My Tribute to Matt Morrell

Vineman

2010-12-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

So Becca (new girlfriend) and I drove up to Santa Rosa together the day before the event and picked up packets and set up transition zones and all that sort of thing. It was a bit confusing since there were two different transition zones and I didn’t know about that. I ended up calling Sandy who did a KILLER job of coordinating all my friends to be at the right spots at the right times for the race. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do it and she made sure that everyone found each other at the various times they showed up. She also picked Becca up in the morning to take her to the swim, bike, and run areas and kept her company and entertained for a lot of the day. The night before the race is kind of a blur. I wasn’t really that nervous. I knew it would suck, so there was no need to get nervous. I slept with no problems.

I woke up right on time and packed everything up and headed to the swim. I got there super early and got a good parking spot. I went down to the swim start area. I ran into some Ironteam people – some were cool, some ignored me, some were indifferent. I met a cool guy at the swim start and we talked till the start and kept our minds off of what was about to go down. I wasn’t really nervous and had decided to just have fun out there. The swim starts and I am going along at my pace, which means being at the back and continuously getting passed by tons and tons of swimmers. In the shallow areas I ended up running instead of swimming and I just swam at my pace and actually had a really good experience. I come out of the water just over 2 hours, which was better than I expected since I hadn’t trained in the water since Feb.

I come out of the water and look for my friends and I see my sign that Becca had made for me and I got a warm rush over me. I took my time switching into my bike gear and the whole bike zone was pretty much empty, so it was easy to find my stuff. I had forgotten to mention this before, but I broke my tri-bike a few days before the race so I was stuck using my road bike. I also forgot to mention that I had gained 15 lbs since Wildflower.

So, I get on the bike and feel good and confident. Unfortunately, that was the last good moment of the race. I start drinking out of my bottles, which both have Carbo-pro in them. I get sick to my stomach immediately. I had used Carbo-pro 200 times before, but this time it hits me wrong. I keep trying to drink it for 2 hours and I can’t get any of it down. So, that is 4 hours at race pace with no food or water. I stop at the next rest stop and drink a gallon of Gatorade straight in one sitting. I look like I am pregnant and I am not processing the water. Bad idea. That is when the cramping and dry-heaving starts. I push on thinking about what the guy told me at the swim start: “if it sucks it will only get better”. Liar.

In the mean time, during the first 2 hours of the bike ride I did get to do some good things. I saw a woman who was clearly frustrated and had a flat. She had used all her tubes and was stuck at the beginning of the ride. I stopped to give her a hand and a tube. She knew how to change a tube, but not how to look for the cause of the flat. I get her fixed up and on the road again. Then I came across another rider that didn’t know how to change a flat and so I stopped to change hers for her too. They were both from states away and spent all year training for the race and had their whole families there for them. I am glad that I stopped to help them as they both would have been out of the race otherwise. The last helping hand I gave was to a little mole that was trying to cross the road. He was super cute and barely weeble-wobbling across the road. I knew he would get run over so I blocked the part of the road he was on till he made it to the other side. I probably spent 20-30 minutes helping people and animals, but I am glad that I did in the long run.

So, I am riding and riding and getting slower and slower. The cramps are coming and going and I am a mess. I finally catch Kathryn at the end of the second lap, which should never have been the case. No disrespect to her, but I am a vastly superior rider. She was actually shocked to see me that late in the race and even caught me once before the end of the ride. I told her that I was proud of her for riding so well. During the last 5 miles of the bike I was cramping incredibly bad. I didn’t know if I would make it the last mile – it was really excruciating. It takes me 20 minute just to change shoes and shorts.

I start the run a complete wreck. I pass by Becca, Linsey, Chris, Mollie, and Sandy. Sandy sees what a mess I am and comes out with me on the course. I can’t say this strongly enough: Sandy REALLY saved my bacon. Keep in mind she has her own training and race to focus on, as well as a ton of other friends out there and she still jumped out there immediately to run with me for 16 miles. It was incredible. I don’t know many people that have a friend like Sandy. She literally fed me food and water the whole time and kept me moving forward and kept my pace up. She really motivated me and kept her eye on the time to make sure I made the time cutoff for finishing the second lap. It was super close and I would not have made it without her. I can’t express the pain I endured to make it those 2 laps in time.

After the second lap Sandy had to bail. Seeing my friends there made a huge difference and Meghan, Frankie’s girlfriend, jumped in to help me out. Sandy I get – she knows I am good to repay a favor. Meghan barely knows me and isn’t a runner. She kept me going the whole time. And WOW she can talk. I am crazy indebted to her, and will be sending her an email in a moment to remind her of my gratitude months after the fact. At the end of the second lap I passed Kathryn and and made a joke about us finishing together anyway (as we had planned to do months before), and I didn’t realize that started a race between us. She ended up passing me on the third lap. I initially wanted to chase her down, but with all the bad blood that we had going already I decided to let her go and enjoy her victory and let myself suffer at my own pace with my new friend beside me. The funny thing is that I had never expected to be out after dark so I didn’t bring a head-lamp and was out there stumbling around in the dark.

The last lap was sheer misery. I kept going because of the promises that I had made and the fact that I never quit. Ever. I run the last mile and cross the finish line a complete mess. I can barely stand. The people that hand out the medals are gone already. Mollie had snagged me a medal and a shirt, which I will treasure forever. I crossed in the vicinity of 16:30. I still haven’t gotten a straight answer as to whether I am an official finisher or not. At this point I consider the race a failure. I got what I paid for in training currency. I thank the people that were there for me at the finish and Becca and I load up my stuff and she drove me home. She was a real trooper for being there the WHOLE day and driving me home and then taking care of me that night and the next couple days. I will always owe her for her support.

