My Wife Has Agoraphobia!

The Linden Method & Marie - Part III - The Linden Method Retreat

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 05:37:00 +0000

As we travelled to The Elms Hotel near Kidderminster, Marie was simultaneously exhilarated and terrified. As usual, her head was full of "what if" questions, but there was also the exciting prospect of soon being, for the first time in about 15 years, anxiety free.

ARRIVAL

Marie had contacted Charles Linden and he had arranged to meet her at the hotel at 1.00 pm to help her to get into the hotel. Marie wanted to arrive before anyone else so that if she "freaked out" none of the other retreat clients would witness it. However, when we arrived at the hotel - an hour early - we discovered that we could park the car close to the entrance. Marie was able to make her way up the path to the main doors, but that was as far as she could get. Soon afterwards Charles' wife Beth arrived and helped Marie to get to get into the building and later to our 1st floor bedroom - no mean feat, I assure you. She had panic attacks all the way up the grand staircase. There is no way on this earth I could have cajoled Marie there! Once we settled into the room, Marie was able to go up and down the stairs and to all the rooms used during the retreat for the duration of our stay. Charles did arrive - especially to meet Marie - but his help wasn't required.

THE CLIENTS

I won't, of course, reveal anything about the clients which could lead to anyone identifying them.

Bearing in mind the cost of the retreat and the type of the venue, the clients were, as one would expect, predominantly wealthy or the dependants of wealthy families. They came from all over the United Kingdom. Most of the clients were accompanied by family members. Family members were mostly spouses or mothers. All the clients had different types of anxiety but all had in common the experience of having panic attacks. Clients were predominantly young to middle-aged and only one was male (!). Most, but not all, of the clients had purchased The Linden Method. None - yes, none - of the clients I spoke to had read/watched/listened to all of the contents of The Linden Method and many hadn't bothered to read it at all. And not one client had really tried to follow The Linden Method before attending the retreat. Most were expecting to leave the retreat cured or, at least, mostly cured. At least one of the clients had serious mental problems.

All the clients and most of the family members were kind, considerate and caring people. Despite their disparate backgrounds, they mixed exceptionally well and were eager to share helpful tips.

THE TEAM

My descriptions are, of course, just my opinion and as such cannot be truly objective. They are not meant to offend.

Holding it all together was the very capable Beth Linden. Beth was friendly, likeable, attractive and impeccably coiffed. Her photos on the various Linden Method sites don't do her justice. She was never condescending nor patronising. She was firm and assertive when required. At the retreat, she was expensively dressed, but not ostentatiously so. Her outfits were perfect for the setting - neither too formal nor too casual. Smiling often she flashed a set of Hollywood-style, impossibly bright, white, perfect teeth - usually indicative of expensive, extensive dental treatment.

"Chief Educator" Jenny Saunders MSc was extremely knowledgeable not only about The Linden Method, but also about the areas peripheral to it. She was able to provide comprehensive, informed answers to the vast majority of queries; and where her knowledge was incomplete, she wisely said so and didn't speculate. Her presentations were informative but fell short of being oratorical gems. However, she is better in real life than she is on The Linden Method's DVDs.

Retreat Host Gareth Dore is a 20-something former anxiety sufferer. His job appeared to be (I said "appeared to be" because neither he nor any team member actually explained what his function was) to keep everyone cheerful and entertain the clients during the quiet moments such as mealtimes and evenings. He is quite good at being the life and soul of the party, but this tended to divide the clients into two groups - those who wanted to party (mainly the younger clients and their partners) and those who were of a quieter disposition. Gareth was asked about how anxiety had affected him and how he became anxiety free. He told us that at its worst, his anxiety had made him become a house-bound agoraphobic. He tackled this using what is commonly called the exposure method: he made himself go to his front door; when he was comfortable doing that, he made himself open the door; next he tackled going down the drive, then he drove to the end of the road, then a bit further...etc. Oddly there was no mention of The Linden Method as an aid to his escape from anxiety, but we know that he definitely purchased it. He told us that he didn't understand it, so he contacted Charles Linden and asked him to explain it to him. He went to The Linden Centre, which is near to his home, where Charles explained what was in the book. Gareth was impressed and thought that it would be a good idea to organise sessions for others to learn about The Linden Method from people rather than from the book. He suggested the idea of The Linden Method retreats to Charles and Charles agreed to run them. This is, apparently, why Gareth is the retreat host.

Rob Holcrofd presented Postural Empowerment and relaxation techniques. According to Marie his presentations were entertaining, funny and useful. She still thinks about her posture, so some of what he taught has stuck.

Jackie Donkin Bsc was excellent in imparting advice on one's diet. She showed how much sugar is in common foods and snacks (and shocked most with this information) and suggested alternatives. Charles mentions diet in some depth in The Linden Method and it was encouraging to hear a nutritionist endorse his recommendations.

Alan Smith took the meditation session. The general impression was that he was a very nice man. However, he was bizarre. He looked bizarre, with a permanent smile on his smooth ruddy face and his near-monotone, soft, happy voice (you had to listen very carefully to hear what he was saying) was just as bizarre. He was the most calm, chilled-out person I have ever met. Some clients and partners fell asleep during the first half of his session, which was a lecture on the various types of meditation and why anyone would bother to meditate. Several people left the room. Alan was fond of the phrase "give yourself a gift" - and the gift was a quiet time, a time to meditate. The second half of the session was a period of meditation, where he used the same tone of voice to encourage us to meditate. I can state without equivocation that this session was the least successful during the retreat.

THE VENUE

While we were at the retreat there were few other guests at the hotel. Perhaps indicative that the accommodation was poor value for money?

The Elms is a great looking period building with good, well managed grounds and, of course, a spa. There's also a gym and swimming pool. The rooms are interesting and fully kitted-out, but there was no air conditioning and the room could get uncomfortably hot.

We were unlucky. Others were happy with their rooms, but our room had a faulty toilet and no shower mat. I found out about the missing shower mat when I slipped and nearly fell out of the bath, much to Marie's amusement. A shower mat was provided next day by a very apologetic manager. No such luck with the toilet. It took 3 days to repair it: all it needed was a £5 part. The toilet made an awful noise which also disturbed the family in the room next door, which could be controlled by flushing it. However, getting up a couple of times during the night to flush the toilet is not conducive to having a pleasant stay. We were offered another - and better - room, but it was on the 2nd floor and inaccessible to Marie. A partial refund would have been a nice gesture but it was unforthcoming.

The Elms boasts about its great food and the fact that many of the vegetables are grown in its own garden. I found the food to be, on average, disappointing and all of the other clients I spoke to agreed. Retreat clients were not offered the hotel's full menu. Instead there was a very limited choice of dishes. The menu was unexciting and unadventurous. Gareth repeatedly told us all about how good the braised beef was, but when in due course it was served it was almost inedible and most diners left it on the side of their plates. The next day we were treated to an excellent spicy Mediterranean dish, so the chef can obviously cook well on his good days.

The rooms which were used for The Linden Method seminars were light and airy and acoustically good. Very much fit for purpose. There were plenty of comfortable settees and armchairs to accommodate all the clients' partners. Tea and coffee were almost always available, frequently accompanied by delicious home-baked shortbread or speciality bread.

Was the venue good for the retreat? Despite the hot rooms and not-so-good food (which, of course, might usually be much better...the regular chef was on his holidays/wasn't feeling very well etc...), the quiet, relaxed atmosphere, superb, friendly staff and the large, light, airy, comfortable seminar rooms provide excellent surroundings for clients of the retreat.

