Mysterwright 2.0

Why I've Been Away.

2011-03-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

Someone pulled a knife in my apartment. Which is true, except it was a "nameless not-so-innocent" whom was momentarily more upset at someone other than me or my Mom. Apparently someone bellyached to this person about what I've been posting online. Now this person already hates the internet because, and this was news to me, others were basically being jerks by humiliating them and crap. So the jerks of both genders run and hide leaving me to hear about it. All of it. If I find out who they are, know there are alot of people older then both you or I still looking to even out their having owed my dad or mom one. Especially on my behalf. :D *shivers* I don't have to do shit except blink innocently and lean back so as not to get in their way. I mean I'm not completely counting on that to happen. There's no reason to stir up controversy first before I even have a chance to, bullshit aside. Then, in all sarcasm, to vindicate your own crap by using me as an innocent scapegoat.

Music video for "Ready Or Not" by The Fugees.
From Grammy-winning album "The Score" (1996.)

Video and music courtesy of Ruffhouse Records
and Columbia Records. All rights reserved.

I have every right to feel, say, do what I want without fear of being persecuted. Or being jealous of. How immature is that for you to act like? Grow the fuck up! I've earned the right to sit on my ass if I want. I've done shit that most people wouldn't dream of both in person and online simply because I wanted something and I asked for it. Politely. *Beavis slaps dark clouds away.* Sadistic people at retirement homes get paid hundreds to do what caregiving I do for my Mom for free. She's not Britney Spears. People forget I saw the depths of conservatorship already and greedheads neurotically divvying up valuables. Or maybe they weren't told at all that I've seen it because the people putting them up to this bullying got their asses royally handed to them? The reality is that some refuse listening to nobody, including hearing out those that have chosen to redeem themselves, and are now on a fast track to ruin. Scoff if they will but its not the first time some thought themselves superior than me and knowingly suffered for it.

Face to face: a true reminder of where ol' Bats came from.

Batman and The Spirit from Batman/The Spirit #1 (2007.)
Image courtesy of DC Comics. All rights reserved.

I forgot to post yesterday.

2011-02-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I fully intended to post yesterday but this last week has been hectic. First last Saturday was my birthday. I told you about that. Then there was Valentine's Day. That was good but relatively uneventful. Except for the flirting with girls part. Always some fun there. Wink, wink. Then on Tuesday I forget what happened. Wednesday is kind of a blur too. Probably just paid bills and watched some new episodes of shows I like. Thursday I burned my tongue on some hot, hot soup. There's a restaurant I go to with my Mom in Vacaville that makes great Chinese food. Now, nine out of ten times the ladies work there remind customers that the soup is really hot but when you're in the midst of conversation like I was with my Uncle, you tend to not pay attention if they did or not that tenth time. The old lady just kinda made a grunt of some sort. So down went the soup and up came some nasty little blisters currently resting on my tastebuds. Damn you illuminazis in back corner alleys trying to ruin my pushing the conversational envelope! Let those housepets go! It probably would've hurt more had I not just shared three pitchers of beer at the bar next door. Mmmm, Guinness.

So now I'm stuck sounding vaguely like I got a lisp unintentionally but haven't let that stop me. I'll be out the door soon embracing that cold, cold wind outside. Yesterday it was freezing so bad I swear it was raining square icecubes. In California! Hail be damned.

Its so cold, Michael Jackson woke from the dead. He even asked for Blanket.

Craig Robinson and John Cusack in Hot Tub Time Machine (2010.)
Image courtesy of:
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
United Artists.
New Crime Productions.
All rights reserved.

Attempting to Stay Focused

2011-02-18T04:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever zoned out and wonder where the time went? I mean one day its Monday night and you're like hey cool, the rest of the week is a cakewalk. Then its midnight on Friday and you're like holy shit, what the hell did I even do all week? Regardless, that's how I am. Time just flies by for me. I mean I look at it now and its been years since I moved from Vacaville. Fuck moving from Davis, that was almost a decade ago.
Anyways, since I don't have much to post tonight I'll just make this quick:

Yada, yada, yada where did the time go?

Journey performing Stone In Love live in 1981. Song courtesy of Columbia records.
All rights reserved.

I'm tired and don't have anything to say. I shouldn't wait so late to post these. I'm such a slacker. Ahhhhh!

Time is of the excellence.

Movie poster for Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989.)
Image courtesy of:
De Laurentiis Entertainment Group (DEG.)
De Laurentiis Film Partners.
Interscope Communications.
Nelson Entertainment.
Soisson/Murphey Productions.
Orion Pictures Corporation.
All rights reserved.

Nothing to Post...

2011-02-17T03:51:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and want to go to bed. I can't seem to though because I'm wide awake. In part because my comforter is too heavy and it makes me sweat. The other half of me is anticipating something. Something big. Like phenomenal even. Dare I say I don't know what it is. Yet. All I do know is that one way or another, either socially or in business I've paid my dues. Its my pleasure to make everyone happy! That's just the kinda guy I am.

There's a reason this guy hangs with a dude named Goose.

Tom Cruise as "Maverick" in Top Gun (1986.)
Image courtesy of Paramount Pictures.
All rights reserved.

Before I head off to slumberland I just want everyone rooting for me on both sides to know that I'm here for you and that I love you. I'll always be around. Anytime you need something, be sure to look me up. You never know, it just might pay off.

Friend to people, authoritarian public enemy number 1.

Movie poster for Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986.)
Image courtesy of Paramount Pictures.
All rights reserved.

[ Place Title Here ]

2011-02-16T01:17:00.000-08:00

If inspiration can come from anywhere, uninspired days provide... nothing. Well ok, maybe they can provide some minor amusement when you're thinking the day terrible. Like when I was in high school, one of my best friends and I used to walk through school bored to tears. Then next thing we know, one of our friends stole the hat of another friend and we were witness to five minutes of live-action Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote antics. Sadly, nobody ever fell off the side of a mountain to the sound effect of a whistle. The expression though on the face of he whose hat got stolen was often near pathetic as the Coyote when holding up a picket sign.

Talk about having too much to eat!

Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner from Looney Tunes.
Image courtesy of Warner Bros.

Days like those don't happen much anymore. I'm mostly so busy that the day just passes by and before I know it, its Thursday when I watch Big Bang Theory or Friday when WWE Smackdown is on. Yay! I don't even miss being bored much except that those were days I went to my Dad's shop and endlessly harassed him in between looking at porno mags.
He was an easy target. We'd walk in and usually he had a customer in his barber chair. Perfect time to ask for money. So I'd score a few bucks and mouth off knowing he couldn't look bad in front of the customer. I was thereby king amongst my friends. Boy did I hear about it though when I came back and he was alone. Lets just say his torturous teasing of me after is probably why I can talk to everyone from rock stars, businessmen and varying celebs with a similar thick skin.

(Sigh) ah, family.

Archie Bunker and Meathead on TV's All In The Family.
Image courtesy of:
Bud Yorkin Productions.
Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS.)
Norman Lear/Tandem Productions.
Sony Pictures Television.
Viacom.
All rights reserved.

What's So Lovely About Valentines Day?