I finished, which I take pride in, but I am definitely going to have a rematch.

From Wildflower to Vineman

2010-12-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

After Wildflower there was a lot of personal issues and drama that took place. I will gloss over the details. Anyway, Kathryn and I were having issues and that really distracted me from training. I got very depressed and ultimately ended up on and off medication. The issues turned to break-ups, getting back together, some inbetween time, and eventually we devolved into not even being friends and I quit the team to keep the peace. It was sad to quit the team and to not finish what I had started, and it was sad not to do the race with Kathryn like we had planned. It is what it is.

In doing so there was a discrepancy over the room costs for Clear Lake, which was a training weekend. Kathryn and I finally split over Clear Lake and Josh was supposed to take my room. Being the douchebag that he is, he never showed up. Kathryn had told me she would work it out and that never happened and Mike Kyle decided to act like a nutcase with me, so I finally let him have it. Seriously, at Mike’s age he ought to know how to act like an adult, but I guess he felt that he needed to crucify someone and I got to be the lucky recipient. Mike and many others decided to “take sides” in my breakup with Kathryn, though I never asked any of them to. It is too bad that people decided that they needed to take action, but it showed me the true character of people and made me thankful to purge false friends.

So, time passed and I wasn’t really training at all. I did a few long bike rides until about May and then pretty much stopped training at all. I focused on getting my life back together early on, then I got a new girlfriend that I was focused on, and then lost my job and was focused on finding a new one. All in all, it wasn’t the best time.

After not running for 3 months, I decided it would be a great idea to run 24 miles off-road the week before my Ironman. I went there with the intention of watching and endedup grabbing my stuff out of my trunk and signing up at the last minute. It went better than I thought it would and I got some good confidence out of it, but I don’t think that was the best idea overall. I did discover a love for trail running though, and might have gotten a little respect from Jeanette, my new BFF, who also did the race (she did the 50K).

First Triathlon!

2010-03-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

Wow! That is all that I can say. I am just now getting my head around the fact that I am now a triatlete.

In November I saw the Wildflower practice race on the schedule and it scared the Hell out of me. I could barely swim more than 10 meters at a time, and swimming 1.2 miles seemed like an insurmountable challenge to me. I am all about taking on a big challenge, and I am known for biting off more than I can chew and just swallowing it whole (figuratively and literally). However, I had some serious doubts that I would be able to pull this off by March.

Since March I have put in lots of morning and lunch time swims and gotten coaching from several sources. Basically, I worked hard. I got better and better and hit different milestones along the way. I do have to admit that life got in the way of swimming over the past month and I haven't done a lot of it. I am a bit ashamed of it, but I did a little shuffling and have found ways to give swimming the attention that it deserves.

Anyway, here is the run-down of the weekend: Kathryn and I worked stuff out and were going to ride down with Nate and Michelle, but it turned out that they didn't have a bike rack for our tri-bikes. I couldn't let my baby (Robin, not Kathryn) ride in the back of a truck unsupported, so we decided to drive separately. That worked out for the best because there is no way all of our stuff would have fit in 1 truck anyway.

We had planned to come down on Thursday after work, but then I decided to come Friday morning instead. Kathryn was really looking forward to going on Thursday night, so I decided to take one for the team and head down after a bike ride on Thursday. That bike ride took almost an hour extra because of all the problems I kept finding and fixing on my bike. I am glad I found them on the pre-ride and not in the race. It did put us on the road a lot later than planned though. We made it to camp a little after 11 even with an IHOP stop. I was exhausted, and we tiptoed into the RV to avoid waking anyone.

I slept terribly. I was freezing and there was a lot of noise and I only got a little sleep despite taking sleeping pills. I was uber-grumpy the next morning and needed a lot of alone time. I know that added stress to other people as well. I was supposed to pre-drive the course with Nate, but instead I took more sleeping pills and took a nap. That helped a lot. The rest of Sat was spent getting myself and other's equipment ready, hanging out a little, and eating. People are making fun of my dinner. I am eating dried fruit and nuts. I need to get "cleaned out" and I also want some dense calories in me from a natural source.

Sunday morning we are woken up to bagpipes on a boom-box. Dave is walking around the campsite using it to wake people up. HE took special interest in our camper circling several times while Kathryn giggled like a kindergartener that just said her first bad word. We all get up and I feel pretty good. I slept well and I start the process.

My nutrition plan from the night before works like a champ. Use your imagination. I drink a large amount of bloody mary mix to get in a lot of electrolytes, and eat an assortment of foods. We pack up and head to set up transition.

When we get out of the car I am shocked by how cold it is. My hands hurt with gloves on. I am seriously considering not starting because of the cold. I know my bike ride is going to be miserable since I am just wearing a tri-suit. I decide that I will wear gloves and that I will race.

I get everything set up pretty well and put on my wetsuit. I head down the rocky descent to the dock and get ready to swim. I just in the water with everyone else and it doesn't feel as cold as some of the water we have been in. After waiting an eternity we finally start. I pass a bunch of swimmers, but that doesn't last long. I need to be able to swim like I do in the first 100 for the entire race. Training! Anyway, I settle into a slow swim but I am pushing myself a little and I feel good. We get to the turn-around sooner than I expected. I feel good, though it is obvious I haven't been swimming enough. I get passed by the French weirdo from the South Bay team. He is about 60 with the biggest goggles I have ever seen. He looks like Jacques Cousteau.

