Despite the disappearing act, I’ve actually been doing fairly well with my weight-related goals. Food has been pretty good. I’ve been paying attention to how I feel when I eat various foods. I’m learning. I’m not getting it right yet (i.e. I’m still eating things I know will cause some discomfort), but I’m getting better. Exercise has been fine lately, except for the past few days when I’ve felt really run down, and I expect to have a full-blown cold in another day or two.

I did manage to run a full 5k–more than 5k, actually–without walking at all last weekend. It was outdoors, and it was very slow, but I did it. I was hoping to get in another at the gym today, but did I mention the part where I feel like crap? I’m hoping to sleep it off, but seeing as I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m not holding my breath.

So, I’m not sleeping, I’m not writing, I’m not blogging, I’m not saving money, I’m not paying off debt, and I feel pretty lousy. (This right here? This is me avoiding balancing my checkbook.)

Still, I have some exciting things coming up for me, and I still fully intend to meet my goals of hitting pre-pregnancy weight (2-3 pounds to go!) and running a sub-40 minute 5k by my birthday on the 29th.

I hope to have a very exciting announcement by the end of the week (keep your fingers crossed!). I’ve got some projects I’m working on. I’m making things happen.

So even though I feel like trash right now, things are moving in the right direction overall. And today I am recommitting to my goals. Here I go to write, to balance my checkbook, and to sleep.

Naturally, I blame this on the fact that I am a Gemini and have a split personality. Holding contradictory thoughts, feelings, and beliefs is my superpower.

It seems like things are going my way lately. I’m losing weight. I’m doing a decent job of managing my money and my debt. I’m getting things done at work. I killing my workouts. Even my Every Day in May Challenge is going fairly well.

I’ve got PLANS, and I’m making things HAPPEN.

On the other hand, I’m staring into the face of wanting things I will never have, at least, never have unless I make some drastic changes.

There are two areas in particular that are affecting me:

1. I can’t afford a house of my own, and certainly not the house that I want. More than that, I never will be able to afford the house that I want on my current career track. (What can I say, I have expensive taste.) I was signing my daughter up for pre-k, and according to their forms, I qualify as homeless. Homeless. I know that I do have a home, and my daughter and I are loved here, but the fact that I technically could have checked that box kind of sent me for a loop. I do not have space to call my own, certainly not the space I want, and that wears on me.

2. I don’t have a best friend. I never really have, not since I was very young. Yes, I have lots of friends, but they all have someone else to share their life with, someone else they list as a best friend, romantic or not. Truth be told, most of my friends are internet friends and live hundreds of miles away (if not thousands), so I can’t exactly meet up with them for lunch. I’m not saying that I don’t love and appreciate my friends, because I do. I’m just saying that I’m lonely, and I miss having someone I can talk to, someone just for me, who gets all my stupid jokes and gives a shit about what’s going on in my day-to-day life.

I keep telling people to hook me up with a wealthy, single man, and all of my problems would be solved. (I would have an entirely different set of problems, to be sure.)

So yes, things are going pretty well for me right now, and yes, I’m still complaining and depressed. Let’s blame PMS and wait for it to pass. For now, I just needed to write it down and get it out of my system.

Photo by AG Gilmore via flickr

April had its ups and downs, but I think I came out on top overall. Work was crazy busy (still is, actually), I went to Green Mountain at Fox Run for a week, I changed up my diet (again), and I had a number of PRs (more on that below).

Let’s see the breakdown.

Goals

1. Read 50 books

I managed to finish 2 real books this month, and I’m almost finished with a third (but it will have to count for May). I also read a LOT of shorts this month, 13 of them, which gives me credit for 4 books and 1 carryover for next month, bringing my total for 6 books for April and 25 for the year.

Progress: 25/50

2. Lose 60 pounds

As of this morning, I am down to 245.0, which means I lost 4 pounds in April. My total for the year is 13.4 pounds lost. I would really, really, really very much like to make it down to 237 or below by the end of May, or my birthday (May 29), but that means I have to kick it into high gear this month. I feel like I’m a bit behind schedule for the year anyway. Stalling out for two full months didn’t really help me any. But now I’m back on my game, and ready to do this thing!

Progress: 13.4/60

3. Run 500 300 miles

This was my best running month yet. I won’t say that I kept on pace with my goal, because I’m still not racking up the miles as fast as I’d like, but I am improving. I managed to run/walk 23 miles this month (which is only accurate if I remembered to log all of my runs into Daily Mile, and that’s kind of a long shot, so I may have actually gone a few more miles than that), bringing my total to 59.

I did have some running PRs in April though, most notably my PR from Tuesday morning: I ran my first 12:00-minute mile! Now, if I can just string three of those together I’ll have no problem reaching my goal of a sub-40 minute 5k by the end of the month.

I’m going to have to fit in a lot of running this month, because I am determined to run that 5k. I recognize that I’m going to have to take it outside, and I fully intend to, especially now that the weather is warming up. Boss and I actually went to the trail today at lunch, so that’s a start. But even if the weather is terrible and there are no 5ks around on Memorial Day weekend (how likely is that?), I’ll take it to the gym and do my sub-40 there. I am determined!

