Romance Meets Life

Will You Choose Your Pets Over Your Spouse?

2012-05-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

I know the issue of pets is a very delicate one. A lot of people consider their pets as their babies and we know a lot of women, if not all, will definitely choose their children over their husbands. I personally do not own any pets but neither do I see myself getting so worked up if Atala decides we should get some. Having said that, I'm assuming he would consult me before bringing the pets into the house, and only want one or two dogs or cats or some of the more common pets, like fish, birds, or mice.

Not all spouses may be so agreeable or reasonable. About a couple of weeks ago, I read about a girl who loved snakes and the blogger wanted to know if anyone would marry her and sleep in the same bed with her snakes. Of course most comments were negative. But that is before the fact, I mean, before you invest your emotions in a long term relationship. What if you're already married, and then your spouse develops a very strong love for animals to the extent of bringing hundred of them into your house?

"A man from southern Israel divorced his wife this week because she had brought 550 cats into their home. The husband, apparently not a cat lover, told the Rabbinical Court in Beersheba that he was unable to sleep in his bedroom because the surface of the marital bed was constantly covered with cats who refused to lie on the floor.

The man, in his divorce request, complained that the cats also blocked his access to the bathroom and did not allow him to prepare meals in the kitchen, the Hebrew daily Maariv reported Wednesday. When he sat to eat, cats jumped onto the table and stole his food.

The couple attempted reconciliation at the behest of the rabbinical court. The wife, however, was unable to part from her cats… and preferred to part from her husband." [Source]

Do you think the man shouldn't have sued for divorce? What about the woman that chose her pets over her husband? Maybe she just prefers her cats? Or she doesn't care for the husband anymore? What would you do?

_________________

Myne Whitman - award-winning blogger, bestselling author, columnist, and founder of Naijastories.com.

For Duets, John Legend and Robin Thicke Bring it!

2012-05-25T01:30:00.000-07:00

John Legend is one of my favorite musicians, most his songs are just fabulous. For instance, We're Ordinary People, is just so full of Melody. I also love guys who play an instrument and the guy is not bad to look at either. He amazed me at the Sade Concert last year where he was the opening act, and when I heard he was on the new ABC show, Duets, I just had to tune in.

It was a good call, and by the end of the show, I was glad I did and know I'll be watching more episodes. While I wanted to root for John Legend's first partner, Johnny, who happens to be from Seattle, it was his second duet with Bridget Carrington, that blew me away. They sang "Tonight (Best You Ever Had)" and you could almost touch their chemistry.

That is indeed what Duets are all about. There was the call and response, their voices matched each other note and pitch and they worked that stage! The difference was definitely clear between the first and second performance, and I'm hoping Bridget stays for a while.

Another stand out performance for me was Robin Thicke and his first partner, Olivia Chisholm. They dueted on his sexy song, ‘Lost Without You,’ looking into each other's eyes, and scooting up close and personal. Wow, it was getting hot even in my living room, and I was like, "get a room already", and then I wondered, maybe I should drag someone into mine. Believe me, it was that hot, LOL...

Seriously though, I wonder how the partners of these musicians must feel. And I don't even mean about watching the show. But knowing their spouses are meeting up with these beautiful people, and singing love songs and generating biology, physics and chemistry. At least they're doing all this in public and even on TV. Not like much can happen on the Duets stage, right? Like one old man said somewhere, nothing wrong with taking that heat back home at the end of the night!

_________________

Myne Whitman - award-winning blogger, bestselling author, columnist, and founder of Naijastories.com.

Splash into Summer Giveaway - International

2012-05-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

The Splash Into Summer Giveaway Hop is from May 25th to 31st and whoever thought of, and timed this giveaway either knows the weather very well or has some control over it. Can you believe it's been raining almost non-stop for the past five days? Oh well, on this blog, the way I want to splash into summer is to pass that 1300 followers mark. I am also celebrating my books A Heart to Mend and A Love Rekindled, both sitting pretty at the top-ten books on the Worldreader book app. Thanks for all the support.

The winner will receive a $10 cash prize! The lucky follower should be able to collect their cash prize via Amazon Gift Card or Paypal funds transfer. Books (including shipping) of same value can also be shipped via Amazon or Book Depository. There are 4 entries in all, and it is mandatory you leave a comment on this post in answer to the question, What's your favorite summer activity. Entries close May 31, and I'll announce the winner within 48hrs and also send them an email.

To enter, fill out the Rafflecopter Form below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

This giveaway hop is hosted by I Am a Reader Not a Writer and Page Turners Blog. Check the full list of participants below.

Who is Looking After Your Children?

2012-05-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

"Statistics show that the effects of sexual abuse can prove to be traumatic to a child and lead to serious mental problems during adolescence and adulthood. It’s important to mention that most kids who were abused grow up to become abusers and dysfunctional themselves in some way, shape, or form. Please protect our children. They are our future."

Above quote is the second blogger I subscribe to who has mentioned a child abuse video circulating, (who even made that video?) and while I do not want to think about it, I know child sexual abuse by minders of whatever age is real. Blogger Neetah is a doctor, and has worked with dysfunctional families who have experienced child abuse, sexual or emotional, and has the following pointers to help adults to be more vigilant and supportive of the children in their care. You can read the full post on her blog;

1) Handsome, rich men molest children. Beautiful, talented women molest children. Ordinary people you laugh with every day molest children. Family members molest children. Church members molest children. Parents or siblings molest children. Hired helps and neighbors molest children. Married people molest children. You simply cannot tell a child sexual predator by looking. (But do pay attention to your instincts, which see deeper than a person’s surface appearance). Most child molesters are known and liked by others and they cultivate certain relationships in order to gain access to children. Whether or not a person twangs your intuition, observe the person closely and don’t let him/her have your child alone until you’re satisfied they are completely safe. Talk to others about them. Find out all you can.

2) A child molester may hug and cuddle your child in healthy ways right in front of you and your child doesn’t resist or fuss. This doesn’t mean nothing’s happening. Molesters themselves say that they deliberately do this so that your child, the victim, thinks you approve of the way the molester touches them. A child assumes his parents know what’s going on, so when the molester hugs him in front of you and you’re fine with that, the child thinks you’re OK with what happens in private too.

3) If your child develops changes in behavior such as having big-time mood swings, withdrawal from everything and everyone, fearfulness and crying on a regular basis or starts bed-wetting or changes toilet-training habits or starts having nightmares or if he or she is scared to go to bed or develops fears of certain places, people or activities then know it is time to do some investigating. Consult your child’s school and find out if your child has problems in school or with his or her behavior such as acting out sexual activity or being curious about certain sexual matters. Inspect your child’s body and look for unexplained marks such as bruises, rashes, cuts, limping, multiple and poorly explained injuries and observe your child’s private areas and look for certain things such as pain, itching, bleeding, fluid or rawness.

4) Observe the child’s behavior how he/she is with the other parent. Fathers have been known to molest their children and this usually happens whilst the mum is asleep or out. If your child never likes staying at home alone with the other parent or insists on following you every time you step out, it’s an inclination that this child feels safer with you. Find out why.

5) Teach your child that NO ONE should be touching their private areas. That it is not ok for anyone. That if someone does, your child should tell you and NOT be afraid. Make yourself a safe person for your child to talk to. If you get angry whenever your child fails or misbehaves, or you get upset a lot in general, be certain he/she will learn never to tell you anything. Molesters know this. They watch for this type of relationship between a parent and a child so they can exploit it and gain the victim’s trust with patience and kindness.

6) Listen to your instincts. If you feel a deep disquiet or unease around someone, simply don’t let that person have access to your child–especially not alone time.

7) Don’t put your faith in the presence of a group. A child molester can and will single out a child while on group trips or during group play. Child sexual predators like this because they know they can get alone time with their victims.

8) Make sure your child gets plenty of healthy attention, love, and physical affection at home. This prevents your child from having the vulnerability that predators look for in potential victims. A healthy, well-loved child with good self-esteem is less likely to be targeted. In a sense, molesters are looking for victims who are already victims.

9) Let your child know that he/she can say a strong “NO” to a molester and you will back him/her up completely. Let them know that they can fight or run away or tattle and you will stand by them 100 percent. Molesters make threats about what parents will or won’t do to a child if he tells, so you have to have that trust with your child.

10) If your child spends a lot of individual time with someone, ask your child carefully phrased questions about whether the child has been exposed to any sexual material of any kind. Kids are curious. If it’s presented to them, they’ll probably watch and listen.

11) If you suspect your spouse may be molesting your child, watch closely. Do you feel like somehow, subtly, you’re being cast as the bad guy to your child, while your spouse is the good guy? Abusers gradually block communication between their child and the other parent, and damage the trust in that relationship.

12) If you’re a parent married to a step-parent, be aware that all the statistics show a significantly higher incidence of child sexual abuse among step-parents than among birth parents. You may be thrilled with your new spouse’s interest in your children but ask yourself; is he gaining their trust while undercutting you or your relationship with your children? While you want to back up your new spouse, you also want your children to know they haven’t lost you to your new spouse and that you trust them and support them.

13) Children often keep molestation a secret because the molester has threatened that they will be taken from their family if they tell or that he will be violent to them or to their family or he has manipulated the child into thinking it’s his/her fault and that if anybody gets punished, it will be him/her or he has won your child’s love and trust with treats, attention, and “love”.

14) If you suspect that your child has been molested sit your child down and ask these questions GENTLY and without any show of emotion that may distress the child. We recommend the mother does this alone as sometimes fathers may be the culprits and that this is done in complete privacy so that your child feels secure. Also make sure they understand that while you’re asking them questions, they are not in trouble in any way whatsoever. You may need to continually reinforce this, as children have a tendency to take any serious comments from an adult as meaning that they have done something wrong. Here are some questions to ask:

“You do know that between your legs is a private area, don’t you?”

“Has anyone touched you in your private area besides yourself or stroked your chest or bottom?”

“Has anyone asked you to show them your private parts?”

“Has anyone asked you to look at their private parts?”

If these questions are not asked in a proper manner, they may lead to an innocent victim being accused falsely of child molestation, a crime punishable by prison. If it turns out that no one has touched them, or asked to be touched, be happy and show them that you love them. Do not be over enthusiastically relieved, because if you do and you have cause to ask them again at some time they will simply answer in the negative to please you.

15) If your child has been molested, do not confront the person who has done anything to them. Immediately contact the police and do not speak to anyone else about it whatsoever. This is very important. The police will pick up the suspect and get a child psychologist to question the child again. If you are a health personnel dealing with a case involving molestation, immediately admit the child and report to the necessary department, do not release the child to the parents. This is essential in Nigeria because many parents due to the shame take their children home and simply do nothing about it, eager to forget it happened. Some beat the children and blame them for the molestation and the child predator continues this act on the child or another child. Other times, a member of the family may be responsible for the abuse and the family may seek to protect the person. As a parent try to remain calm and make sure your child understands they have done nothing wrong and they are not in trouble in any way. Make sure to smile a lot at them, they need you to be strong and comforting. Even if your child has answered in the positive, it is still possible that nothing untoward has happened. This is why it is very important to get a skilled child interrogator to find out the truth.

Touch of Spice by Nicole Bassey

2012-05-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Who says Nigerians don't read or cannot write about sex? With my two romance novels dominating the most-read books chart on the Worldreader Book App, they wanted more. Therefore, Naijastories.com is co-ordinating a writing contest for Worldreader to acquire steamy love stories written for an African audience. The story below is one of the 35 submissions received and you can enjoy more of the Touch of Spice series and Vote your favorite on the NS Polls Page.

Touch of Spice by Nicole Bassey - Rating - 18+

Keseima added a touch of spice to the pot of goat meat pepper-soup. She tasted it and smiled to herself, her mother-in-law would love it. She brought it off the fire and put a small pot of rice on, the smoke brought tears to her eyes but she bore it bravely. It could have been worse as her late husband Udeme used to say…. Udeme, the name brought bittersweet memories to mind. She remembered their first kiss, their coded jokes and their second honeymoon. He was so strong, so kind, and so thoughtful. She had thought it would last forever until that fateful Saturday three years ago. He was driving down from Port-Harcourt to see her at Uyo where she was doing a post graduate program in nursing. A group of nomadic cattlemen lost control of their herd, they ran across the road and a petrol tanker rammed into them. Udeme was two cars behind but all that remained of him was charred broken bones.

They tried to hide the news from her but it was only a matter of time. She wept uncontrollably for months and sometimes felt she was losing her mind. Three years later she still missed him but she knew he was gone for good. Her mother-in-law said it was time she considered settling down again as she was not getting younger. She knew that but it was not that easy.

At thirty-two she looked several years younger. She was 5foot 8inches tall with a full 40D sized bust, a narrow 26 inch waist and a generous backside. Her beniseed brown skin was smooth and shiny. Her face was oval shaped framing large luminous eyes that made grown men turn babies. She was a beautiful woman. Her friends made jokes about her being made on a Friday night; hence the extra care and exceptional good looks.

All through her teens she was always fending off male advances. Marrying had helped; in Africa touching another man’s wife was taboo. But young widows were fair even desirable game. Many loose men sought out widows because they were thought to be mature caring and sex-starved. One man had told her “You had better let me touch you now before you run mad from desire”. Recently her desires had begun to worry her, she found herself craving a man and nothing she did seemed to quell it. Usually she would drown herself in work and only come home to sleep, but now she was on vacation.

She had been thinking of visiting a cousin in Abuja when Mama called to say she was ill. Instantly she knew she couldn’t be anywhere else. She had picked up some foodstuff and drove fifty kilometres to AdiahaObong Commercial Secondary School Omum Uyam where her mother-in-law was the principal. She met Mama huddled up under a stash of blankets. The doctor had diagnosed malaria and given her some medication. She was a little better but the chills and rigors persisted. While Itoro, Mama’s maid helped with the tepid sponging, Keseima got busy in the kitchen. An hour later she was done, the savoury dish of rice and goat meat pepper -soup revived Mama instantly.

“Thank you my daughter” Mama said as she pushed away the empty plates.

“My pleasure Mama” Keseima replied

Itoro carted away the dishes and Mama retired to her room.

It felt incredibly hot and humid in the little bungalow. She had to cool off somehow….Yes! She would go swimming in the stream!

There was a little stream inside the school premises, mostly it was just a part on the landscape but it also served as an alternate source of water during power cuts and as a quasi swimming pool as well. It was off limits to students and most teachers were too busy or too boring to bother. She hadn’t brought swim suit but she an old spaghetti top and a pair of bum shorts that would have to do. She wore an ankle length loose gown over her makeshift swimming garb and started off to the stream with a faint smile on her lips.

Thankfully the stream was deserted. She found a dry rock by its banks and removed her gown. Seconds later she was doing backstrokes in the balmy blue waters totally content.

####

Ubong noted the blue car parked outside the principal’s house with interest. It meant Keseima was around. Keseima, the girl he had to meet when she was married and had to want in vain. That had changed with the death of her husband. He had been about to tell her how he felt when he was selected to do to Dubai for twenty-six month advanced computer course. It was perfect for his career but a bad blow to his love life. He thought of walking up to the house for some sort of surprise visit but rejected the thought. He would find a way to see her without raising Mama’s eyebrows. Now all he wanted was a swim so he rode his mountain bike towards the stream.