But if I'm in the Kidderminster area looking for good accommodation, I'll give The Elms a miss.

THE PROGRAMME

You can see the programme in the image opposite (click to enlarge). The programme offers busy, productive days and relaxing, convivial evenings. By the end of the retreat, The Linden Method will have been comprehensively explained.

The four days/three nights format works well and it offers education in an unhurried, pleasing way. The retreat could probably be adapted for a three days/two nights format without losing much content, although the shorter time-frame would mean that the overall experience was less relaxing.

Marie liked all of the programme except the meditation session. Her most enjoyable session was the one-to-one session with The Great Man. Accompanied by Charles she was able to walk around the grounds at The Elms. She was able to walk across the immense front lawn without panic. Proof indeed that it is possible to overcome anxiety.

I particularly liked the Partners/Carers Only session. As followers of this blog will be aware, Marie has tried almost all the available treatments and therapies in the market as well as what the National Health Service has to offer. None of them - absolutely none of them - involve partners or carers. And I have asked for help...and received none.

I said to a NHS psychiatrist "I don't know what to do for the best regarding Marie. I'm worried that I may be doing all the wrong things and hindering her progress!"

And the psychiatrist's reply? "Yes, I can see that it must be difficult for you." That's all I got. Helpful? Hardly!

The Partners/Carers Only session was perfectly timed at two hours. Basically it told us what we have to do to support our anxious loved ones, and why. And what we shouldn't do, the things that make anxiety grow. There was lots of excellent advice based on TLM principles. I was able to see how, in the early days, I had actually helped Marie to increase her anxiety!

Now the problem with a one-size-fits-all approach is that it rarely does. And it's the same with The Linden Method's advice for partners and carers. I cannot "Treat Marie the same way as I would treat a non-anxious person." I have got young children and I cannot do anything which would adversly affect them. I can't say "If you want food, get it yourself" because the children need to be fed. I can't let the children see me leave their mother screaming in the middle of a panic attack - I've got to back and calm her down/cancel going out. Despite this, I felt that the session was worth every minute. Well done, TLM, for including partners and carers!

The main criticism I have of the programme is the lack of supervision of the group's leisure time. On the last evening, the doubters and dismissers were given free reign to voice their pessimism, tangibly changing the atmosphere. I feel that retaining a positive atmosphere at all times is essential. Engendering seeds of doubt can only do damage. Yet Gareth seemed unable or unwilling to try too steer the group away from this destructive line of conversation. An effective host would have gently, almost imperceptibly changed the subject matter to happier topics.

THE VERDICT?
The advertising and promotion of the retreat tends to give the impression that it offers an instant cure for anxiety sufferers. That is, to say the least, unfortunate. Yes, I know that if you read all the splurge carefully, you will see that it does not offer you that. But many of the clients at the retreat I attended expected to be going home, cured. Marie expected to be going home to get ready for a family holiday in Spain.

It doesn't provide an instant cure. There is no instant cure.

But for some, the retreat will give them the tools to transform their lives for the better. It will give them hope that they can beat anxiety. It will equip their partners/carers with a set of aids to help the affected loved one. For these people, it will be worth every penny.

DEPARTURE
Friday's afternoon session was a disappointment. Some of the clients left early, the question and answer session never took place and the group photo didn't happen.

Nevertheless, as Marie toured pleasant English countryside bathed in beautiful late spring sunshine on our way home, she was a changed person. No, there was no miraculous cure; but there was a feeling, a certainty that everything had changed for the better. Tomorrow, anxiety would be diminished. Life was going to get better.

UPDATE, April 2014

1. My wife has been quite unwell for a substantial portion of the last few years, and I haven't had time to continue with this blog. But one day...

2. Please be aware that the format and content of the Linden Method Retreat has been changed. There is a revised timetable and a new host. And there is a new menu at the hotel (presumably better). Contact the organisers for further information.

3. Beth Linden contacted me to say that it is not the organisers' intention to imply that the retreat offers a "magic cure". Beth wrote to me, saying, "...What we do say, however, is that they [their clients] will be armed with a 'toolbox' of what they need to make a full recovery and that they will feel more empowered and less fearful about making that journey of recovery..."

4. The beneficial effects of The Retreat were short-lived and my dear wife went back, more or less, to where she was before going there. However, since she didn't follow the advice given to her at the Retreat or in The Linden Method book, her lack of progress can NOT be described as a failure of TLM or the Retreat.

The Linden Method & Marie - Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 12:02:00 +0000

When I decided to move to England in 1994, I chose the location and bought a business there. Along with the business came a full complement of fine staff and one of these was Amy, a highly intelligent, very competent lady in her 50's with decades of experience. In time, I surrendered the day-to-day running of the business into her capable hands. When Marie came on the scene, the two of them became close friends, despite the age difference. They would swap intimacies while Amy was at work and Marie would help out in my business. Then, just after last Christmas, Amy decided to retire. This caused me some logistical problems, of course, but for Marie the loss of her close friend was a big blow. She rarely visited my business premises, became pretty much housebound and depression set in.

Marie became even more set on going on The Linden Retreat. However, her life at that time consisted of her sleeping all morning and then spending most of the rest of the day on Facebook. I couldn't see the point of her going to The Linden Retreat if she couldn't be bothered to get up and see our children before they went to school or put them to bed at night. So I made a deal with her - if she followed the Linden Method at home for a while, then I would go to The Retreat with her.

So she began to follow Charles Linden's 9 pillars - or at least, some of them. She ordered up food to follow Charles' dietary suggestions. Her waking/sleeping times regularised. After a while, she was out driving in her car again - only short trips, but better than nothing. Marie began to visit some (small) shops again. She started spending some time in the business. Our house was cleaner, tidier and the children thrived on the extra attention being heaped on them. Life was much better for all of us.

And Marie had a goal! She wanted to go on holiday with me and the children. (I had already booked a holiday in Spain.) She wanted to go to Barcelona! I knew that Marie was really serious about this when she applied for a passport. Bringing Marie to Barcelona with us would be easy for me. I had booked a holiday home, not a hotel; and there was a hire car to transport us around. All I had to do was book an extra seat on the planes.

So I agreed to take Marie on The Linden Retreat in June. (She didn't feel able to go without me.) We booked the retreat and I organised staff to run the business in my absence. I felt that the children would be bored at The Retreat's venue, The Elms Hotel & Spa in Worcestershire, so I arranged childcare.

But a problem arose. When Amy decided to retire, I passed on her duties to May, my next-most-experienced member of staff. She was the one who would be looking after business while I went with Marie to The Retreat and when I went to Spain in July. May decided that she wanted to move home, back to the area where she spent her childhood and where several of her family members still lived. She gave me a month's notice to quit. And the date she was leaving? Right in the middle of The Retreat. Without competent staff, I couldn't go anywhere.

I successfully recruited new staff. But there was no way that they would be sufficiently trained to be left on their own before Marie and I left for The Retreat. With only a few days to go before The Retreat, I realised that I would have to cancel all my plans - always a risk when you run your own business. Marie was, understandably, very upset. The children weren't too happy either, looking at the possibility that our holiday in Spain would be cancelled.

Then Stephanie contacted me. Stephanie manages one of my branches. She offered to supervise my business while I was away, and had already organised staff to cover her absence at her branch. What a hero!

So, 48 hours later, Marie and I set off on the 3-hour drive to rural Worcestershire. Marie was going on The Retreat!