Not only that, but I am running the Color Me Rad race in Pittsburgh on June 9th. I will also hopefully have some uber-exciting race news coming up in the next couple of weeks.

Progress: 59/300

4. Save $3000

I didn’t make much progress on this one in April, but I am still waiting on one of my mileage reimbursement checks from work (it should be here any day now). Also, I might have a potentially HUGE unexpected bill coming up this month which could set me back considerably. Urgh. I’m just hoping I have some left over at the end of the month.

Progress: 1000/3000

5. Pay off debt

I made a little progress, but not a ton, in April. I feel like my finances just went totally haywire this past month. You know, like how I have operated for the previous 32.8 years of my life. Urgh again.

Still, progress is progress, even if it’s slow.

Progress: 63.38%

6. Complete 1st draft of novel

I didn’t even think about it this month, intentionally. I’m thinking about making daily writing my habit for the Every Day In May Challenge, but I am undecided. I just don’t know how much of a priority this is for me right now. I’m going to write a bit tonight and see how it goes, how it makes me feel, and then judge whether I want more of that feeling in my life.

Progress: On hold

7. Write childrens book

I did manage to write a bit about the children’s book this month: on a Post-It note on my desk at work. I also had a number of conversations about it, planning sessions, if you will. I don’t know that we’re making any progress, but at least we’re talking and thinking about it.

Progress: 0%

8. Visit Falling Waters
9. Take Daughter to zoo
10. Take Daughter to Children’s Museum

None of these have happened yet, but I am planning the first trip for this month.

Progress: 0/3

11. Blog twice per week

• March Goals Review
• Weighing My Options
• Running On
• Name of the Game
• Meanwhile …
• Every Day in May Challenge
• Running With It: A Running 101 Update

I did not blog at all the week I was a Green Mountain, and as a result I feel one post short for this month. I don’t feel too bad about that. I will, however, try to make up for it with an extra post in May–I’m aiming for 12 posts this month!

Progress: 16/17 (weeks, that is)

12. No soda

13. No fast food

Still going strong on these two.

Progress: 17/17

So, I didn’t completely knock it out the park this month, but I held my own. More importantly, I feel like I am heading in the right direction again after being stagnant for most of February and March. Things are looking up!

Resolution Progress

To actively search for my own ideal health, diet, fitness, and lifestyle, whatever that means, and to define them on my own terms.

April was a BIG month in this respect. First, there was the Vegetarian thing. Then there was the Green Mountain at Fox Run thing. And then there was the Paleo thing. Running, walking, rowing, weight lifting, yoga, swinging, playing in the yard with my kid.

I’m exploring, I really, truly am. I’m observing, I’m learning, and I’m making decisions and plans based on those observations.  Which is the whole, entire point.

Word of the Year

TRUST.

I’ll refer back to the Resolution Progress topic on this one. I think I’ve done well. I’ve trusted myself enough to hold steady through tribulations, and I’ve trusted myself enough to change course when I saw the need. A number of times this month, I took at look at my situation, evaluated the possible outcomes, and made a decision. At this point, I think the decisions I made were the right ones (okay, maybe not every single one, but the big ones).

I trusted myself to go faster and ran my first 12-minute mile. I trusted myself to deadlift 135 pounds.

I’m not saying I’m there, but I am getting better at it.

In the Works for May

I’m still debating on my Every Day In May Challenge goal, having done ALL of my potential goal habits today. I’ll think about it more and pick one tomorrow.

As I mentioned earlier, I would really LOVE to drop 8 pounds this month, which would get me back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 237, which also happens to be my 10% body weight lost number. This month is Paleo, running, walking, and weights. Oh, and SLEEP. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, so I would like to hone in on that a bit. Hopefully the increased exercise I plan to do will help in that regard.

I’m also hoping to do at least one official 5k this month, in addition to the sub-40 5k I have planned for Memorial Day weekend.

Based on finances and scheduling, I may take Daughter to the zoo this month and finally knock one of those goals off my list, plus have a fun day with my awesome kid in the process.

So that’s the plan for this month: just keep swimming. I feel like I’m going in the right direction once again. The only thing left to do is GO.

I have been running, but I have to be honest: I haven’t exactly been following the program.

(Pause for the collective gasp. I know it’s shocking.)

Photo by Ricky Hernandez via flickr

What I am doing is intervals, gradually increasing my running intervals length, gradually increasing my speed, and occasionally checking the schedule to see if I’m anywhere near on track.

Turns out, I am.

I am also occasionally running a mile or two at a time, which, I’ll admit, is a bit ahead of schedule.

This should be the end of Week 9 for me, which means I should have done 5:1 run:walk intervals. It just so happens, that’s exactly what I did. HOW ABOUT THAT.

My last run was just 1 mile, because I didn’t have much time, and because it was right before my hour with the personal trainer and I didn’t want to wear myself completely out. Earlier this week I wanted to see how fast I was getting, because it’s been a few days since I’ve timed a mile without doing intervals or working for a certain speed. I hit a PR of 12:40! Granted, that was just one single mile, but if I can pull out three of those in a row–which I recognize is a completely different game–I’ll hit my goal of a sub-40 5k by my birthday at the end of May. So my challenge for May is to work on running for longer than 1 mile at a time.

