

In fact, in my experience, expecting life to be one way is almost a guarantee that it won’t turn out that way.

My life has been in the crapper lately, in pretty much every aspect. You can be damn sure that includes my diet, exercise, and weight loss. Some of it has been entirely my fault, like the mass amounts of food I’ve been eating and the mass amounts of sitting on my ass I’ve been doing (although technically, we’re blaming that on Stress, that rat bastard). The rest of it, well, a good portion of that has been my fault as well.

I’m not ready to speak openly about what’s been going on, not because I don’t want you to know (I’ve never been accused of being secretive), but rather because the pain is still too fresh for me to rehash. No one has died, and there’s nothing life-threatening going on: only life-changing.

Suffice it to say that I am at a point now, right this very instant, where I have the opportunity to define my future, to choose what path I take from here on out. Yes, I will argue that each one of us has that same choice at any given moment, but we sometimes come to a place where making a decision is a must rather than a could. The task before me, one that I must face, is consciously building a new life for myself.

My old life is gone. There are vestiges of my past, of course, because there are some choices we make that we can never unmake, but nonetheless, the life before me is brand spanking new. I am still unsure, red and raw and screaming with possibility.

This is my rebirth.

You think it’s easy to define what you want. You think you know. I thought I knew. But sometimes all we have are the supposed tos and the don’t wants. Sometimes other voices are so loud in our heads that we can’t hear our own. Sometimes we have exactly what we want and we find out it’s not what we expected it to be, that it’s not what we want at all. Sometimes we have what we have because we still haven’t defined what we want, and what we have is what we got in the meantime.

So this is an opportunity. Life always hands us opportunities, whether we want them–or recognize them–or not. That’s the nature of life. This moment is an opportunity for me to define what I want, and then to go out and get it.

This moment is an opportunity for me, floundering here at rock bottom, to look up and see the clear, blue sky.

It’s time I learn to fly.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have internet access at home right now, but hopefully that will be fixed sooner rather than later.

So, in case you were wondering where I am, I’m dealing with some things and will be back soon.

Thanks for sticking around.

But, the work rush has slowed for a while, and while there are still major changes going on, I think they might actually be good.

Through it all, I have reaffirmed my decision to eat healthier foods. I have become aware of just how disgusting I feel when I eat unhealthy foods. My body is speaking to me, quite loudly, and I am listening.

I think of all the little, annoying medical conditions I have: keritosis, eczema, headaches, joint pain–and even the bigger ones, like high cholesterol and my spine getting all out of whack over and over. I wonder if focusing on high-nutrient foods will help alleviate those conditions.

I have always believed that our bodies are amazingly capable and can heal themselves of pretty much anything, given the right conditions. (By “conditions” I mean primarily diet, water, exercise, and sleep.) Disease is not something that comes from within, but rather comes from something in our bodies that is not supposed to be there (like chemicals), or a lack of something that is supposed to be there (like vitamins). If we don’t lack anything we’re supposed to have, we’re able to deal with the “not supposed to be there” stuff.

(At least mostly. I’m sure there are things that happen outside of this. I’m not a doctor.)

Now I know–have actually experienced–that if I eat a salad, my body will say “Thank you.” If I eat greasy onion rings, my body will get all, “Why the hell would you do a thing like that? ARGH!” (Hello, heartburn!)

This past week, I got to go to trial for work. I ate random, unhealthy food–and I paid for it. Not so much on the scale (although there was a small jump, which I am not worried about), but both in terms of how I feel/felt and in terms of cravings. Right now, I’m craving an bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich slathered with mayo. I’m also craving a cheeseburger and fries, and perhaps even some of those greasy onion rings. And let’s not forget potato chips and chocolate, because I seemingly always crave those.

The cravings are the hardest part.

Cravings and I, we have a history. A craving comes up to me and says, “I want some _____!” And I say, “Okay, let’s go get some!”

This whole, “No, I don’t need that, and it will make me feel really gross,” thing is new to me, and it’s difficult. This is a bad habit that I am trying hard to break.

