My turn to rant

We Are The 1%: Part Six

2011-10-21T17:56:00.000-05:00

(John Boehner, Speaker of the House. Ya think you could fit a few more flags behind you?)

I've been working since I was 8 years old, when I learned to mix drinks at the family bar. That explains a lot.

I cry like a baby whenever people mention taxes, or if my golf game gets rained out. That makes me a compassionate conservative.

I have never in my life had to worry about health care, the price of food, or how to fund my retirement. That makes me smarter than you.

I am the 1%. And proud of it.

~~~

We Are The 1%: Part Five

2011-10-20T19:21:00.001-05:00

(Bill O'Reilly, smug Fox News host who has smirked for so long, his lips are permanently fused together. i wish.)

I am 62 years old.

I've worked since I was 6 months old.

It's no wonder I'm so cranky.

If you're unemployed, that's your own dang fault. Get a college degree, get a job, and become a millionaire like me. What's so hard about that?

Tune in tomorrow night, when I will say exactly the same thing again. But with a different tie.

Of course, if Obama raises my taxes to 99%, which he might, I will not be here tomorrow night.

Wahhhh.

I am the 1%.

~~~

We Are The 1%: Part Four

2011-10-19T18:50:00.001-05:00

(Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for president who made much of his fortune by arranging leveraged buyouts which often involved laying off shmucks who now mooch off the government because, hello, they have no jobs)

I'm unemployed, my friend.

Just like you.

Well, except for the $200 million which I hold in blind trusts.

I spent my life improving the profitability of corporations. And as we all know, corporations are people. So I spent my life helping people. Kind of.

I spent $45 million of my own money running for president in 2008.

That could have paid for a complete course of chemotherapy for more than 10,000 people.
It could have put food on the table for more than 11,000 families in the United States for an entire year.
It could have paid the health insurance premiums for tens of thousands of Americans who will die this year because they have no access to the "best health care in the world."

Life is not fair. Get over it.

I am the 1%.

~~~

We Are The 1%: Part Three

2011-10-18T17:30:00.000-05:00

(John Paulson, hedge fund manager)

- made a fortune by deliberately setting up bundles of crappy mortgages, selling them to unsuspecting investors, and betting against them at the same time.

- way smarter than you.

- did nothing illegal, which is maybe the most amazing part.

- estimated worth: $15.5 billion

- do not deserve to be vilified for my success.

I am the 1%. Deal with it.

~~~

We Are The 1%: Part Two

2011-10-17T17:56:00.003-05:00

(Herman Cain, Republican candidate for president. And look, he's black!)

I come from humble beginnings. I owned a couple of pizza joints and managed to make a bazillion dollars. Easy peasy. Anybody could do it. Racism never held me back.

If something is holding 99% of the people back, it's the complexity of the world we live in. So let's simplify things.

9-9-9.

What does it mean? Nobody knows.
Will it work? Nobody cares.
Listen. It's simple. We can all repeat it over and over.

9-9-9.

Stop whining, pathetic losers. Get off the streets, open a pizza joint, and move up in the world.

And in conclusion:
9-9-9.

I am the 1%.

~~~

We Are The 1%: Part One

2011-10-16T19:03:00.003-05:00

(Stephen Hemsley, CEO of UnitedHealth)

I am 58 years old.

Made nearly $102 million last year, but only $1.3 million of that was salary. Could you live on a measly $1.3 million? Me neither.

If Obama increases my taxes, I may not be able to afford my $37 million corporate jet. I'll need to scrimp in order to pay the property taxes on my $6.6 million home.

Oh wait. What am I thinking? My company has a virtual monopoly in at least 12 states. We'll simply raise the health insurance premiums for all of the little people.

Problem solved.

Quit blaming others.

I am the 1%.

~~~

Worth 1000 words

2011-02-27T11:55:00.005-06:00

From a union solidarity protest in Chicago, today ... (Democratic Underground)

Tired of overpaid teachers?

