My Words are Mistakes, and My Thoughts are Unclean

Pavor nocturnus

2014-02-08T13:04:00.001-06:00

Whispers rattle through deadened doors;
feather-tipped tongues
that roll and spit
insects in amongst the bark.
The minute hand jars against my ear
like sandpaper.
The once damp linoleum cracking,
as my clawed talons
snarl and tear.
Rising to meet reflected cavernous eyes;
bloodied lips.
I can do nothing other than stare as
the mirror stains with blocks of black,
devouring my reflection
until I contort; disappear.
Ceasing to be before my eyes.

Crestfallen

2014-02-08T12:30:00.000-06:00

He sleeps beside me does not know,
my heart bleeds profusely a sickening glow.
And while he wakes I do caress,
knowing the heart loveless no less.
A tortured statue I have become,
his lack of love decants the rum.
Strength I wish, hope to forget,
tears fall in seclusion I can’t beget.
He holds me dear alone a friend,
rose amends, his lips he send.
Such a delicate embrace is this reality,
or attempt to please misguided charity.

A futile perception of past perfection.
A rampant resolve for resurrection.
The will of its nature consumed by yearning.
A terrible foe, a raged heart burning.
Apathy adorns the edges of its unsheathed sword.
Mercilessly slashing all screams ignored.
An imagined look the devils hook impressions never fading.
His brilliance of mind make my heart unkind.
Undiminished and unfinished loves poison courses.
Its presence inspires its friction mind fires.
Flashbacks of binding brilliance.
Remembered laughter and love fortifies resilience.
The life yet lived, wasted wanton.
A mind entrapped, the bindings strapped.
Where's the corner for the turning.
To resolve the loss the heart must cross.
The river it bleeds from yearning.

2012-05-26T21:26:00.000-05:00

Tumblr! http://battlescars79.tumblr.com/

2011-03-11T01:05:00.003-06:00

Stay here, so I can breathe
Love me while I seethe
And sink down below
No strength left to row

Hard to see
Your empathy
But I'm clouded
In my world that stays shrouded

It's mystery
Why beg for the life of me
I'm alone, and cold
No hands left to hold

I'm sick, with my head in my hands
Lost in life's sinister strands
Web of lies, or love
What difference is there, crow or dove

Am I wandering down
To the bottom, left to drown

2010-01-18T00:55:00.002-06:00

Lucky me. I had night terror tonight. Haven't had one for a few months though. Guess I was due.

Lying bare and reasonably comfy
My eyelids felt heavy and closed
My brain shut down and the show began
Pictures of all I fear
Horrific things only my mind could conjure up
A crumbling mouth exhales
Hot breath on my cheek
A foul stench and taste of rot
A loose lipped reflection
Empty gums spattered with blood
The stumps that never grow back

Raw emotions, vanquished hope,
sore muscles, slippery slope.
Shallow breath inducing sweat,
freezing cold, completely wet.
Fear fuels desperate crawl,
twisted spine, contorted ball.
Cursing dark, pitiful cry,
crawling skin, desperate try.
Faintest light, hypnotic pull,
tears gathering, eyes overfull.
Slithering serpents haunt sleep,
fangs injecting poison deep.

Imprisoned by my own fears
It saw right into my brain
Frozen in time
Left to chunder and choke
My mind screams
Trapped in the horrors of sleep

Sin Between the Sheets

2010-01-11T13:12:00.003-06:00

Written spring of '09

Touch, sweat, sigh
Fingers race against my thighs
Inhale, exhale, high
Nails tracing down your spine
Twist, pulse, heat
Skin to skin we meet
Writhe, lust, lead
Sin between the sheets

Don't Get Too Close

2010-01-11T13:08:00.002-06:00

Written spring '09, and that is a picture of me from the same time.

Sitting on her bed
Half empty
Half dead
The setting sun reflected in her hair
She could almost be beautiful
Almost be perfect
If you don't linger too long
If you don't get too close

Fall Apart Together

2010-01-11T13:06:00.001-06:00

Written spring of '08

we dance to the rhythm of destiny
sing to the harmony of fate
stumble forwards always looking back
happiness became a forgotten dream

we held each other close
a million miles apart
fell asleep to dream of better days

awoke to find...
... we still hurt
... we were still alone
together

every fake smile
an attempt to comfort
our screaming souls

every kiss
desperate
to believe our pretense

we could have loved each other
but history stole our hearts
so we stay together
in silence
only ourselves for company
two broken halves
that won't make a whole

sometimes we walk away
but we always find our way
back
to where we began

to fall apart together
again

Lust Electric

2010-01-11T13:04:00.003-06:00

Written summer of '08. And yes... I do own a pair of these boots.

