My Wrenched Brain

What a little act of kindness will do...

2014-07-31T14:18:00.001-04:00

I had to take the cats to the vet today. Nothing serious just updating shots. My vet is great and we have been going to her for some time now. She not only a great vet, she is a great person.

I'd fallen asleep after taking my husband to work and woke up right when I was suppose to be at the vet's office. I was so out of it, I struggled to dress and get the cats ready to go that I was a half hour late. The staff didn't seemed phased by my tardiness, but to rush was hard on my brain. It took some time to recover.

While the vet was looking over the cats, she began asking me questions. How I was, how was our summer, my husband's job. I answered her questions and we talked for a bit. She gave the cats their shots, said they were both healthy except for needing to lose a couple of pounds and we said our good-byes.

It was on the way home that it struck me how friendly my vet was with me and the impact it made on me to be treated so nice. For a number of years I was intimidated by her because of her authority figure of a doctor and have struggled so hard against that fear. Not to mention some bad luck with a few other vets that made me feel less than. I was stunned all the way home how it felt to be treated like a human being with a professional. It was like a chord had been struck inside me and resonated all the way home.

It wasn't the first time I realized this, she has always been friendly, but it was the depth I felt it when I didn't feel too altogether and her kindness just blew me out of the water. It was really cool to feel again and really be able to appreciate it.

What a beautiful feeling to feel equal to another human being. We should all have the privilege to feel such a great feeling.

I don't know how to be happy

2014-07-19T14:55:00.001-04:00

I honestly don't know how how to let myself be happy. For years I've been waited for the bottom to fall out and it always did without fail.

Today I keep waiting and waiting for the same thing and it really hasn't, although there have been many times it sure felt like it. Thus proving my point that the bottom is always going to fall out and life will always be a miserable struggle.

It was then that I realized that I didn't know how to be happy. That I don't know how to let myself be happy.

And it isn't just about being happy, it is probably more about acknowledging my existence. Something that was never given to me as my birth right. I was stripped of from the beginning. So not only have I spent a lifetime trying to find a reason to exist, but being able to accept it as well.

It has not been an easy road. It is hard for me to smile at someone just in passing, whether I know them or not. This simple gesture of being seen when I've been so invisible for so long.

It is so hard to believe I am alive and that I am alright.

And then there is always the case of "too much happiness" and we all know where that leads when you are bipolar. MANIA! And I have a healthy fear of them, so I tend to dumb down my happiness or excitement about life. Don't want to go flying off the handle and shooting for the moon!

I'm sure this fear plays a big part. I don't want to go where I was practically off meds and climbing the ceiling.

Have I robbed myself the sheer joy of living and feeling good because of my fear of going into a

mania? Which I can't really do because I'm on meds that control it. So what am I so scared of? Oh yeah, that right, that the worst is going to happen. And we've circled around back to the start of it.

When I didn't think it could get any worse during my childhood abuse, it did. And when I didn't think it
could get worse than even that, it did. It's been a constant pattern. I have fear everything that there is to fear and then some. And a lot of it did happen.

And I wonder why it is so hard to get out of. To just be able to let go. Live in the Moment and for once forget the bad. I have been able to do it before. Now I'd like to find a way to hold on to the happiness. And really hang on to who I am and be proud of me. That is my dream. To be who I really am, as much of the time as possible.

I would like to be free.

Resting camp

2014-07-05T14:46:00.001-04:00

I'm in the quiet wave of grieving. I had my emotional gut wrenching sobs earlier today and at the moment I am quiet. I lost two people in my life and two dogs (not my own) and along with my own personal grief comes up of the lies that are apart of my truth in my head. I am trying desperately to separate them and it is so difficult. It is like splitting the head and tails of a coin. The lies are that tight. It is interfering with my painting project and I am struggling to stay afloat. I am having to fight all my demons at once trying to stay out of my own self-negativity. I fell apart yesterday, pulled together, then sobbed all the way home. This after another direct reminder of the two people and two dogs that died.