2011-02-26T09:45:00.002-06:00

(typical teacher)

Note: I think the following post originated on Facebook. I took it from Democratic Underground.

~~~

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do -- babysit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and planning -- that equals 6-1/2 hours).

So each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....

That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6-1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!

The average teacher's salary (nationwide) is $50,000.

$50,000/180 days = $277.77 per day / 30 students = $9.25 / 6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student -- a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!)

WHAT A DEAL!!!!

Make a teacher smile; repost this to show appreciation for all educators.

Meredith Menden

~~~

What's another word for amnesia? I forget.

2010-07-06T18:56:00.005-05:00

(five thirty is extremely early. which may explain why i am always late.)

I am SO sad that I haven't had time to blog lately! But of course, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a job.

Not that I didn't have a job before, but it was a self-employed job, which doesn't really count as a job because if you are foolish enough to be self-employed then you deserve to pay double taxes and outrageous health insurance premiums even though you are the embodiment of the supposed American Dream of self sufficient entrepreneur based small business ideal which unfortunately when you boil it right down means diddly squat.

Not that I'm bitter.

Anyway.

I've missed a lot, including the opportunity to rail against the Republicans who are now suddenly dead set against any deficit spending even though the current deficit can clearly be traced back to the Bush administration.Which, as I recall, was proudly Republican at the time.

Not to mention the Republicans who are now totally outraged about the push-back against the Arizona immigration bill, claiming that the federal government's inaction is to blame even though the Republicans are by any definition the inactive portion of the federal government.

Plus of course let's not forget the Republicans who are totally upset about the Gulf oil "spill" even though if we cared to connect the rapidly gushing dots, which they would rather not, those dots would form a straight line leading to some Republican leaders who shall remain nameless but whose names would rhyme with Mush and Brainy. Which is quite apt.

I wish I had time to elaborate. But I need to get up at 5:30 so I won't be late for work.

Let's just leave it at that.

~~~

Seriously hilarious news

2010-05-06T18:28:00.007-05:00

(there's not a lot to laugh about these days)

Have you heard the news??

A gigantic underground volcano of oil is erupting, threatening at the very least the Gulf of Mexico and at the very worst our entire planet. Including me. This is not good.

Europe is in a financial crisis. Today, riots in Greece or a technical glitch caused by a Wall Street trader who was distracted by downloading the John Edwards video, nobody seems to know which, caused a 1000-point drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Index in just one hour. Yikes.

But I did find one headline that gave me quite a chuckle.

Here it is:

Fox Defends Michael Brown Interview: 'He's An Expert On Botched Responses.'

Yes, Fox News had Michael "Heckuvajob" Brown on TV the other night, explaining his theory that President Obama reacted "slowly" to the oil spill for political reasons. Brown is a credible spokesperson for incompetence, apparently. Hard to deny that.

Perhaps Fox News should consider some other guest appearances:

- They could have Joe Lieberman host a special show on How To Be A Loyal Friend.

- They could have John McCain explain How To Be A Maverick While Not Being A Maverick Who Ever Said I Was A Maverick?? Not Me.

- They could invite Sarah Palin to discuss job longevity.

- They could ask Dick Cheney to talk about the sneering, snarling secrecy, deception, and blatantly anti-constitutional actions of the Obama administration. Oh wait. They already did.

- I could go on and on.

Any other ideas?

~~~

Republican "Census" Form

2010-04-28T17:20:00.006-05:00

(gee, you just never know what's going to arrive in the mail!)

Dear Michael Steele,

I was a little surprised to receive your "OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT FUND RAISING PLEA DISGUISED AS A CENSUS FORM" in the mail today. I am quite honored that you want to know my views about the Republican Party.

In fact, the accompanying letter says that my registered Census "is one of a select few being mailed into Texas' 26th Congressional District." Wow. Lucky me.

But your questions are making me mad. Especially since I am a registered Democrat. For example (and I quote) -

"How much does it concern you that the Democrats have total control of the federal government?"

"Do you believe the huge, costly Democrat-passed stimulus bill has been effective in creating jobs?"

"Do you worry that the Obama Administration is committed to greatly expanding the government's role in your life?"