I get back to the dock and I am not the last one out, which makes me a little happy. I follow my plan and run up the hill and across the parking lot while stripping the wetsuit. My time in transition is WICKED fast - less than a minute. I leave on the tri-suit and put on my helmet, sunglasses, shoes, and gloves. I jump on the bike and haul ass. I welcome the hills to warm me up some and I am catching and passing some of the fastest swimmers already. I FLY down the downhill and then it hits.

I have debated how to tell this story for a while. I decided to just be open about it. I was frostbitten about 15 years ago while running in Michigan in sub-zero weather. I won't dance around it - my penis was severely frostbitten. It was so bad when it happened that I passed out from the pain.

Fast forward - I am flying downhill in wet, thin clothing with temps in the 40's with a crazy cold wind-chill. I had planned on being cold in my hands, feet, and face and had accepted that. Moby, on the other hand, was not a consideration. On a 1-10 pain scale it was a 10. It felt like I had a blowtorch to my wedding tackle. I stopped pedaling, then pulled over, and eventually was balled up on the side of the road. The pain got worse and worse and I was not functional. I admit, I was balling. Not from the pain, but from the prospect of not finishing for the first time in my life. I decide to wait it out on the side of the road for as long as it took.

The Tri-Cal girl comes by in her truck to pick me up. I refuse telling her I don't want to quit. She tells me that if I go back to transition that it will be like a really long T1. I decide that is acceptable. I go back there and get in my own truck and put the heat on max. Dan gives me his coat and Dave orders me to "rub on it a little". After a long wait I get to the point where it doesn't hurt that bad and I am able to continue. Dan gives me a washcloth to use as a wind screen and I stuff it down my suit.

I take off with Dave and leave my timing equipment behind. I am out of contention at this point. I have a nice ride with Dave for the first 20 miles. We talk about all kinds of things and enjoy the area. We get to the first rest stop and he stops to talk to folks and do coach-like things. We hang out for 15 minutes or so and I learn that I am in danger of missing the first time cut-off, so I take off and race to the 30 mile checkpoint. I am fired up at this point and absolutely blazing fast.

I keep going past the checkpoint and I am feeling great and riding hard. I decide that I want to catch Kathryn who has a huge lead and so I keep pushing. I am not killing myself, but I am going fast and loving it. I only make one stop for water and even pee on the bike to save time.

I find out that Kathryn was told that I might have quit due to hypothermia. I HAVE to catch her at this point so she doesn't think I am a quitter. Anyway, I catch her with a few miles left after having a great ride up and down Nasty Grade. I find out that she had needed me and had been looking for me. She called me a "punk butt" which is Kathryn-ese for "glad to see you are OK". I keep going and finish the bike feeling awesome and I wait for her in transition.

We do the run together. I am way far behind the leaders and I decided it would be nice to support her and run with her instead of by myself. We run/walk/hike. I feel spectacular the whole time and really enjoyed the course. She is hurting. Carbo Pro is not her friend. She keeps going though and we make the best of it. By this point common courtesy is out the window and body functions are out in the open. Good bonding stuff.

We get to Lynch, which is a steep downhill for a mile or so leading to the finish. It hits me that I am about to finish my first triathlon, and she is going to do her first half on a course that bested her a couple years before. I get a little emotional and I become thankful that I am able to finish side by side with my best friend. I love that she was able to be there with me when I finished something so important to me, and vice versa.

We finish together, and then go about talking to people, eating, taking ice baths in the cold lake and eventually heading back for dinner and all kinds of craziness that night.

It was a great experience for me and I am happy that I was forced to take a step back and "train" the course instead of "race" it. I got to have fun and share an experience that I will never forget. I got to look at myself in incredible pain and know that there is no way that I won't finish my Ironman. I am super confident and super happy. I am 1/2 Iron.

Side note: I am incredibly happy that Carolyn "won". She is such a great team-mate and I am proud to be on the same team with her. A sadder note: my close friend and team-mate Nate had a serious injury and was forced to pull out. I hated to see that and I have my fingers crossed that it is a temporary setback and the he recovers fast.

Turning point

2010-03-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

This past weekend started with an open water swim in the Bay at Aquatic Park. WOW - that was nasty. I had heard a lot of people complain about swimming there, but I didn't know why. I like salty stuff, so I thought this would be a tasty experience. The water was the worst thing that has ever gone in my mouth. However, I did the whole swim, and it was the furthest I have ever gone.

We ran afterwards and I quickly fell ill. I am not sure if it was swallowing too much water or swimming in waves - which I have been told can make you sick. Anyway, I ran/walked/puked for the next 1.75 hours. It was a disappointing day because I really wanted to get a long run in. Anyone that has been around me has seen my spirits sink. My athletic performance and training have been suffering, and I have had a lot of personal stress to deal with. Basically, I was pretty beat up.

Sunday we went for a long bike ride - a 62 miler on the Marin Century course. Michelle and I were both running late and so I drove us out there - after a 20 minute search for my truck keys that were in my pocket. It was really nice to have someone to go with. I had some terrible nightmares the night before and got little sleep.

We got to the parking lot late and I wasn't all there and it took a long time to get started. The rest of the group probably had 20-30 minutes on me at this point. I take off and within 5 miles I catch up to 5-10 of them helping Sara get her rear tire fixed. I stop to lend a hand and put the wheel back on. She makes it about a mile before she flats again. I discover a torn sidewall from a defective tire. Her ride is done. The rest of the group takes off and I hang with Sara till her boyfriend comes to get her. It was heart-breaking to see her ride ended so short since she really wanted to do it. It was going to be the longest ride she had ever done. I waited for a while and then Dave and a few other staff members show up. They tell me to take off just as Gabe was pulling up to get Sara.