I know that after a week or so of clean, healthy eating, the cravings will disappear. It happened just a few weeks ago. I’d be there still if I hadn’t let a little thing like a business trip waylay me and all of my good intentions. But alas! I am left going through the tough part once again.

But this time, I know it’s worth it. I know what happens on the other side, and I believe that it won’t be as hard to get through this time. On the other side of these cravings lies freedom and health, energy and clarity, and confidence. In just a few days, I will be back there.

Photo by gailf548 via flickr

I talk a lot about taking care of myself, and facing my demons, and even respecting and trusting my body. This is my Parent voice, my Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do voice. Karen talks about Lovingly Parenting Yourself as part of the practice of GMFR, and it is something I’ve struggled with in my life, both in terms of diet and in other areas.

As you know, I have a young daughter. Of course the most important thing in the world to me is helping her grow into a healthy, happy woman. That is more important to me, as a parent, than even my own health. You other parents out there, you understand. And I do my best to teach her, to guide her, not to do for her but to help her learn the ways of the world around her. I do my best to show her how to take care of herself so that she has the best possible chance of growing into that healthy, happy, beautiful, intelligent woman I see waiting to blossom.

But I get frustrated. There are times that I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that she is young, and learning is not always instantaneous. Life is a process, and it takes time. The most important thing is that I love her, and that I show her that I love her, and that I have compassion for her, especially in those instances when I want to tear my hear out. Life lessons come from a loving parents, someone trustworthy, someone who cares for her, not from anger and frustration.

Those principles apply to myself as well.

Yes, I am adult, and yes, I generally know what is and is not good for me, both physically and emotionally. Do I always follow logic and go with what I know is good? Of course not. Those are the moments I need to practice that same love and compassion I strive to show my daughter, but towards myself. In the same way that yelling at my daughter will not make her do what I want, I cannot force myself to change my unhealthy eating habits by telling myself what a miserable failure I am. It doesn’t work that way.

This journey I am on–both to become a continuously better parent, and to gain physical and emotional health–is a journey of love. Improvement comes only through love. Self-improvement comes only through self-love.

GMFR is a place of practice, a place where we can learn what it feels like to be fully accepted, by others and by ourselves. Acceptance is the first step on the road to love. I can talk the talk with the best of them, but GMFR is a place to practice walking the walk.

Photo by NS Newsflash via flickr

A few days ago I was making a list. I was all geared up and ready to take on the world, and I was thinking of all the big, amazing things I was going to accomplish this year and what I needed to do in order to make all of those goals happen. My list looked like this:

1. Lose 100 pounds

2. Eliminate debt

3. Finish my novel and get ready for publication

After I had those big, broad-strokes goals written down, I started narrowing in on specific things I needed to do, like so:

1a. Eliminate junk/processed foods

1b. Eat primarily fruits, vegetables, beans, nuts, and seeds

1c. Move/exercise as much as possible

1d. Learn to run

My intention was to keep the list going, to keep getting more and more specific on every step, and every step of every step, until I had a solid plan. After all, I like to have things in writing.

So I’m sitting there looking at my list, wondering if I need to add any more steps to Goal 1 before working on Goal 2. And then.

I got some very bad news. Literally life-changing. As in, I don’t know where to go from here.

That list sat on my desk, right in front of me, for the rest of the day. We stared at each other, that list and I. I found I was physically incapable of adding one more word to it.

That was Tuesday morning. I’ve carried it around with me since then, hoping that I’ll be able to take a step forward, to reach further, to aim higher.

But the truth is, right now I just don’t know if I can. I don’t know where life is taking me, but I feel like it’s sending me a message: Take care of yourself.

If I have to pick just one thing to accomplish this year, let it be taking care of myself. Isn’t that the most important thing?

Since I got this news, I’ve been doing badly. Well no, not badly. Certainly better than before. Just worse than I’d like. I have to keep reminding myself that taking care of myself will make me feel better in every way and will make this change easier to deal with, wherever it leads.

No matter what, I can still make a good decision for myself and my body. I can still make the decision to eat well, to exercise, to drink plenty of water, and to get plenty of sleep (well, sometimes my body doesn’t cooperate with that one, even if I do make the decision). No matter what, I can choose to treat myself with respect, with kindness, and with love.