And on and on and on ...

Come now, Mr. Steele. If you want me to answer your inflammatory questions, kindly fill out the form below, attach a check for $25 or more, and send it to me. You already have my address.

Question # 1:
The Republican strategy is to:
__ Propose absolutely no ideas
__ Vote no
__ Propose ideas, and then vote no on the exact same ideas

Question # 2:
When you look back on the Bush years, do you think:
__ Bush was not a true Republican
__ Bush was misunderstood
__ Bush who?

And Question # 3:
According to the Republicans, a true American is someone who:
__ Votes Republican
__ Attends tea party rallies with other Medicare and Social Security recipients
__ Would never be mistaken for an illegal alien, even in Arizona
__ Thinks Glenn Beck is serious
__ All of the above

Thank you for your time, Mr. Steele. And now, I plan to print out this little blog post and return it to you in your Business Reply Envelope. No check attached.

~~~

Good news

2010-04-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

Good news!

Did you hear?

The jobs report this week was really exciting! (details here)

Businesses added 162,000 jobs in March, the largest gains in 3 years. Not enough to change the overall 9.7% unemployment rate, but way, way better than the 700,000+ jobs we were losing at the end of the Bush administration, right? Right?

Wrong. According to Senator John Cornyn's facebook page, which I visit only so my fellow Texans can get some kind of balanced viewpoint even if they choose to ignore it - and I quote -

"Sadly, March jobs report flat."

Hmm ... well, how about THIS good news? The new health reform bill includes an immediate tax credit for small businesses, starting at an average of 35% and increasing up to 50% for the first two years a company buys insurance through its state exchange (details here).

But - according to Maria Bartiromo on the Morning Joe show last week, which I will never watch again - and I quote -

"Well, but first the business would have to buy the insurance. So it kind of sounds like a fee to me."

Ok, so a tax credit somehow becomes a fee. Hmm ... but did you hear? The reform bill also empowers the federal government to cap insurance premium increases, which is totally obviously necessary unless we all want to pay 30 to 40% more for insurance each year.

But - according to Rick Moran, whose name is hilariously similar to a popular misspelled Tea Party sign, though I am much too tactful to bring that up, this is all part of a bigger plot.

Here is a quote from Mr. Moran's recent blog post:

"The federal government will ... have the ability to deny 'excessive' rate increases by insurers under Obamacare. This will be a mechanism by which the government deliberately destroys the private insurance industry in order to to force a single payer system down our throats."

Ok. Fine.

Sigh.

So people finally finding jobs is terrible news. Tax credits for small business owners are terrible news. Premium limits are terrible news.

Maybe this will cheer you up:

Angela Braly received a 51% pay increase in 2009. Braly is the CEO of WellPoint, the insurance company that recently announced premium increases of up to 39% in California. Her overall compensation for 2009 was $13.1 million, while the company enjoyed profits of $4.75 billion (details here).

Way to go, Angela.

Nice job, WellPoint.

Good news, indeed.

~~~

I just have to say ...

2010-03-23T06:51:00.005-05:00

(settle down, lesley, settle down)

Woo hoo! Boo ya! And a big "Way To Go!" to President Obama and Nancy Pelosi.

The health reform bill isn't perfect. I'd prefer single payer myself. But they did it. Amazing.

Some good things will start to happen right away. Insurance companies can no longer say "Sorry, your child was born with asthma. That's a pre-existing condition." They can no longer say "Sorry, you had a cold six years ago. That's a pre-existing condition." They can no longer say "Sorry, your illness is too expensive. Even though you paid your premiums, we're cutting you off."

Of course, they wouldn't say that anyway. At least, not the "sorry" part.

It amazes me to see the backlash, particularly from my Christian friends who I am now about to totally offend.

If Jesus designed a health care plan, what do you think it would look like? Would he do his best to avoid taxing the wealthy? Would he be mainly concerned with maintaining the hefty profits of the hospitals and insurance companies? If he suggested caring for the poor (like, hello, I believe he did over and over) would his disciples run away clutching their wallets and screaming about socialism?