2011-02-15T04:52:00.000-08:00

I love Valentine's Day. I like the idea of Women everywhere swooning over the idea of being loved. That makes me feel good. Something about how they're always looking to feel good by someone being nice to them gives me the confidence to think that I can be that guy. Oh sure, I can talk to Women seven nights a week anyways. Today though only improves my chances to more than double how many I talked to yesterday. Its like Super Mario Bros. when you collect the star and turn colors. You're invincible. For 24 hours on Valentines Day charming men are invincible. That's not to say all Women are putty in my hands. Only most are. Those lucky ladies.

'Nuff said.

"If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Simply Red (1989.) Song courtesy of Elektra Records. All rights reserved.

You might ask, hey man why are you here then posting a blog if you can go out and talk to the ladies? My reply is this: Where you think I've been all day? Figure it out!

Hey, love happens anywhere.

Daniel-San and Kumiko in Karate Kid Part II (1986.)
Image courtesy of:
Columbia Pictures Corporation.
Delphi V Productions.
Sony.
Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.

Belated Posting.

2011-02-13T22:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you count on me everyday and I ain't lettin' you down! Yesterday was my birthday, sue me. Anyways, despite being 31 I feel great today and let me tell you why. First, I've spent most of the day talking to beautiful women. Nothing unusual there. Then I went to get lunch. That was awesome. I walked into a local franchise, Round Table Pizza and what should be on VH1 but Pink Floyd. Someone up there in the sky must like my bulbous behind. Here's what I ordered: A peperoni, sausage and salami pizza with extra cheese and garlic cream sauce on thick pan crust. Sounds good, huh? Glad I wasn't driving because I washed that down with a Kona Longboard beer.
Notch it up to washing dishes at a pizza joint for a few years. You have lots of time to think when sloughing off other people's plates. Pizza pans and pasta dishes full of sauce and half eaten meals. You're welcome for that
appetizing description.
Anyways, I got home and napped for a while. I didn't even wanna wake up until my Mom reminded me that the Grammy Awards were coming up. Now I love me some Grammys. I don't even care that most of the hack acts are bought off by the academy because they're too stingy to invest long-term in talent that pays for itself. This is why my generation wasn't sheltered in high school like the early 90's were. ;) Yeah, yeah Springfield bullies go crack your knuckles elsewhere. You know and I know that really, behind your presumed smooth image us South Park kids are angels by comparison to YOU! Then your kids compared to me.

Whatta ding-a-ling!

Nelson Muntz and Bart Simpson in The Simpsons Movie (2007.)
Video courtesy of 20th Century Fox. All rights reserved.

Anyways, its not too bad being 31. I'm officially every flavor at Baskin-Robbins.
The only suckfest from now on is gonna be the expectation for me to actually be a responsible adult. What the fuck is up with that?! Now that people are living to be at most 100 then 30's should be like the new 20's or teens. Something.

A real pair. One has sawdust for brains and the other is Mr. Woodchuck.

Joey Gladstone and Mr. Woodchuck from TV's Full House.
Image courtesy of:
Jeff Franklin Productions.
Lorimar Telepictures (1987-1988.)
Lorimar Television (1988-1993.)
Miller/Boyett Productions.
Warner Bros. Television.
ABC Family.
All rights reserved.

Y'all Thought I Wouldn't Post On My Birthday, Huh?

2011-02-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today hasn't been half bad. At midnight I searched my room and found an old video that my high school friend Chris made of my late dad. It felt like he was in the room with me. For the first time I saw the cool of he and all our friends in myself. Either that or the beer was talking to me real heavily. Though I will say it was like looking at my own off-color history with a fresh set of eyes. I wasn't embarrassed like most people are when people want to look at scrapbooks. I was actually in awe of most parties in the project. Chris is still a proper, uptight putz though. Imagine Superbad's McLovin then remove his penchant for checking out the ladies. There you go. He's like the guy breaking records that Howard Stern's dad told off through the window in the childhood flashback scene of Private Parts. Same goofball expression on his face and everything. The Red Mist to my Kick-Ass.

Swiss cheese, anyone?

The jet pack scene from contemporary cult classic, Kick-Ass (2010.)
Video courtesy of:
Marv Films.
Plan B Entertainment.
Lionsgate.
All rights reserved.

Then I nodded off for a few hours and woke to find a birthday card from my Mom. That was very sweet, I thought. Then I got online. To say that all you readers have overwhelmed me with your kind words would be an understatement. Many, many people wished me well and for that, I am eternally grateful to you all. First my Mom, then you guys... and that was before I even walked out the door.
So I got out the door and had breakfast. Denny's does this offer where on your birthday they give you a free meal. The catch is, you build the meal yourself. I went for the grits and pancakes with eggs and sausage. It wasn't half bad with the blue soda I ordered.
Then I went to the store. Now when I say I went to the store, I mean I really went to the store. All in all, I spent on food more than what most do on lobster. Okay so maybe that's a slight exaggeration but still, it wasn't two tacos for 99 cents at Jack in the Box. Although there were plenty of girls to look at so you know already that I wasn't complainin'.
Finally, before coming home I stopped by the Blockbuster Video. Man, that place ain't doin' bad business for a place that's shutting down. I went in there and bought eight movies, a Springsteen cd and a KISS keychain for thirty dollars. Talk about a great deal! Anymore if you go buy a movie at Best Buy, just one of those flicks would cost you the same price brand new.
So now I'm home and lord knows what's coming next. I have no clue and its my birthday. All I do know is my hand is itching and I've been told that's a sign of good luck. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get lucky before the night is over!

Tre' Amore.
Roger and Jessica Rabbit.

Character image and likeness courtesy of Disney.
All rights reserved.

This Week Down.

2011-02-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

If history has a way of repeating itself, this week was one for the books by the word coming full circle from years ago. In the 1990's Soviet Communism fell throughout eastern Europe. Last decade, Saddam Hussein died in Iraq and Cuba's Fidel Castro turned over power to his brother. This week, former President Mubarak of Egypt resigned. It feels good to say that: former president of Egypt. If you think I'm bad, that guy is downright foul! The people asked him to leave and the stubborn dude said he wouldn't seek reelection. The people started to protest, asking him to leave again. He said he'd turn over some power to his vice president but that he wouldn't leave office. The people began to riot, throwing their shoes like Mubarak's name was Dubya. President Obama even asked Mubarak to clarify what that meant. That's when he finally raised the white flag.
I hadn't seen this kinda country confusion since Russia. In summer 1991 Gorby's soviet strawberry birthmark was overthrown in a coup. He was replaced by Boris Yeltsin, the W.G. Fields of democratic Russia. By that December, the Soviet Union dissolved completely. That last incident made the head of Dubya's dad, former President George H.W. Bush, spin so bad that later he puked on the prime minister of Japan.

Just desserts. Dana Carvey as President George H.W. Bush on Santurday Night Live (1992.)

Video courtesy of:
Broadway Video.
SNL Studios.
Comcast.
NBC.
All rights reserved.

Time will only tell what's going to happen next. My prediction is that something will happen, followed by something else that leads to a third thing. Break a leg that they're all productive things happening for the working class which give upper-mobile people a real goosing. It ain't right we suffer for working hard while the lazier than thou collect anywhere from 13 to 30 dollar an hour paychecks pretending to patient but with ulterior motives.
Best friends.
Fisher Stevens and Johnny 5 in Short Circuit 2 (1988.)

Image courtesy of:
David Foster Productions.
TriStar Pictures.
Columbia TriStar Home Video.
All rights reserved.

The Thursday Doldrums.