It was all too much.

Once I cried today and that fountain of grief rushed forth, I was OK. I don't feel like doing anything and nothing is pressing. I'm trying to be calm with myself and take it easy. I don't want to fall down the slippery slope of depression, so I'm taking things slow today.

It's the painting that I can't let go of. It's those lies that tell me I can't, I won't, and that I'm way out of my league. Who am I kidding? The biggest of those lies is I can't do it. And that is one mountain I am trying to vault. Which I obviously can't do either. Mountains have to be climbed. Then you rest for a while and adjust to the lack of oxygen. With close calls and hanging on and trudging when you don't want to. Listening to your body and pushing it to the limit. Testing yourself while taking care of yourself. It is the only way to get to the top. You can't turn around to get there.

So I'm at my "resting camp" with the painting and my "mountain." Time to regroup and reorder. Getting back to the basics of taking care of myself. I still don't know how I am going to move forward. So I have to learn how to let go of it for now. I'm just too close right now to see clearly. But I don't want to bolt from it either, which is my fear and gut reaction to everything. Run, run, run. And never take another chance at anything again.

So I'm going to take care of me today and for the next few days. Naps, food, gardening, time with dogs and cats. And let the wind wipe my tears.

Cleansed

2014-07-02T21:34:00.002-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me, how I can be so high up and happy. Feeling the rhythm of life and being a part of it as well. I'm starting a painting project, as in painting a picture and everything is falling into place. I blast Nine Inch Nails all the way home and when I get here all I can think if the sky was too blue. Way too blue. And it's like having a crushing ball land in my lap. The sky is too blue. The sky is too blue. BLUE! BLUE! BLUE! It's too fucking BLUE! And suddenly everything they taught me to be is infesting me. Making me ill. And I try to run away and shake off the bugs, but they won't leave me alone. And I watch my favorite Bible study and take an anti-anxiety pill. I calm, but I still can't shake it. I can't get rid of all the slime and filth they scrubbed into my soul trying so hard to destroy it. A walk with the dogs and a friend and I STILL can not shake the feeling of vomit all over me.

Some might say I'm being mellow dramatic...am I? Because really it is just a blue sky, that needs to be toned down. But the only reason I found that peace was writing how I feel above.

Name it. Claim it. Dump it.

I should have come here first.

My little home away from home.

I feel cleansed.

Truth Protection

2014-06-23T00:57:00.000-04:00

So I'm just going to say it...I live in fear of my abusers reading my blogs. It makes me not want to write anymore. This used to be my own little piece of life here and I keep letting it be tainted by them. And I'm sick of it. They have controlled me for too many years and I let them control me in my head. It's stupid. For all these years I have worked and worked to heal from the traumatic things they have done to me and I have come further than I thought possible. But this, my blog, is my space and I'm tired of letting them rule my head. They will get what is coming to them, I am sure of it. I believe in God and karma, heaven and hell. So I will let go and give that crap to God and let him take care of it. I'm tired of letting them rent space in my head. I've done it for too long. And I'm taking back my blog. No one will ever stop me from speaking the truth. So let them go ahead and read it, because I'm going to keep on writing and talking and telling everyone what you did to me. And you can't do a thing about it. The secret's out and will always be out because I'll never stop telling my story and the evil people you really are. You don't scare me anymore. I am protected by the truth.

Life

2014-05-01T16:21:00.000-04:00

I finally called my doctor and asked her to raise my anti-depressant, like we had spoken about at our last meeting. Normally I would have waited until our appointment later this month to say something and continue suffering because I didn't want to bother her. Or I didn't feel worth it. Or it's not that bad, I can live with it for a while longer. But I didn't. And this gives me a chance to see how it is working before I see her and whether to make changes or not. So this is all a good thing.