He padlocked the front tires and rested the bike on one of the numerous palm trees . the last twenty or so meters were a steep slope best negotiated on foot. As he approached he could see a lone figure doing near perfect backstrokes. Something about the swimmer seemed vaguely familiar then he realised why, it was the woman he had dreamt of for the past two years. Suddenly his heart was racing and he felt his lips get dry. He dug his arms into his pocket and muttered under his breath” This is your chance brother, use it!”. He removed his T-Shirt and jeans and took a plunge. This was make or break.

Keseima suddenly noticed she had company. She paused mid-stroke and wiped the water off her face. Whoever it was must have dived underwater, she could see ripples coming closer…. Vwoooshhh!!! She felt her feet leave the floor and suddenly she was being cradled in a man’s arms. She panicked and began to thrash violently until she heard him say her name.

“Keseima! EASsssssy” Ubong said chuckling “You would make a great cat you know, excellent scratching and screaming skills”

PUT ME DOWN! Keseima Screamed.

“I will in a bit” Ubong replied “but first you have to kiss me”

“What???” Keseima shouted” are you out of your mind?”

“Yes my dear I am totally helplessly thoroughly foolishly crazy over you” Ubong said “but that, my dear is another matter, first my kiss.”

With that he released her gently and encircled her waist with his left arm and grabbed the back of her head with his right. She froze. He nibbled along her jaw line, light feathery kisses that felt like flower petals, his arm were stroking the small of her back and lightly massaging her neck, her shoulders, and her arms. She felt herself relax and her body respond to his touch. He drew her closer still and then planted his lips on hers. She stiffened but he persisted till she had no more fight in her. She kissed him hesitantly at first but when he probed a little further she surrendered and matched his rhythm with hers. She felt something in her melting but suddenly it was over.

“That is better.” He said smiling “I missed you girl”

Her eyes fluttered open and a wave of guilt hit her. She had enjoyed that. She had actually enjoyed being kissed by someone she hadn’t seen in ages and even then on a purely platonic level. She must be more starved than she thought.

“Great,” She replied “it’s nice having you back in the country. I am sure you made us proud overseas. Now if you’ll excuse me I just must get home.”

“Hmm, the lady is in a hurry. Perhaps she ll take me home with her i know how to cook a few things and cleaning is my middle name” Ubong said.

“No, I am fine” Keseima mumbled as she stormed out of the stream. Ubong followed her

“Baby, relax Okay? I am sorry; I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that okay? I don’t know what got into me please.”

With trembling fingers she slipped on her gown and her slippers.

“I am fine, Ub, seriously”

“No you are not” Ubong replied “I have upset you and i must make amends, please Kesi, let me make this up to you. I swear, this wasn’t meant to be this way, please. I just wanted to wade up to you and say hi. Then I was going to ask about your job and your love life. Then if you were still listening i wanted to ask you out to watch the Ten Villages football finals tomorrow.” He shook his head ruefully, “I guess I just told myself that if i didn’t kiss you now i might never have this chance again, i am sorry Keseima. Please give me another chance.”

And she had. They exchanged numbers and he called her every day. He took her to all the nice places there were to see, the museum, the beach, the monkey reserve. After about a month they were at his place watching a movie when he started to touch her arms. She didn’t object so he scooped her closer and peeled off her mini-dress. She pressed herself towards him and unbuttoned his shirt. He undid her bra with his right hand and caressed her with his left. She nibbled his neck and his shoulders. He slid off her panties in one fluid movement.

“You are amazing baby, so, so amazing” he said

He turned her over and showered kisses all over her neck, her shoulders, her back, her thighs, her legs, her feet. Soon her entire body was awash with desire.

She reached for him, “Ub, Please, come in!”

“Of course my dear” He chuckled “Let me get dressed first.”

He pulled open a condom, pinched the tip and rolled it on in seconds.

He straddled her and gently plunged in to her dripping wet depths. He rocked her gently at first but gradually increased the tempo till they were both dizzy with pleasure and he heard her scream his name as she climaxed. He came seconds after. And his first thought was – Yes, this is definitely bliss.

Debate Tuesday - Are Women Really Woe To Men?

2012-05-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know that the Debate Tuedsay will become regular again but it's been a while we had one of them, so this is a throwback. Ladies, now don't be distracted by Will Smith as you read the text beside him. Yes, I saw I am Legend, and yes, it is true what the synopsis on the poster below says, but come on!

Some men will blame women for all and everything, including the fact that they cannot spell their names. It must be a woman's fault somehow. What say ye? Male perspectives will be much appreciated.

Seattle Rain Spoils My View of a Solar Eclipse

2012-05-21T23:26:00.003-07:00

Last weekend was another reason to rail against the poor weather in this side of the country. While most of the other places on the West Coast were enjoying views of the solar eclipse that happened on Sunday, the rain and clouds over Seattle ruled that out for us. I've been looking forward to the eclipse for a while now, and was very hopeful since we had excellent weather most of last week.

AP Photo/Houston Chronicle, Johnny Hanson

That bright run ended on Saturday and the whole of Sunday was all bleh. And to think we actually drove several miles to see if we could catch it in another part of the county. It got dark for a while but the clouds were just too thick. Well, thank God for pictures and video. Did anyone else manage to catch this?

REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br /&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;A href="http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/annular-solar-eclipse-may-20-2012/20gies43?videoId=6a84983f-46d8-a1b0-e086-49bfb3dfe88b&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;from=shareembed-syndication&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;src=v5:embed:syndication:" target="_new" title="Annular Solar Eclipse May 20, 2012"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Video: Annular Solar Eclipse May 20, 2012&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/A&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br /&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

_________________

Myne Whitman - award-winning blogger, bestselling author, columnist, and founder of Naijastories.com.

So, When Are You Two Going To Get Married?

2012-05-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

No, no, I'm not asking you that. I was only imagining that's the question Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, then girlfriend, had to answer a lot of the time. They dated for over nine years, and for a lot of people in America, that is a loongg time, longer than some marriages. In Nigeria, where overly long dating/courtship/engagements are not really encouraged, I can imagine the question would be even more common to long term but unmarried couples.

When two people are exclusive with each other for a long time, and are open to others about their relationship, those around them begin to mark time for them. People assume the lady is wasting her time and chances with other men, plus her biological clock is ticking. Others think the man is using her, and will dump her when he finds who/what he really wants.

Many believe they are sleeping together, and for those who think that way, this devalues the worth of the woman in the man's eyes, after all, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I certainly do not subscribe to this way of seeing things. Then again, is there some sense behind societies' disapproval of long dating/courtship/engagement periods?

According to those who have studied these things, two years is the optimal time to date and get to know each other. These researchers say this gives enough time for those in a relationship to really get a fix on each other's personalities and stuff like how people react under stress. However, I don't think time is the only factor, and may not even be a determinant, at all. A couple can date for 3 months and within that period, one loses his job, or develops a health problem, something traumatic that they're able to overcome together. This will certainly bond them closer.

So, length of dating/courtship and if it graduates to marriage depends on individuals and their specific circumstances. If a couple meet in university, it is more likely they will date for a longer time, than those who meet at thirty. My parents got married after just a few months and they are still happily married. And then you hear of some couples that date for 10 years, get married and then are divorced within the year. True story.

Some of you may already know ours. I met Atala on a messageboard and we sorta, kinda, anonymously knew each other for a year online before we tentatively started talking. That lasted for two months and then broke down. We got back together one month later and began to build the foundations of a real relationship. Four months after that, he proposed and we got married two months later. It's a confused timeline, but I like to peg it at 6months of dating.

That's quite short by some people's standards, but at least we didn't get the whole, "so, when are you two getting married?" I think that question puts a lot of pressure on the couple, and especially on the woman about marriage. This can skew the couple's perspective and prevent them from really focusing on the important things.

The time to begin to think about marriage is when you feel you know the person well enough that you are confident that they are the person you want to, and you CAN, spend the rest of your life with them. All the rules about dating and timing really become obsolete when things click between a couple.

In such a scenario, rather than the number of years a couple has been together, it's more a question of finding out if both of you have compatible relationship goals, what expectations you have about marriage, and whether each partner, as an individual, is mentally prepared to be life partners in a marriage.

But what if all these things align, and you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance are exclusive but there's no ring, no proposal and no firm wedding date after two years? How long will you wait? Three years, five years, seven, ten, or more? What will you do, give an ultimatum, or just walk away?

To the general readers, how long do you think a couple should know each other before they fix their wedding date, (and I mean a date no more than a year or two from the engagement)? I'm interested in the opinions and experiences out there. In terms of experiences, I want to hear it from the married peeps.

Hope you all had a good weekend, BTW? Congrats to the Chelsea supporters sha, make una enjoy, *under my breath* for now.

_________________

Myne Whitman - award-winning blogger, bestselling author, columnist, and founder of Naijastories.com.

Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg Updates Status to Married

2012-05-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

There are several relationship statuses on Facebook. There's single, there's it's complicated, there's in a relationship, and there's married. Mark Zuckerberg, changed his own status from In a relationship to Married just this evening and it's got everyone buzzing. There are almost half a million likes to the update which came with the picture below.

But isn't that why it is called Facebook? It is the social networking site to allows us to indulge our ego, voyeurism, or paranoia as the case may be. You have to update every detail of your life with a picture, and now there's a timeline to make sure everything is in chronological order. Talk about nerds and techies, but hey, we fall in love and get married too, and the latest is Mark Zuckerberg :)

The founder of Facebook, is certainly one that takes his own medicine. I checked out his wall today, and he adds pictures to almost all his updates, and has organized his timeline all the way to when he was born. There are pictures of him and his girlfriend dating back to 2009, and his goal of 2010/2011 was to learn Mandarin Chinese to help him communicate better with her family.

Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan have been dating for almost ten years, since they met in Harvard, and now that she has graduated, they decided it was time to get hitched. Apparently the wedding was a last minute revelation to the friends that were invited, they initially thought they were going to the girlfriend's graduation party.

Zuckerberg and his girlfriend were already in the news this week with Facebook's Initial Public Offer, marking his 28th birthday, and Priscilla Chan also graduating from medical school.

I'm sure this week or even this month will be one they won't forget in a hurry, with lots of achievements, milestones and happy days. I wish them even more joy and all the love that comes with marriage.

Fun Facts - Mark Zuckerberg is worth billions of dollars, he designed the wedding ring, and the ceremony took place in his home backyard with less than 100 guests. :)

_________________

Myne Whitman - award-winning blogger, bestselling author, columnist, and founder of Naijastories.com.

Hidden Ville - An Upcoming Comic Series

2012-05-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

About a couple of months ago, one of my favorite bloggers, Mike's Frequency, contacted me to discuss his recent project. A friend of his who is an artist, Korede Awofuwa, had started a cartoon blog and Mike wanted me to check it out. I liked what I saw and Mike said I should expect a cartoon version of my FB profile. Below is the outcome of that discussion.

Since then, Mike and Korede have gone ahead to set up a full scale comic seies. Korede is the author of ‘Be the Difference’, he studied Electrical and Electronics Engineering at Covenant University where his love for the paintbrush grew amidst waves of complex circuits and theorems.

Korede has recently launched his company Koryarts Ventures, an artistic company that renders art services such as graphic designs, album cover artworks, drawings, paintings, handmade cards and photography works. He is launching the first product of Koryarts, a comic series titled ‘HIDDEN VILLE’ with the help of a team of creative individuals.

Genre: Fantasy, Action

Launch Date: June 2nd, 2012

Hidden Ville comic series tell the story of how a young boy named Kiba, who happens to be among seven extraordinary beings, born with supernatural powers struggles to scale through many adversaries coming his way. From difficult training sessions on how to control his powers to dealing with all forms of enemies which include villagers, warriors and even countries, his strength and character will yet face many tests. Seal comic in an attempt to take readers into a fantasy world is subtly filled with humor and can be enjoyed by all ages.

With its splendid storyline and conceptual pages, Hidden Ville is set to be an outstanding release into the market. For the comic screenshots, visit the Koryarts Blog, and watch the video trailer below.

Copies of Hidden Ville will be available at Cinemas and Bookshops in Nigeria after the launch. Sales on Amazon will follow soon after. Get Yours Now!

Oko Mi by Ju Spice - Romance Meets Music

2012-05-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

Oko Mi is Yoruba for ‘My Husband’ and is Ju Spice's first single. The song is dedicated to all husbands and men that will be man enough to tie the knot. As well as the heart-felt lyrics, I love the traditional elements in the song and which also infuses into the video - simple and sweet. Enjoy and have a lovely weekend.

"Ju Spice is a Contemporary Soul singer whose earthy music has a blend of High Life, Juju, Hip-Hop and R&B. Married and blessed with a kid and with another on the way, she is a Gospel minister and presently the Music Director of Church Reloaded, Warri." Bellanaija.com

The First Year of Marriage - Two Becomes One?

2012-05-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

I read a thread on Nairaland sharing on the first year of marriage and it surprised me how even though most people's marriages are different, in some cases, you see yourself in the midst of many. It was also interesting that a lot of unmarried peeps reading commented that it was a very useful topic for them because they didn't really know much about marriage or what to expect. Who really does?

This got me thinking, and one day I'll share a full post on my own first year. Suffice to say that I equally asked myself at least once, are you sure? The answer by the time the night was done always came back positive.

Anyway, I was mostly nodding as I read, lots of familiarizing sex, some wow, some not so great. Some clashes of personality as iron tried to sharpen iron, some intensely beautiful moments that even words cannot describe, the long, lazy days, the days you miss your family so much, you cry. Then add to that being in a new place, trying to make new friends, find your feet, re-organize your goals and accept changes, physically, mentally and emotionally, it is a trying period for me, I tell you.

However, I'll not trade those memories for any thing. There's just this thing about marriage that either brings out the best or the worst in you, and when you go into it with the right mindset and the right person, it matures you like nothing else. Some of the responses on the NL thread included the following;

- "best time of my life, still feel a warm sensation when i remember, plenty plenty rocking, fun fun fun, discovering new parts of the house and every place we could have s3x."

- "Half on half. The first half was great and we were in honeymoon land and the other half was the most stressful time of our marriage;"

- "It was hell, the only good thing was my girls nd my head that came out of it. I also appreciate others wonderful experience nd i expect to have a blissfull one in my next marriage"

- "It was not much fun actually. Sure, we were in love, innocent and a bit overconfident... but we also argued a lot, doubted, were scared about that BIG commitment"

- "Unfortunately, mine wasn't rosy at first. Even after dating for a few years, marriage was still a different ball game."

- "I don't know why i felt the way i did, immediately i got married, for some reasons i felt i had made the wrong choice (maybe because i had few guys that wanted to marry me then too)"

- "Spent in bed.From the bedroom to the hospital bed,back to the bedroom with 2 boys to mother.

- "Wasn't fun at all. It actually hit me right in the face that I couldn't just get up and leave after an argument. I loved my space and then I realised that ooops, I will be sharing my space with someone else."

