My Year Without Men

Day 14 - 8.21am

2011-04-05T00:21:00.000-07:00

Time to try something new.... According to Abraham Hicks, you can parlay yourself into a better feeling place. Here goes....

I appreciate everything. The good the bad and the ugly. I love the way things always turn out for the best. I love the way life has a way of sorting stuff out. There really is no need to worry. I am in awe of this amazing relationship I am in and the way it is helping me to uncover the truth about who I really am. I am trying not to be afraid anymore. I am observing myself with a keen eye. I am fascinated by what I see and it doesn't really matter if I don't like what I see at times. Things really aren't always that bad, perhaps they are just worse in my head...if I just relax a little and take life a little easier without putting too many demands on myself to be superhuman and superwoman, then life would just flow better... this I know. There would be more hours in the day if I just took life a little slower... ahhhhh this feels good. No need to hurry, no need to stress. He always says this to me.... 'just relax! Everything is ok, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere'... that's comforting to me. I feel happy that I'm discovering my own power. Even though it's difficult for me sometimes, I am learning that speaking up and acting positivly is not a bad thing. It lets people know how I feel and where they stand. I like to know where I stand with people so why shouldn't the opposite be true. I've always pussy footed around people before, not wanting to upset the apple cart, but with recent events, I've had to stand my ground more. I've always thought this to be unspiritual, but actually it's an act of self love.

To me it feels much nicer to act from a place of compassion rather than neediness. I know that the Universe always fully supports me and all I have to do is turn my attention thoes things I want, without the feeling of the lack of them in my life and things that I want flow to me. Therefore, there is no need to be needy. Being needy means that I don't trust the Universe and I do.

The answer is always the same, distract myself, talk myself out of, just relax before I decend down the emotional scale towards anger, rage and indignation! There's always another explanation... there's always another side to the story. Even though I have really nasty thoughts sometimes, I know that they are not really me, they are a mere aspect of me which is pliable and can be easily massaged into something more positive. It's just passion at the end of day whether expressed via anger or joy.

Right now, I appreciate him so much. I admire him. He inspires me and believes in me. When he goes to his cave I may not like it but I accept it and in any case, it gives me the opportunity to either speak up and ask for a little attention (facing one of my fears....rejection...of course there is no rejection) or just do some stuff of my own. (I've taken to laying on his bed reading my bike mags or practising my Italian while he is playing World of Warcraft. That game is so complex and detailed it turns me on knowing that he's so brainy!)

Phew ok... this feels good....I'm going to try and keep on this positive path as much as possible... just because it feels good.

Day 12 / 13 8.23am

2011-04-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

Oh dear... tail beween legs. I arrived home yesterday and he was laying on his bed. I'd upset him. I'd made him unhappy with my door slamming, indrect facebook slagging off (although in my opinion I was merely expressing myself) and the fact that I left for London without saying goodbye. He also mentioned that I'd agreed to meet him down the Weatherspoons at 10.30pm on Friday night.... whoops. It's like we're living in paralell universes... We're are so different and potentially incompatibly but I am so drawn to him, like a bee to a honey pot. We lay on his bed yesterday quietly talking and discussing events. He was expressing his hurt and I was expressing mine..... Needless to say the 'make up' sex was fantastic. I've never been 'eaten out' so enthusiastically and even though it took me about 10 - 15 minutes to come, he was determined to carry on and make me come again. In that moment I felt so wanted in that he was want to spend extra time down there.

I've been thinking many things and this morning I thought maybe I should be the one to rise above all this. Now... I know about mirrors....Maybe he's aloof because I'm aloof.... maybe he's emotionally unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. This is what I shall work on. I shall not hold back anymore... I shall be myself. I shall not try and be this perfect woman around him. I will relax more. I will show him affection if I feel the urge. I will send him nice texts if I feel the urge too. Then if he does finish with me at least we can depart with dignity. Being an angry old bitch isn't exactly making me happy so this seems like a good alternative.