My husband and I are going through a real stressor in our lives and it has taken it's toll on each of us. My depression really started kicking in when this stressor happened. Hubby has also been moody and depressed and has been deeply effected by this life changing situation. We are just starting to hit the tip of feeling better, but it has been slow going since last December when this all hit. Thank God we have the dogs and each other! I could never get through anything without him. He like my rock and my best friend. He understands what I've been through, even though he hasn't been through it. Like my mental health and my childhood abuse. He understands the why's. He just struggles watching me struggle in pain. If he could take it all on, he would, to spare me anymore suffering. He's just like that. And I love him for that and so many other reasons. We each agree there is nothing better than marrying your best friend. I am a very blessed woman to have found this man. He has helped through more than any counselor or therapist could ever think of doing. And I trust him, more than I ever trusted anyone in my life before. That is my wish for others, to find someone you can really trust, because it makes all the difference in the world.

So until next time, Cheers!

And the Gloves Came On

2014-04-10T01:48:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago, I beat the crap out of myself, without catching any warning signs beforehand or really any knowledge I was doing it. If felt like I had my head flatten to the ground and I couldn't get up for nothing. I have always struggled with everyone being better than I. In any way or fashion. And when I read others blogs, it seems to reaffirm that punched up feeling. That I'd-be-better-off-dead-feeling. No energy. No effort. As the gavel pounds again and again on my head. I am my own worst enemy. Later, when I realized what I'd done, I didn't want this worthless feeling to carry on into the next day. I decided to take action.

A found a love for boxing in my mid twenties. I love the art and sport of it. For a long time I didn't understand wanting to be beaten to a pulp, but it is the heart or the sport that caught me. And has carried on to the present with my own punching bag and boxing gloves. So instead of beating the inside of me to mulch, I took it outward with pumping music to release the anger that I was taking out on myself. It worked. I took what I needed and I left the rest. And my day started off feeling empowered. So much better than the last one. Suddenly I had the mental energy and the physical stamina to do more that day than I could think one good thought on the bad one. That was so much more work and more painful. With the whether finally letting up, maybe next time I'll hit on the bag.

How different two days can be. One set up to hurt myself and one to help heal. Seems like a simple choice, but as we all know when it happens, it isn't easy to make the right one.

This is how I feel.

2014-04-07T14:40:00.001-04:00

I read a post on Facebook that stated something close to this:

I've been stabbed so many times

that when someone handed me a flower

It took some time to figure out what it was.

It just made complete and utter sense. Someone finally got it and I wasn't alone and I understood. And someone understood and knew what that felt like. And that the damage that was done was so bad, that it took time to recognize what a flower was. Like messing with your mind and senses. This is how I feel.

Fuck em

2014-04-04T02:42:00.000-04:00

I haven't been writing hardly at all for the last two years. Either here are anywhere else. And now I feel back up with all these thoughts and emotions that are all jammed together. See, I think my abusers might be reading my blog. And it has been difficult to write. But as you can tell, I haven't quit yet. I am not going to let their old fears run my life. I didn't come this far to be beaten down by them again. Whether it's just a fear or whether they are really reading. Fuck em!

Now to carry on...

I've got so many issues that I'm not feeling out and getting out of my head on paper that I've caught myself in my own vortex. Nothing drastic or harmful, just more of a depression and apathy I'm really struggling with.

Here are some of them:

meds and my weight
depression/apathy/not feeling
losing my manias
PTSD and trying to understand it
struggles with physical and mental energy

Just to name a few. And that's not mentioning the major life change that happen in our family about a month ago.

So now that I've mentioned my fears, it is time to face them. One post at a time. :)

Fear of Manias

2014-02-25T01:35:00.000-05:00

I'm terrified of manias in general. They used to be so much fun, but they always turn ugly. I do everything in my power to keep my anxiety under control. This also helps the PTSD as it too runs on anxiety. While there are days I wish I wasn't so stable and boring, it is better than exploding into a full on mania.