I think not.

If you are upset about health reform, please take a few minutes to learn the facts.

Your taxes are not going up, unless you make over $200,000 a year.
The government is not taking over health care. (I wish they would)
There are no death panels.
There are new, common sense controls on the insurance industry.
There are over 200 Republican amendments in the bill.

And last but not least - tort reform and selling across state lines would NOT provide meaningful reform.

Rant over. I feel better now.

More to come.

~~~

You're all still here! Me too.

2010-03-07T17:04:00.006-06:00

I'm happy - and somewhat amazed - to see that my merry band of followers has not yet dissolved into the mist. Inertia can be a wonderful thing.

I suppose the same can be said for the health reform bill. It's still alive, amazingly enough. I don't think inertia has much to do with it, though. Kudos to Obama for keeping it alive. Agree with him or not, you have to admit the guy has guts.

Meanwhile, I've been quite busy but I had to come tell you about my new hobby which I heartily recommend:

I signed up as a "fan" of John Cornyn, my conservative Texas Senator, on Facebook.

It irked me that there was not an option to access his page as a "person who is NOT a fan but just wants to make comments." I'm afraid my Facebook friends probably have the wrong idea about me. ("Did you hear? Lesley is a FAN of John Cornyn's! We knew she would see the light sooner or later!")

But anyway. His Facebook page is lots of fun.

Senator Cornyn loves to post questions with obvious answers, like this one:

"Will Texas members of congress embrace a $24 billion unfunded Medicaid mandate for Texas taxpayers (over 10 yrs) in Senate HC bill? Texans, should they?"

That little question has gotten 212 replies since last Friday. Approximately two hundred and eleven people posted compassionate answers like:

"It is not my responsibility to care for those who choose not to care for themselves."

I kid you not. This was a typical reply.

We're talking about Medicaid here, which helps children. The elderly. The disabled. The poor.

I answered that I thought we SHOULD help these people, and I pointed out that (1) the Senate HC bill is not unfunded, and (2) Cornyn's questions are deliberately slanted and divisive.

The very next commenter told me I should move to California.

If your senators or congresspeople are on Facebook, join their page! It's much more therapeutic than sending emails to them or banging your head against the wall, which are both pretty much exactly the same thing. If yours don't have a page, join Cornyn's! I'd love to have the company.

Here's the link:
Facebook/John Cornyn

~~~

My resignation letter. Well, maybe.

2010-02-17T08:43:00.004-06:00

(me? stop ranting? nah)

Dear followers, lurkers, and anonymous commenters from Japan:

Good news! I have discovered how to make money blogging. Here's how you do it: you stop blogging, and get a job.

Yes, somebody actually offered me a real, full-time job. I start next week. I'm very excited. It's not a blogging job, but it is a writing job with a wonderful company.

Of course, the bad news is that I will have less time for blogging. And I had SO many things to rant about!

I was going to look into genetically modified organisms, which I hate to tell you but you probably eat these mutated food-like undigestable substances for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Truly scary stuff.

I was going to cover the upcoming health reform summit in great detail, which I'm sure will be very amusing. Maybe President Obama will propose a tax credit for surgically removing sneers from the faces of certain Republican leaders *cough*Boehner*cough*.

And of course I was going to follow Sarah Palin's run for the presidency in 2012, which you betcha is coming and which will provide ENDLESS fodder for bloggers like me. And since I am satirical, just like Rush Limbaugh, I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending Ms. Palin. What a relief!

Clearly I can't let these opportunities completely pass me by. So I'll be around! I just won't be ranting quite as frequently.

