My Wrenched Brain

Well that was a trip...

2013-05-20T00:45:00.000-04:00

So the doctor and I came to an agreement about changing meds. I was still uncertain whether to do it or not before I went in, but I wanted to address my side effect concerns. A reduction on one, an increase in the other lead me to a mania I was unprepared for. Never occurred to me that it could happen. No warnings from doc. What ever made me think that I wouldn't go into one was beyond me. It built up over five days and I thought it was just the meds starting to kick in, then everything was out of whack for the following five days. I tried to wait for it to balance out, but it didn't. So I went back to my previous med regiment. There was a notable difference the next day. It's taken a couple of days but my brain and body and starting to come around. And then...the crash. Never as far as deep as what they used to be, but still I missed being happy, before the mania took it's turn for the worse this time.

I've been stable and becoming more and more stable, like really sinking into this balance and stability that it really threw me for a loop to change my medications and run up against a drug induced mania, that I didn't have any control over. I bawled when I went back on my regular medication out of fear and the terror of losing such control over my mind. Because one of the side effects of the meds is they slow down my metabolism and I am overweight. I've struggled with my meds and my body for a long time, but as I cried I realized it wasn't worth losing my mind over it. It wasn't worth what I went through in that mania and the fear it invoked for the extra pounds I have to deal with. I also realized that I've accepted my body as is and that I'm OK with it, if it means having a sound mind. In fact it is more than OK, it is worth it.

So while I still try to eat right, exercise and take care of myself, I believe everything has a way of working itself out. And that includes my weight. In time, it will all be worth it, because I am worth it.

Trusting doctor, changing meds?

2013-05-03T14:49:00.000-04:00

I am really struggling with a decision I want to make, but can't seem to do. One of my med's side effects is beginning to interfere with my daily life. The problem is I trust it to my brain, that it is helping with my bipolar symptoms and PTSD.

The side effects are getting worse and there is nothing I can take to take care of it. I've tried everything natural and prescription wise. Nothing works. It is a matter of cutting down on this medication or trying something different all together, both which give me great fear. So I've been flip flopping back and forth with my decision. One minute I'm OK with it and the next I'm not.

I see my psych-doc next week. I'm really beginning to trust her instincts and judgement so I'm hoping she can help me with my decision. Problem is I don't know that I'm ready for a change. I'm scared of change. But I have to do something I can't keep going on like this. It's hurting others around me besides myself.

So it becomes a huge leap of faith, to trust someone else and letting them help with the decision making. And right now I need all the help I can get.

The hardened seeds

2013-05-02T00:44:00.001-04:00

When I come here, I feel like I'm looking at myself dead eye in the mirror, so I tend to put it off for as long as I can.

For me it means being dead honest at that moment for as much as I can at that moment.

I had a dream that clarified a person that has haunted me for many years and I found I was only hurting myself by doing what he wanted me to do before he asked or told.

Because I thought I had to.

Like when I was a kid, I was made to eat one brussel sprout even though I hated them. Eventually as I grew up I still ate that one sprout without being told I had to. Because that's what I was taught. I didn't have a choice. So why bother asking for different. It was just automatic.

And that's what this abuser has been doing to me all these years, eating that brussel sprout whether I had to or not. Didn't matter what it was or what I had to do, I just did it without asking. I was brought up to be a slave and everyone was my master.

There has been a lot of brainwashing in this process, perfected over the years. Polished. It has taken years to begin to unravel it and I'm only getting started.

All the important things like self worth, self value, self deserving, self esteem are hardened seeds sitting on cold concrete floor. Just sitting there. Waiting.

And I terrified of adding a little dirt and water. Petrified of what might happen. Scared they will die. Scared they will live. Scared. Scared. Scared.

And this is where I am. Not wanting to go through the corridors to find the room where the seeds lay. Spilling my handful of dirt as I wobble back and forth. So if I find them without any dirt, I will prove myself right. Or I will have barely enough to for them to germinate. Hmmmm....which do I really want?

Seems like an easy question. On I trip over every day. Who will win? That's the real contest in my head. Can we destroy her? Or do I love myself enough to care?

What are the demons you fight every day?