The last major one I had two years ago did me in and made me see things that I had never seen. Being at home when I should have been in the hospital gave me a completely different perspective and the fear I was placing on others. Even my dogs were scared of me and I couldn't understand why. I bawled and bawled when I realized how bad I had gotten. I was just so out there, I couldn't see anything except every feeling of bursting to the moon. I thought everyone was in on the game and fun, now as I reflect back, I see how scary I was. I have no desire to go there again.

Have you found yourself in fear of manias? Or having a love/hate relationship with them? I did that for a long time. A long time because my depression were so long and so low and I couldn't go anywhere but up, up, up.

Now I'm just plain scared. A healthy fear, like not sticking my hand in the fire. Trying to do the right things to take care of myself. Doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I just miss being happy.

The Face My Fears Year

2014-02-14T02:40:00.002-05:00

Thank you for your prayers. I'm doing much better today. Fear is the by far my biggest problem. It wraps like a coil around me and tries to squeeze the life out of me. So I've deemed this year as "Face My Fears Year." I have to or I'm never going to be able to push myself forward. So far today I face about four fears. Two were rather large, the others were smaller.

One of the larger ones involved a project I have to do for somebody. It is daunting. So I wrote down all of my fears about it, then made a list of the positive. By far the fears outweighed the positives, but I know in truth the positives, even if there was only one, are greater than all the fears. And I was able to put it down and let go.

The other large one involves a project my husband and I are venturing on. I thought I did pretty good, even though my panic built up while we were working on it. I found myself getting sarcastic and critical and sharp as a reflex to the panic that was building. But I faced it, went through it the best I could and when it was over I was able to relax and reward myself. Lots of work needs to done in this area. When panic starts I want to fight. Or run. And for facing this fear, I wanted to fight and I did with words. Not too cool, but understandable. Hopefully the next time we work on this project I will have better insight to help me through.

One of the smaller fears involved a phone call that I'd been debating about to volunteer at the local school in a program I was involved with a couple of years ago. I dialed the school number, listened to the recording and hung up. Thought about it for a few minutes and called back. Turns out the program no longer exist, which I kind of figured anyways, but still there was some relief. I didn't have to make a decision, it was made for me.

And last but not least, I did something that I did not want to do that had to be done. And I had to nurture myself through it. Which wasn't easy. MY way is to beat and criticize myself because I didn't want to do something. This time, I took care of that inner child and helped her through. 2 points for me!!

What did I learn?
That the actual hardest fear to face was the last one. It was so hard not to tear myself apart. And it also meant going slower mentally and physically in order to nurture and support myself.

The project with my husband is a deep seeded panic that I have when we are trying to plan our future. So it was up there in the difficulty level. But was easier to take in with my husband there, I just couldn't seem to get rid of that panicky feeling and he got the brunt of it.

All steps towards loving myself. And I don't think I did too bad for today. ☺

Need prayers, please

2014-02-13T02:34:00.000-05:00

Spring is my worse season and because of the stressors that are happening in our life right now, my brain is reacting like it is spring. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. My mood is either flat, anxious, or low and fluxing from one to the next rather dramatically. I have been dissociating like crazy because I am going through triggers that are setting off alarms of fear all through my head. And I can't seem to get a grip on it. I'm shifting through denial and reality while having nightmares and thoughts about the past. My husband and I are going through a major life change that basically has changed our lives. An upheaval that neither of us saw coming and we are both struggling through it.

It is scary and raw life happening before our eyes. While my husband pushes forward through, I withdrawal. And I think I've pulled in too far. My faith is weary. It takes all my energy just to get through the day. I just can't seem to pull myself together. It's like I've never known how to even do it. Just writing this is a start.

Walking with me, myself and I

2014-01-24T01:38:00.000-05:00

Usually, for many reasons, I don't walk without a dog pulling me along. Fear mostly. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of being seen. The dogs are a good distraction for me when I'm walking to focus on them. Like I have an excuse to be walking and existing in that moment.