I am a little worried about taking it outside though, because although I have gone to the Rail Trail a few times recently, I’ve always been moving at someone else’s pace (coworkers, Daughter), so I haven’t been able to run like I’ve wanted to. I don’t really know how to pace myself outdoors, and I’m fairly certain I will be slower than I am on the treadmill.

I don’t think it should be a real problem, but I want to get outside as much as possible this month, and focus on running longer and longer stretches. I want to see how my treadmill running relates to outdoor running, and how my intervals relate to miles. I’m assuming I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but I hope to be there within the next few weeks.

Photo by Rob Friesel via flickr

Habits are hard to build, especially good ones. Experts say that we need at least 3-4 weeks to build a new habit, and in reality it can take much longer than that.

But building new habits is really the end game, isn’t it? The new life we want to build, whether it involves a new life, a new career, a new relationship, or pretty much anything else, is going to require changing something about the way we currently live and adopting habits that are compatible with our desired lifestyle.

To give ourselves the best shot at building and maintaining this new, positive habit, I’m issuing a challenge:

Pick one habit you would like to build, and do it every day for the entire month of May. Every. Single. Day.

That’s 31 days of forward progress.

31 days of action.

31 days of momentum.

I’m not going to tell you what your habit should be. It doesn’t even have to fall into a particular category. It can be drinking 8 glasses of water, meditating, walking around the block, writing a page per day, flossing your teeth, getting in some type of workout, calling your mom … whatever. Pick the habit YOU would most like to build, and do it. Every day.

Of course, I do have a few recommendations.

1. Focus on ONE habit. 

If you’re anything like me, you can think of dozens of habits you would like to adopt. Unfortunately, spreading your focus by trying to accomplish 20 different things at once is counter-productive, and you’re not likely to stick with any of it for the long term (if you can even make it through the initial 31 days).

2. Think SMALL.

Would I like to adopt the habit of getting in an hour-long workout every day? Well, maybe (not that I’m advocating that), but it’s not realistic. But you don’t have to aim for your end result right off the bat; small changes can make a big difference, if you keep at it. Start with one component habit of the big picture. You can always add more habits later, but it doesn’t help to overwhelm yourself in the beginning.

3. Incorporate a trigger.

You know how the first thing you do when you get out of bed is stumble to the coffee pot? Waking up = TRIGGER for stumbling to coffee pot. It’s that simple, folks. Find something, preferably something that you already do every single day, to do right before you will perform your new habit. Or set up a reminder, maybe your phone can beep at you every hour to remind you to drink water. Set your running shoes right beside your bed, or wherever you will definitely see them. Set yourself up for success!

4. Get thee some ACCOUNTABILITY.

Use some type of system to give you feedback on what you’re doing. I personally like to have a visual reminder (I use smiley faces on my calendar) of the days I’ve met my goal, but use whatever works for you. Put $10 in a jar every day you miss your goal. Find a buddy to call you every evening. Post your daily successes or tribulations on your blog or tweet about it for all the world to see. Email me, and I will nag you daily at your request (for realz, yo!). Join the Every Day in May Challenge Facebook group.

5. Gather a SUPPORT team.

On the flip side of the accountability coin, you need others you can turn to for support, people who understand what you’re trying to do and why, people who are going through or have gone through the challenge of building new habits. Again, as in all situations, do what works best for you. Get your significant other in on the action. Make it a family event. Ask your bestie to take the challenge with you. Email me, and I will whip out my impressive motivational skills. Or, of course, join the Every Day in May Challenge Facebook group. (See that? Two birds, one FB group!)

That’s all there is to it! See, you can totally do that!

Let’s kick off summer with some new healthy habits. Choose your own challenge, then hop on over and join the Facebook group and tell us what habit you’re working on this month.

Then all that’s left is the actual habit-building!

(I know that’s the tough part, but I will be there to support you every step of the way!)

So, pick a habit to work on, join the group, tell all your friends … and take the next step towards becoming a better you!

View from my room at Green Mountain at Fox Run

(Be careful, this is a long one.)

Sometimes it takes me a while to put things into words, to assimilate an experience to the point that I can explain it. How do I encapsulate a vast, emotional experience in a matter of text?

(Side note: Perhaps not having that figured out is why I am not a  published author. Hmph.)

Earlier this month, I had the privilege to go to Green Mountain at Fox Run, way up in Vermont. It snowed.

Ever since, even while I was there, I kept trying to think of how to write a blog post to summarize my experience.

Much like with Fitbloggin (2011), I am finding it very difficult to put into words.

At this point, I think it’s a good thing I waited to write it out (maybe something in my subconscious slowed me down to give me time to gain perspective–thank you, Universe!), as my thoughts have been rather roundabout.

Let’s talk straight about this. (Bear with me, and I promise I will get to a point.)

My first full day there, I was excited and raring to go. I went to all of the “Foundational” classes, exercise classes, all of it. I did the 7:00am fitness assessment (which told me my weight was exactly what I thought it was, but my blood pressure and heart rate were better than my last doctor’s visit, and pretty darn good). I ate my prescribed meals. I talked. I shared.