:)

2013-04-17T01:23:00.003-04:00

Man that last post really sticks out. Harsh and ugly. Those are the really, really bad days. Yesterday when I wrote it, it felt normal. Been there so many times. Lived it for too long. So when the monster reared its ugly head again, I finally slayed it by writing in down. And today I was able to tell myself that I am OK, when I passed the mirror today. Was even able to look in my eyes for more than a few seconds. And while those thoughts of self hate are never too far behind, I felt like I was able to face it by looking it directly in the eye with some truth. And I felt pretty good about that! :)

I HATE

2013-04-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

I watched an elderly woman on the news have her dream come true after being in a semi coma for five years and I looked at her with hate. Not because of her being able to live her dream, not for being severely ill, but that she was a person. My self loathing for people had hit rock bottom.

My husband mentioned it this past weekend, my hate for people.

I didn't know what he was talking about.

After years and years upon years of knowing nothing but self hate from my abusers, it has finally turned outward. And I'm coming out swinging.

When I finally broke down after watching the news story, I saw my reflection in my dog's eye and cursed it.
Not because of how I felt, but for who I am.

*Staring in the mirror*
LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BITCH! WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? THAT FUCKING CUNT HAS THE GULL TO LOOK BACK AT ME?
*Turn away quickly*

In about 15 seconds of eye contact with myself, there is nothing but seething hate, disgust, and utter contempt.

And I'm suppose to say "I love you" to that?

How does one do that? I can't fathom.

How do you love yourself, when you don't feel the love?

Coming in

2013-03-28T00:56:00.002-04:00

It doesn't take long after having a good run to coast on that runway. Like hitting a tripwire that can't be avoided. I can feel the tears swelling in my chest. Spring is a trigger. And while I don't think it will be as difficult as in the past, it will be there. And that's OK. I think I'm ready for it, more than I've ever been. Each day I feel a minute braver and more inside myself. And I think that's pretty cool. Yeah me!

Heard this and thought of you Meredith: Alice in Chains-Nutshell -thought you might like it. :)

Turning to some alternatives

2013-03-21T13:25:00.000-04:00

I've been experimenting with green tea, ginseng and B-12/Complex for mental and physical energy without playing with my meds. Which I would normally do when I've been depressed for months on end with no relief in sight. Playing doctor only left me in horrible manias that put me right back on my med formula with still no relief.

This experiment is working.

For the first time since I can remember I am waking up with a clear head. Not that drugged over one I'm used to, which makes for a much better start to the day. And this is before I have my green tea with ginseng in it. It is like a miracle.

After I take my morning medications I tend to have a bit of a slump, but it's more like just a dip in the day. Maybe something that "normal" people have who aren't bipolar and have to constantly regulate their mood swings. Late afternoon I may take some B-12/Complex or I may just have another half a cup of green tea. And I'm good.

I've been doing it for almost a week and I still can't get over how clear my mind feels, without that heavy drugged feeling. I am actually able to think and function shortly after getting up and my days are more productive as well. I can't remember the last time I just felt happy, to be happy.

And if I get a little manic, my dog Brut is a good barometer. He reminds me to take a step back and breathe. He lets me know when I'm getting a little too crazy.

Brut Zen

phantom tree

2013-03-18T17:10:00.000-04:00

She turns on the radio as the last of a familiar song filters through her brain. Staring out over the landscape the music reminds her of a different time and place. As the words come into focus, so does a large stump several feet from the truck she is sitting in. As her eyes begin to clear, the stump becomes the central point. It is a about three feet high and almost the same in diameter. Oak or maple, she can't be sure, but it seems to speak to her. The size of this stump is overwhelming enough. Her eyes follow the line of where the trunk used to be. Though her view is obstructed by the vehicle, she is stricken by the enormity of this phantom tree and her communal connection with it.

She feels the loss. She feels the emptiness of the large space and volume this tree once took. She feels the death. She has tried so many times to explain her grief to herself, to try to understand what it is, to define it, but it is the vastness of this phantom tree that paints the picture that she can begin to grasp.

There is a moment when the piercing thought of the view this massive tree was blocking grips her. The same view that captured her when they stopped. The same one she would have never noticed was there if the tree was still there. And for a fleeting second, she thinks it is better that the tree is gone to have this view, but quickly dismissing it as the pain is too great to contemplate. That what is missing has stunned the woman and her perspective.

She is not sure which is more painful. The vision of the tree that was or the stump that is there now, but she knows they both represent the loss she feels. And for now it is a place to start.