I take off and all is well for about another mile. I am really attacking a twisty downhill section and I hear a noise. I decide to stop and check it out, and sure enough I am getting a slow-ish flat. A few more turns and I would have rolled the tire and been writing this from a hospital. I also had a sidewall tear - guess they are catchy. I stop to fix it. Dave and crew catch up. He eats a gu and gives me the package to use as a boot. It works and we are on our way. I ride with Dave and Nick for a good 15 miles or so. I am not pushing too hard and enjoying riding with people. We get to the base of a big hill and my manhood is attacked by a serious leg-shavin', tri-bikin' tri-geek. I chase after him. Dave and Nick think I am a 'tard. I am OK with that. I LOVE to chase. I give him the what-for up the hill and we catch Maria and Erin near the top. I ride with the dude for a while and then catch Les and Sis. I get directions from them and keep going.

I see a group in green and follow them. It was a road that Les had mentioned, but I went the wrong way. I thought I was following Kinion's group, but it was really a group of Taleo riders. They were about a mile ahead of me and it took me 13 miles to catch them. By the time I got close enough to realize it wasn't my guys I was WAYYYY off course (man they were fast!!).

I go to get my paper directions and find that I have lost them too. So....my iPhone and me set off to make it back. I end up all over the place - even on a dirt/mud road for a while. I am scared that I will flat again since I am out of fixing supplies. I end up in a standoff with a crazy looking wild dog that is in the middle of the dirt road. I get off the bike and walk it past him in case he attacks. We give each other the stink-eye but neither of us attacks. Phew.

Back on the bike and navigating my way around. I am making good time and feeling strong. I am out of water and out of food, but still OK. I am about 5 miles from the car when Google Maps keeps putting me into an endless loop. I am tired and frustrated at this point and I keep adding miles. I finally say fuck it and ride my bike on Hwy 101 for a few miles. 2 Hwy Patrol pass me and don't do anything. It was scary, but I didn't want to have to call for a ride.

I make it to the school and I am relieved that people are there waiting for me, especially a couple people in particular. Sara comes in shortly after I do and I find out she got a new tire and did her ride. I am so happy for her! I change, drink, eat and hang out with teamies till everyone finishes. I felt great though. I was super strong on the ride and could have run right after my 85 mile ride. It was very confidence inspiring.

A small group goes to lunch. Fun but awkward. Michelle and I have a fun ride home, filled with r'tard sightings and good conversation and a couple of detours. It was the first time I had really gotten a good chance to talk to her one on one and she is super cool. I am so lucky to have been able to make such good friends this way. I wish I had been a part of TNT for years now.

One additional note - I ran 6 miles yesterday and felt awesome! I feel like my body and mind have really come together and I can't wait for the race this weekend. I got a major source of stress taken care of and all those bad training sessions seem to be coming together.

redefining myself

2010-03-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

I saw myself on Saturday. Well, I saw a side of myself, but it was a side that I didn't know existed. People often have a rolling definition of themselves, and others, and everything for that matter. It is like a personal Wikipedia where some definitions are static and others are dynamic and constantly being updated.

I had to re-define myself, at least for the moment, with the term: quitter. That scared me.

We started with the swim, and it all went well till I swam too far and added a considerable amount to my swim. I kept going, but I stopped pushing myself. In all honesty, I was really enjoying the swim. On the first bike portion I decided to go for a ride by myself. I knew before the day started that I needed some alone time on the bike instead of being on the trainer. It went well enough, but there were no metrics to judge by.

Then we got to the first run. I have lost another 10 lbs and was feeling pretty good. I was off the front and planning to give the fasties a run for their money. I was, and I was feeling great - like I had a lot more to give. Then, I just kinda slowed down and turned around. On the way back I picked it up close to the end - where I could have easily sprinted to the finish. Instead, I just stopped running and jogged in slowly.

We moved over to hill repeats on the bike. A few days before I was killing it on the short hill repeats like this. I should have owned this. I did a slow one to get to know the hill, and was feeling good. I did a couple fast ones that I bet were pretty fast overall, and then I caught Nate, whom I was hoping to race up the hill. Nate got really fast when nobody was looking and I wanted to get my crown back. Anyway, we take off and I have a LOT more in my legs and I am just slightly ahead. Then - I just stop peddaling. I just didn't feel like fighting anymore. I turn around mid-hill defeated and wondering what is going on with me. I go to the bottom to race someone else. Simon is there and I decide to give it another go. Same thing - and we weren't even going hard. At this point I am wondering what is going on with me. My body feels fine, but my brain just isn't cooperating.

We get done and go to the next run. I only go about 7 (of 10) minutes out and then a group is heading back and I jump on to be able to run with someone else. I am feeling good. Towards the end BK and the Clingon take off right about the point I would usually start my sprint. I figured that would be a big confidence booster. Guess what? I quit again. I walk the rest of the way in. People are cheering people on as they finish and ignore me, thankfully, as I hang my head in shame.

I proceed to pig out on questionably edible food, not caring about my diet. I eat like crap the whole rest of the weekend and spend most of Sunday in bed skipping my run.

I had to edit my personal definition of myself and add: quitter.

I know it wasn't a race, and I hadn't gotten much sleep, had a lot of stress, perhaps not enough water....blah blah blah....but those are all excuses. I have continued to fight when the chips were totally stacked against me. I finished a race with a stick in my kidney because I didn't want to have to edit my definition.

Coach Dave was talking about people seeing a different side of themselves at the Bootcamp weekend, which I had thought was relatively easy. Now, I see a different side of myself on a super easy weekend.

I am taking some time and diving into myself. I am going to tighten whatever got loose up there and get back to who I am. Rest assured, I made the edit in pencil. Light pencil.