By the end of the day, I was feeling a bit disheartened.

The nutrition classes hadn’t told me anything I hadn’t heard before, and were not encouraging me to follow a prescribed way of eating. In fact, they were telling me to eat what I truly wanted, to work treats into my life, and to eat what makes me feel good. Hmm.

The exercise classes didn’t even make me sweat. I’ve gotten used to running hard, to lifting hard, to pushing my body, and this wasn’t it. I recognize that I have improved my fitness considerably in the past months, and that there was a time in my life when the workouts we did would have been incredibly difficult for me, and some parts of it would have been painful. But not now. By the end of the day, I needed to work up a sweat and blow off some steam, so I went out to the little 1/10-mile track beside the building and did laps–3.1 miles worth–getting in my Running 101 intervals. I did sweat at that point, which made me feel a little better.

Day 2 was the first of the psychology/behavior classes, which were the ones I was most looking forward to. Let’s face it, I’m kind of a know-it-all (just a little, ya think?), and right now I feel like I’ve got Diet and Exercise more or less figured out, or at least I am in the process of figuring them out. But psychology? Sure, I know a lot about it, and I read and poke and think and question, but in the end, I know that there’s a TON I don’t know. And, as we all know, psychology is my weight loss drug of choice.

Here’s the thing with psychology, and the mental strategies we can employ to change our lives: I might know all about it, but I don’t actually do any of it, at least not consistently. GMFR showed me how to implement those strategies and mental behaviors into my life. Sure, a lot of the information given was stuff I already knew, but I did have a few a-ha moments. There is always something you can learn about yourself, if only you’re willing to look.

The rest of the week continued in much the same way. The nutrition classes were redundant for me, as someone who devours nutritional books, studies, papers, reports, etc, the way that I do. I will admit that I sort of tuned them out, because I like where I am in my experimenting with my diet and how my body reacts. If my goal is to find the ideal diet for my body and for my life, I don’t need someone else to tell me what that is, or even how to find it.

Honestly, I skipped most of the exercise classes in favor of working out on my own. I walked every day. I got in my Running 101 intervals. I did weight circuits. I did a lot of yoga and stretching, both in the gym, in my room, and just basically whenever I felt like it. I discovered that I really like the rowing machine, and that the bottom of a frog squat is a pretty comfy place to hang out if you have hip and/or lower back issues.

The behavior classes were a mix of, “Um, yeah, I know,” and “Really? Huh. I never thought of it like that.” Mental exercises help put things in perspective. Some of the realizations I had, I’m not sure how the awareness will help me moving forward. For example, we listed chronologically some experiences we had that relate to our self-esteem, and I can see how the effect was cumulative. I don’t know how to use that information, exactly, but I’m glad that I know it. A few more pieces of the puzzle have clicked into place.

A few of the other ladies commented to me that I “seem to have it all together,” or that I should come back to Green Mountain and teach, because I “know my stuff.” Part of me says, “Yes, I do,” another part says, “Well, some of the time,” and a third part says, “Keep reading for proof that I absolutely do not have anything together at all.” And that is all true. (I am large. I contain multitudes.)

I was also able to take a cooking class mid-week. I’ve always wanted to take a cooking class, so much so that I took an online cooking course, but that’s not even remotely the same. Again, some of it was things I knew, but some of it was new. For instance, pretty much everything starts with lemon juice, garlic, and tamari, and instead of trying to pan fry meat, simply sear it in the skillet, then stick the whole thing into the oven so it will come out nice and juicy. I like to think of myself as a good cook, and I have more cookbooks than I know what to do with (literally–I think I have a couple of boxes of cookbooks in storage right now), but my cooking skills are not actually all that impressive, or at least not as impressive as I would like for them to be. And, once again, there are a lot of things that I know but don’t do. I wonder how long it will take for me to learn that lesson.

The food was all delicious, even though they served me tofu. You know how many times during my 60-day vegetarian experiment I ate tofu? About 8 times. SEVEN of them were at GMFR. I’m not really a fan. I will say that they made it taste acceptable enough that I ate it. Some of the non-tofu recipes were amazing, so much that I looked them up on the blog, or requested they put them on the blog, or write them down for me, or something, because YUM.

(Side note: Dar, I need you to send me those dressing recipes! You kept the master copy with all the notes! I need that tamari ginger dressing!)

There was also an evening cooking class, in addition to the extra cooking class I took, which was a lot of fun. Chefs Puck and Julio (Note: NOT their actual names) are a lot of fun, and they make some amazing pesto. Again, YUM.

In case you’re wondering, the food is not at all bland and/or sterile. The eating environment is routinized, though you do have some snack options available outside of the prescribed routine. The meals were well balanced, and a variety of cuisines were sampled throughout the week, from Thai fish (or bean, for us vegs) cakes to pasta to steak to french fries. Dessert was served every night after dinner. You were given just enough food to leave you full, but still ready in time for the next meal, and in no cases uncomfortably full.