Because no matter what changes happen in life, love is the most important thing, even for yourself.

Today is Day 12 of my #7daychip for eating only when hungry. Yes, I made it, and I’m going for 30. Maybe 100. Maybe 1000. Who knows?

I’m doing very well with my relaxed version Eat for Health (aff). I’m not following the program exactly, but rather focusing on making vegetables the main part of my meals. Breakfast is the hardest, because I’ve always been firmly in the “if it’s not eggs, it’s not breakfast” camp. However, a breakfast of eggs and toast sets me up for other, shall we say, “allowances” during the day, which doesn’t help anything.

But I’m doing well, and that is the point. I’m even back down into the 240′s, which I haven’t seen since last summer, so YAY ME!

I’m accompanying my boss to trial in a couple of weeks, and I had to get a new suit to wear (well, a suit, as I didn’t have one at all). I figured I had better go ahead and do it, in the very likely scenario I couldn’t find one locally and had to order something. I mean, do you know how hard it is to find Tall Plus Size clothes in rural WV?

Apparently not as hard as I was expecting, because I found something on clearance at the 2nd store I went to.

The best part: I got a size smaller than I was expecting to buy. Actually, the blazer is a few sizes smaller than I was expecting, due to my utter disproportion, but even the pants are a smaller size than my regular purchase.

And I also went to the farmers’ market and the grocery store and stocked up on veggies, fruits, and local, organic meats (beef, pork, turkey, and goat–haven’t tried goat, I figured we could use some culinary adventure). I even successfully avoided the table full of delicious, farm-fresh cheese.

Here’s the thing: I’ve had the Eat to Live and Eat for Health books for years. I even have the audio version of EfH. I’ve listened and/or read them numerous times, always with the thought that this is the ideal diet, that this is where I want my diet to end up eventually, but never actually believing I could get there. I always read with the thought that it was too hard to make such a dramatic change in my diet and that it would be impossible for me to actually follow that plan.

But it popped up on my iPod the other day as I was driving, and I didn’t skip past; I listened, and something shifted. As I listened, I thought, “I can do that. Why am I not doing that?” And then I started doing it.

It’s been easy, really. The food is delicious. I’m not hungry all the time. I eat plenty of food and get plenty of nutrients, even calories. I feel better. No, I’m not perfect, but when I eat junk I immediately feel gross, so even my “allowances” are becoming fewer and fewer. I even went out to eat with my boss the other day and SKIPPED THE FRENCH FRIES. This is monumental for me.

Eat good = Feel good.

Eat bad = Feel bad.

I get it now. I can see/feel it in action. It’s like my body finally started talking to me, or rather, I finally heard it.

I see absolutely no problem with continuing to eat this way. In fact, I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to losing weight and gaining health, to setting a good example for my family and friends, to discovering all the delicious, healthy foods I can eat with full pleasure and no guilt.

I honestly feel like a switch has been flipped, like that was then, and this is now.

Now, if I could just flip a switch on my finances, I’d be all set. *sigh*

I suppose no one is perfect.

Photo by nutrilover via flickr

Today is Day 11. Yes, I actually made it all the way through my #7DayChip, and am now aiming for 30 days of eating only when hungry.

I’ve been doing exceptionally well on the dietary front. In addition to eating only when hungry, my focus has really been on eating as many fruits and vegetables as possible (a la Eat to Live), and I’m finding I actually enjoy it much more than I expected to.

One thing that helped in particular was that, after I’d been eating a produce-based diet for a few days, I went to my parents’ house for dinner the other night. We had frozen pizza and Jell-O no bake cheesecake (note: this is a typical meal at my parents’ house, which helps to explain why I’m 100 pounds overweight in the first place).  I ate it, and thought it was delicious.

And then it hit me about half an hour later. BLEH. I felt so disgusting, like my entire body was crying out the junk I had just tried to pass off as fuel. “What happened to the salad? Where’s the fruit?” it cried.

The next meal was back to fruits and vegetables.