The Linden Method & Marie - Part I

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 00:34:00 +0000

Back to the summer of 2010. Marie was pretty down, but we had a new resident to make her life more interesting.

Regular readers will know that Marie & I are hosts to Austrian students every summer. They attend a two-week summer school where they improve their knowledge of the English language and also, from sharing life with a local family, learn about English culture. Our students are usually girls. One girl, who had stayed with us a few years ago, wrote to ask if she could stay with us for a couple months. I'll call her Anna. Further investigation revealed that, out of the blue, Anna's father had left her mother for another woman. Her mother was both devastated by this unexpected failure in her marriage and justifiably angry about the months of deceit from her spouse. Foe Anna, a break from the family home was required. Anna's mother supported this temporary absence of her daughter and once I had sorted out all the legal, social, medical and educational matters, we had a teenage foster daughter. Anna stayed until Christmas, twice as long as originally planned, until her mother wanted her to return home.

Having a foster daughter affected Marie in two ways. Firstly, she had a new companion, someone to chat to at length. But secondly, she became increasingly aware how much she was missing due her confinement to our home. Not only was I the only one who shared our children's out-of-home activities, but I was also now the only one who shared Anna's out-of-home activities. Marie began to look for ways to diminish her agoraphobia. When she found out that Charles Linden was on Facebook, she revived her interest in The Linden Method.

We have had The Linden Method in our home since 2005. And in 2009, we visited the Great Man himself at his office in Kidderminster. He was able to make Marie feel confident enough to do much, much more than usual - a capability with which I cannot compete. Marie bought another copy of The Linden Method (the original one is seriously dog-eared and some of the CD's etc. are missing). His book became Marie's bible and became a necessary item in her handbag. She listened to his CDs regularly. She was a regular contributor on his Facebook wall.

But there was little improvement in her condition.

Around November, an agoraphobic friend asked Marie why, if The Linden Method was the answer to agoraphobia, she wasn't cured already? Revealingly, Marie answered that she didn't have enough incentive to follow the programme!

This confirmed what I had believed for quite a while - I am Marie's worst enemy (in relation to agoraphobia only!). I have removed the need for her to work, look after the children, do the shopping, plan for the future, walk anywhere... Her life is comfortable enough for her to feel it unnecessary to do what it takes to tackle her agoraphobia.

Things changed towards the end of 2010. Marie had had enough of depression and constant anxiety. She still believed that The Linden Method was her way out of agoraphobia, but she now believed that she needed his latest (at that time) aid for anxiety sufferers.

She needed The Linden Method Retreat. And to accede, I needed to find about £4,000!*

* The Linden Method Retreat cost £2,700 at that time. Other expenses which contributed to the total cost were travelling and subsistence expenses, extra staff wages and childcare costs.

Marie's Agoraphobia, Monophobia & OCD - review of 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 22:11:00 +0000

This post is somewhat overdue...

Unfortunately Marie's condition at the start of 2011 was not significantly different to what was stated in my review of 2009.

Well, that didn't take long, but now the explanation for my prolonged absence from blogging.

First of all, please let me apologise to my regular readers. There is no adequate excuse for just "disappearing" without a word of explanation. I have felt guilty about not explaining why I had stopped blogging and visiting the blogs of my blogging friends. However, belatedly, below are the reasons for my absence.

Soon after my last post, over a year ago, I and my two little children went to the South of France for a holiday. Marie, of course, didn't go. We had a very enjoyable time.

When we returned, Marie entered a period of depression. It was to last, on and off, for the rest of the year.

I had a non-functioning but needy wife, two little children, an autistic son, four adult daughters, six grandchildren, 2 lots of Austrian students, my voluntary work at our local school and a growing business with 14 permanent staff and some casual employees to look after. And then the 2nd most important staff member unexpectedly retired...

I was busy!

No time for blogging.

And after a while, I lost the desire to blog. Even if I had had the time to blog, what would I say? Marie's not doing very well...She's still not doing very well..She's a little better...She's a little worse... I didn't feel that I had much to say of any significance.

Also, I became very tired.

However, I have some news for everyone. Not good news, exactly, but it might be of interest to some. During the course of 2010, Marie became more and more interested in The Linden Method. (Btw, I have no connection to Charles Linden or his organisation/business and I receive no payment for the preceding link or for mentioning The Linden Method.) She became convinced that it was her way out of her anxiety-controlled existence. And next time I have an hour or two to spare, I'll tell you about it.

And the winner is...Anxiety!

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:32:00 +0000

Things aren't so good around here.  Marie's anxiety level is about exploding level. She is totally housebound now.  She is irritable and hasn't much time for our children, our home or me.

Marie and anxiety have been having a battle for quite a while.  And the winner is...well, you know who... 

After a couple of months of this, I've realised that I am unable to  cope with looking after the children, Marie, my business and the  house.  I've been exhausted and my business has suffered.  I have excellent employees and I feel a responsibility towards them to maintain their employment.  So we've hired some domestic help.  This has freed up time for me to catch up with my  business affairs. 

I gave Marie as much space as I could over the last several weeks.  At last, this week, she came to me, and told me, tearfully, just how bad she felt.  And how she couldn't face living like this forever. She didn't know if she was going mad, or whether her medication was adversely affecting her.  We contacted contacted our family doctor and she agreed that Marie should discontinue her medication.  After a few weeks, if she still feels that she needs medication, we can discuss the alternatives with her.

Our agoraphobic neighbours have been terrific in offering assistance when requested.

Marie is fighting back.

Anxiety may have won the battle, but it hasn't won the war.

Mingling with Marie's Mental Mates at the Party for Panicky People - second succesful Saturday session

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 22:59:00 +0000

Sorry. The long title is just me having a bit of fun with alliteration. Just a little bit of self indulgence...

On Saturday evening, Marie hosted her second party for anxiety sufferers and their partners. The first party (you can read about it here) was last December. Our fourteen guests came from all over the South of England - five of them travelled more than three hours to get here! Three stayed the weekend with us.

Most of our guests had never visited the Exmoor area before, and they were very impressed with the scenery and relaxed ambiance of the area. The idyllic weather helped, of course.

What a great party it was! It was a great bunch of people relaxing in the knowledge that if they felt a bit panicky, no one would look on them as nutters or weirdos. Some guests arrived in time for dinner, while others came just afterwards and the gentle revelling continued until about 1.30 am. No one got too drunk, noisy, belligerent or annoying. The five children also present got on together incredibly well and were no trouble.

Our weekend guests, whom Marie had met through a chatroom, were really nice folks and I expect that we'll see a lot more of them.

I have come to the conclusion - albeit in an unscientific manner - that panicky people are a nicer bunch of people than the "normal" types!

On Safari?

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:02:00 +0000

Marie and I visited Longleat Safari Park during our honeymoon, 4 years ago. She has often mentioned revisiting it in the intervening years. However, organising a trip with an agoraphobia sufferer while accommodating your family requires some organising – especially when the weather is also a consideration. However, on Sunday all things were favourable and Marie, our two children Joseph and Orla, my grandson Reece, my adult daughter Colleen and I made the journey to Longleat. (What would I do without a car that seats up to 7 persons?)

One of the monkeys at Lonleat has contracted Simean Herpes B virus. How this happened is a mystery since it is a closed community; but the monkey park – arguably the most popular part of the safari park, particularly with children – was closed.