Have a great day, my friends! But put down that muffin. Trust me, you don't want to eat that. I'll tell you why later.

~~~

Anthem Blue Cross writes back

2010-02-13T11:46:00.006-06:00

(take a chill pill, kathleen.

anthem blue cross is just doin' what comes naturally)

As I told you last time, Kathleen Sibelius wrote a stern letter to Anthem Blue Cross, demanding to know why they were raising rates as much as 39% for individual customers in California.

Well, now they have written back.

Sibelius received this detailed 5-page explanation for the rate hikes instead of the three-word answer that really would have sufficed: "Because. We. Can."

Let's take a look at Anthem's explanation, shall we? Here are some excerpts, followed by my translations in red:

Anthem's profit margin in California is in-line with and below that of many of our competitors.

Translation: The CEO of Aetna has a MUCH bigger yacht than I do.

It is important to note that the rate increases being reported in the media relate only to the individual insurance market ... which represents approximately 10 percent of our more than eight million members in California.

Translation: Besides, this change only affects 800,000 people, all of whom are obviously losers because they don't work for large corporations. Fools.

Furthermore, the figure of 39 percent being reported by media represents one of the largest rate increases and includes the impact of aging.

Translation: In fact, many of them are geezers!

It is important to know that our members often have a choice of coverage.

Translation: If they want to save some money, they can switch to our ever-popular Major Medical Instant Bankruptcy PPO Plan with a $50,000 deductible.

(later in the letter, under the heading "Why Individual Rates Are Increasing Faster Than Medical Inflation") -
In our challenging economy, a higher proportion of individuals move to lower-cost coverage.

Translation: Of course, keep in mind, if people take our advice and switch plans, we will still have to raise their rates. Hey, we gotta make a buck.

Medical costs increase each year primarily due to 1) provider prices increasing faster than general inflation and 2) increases in consumer utilization.

Translation: It's not our fault that prices keep going up. People buy insurance from us, and then they expect us to PAY when they get sick and go to the doctor. Completely unreasonable. If they would just die already, we'd all be happy. At least I would. Now kindly buzz off.

~~~

Sibelius questions Anthem Blue Cross rate hikes

2010-02-09T11:23:00.006-06:00

(surprise, surprise. health insurance costs are going up.)

Anthem Blue Cross recently announced price hikes of up to 39% for individual plans in California. Once she found out, "through media accounts," Kathleen Sibelius, the U.S. Health Secretary, responded quickly and forcefully. She sent them a letter asking why.

And guess what? I have obtained the classified, top-secret, and totally fictional letters that went back and forth!

Shhh, don't tell ... but here they are:

~~~

Dear Anthem Blue Cross,

What is the meaning of this? I was just watching American Idol and I accidentally changed the channel for a sec and heard that you are raising rates by 39%. What the heck are you thinking? Send me an explanation please. Pretty please.

Sincerely, Kathleen Sibelius

...

Dear Ms. Sibelius,

At Anthem Blue Cross, our mission is to improve the profits of our extremely huge company by any means we deem necessary. Last quarter our parent company, WellPoint, had profits of only 2.7 billion dollars. We have resolved to do even better in 2010. Our shareholders deserve nothing less.

If our valued customers are regrettably unable to afford their new premiums, that is not our problem. They have many alternatives, including getting a job that provides health benefits, moving to Mexico, or dying.

If you continue to make a fuss about this silly issue, we may incur legal fees which would force us to implement even harsher rate hikes in the very near future.

Buzz off.

Sincerely, Heartless But Profitable Insurance Company

...

Dear Anthem Blue Cross:

Oh. Sorry. My bad.

Sincerely, Kathleen Sibelius

~~~

No joke

2010-02-07T14:58:00.006-06:00

(the more i see of her, the more afraid i become)

Sarah Palin gave the keynote speech at the Tea Party convention yesterday. She blasted President Obama, said the word "Reagan" several hundred times, and rallied her fans with confusing run-on sentences and catchy little bumper-sticker sayings like this "How's that hope-y change-y thing workin' out for ya?"

She enumerated some admirable goals without offering any workable solutions, urged a smaller government but a bigger military, and pined for the good ol' days of waterboarding.

Then she took pre-planned questions from the audience.

With pre-planned answers written on her palm.

I kid you not.

This is just sad.

Her supporters don't care. That's even sadder. (From one message board: "I'll take inarticulate but honest over smooth-talking liar any day.")