But today, it was too cold for the dogs to be out for any length of time and my cabin fever has been building up due to the frigid temps, so I bit the bullet and took a walk by myself. It was liberating and interesting all at the same time. Being so cold, I didn't have to worry about anyone else being out and about. Nor did I have to worry about dogs running up to like I do when I have a dog with me. I was able to let my mind wander and let go. It was nice. It was also nice for my body not getting jerked around or have to walk at an insane pace when I'm with a dog. I can't believe how hard my dogs are on my body because they are so poorly trained. It hurts. So it was a nice little blessing to myself and I enjoyed it. The cold didn't even bother me. In fact it made me remember why I've always liked it.

I took a walk to the tanner last week, but it wasn't so pleasant. All I could think about was basically how much I hated myself. Thought after thought I cut myself up and down thinking everything I do is stupid, including going to the tanner, which I do for the light during the winter. I haven't done it in a couple of years and thought with the dismal gloom and doom we'd been having a little extra sunshine might help. I don't go for many minutes and I might go every couple of weeks, if that. And it felt good and it helped.

Since I didn't have a dog with me for the that trip, I was very in tune to how I feeling and exactly what I was thinking. Without a dog to "hide behind" I was left with myself. And I realized I'd been having the same thoughts about my self hate even when I have a dog with me, making it difficult to focus and enjoy my time with the dogs. This isn't anything new as far as my thoughts against myself throughout the day, but they really stood out when I was walking without a dog.

So today was a nice treat. Like cleansing of the brain. And it felt good to be with myself and enjoy my own company. Something I'd like to do more often.

It was a good start.

Hope

2014-01-15T02:12:00.001-05:00

I didn't think we were going to be able to walk the dogs when hubby got home. I was already down and when I'd checked the road there was a couple inches of snow on it, but there was slick ice underneath. Not enough for traction and I thought it was a done deal. We couldn't go walking.

I'd been down for most of my days. It is hard to find what to do with myself because my mental focus is all over the place and I have to keep it simple. I've got projects all over the house to do and dive into, but are all large ones and right now I can't accomplish the small and simple ones. My energy has been draining, probably due to the lack of sunlight. We've had grey clouds every day with mostly snow and the bland greyish white cast is so hard and ugly on the eyes. I can barely stand it.

It continued to snow for the afternoon and I was unaware of how much snow we had gotten, already set in my mind that it was too chancy to walk the dogs and we'd have to do it another day.

Hubby came home and was gung-ho about walking dogs. Even though he'd had a long day at work and neither of us felt like it, he said he was going to do it for the dogs. As we bundled up and got the dogs ready, when I stepped outside I caught my breath, there was at least 5 inches of snow if not more and it was still falling just as fast. That meant the road was safe as the snow covered the ice, but it also meant trudging through the snow making our own path.

By the first and second dog, I thought I wasn't going to make it through, but it felt so good to be outside doing my most favorite thing, walking the dogs. It was almost two hours of walking to take each dog one by one, but it was a great workout and time alone with each dog and hubby. I was so glad that the road was OK so we could walk.

I guess I just saying that I'm so grateful for all the snow we got so we could walk the dogs. And that I really needed that time outside, in the beautiful snow, enjoying time with the ones I love the most. And if it wasn't for hubby pushy me gently along and being so determined to not let the dogs down, we might not have enjoyed such a wonderful wintery evening. Thank you hubby.

Fears, Anxiety and Lucky to Remember

2014-01-10T01:26:00.000-05:00

I guess I should get a post into the New Year, before the month slips by. lol

Blogger was screwing up with all my blogs and I couldn't get into this one for a while. Which built on the fears I was already dealing with. Doesn't take much for paranoia to strike deep as I push through my past abuse. A little mania that was so much fun started to turn as it always does into fear, anxiety and paranoia. Tangle in the web of flashbacks and little things from what happened to me that were magnified on that ugly side of mania.