Despite missing the monkeys, we had an enjoyable drive through the park. We were lucky to have a lioness stroll right in front of our car. Normally all you can see are the prides lazing some distance away. Then 2 wolves observed us for a while from very close quarters – right beside our car! Again, an unusual occurrence. We picnicked beside the wallabies and the warthogs. It wasn't the warmest of days, but bright sunshine and just the faintest of breezes made the weather acceptable for an al fresco lunch.

Afterwards, Colleen took the children to see all the other attractions in the Longleat estate except Longleat House itself, which, best example of Elizabethan architecture or not, would have been boring for the children. Meanwhile, Marie and I drove around the nearby picturesque villages and rested in a sunny forest glade until it was time to collect the tired and happy little ones.

For Marie, it was an extremely enjoyable day – a change from her normal diet of going from room to room at home! Every one else had a great time too...except that I would have preferred to have joined the children going around the other attractions... However, I was extremely grateful to Colleen. Without her, the children's day would have not been nearly so enjoyable – indeed, it is doubtful that we would have made the trip at all.

The Riverdance show

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 22:59:00 +0000

Last night I went to see Riverdance at the Bristol Hippodrome.

This famous show has been touring the world since 1995 and this year it is presenting its farewell tour. I thought that I had better see it while I could. I went with daughters Colleen and Collette and much to my surprise Joseph wanted to see the show too (I had showed him clips on You Tube).

But the person I most wanted to take to the show was unable to go. That person wasn't, on this occasion, my dear wife Marie (although I would have liked to have taken her too, but her agoraphobia won't let her venture into any theatre just now). No, on this occasion I wished that my dad could have gone with me. My father was an amazing person and parent, and I'll It was a show that he had always planned on seeing, but unfortunately he died without realising that ambition. Because of this, my enjoyment of the show was tinged with sadness. My daughters felt a little like this too, because they were both very fond of their grandfather.

It was a great show, and like the rest of us, Joseph really enjoyed it. Being only 8 years old, I was quite impressed by the interest that he showed in the show.

Here's a recent clip of the show in passable quality. It lasts nearly 9 minutes and starts off with a little flamenco style dancing, followed by the two principle dancers. The whole troupe assembles for the last 3 or so minutes.

Enjoy.

Easter 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 22:59:00 +0000

We all had a good Easter weekend.

Late on Thursday evening you would have found Marie, the children, Blaze and me on the 2-hour drive to Weymouth and Marie's parents. I always do longer drives at the children's bedtime: they go to sleep and don't get bored; Marie and I have a peaceful journey.

Friday morning's weather was torrential rain at first, but it brightened up and by mid morning it was okay to go for a walk. Blaze and I went to the beach and then followed the Portland Bay coast line for 1½ miles or so to Weymouth harbour.

I was able to see close up the surprising amount of coastal erosion occurring in this relatively sheltered coast. Also surprising is the fact that Spring is nowhere to be seen yet.

The walk lasted about 2½ hours and was the first "me" time I've had in over 3 weeks!

Back at Marie's parents' house an elaborate Easter egg hunt was under way, with Marie's 2 sisters' children joining in. This was followed by a veritable family feast. There was a great atmosphere, unlike Marie's last visit here, and a great time was had by all.

At bedtime we went on the road again, driving back home - I had to work next day and my grandson Lucas was coming to stay for the day and night.

As usual, having Lucas stay with us was very enjoyable. He constantly gurgles and smiles now. Orla's behaviour towards him is unusally tender for a girl of her age and was a joy to behold.

Easter Sunday's socialising started early when Collette turned up with her husband and Colm. I hadn't told Colm that he would be visiting us that day, so he was pleasantly surprised and thanked me every few minutes! Colleen arrived mid morning, Easter eggs were distributed (my adult daughters still like to receive eggs at Easter) and soon we were sharing lunch. Carla and her family visited in the afternoon and we all shared dinner (leg of pork which I had been slow cooking for 6 hours...mmmm, delicious!). The adults over indulged in food and desserts and the children over indulged in chocolate - i.e. everyone had a great time!

My ex-wife eventually called at Collette's house today to see her 1st grandchild. Lucas is 11 weeks old now, so she hasn't exactly been in a rush to see him. Ah well - it has been her loss. Colleen reluctantly called to see her mother too; and Colm called to get some money for a football shirt! Although the visit was somewhat awkward, being a rarity, it also sort of completed a very family oriented Easter.

Marie is sleeping a little less now, but in other areas not much has changed. (Of course, any improvement, no matter how slight, is very welcome!) However the holiday season has helped me to recharge my batteries and I don't feel so exhausted. In fact, life is pretty good at the moment.

All for nothing

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 10:55:00 +0000

When Sue met Sam, he was working in the building trade. She was a civil servant, working in the financial department. Their romance was opposed by both of their families. Sue's family felt that Sam, as a building worker, was beneath her socially: Sam's family thought that Sue was too "stuck up" for him - this opinion based on the fact that she was well educated. Nevertheless, the relationship bloomed and they married within a year.

Their first home was a dilapidated, tiny house, but Sue had ambition and Sam was happy to follow her lead. They renovated the house and saved hard for several years. Sam became a supervisor in the building firm for which he worked.

A small, local kitchen installation company became available for purchase, and Sue saw it as an opportunity for the couple to improve their standing. Sam knew little about kitchen fitting, but he was prepared to learn, and happy to put in long hours. His supervisory experience was very useful and his cheerful, affable disposition made him a natural salesman without the need to use guile. Sue continued to work in the civil service and looked after the company's books in the evenings. The business grew steadily.

Sam and Sue decided to postpone starting a family until they became financially secure. Twenty years later, Sue had given up her civil service career to work full-time in their business and it was going well. They had moved into a modest detached home (close to my home) and it was time to start their family. A baby boy duly appeared.

The little boy didn't interfere very much with their business. Sam and Sue lived quite frugally and invested their excess cash in property. Local property wasn't terribly lucrative, so they moved their money to property in the rapidly growing USA market.

Sam worked around 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. His only recreation was his weekly snooker night. Sue only worked about 40 hours, but she also looked after the family home and most of their son's needs. There wasn't much of a social life - they were focussed on saving for their retirement and for their son's future.

The last few years haven't been so good. The USA property market more or less collapsed and their son rejected their lifestyle and moved to a squat in London. They rarely see him. Sue and Sam, approaching their chosen retirement date, seemed to have lost some of their ambition.

A few months ago, Sam had a heart attack. He seemed to recover, but another heart attack, last week, proved fatal. Sue claims that her life is over too. All those years of struggle and self denial - it was for nothing, Sue told me. Just a waste of 40 years.

I feel really sorry for Sue, but I hope that she will find it possible to create a new and different life for herself. After all, she might have another 30 years or so to live.

Sam and Sue's story has made me even more determined to take as much pleasure as possible from every day. Plan a little for the future, but not too much. Try to avoid regrets in later years.

And teach my children and grandchildren to do the same.

An eventful week

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 22:55:00 +0000

One week ago, Marie took the kids for a short trip in her car.

She hasn't driven or left the house without me since. Her days are almost exclusively filled with eating, sleeping and the internet.

For the rest of us, family life continues relentlessly.

Around lunchtime on Tuesday, I got a call from Orla's school. I was to come immediately to collect her. She had fallen in the playground and was a bit upset.

I arrived at the school to find Orla crying hysterically in the First Aid room, her hand firmly clamped over her mouth. Her school uniform was drenched in blood, she had a bruised eyebrow, bruised cheek, a scraped hand and a cut knee. She wouldn't let anyone inspect her mouth, so the first aid lady didn't know what damage had been done there.