I rode my new XJ6 motorbike yesterday! WOW!

Day 10 / 11 - 8.27pm

2011-04-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

Huff.... puff.... I'll get there, I'll get there, (WHEN THE FUCK WILL I GET THERE!)....WHEN THE FUCK WILL I STOP LETTING MEN DICTATE MY HAPPINESS.

Yesterday (Friday) was a busy day. Italian lesson in the morning, lunch with an ex in the afternoon, tea with best friend, M&S to pick up new pyjamas, then I ran my singing workshop in the evening (which was fun fun fun). I got a text from Him at 10.10pm yesterday saying that he was popping to the Weatherspoon's pub for 'one'. Ok, I thought. Cool.... he needs to blow some steam, he's been working hard all week. We'd been getting on well all day and I thought, I might join him down the pub after my workshop... however, I was too knackered and so I went to bed (in my new sexy pyjamas).... Why does the silent night air bring up all sorts of inner most fears? When there's no distractions, up they bubble. I thought I was feeling 'sorted' but obviously not, my inner psyche was letting me know that there was still some unresolved shit to deal with. I kept looking at my phone, looking at the clock to see what time it was. I've been here before I thought. With the ex who I went to have lunch with today... in this very same house. I was horny (I always am). So I sent him a text. It said...'If you fancy some wild sex when you get in, feel free to wake me up (smiley face, no kiss)'... I left my door open... he came back.... ignored me and climbed into his own bed. I got up and slammed the door! If my dark knight of the soul wasn't dark enough, here came flooding in utter rejection, abandonment and lovelessness. Great! I would take me ages to get to sleep and I had to be up early to drive to London.

When morning came, I was glad, even though I was knackered. I got up EARLY (oh how he hates his sleep to be disturbed) and noisily started making my disgruntled presence known. Although we didn't share a room, we shared the same floorboards! I then left for London in my car, armed with Britney Spears power pop to get me through. Nothing like a bit of Britney to get the bitch back! Over and over again in my mind I just couldn't believe how he had ignored me last night. Surely any other normal man would have jumped at the chance of rattling a good woman's bones. What the hell is wrong with me? Or is it him that has the problem? Would it be better if I put a paper bag over my head!?

And then it dawned on me. He just doesn't love me at all does he, he has absolutely no feelings for me ... I'm not even sure he likes me. I've been checking my phone every fucking 15 mins today to see if he's text but no. I feel intense emotional agony..... again. But I do have a plan.... a calous, cold plan which involves being far more selfish than him (he'll be shocked when he realises he doesn't own that label). I want revenge on He Who Shall Not Show His Emotions. I want him to suffer as much as I've suffered. Surely this is not love!? Am I The Devil?

I'm looking forward to going on the back of my dad's MT01 tomorrow (google it... it's a monster of a bike!) and possibly riding my new bike for the first time tomorrow.

However much I try and take an altered (higher consciousness) perspective on this Shit, it still doesn't take the pain away. I will go to bed shortly and try to absorb it. Maybe the higher perspective will come after this Shit is over (and it will be over soon). I'm 35 years of age with over 200 relationships under my belt. I haven't been shit on in the past to learn nothing. Yes.... I actually do appreciate the contrast.... no, really I do! However, I think I might need beta blockers in the meantime.

palpitations

Day 9 - 8.23pm

2011-03-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the day from hell. Not because anything in particular happened, but because nothing in particular happened. It was a waiting day. One could say it was an opportunity to perfect or at least practice, the ‘art of allowing’. But as the day went on, my mental condition declined. It became so clear to me that my happiness was dependant on one person giving me the attention I wanted. It was beyond pathetic. Since he wasn’t in the vicinity, I was feeling empty. How could a 35 year old grown woman, with a string of relationships (and experience) under her belt, be in this position with a 28 year old software developer and gamer? I should know better! What is it about Him? It is totally ridiculous that I should be this swept up. Have I gone mad? Why have I lost myself so? I want clarity. I want to know why!!! Then it suddenly dawned on me that there may be a past life connection. I usually don’t believe that it’s important to know the details about these things, but I’m beginning to wonder if a bit of regression might break the ties or at least heal them.

