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]]> http://www.mysuccessfullife.com/blog/2009/12/happy-holidays-09/feed/ 3 http://www.mysuccessfullife.com/blog/2009/01/the-5-step-grieving-process/ http://www.mysuccessfullife.com/blog/2009/01/the-5-step-grieving-process/#comments Mon, 12 Jan 2009 23:56:02 +0000 Jeff http://www.mysuccessfullife.com/blog/?p=68

The Grieving Process

The saying “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” is a little trite for those of us that have had the traumatic challenges of health, death, abuse or financial crises in our lives. It kind of feels like no one really knows what you are going through and they are offering emotional salve for the pain by giving toothpaste to heal a puncture wound.

This sounds mighty grim but it reminds me of a news report I heard today. In the report they were interviewing a journalist about how the news paper is no longer a viable business model and how most news is available over the internet for free. The interviewer asked the question “does that make you mad?” And the journalist said something like “I have already gone through all phases of grieving and have accepted our economic position.”

The concept of moving towards acceptance is also to let go of what is no longer in your future.

The grieving process in five steps:

1. The first step of the process is commonly denial or isolation.
2. The second is anger
3. The third is negation or bargaining
4. The forth is depression
5. The fifth is acceptance

Let’s take the example of loosing a job. At first your brain keeps going to work every day and you can’t believe you are out of work. You can’t believe you are not needed or wanted. Possibly you can’t even accept the concept so much you become longtime friends with the couch and possibly friends with addictions to help you forget.

It is only a matter of time that you figure out you are getting nowhere in denial and keeping to yourself. Then you get angry at anything and everything possible, knowing that somewhere somehow there has been a major injustice.

Then you want to find somebody that will hear your case. Someone to negotiate or bargain with that will help you overcome the unfairness. But many times it is somebody that simply agrees with you but really can’t make the changes you are looking for.

And then it hits you like a Sherman tanks largest shell right in the gut and you emotionally explode into a feeling of no personal value, helpless and can’t do anything about it. You are at the ultimate stage of deep depression, your self-loathing; self pity has deflated you to a meager example of your full potential.

And you might be one of the fortunate few that in just a few cycles of this you are feeling better but in many cases this process happens several times a day from weeks to months.

Then the old phrase “time heals” kicks in and one day your brain doesn’t feel the pain as much and your curiosity and positive attitude start coming back causing you to look for work again.

Just like the journalist everyone will go through these stages and the sooner you accept the fact of how the brain needs to heal, the faster you will heal.

If you have lost your job I recommend taking off from as many responsibilities as possible for 1 week to 1 month to fully accept you got fired, or let go, or repositioned, or promoted to a better position from your old position.

What You See Is What You Get, and by looking for the advantage you well sooner see the benefit and if you look for the pain that to is what you receive.

But the ultimate question “is God in control?” Here is an idea; if God is in control and you were supposed to be some where else right now, then you would be there. Now this doesn’t take away the process of learning the five steps of grieving but is does assist you to get there quicker. And now that your life has changed go back to basics and give yourself permission to go through the five steps quickly and efficiently by reading and studying about them.

Because a big clue to your purpose in life is to get to know the real you, and without your challenges you could never find yourself. And furthermore would not enjoy the good times without having a taste of the challenging ones.

I really don’t know why I wrote this today other than I sat down and started writing. So if you are the person that needed this blog pay it forward.

But I do have to point out that the sooner you look to see acceptance in your life the sooner life begins again.

Forgive yourself for what is not and accept yourself for what is.

Your Life Strategist

Jeff Allen

Are You a Victim of Your Inner Caveman?

As I got to the office this morning I needed to fax some papers and found the fax machine in an extra finicky mood. It was too greedy; it kept trying to gobble up the entire stack of 9 pages at one time causing a paper jam.

And try as I might to solve the problem I found myself entertained with how the fax machine is just like one of my sons. Just a few nights ago my son came home from playing basketball with a few friends and was so hungry when he got home that he made himself a stack of peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

Now I have to tell you that when this son is having peanut butter and honey sandwiches it is more of a ritual than preparing a meal. He has traditionally had at least one peanut butter severing every day.