Lust Electric
Gentle Nibble
Delicate Flick
Juices Trickle

Tender Mouthful
Indulgent Sips
Spasms Sinful
Gyrating Hips

Thrusts Entrancing
Feverish Pace
Teeth Caressing
Deadlock Embrace

Lust Electric
Unabated
Flesh Metallic
Liquidated

Bound

2010-01-11T13:01:00.002-06:00

Written summer of '08. No wonder I got pregnant this summer after years of trying...lol.

confident
in her depravity
silence
flesh versus leather
frightened
with quivering lips
slick
with her juices
whimpers
eyes closed to the world
pleading
he grants her release
shining
saliva and ecstasy
surrender

Angel of Disgrace

2010-01-11T12:55:00.001-06:00

Written winter of '06-07

i wish my eyes were shut
then i'd have no fears
go through life
without hate or tears

or if i were numb
i'd feel no pain
never drowning in shadows
or soaking in shame

kissing me softly
with one deep breath
sweeping me into
eternity with the rest

i wish i wasn't
always so alone
everybody's something
i just want to go home

nobody to talk to
they're all cloned and fake
and then there's me
easy to break

horrible things
said and done
but nobody will listen
to them it's fun

i hold onto my anger
stuffed in a box
chains all around it
attached are locks

sometimes i want to scream
so long that life escapes
then i'd shut my eyes
i'm the angel of disgrace

Entwined

2010-01-11T12:50:00.002-06:00

Written July 25, 2009

Toes curling
Soul crying
Skin indulging
Air strangling
Muscles pulsating heat
Nerves prickling needles
Bones icy cores
Pulsating tingling freezing
Down my spine
A sensation most sweet
A moment most intimate
I want to become you
I want to merge into your softness

wake up... Wake up! WAKE UP!!

2010-01-11T12:46:00.003-06:00

Written July 24, 2009

the cold night laid it's fingernails in icy screams upon my eyes
pulling my eyelids in freezing peels of waking sleep
hands clawing my belly drawing my life into knots of tears
and the smell of weeds choking my thoughts
cloaking my sobs in threads of dreams
night...
dragging my mind
nagging my muscles into spasms and wrenching coils
fingers twined in my staring eyes
breathless...
I almost wake

One Moment

2010-01-11T12:41:00.003-06:00

Written July 1, 2009

We lay hand in hand, head to head, eye to eye

The stars staring down, as if they were in envy

The moon radiating light upon us, as if we were a showcase

Crickets and frogs sing, a never ending list of cords and notes

An innovation of their collective mind, written from the soul and heart

One moment with you is a never ending canvas of joys and memories, it can never fade away

For My Raincloud

2010-01-11T12:33:00.002-06:00

Written Nov 16th, 2008, after the depression began to clear, and I realized how my son's love and my love for him had saved my life.

I - The Trial
I wander blindly through the sweltering desert
Tripping, stumbling, bitten by snakes and scorpions
My bare feet scorched and swollen
My face raw and red
The glaring, unyielding sun destroying me
My eyes useless and bloodshot
The relentless sun piercing my eyelids
My head pounding and ears ringing
The sweat, the tears, the substance of life
Draining from me a little more each day
I scramble from baking rock to rock
Hoping for a little bit of shade
But there is no mercy, there is no rest
And I trudge forward, lost and alone
Dying and broken, wondering why
Why don't I just die?

They say every so often in this desert
A raincloud comes and breathes life into the parched land
I once chased a cloud
Screaming, tearing at my hair
Gasping for air, believing so hard that just maybe
Maybe
Maybe
I could hide under that cloud
Even just for a day.
I finally collapsed, half dead and defeated
Knowing that what they say is a lie.

And so I continue, the sun growing hotter each day
I don't let the snakes come close
I kill the scorpions
I've learned to travel with my eyes closed
Sensing my path
But the pain is so real, so much worse
Now that I know it will never be relieved.