I got Orla home and simply nursed her for the next hour and a half, after which she became more settled and let me look tentatively at her mouth. She had pretty much mashed up the inside of her lips and it looked as if a couple of teeth had been damaged. Later on, I was able to clean her and change her clothes. I fed her ice cream (she wasn't able to eat or drink) and put her to bed.

She looked so pitiful and vulnerable, sleeping.

On Wednesday evening, Joseph and a team from his school swam for charity. He swam a creditable 250m (about 275 yds) in a 40 minute session, while Orla (who has been stuck to me like glue all week) and I looked on. His enthusiasm made me very proud of him.

On Friday morning, Joseph went on a 3 day school trip with a group from his school. I collected him this evening. His teacher told me that he had been a pleasure to have on the trip, and he had got an award for his skills as a team leader and for his consistent good manners. Again he made me proud!

While Joseph was away, Orla and I had spent a lot of time together - just the two of us. It was just what she needed after her terrible tumble. Yesterday afternoon she felt well enough to go to a school friend's birthday party, although she insisted that I stay with her. Her friend's mum, looking with horror at Orla's bruised face and swollen lips, instructed the other little girls to be careful not to hurt her; the instructions were duly followed.

Today, most of Orla's scabs came away and although still swollen, she is definitely looking a lot better. She is to attend the dentist tomorrow to see what can be done about her damaged teeth after which she will go to school again.

So...an eventful week - both good and bad events - but I hope that this week will be quieter. And it would be nice if Marie could improve a little too!

Marie and Lucas

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:59:00 +0000

The Marie that the children and I know and love came back to visit today. It seemed the appropriate time to chat about her current state of mind.

It seems that Marie, having achieved so much during her London trip, realised how much she had yet to achieve to have a "normal" life. She looked at the big picture, and its vastness daunted her. It seemed to her that there was no point in getting up and fighting agoraphobia each day. Her virtual world, in which she is as able as anyone else, held more appeal than her physical world.

In other words, depression had set in.

She feels stronger now. Things will, she assured me, improve.

Just to prove the point, she took the children out for a short trip in her car. It was the first time she has got into her car since her return from London.

I should have recognised Marie's depression, but sometimes I'm so busy in the day-to-day business of running the family that I can't see beyond it. Marie's depressions rarely last long, and there is no reason to suppose that this one will be any different.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Youngest grandson Lucas, about 10 weeks old now, spent Saturday evening, night and all of this morning with us while his parents had some well-deserved time to themselves. Marie insisted on doing the overnight feeds, and I didn't to argue with her too much about this!!

Lucas is a happy, content little lad who is spending more and more time looking around him, observing his environment. He has started to smile, laugh and gurgle now. He brought a happy aura with him. Orla couldn't get enough of this real live doll and, truthfully, she was gentle and careful with him.

Lucas doesn't realise it, but his presence made Marie happier and I am sure that he contributed significantly to her depression easing.

Thanks, Lucas!

The panic party - before and after

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:59:00 +0000

In my Rollercoaster Agoraphobia post, just over two weeks ago, I related how Marie's positive attitude was helping her to expand the number and types of activities she was comfortable doing.

This continued.

Eleven days ago, Marie went to her friend's house near London to stay for a few day. I stayed at home with the children. Anticipatory anxiety had plagued Marie on the days leading up to this short break. London without me is well outside Marie's comort zone, but she had done a lot of preparation -

Her friend's house was only a couple of metres from the road.
Her friend had borrowed a car and it would be parked outside at all times.
Mobile phone reception was excellent.
She could get a taxi within 15 minutes, 24 hours a day.
Her friend knew that she couldn't leave Marie alone at any time.
I would be able to come and collect her without notice should her anxiety level become too high.

Alas, the best laid plans can go wrong.

Marie's friend had to return her borrowed car, and was unable to borrow another. Marie decided that she would risk panicking and stay anyway.

Marie's friend had to go out a few times on personal matters. Without a car, Marie couldn't go with her, but she managed to stay in her friend's house by herself!

Bouyed up by this significant progress, Marie started to take her friend's dog out for a walk. Okay, the walks may have been really short, but this is another activity she did by herself.

On Saturday I left our children with older sisters Collette and Colleen, and drove to London to pick up Marie and her friend and take them to a panic party in Milton Keynes. The lunchtime "meet" had been organised by No More Panic. About 20 anxiety sufferers, some with their partners, gathered at a rather attractive pub. Naturally, parking spaces immediately outside the entrance were available! The panic party lasted for several hours and seemed to be a great success for all those who attended, including Marie. Many attendees were pushing their boundaries to the limit just by attending. There was much laughter and chatter which created a lovely ambiance.

It was a tired, but happy and elated Marie who returned home late on Saturday night.

The next day was Mothering Sunday, and I persuaded the children to let Mum sleep in, until their patience ran out about 11:30 am. Then they woke her up, giving her their cards, gifts and a specially prepared breakfast of all Marie's favourite morning foods.

Although Marie was suitably enthusiastic about the morning activities, she was simultaneously oddly detached from the children.

This has not changed. Since Sunday, Marie has gone back to the excessive sleeping, lethargic, depressed, detached state she has been in before. Fortunately - and sadly - the children and I operate really well as a unit and everything goes on as normal. We've even been entertaining some of their school friends. My business activities suffer, of course, and I am exhausted most of the time, but my family is my priority.

The children and I are hoping that happy, vibrant Marie will be returning real soon...

Mothers Day in pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:05:00 +0000

The pictures say it all.

Joseph made a Mothers Day card.

He composed a Haiku poem for his mum.

Orla also made a Mothers Day card -

but she decided to draw on it after giving it to Mum.

Joseph and Orla chose a Mothers Day card,

based on the words inside (awww).

Orla picked this balloon.

Colm is only 7 months younger than Marie

but he has adopted her as his mother.

Marie got breakfast in bed,

lots of flowers

dinner cooked

and all the housework done.

I think she was well pleased!

Mortality

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 02:00:00 +0000

It's odd.

Although I have seven children, all of whom should have had to face the same inescapable facts of existence, I cannot remember how I helped each child how to cope.

Did I help them all in the same way?

What worked best? I can't remember.

For example, each child - except Colm - has had to face the inevitability of death.

Somehow, Colm's autism has spared him the anxiety normally associated with the realisation of one's mortality.

I do remember Joseph being extremely worried that I was going to die.

I told him that he would be grown up before I died and he wouldn't need me then.

That didn't work.

I told him that I wouldn't die until I was 100 years old.

I was trying to put off the day he was fearing so far into the future that it didn't matter right now.

That helped him, but didn't completely remove his fears.

Then I told him that after I died, I would become a star and would always look down on him from the sky.

He liked this.

I got quite a lot of questions about stars, but in general, he liked that idea.

He has slept soundly ever since.

Now it's Orla's turn.

She was crying sorely, in my arms, at bedtime.

What would happen if I died and mummy died?

Who would look after her?

Who would love her?

Joseph, who was nearby, told her "Don't worry, daddy will be a star. You'll be able to see him in the sky."

Joseph was being kind, trying to help.

He brought no comfort whatsoever.

I told her that I wasn't going to die before she was a grown up woman.

That is working.

For now, anyway.

She slept soundly.

All parents have to face this problem.How have you dealt with this?

All help gratefully received.

Rollercoaster agoraphobia

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:00:00 +0000

Since my last, somewhat bleak report of Marie's level of agoraphobia (you can see it here), things have changed. As they do. Regularly.