2011-02-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

Today is Thursday. Now, if I were still in a college town, it'd be what I like to call fraternity Friday. See, what that means is that everyone at the university schedules their classes Monday through Thursday. That way by Thursday night its the beginning of a three-day weekend. Until you get out of school though, that whole day is boring! On that day, you ain't never seen nothing sadder than a Chinese student riding his bike to class. When everyone else is whooping and hollering on their way off campus, he looks like he should be singin' a spiritual. If I carried a backpack bigger than I am, I'm sure I'd feel the same way! The only thing worse than that, is putting one of my teenage brothers in a monster truck. Poor Chinese dude's bike never saw it coming. What happened was my brother borrowed someone's truck and got caught up talking to my dad when they came to a crosswalk. This was way before pulling a hollywood stop became popular. Anyways, the Chinese dude had the right of way but almost became a pancake. Luckily he got out of the way but the bike wasn't so lucky. The thing looked like a crushed soda can. There wasn't even a tire left like Chris Rock had in Head of State. My dad started to cuss up a blue streak. He always said every expletive you can think of as one word. "Goddamncocksuckermotherfuckerpieceofdogshit." Try fitting all that on the back of an NFL jersey! So while he was saying that, my brother just looked out the window and casually shouted "sorry, dude!" He even waved a metal sign at the guy. My dad got out, examined the damage and told the guy he'd give him a free haircut at our family barbershop. Now maybe its just me, but I don't think one haircut could ever cover the price of a new bike. Also, I doubt hearing *that* made the Chinese guy stop and dance the funky chicken.

Shoot, theirs ain't the only daddy that could swear!

The legendary Soul Train line dance.
Video courtesy of:
Don Cornelius Productions
Tribune Entertainment
Trifecta Entertainment
All rights reserved.

So ok, the day could be happening. In the afternoon. At night though was when all the fun really got started. First, my brother picked me up from school in that mean machine and all the other kids were blown away. We even had them goin' thinkin' it was ours to keep. At least one little girl slipped me her phone number. Then we got home and all our cousins were already half-stoned playing hacky sack with my brother's rocker friends waiting for us to show up. The rockers were having too much fun growling like Wolfmen scaring all the neighbor kids. It would've been funnier still if it weren't their own cousins from down the street. One kid ran inside, called for his mom and my brother's friend's aunt pulled the teen inside by the ear.
My brother and I looked at each other like a pair of excited little rascals, exclaiming in tandem "oh shit!" We tried listening at the door what was going on but that same bratty cousin turned the hose on us. Then we took off behind a bush and that kid got *himself* scolded. Still rubbing his ear, the teen wolf climbed out a window to meet us. Then all three of us chuckled. The rest of bro's friends snuck up behind to scare us but that nearly got everyone caught! So we ran into my Grandparents' house laughing. They to the back bedroom, me to my toys. Homework could wait.

Same room my swearing daddy had before me. His high school drumsticks even sat in the closet.

"In My Room" by The Beach Boys (1963.)
Music courtesy of Capitol Records. All rights reserved.

Thinking back, maybe Thursdays weren't that bad. I mean this all happened before that night's new episode of The Cosby Show! I had people around who loved me, obviously. I got to witness real-life comedy in the suburbs. It seems like life was good for everybody. Except that poor guy without a bicycle.

If we only had a clue. Movie poster for Airheads. (1994.)

Image courtesy of:
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
Island World.
Robert Simonds Productions.

Waking Up on Wednesday.

2011-02-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

So today is hump day. The middle of the week. People all over are already mulling over their weekend plans. Me, I always do the same thing: Have beers, watch WWE Smackdown and talk to all the pretty ladies online that I can find! Hey, it cheaper than going out! Plus, I don't have to spend any money. On a good night, you never know who might appear. It helps that I know alot of females already.
I know white girls, black girls, Asian girls, Latina girls. I know Jewish girls, British girls, German girls, Russian girls, girls from Australia and Indian girls. Heck I even know a few that seem like they just dropped in from outer space! I know Women and they all love me. Shoot, I can't help it!
See, the thing is to know yourself. My dad was a bald, pudgy white dude but still he could make any lady laugh. He told the crudest jokes imaginable but people still cracked up. He knew how to hold back and laugh at himself because "acting like a bad-ass was too easy." Plus, this way he stayed out of trouble.
My mom was crazy jealous. Anytime my Dad just looked at another Woman, she jumped down his throat. "Who was that? What did she want?" I think she scared rattlesnakes. My dad had learned how to say alot by doing nothing. So did Hogan's Heroes.

Ok, so if Schultz knows nothing and Col. Klink pumps him for info, how little does Klink know?

Bob Crane and John Banner on TV's Hogan's Heroes.
Video courtesy of:
Bing Crosby Productions.
Bob Crane Enterprises (1970-1971.)
Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS.)
Viacom.

Me, I just keep a low profile. When Women ask who I've been talking to, I make the best effort at telling them what they need to know. "That's just..." insert name here. Then they're like "and who is...?" So I tell them "oh I know them online. They're cool with..." which is true because on Facebook you can see whose all mutual friends with each other. Hey, I might be bad but at least I'm honest. Vaguely.
I never see ladies be honest with the credit card bill. The moment any man asks what a new outfit is for, I know a dozen dames that got two dozen answers. Men aren't the only ones with a quick wit. Women lie to themselves too and for it go self-indulge on hot fudge sundaes. Guess who later has to say "no" when they ask "do these clothes make me look fat?"
I know what's coming. By Sunday, something I've said between now and then will land me in the doghouse. It never fails. Men and Women can come from anywhere but some things are just universal. By which I don't mean the major studio merged with NBC network that Comcast just bought. Men are honest with brutality, Women are honest with sensitivity.
See, if a man is sensitive he's labeled as either gay or an 80's rock star. If a woman is brutal she's branded either lesbian or a "ball-busting bitch." People just can't be nice to each other. If they were, it'd probably be boring as life in the 1990's. Or like life before the internet had pictures in color and Youtube.

Dancing around to the beat of the subject. Movie poster for Flashdance. (1983.)

Image courtesy of:
Paramount Pictures.
PolyGram Filmed Entertainment.

On A Great Day, Good Things Tend To Happen.

2011-02-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

Today was awesome. The restaurant I went to had cinnamon rolls. You know I had to order one. The waitress even buttered it for me. Then I went and got my hair cut. The stylist layered it and brought the length up to my shoulders so it drapes like a cape. I felt good! My Mom even got her hair done. It looks funny. In a good way.
I made the cashier at the supermarket smile saying that. She called it a good save.
Then I got lunch. Two McDonald's Cheeseburgers, Fries and Strawberry Shake. Let me tell you peoples, I don't know what it is but I think Gov. Jerry Brown is hooking people up all over. The food tastes better these days. The birds are chirping and people's attitudes are more down to earth. Life is stellar. I bet if there are aliens in space, they're probably harmonizing some kinda E.T. doo-wop.

Double-edged sword, ain't it?

"Two Kinds of Love" by Frank Stallone from the original movie soundtrack to "Rocky II" (1979.)
Music courtesy of Capitol Records. All rights reserved.