I became semi-paralyzed. Voices in my head were overcritical and self hating. I couldn't stop them. I rebuked, I prayed, they wouldn't stop. It took several days to remember the voices are part of my PTSD and I finally started taking anti-anxiety pill.

I miss my old doctor so much. It was with her that I understood further and deeper into my own pysche.
As she directed most of what I was dealing was, was the aftershock and aftermath of the abuse. And seeing her on a regular basis made such a difference in helping myself out.

So I got some much needed sleep, had dinner with hubby and I'm doing OK. Feels good to again in control of myself and taking care me.

Thank you Dr. Miller. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Next time I will remember sooner, because of you in life I have a choice and chance, because gave me what no one could, the truth.

Day after Christmas

2013-12-27T02:08:00.000-05:00

I used to love winter. I loved the snow and cold, but mostly I loved that it for the lack of people out and about. Unlike summer which is always a high traffic season. In fact I used to get more depressed in the summer and would be fine through the winter. Now I've been getting depressed through the winters as well. And the season just started. I feel like it's all getting me down. I don't know if it is the fact that we are buried in snow or that the temperatures have been at recording breaking lows for December, but its all rubbing me the wrong way. And it's not that I'm any happier staying inside. My energy is low, I feel lethargic, and my brain is mush. And all I can ask myself is: More meds? Less meds? What am I suppose to do? I'm having a hard time focusing and everything has become an effort. I really have to push myself to do things to take care of myself and it's hard to care sometimes. I'm tired. So tired I could sleep all day and never think twice of it. I don't know what to do. Or I do and I'm scared. I don't want to take more meds. But I will probably have to if I want to make it through the 3-4 months. Which isn't really so bad, but just the thought of upping my anti-depressant again, more chemicals in my system, I just feel like it will be too much. But then again, right now I don't have much to go on. I know with all my heart, it isn't going to get better. Depression has been with me since I was born. I don't know anything else. Never really been free from it. There are other things I can do, they wear me out just thinking about them. I need help. And I want to get a handle on it while were still in the beginning stages instead of waiting until it becomes a crisis like I usually do. Yay, I like that idea. I really like it and it gives me hope even as I sit here and type.

I don't care and my PTSD dog

2013-12-19T02:20:00.000-05:00

I keep finding myself coming back to this place of not caring. Saying's like "what's the point" and "who really cares anyway" keep circling back around in the cycle of my depression. It isn't hard enough to hurt myself with, but it is just enough to make me feel hopeless for anything. I know it's an old survival technique in order to cope with what was happening to me and it is also a sign of depression. The difference is it doesn't stick around very long. It comes and goes but it is always kind of there in the back of my mind.

Sometimes my depression feels like I'm wandering around in a maze that I can't get out of. And sometimes I know what to do and other times I don't care if I ever get out. Sometimes I wonder if I will always be haunted by the past. And other times I don't care. I don't care if I'm haunted and I don't care if I'm not.

Some days it just stings more than others. Yet, on the overall, my doctor helped me with find a way to stay in the present. And so did my dog Zappa. He stares at me until I look at him. I can feel his stare like heat through my eyelids. And once we are looking at each other he doesn't let go. We stay connected until I realize what he's doing, bringing me back to the present. We have shared a unique bond in this way. And somehow we just keep getting closer. He just did it. And it worked. And he did it again. And again it worked. I didn't train him, nor did anyone else. My PTSD dog.

Cool, huh?

Let's just shoot the shit

2013-12-17T01:37:00.000-05:00

We are going through an Arctic blast that has become miserable. Today was so bad the dogs couldn't go out very long without their paws freezing up, which means I didn't go out either. And while it is suppose to "warm up" tomorrow and the next few days, my cabin fever is already running at a moderate pace. Which is enough to make me feel crazy. (and I really don't need any help in that area!)