When I heard his motorbike pull up two hours earlier than scheduled my brain went into meltdown… I wasn’t ready yet I soooo was! I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day and I’d gone really into myself (into a dark cave), I was about to start teaching (the first one of the day is always a bit of a challenge, until I’ve warmed up). I was observing myself having this elongated panic attack, where my arms felt heavy and my energy levels were dropping to below zero. I managed the teaching and thankfully He wasn’t grumpy. He could see I was in a strange place and asked me if I wanted to crawl into his bed to rest. I didn’t need a second invitation. I slept from 10pm until midnight while he played his computer game at his desk. I must admin he was being very sweet…. Then he crawled into bed. I wasn’t expecting sex, but I got it! Bonus! This time it wasn’t just sex, but intimate, intense, almost loving (by my standards anyway).

By my mental health standards, today was a good day. He was working from home and I was a lot happier after simply surrendering to the hell spin yesterday, with the understanding that it would get better. When I was in my twenties, I didn’t believe these episodes would ever go away and so they seemed even more unbearable and of course, didn’t go away until something good happened. The gift of wisdom softens the experience somewhat as you know they will pass if you just sink into them. That….. I have learnt. Even though my knickers were in a twist, I tried not to get my knickers in even more of a twist because of it.

I made Marques Guiness Beef Stew today to commemorate our trip to Dublin. It took half an hour of loving preparation and 3 hours of slow simmering to turn into the luxurious thing that it was. He ate too much pasta and filled himself up just before it was due to be served. Yesterday that would have bothered me. Today, I grumbled for about 5 minutes, but then it was like water off a ducks back. I ate mine and his is still in the pot. Maybe I’m getting stronger?

Day 8 - 2.35pm

2011-03-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

No juice to squeeze yet. Early night was had last night on account of bones being rattled the night before. Zero to 5% energy today (mental and physical). We slept separately last night due to the fact that he didn't finish work until 2.30am and both of us needed to not be disturbed. Although I am not in agony like I have been, I need cuddles, intimacy and affection like nobody's business! He doesn't and makes a point of it.

I am trying to win him over with seductive and fabulous home cooking and showers with the door open. I'm not sure if it will work or just make me feel even more used if/when our relationship does finally end. I want romance, I want gazing, I want passionate conversations, I was sexy texts messages, I want to walk down the aisle, I want this to be easy!

I'm learning about the law of attraction. My friend said to me, there is no right or wrong. YOU decide what you want and the Universe will deliver it! My problem is, I'm indecisive. The Universe must be getting as confused as I am. I know I want him but I want him to be more loving and I doubt he'll ever be. My friend (psychically) picked up on the fact that there wasn't much affection growing up... she wondered whether it bordered emotional abuse. That wouldn't suprise me. However, I have to remember that when YOU change your point of attraction, they'll change. 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'... Wayne Dyer. I've experienced this and it works. Right now I feel depressed and in pain... I need to get to hopeful, optimistic, then I can get to joy.

Shower and more Wayne Dyer might help.

Conclusion - My Year Without Men isn't exactly my year without men! Fuck!

Day 7 - 11.57

2011-03-29T03:57:00.001-07:00

20 mins meditation... first 10 mins nice, 2nd 10 mins... eeek!

Day 7 - 9.54 am

2011-03-29T01:54:00.000-07:00

I should be working, but doing this is much more fun! Last night He (who shall be adored) seemed different... very supportive, slightly appologetic, proud of me and almost complementary. I made us a nice meal and we sat in the living room eating it and watching TV. He sat next to me. To cut lashings of mental and emotional foreplay short, we slept together. Still no kissing, but probably the best sex we've ever had. He spent the night in my bed but no cuddles. Why is it that when we first got together we could cuddle all night? Now I just seem like an annoyance to him. He complains that I breath too heavily. I think that's because I've got a heavy heart.