- "I dated my husband in a long distance relationship , although i saw him every month. My first year of marriage was not what I planned. But I learned patience and discovered how much I loved my husband and how I could go through anything for him."

- "Five Months in and going steady, no quarrels at all, both of us respects each other, i have grown to know her for 5 yrs before wedding and i know when she is about to get in a mood and how to handle it,"

Certainly, there were some differences from my experience, for instance, we put off starting a family immediately, and we're obviously still together. Still, it's not surprising that at least one of the respondents broke up in their first year, a lot of stats out there support that a lot of I do's don't go beyond the first six months. Especially when there is no good rapport between the couple or worse still, negative interference from the extended family.

But, enough of my jabbering. I'd like those who are in the institution to share.

Also, those in between single and married, that is, double without the wahala, do you think you have a fair idea of what the first year of your marriage will be like?

Those single, do you think you know yourself enough to know how you'll bear up under the most extreme frustrations? Or maybe it only seems so in the heat of the moment :)

Let's discuss...

Love in Bloom is Sweet Romance

2012-05-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, it's been all sunshine and flowers over here. The rain is staying away and the sun is bathing everything in sweet warmth that is just hits the spot, not too hot yet. It gives me this light feeling inside and on our plenty walks I want to stop and smell the flowers or pluck some to put in my hair.

Love is definitely in bloom in this corner of my world and it is just the perfect time for this giveaway. Featuring Lighthearted/Contemporary Young Adult and Sweet/Clean Adult Romance, the hop hosted by I Am A Reader, Not A Writer and Portrait of a Book.

I really enjoyed reading the following book after winning it in a giveaway and want to share the love. I will be giving away a copy of Found in Translation by Roger Bruner and his daughter Kristi Rae Bruner.

When Kim Hartlinger—eighteen and spoiled—arrives on a mission trip to Mexico and discovers, to her chagrin, that she’ll be doing construction in a remote village without plumbing and electricity, rather than evangelism in a medium-sized town with a fast food joint . . she has only two choices. “Rough it” (which isn’t exactly what Kim had in mind when she signed up for this trip) or turn around and head home. Will Kim be able to touch the villagers’ hearts with the Gospel? Or will her time in Mexico be up before she gets the chance? Goodreads

To be eligible to win this book, fill in the rafflecopter correctly. Winners will be contacted with 48hrs after the end of the giveaway and have the same time to respond.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Below are other blogs taking part in this giveaway hop. Good luck!

Unconditional Love - Tribute to Donna Summer

2012-05-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

Donna Summer, the disco queen, passed away today after a long battle with cancer. "Summer [was] known for her many hits, including "Hot Stuff," "Last Dance," "She Works Hard for the Money" and "Bad Girls," among many others, and won five Grammys over the course of her career.Born Donna Gaines and raised in Boston, Summer began singing in her church and decided to pursue a career in music in the late '60s. After performing in musicals in Europe, she released her first single, "Sally Go 'Round the Roses," Aol Music

Getty Images

Most of Donna Summer's songs had the disco trademark tune and who can forget classics like She Works Hard for the Money, Last Dance, I Will Go With You, and Unconditional Love? I Will Go With You is a powerful ballad, full of soul, and my type of music, but Unconditional Love left a lasting impression on me from way back when. Donna Summer collaborated on it with Musical Youth, and the songs has one of those catchy tunes that stays with you long after you've finished listening to it. And then there was the video with small children who back then were around the same age with my siblings and I. You can imagine that we memorized the lyrics of the song and performed it on one or more occasions.

Donna Summer was 63 years old. May her soul rest in peace. Though she had her share of the troubles of fame, she will forever be remembered for the amazing voice, talent and beauty she shared with the rest of us.

What man

you know it's a bright and shiny day.

I want to say something to you

I love you just like ja do.

We know a place

where ja's people can run free

A new kind oflove and we call it Agape.

Don't take too long to find

true love transcends all time

That non-reacting

everlasting love.

Give me your unconditional love

The kind of love I desenre

the kind I want to return.

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Don't try to change or tear your brother down.

Let him make his mistakes and he will come around.

Hasten just to pray and ja's true word obey

In non-reacting

everlasting love.

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Hasten just to pray and ja's true word obey

In non-reacting

everlasting love.

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

Give me your unconditional love

. . .

[Source]

My Big Fat Nigerian Wedding - Creativity or Extravagance?

2012-05-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

I was reading a blog the other day by an expat who attended their first Nigerian wedding in Nigeria and was amazed that there were over 10 priests. The blogger joked that it was as if the planners of the wedding wanted there to be as many ministers as possible witnessing the marriage so that no one can deny it took place after the fact. I smiled as I remembered my own wedding. There were two bishops, 3 Archdeacons and about 7 other priests.

In any typical Nigerian wedding, there are at least 2 or 3 priests and then you have to talk about the 200 - 1000 other guests that attend, and the masses of money paid for photography and video for the big day. Of course, it is not about witnesses, but about the Nigerian way of inviting as many friends and family as you can to celebrate with you. This ties back a bit to my post on destination weddings and the recent CNN article on the wedding boom in Nigeria.

"There's always been this joy around weddings, but now there's also this whole creativity: It's more like a production, and nobody knows where it's going to stop," he said. "People just imagine it and make it happen."

Themes such as a "snow wedding" would involve decorating the entire hall to match the concept, he said.

"Ten years back, you would normally do all the arrangements for the wedding yourself or with your friend," he said. "Now, for every aspect of the wedding there's a vendor that can help you."

The trend has been driven by the many young Nigerians living overseas, who had introduced ambitious ideas for wedding themes, along with the concept of the wedding planner: a professional event organizer who could realize the happy couple's vision for their big day, typically at their parents' expense.

Osunkoya said families typically put much effort and expense into the event, as a wedding was an important status symbol -- although "not in a negative way."

"It's showing how well you've done, and for the bride and groom, this is their time," he said.

"Most times in Nigeria, the parents take care of the wedding -- and there are many weddings where it's just a blank check," he said. "It s a thing of joy to have your children married, so most of the time, the parents want to go all out. That's where you see total creativity." [Source]

The last paragraph was true of my parents. While Atala and I contributed to most of the wedding expenses, my parents covered the rest of it, and when I baulked at the number of priests who were to officiate, my dad took that over too. You see, it wasn't free and that was what I found strange. Most of them said they were coming as a favor to my parents who are knights in the church but still they were to receive 'thank-you envelopes'.

But even then, the priests honorariums were the least of our expenses. And Nigerian weddings are not just big, in terms of numbers. By the time you add the costs of the ashebi, refreshments for everyone, venue, couples' outfits, etc, you begin to see how fat a wallet you need to pull off your wedding. In 2009, we spent over 2M and that was me being finicky and frugal. Imagine.

I wonder what weddings cost these days, especially these big, fat, wedding planner events?

With hindsight, I have to add that once a couple manage to cut their expenses to meet a budget, you kind of forget the stress of it all after a while. As far as you remember to delegate enough not to be overwhelmed on that day, but enjoy the beauty of sharing a memory with your love. It's a bit like what they say about labor, you forget the pain after the baby comes and that the outcome is totally worth the pain.

Also, when you remember that the wedding is just one day and that you have the rest of your lives to look forward to and plan for, it helps to put things in perspective.

_________________

Myne Whitman - award-winning blogger, bestselling author, magazine columnist and founder of Naijastories.com

An African American Finally on the Bachelorette

2012-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Do you think there'll ever be a African American man or woman as the main star on the Bachelor Series? I am just catching up on the season premiere of The Bachelorette and got to see that the guy below came on as one of the 25 contestants in the first episode. Unfortunately, he has already been kicked off by Emily who is the Bachelorette of the season. He wasn't the wackiest of them all but I guess he's not to Emily's specs.

Lerone [ABC.com]

About a month ago, the news were abuzz about the racism that has been observed in the TV Show. Two African American men had sued ABC and the show producers for not giving them the same chance to get on as contestants on the show as other white applicants. The cited their short auditions and the fact that since the inception of the show, no African American has been the star of the show, and there had only been a handful of black or minority contestants.

At this point, after watching 5 of the series back to back, I am even wondering whether they should even bother. The show seems to be losing its shine for me. Of the five couples I watched hook up, only one pair are still together. Funny thing is, apart from one of them, I saw their breakup on the cards even before the finales rolled. It was as if they undermine themselves, maybe they're really not there to find love or someone to marry, but just to be on TV and get to kiss and see as many women as they can. Hmpf.

I'm still watching though, let's see what Emily does with her season. Maybe being a single mom will mean that she is more focused and knows what she wants.

Ego Massaging - Also Known As Giving Compliments

2012-05-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

Mmm... yeahh... oh yeah, that feels really good.... yeah.... mmhh? Oh, excuse me. You just interrupted me as I was enjoying a good and nourishing ego massage from Myne. Ego massage, you wonder? Should I even be admitting this in public?

Hi there, this is Atala. Let me step back a bit and answer the question for those of you who are wondering: what exactly is ego massaging? Simply put, it is the act of making someone feel better about themselves with the power of words aka giving compliments. It is about making them feel more confident, more optimistic and filled with more positive aspirations by making utterances that resonate with their ego.

In fact, ego massaging is part and parcel of our culture, right from the moment we are born - we are given positive, aspirational names such we are guaranteed to get a mini ego-massage every time someone calls our name.

So if this is what ego massaging can achieve, why is it condemned at all? Well, the problem is that there is a right and a wrong way to go about ego-massaging. This is why ego-massaging is an art - it is not for the unskilled person who thinks that it is about opening their mouth and uttering complimentary words. Oh, no. On the contrary, a skilful ego-massager will know the following:

He will take time to understand the nature of the ego he is massaging. Just as we have different personalities, different tastes and differing backgrounds, so also we have differing egos. Some egos are the size of a pea and require little and infrequent massaging; some some, at size of a watermelon, are much more 'high maintenance'. Some egos are as smooth as silk and respond easily to the gentlest of massages; others are as rough as high grade sandpaper and should be massaged with care. So the skilled ego massager knows that words of praise that might suit one ego at a particular time might be a complete turn off to another, and he will take time to observe the responses of the ego to gentle probing before deciding to 'go in deep'.

He will offer sincere compliments of praiseworthy qualities in the ego-massagee. I'll state this upfront now: Insincere flattery is NOT ego-massaging. Only the person in desperate need of an ego-massage will appreciate being told he is in fantastic health when he weighs over 20 stone; in fact, that comment is in danger of being viewed as sarcastic.

So the expert ego-massager will take time to really understand the ego-massagee. He will not just praise the ego-massagee for having this or showing that, but he will cite specific instances where he has observed this happening. In fact, the skilled ego-massager will take care to cite instances that the ego-massagee did not even know that anyone was paying attention to - and this offers an additional boost to the massaging, as it tells the massagee that he is so important that people pay attention even to the minor things he does.

I should point out here that there are three kinds of praiseworthy qualities: the ones the the ego-massagee knows about and appreciates, the ones he knows about but does not appreciate and the ones he does not even know about. The good ego-massager will identify the first type fairly quickly; the great ego-massager will identify the second type of qualities, and convince the massagee why he should appreciate them; but the truly superior ego-massager will dig deep down into the psyche of the massagee and unearth the third type before polishing it and presenting it to the massagee in the form of a deep, stimulating massage.

He will time his ego-massages appropriately. The skilful ego-massager understands that the effect of an ego-massage is amplified if it is delivered when the massagee is prepared to receive it. Unlike the charlatans who go about braying out praises at full volume, irrespective of the occasion, he will wait until the massagee is in need of an boost to his confidence, or when he is facing discouragement, or simply when he is relaxed enough to be receptive to sincere compliments.

So there are some of the hallmarks of a skilful ego-massager. In fact, there are some ego-massagers that are so skilful that you aren't even aware that your ego has been massaged until long after they're gone... and the warm glow you feel afterwards stays for you with days.

On the other hand, as I mentioned in passing, there are those quacks who peddle compliments like crack cocaine to those who display a disposition to entertain any kind of ego-massaging, no matter how insincere it may be. Such a situation can get out of hand, where the ego-massagee begins to live in a fantasy world in which he has all the desirable qualities as described by quack massager - and because he likes it in this world, he is in constant need of continuous quack compliments to perpetuate this fantasy. I think that this is what may be going on in the corridors of power in Nigeria, where powerful men surround themselves with a coterie of quack sycophants to massage their ever expanding egos (which I guess must be the size of Zuma Rock).

The bigger problem with this kind of quack massaging is that the massagee believes so strongly that he has the abilities described that he attempts to act them out. Now I'm a big believer in positive thinking - but ain't no amount of positive thinking that can make a chicken fly or an ant lift an elephant. And so it is with these hapless massagees - they end up inflicting their ineptitude on others who unfortunately bear the brunt of a poorly implemented action or policy.

But I must not dwell on the downside of ego-massaging. The reality is that done right, giving compliments is a healthy and important part of our human interaction. It is the lubricant that keeps the wheels of human discourse turning. So as you finish reading this article, I charge you to spread the good vibrations amongst your fellow man by sincerely complimenting them for something they have said or done.

I exhort you to ask the question - "Have I massaged someone's ego today?". If not, you can start by massaging mine by telling me how much you enjoyed this fantastic article...

How I Take care of My Skin

2012-05-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

First, a word from today's sponsors;

I'm talking about my skin today because I was reminded by the last meme I took part in - 11 Question Tag - where I answered questions about my beauty regime and my favorite beauty product. While I'm not a cosmetic junkie by any means, I try to use a small number of good quality skin care products to take care of my skin, especially my face. While it's not susceptible to acne, the sun is a different matter altogether and I have noticed that generally, my face tends to be darker than the rest of my body.

You see, when you do not use products with sun protection in a tropical country like Nigeria, the possibility of sun damage is very high. A few years ago, I began to notice the uneven skin tone down the sides of my face. Funnily enough, I never realized how susceptible I was to sunburn until I moved to the United States.

I had gone to the beach with Atala wearing a halter-neck bathing suit and without sunscreen. It was my first summer here after a very dreary spring and I was lapping up the sun like a dog starved of water. However, I had to beg for us to leave after some hours. My back was on fire. You guessed it, I had sunburn on my face and my back. It was so serious that I had to use medication for almost a week after that.

I have since learned my lesson, and since then all facial moisturizers and body lotions I use must have at least SPF-15. Thankfully, as I crossed the big 3-0 and continued to take care of my skin, I've been seeing some improvements. I'm still not the kind of woman who uses lots of products or tons of makeup. I find what I like and what works for me and I try stick to it as long as it remains available.

More than name brands, I think it is the function of the product itself that makes the most difference. For instance, I notice that for cleansing, facial wipes are nicer to my sensitive skin than say, cotton balls and toner or astringent. It is also good to know where your skin falls into in the ranges used by a particular skin care regimen. My skin is combination/oily and any time I use a product outside this range or one without this definition, I usually break out in small rashes or worse clogged pores.