The most important change is in Marie's attitude. She is now in positive mood. Looking forward to a better future. Here's what she has been doing -

Doing the school run. For the first time ever, Marie is doing almost all of the school runs. I had been doing them for 5 years.
Taking our dog (Blaze) out for exercise. Just Marie and Blaze - no safe person. Okay, so all she does is parks her car at a large field and waits for the dog to walk himself, but while she's there, she's been trying to move further away from her car. So far she has only managed a couple of paces, but at the start of the year, she couldn't even get to the field on her own!
Driving to nearby villages. She has managed to drive 3 miles away from home with the children in the car.
Going to shops by herself, and seeing how far away from the door she can get.
Going to shops with the children. Marie feels safer with the children than alone, so she uses this to go to shops which she can't get to on her own.
Visiting friends. Driving to see them on her own.

Here is a pic of Marie with Blaze, about 4m away from her car! She can do this without me being there :0) (We've been having nice, sunny weather for quite a while, now.)

On the family front, Marie has been spending more time with our children. When she's anxious, she withdraws from them. She also gets up every morning and shares in the morning routines with the children and me.

On the business front, Marie has rekindled her interest in her jewellry business. It is still a very small enterprise, but every time Marie takes an interest in it, it blossoms. This is her business, so I take almost no part in it. This way, Marie can see the results of her own labours.

As I've mentioned before, the enormity of the task of reinventing herself sometimes appears daunting to Marie, but she now has some victories under her belt to encourage her to progress.

Yes, Marie is riding the rollercoaster of her agoraphobia...and we're rolling, in a somewhat leisurely fashion, downhill at the moment. I'm sure that there are more, difficult, uphill stretches to negotiate...but right now, we're enjoying the good times!

TV dog

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:55:00 +0000

Our dog, Blaze, arrived here in November 2008, so has been living with us for 15 months now. He has settled down (well, he should have by now, shouldn't he?) and this has allowed his unique personality to shine through.

And what a beautiful personality he has! He is the perfect family dog, obedient, uncomplaining, easy to train, sociable with both humans and other dogs and incredibly good with children. He's extremely good looking too (it turns out that he has an excellent show dog pedigree, but we're not interested in showing him). Everyone loves him. I didn't really want a dog, but he has won even me over!

One of his little idiosyncrasies is that he watches the tv.

He's got quite good taste. For example, he doesn't watch any soaps (ooops! - have I offended anybody?) or trashy movies. He prefers intellectually challenging nature programmes. He likes to watch dogs, of course, but also most other animals. When he hears animal noises, his ears prick up, he sits up and pays attention to the tv screen. If he hears distressed animals, he cries; with cross animals, he barks. It's quite amusing!

For some unknown reason, he has adopted me as the leader of the pack, and although he has got very affectionate towards me, he is not possessive.

At this time of year, we go walking on the beach more often than inland. The reason - Blaze always comes home from the beach clean. Additionally, he loves swimming. As soon as we get to the water, he runs straight in and splashes around. Afterwards he often swims in deeper water. Here he is during a short winter twilight walk.

I've posted pictures of the beaches near my house before, but never pictures I took during the short winter twilight. Following is a selection.

I love these walks on the deserted twilight beaches. Since Blaze came on the scene, I think I'm becoming a bit of a softie!

Grumpy granny

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:01:00 +0000

I took Marie and Orla to Marie's parents' mansion (too big to be called a mere house) in Weymouth last Thursday. They were staying there until the weekend, when Joseph and I would be joining them. Joseph and I stayed at home because he had to go to his friend's birthday party and to play for his team in a football match.

Marie rang me often. I knew that things weren't right, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Then, on Saturday afternoon when I was driving to her parents' house with Joseph, she called the car phone. Twice. She was crying, but couldn't tell me why.

I had just got out the car when Orla ran up to me, arms outstretched. I lifted her up and she hugged me really tight. “I'm really glad you're here, daddy,” she said into my ear. “I missed you.” Marie appeared behind her. I put Orla down and Marie and I embraced. Then she revealed the cause of her distress. Orla wasn't being treated well. Grandma was constantly telling her off.

When she was very little and compliant, Orla used to be her grandmother's golden girl. A little girl, to dress up like an expensive doll – what could be better? But now Orla is vivacious, attention-seeking, noisy, never sits still, forward...the typical second child. After two more grandchildren and a lot of babysitting, Orla has become an annoyance.

What had bothered Marie most was that she was trapped in the house. She hadn't been able to take Orla away from her grumpy grandmother.

The rest of the weekend passed off with no problems. We visited Marie's sisters where I found out that grandma wasn't such a great grandmother to her other grandchildren, either.

Marie is very glad to be home again. More determined to change than ever. If it helps her to fight agoraphobia, then her unpleasant weekend was worthwhile.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Orla, was grandma grumpy?"

"Yes. She shouted at me. Made me cry."

"But I shout at you sometimes too."

"Only when I'm very naughty."

"Weren't you naughty when grandma shouted at you?"

"No. I only wanted to go into the kitchen and get a drink."

"Sometimes people when they get older get a bit grumpy and shout a lot. You're still my good girl."

"But you're old too, daddy." [Thanks Orla!] She flashes me one of her impossibly innocent smiles, eyes wide.

There's no answer to that last comment!

"Daddy..."

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I miss grandma."

Well, I guess the events of the weekend didn't bother Orla too much!

Agoraphobia - trying to change

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:07:00 +0000

Six feet tall, lean and intimidating. That was my first impression of John. Then he smiled, and a much nicer persona broke free.

John is a former drug user and dealer. Depression and panic attacks forced him to reconsider the direction of his life. John stopped using illicit mind-bending substances...and started to use the legal ones. When I met him, he had got over the worst days, and now believed that a drug free life was possible in the not too distant future.

Marie met John in a cyberspace and he became one of her online circle of friends, all of whom have suffered from or are still suffering from anxiety disorders. After a while, learning that John lived in the south west, Marie invited him to visit our home. He accepted.

Sitting in my living room and chatting freely, John appeared friendly and open. He was intelligent, articulate and soft-spoken. He had a good, well paid, responsible job now. When he gave up illegal drugs, he also gave up all his drug using cronies, so he didn't really have any friends at the moment (except those in cyberspace). I liked him. He spoke to me about his mental health problems. He had been dangerously depressed, he told me, but therapy had given him a life-line.

"Do you do everything the therapist tells you to do?" I asked.

"Yes, I try to," he replied. "When I do, I feel better. I know that it's working for me. I have mostly got over my anxiety. I know I can get over the rest of my problems." John went on to tell me that, on advice from his therapist, he had changed his diet and had joined a gym. He had now embarked on a healthy lifestyle and felt that this had significantly contributed to his recovery.

Later, when John had departed on his homeward journey, Marie and I chatted about him. She felt really pleased that John had overcome the worst of his depression. We spoke of his positive attitude, healthy lifestyle and his attitude to therapy.

Why, I asked Marie, didn't she embrace a healthy lifestyle and follow her therapists' advice?

She replied that she didn't know. But she's trying to change that.

And she is trying to change. She's really trying. She's trying to reinvent herself, to be the woman that she would like to be. But the scale of the change is daunting her, and her lack of belief in herself is her biggest handicap.

I cannot help Marie to change. That can only come from within herself. All I can do is provide security, encouragement and support when required.

My wife has [not got] bipolar disorder

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:06:00 +0000

You won't normally catch me listening to the radio at 9 am - I'm much too busy - but often it's just playing away there in the background. Then suddenly I am aware of it and realise that something worth listening to is being broadcast.