Aside from the classes and the food and the daily exercises, a significant part of the experience was the other women. I quickly formed fast friendships with a few of the ladies, most notably Darlene (who is from way over on the other side of the continent, and a bit north) and Karen (who is practically my neighbor), and I enjoyed talking to everyone there. They had traveled from all over the country, and even a few of them from outside the US, to Green Mountain for this environment, for the experience of learning to care for themselves. There is something so utterly meaningful about sharing your experience with others; we learn in a very visceral way that we are all both the same and unique. Among all the shapes, sizes, ages, and life experiences represented at GMFR, the differences melt away. We were all there for the same reason, and it produced a beautiful, supportive environment.

Leaving Green Mountain was a strange experience. On the one hand, I felt that there was not much for me to learn there. On the other hand, I also felt that it was the ideal environment in which all of that knowledge–both what I had come with, and what I had gained while there–could sink in.

As it happened, I left Green Mountain and ate potato chips and peanut M&Ms most of the way home, then had a bit of a breakdown because I felt guilty and stupid for doing so. (Nothing but the truth, folks.)

Was I rebelling against the restriction I felt while at GMFR? We did not have a great amount of choice, other than Eat or Don’t Eat, or possibly Eat Some Fruit; and much of the time I felt like I was “supposed” to eat or not eat according to their rules.

Was it because I felt like I had wasted the experience by being my know-it-all self and writing off what they had to say? I can recall a few specific instances where I allowed my own experience and/or bias to cause me to tune out their message (e.g. dairy as a health food, because dairy makes me feel icky).

Was it because I’m still looking for a fix, and overall I still feel very “broken”? After all, if I really was fixed, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to give in to those potato chips and peanut M&Ms, right? (Yeah, I know. Can you say, “Diet Mentality”?)

I don’t think any of that is the point, and yet I know that all of it is.

I don’t know that I was open enough to receive the fullness of the GMFR message, particularly not in the short time I was there (GMFR is designed to be a multi-week course), but I have seen some of the overall messages seeping through into my life in the time since I’ve been home.

1. Diets don’t work. Diets are restrictive, and can cause rebellious behavior, even in non-rebellious types such as myself. I think the very reason that I was able to stick with Whole30 and with vegetarianism was because it didn’t feel like a diet; it felt like an experiment. I wasn’t looking for results, exactly, I was looking to see what happened, whatever happened. If history teaches me anything, it teaches me that the instant someone tells me I’m not allowed to have bananas, I want to eat all the bananas I can find (Hello, South Beach Diet!). And if I have restricted access to potato chips and peanut M&Ms, the instant that restriction is lifted I will seek them out.

Diet mentality is pervasive, insidious, and it’s going to take a lot longer than a week–or even 30 or 60 days–to work myself free from it.

2. You have to find what works for you, in all areas. Some people like aquatics, and some people like treadmills. Some people like lifting weights. Some people like rowing machines (that would be me). Some people don’t want to break a sweat. Some people want to eat chocolate every day. Some people like tofu (I don’t know any of those people, but surely they are out there somewhere). Some people skip meals (not me). Some people drink tea, and some people drink coffee. Some people have it all figured out, and some people don’t.

Except no one really has it all figured out. No one.

3. You have to start where you are and work with what you’ve got. We’re all starting from different places, different health statuses, different emotional understandings, different everythings. You can’t start from somewhere else. You can’t wait for conditions to be perfect before you begin. You do what you can with what you have from where you are. Maybe tomorrow you’ll do a little more, have a little more to work with, be somewhere a little different.

But you’ll never get anywhere if you don’t start.

So, was my experience at Green Mountain at Fox Run everything I had hoped for and more? Yes and no. I’m not “cured.” I’m not a completely different person. I did not miraculously drop the extra 100 pounds I carry in one amazing week (for the record, I lost about 5, even after the mini-binge on the way home and a day in the car).

As with FitBloggin, I feel now as if I held myself back. Why do I do that? Is it fear, of moving forward, of change, or becoming something different and unknown? Is it fear of losing my place in the world as I know it, my place as an overweight woman, as a weight loss blogger? Is it fear of what I will expect of myself if I were to drop the weight?  Is it fear that I will get it wrong, that this path that I feel is so very right in this moment will turn out to lead me exactly back to where I am (after all, the decisions I have made in the past have felt right when I made them, and yet they brought me here)?

But I did learn during my time at Green Mountain. One of my life philosophies is that life presents us with the same situations over and over until we learn the lessons we need to learn from them. Perhaps the bigger lesson for me here is how and why I prevent myself from learning, from participating, from giving my all. From being my all. How and why do I not take advantage of every single opportunity, every single moment I’m given? More importantly, how do I change that? How do I go from self-aggrandized restraint to full bore participation? 

Solution: I start where I’m at, I work with what I have, and I find what works for me.

So no, ladies, I do not have it all figured out. Not even close. But I do know a little more about how to figure it out, and a little more about what it is that I need to figure out.

And that’s as good of a starting point as I’m ever likely to see.

Tomorrow morning I’m having my blood drawn to have panels run. Basic stuff, cholesterol, triglycerides, iron, whatever else the regular panel tests.

Tomorrow I will probably indulge in something wholly unhealthy for lunch.