I'm telling you it just feels good to be an American. Heck at the going rate, its only a matter of time before I get found. Once I'm successful, when it does happen, I'm gonna be good to people. Yes sir, give me a break and I'll make you a fortune. Then whatever I get for it, it'll all go to something good. You wait and see. If I had any debts I'd clear up my name. Then I'd help my Mama out. She's always been good to me. I'll pay back my Grandma or relatives she's borrowed from. Pay off the husbands. Get my Step-Grandfather and all My Aunt's husbands something real nice so that there ain't no henpecking going on my way. Even my brothers' dad. Put everyone in check to back off. Then learn what she owes where or whom all owe her. That way, who can say something? My Mom's brother already owes me an arm and a leg knowing I could've charged him like movers do to pack up his whole apartment. He ain't alone.

You know what you gotta do. If I gotta be good, so do you!

"Bad Boys" by Inner Circle. Music courtesy of Island Records. All rights reserved.

Then I start in on what's owed me. Take into account everything broken I can assess financially and replace so as to increase my luck for Chinese New Years. Trust me when I say there's alot. All I want is my fair shake. Over twenty years ago, I was the one who went with my Mom to find us a nice apartment in a great part of our old city. Not my brothers, me. Then not even six mos. later, the night I learned my team was going to the little league championships, I also learned that in nine mos. I'd be an uncle. Welcome to premature puberty, Johnny! Add to it, I go to my Grandparents' house and suddenly my toys begin missing. When my Grandma was battling cancer! Relatives thinking my belongings belong to their kids or "borrowing" them for little cousins to play with, remembering to leave stuff that ain't mine there like pack rats do. Ten cents on the dollar. Take a box of mine and leave a toy of theirs. I never said nothin' then, did I? In case you're wondering, right now I'm adding up the collector's value and accrued interest in my head. Then there's good moneymaking ideas my dad ran by me that others sit high on the hog after running off with. The entire nineties was divided and conquered for themselves. I was the substance but the image reflected something else. I have to say, if his clientele were willing to buy him a barber shop then they should all be more than be willing to give me a greater stake in the claim. Especially knowing what I was always reading about or looking into for people. My dad said if you want to know what's good, ask a kid. My brothers, our customers and cousins didn't just exploit that, they raped it. I'd say to everyone we know: "you tell me what my family and our peoples did on your side, I'll tell everyone else from my side of the fence that owe my whole family one. For better or worse. Knock on wood, *knocks on wood*, for saying all this. Yeah. Just cut the racket and give me what's mine by right. I've paid my dues over eight years online chatting up girl friends of friends and already had paid my dues in person for over ten years, with other guys, before then. In the words of an almighty late friend: 'pay me.'" Then I'd be all tellin' em "it don't matter if you're GOP or pro-democracy. I have what it takes, I've shown it and did my bit by taking all y'all's shit." I don't forget, y'all. You think I walked away. Shit, I was just bidin' my time. ;) Like I said, today is a great day! Here's hoping tomorrow will be even better!

German movie poster for Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties. (2006.)

Image courtesy of:
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
Davis Entertainment.
Dune Entertainment.
Ingenious Film Partners.
Major Studio Partners.
All rights reserved.

Clarity and all that Good Stuff.

2011-02-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

Its hard to be clear when people already know alot about you. Especially friends and family. They know about tangents of you that relate to their own experience. Sometimes though, there's a bit of yourself that people either 1.) said they aren't familiar with directly or 2.) have considerately offered that they went through something vaguely similar to but may not have told you all about it. Whatever the situation, all I know is its better to be honest and get your opinion out there. If I didn't, then white people might tell you I'm a Justin Bieber or Jack Black. That's Women speaking. In reality amongst other Men I've always been more like Ralph Macchio's Karate Kid or a west coast, latino version of a younger Chris Rock. At the very least, like his white best friend Greg. Oddly dressed.
When I was in high school, people just thought I was crazy. I dressed wild and acted weird. So did my friends. Once a pal visited from Sacramento dressed like the lead singer of The Cure. Another time I wore a striped hat like something from Dr. Seuss to a school dance. With my face painted like Alice Cooper. Before you even ask, no it wasn't for Halloween. The consensus of my fringe loving friends was that pretty people were placing labels and we didn't like being labeled. If you said I was a freak, I would show you what a freak acts like. Chances are, you may even laugh! Nobody can hate a guy whose bagging on himself.
What your parents don't know is better for us!

Music video for "Round and Round" by Ratt (1984.)
Video courtesy of Atlantic Records. All rights reserved.

Surprisingly, the school faculty for the most part appreciated me. Girls too! I guess it was refreshing for them to see a guy unafraid of seeming freaky or outrageous. Maybe it was also because I saw some of the teachers downtown laughing and having drinks with my dad's friends. The bands we kids liked were ones those adults all played on the jukebox. Songs that often scared off nosy, paranoid cops somehow.
Earlier I scared off our high school quarterback, a cop's kid, and his familiars just being myself. That and by beating all of them at Street Fighter II in a pizza joint but that's another story. Lets just say that the whole time I was sitting down yawning. I didn't even get angry until someone spilled my soda. Then a skinny roadie looking dude with smelly armpits distracted me while they all ran out the door. After it was over and mr. unsure left the lady working the counter just smiled, giggled and gave me a new soda for free. Too bad I was only in Jr. High or I would've asked for her phone number.
To summarize, I don't talk about me to explain myself. I do it preemptively to cover my ass. If something is gonna mess up then it won't be because of me. I'm there for you. Even when things appear as though I'm not cool with it looking like I am.
Hey, even brains take a break sometimes. B)-~~~

Matt Damon and Minnie Driver in Good Will Hunting. (1997.)
Image courtesy of:
Be Gentlemen Limited Partnership.
Lawrence Bender Productions.
Miramax Films.
All rights reserved.

Playing Nice.

2011-02-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had people walk on eggshells around you? Yeah, me too. I just want to throw a pie in those people's faces or do a cannonball into a pool right where they're sunbathing at. Something to get them out of themselves. I'm not such a bad guy. Until you're catty behind my back. Laughing is one thing if you're just being punks to each other but when people start in with pissing contests about who can talk to girls and what not, that's when I pull rank.
You see, girls like me. Not always sexually but that happens too. No, I'm the guy girls trust to give the advice they wish male role models would. I'm like Father Knows Best without the business suit or office job. Same as my Grandfather was except he did dress up and work in an office part-time when I was a child. Guys that feel the need to have something to prove find me not just a threat in that role model regard. Many also envy that I can see normally what all they didn't quite consider. Particularly because often they have been conditioned to think my mentality was "not cool" by all the other guys they show off for.

Girls love smart guys. All they learn from each other are ingenious tips about how to do something differently. Well, that's when I tell skirts that I'm all different baby! Stick with me and everyday is a new adventure. Just ask all my friends!
Guys shouldn't be embarrassed by what all makes them who they are. If they're not embarrassed of me, why be embarrassed by what I like? Chances are, we learned it was cool together at some point. Ladies love someone that's willing to take a chance. Someone like me, for example. Knowing that something is cool together makes anything more intimate. It's what gets ya laid, pal!

Mike Meyers and Heather Graham in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. (1999.)
Image courtesy of New Line Cinema.

Helping Ourselves To Helping Others.