I'm going to work on my heavy heart. That the wonderful workshop leader on Sunday talked about acceptance. Absolute one hundred percent acceptance of another is true Love. You don't have to like something with your personality but you have to accept it in order to be truely free. He was saying that a natural human reaction to an unwanted situation is either to be outwardly aggressive and defensive or inwardly aggressive and defensive. Either reaction produces a tightening of the body which isn't condusive to good health (mental, physical or emotional)... so what's the other way? Sitting and staying! (I wrote a song about this, called Sit and Stay, funnily enough). Neither express nor repress the anger/rage/depression/pain. Breath into the feeling. Feel it fully, accept it fully, don't try and change it or label it as 'good' or 'bad', just feel it as a sensation, leave blame aside, don't run away from it, absorb it into your being however painful or uncomfortable and then it will burn up, burn through, vanish.... gone.

I am going to try this now... I am going to promise myself 20 minutes of sitting and I'm not going to get up no matter what. I can't see another way out of this situation. I know that Source/The Universe/God heals and I need to connect with that part of me, much more regularly than I have been doing.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Day 6 - 11.02pm

2011-03-28T15:02:00.001-07:00

Not much to report today apart from the fact that I’m now the proud owner of a full motorcycle licence!!!!! According to my friend Jon that makes me 88.76% sexier….. Awesome! (says with a half smile) I’m doing a year without men! (well…. Supposed to be anyway! Is it ok to break your own rules?)

He’s been very sweet today… but apparently is going to look at the flat on Wednesday…. Bugger.

Day 5 - 7.32pm

2011-03-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

Obviously I didn’t ask him to get his coat! Instead, when I awoke I responded to a noise from his room saying, ‘Sally? Come in a sec’…. the beginning of what seemed to be a rekindling kind of day. A long conversation in bed about our noisy tenant, followed by a bit of boob spilling, a shower, a mutal oil and sea salt scrub, and an attempt at sex only for it to be interrupted by an unfortunately placed grain of sand and the commencement of my ill timed monthly cycle. Whoops…. My year without men?… what a disaster…. What kind of weak willed temptress am I?

A day on the back on his bike, a meal by the river Dee, a few glasses of wine, some comedy on my sofa and the inevitable question, ‘are you sleeping in my bed tonight’? only increased my hope of us getting back together. He did sleep in my bed, only if I promised not to wake him up with my shuffling and snoring.

I was up at 10am for an afternoon of holistic social networking. I left him in bed. One of the talks I went to was about presence. Oh how I need to be more present! Not running from, my emotions but allowing and accepting them without judgement. I admire Him for being so self satisfied. For having an on-off switch. For being so seemingly self contained and not needing anyone to like him for him to feel ok. For not relying on anyone to make him happy. I, on the other hand, have hardly ever felt like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to not have or want to have a significant other in my life. I’ve had momentary glimpses but never consistent long stretches of time where I’ve been happy on my own for no reason at all. He has and does. Now I’m beginning to understand why this relationship is going to be so pivotal. He is everything I want to be and believe I am not. He’s offered to teach me how to be self reliant but I’m sure this is just because it massages his self righteous ego.

I so wish things could be different right now, but they can’t. This has got to be good enough for now. I cannot focus on anything else apart from how shitty I feel. Yesterday was good, today was good, the few hours have not been so good as I’ve been told he’s looking at a place on Wednesday. I either want him in my life or out of my life, this ‘in between’ shit hurts like hell. Stay with it Sal, this is the road less traveled and it will be alright in the end.

I have my motorbike test tomorrow.

Day 4 - 4.20am

2011-03-25T11:22:00.001-07:00

Writing this blog seems to give me some comfort. It’s like a friend to me. I wouldn’t give my attention to anything else at 4.20am in the morning put it that way! However with the events of last night, the pure night air and the song of the blackbird seem like a refreshing relief.