© 2013 My Wrenched Brain (Written in Sept 2011-during the grief of my life and the emptiness that hollowed me from my childhood abuse and reliving it daily at it's peak.)

Living without the memories

2013-03-05T12:04:00.000-05:00

I've been reflecting back over the past year or so and something my psych doctor was so adamant about was my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from my childhood abuse. She tailored my meds and my recovery around it. When I checked back on some of my old hospital records I see I received the same diagnosis but it was never mentioned to me. This was the first doctor who addressed it head on and has helped me live virtually free of reliving my abuse over and over. I have actually been able to take steps to walk away from it, which I never thought possible.

I remember the first time she mentioned PTSD and things started clicking in my head. It made sense. It was one thing have a memory and flashbacks, it was another to be bashed over the head with it over and over again. I was always trapped in the past.

I also remember the first time she said it was time to put those memories in a box high up on a shelf and I thought (1) don't tell me what to do with them, they are mine, they are who I am and (2) Yeah, right. I'd been haunted for years. There was no way to stop the terror. It didn't take long once the meds were worked out and starting to balance, those memories put themselves away. High on that shelf.

They are not forgotten. I still remember everything that happened to me, but I'm not living it in the presence. They are not thrashing around in me trying to lay a choke hold on me. I still get sad and angry but not everything I touch fuels those feelings and I don't have to live on them to survive. It is a nice feeling.

I notice when I do start down that road of reliving something, I can catch it in the beginning and make the choice not to go. Before I didn't have that decision to make, my brain just took off with the feeling, or trigger or thought and now I have a choice. Do I really want to relive something awful again and again or do I want to embrace my new life and world full of the love that is here, right now in the presence? For the most part I choose not to hurt. Yes, I slip up and following memory lane sometimes, but it doesn't take days or weeks to get back on track again. It takes lots of self monitoring and being conscious of my thoughts and feelings, but it is so much easier with the right meds and support. My doc is even helping out my husband.

I was so afraid of having this gaping hole if I let go of my past that I would just blow away in the wind. But I'm finding that so far from the truth. I am not my past. I am a person and a soul before they ever touched me and I still am today. My life is full to the brim with love, I never realized how much was actually here until I finally got a chance to stay for a while.

Depressed

2013-02-19T01:07:00.000-05:00

So as much as I'm changing and putting some time under my belt, the doldrums of winter are getting tougher to bear. It is slowing me down to almost a standstill. I'm struggle to do much of anything more than basic needs. Grey clouds dull the landscape into muted shades of a dead mouse and really it is about all I can take. While I'm not driving down into the great abyss or being sucked into black holes nor am I up against the wall with a knife to my throat, I'm not happy. I've been more irritable and numb. I have to push myself to do anything and that includes with the dogs. And it is just tough. I'm still spellbound why I used to love winter, the cold and snow for so many years and now I just want to hibernate.

All I know is that I can come here and talk about depression and you will understand. I don't even have to explain it or give an example, you guys know. I'm still reeling from the deaths of two of our puppies that died last October. They had homes, both deaths tragic and unexpected. I'm sure it has added to my depression.

I guess I really came here just to be understood. And not looked upon as a freak. I just need to be heard. I'm depressed.

Changing

2013-02-13T21:08:00.000-05:00

I let myself be vulnerable on my dog blog and shared my imperfections. (post HERE) I only got 2 comments. I've been open about my struggles before because the dogs are my healers and normally I would be devastated by the lack of response, but this time, I expected it and it didn't bother me. I would have read into all the reasons why and the people I thought I would get a response but didn't and actually right now I'm fine with it. My healing and well being go hand and hand with my dogs. All my life. I've shared I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. But today I also shared how my character defects splash all over them too. And sometimes people are offended by anything that they think isn't love for a dog. Believe me, I know first hand the cruelty by people to animals, but this was me struggling with my self acceptance and that means I struggle with the dogs as well. They are hardly poster dogs they have issues and sometimes I wish they weren't who they are because it makes life more difficult. And difficulty is my middle name. There's a wonderful quote at the top of the dog blog post, that really says it all and I know I can't be alone in thinking this. When I harp on myself , I harp on everything around me. But when I'm good with me, I'm good with everyone else. It isn't that hard of concept or reality. We all feel that way at some point and wishing with envy over someone else. Well I grew up wanting to be someone other than me. I was hated to the point that self hate is part of my being. I have to literally slam on the brakes in order to change that thinking. And slowly I have been doing that. And if I'm doing that with me, I'm doing it with everyone else. Dogs, cats, and hubby included. It is a harsh reality that for a very long time I didn't know I was doing it it was part of my blood. And so I've been learning to filter and it isn't easy. I haven't self mutilated in almost a year, except once during my worst month when I was on high anxiety and dealing with my worse fears. That has been HUGE! I just start to do it and I stop myself. THAT IS AWESOME!! That is a whole lot of self love and acceptance not to hate myself and tear myself to pieces. It is really cool to have fingers again without bandaids and screeching pain, OR ripping the skin off my inner cheeks. They have actually healed and have been for some time.