Fundraising

2010-01-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

I made some errors in fundraising. The first was not demanding the money in cash to get it doubled. I would be a lot further ahead by now. The second was charging too little for my bike services. I just didn't realize that people took such poor care of their bikes.

Anyway, I hit my minimum and even had enough to help out a team-mate that needed a hand making the minimum. I am not a minimum kinda guy though.

So, I am in Kansas last week for our national sales meeting at the new parent company. We are all supposed to give 5 minute speeches. I figured that would be a great time to hit up everyone for donations instead of the lame email and pestering I was going to do. I gave my speech, but lost it about 1/4 into it. I pulled it together and got about half of what I wanted to say out. Apparently it was enough. Including my personal contribution of $1000, I raised $4200. That will make a big difference to some people.

Now I am going to start to really up my activity in fundraising. I have some great ideas that I am going to start moving with.

800 Marker

2010-01-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

This is old news, but it isn't on the blog, so I thought I would post it. I was supposed to do a 1000 meter swim marker (test), but decided to do another 800 on New Years Day to see how I did in comparison. I BLEW AWAY my old time. I was just a little over 19 minutes this time and swam the whole time continuously. It was a huge confidence booster.

Swimming has been improving since then. I have been able to do my workouts for the most part, which is new for me. I am wayyy behind, but I will catch up soon. We have our first race in a couple weeks, so we'll see how that goes for me.

I did have a "race" this past weekend, that cost me a weekend of swimming. We were supposed to do a 100m interval pretty hard. I ended up being in the same lane as Simon, the running coach, who is also a terrible swimmer. We ended up racing the whole thing against each other and I beat him by 1/4 inch at the end. The victory was sweet, but unfortunately, I pulled a back muscle and was told to stop swimming by my coach. I am going to give it a shot today and see what happens.

Lost momentum

2009-12-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

Sorry - I lost momentum writing. I will get back on track here.

First thing's first - swimming is getting easier. It isn't easy, and I am not good. I can see myself, perhaps 1000 laps away, as a decent tri-swimmer. I couldn't see that before, so now it is nice to see it. I learned how to swim slow this past weekend. I was pacing off a couple team-mates that swim at a slower pace than me and it was really easy to swim at that pace and I wasn't out of breath at all. Ironically, they were WAYYY faster in their 800 marker swims. I now know to slow it down and keep a steady pace and I will be able to cut my overall time.

Mike is a great guy and a great coach. I am really lucky to have people like him on the team. I really wouldn't make it without him. I would still be doing largely what I was doing before or spending big $$ on a private coach.

I went on the first team ride this last weekend. It was a lot of fun. I found 2 people in the East Bay that I can ride with, which is another blessing for me. I am a little faster than them, but it is just great to have people to ride with that are close to my pace. They are both awesome people to boot, so that is a bonus. I couldn't have been happier with the ride. Kathryn also looked pretty good on the bike, which is a good thing. I really want to get her on her new bike and see how it goes. Last weekend just wasn't a good idea for that.

I have been watching some of the Team-In-Dating shenanigans going on. I won't throw anyone under the bus on my blog, but it is funny to watch. It makes sense though right? You have a room full of like minded, athletic people, that are good hearted and all sharing a huge challenge. Good stuff is bound to happen. TNT is a large part of why I am with Kathryn. I knew what kind of person she must be to have been involved in it for so long.

Sandy won the spirit cape. Good for her. I am glad she won it. I can't think of a better person to have it. She has helped me so much just by suggesting little things and cheering me on. This organization is really full of great people. How did they let me in???

I watched "My Sister's Keeper" recently. I might see if I can buy them in bulk and give them to anyone that donates over $100. It was an incredibly moving movie and it reinforced what I am fighting for. I really take this fundraising business seriously.

I just learned about a friend of a close friend that has leukemia and is being treated at UCSF. I am thinking about getting together people from the team to go there on New Year's Day and have a little party for her. Apparently, all her friends and family are in So Cal, so she is all alone and in really rough shape.

That's about enough from me today. Happy Winter Festive Season to anyone reading.

Domestic violence

2009-12-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

Poor Tessa. Kathryn was sooo excited to have her newly fit tri-bike in her car and on her way home. She had such joy in her voice when I talked to her and I was really looking forward to my Thank-you dinner that I was going to get for helping her. I was crushed when she called me from home to let me know that there were many badly touched up paint chips and scratches on her never-before-ridden bike.

She loves that bike - more than I could have hoped for. I had secretly hoped that a new bike that works better would help her appreciate cycling more. Based on her aesthetic love of the bike I am off to a good start. Her voice had such heartbreak in it after discovering the damage that happened at the fitters. I had hoped she was exaggerating and it wasn't that bad. She sent me pictures before coming to pick me up and I freakin' lost it. It was terrible. I almost went to Phil's house, but I didn't think that would end well and had the sense to talk myself out of it. Instead I called and sent a VERY firm email. I can't believe that he didn't have the guts to call and/or tell us in person. He says that he forgot, but that is BS.

I went there to finish my fitting. I was tempted to just get my bike and bail, but decided to go ahead and finish after he sent an email accepting responsibility and offering to have the bike repainted. We did our thing and I paid him. He promised to get it fixed in the new year, and I guess we'll see how that goes. Kathryn doesn't have the same sparkle in her eyes for Tessa anymore and that is tough on me. I am hoping that having her fixed will make things better.