So, if she bugs me so much, why do I keep talking about her? Why give her even more publicity? Because like her or not, she isn't going away. We all need to understand exactly what could happen if the tea party movement grows stronger.

Imagine that legendary 3 a.m. phone call - with no crib notes written on her hand.

In fact, this morning on Fox News, Chris Wallace asked if she might run in 2012.

Her response: "I think that it would be absurd to not consider what it is that I can potentially do to help our country."

Scary.

Sad.

Absurd, indeed.

~~~

How do you spell Hypocrite?

2010-02-05T17:38:00.009-06:00

(how big of a hypocrite am i? thiiiiis big)

Republican members of Congress voted unanimously against the Recovery Act last year. Ever since, they have been whining about "out of control" spending, even though the out-of-control part started, undeniably, on their watch.

No! No! Don't spend away our children's future!

No! No! Don't make us take that dirty government money!

What's that? A ribbon cutting? A photo op? Count us in!

The White House recently released a very interesting list including the following tidbits:

John Boehner (R-Ohio) issued a statement on his Web site that he was "pleased that federal officials have stepped in" to order Ohio to use its stimulus funds for "shovel-ready" construction projects.

Eric Cantor (R -Va) hosted a job fair to demonstrate how he — and not the Obama administration — is working on ‘long-term solutions that will put Virginia businesses and Virginia workers back on the path to financial stability.’ Nearly half of the 30 organizations on hand were recipients of stimulus funds.

Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) posted to his Twitter, "Stimulus Incentive Is Very Generous! Up to 8k! Check It Out!"

There's more. Lots more.

You guys should be ashamed. What DO you stand for, exactly?

h.y.p.o.c.r.i.t.e.s.

~~~

Obama Holds Q&A Session With Puppy Bo

2010-02-03T13:12:00.005-06:00

(the good ol' days)

Following a successful Q&A session with Republicans and a subsequent session with Democrats that was so boring even MSNBC cut away to talk about Sarah Palin's new hairdo, President Obama spent several hours today talking with the family dog, Bo.

The session was not televised, but I have obtained a top-secret exclusive audio transcript. Let's listen in:

Prez: Hey little buddy, it's good to see a friendly face!

Bo: Not so fast. I've got some tough questions for you. I mean, this year hasn't turned out exactly the way I expected.

Prez: You and me both.

Bo: I thought it would be pretty cool to be the White House Puppy. At first my picture was in the paper all the time, my cute little tricks were on the evening news, we even ran down the hall together, remember that?

Prez: Sure. Look. You're still an important part of the team.

Bo: Yeah, yeah. I'm getting totally overshadowed. I've got no job security whatsoever. I don't even have a decent health care plan. Why can't I see the same doctor as Sasha and Malia? It's just not fair.

Prez: Tell you what. The next time I meet with Republicans, I'll bring you along. When the guy with the orange skin gets up to talk, go for his ankles and bite away.

Bo: Sounds like fun. Come on, let's go to the Rose Garden and pee in the snow. I bet the media won't cut away from that.

~~~

Fun With Numbers

2010-02-02T10:06:00.014-06:00

(be afraid. be very afraid)

Oh my gosh! We're deeper in debt! We're losing more jobs! We're doomed, doomed, doomed!!

That is, unless we get Republicans back in power as soon as possible. Just ask em, they'll tell ya.

Here are some scary charts I found on the Official Republican website. Have your children leave the room before you look at them. Really. They're that frightening.

First, here is a chart of job losses since the stimulus. Oh, excuse me. That's the "stimulus" in sarcastic little quotation marks. Take a look at this scary trend:

Yikes! At this rate we will ALL be out of a job soon! Even Jay Leno!

But the thing is, job losses have slowed dramatically since the quote unquote "stimulus." So how did they make this chart look so scary? Simple. They charted the cumulative jobless rates, rather than showing the trend like this:

(Job losses by month - from The Washington Monthly)

But hey! Jobless rates don't tell the whole story! What about all that spending, huh? The Democrats have just been going crazy crazy crazy!

Look at this chart, again from the Official Republican Everything We Say Is Right Heh Heh Pardon The Pun Website:

This one is DEFINITELY scary bad news! They even put Nancy Pelosi in the background, which makes perfect sense because it is all her fault!! Her and her "Democrat Majority."

Except ... helloooo ... this massive debt can be traced directly back to the previous Republick President and his Republick Majority, as shown by this chart from a recent excellent article by James Kwak entitled Budget Sense and Nonsense:

So I guess my point is, anyone can make a chart.

Anyone can present a scary picture.

But it takes a certain amount of chutzpah to scream about deficits that your own party created, and to suggest that tax cuts, tax cuts, tax cuts are going to somehow fix the problem, since as far as I remember a negative number plus a negative number equals an even bigger negative number.

Chutzpah + Screaming + Fuzzy Math = Not A Solution. Scary charts or no scary charts.