And then I’m abandoning my #100DayChipQuest and going back to paleo.

Photo by Bilal Kamoon via flickr

Why the change of heart?

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past weeks, some of which was inspired by my time at Green Mountain at Fox Run (yes, I realize I owe you a post on that … I promise it’s coming–Also, shout out to my GMFR buddies, especially Julia, Dar, and the Chocoholic! Heya ladies!), and some of which was just me rolling things around in my brain.

Here’s the deal: I do not feel that continuing on this vegetarian path will benefit me. I would be better served by altering my course.

1. I thought I needed the accomplishment of meeting the goal, but at this point I don’t think I do. I know I could do it if I chose to.

2. That elusive ideal diet I was struggling to reach? That’s pretty much how I ate at GMFR (with the addition of a lot of tofu). And you know what? I felt WORSE. I was plagued with headaches the entire week.

3. The couple of times I have eaten eggs over the past weeks, I felt BETTER. What does that tell you?

4. Even though the paleo diet did not give me all of the results I was looking for, like an improvement in sleep quality or alleviation of my skin conditions, it DID rid me of a few negatives, like PMS, food cravings, constant hunger, headaches, and indigestion. Also–and this is perhaps a bit TMI here–my period has pretty much disappeared since going veg. That’s not exactly a complaint, especially coming from someone who has suffered from menorrhagia since Period 1, but it doesn’t seem exactly healthy, either.

5. My diet was less processed and contained more fruits and vegetables while I was eating paleo (ironic, no?).

6. Even under ideal circumstances, I have no intention of living the rest of my life as a vegetarian. Not gonna happen, especially not without some undeniable, amazing results.

So if my goal is to find not just the healthiest diet, but the one that makes me feel the best, and the one that I am able to incorporate into my life, and if I already know that eating a vegetarian diet does not make me feel my best and is not easy to incorporate, then why am I continuing down this path?

It’s time to stop beating the dead horse.

I do not expect a huge improvement in my cholesterol or other blood panel numbers from tomorrow’s test, because my diet has not been super clean. In fact, since my last test in late 2011, my diet has been all over the place, so who knows what the numbers will be? I am taking the test tomorrow to establish a baseline, from which I can see improvements made from here on out.

Today is Day 60, and tomorrow is Day 1.

And it’s frustrating, because what can we do? What can I do to change the world?

I am shaken today, shaken to my core by what happened in Boston.

I have friends who live in Boston. I know people who were running the Boston Marathon yesterday. I know a lot of runners.

This is so senseless to me, because I do know a lot of runners, and, as a whole, they have been the most encouraging, welcoming, supportive group of people I know. This makes no sense.

What can I do to change the world?

Changing the world may or may not be in my future, but regardless, any change I create must start with my world.

Today I am searching out races. I am slipping on my running shoes. I’m hitting the trail during my lunch break. I may be slow. I may be overweight. I may take some walk breaks. But I am a runner.

Today, we are all runners.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I spoke to my trainer on Thursday morning about my conundrum, and although he did not tell me what to do, he did help me find my answer.

You have to understand something: I am not used to meeting dietary goals, even short-term or seemingly easy ones. In fact, the only diet-related challenge I ever recall meeting was completing the Whole30 earlier this year. For the previous decades of my life, I would set goals for months, weeks, even as little as a few days, and I would fall short.

So now, with the Whole30 experience under my belt, I recognize that meeting these goals is possible, but I’m not yet stable in my faith that I can replicate that feat. In other words, I don’t trust myself to meet my goals.

While I’m not getting the results I want from a vegetarian diet, and in fact I am experiencing a few negative side effects, the conundrum is this:

Do I need the accomplishment of meeting this goal more than I need the results I would get from changing direction?

Granted, even if I would change direction, I am not guaranteed the results I want.  If I change direction and still don’t get the desired results, will I regret not completing the challenge? Would not meeting this goal set me back on the road to building my self-trust?

The other part of it comes down to something Trainer Tim asked me: do I feel that I’ve put in 100% effort towards my goal? No, I absolutely do not. While it is true that I’m eating a vegetarian diet, I do not attribute my lack of weight loss or any of the other negatives I’ve experienced to the absence of meat in my diet. All of the negatives I am experiencing, including the lack of results, are because I am not eating a high-quality diet, regardless of the meat vs. plant content. I cannot definitively say that my ideal plant-based diet does not work for me, because I have not yet tried my ideal plant-based diet.

So, where does all of that leave me?

I’m going to finish the 100 Day Vegetarian Challenge I set for myself. This decision is based primarily on the mental/emotional component, because I think I need to prove to myself that I can do it, to stockpile some Wins. I need to see this through, especially since I’m already almost half way there.

But instead of just half-assing my way through the final weeks, I’m raising the bar for the final six weeks.

Next week I will be at Green Mountain, and while I have requested a vegetarian meal plan,  I will not be entirely in control of what I eat. I’m sure it will be healthy, so I’m not worried about that, but I am not going to attempt to make any drastic changes to my overall style of eating while I am there. (Then again, who knows what changes are going to take place in my brain and my body next week; I might come home a completely different person, and none of this will be relevant.)