It turns out that He did get the text message! He was angry….Very angry! Angry at the fact that I’d put him through all that and now angry at the fact I wanted to try and make it all better. On the day that I ended things, the fact that he had broken down in tears surprised me as I didn’t think there was any water in that barren land! I certainly didn’t realize I meant anything to him. I thought he was just living with me for convenience and that all he had to do was bonk me every nownagain to keep me happy! (Although of course I was hoping that he might fall madly in love with me in the process). So you could say I was a little shocked at this sudden burst of emtion given the fact, His lack of it was the reason I wanted to split up.

Today He said, ‘what’s changed?’, ‘I’m still the same person who can’t love you in the way you want to be loved’. He was right of course. I was suffering from Post Traumatic Dumper Syndrome. That feeling of emptiness you get when it suddenly hits you they won’t be in your life the same way anymore. He saw right through me. I didn’t want to take the chance, so I got there first. I always thought that I might be at risk of being discharged as the GF given the fact that he was so adamant the family life wasn’t for him (as he admitted to me over posh eggs benedict in Dublin, winding me severely in the process). Now I’m coming to realize that there’s a big denial element in thoes who protest too much (speaking from experience of course). But anyway, the facts remains. Any amount of trust and respect he did have for me have vanished and so it looks like I’d have more success shaving a hedgehog than I would getting back with him.

So now here I am with an ex boyfriend who hates the sight of me and who is still living in the room next door. Coupled with an alcoholic 21 year old flat mate who can be unaware of her personal noise levels at 3am in the morning (hence the reason why I’m up!)…. So tomorrow…. In the nicest possible way and with respect, I shall ask him to ‘get his coat and fuck off’.

Day 3 - 6.23pm

2011-03-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

I love motorbikes!!! Just come back from a bike lesson totally exhillerated... I wonder how long it will be before the adrenalin wears off? The good thing about today is that I've been occupied for most of it. Italian lesson in the morning, Intense Pulsed Light treatment in the finest Cheshire 'old hag' clinic, brief stop at home for a bite and then the bike lesson...

Today I am like a different person...

Last night I attempted to go see a friend but had to turn back on account of a mild panic attack at the thought of meeting her new fabulous boyfriend all the way from New York! I couldn't handle the idea of watching them swoon together while being reminded of my own dire situation at home. 'Salt in the wound' springs to mind. I just wanted to be with Him... He could take all this pain away...NOW! I was beginning to think I'd been too rash in asking him to move out. I got home after the failed social interaction attempt and fell into bed 'poor sick me' hoping to generate a little sympathy from the Boy In The Room Next Door. It worked for a bit (and my sickness was genuine). On account of the fact I was laying in the foetal position, I was able to meagerly announce my regret and remorse at ending things, almost asking for a reconcilliation but not quite. He kinda shurgged things off in his usual aloof, 'I don't go back on things' way but didn't actually say 'no way, bitch... YOU ended it, now YOU suffer the consequences!' So I thought I might be in for chance. I slept with my door open hoping he would do the same.

Whilst waiting for 9.10am to strike today (my Italian teacher is very specific about our lesson times), I sent Him a text saying, 'would you consider having me back? Think about it, I'll be back at noon (smiley face no kiss).' I popped back at noon.... nothing.... I've been home now for 30 mins.... nothing....no comment....not even a smile! Miseryguts! Is he being a complete arse or did the angels intercept that text message and send it to Mars?

The fact is right now I feel happy and to be honest, the more fucking mizzey he remains, the more I hope to God the angel's DID intercept that message!

Dr Wayne Dyer is now going to teach me how to implant positive meme's into my brain.... nice!

Day 2 - 4.46pm

2011-03-24T09:46:00.001-07:00

Fuck the gym.... bought fags instead! I can see a Bridget Jones theme running here.