2011-02-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

I have always been a supportive guy. When my oldest brother needed to get away from home for a while after having it rough at home, it was me at only four years of age asking my Grandparents if he could keep a room at their house until things blew over. Little did I know he was put on the spot, having already been plotting all along to stay with wealthy friends across town. When my middle brother and girlfriend were pregnant with my nephew, it was me who first kept my silence all the way until after we got to the delivery room. People cannot say that I'm not there for them. More often than not, they can only say that I have been and at times am still here for them. The problem is that sometimes friends can really burn you and your being supportive of anyone. Not that they would ever admit it. Some folk are just fearful of what they don't understand. Especially American white people. Suburban American white people. At least the ones I know and grew up with. If most of them were reading this, I'd get one of two things: bellyached/whined about behind my back or growled at to my face with a cynical quip. Asians, Black people, Jews, kids from bigger cities, Hindi, Mexicans, working class Irish, Native Americans and Italians are all pretty cool. Country folk too. Its just these lily white pretentious people that come from Spain or I don't know where that all act paranoid and puritanical to everybody. Like the neighbors in Edward Scissorhands. They know I got their number. Back when I was a kid it was divorced or battered Desperate Housewives raising future Justin Bieber clones. What the hell did I ever do to all of them?! They must've been out of their mind to mess with me! What happened was I was offered to skip a grade when I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten! This was after a teacher tried to tell my dad I was slow. I was just lazy. I shared a bedroom with stoners and my Grandparents' house with yuppies. I told the people who recommended me that I'd ask my parents. Well my family had a discussion about it and yada yada yada, we all decided against it. Not that I have anything against accelerated learning. All I knew was my friends in Kindergarten had disabilities like dyslexia and mean white kids pretending to be friends were picking on them. A Korean kid that occasionally hung out with us was pointing out my friends to pick on so he wasn't bullied. I wasn't having it. We all found out, turned and made fun of the Korean kid then near got called racists. Which even then I thought odd because one of my friends was Middle Eastern. Anyways, my brothers were dyslexic and the school system knew it. Years before, my dad had made the same school district test them for it when the boys weren't able to read accurately at 8 and 10 years old. Guess some Germans don't like Mexicans either. Next time I'm in Berlin, remind me to order a Bohemia. A year or two later I got asked again to skip a grade and that time really wanted to go for it but two things happened: the teacher I was working with who wanted me in her class suddenly moved away. Now that teacher was cool. She, before moving, even let one girl from my class that I was friends with sit in on lessons too because the girl was also smart. Man, it felt good having a friend there. Second, the new teacher that came in was cool with me but very strict and said if I was in her class, I couldn't go back to my own class or bring any of my friends from that class into her class. So I shrugged off the strict teacher and never went back. Looking back now, who'd have thought that I was a rock star even in grade school? I guess I'm destined for big things.

Proof that you can like hot women sexually and still enjoy psychedelic colors.

Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston in Warner Bros. Pictures' Rock Star (2001.)
Video courtesy of:
Warner Bros. Pictures.
Bel Air Entertainment.
Maysville Pictures.
Robert Lawrence Productions.
Metal Productions Inc.

After all was said and done I proceeded all the way through school without having skipped any grades. I even graduated on time. In high school I made new friends that as it turned out, weren't just varying ethnic minorities but also each had dyslexia. Two Italians, two Irish and another Latino besides myself. A Filipino. Man, weren't we on the wrong coast! Guess it just follows me. Its just funny that through it all, I wouldn't have changed and won't change a thing. I'm still the first guy to ask what gives someone the right. Ten years ago when white kids tried to patronize rap music, I listened to rock music. They brought up Backstreet Boys, I brought up J5. They mentioned New Kids on the Block, I sang James Brown. I was annoying only because they knew I wasn't the one being an asshole. My attitude was Americans don't act like that, hosers. They essentially got the drift but still grind an axe about it. All I can say is if it makes them feel any better, KISS dresses Kabuki but Yoko Ono is Japanese. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just... get along?

If you can't look at war, don't knock peace.

John Lennon and Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump (1994.)
Image courtesy of Paramount Pictures.

Facing the Crowd.

2011-02-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like you're being cheered on to do something that initially you're not sure you really want to? Like ok, sometimes as a kid I'd really want to talk to a girl and I knew that the only one keeping me from going for it is me. Now it didn't always work out. One time a girl found out I knew she liked me and ran like hell. Then I learned she was dating someone whose friends all tried to pick a fight with my friends. Another time I got all worked up to ask a girl out and thought my being sweaty was just nerves. Then I got to the bathroom and started to pee blood. The doctor told me I had kidney stones. All those times though, I had support: My dad. Also, my friends. Now the good thing about my dad was that he always had money. When I was little and got sick, he didn't just bring me a soup and orange juice. He bought home for the whole family, including both of my brothers' homeboy or rocker friends, a large pizza with *everything.* Even anchovies and lemon on the side for me! That guy was cool! The only thing was, no matter if I were sick or not I had to be the one to go outside or upstairs and tell people the food was there. I went outside when I was shivering with a fever. I went upstairs with a broken leg. I yelled for dinner with strep throat. It was my own fault for wanting to make sure those roughnecks all got something to eat. My dad said if I wanted something, I had to go out and get it. All I knew from experience was its better people knew food was there when it was hot or the next day I'd wake up tucked in bed; from the neck down. Try yelling for help with that while having strep throat.

Controversy nothin'. This was my lullaby!

Animal, Fuck Like a Beast by W.A.S.P.
From the self-titled album W.A.S.P. (1984.)
Song courtesy of Capitol Records.
All rights reserved.

Whenever I told the guys that food was there, they all appeared grateful and appreciative. I always got patted on the back or my hair all messed up. Sometimes my brothers even had friends appear that nobody seemed to know. Its like the robber next door smelled pizza and he wanted some too. I swore one time I even saw the Hamburglar at one of our barbecues. My dad was skeptical though. Before someone he didn't know reached for our food he was ready and reaching for his belt. My older brother was quick with it though and explained whomever... that was. Then he went outside to whomever had brought over friends of friends and roughed 'em up like Butt-Head making Beavis settle. One night, someone strange brought a gun into the garage. Next thing I saw, *both* fools got schooled. So my Mom heard the commotion and came out with her frying pan. Then she called everyone's Mama. I swear it looked like a clown car coming out of our garage. Thirty homies running down the street lookin' like Smokey from Friday right before he landed in Deebo's pigeon coop.
All in all, facing fears has never really scared me. I've dealt with girls. Today they can't keep their hands off me. I've stared down Homies at their worst. Now they're head chefs and run their own businesses. I've even survived having to pee when I couldn't move in bed. Now that only happens when I'm hungover. Life isn't so bad if you know what to look for. All it takes is making sure you get yours while showing love to others when keeping a good eye on the hamburglar.

Man, get your crazy hamburger eatin' ass out my way! Get one and get on.

The Hamburglar and his beloved cheeseburger.
Image courtesy of McDonald's corp. All rights reserved.

Networking.

2011-02-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

I guess its true what they say. It never hurts to make new friends because you never know who you're gonna meet. Recently, I was online watching a friends' webcast and got to meet friends of friends. Well as it turns out, one friend of a friend in particular knew friends of other people I know locally. I bet that's what Disney meant by "its a small world." I hadn't had to process information like that since listening in on party lines in the 1980's and got paranoid of the phone. Only this time, processing information was a good thing. Back in the late 1980's, if you found out someone had a big clunky cell phone you didn't use it to order pizza. At least, you weren't supposed to. To a small child, a phone is a phone. To a phone company, a cell phone was money in the bank. In the six minutes it took to have a pepperoni and extra cheese delivered from across the street, my parents were charged the price of a new DVD today. When the phone bill arrived my dad came in and yelled at my brother "you spent 20 dollars on a phone call?!" Of course my brother then looked straight across the bedroom staring daggers at me. I was in bed so I hid under the blankets. Ever so slyly, my brother told my father to not worry, that yes he did spend that cash but he'd handle it. I knew what was coming next. I bolted across the room hiding behind my dad. My dad just stepped aside. Now I had two angry big dudes snarling at me. Before I had time to speak, one held me and the other pulled off his belt. I'm still sore just thinking about it.