Once I come back, however, there are going to be some changes. For the final six weeks of my #100DayChipQuest, I’m going to Eat to Live. For me to truly determine if this style of eating works for me, I’ve got to actually do it, and Eat to Live and Eat For Health are about as close to the ideal in my head as I’m going to get, so that’s what I’m aiming for.

This is something I need to do, and I need to do it right. Only once I am fully compliant with that type of program can I honestly evaluate the effects it has on me. The only way to know if it works is to actually do it. So I’m going to do it.

If, after the six weeks are over, I don’t like the effects, I’ll change it up again. But I think I would be cheating myself if I gave up without ever really trying, and even though my brain can find excuses and justify any decision I make, I would know that in reality I just gave up.

I’m done giving up.

Oh, March! I can’t believe it’s already April. We’re 1/4 of the way through the year!

I don’t think that March was particularly kind to me in terms of goals, or rather, I don’t think I was particularly kind to myself. I guess there’s something to work on for April!

This being the end of the first quarter and all, I think it’s a good time to re-evaluate my goals, and whether I think they’re still achievable for the year. Some of them are absolutely doable, while some of them maybe not so much.

In any case, let’s get right to it!

Goals

1. Read 50 books

In March I only managed to read (finish, actually, as I had started 2 of them in February) 3 actual books. But it’s ok, because one of them was Guy Gavriel Kay’s River of Stars, and that one was both long and worth savoring.

I also read a total of 4 shorts, plus I had 2 carryovers for a total of 6, and since 3=1, I get credit for 2. If you can follow my completely random and arbitrary math, that brings me to 5 books for the month, and 19 books for the year. I think I’m right on track to hit my goal of 50 books this year. I’ll likely go over by a few, but not too many.

Progress: 19/50

2. Lose 60 pounds

If you judge the month of March based on what I weighed April 1st, the month was almost a total bust: I lost 0.2 pounds. However, that number is skewed by April 1st falling the day after Easter (by which I mean, I ate a lot on Sunday and didn’t drink enough water), and also by PMS. For the vast majority of March, I was actually bouncing between 246-247, which, while still not an amazing loss for an entire month, is more than 0.2. Ah well. April will catch up.

The good news is that even though I didn’t lose a significant amount of pounds, my fancy schmancy measures everything scale tells me that my body fat percentage dropped, while my muscle percentage increased, and I lost about 3.5 inches. Plus, you know, PANTS!

While I still think it’s absolutely possible to hit my goal of losing 60 pounds this year, I feel like I definitely need to change things up a bit and really get going again. I want to talk with my trainer about a few ideas I have, and then stay tuned for another post on that later this week.

Progress: 9.4/60

3. Run 500 miles

Well, my running miles did take a definite upswing this month. In fact, in March I ran as many miles as I had in January and February combined. Unfortunately, it was still a rather pitiful number: 18 miles. In a month.

I started off strong with Running 101, and then I allowed life to get in the way. For the past two weeks, I’ve only gotten in one run per week. That’s not enough for improvement, and it’s certainly not going to get me to 500 miles this year.

This week it is going to be impossible for me to get in 3 runs (if I’m lucky–which I’m generally not–I’ll get in 2), as I’m on the road every day for work, unexpectedly. I should be good for next week, and then we’ll go from there.

I still have the goal of running a sub-40 5k by the end of May, and I think I’m in ok shape for hitting that target. But I’m backing off of my “500 miles in 2013″ goal and bringing it down to a more realistic 300. That’s still a lot, and it will still be a challenge for me. If I hit this goal, I’ll aim for 500 next year.

Progress: 36/300

4. Save $3000

I actually did pretty well on savings in March … until I didn’t. I had a legitimate emergency: a nail in my tire.  I reached into my emergency fund to cover that expense, which is EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS FOR. And while that little mishap basically negated the progress I made at the beginning of March, I have some mileage reimbursements from work coming my way from all of the traveling I’ve been doing recently (including this week) which should cover what I took out, so I will be back on track by the end of April.

Progress: 940/3000

5. Pay off debt

I paid off about another 10%, and I went back and figured out my original numbers, so I can actually measure my progress on this now. What’s more, I figured out a plan for both my savings and paying off the rest of my debt this year, so while I probably won’t have a dramatic increase in both debt reduction and savings in the same month, I think I am still on track for hitting both of these goals by the end of the year, if not before.

Progress: 59.75%

6. Complete 1st draft of novel

As I did in February, I started out March strong on the writing front, and then I fizzled out. I don’t know why I’ve been so scattered this month. Everything has just felt so very random, including my focus and my emotions. In any case, I did not get a significant amount of writing done. I think that at some point I’m going to have to get back into the habit of writing every single day, even if it’s just a sentence or two, because that is when I have historically done the best. It takes me at least a month of focus to get into this habit, but it only takes a few days to fall out of it. This is definitely going to be tough, but I know that once I get going, I’ll be fine. I just need to get going.

I almost feel like I need to hold off on this. You know how they say if you try to focus on too many goals at once, you won’t achieve any of them? Well, maybe that is true in this case. I certainly feel like it’s at the bottom of my priority list right now. I’d rather run, or read, or sleep, or do a million other things. Is this procrastination? Is this fear? (Tangent: Is procrastination fear? Hmm… )

Progress: Insignificant. (How do I measure this if I don’t know the measure of the end result?)