I rode my own bike for the first time yesterday. I am not thrilled with the fit. I raised the seat half an inch to get full power. He didn't experiment with my position relative to the power I was putting out at all. He also didn't ask once if I was comfortable. I was uncomfortable and not putting out power. I discovered on my ride that my aerobars were asymmetrical and were a cause of a lot of the discomfort. He also didn't tighten several bolts. Did we just waste $1000? Did I also waste $$$ of my team-mates that I referred over to him? I guess we'll see. I wish we had taken the time to go to Aria Velo instead now. Lesson learned.

Clover

2009-12-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

If you let this blog stuff slip for a few days you lose a lot of the details. Oh well.

Last Saturday I opted to ride my bike outside, despite the team email that said we were just going to ride on the trainers at Sports Basement. I am glad I did, for the most part. I couldn't handle that long on the trainer. I needed some road miles. So, I decided to do Mt Diablo. I haven't ridden the Big D since we started with TNT. I bundled up with all my wet/cold weather gear and took off. It was a nice ride, though I have lost a LOT of power. I hadn't slept much the night before, so I was wondering if that was the culprit. Anyway, I am concerned that my power is so far down. I will work harder. I get close to the top but it was too cold and windy up there for me to handle any more, so I went back down the North Side. My waterproof glove ripped all the way down the side and filled with water, so my hand was frozen by the time I got to the bottom. I went to Sports Basement where they were spinning to get the best glove for $20 that I could to get home (only had a $20 on me). I got some wool liner gloves which are great because they keep you warm even when wet. I made it home and felt pretty good. I was disappointed that Kathryn didn't go to spin. I was hoping she would give me a ride home or lend me $$ for better gloves since my hand was so cold. Oh well.

Sunday I went to the coached workout in Novato. I forgot my googles and got there late since I was looking for them so I couldn't get to Erin's bike before the workout. I started the workout late because I thought they were in Kathryn's car and she didn't get there till about 15 min late, but at least she had some awesome goggles for me to borrow. We did 6 stations of various drills and things and then got video taped. It was a little embarrassing at some of the stations since I didn't know what they were talking about and/or couldn't do the drills that we were supposed to do. Even though I am making progress I am far behind the next worst swimmer. In the words of Clover (Animal Farm) "I will work harder". I finally got video taped and reviewed. Sedonia had a lot of positive things to say, and I look MUCH better on tape now than I did the last time I was taped. I still have a really long way to go, but at least I am making progress. I will make it and I will do OK.

After the swim we did core. I have let my abs go for a month and it showed. Again, I will work harder. Between core and the Potluck I jumped on Helen and Erin's bikes. WOW! They took forever. Helen's was incredibly bad. I am used to my own bikes that only take a few minutes. This took me 90 minutes and it still wasn't great. I missed most of the food and 2 of the honoree stories. I didn't realize that we were going to hear stories, so I am bummed that I missed them. The ones I did hear were very moving and meaningful for me. It made me realize that this issue is a LOT bigger than me and my own mission. I just get to play a small part of the solution and I am thankful to have the opportunity to do that. In some ways I am ok with missing the good stuff since I was doing fundraising. I definitely gave too good a deal on my service plan though. I should have charged twice what I did. I will make the time work out for me. You guessed it - I will work harder!

The Magic Suit

2009-12-11T10:54:00.001-08:00

Mike had suggested that I bring my wetsuit out to the next swim. This time we did it at Cal High where lots of other real swimmers would be. I had a dose of tequila before going out there - which might have helped. I was kind of nervous to be in the deep end and also embarrassed to have a wetsuit on in the swimming pool.

Anyway, I get there and it is COLD outside, which made me deliberate less on putting it on. I jump in the water and discover that it is IMPOSSIBLE to sink. It was really amazing. I could swim without using my legs at all and just glide through the water. Siding was super easy, as was breathing. I could focus on stroke and trying out the things that Sandy has been sharing with me. I didn't use it too long, but just long enough to count my strokes and see what my lap times were. I was down to 14-16 strokes and my lap times were about 25 seconds, which I think I could sustain for a long time. Even if I slow to an average of 40 seconds, which seemed crazy slow in a wetsuit, that would put me at doing the IM swim in 1.7 hours. I absolutely can't wait to do open water swims now. This was such a huge confidence booster for me. I took it off and swam normally and did lots of drills. I am feeling better and I am able to do my drills without my zoomers on anymore, which is a huge improvement. Overall, I am starting to see results. I think I could be a strong swimmer by '11, and be ok by the time Vineman comes.

I have had a couple people, especially Sandy, Maria, and Tiffany, come forward and give me tips, send videos, and give me encouragement to keep going. I am thankful to be blessed with team-mates and friends that are willing to take the time to keep me moving forward.

Losing it

2009-12-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday night we did some pedaling drills. At first I wasn't even going to participate. I have spent many many hours on my pedaling over the years and it should be just about perfect. However, I decided to be a good sport and do it too. WOW! I have let my form go! I may have looked like I had it during the drills, but I really didn't. I have a lot of work to do over the winter to get my form back to being efficient. Fortunately I was given a Compu-Trainer to work with, which will help immensely. I am sure that it will come back very quickly, but it just shows you that EVERYONE needs to work on the basics. The trainer night was cold, but it was good to be with so many other folks out there. Sports Basement got another $400 out of me that night. Quite the gig they have going!

Real allergy and metaphorical one

2009-12-09T09:34:00.000-08:00

I am allergic to beer. It is the hops actually. A mutual friend of Matt's told me the only way he would donate would be if he taped the money to a 40oz and sent it to me - I had to pour some out for Matt and drink the rest. I decided to use that as a sick fundraiser. I told him it would take a minimum of $100 for me to do it and I will video tape it. I am going to sell tickets to watch a live broadcast of it. I will drink it real fast and then puke for a while. I can handle that if I get some good donation $$ out of it. Whatever works right? It is better than spending a day trying to wrap presents or cook or something else I can't do. Puking - I am a pro at that.

