my virtual emotions

Uncommitted

2005-10-13T20:08:00.000+08:00

How can I tell you
That I don’t wanna hurt you
Never wanna make you cry
It would hurt me, too

I know how it feels
To be in pain and despair
Break down and fall apart
After all, I’ve been there before

How can I let you know
That I care
My life you share
You have been a part of it, too

But now I’m lost
In a night full of stars
The moon was there
But you were not

How can I leave
Where I never was
A crack in a wall
Too strong against resistance

Tell me now
What I must do
How to make things right
In a world full of wrongs

The One

2005-10-13T20:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder
If there’s someone for me
The missing piece
Of my lonely broken soul

Love passes me by
Without even saying “hi!”
Or did it smile
Just when I looked away

I often sigh and worry
That I have already found
The true love of my life
But failed to see it

She may be staring
And kissed me from afar
But I was too busy to notice
The damp air on my lips

Or I may have drowned myself
In her deep pretty eyes
And sought safety in the lashes
But a friend called from behind

If I have turned my back
To love in front of me
I won’t live a happy life
Not without you near me

If there is such a word
As fate or destiny
Then somehow we’ll find our ways
To a love everlasting

But until then I’ll wait
For those gentle hugs and sweet carress
I’ll just wish on my lucky star
That I’ll bump by you tomorrow

Tribute to Den

2005-10-13T20:06:00.001+08:00

For my brother
For a friend that could be
For the smiles you shared
For the life you lived

For the endurance you showed
For the lies you told
For the battle you fought
For the goodbyes you bade

For the vision you see
For the lesson we learn
For the wisdom you bequeathed
For the liberty you paved way for

For the life you lived
For the smiles you share
For you, my brother
Through existence and beyond…

Not Without

2005-10-13T20:06:00.000+08:00

Songs without the melodies
Poems without the rhymes
Are certainly better
Than poetry without a heart

Beauty that has no face
Sweetness over grace
I would prefer
Than mere desire and obsession

Sun ‘neath the soft white clouds
Full moon with orange and gray around
These things I like
Not a star without shiny sparkle

Novels with few characters
Stubborn and carefree
Books I would choose
Over pages with empty words

What would life be
Without passion and love
How could I die
When I didn’t live in the first place

Let Me Cry

2005-10-13T20:05:00.000+08:00

Let me cry now
Feel the hurt and the pain
Live in misery and despair
Let me be for a while

Let me mourn now
For the lost dreams
For the broken hearts and stolen promises
For the future that will never be

Let the tears flow now
Let the rains fall
Let the sun set
Let the stars wander in lone

Let me be blue now
Seek refuge in the dark
Be lost in the wilderness
And drown myself in loneliness

Let me cry and mourn
Let tears find its way
Let me fall apart
Let me break down

For the rivers will run dry
And my eyes will, too
For I shall never cry again
And never will I have to cry anymore

Endlessly

2005-10-13T20:04:00.000+08:00

I never knew Venus was reincarnated
Till I saw you passing by
I never believed in Cupid
Till I felt a soft ache in my heart

I wish I could have borrowed an arrow
I would have shot myself
But for a while I’ll be contented
If you tell me your name

Do the Greeks call you Aphrodite
Or were you the fusion of Persephone and Demeter
Cause I saw a yellow tulip blooming
When you spared nature a smile

Was it the magic in your hair
That I can’t help but sigh
Am I just dreaming
Or would I happen to be in heaven

I was surprised I can see the clouds
And that there was no halo in your head
Or did I just fail to notice
The pair of wings hiding ‘neath your long white dress

How could I tear myself
From the pretty brown eyes
Would it be too much to know
How you make it sparkle

Would you slap me in the face
If I would confess
That I wanna taste the sweetness
Of your soft red lips

Is it love that I’m feeling
I have never known it till now
Please tell me, darling
Could love be this strong

How could I have known you forever
When I have met you just now
Could it be I have loved you
Long before I knew you

How long do I have to wait
Before you kiss me
What will it take to convince you
That I will love you endlessly

[untitled]

2005-10-13T20:02:00.000+08:00

Last night I saw a star
Alone in the vast midnight
Shining softly, shining clearly
Staring coldly at me

I looked around and saw city lights
Too many, too much
That I long to look at you
To be with you much more

But you seem so far away
Too far for me to reach
It seem as though I can’t be with you
No matter how I try to

I saw you then
Slowly hiding beneath the clouds
That you barely show
Till I see you no more

But I know you’re just there
Looking from afar
I don’t know how, I don’t know when
But I know I’ll see you again

But I’ll wait for the day
That the sun will shine for us
Is it tomorrow, is it never
I don’t know, I don’t know

Rain of Tears

2005-10-10T23:58:00.000+08:00

I want to hurt you like you did
I want to cause you pain
I want you to feel the heartache
I want you to know the loss

I want you to cry a rain of tears
For every drop I’ve shed
Sleep devoid of hope
Wishing your demise

I want to push you to the edge of sanity
Till the numbness sinks in
To the point of agony
To the depths of no return

I want you to see life is not pretty
That it is totally unfair
That it would not treat you
With the same kindness you’ve given