These things don't bother me so much any more because with age, I now know that the conditions are usually not permanent and rarely life threatening. Another thing is that the older I get, the more comfortable I am in my skin, and I've found that I've moved beyond coveting the smooth skin on other people. I also worry less about what other people think of me and my skin issues because, at this point, I know I am more than my skin.

With that said, I don't want to look older than my age. I am enjoying my thirties and looking forward to all the rest it has to bring, as well as beyond. My mum is a beautiful woman and in her 60s now. She still takes great care of herself. Same with my sisters, one of whom just finished her NYSC. Why am I saying this? Because I want to look great right next to all of them.

So I'll ask you the same questions I did in the tag, what is your beauty regime and your favorite beauty product?

PS - Let me use this opportunity to say thanks for bearing with the ads on my blog and supporting the sponsors. I really appreciate it, and hope to continue bringing value to my readers both through my content, reviews, giveaways and more.

Were You Team Karen or Team Ivy on Smash?

2012-05-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

The season finale of the NBC show Smash aired last night, and we finally know who got the leading role. I was kind of disappointed to be honest cos I had been rooting for Ivy to get it throughout most of the season's episodes. By the way, Smash is a portrayal of what it takes to put together a musical based on the life of Marilyn Monroe and get it to Broadway

NBC.com

I liked the show, not just because it was a musical, and followed it semi-religiously every Monday for the past few months. It was well written, and the staged music was just fantastic. They had some pretty interesting characters and some storylines that kept me watching.

The competition between the two would-be leading ladies geared up very from the very first episode when we were introduced to two talented singers vying for the spotlight and the chance to play Marilyn. As the season progressed, we got to know them better, with the two of them striking up an uneasy alliance along the line. The rivalry ratcheted up last week when the character of Uma Thurman, star Rachel Duvall, bowed out of the production of Bombshell among other stuff happening.

So who are the two women battling it out in the ring?

There's Karen, or saint K as Atala called her last night, he's on her side of course. Karen (in gold) is a small town girl, typical girl next door and she can do no wrong it seems. Karen is beautiful - prettier and younger than Ivy - and she has a cute boyfriend too. Being the good girl, she turned down the advances of the director of the upcoming Marilyn show.

While I am a champion of someone standing by their convictions, and especially women when it comes to opportunist men who abuse their positions of power, the character of Karen seems somehow one-dimensional, and she does not convince me that she really wants that role. To be clear, she has a great voice, and can perform quite well. Maybe the confusion that comes through is cos she is also split between her love for her BF and the desire to be a Broadway star.

And then there's Ivy (in red) - Some may say Karen is the underdog in this show because she's inexperienced and new to town but to me Ivy is the underdog and that is why I like her. I also like that you can't confuse her for a saint, her character is so much more nuanced. She is insecure and tries to cover it up by being very snarky. Her mother was a Broadway star and Ivy has been working her ass off for years singing chorus and trying to match up with her mother's success. You can call her jaded, and you won't be far off.

I was rooting for Ivy because not only did I think she deserved a break, I also believed she was the more talented singer. She has an amazing voice with a powerful range, and listening to some of her songs gave me goosebumps. Also, Ivy is so passionate about Marilyn and about the show, she actually gave pointers to the director - who she entered a relationship with after a couch casting call - on making it all work better.

Well, Karen got the role in the end, and we're left to wonder the fate of Ivy. All I can say is that I may stop watching Smash next season depending on what happens to Ivy.

PS - The byline below is for those who copy my posts verbatim. Thanks for the love.
_________________

Myne Whitman - bestselling author, award-winning blogger, magazine columnist, and founder of Naijastories.com.

Expectations from Relationships - What are Yours?

2012-05-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

One thing I've come to realize as my marriage progresses is that relationships are all about expectations, even as they are about communication. A lot of us have very high expectations of relationships and even much more of marriages. These expectations follow us from childhood, and what we see our parents and other married couples do. We read them in books, watch them in movies and TV and play-act them in the little mummy and daddy drama we take part in with other children.

We also pick some up as adults as we begin to negotiate life on our terms and mix up with different kinds of individuals, at work and at play. When some of these expectations are picked up from broken relationships that are not properly healed, they are known as baggage. I read an excerpt from Timaya's interview in a magazine where he said,

“My bride must be very intelligent, outspoken, caring and loving. Her strongest quality is, she must be God-fearing. A woman that is God-fearing will not jump around and she will be submissive to her man. I’m not searching for a perfect woman. I’m not yet married because I haven’t found a God-fearing woman who will pamper me and our would-be children. A woman that cooks very well and who will stay my side in time of trials. A woman who loves me from the depth of her heart, in spite of my shortcomings.” [Source]

These are indeed some of the expectations we have of relationships, and the people we get into them with. Sometimes we're lucky and we meet the people who fit into our wishes up to an extent that we can live with, and all things being equal, and when there's mutual attraction and love, we get together either in short or long-term relationships. It is actually good to know what you want and expect from the person you want to enter a relationship. And as one gets older, we begin to add to those expectations that we prefer a long-term relationship, that is, marriage.

One thing to bear in mind though is that there are no guarantees in life. Also life is ever changing, and never static. Just as we keep growing and maturing as individuals, so also our expectations, new ones keep cropping up over time, and they can change too. So it is imperative to come to a relationship with a realistic and practical mindset. Are you looking for a perfect person, is that possible? And what about yourself, are you meeting up to expectations? Are you flexible and willing to adjust when new things materialize?

I remember that Atala and I did not go through much marriage counseling because we were living 6000miles apart. I attended the classes through my church back then and we would discuss them over the phone, email and webcam. The pastor gave me workbooks to help us to talk over things like how to address conflict, and what we wanted our marriage to look like. We certainly discussed these issues but not necessarily based on the workbooks, rather as and when the need came up.

But I don't think there was stuff about expectations, or maybe I was not paying enough attention. You see, some of the seminars were filled with pages and pages of stuff to do and because our relationship was going swimmingly, I often dumped them by the side. When we arrived Asaba for the wedding proper, my parent's priest who was to officiate the marriage planned a couple of meetings with us. He went over some of the same things with us, sprinkled with his own experiences of marriage.

One day, after we had gotten married and were living together, we had a disagreement. Atala asked me what kinds of expectations I really had of him. “I don’t have any expectations you don't already know,” I think I said then. I can't remember exactly what the topic was that we were disagreeing on, but my mindset was like, just be yourself. However, as we continued talking, it became clearer to me that I did have an expectation, maybe even several expectations.

When I had said I didn't have expectations, I meant the usual stuff. I didn't expect him to provide for me (which he actually does, bless him), I didn't expect him to take out the trash, I didn't expect him to be Mr DIY, I didn't expect him to fight for me, or any of those manly stuff. And we had talked about these before then and so I felt he shouldn't have asked as he already knew.

Let me provide some background. I am a pretty straight forward person. I don't know how to play games. My nose might be buried in a book or something and so I miss the little cues that others use in their little social strategies. If you don't spell things out, it may just go over my head. Yeah, I can be nerdy - read socially awkward - like that.

Fast forward to that day in the reality of my married life. I was upset over something Atala had done or hadn’t done. As our conversation continued, I realized how many expectations I had that I had not really thought would become an issue.

For instance, I had expected that we would eat dinner together. This was not something we had discussed prior to when I moved in, and it came as a rude shock that he would think of just dishing his food and eating in front of the TV or going back to the book he was reading. For me, meal times, especially dinner, are a time to sit around a table and talk about the day, bond and catch up on stuff.

So as we continued our conversation, we did the following;

- We discussed some of the expectations of mine and some of his and how they were affecting our relationship.
- We decided on ways we could integrate the expectations that would make us better, as individuals and as a couple.
- We also agreed to jettison some others that would not work for us.
- We planned that this would be an ongoing conversation. And they have remained so.

So what are your own expectations about relationships? Do you think they're realistic? Have they changed over time? Has any of your expectations come to bite you in the butt in a past or current relationship? How have you learnt to deal with them?

Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are - Romance Meets Music

2012-05-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is having a good weekend? This is a hectic one, but gotta share this with you. Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars is a beautiful song to share with the ones you love. Enjoy...

A Kindle or Book Gift Idea for Mother's Day?

2012-05-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

Have you considered 50 Shades of Grey? The Ad below is a really funny spoof but it is Not Safe For Work, and if your kids are sensitive or too wise, do not watch with them. And if you are too squemish, do not watch either. This is Saturday Night Live being as irreverent as possible. Don't say I didn't warn you. That said, let's laugh a little...

Did someone ask what the book is all about? Amazon Description - "When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms."

You can read blogger Flourishing Florida's thoughts on the book below.

I have this surprising bestseller opened in my Kindle. I say surprising because I don’t think too highly of the novel. I think the writing, if it could be eaten, would be slightly tastier than pig dung. But for some reason, this book is blazing trails, and selling in millions of copies. It knocked ‘The Hunger Games’ off the USA charts, and is outselling ‘Twilight’.

In any case, this is not a book review. This is about what I learnt from this e-porn of a story. The summary is that what a lot of you Nigerians have been doing all these times you are calling yourselves professionals is called Vanilla Sex. [Source - FF on DailyTimes]

Full disclosure: I have not read 50 Shades of Grey and I do not plan to. Not that I don't read erotica, but I prefer mine vanilla (thanks FF), or the real deal. So I'll recommend a less controversial gift idea that will suit more of the women, mothers, and wives in our lives, Amazon Gift Cards are perfect and can be used anytime.

And you know something, appreciation can usually go beyond material stuff. For instance, a hug, a kiss, quality time, and some real loving vanilla don't cost a thing :)

Have a great Mother's Day you all!

If Tears Could Speak by Salatu Sule

2012-05-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

It is almost midnight, and the city is now very quiet. From the balcony where I am sitting, I can see the mild glow of the street lights reflecting off the tarred road. I hear the whoosh of waves beating on the rocks, a sound amplified in the stillness of the night. The children are asleep after the day’s hustle. Though I call them ‘children’, they are all grown up.

Hassan is a strapping young man of twenty-seven and has just started his own business – hard to believe, isn’t it? Walid is nineteen, looks as burly as Hassan and believes he has no more growing up to do. Faiza, your little princess, is twenty-two and it is because of her that we are all here this weekend.

Is it not strange that for the first time in fifteen years, we will be here together again on October 1st? I wonder if this day carries any special significance for Faiza. She was touched much more deeply than anybody else. Hassan went to boarding school shortly afterwards; Walid was young, too young to remember those tumultuous times.

I remember many things, too many things, things I don’t want to remember: Mama and her harsh words, Big Brother and his sudden hostility. I can see the bedroom again as it was on that morning, many Octobers ago. Faiza barges in, in her customary manner, throwing a greeting as she bounds up to the bed where you are lying.

“Daddy,” she says, “you promised that you would get me the doll today, today.”

I scold her, “Your daddy is resting today. It’s a public holiday.”

Faiza leans against the bed. She traces squiggles on the bed sheet with her finger. Her legs are crossed at the ankles, her lips pushed out in a pout. She peeks at you from beneath her lowered lids. You groan and roll out of bed. “You children will not kill me,” you mumble. You never could say ‘No’ to that face of hers.

“Instead of you to rest, you want to go racing around town hunting for a doll,” I say to you.

“It wouldn’t really be hunting, because I remember the shop where I saw it. It is near your tailor’s place.”

“Really? In that case let me go with you and pick up my dress from the tailor’s.”

Smiling, you say to me, “Look at the person who has been telling me to rest.”

We leave a few minutes later, with Faiza hopping after the car and telling us to hurry. Walid asked for a toy car but I will persuade you not to buy it because he takes them apart as soon as they get into his hands. I have threatened to have the carpenter make him a toy car carved out of wood. He cried the day I told him that.

Though the streets are not busy, there is quite a lot of traffic near the shop because it is very close to a bus stop. I enter the shop with you to make sure you do not buy Walid a toy car he does not need – and I succeed (though you buy coloring books for him and Faiza).

You see a pack of gel pens and you insist on buying one so that you can write “from daddy with love” on the inside cover of the books. While you are paying for the purchases, I go to the tailor’s shop. I find the tailor hemming the dress. He is done in a few minutes. As I emerge from the shop, I hear shouts coming from a group near the bus stop.

One man breaks away from the group and yells something about “monkey dey work, baboon dey chop”. He is followed by a policeman who says, “My friend, stop shouting at me.”

“Wetin? Na by force? I no get money for you, period!” the man says, still shouting.

“Your mouth dey sharp like razor because I have not dealt with you,” says the policeman.

“You can’t do anything!” the man replies, and strides past me.

“Let’s go,” you call to me, unlocking the car.

“These policemen,” I mutter. I get into the car. As I twist around to grasp my seatbelt, there is a loud bang accompanied by the explosion of glass. I scream and shield my head with both hands. Glass falls all over me, stinging my hands. I can hear people shouting. I raise my head. The windshield is gone.

“What was that?” I ask you. You are leaning back on your seat, eyes shut as if thinking of a suitable answer. There is blood on the head rest of your seat. I am looking at your face, thinking you might just turn to look at me and say, “Why is everyone shouting?”

There are people all around the car, all talking really loudly. A hand rests on my shoulder and voices ask me, “Madam, is this your husband?” “Where do you live?” These strangers help me get home; they watch the car until your family gets there. Their kindness contrasts sharply with your family’s attitude towards me.

Your mother and brothers change suddenly. They are bitter that you were killed so carelessly and eager to control the little wealth you and I have put by. They want the bungalow too.

I find myself fighting off my in-laws with the fury of a tigress defending her cubs. When the battle finally ends, every iota of strength I have within me is gone. Each morning, the thought of eating, talking, going to work, taking the children to school and sorting out your affairs simply exhausts me.

I send Hassan to boarding house so he does not have to witness the ugliness. Walid sleeps, eats and plays through it all. Faiza clings to my side, ignoring everyone and everything.

She holds onto the coloring book you bought for her as if your spirit were shut between its pages. She sometimes sits quietly for long moments, deep sadness in her eyes. I try to think of ways to comfort her, but what do I say?

I do not know how much she knows about the incident but she asks at intervals, “Have they arrested the policeman yet?” I say to her, “Soon, they’ll catch him”. That is the only answer I give each time she asks about the policeman.

Finally, I lie. I tell her that he is in prison. I start believing it myself. I add to my fantasy a mad policeman. It makes more sense to your little princess and me that way.

Each year, on September 30th, I sit on this balcony and watch October 1st arrive. Somewhere in my head, I believe that perhaps if I write a letter to you while I wait for sunrise, the next twelve months will be easier to live through.

P.S.

Your little princess will be married by this time tomorrow. My father will stand as her guardian and give her away (your family cut us off after the battle over inheritance). When I enter her room tonight, I see the coloring book on her bedside table. The pictures inside are as plain as they were the day you bought it. Your writing is still on the inside cover: To Faiza, from daddy with love. I think she will take it with her to her new home. I smile.

Faiza has her coloring book and I have my letters.

___________

This was first published on Naijastories.com as If Tears could Speak by Salatu Sule and then selected for the Anthology. If you love the work of the writers, support us by buying the book.