"Whuppin' when he wanna."
The late Robin Harris in House Party (1990.)

Image courtesy of:
The Hudlin Brothers.
The Jackson/McHenry Company.
New Line Cinema.
All rights reserved.

Recently however life has been much more pleasant. The people I've met online have all been awesome thus far. For one, they're loving. They'd give you the shirt off their back in terms of how to stay hopeful even when things are rough right now like looking for a job. Second, they're hip. They know how to deflect horse crap at 1000 paces.
If you look over their shoulder long enough then over time that becomes second nature to you too. Like learning to play Street Fighter II.
All I ever get nowadays are compliments. I like that. People actually appreciate that I speak my mind. It's about time! When I was growing up, all people told me was to shut up because I wasn't making sense or to quit mumbling. Man, you'd mumble or be cryptic too if all being outspoken did was compound frustrated family's preexisting anger.
Now I get told that I'm loved and that I should never give up on my dreams. That actually makes me proud. I got something to believe in again. I know I'm good and that its not just me being cocky. Too much.
I love that people are there online to put me in my place. It doesn't feel like adult to young adult but more like big kids just bouncing ideas off each other. A bigger fishbowl of the same kinda network USA used to have regionally on the telephone or in a neighborhood. The real 1980's back by popular demand, larger and louder. Now I hold the kids that burn me and my brother or cousins whup 'em. The internet is the new arcade where kids of all ages can learn from each other how to naturally pull off moves in the fighting game of death.

Kickin' butt and taking names: Fei Long, one of the stars in Capcom's Street Fighter IV (2010.)

Image courtesy of Capcom Co., Ltd.
All rights reserved.

Perserverence.

2011-02-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

Nobody ever said any kind of success is easy. You go out there, put your feelings on the line then learn something about yourself and human nature one way or another. My father was a perfect example of that. He knew he was comfortable financially but still his one hobby was always trying to put some kind of deal together. He tried all kinds of things. He first suggested fruit roll-ups. He tried selling mesquite to the barbecue companies. He knew pistachios would make for good TV commercials. That man knew all kinds of everything.
Not that the people with money, who sit uptight and nervous by my coming around like an ex-husband from the First Wives Club, would tell you that. If I were to go there, I could tell you a thing or two about having your own name getting dragged through the mud. In that regard, some people owe me far more than they're even worth and *know* it. If not for me or my older brother, let's just say that there are some affluent kids who'd still be picked on by bullies like Tom Arnold to Rick Moranis in a b-movie. Heck, if not for my brother's baby's mama then *he'd* still be a bully to kids in the barrio.

Y'all asked to know where I come from? Here 'tis.

Ice Cube and Tiny Lister in Friday (1995.)
Video courtesy of:
New Line Cinema.
Priority Films.
All rights reserved.

All I know is that when you do good, you get good. Even if it don't always work out the way you plan. I mean personally, I'd rather be having a cocktail right now while lounging on the beach somewhere tropical. The only thing is I know I don't like shallow vacationers. Not that I don't like they themselves, or that they even are shallow, but sometimes even those in upper mobility that cater to said appearances have employees from the 'hood. Those that know and know you know what's really up. Who dated who. There's a reason some relatives no longer party with other older kids' friends other than to pick a fight. So I lounge low-key from the comfort of my living room with a Dr. Pepper instead while typing to y'all. It's better this than going outside and breaking my arms after thumping on some fools' head. I'll just graduate college and let others redeem themselves in earning fantastic jobs after doing my light work for me.

Dance like a fairy, defeat authority. (Jump back!)

Theatrical movie poster for Footloose (1984.)
Image courtesy of:
Paramount Pictures.
IndieProd Company Productions.
All rights reserved.

Fragrances.

2011-02-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Its amazing how the smell of something can take you back somewhere special. For better or worse. Like, if there were a time portal somewhere I bet you it has something to do with scent and how things smell. Like for example, look at coffee. For the people whom love it, that fresh aroma might remind you of waking up at home in the morning as a kid and yawning on your way to getting that first bowl of crunch berries. Or fruity pebbles, corn flakes, etc. Whatever your favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is. Anyways, what I'm saying is its like a time warp. Its comforting. However, for people that don't like that smell it could also be scary. Imagine you go down into the kitchen, you smell that coffee and boom its the 1980's. You look down, you're rocking the mullet, keyboard necktie, checkerboard vans... then you look in the mirror and scream like Cosmo Kramer said he just gave you blood.

Funny gods don't like crazy.

Jerry Seinfeld and Michael Richards on TV's Seinfeld.
Video courtesy of:
Castle Rock Entertainment.
West-Shapiro.
Sony Pictures Television.
All rights reserved.

Just kidding! Seinfeld began in 1990. In the 80's it'd be more like Ozzy Osbourne, Twisted Sister or members of W.A.S.P. Now, if you woke up looking like one of *those* three from that era then you'd have bigger problems than the smell of coffee in the morning. The best part about it if you were turned into a kid and nobody knew was that then you could stay home from work and watch TV reruns all damn day. The only other programs back then that came on during the day were soap operas and infomercials. Just don't eat too much good stuff if that time warp coffee were an issue or you'd turn into a fetus. You wouldn't wanna go downtown where I lived. It was a college town. Coffee shops on every corner. Smell the wrong coffee blend and you could wind up in the jungles of Africa. At night. Smell a good one and you could wind up at a luau in Waikiki. Now I don't know about you but I don't like watching Nature of Omaha's Wild Kingdom even talking about certain parts of Africa in the daytime. Especially no damn wild safari. Imagine smelling coffee then next being a Gazelle just grazing in the grass when a full grown Lion gets hungry? Next thing you know you'd be galloping off like oh shit, this dude wants my ass for dinner! Even if he just wore an ascot and all he "wanted was to do was talk" then you'd still stand a better chance in prison. Now I'm just saying, there's a good and bad in everything and I'm glad things are the way they go now. Its just real nice to me that you can smell something good and for it fresh ideas can percolate right alongside the blend you're brewing. We are, for that reason alone, a lucky country to be in. For one thing it don't turn you prepubescent. For another, it could be worse. Ask that Gazelle still running in Africa.

Getting out of bed for all the wrong reasons.

Tim Curry and members of the cast from Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975.)
Image courtesy of:
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
All rights reserved.

Appreciating Contacts.

2011-01-31T10:19:00.000-08:00

You know what's funny? Sometimes I'll say something witty off the top of my head intending to be serious and suddenly the wording makes other people laugh. I like that! I appreciate that others see my charm. My wit, my je nai se quois. Ok, ok so I'm not gonna get too arrogant but I'm just saying. Its a nice thing. That's it. Well if you're gonna press the issue, fine. I like that someone else is happy and knowing I did it. That makes me feel proud. I feel like a man now. I can rest happy. That's all I've ever hoped for. That and to not be teased for it. Not to say someone would tease me. I'm glad that they don't. Like ok, today I got an email. Someone I know that's busy told me she appreciates me. That made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Its like being warmed by an electric blanket. What I did about it was reply first, compliment her back and them came here to tell you about it. I felt obligated because you're my audience and you love to hear what I have to say. You're welcome, I feel glad to tell you about it.