I want you to struggle alone
To find no one around to comfort you
I want your soul to be burnt and broken
Never to be whole again

I want you to float in oblivion
To drown in an infinite limbo
To suffer in nothingness
To breathe the thin black smoke

I want you to freeze in cold fire
To fall into obsession
To hold unto false deliverance
To choke in the loudest silence

I want you to hurt like I did
I want you to revere apathy
I want you to obsess in the impossible
I want you hurt endlessly

But above all, I want you to realize
That I’d rather die a thousand deaths
That to see a drop of sadness from you eyes
If you hurt like I did

Northern Star

2005-10-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

Here I am again
Looking at the stars
Hoping this could be the night
That you will set me free

Why am I still wishing
That we’ll be together?
And it doesn’t help to know
That I know we are meant to be

It remains a mystery
How we could ever be
When we have thrown it all away
And sworn never to go back

Oh my northern star
Listen to me
Grant my wish
Come back to me

I look at you
You look back at me
But it wasn’t the same
When you were still with me

Here I am again
Still longing
Please don’t let me wait forever
Take me away now

To a place where I belong
To a time we both still remember
Where dreams do come true
When you still keep me

I’m tired of waiting here
But something inside me is telling me
To hold on when I’m about to give up
God knows how I’ve tried

And when you come home
I’ll be here
You still linger in my soul
And you shall always be

decade

2005-09-26T19:36:00.001+08:00

[anonymous]

when you came you were like red wine and honey
and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness
now you are like morning bread, smooth and pleasant
I hardly taste you at all for I know your savour
But I am completely nourished

on a morning like this

2005-09-26T19:36:00.000+08:00

on a morning like this
when the sun is about to shine
from a night of heavy downpour
as the soft breeze kisses my cheeks

on a morning like this
when everything seems peaceful
with little birds chirping gaily
and the roosters saying their morning prayer

on a morning like this
when there is harmony in all I see
as the soft wind blows into the trees
with the sight of the ocean so charming and calm

on a morning like this
when nature shows off its perfection
and the bright sky is at its best
I feel your love for me

i'll be there

2005-09-26T19:31:00.000+08:00

when fate fails you
when words all ran out
when strength is scarce
and when silent tears scream out loud
I’ll be there holding out my hand

fatal fault

2005-09-26T19:28:00.000+08:00

life’s a fuck
and so am I

people do stupid things
I’ve had my share of these

Lots of stuff
I regret

Lots of things
I wanna forget

Lots of acts
I hope I can undo

Except maybe
My friendship with you

in the limbo

2005-09-26T19:27:00.000+08:00

I spent hours
Pondering and contemplating
Of possibilities and probabilities
Forcing me with inevitable choices

I was in deep thought
Of repercussions and consequences
Of actions and reactions
That I drowned in the proverbial ocean

I swam in the limbo
In between despair and insanity
I breathe out inner strength
Left only with a ray of hope

on a night like this

2005-09-26T19:26:00.000+08:00

On a night like this
With the breeze kissing my cheeks
As the moon radiantly shines
Reflecting my tender reverie

On a night like this
With soft music playing
I instinctively hum
Whispering my secret desires

On a night like this
As the clouds envelop the horizon
With beauty I can not fathom
I think of you

my prayer

2005-09-26T19:23:00.000+08:00

life has been cold and dark
nights have been nothing but blue
the city lights were sad
the stars were, too

I wait for you
Down the destiny’s highway
Aching, hurting
Come to me, will you

Dear God

2005-09-26T19:22:00.000+08:00

Please send me the words
To tell her she warms my heart
That she refreshes my tired soul
That she is the beauty with all I see

Please send me a song
The melody for my life
The rhythm in my heartbeat
That soothes me in my melancholy

Please send me back my emotions
That feels the joy and the heartache
That pierces my existence
And bring me back my life

Please send me the sight
To see her through the pale light
The feelings to touch her
And the strength to hold her tight

Please send me my angel
And let me keep her in my arms
Kiss her in the eyes
And love her forever

[wordplay]

2005-09-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

It’s ironic how mirth blinds one’s foresight
Creating an illusion of a green mile
That a moment’s joy will be a smile forever
Only to be lead to a false deliverance

When you open up your imperturable heart to trust
You make your whole soul susceptible to betrayal
The devilment of a second of foolhardiness
From impetuosity to chagrin however inadvertent

Placability is a blather when sincerity is rebuked
Mischief suffuses your being inevitably so
Intimacy is impishly extinguished from deep within
Into eternal agony and suffering

to see you smile

2005-07-15T03:05:00.000+08:00

do the stars shine out there
when the darkness covers the sky
do rainbows come out after the rain
are hopes fulfilled
do wishes come true

I looked over the horizon
And I wonder
How far is destiny
How fragile is life
Does a fool know more than we do

I’m searching for answers
Of questions eternally asked
I’m seeking for refuge
And found warmth
In the long, cold night

How does one survive
When all is lost and nothing’s right
How do you keep believing
When no one understands
How hard is it to hold on