Naijastories.com is the leading community for Nigerian writers and book lovers, combining elements of a writing critique website and a social networking site. Of Tears and Kisses, Heroes and Villains is Volume 1 of the 'Best of NaijaStories' series. The 30 stories featured in this anthology were all originally published on this website between March 2010 and March 2011.

Buy Paperback from the NaijaStories Createspace Store

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____
**If you live in Nigeria and want the book delivered in PDF to your inbox, please contact admin@naijastories.com for payment details (via Zenith Bank and GTBank).

Sign Fireman's Church and Hot Girls in Lagos

2012-05-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

This is for those living in Nigeria. Please did anyone actually see this flyer or poster in Lagos? I just saw it on Facebook and wanted to brush it off as a Nollywood spoof but someone insisted it was real? Surely this is one of those Lady Gaga, Rihanna-Beyonce movies?

BTW, I watched the documentary on Sign Fireman and some other Nigerian pastors where he said God is a game and Church is essentially a business, but this is surely crossing the line? I have been SMH since I saw this. Lagos peeps, I await answers...

Obama Makes a Stand for Same Sex Marriage

2012-05-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

I don't think Obama speaking out will make such a huge difference in the scheme of things, but it will certainly make for a more interesting time as the election campaigns heat up.

"I had hesitated on gay marriage in part because I thought that civil unions would be sufficient. I was sensitive to the fact that for a lot of people, the word marriage was something that invokes very powerful traditions and religious beliefs. I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married."

On how Michelle feels on the Issue;

"This is something that, you know, we’ve talked about over the years and she feels the same way that I do. And that is that, in the end the values that I care most deeply about and she cares most deeply about is how we treat other people. We are both practicing Christians and obviously this position may be considered to put us at odds with the views of others but, when we think about our faith, the thing at root that we think about is, not only Christ sacrificing himself on our behalf, but it’s also the Golden Rule; treat others the way you would want to be treated. And I think that’s what we try to impart to our kids and that’s what motivates me as president and I figure the most consistent I can be in being true to those precepts, the better I’ll be as a dad and a husband and, hopefully, the better I’ll be as president."

On how he came to the decision to take a stand;

"It's interesting, some of this is also generational," the president continued. "You know when I go to college campuses, sometimes I talk to college Republicans who think that I have terrible policies on the economy, on foreign policy, but are very clear that when it comes to same-sex equality or, you know, sexual orientation, that they believe in equality. They are much more comfortable with it. You know, Malia and Sasha, they have friends whose parents are same-sex couples. There have been times where Michelle and I have been sitting around the dinner table and we're talking about their friends and their parents and Malia and Sasha, it wouldn't dawn on them that somehow their friends' parents would be treated differently. It doesn't make sense to them and, frankly, that's the kind of thing that prompts a change in perspective." Source

The Stock Exchange Drama and Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke

2012-05-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

As a writer, sometimes you feel like a prophet. I remember researching a subplot for A Heart to Mend in 2009, and deciding to frame it as a vendetta against the backdrop of illegalities in the Nigerian Stock Market. It wasn't totally new to me to be honest.

I had worked in a Nigerian Bank for about 2 years between 2005/06 and admired Soludo and Okereke-Onyuike in the beginning. As a BDO within that period, I advised clients to invest in stocks as well as used some of my own money to do the same. By the time I left the bank, I was less naive about how these things worked.

Some of that experience was what fed into writing the character of Edward in AHTM and setting the book in 2006. That year was quite a volatile one for the financial institutions in Nigeria, some of it good, some bad.

Just before I quit, my bank had just gone public, and employees were getting delayed salaries, and our bonuses were arbitrarily being converted to shares and stock of which we never saw certificates. There were rumors of margin trading, insider dealing, etc. By the time I checked on my stock investments by 2009, it was back to square one, and in some cases, ground zero.

Now, the truth is coming out gradually;

"The extent and nature of the market abuses carried out between 2006 and 2008 are primary reasons for the continuation of the investor apathy that we see today," Oteh said

The financial crisis saw shares lose 60 percent from market peak at the end of March 2008 to the same month a year later. The central bank had to bail out nine banks at a cost of $4 billion.

"There were incidences of financial skimming, misappropriation, false accounting, misrepresentation, and questionable transactions," Oteh told the hearing.

The stock exchange bought a yacht for 37 million naira ($235,300) that was meant to be presented as a gift during a 2008 award ceremony, yet there are no records of the receiver.

It also spent 186 million naira on 165 Rolex wrist watches as prizes, but only 73 were actually presented. "The outstanding 92 Rolex watches valued at 99.5 million naira remain unaccounted for," Oteh said.
....
Oteh noted that it was the banks' dealings in the capital markets that largely led to their demise.

Abuses included banks borrowing money to buy their own shares, misusing banking funds to fund fuel import companies owned by its directors and buying and selling the bank's own shares in short-term plays to turn a profit. [Source]

But Ndi Okereke-Onyuike is not taking the allegations sitting down. She's throwing her own punches. According to her,

the government regulators; the Central bank of Nigeria (CBN) and the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC), failed to provide any guide lines for margin loans which she said banks used to speculate on share prices.

“It was margin loans that led to the collapse of the Nigerian Stock Exchange, nothing more” she affirmed as she blamed the failure of the regulatory bodies to fulfill their responsibilities.

Professor Okereke-Onyuike in her presentation, largely blamed the banks for solely being responsible for the collapse of the capital market as she accused the CBN and the SEC of failing to protect investors when margin loans were indiscriminately given out by commercial banks.

She noted that the CBN cordoned the banks establishment of several arms, such as their own registrars, which they will now use when they want to come to market for a public offer. “We opposed the banks using their own registrars whenever they come to the market for offers” she said.

She also accused the SEC, of illegally collecting money from the stock exchange and market brokers to fund its regulatory activities.

Responding to the allegations levelled against the council of the NSE on Monday by SEC’s DG, Dr Arunma Oteh, that the council spent N138 million on wrist watches and N39 million on yachts, Professor Okereke-Onyuike, stated that it is unfair for the SEC to accuse the NSE of mismanaging its finances when the SEC was one of the beneficiaries. [Source]

My problem in all this is that I still don't see light at the end of this tunnel. Okereke-Onyiuke has been sacked since 2010 and yet not much has been done to prosecute her for fraud or whatever, or even to stabilise and develop the sector.

Instead, these recent SEC accusations are borne by DG Arunma Oteh, who has still not explained the allegations of financial mismanagement leveled against her.

I'm beginning to think this all a drama to entertain Nigerians, or is there something I'm missing?

The 11 Question Tag - Who's Next?

2012-05-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I did my last meme that I've almost forgotten about them. But I do like reading the getting-to-know you tags on other blogs, and it's nice when someone remembers you. I was tagged by Destiny + Yankeenaijachick Success. Thankyou, dear.

These are the rules - You must post 11 things about yourself. Answer the questions that your tagger posted for you. Create 11 questions, then choose 11 people and tag them to answer your questions. Remember to let them know you tagged them. No tag backs...Let the tagger know when you answered their questions. So these are eleven things about me -

1. I live 8, and sometimes 9hrs behind GMT. This is for those in Naija and UK who beef me on FB and Twitter cos they think I ignore their tweets and chats. I am possibly sleeping by then.

2. To those saying HUH! to the above, don't be fooled by when my blog posts are published, most of them are scheduled days if not weeks in advance.

3. I am from Asaba and like to brag about it, but seriously, I don't know much about Asaba and the people. I sometimes cringe when people ask, oh...do you know so and so family?

4. I like musicals and so I guess it follows that I like the Opera. After attending about three Live Performances, I was almost about to scratch it off my interests list then I saw Madama Butterfly on a large screen. I now know I prefer it that way.

5. Yam used to be my favorite food, but I've pretty much gotten used to doing without it here, except once in a while when we visit the African store, and if you count poundo yam which I hear is half mash potatoes.

6. I like getting into arguments with people I think I can learn from. We may not agree but I think we rub off a little on each other in a way that help us become more open-minded.

7. I can be quite stubborn and sometimes perverse, meaning I can do things just to shock people. I used to find playing devil's advocate a lot of fun, but these days I try to act my age :)

8. My favorite show on TV right now is Smash, but I also like Scandal, Grimm and The Mentalist among others. My best reality TV is The Amazing Race. I also watch the Bachelor series, shame on me.

9. I miss my family in Nigeria something fierce sometimes. Thank God for new fangled technology like the mobile phone and internet. Now to convene a Google hangout with my parents.

10. I have the absolutely most awesome best friend in the whole wide world. Guess who?

11. My holiday job as a student in the UK was as a skate hire attendant. In between handing the skates to the visitors, I got on the ice a couple of times. I didn't learn to skate if that's what you were about to ask.

Now to 11 Questions from Destiny

1) The last place you visited - The Cinema to see the Avengers
2)What you ate for lunch - A Mango
3)Do you have any beauty regime that you always use? Body Lotion
4)What is your favorite beauty product? Olay Face Wipes
5)Do you have one weakness and how you overcame it? I used to have terrible anger management problems. This may sound simplistic but I asked God to take it away and He did.
6)What is your biggest accomplishment in life so far? Making my dream of a Masters degree a reality. But it has also been huge for me to publish my books and set up and maintain Naijastories.com and this blog.
7) What reality show do you watch all the time? The Amazing Race
8)Have you done something for anyone this year? Oh yes, thank God for the opportunity.
9)Tell me about your day - Answering emails, writing, blogging, checking up and tinkering with my websites, doing stuff around the home, and spending time with Atala.
10) What type of man do you love? A man who accepts me. Completely.
11)What is your favorite song? My Heart Will Go on by Celine Dion. Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton comes a very close second.

11 Questions for people I tag

1. How many brothers and sisters do you have?
2. What do you consider as success?
3. Rank Fame, Happiness, Love, Health and Money in order of preference.
4. Will you go for a PhD degree?
5. What kind of books do you like reading?
6. What are your hobbies?
7. Chocolate or Ice cream?
8. Your best movie and why?
9. What do you consider your best trait, personality or physical wise?
10. Where did you last go on holiday?
11. If you could be an animal, which would it be?

Almsot everyone seems to have been tagged but I'll add the following people and any other person reading this.

Sting
Mischif
kiah
Uche
ZouZous
PweddyFace
Seun-Odukoya
Kaycee
Atoskin
Shorty
Blogoratti

Call it Divorce or Separation - Just Save your Life

2012-05-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

This issue has cropped up again, and it totally tears me up when I hear of women who lose their lives unnecessarily. Let us consider this scenario. An unfaithful husband asks the wife to grant him a divorce cos he now loves another and wishes to be able to remarry after they're separated. Being a Christian woman, she refuses and remains in the same house with him as they begin counselling. The man, unwilling to lose his job or his lover, fakes therapy, and then plans and kills the wife.

The scenario above is a real story and it shocked me that off the back of it, some people are still quoting God hates divorce, and marriage is for life/till death. I agree that God hates divorce, but the second is up in the air. Now there are some people that are vexed when I question biblical basis for practical living. This may be the time to stop reading.

For those still reading, back to the story which you can read in full on Gbemisoke's blog, not only did the husband kill his wife, he killed their two sons too. Without mincing words, he is a monster and is deservedly in jail. I do not want to blame the woman because her heart was probably in the right place, but maybe if she had left, her life and those of her sons would have been saved. Also, maybe the devil would have found no foothold in the mind of the adulterous man to make him a murderer too.

I say the woman's heart is in the right place because a lot of us for various good reasons do not want to see our marriages end. There are the children to consider, and in some cases, you may still love the man and want to save him from himself, for instance if he is being unfaithful to you, or losing his faith in God. But there are other more selfish reasons people do not want to consider divorce. There is pride and wanting to save face among friends, or simply wanting to continue benefiting from the perks of legal marriage.

Some of these people when they're Christians hide behind the marriage-is-for-life dogma. I personally believe that this doctrine of 'indissolubility of legal marriage' is a human construct that uses a literal bible to coerce people. Jesus said he came to teach us, not the letter of the law, but the spirit.

The "NO DIVORCE" rule has its roots in the Roman Catholic history while the church was still closely tied to the state and soliciting for mass membership. With the decree, a rich heiress is kept tied to her husband (sometimes the pope/king) while he is free to commit adultery. Also, poor women were assured that if married in the church, their husbands would not be able to divorce them.

Before I expound on my own understanding of divorce within a Christian context, read more heart-rending stories.

A Senior Pastor of United Evangelical Church, Rev. Sunday Alfa has murdered his wife,a mother of 4 for refusing him sex.The wife,Mrs. Rose Alfa was murdered in the Mission House at about 3am in Igojo, Ubali Village near Okene in Kogi State.

We learnt that before the woman gave up the ghost,she had confessed to a Policeman,who was taking her to the hospital that she did no wrong to her pastor husband and that the man came in the night in the room she was sleeping to demand for sex, but she refused because she gave birth to her last baby in October last year through cesarean section and the doctor asked her to abstain from sex for some time.

We gathered that the woman had divorced the pastor and went to Benin City to live with her brother,Mr. Alex Abah.

Four years later,the pastor went to meet the wife relations to beg for forgiveness and pleaded with them to allow his wife come back to him because he had been promoted to Senior Pastor and it was compulsory for him to bring back his wife before they could effect the promotion.
The wife’s relations agreed and allowed her to go back to the husband.

It was during his stay with the wife that the pastor eventually murdered her over sex. Source

This second tale is one we're more familiar with, it also ended in death. Titi Arowolo was allegedly killed in their home by an abusive husband. She left behind a motherless baby who will be an orphan if the husband is convicted to death.

During her testimony yesterday March 20th, Adetoun Oyakhire, Late Titi Arolowo's stepmum, told a Lago High Ccourt that Titi's alleged killer, her own husband, Akolade Arowolo, once chased Titi out of their home with a knife. She said:

Shortly after their wedding, there was a quarrel between them and Akolade pursued her out of the house with a knife. Titilayo was still breast-feeding at the time and her daughter was just three months old. Akolade snatched the baby and took her to his parents’ house at Ejigbo. Titilayo ran to our house that day and told us everything. Titi also told us on another occasion that Akolade had threatened to throw her off the penthouse and her dad told her to report the case to a police station but she never did.

She told her father that she was tired of the marriage and was going to file for a divorce. She stayed with us and when her father was leaving for Kano, he told her not to go back to her husband’s house. But Akolade came back saying he was a changed man and the deceased eventually moved back to his house in April (2011). Source

Now, the favorite quote of "no-divorce" proponents is God Hates Divorce. I agree, but He also hates adultery, and many other sins that yet exist within most Churches. In fact, one of the 10 commandments says, Thou shall not commit adultery. This I think is the reason Jesus agreed with the adultery clause in Jewish marriage laws that allows divorce.

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Matt. 19:9

If I may go further, in the bible, our relationship with God was often likened to marriage. Yet God gave us freewill, the knowledge of good and evil, AND SIN. And when we use that will the wrong way, and are unfaithful to Him, we are divorced. Lets look at the OT. (Jer.3: 8 and 14).

I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries.

God Himself, said He divorced Isreal. And this is not just separation or allowing them to leave, he gave them a certificate. However, if you do not consider this enough of a rationale then consider 1 Cor 7:10-11. What the above underlined tells me is that the teaching to avoid divorce is not set in stone.