I have found a couple of recipes and meals I really love, and would eat even if I were not trying to be healthy, and I may share them with you in the coming weeks, because I do so love recipes (and food!).

I have no illusions that I have made it anywhere near Dr. Fuhrman’s recommendation that fruits and veggies make up 70-90% of your calorie intake (especially after that brownie I had last night … ), but this is certainly an improvement over my prior diet. I’m not aiming for perfect, just better. I’m eating fewer calories, I’m losing weight, I’m gaining nutrition, and I’m enjoying it.

I am feeling good, and strong, and well nourished. More importantly, I am excited to continue eating this way, consuming vegetables and fruits for most of my intake.

In other news, I have some very exciting stuff happening, a few things on the radar, that I will be sharing with you soon. However, work is very busy right now, leading up to trial in a couple of weeks (I get to go to trial! I’m so excited!), so there’s a good chance I won’t be around much for a few weeks. February might be a quiet month for me, but look forward to some excitement coming your way in March!

Let’s talk about good things, okay?

On Friday afternoon, I got an email at work about becoming part of their blog team, which means I could be on my way to becoming a professional blogger, if a corporate blogger. There are some other opportunities coming up for me as well, and I am very excited. I’ve got stuff in the works!

Today is Day 7 of my #7daychip! Yesterday wasn’t perfect, and I did eat one time when I wasn’t hungry, but that was due to a scheduling issue, and I didn’t eat very much, so I’m not worried about it. After I mark today down as a WIN in my book, my next challenge is going to be having a fruit and/or vegetable at every single meal for 7 days. Which, really, shouldn’t be an issue.

Lately I’ve been listening to Joel Fuhrman’s Eat for Health (again), and every time I do, I immediately want to make the switch to that eating style. For those of you who don’t know, he basically recommends eating fruits, vegetables, beans, nuts, and seeds, and everything else in moderation. I wonder how different my life would be if I jumped into that eating style 100%–what aches and pains would go away, if my keritosis would clear up, if the weight would simply drop off. I feel like every time I listen to it or read it (I have both audio and hard copy, obviously) I get closer and closer to actually making the switch.

Right now, today, in this moment, I want to go for it. I’m having an Amazing Grass smoothie, made with almond milk, a banana, and some strawberry kefir for breakfast (yum!). I’ve got a big tub of organic salad greens in my frig, for which I will mix up some delicious sesame-ginger-cashew dressing, maybe throw some black beans or some tuna in the mix.

Also, today I am going running. I will make it happen. It might be cold, but it’s a beautiful day and the sun is shining, and I want to run so bad it’s a physical craving. After this smoothie settles in my tummy a bit (because running with a stomach full of smoothie = BLEH), I’m going to hit the trail. Later this afternoon while Daughter naps, I will do my NRoWLfW workout, my PT exercises, and some yoga.

Today, I’m going to make myself feel good.

I realized that over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten so worked up over the details–what diet to follow, how many carbs and fats and proteins, what time I should be eating, is it okay to have a bite of chocolate–that I’m causing myself too much stress to be effective in any area. Of course I end up rebelling against that strategy! What choice do I have?

This #7daychip is my way of stepping away from all of that and getting back to what matters: listening to my body, respecting how it feels, and placing my long term goals ahead of my momentary feelings.

I’ve started doing the The New Rules of Lifting for Women workouts again, because I do so love lifting weights, and I’ve been adding some yoga and my physical therapy exercises after I do the weight part. It might not drench me in sweat, and I might not have the exact equipment/weights called for, but at least I’m doing something. And if it makes me look like the chick on the cover, I’m all for it.

I’ve also been logging my food using the LoseIt app on my Kindle and my phone. My dietitian told me to email her my food logs, and I can do that from the LoseIt website, so that’s a plus. Plus I find it easy to use, and it has most of the foods I eat, and if it doesn’t have it in there I can simply scan the barcode with my phone and POOF! there it is.

The problem is, even when I think I’m having a good eating day, I log all of my calories and I’m way over where I want to be. I know that is still diet mindset, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to step away from it entirely yet. I’m too focused on my weight.

So, Day 4. I’m halfway to my chip. Wish me luck for the rest of the week!