What does it take to be forgiven
How long is needed to heal
How much does it require to learn
How far will I have to go
Just to see you smile again

hold on

2005-07-05T04:56:00.000+08:00

you waited in darkness
to hide your sorrow and pain
you were fighting a losing battle
that no one ever won

in grief you mask the hurt
you carried false smiles in your pockets
and at night you drink the bitterness
as you cried yourself to sleep

in vertigo you lead your life
till you had nowhere to go
you tried to make it all go away
till you heard a voice from within

hold on, don’t give up
don’t throw all your dreams away
hold on, carry on the fight
everything will be alright

you tried to make amends
you go on like everything’s well
you held your head up high
till the emptiness haunts you

you kept up with all the struggles
you prayed for redemption
and when all is lost
you tell yourself, “hold on..”

song for stan

2005-06-21T03:19:00.000+08:00

it must have been conspiracy
when you and I came to be
such a blessed serendipity
a rendezvous at destiny’s journey

you were my fountain of mirth
yet your eyes speaks of silent sorrow
I drew my strength from you
To lend out at your moments of despair

You shared your life to me
And I gave you my absolute trust
Every empire shall fall and crumble
But our bond shall be eternal

And as our spirits collide
So shall they break and burn
With one fatal fault
Every laughter was drowned by tears

Now all that’s left is a spark of hope
Which shall heal our wounded souls
I shall endure till time comes
That our fates intertwine once more

my silent plea

2005-06-20T04:03:00.000+08:00

let this be my silent plea for redemption
let this be my quiet cry for hope
let me beg for forgiveness
for all my faults and failures

I have wept and bled
I have fallen in deep pit of agony
Yet I have risen and survived
To rest my broken soul

Let this be my prayer
Let this show my heart’s desire
Let the fires of hatred be extinguished
Let the circle of trust be whole again

Letter To A Friend

2004-10-27T04:06:00.000+08:00

I suppose I’m not really asking much out of life. I have stopped searching for big tremendous earthshaking event that would happen to me. Maybe I’ve stopped believing those things --- nice things can last forever.

I don’t know if it’s cynicism --- but I don’t think so. It’s just that I know people have to change, and they have to live lives and they have to go away.

No matter how deep and special a relationship between people, it’s very hard somehow to keep it ever alive with constant meetings and everyday contracts. We all have to grow old --- and it is sad.

Well, maybe one can still remain young somewhere in a hidden corner of his heart. I don’t really know.

All I’m asking is to have experienced having a friend at one time or another. If I have able to experience the person that is my friend, then that is enough for me. We don’t have to see each other everyday because we know that it’s not that important. We have been a part of each other and no one can take that away from us. That part of each other we shall always keep in our hearts --- and it will never die. Maybe it will just be pushed to the back of our minds at times when you have to think of things occurring in our daily lives. If ever we want to remember, it will always be there to recall, to treasure, and to cherish. Well I guess that’s what lasts forever.

If I have truly loved you and have given you something of myself, then that is enough for me. If I never see you again, nothing will be changed because you have made your place somewhere in my heart and you shall always be there no matter what.

It will make me sad sometimes to think that we had to part --- but then I will remember the happiness that we shared and I shall not be sorry. Perhaps, not seeing each other everyday will prevent us from doing things we’d like to and knowing everything about each other. But I will only have to think that for a magic moment in time --- we shared something --- and that something seemed like everything. That we are apart doesn’t make it less special. Time and distance does not have any power over what we once shared.

Every time I want to be young again, I shall think of our times. I shall laugh again just as I laughed then. We may grow old but that special feeling will always remain fresh and young.

I don’t ask much. A moment in time is enough for me to be happy. For I never did care for how long … only how much … and very much even for a while can last a lifetime.

If someday we meet, after all the years, and the magic is not there … it shall make me sad. But then I do not have the right to judge why it has become different. We both have to change and to grow. And if we are both happy this way then I shall be content.

We shall have to go our ways. Somewhere the road has to branch out. I take my path and you take yours. But I shall be happy thinking that once our road did cross and we walked together.

falling in love

2004-10-27T02:56:00.000+08:00

From the book “Letters to my Son”
By Kent Norburn

It is a mystery why we fall in love.

It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do anymore than take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses of the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalties that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes on its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life, the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it and celebrate it in all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away. When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was then moving on.

They want answers for there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them, or they try to get their lover to change, thinking that if some small things were different, love will bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life together, then love will grow.

They try everything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of mystery.

You need to know this about love and accept it. You need to treat what it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest on the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all your hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. Let it go. There is reason and there is meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don’t choose love, love chooses you.

All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes to your life, feel the way it fills you to overflowing then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

There is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love only as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, and its own seasons, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and will always be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment to live in your life. If you keep your heart open love will come again.

only hope

2004-06-26T19:28:00.000+08:00

it’s two a.m.
I still can’t sleep
Waiting for a sign to keep
Looking at the night sky
Longing for redemption

The moon is bright
The way it shone before
When things were perfect
And you promised me forever
I trusted you with my life

But the bond was broken
And the ties were burned
What’s left are scars
Of wounds that will never heal
I close my eyes and weep

Now I look at the only hope I have
The stars all came out tonight
And tomorrow will come
The sun will shine
Hope will take me there