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

The truth is that when we vow till death do us part, we also vow to be faithful, love and cherish. A lot of abusive spouses and Christians who insists an abused person must remain in a false marriage, seem to forget this. They encourage victims, who are mostly women, to be matyrs for Christ but forget that Jesus has already died that we may be saved.

Imagine that the victim stays in such a marriage till she dies at the hand of her husband. She may go straight to heaven for sticking to her vows, but the man is condemned to hell. How Christian is that?

Some 'no-divorce' proponents say that in marriage, the couple becomes one flesh and you can no longer tear apart what is one flesh. But Jesus said in the sermon on the mount (Matt 5) about adultery,

29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

This shows how much the Lord hates adultery. In this analogy, Jesus justifies it as a reason for one to "tear off what is one flesh". He calls it by name when He goes on to allow it as a condition for divorce in v32.

In my marrige, I would forgive like a good Christian if there is repentance. But will I blindly bear abuse, physical or emotional, for years? Especially when it has become an everyday affair? I will quote Paul in Romans 6:1,

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?

Finally, I want it to be clear that my stand does not mean I take marriage or divorce lightly. I consider divorce just one option out of many for healing a troubled marriage, and depending on the sanity of the couple, should be the very last option.

Below is what I would do personally, or what I will say to someone I know, Christain or not, in an abusive marriage. I define abusive as where violence, infidelity or emotional trauma is a regular, daily or weekly occurence and not just a one-off event.

Your life is precious - to you, to your loved ones, and to God. Please leave or ask your spouse to leave the home. Seek therapy and support for a period of time. If the abusive party genuinely repents, shown by consistent changed behavior and accepting regular counselling, forgive them and return to the marriage.

If they do not repent, or revert to abusive behavior, do not wait around, they are like the original unbeliever, and have left the marriage in spirit by breaking the core vows. 1Cor 7:15 says a Christian is not bound in such cases. Seek legal divorce with a clear conscience, and live your life to the full afterwards.

The Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria Controversy

2012-05-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

So I heard from Myne that the winner of the ‘Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria’ contest has been announced, but there’s some controversy surrounding the winner. It seems that some people are unhappy with the choice and feel that she’s not beautiful enough to deserve the title.

I’ll say that I’m not fussed one way or the other, though. In fact, I am unhappy with the whole MBGN contest idea. I always say of communities of people, “show me your reward system, and I’ll tell you the kind of community you are”.

So when a community pays so much attention to rewarding someone based on physical beauty, young people, especially – are going to get the message that spending lots of time on making yourself physically beautiful is their best bet.

I find it disappointing, because Nigeria really does not need more beautiful people right now. What the country needs are people who are intelligent; people who are creative; people who are entrepreneurs; people who show compassion towards others. At the end of the day though, I guess that the world is big enough for all kinds of contests to be held, and the MBGN organizers are doing their bit.

Still, I would not mind so much if I saw that there were contests held in Nigeria to reward the kind of people I have spoken of above. But I don’t hear that much of these kinds of contests; either they do not exist, or they do not have the same amount of money channelled towards them, and therefore the publicity is much more muted compared to the MBGN contest.

And yes, I know that these beauty contests aren’t supposed to be about beauty alone. The contestants are asked questions to assess their intelligence, too. But nobody is really fooled. The reason the contestants parade in their swimsuits is not because the judges want to assess their intelligence. And at the end of the day, a four-foot, 200 pound girl who has an IQ of 190 is NEVER going to win the Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria. (Hint: there’s the word ‘Beautiful’ in the contest name.)

In case I’m coming off sounding like a reactionary, I must make it clear that I’ve made my peace with these contests. I understand that people obviously like them, and that’s why they continue to hold. I’m just waiting for the day when I become a billionare; then I can spend my money promoting and organising my own kinds of contests – contests to celebrate people who make a real difference in the lives of others.

How many people are with me, or am I talking to aspiring beauty contestants?

As for those who are quarreling over who won, and who should have won, I’m surprised this kind of controversy doesn’t occur more frequently with beauty contests. They’re not like track and field contests where it’s very clear how to decide the winner. Instead, the decision rests with a group of judges who idea of beauty may go against what conventional wisdom holds.

By the way, what is the conventional wisdom on beauty? Height? A defined nose? A long neck? A clear complexion? What? Please I really need answers here from the connoisseurs. Myne surprised me by saying she liked the neck on the second runner up above, and that she should have won. Hmmm...

Back to the topic of selecting our beauty queens. I'll throw in an out-there idea. :)

Let the judging of the MBGN be open to a popular vote; let the people decide who is truly the most beautiful girl in Nigeria. That way, no matter the kind of girl that emerges as the winner, nobody can protest since the People Have Spoken. But I suspect this will never happen, because it’s way too much effort to organise a vote on this matter. So to all those still complaining, shhh...

___________

This piece was written by Atala yesterday. I still think the runner up should have won :)

Children's Book Week Giveaway - Celebrating Reading

2012-05-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

Established in 1919, Children's Book Week is the longest-running literacy initiative in the country. Each year, books for young people and the joy of reading are feted for a full week with author and illustrator appearances, storytelling, parties, and other book-related events at schools, libraries, bookstores, museums, and homes from coast to coast! Visit Book Week Online for more information.

This giveaway hop to celebrate and promote Children's Book Week is hosted by KidLitFrenzy, Classic Children's Books, Mymcbooks and I Am A Reader, Not A Writer. I will be giving away a paperback copy of Thomas Riley by Nick Valentino. The reading age is 13 and Up, and this giveaway is open to US residents only.

For more than twenty years West Canvia and Lemuria have battled one another in a constant war. From the safety of his laboratory, weapons designer Thomas Riley has cleverly and proudly empowered the West Canvian forces with his brilliant designs. But when a risky alchemy experiment goes horribly wrong, Thomas and his wily assistant, Cynthia Bassett, are thrust onto the front lines of battle. Forced into shaky alliances with murderous sky pirates in a deadly race to kidnap the only man who can undo the damagethe mad genius behind Lemuria's cunning armamentsThomas' own genius is put to the ultimate test.

To enter, fill in the rafflecopter form, (it may take a few seconds to load).

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Weekend Pictures - The Northwest Trek Wildlife Park

2012-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, hope your weekend has been going well? I am sharing some pictures today of a kind of Safari experience, right here in the USA. The NorthWest trek appealed to me because of the combination of a guided tour through a wildlife reserve and nature hiking.

Posing with the logo of the Park

The guided tour aspect involved riding a tram across the expanse where the wildlife roams freely, and we got to see bison, Roosevelt elk, moose, mountain goats and other native animals, up close in the wild.

After that, we trekked through the well marked trails in the park, a kind of self-guided zoo experience that included grizzly bears, wolves, mountain lions, beavers, wolverines and some birds like the owls and eagles in very natural looking exhibits. Enjoy.

Elk

Cougar

Fox

Snowy Owl

Fox

Wolverine

Billy Goat

Opposum

Otter

Bear

Badgers

Bald eagles

Barn Owls

A Lone Bison

The Horned Owls

Skunk

Moose

Deer

Elk

Diorama of a Wolf

Mountain Lion

Sheep

A herd of Bison

Yanni's Secret - Romance Meets Music

2012-05-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Yanni last week and came across this song which was used as a sound track in Serendipity - a romantic movie starring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. I love the song, and may just look for the movie. Has anyone seen it? What do you think?

The Purist and the Pragmatist - Atala Writes

2012-05-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

I am the Purist. I am the Pragmatist.

I am the Purist. I believe in the ideal. I believe in absolutes. I believe in rigour. I believe in order. I believe in discipline. I believe in principle.

I am the Pragmatist. I believe in the real. I believe in relatives. I believe in flexibility. I believe in spontaneity. I believe in passion. I believe in tolerance.

I am the Purist. I believe in black and white; good and evil; darkness and light. He who is not for me is against me, and he who is not against me is for me. In the fight for good, there can be no middle ground - that is for wafflers, equivocators and flip-floppers.

I am the Pragmatist. I believe in a continuum of shades of grey; what appears dark to one may appear light to another. My friend's enemy may be my enemy today for this cause, and my friend tomorrow for another cause. Life is too complex to be reduced to dichotomies.

I am the Purist. I believe in the adhering strictly to the rule of law to the letter. I do not believe in exceptions; to make excuses for breaking the law is to weaken the culture of being law-abiding. If a law is unfair, it should be changed, not broken.

I am the Pragmatist. I believe that laws are made for man, and not man for the law. I believe it is important to follow the spirit of the law, rather than the letter. I believe that it is acceptable to bend a law here or break a law there as long as it is done for the good of all.

I am the Purist. I believe in zero-tolerance of any form of corruption and crime, irrespective of where, when, why, how and by whom it is committed. Anything less is an encouragement to would-be criminals to go out and commit crime, and for established criminals to go on committing crime.

I am the Pragmatist. I believe that some progress in fighting corruption and crime is better than none. I believe that all that is needed is to catch and punish enough criminals to discourage the majority of other people from committing crimes - whether or not sacred cows are caught.

I am the Purist. I keep to my word, even if it costs me to do so - this is how to build trust. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. There is no ambiguity or room for misinterpretation in my statements. If I say that I will meet you at four o'clock, I will meet you at four o'clock. Anything else either signals disrespect or causes needless confusion.

I am the Pragmatist. If I can keep to my word I will - but I will not inconvenience myself to do so. When I talk, I am as clear as I believe I need to be - it is up to you to ensure you understand what I have said. It is more important for me to ensure I have a way of resolving ambiguity later on than to try and be clear upfront. If I tell you I will meet you at four o'clock, I may - or I may not - but even if I do not, we can work something else out.

I am the Purist. When people are striving to achieve a goal, there should just be one goal to achieve - and the standard for that goal should be high. This is so that when people achieve the goal, they know that they have achieved something worth achieving.

I am the Pragmatist. When people are striving to achieve a goal, there should be several goals with varying standards. This is to encourage those people to strive for the goals with lower standards - these people would otherwise be discouraged from striving for a single high standard goal.

I am the Purist. I believe in revolution. The old order must be swept completely away, and must be replaced with a brand new order with no links to the corrupt ways of the past.

I am the Pragmatist. I believe in gradual change. The old order must evolve into the new order to give people a chance to adjust to the new ways.

I am the Purist. I believe in meticulous and careful planning. I believe that all information that is needed should be gathered ahead of time; all details must be worked out ahead of implementation; and all possible things that could go wrong are dealt with so that nothing goes wrong.

I am the Pragmatist. I believe in fault tolerance - in accepting that things will go wrong and fixing them when they do, rather than trying to prevent them from going wrong. I believe in planning to a certain level, then having backup plans B, C and D in case the plan doesn't work.

I am the Purist. I believe in autocracy. The Right Way of doing things should not be compromised simply to satisfy the sentiments of people who are bent on doing things in the Wrong Way.

I am a Pragmatist. I believe in democracy. It is better to have the Right Way of doing things watered down in the process of carrying people along than not to have it done at all because people are opposed to it in its present form.

So - are you more of a Purist...

...or are you more of a Pragmatist?

The Secret Love Letter

2012-05-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

If you care to know, I fell in love at a very tender age of 8 and the subject of my love was no other than the handsome bespectacled class captain Joseph Obayanju. I was a shy child and so when I tripped and fell head over heels with Joseph there was little I could do. Being a child with lots of writing paper, a pen and a good grasp of the English Language I decided to put my heart on paper and damn the consequences.

You see, it was quite unusual at the time for an 8 year old girl to declare her love for an 8 year old boy. It was an even stranger thing to see for a girl of that age to be so sure that she had found the one who she wanted to share her life with. It was therefore with this fear that I picked my pen that beautiful Tuesday during the 2nd term holidays and wrote down my feelings for the man…boy I loved.

I started out by asking him how the holiday had been then plunged right in and told him I loved him. Now that I look back I do not know what I expected from Joseph. But at that time it made a lot of sense to me and because it made sense to write the letter, it also made sense to send the letter to him, so when school resumed for the third term I was armed with my new school bag, new books and the love letter burning a hole in my bag.

I carried it like a weight, with butterflies dancing in my little belly I approached the classroom. Joseph and I lived in the same neighborhood but I felt it only made sense to give him the letter in school.

I lost my nerve to give him the letter directly when I got to school that day, but I had a brilliant idea! I would slip the letter into his desk before morning assembly. When all the students had rushed off to the assembly ground I lingered behind and without further ado slipped the letter into Joseph’s desk, unsatisfied with the exposure I quickly put the letter in his school bag and hurried off to join my peers.

During assembly I was suddenly overcome by fear, “what if Joseph didn’t like me too?”
I became impatient, I couldn’t wait for the assembly to be over. In good time we filed back to our various classes in tune to the drums and the marching song which I cannot readily recall. Joseph got to class before me because being the tall gangly thing I was in primary school, I always got to stand at the end of the line. I need not tell you that Joseph was shorter than I.

When I got to the classroom, almost all the students were in class already, I quietly(I was a quiet child) went to my desk and sat down(at the back of the class). A few minutes later, Joseph approached me. My heart has never beat as fast as it did that day as I set eyes on his beloved face. But “uh oh” he looked upset. He came right to my desk and said “did you write this”? I looked at his hand and saw my letter. No words came out. I nodded shyly, not sure whether to be happy or sad. I didn’t have to wait long to find out what my reaction ought to be as the next words from his black beautiful lips was “I will tell Aunty Tee”.

Now the fear of Aunty Tee is the beginning of wisdom. She I dreaded. Our class teacher. Mean Woman. I was shaking like a leaf as I clasped my long fingers in a plea and begged Joseph to keep my secret and love for him to himself.

And he did.

___________

This was first published on Naijastories.com as The Curious Collections and Re-Call-Ections of Miss Bon LP by Emily Onikaba. And you can read the interesting comments there. If you love the work of the writers, support us by buying the first Anthology.

Naijastories.com is the leading community for Nigerian writers and book lovers, combining elements of a writing critique website and a social networking site. Of Tears and Kisses, Heroes and Villains is Volume 1 of the 'Best of NaijaStories' series. The 30 stories featured in this anthology were all originally published on this website between March 2010 and March 2011.

Read on NAIJASTORIES.COM - 200 NSpoints per story

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My Addendum to Grandma's Love and Sex Tips

2012-05-03T11:31:00.002-07:00

Some of you may already have seen this. It was first published by Nerve.com last month and picked up yesterday by Huffington Post after going viral on the interwebs. I have to say that for Grandma, with age came wisdom. Read my notes in bold italics, and let's discuss.

Image Source - Nerve.com

1. To know if you are both in love, you feel a "connection" in bed. If you feel ALONE in bed when having sex, you are with the wrong man. This is CRITICAL! The connection of mind, body, soul!
- Is Grandma saying what I am thinking?!

2. There is real love that everyone wants but it does not happen to everyone - it is called "soul-mates," spiritual, supernatural. This is the highest form of love - it is a religious feeling. You have found God. You know instantly, "love at first sight." You know he was meant for you and he is your real husband, and he knows you are his wife-to-be.
- Amen. Preach it, Sister!