7. Write childrens book

Again, nada. This is going to be as easy as blocking out a chunk of time to do it. Unfortunately, that’s the hard part.

Progress: 0%

8. Visit Falling Waters
9. Take Daughter to zoo
10. Take Daughter to Children’s Museum

Nope, not yet. April is a pretty busy month, so the first one of these will likely take place in May. I’m not worried about these.

Progress: 0/3

11. Blog twice per week

• February Goals Review
• Running 101: Week 1
• America’s Favorite
• My Weight Philosophy (This is one of my most popular posts ever, as well as one of my favorites)
• Running 101: Week 2
• Being Vegetarian
• Looking Back, Moving Forward
• The NSV and the Emergency Fund
• An Update, Of Sorts
• Pros and Cons

Wow, TEN blog posts from me this month!?! I think I’m getting the hang of this …

Progress: 13/13 (weeks, that is)

12. No soda

13. No fast food

So far, so good!

Progress: 13/13

Okay, that was kind of depressing. I felt like I did a lot during March, but I don’t feel like I accomplished much, so I was just spinning my wheels for nothing. Ugh. There are a number of goals that haven’t really gone anywhere, and though I have my reasons, that’s starting to bug me. After all, we’re 1/4 way through the year–doesn’t that means I should have made progress on something? This view makes me feel a bit stagnant. Ugh again.

My schedule for April–both at work and in my personal life–is jam-packed, but I should be able to make some decent progress on a few of my goals, and then we’ll pick it up a bit more in May. That’s the plan, anyway.

Resolution Progress

To actively search for my own ideal health, diet, fitness, and lifestyle, whatever that means, and to define them on my own terms.

Yeah, that totally didn’t happen in April. Except I guess that it did, because I am learning about myself via the #100DayChipQuest Vegetarian Challenge I have undertaken. In Pros and Cons, I talked about the negative side effects I’m experiencing, and honestly, I’m considering ending this challenge and moving on to a new experiment. I seriously feel that gross, which makes me think that I’m doing it wrong (much as I did with Whole30). I’m still debating which way I want to go here, and at least until I make a final decision, I’m continuing with my vegetarian challenge.

In every other area aside from diet, I totally did not search for my ideal lifestyle. Unless you count daydreaming, in which case I’m a rock star (not literally, because I wouldn’t enjoy that at all, but, you know … I kick ass at daydreaming).

Word of the Year

TRUST.

Hmm. I don’t even know what to say here. I didn’t have any great epiphanies of self-trust. Is that because I didn’t trust myself, or because I’m getting better at it? I don’t know.

I trusted myself enough at the gym to lift weights without the trainer a couple of times. I trusted myself enough to earn a few PRs, both with weights and with running.

Outside of the gym, I don’t feel that I made any significant progress. I haven’t felt focused at all this month, on anything, which means that I haven’t pushed myself to make any progress, and that shows in the results I got.

Then again, I didn’t do terribly bad this month. There was some life stress thrown my way, and I held my own. I can be proud of that.

On the Docket for April

As I mentioned, on Thursday morning I will talk to my trainer about mixing things up to get my weight loss moving again. Reimbursements from work should get my savings moving again. I’ve got my debt plan, well, planned. I have no intention of going on any of my day trips this month, or of drinking soda or eating fast food.

I doubt the children’s book will happen this month, but I’m setting a goal of scheduling time for it, even if that time is in July (which is likely, now that I think about it).

As for my own book … I think perhaps I will back off the pressure on that until May, because I know I’m not going to have the time or focus for it in April, and not hitting that goal yet again will only serve to make me feel bad. It’s simply not my top priority right now. Perhaps once I get my weight loss, diet, running, and finances dialed I will have enough head space for writing again. So, be prepared for an Every Day In May writing challenge.

In terms of other, random things I’ve got going on this month, this is my CRAZY month for work, by which I mean I’ve got deadlines every single day. Every. Single. Day. And I’m the only one working on them. Oh, and I’m also on the road every day this week working on something entirely different. Which means that I have to get extensions for this week’s deadlines, although I did half of them last week even before knowing I’d be on the road this week, because …

Next week I’m going to Green Mountain at Fox Run. OH YEAH! (I obviously wasn’t thinking about all the deadlines when I scheduled this.) I don’t even have the words to describe how excited I am about this. Expect lots of thinky, introspective blogging in the weeks ahead.

And then I’m coming back to more deadlines, a possible Wild Warrior Challenge (I haven’t decided if I’m going to do it–anyone want to come join me and make the decision easy?), a few more deadlines, a fancy wedding that I need to find a dress for, both of my parents’ birthdays, and some more deadlines just for kicks. Hopefully there will be some running and lifting in there somewhere.

At the very least, the weather is starting to warm up, and daffodils and crocuses are popping out everywhere. Spring is here, and spring is my favorite time of year. Even more so than New Year’s, spring is a time of renewal, and a chance for us to choose our path forward.

Here’s to forging a new path.