My mood is low in the mornings and runs higher as the day progresses. I'd still say I'm feeling pretty balanced overall when it comes to being bipolar. When I'm able to get outside regardless of how cold it is and have something physical to do, I feel better. Although more time inside means I'm smoking like a chimney and that is driving me nuts, but I'm having a hard time slowing down.

The first thing I thought when I saw it was -8F (-22C) out, was I couldn't go outside today. And that put a huge ax in my plans and my mood. I was angry. I'd already been going out when it was 14F (-10) degrees, but this like many things in life was just too extreme and it made my day more difficult to deal with. And I missed going outside, playing with the dogs and shoveling. It just made it harder to deal with. But we have plenty of wood and a warm house and I was grateful.

And if the worse day I had was a day that was too cold to go outside AND had a warm roof over my head, then I guess I'm not doing too bad. I needed more of that perspective today and less of the negative one. It would have been nice to be able to turn that around a little bit earlier in the day. :)

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I'm not doing a very good job on my December NaNo month. Writing for 30 days in a row. But like many things I have the choice to start all over and do it again. Any time I want. So I will try, try again. Starting today, because I can. How nice it is to make simple choices that make little difference to anyone else, but give me a freedom to relish in.

Have a great day!

My Therapy Dogs

2013-12-04T01:11:00.000-05:00

I was getting lost in a nightmare that was about to get worse. One of those terrifying ones that feels like someone is trying to steal your soul. When my dog Chance starting licking my face and my other dog Blaze pawed at my head. As I tried to come out of the murky fog, they did it again. Next thing I know the other four of my dogs are howling, while Chance and Blaze continued to wake me with an urgency that had nothing to do with them or anything on the outside. They were saving myself from me.

It's the first time I have any conscious knowledge of them purposefully waking me from a nightmare. They may not be certified therapy dogs, but they are my life savers. Their intervention saved me from getting trapped in a nightmare that would have lasted much longer. That's how in tune they are with me. I can't count the number of times that I would start getting scared at night and at that exact moment my dog Fiona would curl on my leg. Solid mass of comfort and security. And I would fall asleep immediately. We went like that for a couple of years. My furry saviors save me everyday from myself and my brain.

I could write a book on the many ways my dogs have saved my life. Today they saved me from me. I was so grateful, I cried. My dogs are my heroes. I love that we are there for each other and will be for a long time.

December

2013-12-03T02:41:00.001-05:00

It's December. The rush for Christmas is on, except in this house. We have a very low key holiday. Even without the fuss of Christmas, it is a stressful time of year nonetheless. With the winter months looming ahead and the sun which is rarely out to begin with it doesn't take much to get depressed with the added darkness swallowing us more and more each day.

So in that case, I'm setting up a game plan, by committing to blog every day for December. This is my Nano month.

I remember thinking today more than once, what is the use? What is the point? I would wallow for a while in this, stirring my own pot, but the deadline of the dying sun would bring me out of it. If I wanted to get X,Y, and Z done, I had to push myself a little more to do so. And I did.

So I'm giving myself some credit for that. So many times before, I couldn't get out of depression even if I had a gun to my head. For days and days on end, I couldn't do anything. And I didn't care. I really didn't care. Now there must be a reason or a purpose I feel that doesn't let me stay like that. I think it means I really do care about myself and others. That's pretty big news from someone who's been suicidal for so many years. Didn't matter how much love I had around me, it all meant nothing because I hated myself so much. It's taken a long time to care for me. A very long time. And I'm ever so grateful to have the power and love not to live in that mental state on a constant basis. And thank God for the meds!

Name it, Claim it and Dump it.

2013-12-02T01:31:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how "Name It, Claim It" works so quickly and effectively. My last post I just needed to get the words off my chest and say them without anyone telling me anything different or that it was wrong or needing to be changed.

That in itself was freeing and liberating.

That I could say every single one of those words and not get tripped up in other people's thoughts about it. (like if I'd talk to a real person.)