3. When having sex and the female does not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the female gets on top of the man. It always works, the female has a climax and enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex on you, enjoy it!
- LOL...Probably different for everyone. Did Grandma every try it from the back? Ahem!

4. Always make sure the man's penis is CLEAN. Make sure he washes it with soap and water before coming to bed.
- It certainly makes things easier if a BJ is on the agenda. But yeah, a man who is generally clean and knows when to take a bath is highly desired.

5. Many men are PIGS. They want sex every day! You are not obligated to say "yes" to please him if you do not feel up to it. You never do anything unless you want to. To pacify the pig, give him manual stimulation!
- Haba, Madam! Some of us women can be pigs too. Who no like better thing? But sha, a couple should always seek to satisfy each other, consensually, either with sex or affection.

6. Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get diseases, especially if after anal, he goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men love it. Don't swallow his SEMEN! You can get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no symptoms and can leave you sterile. You both would need antibiotics!
- Mama is beginning to show her age here, some girls do love to swallow. Still, health and safety are very important where sex is concerned.

7. Some men are pre-mature ejaculators; that is very frustrating and bad for the female. He needs help to learn to control himself until the female is ready.
- Yes o, sex toys can come in handy here. Like a cock ring, and and...

8. There should be foreplay to get the girl ready. As you get older, more experienced, you can skip all that and it is over in 7 minutes.
- This happens also as your bodies become more in tune with each other. As you have more sex together, it gets easier and anticipation makes it more pleasureable quicker. But sha I want longer than 7minute sex, maybe until I'm as old as Grandma :)

9. Perhaps you already know all these hints. I hope you find it helpful; I love you and do not want you to make a mistake. Never marry someone and say "Well, I can always get a divorce if I'm not happy." When there are children, you are never divorced. The ex-husband will be in your life forever, so make sure you marry the right guy.
- I agree with the underlined, but if things change as the marriage progresses and your life is threatened, don't be afraid to cut your losses and save you and your children from a lifetime of unhappiness or worse, lose your life.

10. Make sure you never marry an abusive control freak. When a man loves you, there is respect. He will be proud of you and your achievements - not jealous and needing to know your every move, or keeping you away from family and friends. Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage.
- I wouldn't hold the family he comes from against him, but do ensure that your man is all the other things. And yes, he need to respect who you are too.

11. Never, never tell a boyfriend if you have any savings, inheritance-to-be or your salary when you graduate. Some men look for a woman with money. I do not respect such men! If he has credit card debt, DUMP him immediately! You only discuss finances with the man you want to marry.
- True Word! And I emphasize openness in a committed relationship.

12. Should you date a man who is stingy, dollar conscious, and you love to spend money, the relationship will never work unless you are a thrifty person yourself, then you can put up with him.
- This is where like-for-like is imperative, nothing like opposites attract where spending is concerned, especially as you build your home and start a family together.

13. When dating a new man, do not feel obligated to have sex with him because he bought you dinner. To avoid this, pay for your own dinner. You are getting to know each other. You are not a homeless person who needs a meal.
- Gbam! Nothing more to add here.

14. Be happy, be with someone whose company you enjoy and you can't live without, and respect him. Watch out for womanizers, drunks!
- Especially if you don't drink and expect fidelity. Watch out o, a leopard rarely changes his spots.

15. You can make sure you know a man well by dating him on weekends and vacations. If he's unsure about committing, DUMP him. No excuses.
- Beyonce sang, Put a ring on it! But even before then, make sure your man is committed to you/ your relationship. Define it or move on.

16. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. There should be love, respect, admiration, trust, and a mental and physical connection. If you find "true love," you will live happily every after. That is true.
- Happily-ever-After is possible. Period!

Source

So what do you think Grandma missed out, or should not have added?

Love Perseveres, It is People Who Change

2012-05-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

This short piece was submitted by a writer I work with, and is an inspirational article on dealing with break-ups and heart break. I hope you like it, and please do leave a comment.

Meeting someone new is quite easy; it is forgetting the old person that is the hard part. Not many people have the strength to do that, while in other cases, the will is clearly non-existent. Some find it incredibly difficult to agree that it really is over. No one ever thinks it’s going to end, but it does, and more often than not. I mean, the reality is glaring yet they hold on to a long faded idea.

The biggest delusion in relationships most times is, believing that if it isn’t with that one person then it cannot work with another. I am of the opinion that love happens per chance per time. There is not that one person that God made and said that this must be your partner. God doesn’t make husbands and wives, he makes men and women. Whomever we choose to love or fall in love with is purely a matter of choice.

However, this truth is really difficult to convey, much harder to absorb; yet it has to be done. Love is a matter of choice, that truth can’t be emphasized enough. Your happiness is not tied to anybody, but you should cherish and make the best of every moment you spend with whomever you decide to love, whether it lasts forever, ten years or even a moment.

This is not to make you excessively sceptical or hugely insensitive, no; the idea is to prepare you appropriately for outcomes contrary to your expectations. What we must hold to be the ultimate truth though is, Love perseveres, it is people who change.

So, if someone breaks your heart, or has broken your heart, see past your pain, see your power to choose whether to stay languishing in grief while they move on with their lives, or to move on with yours and become a stronger and better person. Do not let huge clouds of loneliness and grief hang over you; otherwise you’ll have a massive downpour of depression.

Things don’t happen justly, they just happen. When comfort deepens, darkness flees. Let these words comfort you. Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest.

Seek to live fully, nostalgia is for the old.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Iweka Kingsley is a Freelance Writer and PR & Media Consultant. He is the Assistant Editor of www.lowladee.com and on the Editorial Team of www.naijastories.com. You can follow Iweka on Twitter @IwekaKingsley.

Choose - Happiness, Money, Love, Health or Fame

2012-05-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

So I saw this picture on Facebook and decided to share here. It asks, how would you rank happiness, money, love, health and fame in your life? Seems pretty simple, right?

I chose health, happiness, love, money, fame. But it wasn't an easy choice, and I'm still not sure I shouldn't re-arrange. I thought to put love first, but I am a fan of happy ever afters, and that's not possible without health. And surely that also means happiness must be present to feed the love?

Anyway, the picture got as many different itirations as the number of comments I got on the status update. Most people put fame last, except one friend who put fame before money. Another peace first.

What about you? How do you choose, and do you think something is missing?

Do you Call Him Boo or Baby in Public?

2012-05-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

Or do you only call them the pet names in private?

I ask because most people usually have a personal name they call their partners, those sweet, romantic names like boo, baby, sweetie, honeypie, sugar, daddy, mummy, etc. These endearments are used most often in private, and sometimes there are those deeper ones one uses only during tender, intimate moments, like ahem, ahem :)

But what if one gets so used to using those names that it comes out in public? I have found myself in that situation a few times,but it was OK because it was just one or two close friends around. In a real crowd, I'm usually more self aware when it comes to calling Atala's name.

Some ladies it seems, deliberately use the pet names for their partners. And I don't mean boo, sweetie or honey, I heard a lady repeatedly calling the guy she was with a name I can't even write here. It was sweet but it was also a bit uncomfortable, lol.

What about you guys? Will you call your boo names like H*t R*d when others are around?

Spring Fling Giveaway Hop - International

2012-04-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, and welcome to the Spring Fling hop hosted by I Am A Reader, Not A Writer and Eve's Fan Garden. I am an author of romance novels and I will be giving away to the lucky winner, an eBook of my first novel, A Heart to Mend. The synopsis of AHTM...

Gladys moves to live with an estranged aunt in Lagos and to continue her search for a job. Before long she lands the job of her dreams with the foremost oil company in the city and makes several new friends. She also gradually resolves the mystery of why her aunt previously cut all ties with their family. But the best part about her new life is meeting Edward Bestman.

To enter, use the Rafflecopter Form below. Good luck.

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You can check out other blogs taking part in the hop below.

The Royal Wedding - One Year Anniversary

2012-04-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Who remembers today one year ago? Everyone, or at least some of us, were glued to the TV set watching either the full wedding ceremony, or later clips of it. I even remember that Ms.Buki (BTW, where is she?) wore a hat for the occasion. In her Royal Wedding post, she confessed that she and her friends dressed up, and she couldn't resist topping off her outfit with the Queen's trademark :)

I personally was cheesing seriously when I saw the clip below in the videos. Well, more love to them. See you guys tomorrow with a proper post. Meanwhile enjoy the pictures.

Images Source

Obama at the White House Correspondent's Dinner

2012-04-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

The White House Correspondents Dinner is a light-hearted congregation of journalists, politicians, celebrities, the United States President and other White House people. The President pokes fun at everyone, and the chosen comedian pokes fun at the audience, the President included. Jimmy Kimmel started with a joke about Obama's ears...

Obama winks at a joke about where he was born :)

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Renew Marriage Vows

2012-04-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Four years and twin babies later, they say "I do". Again. Now I can't forget the other couple that also had the culture of publicly renewing their vows - most of us regular folks jejely do it in our living rooms or bedrooms - annually, but I do like Mariah Carey's songs and Nick Cannon on AGT (he does get annoying sometimes) and wish them the best of love and marriage.

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you ever saw? Eiffel Tower, Paris, here I come...LOL... Enjoy some more pictures below, and do have a lovely, if possible romantic, weekend. Mwah!

Source - Iamnotobsessed.com

Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

MI's Loving Me - Romance Meets Music

2012-04-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of rap music but a rap track will often get to me depending on the method of delivery, the music behind the rap as well as the hook, usually a sang chorus. All three come together in MI’s “Loving Me” which is from his new album, Illegal Music 2.

The video for Loving Me was released recently, and tells the story of a young girl who gets tired of an abusive and messed up relationship and decides to love herself. Enjoy.

Jesus of Sports Hall by Lulufa Vongtau

2012-04-27T07:15:00.002-07:00

The tragicomedies of living in Sports Hall still haunt me. The male Sports Hall, sited at the very gates of the Sports complex, was originally home to the Defense Academy’s sportsmen. It had however degenerated into a den of the worst blackguards to be found anywhere in the city of Kaduna; blackguards who gave new interpretations to all laws pertaining to survival. It was in this sad state of affairs that my friend Zang thrived.

Zang was what is called in literature, a proper caution; one that looked narrowly upon any laws not created by himself and sometimes, depending on convenience, even upon his own. I still wonder how Zang, the last person you would consider given to sportsmanship ever, came to roost in Sports Hall, but that is another story.

Zang was known by the colorful appellation ‘Jesus of Sports Hall’, but as he was neither skilled in the intricacies of religion nor did he wear a halo, even the least curious mind would have been tempted to find out the origin of this nickname. And I used to be a curious mind in my youth. In Matthew’s gospel, verses fifteen through to twenty-one of the fourteenth chapter, the Lord Jesus fed five thousand men, women, and children with five loaves and two fishes; a miracle Zang was destined to re-enact.

On this fateful day, as is customary for the purse of a cadet without the advantage of wealthy parents, he was down to his last fifty kobo note. Fifty kobo was, in those days before the oil doom, approximately equal to fifty cents, and all hopes of replenishment in a week were, to say the obvious, altogether improbable. Zang called upon his five roommates, who were in the same state of financial lack, and bade them accompany him to the buttery; the home of heavenly, stomach-stirring scents. He had a plan.

“What can you buy with a measly fifty kobo?” one of them, an unbeliever asked.

“Follow me, O you of little faith,” Zang replied mysteriously, preaching a gospel of a full stomach to his mixed multitude, who risked no original remarks.

Of the nine or so butteries on campus, the Sports Hall buttery was a phenomenon unequalled. It was a kiosk with a high counter, behind which a vendor, usually a girl from the suburbs, sat. Before her on the counter were loaves of bread, fried fish, moi-moi and other delicacies, while behind her on the shelves were the more expensive items; canned milk, sugar cubes, canned sardines and the like. Apparently, Zang had kept an eye on the goings-on at the buttery and had noticed a change in its administration.

A few minutes later Zang confronted the new salesgirl, a naïve and trusting soul clearly unschooled in the intricate rules governing conventional conduct in Sports Hall. He looked sincere, with all the airs of a serious prospective customer.

“How much is that?” he asked, pointing to a shelf.

Following his finger, the salesgirl looked behind her, shifting her attention from the high counter. With the speed of a cheetah, he picked two loaves off the counter and dropped them to his feet. His aides-de-camp swung into action, careful enough to be discreet.

“The big bottle of orange juice?” she asked, oblivious.

“No, the packet of cabin biscuits.” Three wraps of moi-moi were translocated.

“Four naira.”

“I can get it for three in Angola buttery.” Two pieces of fried fish disappeared.

“Pay three fifty,” she said, her back still to him.

“How about the macaroni? How much is that?”

“Two fifty.”

“Why are your items so dear? Is your uncle planning to buy a new car?”

The poor girl did not notice all the subversive activity going on behind her back while she craned her neck to call out the prices. Finally, disgusted with him for carrying on and on, she turned abruptly to find Zang in the process of lifting a packet of cigarettes. Smoothly, before she could comment, he removed two sticks, paid for them and carried on to join his accomplices. With a fifty kobo note, Zang did feed six adults; thus his name and regrettably, his reputation.

So, imagine my consternation when a few weeks ago, twenty years after I last saw Zang, he was named among our new supposedly incorruptible ministers. I hear they still call him Jesus.
_________

This was first published on Naijastories.com as Jesus of Sports Hall by Lulu. And was selected for the first anthology. If you love the work of the writers, support us by buying the book.

Naijastories.com is the leading community for Nigerian writers and book lovers, combining elements of a writing critique website and a social networking site. Of Tears and Kisses, Heroes and Villains is Volume 1 of the 'Best of NaijaStories' series. The 30 stories featured in this anthology were all originally published on this website between March 2010 and March 2011.

Read on NAIJASTORIES.COM - 200 NSpoints per story

Buy Paperback from the NaijaStories Createspace Store

Buy in Kindle format and Print from Amazon.com

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Buy the eBook from Smashwords.com

____
**If you live in Nigeria and want the book delivered in PDF to your inbox, please contact admin@naijastories.com for payment details (via Zenith Bank and GTBank).

Abstinence for the Mature Singles

2012-04-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

I decided to share this post in the light of this recent post. I believe that if a mature single wants to practice abstinence from sex, it is important to make it a personal decision. Be sure it's not because you're scared of sex, or you feel pressured by society or some particular people to suppress your emotions. Stop looking for passages or verses in the bible to back you up. Don't depend on your pastor to prop you up because God forbid, he/she could be the one you'll be getting down with the next day. Pastors aren't angels or saints.

Part of knowing yourself as a mature single is knowing where you personally stand with sex. Let your reason and unbiased thinking guide you to make a personal decision. That decision could be to abstain completely, and that is fine. That decision could also be kiss, cuddle, or even have sex, and that is OK too. Yes, I mean it. Sex can be beautiful, and it is a natural part of life.