Last night when I got into the pool it felt like I was allergic to it. I am trying to stay positive, but man do I hate swimming. It is the worst thing I do all day. There is nothing good about it at all. I feel anxious before the water and that is reinforced by several "drowning moments" where I am not able to breathe and take in water and panic. The water is freezing at my gym. Just standing in it would be torture. The frustration might be the worst though. I am not trying to be the best swimmer - I just want to be mediocre. I have never had to strive for mediocrity before.

On a good note, I swam with Kathryn last night. She is faster and likely always will be. However, I was able to keep up with her for a while here and there. It was a great morale booster, and she was a good sport about me chasing after her. It is really great to have someone that I am already close with to share the experience with and to be able to support each other in our weak areas. I am also getting a lot closer with my team-mates. At first glance on kick-off I thought to myself that "these aren't my kinda people", but now, as I get to know them, I see that they are all great people.

Matt on the web and starfish in the water

2009-12-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was supposed to be a rest day. I needed some bike time. I don't think the coaches quite get that I NEED time on my bike to be happy in life. It is where I do my thinking and wring out a lot of things in my head.

So, I was on the trainer last night thinking. I have run across a lot of websites and info about Matt. There were a lot of things that made me think about the old days back in Jones Hall in college. It's funny - there were so many experiences with him or a group including him, but I can't tell a single story from it all. They all kind of blur together into the memory that is Matt.

I am going to start trying to get stories from friends of Matt Morrell to add to this blog.

I know some cultures believe that someone survives as long as their memory is alive. I can guarantee that Matt will be around for a long time considering how many people belong to groups or sites dedicated to him.

I am sure every victim out there has a similar story and has touched a number of lives. Cancer seems like such a big thing that it seems silly to think that it could be helped with a small donation. It reminds me of the story of the little boy frantically throwing starfish back into the water and the old man telling him that it won't make a difference. The little boy holds up a starfish and says "it makes a difference to this one". Every dollar make a difference. Now I just need to convince more people that is the case.

When not to compete

2009-12-07T13:09:00.000-08:00

I live to compete. The end.

I hear people say things like "I am a warrior at heart" and I always think that is pretty corny, but I guess I do identify with it. I guess the Charles Bukowski title says it best: "War All the Time".

It isn't that I hate people or want to cause them pain or even that I want to make them feel like less than me. I have just tapped into the primal instinct to push myself as hard as I can and I can best achieve that in competition. There is something great about knowing that you really gave something your all and see where the chips land. Of course, I am happiest when I win, but I am still happy when I gave it 100%. I was once asked in an interview: "would you rather do your best or be the best?". I answered "do my best". I didn't get the job.

Two things have caused me to back off from my competitive standpoint recently. The first is that I decided to stop racing cyclocross this season so I don't risk further injury to myself - even though I LOVE racing it. The second was the bike marker yesterday.

The bike marker is a time-trial that is used to get an idea of improvement over the season. You do the same course over and over and see what happens. I was kind of excited to do this - I love to time-trial. That morning, before heading out, I decided to leave my timing equipment at home. I am pretty decent on a bike and there is no reason to be an asshole and blast everyone else in my mentor group. I decided to go on the ride to support my team-mates and do the marker on my own a different time.

Thank God I had that in mind. One of my team-mates is not a strong cyclist yet (actually, the same could be said for MANY of my team-mates). She couldn't get out of the parking lot without falling over in her clipless pedals. We tried for a while and eventually had her put on running shoes. She used a trainer to calm down and get used to the bike a little. It is obvious that she either never learned how to ride a bike or hasn't ridden one since being a kid. Either way, she has a lot of work to do. I felt really good staying behind with a couple other team-mates to help her out. Ultimately, she made the marker and now has a baseline to work off of. We all made it there and back without a crash and then had a nice little bonding lunch.

In a way, it was nice to experience that with her. It let me know that it is OK that I can barely swim. We all have our own journey to go through and our own challenges. It also let me see that our challenges are meager compared to the challenges that our honoress are going though. It put things into perspective for me.

Overall, I am glad that I am able to see the bigger picture here and make it about the cause and not my own victories.

Spirit cape and broken spirit

2009-12-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

Ironically, I posted on Facebook about how it should be illegal to have to wake up at 6am on a weekend day. I got to training a couple minutes late - just as we were talking about the "spirit cape". I didn't know what it was - other than a goofy looking cape, but I was guessing that it would be given to someone that did something really cool. I always see stuff like that and think how nice it would be to win something like that, but it usually goes to someone who saved 1000 puppies while ending world hunger. So, the community captain starts reading off things that the person did to earn the cape and I start to realize that it sounds a lot like me! Sure enough - I end up winning the Spirit Cape! It was a huge boost to my morale.

Then we start running 800m repeats. My ankle, which was bothering me before but was feeling fine that morning, starts to hurt. It gets worse and worse and worse. I am about to stop doing the workout when it gets called short anyway. I guess I was saved by the bell. I know I am going to have to take a month or so off from running. While I don't love running, I feel like I am letting my team, honorees, and donors down.

We go to the swim and I do OK - another modest improvement, but the seem to cumulate. I had glimpses of what it would be like to be a good swimmer. There were moments that it felt so easy to glide through the water. It was really nice! It gives me something to look forward to.

After that we sat and learned about an honoree that had just died. There were a lot of really sad people. I also learned that TNT does more than just fund blood cancer research - that research is used across the different cancers. I learned about other folks that had been lost and about how much the diseases have impacted each person on the team. I feel great to be part of something like this. It hammered home my belief that people aren't supporting me - they are supporting people that really need it. Still, I left with a tremendous sadness. I want to learn more about the honorees and get to know them.