Something is changing for the better. And it is continuing as I learn to channel my anger where it should be directed. LIFE IS AWESOME! I never knew I could enjoy it this much. No matter the depression and hard times, gifts like not trying to kill or mutilate myself in any form is priceless. If that was as far as I was to get in my recovery, I have gained more than enough to be happy. :)

To anyone who reads this...Thank You.

Clarity

2013-02-11T15:16:00.002-05:00

My blog has always been black. Black, black, black, with some color. As I heal and grow, my blog has changed and grown with me through each phase of my recovery. Today I knew my words needed clarity. I was having a hard time reading them. So as you can see I changed my post background to white. Color has all sorts of meaning to an artist like me. I got tired of sinking into the murk and the many shades of grey. So I gave it depth and clarity. I may not be through. This may only be a small phase. I've changed it twice already in less than 24 hours. It is my cyber canvas that I hope will convey everything I mean when I come here to write and be who I am. Right now I am playing and it is one of the things I love about Blogger, I have a lot to play with. So bare with me while I find my voice and stretch my creative hand to show you more of who I am today.

Thank you readers. :)

the Train Wreck flying around me

2013-02-05T00:39:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm holding a train wreck in one hand and some form of peace of mind in the other. It's a strange feeling. Everything is OK inside my head (for the most part) while everything else on the outside is a mess. Although I can feel the wear and tear from the external forces of life and my mood is fluctuating, I'm OK. It's really the only word that fits. I believe I will somehow make it through even if I don't get everything done because I couldn't take life any more at that moment and took a nap instead. And that's a new word, thought, action, I believe. I've never believed I could make it through anything. No matter how many times I was at the end of my rope, trying to die, I didn't think there was a reason to make it through. And no matter how many times I talked about my childhood abuse and made it through, I didn't believe I really had as it plague me every day. And people would say it was so great to be alive. I couldn't understand that. I couldn't get it. I couldn't believe it. And I'm starting to. The fact that there are reasons and purposes, small and large that I was a part of, I couldn't believe that. And I'm believing now that it is true. That I matter and have a voice and choices in how I choose my life. Decisions I can make to change how I feel or what I do. It isn't all there, it doesn't click all the time, but I rarely go back to my death wishes. In fact it's been some time since I have. When I didn't feel worth living, being alive, and to save everyone such heartache to do myself in. Yeah, it's been a little while. And the stretches are getting longer in between. I'm just sort of in a neutral zone with myself as my confidence begins building with these unfamiliar thoughts and beliefs. Feeling around, testing them out, just to see what they are made of. Exploring. Playing. Juggling all of these things as I let them filter through. This is what my recovery is becoming. And I'm kind of enjoying it. Even with the train wrecks of life flying around me. Especially with the train wrecks. Pretty amazing.

So I hope where you are today you can have some peace of mind despite being bipolar and trauma It's there, I hope you find it.

Keep reading until the end

2013-01-07T02:24:00.001-05:00

I have nothing stewing or that I need to get down on paper, I'm just going to write whatever pops out.

Christmas went good. Short of some nightmares and a little less sleep, it came and went without much fuss. I actually enjoyed the day and the time leading up to it. No tree, no decorations except for Christmas lights. (Which I love.) Pleasant and simple.