Totally cool. And because of that I Name It, Claimed It, and was done with it. From there I had one of my most productive weeks I've had in a while.

It was really awesome. The world didn't swallow me up, asteroids didn't crash into my head and the Earth kept on moving even though I said I was depressed. It was a nice feeling.

Name It, Claim It and Dump It.

Sounds like a good plan for next time. :)

Sliding...

2013-11-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

I'm slipping into that dark place and I am curling up and letting it take me. I haven't been able to write about it because heck, I can't even acknowledge it to myself.

My husband who's happy to be home, can't understand my sorrow. Or how heavy life has become. Or how I really don't care. That emptiness pouring into my soul and pushing everything out. Hollowed and chilled is how I feel.

I've been having crying spells. RED FLAG. As much as I want to slide down this slope where it is quiet and dark and feels safe, I know it isn't.

It's time to make that call to the psych doctor and ask for a raise.
(in my meds)

My Self Sabotage

2013-11-01T19:57:00.000-04:00

Not sure what I want to say, but I'm not getting anywhere by not writing, as it has always been such a great tool for straightening me out.

For one, I want to upset the apple cart. Now that I am stable on my medication, I've been seriously thinking about cutting it in half. My husband doesn't think that thought is funny at all. In fact he finds it rather repulsive. I'm basing my conclusion on the few days that I miss my morning meds, (like the other morning) and felt great all day long. Especially my body and my brain didn't feel so foggy. And I remember laughing quite a bit and being in a good mood. It would be so nice to feel that way every day. Although if I take into account the good news I got at the doctor's office, being out and about with hubby for the day shopping and about 4 hours of sleep, I think I would have still been giddy even on my meds.

I haven't fantasized too long about it as I'm noticing some depression sinking in with the seasons changing and the fact that it's getting darker earlier and was thinking I may need to up my meds. So I think one thought cancels the other, but going on half my regiment still is there in the back of my mind. I can't help it. I'm so good at self sabotage. Still a few more weeks before I see my psych doc...so we'll see.

Alive!

2013-10-17T01:16:00.001-04:00

For as much as my body and mind locked up last week, I was just the opposite today. Open and free. My body felt fluid and I took long walks with the dogs, not wanting to stop, but not wanting to overdue it too much. It felt great!

I feel my mind cementing more and more every day. Even on the down days or really off days there is still something solid with my brain that I can rely and trust and that is a great feeling. I love the sense of grounding I feel and the chance to be and stay in my own body, instead of the flight response to anxiety and triggers from my abusive past. I'm more connected to my body that I've ever been in my whole life. I'm not flying into panic attacks that sends me into paranoia that has been the core of my life. 95% of my time I'm not self mutilating. That is HUGE for me. I'm actually feeling my feelings without doing it or being triggered to do so. I'm realizing more and more every day that I am here and that I exist and that I'm a part of this world. All the good and bad of it. And I am more than just a survivor, I am thriving.

I had one of the best day I've had in a while, surrounded by several more that just keep adding up. It's a great feeling. It is good to be alive and living. Something I've also never felt before, but man is it great!

I feel like I can finally rest for today.

2013-10-12T14:36:00.001-04:00

While it may sound silly, but I've had this idea for the new blog look for some time, I just couldn't figure out how to do it. I tried several times with no luck. And now that I'm here, I can finally rest that part of my brain.

Yesterday was a tough day. I could not push myself to do anything. It was like my body and brain were on lock down. Like trying to push a wall. I'd really been pushing myself for the last few weeks and keeping busy and it was like I froze. I couldn't push anymore. I took most of the day, but I finally gave in to the fact and stopped trying to make things happen. It wasn't long before hubby was home and as always when he there everything felt better. And again, I was able to rest my body, mind and spirit. Everything was OK.

Last night the tears fell and I was able to put that part of my past to rest.

Which makes for a quiet day today and I'm enjoying the silence.

How are you doing?