Friends that complain together, stay together.

Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt on TV's Mad About You.
Image courtesy of:
In Front Productions.
Nuance Productions.
TriStar Television.
Sony Pictures Television.
All rights reserved.

Not to vaguely twist the subject but this is what I love about you. You guys are always so quiet. I don't think I've gotten a comment on any of my posts in days. I mean it'd be nice to get comments but its almost like out of some kinda respect that alot of you don't. Which is perfectly fine with me. I mean if you don't like to talk, that's cool. I just think it would be nice sometime if we could all get a conversation going. Then maybe everyone would feel this good and spread the wealth of knowing what it means to appreciate good contacts. For now I'm just glad that its still intimate and special. Good friends are like inexpensive vintage wines: hard to find but leave a sweet taste in your mouth.

Harassing the Haters.

2011-01-30T10:09:00.000-08:00

Call me sadistic. Call me, crazy. I like to harass people who think they can mess with me. I lead them on to criticize me until they look stupid then turn around and never let them hear the end of it. That's what gets them so frustrated by my mere presence. Now, I'm not a bad guy. Not by practically any measure. Practically. Is it wrong to be cocky once I've proven myself? Perhaps. Its a learned behavior though. My father was like that and his father before him. Give someone enough rope and hope they learn what they're doing wrong before its too late. Color that tough love. That's not to say I won't come back and show love explaining how I learned to cope with any said problem. You just gotta be willing to listen. Don't think about what I'm saying, feel it. Otherwise you're bound to only psyche yourself out and have a nervous breakdown. Like they used to say, all brains and no balls make for a lousy character. I think about what I'm doing. If you ask me what I'm doing too much then I'm gonna start wondering what's in it for you. Don't ape what I'm doing, I'm just the template. That said, don't use me for social climbing either then act like you knew it all along. Show love how its deserved. Don't wipe your ass on it. Not my fault whatever your issues are from wherever you've been. Don't take it out on me unless you like me tearing you out a new ass. Get your own girlfriend, wife or concubine. Fuck off to somewhere else and not whine across town or state that I'm treating you bad. Do not outright steal my ideas because of shit someone else did you wrong about. Come to me about it so we can talk it over. If you don't want to, that's on you but its open invitation. I treat you good initially, I expect no less than the approximate same back. You have a choice on how to act. Take a cue from what "Mookie" got told in a Spike Lee Joint: "Do The Right Thing."

Spike Lee and Ossie Davis in "Do The Right Thing." A Spike Lee Joint. (1989.)

Film courtesy of 40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks and Universal Pictures. All rights reserved.

Its not about preaching. Its about getting good by doing good. You help your Mom, your Dad, Grandparents, Step-parents, relatives, children, employers, friends, etc. and the universe smiles on you. Help only yourself then there ain't an excuse for that dark cloud around your head except what good you're choosing to keep yourself from. Lord knows what reason why.
The previous is what I'm talking about. I yammer fools' damn ears off talking like that. Maybe I ought to pull back a whole lotta lot but that stuff is hard when they don't make it easy. I love people. I hate to see them in pain. Especially when they've shown me love when others don't. I'd gladly make an example of myself if it got them to see how fighting or getting mad is just stupid. We're friends. We shouldn't be fighting anyways. Long story short: Don't do the crime and I won't make you whine.

Movie poster from Scrooged (1988.)

Image courtesy of:
Paramount Pictures (presents.)
Mirage Productions.

Deadlines.

2011-01-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever put a deadline on yourself to have something done by a certain time or date and then it all goes to hell in a hand basket? If so, then welcome to my world. I used to have a job. When I was at work, I was annoyingly early. I'd show up at least a half hour before my shift. That way, if people needed me to jump on a little early then I was already on call. Now, I try to make sure I have a post in here a night just so that you viewers know I haven't forgotten you. That and also because if I don't, I know I'll get lazy and forget the whole thing since lately I'm not getting paid for it. Anywho, I'm back now so don't worry. Your dutiful describer of detail has returned for the duration. Wow, that was a mouthful. Anyways, I'm sure you're wondering what I'm getting at. The thing I'm trying to point out is that its good to make sure you set priorities for yourself. Once you get into any regimen then it becomes second nature over time. Like learning to ride a bicycle. If you don't do that, you become fat and lazy somehow or so neurotic you can't cope. If not physically then emotionally or mentally. That's what they call having a breakdown. You can't just ask why and expect the question being asked to the universe to be enough. You have to explore the answer and shop around, see if that's the only one. If you listen to hearsay like gossip and take that as gospel then all you are being is ignorant. Not that you are that, you're just acting that way. As my dad used to say, "get off your lazy butt and go outside." You can't complain about others having alot or call them dumb for pursuing unpopular ways of looking at something. Maybe the solution is there where you least expect it. In the thing you marginally thought cool last week or two weeks ago. There's gotta be a reason that troublemakers begin to feel threatened when you look in those areas. It very well could be that they sold you out somewhere down the line and don't want you to find out. Its like looking at line of code in an html. One little screw up and the web page design is all thrown off. A chain is only strong as its weakest link, right? So in order to do the right thing what's gotta happen first is look at all the angles. Say a, b and c had potential but didn't work out so well? Then break it down to yourself and say here's what worked and what didn't in those areas. Focus on the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative and like Mr. Como also sang, don't miss with Mr. in-between. Sooner or later you'll find the anarchist(s) in the woodpile and we'll all learn come hell or high water how to cope with what they thought people had forgot. From there, all you gotta do is make sure you have it all planned out and put out there for people to take in. Hopefully before when you said to yourself you had in mind to make a change. Otherwise if you got lazy at a job, you'd be fired.

...Naw, too easy.

Donald Trump on NBC's "The Apprentice."
Image courtesy of:
Trump Productions LLC.
Mark Burnett Productions.
NBC.
All rights reserved.

The Problems With Phonecalls.