The New Year really never means very much to me, it's just another day really. I go through enough drastic changes through my days, that just because we made it around the sun one more time, I'm not going to upheaval my life over it. LOL! But I did realize this past week it was the first time I didn't fall down the mountain into the pit of depression like I usually do. It's all staying balanced and a little smoother, which I am really enjoying. So if I want to change something, like step up my exercising, I've been able to do it without trying to pull myself out of the gutter first. I'm a winter person, I like the snow and cold but it's been a few years since I really enjoyed winter. And believe me when the overcast skies linger for days and days in a bland light grey, that matches the snow it can be tough to stay giddy when the whole world around is grey. I don't know how many times I've almost slept my whole day away because that ash grey feeling. But I haven't been. And I have to kick myself in the but to go out and play with the dogs, but they also help with a lot of encouragement. :)

I've been trying cross country skiing for the first time. Never been on skis in my life and now at 40 something I'm giving it a shot. LOL! It definitely takes some getting use to, but I'm starting to get a feel for it.

I also sled a few of my dogs for fun and after last year, I was afraid I was going to have to give it up when my power horse of a dog decided he didn't want to do it anymore. I thought it was all over. Not because of him, but because I thought I had failed. AGAIN. Old tapes started playing: your stupid, your worthless, you don't know what you are doing. And after buying into it for a while I turned to my husband. And he said, they are old tapes. And I agreed. NOW there's a step!! Usually I would blow off what hubby said and keep believing. It really hit me, I had the power and choice whether I wanted to listen or not. My biggest problem has been not knowing if the tapes and the words were real or not. That's where hubby comes in. It was pretty cool because if I didn't switch off them tapes and quit believing them, I would have missed the best dog sled ride I've taken in a couple of years with two other dogs who had the time of their lives and proved my tapes completely wrong . And that was worth it. It was more than worth it. It was like the greatest reward for choosing not to believe those old tapes and make the choice to break free from them. That was pretty awesome!! Yay for me!! I don't want to play with the negative side of the universe anymore. I'm done with self destruction. And that is some true growth for me. And I'm am loving it!!

Pushing and Pulling

2012-12-17T01:54:00.001-05:00

I'm just going to see what spits out.

The last two Christmas were hell for me. Both times on the brink of suicide. I was also irate at what Christmas has turned into and was ready to lose my mind over everything. I'm OK this Christmas. It is really no big deal.

My anniversary for the first time in the hospital is this week.

I've been taking my meds twelve hours apart now for over six months. Could never do it before. I was grateful for a long time just to take them at all. I think it has help tremendously with balancing me out.

I'm stable but get so lost in my foggy head and have trouble getting out.

Still depressed most of the time, but a low, sad feeling. Though I go through periods throughout the day when the fog comes and I can't find my way out. When I keep busy before that happens, I usually do really good.

More than a high or low, everything feels like a push and pull. Stretching like a rubber band. Like I can only take so much love and then I've got to get away from it, but at least I never let go of it.

I don't know how to repeat a good day as my thoughts and mood are rapidly changing. I don't know how I did it the day before or what was different or worked. That's when the fog rolls in.

But I keep pushing and pulling a little closer each time. Someday I hope I understand better.

dueling griefs

2012-11-08T13:31:00.000-05:00

We lost one of our homed puppies from our litter and buried her with her family a month ago. A week and a half after that devastating loss we found out that another homed puppy has died as well. And without going into details was tragic and unnecessary.

I feel doubled down with grief like I'm juggling two fireballs. I can only touch so much grief at once before having to throw it up and take on the other one. I've felt quite stunned and feel like I'm still in shock, but I still OK. These dogs weren't living in my home, they had their own lives with their owners but we visited the first one (Angel) every so often and she would knock us down with remembrance kisses. The other dog we didn't see for three and half years until this past Feb. and now he is gone. There's a whole big story involved with this dog and he just didn't deserve what he got. He was a good dog with crappy people. Cruel, heartless people that only cared about themselves and the dog was put to sleep in the process. Not for his own good but for theirs.