This morning was one of those times. And the programme worth listening to was Taking A Stand with Fergal Keane. You can listen to it too - there's a link at the end of this post. Fergal was interviewing a married couple where the wife has bipolar disorder. He was hearing how the disorder is affecting their lives, both individually and as a couple. Of course, my wife has not got bipolar disorder; she has an anxiety disorder; but the similarities in how these disorders affect our relationships are many.

Read on and see if you can identify with the husband or the wife or their relationship.

The wife

The wife is aware that her disorder is a problem for her husband as well as for her. She worries about how much of a burden she is to her him. She doesn't want to cause him stress, distress or emotional pain. She knows that she is, at times, needy of his time and attention. However, she has to concentrate on "getting better"; and there are times when her disorder takes over her life and there is no space for other people's problems.

The couple

As a couple, when making plans for the future, the wife's disorder must always be a consideration. The biggest decision - which this couple has yet to make - is whether or not to have children. Can the husband cope with the additional responsibilities of parenthood during times when his wife is not only too unwell to help, but also a responsibility herself? How would children be affected by living in a household where one of the parents has bipolar disorder?

The husband

The husband's main problem is loneliness. When his wife is unwell, there is no real help for him at hand. Society doesn't want to know about the problems of people with a mental illness or about the issues that their carers have. The husband says that in this country, "care in the community means just one carer..." There is no backup, no information and no support. A physically unwell person can usually be identified by their appearance. Not so, for the mentally unwell. Most people can relate to the amount of effort required to look after one's physical needs, but not to look after one's emotional needs.

The husband has worries about their relationship. For him, the good things about their relationship outweigh the bad. But is he is the best person to look after his wife - particularly if she doesn't appear to be getting better? He sometimes questions his ability to cope. What if he left her - how would that affect his wife? Could he deal with the guilt?

I can well identify with the husband. And if I was a wife and carer, most of the same concerns apply. Everything the husband says about his relationship worries are issues which I have considered or am still considering. Also, the husband is totally accurate about the lack of support for the needs of the carer, and the isolation that most carers experience.

The husband recognises the support of his parents. I have the support of my adult daughters. How carers without family support exist, I really don't know.

The link

To listen to the programme, click here. The programme lasts 30 minutes and you'll have to endure a couple of minutes of other stuff before it starts.

A parting thought

Fergal asked, but wasn't answered, how the wife felt about the perception that her husband was virtuous and stoical in his devotion to his wife? Does she resent it? This made me think - do people see me that way? If they do, is that welcome? How does Marie feel about that perception? Do those being cared for feel that they are somehow less worthy people because they have a disability? Does this lead to an unequal partnership inside the relationship? Anyone care to comment?

Ancient aunts and agoraphobia

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:01:00 +0000

My aunt died recently, at the ripe old age of 92. For most of her life she had been a lively, bubbly, gregarious lady.

Aunt Maud spent her whole life in Belfast, the town of my birth. Her husband (my uncle), their family and my family spent lots of time together. We had many days out together, would stay each other's holiday cottages/caravans, and dined together frequently. Her children were a similar age to my sister and me, and we were close childhood friends.

She became widowed when I was an older teenager but still the families met regularly. Things changed when her daughter got married and moved about 35 miles away. Then her son got married and moved to England to live. I got married and my sister followed suit soon afterwards. My mother died. Family events ceased then.

My father still visited Aunt Maud regularly. They went on picnics on nice days, went to the theatre, went for a meal and occasionally visited me.

A few years later, I moved to England and my father joined me soon afterwards. Aunt Maud still kept in touch. She and my father phoned each other regularly.

Then my father died. Oddly, Aunt Maud didn't come to his funeral. I was surprised, bearing in mind how much time my father and she had spent together. I assumed that the cost of travel from Belfast to England's West Country was too much. After all, she was a pensioner living on a modest income.

Years passed. By this time, I had met Marie, set up home with her and our first child, Joseph, was born. I decided to take them to Ireland to see the places and people important to me. We visited my Aunt Maud - one of my important people. She was still living in the same little house she had always lived in and she was fit, healthy and still smiling. It was a lovely day and we went to a nearby seaside resort and had a delightful lunch at a restaurant which Aunt Maud recommended. Afterwards we drove along the scenic coast road. I stopped at a beautiful, empty beach. I took Joseph down to on the beach to play, knowing that Marie, due to her agoraphobia, would have to stay in the car. Aunt Maud volunteered to stay with her.

Later that evening, after Aunt Maud had been returned to her home, Marie told me of her conversation with my aunt in the car while Joseph and I were on the beach. Learning that Marie was agoraphobic, Aunt Maud revealed that she, too, had agoraphobia. She had been agoraphobic all her life.

This was a surprise to me, but when I considered this news, everything began to slip into place. Now I knew why Aunt Maud hadn't come to my father's funeral. On family outings, the adults would always sit near the cars. Aunt Maud never visited us on her own. When we went out for a meal, it was always Aunt Maud who picked the restaurant. I never knew her to take a bus trip anywhere - my father used to drive her around in his car. Her children and grandchildren who resided in Ireland quite often visited her, but she rarely visited them - requiring them to first come and pick her up in their car. She never visited her son's home in England and seldom saw her English grandchildren. For most of her later years, she spent the majority of her time sitting in her house, connected to the outside world only by her telephone. She was able to go to the local shop and Post Office - until the government closed the Post Office and the shop became uneconomic. After that she had to rely on her home help for shopping.

After that trip with Marie, I called to see my aunt every time I went to Ireland. I always took her out - to a place of her choice. I know that she really enjoyed these outings, although heart problems meant that she was becoming increasingly frail.

When I tried to call her on her 92nd birthday, the phone had been disconnected. I phoned my cousin to find out why. Aunt Maud, he informed me, had become too ill to look after herself and had to be moved to a nursing home (thanks for letting me know at the time, dear cousin!). In fact, she was so anxious about this that she had to be sedated so that the move could be effected. She never settled in the nursing home and died, friendless and with no family nearby, soon afterwards.

Aunt Maud, if I'd known how ill and unhappy you were, I would have flown over to see you.

I'm sad.

Agoraphobia can be a hateful affliction.

Anxiety sufferers corner

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:01:00 +0000

I thought it was quite unusual when I found out that my new next door neighbour has agoraphobia.

But what are the chances of the lady next door to her also having agoraphobia?

Pretty remote, I hear you say. And you'd be right. But yet, it's true. She has. Which explains why until recently I had never seen her.

There is a chap with a little Scottie dog called Bob who lives next door to my next door neighbour. The chap is called Bob, not the Scottie dog. Bob is in his early 60's, I'm guessing, and very pleasant. We both walk our dogs, and when we meet he will chat to me about the weather and other similarly interesting topics as his little dog checks out my dog's genitalia, and vice versa. I knew that he had a partner living with him. He mentions her sometimes. But I don't remember ever seeing her.

When my new next door neighbours moved in, Bob introduced himself and offered his assistance should they need anything. From time to time, my neighbours would see the shadowy image of a lady moving around behind the net curtains of the cottage. But why did she not ever appear outside?

Sometimes they would speculate about this. She might be being held there against her will - a sex slave or something. An illegal immigrant. Or a recluse. Or some type of ethereal being - not a real person at all...

One day they spotted a lady getting out of Bob's car. Introductions were exchanged. She was Bob's partner.

"You won't see me outside often," the lady said. "I'm a bit agoraphobic."