~~~

Obama Schools Republicans

2010-01-30T06:53:00.005-06:00

(the professor is in. and how.)

Republican Strategy Meeting:

John Boehner: Hey guys, we've invited The Prez to come talk to us at the annual retreat. We're gonna get him on our territory and hit him with some "gotcha" questions. Sucker.

Eric Cantor: Yeah, let's grill the guy. We'll ask him hard-hitting stuff like why is he bankrupting the country with his Bolshevik plots and why doesn't he ever listen to our ideas when we are so eager and willing to work with him.

Boehner: I'll even give him a copy of our Idea Book! That'll make for some great drama!

Cantor: One little thing, though. He wants us to televise it.

Boehner: Perfect! We can work twenty talking points into each question so our message will be loud and clear. He'll be so confused, he won't even know where to begin. Bwa ha ha.

~~~

Unfortunately for the Sneering Clueless Ones With Spray Tans, the meeting didn't turn out quite the way they hoped.

Bwa ha ha indeed.

You rock, Barack.

Hank Paulson Book Tour

2010-01-29T09:16:00.004-06:00

(everybody's writing books these days.
and why not? there's so much to write about.)

Hank Paulson is now ready to enlighten us all about the near-collapse of the financial system, with his new book "On The Brink." I kind of wish somebody had pushed him OFF that brink, preferably with cement blocks on his feet. But no, here he is, with a book explaining how difficult those times were for poor Hank.

It was stressful.

He suffered bouts of exhaustion and nausea.

He read Bible verses and prayed for divine assistance.

Barf.

Here is one of my favorite passages, which I swear I did not make up. He's talking about a conversation with Sarah Palin:

"Right away she started calling me Hank... But for some reason, the way she said it over the phone like that, even though we'd never met, rubbed me the wrong way. I'm also not sure she grasped the full dimensions of the situation I had sketched out - or so some of her comments made me think."

And now, guess what? I am totally excited to bring you an exclusive interview! The first stop on Paulson's book tour is this fictitious, amusing and hard-hitting Fox News discussion with fellow author and bewildered pundit ... Sarah Palin! What a coincidence!

Let's listen in...

~~~

Sarah: Good morning Hank! Can I call you Hank?

Hank: No.

S: Thanks! It's such an honor to meet a distinguished American such as yourself on this great American network that has given me an opportunity to rebuke the shameless critics who have nothing better to do than to mock myself, a genuine American hockey mom as you know therefore.

H: Was that a question?

S: Oh! Haha! Yes I do have some questions for you, Hankster. First, where's your bus?

H: It's right outside. It's the one with the sign on the side that says "Back off. I did it to Lehman Brothers, I can do it to you."

S: I understand your faith helped you get through the whole ordeal, HankyPank.

H: Yes. I often turned to God for help.

S: You mean you prayed?

H: No. I called Lloyd Blankfein, the Godly head of Goldman Sachs who wants nothing more than to do God's work. He always had encouraging words for me.

S: Like what, HankityWankity?

H: He would tell me, "Henry" - he calls me Henry like most normal people - "Henry, this will all work out in the end. You know from whence your help cometh and to whence the billions of dollars of taxpayer money needeth to go. Get ye hence and write us a check." So I did.