2011-01-28T02:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever got a phone call that you weren't expecting at a time when you were right in the middle of something important? You know you're sitting there watching TNA Impact and the main event just starts then out of nowhere the phone rings! So you get on the phone, talk to the person and they're just yammering your ear off. Tonight I had that happen to me... twice. Now, don't get me wrong I love my friends. Outside my Mom I talk to my friends more than I do my own family. They're some of the most warmhearted and funniest damn people I know. Take the first guy for example. He's a cool dude, amateur athelete from Canada. He's already seen Wrestling tonight. He's just yammering away bullshitting about god knows what. I haven't watched yet so I'm waiting to see what happens. So the convo lags and I'm watching the best moments happen on TV. Just sitting there, getting caught up in the moment silently pantomiming an excited gesture. All of a sudden there's this "hello? yo dude answer me!" Now this shocks me because I'm jolted out of the fun he's already had like what, am I a capuchin monkey to your organ grinder now or something? You gonna dress me as a bellhop and have me beg for loose change? So I says to the person on the other end "I gotta call you back." Next thing you know, five minutes pass by and I get another phone call. Now this time, its a couple calling. She's complaining that another one of her husband's friends that I've barely met but already don't get along with is talking trash about poor people. So I'm like "that sucks but what do you want me to do?" So she starts venting her problems. Now apparently the guy is one of those Asian republicans that still wants to act like he's a cool dude. Kind of like Glen Beck at a sports bar. Or Mark and Brian on the radio talking about rock bands. The problem being is he doesn't have the clout or even remote charm of all celebs mentioned. So I'm like "ok, spill it what did he do now?" It turns out this guy was talking about how poor people pick up donated items and go to soup kitchens like that's a bad thing. I just had to shake my head. Last time I looked, most donated items are put there by people with money that need a tax exempt for their returns. In Hollywood, celebrities go down around the holidays and carve turkeys or feed the homeless from big vats of soup. So I'm like "ok, so why didn't you just tell this guy to go home?" She was like "oh, this was over the phone." I'm like looking around exasperated, about to slap my forehead then ask "and you stayed on the phone with him?!" Personally I'd have been to someone that thick headed like "I'll tell you what..." and simply hang up the phone. That's how I roll. You mess with me when I like something and you don't? I don't have to hear it. Oh sure you could go ahead mentioning something dicey that's upsetting to most people but then I might hammer the topic with twenty seemingly different topics that I could tie up in a simple reference to a classic sitcom. Anyways, so we talk for a minute and then her husband gets on the phone.

"Please Pookie, don't rap."

Marlon Wayans on TV's The Wayans Bros.
Video courtesy of Warner Brothers Domestic Television Distribution.
All rights reserved.

Now this is my best friend so I'm not too upset. He just loves to party though. He's like a Scooby-Doo. A big, clumsy great dane of a man who lumbers around like a linebacker but talks like the love child of Tommy Chong and Flava Flav. He'll say something is "far out" initially but then instead of saying Flav's trademark "yeah boyyyyy", end the sentence or reply to what you've said with "yeah maaaan" or simply just "maaaan" instead. He's a trip but you gotta love him. So we get on a roll talking about everything under the sun and the guy gives people too much credit. He'll pause for a moment and be like "Kato's got boobs." I'm laughing at this and ask "what?" So he repeats it. "Kato's got boobs." I'm like "what Kato where?" He's like "in The Green Hornet." I'm like "uh sorry man but that's a dude." Then he's like "no dude, in the comic book." I'm like "wait, there's a comic now? Must've missed that one." So he kinda stops there and asks me to bear with him for a second. Apparently, before the movie there was a newer comic book released sometime earlier where Kato was female. How *any* of this had any bearing on whatever we and his wife had been talking about earlier is *completely* beyond me. I guess I can see now why he'd have friends like the one on the phone or me for that matter even telling you all this. That just goes to show you what kinda guy he is. He can pick up on a topic anywhere and carry on with it like that's always been there. In an odd way, I find that to be an admirable quality. At least he knows what he's talking about. If any of us don't then I guess we're the ones who aren't that cool.
Inevitably though, I had to tell my good pal I'm tired and that I'm heading to bed. Which is possibly true, shortly after I post this diatribe to my blog and Facebook.
I guess if hindsight is 20/20 as they say then there isn't as much wrong with phonecalls as I thought. The only moral for myself, if there were one to share, would be for one to unplug their phone during the time of their favorite show. That or record it and save to watch for later. Other than that, I love people. It only sucks sometimes that the ones you love don't understand the hidden benefits of letting you know that they're gonna call in advance.

"Bow down, bitches!"

Oliver Platt as Jimmy King in 2000's "Ready To Rumble."

Image courtesy of:

Bel Air Entertainment.
Outlaw Productions.
Tollin/Robbins Productions.
Warner Bros. Pictures.

Resolutions.

2011-01-26T23:28:00.000-08:00

Every year people expect us to come up with new things we want to accomplish by December. Nobody ever expects a resolution to be that we're so annoying people stop asking what our resolutions are. I want to be that guy. I love resolutions but then they suck. Its like things sound so cool when you say them: I want to lose weight, I want to have a good job, I want to have a hot girlfriend. Have you ever tried putting any effort into having those?! That's alot of work you're setting yourself up for just to accomplish one! Not to mention all three of them.
Losing weight isn't easy. Diet companies are in the business of making money. They don't tell you that drinking regular soda with diet food is going to make you fatter. They don't tell you that the moment you drop Jenny Craig you get fatter than when you started. The bottom line, to apologize for being a complete cynic here, is that they just want your money.
Having a good job takes alot of time, effort and being completely stubborn. That's beyond acting politely anxious. You have to give a good rap as to why someone ought to care and give you the break you're seeking. Do you know how many hours it takes that you have to look in the mirror and appear convincing to yourself? To put it this way, I wouldn't hire myself to sneeze.
Women are beautiful. The problem is that generally speaking, they know it. As a result, they often expect no less than the very best. Money. Hell, if I was that pretty I wouldn't date someone like me. Which says alot because I'm called the coolest dude by most local people I hang out with. Comic book geeks. If I were a woman and saw me I'd be like sorry man, you still live with your Mom! Now as a guy, if you ain't rich or a rapper when that happens? you might as well stick your head in the sand and become an Ostrich.
All in all, I think resolutions are a suckers' game. Then again, looking at all I said what isn't? No matter what you do you're gonna have problems. The best you can hope for is to forget and hope nobody to notice them. At least until next December when people ask what your resolutions are.

"Man, this is stupid!"

Tyler James Williams and Vincent Martella on TV's Everybody Hates Chris.
Image courtesy of Chris Rock Productions and CBS Paramount Domestic Television.
All rights reserved.

So here's tonight's question for all you out there reading this: What would you do if you could annoy people that bother you about resolutions?

Leave a reply and perhaps I'll get back to you.

The Trouble with Females.

2011-01-26T00:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight I got a call from a friend of mine in Canada. He's a semi-pro wrestler. Well after discussing Ring of Honor (ROH), WWE and TNA the topic switched to Women. We came to a conclusion: Women are hot, they're great company and all *but* they tend to want their cake and eat it too. They do a lot for us guys, I will admit but that's out of love. When we actually want to open up ourselves and show how we love them back then to women we men are considered gross pigs. We say they're attractive, of course but whereas for each other we men let something go as just being cool if its pointed out, for women what we say has to really slather on the praise for them or we shouldn't even bother complimenting. So we whistle, we hoot and holler vulgarities. Somehow though, that winds us up in the doghouse. Either we've been condescending or it somehow appears that we "didn't mean it." Well, what is someone to do in that situation? You can go after her and attempt to talk it out of course but that's tricky. I learned a long, long time ago that self-deprecating humor counts for a lot. Women don't like pushy or violently aggressive guys. She wants you to admit that you're the jerk. That you've disappointed her. How that is supposed to help us with our own insecurities I'll never understand. Anyways, I take that to mean she wants someone to do the things she wishes she could do. To be her hero. Well I don't know about you but for me, I think its taken us men four hundred years just to be heroic American guys that other guys want to buy a beer. How are we supposed to learn in one *night* how to be the women that other women learn from? *This* is why men *die* earlier.

The doctor is in. Kelsey Grammar on Frasier.
Image courtesy of:
Grub Street Productions.
Paramount Network Television.
CBS Television Distribution.
All rights reserved.

I'll be taking your comments all year. Leave a comment and feel free to share your story. Perhaps between all of us we'll be able to crack this nut together.