I thought 800 would be impossible

2009-12-03T16:42:00.000-08:00

My alarm went off at 0500. Somehow I turned it off - I am thinking I did it out of dread. 0600: I get a text from Kathryn asking if I went to do my swim marker already. I thought about hiding, but then I let her know I would be at the pool shortly.

I get to the pool - I have so much anxiety about getting into the water. I haven't gone more than 200m before and that was only one time. Usually I can only make it 25m or so without having to stop.

I skip the warmup. I really don't think I am going to make it anyway, so I don't want to waste any freshness on a warm-up. I take off and it is going OK. After 50m I get tired and have to float on my back for a while. I end up doing a lap and then resting on my back several times. Then I get the idea that I could paddle some on my back. Hey! I am making progress!

About 2/3 of the way through I start trying to backstroke. I have never done it before, or even seen it done, but I figure I will give it a try. I start moving along pretty well. I do a lap of freestyle and one of backstroke and switch back and forth. My FS form goes to hell. It sucked when I started, but now it is a total mess. The backstroke is still good and strong and moving me along, so I stick with it to the end.

If Kathryn hadn't been there I don't know if I could have made it. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took me just under 38 minutes, and much of that time I felt panic like I was JUST about to drown. I really hate swimming, but I hold onto the fact that I have to really earn the donations.

I do have some great pride in making it. Unfortunately, my pace was well below where it would need to be to make the cutoff. I need to pretty much double my pace. Lotta work ahead!

Helping a team-mate

2009-12-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

I decided to lift last night instead of running since my calf is jacked up. I find out that Kathryn isn't feeling motivated and wants to bail on the run. I end up going to her house with my bike and riding next to her while she runs. She hates me. I think she told me 30 times that she doesn't like me much anymore. At least I got a thank-you this morning from her. It is COLD riding slow at night. My fingers were frozen. This team-mate stuff is hard!

I got a couple more donations and learned that Leukemia has affected more of my friends than I had thought. Again, I am amazed at who has donated. There are some good people out there these days.

The snorkel tells all

2009-12-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

So I was feeling like a tough guy this morning after my workout last night. The workout was hard, but the to and fro was the tough part - specifically the fro. IT WAS COLD on my bike.

So tough guy attitude firmly in place - and a snorkel. Keep in mind that I slept in a little this morning and so the gym had plenty of people in it when I got there. Regardless of having a girlfriend, no guy wants to look like a dork in front of tons of hot women. My gym's pool is dead center in the gym with clear glass all around. Pretty much a fish tank for everyones amusement. So here I am - goggles, snorkel, pull-buoy, and snorkel. Sweet.

I am convinced that I am going to swim for miles effortlessly. I had told myself that breathing was all I needed to be an awesome swimmer, and the snorkel would fix all that. Man!!! What a wake-up call. So I take off and I am breathing like a champion and swimming right along and then...what's this??? I get tired. I have only gone 50 meters or so and I am tired. My body is sagging way down in the water and my heart rate is still high. I stop. I learn that I can only do 50 meters at a time before having to stop and catch my breath. WTF?

I am seriously concerned about being able to build the endurance by race time. Never mind that my form sucks and I can't breathe without a snorkel. How can my fitness be so high in other activities and I not be able to swim? It really is giving me some humility. This might be the hardest challenge I have ever faced as a civilian. I have always done activities that I was already good at before.

As for running, I got my first running injury. My left calf is hurting. It is my achilles. It isn't crazy bad, but I am going to rest it and ice it to heal up fast. It is hard to miss workouts with the team, but I know this is the right thing to do.

I got my bike fit done today. $375. This is going to be a crazy expensive journey. I am going to bet that I will spend more on equipment and training than I raise in funds (no funds from donations are used for me in any way). I am hoping this fit will help me prevent injuries and be able to train longer and harder.

On a different note: I got my first donation today from Jo Gruzka. This is especially meaningful because I met Jo when I first moved to CA. We were really close friends, but I haven't been keeping in touch like I should have. Jo is a Polish immigrant who is far less financially endowed than most of my other friends and yet she still jumped at the opportunity to donate to a good cause. I had heard that you would learn a lot about people and would be surprised by their generosity during this journey, and so far that seems to be true.

Lastly, I got a message from a very old friend that was also a friend of Matt's. Popeye let me know about some resources to fundraise from. I am going to ask my friends to share some favorite stories about Matt, mostly R rated I am sure, for anyones enjoyment that might be reading this blog.

First post

2009-12-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

I am new to blogging. I am new to swimming. I am new to fundraising. I am new to Triathlon. Unfortunately, I am not new to Leukemia from a friend's standpoint. My friend, Matt Morrell, lost his battle with Leukemia.

It was really hard to watch what was going on. What was worse was that I was a couple thousand miles away. I felt totally helpless as he was going through it. Who am I to complain though - he had some really rough times.

I finally decided to do something; something that will cause me to go through some rough, painful times. Ultimately, that will be my tribute to my friend and my effort to help save others.

I am doing an Iron-Man through Team in Training. I can't swim. I lost 40 lbs in a crash diet to get myself ready to train. I beat myself up on the bike and running and go through a near-drowning daily. When I say near drowning I mean NEAR DROWNING.

My hope is that I will inspire people to donate, inspire people to become fit, inspire people to join TNT, and to raise awareness for Leukemia and other blood cancers.

I am going to chronicle my training and other related experiences as well as stories about Matt and other Leukemia victims during my journey.

Thanks for reading!