In fact we have teased him that when he is threw growing up he will look just like the planters peanut man with a hat and a cane. He has it on ice cream, on pancakes, in sandwiches and without fail daily.

Well on this particular day he was very hungry and had made 3 very large sandwiches, he had the peanut butter ½ in thick and the honey was pretty close to the same. But it wasn’t the quantity or the quality of the sandwiches this day but the speed that he was eating them.

Now this is not new for him because I have done the Heimlich maneuver on him on two different occasions. And yet his inner caveman says I need to eat very fast.

Well just like the fax machine he got all jammed up. He laid there on the couch for about 1 hour moaning over the pain and then the jam came out and just like with the fax machine the jam needs to come out backwards.

This might be a simple thing for you to fix in your life, not to eat too fast or too much at one time but I know the truth, that everyone and I mean everyone has an inner caveman living inside.

The cave man might overpower you when it comes to food, it might overpower you when it comes to patience, and it might even overpower you when it comes to love. But the caveman in you is waiting to take charge of that thing in your life that teaches you about yourself.

And the interesting thing is that I can’t tell you how many times myself and his mother has recommenced to slow down and chew his food. But in the end, just like all youth they will always need to learn on their own.

But ask yourself, if you are paying attention to what you are trying to learn, were does your Neanderthal comes out in you. The interesting thing about the inner creature is sometimes you cant even tell that it is there teaching you and when others tell you about the weird stuff you are doing that you simply feel it cant be true. But in reality you have seen others expose the inner Neanderthal and say boy they are weird. You might even point out to the person what they are doing and they deny it.

But unlike the fax machine, you can’t through away the over eating giant within, but learn to accept the lesson so the beast can be loved into safety and then into a trusting place, because if you try to discipline the inner you by ignoring or chastising yourself, your ultimate outcome will also be a chocking experience hoping someone can help you with a Heimlich maneuver to get out the bad stuff stuck in your life.

All ancient wisdom from every culture teaches of inner discovery for inner peace or joy and self satisfaction. Learn to master your inner self by accepting, then loving then teaching yourself and others to do the same. Because when you become the teacher your ability to understand becomes understood.

And self discovery is by far easier than the Heimlich.

Your Life Strategist

Jeff Allen

The Power of Intention. Controling the Weather

I don’t know about you but the warm weather this fall and the early part of winter is beginning to cause a concern. It makes me think about global warming or the other truth that the ocean floor is heating up. But it all being the same this winter is starting off as a warm and dry season.

I was a rancher back in the 80’s and it was a constant concern. Were the rains coming or was the frost going to kill the hay or was the price of cattle going to be up or down when we went to market.

Ranching was a continual gamble, it was one thing or another that always came in the way of prosperity. But I must say the largest thing that always got in the way of prosperity was attitude.

It has taken me a long time to really understand that the universe simply hears your inner intention and gives it back to you. Life is really a mirror; if you want to see your intentions just take a look at your surroundings. There were plenty of farmers and ranchers that were next to my land, they got the same rain, the same sun and the same frost. But year in a year out they seemed to do better than us.

They had newer cars, nicer houses and even had the money to go on vacations. They seemed to always be on top. I knew I worked harder than most; I worked smarter than most but at the end of the year I still had old farm equipment and they were farming with new faster equipment.

While I was farming I always wanted to get ahead enough to have the new equipment so I would not break down so much. You see every time the equipment broke down we would spend the day going to town to get parts and repairing the machine. While the others were finishing up their season of harvest we were just getting 50% in the bin.

Now if “what you see is what you get” it becomes obvious I was always seeing broken down equipment and I always got it. I was seeing old equipment and I always had it. And I saw myself needing to work harder than others to succeed and boy I also got a lot of working harder.

So I ask you? Is the weather warmer because of some outside force controlling our planet or in fact have we been educated through the media that the earth is going to be warmer so in turn our intention is creating such an outcome.

I have to tell you a good farming story around intention and the power of prayer. It was quite common that in the fall during harvesting wheat that thunder clouds would form and when they did we would look for the white streaks under the rain cloud in the rain that would indicate hail.

Now when the hail storm would come through a ripe ready to harvest field of wheat it could be devastating enough that not even one head of wheat would be standing where the storm was the worst.