Day 2 - 1.33pm

2011-03-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

Big Bad Bollocks! I know what's done it. My desire for forward planning has been misconstrued as needyness. My desire to know how he feels has been misconstrued as needyness. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I have no idea what to do with it. I'm a mess.... only one thing to do .... meditate.... gather myself up then go for a severe workout!

Day 2 - 8.30am

2011-03-24T01:30:00.000-07:00

This morning I broke down in my freshly made fruit smoothie (not Innocent I might add). I've been here before... this place, this agony, the arrows through my heart. The seemingly endless circuit of euphoria and despair. The sight of him, the sound of his voice drives knives into my solar plexus.... How does he feel? I wish I knew, yet, I know that somehow I have to take my attention away from him. Even though there's a background of pain, when I do, I feel a little better. I've already plotted my vision for this year but right now the thought of it doesn't fill me with delight... 'Pass motorbike test', 'learn Italian', 'social networking', 'nice holidays', 'build business/client base', 'cooking', 'dancing' etc etc. What's the point, without a man to share it with? Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever been happy for no reason. There's always been a pending visit from a shag buddie or boyfriend to pep me up. How will I get through this without falling for another man and will I come out the other side? Blind faith is called for. This feels like the spin into hell.

Day 1 - 10.45pm

2011-03-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

Note to self. Must remember that this blog is about me. It's so easy to go off on a rant about 'them'... must refrain.

Oh fuck it..... just this once.

I type in bed listening to his movements through the very thin walls that join the room next door...'what's he doing?' I daren't think! I don't want to think about the very thing he might be doing that would send me into a mouth watering frenzy. Hazy thoughts of the possibility of getting back together keep wafting through me followed by sex crazed text messages I'd like to send him, and then I remember that text he sent me (that prompted me to 'divorce' him) about me being too needy and that I promised I wouldn't but did.

This is the reason I'm doing this dear reader. I flit from being 'needy woosy female' to strong independant 'don't suffer fools' bitch from hell... perhaps my year without men will help to bring some balance back into my life in the form of inner courage, strength and resolve... all thoes wonderful words I can only apply to myself about a quarter of the time.

Day 1 - 2.31pm

2011-03-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

While he was at work, I took a shower and climbed into his bed (he just moved into the spare room the night before). I knew I shouldn't be there but I was born in the year of the cat (aka Rabbit) and you know how curious we are! I wanted to see what he saw when his head touched the pillow at night. I wanted to feel the pressure of the bed. This man, whom I had decided to split up with (not because I didn't love him but because he didn't love me back) had now become something of a mystery to me that had to be solved (or so it seemed). As I went into a post noon slumber, I felt the urge to masturbate. I resisted. The thought of firing up thoes neural receptors didn't fill me with delight as I knew they would trigger feelings of nostalgia, loss, abandonment and rejection. I didn't want to feel myself as that pathetic woman. So I laid there and felt the burn, until it thankfully subsided.

Day 1

2011-03-23T01:49:00.000-07:00

Everything reminds me of sex (and him)... even the arrows on this blog look like giant circumsized penis's. My brain is amush with smut and I am concerned that I have set myself too virtous an undertaking. It is an unrealistic expectation for a woman in her prime? After all, I am a 35 year old childless, husbandless, hormone riddled sex/relationship addict!

I am a serial monogamist (well almost), bouncing from one partner to another, and in the gaps, enjoying the anticipation of being single only to fall into the lure of another 'unsuitable'. Why can't I say no? I have been told that it is all my doing. Something to do with my 'vibration' and the law of attraction. Ok... I get that. So that's why I've decided to 'take a year off' so to speak and clean up my vibration (eeewwww). The batteries have been removed from my vibrator and inserted into my other vibration raising device (something to do with magnets). Hopefully by then I'll be fixed and something of a 'suitable' will manifest. Karma and past life regurgitation can then fuck it's little arse off.

With temptation still residing in the room next door this is going to require more strength and mental focus than I thought I had.... Madonna had it when she said, 'rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac' (and I thought it was oysters... bugger!)

Great my neighbours are having sex again!