I think the biggest guilt trip for singles isn't that they have sex, but that they think they have failed someone else - Parents, Friends, Society, Culture, etc... rarely themselves. I think this misses the mark because the most important person here is you. There is nothing to be afraid of and you're not dirty if you engage in planned, protected and most important, loving sex, as long as it is what you choose to do. Sex is not taboo, and it is imperative as a adult to root out that mindset.

I've said it here before that I think young women over 25, who have graduated from University should own their sexuality. These are women, mature enough to take care of themselves, who have jobs, and who are independent and emotionally in a place to deal with sex. I am by no means promoting promiscuity but I do support a young lady's choice to express her love for a man with whom she has a serious and exclusive, dedicated relationship.

I'm not underestimating the emotional, physical, or spiritual impact of sex. However, with maturity comes responsibility. As you learn to deal with colleagues, road rage and vehicle licensing, learn also who you are when it comes to sex. I believe getting the issue out of the way helps a woman build the confidence required to navigate mature relationships with men, including Future Husband (FH) without sounding like she wants to engage in a trade by barter - my hymen for a gold ring - going, going, gone! And to be clear, no one SHOULD HAVE TO kiss, cuddle, or have sex with anyone if they don't want to.

Examine yourself, bearing in mind that sex is something to be enjoyed, and not a duty to your husband, parents, inlaws, pastors or country. Your body belongs to you and you don't have to grin and bear sex, you have to own it. Quit the victim/martyr mentality and take charge. A lot of us grow up fearing sex, either due to false education from parents, or religious indoctrination. Well, you're an adult now. Before it is too late, FACE YOUR FEARS AND CONQUER THEM.

There are various ways to negotiate sex, and you need to have the conversation as early as is necessary - like when starting a friendship, or when your romantic relationship is being defined. During this heart-to-heart with your partner, you can both agree to abstain, compromise on a limit (first base, second, third, etc), or decide to go the whole way.

Choosing one or the other does not make you a saint or a slut, as long as it is your personal decision. If you ever feel forced or coerced at any stage, BEWARE. Remember too, to take care of yourself, and discuss the following with your exclusive partner - health and safety, birth control, your likes and dislikes, etc.

It is great if you can maintain virginity to marriage, but do not come ignorant, or with low self esteem or worse, misplaced virtuous pride. What is more likely to lead to discord in marriage isn't a lady's virginity or otherwise, but the emotional and physical relationship she is able to build with her husband after the wedding/honeymoon is done and forgotten.

And again, it boils down to is communication. What are your communication skills? What do you talk about with people you date? Can you agree to disagree with maturity?

Sex is one of the biggest issues between couples. It can be your strongest bond, or it can be your weakest link. It matters little how good or bad someone is in bed - these things are relative anyway - more important is that a couple can agree on the when, how, why, if and where to do it. And like in most marital issues, it is better if you can start the conversation before the marriage.

Some people prefer to wait for the pastor to moderate premarital counselling for them, that is also OK. However, if you're private and independent, you may wish to avoid the chances of your topic being used for next church sermon. I believe that being able to handle issues without a third-party builds trust and respect between a couple, both before and after marriage. So do talk about sex, have sex if you want to, just take it for what it is, a natural, physical expression of desire and love between two consenting adults.

There are of course no hard and fast rules about relationships, this is simply a personal opinion.

Fairytale Giveaway Hop - The Other Slipper

2012-04-25T20:07:00.002-07:00

This hop is hosted by I Am A Reader, Not A Writer and features YA Books with a fairy tale theme, or fairy tale retellings. And so I present to you, The Other Slipper by Kenechi Udogu. One random winner will receive an ebook copy by answering the question at the end of the post.

AND THE WINNER IS TecknicoleurGrl

The Other Slipper is a twist on the Cinderella story, it is not really a retelling, rather it weaves another story thread and new characters into the fairy tale. Jo is a teenager who is present at the dinner where Cinderella meets the prince. Things take a magical spin when Jo stumbles onto Cinderella's glass slipper and has to return it, leading to a journey of adventure and self discovery. The author tells it better...

1. Tell me more about the book, and what inspired you to write it.

I’ve always liked the idea of reworked fairytales, folklore or myths where back stories are explored. We get so used to hearing the versions we were brought up with that all it takes is a slightly different perspective to turn a story into a completely different animal and give readers something else to cherish. The idea for The Other Slipper came to me a few years ago when I was heading home from work and misread a sign for a café called “The Other Side” for “The Other Slipper”.

What happened to the other slipper on the night of the ball Cinderella attended? Did someone else find it and keep it or did it never get mentioned after the ball? I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head and even though I did some research and discovered what the true story was, the idea had stuck.

The Other Slipper is an adventure story based on the idea that Cinderella’s glass slippers were part of a separate enchantment. A young palace worker, Jo, finds the other slipper on the night of the ball and realises that something isn’t right with it. She soon gets drawn into an unexpected quest to unite the slippers and return them to their rightful owner. You’ll have to read the book to find out what happens to her. I really enjoyed writing the story and I hope readers enjoy the experience as much as I did.

2. Please share a brief interview between you and your favorite character in the book.

Kenechi: Ehem, good evening sir, you appear to have been travelling a long way with your two companions. May I ask your relationship with them?
Locke: I’m sorry, I’m not at liberty to share that information.
Kenechi: Why? Are you on some kind of secret mission?
Locke: Ha! That’s not a very bright question, is it? If I was, would I tell you? Ha, ha.
Kenechi: Eh, no. I guess not. But ever since you three came into town, we’ve noticed that things haven’t been quite the same. It feels like energy is being drained from everyone – people, livestock – the horses are particularly restless. Surely this can’t be a coincidence.
Locke: Are you accusing us of some form of sorcery? I’d heard you people were superstitious but if this is the way you treat strangers in your town. Jo, Ron, I think we’ve overstayed our welcome here.
Kenechi: But sir…
(Sound of chairs scrapping on stone floors, feet shuffling away, then silence)

3. Spotlight your overall favorite fairy tale character and why?

I’m not sure I have a favourite fairytale character but I have a soft spot for the three goats in Three Billy Goats Gruff. They were cunning, resourceful and funny at the same time (the version I heard as a child was on a sing-along LP so this might have something to do with it). But ask me this question next year and I’ll probably have a different answer. My “favourites” tend to change over time.

Where can readers find you and your books?

Blog – http://caeblogs.wordpress.com/

Goodreads - http://www.goodreads.com/trixycae

Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/KenechiUdogu

Buying links - Amazon US, Amazon UK, Smashwords, Barnesandnoble, Apple iTunes, Sony ebookstore, and Kobobooks

To be eligible to win this book, state your favorite fairy tale hero in the comments and the book where they appear.

Below are other blogs taking part in this giveaway hop. Good luck!

How I almost fell for a GTBank Email Scam

2012-04-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

If anyone had asked me about my vulnerability to bank email scams two weeks ago when I received and trashed a GTBank Scam Alert email, I would have scored it zero. When it comes to phishing scams where you are supposed to go somewhere and fill in your details, I considered myself sophisticated and above all that. I used to think, I've been doing this internet thing for ten years now, they can't get me.

Well last weekend, they almost did. I had recently opened a GTBank Non-Resident account which I could use from here through internet banking and had little complaints. Funny enough, I had mentioned to Atala that I felt they were too security conscious. Logging into my account online was like going down to the bank vault, there were so many locks and bolts, pincodes, passwords, secret questions, tokens, etc...it took almost 5mins and compared to the one-minute transaction on my account here, I was chaffing.

So you can understand why when two weeks ago or so, I recieved a scam alert email from GTBank that read something like the one below, I moved the email to trash immediately, thinking to myself, these people have come again.

Our attention has been drawn to mails being sent out by fraudsters, requesting for such sensitive information as Internet Banking Account and ATM Card Details. Some of these mails also request that customers update their account records by clicking on links to fake Internet banking and Interswitch websites. You are hereby advised to ignore these mails and Do Not respond to them; as such mails were not initiated by Guaranty Trust Bank plc or Interswitch.

I was to rue my blase attitude mere days later. Now, let me give you some background. I have a couple of emails for personal use, one I use solely for official purposes and the other for more personal stuff (this-and-that). I am sure you can guess I opened the account with the official one. Well, since I opened the account my this-and-that email has been flooded by GTBank related phishing emails. Unfortunately for the senders, Gmail shunts them immediately to the Spam folder, from where I send them to the hell where failed scam go.

So how come I was almost duped?

Good question.

What happened this time was that the scam email was sent to my 'official' email address. Not only that, it was sitting pretty right there in my inbox. Add to that, it appeared to come from GTBank, and not with the same ruse as the ones I had previously received. And their tactic played into my fears. Instead of simply asking that I verify my account by clicking a link, it said my account had been suspended.

Dear Valued Customer,

We regret to inform you that access to your GTBank Online Account and Atm Card has been temporarily limited due to several failed log-in attempts. To restore your account please log in correctly by downloading and Filling the Customer Security Update form attached to this message. After downloading follow the directions for instant activation of your account and Security information. NOTE: FAILURE CAN RESULT TO PERMANENT ACCOUNT SUSPENSION.

Security Advisor
Guaranty Trust Bank © 2012.

There was no frills and thrills so my mind thought, this must be real. Since I hadn't used my account in a few days, I was wondering, who could have tried to access my account? They must have been the scammers I had been warned about. I told myself I had to act quickly.

I downloaded the form, and clicked it open to fill it in with my details.

That was when reality hit me. I felt like someone poured cold water on me. At that moment, I could guess how people felt who had been duped - my cousin rushed home from the market, took all the money at home and handed it over to some stranger. It only dawned on her while she was recounting this amazing opportunity to another person that she had been duped.

For me, those few minutes it took to read that email and download the document, it was like I had a veil over my eyes. Opening the document stripped it off. With BELLS. Reason being;

1. It was an online form - but with file///
2. It was asking for everything - in addition to bank details, it wanted my phone number, email address and email password

As the alarm bells clanged in my head, I took a deep breath and let it out. Leaving this document open, I went back to the email and expanded the details of who it had come from. What do you know, that GTBank front name belonged to email address gholmes@howard.edu

I laughed at myself and shook my head saying to myself, "Myne, no one is above phishing scams, be careful." This is to you guys out there. Always check out where your emails are coming from, and in the words of the GTBank Scam Alert email;

Please note that your Internet banking account, your ATM Card details and PINs are confidential to you and must not be disclosed to anyone. Guaranty Trust Bank plc and Interswitch Nig. Ltd will never request for your ATM card details or your PINs.

I almost didn't share this post cos I felt so stupid, but Atala changed my mind. Has anyone else been in the same boat with me? I do hope no one has been duped for real but if you have please share so we can all keep learning. Have a great week and thanks so much for the comments yesterday. I will keep you updated.

Dear Myne - It is Difficult have Sex with my Husband!

2012-04-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hi Myne, I will really appreciate your help and that of your readers who I believe are very mature and experienced, and they are respectable too. The last is the reason I have the boldness to share this very sensitive issue with them, yes, please...I want this to be published on your blog in addition to your response too. I am at a crossroads and I am about to lose my mind.

I've been married for going a year now and yet I have not been able to have full relations with my husband. And before anyone goes off on the wrong bend, it is not a fault of my husband... he is willing, able and ready. Can I say the fault is mine? I don't know. I am in my twenties and I was a virgin when I got married to this guy that I really love...I am a Christian and had stuck to no sex (or anything) before marriage as I believed that saving myself for marriage was the better way.

My then fiancee, now husband agreed with me, he was a member in the church youth group and that was where we met...we courted for about a year before our wedding and both looked forward to having fun on our wedding night. It's now like we were both mistaken, and plain unrealistic. I don't want to blame our religion for this, but after almost a year, it is hard not to!

I recall when we went for pre-marriage counselling, the pastor just briefed over sex and just said we need to be on the same page. Since this issue started, I have only spoken to one married woman I admire in our church, and she couldn't even look at me as she mumbled that I should simply relax, and maybe I should make sure the lights are off.

It's also really hard for me when my friends and family ask when we intend to start a family, or close girlfriends tease me how as newlyweds we would be all over each other all the time, you know what I mean...I just want to cry because how can I tell then that we could not even do it. I just feel so alone, I could not even tell my two best friends.

Maybe I should explain what my problem is. I'm sorry Myne, I hope this is OK to put on your blog. Put simply, my legs just keep closing, and the main part, my husband joked that it is padlocked. (I'm really lucky in this man, but I fear he will get tired of me one day.) He jokes about it, and even when I laugh, I don't find it really funny. During our honeymoon, we tried so many times in the first few days but by the end of the week I was just too sore so we stopped. Till today, my husband has not been able to enter me at all. I think part of the problem is that I'm so nervous from all the stories of pain I've always heard about the first time.

To combat this nervousness, what have we not tried? We attempt about once a week because I'm just so nervous and somedays my husband is too tired to even put in the effort to seduce me. But when we do try, we have used different kinds of lubricants and pain killers. One day, my husband even sneaked local ogogoro for me and got me drunk good and proper. That didn't help...my husband said, I kept begging him not to do it and then cried myself to sleep afterwards.

Myne, I'm crying again now. What am I going to do, some of my friends that we all got married at the same time are already pregnant and I want some children of my own too! Again, I thank God that my husband is so patient and loves me as I am...he says we will pray and work it out together...that God that asked us to be virgins will see us through...but I'm beginning to get impatient and scared too. For how long do I expect him to be patient? And this is not fair to him at all. This is not what he signed up for, I know that.

I was so frustrated at a point that I told him that he could just annul our marriage or even find a girlfriend...oh yes I was at the end of my tether then! He said he never would cheat on me and that I should not mention it again...but that day was after another failed attempt and I just fell like I have lost all hope. You must understand that this is very frustrating because it's like I've waited all of my life to have sex and now that I am married I can't do it. I just feel like all my waiting has been all for nothing. Sorry, I'm rambling on but I just feel like I have no one else I can trust to talk to about this...I'm too ashamed to tell friends and family.

I have gone online to seek answers and have bought some books on Christain intimacy and yet, this problem remains. I heard of vaginismus and what are called spacers but I can't get those from here in Nigeria. And they sound so unchristian, how can I be putting something else down there? I don't even use tampons! This is so embarrassing but I just hope that someone reading has some practical advice. Thank you so much!

______

Well, here we are. I was thinking I would never get any more Dear Myne emails and then this one came in. I did a quick search and it seems this scenario is not so uncommon. I am really looking forward to hearing from you guys on how to save this loving marriage.

Minku Designs Marks Anniversary with Giveaway

2012-04-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Minku is a leather goods company started last year by Nigerian designer Kunmi Otitoju. They are based in Barcelona, Spain, and with a branch in Lagos Nigeria. They design and hand-make leather goods that inject fun and uniqueness into everyday life. For more information about products and updates on their new collections, please visit their website.

To celebrate their first Anniversary, Minku Leather Goods is sharing this opportunity for readers to win the amazing product in the picture above from the new Minku collection which will be showcased on their website from April 25. Click to read full details...

To enter for the Minku giveaway , all you need to do is:

- like the Minku Facebook page,

- subscribe to the blog

- You can do both to double your chances of winning.

A random selection will be made on the April 25, 2012 to determine the winners, who they would contact and send their leather product to. Good luck!