I'm been partially immobilized as these waves of grief crash into me. Sometimes not sure if I'm coming or going. Sometimes with big successes for the day and sometimes very, very small ones. Some days it hits harder than others and I struggle to do anything. While other days I feel sound and can accomplish great feats. Only to bottom out for the next couple of days while I regain my mental and emotional strength. Sometimes their deaths feel like they don't effect me at all. Like there is peace and a oneness with the universe and other days songs reverberate through my head that slow me down to really think about what has happened and the gaping holes in my heart that make me feel so hollow and empty. Sometimes I don't know where the time goes and yet I still find myself being functional. So there is still this sense of being OK. And still living and still being present, which are huge steps for me. Not too mention not falling of the edge of the world or being sucked into the great abyss, these are huge accomplishments for me. But they don't feel that huge they feel like this is how I suppose to handle grief. And it is still hard. It will probably take some time to feel it all out, which even as I say that I think on those good days I'm all done. Yet here I am on one of those grief days and I'm not sure where I am, except here. Which I guess is a good place to be living in my shoes.

So I just cuddle with one of my dogs and took a nap and will start all over again.

My Angel

2012-10-25T13:59:00.000-04:00

A homed pup from our litter went missing and then was found hit and killed by a car. My husband and I have always had a good relationship with the Angel's owners and would visit every so often to see her. We became part of the search when she went missing and said our goodbyes and were part of Angel's burial. It has been a sad time for everyone and my first death after being out of the hospital.

For the first few days I was so relieved she's been found, not knowing where she was the hardest part. Slowly the tears have come, feeling like I'm riding a soft wave. Normally I would have ended up washed over the deep end and so close to suicide I could taste it. This time it is so different. It is smooth, it feels more natural and isn't as harsh diving down and shooting up. For once I didn't have any guilt or feel the need to blame myself for why she died. And I was able to let go and see the bigger picture of something that has bothered me for some time and made peace with it.

It is a beautiful feeling to not feel like a razor's edge and staying within myself to actually feel my feelings and release them surrounded by so much love in my home. My dogs are a beautiful gift that fill so much of my day that is even better when hubby is home to share together.

We will be mourning over Angel for a while, but her love hasn't been lost and I will treasure her spirit always.

Falling Leaves

2012-10-08T00:51:00.001-04:00

I read a story a couple of years ago called: The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia that was a very touching story of a life of maple leaf named Freddie, who hung on to the be the very last leaf to fall off the tree because he was afraid to die. Eventually winter took it's toll of Freddie and he finally let go and fell into the soft snow that covered him like a blanket. In essence it is a story of life and death and how the cycles are continual and work together.

As the leaves are turn here and start to fall, I feel like a tree trying to hang on to the Freddie's that have decided they want to let go. I feel like they are just shedding themselves while I grab on tighter. And there is a grieving of this loss. Both physical around me and inside. I'm not having the initial flashbacks and memories that once tormented me from my past, but I'm lost at not knowing who I am without them. I've had vivid dreams like watching a movie, of past abusers and having normal lives with them. This is where the screams inside of me come and I honestly don't know why. But I'm hashing out letting go in my dreams. It may not have been much, but the past was all I had for a long time to any connection to who I was. And now all of those leaves are slowly falling away from me and I will be naked and bare. Stripped. And I'm scared. And I feel alone. And I don't feel like myself. And it hurts. And there are no tears. I'm still stunned by the whole process.

When Freddie the leaf finally lets go, he does so with the knowledge that he will be part of the tree again by being food and mulch. I wish I could understand that.

THEM

2012-09-27T01:12:00.001-04:00

Here I am turning that ugly corner, the one where my life slips through my fingers and pulls me in the other direction. I'm letting them dictate how I feel, what I think, but mostly my self worth is very much affected. And I'm hurt and angry and I want to lash out. I'm just letting them drag me under and I've kind of given up fighting it or trying to turn it around. I mean I really don't care. I know I'm letting them get under my skin, for reason that seem rather personal to me but isn't to them and I still am letting them take me away. And I'm letting them win and today I really don't care. Today I let them have their table top victory dance while the rest of them beat me up with all they could muster. And I let them do that to me. Gave them what they wanted. I folded.

It would all nice and cheery to say I'll get right back up on that horse. Tomorrow I'll hold my head high and come out on top. But more than likely they will defeat me again and I will keep letting them. And I already crossed over into I don't care. So what good does that do me? Choices suck and I'm am stuck on giving up. It's like trying to wrestle with a Sumo wrestler, how long are you really going to stay on the mat??

I think I can dig this being alive thing...

2012-09-24T01:47:00.001-04:00

Not really sure what I'm doing here. Somehow I just felt the need to be here. Every time I think why do I have this blog, should I get rid of it, I find myself here.