II - Regeneration
I see a cloud in the distance
My heart pounds with hope
Hope, that virus which eats your heart
And keeps you going against all odds.
But I snatch it away from myself and feed it to the snakes
Now they won't feed on me
And I won't die of broken dreams,
Again,
Once again.
The cloud grows closer, ever closer
I know I will never experience it's rain
But I start walking towards it, against my will.
I won't admit to myself that I want it so badly
Even as I lean into the soft breezes that drift towards me
Over the impassible distance.

One morning a raindrop came to me
It landed on my cheek
Crying for me the tears I no longer had
For such an impossibility
And never again will I be the same.
Transformed, I run as fast as I can to the cloud
No longer caring about the pain.

III - The Time Has Come
It is not possible, it can't be.
Even now I don't believe it.
My Raincloud has come.
My Raincloud, I adore and worship you.
I can see again
And
The
World
Is
So
Beautiful.
You heal the wounds and and salve the burns
I can allow myself to feel
Because it no longer hurts.
Thoughts of the harsh hurting sun are gone
Because the beautiful rain is falling.
You bathe me, and I drink the life giving water
My lips are no longer cracked and my throat is not sore.
I see something in myself
So strange
I didn't know it was possible for me to be attractive
Not after the scars of the desert.
But my meager and weak charms
Will never compare to the cloud that brings life
To the empty canvas
To the deep painful cavern
To the dying soul
To the long cold embers.

Life dictates that I will not be here forever
Living in your sweet embrace.
You freeze, and I can't penetrate your icy exterior
You evaporate, and I can no longer see you.
The wind will come and take you away from me.
But just let me linger while I can
Let me know what it's like to be loved
And I can make it through the rest of the desert
With a new courage.

Drowning

2010-01-11T12:31:00.001-06:00

Written spring of '07

Words I can't express
Thoughts I can't explain
Somewhere in the sunlight
I'm destroyed by the rain

I feel so numb and empty
Maybe in this life
I'll somehow find the ending
To my story, to my lie

He sees me as I'm beautiful
He tells me I'm his world
But something has been missing
Deep inside this girl

When I wake up
I wondered if it's time
To try my best to be myself
Stop my attempt to hide

And now I am just drowning
Suffocating once again
Not knowing what my life should be
Not knowing who I am

Where Darkness Fears to Tread

2010-01-11T12:30:00.002-06:00

Creative short piece I wrote summer '05.

Every morning I wake up feeling not quite right. With my mind still between the dream world and reality, I roll out of bed and walk into the next room. I wrestle my way into my jogging suit and slip on my Nikes. The CD player next to my treadmill begins to belt out familiar angry voices that stir my mind into complete consciousness, and I realize I am not alone in this room. Turning the dial on my machine as high as it will go, I begin my daily panicked sprint. A quick glance behind reminds me of what I already know. A dark entity is clipping along right at my heels. This is why I run.

Every day it wears a different mask. Yesterday it was depression. The day before it was remorse. The day before that it was fear. Today it's anger, and it's my own. I feel it bearing down on me. It touches me briefly before I quicken my pace to try to escape it. Instantaneously my teeth clench, my fists ball up, and I see the room turn blood red as I begin to seethe with uncontrollable rage. Hatred creeps in to consume me to the core, and I begin to breathe fire. I look down to see myself begin to change. I am becoming a hollowed, blackened creature of pure anger. What little part of me that is still human screams in pain. I am obliged to hear it's call, and it forces me to make a choice.

Every day I make a decision. Do I give in to my dark impulses and become them? Or do I beat them back and live just to run another day? My head is pounding, and sweat pours itself in buckets from my skin. My muscles are straining to keep the pace they've been taught to run, and my heart is ready to burst from my chest like a bullet. I am tired of running.

Exhausted, but not yet defeated, I turn to face my pursuer. I lock onto it with a wild-eyed gaze. My brow furls downward to steady this stare, and my upper lip curls upward in a defiant grin. My chest heaves as I start to catch my breath again. I begin to feel strength returning, coupled with a primal will to survive. My fists rise up to deliver a knockout blow. As usual, when it senses this insane determination, the beast quickly turns to flee. A sigh escapes my lips, and I shake my head knowing that tomorrow I will be on the run again...to the place where darkness fears to tread.

Warped & Twisted

2010-01-11T12:22:00.001-06:00

Written in '06, and yep... those are my crazy eyeballs...lol.

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted

New Blog

2010-01-11T12:02:00.002-06:00

So I'm shutting down all my old blogs, and consolidating some of my favorite works here instead. There were way too many, and they were getting too hard to manage. So over the next few days I should be posting quite a bit.