S: (sniff) Oh, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard! Thank you for your time. Can I call you Hank?

H: No.

S: Thanks Hank! Tune in tomorrow, when I will be giving my punditistic opinion on whatever happens in the meantime. See ya!

~~~

State of the Union Re BUTTal

2010-01-28T06:29:00.005-06:00

(nice hair, dude.)

Good evening. I'm Bob McDonnell. I was just sworn in as Governor of Virginia 20 minutes ago, and look at all these fans I already have! Good gosh golly.

Why, there's an African-American lady standing right behind me. And an Asian dude over to the side. Not to mention this military man and the wholesome white chick. Welcome, cross-section of America! You may thunderously applaud now.

It's not easy to follow the President of the United States. Especially when he just talked about all the points I was going to cover. I had this big long ol' speech about creating jobs and cutting back on spending and becoming energy independent, but he went and stole my thunder. Dang.

President Obama had the audacity to talk about the American spirit and our national pride.

He insisted, "I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

He asked, "How long should America put its future on hold?"

He made it nearly impossible for my Republican colleagues to remain in their seats with contemptuous sneers on their faces.

So in conclusion, now that I really have nothing new to say, let me conclude with this thought:

"Tort reform, tort reform, tort reform."

God bless y'all, check me out on Facebook and Twitter, and take a look at my Flickr collection too, heh heh, Scott Brown eat your heart out.

~~~

LOL News

2010-01-27T14:08:00.006-06:00

(stop! my sides are hurting)

Oh ha ha, tee hee, ho ho! Today's headlines are so funny!

I would be ROFL (that's Rolling On The Floor Laughing for all of my fellow geezers out there) if it wasn't for my bad back which would make it impossible to GBUFTF (Get Back Up From The Floor) which I'm sure y'all can relate to and if not, just wait a few years. Contrary to what you've heard, the back is the first thing to go.

Anyway.

Here is hilarious headline # 1, from Politico.com:

Poll: Fox Most Trusted Name In News

Excerpt: "A Public Policy Polling nationwide survey of 1,151 registered voters Jan. 18-19 found that 49 percent of Americans trusted Fox News, 10 percentage points more than any other network."

Hah. I suspect that either (a) the people they called thought they were talking about Megan Fox, or (b) one out of every two registered voters is a moron, or (c) both of the above.

Here is hilarious headline # 2, loosely translated from Huffington Post:

Henry Paulson Releases Comedy Memoir: I Am A Jerk And You Can, Too

One of my favorite excerpts:
"Paulson ... reveals how his strong faith helped him through the financial crisis. He once came close to violating the precepts of his Christian Scientist faith by taking some pills to help him sleep but said a prayer instead. At the height of the crisis, he describes a conversation with born-again Christian Bush, in which Paulson compared himself to Job."

I would elaborate on this for you, but the steam coming out of my ears is making it difficult to see what I'm typing. Suffice it to say that I have some pills I would love to give him.

And finally, here is hilarious headline # 3, which I totally made up:

State Of The Union Address Cancelled. Obama Is Nowhere To Be Found.

Imaginary but not totally implausible excerpt:
With the country facing multiple challenges, the economy teetering on the brink of a relapse, and bitter partisanship coming from both sides of the aisle, tonight's State of the Union address has been anxiously awaited by the public and the news media. Unfortunately, the podium is empty, the lights are off, and even Joe Wilson has gone home to watch American Idol Dallas Big Hair Auditions.

Robert Gibbs held a short press conference, explaining that the President was last seen speeding away from the White House in a Toyota Camry.

"We are very concerned. Obviously his gas pedal must be stuck," said Gibbs. "I really can't imagine any other explanation. One minute he was watching Gretchen Carlson talking about Exxon Mobil running for President on the Big Brother ticket in 2012, and the next minute he was peeling out of the driveway.

I thought I heard him yell something like 'I'll be right back, everything is fine' though it could have been 'This country is crazy, I'm outta here' ... I'm just not sure."

~~~