Right now I just want to be around all the love that matters to me. I've had several first times about wanting to live, in fact I've written quite a few on this blog, but this is the first that the feeling and desire is standing up to the test of time. I just want to revel in the love that surrounds me from my family and being as much a part of that as I can. I want to be still and soak it in. I want to run free with it and I want to hold all my family until the end of time. For the last few months I can't imagine that anything could change that belief. And it's more than just running on a high or mania, it is like I'm finally catching up with everything that is good in my life and finding out more and more every day how much they matter to me. I've got to believe this is the longest I've ever gone wanting to live and doing so well handling the belief. It isn't a feeling that just comes and goes with a flip of the coin or change in the wind. It's really here.

My biggest problem is I have all of these ideas and I don't know where to start or how to begin. I made some decision in just the last week that should have sent me over the top, but I started managing my time, made some changes that fit me and who I am and I'm doing it. I'm actually doing it. Without the world ending or crashing down on me or falling into the deep pit. AND without the feeling this is all going to end. That I can handle it. Somehow, someway, with some faith and a little muscle I can do what I love and get paid for it. And it feels solid, like a rock, believing with all my heart I can do it.

All my hard work of healing from the past is paying off. All my years of playing with meds and my disorder is paying off. I feel like I'm already half way up the mountain and I haven't left the ground yet. Or have I? lol. It feels good. It's a nice feeling. Being so unattached to the past and seeing a future. It's a good place to be.

Firing neurons...

2012-08-30T13:25:00.001-04:00

I can feel my brain's engine revving up and I am getting scared. Before I would lavish in this firing up of energy and power. Maybe this is a sign of maturity? All I know is that I'm trying to harness and contain the burning passion so that I am not scorched by it. I never thought I'd see the day when I didn't love a good hypomania. And so I'm trying to relax into it while staying on red alert. Keeping away from triggers as much as I possibly can. It scares my after my last year and half long mania that took me to the breaking point and landed me in the hospital just 3 months ago. I just don't know if I'm ready for this. My anxiety is building and medicines don't do everything. God help me. I'm so afraid of going backwards. Leaving me no choice but to go forward. And so I'm trying to just take baby steps and knowing when to stop and breathe again.

They're Just Dogs

2012-08-24T14:13:00.001-04:00

I've been through many things in my life that nearly killed me in some way or another. The horrific life I've lived has left lasting emotional scars that have left their mark like a branding. The only constant through this hell has been animals, particularly dogs and the close contact I have been so blessed with through my life. Being able to look into those eyes, no matter what was happening, gave me the peace of mind and comfort to carry on another day, another hour, another minute, because all I ever saw was love. That piercing unconditional love that reached deep inside of me to let me know there was more than all of this. One dog started my journey that lead to every animal I ever encountered and those that I was so privileged to have in my life that has aided in this lifelong healing with every painful step I have taken. I can not begin to share my gratitude.

I have scraped the bottom of the barrel so many times in my life that I didn't know which way was up anymore. I have felt more worthless than one person should ever have to feel in a day, let alone a lifetime and I have never felt a reason to really be alive. This was more than being in a tough spot, it has been a way of life that I have been trapped in with no possible way out. Scary doesn't begin to describe it. So many times I didn't know if I was going to make it through, or if I even wanted to. Ideas I still struggle with on varying levels as far as my self worth and value because of my past and today was one of those days.

No matter how far I try to runaway in my mind, no matter what horrors from the past reappear to try and haunt me I have nine tangible beings that help keep me grounded and here. No matter how I feel, what I think about who I am, it is the eyes and fur of these living being in this home that never let me get that far from the truth again. They remind me every day of my value and worth to them and the many before them who shared in that same truth. The never let me forget how much I mean to them and how precious our love for each other is. They have taught me how to reach out to them all the while reaching out to me when I need it most. I can not begin to describe the countless times of this out pour of this unconditional love as they constantly rally to prove I deserve it. For if it wasn't for the many animals I met in my life, I would never know what true love was/is. Animals saved my life, over and over and over again. So many times I can't begin to count. I have never stopped depending on them and the biggest gift I got in return was learning that they depended on me as well. A concept I am still trying to understand to this day. I may never know 'why' but they have been teaching me each day to embrace it and who could ask for more than that?