Well such a storm happened, and as it came across the valley you could see it for miles. We had not started to harvest the field that the storm was headed towards but early the next morning I drove to that field and found the crop had been laid down for almost 70% of the field.

But right down the fence line the storm had turned and completely missed our neighbor’s field. It was a few days later before I saw my neighbor and when I did he told me how he held a very strong intention that his crop would be missed. But latter he realized that as he watched the storm turn and follow the fence line that my crop was totally devastated.

Wow with neighbors like that….

He is one of the grandest guys I have ever known and what a powerful knowing he had about intention and changing what might seem like impossible chances to change the weather.

But I truly intend that those that understand collective conscious and the use of intention see the future weather to be perfect for man to live on the planet. That we have an energy source that maintains a free society and a culture that inspires spiritual growth.

Hold clear intention that prosperity comes to you, your family, your neighborhood, your nation and your world. And see our planet transition into a new energy source that is beneficial to every one and everything.

Your Life Strategist

Jeff Allen

Overcome the dragon in your life

When coaching individuals about living life with purpose and passion the topic of fear commonly comes up. Fear in simple terms is the lack of knowing. It is the brain running programs or beliefs that stop your advance as aggressively as a solid concrete wall.

This false emotion appearing real is a fantasy played out in our minds, in fact most fear is simply a lesson waiting to be learned.

There is an ancient story about a small village that had a dragon living in the mote. Every night the dragon came out to find food to eat. At first the dragon would get in the garbage for food and make a small mess to clean up. But in time the dragon was growing and its appetite was also growing.

It started to get in the merchants food that was to be sold at the market. The dragon got so persistent that it started to even steal food when people were yelling at it.

Well the village finally got fed up and decided to lock the dragon out over night but found that this simply made the dragon become more persistent tearing down houses and granaries for food.

The villagers did not feel they should kill the dragon so it was decided to start feeding the dragon at the edge of the village. This solution at first seemed to work very well but in time the dragon needed more food that the little village could provide.

In desperation the village set a trap to kill the dragon knowing if they failed the dragon would surly kill them all. As the village sat in fear and desperation waiting for the dragon to come eat so they could release the trap and end the siege the dragon had on the village.

With a loud bang the trap was released and the dragon fell with a powerful thud. And the village yelled with joy. The village was so happy that it had a party the next day celebrating its freedom. The village had a feast that lasted all day long and as the sun set darkness overtook the village as the mother of the younger dragon showed up.

This ancient story is one that lies in the heart of all of us. It is the fear that dwells in us that if we kill the dragon the mother of the dragon will show up. If you use brutal force to kill your fear then the fear will come back as a larger new lesson to learn. But those that look at the dragon as a lesson to learn, and not allow the dragon to maintain overwhelming devastation in their life they will ultimately conquer their fear.

Let me give you an example.

A client of mine had a large addiction towards Doritos corn chips and could eat several bags a day. She would even crumble the chips up in her hand so she could get more chips in her mouth at one time.

After I shared with her the same dragon story I said lets feed the dragon and become friends enough to ask the dragon to leave us as a trusted friend.

She started this process by asking her self every time she ate a chip why am I eating this chip, or how does eating this chip serve me. She was feeding the dragon and the dragon had eaten her out of house and home. But finally she wanted to take a look at the mystery of her dragon

After a few days and 100’s of chips she got a glimmer of her dragon.

She had gone through a devastating divorce and lost custody of her children in the divorce. She did not really understand how or why the whole thing took place and had been in mourning for the loss for over two years.

But that did not explain the dragon, and how to finally learn the lesson of letting go of the pain of the past. Well as she looked deeply in the dragons eyes she saw a part of herself that wanted to get her family back – including her x-husband.

But at a conscious level she knew that she did not have any feeling that she would ever in a million years want her husband back. But the dragon that lived below conscious was reliving times that seemed safe by eating Doritos.

As time went by she totally lost her craving for the chip and took her lesson in stride. The dragon is a friend or foe; it is the teacher or the punisher. When you look fear in the eye and take on the lesson by feeding the dragon, you become the master of that fear waiting to grow into your total experience of life.

You Life Strategist

Jeff Allen