An agoraphobic neighbour on both sides? That was something they had never considered. They swapped symptoms. Seems this lady has mostly recovered from her agoraphobia. She can go most places that she wants to go to. She just feels uncomfortable sometimes and prefers to stay indoors.

What's more, her partner, my neighbour with the Scottie dog, Bob, has anxiety issues too.

Could you live in a village like this?

I'm thinking of starting up a colony for anxiety sufferers. There are five here already, living in three adjacent houses. A little anxiety sufferers' corner. Want to join our colony? Contact me and I'll put your name down on the waiting list. As properties in close proximity to our ours become available to rent/purchase, I'll contact you.

We could have our own self-help group. We could bulk buy therapy sessions. Specialist doctors specialising in health anxiety could move to the area. Disability payment claims could be made en masse. Local shops could be forced to become agoraphobia friendly. They would have to open at midnight once per week to accommodate social anxiety sufferers. Anyone else have similar suggestions?

In time, anxiety sufferers could become the majority of the population in this area. Folk without anxiety issues would be the odd ones. How weird would that be? "He's a bit eccentric," you would hear locals say about a newcomer, "he's never had a panic attack!"

Autism - my son's visit

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:01:00 +0000

Colm visited us on Friday at midday, as arranged. Collette and baby Lucas were here too.

I had several very urgent matters to attend to in my business...but I thought, hell, family is more important, so I took most of the day off.

Colm seemed to be good form and decided he wanted to stay until 7 pm, after dinner. After briefly chatting to us and telling me that he wanted to phone his mother (so it wasn't just a flash in the pan), he went into the kitchen to be by himself and to watch tv. He likes his own company. I tried to contact his mother, but there was no answer. Colm didn't appear to be too worried by this - it's rare for his mum to answer the phone when we ring. He went back to watching tv and eating everything in the house.

Around 4 pm, as Collette was getting ready to go home, Colm's (and Collette's) mother rang us. Colm was overjoyed.

During the ensuing conversation, Colm's mum arranged to meet him when she comes to see her grandson, sometime in March. She's going to take him on a shopping trip.

Uh-oh... Shopping trips with mum are always trouble.

Colm handed me the phone. "Mum tell you come March" he informed me, which meant that his mother wanted to explain to me about her forthcoming visit. I was relieved to learn that she hadn't given Colm a firm date for her visit. And no, she didn't want to talk to Collette just now.

Colm always communicates using truncated sentences. You get used to them after a while. Makes you realise just how few words you really need to convey information.

After the call ended, Colm asked Collette to take him back home. My house is, he informed me, "wee bit boring". I like it when Colm wants to go home. It means that he's happy there. It wasn't always like that...

Colm has been more relaxed since his visit home. He is apprehensive about seeing his mum, but I told him that it wouldn't happen until the end of March or April. If he's given a fixed date, he obsesses about it and, close to the time, has the worst anticipatory anxiety you can imagine. I can easily persuade his mother not to take him on a shopping trip - they always end in disaster - she can take him to McDonald's instead. That will please him and it's a much less threatening environment.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Collette later told me that, despite offering her the use of her spare room, her mother's visit is only going to be a day trip. So she's not going to be the doting grandmother, then... The photos which follow show what she's missing at the moment.

Autism - my son, his mother and the law

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:11:00 +0000

Colm has been exhibiting challenging behaviour over the last couple of weeks.

This happens when things aren't going the way he wants them to. The sort of things which wouldn't particularly bother you or me. Here's what was bothering him –

His arm was in a plaster and he was fed up with it
He wasn't able to see his new nephew for over a week, because he was hospitalised
He was upset by the effects of the earthquake in Haiti
The tumble dryer at his house had broken down.

Colm could have dealt with each of these problems on their own, but not all of them at the same time.

Colm's often can't explain why he is upset, so he will complain about something else – usually something else which he cannot change.

On this occasion he demanded to speak to his mother, visit her and stay with her for a week.

Seem like reasonable requests?

Colm has only seen his mother four times in the last 10 years. Two of those times were at his sisters' weddings, when both of them were present at the receptions. He only spent a couple of minutes with her on each occasion. On the other two occasions, his mother and her boyfriend at the time took Colm out for a meal and shopping. Both trips ended disastrously. On the first occasion, Colm's mother was banned from visiting his previous home by the management. On the second trip, she ended up leaving Colm, alone in my house for nearly an hour. She does try her best, but unfortunately she doesn't know her son. Being autistic, Colm cannot be forced to do anything he doesn't want to do, but she still hasn't worked that out.

Colm speaks to his mother twice a year – on his birthday and on Christmas day. Conversations last 1 – 2 minutes. There used to be more phone contact, but Mum often didn't call when she had arranged to, or wasn't in when she was supposed to be. Colm, to whom routine is essential, is not able to tolerate this kind of behaviour and that is why there are just 2 calls per year now. In any case, Mum has never objected to this or asked for more contact.

So I had a dilemma. Should I let Colm contact his mother – and risk it upsetting him even more? What if she arranged to see him? I could handle the 4 hour trip to her home, but what about the 4 hour return trip with a potentially very upset young man?

I sought advice from his social worker, and she explained the current legal situation. It seems that Colm, and any other adult in similar circumstances, has the right to contact anyone of his choice – in this case, his mother - even if the receiver of the call doesn't want it and/or it would be a very upsetting experience for him – even if this course of action is likely to be detrimental to his state of mind. No one has the right to refuse this to him, without getting him officially declared “unfit” to make that decision. If things go badly, those who care for him have to deal with the repercussions as well as they can.

Colm lives semi independently in a house with 2 other lads, both of whom also have autism spectrum disorders. A team of carers monitor them 24 hours a day. I arranged with the carers to delay any contact with Colm's mother until he visited me. He is rarely distressed when visiting me or his siblings, so that would be an opportune time to call his mother. Or if we get lucky, he'll have totally changed his mind by then, and won't want to speak to her until his birthday in May.

Colm is visiting on Friday. It should be an enjoyable visit for him – sister Collette and her baby, Lucas, will also be here. Additionally, his plaster is being removed tomorrow, so that will be another of the causes of anxiety removed.

Wish us luck. I cannot express how heartbreaking it is to see Colm when he is distressed. And it must be 100 times worse for him...

Baby Lucas home at last!

noreply@blogger.com (Robert) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:01:00 +0000

Orla can't get enough of baby Lucas!

Baby Lucas, my 6th grandchild, was born about 10 days late, heavy and after a prolonged labour. Additionally, quite common in the circumstances, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. He had fluid in his lungs, had some difficulty breathing and was too weak to suckle. He couldn't go home. After a couple of days in hospital, he contracted a chest infection and had to be treated with antibiotics.

It was over a week before he got home, and next day Marie and I and the children went to Collette's home to introduce ourselves to the baby. That was a couple of days ago. Lucas was unimpressed with our visit, but we were so impressed by him! He's beautiful!

Parents Collette and Neil seem to be totally baby orientated, so Lucas is certain of a good home. Marie and I, and sisters Colleen and Carla have all volunteered to babysit just as soon as Collette and Neil will let us!

Everyone related to the happy couple has been to see him by now - except Collette's mother, my 2nd wife (ex-wife, actually). Although Collette is her youngest child and Lucas is her first grandchild, she hasn't yet made time to visit them - nor has she any definite plans to do so. I hope Collette doesn't feel too let down by this. However, Collette and I have, and have always had, a very strong bond. She knows that her siblings, Marie and I really value her and her baby, and we'll always be there for them.