Where did the last month go?

2012-08-14T15:42:00.000-04:00

Have I been gone that long? I meant to tell you how I used my Ativan (anti-anxiety meds) to help me in my recent hypo manic state. I wanted to share how I was enjoying all the energy and doing all these activities without becoming paranoid or out of control with anxiety. How I was feeling so good and sleeping great and how it felt like my life was all coming together. And now I can't tell you any of that because I'm bipolar and I'm not there anymore. And while I feel like I have totally went falling off the band wagon and tumbling down the hill, I'm still sitting here looking up and wondering again what happen. Isn't there any way to prevent this? My whole life felt it was it front of me and now I'm grabbing on to the ground so I don't fall further. And I'm no where down where I've been in my life. I just feel here. And being very, very quiet. So this is where I'll be for a while with a few minor ups to keep pushing me forward. It doesn't feel like the end, but it doesn't feel like the beginning either. Like bubbles of hope that keep popping. But it different this time because I have the can of bubbles and I feel like I'm making my own hope bubbles. Someday I'll find the secret to make that bubble last just a little bit longer each time I can.

Feeling good

2012-07-15T14:51:00.000-04:00

When I'm doing well, I don't seem to come around here much. I'd like to change that. My mood has been pretty stable this past week. No major setbacks or flashbacks, just a few minor ones that didn't even require an anti-anxiety pill. I've been pretty tired though on my meds, (the drastic heat doesn't help either), but right now it's a small price as I'm still functional and just tend to lay low during day until the cooler evenings come.

It's still all a bit strange to me, this PTSD, though I've probably been going through it for some time now. I have always for some reason been very against taking anti-anxiety pills. I think I thought there was really no reason for them and that you were a wuss for needing them and anxiety should be toughened out, but they have been a life saver. I only take them as needed and it is few and far between of really needing them, but they have made a world of difference in my recovery. Something I'd never thought I'd say. I didn't really understand the complexity of my anxiety and how it was sending me into manias and racing thought depression because so many things are a trigger from my past. And the fear was scathing to say the least. I am pretty amazed at how much that little pill helps to get me back to some form cognitive reasoning instead wanting to scalp myself. Yes, it's about that drastic.

At my request my doc up my anti-depressant. I'm still not totally sure if if was necessary or not, but I think now after a couple of weeks I'm beginning to feel the difference that I was in doubt of. Before I was having crying spells, depression and even coming back to the thoughts of not wanting to live. Oh the dreaded cycle. And it all seems to be working itself out. So I'm on the mend and it feels good. And it feels good to feel good. I could get used to this. :)

The Next Phase: PTSD

2012-06-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

Riding this wave of manias and depressions, I have always known one thing, it was all related to my past. When I would take that dive down it was to bring up another hidden truth and when I took that jump up it was another revelation of my childhood abuse that would set me free. So now I've been told that while still bipolar, I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I seem to be playing on a completely different ball field where I don't know the rules.

Before it all made sense, everything fit together like a puzzle as each piece was found and added, each piece breaking me free from that past. After I had the complete picture, everything seem to fall apart. Like staring at the aftermath of a disaster for the past year or so and I can't seem to look away. It has been a slow process as I keep unraveling at the seams over and over again. I just can not believe the amount of pain I've endured at such a young age and that still haunts me today. And my mind can't seem to move forward from it. Now all of that info I've collected to help find the truth has stunted me and I am struggling to know what to do with it and how to process it so that it doesn't continue to harm me. I'm at a loss. My highs and lows are now it seems only to relive and trap me in the past. It is difficult not to give in. As much as I dislike it, I'm doing my best to listen to my psych-doc. What she says makes sense as far as the PTSD and these little parts are clicking in my head with this new understanding, but it is taking time. Time I'm impatient with and can get lost in if I get caught off guard. It's like after all of this time of digging through the tunnel of my past and finally being able to come up for air only to realize I am no where close to being done and the horizon is much further than I could imagine. I guess for some reason I thought finding the truth would be the end and it is only another beginning. A beginning that has me way out of sorts and is all new to me. And as scary as it all is the PTSD diagnoses does give me an answer. A definition. A base to work with. Now I just need to learn how to work with it to continue the healing that I've worked so hard for.

I didn't come all this way just to turn around and give up. I do know that much. :)